November 21, 2024 • 63 mins
Join me in a heartfelt conversation with the extraordinary Jen Smith, a business and life coach who has been a pivotal force in my personal and professional growth. We reminisce about our transformative first retreat together and how it encouraged me to embrace and own my personal story. Jen shares her incredible journey from executive coaching to leadership empowerment, and how her divorce served as a defining moment for personal growth. Together, we explore the power of embracing change, seeking help, and the vibrant community we've both found strength in.
Navigating life's complexities is no easy feat, and in this episode, we dive into the importance of setting boundaries and self-discovery. I recount my experience of shedding old patterns that no longer served me, emphasizing that healing is a non-linear journey. We also touch upon the nuances of parenting, focusing on setting boundaries with children that honor their autonomy while fostering mutual respect. Listeners can glean insights into crafting healthier relationships by prioritizing individual needs and maintaining authenticity, even in the face of generational shifts.
Finally, we explore the transformative journey of self-reflection and the empowerment that comes from understanding our personal needs. By prioritizing self-care and nurturing personal goals, we can recharge and maintain balance in our lives. We share our excitement for future discussions on relationships and sex, highlighting the playful yet profound connections that fuel our collaborative spirit. This episode promises an engaging and transformative listening experience as we journey through evolving dynamics of relationships, self-discovery, and empowerment.
Thank you for joining me today. Please know that this podcast and the information shared is not to replace or supplement any mental health or personal wellness modalities provided by practitioners. It’s simply me, sharing my personal experiences and I appreciate you respecting and honoring my story and my guests. If something touched your heart please feel free to like, share and subscribe. Have a beautiful day full of gratitude, compassion and unconditional love.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello everyone and welcome to this episode of
Crystal Clear.
I have the gorgeous, wonderfulsoul sister of mine, ms Jen
Smith, who is a hell ofabusiness executive coach and
life coach and honestly she'slike one of the people in my
journey that really like taughtme to own my shit and get me out
(00:22):
of my ruts and also gives thebest hugs ever.
So welcome Jen.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
That was nice.
I'll own that.
Thank you for that.
I love giving hugs, especiallyto you.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
You do the best hugs.
But we've done a number ofretreats now and the first one
was four years ago which is hardto believe and it was with my
YPO group, the spouse forum ofexecutive husbands, and you
essentially came in and I'llnever forget, like I was telling
you all this stuff about myhusband and you're like, well,
(00:58):
what's your fucking story?
Like okay, your husband soundsgreat, or whatever you guys are
going through, like okay, yourhusband sounds great, or
whatever you guys are goingthrough, what's your fucking
story?
And I'm like what is my story?
And it all kind of unfoldedfrom there.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
It did so.
Thank you for that.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Because that was kind of the like you know how you
fall off the swing set whenyou're a kid.
You like really fly far off theswing set.
You fall and you're like thewind gets knocked out of you,
but you get up and you're likeokay, like the adrenaline kicked
in, like I'm ready to go now.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Yeah, that's what it did for me.
That's amazing.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
That was such a fun group.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
It was really fun.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
We're very diverse Exploring.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Yeah, oh my gosh, did we explore in?
Speaker 1 (01:36):
that we're a diverse group yeah, you are Very, very
different and have some ebbs andflows, but yeah, yeah, it was
wonderful, it was wonderful.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
And now we have evolved, we have evolved, you
have evolved.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
I have evolved.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Very much so.
We've both evolved, we've bothevolved and we're sitting here.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
We are, and we actually come from the same
similar little place inTallahassee.
I know A little outside.
So we're a little Tallahasseelassies at heart, but barefoot
now in Sarasota.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
Love it.
Yeah, me too.
I love every second of it.
Oh gosh, yes, Country beachbest of both worlds.
Best of both worlds, all ofthese energetic souls here in
Sarasota with this magicaluniverse that we live in.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Yes, absolutely so.
Tell us a little bit.
How would you like to.
I had my own description of you.
Yeah, Tell us a little bitabout yourself.
Where are you now?
Speaker 2 (02:30):
know that I wanted to do that until I was presented
the opportunity over the lastcouple of years to see and work
with these different leaders, Istill have my own personal
(02:53):
clients and those clients rangefrom business owners to moms
that are getting into business.
I definitely work with leaderswho want to lead and want to
serve and have a leadershipmentality.
So between that executivecoaching and I'm doing business
(03:13):
development, which I've beendoing since I closed Leloo,
which is sweet and sour at thesame time, but it's led me here
and I just absolutely love whatI'm doing and I love the people
that I'm working with and I'mreally happy.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Good and I'm excited.
I feel like we've had our ebbsand flows and 911 calls and girl
chats and all the things foreach other.
It's like one thing turns intoa street of you telling me to
own my shit and then it's like,well, you know what, I'm going
to help you own yours too.
We're going to get through this.
I love it.
I love how these relationshipsstart off and how they transpire
and we did.
(03:54):
I watched you speak at Bluebird, an event.
What was it last summer?
I feel like time is flying by.
I have no concept of time.
Me either, and you reallytalked about and it was a big
group of women for those whoaren't familiar and you really
spoke a lot about, like, how yougot to where you are now,
Because you know.
Share a little bit about that,if you're open to it.
(04:15):
Like where, where were yourbiggest pivots, what were your
biggest like?
You know what?
I need to shake this up.
This just isn't for me.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
I think the most relevant one pertaining to this
subject is my divorce.
It's not something that I talkabout a lot, but when I do talk
about it, I talk about it indetail, and going through that
divorce was one of the mostground shattering events of my
entire life.
(04:42):
To your topic of owning yourshit, I had to look at myself
and every aspect of my lifebecause I knew that I had had a
hand in where we were Right andI couldn't move forward until I
figured out the whys and what Idid and how I could do it
(05:05):
differently, because I knew thatI didn't want to repeat all of
those patterns again.
And so in that moment where weseparated, I decided I can sit
in it or I can figure out why,and a country girl from the
South who has a farmer'sdaughter get your shit together,
(05:30):
you get after it, pull up yourbootstraps and keep going.
If you want it done, right, doit yourself mentality that
wasn't serving me anymore.
I needed help, right, I neededa lot of help.
So I started going intodifferent places and I went to
the bottom of the barrel.
I hit bottom and, talking abouta pivot again, I could sit in
all of that misery or I couldfigure out what to do with it
(05:53):
next.
So that was a huge pivot.
And then I subsequently movedout of a house of seven to a
house of one, closed my brickand mortar business started a
new business, got divorced,covid, co-parenting I mean co
-parenting Whole differentanimal.
(06:15):
That's a whole different animal.
Yeah, so that was a big pivotin my life and what I found out
is that I'm a really fuckingawesome person.
I just had to get rid of somepretty old patterns and
behaviors that weren't servingme anymore and I had to face
them and I had to be honestabout them and I had to look
(06:37):
them in the mirror and decide ifI was going to take them with
me or leave them in that barrelthat I was floating in.
And I would say 90% of them Ileft in that barrel.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
I love it.
And how long do you feel likethat journey, that particular
journey of facing it, owning it?
I mean, I for me, I feel likeit's continuous.
Yes, I feel like sometimes I'mswirling in my barrel, like
sometimes I'm out, I'd peek myhead out, sometimes I pop back
in.
So how long do you feel?
Because I know a lot of peopleare like sometimes I'm swirling
in my barrel, like sometimes I'mout, I peek my head out,
sometimes I pop back in.
So how long do you feel?
Because I know a lot of peopleare like I want a quick fix,
(07:09):
Everything's going to be fine ifI do these two things.
And I'm like, eh, and even whenyou do all the work, like what
does it take?
Like the recent stuff we weretalking about before we got on
air here, like all it takes is a, a hurricane or two or some
destruction and neurologicallyin our brain that looks like
warfare.
So we all become survivorsagain, no matter how much trauma
(07:33):
healing we've had.
It puts us back in that fight,flight, fear, fawn.
What the fuck am I doing?
Speaker 2 (07:38):
stage.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
And so it's continuous, and I think that
that's something that I express.
A lot is like healing is notlinear.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
No, it is not.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
It's continuous growth, because what I've found
for myself is I've gotten out ofa lot of my patterns but then I
create new patterns of somesort.
But sometimes I feel like I'mkind of getting in that phase
now Some stuff just gets stale,like whether it's the same talk
therapist or the same workoutroutine or the same just I am a
person that needs to shakethings up Like I can't be, doing
(08:08):
one thing all the time.
I'm not built that way.
I've never been built that way.
Very much like you, I'm a ifyou want it done right, do it
yourself, push it aside and workthrough it.
I can't do that because thenwhat happens?
It shows up nasty for me Alwaysand it never works.
It never works.
But I think that our society,all this masculine energy that
(08:30):
we're surrounded by, kind ofcreates that, because I feel
like I have more of a tendencyto lean towards more on the
masculine energy side than thefeminine sometimes, which I'm
really trying to tap more intothe feminine.
But like society, we you knowwhen you see this, I'm sure, in
business development.
So how have you found yourbalance with that?
Speaker 2 (08:48):
Okay, so that's a big one.
I'm going to answer.
You had one question and thatwas how long did it take me?
Because I think that'simportant, yeah, when I was in
the real thick of it and Iprioritized it and that's a key
word, Right, I prioritized thatand I wanted to go after it and
I will say I do not advise thisto anybody, okay.
So I'm going to note this is anadvisory warning.
(09:11):
I don't advise this.
I went after everything,everything, and I'm talking
about different things in mychildhood, different things with
my dad, different things withmy second dad, different things
in my life growing up.
I mean, I went after all of itat the same time.
I went after everything thatwas happening with my divorce,
what got me there.
I went after the guilt, theshame, all of that, and I went
(09:34):
after it at one time, with manydifferent modalities, and it was
horrific.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
I can relate.
I did the same I can relate.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
I did the same, but how long did that take me?
A solid three years and Iturned 40.
So there was all of this otheremotional stuff going on when a
woman gets into her early 40sthat I was also going through,
right where something would comeup.
Do you know that episode inForrest Gump where Lieutenant
(10:05):
Dan is on the sailboat, yeah,and he looks up at the heavens
and he says is that all you'vegot?
Bring it on?
Yeah, that's me, everythingthat came up.
If it wasn't just ripping me topieces, I'm like is that it?
What the fuck else?
Because bring it Right Again.
(10:28):
That was a solid, I would say,two to three years, yeah, but it
has been an ongoing process.
But I will tell you thatbecause I chose to do that.
When I got on the other side ofit and I finally was able to
look myself in the mirror andI'm talking about, I dissected
the lies, the deceit and Ilooked everything in the face
from my previous 40 years, Ihave been so peaceful.
(10:52):
I'm at a place in my life whereI can look at you with 100%
certainty and tell you I'm atpeace, you, the gods, the
president, your best friend, myexes I can't get rattled.
(11:14):
I get irritated I get frustrated, but I'm able to work through
it a lot better than I've everbeen in my life, and sometimes I
have to pinch myself and I go.
Is this possible?
And then to your next point isit's always ongoing, though
those other patterns and thoseother things that come up, I
take the time to go stop.
(11:35):
Like you said earlier, I'mlearning how to just not, I just
don't.
I lock the gate at my countryhouse and I sit behind that gate
on my property and I process it, whether it's 10 minutes or 10
hours, and then I'm done, right.
And then I come out the gateand I'm fine, right, I'm good.
And then, anyway, to the nextquestion about balance of.
(11:57):
I love the topic about masculineand feminine energy because
when it when it comes to owningyour shit, both of those
energies have different pathwaysto get to owning your shit, and
I've navigated between both ofthem and I think that as women,
especially when women figure outhow to navigate between the
masculine and the feminine, thatis when we become the most
(12:20):
powerful universal being thatyou're ever going to become
Right, like unapologetically,unapologetically amazing.
Yeah, and I guess it goes backto that same statement is that
when something comes up.
I have to prioritize the timeto work through it, right?
(12:41):
I had a conversation with afriend at dinner on Tuesday and
on the way there somethinghappened.
And when we sat down togetherhe said to me wow, what's going
on with you, what's happening?
And I'm like you know,something just came up and I
have to work through it, likeI'm processing right now, and I
said you know what?
I don't want to be here.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
I got to go, yeah, and I got up and left, yeah, and
that's okay, that's okay, andI'm sure he didn't care, not at
all.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
And if he did.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
I don't give a fuck, Right, I love it.
Well, and that's more of whatwe need and I think that's my
whole point of doing thispodcast is giving people
different perspectives.
To give them permission, right,because everyone's lens is
different.
Everyone has a differentchildhood, everyone has a
different background, everyonehas a different reality.
You can have a family of sixpeople and every single person
(13:34):
has a totally differentperspective of mom, dad,
siblings, everything which Ithink is fascinating, but it
really boils down to ownershipand taking responsibility for
like.
If you would have muscledthrough that dinner, you would
have not been present.
You would right, you would havenot enjoyed your food.
It would have been.
You probably weren't evenhungry at that point, but you
(13:56):
took the time for yourself andthat's something I'm realizing
is just so necessary, and I hada conversation about this last
night.
Life catches up and there's alot of it, but you have to set
boundaries.
I have to set boundaries onmyself and just being like you
know what, nope, I can't and notexplaining myself that's one
(14:20):
thing I've really tapped into islike no, I can't go without
saying because like it's no, no,no one gives a shit, nope, no
one cares why you can't go Right, like when someone and I
realized that when I have likeand I love them, but I have some
friends that are overexplainers, yeah, and every time
I'm like that's a traumaresponse to stop, this is a
(14:40):
wrong person, no one cares, noone cares at all, and they're
always like I love you, thankyou, and I'm like, seriously,
because when you get into the,just say no, because that's
powerful Period, like knowingthat no is a full sentence.
When someone told me that itmay have even been you, I don't
even remember I was like no shit.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
It is, it so is.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
It's different when your teenagers are giving it
back to you.
That's a little bit, but it's,but it's also respecting that.
No is a complete sentence.
For them too.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
It depends on the eye rolls and the tone of voice and
everything else, but there'snothing else that comes with it
when my son says no to me, he'lllook at me and he'll give me a
look that I used to give mymother, that I still give people
, and now I'm seeing it's likelooking myself in the mirror and
he'll go no, and he'll look atme as if he's waiting for
(15:34):
something so that he can respondto it.
And then I go, okay, you'reright.
No, because anything that comesafter that statement is a
reaction.
I don't really give a fuckabout right, and it's either I'm
provoking something, um, or I'mwanting to start something, or
(15:56):
protecting an ego or a powerparental.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
I mean, we came from that generation of you know,
because I said so, the it's likereally, that's not a thing,
like it's really.
I mean, I understand respectand you know it is a thing, but
like I have never.
I strive to be that parent.
That's never a because I saidso, Right, or or I'm going to go
(16:19):
do all this shit, but because Itell you not to do it.
You're not supposed to do it.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
That's a whole other podcast.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
That's a whole other thing.
That's a whole series of apodcast.
That's a whole Southern thing.
But that's been a bigtransition for us because that's
like Matt and I have had someextreme life changes when our
kids became adolescents.
Because I don't want to be thatparent, you know, I want them
to explore and do all the thingsthat we did and I want to be
the only one to pick them up.
You know I want to be the onlyone to be like.
You know what that sucks,doesn't it Like?
(16:44):
That doesn't taste real goodcoming back up or whatever it is
that they're doing.
Good kid, so far, Knock on wood.
Yes, but, and just being inthose moments of you know what I
want you to explore life, andI'm going to love you
unconditionally through itbecause I don't know if I really
, because I don't know if Ireally.
I mean, I received it, but Ithink I also tested a lot of
(17:07):
boundaries, which everyone does.
So how do you navigate thatwith your kids?
Because you have bonus children, you have biological children,
so what has been your biggestkind of pivot in parenting when
it comes to this Like settingboundaries, like we talked about
, and you mentioning your son,saying no?
(17:28):
So how do you not not react tothat, having the background of
because I feel like most of ourgeneration does, it's like
children should be seen and notheard, and because I said so,
and because they're an adult,you listen to what they say and
it's like they're not making anyfucking sense.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
You know, whenever I decided and that's it.
Whenever I decided that I wasgoing to be a mother and not a
daughter anymore was anotherearth shattering moment for me
in my life.
Because my mom was challengingme on some beliefs at the time
(18:05):
and I said to her, respectfullyit's my turn now.
I'm a mom and I have thesevalues and I have things that
are important to me and they'redifferent than yours, and I
respect that and I honor that.
But I'm the mom now and this ismy son and these are the values
(18:26):
that I want to instill in him.
And if you can respect that,then it's always going to be
open doors and we're going to beon the same island together.
But if you can't, then we'regoing to have to make some
shifts.
And in that moment it set mefree, because I knew that I was
going to be able to be authenticin my parenting and I was going
to be able to set thoseboundaries and I was going to be
able to be authentic in myparenting.
And I was going to be able toset those boundaries and I was
(18:48):
going to be able to navigatebetween my bonus kids and my
child.
And we go through attachmentand releasing attachment and it
just came up right now that Isaid my son and it's an
interesting concept when we saythey're mine, right, they're my
kids and they're mine, well,he's his own.
(19:09):
I'm raising a man, I'm notraising a baby.
Right.
Same thing with my girls.
And you know and it's just sointeresting the dynamic.
And the first thing I want tosay is I had to release
attachment with my bonus kidsbecause they have a mother and a
father Right.
So when we divorced, that wasone of the most shocking
(19:32):
attachments that I had to workthrough, because I was so used
to having them with me and I wasso used to having that time
spent.
But I can't expect them to gobetween three homes.
That's not okay.
So I had to dig deep withinmyself, I had to be honest about
what my choice was and I had toown it.
(19:53):
This is what got me here.
This is the choice that I made,this is the choice that we've
made collectively, and now Ihave to figure out a new pattern
.
But as far as behavioral stuff,you know, one of the things that
I taught Bodhi whenever he waslittle was your teachers are not
always right.
Oh no, because he had a teacherthat he came home one afternoon
(20:14):
and he told me that one of histeachers was yelling at him and
he goes.
And I said how did that makeyou feel?
And he goes.
Honestly, I didn't like it.
I didn't like it, mom.
It kind of hurt my feelings alittle bit, and he said and then
I got mad, yeah, because it'sembarrassing, yeah, and I said
okay.
So we had this wholeconversation about your teachers
are not always right.
(20:34):
The adults in your life are notalways going to be right.
Guess who?
That always includes Right, meExactly.
And so it's interesting thedynamic of that lesson, because
now, at almost 14 years old, hewill say I disagree with you
Quite frankly.
I think you're wrong.
That kid has an exceptionalvocabulary too, by the way.
(20:57):
So when he does these big wordswith me.
He's like I think you're wrong,I am peace and serenity.
I am peace and serenity.
Okay, tell me what you got.
And then I have to check my ego, remove that old belief pattern
from many moons ago of I'mright, you're wrong, I'm the
(21:19):
parent, you're not, and listen,and actively listen, right, not
just looking out or beingirritated and trying to be sassy
.
I have to actively engage withhim.
Honestly, we're going to getinto a fight or hear his heart.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Yes, and I think that that's something that I know
for me, like once I started tolisten to my own heart it
allowed me to be able to listento other people's perspectives,
their opinions, their values and, just like you said, like going
into.
I want to go back to thatconversation with you and your
mom.
That's a perfect example andI've talked about this on
(21:57):
previous podcasts perfectexample of having an adult-adult
relationship with your parents.
I know so many people thatstill do not have adult adult
relationships with their parents.
They still allow their adultparents to parent them, then
parent their children, and itjust becomes this cycle of.
(22:18):
I mean it's a blessing now thatmy mom and I were like sisters
growing up and she was like mycrazy sister that went off and
did crazy things and came backand I was raised by my
grandparents.
But we've always kind of had anadult.
I always felt like the adult inthis situation anyway, but
we've always had that together.
But I've had to work with mygrandparents who raised me on
having that setting thoseboundaries of you know what?
(22:38):
I'm the parent now and that'sokay and I'm pretty fortunate
they interfere too much.
But I see that a lot,especially with females or males
that seek approval from theirparents.
It's like, okay, you didn't getthat when you were little, but
guess what?
You can give that to yourchildren and you can do it for
(23:00):
yourself.
So when I started working onlike what do I want for me
Instead of what do I want themto want for me, it shifted
everything.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
That question that you just said is an is a huge
question for women especially.
I mean, I think men too.
But yeah, what do I want?
What do I want for me?
Right, that, in keeping withthe topic of ownership and um.
So if a person can't figure outwhat it is that they want, or
someone doesn't want to take thetime, prioritize the time, to
(23:33):
figure out that question, theneedle's never going to move.
No, Don't you feel that 100%?
I mean it's never going to goanywhere.
You're going to stay in onespot and you're going to rotate
around like a cat chasing itstail.
That question is probably thekey to evolution.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
It 100% is.
And that's what thatconversation leads me to, our
first conversation.
You made me think, because Ican sit there and bitch all day
long about the things thataren't going right, but what do
I want?
What do you want?
Speaker 2 (24:06):
What do?
Speaker 1 (24:06):
you want and I'm like , well, right, but what do I
want, what do you want, what doyou want?
And I'm like, well, you know, Ijust had this new baby and it's
like, well, I want to be a mom,but I want to fulfill my
purpose.
And my purpose isn't just beinga mom and like, look at us now.
Like it's, it's working, it'sno-transcript.
(25:16):
I started the relationship and27, when I got divorced and I
was a baby and I had a baby inthe middle and she's the most
wonderful thing ever.
But you know, co-parenting hasbeen no joke, but I really I
didn't know what I wanted.
That because it was kind oflike, whew, this is your
situation.
And I was like, oh, okay, butthis time I felt like I had a
(25:36):
choice and I got to choose.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
And just think about how long that process of not
knowing what you want has goneon.
Right, and, like your friendsand people, I have people that
still at in their late forties,early fifties, haven't answered
that question yet.
Right, and I'm like you'reyou're more than halfway through
your life.
And if you don't know what youwant in your life, in your life
(26:01):
as in a relationship or apartnership, in how, how you
want to parent, co-parent, whereyou want to go, if you're going
to go to Georgia, do you justgo okay, I'm going to get in my
vehicle and just drive or do youlook at your map and figure out
what's the best way to getthere?
And the other question is howmuch do you lie to yourself?
(26:24):
We've had this conversation thatbroke me wide open, a hundred
percent, about, if even I meansomething as simple as I'm going
to get up and go to the gym inthe morning.
And if you think about how manytimes you didn't get up and go
to the gym in the morning, eventhough you told yourself you
were going to go to the gym inthe morning.
You have opened yourself up,you have lied to yourself,
you've delivered that lie andyou've given yourself permission
(26:44):
to be a fucking slob, yep.
And then it just repeats itself.
And then it's 40 years later.
Look at that patterndevelopment.
Now it's I'm going to go meethere, I'm going to do this, I'm
going to do that, or I'm okay,or I'm okay, I'm fine.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
That was my biggest one.
Everything's fine, everythingwill be fine.
I was not fine, no, I was notfine.
Nobody's fine when they saythey're fine, no, it's fine when
they I hate the word fineactually, unless you're like Ooh
, you're looking fine.
I mean, that's one thing that'sdifferent, but and that's just
it.
Yeah, and it's like that's.
That is huge and I actually hadthis conversation with.
I had breakfast with Laurentoday after and um, I did this
(27:21):
mediumship and, like my dad camethrough and um this, I see
Nadine from Spiritual HealingArts.
She's amazing.
And she's like you know he isvicariously living through you
because you don't tell yourselflittle white lies.
But there was a time periodwhere I did all the time, yeah,
like, oh, I'm okay, or this isfine, or this relationship is
(27:43):
healthy, or it's going to getbetter, or I'm happy, I'm happy,
or guess what?
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Or I have to be happy .
Speaker 1 (27:51):
Right, and it's like, no, like you are in need of
intimacy and connection and allthese things, and I think for a
long time I just didn't evenknow what the really was.
Yeah, I think we all have tofigure out what that means to us
because, just like anythingelse those are, it's different,
it's different for everydifferent, it's different for
every couple, it's different forevery person, and that
constantly evolves.
(28:11):
Yes, you know, I just feel likeit's intimacy and connection
now looks very different than itdid five years ago and I'm sure
it looks very different than itwill in five more years.
And even with myself, like,what do I like to do in my quiet
moments?
And when I started livinghonestly, in my quiet moments
(28:33):
I'm not scrolling on my phone,I'm not calling and
chit-chatting and gossiping andtalking shit Not that I did that
a lot, but you can get on thewheel of complaining and
victimizing and living thatvictim mentality of life is
happening to me when I startedjust being like you know what,
I'm going to go for a nice walkand I'm going to go to yoga
class and I'm going to, I'mgoing to live my truth of what,
(28:55):
where I want to go.
So, just like you said, likeyou're not going to go to
Georgia without not knowing howto get there.
I had to figure out what wouldget me to peace and like a solid
place, which you knowsolidification depends on the
day.
I'll just say that.
But it's getting there.
Like we said before, it'sconstantly evolving and it's
(29:16):
okay to give yourself permissionto change it up and shift it.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
I think one of the best takeaways for me with
owning your shit is to not lieto yourself anymore.
With owning your shit is is tonot lie to yourself anymore and
for people to understand.
I had to really understand.
I had to go through and writeeverything down and this is what
one of my therapists duringthat time said to me.
She said go and write down allthe lies that you told yourself.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
I'm like you had us do that exercise.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
Yes, and I still use that with my clients.
Um, but I was like, was like,could you give me some clarity
on that?
Like in the last six months,and she went no child In the
last, like forever.
I mean, do you know how longthe paper was?
It was like nine pages.
I still have it in that book, Ilove that.
And it was like one-liners Ninepages of notebook paper.
(30:05):
You know how many lies that is,but I got into it though.
I mean, I'm talking abouteverything.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
What were the biggest ones?
Tell us the biggest ones.
Speaker 2 (30:15):
Let's share, because I'm sure everyone can relate.
Well, one of the things wasabout sex.
Yeah, you know about when,something, when you say that
something feels good and itdoesn't feel good.
That was huge for me because Ihad some things in my youth that
I didn't realize had carriedthrough.
I can't even believe.
I just said that out loudactually, yeah, I didn't realize
(30:39):
that it had carried throughinto my adult life and as I'm
coming into 40, now, eight yearsago, it was like you know
something, this actually doesn'tfeel good, right?
So why do you say that it feels?
Why do I say that this feelsgood when it doesn't fucking
feel good, right?
Speaker 1 (30:56):
Inside or outside?
Inside or outside, physicallyor emotionally.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
If you don't know how to use your words and I tell my
kids this all the time if youcan't converse about what it is
that you're doing with theperson that you're doing it with
verse about what it is thatyou're doing with the person
that you're doing it with.
And I say this to my businessclients don't do it.
If you can't talk aboutbusiness with your business
partner and you can't talk aboutfinances with your business
partner and all the things, ifyou can't talk about sex and if
(31:21):
you can't talk about parenting,then don't do it.
You have no business doing it.
You need to back the fuck up,write a plan down and then press
go again.
Right.
So I applied all of thosetechniques and that exercise
(31:42):
about writing all of these liesby divorce, my own behaviors,
the reasons that I was allowingthat behavior to keep happening
and I don't like the word Idon't know or the phrase, but I
did have some, I don't knows.
And then I took those topicsand I put them on a separate
(32:04):
piece of paper and whatevertopic that was that I wasn't
sure about.
That's what I started with,because I needed to figure out
why.
And then I started exploring.
Well, okay, where's the lie inhere, and do you really not know
?
Or are you covering up whatreally hurts you and what you're
afraid of and ashamed of andyou don't want to say out loud?
(32:24):
That's the thing.
Whenever we separated, Icouldn't say the word divorce
because there was guilt andshame attached to that word.
For me, how I reprogrammed itwas that it's an opportunity for
me to become a better motherand a better woman, and that's
(32:46):
essentially what I started toteach my kids.
But for the first 18 months Icouldn't say the word divorce.
I explored that.
Why?
What does that shame look like?
Where does the guilt come from?
Where did that come from?
For you that the most came from.
I thought that I was ruining mykids' lives.
I thought that by advocatingfor myself and realizing that I
(33:11):
was, it wasn't going to work.
For multiple reasons.
Make no mistake I am putting myhand up saying I fucked up.
I didn't get there by myself,because he fucked up too.
But the biggest was I thought Iwas ruining my kids' lives by
leaving and that I needed tostay.
(33:31):
That's a whole other topic, butI needed to stay, but I
realized that I couldn't.
Other shame and guilt was whatI did to get there and my
behaviors and this old beliefsystem.
There were some things that Iwas running away from.
I was sabotaging certain partsof my relationship because I was
(33:53):
terrified about what wasunderneath the reason of why I
was sabotaging it.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
I think that is huge for most people.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
Yeah, and I had to be honest, because all of that
stuff that was fueling thosebehaviors was real ugly, it was
real nasty and there was a lotof lies wrapped in that until I
could look myself in the faceand say this is what you've done
, these are the things that youdid to get here and now let's
(34:25):
figure out how to change it sothat you don't repeat it moving
forward.
If I had never done thatprocess, I would still be there.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
Right, and if you had never done those things, you
wouldn't have had this growth.
Exactly that's what I wantpeople to understand and really
take from this.
Right Is by facing your shit.
It might feel icky and stickyand nasty for a little while.
Yeah, when you get on the otherside of it, it is so freeing
because then it's like you don'thave shit on me, talking about
(34:56):
your own demons, your own shadowwork and stuff constantly comes
up.
My daughter hit 14.
Some stuff came up for me.
I wrote a lot of 14-year-oldcrystal letters this past summer
because I needed to workthrough my own stuff.
So I didn't project my14-year-old self into her
because, you know, I had someweird things happen to me when I
(35:18):
was a teenager and for so longI feel like I held shame and
guilt and fear and all of thisstuff.
And going back to likesexuality, it 100,000 percent
affected my sexuality because Ididn't know what I needed, what
I wanted and what felt good tome.
I didn't know, I don't think Iknew that until I met my current
(35:43):
husband and like, until youfind like a safe person when it
comes to sexuality.
Like there's not.
It's a game changer.
It is like a mind, body, spiritand yeah, it hasn't always been
that way.
We've had to work to get therefor each other.
Can we do a sex podcast?
Yes, let's do a sex podcast.
We're doing a sex podcastcoming up soon.
Speaker 2 (36:05):
um, can, can I?
Can I just tell you somethingto that point really quick.
I went to a silent retreat lastyear, seven days in silence,
and something that came up inone of the practices that we did
there was rape was I was raped,and I think that many, many
young women was I was raped.
And I think that many, manyyoung women, especially in
(36:29):
college scenarios, can say that.
And do you know what?
I used to tell myself what, oh,I was just taken advantage of,
I was just drunk.
I was just drunk and Ishouldn't have been.
I put myself in that position.
It actually makes me sweatbecause it's still hard for me
(36:50):
to say that I was raped.
And until I said that at thatsilent retreat, crystal, I was
47.
That was last year.
I remember when you went onthat retreat, it took me 40.
Well, I mean, I was in college,so I was probably in my early
20s, but it took me over 20years to be able to come to say
that.
And I've got like tears areswelling up in the back of my
(37:11):
eyes right now.
Um, that's what I'm talkingabout.
To the topic of owning your shityeah, because I think as women,
we hold that it's a lie we makeexcuses If you were raped and
you say, oh, I was drunk, yes,you were drunk, great Right, but
that doesn't give somebody elsethe fucking the wherewithal to
(37:31):
take advantage of you.
That's on them.
Yeah, you got drunk, you gotdrunk, fine, but that doesn't
mean that somebody puts theirhands on you.
Um, and just to eve, I wrote itdown like to say that, oh, I
was taken advantage of the fuck.
That's what I'm talking aboutnot lying to yourself, and you
know I love this topic of owningyour shit as an individual.
(37:54):
I mean we could talk about it onso many different levels, but I
mean I guess, if anybody'slistening, when people listen to
this and I see you, by the wayis that don't lie to yourself
about anything say and that youneed to say so that you can
(38:23):
release the anchors that are inyou, so that you can move
forward in your own healingprocess and journey, especially
if you have little people inyour life Like my girls, if
anything ever happened like thatto them and I don't and I'm not
showing them how to use theirwords and how to use their voice
and how to not lie tothemselves and to own their shit
, even if it's embarrassing, youhave to say it.
(38:43):
Yep, now, the Jennifer today,you know, would take that
situation very differently thanthe Jennifer at 20.
Right, I'm not going topublicly say what would happen
now.
Speaker 1 (38:58):
Right but Stay under the radar.
Speaker 2 (39:02):
It will look a lot different than it did 27 years
ago.
Absolutely, I was even scaredit might.
Honestly, if my mom everlistens to this, she's probably
going to be shattered because Ihave never said that to her
Right, but you know what I feellike most people can relate to
that in some way, shape or form,sadly, I know I can.
Speaker 1 (39:22):
Yeah, florida State for you, florida State, same I
mean.
But we're even in relationships, like when you're in a
relationship and I'm just goingto throw it out there and you're
not feeling it.
Speaker 2 (39:37):
I just have to hold your hand for just a second, and
you do it anyway.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
That's the same stuff .
It affects us internally thesame way.
If you're in a relationship andyou're not intimately attracted
to that person and you're beingsexual with them, anyway, it's
the same thing.
It's the same thing.
It's the same thing and I hateto burst the bubble on that, but
(40:03):
I think a lot of people need tohear it.
I love you.
Speaker 2 (40:07):
I love you too, and thank you for sharing that
because this is the raw truthsof life.
Speaker 1 (40:13):
This is the rawness, and the intent for this is
because we can all relate to itin some way, shape or form,
whether it's something verytraumatic or something just like
I described, like lack ofintimacy in your own marriage or
with your spouse or yourpartner and you're just doing it
anyway.
Those are the lies and, I think, some of the biggest lies as
(40:37):
adults we tell ourselves.
Speaker 2 (40:38):
I agree and I think some of the biggest lies as
adults we tell ourselves.
Speaker 1 (40:40):
I agree that we're okay, it's okay and we're fine,
everything's fine, and weproject and we pretend.
And the world of social mediais just a whole other.
Speaker 2 (40:49):
That's a whole other thing too.
Speaker 1 (40:51):
It's a whole other thing.
It's like we have this pseudosociety that we're pretending
and this ability to pretend andI just don't want to do that.
Speaker 2 (41:01):
I'm not doing it anymore.
No, good for you, and we've alldone it.
I'm not doing it either.
Speaker 1 (41:05):
No, no, I mean, what you see is what you get, yeah,
what you see is what you get,yeah, and I love that.
Yeah, me too.
And thank you.
I mean that's.
You know it's deep stuff and Iappreciate you sharing your
heart and your experiences,because we can always edit it
out if you want to A little hot.
Speaker 2 (41:22):
Is there whiskey under this table anywhere?
Speaker 1 (41:27):
But I think that so many people will take a pause
and step back and hopefullywrite their list.
Speaker 2 (41:36):
I hope that they write their list.
Speaker 1 (41:38):
I hope that they write their list.
So, if you're listening, yourhomework and I'm going to do
this again.
I've done it before, but I'mdoing it again because I might
have more at this point in time.
Oh yeah, you know I might havesome creep up that I don't even
like.
Oh, I love driving to school inthe morning, whatever it is in
the morning, whatever it is.
(41:59):
Yes, I love Disney World.
Yeah, do it for the kids.
Okay For the kids, but writeyour list.
What is the story you'retelling yourself?
Speaker 2 (42:10):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
And what is reality?
Huge, because that was a hugething for me and I used to even
Matt.
And I joke we're like, well,the story I'm telling myself is
it?
It's totally been Matt.
And I joke we're like, well,the story I'm telling myself is
it's like a whole Brene.
Brown thing.
Yes, because, it's true.
It's like you know he can havea day or whatever, and I'm like
well, the story I'm tellingmyself is you don't want to be
around me right now.
Blah, blah, blah and it's likewell, that's not it at all.
He just needs his own space andso just owning that and
(42:36):
respecting that for other peopletoo, Like if someone says no,
accept it.
Speaker 2 (42:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:41):
As a full sentence.
It's not always just one way,like be able to receive it too.
And that's been the big, that'sa big hurdle.
That is a big hurdle, you cangive it, give it, give it.
But being in a place to be ableto receive it is a whole
different ballgame, and I've hadto really work to be there.
Because what do you have to do?
You have to like you saidearlier when you talk about your
kids you have to release yourego.
(43:01):
You have to release thatlistening to respond and react.
You have to actively listen andhear their heart like that
nonviolent communication.
Have you read that book?
So good and you will love it itteaches you to really take a
step back and, instead ofobserving and labeling what the
other person is talking about inthe conversation, what is
bringing alive inside of me?
(43:22):
Yes, like what do I need fromthis?
I mean it's been life-changingfor me.
I'm going to read that.
Oh, it's so good.
I listened to it and I wrote it.
I have notes all in it.
I scribbled all in it.
I love his voice too.
He has a really soft voice.
Speaker 2 (43:34):
There's about the needing space, and this was a
lie that I was telling myself.
I think this is really funny,especially women thinking that
just because somebody needsspace, like, oh my gosh, what is
it about me?
Do you not want to be around me, do you not this?
Do you not love me, do you?
love me any less.
One of my things now that I hadto be really clear on is that I
need more alone time thanprobably any three people that I
(43:58):
know, and until I was able tosay that out loud and identify
that that's what I needed.
And I've only really kind ofhung out with one person since
my divorce, but I've listened toa lot of people talking and
I've had friends that I go andhave dinner with, but like the
(44:18):
other night when I didn't wantto be there.
But until I was able to getreally clear that that's what I
need and my needs are just asimportant as anybody else's
needs in any kind ofrelationship business or
personal I was always in thesespaces where I was uncomfortable
, and then I would go home and Iwould be mad and frustrated
(44:39):
because I allowed myself to bein this space where I was
uncomfortable, and then I wouldgo home and I would be mad and
frustrated because I allowedmyself to be in this space or I
let somebody hey, I want to.
You know, can I come over andsee you?
Oh, yeah, of course, Come onNow.
I'm like, uh, no, you know, I'mnot ready for it today and I
just need some quiet time.
It's like uh, can we go tolunch today?
No, how about in four weeks?
(45:00):
In four weeks, are you serious?
You want to?
Speaker 1 (45:03):
put four weeks.
Speaker 2 (45:06):
Right, but what's wrong with that?
Nothing.
So now, moving forward in mylife, as I'm maybe contemplating
possibly dating again, whichI'm not sure about yet but I say
that I need alone time and Ineed that honored.
I don't want somebody living inmy house.
If I'm completely transparent,if and when I decide to date
again, I need that person tohave their own home.
(45:28):
Yeah, I don't want tocohabitate, um and I.
When I go home, I want to beleft alone, right, and I also
don't want to go.
Oh well, I'm doing this and I'mdoing this and I'm doing this
today, right?
Anyway, it's just, that's awhole other.
No, I love it.
I had to identify that.
That's what I needed.
I feel like we need to do a sexand relationships podcast.
Speaker 1 (45:49):
We're going to schedule that for when I get
back from Peru.
Speaker 2 (45:50):
We have to schedule that.
Let's do that, Because that'sgoing to too Very deep.
Speaker 1 (45:57):
And that's just it and when you know, I feel like
it's so interesting.
Our relationship has evolved inso many different ways myself
and Matt, my husband, when westarted honoring each other's
space and acknowledging thatit's okay to need space.
Yeah, you take that Well.
At first, we both had to startowning our shit, which means
(46:18):
what you have to face, what yourcodependencies are Right and
everyone has them.
Write your lies down to yourselfIf you don't if you feel like
you, don't have a codependencyof some sort and it's attachment
Right and, and in the healingjourney I've learned healthy
detachment and how freeing thatis, like you were saying for
your kids, like it is, likethey're not my kids.
(46:39):
You know, I was blessed enoughto just birth these beautiful
souls into the world.
They're not mine anymore thanthat vase over there is, but I'm
responsible for nurturing theirspirits.
So when you think of it thatway, it makes parenting a hell
of a lot more pressure.
So when you think of it thatway, it makes parenting a hell
(46:59):
of a lot more pressure.
I mean it kind of does, itreally does.
But it's also more of an honor,because what do you get?
You get like a chance atreparenting.
It's been reparenting myself.
It's been, which is huge, right?
Not parenting in myrelationship with my spouse,
which is huge, which is hugeBecause what do we?
do it, which is huge, becausewhat do we do?
It's like, oh well, youshouldn't wear this, you
shouldn't wear this.
You're not a mom, like what arewe doing to each other?
(47:22):
But it goes down to toounderstanding.
Just because you weren'tmodeled that behavior doesn't
mean you can't change it.
And it's hard to break,especially if your parents are
still living and they're stilldigging in and you know all the
things and it just it comes fromall different pressures of
society too, and as it isrelationships, you know, to what
(47:43):
you just said about tellingsomebody, like your partner,
about why you're wearing thisand don't wear this and don't do
that.
Speaker 2 (47:49):
that talking about, I mean I'm not going to get on
the whole masculine like malemasculine.
I mean I love masculine men,but for me, I have identified
what masculinity to me lookslike and what makes me feel safe
.
If somebody grabs me by the armand tells me to come here, I'm
(48:11):
probably going to injure thatperson extremely like as best as
I can it would be.
That's a hard fucking no, goingabout your business and we'll
talk later or we won't, right?
But masculine to me is someonethat can cry and that talks to
me and that doesn't talk at me,right, and that is strong and
(48:33):
like.
I mean for me, honestly, takethe fucking garbage out, because
I don't want to do it.
Right, I have no problem withthat whole thing.
Yeah, I need something built,that's I don't.
I don't even like to puttogether, I don't like to do
things with like screws anddrills and overstimulating.
Speaker 1 (48:48):
I don't like it.
It is overstimulating.
I opened a package.
I'm like, oh, I have an amazonthing that's been sitting in my
living room.
Speaker 2 (48:55):
I'm just gonna ship it back.
I told bod Bodie I'm like boxit up.
He said I'll put it together.
I'm like nope, I'm tired oflooking at it.
I'm sending it back, but it'sjust funny.
Again, it's like owning yourshit, like identifying what it
is that you appreciate in yourperson, male or female, and if
you fell in love with thatperson as they were, if you fell
(49:22):
in love with that person asthey were, stop.
You're not their mom, you'renot their dad.
Let them be.
Let them be masculine, let thembe feminine.
Bring out those qualities thatyou love and, to your point
earlier, identify in you what itbrings up.
What it brings up.
Yeah, because if you're tellingsomebody else to whatever go,
oh shit.
This is an opportunity for meto look at myself Right, instead
(49:45):
of pointing the finger at them.
Speaker 1 (49:47):
And guess what, when I started to do that, everything
started to shift Right.
Speaker 2 (49:51):
I remember the conversations you remember, like
you were with us through someof this like big ones.
Speaker 1 (49:57):
But also he had to decide to do it for himself too.
It would not have worked if itwere just me.
No, it never does.
He chose to be like I think Ineed to look at my own shit too.
Yeah, and I think I know, and Ithink I'm going to cry and I
think I need to do somethingelse too.
Yeah, and it's constant.
(50:18):
I mean, we had a heart-to-heartlast night.
It's a busy life Prioritizing,prioritizing, prioritizing each
other and prioritizing ourselves, because we can only give so
much.
You can't pour from an emptycup.
That's like old time sayingit's so true, you can't, true,
you can't.
So we both he and I both needalone time.
(50:40):
We need our solitude time.
I know like I have to take sometime for myself before I come
home, and in the door we have afour and a half year old.
He needs mom and he deservesmom when I walk into that door.
So I try to get everything donebefore I get there, so I'm not
the mom on my phone or you know.
I have to prioritize thosethings and I know when Matt
walks in the door he's got a lot, a lot of life gone on prior to
(51:02):
walking in the door.
He needs that walk in the yardwhen he gets home.
Speaker 2 (51:05):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (51:06):
So, you know, keeping Brody busy and doing crafts and
just honoring that space foreach other, right, and I think,
in relationships breaking thosecodependent patterns of always
needing each other or checkingin on each other all the time.
And there's nothing wrong withI love you and you know, having
conversations, but there's adifference when it's coming from
a place of codependency andattachment and genuine love,
(51:27):
care and concern A hundredpercent.
And it's been a huge growthprocess and it still is.
You know, things come up, newopportunities arise.
I mean, I just went to freakingItaly for 10 days all by myself
, which is amazing.
Speaker 2 (51:41):
Which is amazing.
Speaker 1 (51:41):
I mean it came back to freaking hurricanes and
pneumonia and whatever.
But if you would have told mesix years ago that that was
going to happen, I would havebeen like you're a failure.
Speaker 2 (51:50):
There's no way.
Speaker 1 (51:51):
Because we were still in a codependency circle with
each other.
Speaker 2 (51:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (51:55):
And we just didn't know.
We didn't know any better.
It's like you do the best youcan with the tools that you have
.
We did the best we could withthe tools we have.
And it makes me look back nowand there were times where I
would just cycle through.
And it's like, you know, wealways tried our best and if you
can look at life that way andthen it's happening for you.
(52:16):
I say it all the time.
I probably said it on everysingle freaking podcast I've
ever filmed, but it's so.
I say it all the time, becauseit's so true, and if you feel
like it's not, what is thatbringing up inside you?
Speaker 2 (52:28):
Somebody asked me yesterday how often do you check
in with yourself, like, howoften do you go through these
processes that you're talkingabout or teaching, and I say how
often do you do your books as abusiness client?
How often do you do your books?
Do you close out every month?
(52:48):
Do you close out every quarter?
And he said, well, we close outevery month, but I don't
typically look at them until theend of the quarter.
So I said you look at yourbooks every quarter.
Yes, do you look at your life,your personal life, every
quarter?
And he said no, why?
(53:08):
Why don't you do that?
And then you say, well, wait aminute.
I asked you the question and Isaid you're right, but there's
the answer.
I do mine honestly, just like Ido my taxes.
Yeah, every quarter I take aminute, which is probably about
a day, half a day, and I checkin with myself.
I go back and I look at theselists, I go back and I add to
(53:29):
them and I check in with wheream I?
Where am I going?
What's important to me rightnow?
What's rocking me?
Where do I need some help?
Do I need outside help?
Do I need just what do I needand what am I doing?
So I'm going to ask you thatquestion too.
All right, how often do you?
(53:49):
How often now are you checkingin with yourself and then also
you two collectively, as acouple?
How often are you doing that?
Speaker 1 (54:00):
I would say for me, I'm seasonal, so I would say
about quarterly, because I feellike I change with the season.
So it's like what do I need inthis season?
I feel like I'm like an earthgirl, like that the moon.
I will say I'm a big full moon,like what do I need to release?
Yeah and new moons?
What do I need to release?
Yeah and new moons?
What do I need?
What do I need right now?
(54:20):
So honestly, probably monthlyin that realm, as far as deep
dive into, where am I going?
Where is this all taking me?
I think that recently, I guessthe past year, since I started
the whole crystal clear in thepodcast, I've kind of just left
it open.
I'm open to whatever is coming.
I'm just going to let it flowbecause I feel like I got into
(54:42):
and I have a tendency to be likevery, I'm going all in, but you
can all in yourself too much,and it's like you're not
creating space for opportunitiesto come in.
So I feel like, for that,that's where that's come from
and, as far as Matt and I andour relationship goes, that's
something like we're going toPeru next week and that's
(55:05):
something that we both need tocheck in.
Like we need to check in, yeah,and I would say we probably do
that twice a year when we traveltogether.
Yeah, and, but it could be morein-depth.
Yes, you know, and again itconstantly evolves Like where do
we want?
It's not just the surface levelstuff either, like where are we
(55:26):
traveling and what are we doingnext?
It's like no, it's like whatare we going to invest our time
and our money in for the nextyear?
And you know, he just actuallyposed a point to like I think
you should invest in yourpodcast more and have someone
else put it out there for you.
It's social media wise, right.
I'm like let me go to Italy andsit on it.
Speaker 2 (55:46):
I think that's a good idea too, because I don't know
if I want to do that.
Speaker 1 (55:49):
And I came back and I'm like let's do it.
And so they're doing it.
Good, and at first I was likereading I can't do that, I have
to set boundaries for myself, topost and ghost and let it go.
Yeah, because what's being putout there is meant for other
people, it's not meant for me,it's not something that and I
think that we get caught up inthat with society.
It's like it's an ego thing.
(56:10):
Our egos get fed.
Have you read the fouragreements?
Like, don't take anythingpersonally the good or the bad.
Because what?
Because what does that do?
It's like it feeds your falsesense of self.
So for Matt and I to get backto your question, I think that
we check it and it's a bitdifferent sometimes.
We like to take long walkstogether.
(56:32):
That's like our new date thingis, we take long walks and we'll
have good conversations andreally hearing him and listening
to where he's at in his journeyand him listening to where I am
and then kind of like okay,well, it's great that we have
these individual journeys, buthow are they going to merge?
Like where?
do we want this to go togetherBecause, yes, it's an individual
journey, but you also it canget too separate if you allow it
(56:55):
to.
So that's why we were kind oflike we need this trip, we need
to take this time to reevaluate,like, what do we want to do
next year, or this year, orright now, or you know, and just
kind of take the steps fromthere, because it also has to
kind of have a path, so did youask that question?
Speaker 2 (57:13):
Was that that?
Were those the questions onyour last walk that you guys are
going to explore when you're onyour trip?
Yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1 (57:20):
Well, not last walk, but we've kind of over time.
Yeah, Just like, what do wewant to do?
There's beach properties thatare freaking going for a steal
right now.
Do we want to be super braveand snatch one up and have some
sort of fun investment property,or is that freaking crazy?
And I'm like I think I need alittle while to come off these
disaster grant photos to getthere, but it could be something
(57:44):
fun and nothing that's been inour path so far.
So also being open to we'reboth kind of impulsive like that
.
Speaker 2 (57:50):
Like oh, I want to do this.
Speaker 1 (57:51):
And it's like hold on .
Sometimes we have to take astep back and allow each other
to process through it, andthat's been a learning curve too
, is being like I'm going tohonor your thoughts and your
ambition and your impulsivityand let you talk, without being
like I don't think so, and justallowing that space for each
other and then like how could wemake this work?
Do we want this to work?
(58:12):
Could it work?
Speaker 2 (58:13):
What I think is the most important, too, is that
when you ask each other thosequestions, is that you hold each
other accountable because Ihave to do this too is coming up
with the answer Right.
So when I ask a question tomyself and I was, and I wrote
that down about what are youowning right now and is I have a
handful of questions that I'veasked on, this is primarily
pertaining to business, becauseI've already shelved, I'm not
(58:36):
dating, right, so I've got thatthere.
That's under control.
Because I've already shelved,I'm not dating, so I've got that
there.
That's under control.
But for business wise, I haveasked myself these questions and
, just like with you and Matt,you've asked yourself these
questions and now, if you leavethem open, then they just sit
there and then something elsehappens and then you get more
questions that come about thatnever get answered, and then
(58:58):
your list compounds and then,all of a sudden, you're in this
like tailspin.
So I think the most importantand I'm really excited for when
you get back from Peru to comeup with these answers, and maybe
that's something that we canshare with each other, because I
have some questions that I'mgoing to come up with actually
this weekend when I go to Mexicoand that's my airplane is I'm
(59:20):
going to come up with actuallythis weekend when I go to Mexico
and that's my airplane I'manswering it's like seven
questions pertaining to mybusiness that I will have
answered.
I put a time frame on them formyself.
I need them answered by.
Wednesday.
I love that and for me thatreally helps me with owning my
shit, because I asked thequestion.
Speaker 1 (59:45):
I put a timeline on the answer and I answer it Right
, so you have to answer it.
I love that and that would begood for me, because sometimes
I'm a little flighty like that.
And one thing we've actuallypopped in when you were
explaining that one thing we'vestarted doing annually is
writing down.
You know, is there somewhere wewant to go?
Speaker 2 (01:00:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:00:00):
Is there things we want to do around the house?
Is there like and we just writesome kind of like a wish list?
Almost of things that we wantto get accomplished and then
it's like, but what's?
Let's prioritize them, likewhat is doable.
What's like?
Last year we wanted to take thekids to Europe where you'd
never been, which is Switzerland, and you know just little
things.
That, because if you don'tprioritize them, you don't write
(01:00:21):
them down then, it's not goingto get done, and if you don't
budget for them, you don't planfor them, then it becomes a
whole other.
Like you know, it's just so.
We've started doing that justthe past couple of years and
that's been really helpful.
So, but that's the externalstuff.
I feel like it's great to domore of the internal stuff, like
what do we personally need moreof which is?
Speaker 2 (01:00:44):
the most important Right.
Speaker 1 (01:00:45):
And that's where the intimacy comes in.
I put it on my calendar too?
Speaker 2 (01:00:49):
Do you put it on your calendar, yet Sometimes in?
Speaker 1 (01:00:51):
my phone.
I'll put in.
You know like I need to getsuch and such done by a certain
date yeah get such and such doneby a certain date.
Speaker 2 (01:00:57):
Yeah, I'll put a deep dive in my calendar.
If I really need to, if Ireally need to prioritize some
quiet time, I will put it in my.
I mean, you put your dentistappointment in the calendar.
Why not put your?
This is what I ask myself.
Why not put these times whenyou need to have some deep dive,
clarity and some conversationswith yourself and your spirits
(01:01:19):
and your gods and whoever you,whatever you believe in, like
schedule that?
Speaker 1 (01:01:23):
shit.
Speaker 2 (01:01:23):
I try to do it on.
Speaker 1 (01:01:23):
Mondays yeah, I do.
I do Monday's like my day.
Everyone's going back to workand I'm like I'm like a
hairstylist, like I need Mondayoff, like I need Monday time, I
need to do my yoga, I need totake a long walk, I need to
decompress from the weekend.
I really try to prioritize myMondays as, yes, I'm still
working a remote, I can stillchime in, but I set parameters
(01:01:44):
around myself.
From 7.30 to 10 o'clock, that'smy time.
Nothing else comes into thattime other than dropping the
kids off, and that's my time.
I don't schedule me, I block mycalendar.
So that's kind of my way ofdecompressing from the weekend
and knowing I'm getting my mindready for the week.
Speaker 2 (01:02:02):
So I think that's that should be our listeners, or
your listeners also theirhomework.
Yeah, is the this week rightnow?
Yeah, get your calendar out,yep.
Pick some time through the weekand carve out two or three
hours Yep by yourself.
What do you need?
Work some shit out and what doyou need in that time.
Speaker 1 (01:02:20):
What do you need?
Is it quiet?
Is it dancing, Is it cooking?
Is it nothing Like?
Speaker 2 (01:02:27):
whatever that looks like.
Is it sex?
Is it a tramp?
Is it solo?
Is it whatever?
Yeah, is it snuggles?
Right?
You need to go eat some popcorn.
Right, what some popcorn?
I mean, let's just talk aboutall the real things.
Snuggling donkeys right, jenhas a donkey yes, there's humor
behind that.
Speaker 1 (01:02:46):
And chickens I've snuggled her chickens.
Yeah, oh, good times, so good.
I love that.
I think that's a good note.
I think that's a good note towrap it up like what write down,
what do you need?
And we're gonna do that andwe're gonna podcast again.
We have a sex and relationshipspodcast coming up.
Speaker 2 (01:03:02):
So stay tuned.
Speaker 1 (01:03:04):
A whole other version of Crystal is going to be out
there.
Are you ready?
But it makes it so much fun,we'll put parameters on it.
Yeah, whatever.
Speaker 2 (01:03:13):
Maybe we won't, who cares?
Speaker 1 (01:03:15):
Maybe we won't, maybe we won't, who knows?
Stay tuned.
Awesome.
Thank you, jen.
So much for being here andsharing your heart and sharing
this space with me.
I love you, I adore you and I'mexcited for this again, thank
you.
I feel like we need like around table.
We need to bring Lauren in.
We need to do this again.
It'd be so fun.
Speaker 2 (01:03:30):
It would yes to that.
That's happening.
That's happening Awesome.
I love you, love you.
Speaker 1 (01:03:34):
Signing off.
Hello everyone and welcome to this episode of
Crystal Clear.
I have the gorgeous, wonderfulsoul sister of mine, ms Jen
Smith, who is a hell ofabusiness executive coach and
life coach and honestly she'slike one of the people in my
journey that really like taughtme to own my shit and get me out
(00:22):
of my ruts and also gives thebest hugs ever.
So welcome Jen.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
That was nice.
I'll own that.
Thank you for that.
I love giving hugs, especiallyto you.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
You do the best hugs.
But we've done a number ofretreats now and the first one
was four years ago which is hardto believe and it was with my
YPO group, the spouse forum ofexecutive husbands, and you
essentially came in and I'llnever forget, like I was telling
you all this stuff about myhusband and you're like, well,
(00:58):
what's your fucking story?
Like okay, your husband soundsgreat, or whatever you guys are
going through, like okay, yourhusband sounds great, or
whatever you guys are goingthrough, what's your fucking
story?
And I'm like what is my story?
And it all kind of unfoldedfrom there.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
It did so.
Thank you for that.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Because that was kind of the like you know how you
fall off the swing set whenyou're a kid.
You like really fly far off theswing set.
You fall and you're like thewind gets knocked out of you,
but you get up and you're likeokay, like the adrenaline kicked
in, like I'm ready to go now.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Yeah, that's what it did for me.
That's amazing.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
That was such a fun group.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
It was really fun.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
We're very diverse Exploring.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Yeah, oh my gosh, did we explore in?
Speaker 1 (01:36):
that we're a diverse group yeah, you are Very, very
different and have some ebbs andflows, but yeah, yeah, it was
wonderful, it was wonderful.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
And now we have evolved, we have evolved, you
have evolved.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
I have evolved.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Very much so.
We've both evolved, we've bothevolved and we're sitting here.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
We are, and we actually come from the same
similar little place inTallahassee.
I know A little outside.
So we're a little Tallahasseelassies at heart, but barefoot
now in Sarasota.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
Love it.
Yeah, me too.
I love every second of it.
Oh gosh, yes, Country beachbest of both worlds.
Best of both worlds, all ofthese energetic souls here in
Sarasota with this magicaluniverse that we live in.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Yes, absolutely so.
Tell us a little bit.
How would you like to.
I had my own description of you.
Yeah, Tell us a little bitabout yourself.
Where are you now?
Speaker 2 (02:30):
know that I wanted to do that until I was presented
the opportunity over the lastcouple of years to see and work
with these different leaders, Istill have my own personal
(02:53):
clients and those clients rangefrom business owners to moms
that are getting into business.
I definitely work with leaderswho want to lead and want to
serve and have a leadershipmentality.
So between that executivecoaching and I'm doing business
(03:13):
development, which I've beendoing since I closed Leloo,
which is sweet and sour at thesame time, but it's led me here
and I just absolutely love whatI'm doing and I love the people
that I'm working with and I'mreally happy.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Good and I'm excited.
I feel like we've had our ebbsand flows and 911 calls and girl
chats and all the things foreach other.
It's like one thing turns intoa street of you telling me to
own my shit and then it's like,well, you know what, I'm going
to help you own yours too.
We're going to get through this.
I love it.
I love how these relationshipsstart off and how they transpire
and we did.
(03:54):
I watched you speak at Bluebird, an event.
What was it last summer?
I feel like time is flying by.
I have no concept of time.
Me either, and you reallytalked about and it was a big
group of women for those whoaren't familiar and you really
spoke a lot about, like, how yougot to where you are now,
Because you know.
Share a little bit about that,if you're open to it.
(04:15):
Like where, where were yourbiggest pivots, what were your
biggest like?
You know what?
I need to shake this up.
This just isn't for me.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
I think the most relevant one pertaining to this
subject is my divorce.
It's not something that I talkabout a lot, but when I do talk
about it, I talk about it indetail, and going through that
divorce was one of the mostground shattering events of my
entire life.
(04:42):
To your topic of owning yourshit, I had to look at myself
and every aspect of my lifebecause I knew that I had had a
hand in where we were Right andI couldn't move forward until I
figured out the whys and what Idid and how I could do it
(05:05):
differently, because I knew thatI didn't want to repeat all of
those patterns again.
And so in that moment where weseparated, I decided I can sit
in it or I can figure out why,and a country girl from the
South who has a farmer'sdaughter get your shit together,
(05:30):
you get after it, pull up yourbootstraps and keep going.
If you want it done, right, doit yourself mentality that
wasn't serving me anymore.
I needed help, right, I neededa lot of help.
So I started going intodifferent places and I went to
the bottom of the barrel.
I hit bottom and, talking abouta pivot again, I could sit in
all of that misery or I couldfigure out what to do with it
(05:53):
next.
So that was a huge pivot.
And then I subsequently movedout of a house of seven to a
house of one, closed my brickand mortar business started a
new business, got divorced,covid, co-parenting I mean co
-parenting Whole differentanimal.
(06:15):
That's a whole different animal.
Yeah, so that was a big pivotin my life and what I found out
is that I'm a really fuckingawesome person.
I just had to get rid of somepretty old patterns and
behaviors that weren't servingme anymore and I had to face
them and I had to be honestabout them and I had to look
(06:37):
them in the mirror and decide ifI was going to take them with
me or leave them in that barrelthat I was floating in.
And I would say 90% of them Ileft in that barrel.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
I love it.
And how long do you feel likethat journey, that particular
journey of facing it, owning it?
I mean, I for me, I feel likeit's continuous.
Yes, I feel like sometimes I'mswirling in my barrel, like
sometimes I'm out, I'd peek myhead out, sometimes I pop back
in.
So how long do you feel?
Because I know a lot of peopleare like sometimes I'm swirling
in my barrel, like sometimes I'mout, I peek my head out,
sometimes I pop back in.
So how long do you feel?
Because I know a lot of peopleare like I want a quick fix,
(07:09):
Everything's going to be fine ifI do these two things.
And I'm like, eh, and even whenyou do all the work, like what
does it take?
Like the recent stuff we weretalking about before we got on
air here, like all it takes is a, a hurricane or two or some
destruction and neurologicallyin our brain that looks like
warfare.
So we all become survivorsagain, no matter how much trauma
(07:33):
healing we've had.
It puts us back in that fight,flight, fear, fawn.
What the fuck am I doing?
Speaker 2 (07:38):
stage.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
And so it's continuous, and I think that
that's something that I express.
A lot is like healing is notlinear.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
No, it is not.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
It's continuous growth, because what I've found
for myself is I've gotten out ofa lot of my patterns but then I
create new patterns of somesort.
But sometimes I feel like I'mkind of getting in that phase
now Some stuff just gets stale,like whether it's the same talk
therapist or the same workoutroutine or the same just I am a
person that needs to shakethings up Like I can't be, doing
(08:08):
one thing all the time.
I'm not built that way.
I've never been built that way.
Very much like you, I'm a ifyou want it done right, do it
yourself, push it aside and workthrough it.
I can't do that because thenwhat happens?
It shows up nasty for me Alwaysand it never works.
It never works.
But I think that our society,all this masculine energy that
(08:30):
we're surrounded by, kind ofcreates that, because I feel
like I have more of a tendencyto lean towards more on the
masculine energy side than thefeminine sometimes, which I'm
really trying to tap more intothe feminine.
But like society, we you knowwhen you see this, I'm sure, in
business development.
So how have you found yourbalance with that?
Speaker 2 (08:48):
Okay, so that's a big one.
I'm going to answer.
You had one question and thatwas how long did it take me?
Because I think that'simportant, yeah, when I was in
the real thick of it and Iprioritized it and that's a key
word, Right, I prioritized thatand I wanted to go after it and
I will say I do not advise thisto anybody, okay.
So I'm going to note this is anadvisory warning.
(09:11):
I don't advise this.
I went after everything,everything, and I'm talking
about different things in mychildhood, different things with
my dad, different things withmy second dad, different things
in my life growing up.
I mean, I went after all of itat the same time.
I went after everything thatwas happening with my divorce,
what got me there.
I went after the guilt, theshame, all of that, and I went
(09:34):
after it at one time, with manydifferent modalities, and it was
horrific.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
I can relate.
I did the same I can relate.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
I did the same, but how long did that take me?
A solid three years and Iturned 40.
So there was all of this otheremotional stuff going on when a
woman gets into her early 40sthat I was also going through,
right where something would comeup.
Do you know that episode inForrest Gump where Lieutenant
(10:05):
Dan is on the sailboat, yeah,and he looks up at the heavens
and he says is that all you'vegot?
Bring it on?
Yeah, that's me, everythingthat came up.
If it wasn't just ripping me topieces, I'm like is that it?
What the fuck else?
Because bring it Right Again.
(10:28):
That was a solid, I would say,two to three years, yeah, but it
has been an ongoing process.
But I will tell you thatbecause I chose to do that.
When I got on the other side ofit and I finally was able to
look myself in the mirror andI'm talking about, I dissected
the lies, the deceit and Ilooked everything in the face
from my previous 40 years, Ihave been so peaceful.
(10:52):
I'm at a place in my life whereI can look at you with 100%
certainty and tell you I'm atpeace, you, the gods, the
president, your best friend, myexes I can't get rattled.
(11:14):
I get irritated I get frustrated, but I'm able to work through
it a lot better than I've everbeen in my life, and sometimes I
have to pinch myself and I go.
Is this possible?
And then to your next point isit's always ongoing, though
those other patterns and thoseother things that come up, I
take the time to go stop.
(11:35):
Like you said earlier, I'mlearning how to just not, I just
don't.
I lock the gate at my countryhouse and I sit behind that gate
on my property and I process it, whether it's 10 minutes or 10
hours, and then I'm done, right.
And then I come out the gateand I'm fine, right, I'm good.
And then, anyway, to the nextquestion about balance of.
(11:57):
I love the topic about masculineand feminine energy because
when it when it comes to owningyour shit, both of those
energies have different pathwaysto get to owning your shit, and
I've navigated between both ofthem and I think that as women,
especially when women figure outhow to navigate between the
masculine and the feminine, thatis when we become the most
(12:20):
powerful universal being thatyou're ever going to become
Right, like unapologetically,unapologetically amazing.
Yeah, and I guess it goes backto that same statement is that
when something comes up.
I have to prioritize the timeto work through it, right?
(12:41):
I had a conversation with afriend at dinner on Tuesday and
on the way there somethinghappened.
And when we sat down togetherhe said to me wow, what's going
on with you, what's happening?
And I'm like you know,something just came up and I
have to work through it, likeI'm processing right now, and I
said you know what?
I don't want to be here.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
I got to go, yeah, and I got up and left, yeah, and
that's okay, that's okay, andI'm sure he didn't care, not at
all.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
And if he did.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
I don't give a fuck, Right, I love it.
Well, and that's more of whatwe need and I think that's my
whole point of doing thispodcast is giving people
different perspectives.
To give them permission, right,because everyone's lens is
different.
Everyone has a differentchildhood, everyone has a
different background, everyonehas a different reality.
You can have a family of sixpeople and every single person
(13:34):
has a totally differentperspective of mom, dad,
siblings, everything which Ithink is fascinating, but it
really boils down to ownershipand taking responsibility for
like.
If you would have muscledthrough that dinner, you would
have not been present.
You would right, you would havenot enjoyed your food.
It would have been.
You probably weren't evenhungry at that point, but you
(13:56):
took the time for yourself andthat's something I'm realizing
is just so necessary, and I hada conversation about this last
night.
Life catches up and there's alot of it, but you have to set
boundaries.
I have to set boundaries onmyself and just being like you
know what, nope, I can't and notexplaining myself that's one
(14:20):
thing I've really tapped into islike no, I can't go without
saying because like it's no, no,no one gives a shit, nope, no
one cares why you can't go Right, like when someone and I
realized that when I have likeand I love them, but I have some
friends that are overexplainers, yeah, and every time
I'm like that's a traumaresponse to stop, this is a
(14:40):
wrong person, no one cares, noone cares at all, and they're
always like I love you, thankyou, and I'm like, seriously,
because when you get into the,just say no, because that's
powerful Period, like knowingthat no is a full sentence.
When someone told me that itmay have even been you, I don't
even remember I was like no shit.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
It is, it so is.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
It's different when your teenagers are giving it
back to you.
That's a little bit, but it's,but it's also respecting that.
No is a complete sentence.
For them too.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
It depends on the eye rolls and the tone of voice and
everything else, but there'snothing else that comes with it
when my son says no to me, he'lllook at me and he'll give me a
look that I used to give mymother, that I still give people
, and now I'm seeing it's likelooking myself in the mirror and
he'll go no, and he'll look atme as if he's waiting for
(15:34):
something so that he can respondto it.
And then I go, okay, you'reright.
No, because anything that comesafter that statement is a
reaction.
I don't really give a fuckabout right, and it's either I'm
provoking something, um, or I'mwanting to start something, or
(15:56):
protecting an ego or a powerparental.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
I mean, we came from that generation of you know,
because I said so, the it's likereally, that's not a thing,
like it's really.
I mean, I understand respectand you know it is a thing, but
like I have never.
I strive to be that parent.
That's never a because I saidso, Right, or or I'm going to go
(16:19):
do all this shit, but because Itell you not to do it.
You're not supposed to do it.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
That's a whole other podcast.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
That's a whole other thing.
That's a whole series of apodcast.
That's a whole Southern thing.
But that's been a bigtransition for us because that's
like Matt and I have had someextreme life changes when our
kids became adolescents.
Because I don't want to be thatparent, you know, I want them
to explore and do all the thingsthat we did and I want to be
the only one to pick them up.
You know I want to be the onlyone to be like.
You know what that sucks,doesn't it Like?
(16:44):
That doesn't taste real goodcoming back up or whatever it is
that they're doing.
Good kid, so far, Knock on wood.
Yes, but, and just being inthose moments of you know what I
want you to explore life, andI'm going to love you
unconditionally through itbecause I don't know if I really
, because I don't know if Ireally.
I mean, I received it, but Ithink I also tested a lot of
(17:07):
boundaries, which everyone does.
So how do you navigate thatwith your kids?
Because you have bonus children, you have biological children,
so what has been your biggestkind of pivot in parenting when
it comes to this Like settingboundaries, like we talked about
, and you mentioning your son,saying no?
(17:28):
So how do you not not react tothat, having the background of
because I feel like most of ourgeneration does, it's like
children should be seen and notheard, and because I said so,
and because they're an adult,you listen to what they say and
it's like they're not making anyfucking sense.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
You know, whenever I decided and that's it.
Whenever I decided that I wasgoing to be a mother and not a
daughter anymore was anotherearth shattering moment for me
in my life.
Because my mom was challengingme on some beliefs at the time
(18:05):
and I said to her, respectfullyit's my turn now.
I'm a mom and I have thesevalues and I have things that
are important to me and they'redifferent than yours, and I
respect that and I honor that.
But I'm the mom now and this ismy son and these are the values
(18:26):
that I want to instill in him.
And if you can respect that,then it's always going to be
open doors and we're going to beon the same island together.
But if you can't, then we'regoing to have to make some
shifts.
And in that moment it set mefree, because I knew that I was
going to be able to be authenticin my parenting and I was going
to be able to set thoseboundaries and I was going to be
able to be authentic in myparenting.
And I was going to be able toset those boundaries and I was
(18:48):
going to be able to navigatebetween my bonus kids and my
child.
And we go through attachmentand releasing attachment and it
just came up right now that Isaid my son and it's an
interesting concept when we saythey're mine, right, they're my
kids and they're mine, well,he's his own.
(19:09):
I'm raising a man, I'm notraising a baby.
Right.
Same thing with my girls.
And you know and it's just sointeresting the dynamic.
And the first thing I want tosay is I had to release
attachment with my bonus kidsbecause they have a mother and a
father Right.
So when we divorced, that wasone of the most shocking
(19:32):
attachments that I had to workthrough, because I was so used
to having them with me and I wasso used to having that time
spent.
But I can't expect them to gobetween three homes.
That's not okay.
So I had to dig deep withinmyself, I had to be honest about
what my choice was and I had toown it.
(19:53):
This is what got me here.
This is the choice that I made,this is the choice that we've
made collectively, and now Ihave to figure out a new pattern
.
But as far as behavioral stuff,you know, one of the things that
I taught Bodhi whenever he waslittle was your teachers are not
always right.
Oh no, because he had a teacherthat he came home one afternoon
(20:14):
and he told me that one of histeachers was yelling at him and
he goes.
And I said how did that makeyou feel?
And he goes.
Honestly, I didn't like it.
I didn't like it, mom.
It kind of hurt my feelings alittle bit, and he said and then
I got mad, yeah, because it'sembarrassing, yeah, and I said
okay.
So we had this wholeconversation about your teachers
are not always right.
(20:34):
The adults in your life are notalways going to be right.
Guess who?
That always includes Right, meExactly.
And so it's interesting thedynamic of that lesson, because
now, at almost 14 years old, hewill say I disagree with you
Quite frankly.
I think you're wrong.
That kid has an exceptionalvocabulary too, by the way.
(20:57):
So when he does these big wordswith me.
He's like I think you're wrong,I am peace and serenity.
I am peace and serenity.
Okay, tell me what you got.
And then I have to check my ego, remove that old belief pattern
from many moons ago of I'mright, you're wrong, I'm the
(21:19):
parent, you're not, and listen,and actively listen, right, not
just looking out or beingirritated and trying to be sassy
.
I have to actively engage withhim.
Honestly, we're going to getinto a fight or hear his heart.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Yes, and I think that that's something that I know
for me, like once I started tolisten to my own heart it
allowed me to be able to listento other people's perspectives,
their opinions, their values and, just like you said, like going
into.
I want to go back to thatconversation with you and your
mom.
That's a perfect example andI've talked about this on
(21:57):
previous podcasts perfectexample of having an adult-adult
relationship with your parents.
I know so many people thatstill do not have adult adult
relationships with their parents.
They still allow their adultparents to parent them, then
parent their children, and itjust becomes this cycle of.
(22:18):
I mean it's a blessing now thatmy mom and I were like sisters
growing up and she was like mycrazy sister that went off and
did crazy things and came backand I was raised by my
grandparents.
But we've always kind of had anadult.
I always felt like the adult inthis situation anyway, but
we've always had that together.
But I've had to work with mygrandparents who raised me on
having that setting thoseboundaries of you know what?
(22:38):
I'm the parent now and that'sokay and I'm pretty fortunate
they interfere too much.
But I see that a lot,especially with females or males
that seek approval from theirparents.
It's like, okay, you didn't getthat when you were little, but
guess what?
You can give that to yourchildren and you can do it for
(23:00):
yourself.
So when I started working onlike what do I want for me
Instead of what do I want themto want for me, it shifted
everything.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
That question that you just said is an is a huge
question for women especially.
I mean, I think men too.
But yeah, what do I want?
What do I want for me?
Right, that, in keeping withthe topic of ownership and um.
So if a person can't figure outwhat it is that they want, or
someone doesn't want to take thetime, prioritize the time, to
(23:33):
figure out that question, theneedle's never going to move.
No, Don't you feel that 100%?
I mean it's never going to goanywhere.
You're going to stay in onespot and you're going to rotate
around like a cat chasing itstail.
That question is probably thekey to evolution.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
It 100% is.
And that's what thatconversation leads me to, our
first conversation.
You made me think, because Ican sit there and bitch all day
long about the things thataren't going right, but what do
I want?
What do you want?
Speaker 2 (24:06):
What do?
Speaker 1 (24:06):
you want and I'm like , well, right, but what do I
want, what do you want, what doyou want?
And I'm like, well, you know, Ijust had this new baby and it's
like, well, I want to be a mom,but I want to fulfill my
purpose.
And my purpose isn't just beinga mom and like, look at us now.
Like it's, it's working, it'sno-transcript.
(25:16):
I started the relationship and27, when I got divorced and I
was a baby and I had a baby inthe middle and she's the most
wonderful thing ever.
But you know, co-parenting hasbeen no joke, but I really I
didn't know what I wanted.
That because it was kind oflike, whew, this is your
situation.
And I was like, oh, okay, butthis time I felt like I had a
(25:36):
choice and I got to choose.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
And just think about how long that process of not
knowing what you want has goneon.
Right, and, like your friendsand people, I have people that
still at in their late forties,early fifties, haven't answered
that question yet.
Right, and I'm like you'reyou're more than halfway through
your life.
And if you don't know what youwant in your life, in your life
(26:01):
as in a relationship or apartnership, in how, how you
want to parent, co-parent, whereyou want to go, if you're going
to go to Georgia, do you justgo okay, I'm going to get in my
vehicle and just drive or do youlook at your map and figure out
what's the best way to getthere?
And the other question is howmuch do you lie to yourself?
(26:24):
We've had this conversation thatbroke me wide open, a hundred
percent, about, if even I meansomething as simple as I'm going
to get up and go to the gym inthe morning.
And if you think about how manytimes you didn't get up and go
to the gym in the morning, eventhough you told yourself you
were going to go to the gym inthe morning.
You have opened yourself up,you have lied to yourself,
you've delivered that lie andyou've given yourself permission
(26:44):
to be a fucking slob, yep.
And then it just repeats itself.
And then it's 40 years later.
Look at that patterndevelopment.
Now it's I'm going to go meethere, I'm going to do this, I'm
going to do that, or I'm okay,or I'm okay, I'm fine.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
That was my biggest one.
Everything's fine, everythingwill be fine.
I was not fine, no, I was notfine.
Nobody's fine when they saythey're fine, no, it's fine when
they I hate the word fineactually, unless you're like Ooh
, you're looking fine.
I mean, that's one thing that'sdifferent, but and that's just
it.
Yeah, and it's like that's.
That is huge and I actually hadthis conversation with.
I had breakfast with Laurentoday after and um, I did this
(27:21):
mediumship and, like my dad camethrough and um this, I see
Nadine from Spiritual HealingArts.
She's amazing.
And she's like you know he isvicariously living through you
because you don't tell yourselflittle white lies.
But there was a time periodwhere I did all the time, yeah,
like, oh, I'm okay, or this isfine, or this relationship is
(27:43):
healthy, or it's going to getbetter, or I'm happy, I'm happy,
or guess what?
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Or I have to be happy .
Speaker 1 (27:51):
Right, and it's like, no, like you are in need of
intimacy and connection and allthese things, and I think for a
long time I just didn't evenknow what the really was.
Yeah, I think we all have tofigure out what that means to us
because, just like anythingelse those are, it's different,
it's different for everydifferent, it's different for
every couple, it's different forevery person, and that
constantly evolves.
(28:11):
Yes, you know, I just feel likeit's intimacy and connection
now looks very different than itdid five years ago and I'm sure
it looks very different than itwill in five more years.
And even with myself, like,what do I like to do in my quiet
moments?
And when I started livinghonestly, in my quiet moments
(28:33):
I'm not scrolling on my phone,I'm not calling and
chit-chatting and gossiping andtalking shit Not that I did that
a lot, but you can get on thewheel of complaining and
victimizing and living thatvictim mentality of life is
happening to me when I startedjust being like you know what,
I'm going to go for a nice walkand I'm going to go to yoga
class and I'm going to, I'mgoing to live my truth of what,
(28:55):
where I want to go.
So, just like you said, likeyou're not going to go to
Georgia without not knowing howto get there.
I had to figure out what wouldget me to peace and like a solid
place, which you knowsolidification depends on the
day.
I'll just say that.
But it's getting there.
Like we said before, it'sconstantly evolving and it's
(29:16):
okay to give yourself permissionto change it up and shift it.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
I think one of the best takeaways for me with
owning your shit is to not lieto yourself anymore.
With owning your shit is is tonot lie to yourself anymore and
for people to understand.
I had to really understand.
I had to go through and writeeverything down and this is what
one of my therapists duringthat time said to me.
She said go and write down allthe lies that you told yourself.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
I'm like you had us do that exercise.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
Yes, and I still use that with my clients.
Um, but I was like, was like,could you give me some clarity
on that?
Like in the last six months,and she went no child In the
last, like forever.
I mean, do you know how longthe paper was?
It was like nine pages.
I still have it in that book, Ilove that.
And it was like one-liners Ninepages of notebook paper.
(30:05):
You know how many lies that is,but I got into it though.
I mean, I'm talking abouteverything.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
What were the biggest ones?
Tell us the biggest ones.
Speaker 2 (30:15):
Let's share, because I'm sure everyone can relate.
Well, one of the things wasabout sex.
Yeah, you know about when,something, when you say that
something feels good and itdoesn't feel good.
That was huge for me because Ihad some things in my youth that
I didn't realize had carriedthrough.
I can't even believe.
I just said that out loudactually, yeah, I didn't realize
(30:39):
that it had carried throughinto my adult life and as I'm
coming into 40, now, eight yearsago, it was like you know
something, this actually doesn'tfeel good, right?
So why do you say that it feels?
Why do I say that this feelsgood when it doesn't fucking
feel good, right?
Speaker 1 (30:56):
Inside or outside?
Inside or outside, physicallyor emotionally.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
If you don't know how to use your words and I tell my
kids this all the time if youcan't converse about what it is
that you're doing with theperson that you're doing it with
verse about what it is thatyou're doing with the person
that you're doing it with.
And I say this to my businessclients don't do it.
If you can't talk aboutbusiness with your business
partner and you can't talk aboutfinances with your business
partner and all the things, ifyou can't talk about sex and if
(31:21):
you can't talk about parenting,then don't do it.
You have no business doing it.
You need to back the fuck up,write a plan down and then press
go again.
Right.
So I applied all of thosetechniques and that exercise
(31:42):
about writing all of these liesby divorce, my own behaviors,
the reasons that I was allowingthat behavior to keep happening
and I don't like the word Idon't know or the phrase, but I
did have some, I don't knows.
And then I took those topicsand I put them on a separate
(32:04):
piece of paper and whatevertopic that was that I wasn't
sure about.
That's what I started with,because I needed to figure out
why.
And then I started exploring.
Well, okay, where's the lie inhere, and do you really not know
?
Or are you covering up whatreally hurts you and what you're
afraid of and ashamed of andyou don't want to say out loud?
(32:24):
That's the thing.
Whenever we separated, Icouldn't say the word divorce
because there was guilt andshame attached to that word.
For me, how I reprogrammed itwas that it's an opportunity for
me to become a better motherand a better woman, and that's
(32:46):
essentially what I started toteach my kids.
But for the first 18 months Icouldn't say the word divorce.
I explored that.
Why?
What does that shame look like?
Where does the guilt come from?
Where did that come from?
For you that the most came from.
I thought that I was ruining mykids' lives.
I thought that by advocatingfor myself and realizing that I
(33:11):
was, it wasn't going to work.
For multiple reasons.
Make no mistake I am putting myhand up saying I fucked up.
I didn't get there by myself,because he fucked up too.
But the biggest was I thought Iwas ruining my kids' lives by
leaving and that I needed tostay.
(33:31):
That's a whole other topic, butI needed to stay, but I
realized that I couldn't.
Other shame and guilt was whatI did to get there and my
behaviors and this old beliefsystem.
There were some things that Iwas running away from.
I was sabotaging certain partsof my relationship because I was
(33:53):
terrified about what wasunderneath the reason of why I
was sabotaging it.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
I think that is huge for most people.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
Yeah, and I had to be honest, because all of that
stuff that was fueling thosebehaviors was real ugly, it was
real nasty and there was a lotof lies wrapped in that until I
could look myself in the faceand say this is what you've done
, these are the things that youdid to get here and now let's
(34:25):
figure out how to change it sothat you don't repeat it moving
forward.
If I had never done thatprocess, I would still be there.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
Right, and if you had never done those things, you
wouldn't have had this growth.
Exactly that's what I wantpeople to understand and really
take from this.
Right Is by facing your shit.
It might feel icky and stickyand nasty for a little while.
Yeah, when you get on the otherside of it, it is so freeing
because then it's like you don'thave shit on me, talking about
(34:56):
your own demons, your own shadowwork and stuff constantly comes
up.
My daughter hit 14.
Some stuff came up for me.
I wrote a lot of 14-year-oldcrystal letters this past summer
because I needed to workthrough my own stuff.
So I didn't project my14-year-old self into her
because, you know, I had someweird things happen to me when I
(35:18):
was a teenager and for so longI feel like I held shame and
guilt and fear and all of thisstuff.
And going back to likesexuality, it 100,000 percent
affected my sexuality because Ididn't know what I needed, what
I wanted and what felt good tome.
I didn't know, I don't think Iknew that until I met my current
(35:43):
husband and like, until youfind like a safe person when it
comes to sexuality.
Like there's not.
It's a game changer.
It is like a mind, body, spiritand yeah, it hasn't always been
that way.
We've had to work to get therefor each other.
Can we do a sex podcast?
Yes, let's do a sex podcast.
We're doing a sex podcastcoming up soon.
Speaker 2 (36:05):
um, can, can I?
Can I just tell you somethingto that point really quick.
I went to a silent retreat lastyear, seven days in silence,
and something that came up inone of the practices that we did
there was rape was I was raped,and I think that many, many
young women was I was raped.
And I think that many, manyyoung women, especially in
(36:29):
college scenarios, can say that.
And do you know what?
I used to tell myself what, oh,I was just taken advantage of,
I was just drunk.
I was just drunk and Ishouldn't have been.
I put myself in that position.
It actually makes me sweatbecause it's still hard for me
(36:50):
to say that I was raped.
And until I said that at thatsilent retreat, crystal, I was
47.
That was last year.
I remember when you went onthat retreat, it took me 40.
Well, I mean, I was in college,so I was probably in my early
20s, but it took me over 20years to be able to come to say
that.
And I've got like tears areswelling up in the back of my
(37:11):
eyes right now.
Um, that's what I'm talkingabout.
To the topic of owning your shityeah, because I think as women,
we hold that it's a lie we makeexcuses If you were raped and
you say, oh, I was drunk, yes,you were drunk, great Right, but
that doesn't give somebody elsethe fucking the wherewithal to
(37:31):
take advantage of you.
That's on them.
Yeah, you got drunk, you gotdrunk, fine, but that doesn't
mean that somebody puts theirhands on you.
Um, and just to eve, I wrote itdown like to say that, oh, I
was taken advantage of the fuck.
That's what I'm talking aboutnot lying to yourself, and you
know I love this topic of owningyour shit as an individual.
(37:54):
I mean we could talk about it onso many different levels, but I
mean I guess, if anybody'slistening, when people listen to
this and I see you, by the wayis that don't lie to yourself
about anything say and that youneed to say so that you can
(38:23):
release the anchors that are inyou, so that you can move
forward in your own healingprocess and journey, especially
if you have little people inyour life Like my girls, if
anything ever happened like thatto them and I don't and I'm not
showing them how to use theirwords and how to use their voice
and how to not lie tothemselves and to own their shit
, even if it's embarrassing, youhave to say it.
(38:43):
Yep, now, the Jennifer today,you know, would take that
situation very differently thanthe Jennifer at 20.
Right, I'm not going topublicly say what would happen
now.
Speaker 1 (38:58):
Right but Stay under the radar.
Speaker 2 (39:02):
It will look a lot different than it did 27 years
ago.
Absolutely, I was even scaredit might.
Honestly, if my mom everlistens to this, she's probably
going to be shattered because Ihave never said that to her
Right, but you know what I feellike most people can relate to
that in some way, shape or form,sadly, I know I can.
Speaker 1 (39:22):
Yeah, florida State for you, florida State, same I
mean.
But we're even in relationships, like when you're in a
relationship and I'm just goingto throw it out there and you're
not feeling it.
Speaker 2 (39:37):
I just have to hold your hand for just a second, and
you do it anyway.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
That's the same stuff .
It affects us internally thesame way.
If you're in a relationship andyou're not intimately attracted
to that person and you're beingsexual with them, anyway, it's
the same thing.
It's the same thing.
It's the same thing and I hateto burst the bubble on that, but
(40:03):
I think a lot of people need tohear it.
I love you.
Speaker 2 (40:07):
I love you too, and thank you for sharing that
because this is the raw truthsof life.
Speaker 1 (40:13):
This is the rawness, and the intent for this is
because we can all relate to itin some way, shape or form,
whether it's something verytraumatic or something just like
I described, like lack ofintimacy in your own marriage or
with your spouse or yourpartner and you're just doing it
anyway.
Those are the lies and, I think, some of the biggest lies as
(40:37):
adults we tell ourselves.
Speaker 2 (40:38):
I agree and I think some of the biggest lies as
adults we tell ourselves.
Speaker 1 (40:40):
I agree that we're okay, it's okay and we're fine,
everything's fine, and weproject and we pretend.
And the world of social mediais just a whole other.
Speaker 2 (40:49):
That's a whole other thing too.
Speaker 1 (40:51):
It's a whole other thing.
It's like we have this pseudosociety that we're pretending
and this ability to pretend andI just don't want to do that.
Speaker 2 (41:01):
I'm not doing it anymore.
No, good for you, and we've alldone it.
I'm not doing it either.
Speaker 1 (41:05):
No, no, I mean, what you see is what you get, yeah,
what you see is what you get,yeah, and I love that.
Yeah, me too.
And thank you.
I mean that's.
You know it's deep stuff and Iappreciate you sharing your
heart and your experiences,because we can always edit it
out if you want to A little hot.
Speaker 2 (41:22):
Is there whiskey under this table anywhere?
Speaker 1 (41:27):
But I think that so many people will take a pause
and step back and hopefullywrite their list.
Speaker 2 (41:36):
I hope that they write their list.
Speaker 1 (41:38):
I hope that they write their list.
So, if you're listening, yourhomework and I'm going to do
this again.
I've done it before, but I'mdoing it again because I might
have more at this point in time.
Oh yeah, you know I might havesome creep up that I don't even
like.
Oh, I love driving to school inthe morning, whatever it is in
the morning, whatever it is.
(41:59):
Yes, I love Disney World.
Yeah, do it for the kids.
Okay For the kids, but writeyour list.
What is the story you'retelling yourself?
Speaker 2 (42:10):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
And what is reality?
Huge, because that was a hugething for me and I used to even
Matt.
And I joke we're like, well,the story I'm telling myself is
it?
It's totally been Matt.
And I joke we're like, well,the story I'm telling myself is
it's like a whole Brene.
Brown thing.
Yes, because, it's true.
It's like you know he can havea day or whatever, and I'm like
well, the story I'm tellingmyself is you don't want to be
around me right now.
Blah, blah, blah and it's likewell, that's not it at all.
He just needs his own space andso just owning that and
(42:36):
respecting that for other peopletoo, Like if someone says no,
accept it.
Speaker 2 (42:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:41):
As a full sentence.
It's not always just one way,like be able to receive it too.
And that's been the big, that'sa big hurdle.
That is a big hurdle, you cangive it, give it, give it.
But being in a place to be ableto receive it is a whole
different ballgame, and I've hadto really work to be there.
Because what do you have to do?
You have to like you saidearlier when you talk about your
kids you have to release yourego.
(43:01):
You have to release thatlistening to respond and react.
You have to actively listen andhear their heart like that
nonviolent communication.
Have you read that book?
So good and you will love it itteaches you to really take a
step back and, instead ofobserving and labeling what the
other person is talking about inthe conversation, what is
bringing alive inside of me?
(43:22):
Yes, like what do I need fromthis?
I mean it's been life-changingfor me.
I'm going to read that.
Oh, it's so good.
I listened to it and I wrote it.
I have notes all in it.
I scribbled all in it.
I love his voice too.
He has a really soft voice.
Speaker 2 (43:34):
There's about the needing space, and this was a
lie that I was telling myself.
I think this is really funny,especially women thinking that
just because somebody needsspace, like, oh my gosh, what is
it about me?
Do you not want to be around me, do you not this?
Do you not love me, do you?
love me any less.
One of my things now that I hadto be really clear on is that I
need more alone time thanprobably any three people that I
(43:58):
know, and until I was able tosay that out loud and identify
that that's what I needed.
And I've only really kind ofhung out with one person since
my divorce, but I've listened toa lot of people talking and
I've had friends that I go andhave dinner with, but like the
(44:18):
other night when I didn't wantto be there.
But until I was able to getreally clear that that's what I
need and my needs are just asimportant as anybody else's
needs in any kind ofrelationship business or
personal I was always in thesespaces where I was uncomfortable
, and then I would go home and Iwould be mad and frustrated
(44:39):
because I allowed myself to bein this space where I was
uncomfortable, and then I wouldgo home and I would be mad and
frustrated because I allowedmyself to be in this space or I
let somebody hey, I want to.
You know, can I come over andsee you?
Oh, yeah, of course, Come onNow.
I'm like, uh, no, you know, I'mnot ready for it today and I
just need some quiet time.
It's like uh, can we go tolunch today?
No, how about in four weeks?
(45:00):
In four weeks, are you serious?
You want to?
Speaker 1 (45:03):
put four weeks.
Speaker 2 (45:06):
Right, but what's wrong with that?
Nothing.
So now, moving forward in mylife, as I'm maybe contemplating
possibly dating again, whichI'm not sure about yet but I say
that I need alone time and Ineed that honored.
I don't want somebody living inmy house.
If I'm completely transparent,if and when I decide to date
again, I need that person tohave their own home.
(45:28):
Yeah, I don't want tocohabitate, um and I.
When I go home, I want to beleft alone, right, and I also
don't want to go.
Oh well, I'm doing this and I'mdoing this and I'm doing this
today, right?
Anyway, it's just, that's awhole other.
No, I love it.
I had to identify that.
That's what I needed.
I feel like we need to do a sexand relationships podcast.
Speaker 1 (45:49):
We're going to schedule that for when I get
back from Peru.
Speaker 2 (45:50):
We have to schedule that.
Let's do that, Because that'sgoing to too Very deep.
Speaker 1 (45:57):
And that's just it and when you know, I feel like
it's so interesting.
Our relationship has evolved inso many different ways myself
and Matt, my husband, when westarted honoring each other's
space and acknowledging thatit's okay to need space.
Yeah, you take that Well.
At first, we both had to startowning our shit, which means
(46:18):
what you have to face, what yourcodependencies are Right and
everyone has them.
Write your lies down to yourselfIf you don't if you feel like
you, don't have a codependencyof some sort and it's attachment
Right and, and in the healingjourney I've learned healthy
detachment and how freeing thatis, like you were saying for
your kids, like it is, likethey're not my kids.
(46:39):
You know, I was blessed enoughto just birth these beautiful
souls into the world.
They're not mine anymore thanthat vase over there is, but I'm
responsible for nurturing theirspirits.
So when you think of it thatway, it makes parenting a hell
of a lot more pressure.
So when you think of it thatway, it makes parenting a hell
(46:59):
of a lot more pressure.
I mean it kind of does, itreally does.
But it's also more of an honor,because what do you get?
You get like a chance atreparenting.
It's been reparenting myself.
It's been, which is huge, right?
Not parenting in myrelationship with my spouse,
which is huge, which is hugeBecause what do we?
do it, which is huge, becausewhat do we do?
It's like, oh well, youshouldn't wear this, you
shouldn't wear this.
You're not a mom, like what arewe doing to each other?
(47:22):
But it goes down to toounderstanding.
Just because you weren'tmodeled that behavior doesn't
mean you can't change it.
And it's hard to break,especially if your parents are
still living and they're stilldigging in and you know all the
things and it just it comes fromall different pressures of
society too, and as it isrelationships, you know, to what
(47:43):
you just said about tellingsomebody, like your partner,
about why you're wearing thisand don't wear this and don't do
that.
Speaker 2 (47:49):
that talking about, I mean I'm not going to get on
the whole masculine like malemasculine.
I mean I love masculine men,but for me, I have identified
what masculinity to me lookslike and what makes me feel safe
.
If somebody grabs me by the armand tells me to come here, I'm
(48:11):
probably going to injure thatperson extremely like as best as
I can it would be.
That's a hard fucking no, goingabout your business and we'll
talk later or we won't, right?
But masculine to me is someonethat can cry and that talks to
me and that doesn't talk at me,right, and that is strong and
(48:33):
like.
I mean for me, honestly, takethe fucking garbage out, because
I don't want to do it.
Right, I have no problem withthat whole thing.
Yeah, I need something built,that's I don't.
I don't even like to puttogether, I don't like to do
things with like screws anddrills and overstimulating.
Speaker 1 (48:48):
I don't like it.
It is overstimulating.
I opened a package.
I'm like, oh, I have an amazonthing that's been sitting in my
living room.
Speaker 2 (48:55):
I'm just gonna ship it back.
I told bod Bodie I'm like boxit up.
He said I'll put it together.
I'm like nope, I'm tired oflooking at it.
I'm sending it back, but it'sjust funny.
Again, it's like owning yourshit, like identifying what it
is that you appreciate in yourperson, male or female, and if
you fell in love with thatperson as they were, if you fell
(49:22):
in love with that person asthey were, stop.
You're not their mom, you'renot their dad.
Let them be.
Let them be masculine, let thembe feminine.
Bring out those qualities thatyou love and, to your point
earlier, identify in you what itbrings up.
What it brings up.
Yeah, because if you're tellingsomebody else to whatever go,
oh shit.
This is an opportunity for meto look at myself Right, instead
(49:45):
of pointing the finger at them.
Speaker 1 (49:47):
And guess what, when I started to do that, everything
started to shift Right.
Speaker 2 (49:51):
I remember the conversations you remember, like
you were with us through someof this like big ones.
Speaker 1 (49:57):
But also he had to decide to do it for himself too.
It would not have worked if itwere just me.
No, it never does.
He chose to be like I think Ineed to look at my own shit too.
Yeah, and I think I know, and Ithink I'm going to cry and I
think I need to do somethingelse too.
Yeah, and it's constant.
(50:18):
I mean, we had a heart-to-heartlast night.
It's a busy life Prioritizing,prioritizing, prioritizing each
other and prioritizing ourselves, because we can only give so
much.
You can't pour from an emptycup.
That's like old time sayingit's so true, you can't, true,
you can't.
So we both he and I both needalone time.
(50:40):
We need our solitude time.
I know like I have to take sometime for myself before I come
home, and in the door we have afour and a half year old.
He needs mom and he deservesmom when I walk into that door.
So I try to get everything donebefore I get there, so I'm not
the mom on my phone or you know.
I have to prioritize thosethings and I know when Matt
walks in the door he's got a lot, a lot of life gone on prior to
(51:02):
walking in the door.
He needs that walk in the yardwhen he gets home.
Speaker 2 (51:05):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (51:06):
So, you know, keeping Brody busy and doing crafts and
just honoring that space foreach other, right, and I think,
in relationships breaking thosecodependent patterns of always
needing each other or checkingin on each other all the time.
And there's nothing wrong withI love you and you know, having
conversations, but there's adifference when it's coming from
a place of codependency andattachment and genuine love,
(51:27):
care and concern A hundredpercent.
And it's been a huge growthprocess and it still is.
You know, things come up, newopportunities arise.
I mean, I just went to freakingItaly for 10 days all by myself
, which is amazing.
Speaker 2 (51:41):
Which is amazing.
Speaker 1 (51:41):
I mean it came back to freaking hurricanes and
pneumonia and whatever.
But if you would have told mesix years ago that that was
going to happen, I would havebeen like you're a failure.
Speaker 2 (51:50):
There's no way.
Speaker 1 (51:51):
Because we were still in a codependency circle with
each other.
Speaker 2 (51:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (51:55):
And we just didn't know.
We didn't know any better.
It's like you do the best youcan with the tools that you have
.
We did the best we could withthe tools we have.
And it makes me look back nowand there were times where I
would just cycle through.
And it's like, you know, wealways tried our best and if you
can look at life that way andthen it's happening for you.
(52:16):
I say it all the time.
I probably said it on everysingle freaking podcast I've
ever filmed, but it's so.
I say it all the time, becauseit's so true, and if you feel
like it's not, what is thatbringing up inside you?
Speaker 2 (52:28):
Somebody asked me yesterday how often do you check
in with yourself, like, howoften do you go through these
processes that you're talkingabout or teaching, and I say how
often do you do your books as abusiness client?
How often do you do your books?
Do you close out every month?
(52:48):
Do you close out every quarter?
And he said, well, we close outevery month, but I don't
typically look at them until theend of the quarter.
So I said you look at yourbooks every quarter.
Yes, do you look at your life,your personal life, every
quarter?
And he said no, why?
(53:08):
Why don't you do that?
And then you say, well, wait aminute.
I asked you the question and Isaid you're right, but there's
the answer.
I do mine honestly, just like Ido my taxes.
Yeah, every quarter I take aminute, which is probably about
a day, half a day, and I checkin with myself.
I go back and I look at theselists, I go back and I add to
(53:29):
them and I check in with wheream I?
Where am I going?
What's important to me rightnow?
What's rocking me?
Where do I need some help?
Do I need outside help?
Do I need just what do I needand what am I doing?
So I'm going to ask you thatquestion too.
All right, how often do you?
(53:49):
How often now are you checkingin with yourself and then also
you two collectively, as acouple?
How often are you doing that?
Speaker 1 (54:00):
I would say for me, I'm seasonal, so I would say
about quarterly, because I feellike I change with the season.
So it's like what do I need inthis season?
I feel like I'm like an earthgirl, like that the moon.
I will say I'm a big full moon,like what do I need to release?
Yeah and new moons?
What do I need to release?
Yeah and new moons?
What do I need?
What do I need right now?
(54:20):
So honestly, probably monthlyin that realm, as far as deep
dive into, where am I going?
Where is this all taking me?
I think that recently, I guessthe past year, since I started
the whole crystal clear in thepodcast, I've kind of just left
it open.
I'm open to whatever is coming.
I'm just going to let it flowbecause I feel like I got into
(54:42):
and I have a tendency to be likevery, I'm going all in, but you
can all in yourself too much,and it's like you're not
creating space for opportunitiesto come in.
So I feel like, for that,that's where that's come from
and, as far as Matt and I andour relationship goes, that's
something like we're going toPeru next week and that's
(55:05):
something that we both need tocheck in.
Like we need to check in, yeah,and I would say we probably do
that twice a year when we traveltogether.
Yeah, and, but it could be morein-depth.
Yes, you know, and again itconstantly evolves Like where do
we want?
It's not just the surface levelstuff either, like where are we
(55:26):
traveling and what are we doingnext?
It's like no, it's like whatare we going to invest our time
and our money in for the nextyear?
And you know, he just actuallyposed a point to like I think
you should invest in yourpodcast more and have someone
else put it out there for you.
It's social media wise, right.
I'm like let me go to Italy andsit on it.
Speaker 2 (55:46):
I think that's a good idea too, because I don't know
if I want to do that.
Speaker 1 (55:49):
And I came back and I'm like let's do it.
And so they're doing it.
Good, and at first I was likereading I can't do that, I have
to set boundaries for myself, topost and ghost and let it go.
Yeah, because what's being putout there is meant for other
people, it's not meant for me,it's not something that and I
think that we get caught up inthat with society.
It's like it's an ego thing.
(56:10):
Our egos get fed.
Have you read the fouragreements?
Like, don't take anythingpersonally the good or the bad.
Because what?
Because what does that do?
It's like it feeds your falsesense of self.
So for Matt and I to get backto your question, I think that
we check it and it's a bitdifferent sometimes.
We like to take long walkstogether.
(56:32):
That's like our new date thingis, we take long walks and we'll
have good conversations andreally hearing him and listening
to where he's at in his journeyand him listening to where I am
and then kind of like okay,well, it's great that we have
these individual journeys, buthow are they going to merge?
Like where?
do we want this to go togetherBecause, yes, it's an individual
journey, but you also it canget too separate if you allow it
(56:55):
to.
So that's why we were kind oflike we need this trip, we need
to take this time to reevaluate,like, what do we want to do
next year, or this year, orright now, or you know, and just
kind of take the steps fromthere, because it also has to
kind of have a path, so did youask that question?
Speaker 2 (57:13):
Was that that?
Were those the questions onyour last walk that you guys are
going to explore when you're onyour trip?
Yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1 (57:20):
Well, not last walk, but we've kind of over time.
Yeah, Just like, what do wewant to do?
There's beach properties thatare freaking going for a steal
right now.
Do we want to be super braveand snatch one up and have some
sort of fun investment property,or is that freaking crazy?
And I'm like I think I need alittle while to come off these
disaster grant photos to getthere, but it could be something
(57:44):
fun and nothing that's been inour path so far.
So also being open to we'reboth kind of impulsive like that
.
Speaker 2 (57:50):
Like oh, I want to do this.
Speaker 1 (57:51):
And it's like hold on .
Sometimes we have to take astep back and allow each other
to process through it, andthat's been a learning curve too
, is being like I'm going tohonor your thoughts and your
ambition and your impulsivityand let you talk, without being
like I don't think so, and justallowing that space for each
other and then like how could wemake this work?
Do we want this to work?
(58:12):
Could it work?
Speaker 2 (58:13):
What I think is the most important, too, is that
when you ask each other thosequestions, is that you hold each
other accountable because Ihave to do this too is coming up
with the answer Right.
So when I ask a question tomyself and I was, and I wrote
that down about what are youowning right now and is I have a
handful of questions that I'veasked on, this is primarily
pertaining to business, becauseI've already shelved, I'm not
(58:36):
dating, right, so I've got thatthere.
That's under control.
Because I've already shelved,I'm not dating, so I've got that
there.
That's under control.
But for business wise, I haveasked myself these questions and
, just like with you and Matt,you've asked yourself these
questions and now, if you leavethem open, then they just sit
there and then something elsehappens and then you get more
questions that come about thatnever get answered, and then
(58:58):
your list compounds and then,all of a sudden, you're in this
like tailspin.
So I think the most importantand I'm really excited for when
you get back from Peru to comeup with these answers, and maybe
that's something that we canshare with each other, because I
have some questions that I'mgoing to come up with actually
this weekend when I go to Mexicoand that's my airplane is I'm
(59:20):
going to come up with actuallythis weekend when I go to Mexico
and that's my airplane I'manswering it's like seven
questions pertaining to mybusiness that I will have
answered.
I put a time frame on them formyself.
I need them answered by.
Wednesday.
I love that and for me thatreally helps me with owning my
shit, because I asked thequestion.
Speaker 1 (59:45):
I put a timeline on the answer and I answer it Right
, so you have to answer it.
I love that and that would begood for me, because sometimes
I'm a little flighty like that.
And one thing we've actuallypopped in when you were
explaining that one thing we'vestarted doing annually is
writing down.
You know, is there somewhere wewant to go?
Speaker 2 (01:00:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:00:00):
Is there things we want to do around the house?
Is there like and we just writesome kind of like a wish list?
Almost of things that we wantto get accomplished and then
it's like, but what's?
Let's prioritize them, likewhat is doable.
What's like?
Last year we wanted to take thekids to Europe where you'd
never been, which is Switzerland, and you know just little
things.
That, because if you don'tprioritize them, you don't write
(01:00:21):
them down then, it's not goingto get done, and if you don't
budget for them, you don't planfor them, then it becomes a
whole other.
Like you know, it's just so.
We've started doing that justthe past couple of years and
that's been really helpful.
So, but that's the externalstuff.
I feel like it's great to domore of the internal stuff, like
what do we personally need moreof which is?
Speaker 2 (01:00:44):
the most important Right.
Speaker 1 (01:00:45):
And that's where the intimacy comes in.
I put it on my calendar too?
Speaker 2 (01:00:49):
Do you put it on your calendar, yet Sometimes in?
Speaker 1 (01:00:51):
my phone.
I'll put in.
You know like I need to getsuch and such done by a certain
date yeah get such and such doneby a certain date.
Speaker 2 (01:00:57):
Yeah, I'll put a deep dive in my calendar.
If I really need to, if Ireally need to prioritize some
quiet time, I will put it in my.
I mean, you put your dentistappointment in the calendar.
Why not put your?
This is what I ask myself.
Why not put these times whenyou need to have some deep dive,
clarity and some conversationswith yourself and your spirits
(01:01:19):
and your gods and whoever you,whatever you believe in, like
schedule that?
Speaker 1 (01:01:23):
shit.
Speaker 2 (01:01:23):
I try to do it on.
Speaker 1 (01:01:23):
Mondays yeah, I do.
I do Monday's like my day.
Everyone's going back to workand I'm like I'm like a
hairstylist, like I need Mondayoff, like I need Monday time, I
need to do my yoga, I need totake a long walk, I need to
decompress from the weekend.
I really try to prioritize myMondays as, yes, I'm still
working a remote, I can stillchime in, but I set parameters
(01:01:44):
around myself.
From 7.30 to 10 o'clock, that'smy time.
Nothing else comes into thattime other than dropping the
kids off, and that's my time.
I don't schedule me, I block mycalendar.
So that's kind of my way ofdecompressing from the weekend
and knowing I'm getting my mindready for the week.
Speaker 2 (01:02:02):
So I think that's that should be our listeners, or
your listeners also theirhomework.
Yeah, is the this week rightnow?
Yeah, get your calendar out,yep.
Pick some time through the weekand carve out two or three
hours Yep by yourself.
What do you need?
Work some shit out and what doyou need in that time.
Speaker 1 (01:02:20):
What do you need?
Is it quiet?
Is it dancing, Is it cooking?
Is it nothing Like?
Speaker 2 (01:02:27):
whatever that looks like.
Is it sex?
Is it a tramp?
Is it solo?
Is it whatever?
Yeah, is it snuggles?
Right?
You need to go eat some popcorn.
Right, what some popcorn?
I mean, let's just talk aboutall the real things.
Snuggling donkeys right, jenhas a donkey yes, there's humor
behind that.
Speaker 1 (01:02:46):
And chickens I've snuggled her chickens.
Yeah, oh, good times, so good.
I love that.
I think that's a good note.
I think that's a good note towrap it up like what write down,
what do you need?
And we're gonna do that andwe're gonna podcast again.
We have a sex and relationshipspodcast coming up.
Speaker 2 (01:03:02):
So stay tuned.
Speaker 1 (01:03:04):
A whole other version of Crystal is going to be out
there.
Are you ready?
But it makes it so much fun,we'll put parameters on it.
Yeah, whatever.
Speaker 2 (01:03:13):
Maybe we won't, who cares?
Speaker 1 (01:03:15):
Maybe we won't, maybe we won't, who knows?
Stay tuned.
Awesome.
Thank you, jen.
So much for being here andsharing your heart and sharing
this space with me.
I love you, I adore you and I'mexcited for this again, thank
you.
I feel like we need like around table.
We need to bring Lauren in.
We need to do this again.
It'd be so fun.
Speaker 2 (01:03:30):
It would yes to that.
That's happening.
That's happening Awesome.
I love you, love you.
Speaker 1 (01:03:34):
Signing off.
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