March 8, 2025 • 33 mins
We delve into a lively discussion about a recent argument we had over our son's haircut, highlighting deeper themes of pride and parenting. Miscommunication arises from trying to navigate changing trends while protecting our child's self-esteem.
• Exploring our son's feelings amid peer pressure
• Understanding the balance between trend and self-expression
• The role of pride in our arguments
• Strategies for effective conflict resolution
• The importance of humility and listening
• Tools we've learned to avoid escalating disagreements
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, let's Dig crew.
We are so thankful that youhave joined this conversation.
Today is full of some tea y'all, so you're going to want to be
in on this.
But first, will you comment onthis video?
Will you hit the like button?
Will you send us some love onYouTube?
If you are listening on ApplePodcasts on Spotify, leave us a
review and honestly send this tosomeone you love.
(00:23):
Send this to someone who it willencourage.
We hope that all of ourconversations have been bringing
value to your life, and if youdon't know why we're here, we
are here to help you grow adeeper relationship with God,
others and yourself.
So, all that being said, Ithink I got all the logistics
out the way.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Well, you said tea.
We're not going to be gossiping.
I mean, it's like give me thetea.
What's the tea?
Speaker 1 (00:48):
It's like the piping hot, it's like the business.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Okay, I don't know what type of business you are
looking for the business but wedon't have the business here for
the tea.
That's my Haitian accent y'all.
If you guys haven't heard it,all right, let's get into it.
I was going to say let's dig,but then you had to smash the
team.
We got into a prettyinteresting argument before we
started recording thisconversation, which we're
talking about arguments.
We're talking about thattension, that conflict debate.
(01:17):
We used to get into huge,massive fights when we first got
married.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
We sure did.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
And we got into a pretty big fight, I would say
last week.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Yeah, it was one of those ones that lasted longer
than we're used to now.
So, before in our marriage thefights would last days, days and
days and days.
But I think in our skill setsafter therapy, being in a
healthier place, we've learnedto resolve them a lot quicker.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
But this one stuck around for a little bit longer,
and longer than we would feelmore comfortable like now in
this life, now that we'velearned our isms, our
personalities.
But I think let's jump into it,man, let's dig.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
All right, let's dig.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Let's dig.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
So a few weeks ago, two weeks ago, we were in an
argument basically about guys.
You'll never guess.
It was about our son's hair.
Yeah, our child, he is 11.
He is a mixed baby boy.
He is so handsome, almost astall as me, and he has been
(02:20):
getting like some form of twistor braids or a low fade,
whatever it's.
All the details that don'tmatter.
But in essence we were arguingabout his haircut and my
viewpoint was that some of theyounger generation one guy was
like I think he's 17.
Another guy was like in his 20sand they kind of mentioned
(02:43):
something about Jordan's haircutto me and I'm the one who does
Jordan's braids and twists, andPierre is the one who fades
Jordan's hair, gives him an edgeand all that stuff.
And so I started to get alittle concerned that my age was
showing and that maybe my kid'shairstyle was not as cool as I
(03:04):
thought it would be.
And so when I started bringingit up to Pierre, pierre was just
like nah, man, like I know,it's whatever, like it's good,
it's fine, everything iseverything Like you can have.
This guy can have braids.
This guy can have twists.
This guy can have it faded uphere, this guy can have it low.
This guy can have it messy.
This guy can have no edge pause,let's just oh, you don't think
(03:24):
that that was your argument bigold fat pause right here.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Let's just bring clarity.
We actually wasn't even arguingyet.
It was just smooth, casualconversation.
Like you guys ever like youknow, like, let's say, it's your
wife or your husband or yourboyfriend, your girlfriend, like
like somebody you're in likerelationship with, you just go
to have a normal casualconversation, just assuming the
person you're talking to isgonna be on the same page as you
.
And so they're like wait, what?
(03:47):
What are you doing?
Wait, why are you doing that?
And then you start feelingtension and you're like wait, I
was just, I just came to justloop you in on something that
I'm doing, something that we'retalking about, and that that's
kind of like what happened.
You was just telling me like,yeah, I'm thinking about
changing.
Yeah, cool, I mean, we've he'shad the same hairstyle for a
couple of months now.
He hasn't complained,everybody's been fine, it's,
(04:07):
it's low maintenance, go aheadand roll with it.
So you're like okay, but when Ifound like when I found out
that you wanted to change hishairstyle because he brought to
your attention that some kidshave been making comments, some
his age and some older than him,which that my alarms as a dad
went off, but I didn't make thatclear that it was like dad
(04:30):
alarms of, like no, who careswhat people say.
I was just like no man, he'sfine, his hair goes fine, and so
I was just starting to feellike a little, I guess.
Um, uh, let me find the rightword.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Let me help you, Prideful prideful, maybe
prideful.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
I was just like thinking our kids are fine, they
look good, I know.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
And that was guys.
This is it.
This was the argument.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
This is what I was arguing of Like.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
I know that you think that you know all the trends.
You're trendy, you're cool dadLike the kids at school call you
what do they call you?
Speaker 2 (05:08):
I'm not going to quote the kids, like Jordan's,
I'm not going to quote the kids.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
The fifth graders at the school literally say he's
like dad Riz.
So that was literally.
My argument was that Iunderstand.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Drip dad, by the way, oh, it's drip dad.
I'm the drip dad at school.
Drip daddy.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Guys, he's not lying, anyways.
So that was my argument wasthat I understand you're on
trend, you're cool, you're swag,everybody's like whatever, but
like there is a reality to thefact that we are closer to 40
than 30.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
You're closer to 40 than 30.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
Excuse me, your birthday's next month.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Go ahead.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
And I don't want to be those parents that are just
so ignorant and think that nocause, we're cool, my kids are
cool.
I don't want to be the causethat my kid's getting made fun
of, like his haircut or whatever, and so I'm humble enough to be
like, wait, maybe he's grownout of dad doing his haircuts.
So hold on and your pride.
(06:05):
I do not think you could hearme.
You could not take that from me.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
But so we're arguing, guys, we're arguing about this.
I mean, it goes overnight thenext day, which should be fair.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
It wasn't like I was mad at you the whole entire two
days, like there was theargument and then we were able
to like, be okay and function,and then when we talked about it
again, it was like we evenstarted arguing in front of the
kids, like we.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
We were at the outlet and we stopped just to argue
because I'm like I don't like towalk and argue but it had not.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
We had not had one like this in a very long time,
and it was little, it was justit was.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
We both just started like but here's the thing I
think both of us was pridefuland we're going to tell
everybody what we were pridefulabout here.
In a second Cause I had my Idon't know it.
Nah, okay, I'm gonna say rightnow I had dad pride, you had mom
pride.
Okay, fair, I'll take that,because the kid comments about
(07:05):
his hair right.
And then he heard another, uh,teenager right make a comment
about bro, you're fit, and hewas like, wait, is it good or
bad?
He was just everything.
He's getting into that stage to11, 12, that age group, that
dark years of everyone's life,middle school, where you care so
much what everyone thinks, likeyou're not sure.
It's tough years.
So every single commenteverybody's making towards him,
right, he's moving off of it.
And you, as a mom, you werefeeling that, yes, and you took
(07:27):
pride in being a mom and you'relike, okay, what do you want to
do then?
How do you want to change yourhair?
Let me do some research, let mego on tiktok, let me get.
So.
As a mom, you felt that becauseyou, you were nurturing to make
fun of him.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
You don't want kids to make fun of him because of my
lack of the trends or whatever.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
And here's the thing.
We argued about this for awhole day, through the night,
even the next day, even the nextday it's his birthday and he's
like yo bring everybody's momand dad bring donuts to the
school, but they don't comeinside the school and drop off
the donuts with plates andnapkins.
Danny Lee's like we're going todo exactly just that For me.
I'm like man, I'm going to walkright into that school and
deliver the donuts myself.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
There's that pride again.
Boy, have mercy.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
But here's the thing we both had pride and we didn't
realize this till that very nextday, like that night, when we
(08:27):
both had better words toarticulate what we were going
through.
And what really happened was wefelt so strong about our
feelings and our thoughts andhow we saw our perspective that
we just refused to see the otherperson's perspective, which
that's pride.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
And when that came to that point and you said here's
what I'm trying to say and youran down all the things, which
was that these youngergenerations are so ever-changing
with just how the trends comein, so quickly they go out, and
so this younger generation we'reseeing them to where, like,
they don't stick to anything.
(08:53):
They change constantly and sotrends will continue to change.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
They get obsessed with something one week, the
next week, that thing they wereobsessed with is so last week.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
And so you were trying to make sure that we
teach our son what do you think?
How do you feel?
What do you like?
Who cares about the trends?
They'll come and go, and onceyou got to that point, I
actually agreed with everythingyou said.
Yeah, um, I was like, yeah, Iactually agree that we should
teach him to not worry aboutother people's opinions and
feelings and what they say tohim, and that that shouldn't,
(09:24):
like, make you waver or changeyour hair.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
You care so much for the mental and emotional
well-being of our children andemotions has so much to do with
their soul and their personalityand your job is to nurture that
.
So when your son comes homemaking comments about what other
kids said and you can see it'sgetting to him and it's hurting
his feeling, your job as a momis to nurture that Right.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
And to protect him.
So for you it's like okay, baby, what do you want to do?
Speaker 2 (10:00):
that Right and to protect it.
So for you it's like okay, baby, what do you want to do?
How do you want to do?
Do you want to change your hair?
What did that kid say what didthat?
And so for me I'm like forgetthat kid.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
We're going to jump that kid man.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
He's nothing anyways.
Kid's a joke.
Matter of fact, I want to meethis dad.
I said that kid's a joke, hisdad's a joke, his mom's a joke.
His whole ass.
I said I bet his whole face isa joke.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
Oh my gosh, he's not lying guys.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
He's trash talking these fifth graders like
nobody's business.
I was like you guys because Ithink really to have a healthy
argument, you need to learn howto fight for the person that
you're arguing with.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
That means learning to fight their point for them.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
And we've done really good at that for the last four
or five years since our marriagetherapy.
And this was one that like weactually didn't realize that we
were not hearing each other,like today, we were having a
discussion and I kept tellingyou we are not on the same page.
We are not on the same pageLike we're talking, like I'm
asking questions but you'reanswering them differently than
(11:13):
like I could tell we were nothearing each other.
But this specific argumentabout Jordan's hair, I don't
think either of us realized thatwe weren't hearing each other
and when we got to the end of it, you literally said I guess I
just wasn't hearing you say thatand I was like I know you
weren't hearing what I wassaying and I wasn't hearing what
(11:34):
you landed on either.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
And I think what happens is because we both feel
so strong about what we feelthat everything else must be
wrong.
Huh.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
That's true.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Your feelings like it , and I think that's something
that really can stunt somebody'sgrowth.
Yeah, you know, for you to belike well, here's how I see it,
here's how I feel yourperception can still be wrong
For sure.
Right, I like to like I saythis all the time Well, let's
look at the record, let's let'slook at the credibility, let's
look at the score sheets, thescorecards, and so you can say
well, here's how I see it,here's how I feel it, here's how
(12:06):
I think in my mind, here's whatit should look like.
I hear everything.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
You're how I felt, how I saw it, my perspective my
perception of it that surely noother way of seeing it can be
(12:29):
right, yeah, and, and you know,oftentimes when you do what you
said earlier of, you should knowso well to fight the other
person's argument for them.
When you do that, you save me alot of time, a lot of
frustration, and with this one,that just wasn't happening yeah
it what but?
but I love that tool of likewhen you're going into conflict
(12:52):
with whoever you are in conflictwith, whether it's a co-worker
of a friendship, um an actual,like platonic or not platonic
romantic relationship, um,platonic romantic relationship,
a relationship with your olderparents, like all those things
like verbalizing that youunderstand what they're feeling
and where they're coming fromsaves so much time in an
(13:14):
argument, and that is proof whenyou look at that this argument
went for two days, like wentover the span of two days.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Yeah, it went for two days and I understand, like
where you're coming from, andhere's what's even wild too.
Both of us were right in how wefelt and how we saw it, but we
were wrong, not even willing tosee the other person's
perspective.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
And.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
I think that really is dangerous when two people are
in conflict.
For me, like I'll tell you thisright now Like I refuse to be
in conflict or debate or arguewith somebody that already has
no interest in seeing it how Isee it.
Yeah, that's very true.
If you can't even see it how Isee it or you have no desire to
understand how I see it, yeah, Idon't want to argue with you.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
No, I don't want to argue with you.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
I actually don't want to fight with you, there's no
point, because you have nointerest in understanding where
I'm coming from.
What do I have to say tosomeone who doesn't even want to
understand, even if, even if,like you, were in the right?
But let's say you were in theright and I was in the wrong.
But if I had to explain myself,for you to say you know what,
explain to me what led you tosee it, how you saw it.
(14:19):
Cause, explain to me what ledyou to see it, how you saw it,
because that would give you abetter understanding of how the
mechanisms of my mind works,like what I'm saying.
Yeah, that would still gainunderstanding, because then you
can say oh, wow, ah, I see howyou think.
Oh, I can see how you saw it,because we all have different
operating systems, a hundredpercent.
We all have differentoperations.
Ultimately, we both wereprideful in that moment.
(14:39):
We all have differentoperations.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Ultimately, we both were prideful in that moment and
it wasn't even bad pride, Itook pride as a dad to teach my
son dignity to teach my sonself-esteem and I 100% agree
with it.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Hey, you might do something, say something, wear
something, feel something, thinksomething.
And everybody says yo, that'sdope.
Next week you say something,feel something, wear something.
It's like bro, bro, that's so,bro, you're doing too much.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Do you remember what I called you in this argument,
guys?
I actually called him a name,which is not recommended, but do
you remember what I called?
Speaker 2 (15:16):
you.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
She called me an old head remember she called me an
old head.
That was all I was getting thefeeling of was like he's this
old, 40s, 50s dad talking trashof like listen, I know what's
cool, I'm good 40s, 50s is noteven old.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
That's not.
It's not old.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
I'm saying because the viewpoint from me as a kid,
yeah, and looking at an olderdad and then then not listening
to you, and it was literallywhat I was trying not to do was
saying, okay, I can listen to ayounger generation.
To an extent, I want to hearthem, I want to be a better
listener.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Yeah, and that's where I felt like in that whole
argument was the difference.
I think you were working sohard to just listen to the
critics.
Like what are all your criticssaying, okay, let's give them
what they want, it's going tomake you feel better, right, son
?
Like what are all your criticssaying, right, ok, let's give
them what they want, it's goingto make you feel better, right,
son?
Like it will make them feelbetter or make them feel
accepted.
And I obviously said a lotabout your upbringing.
I said a lot about you.
(16:08):
I'm just like what did I say?
Ok, ok, then we'll change it.
And for me, I was saying forgetthe critics, yeah, matter of
fact, those people that you'retrying to please when you do
what they ask them or when youdo what they want you to do.
It changes they change and wantto go back the kid my son had an
Afro.
People say you should braid it.
He braids it.
We miss your Afro Idiot.
I'm like, see, buddy, I'm goingto go fight all these kids, but
(16:30):
I wanted to teach himself-esteem.
I wanted to teach him son, ifyou like it, like this, right,
enjoy and say you like it.
Now, of course, don't be sostubborn and not willing to
change with the change.
Right, like I'm saying that'swhat I want to teach them.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
but I'm like don't do it until you're ready though
and, to be fair, your family,like all of you and your
siblings.
That is something that you guyshave always carried and I've
always admired about your familyand how your parents raised you
and and that was to be true tolike your own style, do what you
want to do.
Y'all were always kind of alittle bit different in how you
(17:07):
dressed, how you carriedyourselves, and I always loved
that about you guys.
So I do think it's an importantcharacteristic to treat, teach
to our kids.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Yeah, that's so true.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
I think it's very important.
So what are some other waysthat we have learned in conflict
to help resolve it maybe fasteror to not make it escalate?
Speaker 2 (17:29):
I think people need to humble themselves and say
when they do not have words toexplain, ask for more time.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
To be fair, you're talking.
I literally asked the questionof how we acts for more time.
To be fair, you're talking.
I literally asked a question ofhow we and that is very much so
me Like.
That was one that I really hadto learn.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
I think what happens is people are embarrassed.
We get embarrassed when someoneasks us a question and we don't
have the answer.
So we feel like we have tothink quick and just give an
answer.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
And it's not always.
Again, it's what I've talkedabout of like the.
The feeling of embarrassment isnot actually what we feel right
away.
The feeling we actually feelright away is anger Like, and
then we just blurt something outso quickly.
But when you take a step back,you think back and you process,
you're like, oh my gosh, I feltso put on blast and I didn't
(18:18):
have any words.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
So I was angry and I just blurted out whatever came
first, and then what happens isthe very next day you say
comments like, or someone wouldsay comments like.
I guess what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
I said that all the time when I would get frustrated
.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
I guess what I'm trying, or now that I think
about it, yeah, comments likethat is basically exposing
yourself because you're tellingme oh, you didn't think about it
the first time.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
Yeah, I didn't have a whole thought, not that I think
about it, it was all gibberish,or what I was trying to say,
right?
Speaker 2 (18:43):
So I say this all the time of like, and if you don't
have any words yet, it's okay.
So there's times I said I'llsay babe, I'm about to ask you a
question and if you need timeto think about it, I'm think
(19:05):
about that.
Wow, versus someone who justanswers really quick and then
has to keep adding on it thenext day or escalates.
And so I think a really goodthing that we've been learning
and practicing to do when we getinto arguments, when we're
fighting, is learning to humbleyourself, humble ourselves and
say let me think about that.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
Or I don't have words .
Speaker 2 (19:17):
Yeah, matter of fact, in this argument that we had
last week or two weeks ago, youasked me what do you need from
me, which that's another advicethat I'd say all the time is at
the end of the argument, like ifyou don't ask your partner what
do you need from me in orderfor this to not happen again.
I said let me think about it.
It took us.
(19:38):
It took a good solid twominutes.
So when I finally realized,it's like I just want to.
I just want you to acknowledgemy obligation as a dad and I'm
not saying I'm discreditingfeelings and emotions.
You have already accomplishedthat as a mom and you're doing a
really good job.
You went on TikTok.
(19:58):
You're doing research.
You told me to do research.
Why don't you go on YouTube andlearn how to braid?
Speaker 1 (20:02):
I'm like what I didn't tell you to learn how to
braid what the mom I did not.
I told you to go look up whatthe trends were If I'm going to
go research.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
It's going to be how to motivate, how to motivate
your kids to have highself-esteem.
It'd be that, but it was like Ijust want you to acknowledge my
responsibility as a dad is toteach my kids to be firm in
society is to know what theystand for.
If they stand for something,they'll always stand for
something.
They stand for nothing, theywill stand for nothing.
(20:33):
Deciding where do you want tostand.
And then, if there's a trendthat's out, kiddo that you're
not sure yet how you stand withit, verbalize that.
I don't know how I feel aboutthat style yet.
Yeah, say that versus the oh,it's dope or I hate it.
Don't talk too quick, thinkabout it.
And if you're like, I like it,but I don't know if I could rock
that yet, like that, like whatI'm saying.
So I think two things peopleneed to learn how to humble
(20:56):
themselves to get to the pointwhere it's like you know what, I
don't, I don't have words yet,where I can't really explain.
I'm very frustrated right nowand I really need time.
And the second thing is is whatI said is, when it comes to
preventing arguments like thisfrom happening again, is
learning to stop at the end ofit and say okay, I see where
(21:16):
you're coming from.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
I'm a verbalize your argument point for you, cause
that lets you know that I seeright, I'm gonna verbalize your
argument point for you becausethat lets you know that.
I see, I see it from from yourseat.
Yeah, and then also, what doyou need from me?
It happened today before westarted doing this recording.
Yeah, actually like so.
Then what do I need to adjust?
What do I need to change?
Because we're in relationshipstogether, like if somebody's
really stubborn and sticking totheir guns, I'm like all right,
cool, go ahead and stay marriedto yourself, right, like you
(21:41):
know, I'm saying yeah, so it'swild.
I, I, I will say I'm proud ofus over the last 15 years.
This year, this week would makeit 15 years since we've been
married 15 years and, um, ourfirst couple years, we have some
explosive arguments.
Man, we used to fight by somedumb stuff that we look at it
now.
I, I remember getting so angry,punching a hole in the wall,
(22:01):
yep, like we used to argue aboutsome goofy stuff that we look
at it now.
I remember getting so angry,punching a hole in the wall, yep
, like we used to argue aboutsome goofy stuff of like whether
, when you live in the coldweather, should your kids wear a
snow jacket while you put themin the car seat.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
That was a hot button y'all I was.
That was a hard one for me.
It was very hard.
Should we talk?
Speaker 2 (22:17):
I don't want to talk about that.
I don't want to talk about that.
I don't even want to talk aboutit.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
You don't want to talk about it.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
How do you feel now, though, like when we're in
explosive, like argumentativemoments, like do you feel like
you're able to contain andcontrol yourself, to be able to
articulate what you're goingthrough and what you're feeling
properly?
Or do you feel like you're inplaces where, like you just feel
heat behind your ears, youstart getting angry, or because
sometimes I see it, I'm like, ohthere, she is Ten nine.
(22:46):
And I'm like yo, stay clear,she's about to blow.
The rocket ship is about to gooff right now.
Oh Lord, yeah.
So like, where are you rightnow, like when it comes to us,
and you feel like there'sthere's something about to
happen because we don't arguemuch?
Yeah, we actually don't arguemuch, and some of you say, well,
(23:07):
if you guys don't argue, youguys are unhealthy silence.
All right, we're like, relax,we're actually healthy now.
One of the reasons why we don'targue much anymore is because
we understand each other rightand we've learned how to
communicate when we're notunderstanding.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
That's why we wanted to share that.
This one argument was longerand bigger than we've had in a
very long time and and it allboiled down to because we
weren't understanding each other.
Um and so, because we have donea lot better and we've put in a
lot of work to hear each otherand understand each other better
.
It doesn't happen very often,but with my emotions and when
(23:34):
we're in arguments, I think as awhole in my thirties, as a
whole in my thirties I have justreally had like a light bulb
moment of I can choose tocontrol my emotions.
I think up until my thirties Imean maybe even a few years ago
(23:58):
like I could just get so angrythat I would, you know, throw
something, or just likeliterally, and maybe a lot of it
was, you know, postpartum,having two kids and stuff like
that Maybe most of the times I'mthinking of were revolving
around those two life um, lifemoments, whatever.
So maybe a lot of that was thosehormone rages and things like
that.
But now in this season, I feellike I have more control over my
(24:22):
emotions than ever.
And so when we're in arguments,even if I do feel like the
cartoon character where, like,steam is coming out of my head
and my ears and my face is red,and even if I feel that way,
choosing to either take a deepbreath or choosing to say I need
(24:45):
a minute, meaning like I'mabout to lose it on you.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
You take those pretty often, but go ahead.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Because then I'm successful.
That's true, thank you verymuch.
That's true.
That's a pat on the back for me.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
That is.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
Because I'm about to drop words that will not go over
.
Well, I'm going to go, I'mgoing to say things that I'll
regret.
I'll get too loud, I'll get toospicy, and so I actually, if I
get that close, I'm like I needa minute and then I can come
back with my thoughts sorted,because that is me.
A lot is that I want to pop off, I want to yell, I want to
(25:20):
scream, I want to fight, whenall my thoughts are so scattered
that I actually can't put myfinger on what I'm feeling or
what I want to say right now.
So when I take a minute and Ican go back and I can literally
think through, okay, I guesswhat I'm trying to say is that
this is how I'm feeling and ifyou can do this, that would make
me not feel that way as muchanymore.
Oh my gosh, it's like a wholenew tool belt.
(25:43):
And then I come back and outand then I'll literally say,
okay, what I was trying to sayand I wasn't doing a very good
job of it.
So, always takingaccountability for the part of
it that you have, like saying,like, okay, I probably wasn't
saying this very well, I thoughtI was, but since it wasn't
getting to you, I wasn't doingit very well, but this is what
(26:03):
I'm trying to say.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
Yeah, that's big, that's big.
The last thing that I want tosay is one way to really help
you get through argumentativemoments is finding something to
apologize for.
Yes, that's huge.
Always one thing that you couldfind to say hey, you know what
I stand with, what I believe,but I will say this I'm sorry
(26:24):
that I came in hot.
Yeah, there's always somethingyou can find.
I'm sorry that I wasinsensitive of what you were
going through that day.
I'm sorry that I cut you offand didn't give you an
opportunity to share where youwere coming from.
I'm sorry that I was soheadstrong that I refused to
(26:44):
even understand what you weresaying.
What you were saying, yeah, sothat's really helped us in our
arguments.
You know, I I tend to apologizereally quick, like sometimes
it's annoying.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
No, sir, I'm sorry, we're not done no.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
I'm sorry, can we go to bed?
Speaker 1 (26:58):
now.
No, no, I think another one too, and this is just a small one,
but it's big and that is toeliminate always and never out
of your conversations and out ofyour arguments.
You always make me feel thisway.
You never do this Like.
We learned that a few years agoand it actually changed the way
we were able to argue and havea disagreement and have conflict
(27:20):
.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
Oh, bro, it's big.
Those are fighting words.
They are I'm going to say thatright now Like if you want to
learn some fighting words, saycomments like you always and say
stuff like and you never.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
I'm like yo, you're acting like, because then all
the other person is going to dois be defensive.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
I'm going to be like I never.
Speaker 1 (27:36):
Right.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
I never what one time and now you just got now.
You just got derailed and nowyou're arguing about something
that's some, that that's a wholenother conversation for a whole
nother day, because you're like, and you always it's like yo,
there's bro.
We can go on on the list man Ican give you another one.
Say like another thing, like toreally focus on, like when it
comes to arguing, is stayfocused, don't go off tangents
and argue about other things.
It's like yo let's put a pin inthat one.
(27:58):
We we're going to argue aboutthat one tomorrow.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
We've just scheduled that argument, but let's get
back to the one we started.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
Because I say it all the time.
I was like let's stay focusedbecause I feel like you're
trying to find something not toargue about.
Because then I'm going to bemad about that one, and to me I
feel like that's fighting dirty.
It's like I'm saying yeah, soanyways.
I think we need to be done withthis because, first of all Wait
, I want to say one more thing,though.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
She said we got to go , we got to go, we got to go.
The last thing I would say isand I want to encourage everyone
listening is please, please,please, make sure that when you
do have conflict, when you dohave an argument, resolve.
(28:47):
Leaving it open-ended, leavingit at a disagreement, leaving it
with no calm conversationfollowing it, is not a solution.
It's not going to heal itself.
It's literally sweeping dustunder a rug.
And if you're trying to build along-term relationship with any
of those people what I saidearlier friendships, coworkers,
a boyfriend, a girlfriend, yourparents, like, whatever it is if
you do not resolve thatconflict, it is just piling
(29:09):
under a rug and it's waiting foryou.
Whenever, the next time youmove out, the next time you
clean house, whatever it is,they will all be sitting there
waiting for you, and most of thetime, that's when they all come
out.
Is that one big argument?
And you pull everything outfrom under the rug and you said
do you remember when you didthis to me?
Do you remember when you didthat?
Do you remember?
And it never got resolved.
So I just want to encourageeveryone out there to continue
(29:33):
to build healthy relationships.
Make sure you get that momentof resolve.
It doesn't mean that you hearyou're right, I was wrong.
You may not hear those words,but coming back and saying what
do you need from me, what couldI have done better?
And then making sure that,moving forward, you know how to
handle it a little bit betterand a little bit different, and
that will create growth in thatrelationship.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
Yeah, man.
So a quick recap you want toget better at arguing.
You want to get better atstepping away from arguments.
You, if you want to get to aplace where you're no longer
arguing, like, learn to let goof your pride, even though you
feel strong with where you stand.
Learn to meet the other personhalfway.
What does that mean?
Like, learn to understand theirviewpoint, even if they're in
the wrong.
Like, learn to fight for them.
(30:16):
Say that all the time.
Before you want to fight yourpoint, try to repeat the other
person's point for them so thatthey understand.
Wow, you really understandwhere I'm coming from.
Another one is humble yourself.
If you do not have the words,tell the person that you're in
conflict with.
Tell them, like you know what Ineed to get my words together,
because I feel like I'm going tosay some stuff that I'm going
to regret tomorrow.
If you have to come backtomorrow and say what I was
(30:37):
trying to say, or if you saystuff like now that I think
about it, that's telling theperson that you're arguing with
or that you're in conflict withthat you weren't thinking about
it before.
Or you use words before thatyou have to take back.
That's what you're doing.
Another one is we just said itright now like learn to remove
comments and phrases like youalways do bop, bop, bop, or you
never do dot dot, dot, causethat makes it, that derails the
(30:59):
argument, and now you startarguing about other things.
Learn to stay focused, man, andso is that it.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
I think that's all of them, and then resolve it.
Yeah, resolve it.
That's the last one was resolveit.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
Oh.
And then we always say like,ask the person, like what can I
do?
Speaker 1 (31:11):
Yeah, what do you?
Speaker 2 (31:12):
need from me.
That's always big.
What do you need from me to youguys?
Don't forget, hit that thumbsup, hit that like button, send
some love to as well.
We love you guys.
Um, we got a list of peoplethat we just want to shout out.
I don't have that list in frontof me right now, but all of our
lists shout out to some new umum subscribers like Emily.
(31:32):
We see you, you've been, I knowyou've been messaging Danily and
we've been hearing from you,and so that's really cool.
Of course, wayne man, you'refaithful man, love you, bro.
There's some other people too.
Is it from Pasadena?
Is it Ray, raylyn, or I can'tReina Reina, is it Reina?
Yeah, yeah.
So, anyways, we got a wholelist.
(31:53):
I wrote it down the other dayand I didn't bring my list.
So, anyways, we'll give youshout outs on the next time.
We got some hats, we got somehoodies, things like that.
You guys can go ahead and buythat merch.
Represent LDC.
Yo, send us a DM, send us amessage on IG.
How can we help you guys out?
How can we be praying for you?
How can we come alongside you?
Life was not meant to be donealone, so we're here to help you
(32:15):
grow a deeper relationship withGod, others and yourself.
So till next time, peace.
Hey, let's Dig crew.
We are so thankful that youhave joined this conversation.
Today is full of some tea y'all, so you're going to want to be
in on this.
But first, will you comment onthis video?
Will you hit the like button?
Will you send us some love onYouTube?
If you are listening on ApplePodcasts on Spotify, leave us a
review and honestly send this tosomeone you love.
(00:23):
Send this to someone who it willencourage.
We hope that all of ourconversations have been bringing
value to your life, and if youdon't know why we're here, we
are here to help you grow adeeper relationship with God,
others and yourself.
So, all that being said, Ithink I got all the logistics
out the way.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Well, you said tea.
We're not going to be gossiping.
I mean, it's like give me thetea.
What's the tea?
Speaker 1 (00:48):
It's like the piping hot, it's like the business.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Okay, I don't know what type of business you are
looking for the business but wedon't have the business here for
the tea.
That's my Haitian accent y'all.
If you guys haven't heard it,all right, let's get into it.
I was going to say let's dig,but then you had to smash the
team.
We got into a prettyinteresting argument before we
started recording thisconversation, which we're
talking about arguments.
We're talking about thattension, that conflict debate.
(01:17):
We used to get into huge,massive fights when we first got
married.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
We sure did.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
And we got into a pretty big fight, I would say
last week.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Yeah, it was one of those ones that lasted longer
than we're used to now.
So, before in our marriage thefights would last days, days and
days and days.
But I think in our skill setsafter therapy, being in a
healthier place, we've learnedto resolve them a lot quicker.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
But this one stuck around for a little bit longer,
and longer than we would feelmore comfortable like now in
this life, now that we'velearned our isms, our
personalities.
But I think let's jump into it,man, let's dig.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
All right, let's dig.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Let's dig.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
So a few weeks ago, two weeks ago, we were in an
argument basically about guys.
You'll never guess.
It was about our son's hair.
Yeah, our child, he is 11.
He is a mixed baby boy.
He is so handsome, almost astall as me, and he has been
(02:20):
getting like some form of twistor braids or a low fade,
whatever it's.
All the details that don'tmatter.
But in essence we were arguingabout his haircut and my
viewpoint was that some of theyounger generation one guy was
like I think he's 17.
Another guy was like in his 20sand they kind of mentioned
(02:43):
something about Jordan's haircutto me and I'm the one who does
Jordan's braids and twists, andPierre is the one who fades
Jordan's hair, gives him an edgeand all that stuff.
And so I started to get alittle concerned that my age was
showing and that maybe my kid'shairstyle was not as cool as I
(03:04):
thought it would be.
And so when I started bringingit up to Pierre, pierre was just
like nah, man, like I know,it's whatever, like it's good,
it's fine, everything iseverything Like you can have.
This guy can have braids.
This guy can have twists.
This guy can have it faded uphere, this guy can have it low.
This guy can have it messy.
This guy can have no edge pause,let's just oh, you don't think
(03:24):
that that was your argument bigold fat pause right here.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Let's just bring clarity.
We actually wasn't even arguingyet.
It was just smooth, casualconversation.
Like you guys ever like youknow, like, let's say, it's your
wife or your husband or yourboyfriend, your girlfriend, like
like somebody you're in likerelationship with, you just go
to have a normal casualconversation, just assuming the
person you're talking to isgonna be on the same page as you
.
And so they're like wait, what?
(03:47):
What are you doing?
Wait, why are you doing that?
And then you start feelingtension and you're like wait, I
was just, I just came to justloop you in on something that
I'm doing, something that we'retalking about, and that that's
kind of like what happened.
You was just telling me like,yeah, I'm thinking about
changing.
Yeah, cool, I mean, we've he'shad the same hairstyle for a
couple of months now.
He hasn't complained,everybody's been fine, it's,
(04:07):
it's low maintenance, go aheadand roll with it.
So you're like okay, but when Ifound like when I found out
that you wanted to change hishairstyle because he brought to
your attention that some kidshave been making comments, some
his age and some older than him,which that my alarms as a dad
went off, but I didn't make thatclear that it was like dad
(04:30):
alarms of, like no, who careswhat people say.
I was just like no man, he'sfine, his hair goes fine, and so
I was just starting to feellike a little, I guess.
Um, uh, let me find the rightword.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Let me help you, Prideful prideful, maybe
prideful.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
I was just like thinking our kids are fine, they
look good, I know.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
And that was guys.
This is it.
This was the argument.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
This is what I was arguing of Like.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
I know that you think that you know all the trends.
You're trendy, you're cool dadLike the kids at school call you
what do they call you?
Speaker 2 (05:08):
I'm not going to quote the kids, like Jordan's,
I'm not going to quote the kids.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
The fifth graders at the school literally say he's
like dad Riz.
So that was literally.
My argument was that Iunderstand.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Drip dad, by the way, oh, it's drip dad.
I'm the drip dad at school.
Drip daddy.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Guys, he's not lying, anyways.
So that was my argument wasthat I understand you're on
trend, you're cool, you're swag,everybody's like whatever, but
like there is a reality to thefact that we are closer to 40
than 30.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
You're closer to 40 than 30.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
Excuse me, your birthday's next month.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Go ahead.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
And I don't want to be those parents that are just
so ignorant and think that nocause, we're cool, my kids are
cool.
I don't want to be the causethat my kid's getting made fun
of, like his haircut or whatever, and so I'm humble enough to be
like, wait, maybe he's grownout of dad doing his haircuts.
So hold on and your pride.
(06:05):
I do not think you could hearme.
You could not take that from me.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
But so we're arguing, guys, we're arguing about this.
I mean, it goes overnight thenext day, which should be fair.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
It wasn't like I was mad at you the whole entire two
days, like there was theargument and then we were able
to like, be okay and function,and then when we talked about it
again, it was like we evenstarted arguing in front of the
kids, like we.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
We were at the outlet and we stopped just to argue
because I'm like I don't like towalk and argue but it had not.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
We had not had one like this in a very long time,
and it was little, it was justit was.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
We both just started like but here's the thing I
think both of us was pridefuland we're going to tell
everybody what we were pridefulabout here.
In a second Cause I had my Idon't know it.
Nah, okay, I'm gonna say rightnow I had dad pride, you had mom
pride.
Okay, fair, I'll take that,because the kid comments about
(07:05):
his hair right.
And then he heard another, uh,teenager right make a comment
about bro, you're fit, and hewas like, wait, is it good or
bad?
He was just everything.
He's getting into that stage to11, 12, that age group, that
dark years of everyone's life,middle school, where you care so
much what everyone thinks, likeyou're not sure.
It's tough years.
So every single commenteverybody's making towards him,
right, he's moving off of it.
And you, as a mom, you werefeeling that, yes, and you took
(07:27):
pride in being a mom and you'relike, okay, what do you want to
do then?
How do you want to change yourhair?
Let me do some research, let mego on tiktok, let me get.
So.
As a mom, you felt that becauseyou, you were nurturing to make
fun of him.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
You don't want kids to make fun of him because of my
lack of the trends or whatever.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
And here's the thing.
We argued about this for awhole day, through the night,
even the next day, even the nextday it's his birthday and he's
like yo bring everybody's momand dad bring donuts to the
school, but they don't comeinside the school and drop off
the donuts with plates andnapkins.
Danny Lee's like we're going todo exactly just that For me.
I'm like man, I'm going to walkright into that school and
deliver the donuts myself.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
There's that pride again.
Boy, have mercy.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
But here's the thing we both had pride and we didn't
realize this till that very nextday, like that night, when we
(08:27):
both had better words toarticulate what we were going
through.
And what really happened was wefelt so strong about our
feelings and our thoughts andhow we saw our perspective that
we just refused to see the otherperson's perspective, which
that's pride.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
And when that came to that point and you said here's
what I'm trying to say and youran down all the things, which
was that these youngergenerations are so ever-changing
with just how the trends comein, so quickly they go out, and
so this younger generation we'reseeing them to where, like,
they don't stick to anything.
(08:53):
They change constantly and sotrends will continue to change.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
They get obsessed with something one week, the
next week, that thing they wereobsessed with is so last week.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
And so you were trying to make sure that we
teach our son what do you think?
How do you feel?
What do you like?
Who cares about the trends?
They'll come and go, and onceyou got to that point, I
actually agreed with everythingyou said.
Yeah, um, I was like, yeah, Iactually agree that we should
teach him to not worry aboutother people's opinions and
feelings and what they say tohim, and that that shouldn't,
(09:24):
like, make you waver or changeyour hair.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
You care so much for the mental and emotional
well-being of our children andemotions has so much to do with
their soul and their personalityand your job is to nurture that
.
So when your son comes homemaking comments about what other
kids said and you can see it'sgetting to him and it's hurting
his feeling, your job as a momis to nurture that Right.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
And to protect him.
So for you it's like okay, baby, what do you want to do?
Speaker 2 (10:00):
that Right and to protect it.
So for you it's like okay, baby, what do you want to do?
How do you want to do?
Do you want to change your hair?
What did that kid say what didthat?
And so for me I'm like forgetthat kid.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
We're going to jump that kid man.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
He's nothing anyways.
Kid's a joke.
Matter of fact, I want to meethis dad.
I said that kid's a joke, hisdad's a joke, his mom's a joke.
His whole ass.
I said I bet his whole face isa joke.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
Oh my gosh, he's not lying guys.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
He's trash talking these fifth graders like
nobody's business.
I was like you guys because Ithink really to have a healthy
argument, you need to learn howto fight for the person that
you're arguing with.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
That means learning to fight their point for them.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
And we've done really good at that for the last four
or five years since our marriagetherapy.
And this was one that like weactually didn't realize that we
were not hearing each other,like today, we were having a
discussion and I kept tellingyou we are not on the same page.
We are not on the same pageLike we're talking, like I'm
asking questions but you'reanswering them differently than
(11:13):
like I could tell we were nothearing each other.
But this specific argumentabout Jordan's hair, I don't
think either of us realized thatwe weren't hearing each other
and when we got to the end of it, you literally said I guess I
just wasn't hearing you say thatand I was like I know you
weren't hearing what I wassaying and I wasn't hearing what
(11:34):
you landed on either.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
And I think what happens is because we both feel
so strong about what we feelthat everything else must be
wrong.
Huh.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
That's true.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Your feelings like it , and I think that's something
that really can stunt somebody'sgrowth.
Yeah, you know, for you to belike well, here's how I see it,
here's how I feel yourperception can still be wrong
For sure.
Right, I like to like I saythis all the time Well, let's
look at the record, let's let'slook at the credibility, let's
look at the score sheets, thescorecards, and so you can say
well, here's how I see it,here's how I feel it, here's how
(12:06):
I think in my mind, here's whatit should look like.
I hear everything.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
You're how I felt, how I saw it, my perspective my
perception of it that surely noother way of seeing it can be
(12:29):
right, yeah, and, and you know,oftentimes when you do what you
said earlier of, you should knowso well to fight the other
person's argument for them.
When you do that, you save me alot of time, a lot of
frustration, and with this one,that just wasn't happening yeah
it what but?
but I love that tool of likewhen you're going into conflict
(12:52):
with whoever you are in conflictwith, whether it's a co-worker
of a friendship, um an actual,like platonic or not platonic
romantic relationship, um,platonic romantic relationship,
a relationship with your olderparents, like all those things
like verbalizing that youunderstand what they're feeling
and where they're coming fromsaves so much time in an
(13:14):
argument, and that is proof whenyou look at that this argument
went for two days, like wentover the span of two days.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Yeah, it went for two days and I understand, like
where you're coming from, andhere's what's even wild too.
Both of us were right in how wefelt and how we saw it, but we
were wrong, not even willing tosee the other person's
perspective.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
And.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
I think that really is dangerous when two people are
in conflict.
For me, like I'll tell you thisright now Like I refuse to be
in conflict or debate or arguewith somebody that already has
no interest in seeing it how Isee it.
Yeah, that's very true.
If you can't even see it how Isee it or you have no desire to
understand how I see it, yeah, Idon't want to argue with you.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
No, I don't want to argue with you.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
I actually don't want to fight with you, there's no
point, because you have nointerest in understanding where
I'm coming from.
What do I have to say tosomeone who doesn't even want to
understand, even if, even if,like you, were in the right?
But let's say you were in theright and I was in the wrong.
But if I had to explain myself,for you to say you know what,
explain to me what led you tosee it, how you saw it.
(14:19):
Cause, explain to me what ledyou to see it, how you saw it,
because that would give you abetter understanding of how the
mechanisms of my mind works,like what I'm saying.
Yeah, that would still gainunderstanding, because then you
can say oh, wow, ah, I see howyou think.
Oh, I can see how you saw it,because we all have different
operating systems, a hundredpercent.
We all have differentoperations.
Ultimately, we both wereprideful in that moment.
(14:39):
We all have differentoperations.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Ultimately, we both were prideful in that moment and
it wasn't even bad pride, Itook pride as a dad to teach my
son dignity to teach my sonself-esteem and I 100% agree
with it.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Hey, you might do something, say something, wear
something, feel something, thinksomething.
And everybody says yo, that'sdope.
Next week you say something,feel something, wear something.
It's like bro, bro, that's so,bro, you're doing too much.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Do you remember what I called you in this argument,
guys?
I actually called him a name,which is not recommended, but do
you remember what I called?
Speaker 2 (15:16):
you.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
She called me an old head remember she called me an
old head.
That was all I was getting thefeeling of was like he's this
old, 40s, 50s dad talking trashof like listen, I know what's
cool, I'm good 40s, 50s is noteven old.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
That's not.
It's not old.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
I'm saying because the viewpoint from me as a kid,
yeah, and looking at an olderdad and then then not listening
to you, and it was literallywhat I was trying not to do was
saying, okay, I can listen to ayounger generation.
To an extent, I want to hearthem, I want to be a better
listener.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Yeah, and that's where I felt like in that whole
argument was the difference.
I think you were working sohard to just listen to the
critics.
Like what are all your criticssaying, okay, let's give them
what they want, it's going tomake you feel better, right, son
?
Like what are all your criticssaying, right, ok, let's give
them what they want, it's goingto make you feel better, right,
son?
Like it will make them feelbetter or make them feel
accepted.
And I obviously said a lotabout your upbringing.
I said a lot about you.
(16:08):
I'm just like what did I say?
Ok, ok, then we'll change it.
And for me, I was saying forgetthe critics, yeah, matter of
fact, those people that you'retrying to please when you do
what they ask them or when youdo what they want you to do.
It changes they change and wantto go back the kid my son had an
Afro.
People say you should braid it.
He braids it.
We miss your Afro Idiot.
I'm like, see, buddy, I'm goingto go fight all these kids, but
(16:30):
I wanted to teach himself-esteem.
I wanted to teach him son, ifyou like it, like this, right,
enjoy and say you like it.
Now, of course, don't be sostubborn and not willing to
change with the change.
Right, like I'm saying that'swhat I want to teach them.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
but I'm like don't do it until you're ready though
and, to be fair, your family,like all of you and your
siblings.
That is something that you guyshave always carried and I've
always admired about your familyand how your parents raised you
and and that was to be true tolike your own style, do what you
want to do.
Y'all were always kind of alittle bit different in how you
(17:07):
dressed, how you carriedyourselves, and I always loved
that about you guys.
So I do think it's an importantcharacteristic to treat, teach
to our kids.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Yeah, that's so true.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
I think it's very important.
So what are some other waysthat we have learned in conflict
to help resolve it maybe fasteror to not make it escalate?
Speaker 2 (17:29):
I think people need to humble themselves and say
when they do not have words toexplain, ask for more time.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
To be fair, you're talking.
I literally asked the questionof how we acts for more time.
To be fair, you're talking.
I literally asked a question ofhow we and that is very much so
me Like.
That was one that I really hadto learn.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
I think what happens is people are embarrassed.
We get embarrassed when someoneasks us a question and we don't
have the answer.
So we feel like we have tothink quick and just give an
answer.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
And it's not always.
Again, it's what I've talkedabout of like the.
The feeling of embarrassment isnot actually what we feel right
away.
The feeling we actually feelright away is anger Like, and
then we just blurt something outso quickly.
But when you take a step back,you think back and you process,
you're like, oh my gosh, I feltso put on blast and I didn't
(18:18):
have any words.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
So I was angry and I just blurted out whatever came
first, and then what happens isthe very next day you say
comments like, or someone wouldsay comments like.
I guess what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
I said that all the time when I would get frustrated
.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
I guess what I'm trying, or now that I think
about it, yeah, comments likethat is basically exposing
yourself because you're tellingme oh, you didn't think about it
the first time.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
Yeah, I didn't have a whole thought, not that I think
about it, it was all gibberish,or what I was trying to say,
right?
Speaker 2 (18:43):
So I say this all the time of like, and if you don't
have any words yet, it's okay.
So there's times I said I'llsay babe, I'm about to ask you a
question and if you need timeto think about it, I'm think
(19:05):
about that.
Wow, versus someone who justanswers really quick and then
has to keep adding on it thenext day or escalates.
And so I think a really goodthing that we've been learning
and practicing to do when we getinto arguments, when we're
fighting, is learning to humbleyourself, humble ourselves and
say let me think about that.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
Or I don't have words .
Speaker 2 (19:17):
Yeah, matter of fact, in this argument that we had
last week or two weeks ago, youasked me what do you need from
me, which that's another advicethat I'd say all the time is at
the end of the argument, like ifyou don't ask your partner what
do you need from me in orderfor this to not happen again.
I said let me think about it.
It took us.
(19:38):
It took a good solid twominutes.
So when I finally realized,it's like I just want to.
I just want you to acknowledgemy obligation as a dad and I'm
not saying I'm discreditingfeelings and emotions.
You have already accomplishedthat as a mom and you're doing a
really good job.
You went on TikTok.
(19:58):
You're doing research.
You told me to do research.
Why don't you go on YouTube andlearn how to braid?
Speaker 1 (20:02):
I'm like what I didn't tell you to learn how to
braid what the mom I did not.
I told you to go look up whatthe trends were If I'm going to
go research.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
It's going to be how to motivate, how to motivate
your kids to have highself-esteem.
It'd be that, but it was like Ijust want you to acknowledge my
responsibility as a dad is toteach my kids to be firm in
society is to know what theystand for.
If they stand for something,they'll always stand for
something.
They stand for nothing, theywill stand for nothing.
(20:33):
Deciding where do you want tostand.
And then, if there's a trendthat's out, kiddo that you're
not sure yet how you stand withit, verbalize that.
I don't know how I feel aboutthat style yet.
Yeah, say that versus the oh,it's dope or I hate it.
Don't talk too quick, thinkabout it.
And if you're like, I like it,but I don't know if I could rock
that yet, like that, like whatI'm saying.
So I think two things peopleneed to learn how to humble
(20:56):
themselves to get to the pointwhere it's like you know what, I
don't, I don't have words yet,where I can't really explain.
I'm very frustrated right nowand I really need time.
And the second thing is is whatI said is, when it comes to
preventing arguments like thisfrom happening again, is
learning to stop at the end ofit and say okay, I see where
(21:16):
you're coming from.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
I'm a verbalize your argument point for you, cause
that lets you know that I seeright, I'm gonna verbalize your
argument point for you becausethat lets you know that.
I see, I see it from from yourseat.
Yeah, and then also, what doyou need from me?
It happened today before westarted doing this recording.
Yeah, actually like so.
Then what do I need to adjust?
What do I need to change?
Because we're in relationshipstogether, like if somebody's
really stubborn and sticking totheir guns, I'm like all right,
cool, go ahead and stay marriedto yourself, right, like you
(21:41):
know, I'm saying yeah, so it'swild.
I, I, I will say I'm proud ofus over the last 15 years.
This year, this week would makeit 15 years since we've been
married 15 years and, um, ourfirst couple years, we have some
explosive arguments.
Man, we used to fight by somedumb stuff that we look at it
now.
I, I remember getting so angry,punching a hole in the wall,
(22:01):
yep, like we used to argue aboutsome goofy stuff that we look
at it now.
I remember getting so angry,punching a hole in the wall, yep
, like we used to argue aboutsome goofy stuff of like whether
, when you live in the coldweather, should your kids wear a
snow jacket while you put themin the car seat.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
That was a hot button y'all I was.
That was a hard one for me.
It was very hard.
Should we talk?
Speaker 2 (22:17):
I don't want to talk about that.
I don't want to talk about that.
I don't even want to talk aboutit.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
You don't want to talk about it.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
How do you feel now, though, like when we're in
explosive, like argumentativemoments, like do you feel like
you're able to contain andcontrol yourself, to be able to
articulate what you're goingthrough and what you're feeling
properly?
Or do you feel like you're inplaces where, like you just feel
heat behind your ears, youstart getting angry, or because
sometimes I see it, I'm like, ohthere, she is Ten nine.
(22:46):
And I'm like yo, stay clear,she's about to blow.
The rocket ship is about to gooff right now.
Oh Lord, yeah.
So like, where are you rightnow, like when it comes to us,
and you feel like there'sthere's something about to
happen because we don't arguemuch?
Yeah, we actually don't arguemuch, and some of you say, well,
(23:07):
if you guys don't argue, youguys are unhealthy silence.
All right, we're like, relax,we're actually healthy now.
One of the reasons why we don'targue much anymore is because
we understand each other rightand we've learned how to
communicate when we're notunderstanding.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
That's why we wanted to share that.
This one argument was longerand bigger than we've had in a
very long time and and it allboiled down to because we
weren't understanding each other.
Um and so, because we have donea lot better and we've put in a
lot of work to hear each otherand understand each other better
.
It doesn't happen very often,but with my emotions and when
(23:34):
we're in arguments, I think as awhole in my thirties, as a
whole in my thirties I have justreally had like a light bulb
moment of I can choose tocontrol my emotions.
I think up until my thirties Imean maybe even a few years ago
(23:58):
like I could just get so angrythat I would, you know, throw
something, or just likeliterally, and maybe a lot of it
was, you know, postpartum,having two kids and stuff like
that Maybe most of the times I'mthinking of were revolving
around those two life um, lifemoments, whatever.
So maybe a lot of that was thosehormone rages and things like
that.
But now in this season, I feellike I have more control over my
(24:22):
emotions than ever.
And so when we're in arguments,even if I do feel like the
cartoon character where, like,steam is coming out of my head
and my ears and my face is red,and even if I feel that way,
choosing to either take a deepbreath or choosing to say I need
(24:45):
a minute, meaning like I'mabout to lose it on you.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
You take those pretty often, but go ahead.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Because then I'm successful.
That's true, thank you verymuch.
That's true.
That's a pat on the back for me.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
That is.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
Because I'm about to drop words that will not go over
.
Well, I'm going to go, I'mgoing to say things that I'll
regret.
I'll get too loud, I'll get toospicy, and so I actually, if I
get that close, I'm like I needa minute and then I can come
back with my thoughts sorted,because that is me.
A lot is that I want to pop off, I want to yell, I want to
(25:20):
scream, I want to fight, whenall my thoughts are so scattered
that I actually can't put myfinger on what I'm feeling or
what I want to say right now.
So when I take a minute and Ican go back and I can literally
think through, okay, I guesswhat I'm trying to say is that
this is how I'm feeling and ifyou can do this, that would make
me not feel that way as muchanymore.
Oh my gosh, it's like a wholenew tool belt.
(25:43):
And then I come back and outand then I'll literally say,
okay, what I was trying to sayand I wasn't doing a very good
job of it.
So, always takingaccountability for the part of
it that you have, like saying,like, okay, I probably wasn't
saying this very well, I thoughtI was, but since it wasn't
getting to you, I wasn't doingit very well, but this is what
(26:03):
I'm trying to say.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
Yeah, that's big, that's big.
The last thing that I want tosay is one way to really help
you get through argumentativemoments is finding something to
apologize for.
Yes, that's huge.
Always one thing that you couldfind to say hey, you know what
I stand with, what I believe,but I will say this I'm sorry
(26:24):
that I came in hot.
Yeah, there's always somethingyou can find.
I'm sorry that I wasinsensitive of what you were
going through that day.
I'm sorry that I cut you offand didn't give you an
opportunity to share where youwere coming from.
I'm sorry that I was soheadstrong that I refused to
(26:44):
even understand what you weresaying.
What you were saying, yeah, sothat's really helped us in our
arguments.
You know, I I tend to apologizereally quick, like sometimes
it's annoying.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
No, sir, I'm sorry, we're not done no.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
I'm sorry, can we go to bed?
Speaker 1 (26:58):
now.
No, no, I think another one too, and this is just a small one,
but it's big and that is toeliminate always and never out
of your conversations and out ofyour arguments.
You always make me feel thisway.
You never do this Like.
We learned that a few years agoand it actually changed the way
we were able to argue and havea disagreement and have conflict
(27:20):
.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
Oh, bro, it's big.
Those are fighting words.
They are I'm going to say thatright now Like if you want to
learn some fighting words, saycomments like you always and say
stuff like and you never.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
I'm like yo, you're acting like, because then all
the other person is going to dois be defensive.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
I'm going to be like I never.
Speaker 1 (27:36):
Right.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
I never what one time and now you just got now.
You just got derailed and nowyou're arguing about something
that's some, that that's a wholenother conversation for a whole
nother day, because you're like, and you always it's like yo,
there's bro.
We can go on on the list man Ican give you another one.
Say like another thing, like toreally focus on, like when it
comes to arguing, is stayfocused, don't go off tangents
and argue about other things.
It's like yo let's put a pin inthat one.
(27:58):
We we're going to argue aboutthat one tomorrow.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
We've just scheduled that argument, but let's get
back to the one we started.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
Because I say it all the time.
I was like let's stay focusedbecause I feel like you're
trying to find something not toargue about.
Because then I'm going to bemad about that one, and to me I
feel like that's fighting dirty.
It's like I'm saying yeah, soanyways.
I think we need to be done withthis because, first of all Wait
, I want to say one more thing,though.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
She said we got to go , we got to go, we got to go.
The last thing I would say isand I want to encourage everyone
listening is please, please,please, make sure that when you
do have conflict, when you dohave an argument, resolve.
(28:47):
Leaving it open-ended, leavingit at a disagreement, leaving it
with no calm conversationfollowing it, is not a solution.
It's not going to heal itself.
It's literally sweeping dustunder a rug.
And if you're trying to build along-term relationship with any
of those people what I saidearlier friendships, coworkers,
a boyfriend, a girlfriend, yourparents, like, whatever it is if
you do not resolve thatconflict, it is just piling
(29:09):
under a rug and it's waiting foryou.
Whenever, the next time youmove out, the next time you
clean house, whatever it is,they will all be sitting there
waiting for you, and most of thetime, that's when they all come
out.
Is that one big argument?
And you pull everything outfrom under the rug and you said
do you remember when you didthis to me?
Do you remember when you didthat?
Do you remember?
And it never got resolved.
So I just want to encourageeveryone out there to continue
(29:33):
to build healthy relationships.
Make sure you get that momentof resolve.
It doesn't mean that you hearyou're right, I was wrong.
You may not hear those words,but coming back and saying what
do you need from me, what couldI have done better?
And then making sure that,moving forward, you know how to
handle it a little bit betterand a little bit different, and
that will create growth in thatrelationship.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
Yeah, man.
So a quick recap you want toget better at arguing.
You want to get better atstepping away from arguments.
You, if you want to get to aplace where you're no longer
arguing, like, learn to let goof your pride, even though you
feel strong with where you stand.
Learn to meet the other personhalfway.
What does that mean?
Like, learn to understand theirviewpoint, even if they're in
the wrong.
Like, learn to fight for them.
(30:16):
Say that all the time.
Before you want to fight yourpoint, try to repeat the other
person's point for them so thatthey understand.
Wow, you really understandwhere I'm coming from.
Another one is humble yourself.
If you do not have the words,tell the person that you're in
conflict with.
Tell them, like you know what Ineed to get my words together,
because I feel like I'm going tosay some stuff that I'm going
to regret tomorrow.
If you have to come backtomorrow and say what I was
(30:37):
trying to say, or if you saystuff like now that I think
about it, that's telling theperson that you're arguing with
or that you're in conflict withthat you weren't thinking about
it before.
Or you use words before thatyou have to take back.
That's what you're doing.
Another one is we just said itright now like learn to remove
comments and phrases like youalways do bop, bop, bop, or you
never do dot dot, dot, causethat makes it, that derails the
(30:59):
argument, and now you startarguing about other things.
Learn to stay focused, man, andso is that it.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
I think that's all of them, and then resolve it.
Yeah, resolve it.
That's the last one was resolveit.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
Oh.
And then we always say like,ask the person, like what can I
do?
Speaker 1 (31:11):
Yeah, what do you?
Speaker 2 (31:12):
need from me.
That's always big.
What do you need from me to youguys?
Don't forget, hit that thumbsup, hit that like button, send
some love to as well.
We love you guys.
Um, we got a list of peoplethat we just want to shout out.
I don't have that list in frontof me right now, but all of our
lists shout out to some new umum subscribers like Emily.
(31:32):
We see you, you've been, I knowyou've been messaging Danily and
we've been hearing from you,and so that's really cool.
Of course, wayne man, you'refaithful man, love you, bro.
There's some other people too.
Is it from Pasadena?
Is it Ray, raylyn, or I can'tReina Reina, is it Reina?
Yeah, yeah.
So, anyways, we got a wholelist.
(31:53):
I wrote it down the other dayand I didn't bring my list.
So, anyways, we'll give youshout outs on the next time.
We got some hats, we got somehoodies, things like that.
You guys can go ahead and buythat merch.
Represent LDC.
Yo, send us a DM, send us amessage on IG.
How can we help you guys out?
How can we be praying for you?
How can we come alongside you?
Life was not meant to be donealone, so we're here to help you
(32:15):
grow a deeper relationship withGod, others and yourself.
So till next time, peace.
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