May 27, 2023 • 40 mins
Welcome to my very first episode of Krystel Clear. The intention of this podcast is to share my story, the good, the bad, the ugly hard truths of my crazy, beautiful life in hopes that it inspires others to do the same. You will hear all about my healing journey, inner child work and every day craziness that has lead me to be here and now with you!
Join me as we explore the importance of instilling values of love, joy, and laughter into ourselves, our children, our communities and how overcoming trauma can lead to a purposeful existence.
Have you ever experienced the four trauma responses of fight, flight, freeze, and fawn? We'll discuss how to develop healthy coping strategies and the power of daily gratitude as we journey together towards healing and living an intentional life, even in the face of adversity.
Stay tuned for more self-healing conversations and fun topics that will inspire and empower you on your own path to thriving, healing and purpose.
Thank you for joining me today. Please know that this podcast and the information shared is not to replace or supplement any mental health or personal wellness modalities provided by practitioners. It’s simply me, sharing my personal experiences and I appreciate you respecting and honoring my story and my guests. If something touched your heart please feel free to like, share and subscribe. Have a beautiful day full of gratitude, compassion and unconditional love.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Crystal Clear.
I'm excited to share my journeyof healing worthiness and
living a purposeful, intentionallife with you.
Subscribe to follow.
Hello and welcome to my veryfirst episode of Crystal Clear.
Really funny Last weekend Iprobably tried to talk myself
(00:21):
out of doing this in every way,shape or possible.
Then, monday morning, i wentinto a training at Olm Shop and
the entire day was based on whatis your sole purpose, what is
your sole meaning, what is yoursole mission and how to connect
with that.
That was the smack in the face,confirmation that I need to be
(00:43):
here, i need to be doing thiswork and I have a lot to share.
Here we go.
For as long as I can remember,i've had this underlying,
festering little voice tellingme you need to do more.
You can help this, you can helpthat.
(01:04):
I really internalize that to apoint where I feel like I lost
myself in it in a lot ofdifferent ways.
I feel like now is myopportunity to speak my truth,
speak my voice and share mystory with the world.
I think my husband and mygirlfriends will really
(01:24):
appreciate me sharing the love alittle bit, because they're
probably exhausted then with allof the self-help journey that
I've been on for the past reallymy entire life but
wholeheartedly the past coupleof years.
So rolling back into trying totalk myself out of it.
Oh, matt's out of town thisweek.
I could probably do it adifferent day, have a lot going
(01:47):
on.
Maybe I should spend some extratime with Brody and wake up
slow and blah, blah, blah, blah,blah.
What is that?
I was telling my acupuncturistyesterday about the same story
and that I was.
I should be scheduled or maybeno, she's like.
It's really great to hearsomeone who's super outgoing and
authentic and chatty and socialhave fear And for a second I
(02:12):
was like fear.
She's absolutely right, not likefear.
I'm scared to be in front ofthe camera because I love the
camera and I am kind of a ham,but the fear of change, the fear
of really sharing thatvulnerable side of myself with
the world.
And not that I don't do it, imean I do it plenty on social
media, i do it in my in-personrelationships.
(02:32):
But this is a little differentAnd I'm not doing this for likes
or shares or hype.
It's more of just putting stuffout there for the world to hear
, because I needed to hear a lotof those things along my
journey and hearing them,whether it be Brene Brown Ted
Talk or reading a book onclarity and connections, or Dr
(02:56):
Shifali and all of her consciousparenting all of the things I
needed to hear, but I had to bein a place where it was open to
hear it.
So, just having that awarenessfor myself that it's OK, it just
takes the next step.
And here we are taking my nextstep.
Put my big girl panties on.
Today I got in here and chattedwith the awesome crew And I'm
(03:21):
ready for this.
So a little bit of mybackground.
I will talk about severalthings on this podcast
everything from childhood traumato eating disorders, to body
dysmorphia, to exercise healthand fitness, to neuromuscular
massage therapy journey to beingthe wife of a CEO and parenting
(03:44):
struggles and blended familiesand all the things of a lot of
life experience to share, andI'm sharing it from a place of
vulnerability And just open, raw, authentic.
Life has its ups and downs andall arounds And there's going to
be shit, like a lot of shit,and it's OK because it's really
(04:08):
honing in to being aware andaccepting all the things that
come your way.
And that's been a really bigjourney of mine And I think
something that I'm just at aplace that I feel like I really
need to speak my truth and shareit with the world.
(04:28):
So, starting from square one, iwas born and raised in
Tallahassee, florida, and I hadan interesting childhood.
My parents loved meunconditionally.
However, i think that they didthe best they had with the tools
that they had, and my fatherdied in a car accident when I
(04:49):
was two years old.
My mom really couldn't.
She was a young mom, she was 18.
It was 1985.
It was Party Central.
She couldn't really can handleit.
So my grandparents raised me mypaternal grandparents, and they
were amazing, but they also hadtheir stuff and their wounds.
(05:10):
And what I've realized now inthe place that I am, with a
blended family, four children, alifelong experience is that
generational trauma is real Andit affects us on a cellular
level.
And that's something for methat's just so intriguing,
(05:31):
because I remember being alittle kid and having those
moments where I wanted to playsmall or not be seen or not be
heard, and then I remember thosemoments where I would want to
have a big voice and definitelybe heard and stand my ground and
be assertive, and I was calledbossing more than once in my
(05:52):
lifetime And that's OK, becausenow I just realized I was just
developing a lot of greatleadership skills, so realizing
now as I look back that it'sbecause of the ways that I tried
to navigate and and respondinstead of reacting which
(06:16):
there's definitely a ton oftimes that I reacted in my life
situations.
But I remember, you know, bigparties and a lot of adults.
I was always around a lot ofadults and I had cousins, for
sure, but there were mostlyadult parties and everyone would
be drinking and hanging outsideand big football games.
And I remember going in my roomand closing the door and
turning on like Paul Abdul orWhitney Houston and just singing
(06:37):
as loud as I could, or makingup dance moves and really like
not knowing at the time thatthat was my own little therapy.
Or I would go outside and docartwheels and make up dances
out there, climb trees, and youknow, being in nature was always
something that I used to selfsoothe as well as dance or
singing.
And you know it's really beeninteresting because on this
(07:00):
healing journey that I've beenon and I'll break it down and
jump forward a little bit acouple of years ago My husband
and I went to the almond clinicand got brain scans And so
realizing in those brain scansthat I was diagnosed with
complex PTSD, it was like whatthe hell?
Like I've never been to war,almost like I wasn't worthy of
(07:23):
this diagnosis of PTSD in thecrazy way that that sounds.
But then, looking back at allof the things that I endured in
my life, it's like, absolutely,you know, you were always.
I was always struggling to finda safe place And I realized
very young and I had to createthat safe place on my own a lot
And again loved my family andthey did the best that they knew
(07:45):
how.
But there's just so muchgenerational stuff.
It was thick and it was heavyAnd I never really felt like I
belonged, to be honest, likethere were times where I was
like I just I can't relate tothe what they're talking about,
i can't relate to what they'resaying or what they're listening
(08:07):
to, or I always felt like I wasa little bit different.
And I was, and that's okay, youknow, and I remember the old
Southern saying like she's toobig for her britches And it's
like what does that really mean?
And thinking back at it now,it's like it's kind of like that
invitation or permission foryou to play small, and I think I
(08:28):
did in a lot of ways And that'ssomething that now that I have
a 13 year old daughter, i'm verycognitive of And I just make
sure to build her up in all ofthose situations and make sure
that.
But I haven't always been thatmom and we'll get to that Maybe
not in this episode, but anotherfor sure.
(08:50):
The evolution of parenthood isdefinitely a thing.
Having a 13 year old and athree year old and doing it 10
years apart has been something.
But I look back at the waysthat I learned like sports were
always a big thing for me, likeI love flipping and jumping and
gymnastics and dance, and when Irealized I could run and change
(09:12):
my body, and going throughadolescence, when your body
really starts to change andreally not liking what was going
on and realizing that I couldrun and just and it was again.
It was that therapy for myself,like realizing and my household
, if there were things that mygrandmother had lost to my
father and she dealt with a lotof depression, i think when I
(09:33):
was growing up and I just Inever really understood it to a
point And I still have neverreally experienced deep
depression of any kind.
I've always found my ways tocope and usually that's being
outside or running or exercising.
But when I got this diagnosis ofPTSD it was eye opening because
(09:57):
it's like if I have it, howmany other people may have it?
And what is this from?
Like what is?
again, it was almost like Ididn't feel worthy of having
this diagnosis because it feltreally serious, and so I dove
really deep into trauma work andthank goodness for my life
(10:19):
coach, who's actually coached usinto getting the brain scans in
the first place, talking methrough and opening some doors
for myself to really understandwhat trauma is.
And I think that it's a bigmisconception that it has to be
some big catastrophic event, butit really doesn't.
So for me it was prolongedexposure to situations that made
(10:46):
me feel unsafe and how my mindreacted and my mind, my body and
my spirit reacted to thosesituations.
And that's big because, again,i've always been very just
intrigued by human health andbehavior, which led me into my
career of health and fitness andthen neuromuscular massage
(11:08):
therapy and now more into thetrauma and resiliency world and
energy work and it all reallyboils down to that, like that
reactivity in those patterns,and so realizing what my
patterns were as a child, wereto escape the environment, to
escape the situation I was in.
(11:29):
And as I got older it's like,well, okay, so you dance and
sing in your room when you're alittle kid, so what are you
going to do?
And at a lessons, you're goingto go for a run or you're going
to.
You know you're going to get abasket with being social and you
know you're going to develop aneating disorder and really try
to control things, because youknow, if you can't control your
environment and the things thatare going on around you, you can
control what you eat and youcontrol the way you look.
(11:50):
And that led into high schooland, to be honest, it's
something that is stillpredominant in my life and it's
something I think that youforever recover from.
And we'll get into a lot ofbody dysmorphia chats and in the
later segments.
But realizing that I am not mymind and I'm not my thoughts has
(12:14):
probably been the pshu justawakening for me.
And it's not just me, it'severyone.
Like you know, again going thisweekend like, oh, you should
reschedule.
You know, maybe it's three fora week where you don't have much
going on.
But no, you prioritize anythingthat you really want to make
important And that's exactlywhat I've done and that's
exactly why I'm here today.
And I'm here and I'm doing thefirst session.
(12:35):
And you know, that's somethingto really think about, because
the mind is a fucked up place.
It really is.
But having that awareness tounderstand that it is is huge.
And to be able to overcome anyof those, you know, whether it's
a worthiness situation or afear or doubt, or your ego is
(13:01):
taking over and telling you.
You know you should dressdifferently or look different.
You know it's like there's somany different components to it,
but understanding that you'renot those things, like what we
really are is what we feelinside and that's like the soul
connection, like what.
Like I know I'm supposed to behere.
I know I'm supposed to besharing my voice and my life
(13:21):
experiences with other people.
I come in completely unscriptedand just talk for my heart, so
I'd probably be scattered aroundand that's okay, because that's
that's authentically me And forthose who know me, i'm probably
laughing right now And thosewho don't, you'll.
You'll get to know me Andthere's been a lot of books and
a lot of like hardcore awarenessthat's led to realizing the
(13:46):
thought patterns andunderstanding ways that I used
to cop out of situations or makeexcuses or or find ways to just
.
You know what I'm overwhelmedright now I'm just going to go
for a run, but those are all.
Now I'm realizing all traumaresponses and what our huge
trauma responses are, or whatthe key ones are, are fight,
flight, freeze and fun, and I'vedone my fair share of all of
(14:10):
them.
You know, when I was younger,before I was able to hone in,
you know I held a lot, i had alot of abandonment triggers, i
had a lot of insecurities, ithink, as I think all young
children do, i had a lot ofanger.
You know I didn't reallyunderstand why things happened
the way they did, and but I alsohad a lot of love and
(14:32):
positivity and joy and laughter.
And you know, i grew up in ahousehold where it was pretty
jovial and goofy.
My uncle, in particular, isalways the jokester, always had
things to say, always had, youknow, whether, whether it be
polite or impolite or definitelynot politically correct, he, he
always knew how to keep itlight.
Same with my Nana She wasfantastic and super lighthearted
(14:55):
And so just having a balance ofall that I think I'm very
grateful for.
And I know that now that I'm 38years old, i realize that not
everyone has that balance.
So I try my best to to instillthose values into my children
and my friends and my family andkeep it light and keep it fun,
but also keep it serious andlike open hearted and vulnerable
at the same time.
(15:15):
And you know, i think becausebeing raised by my grandparents,
it was that generation of it'sokay, like we just won't talk
about it or let's brush rightinto the rug, or you know my
grandfather, i love him, buthe's one to walk into a tough
conversation and walk right backout and go grab a beer.
My Nan very different, you know, she was one to sit down and
(15:38):
and really I could share myheart with her and I could share
, i could share most things withher that I that I felt open to
now realizing I share everythingwith her because she's now a
guardian angel.
I lost her in 2013 and I thinkit was really at that point in
my life that I really felt thedeep gratitude for my childhood.
(16:06):
I think that there's a lot ofthings that I look back and I
held anger for that.
I realized, you know, my mom.
She went out and did her ownthing and she, you know she was
a drug addict, she wasprostitution, she had, she had
quite a life.
She would come in, she would bebaptized and be fine again and
then she'd go back out and, youknow, go missing for a few years
(16:27):
and whatever, and you know so.
But I realized that was herstuff, i had nothing to do with
me and I think that having theawareness of myself and
understanding that you know Iwas, i was kind of playing a
victim role and personalizingother people's suffering and
that's been one of my other hugeawakenings in the past few
(16:51):
years is, you know, ipersonalized everyone's
suffering because I'm a hugeimpasse and you know, i do have
the ability to feel energy in aroom, whether it's positive,
negative or somewhere in between.
But realizing that otherpeople's stuff is not mine to
carry is something that I amforever and will forever be
(17:14):
working on.
You know, whether it's myhusband, my kids it's funny, my
girlfriends and I we weretalking, and why is it so easy
to sit and listen to aconversation from a girlfriend
or a friend or whatever a familymember and they can completely
be venting and have theshittiest day and all this stuff
(17:34):
happening to them and you'rejust there to listen.
But then if you're throughspouse that's having the rough
day, or the rough time, or likewe personalize it so much, or
our parents, like if they'rehaving a rough day, i remember
as a kid like oh God, like beingscared, like not that anything
bad was going to happen.
Is it something I did?
Is it something I said?
And I think that goes back tothat fear and the worthiness
(17:55):
trigger of just knowing thatit's okay to have that
separation.
And I think that that'ssomething that I'm really
working.
I know it's something that I'mreally working on with my own
children is explaining to them.
You know I'm having a bad dayor such and such happened today,
(18:17):
so I'm a little bit more onedge than I should be.
So I just want to let you knowthat if there's anything that I
say or do, i just don't want youto take it personally and
especially with my spouse.
We have a really big life, wehave a lot going on.
You know he's running abusiness and I have to know that
if he's having a bad day thathas nothing to do with me, and
(18:39):
maybe sometimes it does, andthat's okay too.
We'll handle that a differentway.
But just knowing not topersonalize other people's stuff
has been a really hugerevelation for me and realizing
there's so many times in my lifewhere those trauma responses
came up, when I did personalizethings, like, you know, fighting
(19:03):
and arguing, when I felt likeyou know someone's having a bad
day well, why, why, why, andit's you know, that's their
stuff, leave them alone, letthem handle their business, you
know.
Or freezing and shutting downand just not having anything to
say.
That's a huge one as well.
And flight that's probably mybiggest pattern I've learned to
(19:27):
break is I have to get out ofhere, like it's not safe, i'm
gonna leave, like this isn'tgonna work for me, this isn't,
you know whether it's a clientor a spouse situation or a
social situation like, okay,this doesn't feel safe, i need
to leave, where obviouslythere's cases where that's the
case, and if you don't feel safe, you need to leave.
But realizing that that was apattern of mine, it was really
(19:48):
huge and the fawning fawning wasprobably.
That's a kicker and that one isthe one that I constantly have
to pull the awareness forbecause it's you know, fawning
can look like people pleasing.
Or I'm just gonna throw thebest party and I'm gonna just
(20:09):
set the table perfectly and justmake everything perfect,
because then it's gonna make theatmosphere more perfect.
I'm going to over-complementsomeone when they don't really
need over-complement.
They just need for me to sitand listen to them.
Or, you know, i'm gonna be theclass mom that gets to
everything and does everythingperfectly, like no, it's
unrealistic.
You know it's setting thoserealistic expectations and I
(20:31):
don't even like to use the wordexpectations because I feel like
that puts an extra level ofpressure on us that we really
don't need But just findingneutral ground and realizing and
having the awareness.
Of course I'm still gonna havethe trauma responses, but being
educated on them and what theyare allows me to have that
(20:53):
awareness Like am I worthy ofsharing my voice?
Am I worthy of the life that Ihave?
Am I worthy of the beautiful,healthy children that I have?
And I feel like that'ssomething that I have absolutely
struggled with my entire lifeis not feeling worthy of the
(21:13):
blessings that I've been given,and that's something that I've
definitely become more aware ofand part of coming out of that
is literally every day inaffirmations I am worthy, i am
capable, i am passionate, i amdeserving.
You know, really it's like whatwe tell ourselves, you know,
(21:34):
and I think it starts like anelementary school, like am I
worthy of this treat?
or, you know, it could go theother way too, when the ego
takes over and feeling likethings aren't fair.
And I've never really had thattype of mentality or really
understood like fairness is justdifferent, like everyone's
unique opportunities are veryunique to them.
So I get it for other peopleand I've definitely I'm a giver,
(21:56):
i'm a huge philanthropist atheart, like I've just always
been very giving and I was beinga kid.
I always like to get my stuffaway and you know when there
were times where I went throughselfish periods, obviously, but
and giving my time And that, ithink, is something for me in
starting this whole journey ofpodcasting, potentially starting
(22:17):
a business and all of thesedifferent things.
I had a conversation after Ifinished a certification on
Monday and it was for IET, whichis Integrative Energy Therapy,
which is an amazing tool torelease different energies from
your tissues and hone in on yoursoul's purpose on an energetic
(22:37):
level, and absolutely love thecourse, but I mentioned to my
instructor like I have a hardtime.
I feel like with my financialposition I'm pretty comfortable,
but I have a hard time chargingfor services.
Like I feel like it's more of aconversation for someone And I
(22:59):
just want to do it out of thegoodness of my heart.
And she said but Crystal, youhave dedicated so much time and
energy and finances andeverything to getting to this
point in your life.
You have to, and she's like theway I like to think of it as an
energy exchange And for me Imean she's speaking my language
(23:20):
with the energy exchange, itcompletely 180 navigated those
thoughts in my head.
It makes so much sense I am.
I've put so much time, so muchdedication, so much energy into
just always trying to manifestthis best, better version of
myself and learning and sharingthe vulnerability and owning my
mistakes and owning my shit andknowing that I'm definitely not
(23:43):
perfect by any means in any way.
But I'm like perfectly me andperfectly unique And that's okay
And I'm worthy of all of thedifferent opportunities, whether
it's the position I have in thecorporate world or the children
that I have.
They're super healthy.
We just had some friends thatwent through a really tragic
(24:04):
loss of their son, and I neverknow what to say in those
situations because it almostmakes me feel unworthy of having
healthy children And that's a Imean.
Obviously I would never wantanything terrible to happen to
my children, but when thathappens to other people and we
go through those grief cycles,it gives you, it gives me a
(24:25):
sense of like, wow, like thatcould have been me, it could
have happened to us, like whythem?
And obviously those are thepatterns and the thoughts in the
head that we just need to breakthe habit of having in the
first place because thingshappen.
But it's really interesting.
I hone in on this and I'veprobably read every Bernay Brown
(24:47):
book and watched everyone ofher dead talks And I love her
books on men, women andworthiness is actually a really
great one.
But like how we hold shame whenwe feel like we're not worthy
And I feel like for me it'sovergiving or over explaining or
doing too many acts of kindnessNot that you can do too many,
(25:11):
but you know what I mean Justgoing a little overboard with it
.
That's kind of one of my.
It's a fawning response.
Again, it goes back to thosetrauma responses of you.
Know how can I fix thissituation?
Because watching other peoplesuffer makes me uncomfortable
And that's the hard truth behindit.
It has yes, it has something todo with them and I'm super
(25:32):
empathetic person And Iunderstand and I really do feel
other people's feelings to afault sometimes.
But realizing my hard truth onthat is I don't like to witness
other people being uncomfortable, because it makes me
uncomfortable.
But why does it make meuncomfortable?
It's because I'm personalizingsomething.
So, going through the patternsin my mind of why am I
(25:56):
personalizing, you know, why areyou taking this to heart?
Why can't we just accept thefact that things happen?
Why can't we accept thegenerosity or the blessings, or
the financial blessings?
It's something that I'm a totalwork in progress and realizing.
(26:19):
I have a lot more work to do inthis area and I share it
because I feel like everyonedoes.
I think that you know, andhistorically, my old patterns,
especially when I was stilldrinking alcohol, would be you
know, everything's going toogood, like where's the drama?
Like everything's going sosmoothly right now, like
something must be, something'sabout to happen, something, you
(26:39):
know, something bad's gonnahappen.
Like how many people do that?
Everyone, everyone does that,like you go through and like, oh
, everything's been running sosmoothly and navigating so well,
like what's next?
And breaking those patterns ofeverything's running smoothly,
everything you know.
Like, how do we break that?
It's gratitude.
It's, you know, having thatintrinsic motivation to just
(27:01):
show your gratitude every singleday.
And switching thoseconversations with yourself Like
I'm so grateful I have healthychildren, i'm so grateful that I
have, you know, and a greathusband who has a really solid
career position.
You know, i'm grateful that Ihave a career position and a job
(27:22):
of my own.
You know, i'm grateful to havethe opportunity to speak to
people about this.
I'm grateful to have all thesedifferent opportunities fall in
my lap since I've been on thesejourneys, like you know, being
on the resilient retreat boardand, you know, in my dive deep
with trauma, i, from agirlfriend, you know she was
(27:44):
planning an event and she's like, hey, i would love for you to
help me plan, you know, set upfor this big event and you would
really love this facility andit's really pretty, and you know
, so I pull in for a tour and itactually just so happens to be
on land that my daughter used toride horses And it's a
nonprofit that provides freeprogramming for people that have
(28:05):
survived trauma and abuse, orfirst responders or helping
professions, which I feel likewe're kind of all helping
professions, to be honest.
So I go and take a tour and it'sstill under construction and
the executive director did thetour and I went with a
girlfriend of mine and we're onthe tour and they were talking
about the different areas andthe things that they're doing,
(28:26):
like you know, journaling andyoga and energy healing and
equine therapy and neurofeedback, and I'm just like in trauma
recovery heaven, like oh my God,how is this for real?
Like I can't believe this.
I just it's crazy.
And I guess the executivedirector saw my excitement
(28:48):
because there's not holding back.
I think I probably hugged herlike four times when we were
there because I did, i felt likeat home in a way.
I felt like this is like thisis incredible.
I don't know how.
I want to be involved, but Iwant to be involved.
Just let me know how.
And you know, from that meetingwe had a couple of emails and I
said I definitely want tovolunteer.
How do I volunteer?
(29:08):
How do I help?
And, you know, sent me all thematerials I logged in.
I did all the forms, i did allthe screenings, i did all the
things to get the ball rolling.
I started the trauma course Andwe ended up having a lunch with
the founder And during thatlunch I dished out my dirtiest
(29:33):
trauma crap, like all of it, mywhole life story, all the trauma
stuff.
I think it was like the one timeI felt like I had a super safe
place and someone who wouldunderstand, like someone.
She also had complex PTSD.
She also had, you know, crazythings happen to her and her
childhood.
She was also exposed to a lotof things.
(29:53):
So she understood me and I justpoured it all out on the table
and more So, being in my mostvulnerable place and I didn't
think twice about it.
I felt great about it.
Afterwards I remember gettingin my car and being like, oh,
that feels really good.
I just released like 20 poundsof shit off my back.
(30:14):
That felt really good And thatone conversation led to an
invitation to be on her boardAnd that, to me, was probably
the day the truly the day thatmy worthiness started to shift,
because not only am I absolutelydeserving of that opportunity,
(30:38):
but being in my most vulnerableplace and sharing like deep,
dark shit about my childhood, mymarriage, my parenting, my
exercise addiction, my bodydysmorphia, my Adderall
addiction when I was a kid Imean all of the things, i mean
the nasty, murky stuff that Idon't really talk to a lot of
people about led to anopportunity of a lifetime, to a
(31:02):
place that I had dreamed about.
I remember telling my girlfriendlike I just want to gather all
of these awesome healingmodalities I've been able to
experience for the past coupleyears and put it into one place.
Well, here we go.
This place not only exists, butyou're going to be involved And
now you're being asked to be ontheir whole strategic plan for
the rest of the future of thenonprofit.
(31:24):
And it was just.
I was blown away by theexperience And, to be honest, i
really am still in awe by it,but it's really allowed me to
own.
I am worthy, we're all worthy ofall the blessings and all the
things And, honestly, if we dohave bad things happen to us,
(31:44):
those are just opportunities forgrowth And understanding that
and breaking out of those victimmentalities and poor, pitiful
me or this happened.
Well, yeah, there's going to bethings that happen And some of
them are going to becatastrophic And some of them
are going to be littleday-to-day bullshit things, and
(32:05):
that's okay.
But learning how to first ofall have the awareness to know
you're not your reactions orresponses to them, and
understanding what's going on inyour mind and having the
self-awareness to hone in on thebig picture.
With that, but also, just again, it goes back to the gratitude
having gratitude for wow, like Imay not get this opportunity
(32:27):
every day, but I have it rightnow, so embrace it and take it.
And I actually talked to mylife coach this morning before
coming in and she said a wordthat came to her was Saber, and
to me that was really impactful.
And that's something, excuse me,i have really been trying to do
(32:50):
in my marriage and my parentingand just in my day-to-day life
is savoring the moments, addingmore stillness and stop being as
busy.
My husband's out of town andtaking my kids, who are 13 and
three, on a walk to have dinnerand watching them run around and
play and pushing them both homein the stroller And those are
(33:12):
memories that they may seemsimple and they are, but I'm
savoring them and appreciatingthem.
And my time at ResilientRetreat might not be forever,
but I'm savoring those momentsand my opportunity to speak to
all of you, just savoring thesetimes, because the only thing
that's guaranteed is life, andlife is change.
(33:34):
We're not guaranteed tomorrow,we're not guaranteed our breath,
we're not guaranteed anythingother than change and the
evolution of that and all of itsforms.
So I think the more that we canlearn to embrace it, because I
know firsthand.
I used to be a person and triedto control all the things and I
(33:55):
did not do well with change.
In some ways I did, in someways I did not.
But learning how to adapt andhave that resiliency through all
of the situations that we arein, so far we're given and their
blessings, like if you think ofall of it, their blessings And
if, whether it's good, bad orindifferent, it's something that
(34:18):
can teach you something aboutyourself and other people that
you might not have had theopportunity to learn before.
And that's what I love aboutlife.
And you know, every day I wakeup it's a new day, like it's my
choice whether I want to dwellon things from yesterday.
I read a quote one time andit's like why you wouldn't look
(34:40):
through yesterday's garbage tomake tomorrow's dinner.
No, it's disgusting.
So why do we do that toourselves?
You know, why do we look atthings that happened yesterday
and choose to carry them intotoday, and those could be good
or bad.
You know, having this, you know,if you're on a, everything's
great, and then you know,something bad happens, that's
(35:03):
what leads us into those depthsof disappointment.
It's like just understandingthe ebbs and flows and how to
adapt to those situations andthat it's constantly evolving.
It's like water And I feel likeI don't know.
I swear I was a mermaid inanother life But like the ebbs
and flows of water and justpicturing yourself kind of
swimming, and yeah, it's goingto be high tide, it's going to
(35:23):
be low tide, it's going to be,but learning how to navigate and
all of that, and mostly in ourminds and our bodies and our
spirits, and finally findingthings that fill you up.
You know, for me it's findingtime in nature, it's having
great connections with peopleand being able to connect on a
different level, And I thinkthat that's part of my fear with
(35:46):
starting all of this is likewhat's next?
Like, okay, i'm putting myselfout there, i'm talking, i'm, you
know, i'm putting, but I'mputting some pretty raw,
vulnerable stuff out there.
But what's that going to bring?
Is it?
am I going to be flooded withpeople trying to talk to me?
Am I going to be overwhelmed?
Who cares Like?
I'm just going to learn toadapt in ebb and flow and it's
okay to say no and it's okay toset boundaries.
(36:09):
And learning that asindividuals, i think really help
us from taking the next or helpus to take the next step.
It helps us really understandthat we are in control of our
life And a society that I feellike.
I admit I do not watch the newsat all.
Sorry for all of my mediafriends.
(36:31):
You're great at what you do.
I don't watch you, i don't lookat.
You know I'm pretty sparse onsocial media.
I get on.
I'll post a couple healing,healing things.
I'll you know some good quotes,some positive, uplifting stuff,
but I'm really not one tosearch and look through.
I just I can't handle it andit's something that I've never
(36:51):
been able to, to relate to, tobe honest, because it's like out
of sight, out of mind and callme naive, if you want, and
ignorance is bliss when it comesto stuff like that Like, i like
being in my bubble and I likesurrounding myself with you know
, healthy conversations andhealthy mindsets, and you know
understanding that I don't haveto feel obligated.
You know we have a great biglife and I'm involved with a lot
(37:13):
of philanthropic things, but Idon't necessarily have to attend
all the events.
I don't have to participate inall the things.
It's okay to say no and it'sokay to step back and it's okay
to do what serves you, and Ithink that I've just gotten to a
point in my life where I'mgiving myself permission to do
that.
You know, my husband and I justkind of evolutionary-wise,
(37:33):
we've just decided that we'renot drinking, like we just don't
drink alcohol anymore.
And it's not like I'm neverdrinking alcohol again, it's
just every day I wake up and youknow I'm not drinking today And
that's just kind of the waythat I like to think about it
and it's not.
You know, a lot of mine has todo with health issues and I'll
get a lot more in-depth intosome of the findings I've had
(37:56):
with you know hormones, adrenalfatigue, brain syndrome,
blood-brain barrier stuff, foodallergies.
I'm really looking forward tocovering a bunch of like broad
topics when it comes to all ofthis, but it's just like just
making that choice every day AndI think that that's something
that's huge because we, you know, i like a good challenge, i
like to set goals, i like topush myself, i like to win, i'm
(38:21):
pretty competitive but I alsohave like a softer side as well.
But I realizing that it's justjust take it day by day.
You know, i'm just gonna bepresent with my kids today.
My husband will tell you I usedto be the person that was
planning the next trip when wewere flying home from that trip,
because it was like, oh my gosh, it's like FOMO, like I don't
(38:43):
want the fun to end, i don'twant to go back to normal.
I'm like, no, i appreciategoing back to normal, i
appreciate going home andunpacking and unwinding.
I appreciate the slow days, iappreciate the busy days And
that's been a huge, pivotal partof my personal growth and
development mentally, physically, spiritually.
It's taking it day by day.
(39:03):
I was the person that used toplan my workouts all week And if
I didn't make a class or if Ididn't do this, i would just be,
i would beat myself up mentallyAnd it's like why That's just
giving opportunity for thosenegative thoughts to enter your
mind, when I could totally faceit from a place of gratitude,
like, wow, i'm really blessedfor this beautiful day and all
of the opportunities that arecoming to this day.
(39:23):
And when I go to sleep tonightI'm going to kind of recite my
three it's kind of something Ido either in the morning or at
night and sometimes both Mygratitudes for the day, like I'm
grateful for this beautiful day, i'm grateful for the
opportunities in the day, i'mgrateful for the slow moments,
for the fast moments, whatever.
It is just having thatgratitude in each day And I
(39:44):
think that has been somethingthat's helped me with the trauma
recovery.
It's helped me with eatingdisorder recovery, body
dysmorphia, recovery fromdrinking alcohol, from taking
Adderall, from all the thingsI've been involved in, from
gossipy conversations Likethere's things that don't serve
me well anymore.
So I don't participate And Itake that day by day.
(40:09):
And I think if there's one thingthat I'd really like to
emphasize in, like one place Ican recommend everyone start is
gratitude affirmations andtaking it day by day.
And it's been a pleasure tochat with you all and I'm really
looking forward for everythingto come.
(40:30):
I have a lot of awesome peoplethat have been on my path with
me and my journey with me, andI'm looking forward to sharing
much more of that with you.
And again, we're going to talkabout all kinds of fun topics,
all kinds of self healing topicsthat feel good stuff.
That also feel good stuff, yeah.
So we have a lot more to comeand I'm super excited to be here
(40:51):
and sharing my life with you.
Welcome to Crystal Clear.
I'm excited to share my journeyof healing worthiness and
living a purposeful, intentionallife with you.
Subscribe to follow.
Hello and welcome to my veryfirst episode of Crystal Clear.
Really funny Last weekend Iprobably tried to talk myself
(00:21):
out of doing this in every way,shape or possible.
Then, monday morning, i wentinto a training at Olm Shop and
the entire day was based on whatis your sole purpose, what is
your sole meaning, what is yoursole mission and how to connect
with that.
That was the smack in the face,confirmation that I need to be
(00:43):
here, i need to be doing thiswork and I have a lot to share.
Here we go.
For as long as I can remember,i've had this underlying,
festering little voice tellingme you need to do more.
You can help this, you can helpthat.
(01:04):
I really internalize that to apoint where I feel like I lost
myself in it in a lot ofdifferent ways.
I feel like now is myopportunity to speak my truth,
speak my voice and share mystory with the world.
I think my husband and mygirlfriends will really
(01:24):
appreciate me sharing the love alittle bit, because they're
probably exhausted then with allof the self-help journey that
I've been on for the past reallymy entire life but
wholeheartedly the past coupleof years.
So rolling back into trying totalk myself out of it.
Oh, matt's out of town thisweek.
I could probably do it adifferent day, have a lot going
(01:47):
on.
Maybe I should spend some extratime with Brody and wake up
slow and blah, blah, blah, blah,blah.
What is that?
I was telling my acupuncturistyesterday about the same story
and that I was.
I should be scheduled or maybeno, she's like.
It's really great to hearsomeone who's super outgoing and
authentic and chatty and socialhave fear And for a second I
(02:12):
was like fear.
She's absolutely right, not likefear.
I'm scared to be in front ofthe camera because I love the
camera and I am kind of a ham,but the fear of change, the fear
of really sharing thatvulnerable side of myself with
the world.
And not that I don't do it, imean I do it plenty on social
media, i do it in my in-personrelationships.
(02:32):
But this is a little differentAnd I'm not doing this for likes
or shares or hype.
It's more of just putting stuffout there for the world to hear
, because I needed to hear a lotof those things along my
journey and hearing them,whether it be Brene Brown Ted
Talk or reading a book onclarity and connections, or Dr
(02:56):
Shifali and all of her consciousparenting all of the things I
needed to hear, but I had to bein a place where it was open to
hear it.
So, just having that awarenessfor myself that it's OK, it just
takes the next step.
And here we are taking my nextstep.
Put my big girl panties on.
Today I got in here and chattedwith the awesome crew And I'm
(03:21):
ready for this.
So a little bit of mybackground.
I will talk about severalthings on this podcast
everything from childhood traumato eating disorders, to body
dysmorphia, to exercise healthand fitness, to neuromuscular
massage therapy journey to beingthe wife of a CEO and parenting
(03:44):
struggles and blended familiesand all the things of a lot of
life experience to share, andI'm sharing it from a place of
vulnerability And just open, raw, authentic.
Life has its ups and downs andall arounds And there's going to
be shit, like a lot of shit,and it's OK because it's really
(04:08):
honing in to being aware andaccepting all the things that
come your way.
And that's been a really bigjourney of mine And I think
something that I'm just at aplace that I feel like I really
need to speak my truth and shareit with the world.
(04:28):
So, starting from square one, iwas born and raised in
Tallahassee, florida, and I hadan interesting childhood.
My parents loved meunconditionally.
However, i think that they didthe best they had with the tools
that they had, and my fatherdied in a car accident when I
(04:49):
was two years old.
My mom really couldn't.
She was a young mom, she was 18.
It was 1985.
It was Party Central.
She couldn't really can handleit.
So my grandparents raised me mypaternal grandparents, and they
were amazing, but they also hadtheir stuff and their wounds.
(05:10):
And what I've realized now inthe place that I am, with a
blended family, four children, alifelong experience is that
generational trauma is real Andit affects us on a cellular
level.
And that's something for methat's just so intriguing,
(05:31):
because I remember being alittle kid and having those
moments where I wanted to playsmall or not be seen or not be
heard, and then I remember thosemoments where I would want to
have a big voice and definitelybe heard and stand my ground and
be assertive, and I was calledbossing more than once in my
(05:52):
lifetime And that's OK, becausenow I just realized I was just
developing a lot of greatleadership skills, so realizing
now as I look back that it'sbecause of the ways that I tried
to navigate and and respondinstead of reacting which
(06:16):
there's definitely a ton oftimes that I reacted in my life
situations.
But I remember, you know, bigparties and a lot of adults.
I was always around a lot ofadults and I had cousins, for
sure, but there were mostlyadult parties and everyone would
be drinking and hanging outsideand big football games.
And I remember going in my roomand closing the door and
turning on like Paul Abdul orWhitney Houston and just singing
(06:37):
as loud as I could, or makingup dance moves and really like
not knowing at the time thatthat was my own little therapy.
Or I would go outside and docartwheels and make up dances
out there, climb trees, and youknow, being in nature was always
something that I used to selfsoothe as well as dance or
singing.
And you know it's really beeninteresting because on this
(07:00):
healing journey that I've beenon and I'll break it down and
jump forward a little bit acouple of years ago My husband
and I went to the almond clinicand got brain scans And so
realizing in those brain scansthat I was diagnosed with
complex PTSD, it was like whatthe hell?
Like I've never been to war,almost like I wasn't worthy of
(07:23):
this diagnosis of PTSD in thecrazy way that that sounds.
But then, looking back at allof the things that I endured in
my life, it's like, absolutely,you know, you were always.
I was always struggling to finda safe place And I realized
very young and I had to createthat safe place on my own a lot
And again loved my family andthey did the best that they knew
(07:45):
how.
But there's just so muchgenerational stuff.
It was thick and it was heavyAnd I never really felt like I
belonged, to be honest, likethere were times where I was
like I just I can't relate tothe what they're talking about,
i can't relate to what they'resaying or what they're listening
(08:07):
to, or I always felt like I wasa little bit different.
And I was, and that's okay, youknow, and I remember the old
Southern saying like she's toobig for her britches And it's
like what does that really mean?
And thinking back at it now,it's like it's kind of like that
invitation or permission foryou to play small, and I think I
(08:28):
did in a lot of ways And that'ssomething that now that I have
a 13 year old daughter, i'm verycognitive of And I just make
sure to build her up in all ofthose situations and make sure
that.
But I haven't always been thatmom and we'll get to that Maybe
not in this episode, but anotherfor sure.
(08:50):
The evolution of parenthood isdefinitely a thing.
Having a 13 year old and athree year old and doing it 10
years apart has been something.
But I look back at the waysthat I learned like sports were
always a big thing for me, likeI love flipping and jumping and
gymnastics and dance, and when Irealized I could run and change
(09:12):
my body, and going throughadolescence, when your body
really starts to change andreally not liking what was going
on and realizing that I couldrun and just and it was again.
It was that therapy for myself,like realizing and my household
, if there were things that mygrandmother had lost to my
father and she dealt with a lotof depression, i think when I
(09:33):
was growing up and I just Inever really understood it to a
point And I still have neverreally experienced deep
depression of any kind.
I've always found my ways tocope and usually that's being
outside or running or exercising.
But when I got this diagnosis ofPTSD it was eye opening because
(09:57):
it's like if I have it, howmany other people may have it?
And what is this from?
Like what is?
again, it was almost like Ididn't feel worthy of having
this diagnosis because it feltreally serious, and so I dove
really deep into trauma work andthank goodness for my life
(10:19):
coach, who's actually coached usinto getting the brain scans in
the first place, talking methrough and opening some doors
for myself to really understandwhat trauma is.
And I think that it's a bigmisconception that it has to be
some big catastrophic event, butit really doesn't.
So for me it was prolongedexposure to situations that made
(10:46):
me feel unsafe and how my mindreacted and my mind, my body and
my spirit reacted to thosesituations.
And that's big because, again,i've always been very just
intrigued by human health andbehavior, which led me into my
career of health and fitness andthen neuromuscular massage
(11:08):
therapy and now more into thetrauma and resiliency world and
energy work and it all reallyboils down to that, like that
reactivity in those patterns,and so realizing what my
patterns were as a child, wereto escape the environment, to
escape the situation I was in.
(11:29):
And as I got older it's like,well, okay, so you dance and
sing in your room when you're alittle kid, so what are you
going to do?
And at a lessons, you're goingto go for a run or you're going
to.
You know you're going to get abasket with being social and you
know you're going to develop aneating disorder and really try
to control things, because youknow, if you can't control your
environment and the things thatare going on around you, you can
control what you eat and youcontrol the way you look.
(11:50):
And that led into high schooland, to be honest, it's
something that is stillpredominant in my life and it's
something I think that youforever recover from.
And we'll get into a lot ofbody dysmorphia chats and in the
later segments.
But realizing that I am not mymind and I'm not my thoughts has
(12:14):
probably been the pshu justawakening for me.
And it's not just me, it'severyone.
Like you know, again going thisweekend like, oh, you should
reschedule.
You know, maybe it's three fora week where you don't have much
going on.
But no, you prioritize anythingthat you really want to make
important And that's exactlywhat I've done and that's
exactly why I'm here today.
And I'm here and I'm doing thefirst session.
(12:35):
And you know, that's somethingto really think about, because
the mind is a fucked up place.
It really is.
But having that awareness tounderstand that it is is huge.
And to be able to overcome anyof those, you know, whether it's
a worthiness situation or afear or doubt, or your ego is
(13:01):
taking over and telling you.
You know you should dressdifferently or look different.
You know it's like there's somany different components to it,
but understanding that you'renot those things, like what we
really are is what we feelinside and that's like the soul
connection, like what.
Like I know I'm supposed to behere.
I know I'm supposed to besharing my voice and my life
(13:21):
experiences with other people.
I come in completely unscriptedand just talk for my heart, so
I'd probably be scattered aroundand that's okay, because that's
that's authentically me And forthose who know me, i'm probably
laughing right now And thosewho don't, you'll.
You'll get to know me Andthere's been a lot of books and
a lot of like hardcore awarenessthat's led to realizing the
(13:46):
thought patterns andunderstanding ways that I used
to cop out of situations or makeexcuses or or find ways to just
.
You know what I'm overwhelmedright now I'm just going to go
for a run, but those are all.
Now I'm realizing all traumaresponses and what our huge
trauma responses are, or whatthe key ones are, are fight,
flight, freeze and fun, and I'vedone my fair share of all of
(14:10):
them.
You know, when I was younger,before I was able to hone in,
you know I held a lot, i had alot of abandonment triggers, i
had a lot of insecurities, ithink, as I think all young
children do, i had a lot ofanger.
You know I didn't reallyunderstand why things happened
the way they did, and but I alsohad a lot of love and
(14:32):
positivity and joy and laughter.
And you know, i grew up in ahousehold where it was pretty
jovial and goofy.
My uncle, in particular, isalways the jokester, always had
things to say, always had, youknow, whether, whether it be
polite or impolite or definitelynot politically correct, he, he
always knew how to keep itlight.
Same with my Nana She wasfantastic and super lighthearted
(14:55):
And so just having a balance ofall that I think I'm very
grateful for.
And I know that now that I'm 38years old, i realize that not
everyone has that balance.
So I try my best to to instillthose values into my children
and my friends and my family andkeep it light and keep it fun,
but also keep it serious andlike open hearted and vulnerable
at the same time.
(15:15):
And you know, i think becausebeing raised by my grandparents,
it was that generation of it'sokay, like we just won't talk
about it or let's brush rightinto the rug, or you know my
grandfather, i love him, buthe's one to walk into a tough
conversation and walk right backout and go grab a beer.
My Nan very different, you know, she was one to sit down and
(15:38):
and really I could share myheart with her and I could share
, i could share most things withher that I that I felt open to
now realizing I share everythingwith her because she's now a
guardian angel.
I lost her in 2013 and I thinkit was really at that point in
my life that I really felt thedeep gratitude for my childhood.
(16:06):
I think that there's a lot ofthings that I look back and I
held anger for that.
I realized, you know, my mom.
She went out and did her ownthing and she, you know she was
a drug addict, she wasprostitution, she had, she had
quite a life.
She would come in, she would bebaptized and be fine again and
then she'd go back out and, youknow, go missing for a few years
(16:27):
and whatever, and you know so.
But I realized that was herstuff, i had nothing to do with
me and I think that having theawareness of myself and
understanding that you know Iwas, i was kind of playing a
victim role and personalizingother people's suffering and
that's been one of my other hugeawakenings in the past few
(16:51):
years is, you know, ipersonalized everyone's
suffering because I'm a hugeimpasse and you know, i do have
the ability to feel energy in aroom, whether it's positive,
negative or somewhere in between.
But realizing that otherpeople's stuff is not mine to
carry is something that I amforever and will forever be
(17:14):
working on.
You know, whether it's myhusband, my kids it's funny, my
girlfriends and I we weretalking, and why is it so easy
to sit and listen to aconversation from a girlfriend
or a friend or whatever a familymember and they can completely
be venting and have theshittiest day and all this stuff
(17:34):
happening to them and you'rejust there to listen.
But then if you're throughspouse that's having the rough
day, or the rough time, or likewe personalize it so much, or
our parents, like if they'rehaving a rough day, i remember
as a kid like oh God, like beingscared, like not that anything
bad was going to happen.
Is it something I did?
Is it something I said?
And I think that goes back tothat fear and the worthiness
(17:55):
trigger of just knowing thatit's okay to have that
separation.
And I think that that'ssomething that I'm really
working.
I know it's something that I'mreally working on with my own
children is explaining to them.
You know I'm having a bad dayor such and such happened today,
(18:17):
so I'm a little bit more onedge than I should be.
So I just want to let you knowthat if there's anything that I
say or do, i just don't want youto take it personally and
especially with my spouse.
We have a really big life, wehave a lot going on.
You know he's running abusiness and I have to know that
if he's having a bad day thathas nothing to do with me, and
(18:39):
maybe sometimes it does, andthat's okay too.
We'll handle that a differentway.
But just knowing not topersonalize other people's stuff
has been a really hugerevelation for me and realizing
there's so many times in my lifewhere those trauma responses
came up, when I did personalizethings, like, you know, fighting
(19:03):
and arguing, when I felt likeyou know someone's having a bad
day well, why, why, why, andit's you know, that's their
stuff, leave them alone, letthem handle their business, you
know.
Or freezing and shutting downand just not having anything to
say.
That's a huge one as well.
And flight that's probably mybiggest pattern I've learned to
(19:27):
break is I have to get out ofhere, like it's not safe, i'm
gonna leave, like this isn'tgonna work for me, this isn't,
you know whether it's a clientor a spouse situation or a
social situation like, okay,this doesn't feel safe, i need
to leave, where obviouslythere's cases where that's the
case, and if you don't feel safe, you need to leave.
But realizing that that was apattern of mine, it was really
(19:48):
huge and the fawning fawning wasprobably.
That's a kicker and that one isthe one that I constantly have
to pull the awareness forbecause it's you know, fawning
can look like people pleasing.
Or I'm just gonna throw thebest party and I'm gonna just
(20:09):
set the table perfectly and justmake everything perfect,
because then it's gonna make theatmosphere more perfect.
I'm going to over-complementsomeone when they don't really
need over-complement.
They just need for me to sitand listen to them.
Or, you know, i'm gonna be theclass mom that gets to
everything and does everythingperfectly, like no, it's
unrealistic.
You know it's setting thoserealistic expectations and I
(20:31):
don't even like to use the wordexpectations because I feel like
that puts an extra level ofpressure on us that we really
don't need But just findingneutral ground and realizing and
having the awareness.
Of course I'm still gonna havethe trauma responses, but being
educated on them and what theyare allows me to have that
(20:53):
awareness Like am I worthy ofsharing my voice?
Am I worthy of the life that Ihave?
Am I worthy of the beautiful,healthy children that I have?
And I feel like that'ssomething that I have absolutely
struggled with my entire lifeis not feeling worthy of the
(21:13):
blessings that I've been given,and that's something that I've
definitely become more aware ofand part of coming out of that
is literally every day inaffirmations I am worthy, i am
capable, i am passionate, i amdeserving.
You know, really it's like whatwe tell ourselves, you know,
(21:34):
and I think it starts like anelementary school, like am I
worthy of this treat?
or, you know, it could go theother way too, when the ego
takes over and feeling likethings aren't fair.
And I've never really had thattype of mentality or really
understood like fairness is justdifferent, like everyone's
unique opportunities are veryunique to them.
So I get it for other peopleand I've definitely I'm a giver,
(21:56):
i'm a huge philanthropist atheart, like I've just always
been very giving and I was beinga kid.
I always like to get my stuffaway and you know when there
were times where I went throughselfish periods, obviously, but
and giving my time And that, ithink, is something for me in
starting this whole journey ofpodcasting, potentially starting
(22:17):
a business and all of thesedifferent things.
I had a conversation after Ifinished a certification on
Monday and it was for IET, whichis Integrative Energy Therapy,
which is an amazing tool torelease different energies from
your tissues and hone in on yoursoul's purpose on an energetic
(22:37):
level, and absolutely love thecourse, but I mentioned to my
instructor like I have a hardtime.
I feel like with my financialposition I'm pretty comfortable,
but I have a hard time chargingfor services.
Like I feel like it's more of aconversation for someone And I
(22:59):
just want to do it out of thegoodness of my heart.
And she said but Crystal, youhave dedicated so much time and
energy and finances andeverything to getting to this
point in your life.
You have to, and she's like theway I like to think of it as an
energy exchange And for me Imean she's speaking my language
(23:20):
with the energy exchange, itcompletely 180 navigated those
thoughts in my head.
It makes so much sense I am.
I've put so much time, so muchdedication, so much energy into
just always trying to manifestthis best, better version of
myself and learning and sharingthe vulnerability and owning my
mistakes and owning my shit andknowing that I'm definitely not
(23:43):
perfect by any means in any way.
But I'm like perfectly me andperfectly unique And that's okay
And I'm worthy of all of thedifferent opportunities, whether
it's the position I have in thecorporate world or the children
that I have.
They're super healthy.
We just had some friends thatwent through a really tragic
(24:04):
loss of their son, and I neverknow what to say in those
situations because it almostmakes me feel unworthy of having
healthy children And that's a Imean.
Obviously I would never wantanything terrible to happen to
my children, but when thathappens to other people and we
go through those grief cycles,it gives you, it gives me a
(24:25):
sense of like, wow, like thatcould have been me, it could
have happened to us, like whythem?
And obviously those are thepatterns and the thoughts in the
head that we just need to breakthe habit of having in the
first place because thingshappen.
But it's really interesting.
I hone in on this and I'veprobably read every Bernay Brown
(24:47):
book and watched everyone ofher dead talks And I love her
books on men, women andworthiness is actually a really
great one.
But like how we hold shame whenwe feel like we're not worthy
And I feel like for me it'sovergiving or over explaining or
doing too many acts of kindnessNot that you can do too many,
(25:11):
but you know what I mean Justgoing a little overboard with it
.
That's kind of one of my.
It's a fawning response.
Again, it goes back to thosetrauma responses of you.
Know how can I fix thissituation?
Because watching other peoplesuffer makes me uncomfortable
And that's the hard truth behindit.
It has yes, it has something todo with them and I'm super
(25:32):
empathetic person And Iunderstand and I really do feel
other people's feelings to afault sometimes.
But realizing my hard truth onthat is I don't like to witness
other people being uncomfortable, because it makes me
uncomfortable.
But why does it make meuncomfortable?
It's because I'm personalizingsomething.
So, going through the patternsin my mind of why am I
(25:56):
personalizing, you know, why areyou taking this to heart?
Why can't we just accept thefact that things happen?
Why can't we accept thegenerosity or the blessings, or
the financial blessings?
It's something that I'm a totalwork in progress and realizing.
(26:19):
I have a lot more work to do inthis area and I share it
because I feel like everyonedoes.
I think that you know, andhistorically, my old patterns,
especially when I was stilldrinking alcohol, would be you
know, everything's going toogood, like where's the drama?
Like everything's going sosmoothly right now, like
something must be, something'sabout to happen, something, you
(26:39):
know, something bad's gonnahappen.
Like how many people do that?
Everyone, everyone does that,like you go through and like, oh
, everything's been running sosmoothly and navigating so well,
like what's next?
And breaking those patterns ofeverything's running smoothly,
everything you know.
Like, how do we break that?
It's gratitude.
It's, you know, having thatintrinsic motivation to just
(27:01):
show your gratitude every singleday.
And switching thoseconversations with yourself Like
I'm so grateful I have healthychildren, i'm so grateful that I
have, you know, and a greathusband who has a really solid
career position.
You know, i'm grateful that Ihave a career position and a job
(27:22):
of my own.
You know, i'm grateful to havethe opportunity to speak to
people about this.
I'm grateful to have all thesedifferent opportunities fall in
my lap since I've been on thesejourneys, like you know, being
on the resilient retreat boardand, you know, in my dive deep
with trauma, i, from agirlfriend, you know she was
(27:44):
planning an event and she's like, hey, i would love for you to
help me plan, you know, set upfor this big event and you would
really love this facility andit's really pretty, and you know
, so I pull in for a tour and itactually just so happens to be
on land that my daughter used toride horses And it's a
nonprofit that provides freeprogramming for people that have
(28:05):
survived trauma and abuse, orfirst responders or helping
professions, which I feel likewe're kind of all helping
professions, to be honest.
So I go and take a tour and it'sstill under construction and
the executive director did thetour and I went with a
girlfriend of mine and we're onthe tour and they were talking
about the different areas andthe things that they're doing,
(28:26):
like you know, journaling andyoga and energy healing and
equine therapy and neurofeedback, and I'm just like in trauma
recovery heaven, like oh my God,how is this for real?
Like I can't believe this.
I just it's crazy.
And I guess the executivedirector saw my excitement
(28:48):
because there's not holding back.
I think I probably hugged herlike four times when we were
there because I did, i felt likeat home in a way.
I felt like this is like thisis incredible.
I don't know how.
I want to be involved, but Iwant to be involved.
Just let me know how.
And you know, from that meetingwe had a couple of emails and I
said I definitely want tovolunteer.
How do I volunteer?
(29:08):
How do I help?
And, you know, sent me all thematerials I logged in.
I did all the forms, i did allthe screenings, i did all the
things to get the ball rolling.
I started the trauma course Andwe ended up having a lunch with
the founder And during thatlunch I dished out my dirtiest
(29:33):
trauma crap, like all of it, mywhole life story, all the trauma
stuff.
I think it was like the one timeI felt like I had a super safe
place and someone who wouldunderstand, like someone.
She also had complex PTSD.
She also had, you know, crazythings happen to her and her
childhood.
She was also exposed to a lotof things.
(29:53):
So she understood me and I justpoured it all out on the table
and more So, being in my mostvulnerable place and I didn't
think twice about it.
I felt great about it.
Afterwards I remember gettingin my car and being like, oh,
that feels really good.
I just released like 20 poundsof shit off my back.
(30:14):
That felt really good And thatone conversation led to an
invitation to be on her boardAnd that, to me, was probably
the day the truly the day thatmy worthiness started to shift,
because not only am I absolutelydeserving of that opportunity,
(30:38):
but being in my most vulnerableplace and sharing like deep,
dark shit about my childhood, mymarriage, my parenting, my
exercise addiction, my bodydysmorphia, my Adderall
addiction when I was a kid Imean all of the things, i mean
the nasty, murky stuff that Idon't really talk to a lot of
people about led to anopportunity of a lifetime, to a
(31:02):
place that I had dreamed about.
I remember telling my girlfriendlike I just want to gather all
of these awesome healingmodalities I've been able to
experience for the past coupleyears and put it into one place.
Well, here we go.
This place not only exists, butyou're going to be involved And
now you're being asked to be ontheir whole strategic plan for
the rest of the future of thenonprofit.
(31:24):
And it was just.
I was blown away by theexperience And, to be honest, i
really am still in awe by it,but it's really allowed me to
own.
I am worthy, we're all worthy ofall the blessings and all the
things And, honestly, if we dohave bad things happen to us,
(31:44):
those are just opportunities forgrowth And understanding that
and breaking out of those victimmentalities and poor, pitiful
me or this happened.
Well, yeah, there's going to bethings that happen And some of
them are going to becatastrophic And some of them
are going to be littleday-to-day bullshit things, and
(32:05):
that's okay.
But learning how to first ofall have the awareness to know
you're not your reactions orresponses to them, and
understanding what's going on inyour mind and having the
self-awareness to hone in on thebig picture.
With that, but also, just again, it goes back to the gratitude
having gratitude for wow, like Imay not get this opportunity
(32:27):
every day, but I have it rightnow, so embrace it and take it.
And I actually talked to mylife coach this morning before
coming in and she said a wordthat came to her was Saber, and
to me that was really impactful.
And that's something, excuse me,i have really been trying to do
(32:50):
in my marriage and my parentingand just in my day-to-day life
is savoring the moments, addingmore stillness and stop being as
busy.
My husband's out of town andtaking my kids, who are 13 and
three, on a walk to have dinnerand watching them run around and
play and pushing them both homein the stroller And those are
(33:12):
memories that they may seemsimple and they are, but I'm
savoring them and appreciatingthem.
And my time at ResilientRetreat might not be forever,
but I'm savoring those momentsand my opportunity to speak to
all of you, just savoring thesetimes, because the only thing
that's guaranteed is life, andlife is change.
(33:34):
We're not guaranteed tomorrow,we're not guaranteed our breath,
we're not guaranteed anythingother than change and the
evolution of that and all of itsforms.
So I think the more that we canlearn to embrace it, because I
know firsthand.
I used to be a person and triedto control all the things and I
(33:55):
did not do well with change.
In some ways I did, in someways I did not.
But learning how to adapt andhave that resiliency through all
of the situations that we arein, so far we're given and their
blessings, like if you think ofall of it, their blessings And
if, whether it's good, bad orindifferent, it's something that
(34:18):
can teach you something aboutyourself and other people that
you might not have had theopportunity to learn before.
And that's what I love aboutlife.
And you know, every day I wakeup it's a new day, like it's my
choice whether I want to dwellon things from yesterday.
I read a quote one time andit's like why you wouldn't look
(34:40):
through yesterday's garbage tomake tomorrow's dinner.
No, it's disgusting.
So why do we do that toourselves?
You know, why do we look atthings that happened yesterday
and choose to carry them intotoday, and those could be good
or bad.
You know, having this, you know,if you're on a, everything's
great, and then you know,something bad happens, that's
(35:03):
what leads us into those depthsof disappointment.
It's like just understandingthe ebbs and flows and how to
adapt to those situations andthat it's constantly evolving.
It's like water And I feel likeI don't know.
I swear I was a mermaid inanother life But like the ebbs
and flows of water and justpicturing yourself kind of
swimming, and yeah, it's goingto be high tide, it's going to
(35:23):
be low tide, it's going to be,but learning how to navigate and
all of that, and mostly in ourminds and our bodies and our
spirits, and finally findingthings that fill you up.
You know, for me it's findingtime in nature, it's having
great connections with peopleand being able to connect on a
different level, And I thinkthat that's part of my fear with
(35:46):
starting all of this is likewhat's next?
Like, okay, i'm putting myselfout there, i'm talking, i'm, you
know, i'm putting, but I'mputting some pretty raw,
vulnerable stuff out there.
But what's that going to bring?
Is it?
am I going to be flooded withpeople trying to talk to me?
Am I going to be overwhelmed?
Who cares Like?
I'm just going to learn toadapt in ebb and flow and it's
okay to say no and it's okay toset boundaries.
(36:09):
And learning that asindividuals, i think really help
us from taking the next or helpus to take the next step.
It helps us really understandthat we are in control of our
life And a society that I feellike.
I admit I do not watch the newsat all.
Sorry for all of my mediafriends.
(36:31):
You're great at what you do.
I don't watch you, i don't lookat.
You know I'm pretty sparse onsocial media.
I get on.
I'll post a couple healing,healing things.
I'll you know some good quotes,some positive, uplifting stuff,
but I'm really not one tosearch and look through.
I just I can't handle it andit's something that I've never
(36:51):
been able to, to relate to, tobe honest, because it's like out
of sight, out of mind and callme naive, if you want, and
ignorance is bliss when it comesto stuff like that Like, i like
being in my bubble and I likesurrounding myself with you know
, healthy conversations andhealthy mindsets, and you know
understanding that I don't haveto feel obligated.
You know we have a great biglife and I'm involved with a lot
(37:13):
of philanthropic things, but Idon't necessarily have to attend
all the events.
I don't have to participate inall the things.
It's okay to say no and it'sokay to step back and it's okay
to do what serves you, and Ithink that I've just gotten to a
point in my life where I'mgiving myself permission to do
that.
You know, my husband and I justkind of evolutionary-wise,
(37:33):
we've just decided that we'renot drinking, like we just don't
drink alcohol anymore.
And it's not like I'm neverdrinking alcohol again, it's
just every day I wake up and youknow I'm not drinking today And
that's just kind of the waythat I like to think about it
and it's not.
You know, a lot of mine has todo with health issues and I'll
get a lot more in-depth intosome of the findings I've had
(37:56):
with you know hormones, adrenalfatigue, brain syndrome,
blood-brain barrier stuff, foodallergies.
I'm really looking forward tocovering a bunch of like broad
topics when it comes to all ofthis, but it's just like just
making that choice every day AndI think that that's something
that's huge because we, you know, i like a good challenge, i
like to set goals, i like topush myself, i like to win, i'm
(38:21):
pretty competitive but I alsohave like a softer side as well.
But I realizing that it's justjust take it day by day.
You know, i'm just gonna bepresent with my kids today.
My husband will tell you I usedto be the person that was
planning the next trip when wewere flying home from that trip,
because it was like, oh my gosh, it's like FOMO, like I don't
(38:43):
want the fun to end, i don'twant to go back to normal.
I'm like, no, i appreciategoing back to normal, i
appreciate going home andunpacking and unwinding.
I appreciate the slow days, iappreciate the busy days And
that's been a huge, pivotal partof my personal growth and
development mentally, physically, spiritually.
It's taking it day by day.
(39:03):
I was the person that used toplan my workouts all week And if
I didn't make a class or if Ididn't do this, i would just be,
i would beat myself up mentallyAnd it's like why That's just
giving opportunity for thosenegative thoughts to enter your
mind, when I could totally faceit from a place of gratitude,
like, wow, i'm really blessedfor this beautiful day and all
of the opportunities that arecoming to this day.
(39:23):
And when I go to sleep tonightI'm going to kind of recite my
three it's kind of something Ido either in the morning or at
night and sometimes both Mygratitudes for the day, like I'm
grateful for this beautiful day, i'm grateful for the
opportunities in the day, i'mgrateful for the slow moments,
for the fast moments, whatever.
It is just having thatgratitude in each day And I
(39:44):
think that has been somethingthat's helped me with the trauma
recovery.
It's helped me with eatingdisorder recovery, body
dysmorphia, recovery fromdrinking alcohol, from taking
Adderall, from all the thingsI've been involved in, from
gossipy conversations Likethere's things that don't serve
me well anymore.
So I don't participate And Itake that day by day.
(40:09):
And I think if there's one thingthat I'd really like to
emphasize in, like one place Ican recommend everyone start is
gratitude affirmations andtaking it day by day.
And it's been a pleasure tochat with you all and I'm really
looking forward for everythingto come.
(40:30):
I have a lot of awesome peoplethat have been on my path with
me and my journey with me, andI'm looking forward to sharing
much more of that with you.
And again, we're going to talkabout all kinds of fun topics,
all kinds of self healing topicsthat feel good stuff.
That also feel good stuff, yeah.
So we have a lot more to comeand I'm super excited to be here
(40:51):
and sharing my life with you.
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