November 17, 2024 • 30 mins
What if guarding your personal space could transform your relationships and boost your sense of self-worth? We explore the powerful impact of setting healthy personal boundaries as we share our own stories, from struggling with people-pleasing to learning the value of protecting our time and peace. Discover how boundaries are an expression of self-respect, not a sign of unkindness, as we dissect the dynamics of social interactions with family, friends, and even within marriage.
Join us as we unpack the complexity of establishing boundaries in relationships and the crucial role they play in maintaining our identity. Through personal anecdotes, we reveal how prioritizing others' needs over our own can slowly erode our self-worth and lead to a loss of identity. We share insights on how mutual respect and understanding, fostered by clear boundaries, can enhance relationships instead of creating conflicts, turning them into a foundation for personal growth, better connections, and even more attractive dynamics in dating.
Dive into the art of articulating and safeguarding boundaries, as we discuss the importance of clear communication and the courage to address boundary violations. Learn how open conversations about personal limits not only strengthen relationships but also minimize misunderstandings. By supporting each other in this journey, we hope to empower you to have meaningful discussions about boundaries, paving the way for healthier interactions and a community that respects personal needs and limits. Engage with us and share your experiences in the comments — your voice is vital in this ongoing conversation.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What's up let's Dig crew.
Thank you for joining thisconversation.
Hey, if you are enjoying theseconversations, if they are
adding value to you, can you dous a favor?
Can you subscribe?
Can you like?
Can you comment?
Also, leave us a review onpodcast, Apple or Spotify.
We love those reviews.
They really help us and,honestly, they just really
(00:20):
encourage us to keep doing whatwe're doing.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Yeah, I think reviews to also help other people who
are still on the fence orlooking for good podcasts and
looking for good conversations.
I know for me I look at reviewson anything.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
That's true.
Do a little mustache.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
A little mustache is your mark.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Yeah, something I don't know what it was.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
I'm hot and sweaty because I'm wearing this really
heavyweight hoodie.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
It's true and it's not as cold Y this really
heavyweight hoodie, it's true,and it's not as cold.
Y'all know, pierre likes tofreeze me out for recordings and
today he didn't, so that makessense that you're sweating,
because I'm comfortable Speakingof this hoodie, though.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
we just got it.
It just came in, and I thinkit's time to go live with this
hoodie.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
I think so too, it's fire.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
We've been working on it for Turn around.
You guys need to see the backShow them.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Show the people.
You guys see this back righthere.
Show the people, no turn morebabe, it didn't work.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Oh man, can you guys see that right there?
Y'all see that.
Hey, I can see that a littlebit.
Hey, that's the hoodie rightthere.
So you guys already know that.
You guys already know what thismeans.
I already know.
(01:28):
It's the story of every singlechristian, every believer.
So if you're trying to find away to tell your story about
what god has done for you, getthis hoodie.
It's live right now.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
So on, shopify on our website on instagram on youtube
, facebook, um hey but I liketoday's conversation quality so
matter of fact, speaking of thishoodie, old life is gone.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
A new life is here.
We're going to talk aboutboundaries.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Okay, but we let's dig, okay, let's dig, let's dig,
okay.
So we're talking aboutboundaries today, right, and
I've had a lot of conversationsgoing on in relationships that
I'm walking with friends orpeople around me.
I'm talking about boundaries alot lately and I said to a
friend the other day I said theolder you get, the more
(02:10):
boundaries you have to implement.
And it's really true, the olderyou get, you have to set
boundaries with people that younever really imagined, like I
don't know your mom and dad,like you never imagined that
you'd have to set boundarieswith your mom and dad.
But the older you get, the moreyou have to, because you go off
when you start your own familyand you have to create that
healthy boundary right.
You have to set boundaries withfamily members that may live a
different lifestyle or maybethey just don't live the same as
(02:33):
you, and so it creates a littleconflict.
So healthy boundaries are theway to go about that.
So I was doing some researchabout this topic and the first
video I watched was signs thatyou have weak or a lack of
boundaries.
And the first twocharacteristics she described
(02:54):
were so embarrassingly mycharacter, my personality type
that I was embarrassed.
I wanted to turn it offactually, but the first one she
said was a sign of lack ofboundaries is that you have
trouble making decisions.
And I am that they.
She said that if you kind ofoverthink a decision or you kind
(03:15):
of go back and forth, peoplewith that characteristic can
have trouble setting boundaries.
And that is me for sure.
It's, it's 100%.
But, you don't?
Do you struggle?
Do you have a problem makingdecision or do you have a hard
time ever like landing on adecision?
No, Ever.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
No, I don't Are you, are you?
Oh, you want me to elaborate?
Speaker 1 (03:40):
I mean no, you don't have to.
You literally don't have aproblem with it.
Okay so, okay.
So the other one was so thefirst one is that you have a
hard time making decisions.
The second one was that you'rea people pleaser.
Pierre, do you ever strugglewith being a people pleaser?
I know you don't.
So I'm just going to talk toall the let's Dig crew because
(04:01):
Pierre does not fall into thiscategory.
But I have a hard time peoplepleasing and I have a hard time
making decisions.
But I have learned as I'vegotten older that boundaries say
more about how I respect myselfand the value of myself.
More than that, I'm like, not anice person because people
pleasers.
That's what we struggle with.
(04:21):
Right Of what do other peoplethink of us?
Um, we struggle with if you arean empath, a feeler I'm a
strong, strong feeler.
That is hard for me to.
I feel like I'm being mean toyou or I feel like I'm going to
hurt your feelings, um, but Ihave really really leaned into
learning how to set thatboundary and it doesn't reflect
(04:44):
anything of how I feel about you, how it actually reflects more
of how I feel about myself, andthat is that I value myself.
I have to protect my time or myspace or my peace or whatever
reason I'm making that boundary.
It actually reflects more on myself-worth, more than anything.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Yeah, that's crazy.
Yeah, I don't really haveissues of setting boundaries.
I actually have more boundariesthan I'd like to admit.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Hmm that's interesting.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Talk about that, would you no?
And there's a boundary, likeright away he's like no, I won't
talk about it.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
You thought I came here to talk.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
What'd you come here to do?
Just wear a sweatshirt and lookpretty.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Hey, that's right, and it's California.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
So I do identify as pretty.
You're weird, okay, wait.
So what would you?
What would you say to someonewho is having a hard time
setting those boundaries?
So I'm a person who I've had tolearn and that has been a very
big challenge for me to learnhow to set boundaries For
someone who does not strugglewith it, who it comes very
easily to.
What would you say to someonenot me, not your wife, but what
would you about themselves?
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Meaning I just want to be this open, no boundaries,
clear, ready to go left andright, up and down, because I
(06:12):
don't want people to feel thatI'm rejecting them, and to me, I
think the opposite.
I admire people who haveboundaries.
So I think people who have ahard time setting boundaries
like for you, you have a hardtime with that because you care
so much about making me happy,pleasing me and how I see you,
(06:34):
and I think you lose sight ofhow you should see yourself and
that you should look at yourselfand say I deserve boundaries.
I demand boundaries, but it's alot of times you put others'
perspective towards you aboveyour perspective towards
yourself.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
It's twofold.
I put other people'sperspective of me before myself,
but I also just put othersbefore myself, in general and
not to a healthy point, andthat's what I've really had to
learn.
That was part of our marriage.
Therapy was that I had put youfirst so much that I had
(07:12):
actually sacrificed a lot of myself-worth, but also my
self-identity and like who I wasas a self, and that was
actually another character.
Flaw of what they said of weakand loose boundaries was that
these are people that tend tolose themselves in motherhood in
a job, like they lose theiridentity because they put all of
(07:32):
the other things beforethemselves.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Yeah, I noticed that in in you even when we first got
married.
I mean our first few placesthat we've lived in, like a lot
of the places of stuff thatended up on the wall, the
furniture, the ottoman, thecarpets, the rugs, everything,
side tables A lot of it was memaking the last decision and not
(07:55):
because I felt stronger aboutit.
It's just you were afraid tofeel strong about it, so you
were just so open.
So we're like where should weput the rug, or how should the
couch look?
And cause, you wanted to justcollab on this, which is great.
That's what we do.
And I'm like I kind of like it,like this.
And then I'd say what if it wasover there?
And you're like we could trythat and it's like no, give
(08:18):
pushback.
But you worked so hard, just topeople, please, and you didn't
even have those boundaries, so Ithink you lost sight of where
those lines were for you yeah,it is very easy.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
Yeah, you're right, I don't want to.
Uh, naturally I don't want toruffle feathers.
Yeah, naturally I.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
I don't really want tension I love a good chicken
fight chicken fight a dog fight.
Yes, dogs don't have feathers,that's true.
What?
That's why I was going off ofthe ruffle feathers.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Oh, I was not there with you.
I was so confused Okay, got it,but I didn't want to ruffle
feathers.
Get it, chicken fight, got it.
I don't like that tension isspecifically with you.
Actually, with other peopleI've grown to learn how to have
tension and it doesn't meanfighting, it doesn't mean
(09:13):
arguing like I can have tensionand it's okay, I've learned that
, but I never wanted that withyou for sure.
Yeah.
So if you want, if you have astrong feeling like I just felt,
like okay, it's fine, like I'mnot gonna lose sleep about where
the couch is at night, um, andthat's fine.
But I think, with boundariesand as I've grown, I've realized
(09:34):
that boundaries actually helpmold healthier relationships,
right, right, especially when itcomes to expectations and like,
hey, this is what I need fromyou or this is what I.
I don't have this space for you, especially being in ministry
learning to set healthyboundaries with people, but can
(09:57):
you like expand on how you thinkthat boundaries actually make
healthier relationships?
Speaker 2 (10:03):
Yeah, I think I said it earlier.
I think boundaries areattractive, and so we talked
about this in his one episode ofthink about a guy who's
pursuing a girl.
What makes him want her more isthe fact that she's actually
putting up walls and giving himthe cold shoulder.
(10:25):
That's crazy.
Or rejecting him makes him wanther more that's wild not these
loose chicks that that that beout here all giving it all up
and all over the place in thestreets.
That's not attractive, it's not.
That's not attractive, it'slike.
You know, I hate when we'rewalking down the streets or
driving down the street and Isee a young girl dressed a
(10:47):
certain way.
When we're walking and we see onthe high or like on the
sidewalk, every single time Isee a young girl on the sidewalk
dressed a certain way, and Iwas like man, that girl probably
doesn't have a dad, or thatgirl probably has a mom that
sees herself in a very lowmanner, where it teaches her to
(11:09):
show it all, so that when guyssee you, they already know all
that you're working with.
And to me I'm like and thengirls wouldn't get mad that guys
address them based off of howthey're dressed, like girls, you
, you, you walk into a room oryou dress a certain way or all
your stuff is out and all yourstuff is showing, it's very
(11:30):
appearing, it's suggestive.
So don't get mad if men addressyou how you are dressed.
And so what I'm saying is, Ithink, when boundaries are set
up in a very high way and notjust putting yourself out there
and just showing everything.
It gives different layers forsomeone to actually show
(11:51):
themselves in relationships, andthen you get to grow through
some seasons.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
So young people that are always dating and they're
pursuing marriage.
I always tell them go through afew seasons, Absolutely,
Someone, you just met someone.
And they let it all out all atthe same time, all same week,
all of the same season I'm likeno that's not true.
Wait till you go.
Wait till you go through somethings, then it will strengthen
the relationship.
How do you do that?
It's setting up some boundaries.
(12:16):
It's setting up layers, settingup some levels, giving someone
access to a next level of whoyou are yeah and so I think
boundaries are very important.
I think I've seen girls scareguys away because they want to
open up their mouth and sayeverything, so true, and like yo
put, wait, hold up, pause,chill, wait Too fast, too fast,
Too fast.
Let somebody learn that aboutyou, Like let it show up in a
(12:41):
relationship.
And so that's my thoughts, man,I really do think that
boundaries are healthy for everysingle one of us, I mean even
for us.
Right, Do not disturb on aphone.
D and D that's a feature thatwe use all the time.
That's boundaries.
Yeah, that people have accessto me 24 seven is not healthy.
Anyone that's on my team, thepeople that I serve with the
(13:01):
people that I work with, like,they honor and respect
boundaries, especially when Itell them hey, bro, sorry I
couldn't pick up your call.
And here's why.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:09):
I was with my kids Right, or spending time with my
wife, or that very last hour ofthe day I spend time for me and
the Lord.
Yeah, People say oh man, that'smessed up bro.
No, your relationship getsstronger and the person respects
you for that.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
That's true.
I even think about boundarieswith our 10-year-old right now.
Yeah, setting boundaries withhow long he's playing video
games, how long he's doing this,how long he's doing that.
Boundaries only create healthyrelationships with things and
with people.
So if there's a boundary thatwe set of how much he's on his
iPad, how much he's on his Xboxor how much he's talking to a
(13:44):
person, those are only creatinghealthy habits for him.
So how much more would it befor adults to have boundaries
with how much you eat sweets,how much you stay up late or
whether you go to bed at night,like there is boundaries in
every aspect of our life.
So for them to make ushealthier in our habits of going
(14:06):
to the gym, what we're eating,it would be the same thing like
crossing over to relationships.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Yeah, yeah, I think there's also spiritual
boundaries too.
I think so many people giveaccess to the devil, people give
access to demonic influencesbecause they don't set
boundaries.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
For an example, I was going to say give us an example
.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
Remember that show Scandal we used to watch?
Yes, scandal.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Olivia Pope.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Scandal was a show that, right there, in front of
you, endorsed people at alllevels to have affairs and
people rooting for the cheaters?
Sure did.
And you're literally watchingit.
It's entering through your eyegate, into your soul, into your
mind, and the show is actuallyrewarding it.
(14:59):
And what's what's happening?
Is it's opening up your mind,is it's suggesting something,
and then, in the end, they win.
So you see this thing that istelevised, something that is
shown to you, and you see howthey make.
You see, yo, this thing happens.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
It works.
They are happy together.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
And I think all the times that in my life and in our
marriage that I've consideredthe thought of like, what would
it look like to have an affair?
What would it look like ifwe're divorced?
All that happened duringseasons when I did not set up
boundaries for things to havethese influences.
(15:40):
It was the shows that we'rewatching, the stuff that was
reading, friends that are around, People that were around that
talked about it, People that Iwas following on social media
talking about it.
So I had to set up boundariesIn order to protect this, to
protect our marriage.
I needed boundaries.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
Let me think about it .
If you get a pet which I knowyou don't know nothing about
getting a dog but if you get adog.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
We had a dog before and we had boundaries.
That mug was not allowed on ourbed, straight mug.
Actually that's true.
We did have a dog and youdidn't let the Rover had to be
outside.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
The dog was not allowed on the furniture.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
His name was not Rover.
You know, us Haitians, we don'treally have dogs, unless we
have dogs to chase away the catsor to scare people off or scare
their neighbors, which is likebeware, beware, large dog man,
your dog ain't large, littletiny dog anyways.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
But if you think about, when you get a pet, what
is the first thing that you doto keep them safe?
You get them a gate, you getthem a cage, you get them a
fence around your yard.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Leave them in there day and night oh, my word no but
, also.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
That's what Haitians do.
Californians treat them ashuman beings, which is wild, you
get them a pillow.
California.
People are crazy with theirdogs.
You get them a massage.
Anyways, I still want a dog.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
We got kids, bro, same.
Thing.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
They are similar.
But I'll just say if you wantto protect something, you put a
fence around it.
That's good.
If you want to protect yourlife, you need to put a fence
around it.
You need to put it to where youcan protect your person, your
(17:20):
spirituality, your emotions,your feelings.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
You need to put a fence around it to protect the
outward influences from comingin and getting inside influences
from coming in and gettinginside.
It's the the higher yourboundary around something is,
the higher of respect that youhave for that thing, it's the
higher the love you have for it.
So people who do not haveboundaries or set boundaries
around certain things tells meyou do not love that thing, you
(17:46):
protect something that you love.
It's true.
So you set boundaries aroundyour heart, you set boundaries
around your mind.
That's why, even for us, asChristian, in Ephesians 6, paul
said to put on the helmet ofsalvation.
Yeah, I see that as alsoboundaries around your mind
Absolutely.
That people want to come talktrash or the enemy wants to come
.
Put thoughts in your mindAbsolutely.
That people want to come talktrash or the enemy wants to come
.
Put thoughts in your mind.
(18:06):
And he's saying set a boundary,boundary, a helmet to protect it
.
And what do you do?
Day and night?
You meditate on the salvation,our salvation.
You meditate on the word of God.
He said put on the breastplateof righteousness.
That's a boundary around yourheart.
That means live rightAbsolutely when you're living
(18:27):
right.
So you protect your heart.
To me, that's boundaries to me.
And I think people who want tolive all loose, people who want
to let other people who triggerthem in their lives and have
these weird codependent,enabling, dysfunctional
relationships.
That tells me you really don'tlove yourself, because if you
(18:51):
loved yourself and cared foryourself, you would do whatever
it takes to protect yourself.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Yeah, that means putting boundaries around people
who piss you off, people whoget in your mind that's true or
who influence you in a negativeway, Like if I'm around someone
and I start thinking a certainway when I'm around them, I have
to set a boundary of like no, Icannot let myself be around you
too much because I feel yourinfluence or I feel what you
(19:20):
deal with, or I feel what you'restill working through and I
can't protect myself if I'mconstantly around you.
So let's give some practicality.
How do you encourage someone toapproach setting a boundary?
(19:41):
So like, for instance, how areyou going to encourage, how do
you tell someone okay, if youare realizing that you need to
set a boundary with a person?
in a relationship, whatever itis if it's a friendship, a
romantic relationship, a workrelationship, whatever it is, a
family relationship.
What do you tell them when theygo to approach that person?
What's an advice that you wouldgive them that they know they
(20:04):
need to set this boundary?
What do you tell them whenthey're like I don't want to
have this conversation and Idon't know how to have this
conversation.
I don't know Bro.
I think Pierre gets fired today.
Guys, Pierre's fired from hisjob.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
I got boundaries.
No, here's what I think manLike for me.
I tell this to people all thetime.
I'm like if you want me tobetter serve you, if you want me
to be the best person in yourlife that you need from me, then
these are the things that Ihave to do to be healthy, to be
(20:38):
able to help you.
So, for example, yesterday Ihad a meeting with somebody and
I had to push the meeting 30minutes.
And when they finally came intothe meeting, I apologized.
I said hey, I'm sorry that Ihad to push meeting 30 minutes,
but here's why I needed it.
I said I was mentally heavy,mentally weighted.
(21:00):
I had a lot of meetings I mean,I had five before then.
I was going through so much, mymind was so fried, and I told
that person in order for me tocome into our meeting with
giving you 100% of my attentionand a clear mind, I literally
needed some time to reset.
So here I am, I extended, Ipushed back the boundary I know
(21:21):
we're supposed to meet at 11o'clock.
I said can we do at least 1130?
And when they came in, I saidhere's why In order for you to
have my undivided attention, Ineeded to reset, and so I think
people just need to get better.
I was about to say a certainthing that I know someone's
going to come for me, so I'm notgoing to lie.
I think people need to getbetter at articulating why
(21:43):
they're putting up fences or whythey're putting up walls or why
they're putting up boundariesBecause somebody can get
offended that you put up aboundary against me.
But if you articulate it andsaid, hey, no, no, no.
Here's why I'm setting up someboundaries, because I want to
better support this.
I want our relationship to getstronger.
In order to do that, here'ssome things that I need to do
(22:05):
for me, so that I can love you.
Jesus said love your neighboras yourself.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
Which means you got to love yourself first.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
So that's what I would say.
I would encourage people getbetter at articulating why
you're putting up boundaries sothat people wouldn't just be
upset and frustrated and be likeyou're just going to put
boundaries up on me like that.
Well, no, well, yes, but here'swhy, and when you know that
it's actually for the benefit ofboth, our relationship, we good
.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Okay, that's a really good answer.
On the flip side, what do youthink is a sign that a boundary
needs adjusted?
Like that someone is crossingthat boundary or that it's not
being effective?
What is that?
What does that look like in arelationship where someone is
crossing that line?
Or maybe I've set the boundarywith you and they're not
(22:56):
respecting it?
Like what?
How do you approach that?
What does that look like?
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Yeah, so my first mentor used to always tell me he
called me Petey.
He said, petey, in life youalways need to make sure that
you set the bar and you guardthe bar.
Wow, that's really good.
He did always say that I thinkso many people set the bar, they
set it and forget it, and thebar starts to drop.
(23:23):
They don't come back andrecalibrate, they don't come
back and check on it.
They don't do pulse checks.
They check on it every otheryear.
So true.
He said tell me you set the barand you guard it.
And he said depending on whatseason would determine how much
it needs to be guarded.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Interesting.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
So I think people just need to get better at
guarding the bar, because if youguard the bar, you will know
that, hey, this bar right nowneeds more reinforcement.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
Something for me, too , is that I have learned that
the longer I let someone crossthat boundary, the harder the
conversation is.
But the first time it happens Idon't have to come hard.
I can just be gentle, which ismore my personality type.
So that's my opportunity.
For me who's a people pleaser,for me who doesn't really enjoy
(24:10):
conflict, I'm going to take thatopportunity that very first
time that line is crossed andsay I'm going to take a deep
breath and I'm going to say, hey, remember when I asked you
about that?
And they're going to go oh, mygosh, I'm so sorry, I totally
forgot.
No, that's okay.
I just want to remind you that,by far, for people pleasers and
people who don't watch conflict, that's the moment, that is
(24:31):
your window, because if you keepletting it happen, that
conversation only gets harder.
Because then conversation onlygets harder, because then what
are you going to do after sixmonths and being like, then you
pull out the thing and theydon't even remember they're they
had.
Literally most of the time theydidn't do it intentionally and
most of the time they don'tremember that you gave that
boundary.
So for the first time I'm goingto take that window because I
(24:53):
know that conversation is wayeasier to get through than if I
wait six months and I'mmiserable for the whole six
months thinking why do they notrespect it?
Why they not do that theyforgot or they are actually
intentionally doing it, and thenI really need to have a
conversation.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
And what it does in your heart, caring and harboring
this thing for months.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
Then I get miserable when you could have probably
just addressed it early on, whenthey remembered you remember it
was clear to say hey, rememberlast week we talked about oh
yeah, that's right, right, yep,right.
It's just I don't understandwhy people like wait so long to
adjust or correct certain things, especially with people that
they're in relationship with.
That's the window, guys, there'sso many windows that present
themselves, and so I thinkthat's what it is.
(25:33):
I think people just need tolearn how to we as people, we as
people, I'm saying we because Ifall to that need to continue
setting the bar but guarding it,protecting it.
If someone comes at it, remindthem that it's there Right, and
find a way on how to remind it.
It don't need to be all thetime of just like telling people
about your boundaries and stufflike that.
(25:53):
And bar right and guard, causewe've talked about that before.
Speaker 1 (25:57):
People walking in with their room, with their
boundaries.
Wait, I didn't even approachthe boundary yet.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Yeah, like, that's like going on Instagram and say,
if anybody needs me, my phone'son D&D.
Nobody needs you right now, bro.
Nobody was like.
Nobody's trying to hit you upor like you walk into a room and
be like FYI, no one asked meout to dinner, I'm no one asked
(26:22):
you out to dinner.
No one's talking about food doyou want to?
go out to dinner like is that,is that, is that what you want?
Right?
Like is so.
So, yeah, there's, there's that.
But I really do think this is acool conversation, because I
think it's something that we allneed to get better at, I agree.
Uh, just figuring out how do we, how do we steward our
relationships?
And one way is by creatingreally solid lines.
Solid lines, if someone's inyour life and they're always
(26:45):
triggering you, like if youreally care for them and you
really want to protect yourheart, then it's a disservice if
you don't set up boundaries.
If you need help setting upboundaries and reach out to
somebody, ask somebody like youknow what I mean, pray about it,
ask that the God, that the Godthat created your mind, can
actually show you like, okay,here's the type of words that
(27:07):
you can use, but I really dothink that setting boundaries
can really help relationships bestronger.
Um, just in general, man.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Yeah, I, um, I love this conversation because it's
always evolving.
Every season you go through itwill change.
I feel like we're in a seasonright now where our family, like
dynamic, is changing, yourworkload is changing, my
workload is changing, so it's ashift.
And so then that makes merealize I have to change
(27:37):
different boundaries.
Um, and then it goes to whatyou said to you of we actually
just have to learn how to bebetter communicators to have
that conversation aboutboundaries.
I just have to get better atcommunicating.
Hey, this is what I need to behealthy, so I'm going to ask
that we don't do this.
Or hey, this is what I need todo for me.
(27:59):
So from now on, I'm actually notgoing to be on my phone after
nine.
I'm sorry.
If you need to text me, you cantext me.
You can text me.
My phone will be on D and D andI'll respond to you first thing
in the morning.
Like I have one client at thesalon and she constantly texts
me at 10 PM.
That's a boundary.
You don't get access to me.
I will respond to you at 7 amtomorrow morning, but I do not
(28:21):
want to open that door becauseshe's done it multiple times.
I'm not giving her that accessto be able to think that that's
okay, it's a boundary.
I'll respond to you tomorrow inthe morning, but that's what I
have to do for me and for thehealth of my family.
So it's it's learning toprotect myself, for me and for
my family.
So, anyways, we love y'all.
(28:44):
We hope that this helps you havegreat conversations, have
conversations with the peopleyou are in relationship with.
Have friend conversations withyour friends.
Your, your person.
You're dating and what dohealthy boundaries look like for
you?
Ask someone that you care abouthey, do you need something
different from me to be aboundary for you?
Like, give them the opportunityWe've had the conversation all
(29:07):
the time of like, hey, what doyou need from me?
So if I'm feeling like you're,you're struggling with something
, if I said, hey, do you need to, like, turn your phone off at a
certain time?
Do you need me to help in someway so that this doesn't happen
again?
Like, offering up theconversation so that maybe
someone who's feeling a littlenervous about having the
(29:28):
conversation of a boundary hasthat open door to say, hey, what
do you need from me so that youcan encourage them to set that
boundary because knowing that itcreates a healthy relationship.
So we love y'all.
We hope this gives you somegood conversation to have
comment down below.
We are always talking to y'allin the comments.
We love y'all.
So thank you for being here andkeep digging.
What's up let's Dig crew.
Thank you for joining thisconversation.
Hey, if you are enjoying theseconversations, if they are
adding value to you, can you dous a favor?
Can you subscribe?
Can you like?
Can you comment?
Also, leave us a review onpodcast, Apple or Spotify.
We love those reviews.
They really help us and,honestly, they just really
(00:20):
encourage us to keep doing whatwe're doing.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Yeah, I think reviews to also help other people who
are still on the fence orlooking for good podcasts and
looking for good conversations.
I know for me I look at reviewson anything.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
That's true.
Do a little mustache.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
A little mustache is your mark.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Yeah, something I don't know what it was.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
I'm hot and sweaty because I'm wearing this really
heavyweight hoodie.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
It's true and it's not as cold Y this really
heavyweight hoodie, it's true,and it's not as cold.
Y'all know, pierre likes tofreeze me out for recordings and
today he didn't, so that makessense that you're sweating,
because I'm comfortable Speakingof this hoodie, though.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
we just got it.
It just came in, and I thinkit's time to go live with this
hoodie.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
I think so too, it's fire.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
We've been working on it for Turn around.
You guys need to see the backShow them.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Show the people.
You guys see this back righthere.
Show the people, no turn morebabe, it didn't work.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Oh man, can you guys see that right there?
Y'all see that.
Hey, I can see that a littlebit.
Hey, that's the hoodie rightthere.
So you guys already know that.
You guys already know what thismeans.
I already know.
(01:28):
It's the story of every singlechristian, every believer.
So if you're trying to find away to tell your story about
what god has done for you, getthis hoodie.
It's live right now.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
So on, shopify on our website on instagram on youtube
, facebook, um hey but I liketoday's conversation quality so
matter of fact, speaking of thishoodie, old life is gone.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
A new life is here.
We're going to talk aboutboundaries.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Okay, but we let's dig, okay, let's dig, let's dig,
okay.
So we're talking aboutboundaries today, right, and
I've had a lot of conversationsgoing on in relationships that
I'm walking with friends orpeople around me.
I'm talking about boundaries alot lately and I said to a
friend the other day I said theolder you get, the more
(02:10):
boundaries you have to implement.
And it's really true, the olderyou get, you have to set
boundaries with people that younever really imagined, like I
don't know your mom and dad,like you never imagined that
you'd have to set boundarieswith your mom and dad.
But the older you get, the moreyou have to, because you go off
when you start your own familyand you have to create that
healthy boundary right.
You have to set boundaries withfamily members that may live a
different lifestyle or maybethey just don't live the same as
(02:33):
you, and so it creates a littleconflict.
So healthy boundaries are theway to go about that.
So I was doing some researchabout this topic and the first
video I watched was signs thatyou have weak or a lack of
boundaries.
And the first twocharacteristics she described
(02:54):
were so embarrassingly mycharacter, my personality type
that I was embarrassed.
I wanted to turn it offactually, but the first one she
said was a sign of lack ofboundaries is that you have
trouble making decisions.
And I am that they.
She said that if you kind ofoverthink a decision or you kind
(03:15):
of go back and forth, peoplewith that characteristic can
have trouble setting boundaries.
And that is me for sure.
It's, it's 100%.
But, you don't?
Do you struggle?
Do you have a problem makingdecision or do you have a hard
time ever like landing on adecision?
No, Ever.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
No, I don't Are you, are you?
Oh, you want me to elaborate?
Speaker 1 (03:40):
I mean no, you don't have to.
You literally don't have aproblem with it.
Okay so, okay.
So the other one was so thefirst one is that you have a
hard time making decisions.
The second one was that you'rea people pleaser.
Pierre, do you ever strugglewith being a people pleaser?
I know you don't.
So I'm just going to talk toall the let's Dig crew because
(04:01):
Pierre does not fall into thiscategory.
But I have a hard time peoplepleasing and I have a hard time
making decisions.
But I have learned as I'vegotten older that boundaries say
more about how I respect myselfand the value of myself.
More than that, I'm like, not anice person because people
pleasers.
That's what we struggle with.
(04:21):
Right Of what do other peoplethink of us?
Um, we struggle with if you arean empath, a feeler I'm a
strong, strong feeler.
That is hard for me to.
I feel like I'm being mean toyou or I feel like I'm going to
hurt your feelings, um, but Ihave really really leaned into
learning how to set thatboundary and it doesn't reflect
(04:44):
anything of how I feel about you, how it actually reflects more
of how I feel about myself, andthat is that I value myself.
I have to protect my time or myspace or my peace or whatever
reason I'm making that boundary.
It actually reflects more on myself-worth, more than anything.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Yeah, that's crazy.
Yeah, I don't really haveissues of setting boundaries.
I actually have more boundariesthan I'd like to admit.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Hmm that's interesting.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Talk about that, would you no?
And there's a boundary, likeright away he's like no, I won't
talk about it.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
You thought I came here to talk.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
What'd you come here to do?
Just wear a sweatshirt and lookpretty.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Hey, that's right, and it's California.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
So I do identify as pretty.
You're weird, okay, wait.
So what would you?
What would you say to someonewho is having a hard time
setting those boundaries?
So I'm a person who I've had tolearn and that has been a very
big challenge for me to learnhow to set boundaries For
someone who does not strugglewith it, who it comes very
easily to.
What would you say to someonenot me, not your wife, but what
would you about themselves?
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Meaning I just want to be this open, no boundaries,
clear, ready to go left andright, up and down, because I
(06:12):
don't want people to feel thatI'm rejecting them, and to me, I
think the opposite.
I admire people who haveboundaries.
So I think people who have ahard time setting boundaries
like for you, you have a hardtime with that because you care
so much about making me happy,pleasing me and how I see you,
(06:34):
and I think you lose sight ofhow you should see yourself and
that you should look at yourselfand say I deserve boundaries.
I demand boundaries, but it's alot of times you put others'
perspective towards you aboveyour perspective towards
yourself.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
It's twofold.
I put other people'sperspective of me before myself,
but I also just put othersbefore myself, in general and
not to a healthy point, andthat's what I've really had to
learn.
That was part of our marriage.
Therapy was that I had put youfirst so much that I had
(07:12):
actually sacrificed a lot of myself-worth, but also my
self-identity and like who I wasas a self, and that was
actually another character.
Flaw of what they said of weakand loose boundaries was that
these are people that tend tolose themselves in motherhood in
a job, like they lose theiridentity because they put all of
(07:32):
the other things beforethemselves.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Yeah, I noticed that in in you even when we first got
married.
I mean our first few placesthat we've lived in, like a lot
of the places of stuff thatended up on the wall, the
furniture, the ottoman, thecarpets, the rugs, everything,
side tables A lot of it was memaking the last decision and not
(07:55):
because I felt stronger aboutit.
It's just you were afraid tofeel strong about it, so you
were just so open.
So we're like where should weput the rug, or how should the
couch look?
And cause, you wanted to justcollab on this, which is great.
That's what we do.
And I'm like I kind of like it,like this.
And then I'd say what if it wasover there?
And you're like we could trythat and it's like no, give
(08:18):
pushback.
But you worked so hard, just topeople, please, and you didn't
even have those boundaries, so Ithink you lost sight of where
those lines were for you yeah,it is very easy.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
Yeah, you're right, I don't want to.
Uh, naturally I don't want toruffle feathers.
Yeah, naturally I.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
I don't really want tension I love a good chicken
fight chicken fight a dog fight.
Yes, dogs don't have feathers,that's true.
What?
That's why I was going off ofthe ruffle feathers.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Oh, I was not there with you.
I was so confused Okay, got it,but I didn't want to ruffle
feathers.
Get it, chicken fight, got it.
I don't like that tension isspecifically with you.
Actually, with other peopleI've grown to learn how to have
tension and it doesn't meanfighting, it doesn't mean
(09:13):
arguing like I can have tensionand it's okay, I've learned that
, but I never wanted that withyou for sure.
Yeah.
So if you want, if you have astrong feeling like I just felt,
like okay, it's fine, like I'mnot gonna lose sleep about where
the couch is at night, um, andthat's fine.
But I think, with boundariesand as I've grown, I've realized
(09:34):
that boundaries actually helpmold healthier relationships,
right, right, especially when itcomes to expectations and like,
hey, this is what I need fromyou or this is what I.
I don't have this space for you, especially being in ministry
learning to set healthyboundaries with people, but can
(09:57):
you like expand on how you thinkthat boundaries actually make
healthier relationships?
Speaker 2 (10:03):
Yeah, I think I said it earlier.
I think boundaries areattractive, and so we talked
about this in his one episode ofthink about a guy who's
pursuing a girl.
What makes him want her more isthe fact that she's actually
putting up walls and giving himthe cold shoulder.
(10:25):
That's crazy.
Or rejecting him makes him wanther more that's wild not these
loose chicks that that that beout here all giving it all up
and all over the place in thestreets.
That's not attractive, it's not.
That's not attractive, it'slike.
You know, I hate when we'rewalking down the streets or
driving down the street and Isee a young girl dressed a
(10:47):
certain way.
When we're walking and we see onthe high or like on the
sidewalk, every single time Isee a young girl on the sidewalk
dressed a certain way, and Iwas like man, that girl probably
doesn't have a dad, or thatgirl probably has a mom that
sees herself in a very lowmanner, where it teaches her to
(11:09):
show it all, so that when guyssee you, they already know all
that you're working with.
And to me I'm like and thengirls wouldn't get mad that guys
address them based off of howthey're dressed, like girls, you
, you, you walk into a room oryou dress a certain way or all
your stuff is out and all yourstuff is showing, it's very
(11:30):
appearing, it's suggestive.
So don't get mad if men addressyou how you are dressed.
And so what I'm saying is, Ithink, when boundaries are set
up in a very high way and notjust putting yourself out there
and just showing everything.
It gives different layers forsomeone to actually show
(11:51):
themselves in relationships, andthen you get to grow through
some seasons.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
So young people that are always dating and they're
pursuing marriage.
I always tell them go through afew seasons, Absolutely,
Someone, you just met someone.
And they let it all out all atthe same time, all same week,
all of the same season I'm likeno that's not true.
Wait till you go.
Wait till you go through somethings, then it will strengthen
the relationship.
How do you do that?
It's setting up some boundaries.
(12:16):
It's setting up layers, settingup some levels, giving someone
access to a next level of whoyou are yeah and so I think
boundaries are very important.
I think I've seen girls scareguys away because they want to
open up their mouth and sayeverything, so true, and like yo
put, wait, hold up, pause,chill, wait Too fast, too fast,
Too fast.
Let somebody learn that aboutyou, Like let it show up in a
(12:41):
relationship.
And so that's my thoughts, man,I really do think that
boundaries are healthy for everysingle one of us, I mean even
for us.
Right, Do not disturb on aphone.
D and D that's a feature thatwe use all the time.
That's boundaries.
Yeah, that people have accessto me 24 seven is not healthy.
Anyone that's on my team, thepeople that I serve with the
(13:01):
people that I work with, like,they honor and respect
boundaries, especially when Itell them hey, bro, sorry I
couldn't pick up your call.
And here's why.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:09):
I was with my kids Right, or spending time with my
wife, or that very last hour ofthe day I spend time for me and
the Lord.
Yeah, People say oh man, that'smessed up bro.
No, your relationship getsstronger and the person respects
you for that.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
That's true.
I even think about boundarieswith our 10-year-old right now.
Yeah, setting boundaries withhow long he's playing video
games, how long he's doing this,how long he's doing that.
Boundaries only create healthyrelationships with things and
with people.
So if there's a boundary thatwe set of how much he's on his
iPad, how much he's on his Xboxor how much he's talking to a
(13:44):
person, those are only creatinghealthy habits for him.
So how much more would it befor adults to have boundaries
with how much you eat sweets,how much you stay up late or
whether you go to bed at night,like there is boundaries in
every aspect of our life.
So for them to make ushealthier in our habits of going
(14:06):
to the gym, what we're eating,it would be the same thing like
crossing over to relationships.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Yeah, yeah, I think there's also spiritual
boundaries too.
I think so many people giveaccess to the devil, people give
access to demonic influencesbecause they don't set
boundaries.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
For an example, I was going to say give us an example
.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
Remember that show Scandal we used to watch?
Yes, scandal.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Olivia Pope.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Scandal was a show that, right there, in front of
you, endorsed people at alllevels to have affairs and
people rooting for the cheaters?
Sure did.
And you're literally watchingit.
It's entering through your eyegate, into your soul, into your
mind, and the show is actuallyrewarding it.
(14:59):
And what's what's happening?
Is it's opening up your mind,is it's suggesting something,
and then, in the end, they win.
So you see this thing that istelevised, something that is
shown to you, and you see howthey make.
You see, yo, this thing happens.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
It works.
They are happy together.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
And I think all the times that in my life and in our
marriage that I've consideredthe thought of like, what would
it look like to have an affair?
What would it look like ifwe're divorced?
All that happened duringseasons when I did not set up
boundaries for things to havethese influences.
(15:40):
It was the shows that we'rewatching, the stuff that was
reading, friends that are around, People that were around that
talked about it, People that Iwas following on social media
talking about it.
So I had to set up boundariesIn order to protect this, to
protect our marriage.
I needed boundaries.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
Let me think about it .
If you get a pet which I knowyou don't know nothing about
getting a dog but if you get adog.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
We had a dog before and we had boundaries.
That mug was not allowed on ourbed, straight mug.
Actually that's true.
We did have a dog and youdidn't let the Rover had to be
outside.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
The dog was not allowed on the furniture.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
His name was not Rover.
You know, us Haitians, we don'treally have dogs, unless we
have dogs to chase away the catsor to scare people off or scare
their neighbors, which is likebeware, beware, large dog man,
your dog ain't large, littletiny dog anyways.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
But if you think about, when you get a pet, what
is the first thing that you doto keep them safe?
You get them a gate, you getthem a cage, you get them a
fence around your yard.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Leave them in there day and night oh, my word no but
, also.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
That's what Haitians do.
Californians treat them ashuman beings, which is wild, you
get them a pillow.
California.
People are crazy with theirdogs.
You get them a massage.
Anyways, I still want a dog.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
We got kids, bro, same.
Thing.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
They are similar.
But I'll just say if you wantto protect something, you put a
fence around it.
That's good.
If you want to protect yourlife, you need to put a fence
around it.
You need to put it to where youcan protect your person, your
(17:20):
spirituality, your emotions,your feelings.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
You need to put a fence around it to protect the
outward influences from comingin and getting inside influences
from coming in and gettinginside.
It's the the higher yourboundary around something is,
the higher of respect that youhave for that thing, it's the
higher the love you have for it.
So people who do not haveboundaries or set boundaries
around certain things tells meyou do not love that thing, you
(17:46):
protect something that you love.
It's true.
So you set boundaries aroundyour heart, you set boundaries
around your mind.
That's why, even for us, asChristian, in Ephesians 6, paul
said to put on the helmet ofsalvation.
Yeah, I see that as alsoboundaries around your mind
Absolutely.
That people want to come talktrash or the enemy wants to come
.
Put thoughts in your mindAbsolutely.
That people want to come talktrash or the enemy wants to come
.
Put thoughts in your mind.
(18:06):
And he's saying set a boundary,boundary, a helmet to protect it
.
And what do you do?
Day and night?
You meditate on the salvation,our salvation.
You meditate on the word of God.
He said put on the breastplateof righteousness.
That's a boundary around yourheart.
That means live rightAbsolutely when you're living
(18:27):
right.
So you protect your heart.
To me, that's boundaries to me.
And I think people who want tolive all loose, people who want
to let other people who triggerthem in their lives and have
these weird codependent,enabling, dysfunctional
relationships.
That tells me you really don'tlove yourself, because if you
(18:51):
loved yourself and cared foryourself, you would do whatever
it takes to protect yourself.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Yeah, that means putting boundaries around people
who piss you off, people whoget in your mind that's true or
who influence you in a negativeway, Like if I'm around someone
and I start thinking a certainway when I'm around them, I have
to set a boundary of like no, Icannot let myself be around you
too much because I feel yourinfluence or I feel what you
(19:20):
deal with, or I feel what you'restill working through and I
can't protect myself if I'mconstantly around you.
So let's give some practicality.
How do you encourage someone toapproach setting a boundary?
(19:41):
So like, for instance, how areyou going to encourage, how do
you tell someone okay, if youare realizing that you need to
set a boundary with a person?
in a relationship, whatever itis if it's a friendship, a
romantic relationship, a workrelationship, whatever it is, a
family relationship.
What do you tell them when theygo to approach that person?
What's an advice that you wouldgive them that they know they
(20:04):
need to set this boundary?
What do you tell them whenthey're like I don't want to
have this conversation and Idon't know how to have this
conversation.
I don't know Bro.
I think Pierre gets fired today.
Guys, Pierre's fired from hisjob.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
I got boundaries.
No, here's what I think manLike for me.
I tell this to people all thetime.
I'm like if you want me tobetter serve you, if you want me
to be the best person in yourlife that you need from me, then
these are the things that Ihave to do to be healthy, to be
(20:38):
able to help you.
So, for example, yesterday Ihad a meeting with somebody and
I had to push the meeting 30minutes.
And when they finally came intothe meeting, I apologized.
I said hey, I'm sorry that Ihad to push meeting 30 minutes,
but here's why I needed it.
I said I was mentally heavy,mentally weighted.
(21:00):
I had a lot of meetings I mean,I had five before then.
I was going through so much, mymind was so fried, and I told
that person in order for me tocome into our meeting with
giving you 100% of my attentionand a clear mind, I literally
needed some time to reset.
So here I am, I extended, Ipushed back the boundary I know
(21:21):
we're supposed to meet at 11o'clock.
I said can we do at least 1130?
And when they came in, I saidhere's why In order for you to
have my undivided attention, Ineeded to reset, and so I think
people just need to get better.
I was about to say a certainthing that I know someone's
going to come for me, so I'm notgoing to lie.
I think people need to getbetter at articulating why
(21:43):
they're putting up fences or whythey're putting up walls or why
they're putting up boundariesBecause somebody can get
offended that you put up aboundary against me.
But if you articulate it andsaid, hey, no, no, no.
Here's why I'm setting up someboundaries, because I want to
better support this.
I want our relationship to getstronger.
In order to do that, here'ssome things that I need to do
(22:05):
for me, so that I can love you.
Jesus said love your neighboras yourself.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
Which means you got to love yourself first.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
So that's what I would say.
I would encourage people getbetter at articulating why
you're putting up boundaries sothat people wouldn't just be
upset and frustrated and be likeyou're just going to put
boundaries up on me like that.
Well, no, well, yes, but here'swhy, and when you know that
it's actually for the benefit ofboth, our relationship, we good
.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Okay, that's a really good answer.
On the flip side, what do youthink is a sign that a boundary
needs adjusted?
Like that someone is crossingthat boundary or that it's not
being effective?
What is that?
What does that look like in arelationship where someone is
crossing that line?
Or maybe I've set the boundarywith you and they're not
(22:56):
respecting it?
Like what?
How do you approach that?
What does that look like?
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Yeah, so my first mentor used to always tell me he
called me Petey.
He said, petey, in life youalways need to make sure that
you set the bar and you guardthe bar.
Wow, that's really good.
He did always say that I thinkso many people set the bar, they
set it and forget it, and thebar starts to drop.
(23:23):
They don't come back andrecalibrate, they don't come
back and check on it.
They don't do pulse checks.
They check on it every otheryear.
So true.
He said tell me you set the barand you guard it.
And he said depending on whatseason would determine how much
it needs to be guarded.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Interesting.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
So I think people just need to get better at
guarding the bar, because if youguard the bar, you will know
that, hey, this bar right nowneeds more reinforcement.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
Something for me, too , is that I have learned that
the longer I let someone crossthat boundary, the harder the
conversation is.
But the first time it happens Idon't have to come hard.
I can just be gentle, which ismore my personality type.
So that's my opportunity.
For me who's a people pleaser,for me who doesn't really enjoy
(24:10):
conflict, I'm going to take thatopportunity that very first
time that line is crossed andsay I'm going to take a deep
breath and I'm going to say, hey, remember when I asked you
about that?
And they're going to go oh, mygosh, I'm so sorry, I totally
forgot.
No, that's okay.
I just want to remind you that,by far, for people pleasers and
people who don't watch conflict, that's the moment, that is
(24:31):
your window, because if you keepletting it happen, that
conversation only gets harder.
Because then conversation onlygets harder, because then what
are you going to do after sixmonths and being like, then you
pull out the thing and theydon't even remember they're they
had.
Literally most of the time theydidn't do it intentionally and
most of the time they don'tremember that you gave that
boundary.
So for the first time I'm goingto take that window because I
(24:53):
know that conversation is wayeasier to get through than if I
wait six months and I'mmiserable for the whole six
months thinking why do they notrespect it?
Why they not do that theyforgot or they are actually
intentionally doing it, and thenI really need to have a
conversation.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
And what it does in your heart, caring and harboring
this thing for months.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
Then I get miserable when you could have probably
just addressed it early on, whenthey remembered you remember it
was clear to say hey, rememberlast week we talked about oh
yeah, that's right, right, yep,right.
It's just I don't understandwhy people like wait so long to
adjust or correct certain things, especially with people that
they're in relationship with.
That's the window, guys, there'sso many windows that present
themselves, and so I thinkthat's what it is.
(25:33):
I think people just need tolearn how to we as people, we as
people, I'm saying we because Ifall to that need to continue
setting the bar but guarding it,protecting it.
If someone comes at it, remindthem that it's there Right, and
find a way on how to remind it.
It don't need to be all thetime of just like telling people
about your boundaries and stufflike that.
(25:53):
And bar right and guard, causewe've talked about that before.
Speaker 1 (25:57):
People walking in with their room, with their
boundaries.
Wait, I didn't even approachthe boundary yet.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Yeah, like, that's like going on Instagram and say,
if anybody needs me, my phone'son D&D.
Nobody needs you right now, bro.
Nobody was like.
Nobody's trying to hit you upor like you walk into a room and
be like FYI, no one asked meout to dinner, I'm no one asked
(26:22):
you out to dinner.
No one's talking about food doyou want to?
go out to dinner like is that,is that, is that what you want?
Right?
Like is so.
So, yeah, there's, there's that.
But I really do think this is acool conversation, because I
think it's something that we allneed to get better at, I agree.
Uh, just figuring out how do we, how do we steward our
relationships?
And one way is by creatingreally solid lines.
Solid lines, if someone's inyour life and they're always
(26:45):
triggering you, like if youreally care for them and you
really want to protect yourheart, then it's a disservice if
you don't set up boundaries.
If you need help setting upboundaries and reach out to
somebody, ask somebody like youknow what I mean, pray about it,
ask that the God, that the Godthat created your mind, can
actually show you like, okay,here's the type of words that
(27:07):
you can use, but I really dothink that setting boundaries
can really help relationships bestronger.
Um, just in general, man.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Yeah, I, um, I love this conversation because it's
always evolving.
Every season you go through itwill change.
I feel like we're in a seasonright now where our family, like
dynamic, is changing, yourworkload is changing, my
workload is changing, so it's ashift.
And so then that makes merealize I have to change
(27:37):
different boundaries.
Um, and then it goes to whatyou said to you of we actually
just have to learn how to bebetter communicators to have
that conversation aboutboundaries.
I just have to get better atcommunicating.
Hey, this is what I need to behealthy, so I'm going to ask
that we don't do this.
Or hey, this is what I need todo for me.
(27:59):
So from now on, I'm actually notgoing to be on my phone after
nine.
I'm sorry.
If you need to text me, you cantext me.
You can text me.
My phone will be on D and D andI'll respond to you first thing
in the morning.
Like I have one client at thesalon and she constantly texts
me at 10 PM.
That's a boundary.
You don't get access to me.
I will respond to you at 7 amtomorrow morning, but I do not
(28:21):
want to open that door becauseshe's done it multiple times.
I'm not giving her that accessto be able to think that that's
okay, it's a boundary.
I'll respond to you tomorrow inthe morning, but that's what I
have to do for me and for thehealth of my family.
So it's it's learning toprotect myself, for me and for
my family.
So, anyways, we love y'all.
(28:44):
We hope that this helps you havegreat conversations, have
conversations with the peopleyou are in relationship with.
Have friend conversations withyour friends.
Your, your person.
You're dating and what dohealthy boundaries look like for
you?
Ask someone that you care abouthey, do you need something
different from me to be aboundary for you?
Like, give them the opportunityWe've had the conversation all
(29:07):
the time of like, hey, what doyou need from me?
So if I'm feeling like you're,you're struggling with something
, if I said, hey, do you need to, like, turn your phone off at a
certain time?
Do you need me to help in someway so that this doesn't happen
again?
Like, offering up theconversation so that maybe
someone who's feeling a littlenervous about having the
(29:28):
conversation of a boundary hasthat open door to say, hey, what
do you need from me so that youcan encourage them to set that
boundary because knowing that itcreates a healthy relationship.
So we love y'all.
We hope this gives you somegood conversation to have
comment down below.
We are always talking to y'allin the comments.
We love y'all.
So thank you for being here andkeep digging.
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