Transformative Journeys & Self-Acceptance with Nicole Cato

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
What's up everyone.
Welcome to this episode ofCrystal Clear.
I have a very special guesttoday and we're going to really
try to behave ourselves, but Idoubt that's going to happen,
nicole Cato.
Welcome Nicole, thank you, I'mexcited.
So funny story about Nicole andI.
It just really.
It really explains a lot aboutour connection the way we met.

(00:24):
So it was at a sports bar aftera work event and our husbands
were arm wrestling and we felteach other's energy from across
the room Like oh shit.
Okay, One of us one of us isgoing down, we're not sure,
which has nothing to do with thearm wrestlers here.
So we instantly connected andprobably had a few drinks that

(00:48):
night or more.
Yeah, I figured you know wewere either going to be trauma
bonded drinking buddies or Imean, and look at us now we're
like healing partners.
I know it's been a journey.
That was what, like seven yearsago.

Speaker 2 (01:03):
Yes, that's crazy to believe.
I know I'm thinking about this.
I'm like I don't know if theworld's ready for all of our
conversations, so we'll justtiptoe into it today.
Ready or not, here we come.

Speaker 1 (01:13):
Yes, I think it'll be fantastic, though I think the
world needs more of this.
I honestly literally envisionNicole coming on as like a
co-host and us having otherpeople on too, because we have
these epic conversations all thetime and they're worth sharing.

Speaker 2 (01:28):
I know it's like other people would benefit from
this I really do in one way oranother.

Speaker 1 (01:33):
It would either make them feel like, hey, I'm not so
crazy, or I am.
I am crazy and it's okay.
Because they are too.
There are others there, thereare others, we're all here, yeah
, but you can heal in that crazytoo.
And that's kind of what thischapter of our lives have been a
little bit more cohesivebecause we've had some similar

(01:55):
fun.
Yes, opportunities forawareness.

Speaker 2 (02:00):
Yes, I like that Opportunities for awareness,
opportunities for awareness.

Speaker 1 (02:04):
So I will let you share a little bit about
yourself, whatever you want toshare, and we'll go from there.

Speaker 2 (02:10):
Yeah, I think, you know, when we started talking
more about our healing journeys,I realized we were starting to
use a lot of the same tools andwith the empowerment, coaching
was huge for me of havingaccountability and being aware
of where I was at in my healingjourney.
Because I think when you firststart, whether it's through an

(02:31):
empowerment coach or a friendthat you trust, it's an outside
resource to go.
Here's what I hear you saying.
It's like, because sometimeshaving somebody parrot it back
to you is like oh, wow, that,yes, that does make more sense
now, or I make.
I can see that connection.
But I think, too, having thatthe coaching was just like so

(02:53):
empowering as far as, like youwould ask me questions that I
wasn't, you know, like preparedfor or was like I didn't want to
answer, or I knew the answerand didn't want to necessarily
go there.
But I think having someone thatyou can trust to talk about all
the things that are going oninternally is huge.
And your journaling, I know, isbig for both of us and I don't

(03:17):
think I realized until now as anadult that journaling isn't
something everybody you knowlike that I thought everybody
did it but that it was prettynormal, but the more I talk
about it is not so like peopleare afraid to jump into how I'm
like what do you mean?

Speaker 1 (03:31):
I don't know how.
I get that?
I totally get that, because Iremember there was a time when I
was a kid I used to like writein my diary.
And as an adult I would go backand read and I'm like none of
that stuff was true, like I wastotally just making up stories.
It was creative writing,apparently, but it was
interesting, I think.
For me in childhood it was moreof I was creating a reality for

(03:56):
myself, that like creatingstories of probably the
relationship I did want with myparents or places I did want to
go or things I did want to do.
And then there was a timeperiod where I didn't journal at
all because it was where peoplewere going to read what was
really going on in my head.
Yes, which is probably the timein your life you really need to
write it down, right?

Speaker 2 (04:13):
Get it out, to get it out, but I didn't do that for a
long time.

Speaker 1 (04:16):
So that is something that I do bring into empowerment
coaching.
So Nicole actually was my firstlike real empowerment client,
coach, friend, and even thoughwe're friends, she's like I want
to invest in this myself, likeI want to do this for myself.
And now she has graduated andshe's on her own.
We're just friends, but that'sthe point of it for me, like my

(04:41):
philosophy behind the coachingis I'm here, available to you,
to help hold you accountable, tohelp provide you resources
other than myself.
Like I'm not a therapist, nordo I want to be a therapist, I
like to share a lot of livedexperience with people that I
work with, because I feel likeit makes it relatable.

(05:02):
But in therapy world that's notreally.
You don't really do that, whichis why I like the difference.
It's more like life coachingand the accountability factor of
okay, I'm walking into thissituation.
These are your tool reminders,these are your tools, these are
the things we talked about.
But for me I know I've had thatin my own journey and it really

(05:25):
, honestly, every time we talkedor had something going on, it
made me grow more as anindividual.
So it's just as empowering forthe person doing it as it is for
the person receiving it from myperspective anyway.

Speaker 2 (05:38):
Right.
A lot of our conversationswould take me back to like when
was the first time I felt thisway or the first time that I had
this belief, because a lot ofthe coaching is like why do we
have, why do I have, thesebelief systems, why am I feeling
this way?
And it was realizing that Ihave all these programs we all

(05:58):
do, and that was a big part ofmy awakening I'll call it or
whatever when I had like a hugehealth crisis and was going
through relationship stuff andit was like everything I believe
today was given to me and Ijust accepted it, made probably
some tweaks here and there, butI did not come up with any of

(06:20):
this.
But I'm living off of this coreprogram and some of them aren't
working for me.
You know, for me it was a lotof shame.
I was on this path of shame andcreating more reality because I
truly believed I had shame.
For me it came from.
Religion had taught me to beshameful.

(06:40):
Just at the core of its beliefwas like you came into this
world and you're bad.
Shameful.
Just at the core of its beliefwas like you came into this
world and you're bad.
I don't know what I've done yet, but you're bad.
And so I believed, I looked, Ilived life through that lens of
I'm bad and the expectation wasnever attainable.
And at some point I juststopped trying to live up to
that expectation and so theshame spiral continued and it

(07:05):
showed up in different ways inmy life.
That was always kind of present.
But when we would talk about itit was like but I'm creating
this, like I don't have to ownthis anymore, I don't have to
live this program anymore, like.
So I when the journaling for meand I would write I have this
belief, this limiting belief ofshame.

(07:26):
And then I would start to writelike here's all these times I
didn't experience shame, where Ihave been successful and I have
felt worthy, and it was likerewriting my belief system.
But I don't think for me Icould have gotten there unless I
wrote it out, because it's likehere's proof, because a lot of
times and for us we need to seeproof of what we're talking

(07:47):
about, which is how we builtthat belief in the first place
we found all these circumstancesthat backed that up and we're
like see, yes, you did feelshame, you did something
shameful, you did somethingthat's like.
But then there's also all theseother things where I did not, I
was not shameful and I forgot.
It's easy to look over those,but journaling in that way for
me was and it's still, helpful.

(08:09):
I still do it.
When I have a feeling or anexperience that I don't like, I
go back to like what beliefsystem do I have?
That's creating this experience.
And my husband always laughs atme.
I'm like your beliefs createyour reality.
It's true, right, I'm like thisis like real stuff here, so,
and I feel like not to get toomuch into the religion piece of

(08:32):
it, but I do feel like allreligions teach you that in some
capacity, that your beliefs,your faith, create your life.
So it's, but you don't.
I feel like most of the worldis walking around unaware what
their beliefs are.
They have them and they couldprobably tell you some off the
top of their head, but when youdig down into the life they've

(08:54):
created, you're running off ofcore belief systems that you
don't even realize you have, anda lot of them you probably want
out of.
So there's the way, and I dofeel like there's so many
resources and tools out there.
Journaling works really well,you know, for me and you, but I
feel like for people that areafraid to try it, just start
with like a simple prompt oflike what am I feeling?

Speaker 1 (09:17):
Right, or what are my needs?
What are my needs, yeah.
And I just read this awesomebook called Nonviolent
Communication.
I think I sent you that one.
It's so good and I'm prettysure everyone at work is reading
it now too.
But it's really impactfulbecause what that taught me is
to observe myself inconversations.

(09:38):
So say, you're having aconversation with your parents
and you're starting to getanxious and it's like oh, it's
coming so it really.
It really sheds light on us andour opportunity to observe like
what is alive inside of us isthe way he puts it, like what is

(09:59):
alive inside of you right now.
Since I read it we've reallykind of been laughing.

Speaker 2 (10:03):
You want to know.

Speaker 1 (10:04):
Four-year-olds like freaking out and I'm like what's
alive inside of you right now.
I read it.

Speaker 2 (10:07):
We've really kind of been laughing.

Speaker 1 (10:07):
You want to know Four year olds like freaking out and
I'm like it's alive inside ofyou right now, brody.
We kind of laugh about it, butit's true, because I mean not to
put her biz out there, but I'mgoing to anyway, because it's a
great example.
It's the most recent example ismy daughter's talking to her
first male friend.
Friend, and at first what wasalive inside of me is like, oh

(10:28):
shit, all the things, all thethings are alive.
All the alert.
Have anyone seen?

Speaker 2 (10:34):
inside out.
I think it's all the things allthe people in my head are.

Speaker 1 (10:37):
But you know I've done so much work internally
writing that 14 year old crystalletters.
I mean I literally spent allsummer pouring into Tatum and
processing through my own 14year old trauma before because I
knew I had all the feels withher going to high school.
But also I'm able to step backand observe she's handling this.

Speaker 2 (11:00):
She has way more tools in her toolbox, I mean her
toolbox overfloweth.

Speaker 1 (11:04):
I had a pretty smile walking into my, like I, in a
lot of crazy examples of whatattention was, what affection
was, what positive attentionnegative, and it just like it
was dysfunction for me but it'snot for her.
So really summer I was able togo back to like digging deep in

(11:28):
the journaling, digging deep inprocessing, writing 14-year-old
crystal letters, like hey,you're doing awesome, like she.
I don't think she knew howawesome she was and so in that
she lost confidence and lookedfor love in all the wrong places
and you know she was attentionseeking but insecure, and not

(11:51):
that I didn't have.
I look back now and I had greatteenage years.
I look like I like to my mind'seye now it does Like I was just
struggling through normalthings.

Speaker 2 (12:01):
Right.

Speaker 1 (12:02):
However, I got myself into a couple of situations.
It was really hard, yeah.
So going back, just like youwere saying, going back into
those journals, like what isthis belief system for me?
Not all teenagers are going togo buck wild and crazy.
Right, that is a belief, thatis something that we've, just
society has like they don't haveto.
Right, if you're right, if weaccept and honor Like I am, have

(12:27):
to right if we accept and honorlike I am.

Speaker 2 (12:28):
So, like now, until point I'm so excited, yeah, that
she gets to experience this andlike the whole talking and in a
healthy way.

Speaker 1 (12:32):
Yeah, so it's not that.
Oh no, boys allowed, I'm notgonna, because what does that do
?

Speaker 2 (12:36):
okay, we all been down that road that doesn't work
okay.

Speaker 1 (12:42):
So for me, it's really allowed me to open the
landscape, honor and accept thispart of the journey, because
it's part of all of our journeys.
Right, these are beautiful,healthy and opportunities for
her to experience healthyconnections, like even some of
the stuff she's shared with me.
And you know about otherfriends making comments and

(13:03):
she's like, well, you know what,that's their experience, it's
not my experience.
And I'm like, yes, I'm sittingand I don't want to be too
overboard because I'm like, oh,yeah, you're right, that is I
did.
I told her.
I was like I'm really proud ofhow you're navigating this.
Yeah, because we don't.
You know what is that?
When you go to high school,it's like, oh, they're just
going to go crazy.
They're just, you know,disrespectful teenagers.

(13:25):
They're just going to go crazy.
We're going to either shelterthem or we're just going to I
don't know.
I think our generation isreally owning that type of
parenthood more.
I see gentle parenting.
I don't know about gentleparenting.

Speaker 2 (13:38):
I think it's more conscious parenting, and I read
Dr.

Speaker 1 (13:40):
Shefali's conscious parent book and I really think
that that's the route that I'mtrying to take.
It's just understanding.
They have needs, they havewants, they have opportunity for
growth here and if we can allowthem to have these
relationships while they're inour homes and under our roofs,

(14:05):
then we can create a healthybalance with that.
But I will say I was only ableto get to that point even this
weekend by writing it down andprocessing like where did this
come from for me?
Am I projecting my ownexperiences into this chapter?
That's not fair to me, it's notfair to her, it's not fair to

(14:27):
anyone else in the picture, andI couldn't have done that unless
I went back to just like youwere saying what is this core
belief?

Speaker 2 (14:35):
Right, and I think too we want to save them from
the pain we went through, soit's like.
But we also have to realizeshe's not me, my child's not me,
and we do know better and havedone it.
As much as we're hard onourselves, we forget to give
ourselves credit that we haveAll the time.

Speaker 1 (14:53):
All the time, and that, I think, has been
something too, like thegratitude practice that we've
really talked about and, likeyou said earlier, not just
talking about things you'renervous about or your failures
or your worries, because thatkeeps us stuck there, right, and
that's one of the things with.

(15:13):
I actually read this other bookthat's really great, called the
Awakened Brain, and she talksabout how she went to do this
residency in this psych hospitalin New York and how each doctor
, like the patients, would seedifferent doctors all the time
and each one would ask them whathappened to you.
And it's like, okay, well, ifwe're just continuing to ask

(15:33):
them what happened to them,we're keeping them stuck in that
picture.
So if we keep thinking aboutand that's what depression is
essentially it's going overthose old patterns so much that
we're not allowing ourselves tostay open to.
But look at me now, like it mayhave happened to me, but I'm
surviving and I have theopportunity for a new adventure

(15:54):
or a new like chance, and it'salmost like giving yourself a
second chance.
But I think in some ways we'rekind of conditioned to feel like
it's selfish, yes, orself-gloating, and, mind you,
there is an ego out there thatcan be a strong force.
However, it's a difference inexpressing self-gratitude and

(16:16):
appreciation for how far you'vecome, or the person that you are
, or the values that you carry,or the way that you parent, the
way that your relationships.
That's okay.

Speaker 2 (16:27):
Right, I think too, like what you're saying is out
of survival, we have learned tofocus on the bad because it's
like this has happened.
So how can I keep looking?
I need to keep looking for thisso I make sure it doesn't
happen again, right, but reallywhat we just do is recreate that
because we're so focused andjournaling specifically on

(16:48):
gratitude, I think pulls it,forces you to pull this out of
your brain and go.
But look at all these goodthings that have happened and

(17:10):
can continuing to happen, evenat a time, specifically, when
I've looked back at really lowpoints in my life, journaling
the good that was happening,because I did not appreciate any
good happening at those times.
It's like, okay, so even if theworst happens again, there was
still a lot of good that washappening in some of your
previous worst situations andthere will be in the future.

(17:33):
But I think having thatgratitude changes your body
composition to go.
There is so much that I havegoing right for me, and if I can
condition my mind to think moreabout these things than the bad
, more good things will happen.
Even Savannah, my six-year-old,will say your words are very
powerful, and so apparently I'vesaid that enough to her that

(17:54):
she reminds me when I'm in themidst of complaining about
something.
Mom, your words are verypowerful.

Speaker 1 (18:00):
Just wait, just wait.
You got a long road with that,that's perfect.

Speaker 2 (18:04):
We need those reminders.

Speaker 1 (18:05):
Yes, Because sometimes we can't see ourselves
Right and our words are verypowerful and I mean, let's just
be real.
The words that come out of ourmouth are nothing compared to
the shit that goes on in ourhead, right?

Speaker 2 (18:16):
Yes.
And I don't care who you are.

Speaker 1 (18:19):
You can go ahead and admit that to yourself Step one
of empowerment is realizing thethings that go on your head, and
it's okay, because what is it?
It's past beliefs, it'ssocietal pressures, it's
external stuff.
It's just thoughts.
Right, it's just thoughts, andthe great thing is we have

(18:41):
control over that.
We have control and, honestly,what you were saying about
gratitude, it does.
It changes your body on acellular level.

Speaker 2 (18:49):
It changes the chemistry in your brain.
There's studies that have beendone.
Dr Joe Dispenza if you look atany of his work he has his book
Becoming Supernatural.
There's a whole 20 pages inthere of studies they have done
with like machines and hooked upto people's brains and their
bodies and their bodiesliterally changing on the inside

(19:10):
, their dna is changing whilethey're having these thoughts of
gratitude and I'm I you justcan't deny when it comes down to
that.
So it's like and these peopleare doing it, they're capturing
like a 30 minute window.
So just imagine if you did thisevery day for consistently and
strung so many days along, likeyou would start to really change
your life.

Speaker 1 (19:30):
A hundred percent.
I mean, I changed my brain, ohyeah.

Speaker 2 (19:32):
Me too.
I am not the same person.

Speaker 1 (19:34):
No, I was two, three years ago or a year ago.

Speaker 2 (19:36):
I mean, but I think it's that intentional.
What am I doing to change Right?
Because if you rely on, youhear people say, this is just
what always happens, or this isjust my luck, and it's like
because you've chosen that thisis your and that's what you're
manifesting that energy forRight?
So, and it's kind of like Iknow we talk a lot about the
victim mentality, like I justlike it bothers me, and but

(20:01):
that's also because I think Ihave played my own role in being
a victim at times, and so it'slike, ok, I don't ever want to
go back to that.
But when you realize I havecontrol over my thoughts, like
there's no one that can tell mewhat to think, and that's 100
percent me.
So I can, I can rewire my brainEssentially it's.
It sounds easy, but it is work,and I think that's why you have

(20:24):
to find what works for you andwhether that be meditating or
reading a book or listening to apodcast, for us journaling is
huge because it just literallybrings to life things.
Or let go of things, becausefor me, a lot of changing who I
was wasn't doing something, butletting go of something.
And that's hard because we'redoers, we're like constant, like

(20:46):
efficiency machines.
And so, if I don't, have proofof what I'm doing.
It's hard to continue it, butwhen it comes to your mind and
energy, the only proof is yourlife.
Like is your life changing?
Are things, your circumstanceschanging?
And journaling it out for me,and I burn a lot of them.
Oh yeah, oh yeah, I don't everwant anyone to find and if

(21:12):
anything ever happens to me,crystal has to come, get all my
journals and take them, promise.

Speaker 1 (21:17):
Promise, promise.
There's a certain safe.
You have the key.
I actually posted that before Iwent paragliding in Switzerland
.

Speaker 2 (21:31):
I'm like, okay, Kelsey knows where they are, and
Marie, you're in charge ofburning them.

Speaker 1 (21:37):
I will definitely be that person for you.
I did this whole retreatjourney with my girlfriend, um
Lauren, another friend, jenSmith.
She's amazing, she's a greatretreat host and we did some
journaling and I rememberwatching it burn and I was like

(22:01):
it's gone and I really wanted tobe like one of those memes, you
see, where the girl's likedancing around the fire, like I
felt so free.
I mean, call me a witch butthat was so freeing.
It was amazing to just I couldfeel it, releasing for my body
and I've done that with some ofthe retreats.
Since the retreats that I host,we do some journal burning and

(22:23):
you know part of the gratitude,which I think is fantastic and I
love and it's really important.
We've also done some um, somefuck you letters, yes, um, which
is really impactful.

Speaker 2 (22:35):
I mean, I've done them to myself, I've done them
to my spouse, which is reallyimpactful.

Speaker 1 (22:41):
Yes, I mean, I've done them to myself.
I've done them to my spouse,I've done them to my family,
I've done them to my spiritguides, I've done them to you
know.
Seriously, though, but I alwaysfollow up with a gratitude
letter, yeah, because getting tothe root of the pain or the

(23:01):
remorse or what the needs thatweren't met, is really what it
was Like there were needs thatweren't met in some phase of my
life, which caused something tocome alive inside of me right.
Where there'd be anger orsadness or pain or anxiety,
whatever.
So you're able to reallyrelease that because you get it

(23:22):
out of your brain, you processit.
So the power of writing it downor even talking about it and I
think that you know, for usbuilding a sense of community
has been huge too, because weknow we can talk to each other
Right, or we know we havecertain people we can chat with
in our lives and there's certainpeople that we can't really
chat with everything about, andhonestly, I think those walls
are breaking down even more.

(23:42):
And here we are, the gate isopen, because that's being
authentic, it's like being ableto be yourself and talk about
all the things and knowing thatif it makes someone else
uncomfortable, that's theirstuff.
That's their stuff.

Speaker 2 (23:59):
Right, that's been huge for me too, and you know
I've had a lot of health stuffwith my throat, so my throat
chakra has been vibing for, ornot vibing for a long time and
we're yeah, it's been inpurgatory.
So we're letting that thing outand it's.
I think it's just my own storythat, like, people don't want to

(24:20):
hear this, they don't want youto say this.
This is not what the Christiangirl would say and this doesn't
fit our narrative.
So you be small, so we staycomfortable and I don't want to
live like that anymore andyou're not.
I'm like I'm not doing anythingbad and that's the story I've
told myself.
No one specifically said you'rebeing bad by sharing your story.

(24:43):
You assume people think you'rebeing bad by sharing your story
You've told.
You assume people think you'rebeing bad by telling your story
but, like you said, who's goingto hear it and go?
That's a relief to hear someonewith a similar background or
that knows me or what I've beenthrough is acting up.

(25:04):
Oh there she goes.
Oh there it goes.
It's like stop talking.
No, that that someone couldrelate to it and it would also
empower them to find yourauthentic is going to look
different than my authentic, sodon't feel like it has to look
like mine for it to be right.
You know that's the whole pointof this podcast.
Right, it's to find your yeah,yeah is it's like if one person

(25:26):
finds something valuable in oneof the conversations that I
release.
That is why I'm doing this, notdoing it for the likes subs.

Speaker 1 (25:33):
That's why I'm not doing a YouTube channel.
I feel like this is one pointin my life where I want to be
heard and not seen.
And for me, I think, when Istart to visualize things or I'm
a visual person, I getdistracted and I don't hear the
message because I'm looking atoh look, oh wow.
Look at her eye makeup.
Looks really pretty today.

Speaker 2 (25:54):
I'm like that's me.
I'm like oh, I really like heroutfit, and then I'm not hearing
anything that's going on.

Speaker 1 (26:02):
So that's what's been impactful and that when, when I
took the six-week break thissummer yeah, I missed it, like I
realized how much getting onand connecting with people and
talking about things, and evenwhen even cream, who does
filming, he's like you know,you're different when you come
in by yourself.
He's like you just kind of sitin and it's like your verbal
journal and it really is becauseit allows me that next level.

Speaker 2 (26:25):
Oh, totally.

Speaker 1 (26:27):
To process Right, which has been huge.
So I'm like, okay, well, that'scoming back into my.
Actually it took a break andI'm bringing everything back.
I'm not, I'm not fooling.
I declined a couple events, butI'm bringing everything back.
But it just really assures methat I'm in the alignment and in
the place that I'm supposed tobe right now.
And is it going to last forever?
Probably not.
No, nothing lasts forever, butit's in this season, like.

(26:48):
This is the season, and itfeels good to surround myself
with people like yourself whoare wanting this for themselves.

Speaker 2 (26:59):
Yes, and not everyone does.

Speaker 1 (27:01):
Right, and that's okay.
Like I saw something the otherday that's like not everyone is
here to evolve and grow and weneed to accept that and I'm like
that's impactful it is Becauseit's like that surrendering of
you know, going back to beingproductive and efficient.

Speaker 2 (27:16):
It's like I want to help, I want to serve, I want to
help and it's.
But some people don't want that, nor are they ready for that.
And you know some of the stufffrom religion I still hold on
very dear to my heart, andthere's a scripture that says
don't throw your pearls amongstswine, and what it just means is
not everybody wants to hearwhat you have to say all the
time, right.

(27:36):
But I know whoever's meant tohear it will find it at the
right time, right.
But I'm not going to go aroundtelling random people that I
think they should startjournaling because they've
clearly got some shit going on.
Although I may think it Right,maybe I'll journal about it.
Right, this is what I thinkwould really help this person.
But I also think but it goesback to like why is that person

(28:00):
making me feel alive inside?
And a lot of times it's becauseI look back at my past and I'm
frustrated with a past versionof myself when I was not open to
evolving or thought I hadevolved Right, which is a joke
to think about, like who mightthink about this chapter right
now?

Speaker 1 (28:19):
Who?

Speaker 2 (28:19):
knows.
But I, you know, at some pointsin my life I not that I thought
I had it all together, but Iwas like this is as good as it's
going to get, and I wish Icould go back to that version,
those versions of myself, andsay it gets so much better.
I promise you it does.
Just hang in there.

Speaker 1 (28:37):
But you, I feel like for me, I have to keep focused
on evolving, whatever that lookslike Right and a big part in
this season of my life issurrendering and that's so hard
and I have all these so kindlyit's so hard because I just want
to do.

Speaker 2 (28:54):
you know, like, just tell me what to do and I'll do
it.
I've been like that my wholelife, whether it be with sports
or work or anything like.
I'm just like let me satisfy arole and then I can receive
whatever I'm earned.
I have now earned and it's likeyou know, like you work for I
mean, that's a belief that Ihave, that I'm also working
through is that you have to workhard for anything that's worth

(29:17):
having.
You have to work hard, and I'mokay with working hard.
But I think that's the path,the only path, to what I want in
life.
And it's not.
And so I'm learning.
It's good to have all thesevisions and all these things,
but it doesn't have to happenlike yesterday, like let it
unfold in its time, andjournaling going back to that

(29:40):
has helped.
Like, okay, well, one day, whenall these things happen, what
will that look like and whatwill that feel like?
And it's like I get to feel alittle bit of that now and
that's enough for me to go.
Okay, I trust that I've hadthis vision and these feelings
long enough that it's going tohappen.
But I just need to like followmy path and right now, that's
surrendering to this season oflife and that's being a mom and

(30:02):
a wife and you stay-at-home mom,so that's like a big piece of
of me.
And that's hard too, because,yeah, and I have a boutique and
this looks like I'm juggling allthese balls and sometimes I
just have to like slow down andthink just take it day by day.
And that's hard sometimes.
But when you have people inyour life that can relate and

(30:28):
say, yes, surrender is good.
And it goes back to knowing whoin your circle you can talk to
about these things, because Iknow there are certain people
and I don't mean I mean this inthe most loving way that I don't
share everything because Idon't like where it takes me, or
they're at a place where theconversation isn't going to
build me up or us.
Either of us, we just kind ofget in the pit of things Right

(30:50):
and it's like that's, I knowthat, and I know that that can
change at any point too, andthat's healthy boundaries for
you too, right.
For me too, yeah, cause I'm likeI know I will get down in the
weeds with this and then we'llboth get off the phone and be
like what I mean?
Like now I feel terrible, worseabout all of it, right, like we
didn't solve anything.
And not that everything issolvable, right, but sometimes
it's just knowing, like when wetalk about things, like you're

(31:13):
valid in what you feel and Iknow that you're working on this
, or you know like, or you willremind me, remember when we did
write those a few letters, likemaybe this is a time for one of
those or a gratitude letter,yeah, or a gratitude letter so
or a long walk or a workout, orwe're very similar in the way
that we do process and and runthrough life and I love that you

(31:35):
pointed that out, because I wasvery much raised and, uh, if
you don't work hard, forget it.

Speaker 1 (31:42):
You don't work hard, you don't like it.
It's like I had this.
I don't know, I'm sure it'sgeneration, it goes back
generations, because there'spart of me and I saw something
the other day and it really itbrought something alive inside
of me because it was like, asmoms, what does it make sense?
Why are we working to paysomeone else to raise our
children?

Speaker 2 (32:01):
I saw that.
Yeah, I've seen that too.

Speaker 1 (32:03):
OK, that for me was like, but I'm not.

Speaker 2 (32:09):
What did that bring to?

Speaker 1 (32:10):
life.
What it brought alive in me wasoh my God, I'm abandoning my
children, I'm just havingsomeone else keep them, and I
had to really take a step backand it's like listen.
Okay, when Tatum was little,you worked because you had to.

Speaker 2 (32:23):
Right Like that was survival.
There was no other option.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (32:26):
But you also had a very flexible schedule.
You got to take her with youmost of the time you did all the
room mom things.
I've always been a veryintentional mom, because I
didn't really have that growingup from my mom.
I had it from my nana.
And then, you know, when, um,the kids were, we blended

(32:46):
families and the kids were allin grade school, I did class mom
.
I was class mom for a couple ofthem, you know, at a time, and
I did all the things.
I still traveled with Matt whenhe would travel back then Cause
he was traveling more, but thatwas when they were at their
other parents' house.
So I had a balance with it.
But I think deep down inside ofme I always had this trigger
for lack of a better word of I'man absent mom or I'm not there

(33:07):
for my kids, and I was like well, what else are you going to do?
You can't go to school with themand it is healthy for them to
see their other parents.
It is yes, you got a divorceand you now have a blended
family.
But there's many families likethat and that's okay.
It's part of their journey andpart of their experience and I
feel like they've.
You know, we've all had our upsand downs and all arounds, but

(33:29):
they've been able to witnessthis healing journey between you
know, all of us you know, thereare other sets of parents and
us and how we've navigated thisand I feel like we've all done
all right.

Speaker 2 (33:39):
I think they're all great kids so far.
I don't know if they might alltell you differently, but I feel
like we've done a great jobnavigating that.

Speaker 1 (33:47):
But deep down for me, when I saw that the other day
because you know, now I do havea little bit more flexibility in
what I could do with my careerpath or my life, and I am
choosing to work, or my life,and I am choosing to work- and,

(34:08):
but I'm also choosing to do workthat fuels my soul right, and I
think that that is the bestversion of you for your kids and
I'm showing them, like the workthat I'm doing is giving by its
community outreach.
It's it's helping other people.
So I'm still able to use mylike I don't.
I don't like the term servantheart because I think it just
sounds weird, but I really dohave an intrinsic motivation to

(34:29):
help people to, to share myselfand my gifts and my humor and
whatever it is to help peoplethrive and my resources to help
families, you know, get off toand have the resources they need
to succeed, whether that beacademically, with scholarships
or resources in the community orchildcare or clothing or

(34:50):
whatever it is.
But I've always been that way.
But I also think I was raisedin a household where my Nana
very much had that mentality andeven my mom has that mentality.
And that's what mentality, andeven my mom has that mentality
and that's what?
Yeah, she just has that more ofthe give back, give back.
So that's where it was mygrandfather, I think I got the
work hard Like you got to workfor it, you got to sweat it out,

(35:13):
you got to like and I thinkthat comes from a fear they had
that if I don't instill this inthem, I will fail them or you
will survive, right Cause I camefrom very humble beginnings.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and that'strue, and it's like, okay, well,
that's their stuff, it's not mystuff right I'm still trying to
, I'm still, I'm still wearingreally hard.

Speaker 2 (35:35):
And so I know and I think going to that, the meme
that you saw.
I think it's so easy, because Isee memes like that too, and
they're so blanketed right, andwe immediately apply it to
ourselves it.

Speaker 1 (35:45):
It's like oh well, the shame spiral comes over Like
it's someone made like a wholecanva about him.

Speaker 2 (35:51):
It's got to be perfect, it's got to be official
, it's like it's on social media.
But it's like that's justsomeone's opinion about you know
like, and it just looksdifferent for all of us.
Whatever motherhood looks like,you know like.
I was different with Savannahthan I am with Tiffany and I
just trust that this is our path.
This was how I was with her, ishow I was meant to be at that

(36:13):
time in her life, and thatthere's something that's causing
me to be with Tiffany more.
I don't know what it is, but I.
It's an undeniable feeling thatI have and at some point I know
I'm going to kick her out ofthe nest a little bit more.
But it's just different.
I feel like it's just differentall the time.
But you know, I think it is.
We do compare ourselves when wesee stuff like that on social

(36:35):
media and like well, am I livingup to this standard of like?
But that's somebody else'sstuff that they felt the need to
.

Speaker 1 (36:43):
Yeah, and going back to that, I think it's important
for us to know our purpose, andthat's how I kind of reeled
myself back in for it Just likeyou said with Tiffany, like you
are spending more time here.
Well, when Savannah was little,you had a different purpose,
like you wanted to still work inthe workplace and you still
work corporately.

Speaker 2 (37:03):
But you had a great balance right, I felt like I was
doing the right thing.
Right, I did.
I felt I mean I knew when itwas time for me to go back to
work.
It was almost like I woke upone day and was like I need to
go to work, I need to like mymental capacity right now needs
me to be at work.
And Savannah thrived in daycareand still like is in dance with
like a couple of girls fromdaycare now.

(37:23):
So I'm like it all kind ofcomes back full circle of like
starting to see like this reallydid work for us during all of
that and so I didn't ruin her.

Speaker 1 (37:34):
I think moms know the souls that their children have
and what they need.
I agree Because, same withTatum, she was very sweet, she
could go anywhere, do anything,she got along with everyone.
She had like a nanny, and herdad and I would rotate schedules
until she was about two andthen she went to daycare and she
loved it.
She's social.

Speaker 2 (37:53):
Right, it says Savannah too yeah.

Speaker 1 (37:55):
And then she went to school and I think part of me
looks back and it's the wholeshame Like, oh, I should have
done this, I could have doneit's like.

Speaker 2 (38:07):
why am I doing that to myself?
Why Like?

Speaker 1 (38:09):
and I am, I know better.
It's like what is again?
What does that bring inside?

Speaker 2 (38:13):
of you.

Speaker 1 (38:14):
What it brings alive inside of me is she's you know,
yeah, but it also encourages meto just be present in all the
moments, just like I was then.
Yeah, it's like I could lookback and be like, wow, I worked
so much when she was little, butyou also did a lot of fun, cool
things with just you and herand you all.

(38:34):
So it's what we choose to focuson, like you said earlier it's
like what are we choosing tofocus on?
And with Brody, same thing.
I know he's my last baby Rightand it goes by so fast and he's
just getting he's really bigLike.
So I'm trying to soak it all inbecause I know it's my last
Right.
I get that.
And it's letting go of theattachment and appreciating the

(39:01):
moments all in one Right.
And that's one thing.
And my journey I've really hadto learn to let go of is the
attachment of things, theattachment to the idea that
Tatum's going to be a littlegirl forever.
She's not.
She's a beautiful young ladyand she's thriving.
So by letting go of theattachment and not expecting her
to be this little girl thatlikes Disney princesses and

(39:23):
wants to go to Disney world allthe time, and accepting that
she's just in a really socialphase and she's hanging with her
friends and she's, I've beenable to really release those
attachments.
But journaling has reallyhelped me with that.
Um, coaching has really helpedme with that.
Like talking through it withyou, talking through it with
Kathy, my life coach, talkingthrough it with because people
understand like we all haveattachments to things, right?

Speaker 2 (39:43):
It's like when we focus on the expectation we wish
we had had, we miss out on whatwe could enjoy.
That is actually happening.
We miss out on what is the goodthat is happening because we're
so focused on what didn't orwhat we thought throat chakra.
What we thought should behappening and that's been big

(40:04):
for me too.
That I've realized throughjournaling is the expectations I
have on myself and on others,because that's where a lot of my
pain has come from.
It's like did this personreally fail you or did they fail
your expectations?
Because they also have theirown stuff going on and like they
, most of the time, I haverealized whoever it is that I
feel like has hurt me has noidea because they there was no

(40:27):
intention to hurt me.
They were doing the best theycould with what they had.
And I have talking to Hallie.
Actually, this makes me thinkthat she said something to me
like you're not.
No one's ever going to misswhat's meant for you, right?

Speaker 1 (40:42):
you can't.

Speaker 2 (40:44):
And for me that's hard because I'm like, well and
you know, because that goes backto like, did I do something
right or wrong?
And it's like but you'relooking through life as the in a
lens of right or wrong andthere's, there really isn't it's
just what is.

Speaker 1 (40:57):
Matt said that to someone the other night I don't
know, I guess dinner and Ithought the guy was like looked
at me and I had like eight heads.
He's like I try to practicenon-belief and that there's
really no right or wrong, itjust is and it was silent for a
minute, because our humancondition is like oh no, but
there is actually and people canso easily go.

Speaker 2 (41:17):
But look at all this bad, look at all this bad.
I hear you, but if you justtake your world, you know like
turn the news off, please, yes,and just look at your small
world.
There really isn't Like there,just is what is, and you're
assigning meaning to things inyour life.
But I could live your life andassign a totally different

(41:37):
meaning to what's happening andlive a totally different life
with your same circumstances.
Right, because I believe itdifferently than what you're
perceiving them as and when youthink of it.
That way, sometimes I willjournal.
This is probably crazy, but Iwill journal as if I'm somebody
else writing about my life,because it helps me change my
perspective on what's happening,which may be a little you know

(42:01):
I, I like it.

Speaker 1 (42:02):
Who do you pretend to be?

Speaker 2 (42:12):
I'm curious now.
Her name's Brianna.
Brianna likes to remind me thatthere are a lot of good things
in life.
So I had this revelation over ayear ago when I would run.
I started having these visionsof all these versions of me, and
a lot of them are.
I don't like it.
So I start out on this marathonand there's these versions of
me not good versions of Nicolebut then they get better as I
keep running and they're allcheering me on.
Even the worst versions of meare like please, don't stop,

(42:33):
please.
And I get to the end andthere's I've called her Brianna.
She's like my higher self rightand she's like you will get here
if you just stay focused on thegood.
So I will sometimes write asher, which is a non-objective
you know, like it's just justlike not taking things
personally, like she's living inheaven, like we're all good, we

(42:57):
all, we make it in the end,like you're gonna be just fine.
But you're so focused on thissmall little thing that you're
creating more of this feelingbecause you're so focused on it.
But if you would just like pullyour head out of your ass,
really is what you're saying andlook at all that is good and is
to come.
Because, thinking like two yearsago, if I knew all the good

(43:18):
that was coming into my life, Iwould have been like, oh well,
I'm not going to stress anymore.
We all would right.

Speaker 1 (43:21):
Like I would have been like, oh well, I'm not
going to stress anymore Like weall would right, like if we all
knew, like, oh well, that's notso bad, right, kids went to the
fair and they all survived,wouldn't even stress.
But you know what, like anythinglike that, it's true.
I mean, that's kind of when Iwas in Switzerland and I was
paragliding and I was so faraway from everything and just

(43:43):
gliding through the sky, it kindof gave me that same
perspective is just take a stepback, yes, yes, if you take
yourself out of it, if you'refeeling a life come into things
are coming alive inside of youtake a step back and it's like
big picture.
What does this look like?
What does this look like in 10minutes?
Much less.

(44:03):
Five years, 10 years, 20 years.

Speaker 2 (44:06):
If I knew everything was going to work out for me,
would I be worried right now?

Speaker 1 (44:09):
No, none of us would it does like a spoiler alert.

Speaker 2 (44:12):
It does all work out.
No it does the way it'ssupposed to, the way it's yeah.
Whatever's supposed to happen isgoing to happen, and that's
what comes back.
Surrender, it's just like juststop.
And so I'm listening to Dr JoeDispenza.
He does this trick, I thinkit's him.

(44:32):
But when you're stressed andyou can't seem to pull your head
out of a situation, pretendthat your eyes are disconnected
from your brain and immediatelyyou are just observing, you're
not thinking.
So like, take this practice andjust like close your eyes and
then say, okay, I'm just goingto look through my eyes, as if
my brain's disconnected from myeyes.
But it allows you to just like.
If I was, if I would justplopped down here in this body

(44:54):
as a nobody, I wouldn't have anyopinions on my life.

Speaker 1 (44:56):
Right, I would just be here, you would just be here,
experiencing, and that's thepower of being present as you
are here.
Yes, but I think but if thathappened today, we wouldn't have
all this stuff to talk about,right?
Yes, but I think that's what weand I know I really always
strive for is being in the nowdoes it always happen no, but I

(45:19):
try my hardest to be present inmy moments and that's something
I realize I struggle with stillbecause life is picking back up.
Right, and I do.
I'm sure when I open my email,there's plenty of them I need to
reply to, or there's plenty ofpeople I need to call, or
appointments I need to make orthings I need to arrange, but
you don't always have to do itin this moment.

(45:40):
Yes, we have life duties andresponsibilities and I think
that that's something I've hadpeople ask me like well, if we
were all in our now, we wouldnever get anything done, would
we?
And I'm like yes, but you coulddo it with grace.
You can still prioritize andplan, but you don't have to be
in those moments Like you cansay oh, I'm going to make the

(46:02):
doctor's appointment forso-and-so.
And then you move on from it.

Speaker 2 (46:08):
You don't have to say , oh, and I should pick this up
and I need to do this and whatoutfit am I going to wear?

Speaker 1 (46:11):
And you know, are we going to get lunch before?
Are we going to get lunch Like?
Those are the things that ourbrains do by default, like we're
in default mode.
We're all planners, I feel like, because it's survival right,
and that's exactly what I mean.

Speaker 2 (46:24):
My brain scan showed me like we were going back to
our conversation earlier.

Speaker 1 (46:27):
I literally changed my brain because I wasn't going
in the past and wasn't going inthe future all the time.
And that is what PTSD is it isbeing in both being in both all
the time.
It's that I well, mine wascomplex.
It was like constantly survivalmode, Like okay, if this
happens, then because thathappened before, this might
happen again and I wasconstantly planning my survival

(46:50):
and planning my life andunknowingly, Right.

Speaker 2 (46:54):
Like unknowingly, and I felt happy, I felt fine,
right yeah.

Speaker 1 (46:57):
But realizing how much stress it caused to my
nervous system was just alwayson high, right On fire, right
and yes.
And so by decluttering a lot ofmy life in many ways and taking
out some stuff like alcohol andcaffeine for a while and just
allowing my system to settle, Iwas able to get back to it.

(47:19):
And now I'm like, wow, I realizewith my life, because I am
choosing to do a lot of this, Iam choosing to it.
And now I'm like, wow, Irealized with my life, because I
am choosing to do a lot of this, I am choosing to work, I am
choosing to podcast and docoaching and, to be honest, when
I took the break over thesummer, I took a break from
coach.
I took a break from all of that, as you know, and I needed it.
And so I'm not out there like,oh, I need 20 clients, I'm going

(47:39):
to have a wait list.
No, no, no, no.
If people want to do stuff likethis, it will come, it will
come.
I just feel like it's, it'spart of the journey right it
will.
Opportunities will come here andthere, Like I was.
You know, a friend asked me tobe on the cover of the Sarasota
magazine in July.
Sure, why not?
I didn't seek it, it just came.
And then, oh well, do you wantto do the swimming on the scene
article?
Sure, that sounds like fun, butit wasn't seeking it.

(48:02):
I feel like when we live inthat seeking mentality is when
we stay in our heads, becauseit's constantly like, and I'm
all about having motivation.
But I've changed what thatlooks like for me.

Speaker 2 (48:13):
It was like you can't get out of you can't get out of
your own way.
When you're constantly tryingto plan things just right, I
feel like we're not allowing forit.
What's trying to come throughcan't come through.
Like if you had been stilldoing all the things and
sarasota magazine just using usas an example, I called you.
You could have been like no,I've got way too much going on,

(48:34):
I can't do that.
Because it was like within afew days, like right, but you
were allowing in a season ofallowing and like knew you
needed some rest yellow goodthings right.

Speaker 1 (48:43):
Good things Right.
Take some pictures.

Speaker 2 (48:46):
But we hear a lot that say to a lot of people say
stuff like that, like, forexample, how many friends do all
of us know that they werelooking for their partner and
looking and looking and dating,and dating and then, when they
gave up, they found their, theirspouse or people that are
trying to get pregnant.
They finally gave up, they letgo.

Speaker 1 (49:08):
And then, trying to get pregnant, they finally gave
up, they let go, and then theyyou know, yeah, it's because we
stop putting so much pressure onourselves to what has to happen
.

Speaker 2 (49:12):
And I mean I'm preaching to myself here because
I am same same, constantlytrying to like, plan things out,
because it does go back tosurvival.
If I don't plan it, who willlike?
So you're like.
People say, like so nothing'sgonna happen.

Speaker 1 (49:20):
Like no oh, I'm already planning my 40th
birthday party.
It's in april, I mean, it'salready in april, it's in
february.
Two kids birthday parties inapril?
Um, yeah, no, so I, I totallyget it.
Yeah, that's funny.
But, to the root of me, why didI start planning my 40th
birthday party?
A because I want one.

(49:42):
B because I don't want anyoneelse to F it up.
C I know what I want.
And D I want to travel duringthat time.
So I again, the planner, thecontroller in me, has taken over
this little project, and I'mwell aware of admitting that

(50:02):
no-transcript, that's going tohappen two weeks before.
I don't know, I don't know who.

Speaker 2 (50:07):
I'm going to want to be around.
Right, that's it.
I'll just scope everyone'senergy at that point and we'll
see.

Speaker 1 (50:17):
Who makes the cut.
I don't know.
I'm like you know, by then I'llprobably change my mind about
everything else.
Cancel, just cancel.
I'm just going to the beach forthe day, but it's interesting
because I did notice that aboutmyself.
It's like the work, the planner,because I do genuinely love
planning parties Like I plannedthis beautiful baby shower for a
friend of mine and they endedup getting married and it was

(50:45):
like, wow, this is so fun and sothat I really do love the party
planning aspect of makingthings pretty and, you know,
being creative with foods anddesserts and things like that.
So I think I was in that.
I was geared up.

Speaker 2 (50:51):
It's a creative process for you.
It is.

Speaker 1 (50:54):
It's a way of like a creative outlet for me.
So in doing hers that's thereason I was like, oh, I want to
play my birthday party becauseI'm here, I am on Pinterest,
okay, I'm looking, oh my gosh,and you're seeing, oh, that
would be fun for this, thatwould be fun.
So I have, like every partyplan for the next five years
because of this one party, butthat's the stream of like where

(51:18):
your energy goes, yourconsciousness flows.
So now that I'm not in the midstof planning that for her
anymore and it's over, I'm likeoh yeah, whatever, like we'll
just, we'll get to my party whenwe get to it, who cares?
Okay, but it's interesting howyour attention shifts, yes, when
you are actively doingsomething like that.
Oh, totally even planning for asummer trip.
It's like, oh, let's plan fourother trips in the meantime,

(51:39):
because we need to go all thesedifferent places now they're all
planned.
I'm like, oh, I hope we canafford to do all this.
I hope we can make it.
All this stuff Kids, you'regetting peanut butter and jelly
because we're traveling.
But it's true, it's like I'venoticed that about myself is
where I have to be very careful,because when I'm in, I'm all in
Right.

(51:59):
So when I'm all into something,I have to make sure not to go
extreme with it and plan too farforward, Because I catch myself
.
I really caught myself thissummer doing a lot of that with
planning trips and planningevents.

Speaker 2 (52:16):
Well, like you said, where our attention goes, our
energy flows, and that can befor good or bad.
So a lot of times whensomething is happening in my
life that I don't like, it'sbecause I'm putting so much
attention on that thing.
I'm stressing, I'm worryingabout it, thinking about it,
which does nothing but and itseems counterintuitive to stop

(52:38):
thinking about it, cause you'relike but I need to solve this.
It's a problem in my life andif I stopped thinking about it,
how's it going to go away?
And it's like but it doesactually if you stop looking at
natural consequences for thiskind of stuff imagine that If
you just stop focusing on theproblem, it will go away.

Speaker 1 (52:57):
So I think our kids are really good examples of that
.

Speaker 2 (52:59):
Yes, oh yes, totally.
They're mirrors of us, right?

Speaker 1 (53:03):
So we talked about this earlier.
Like we want to prevent thesethings from happening to our
children.
We want to keep them safe.
Yes, obviously that's ourpriority as parental figures.
However, how much of that istrue and legit and how much of
it is our own personalexperiences and preferences?

Speaker 2 (53:23):
Oh yeah, even with Savannah in first grade, she'll
tell me things that happened atschool or somebody hurt her
feelings and she's crying andsobbing and I can almost feel my
inner child crying with her andI can't because I'm the mom
she's coming to me for help butI'm like I can't allow my
rejection wound to bleed over onher because I'm like, oh gosh,

(53:48):
she's going to internalize this.
This is going to be like a corememory for her.
This is going to be traumatic.
She's going to have a rejectionwound and like, stop, stop,
stop.
Like.
And if she does, if she doesexactly.
I'm like the if that is, thenlike then we do the healing on
that, and like the conversationis open and like I have to

(54:10):
remind myself but you're heretalking to her about it, you
know what I mean.
Like I didn't talk about thingslike that as a child, so things
just stirred and stayed andwere pressed down and I'm like
it's hard for me as a mom tocause.
This is not how most of us wereraised, like if you're crying,
I'll give you something to cryabout.
You know?
Like oh yeah.
I heard that a lot from mystepfather, but I just let her

(54:30):
cry sometimes, and there's thisvoice that You're allowing her
to feel her feelings Right.
There's this voice.
Sometimes that's like tell herto stop, make it stop.
Like you're just crying andlike you're making it worse.
And it's like what's going tohappen?
Like, if you let her cry,what's the worst that can happen
?
Nothing.
Like she gets it out andusually they cry and then they

(54:53):
don't even know what the hellthey were crying about.
Right, we just move on.
All of a sudden she looks upand she's like can I have a
snack?

Speaker 1 (54:55):
and I'm like yes, food, I get it.
Yeah, maybe we were just eatingyour emotions, right, exactly
like start with yeah, do youwant?

Speaker 2 (55:02):
some fruit because, if not, you're not really hungry
.
No, but it is true, to like let, and it's as I'm too.
It's like we let your kids feeltheir emotions, feel yours,
like you're allowed to feelyours too.
And it's like sometimes I feelemotions that I know is not
related to anything happening inmy life, but I've just had

(55:24):
these feelings with me for solong, going back to like the
movie Inside Out.
I imagine this like shame,rejection, character.
That's like we're here today.
I try to assign that feeling tosomething in my life and that's
what I've learned to stop tryingto assign your feelings to

(55:45):
something like you can just havethe feeling and let it pass,
feel it, cry, be angry about it,write a letter or whatever, and
then release it.
And that, to me, is like I canmove through that emotion within
a day, versus weeks of tryingto figure out why I'm feeling
shameful.
And it's like there isn't guesswhat.

(56:06):
There isn't a reason thatyou're just used to this feeling
.
And it's like there isn't guesswhat.
There isn't a reason thatyou're just used to this feeling
.
Let it go Like, feel it, andthen let it go and remind
yourself that there isn'tanything shameful happening.
And it's crazy how our mind, my, for me, my body, has been so
conditioned to some of thesenegative feelings that I just
feel them because my body.
It's almost as sick as it iscomforting to feel rejection at

(56:31):
times, because it's a familiarfeeling.

Speaker 1 (56:34):
That's why people choose relationships.
They choose sometimes.

Speaker 2 (56:36):
True, yeah.

Speaker 1 (56:37):
Yeah, like that was huge for me when I was younger.

Speaker 2 (56:41):
Right, like I know this feeling, yeah, whereas when
I things are going so well andI feel so happy and so like just
not necessarily happy, but atpeace with how things are
unfolding in my life, I almostfeel uncomfortable, like what's
gonna happen?
What's yes, oh boy here we go,like there's something must be
around the corner waiting for meand it's like stop, stop it.

Speaker 1 (57:04):
And if there is like a beautiful phase and whatever's
around the corner, that'saround the corner, like enjoy
your now enjoy the peace, enjoythe serenity, enjoy that is huge
for all of us.
Yeah, and I've talked aboutthat on previous podcasts, it's
like that.
Why do we default mode to yeah,wow, everything's so good,
what's gonna happen?

(57:24):
Or everything's so bad, nothinggood could happen?
That's like the, the oppositeversion.
And again, those are thosefalse sense of beliefs.
It's that false sense of I'mnot worthy of great things in my
life.
I'm not worthy of blessings.
I'm not it's like thatworthiness type of deep internal
and I think that's generationaltrauma for all of us.

(57:46):
All of us, every human on theplanet in this lifetime with
generational trauma withworthiness.
Yes, I don't care what gender,what race, what if anyone
doesn't identify with?
Whatever that is right, I don'tcare.
It's worthiness is absolutely acore generational traumatic,

(58:07):
like on a cellular level.

Speaker 2 (58:09):
Talking to any of my friends that are going through
stuff at any given time, if Iask the right questions, it
comes down to I don't feelworthy of having the opposite of
this situation, so if thissituation is a broken
relationship with a parent or afriend, or whether it comes to
finances, whatever it is thatyou ask enough questions, and
this applies to me it's becauseI don't feel worthy of the

(58:30):
opposite of that situation,which would be a good outcome.
So I think I need to stay inthis until I, for me, work hard
enough to get myself out of it,and it's like rewiring your
brain.
To feel worthy is hard, it's sohard I I still struggle with
that.

Speaker 1 (58:49):
I think part of the subconsciously.
The reason that I am so busyand I am giving back and I am
providing all these resourcesfor people is because I am in a
place in my life where I havethem Right and I didn't have
them when I was younger.
So I feel like, now that I amin this position, it's my duty,
it's my obligation.

Speaker 2 (59:06):
It's my purpose to give it away.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (59:09):
And I mean that's something that I still, I mean I
could admit to it, and it's nota bad thing.
It brings me joy, but I knowthat that's where it comes from.

Speaker 2 (59:18):
Right, I totally get that and that's.
I think that's why I want tohelp so bad too.
At different areas of my lifeI've helped like through, like
through the price to be reallyinvolved in the pregnancy center
and then I helped with anoutreach um at strip clubs and I
think it was because I feltlike you get to go to strip
clubs all the time.

Speaker 1 (59:37):
Yes, did mike get to go with you?

Speaker 2 (59:40):
no, even though he asked if I needed security, I'm
like, no, go home, go home.

Speaker 1 (59:47):
Our wrestling match is 7 o'clock.
You're not allowed.
You're not allowed.

Speaker 2 (59:52):
But I think I and this is I saw a lot of those
women in those environments thatfelt rejection and I that's a
big thing for me is rejection,and I don't ever want anyone to
feel rejected.
And I can think of specificmoments in my life where I've
had somebody believe in me andit changed the game for me and

(01:00:14):
so it's like I want to, andthose were all very private
settings.
But there was just someone whopersonally was like you can do
this, you can.
If you want better, you canhave it, you can have it all.
You just have to make thatdecision that you're worthy of
having it.
And I think it does help as muchas we have the answers inside

(01:00:34):
of us and we can pull ourselvesout of situations.
Having somebody to tell youthat is huge.
So I get why you want to helpme, because there are so many
times I didn't have that or Ihad everybody in my life telling
me I was making the wrongdecision.
This will never work out andit's lonely and it's
heartbreaking.
And when you're dealing withheartbreak and loneliness, you

(01:00:56):
know like, and being isolatedall at the same time, it's hard
to see a way out of it.
But if you have someone come inand say, hey, here's what can
help, or here's I in you rightand not everybody's ready for
that you know, I've learned thattoo.

Speaker 1 (01:01:11):
I feel like you need to go on a strip club tour like
here we go, the healed versionsof analysis.

Speaker 2 (01:01:15):
They have some great shoes in there too.
I got some makeup tips and likehow do you keep that makeup on
and like for hours at a time?
I need to hear okay, give meone scenario.

Speaker 1 (01:01:27):
I just want to know what happened in these scenarios
because I really honestly okay,I'm almost 40 years old I have
been to a couple in my day.
Every time I ever walked intoone, I always felt like I wanted
to save them.
I thought to myself whathappened in your life?
And not judging at all it justmade me feel like why do you

(01:01:48):
feel like you need to do this?

Speaker 2 (01:01:50):
for what you're doing .
I won't speak for all strippers, but from the ones that I built
a relationship with, they don'treally want to be there.
They don't have fun on stagedancing like that, but they out
of survival.
They're like this is what I'mgoing to do.
I mean there was one girl thathad had a baby three months ago

(01:02:12):
and she would come off stage andpump and then go back out on
stage.
She looked great.

Speaker 1 (01:02:15):
I've had baby for three months ago, but that's
like four or five months so thebest my body ever felt.

Speaker 2 (01:02:23):
I feel like sometimes but there is there was an, for
sure an energy of desperation,of I want a better life for
myself and I feel like I'mtrapped in that this is the only
way out.
So, um, but some of them havebeen doing it for years.
So, anyway, I say all of thatbecause I also I want to help

(01:02:46):
people that need it and want it.
So, and not everybody does.
I mean, there were some girlsthat were really mad that we
were there trying to help.

Speaker 1 (01:02:55):
You kind of like that attitude of why do you think I
need help?

Speaker 2 (01:02:58):
And I get that too, which was a fear of mine of like
who am I coming in here to?

Speaker 1 (01:03:02):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (01:03:03):
exactly I could see like.
I'm sorry, so I had to dealwith myself too.

Speaker 1 (01:03:06):
I don't know how I would feel if someone just came
into my place of employment.
Do you need help?

Speaker 2 (01:03:13):
Let me help you.

Speaker 1 (01:03:14):
It's like the lady at the grocery store and your
kid's freaking out and you'rejust like do you need help with
that?
What would make you feel thatway?
The kids are just screaming andthere's just flying everywhere.
Why would you think I'd needany help?

Speaker 2 (01:03:26):
right now so.

Speaker 1 (01:03:29):
I could see that perspective too.
Did you ever feel unsafe?
I'm intrigued by this.
I'm intrigued.

Speaker 2 (01:03:35):
Sorry, we're going on a tangent, yeah um, no, I never
felt unsafe, good, and um,there was a lot of stories that
were like I would cry with someof the girls because they were,
some of them were physicallyabused, and you know they would.
They would tell me thishorrible story and they'd be
like it's okay, it's really okay, like because they could see me

(01:03:56):
getting upset about it and nowthey're trying to comfort me and
I'm like, no, no, it's not okay.
But I also was very careful notto make them feel shameful for
their situation, like, oh wow,I'm shocking this lady like
there's nothing you can tell methat's going to shock me away
from you.

Speaker 1 (01:04:11):
You don't want to add shame to the situation, which
is from what you shared earlier.
It feels like you were like theperfect person to go in and
talk about that, because youunderstand what it's like to
feel that shame and you don'twant that projected.
You don't want to project thatonto someone else for their
situation, but instead empowerthem to know that they're worthy
of doing something different ifthat's what they want to do.

Speaker 2 (01:04:30):
Yes, the worthiness aspect of it.
It was eye-opening for me tooof like there's a lot I feel
unworthy of.
You know like.
So I'm here with you in themidst of this.
Like my choices may not looklike yours right now, but I can
tell you I could and I did sharea lot of stories that they were
like you did that I'm like, yes, we all have our stuff.

(01:04:51):
A lot of us hide it better thanothers, but I can tell you some
stories.

Speaker 1 (01:04:54):
I'm really glad we didn't have Snapchat, oh Lord.
I am so glad social media wasnot like I know I didn't need
any infant amount of money ortime to be a teenager in the
world today, and I think that'swhat scares me oh, I know it
makes me grateful it makes megrateful.
Yes, but also scares me becausewe will have them right, we do

(01:05:18):
um, but it's.
They don't know any different,you know I don't know they
actually tatum really alwayssays she's like well, I just
want to go back to like your day, like I know your day.
This man asked I know.

Speaker 2 (01:05:28):
Your day.
This fan asked me if I was bornin the 1980s last week and I
was like wow, when you say itlike that, that sounds terrible.
And I was like yes.

Speaker 1 (01:05:40):
And she was like.
I was like why is that so funny?
I'm dying.
I showed it to Matt last night.
There was a lady.
She was like my child.
I can't even say it withoutlaughing.
My child asked me what year Iwas born.
I told her 1988.
And they asked me if I was aslave, and she just like walks
away and I'm like, oh my God,bless her heart.

(01:06:02):
Our kids have no perception oftime, though I know, and I mean
even myself.

Speaker 2 (01:06:08):
Someone's like oh time though I know and I mean
even myself, someone's like, oh,um, when I think of 1970, I
think it was 30 years ago.
30 years ago it was 1994 andI'm like, oh wow, like I was I
still think of.
The 70s is 30 years ago.

Speaker 1 (01:06:22):
I know I wasn't even born in the 70s, so why?
Do I think that way right, Iknow, like why it's our
conditioning, why does thathappen?
Oh, that's funny it makes melaugh.

Speaker 2 (01:06:34):
I know I saw a meme that somebody was dropping off
something from UPS and theyneeded their birth date for
something and they said, oh, 92,and they're like 1992 and he's
like no, 1792, like yes, but itdoes show you the generational
like you don't, and that's fine.

Speaker 1 (01:06:52):
I think it's great.
It's just, it's been fun.
I've.
I have really, I think,approaching 40 I really started
to embrace it like I'm notafraid.

Speaker 2 (01:07:01):
I mean, my 30s were way better than my 20s oh yeah,
I'm like it can only go up fromhere.
I mean, if we're, if thetrajectory of my life is any
indication of my 40s, I'm allfor it.

Speaker 1 (01:07:10):
Right, take me to 45.
Maybe not quite 45 yet, becauseI'm trying to do this all
natural.
Okay, I'm trying not to do anyof the things that are out there
that are very tempting.
I saw this thing.
You said you had a Sharpay.
Yes, I saw this other one thatit was like when the Botox kicks
in and it's like someonelifting the Sharpay's skin all

(01:07:32):
the way back and it pulls itback.
I think it's that something.
And I'm not going to lie.
I did disport before I waspregnant with Brody, but I'm
really after the brain scans andstuff.
It freaks me out.
I know it really freaks me out.
So I mean mean to each theirown.
I don't judge at all, I think Ijust know so much and I've
worked so hard to get myadrenals and everything in

(01:07:53):
balance that I'm like whatever,like I have lines on my forehead
.
I don't care, I have crispy.

Speaker 2 (01:07:59):
I don't care, like everyone else does too.

Speaker 1 (01:08:01):
If you don't, you're just, yeah, like I don't care
like I think Sarah JessicaParker's always been one of my
favorite actresses.
Yes, and I saw something fromher and she's like I know what I
look like.
I don't care yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:08:15):
Pamela Anderson.
I love her.
I know she looks so beautifuland she's just like, but it's so
amazing.
It's so shocking to the world.
I mean, like you see articlesthat are like Pamela Anderson
without makeup, like good forher.

Speaker 1 (01:08:27):
She's living a simple life.

Speaker 2 (01:08:28):
I think she had her fair share of on-camera action.

Speaker 1 (01:08:32):
Okay, I feel like she was out there and now she's
gardening and living her bestlife.

Speaker 2 (01:08:40):
Hey your beliefs create your reality.
If anyone is an example of youcan change your life.
It's Pamela Anderson.
Look at her she is like on thecover of Southern Living.
She went from.

Speaker 1 (01:08:49):
Playboy to Southern Living.
I'm not going to lie, I watcheda lot of Baywatch as a kid and
I think it really messed me up,like between Baywatch and Dirty
Dancing.

Speaker 2 (01:08:59):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (01:09:00):
Really interesting role models, so I always, which
led to really interestingbeliefs about myself and
conditioning.

Speaker 2 (01:09:11):
Like well, if you just stay this, super fit, cute
blonde girl, your whole lifeeverything will be perfect yeah,
I think that was for a lot ofus true, we're born in the 80s
like that whole diet culture oflike.
Yeah, I mean they were likepicking apart jessica simpson
when she weighed like 145 pounds, you, you know like they were
like shaming her all over.
I know I'm like, well, wait aminute.

Speaker 1 (01:09:30):
I know no, she looks and it's like two each their own
Right.
Why do we as a society feel theneed to pick other people apart
?

Speaker 2 (01:09:41):
You wouldn't do that in real life.
You know like you wouldn't.
But yeah, we put people on aplatform and we're like let's
just critique the crap out ofthem.

Speaker 1 (01:09:48):
I think the answer to that is it's because what we
judge in ourselves we do itourselves Like if I've ever it's
our internal judgment onsomeone else, it's because I'm
judging myself in the exact sameway.

Speaker 2 (01:10:01):
I see that too, and some of the people that I feel
like are the most judgmentalpeople I've ever met.
Now it used to make me reallymad, and at times it does.
That's what comes alive in me,but I also realize that's their
world.
They are that as critical as Isee them to other people,
they're 10 times that in theirinner voice and that's sad.

Speaker 1 (01:10:20):
And that allows you to bring compassion.

Speaker 2 (01:10:22):
Yes, To be like wow.

Speaker 1 (01:10:24):
if they're critiquing somebody externally, that bad,
think about how bad theycritique themselves constantly,
I mean and that again goes backto the worthiness Like they're
never going to be good enoughfor themselves or anyone else.
So I actually talked to my lifecoach about this after I
finished that book, thenonviolent communication book,
and I'm like why have I alwaysbeen so strict on myself, like

(01:10:46):
athletically, and like I alwayslike have to look a certain way?
Because it's not, I'm like, notan intention seeking.
I want men to look at mebecause that triggers me, right.
So for me yes, I I took it allthe way back to exercise I don't
do it because I want to look acertain way.
I do it because I want to feelstrong, feel strong because

(01:11:07):
feeling strong makes me feelsafe, right, and feeling safe
makes me Feel strong Becausefeeling strong makes me feel
safe, right, and feeling safemakes me feel strong and so,
therefore, it makes me feelempowered.

Speaker 2 (01:11:14):
Power is where.
Yeah, that's my big thing.

Speaker 1 (01:11:16):
It's the power, it's like the empowerment.

Speaker 2 (01:11:17):
I'm in control.

Speaker 1 (01:11:18):
I'm in control of my life.
I can handle it if somethingwere to happen to me, because,
you know, right, it's one of thememes.
The memes are like flowingtoday and this lady's walking.
She's like.
You know, I haven't beenoffered drugs from anyone in my
adult life, like I was raised tobelieve.

Speaker 2 (01:11:36):
But I wanted to be prepared, Like our dare services
.
That all started with some guygoing don't smoke.
I wanted to be prepared.

Speaker 1 (01:11:44):
And still it's something in me and I think,
just genetically, when I amsuper fit and strong, my body
still looks feminine.
So it's kind of me and I think,just genetically, when I am
super fit and strong, my bodystill looks feminine.
So it's kind of a catch-22.
But I think that's another deepcore why I had this eating
disorder because I like to bethin and I liked to be muscular

(01:12:05):
and then if my female partstarted to fill out, if my butt
got bigger, if my boobs startedto fill out, if my butt got
bigger, if my boobs started tofill out, I would start to get
really triggered and I'd want torun a ton or work out more.
And why?
It's because I didn't want thatoutside attention, because I
didn't want to be like my mom.
Yeah, I didn't want to like shewas at some point.
I say this about my mom I lovemy mom, we're super close now.

(01:12:33):
And she'll be on the podcasteventually.
She's totally changed her life,but when I was growing up she
had been married like seven,eight times.
You know she was very attentionand I didn't want that.
I didn't want people looking atme for that Like, if someone's
looking at me because I'm strong, that's right, okay.
So that deep core need forstrength is still there, I'm
like.
I don't know if it'll ever goaway.
I'm embracing more of it.

(01:12:54):
I'm almost 40.
My hormones are changing mybody's different A little
10-pound fluctuation than itused to be.
But that's okay.
I've just tossed all of my size24.
Who the hell wears size 24 jeanshorts?
I don't know when I fit intothose.

Speaker 2 (01:13:07):
But it ain't now.

Speaker 1 (01:13:13):
Me four jean shorts I don't know when I fit into
those, but it ain't now butembracing that and showing my
daughter that she's beautiful inall of her shapes and forms,
right, and even if the size isway larger, it's whatever.
But if you are, this is myother thing with this.
I know that when I was superlean and, you know, super, super
fit, I wasn't healthy on theinside, right.

(01:13:35):
I was in my head all the time.
I was judging myself.
All the time.
I was, you know, drinkingsometimes and then doing four, I
mean literally, I think, in2017, the year 16, 17, the year
four, in the year Matt and I gotmarried, I would run with him
in the morning, three to fourmiles.
We would run, then I would goto a freaking HIIT class, then I
would go to a cycle class orvice versa.

(01:13:56):
Wow, yeah, and I wonder why Ihave adrenal fatigue.

Speaker 2 (01:13:59):
I don't know why my nervous system is short.
I remember people be like whatare you?

Speaker 1 (01:14:02):
training for and I'm like like I don't know what do
you mean?

Speaker 2 (01:14:05):
Every day I'm like okay, this is also why I needed
a job, because this is alsoduring the time where I wasn't
working and I was just classmomming.

Speaker 1 (01:14:13):
But I physically.
But I am one of those peoplethat physically love the feeling
of exercise too.
So that's different.
It is stress relief for me.
It's something I've done sinceI was very young, it's like
therapy, but our intentions havechanged.

Speaker 2 (01:14:43):
Like before, my intentions were I had to fit in
these size pants, I had to looka certain way in a bikini, and
now my intention, as I'm workingon it people are very
vulnerable is to be healthy.
I'm doing this to fuel my bodybecause I'm also I've come into
awareness that I've got to workon what I'm doing in my body and
that comes down to like makeup,the lotions I put on.
You know like you just becomemore aware at some point that,
like, what is it I'm putting inand on my body?
And functionality.

(01:15:04):
It means a lot more to me thanappearance, while it's still
something I you know like.
I think for me, appearance hasall.
I've always struggled because Ifelt so critiqued as a child
growing up from religion thatwas like but you can't critique
this.
And I was like I can controlthis.
You might get me on the.
I am, I don't whatever a centeror whatever all these other

(01:15:28):
things, but I'm going to controlthe way I look and you're not
going to critique me on that.
So, and I heard a lot growingup, so and so is overweight, so
and so is fat, and it's likewell, I'm never going to be that
, and I held myself to thisstandard of like, at least like,
if I can control nothing elsein my life, I'll be successful
in this area as being fit.

(01:15:50):
And so, yeah, I came down tocontrol.
So it's.
But that was my intention wasto control others' perception of
me from a physical standpoint.
I can control this.
I may not control how they feelabout me, but now you know, as
I have become more accepting ofthis is me and my authenticity.

(01:16:10):
My intention is to feel goodand be the best physically I can
be, and I did not pay attentionto that for a very long time.
I mean, I've done a lot ofdamage to my body.
Yeah, we all have.

Speaker 1 (01:16:26):
Let's just say we all have, and I can totally relate
to that.
100 percent, and that's exactlyright.
What is the intention?
Intention, yeah, the intentionfor me right now is, like you
said, it's functionality, it'slongevity, it's performance.
I want to feel good.

Speaker 2 (01:16:39):
I want to feel good.

Speaker 1 (01:16:40):
I talked about this, actually, on my last podcast.
I started drinking more coffeewhen we were in Europe but I
realized it didn't really makeme feel that good if I did it
all the time.
If I have one every now andthen, that's fine, it's like,
it's enjoyable, it's fun.
But I know for me, like,especially if I'm like the kids
and stuff, it makes me edgy.
So I don't want to do that.
Right, and so being able topurge things from my life and

(01:17:04):
trickle them back in, whetherit's like a glass of wine or a
drink or something, it's knowingthat I don't stay stuck in that
either and I don't shame myselffor it.
I don't drink, you know.
I don't like kind of circulateon what it is I've done, Like I
just you took a rest day, Okay,great, Okay, oh awesome, that's.

Speaker 2 (01:17:25):
That's you're supposed to rest you know you
took a nap.
You're supposed to nap Rightknow, you took a nap.

Speaker 1 (01:17:28):
You're supposed to nap, right.
When it gets back to thatperception of other people, I
think I always wanted to bepresented as someone that was
not weak, that was notvulnerable yeah, and that worked
hard.
Yeah, and that's what being fitRight, the belief system of

(01:17:53):
what that represented for me.
I get that, but now I do itbecause I love it, right.
Yeah, I go to the gym and Imove my body differently every
day.
Some days I go do a strengthclass, or some days I just go to
the gym and do something else.
Some days I go outside and Ijust take a walk.
It looks so different every day.

Speaker 2 (01:18:06):
Sometimes I go to yoga so different every day,
sometimes I go to yoga and thatis powerful.

Speaker 1 (01:18:16):
For me, that's been a lot of letting go.

Speaker 2 (01:18:18):
A lot of letting go.

Speaker 1 (01:18:19):
Well, it's like we're taking care of ourselves, right
, and we're showing our kids andour friends and our husbands
and our society that that's whatit should be about.
It should be about what.
What needs do you have?
Like what's coming alive?

Speaker 2 (01:18:33):
and you know it's like.

Speaker 1 (01:18:34):
I want to be healthy.
I want to be healthy.
I never thought like that whenI was in my twenties.
Sure, I didn't want to get sickbut I never thought wow, I
really want to be healthy, Right, and it's just a different
train of thought.
And that's what really makes mesad for social media being out
there now.
Oh gosh.
Yeah, it doesn't necessarily.
I mean there's a lot of stuff,but I mean there's a lot of
stuff.

(01:18:54):
That's the point, yeah there'stoo much.
There's too much stuff like ohmy god, if you don't feed your
kid, all organic, they're gonnadie.
And if, like, if there's nosuch thing as all organically,
it's right there's just so muchout there like it's, it's an all
or nothing mentality sometimes,and I have to remind myself
it's nothing in life is all.
I mean we're all screwed.
Yeah, we're here.

Speaker 2 (01:19:13):
I mean we live in this toxic society, so you just
choose your battles, right, andthat whole culture of like don't
do this.
It's kind of toxic too, becauseyou can't, it's not sustainable
, right.
So it's like.
But I think what makes itmanageable, like you said,
taking stuff out and then addingit back in is like okay, yeah.
How did it go without it?

(01:19:33):
Did I like that?
Did I?
Am I going to add this back in?
And yeah, it's the same, youknow, with my kids.
You know everything is so toxic, like macaroni and cheese and
all the things.
It's just like okay, what Iknow, velveeta oh my God, the
cheese off the shelf.

Speaker 1 (01:19:49):
The cheese off the shelf, yes, oh my God, velveeta.
I used to eat Velveeta, greencheese and grilled cheeses all
the time.
I know, yes, if you're stillfeeding your family Velveeta.

Speaker 2 (01:20:02):
I apologize.

Speaker 1 (01:20:03):
But I did survive.
So yeah, did survive, andthat's just true.
It's like you know, we could godown a whole.
Oh, I know we could have awhole other episode on our
grocery stores and what's in our.
I mean, the whole point is dowhat's right for you.
Yes, and because that's the sadpart too, is not everyone can

(01:20:24):
afford Right Everything.
I mean when you have a familyof five, packing lunches and
cutting cucumbers and you knowmaking them in little star
shapes and that's alwayspractical for everyone.
So I really like to be sensitiveand again goes back to my other
job.
I like to provide resources forpeople and an outlet, but also

(01:20:46):
not put anyone in a positionwhere they feel like they need
to feel ashamed or judgedbecause of it.
Right, and that's what bothersme about.
Everything out there is, youknow, I I feel like we're still
kind of stuck in that, but again, it's what comes alive in us
right, so we can choose whetherwe want to feel shame or we can

(01:21:08):
say wow, that person's justputting out this good
information for other people tohear.

Speaker 2 (01:21:12):
I'll take this part of this whole thing that she put
out there and I don't rememberwhere I heard this the first
time but just do the next rightthing Like whatever that is for
you and I can just focus on onething at a time makes me feel
like one.
I did something.
I used to be self-sabotaging inthe sense of if I can't do all

(01:21:32):
of this, aware that I'm going tokill myself, trying to uproot
my whole family's currentroutine to try and look like

(01:21:55):
somebody else's, like that's notauthentic for us either.
So which could be more damagingthan what you're trying to do?

Speaker 1 (01:22:02):
right and what works for that family is awesome.
What works for our family isawesome yeah, what works for us?
Individually is awesome and Ithink we so.
One thing and I was actuallytalking to my nanny about this
the other day comparison there'swhat I think we'll we'll talk
about some comparison real quickand then we'll wrap things up,
because this might be the restof the oh it's gonna be a long,

(01:22:26):
but that's what gets us, oh yeah, when we get into a place where
we allow our ego to take overand we start to compare
ourselves.
I mean, I'm the worst atcomparing myself to previous
versions of myself.

Speaker 2 (01:22:39):
Oh, same yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:22:40):
And then I'm like you need to look at the big picture
of that girl.

Speaker 2 (01:22:43):
What else was also going on?

Speaker 1 (01:22:44):
Right now, but or other people or places right now
, but or other people or places,and I think that summertime can
get that way and be a lot ofdifferent pressures for people
because everyone's takingdifferent vacations and I'm like
OK, you see a family of six ona vacation in Europe.
I guarantee you they've had acouple rough patches, so it's
not what Facebook and Instagrammakes it out to be.

(01:23:06):
Yeah, and I hope that we canscale back a little from that
mentality.
Not that I don't.
I'm one of those people thatlove to and appreciate seeing
everyone's family photos.
It makes me feel connected topeople that I don't really talk
to on a regular basis and Ithink I'm a little bit more
leery about putting my kids outthere now just because.

Speaker 2 (01:23:27):
But I genuinely love, like prom and homecoming I know
I love seeing everyone back toschool pictures and I think
everyone did a much better jobthis year back to school with
not putting everyone'sinformation out there I think a
couple of those.

Speaker 1 (01:23:41):
The warning size went viral, but I do appreciate it.
However, I just want people toknow like there's there's stuff
behind that, but there's a wholelife.

Speaker 2 (01:23:49):
There's a whole life happening behind that, it's like
.

Speaker 1 (01:23:52):
that's why I like the Instagram versus reality, like,
yeah, it's like they're allalone on this beautiful lagoon.

Speaker 2 (01:23:58):
And there's like a hundred people around.

Speaker 1 (01:24:00):
Yes.
All waiting in line pissing inthe water.
So I think comparison has beensomething that I've really grown
out of.
Yes, and catching myself goingback to journaling, catching
myself doing that, whether it's,you know, aesthetically, or
travel, or parenting, orrelationships, it's yeah and we

(01:24:26):
can all do that.
It's like just and honestly.
I think sometimes just takingit offline, yes, is a great way
to protect yourself too.

Speaker 2 (01:24:33):
Agreed.
That way you don't feel likethere is something and this may
be a little too woo woo, butthere is something behind the
energy of letting everybody inon everything, because I think
there's just like the wrongintention looking at your stuff.

Speaker 1 (01:24:49):
Yes, it is a lie.
It's like you're putting yourlife out there and so they can
sabotage it in whatever way thatthey're choosing to, or they
can compare themselves to itright, and which also is energy
towards you, because there'slike the jealousy which right, I
know I don't like that word,but it's like there is some of
that behind.

Speaker 2 (01:25:07):
I mean it's, it's out there, right so but yeah, I
think there is something toprotecting your world and your
things that are.
I mean, I've I've started tofeel that way and I know my
youngest sister is like takingher son offline and it's made me
think, like you know, maybe Ineed to do more, because we're
proud of them too.
Like half of it's like look atmy kids, I know how cute they

(01:25:29):
are.

Speaker 1 (01:25:29):
I want my grandfather to see him because he doesn't
know how to work his smartphoneand I know he has 16 facebook
accounts and I'm one of them.
One of them is gonna see Ithink every time he signs in to
get on facebook, he creates anew account.
I love him, but you know, I wantthem to stay in the loop and
then I also think I try not tothink about, like you know,

(01:25:50):
there could be other people outthere with different intentions,
right, yeah, which I just trynot to think about.
That, yeah, but there is.
I think the key to that is justrespecting and nurturing the
intimacy of your life.
Yes, and that's something thatis a need inside of me.
Yeah, you know before husbandI'm like since I read this book,

(01:26:11):
you're getting a lot of needsthe book.

Speaker 2 (01:26:14):
Nonviolent Communication.
I need to read that one.

Speaker 1 (01:26:17):
Because it really teaches you to express your
needs.
Yeah, so like he's like oh yeah, we are going on a date night.
I'm like well, we're going withyour podcast.
Guys, I need a one-on-oneconnection with you, yeah or I
could just be like okay,whatever, and hold resentment
because we're going to dinnerwith other people like I'm still
going to enjoy that dinner,right, but I would really like

(01:26:39):
for this other scenario servinga different purpose than yeah
and, but he's not going to knowthat unless I tell him yeah, and
he's, you know he's winning.

Speaker 2 (01:26:47):
He's taking me out to dinner.
Check, check he is.

Speaker 1 (01:26:50):
He's doing a great job yeah, um, and actually since
he read the book too, it's been, it's been really great,
because I think it's reallyallowed me to realize how I'm
communicating and how we're allconditioned to communicate.
Yeah, and it's something, it'ssomething I'm not great at to be
totally honest it'scommunicating in my intimate

(01:27:10):
relationships.

Speaker 2 (01:27:11):
With people that I'm not that intimate with, I can
communicate really well, butit's because the people that are
closest to you are the ones youreally need to communicate your
needs to.
And why is it that we're afraidsometimes, I know, I think, a
fear of reactivity, fear of likeI'm going to express this need
and you're like no Right, fearof like I'm gonna express this
need and you're like no, likefor me as reject, immediate

(01:27:34):
rejection.
Like so right, which goes backto me like why do you feel like
they're allowed to say no?
Like you can't controleverybody, so like why you're
gonna have to work on this.

Speaker 1 (01:27:43):
they said, no, get over it.
I get over it, but no journal I.
I think about things that Iyeah some funny comments my
husband comes back to and I'mnot going to get into them
online.
So I have to be careful insaying what I need and when I
need it, because I usually get astraight one answer.
Jesus Christ, I love you though.
Yeah, this has been so much fun.

Speaker 2 (01:28:05):
This has been a lot of fun.

Speaker 1 (01:28:06):
We're going to do it again.
I have a feeling we're comingback.
We might have even chained acrystal clear.
Actually, my name is CrystalNicole.

Speaker 2 (01:28:14):
I know that is so funny.
I remember when you told methat it is.

Speaker 1 (01:28:19):
It's spelled differently, though, but still
it was awesome, thank you somuch for coming on.

Speaker 2 (01:28:25):
Thank you for having me.

Speaker 1 (01:28:25):
You will definitely be back because we had so much
fun.
Yes, and I appreciate yousharing your journey, your heart
, your reality with us today.
Is there anything?

Speaker 2 (01:28:35):
you want to leave us with today.
I would just say, if you'venever journaled before, just
make a journaling prompt what isalive inside of me, because we
talked a lot about that.
If you're looking to start anddon't know where start there,
awesome, let's do it, see youguys.
Thank you.

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