May 14, 2024 • 40 mins
As we ventured through the uncharted terrain of intimacy within our marriage, it became clear that the vows we exchanged were just the beginning of a complex journey. Our latest episode is a raw and revealing exploration of how we navigated the thorny issues of sexual health and expectations, casting off society's pressures and the shadows that pornography can cast on a sacred bond. We lay ourselves bare, sharing the steps we took to communicate more openly and shift from unhealthy patterns to a vibrant and respectful connection behind closed doors.
The media landscape can play a surprisingly influential role in shaping our views on marital sex, and we dive into that impact with unflinching honesty. From the hidden messages in popular TV shows to the more overt intrusion of adult content, we discuss how we steered our relationship back to a place of health by reassessing our media diet and engaging in heartfelt dialogue about our desires and boundaries. Our personal accounts aim to inspire you to scrutinize your own media consumption and find freedom in talking openly about your intimate life with your partner.
Relationships are the cornerstone of our lives, and in this episode, we reach out to those looking to fortify their own marital ties. While we're not therapists, our commitment to sharing our story is rooted in the belief that it can help others. We reflect on the beauty of connections—whether with a partner, a higher power, or within ourselves—and how they shape the fabric of our daily lives. If you're searching for solidarity, guidance, or a space for reflection on the role of intimacy in marriage, we invite you to join us on this journey of discovery and healing.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
If I asked you what does a healthy sex life look
inside of a marriage?
What does that look like?
What do you think of?
Speaker 2 (00:11):
First of all, I think that's a big question to ask.
It's a huge question Even onthis whole topic of sex and
marriage, just because of theworld that we live in, because
of how we started and how, whenwe first got married, what we
thought about it and the last 14years of the rollercoaster in
our sex life as a healthymarried couple, which we weren't
(00:31):
always healthy.
We're healthy now, but weweren't always healthy.
So let me ask this question onemore time.
Just make sure we're on thesame page.
You're asking me what do Ithink sex should look like in a
healthy marriage?
Yep exactly.
Or what should it feel like?
Speaker 1 (00:46):
no, but no well I mean I'll leave and look like
okay right, okay, all right,what's up?
Y'all, we're so glad you havejoined us for this conversation.
It's gonna get a little deep.
We're gonna talk about somethings, but I mean we're gonna
have a real conversation aboutsex and marriage, real
conversation.
But our goal, honestly, is tonot be vulgar, it is to be
(01:10):
vulnerable, and we feel likethis conversation isn't had
enough and so it's not an easyconversation to have on a
platform like this.
It's like my hands are sweatinga little bit.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
And there are a lot of great conversations that are
out there right now on YouTube.
We've watched quite a bit.
We've listened to otherpodcasters and other people that
we look up to and respect andwe've listened to their take on
sex in a marriage and some of ithas helped us out.
And so this is ourconversations in our household,
things that we've discovered howwe've overcome in our situation
(01:43):
.
And sex hasn't always been thesame in our marriage.
It hasn't always been the same.
It's actually changed a lotover the last few years, I'd say
over the last three, four years.
It's changed so much.
And it's not what I ever thoughtit would be and I'm not going
to lie.
We get married and you thinklike, oh man, I'm going to have
sex with the same person for therest of my life and that
(02:10):
thought is crazy to think.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
But you know, it's blown our mind of where we,
where we've come in our sex life.
So I'm cool with it, man, let'sdig, let's dig.
So what were some of the thingsthat you came into when you got
married, like what you thoughtmarriage would look like at the
beginning.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
Yeah, that's why you would.
First of all, because that's ahard question to answer.
You just asked me two bigquestions at the top of this
conversation.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
What else do you want ?
This is the conversation.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
We both came into our marriage with a bunch of
baggage.
I think what was tough was wedidn't really talk about what we
thought in our mind towardseach other what sex would look
like.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
That's true, we didn't talk about it.
I you know especially, and thenbeing raised in the church
world, in the church world.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
You did not talk about sex, that puts a whole
nother layer on it.
You did not talk about sex.
You talked about purity.
We talked about abstaining fromsex, not having anything to do
with it, and then one day, whenyou become someone's spouse,
you're supposed to give it allup to them.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
I think that is one of the hardest things for women
in church as followers of Jesus,that we are taught to like
shove all that sexuality down,like turn it off, don't pay
attention to it, don't listen toit, and then all of a sudden
get married and turn it all onand have sex whenever your
husband asks for it, I mean inthe Bible, even talks about how.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
in Corinthians, you know, Paul talks about how your
body don't even belong to youanymore.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
That's crazy, both ways.
Both ways, husband and wifeboth ways.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
So to get married, going into marriage with that
thought of like, okay, her bodydoesn't belong to her, marriage
with that thought of like, okay,her body doesn't belong to her,
it's mine.
My body don't belong to me,it's hers.
We're one now and I'm supposedto think that you're thinking
everything I'm thinking when itcomes to sex, you know.
And then you know, I'll behonest with you.
Babe, when we got married, likeI, I thought I had a good
(04:00):
understanding of what sex shouldbe like.
Like I wasn't into porn oranything like that I'll say this
and we'll talk about this later.
Porn really didn't enter my lifeinto after marriage.
That's so crazy.
Porn didn't enter my life intoafter marriage.
That's crazy.
And so we go into this thinkinglike, okay, anything that I
(04:22):
thought about sex or anythingthat I thought about girls or
anything like that, I'm going todo it all to my wife, right?
You know?
And I remember we had someweird awkward moments when we
talked about it.
I mean even honeymoon night.
First of all, honeymoon nightwe didn't even have sex.
We went to sleep because wewere tired and we both were sick
.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
We only had three hours.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
And we both were sick .
Speaker 1 (04:40):
We were sick on our wedding day.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
Yeah, let's talk about that.
We went to.
I'm going to answer yourquestion a little bit later.
I know some people listeninglike, hey, he didn't even answer
the question of what did hebring into it.
I'll tell you what I broughtinto it.
I brought into it nothing.
Nothing because no one told meanything about sex.
No one told me anything aboutum, on what it would look like
in the context of marriage.
So I came into it thinking it'sa big mess.
(05:03):
I came into it thinking like,yes, I can get sex anytime I
want.
It don't matter what day it is,it doesn't matter if she's
awake or if she's asleep, that'swrong.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
That's what I thought when we first like.
You know what I mean, that'strue.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
And then and then I thought I'll say this too.
I thought, when we got married,I thought that, you know, there
would not be any morning breathor that everything would always
be nice and peachy and rosy allthe time.
And I could just be like knock,knock, and you'd be like who's
there?
I'd be like daddy, let's go.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
I did think that sex life would be easy Like that.
The hard part was to not havesex before you get married.
But the easy part is, once youget married you get to have sex,
and that I never thought thatthere would be so many ebbs and
flows of what season you're in,what like pregnancy looks like
after babies.
Like I never knew that it wouldactually take so much effort on
my part, even down to you know,sex is made for three things it
(06:04):
is made for a physicalconnection and an emotional
connection and a spiritualconnection, and I never knew how
much work it would cause, likein my emotions and in my
spiritual side, to like forgive,to let walls down.
That walls down.
Like it is a constant job, Ifeel like for women, or at least
(06:26):
for me, to like make sure I putmy walls down when it comes to
you, when I am hurt, and I tellyou because I can, you could do
something that accidentally hurtmy feelings and you won't know
it, it wasn't intentional.
But until I tell you, guesswhat?
I'm, I'm not wanting to havesex with you.
So I have to tell you.
I have to put those walls down,I have to forgive.
(06:47):
Um, we talked about it inanother episode a few weeks ago
of like going to bed together,that a lot of times that's when
I'll open up or I'll sharesomething with you, and so it is
so that we can have thatemotional connection, that
spiritual connection, and thenthe physical connection is the
benefit of it.
Yeah, but I didn't realize howmuch work would go into it.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
It's a lot of work.
I don't honestly think we hadconversation about sex until I
mean, I'd say, a year or so intoour marriage.
Yeah, probably.
We just didn't talk about it,we just did it.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
It's very true.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
We just did it, and if it was awkward, if it didn't
make sense or one enjoyed it,the other one didn't enjoy it,
we just didn't really talk aboutit and there was no one to talk
about it to.
There was no spaces orenvironments to comfortably talk
about, especially for us beingin the church world.
You just don't talk about it.
And then unfortunately and Iknow it's changing, but
(07:42):
unfortunately it's changing now,but unfortunately then 15 years
ago like people didn't openlytalk about their marriage
problems and situations in thechurch.
So you just would look to people, you would look to your leaders
and you just think they wereall good, but they weren't
telling you.
You weren't telling.
We all just showed up.
Hey, how you doing Good, youguys good, yeah, we're good,
we're good.
Everybody good, we're good,everybody good.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Good, I well, less than highly favored, we're all
good, yeah well, dane, I guesswe're all good, but then that
made us think that we're broken,because we walked into the
place thinking like but we'renot good but we're not good or I
don't get it, or I mean, for meit was a big process and a big
journey coming from the puritystages of growing up in that
purity culture, and I did have apurity ring from my parents and
(08:27):
all these things, and then Iget married.
So then I think I'm actuallysupposed to pull all these other
outside influences that are outin the world.
I'm supposed to bring that home.
The good old saying I think awise man wrote it one time.
It said a lady in the streetsand a freak in the sheets.
Like that's what I thought Iwas supposed to be.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
That's crazy.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
And I didn't know that those were actually outside
influences as well, and thatthe world will always tell us a
perverted version of what Godcreated.
And I think that's where wewere.
We didn't have the knowledge todecipher that.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
Yeah, so we didn't talk about it, like we didn't
really have moments.
I do remember us, you know, afew years into it, I mean, and
then just getting married andyou know the world that we live
in, I mean, it's so many, somuch is implied, think about it.
Bridal showers what type ofgifts are bringing, are brought
to bridal showers?
Speaker 1 (09:25):
for sure.
I mean there was one that I gotgifted.
I mean I got a few like outfitsand things like that, and I
remember one of the outfits Iwore for you one time and it
completely changed my view ofyou.
Yeah, because I met you inbible college.
I met you as a musician in thechurch, I met you on staff and
(09:45):
then that one time I wore thegift from my bridal shower and I
remember saying, like you'redifferent, so think about this
so here.
We have changed so much.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
So here we have it You're getting married.
You're not sure what sex issupposed to be like.
You have in your mind what youthink it should be.
You're brought a shower.
All the gifts are implyingsomething, Not all the gifts
majority, Most of them yeah.
Yeah, most of the gifts areimplying something.
For sure so now you're gettingthese gifts.
(10:18):
We're not going to list thegifts, right, because this is
not for you guys to take yourimagination a bunch of places
and take your mind off whatwe're talking about.
But you get all these giftsfrom all these special secret
places that you almost even feelembarrassed opening it up.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
For sure.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
And then you bring it home.
We get married.
I pull out this drawer.
I'm like yo, what's all thisstuff?
Speaker 1 (10:36):
I mean, that's part of the fun of a bridal shower,
is that like, oh my gosh, we getto celebrate, this girl gets to
take care of business?
It's part of that like becomingwomanhood.
But I really wish that therewas more conversation, or that
young girls I mean I was 22,right, I think I was 22 and got
married.
Like you know, no one said likeor not that I could remember
(10:59):
Maybe somebody did, but I didn'twalk in there knowing like, hey
, here's what you should do foryour husband, here's where the
lines are for you to draw foryou.
You know, like deeper, realconversations.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
Yeah, there were no conversations of like yo, this
is all fun and games, we'replaying around with these toys
and things like that.
But for real, though, have aconversation with your husband,
put this stuff in front of himand say, hey, babe, what do you
think about this little toy,this little thing right here,
this little whip, this plugwhatever.
Oh wait, I said I wasn't goingto list anything, babe.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
I said we are not being vulgar, yeah my bad, my
bad.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
I just saw it.
I just literally saw it from 10, 15 years ago.
But we?
So now we get married and I seeall these things and in my head
I'm thinking like the one thatwe've shut down for 20 years of
(11:51):
our life, because we grew up inchurch.
And then, because we had noguide, we just thought you know
what, we're married, now we cando all the things we're going to
list all the things.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
It was literally like we can do whatever we want.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
So, guys, whatever you're thinking of, like, what
did they do?
Unfortunately, I sayunfortunately we did because we
were young, naive, didn't know.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
So we laid out.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
You don't know what they're thinking some of them
are thinking like what did theydo?
Speaker 1 (12:17):
okay, we never let anybody into our marriage.
I feel like that.
Let's pause, very clear let'spause, so whatever.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
So there are a lot of things that we either did,
tried, considered, entertained,talked about, like there's stuff
we talked about, it's true, we,we I mean we messed up so much
things about our marriage at thebeginning when it came to our
sexuality, like it is literallyby the grace of god that we
stand here today restored andsex is better now than it's ever
(12:47):
been in our whole marriage andwe still have the best years to
come, because the facts are byresearch, year 15 to year 20 is
the best years of a healthymarriage.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Well, baby.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
We in year 14 right now, so next year.
We're just on the edge it'sgonna be popping off next year
but when we first got married?
So we're young, we're naive, wehave no knowledge of of sex,
other than what the world tellsus sex should be right.
So now, one day, we have thisbright idea which not a bright
idea, but we're sitting there,we're like we don't talk about
it.
So we just start talking abouteverything.
(13:20):
Right, all these toys are laidout.
Right, we've been married formonths.
We start talking about well,how do we even use these toys?
that opens the door to porn yeahand that's what that happened,
that happened to in our marriage.
So now here we are, young naive.
Here we're watching porntogether.
Now, as a newlywed, noconviction, we didn't feel bad
(13:42):
about it right.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
We had no one to talk about it.
We thought that under thecovering of marriage, it was
good we could do whatever wewant to do.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Hey, that's my body, slash your body.
That's your body, slash my body.
We all want to write.
Write.
If I'm good, you're good.
So now we start watching thesethings, entertaining things.
We would watch these thingsbefore we go to bed.
That opened up so much darknesswhen it came to our marriage,
and I think that's one of thereasons why our marriage
struggled for a few years yeah,for several years, because what
we opened it up to we I mean wewe started going to strip clubs.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
We did.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Let's talk about that for a moment, cause some of
y'all thinking like, oh my.
God I can't believe they didthat.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
I can't believe we did.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Yeah, we did.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
We did.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
We did.
We had no shame, we were justwe were doing all these things.
And here's the crazy thing is,we'd show up to churches, We'd
show up to places, We'd askother people hey, how you guys
doing?
Oh, we're good.
Hey, you guys y'all married.
It was just like oh, so I guesswe're good too.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
I guess we're just on the journey of a newlyweds, I
guess we.
No one talked about it, so Ithought we're good.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
So we're over here experimenting, do all these
other things.
I mean, we considered, weconsidered all we're not.
I'm not going to say it.
You're not going to say thethings.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
You're not going to say it.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
Just so you guys know , this is our second attempt at
today's recording, Because westarted already earlier today
and Daly was like you can't besaying some of that stuff.
I'm like, okay, maybe we shouldstart a Patreon.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
We can just let it on there.
I don't know if that's evengoing to work.
I don't even think I'd share itwith the Patreon.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
Yeah, no, first of all I'm going to say, it is that
God has set us free and we'vebeen delivered, and the reason
why we're having thisconversation is because we want
to be able to help somebody.
We're not going to helpeverybody, but we can help
somebody.
There are some people that aremarried and you're thinking that
hope is all gone.
You think that there's nothingthat you can do.
You have this bad mindset whenit comes to sex, and sex is a
gift from God between man and awoman for us to connect
(15:40):
physically, emotionally,spiritually, to multiply, have
kids.
It is one of the greatestthings given to us in our
marriage and I know it's achallenge, right?
Because you know, and I thinkI'm proud enough to say this,
man, that you have never oncewithheld sex from me.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
Yeah, but it goes hand in hand.
Because you have so muchrespect for me, you've never
forced me to have to say no.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Yeah, I've never taken sex from you.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Right.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
And we realize that spousal, you know, sexual abuse
is a thing.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
It's a real thing, whether it's emotional, whether
it's manipulative, like peoplereally do weaponize sex, and
even if it's in a marriage, thatdoes not mean that it's not
weaponized.
That does not mean that youcannot be abused in that way
inside of a marriage.
Marriage does not cover that.
There are still things that canbe considered emotional abuse,
(16:36):
manipulation.
It's not okay.
But because you've never forcedme into a position where I've
had to tell you no, I've neverhad to tell you no.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Yeah, and that realization has just happened in
the last several years, becausein the beginning years, right.
So we just listed all thesethings that we added, things
that we've done wrong.
Even when we first got married,we went to Vegas for our
honeymoon and we thought, yo,we're grown baby, we could do
whatever we want to do.
We could watch whatever show wewant to watch, and you remember
(17:06):
that show that we went to, ohmy gosh Guys.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
We couldn't afford more than one show in Vegas.
Everybody says you got to go toa show.
So I got us tickets to the show.
It was a Circus Olay show, so Iknew it'd be good.
Y'all.
I didn't even realize the showwas called O.
It meant O for orgasm and itwas a whole show.
Like I mean, vegas is alreadysexualized, but think about a
(17:31):
show that's themed on sex.
I honestly, like I was soembarrassed.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
And we ended up walking out of the show.
So bad it made us uncomfortablebecause we've been married now
for two days.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
And we were having sex, so I thought this was
supposed to line up we didn'teven have sex the first night we
got married.
That's true, we were both sick.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
We were both sick.
We were both sick.
So we've been married for two,three days and now we go watch
this show.
We go watch this show and we'relike yo, this is weird, and
we're not looking at each other.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
No, it felt so awkward.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
Because it's a rated R show.
And we thought we were grown,thinking that we could handle it
, and both you and I were boththinking different things.
We're both thinking differentthings about this show.
I'm looking at it saying like,okay, bet, I guess we're doing
all this.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
And that's honestly what I felt of like, oh, I'm
supposed to do all of this.
Like this is what I'm supposedto look like as a woman now that
I'm married.
Yeah, like that's how I'msupposed to behave, that's how
I'm supposed to carry myself inthe bedroom, like okay, that's
what I'm supposed, I guess iswhat I'm supposed to do.
Yeah it.
It really is a shame that thereare not more bible-based,
(18:48):
healthy, um, informational even.
I mean, there is now, there isnow.
They're coming out now, but notwhen we first got married boy,
but when we 15 years ago therewas not, like one of the
podcasts that I've listened tothat I've really really loved is
called One Marriage, and theytalk about like there are seven
pillars of intimacy and there'sall these different things of
(19:10):
ways of connecting and that whenyou get all seven of those kind
of going on a rotation, yoursex life is always in a good
rotation because you're alwaysconnecting intimately in other
ways than just sex.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Yeah, so good.
Let me take a moment and pauseright now and say shout out to
all of our family that'swatching us on YouTube, that's
listening to this on Applepodcast, as listened to this on
Spotify podcast, google podcasts, all the places there, like, if
you guys wouldn't mind,especially on the listening apps
, um, hit that up rate button,just rate it, get it, give it a
(19:43):
five star, unless you reallyfeel like giving us a one star,
and that's how you really feel,I guess.
Tell us how you really feel.
I guess, but if this if you'rewatching this on YouTube right
now, hit that like button.
Or you know how they say smashthat like button.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
Smash that like.
Button.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
No, if you're liking this, then it's simple Just hit
like Send this to someone thatyou feel like this can help them
.
Send this to your spouse, ifyou're engaged right, if you
just got married.
Send it to somebody.
If you know someone that isstruggling with this topic,
right there, hit that link.
That's right there in the bio.
That's hit that link.
That's right there in thedescription.
You can connect with us directly.
Matter of fact, there's a linkin there where you can send us
(20:18):
specifically a direct linemessage, a text message, and so
we want to hear from you guys Ifthese conversations are
bringing you value.
Our goal, again, it's not tojust go viral, but it's to bring
value, and so we really do wantto help people out by letting
you into our conversations.
And so, if you're liking this,hit like um.
If you really want to commit,hit that subscribe button.
(20:40):
Send a comment, right.
Send a comment.
We want to hear back from youguys, as I know some of y'all be
sending some crazy commentscrazy comments, Some of them I
don't have responses to.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Um, before we move on , I do want to recommend this
book too.
This is the Good Girl's Guideto Great Sex.
I've read half of it and it's areally good one too, Because I
think if you are raised inchurch, that is one of the
hardest parts of our journey isgoing from this good girl vibes
to married and what does thatlook like?
(21:10):
And I now feel in the last fewyears I've found the happy
balance of Danny Lee, who I amas a person, a daughter of the
King.
I am loved by my savior and I'mloved by my husband, and so now
I can be me in the bedroom andI don't have to equate myself to
(21:30):
what these you know sex workersare or these R and B girls are,
what the world says.
A hot woman looks like I.
I can just be me and feel lovedby you and connect in that way,
and that gives us the healthiersex life in a marriage Like
what we talked about at thebeginning.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
Yeah, there's a lot of other things too, babe, that
we did to to get clean to gethealthy.
You know we didn't realize some, even some of the shows that we
did to to get clean yeah, toget healthy.
You know we didn't realize some, even some of the shows that we
were watching was polluting ourmind and distorting our
perspective.
So true, when it came to sex inour marriage, there were shows
that we watched, like rememberthat one show that we used to
watch, scandal?
Speaker 1 (22:06):
talk about it because we had to stop watching it.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
We we literally stopped watching it because I
literally did not like what itwas doing to my marriage.
Yeah, watching a show about aman who's the president of the
united states, married with kids, and he's he's shacking up with
the side chick that works thereand all throughout the season.
(22:29):
You find yourself kind ofrooting for them.
A hundred percent rooting forthe homewrecker, the side chick
and but the first lady of thepresident.
she got some weird mess going onand then the side chick got a
weird mess going on and I'm likeand we're watching this, but
we're not really talking aboutit and what it's doing is
(22:50):
planting these little seeds andthoughts in our mind.
It did for me for a few years.
So the years where I felt likeman, like things aren't working
out for you and I I guaranteeyou go to the things that we
were watching and I can tell youwhere that thought was birthed,
from, where that thought camefrom, the years that I thought,
yo, maybe I can have a sidechick, we're watching these
(23:14):
shows.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
And it's crazy how much sometimes it's the tiniest
little seed, little idea thatgets planted in our head that
makes us think those things, andthen we don't think it stuck,
we don't think we turn the TVshow off.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
You think you're mature enough.
Yeah, like that TV show doesn'timpact my decisions, and then
all it takes is one moment ofweakness or one opportunity and
you're like wait, hold up placesthat we were going.
(23:49):
We stopped going, absolutelyLike the things that now.
Here's where we reallystruggled, because the moment we
introduced porn in our marriageearly on, it affected both of
us, because now I find myselfnot going to these websites, but
anything that could trigger it,anything that can go down a
rabbit trail, whether it'sInstagram, facebook, facebook,
(24:16):
pinterest it was everywhere youcould find it Any, a billboard,
a magazine, while traveling.
And so for so many years I hadto fight that thought, fight
those addiction, honestly, y'all.
So some of you guys areprobably thinking you're
listening to this like man, howdo I break that?
I'll tell you exactly how Ibroke it, man, I seeked God, I
prayed to the father in heaven,lord, I am done with this.
I do not want this in my life.
(24:36):
I will never forget the daythat it broke off me.
I was traveling and I was in ahotel room and I didn't like the
thoughts, I didn't like thefeelings, I didn't like what it
was making me do in my mind.
I didn't like what it wasmaking me do to myself.
I didn't like how it was makingme see my wife almost as if my
wife could never live up tothese women in these magazines
(24:58):
or photos or pictures or videos,and I did not like it.
I remember, finally, one time Isaid I can't stop this by
myself.
God, I really need you to takethis.
I remember one day I was in ahotel I've dropped down to my
face.
I said, god, I'm done, I don'twant this, can you please take
this away from me?
I fully submitted to you andI'll never forget.
That was a day, never, once,ever again.
(25:22):
The attraction to it left thediction left all of it.
There was no withdrawals.
I didn't have to like.
I didn't have to like throw myphone in the trash.
I didn't have to like.
It was literally instantly wentaway and anytime there was
anything that could possiblytrigger it, I knew exactly what
to do.
It's like nope, not downloadingthe app.
Nope, I'm not going down thatpage.
Nope, I'm not going to look.
(25:43):
Some girl at the gym, some girlat the airport If you try and
get eye contact with me, girl,you're going to die first
because, straight up, you wouldnever get eye contact with me.
I'm not giving it to you.
I'm not giving it to you, thankyou, because I don't like what
it did to me right in thebeginning stages of our marriage
, where we did not know anythingand we opened up ourselves to
so many different things.
Y'all this, this is real.
(26:05):
We live in a world that I know.
We see all these physical stuffthat's happening, but the bible
talks about how there's a wholenother spiritual realm out
there that is out to destroy usand out to kill us and take our
lives, and that's what Satanwants for us.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
And to kill the marriage.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
He wants to destroy marriage, because if he could
destroy marriages then he candestroy our lineages, he could
destroy our future, he coulddestroy our kids.
There's so many differentthings that can be destroyed
when sex within a marriagehappens, gets distorted,
distorted and it's ruined.
And so that started happeningto us.
It changed the way I evenlooked at you, because the
(26:42):
things that we were looking at,we even there was times where we
got so bad, where we're overhere started to contemplate what
it would look like or feel likeor whatever with other people.
So I remember, babe, many yearsago, when we both made the
decision of like what we wantedto do when it came to the topic
of sex, how we talked about it,the things that we liked, we
(27:02):
stopped and talked and askedlike what do you like?
Speaker 1 (27:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:05):
What do you like that I do, what do you not like?
There are some times, finally,I had to say, man, okay, you
know that one thing that you bedoing.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
Hey, I don't like it.
He's like I don't like it, Idon't like it thing.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
I'm like do this, not that and then there are some
times I'm like yo, I got mygo-to moves and she was like
okay, it's getting old yep, sureyes it's getting.
No, I'm gonna need you to getsome other moves when you do
that, it just nope.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
It doesn't do it for me.
It annoys me yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
So then guys, listen, fellas, husbands, listen.
And I'm saying husbands because, husbands and wives, that's
where sex was created, that'swhere that's what it was created
for.
Sometimes you just got tohumble yourself and ask your
wife like what do?
Speaker 1 (27:44):
you want me to do, it's true.
And women, you have to speak upand say this is what I like and
this is what I don't like, orthis is what happens when you do
that.
God literally made a woman'sbody to just enjoy sex.
Sex is not just, like someChristians will say, sex is only
to create people, childrenbabies lineage.
(28:06):
It's not.
Our bodies are designed toenjoy it.
But if you don't speak up andif you just take on that weight
of like oh, I just have tosatisfy my husband, you'll
resent him Like.
We have to speak up and saylike this is what I like.
I like when you do this or Ilike when you do that.
That's why you have to touch meall day throughout the house.
Like I need to feel thatconnection with you all day,
(28:27):
because if I don't feel anytouch of your hand all day long,
no hugs, no kiss before you goto work, no, nothing.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
And then I feel you right before bed.
No, thank you's the case.
That's not how it's.
It's a build-up.
It's all day.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
You gotta fill the tank and there's some times I'm
like I know that I didn't fillyour tank up, so I'm not even
gonna mess with you at night,and that's okay, I respect that
because?
Speaker 2 (28:50):
because I respect you to the point where I'm just
like you know what you're mywife, and we're gonna do this
anyway, because there are somecodependent relationships out
there, some narcissistic dudesout there that dangle cheating
and affairs and stepping out ontheir wife just to control their
wife by giving themselves up tothem.
I'm like yo dude.
First of all, you're wrong, forthat that's wrong.
(29:12):
So those nights when I'm likeman, I didn't fill up her tank
at all all day today.
So what I'm not going to do isslide in my bed at night and
just think my wife's just goingto give it to me, even though
she could, even though I knowthat she would, and I know that
she would never withhold it.
I respect you, babe, so muchthat I wouldn't ever, ever dare
take it.
There's been some times I'vetried and I can tell you were in
(29:32):
a mood and I'm like nah, babe,you're good, it's okay, I'll see
.
I go to sleep night night.
God bless you.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
You did not say God bless you.
Speaker 2 (29:41):
Or there's or there's some other times.
I know you're okay with it, soI'll come home late at night
from work or somebody, or I'mtraveling and you're like just
wake me up.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
That's true, I do tell you that sometimes, Listen
I can't stay awake till you gethere, but when you're here now
while you're up, you'll wake meup.
I'm a live sleeper.
This that's not okay.
Um, sorry, that's it, just wentanother way um, we're joking
guys.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
By the way, if you guys can tell I'll never say
just joking, I never say jk, Ijust feel like that's a bad joke
.
If you guys say just jokinglike um, then you I I guess I
don't know either way, women andwives, you still have to
consent at all times.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
So, husbands, you still need consent from your
wife.
Period, point blank.
Nothing at the end of thatsentence.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
Yeah, the Bible says, like husbands, for us to love
our wives, like Christ loved thechurch, and I always have this
thought, and I've said it somany different times, that
Christ died for the church, it'sthe ultimate sacrifice.
And so, for me, christ died forthe church, it's the ultimate
sacrifice.
Yeah, and so for me, the way Isee it is, even though we're one
, my body is yours and your bodyis mine.
Like, if you're not in the mood, if you're not feeling it, I'm
(30:50):
going to just be like, okay,cool To make that sacrifice, and
I'm not going to pout, I'm notgoing to threaten you about
leaving, or like, if you don'tgive it up, someone else is
going to give it to me.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
Right.
But to be fair, on my side,there are a lot of times that I
decide I'm going to serve youbecause Christ died for the
church, but the church servesChrist.
And so there are a lot of timesI'm not in the mood, I am
really tired, I the kids tookeverything out of me, I'm
stressed out about groceries,bills, whatever I got to do.
(31:23):
But I am going to be open toyou and I am going to engage and
I am going to like lower thosewalls of what I talked about,
cause it's an emotionalconnection.
Like women, we almost have tohave that emotional connection
to be able to do it.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
Yeah, Because I mean speaking.
And even in that same context,in the Bible, you know, it said
for wives to submit yourselvesto your husband.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
So there are times where I don't feel like it or I
may not want to, but because Ilove you and because I my role
is to serve you, I'm not goingto make you not ask or I'm not
going to make you get turnedaway Like I'm going to say okay,
I actually what we say is like,well, you're just going to have
to wake me up or inspire me,I'll get it started.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
So what I do is fire me.
So what I do is I drop thetemperature in the house super
low to where it's super cold,where she needs me to snuggle.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
It was 67 degrees in this house today when we started
recording guys 67.
I told this man this is nothealthy working conditions.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
Yeah, Well, we're going to have to snuggle.
I hope you better have.
You better have some time todayafter this recording right now.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
Anyways, I love this conversation, though, because it
does make space for, and whatwe hope is that other couples
will turn this off when we'redone and say okay, what are some
of the things that you're goinginto our relationship with?
We're getting married nextmonth, what are some things
you're walking in with, what aresome boundaries that we're
going to set, what feel okay forus, and knowing also that those
(32:55):
things can change.
Sometimes there are things that, again, we thought we were fine
with allowing certain thingsinto our marriage.
Of a show, something asinnocent as a mainstream
Campbell show.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (33:09):
And then we decided wait a minute, yep, we can't
allow this into our marriageanymore.
So, knowing that those thingswill grow and evolve, oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
And always having that conversation open, oh yeah,
man, there's a lot of stuff wecut out.
I mean, we even drew hard lineswhen it came to single friends.
That was living crazy wildsexual lives Right Cause,
especially for you, like you hadsome coworkers that would come
to work the next day talkingabout all the stuff that they
did.
Right and those thoughts get inyour mind.
(33:36):
That's the type of world thatwe live in.
Right, we like we had to cutout friends.
Like that, we had to cut outshows.
Right, it has ever been.
I could probably, we canprobably, count on one hands at
(34:01):
times.
It was awkward, but I'm like,I'm grateful, man Cause God
restored us Like we enjoy if, if, if I'm, if I have to have sex
with you for the rest of my life, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.
But it wasn't always that way,because at the beginning and in
the middle we started thinkingman, what would it look like?
What if we?
What do we?
Speaker 1 (34:21):
need to add?
What do we need to?
Do this Like, almost as if itwasn't good enough, with just me
and you?
And I think it was theconnection of all those three
things that we said sex is thephysical, the emotional, the
spiritual, the spiritual.
And now that those connectionshave grown so deep in so many
(34:42):
layers including the times of uswhere we had a really hard
season, including the timeswhere we had to rebuild our
whole marriage after year 10,all of those things make it even
better Now we had.
Speaker 2 (34:53):
This is going.
This is going to rock somepeople.
We had sex during our toughesttimes in our marriage.
Speaker 1 (35:00):
You sure did, still did, yep.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
There was one time I said something way out of pocket
.
We were in one of our toughesttimes in the middle of marriage
therapy Wasn't sure if we coulddo it Like, wasn't sure we could
make it through.
We had sex that night.
It was great, we enjoyed it andI was right.
When we were just done I waslike, hey, just so you know
we're still not good oh my god,I forgot I was like just so you
(35:28):
know, we're still working somethings out I guys it.
Speaker 1 (35:33):
This is the miracle power of jesus that this man is
living here today.
I could have killed you afteryou said that.
Are you freaking, joking?
What happened is we justfinished having sex it was good
sex.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
It was like after marriage, it was after
counseling.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
It was after therapy, you're right.
Speaker 2 (35:48):
So we had sex, it was good and like, but you were
like being all mushy of like, oh, I'm so glad Like we're still
good and working, and just likewe didn't lose ourselves and I
was like, babe, we're still notin a good place.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
You just, it's literally textbook, my emotions
and your like literal Right,like brain.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
Like how men are so much more mental.
Speaker 1 (36:15):
That's why you guys are stimulated by porn.
That's why you are stimulatedby pictures is because it's a
mental thing for you guys,simulated by porn.
That's why you are simulated bypictures is because it's a
mental thing for you guys, butfor us it's an emotional thing.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
Even today, I'll say right now, even today at the gym
, seeing all these ladies aroundhere and one's working out
right there, I was like I'mgoing over there.
You better put your blinders on,I'm going over there, and it
has nothing to do with I'm weak.
It has everything to do withwhat you just said.
You're human, I'm human and Ilook at something.
If I look at it long enough,then I get attracted to it, then
(36:43):
it becomes something and it canget in me and I'm strong enough
now to say nope, nope, I seeyou, I see you, I see you.
All y'all good, looking,looking, wait, ladies, I'm good,
I'm going to go ahead and do mybench presses over there in the
corner, in the corner, or I'mout, and so I can say that right
now, because what you just said, it's a real thing.
So that night when we had sex,that night, I get it for you,
(37:04):
it's that emotional connection,which is what I need.
So it's all connected together.
For me it was the physicalconnection.
We got that.
We, hey, we got it on.
It was good and you're like alot of emotional work to do and
you was like oh, I'm so glad,like we're good, and I'm like,
babe, we're not good.
Just so you know, this sexright here was good.
(37:24):
We're good now, and by the graceof God we've been set free.
Sex is better now than it'sever been.
I keep saying that because weenjoy it.
We're going to do it today.
It's so many different things,but, man, I really just want to
encourage you guys, um, if youguys are in a season where
you're struggling in yourmarriage, when it comes to your
sex life, um, we're nottherapists, we're not experts,
(37:45):
we we're not none of that.
We're just a married couple thatloves God and that loves each
other, and we love others, andour goal is to really help other
people, and so if you feel likeyou're struggling in that
category, hit us up, send us amessage.
We may not even have the answerfor you, and if we don't have
the answer for you, we're goingto point you to someone who does
have the resources but moreimportantly, this channel is for
the purpose of seeingrestoration in relationships and
(38:09):
I believe that, and we believethat here at let's Dig, the
podcast, that life is so muchbetter when the relationships
are better Our relationship withGod, our relationship with
other people and then ourrelationship with ourselves.
Man, everything is tied to it.
Your next step is based off ofyour relationship that you have.
How life is with your coworkers, with your boss, with your
leaders, with your spouse, withyour kids, with your cousins,
(38:31):
your mommy, your daddy, yourlandscape guy I don't matter who
it is, your neighborRelationships is key to
everything in his life.
Listen, life was not meant to bedone alone, and if anyone says
I'm going to do this life all bymyself, like I'm sorry to hear
that man, you're missing out somuch on what life has to offer.
So, when it comes to marriage,when it comes to this topic
right here and, matter of fact,let me just say this right now I
(38:54):
got to say I'm sorry to Dan andLee's mom.
I forgot that she was listeningto this.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
I hope I was.
Speaker 2 (38:58):
I meant to give a disclaimer to her at the
beginning.
Speaker 1 (39:00):
I'm going to text her before this and I was going to
text your mom text your mom andbe like hey, you probably
shouldn't listen to today'srecording.
She watches every singleepisode, I know, and then every
single episode she hits you up,but I appreciate her.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
I love her support day one, but love you guys,
appreciate you guys in thisseason, if you guys are enjoying
these conversations, yo, forreal family, listen, hit us up,
send us a message.
We want to know what, what elsewe need to talk about.
There's something you want usto talk about?
Speaker 1 (39:27):
just I mean, let us know it's up.
Man we love y'all keep diggingpeace.
If I asked you what does a healthy sex life look
inside of a marriage?
What does that look like?
What do you think of?
Speaker 2 (00:11):
First of all, I think that's a big question to ask.
It's a huge question Even onthis whole topic of sex and
marriage, just because of theworld that we live in, because
of how we started and how, whenwe first got married, what we
thought about it and the last 14years of the rollercoaster in
our sex life as a healthymarried couple, which we weren't
(00:31):
always healthy.
We're healthy now, but weweren't always healthy.
So let me ask this question onemore time.
Just make sure we're on thesame page.
You're asking me what do Ithink sex should look like in a
healthy marriage?
Yep exactly.
Or what should it feel like?
Speaker 1 (00:46):
no, but no well I mean I'll leave and look like
okay right, okay, all right,what's up?
Y'all, we're so glad you havejoined us for this conversation.
It's gonna get a little deep.
We're gonna talk about somethings, but I mean we're gonna
have a real conversation aboutsex and marriage, real
conversation.
But our goal, honestly, is tonot be vulgar, it is to be
(01:10):
vulnerable, and we feel likethis conversation isn't had
enough and so it's not an easyconversation to have on a
platform like this.
It's like my hands are sweatinga little bit.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
And there are a lot of great conversations that are
out there right now on YouTube.
We've watched quite a bit.
We've listened to otherpodcasters and other people that
we look up to and respect andwe've listened to their take on
sex in a marriage and some of ithas helped us out.
And so this is ourconversations in our household,
things that we've discovered howwe've overcome in our situation
(01:43):
.
And sex hasn't always been thesame in our marriage.
It hasn't always been the same.
It's actually changed a lotover the last few years, I'd say
over the last three, four years.
It's changed so much.
And it's not what I ever thoughtit would be and I'm not going
to lie.
We get married and you thinklike, oh man, I'm going to have
sex with the same person for therest of my life and that
(02:10):
thought is crazy to think.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
But you know, it's blown our mind of where we,
where we've come in our sex life.
So I'm cool with it, man, let'sdig, let's dig.
So what were some of the thingsthat you came into when you got
married, like what you thoughtmarriage would look like at the
beginning.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
Yeah, that's why you would.
First of all, because that's ahard question to answer.
You just asked me two bigquestions at the top of this
conversation.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
What else do you want ?
This is the conversation.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
We both came into our marriage with a bunch of
baggage.
I think what was tough was wedidn't really talk about what we
thought in our mind towardseach other what sex would look
like.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
That's true, we didn't talk about it.
I you know especially, and thenbeing raised in the church
world, in the church world.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
You did not talk about sex, that puts a whole
nother layer on it.
You did not talk about sex.
You talked about purity.
We talked about abstaining fromsex, not having anything to do
with it, and then one day, whenyou become someone's spouse,
you're supposed to give it allup to them.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
I think that is one of the hardest things for women
in church as followers of Jesus,that we are taught to like
shove all that sexuality down,like turn it off, don't pay
attention to it, don't listen toit, and then all of a sudden
get married and turn it all onand have sex whenever your
husband asks for it, I mean inthe Bible, even talks about how.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
in Corinthians, you know, Paul talks about how your
body don't even belong to youanymore.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
That's crazy, both ways.
Both ways, husband and wifeboth ways.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
So to get married, going into marriage with that
thought of like, okay, her bodydoesn't belong to her, marriage
with that thought of like, okay,her body doesn't belong to her,
it's mine.
My body don't belong to me,it's hers.
We're one now and I'm supposedto think that you're thinking
everything I'm thinking when itcomes to sex, you know.
And then you know, I'll behonest with you.
Babe, when we got married, likeI, I thought I had a good
(04:00):
understanding of what sex shouldbe like.
Like I wasn't into porn oranything like that I'll say this
and we'll talk about this later.
Porn really didn't enter my lifeinto after marriage.
That's so crazy.
Porn didn't enter my life intoafter marriage.
That's crazy.
And so we go into this thinkinglike, okay, anything that I
(04:22):
thought about sex or anythingthat I thought about girls or
anything like that, I'm going todo it all to my wife, right?
You know?
And I remember we had someweird awkward moments when we
talked about it.
I mean even honeymoon night.
First of all, honeymoon nightwe didn't even have sex.
We went to sleep because wewere tired and we both were sick
.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
We only had three hours.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
And we both were sick .
Speaker 1 (04:40):
We were sick on our wedding day.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
Yeah, let's talk about that.
We went to.
I'm going to answer yourquestion a little bit later.
I know some people listeninglike, hey, he didn't even answer
the question of what did hebring into it.
I'll tell you what I broughtinto it.
I brought into it nothing.
Nothing because no one told meanything about sex.
No one told me anything aboutum, on what it would look like
in the context of marriage.
So I came into it thinking it'sa big mess.
(05:03):
I came into it thinking like,yes, I can get sex anytime I
want.
It don't matter what day it is,it doesn't matter if she's
awake or if she's asleep, that'swrong.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
That's what I thought when we first like.
You know what I mean, that'strue.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
And then and then I thought I'll say this too.
I thought, when we got married,I thought that, you know, there
would not be any morning breathor that everything would always
be nice and peachy and rosy allthe time.
And I could just be like knock,knock, and you'd be like who's
there?
I'd be like daddy, let's go.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
I did think that sex life would be easy Like that.
The hard part was to not havesex before you get married.
But the easy part is, once youget married you get to have sex,
and that I never thought thatthere would be so many ebbs and
flows of what season you're in,what like pregnancy looks like
after babies.
Like I never knew that it wouldactually take so much effort on
my part, even down to you know,sex is made for three things it
(06:04):
is made for a physicalconnection and an emotional
connection and a spiritualconnection, and I never knew how
much work it would cause, likein my emotions and in my
spiritual side, to like forgive,to let walls down.
That walls down.
Like it is a constant job, Ifeel like for women, or at least
(06:26):
for me, to like make sure I putmy walls down when it comes to
you, when I am hurt, and I tellyou because I can, you could do
something that accidentally hurtmy feelings and you won't know
it, it wasn't intentional.
But until I tell you, guesswhat?
I'm, I'm not wanting to havesex with you.
So I have to tell you.
I have to put those walls down,I have to forgive.
(06:47):
Um, we talked about it inanother episode a few weeks ago
of like going to bed together,that a lot of times that's when
I'll open up or I'll sharesomething with you, and so it is
so that we can have thatemotional connection, that
spiritual connection, and thenthe physical connection is the
benefit of it.
Yeah, but I didn't realize howmuch work would go into it.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
It's a lot of work.
I don't honestly think we hadconversation about sex until I
mean, I'd say, a year or so intoour marriage.
Yeah, probably.
We just didn't talk about it,we just did it.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
It's very true.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
We just did it, and if it was awkward, if it didn't
make sense or one enjoyed it,the other one didn't enjoy it,
we just didn't really talk aboutit and there was no one to talk
about it to.
There was no spaces orenvironments to comfortably talk
about, especially for us beingin the church world.
You just don't talk about it.
And then unfortunately and Iknow it's changing, but
(07:42):
unfortunately it's changing now,but unfortunately then 15 years
ago like people didn't openlytalk about their marriage
problems and situations in thechurch.
So you just would look to people, you would look to your leaders
and you just think they wereall good, but they weren't
telling you.
You weren't telling.
We all just showed up.
Hey, how you doing Good, youguys good, yeah, we're good,
we're good.
Everybody good, we're good,everybody good.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Good, I well, less than highly favored, we're all
good, yeah well, dane, I guesswe're all good, but then that
made us think that we're broken,because we walked into the
place thinking like but we'renot good but we're not good or I
don't get it, or I mean, for meit was a big process and a big
journey coming from the puritystages of growing up in that
purity culture, and I did have apurity ring from my parents and
(08:27):
all these things, and then Iget married.
So then I think I'm actuallysupposed to pull all these other
outside influences that are outin the world.
I'm supposed to bring that home.
The good old saying I think awise man wrote it one time.
It said a lady in the streetsand a freak in the sheets.
Like that's what I thought Iwas supposed to be.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
That's crazy.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
And I didn't know that those were actually outside
influences as well, and thatthe world will always tell us a
perverted version of what Godcreated.
And I think that's where wewere.
We didn't have the knowledge todecipher that.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
Yeah, so we didn't talk about it, like we didn't
really have moments.
I do remember us, you know, afew years into it, I mean, and
then just getting married andyou know the world that we live
in, I mean, it's so many, somuch is implied, think about it.
Bridal showers what type ofgifts are bringing, are brought
to bridal showers?
Speaker 1 (09:25):
for sure.
I mean there was one that I gotgifted.
I mean I got a few like outfitsand things like that, and I
remember one of the outfits Iwore for you one time and it
completely changed my view ofyou.
Yeah, because I met you inbible college.
I met you as a musician in thechurch, I met you on staff and
(09:45):
then that one time I wore thegift from my bridal shower and I
remember saying, like you'redifferent, so think about this
so here.
We have changed so much.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
So here we have it You're getting married.
You're not sure what sex issupposed to be like.
You have in your mind what youthink it should be.
You're brought a shower.
All the gifts are implyingsomething, Not all the gifts
majority, Most of them yeah.
Yeah, most of the gifts areimplying something.
For sure so now you're gettingthese gifts.
(10:18):
We're not going to list thegifts, right, because this is
not for you guys to take yourimagination a bunch of places
and take your mind off whatwe're talking about.
But you get all these giftsfrom all these special secret
places that you almost even feelembarrassed opening it up.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
For sure.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
And then you bring it home.
We get married.
I pull out this drawer.
I'm like yo, what's all thisstuff?
Speaker 1 (10:36):
I mean, that's part of the fun of a bridal shower,
is that like, oh my gosh, we getto celebrate, this girl gets to
take care of business?
It's part of that like becomingwomanhood.
But I really wish that therewas more conversation, or that
young girls I mean I was 22,right, I think I was 22 and got
married.
Like you know, no one said likeor not that I could remember
(10:59):
Maybe somebody did, but I didn'twalk in there knowing like, hey
, here's what you should do foryour husband, here's where the
lines are for you to draw foryou.
You know, like deeper, realconversations.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
Yeah, there were no conversations of like yo, this
is all fun and games, we'replaying around with these toys
and things like that.
But for real, though, have aconversation with your husband,
put this stuff in front of himand say, hey, babe, what do you
think about this little toy,this little thing right here,
this little whip, this plugwhatever.
Oh wait, I said I wasn't goingto list anything, babe.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
I said we are not being vulgar, yeah my bad, my
bad.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
I just saw it.
I just literally saw it from 10, 15 years ago.
But we?
So now we get married and I seeall these things and in my head
I'm thinking like the one thatwe've shut down for 20 years of
(11:51):
our life, because we grew up inchurch.
And then, because we had noguide, we just thought you know
what, we're married, now we cando all the things we're going to
list all the things.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
It was literally like we can do whatever we want.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
So, guys, whatever you're thinking of, like, what
did they do?
Unfortunately, I sayunfortunately we did because we
were young, naive, didn't know.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
So we laid out.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
You don't know what they're thinking some of them
are thinking like what did theydo?
Speaker 1 (12:17):
okay, we never let anybody into our marriage.
I feel like that.
Let's pause, very clear let'spause, so whatever.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
So there are a lot of things that we either did,
tried, considered, entertained,talked about, like there's stuff
we talked about, it's true, we,we I mean we messed up so much
things about our marriage at thebeginning when it came to our
sexuality, like it is literallyby the grace of god that we
stand here today restored andsex is better now than it's ever
(12:47):
been in our whole marriage andwe still have the best years to
come, because the facts are byresearch, year 15 to year 20 is
the best years of a healthymarriage.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Well, baby.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
We in year 14 right now, so next year.
We're just on the edge it'sgonna be popping off next year
but when we first got married?
So we're young, we're naive, wehave no knowledge of of sex,
other than what the world tellsus sex should be right.
So now, one day, we have thisbright idea which not a bright
idea, but we're sitting there,we're like we don't talk about
it.
So we just start talking abouteverything.
(13:20):
Right, all these toys are laidout.
Right, we've been married formonths.
We start talking about well,how do we even use these toys?
that opens the door to porn yeahand that's what that happened,
that happened to in our marriage.
So now here we are, young naive.
Here we're watching porntogether.
Now, as a newlywed, noconviction, we didn't feel bad
(13:42):
about it right.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
We had no one to talk about it.
We thought that under thecovering of marriage, it was
good we could do whatever wewant to do.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Hey, that's my body, slash your body.
That's your body, slash my body.
We all want to write.
Write.
If I'm good, you're good.
So now we start watching thesethings, entertaining things.
We would watch these thingsbefore we go to bed.
That opened up so much darknesswhen it came to our marriage,
and I think that's one of thereasons why our marriage
struggled for a few years yeah,for several years, because what
we opened it up to we I mean wewe started going to strip clubs.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
We did.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Let's talk about that for a moment, cause some of
y'all thinking like, oh my.
God I can't believe they didthat.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
I can't believe we did.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Yeah, we did.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
We did.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
We did.
We had no shame, we were justwe were doing all these things.
And here's the crazy thing is,we'd show up to churches, We'd
show up to places, We'd askother people hey, how you guys
doing?
Oh, we're good.
Hey, you guys y'all married.
It was just like oh, so I guesswe're good too.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
I guess we're just on the journey of a newlyweds, I
guess we.
No one talked about it, so Ithought we're good.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
So we're over here experimenting, do all these
other things.
I mean, we considered, weconsidered all we're not.
I'm not going to say it.
You're not going to say thethings.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
You're not going to say it.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
Just so you guys know , this is our second attempt at
today's recording, Because westarted already earlier today
and Daly was like you can't besaying some of that stuff.
I'm like, okay, maybe we shouldstart a Patreon.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
We can just let it on there.
I don't know if that's evengoing to work.
I don't even think I'd share itwith the Patreon.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
Yeah, no, first of all I'm going to say, it is that
God has set us free and we'vebeen delivered, and the reason
why we're having thisconversation is because we want
to be able to help somebody.
We're not going to helpeverybody, but we can help
somebody.
There are some people that aremarried and you're thinking that
hope is all gone.
You think that there's nothingthat you can do.
You have this bad mindset whenit comes to sex, and sex is a
gift from God between man and awoman for us to connect
(15:40):
physically, emotionally,spiritually, to multiply, have
kids.
It is one of the greatestthings given to us in our
marriage and I know it's achallenge, right?
Because you know, and I thinkI'm proud enough to say this,
man, that you have never oncewithheld sex from me.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
Yeah, but it goes hand in hand.
Because you have so muchrespect for me, you've never
forced me to have to say no.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Yeah, I've never taken sex from you.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Right.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
And we realize that spousal, you know, sexual abuse
is a thing.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
It's a real thing, whether it's emotional, whether
it's manipulative, like peoplereally do weaponize sex, and
even if it's in a marriage, thatdoes not mean that it's not
weaponized.
That does not mean that youcannot be abused in that way
inside of a marriage.
Marriage does not cover that.
There are still things that canbe considered emotional abuse,
(16:36):
manipulation.
It's not okay.
But because you've never forcedme into a position where I've
had to tell you no, I've neverhad to tell you no.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Yeah, and that realization has just happened in
the last several years, becausein the beginning years, right.
So we just listed all thesethings that we added, things
that we've done wrong.
Even when we first got married,we went to Vegas for our
honeymoon and we thought, yo,we're grown baby, we could do
whatever we want to do.
We could watch whatever show wewant to watch, and you remember
(17:06):
that show that we went to, ohmy gosh Guys.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
We couldn't afford more than one show in Vegas.
Everybody says you got to go toa show.
So I got us tickets to the show.
It was a Circus Olay show, so Iknew it'd be good.
Y'all.
I didn't even realize the showwas called O.
It meant O for orgasm and itwas a whole show.
Like I mean, vegas is alreadysexualized, but think about a
(17:31):
show that's themed on sex.
I honestly, like I was soembarrassed.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
And we ended up walking out of the show.
So bad it made us uncomfortablebecause we've been married now
for two days.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
And we were having sex, so I thought this was
supposed to line up we didn'teven have sex the first night we
got married.
That's true, we were both sick.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
We were both sick.
We were both sick.
So we've been married for two,three days and now we go watch
this show.
We go watch this show and we'relike yo, this is weird, and
we're not looking at each other.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
No, it felt so awkward.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
Because it's a rated R show.
And we thought we were grown,thinking that we could handle it
, and both you and I were boththinking different things.
We're both thinking differentthings about this show.
I'm looking at it saying like,okay, bet, I guess we're doing
all this.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
And that's honestly what I felt of like, oh, I'm
supposed to do all of this.
Like this is what I'm supposedto look like as a woman now that
I'm married.
Yeah, like that's how I'msupposed to behave, that's how
I'm supposed to carry myself inthe bedroom, like okay, that's
what I'm supposed, I guess iswhat I'm supposed to do.
Yeah it.
It really is a shame that thereare not more bible-based,
(18:48):
healthy, um, informational even.
I mean, there is now, there isnow.
They're coming out now, but notwhen we first got married boy,
but when we 15 years ago therewas not, like one of the
podcasts that I've listened tothat I've really really loved is
called One Marriage, and theytalk about like there are seven
pillars of intimacy and there'sall these different things of
(19:10):
ways of connecting and that whenyou get all seven of those kind
of going on a rotation, yoursex life is always in a good
rotation because you're alwaysconnecting intimately in other
ways than just sex.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Yeah, so good.
Let me take a moment and pauseright now and say shout out to
all of our family that'swatching us on YouTube, that's
listening to this on Applepodcast, as listened to this on
Spotify podcast, google podcasts, all the places there, like, if
you guys wouldn't mind,especially on the listening apps
, um, hit that up rate button,just rate it, get it, give it a
(19:43):
five star, unless you reallyfeel like giving us a one star,
and that's how you really feel,I guess.
Tell us how you really feel.
I guess, but if this if you'rewatching this on YouTube right
now, hit that like button.
Or you know how they say smashthat like button.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
Smash that like.
Button.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
No, if you're liking this, then it's simple Just hit
like Send this to someone thatyou feel like this can help them
.
Send this to your spouse, ifyou're engaged right, if you
just got married.
Send it to somebody.
If you know someone that isstruggling with this topic,
right there, hit that link.
That's right there in the bio.
That's hit that link.
That's right there in thedescription.
You can connect with us directly.
Matter of fact, there's a linkin there where you can send us
(20:18):
specifically a direct linemessage, a text message, and so
we want to hear from you guys Ifthese conversations are
bringing you value.
Our goal, again, it's not tojust go viral, but it's to bring
value, and so we really do wantto help people out by letting
you into our conversations.
And so, if you're liking this,hit like um.
If you really want to commit,hit that subscribe button.
(20:40):
Send a comment, right.
Send a comment.
We want to hear back from youguys, as I know some of y'all be
sending some crazy commentscrazy comments, Some of them I
don't have responses to.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Um, before we move on , I do want to recommend this
book too.
This is the Good Girl's Guideto Great Sex.
I've read half of it and it's areally good one too, Because I
think if you are raised inchurch, that is one of the
hardest parts of our journey isgoing from this good girl vibes
to married and what does thatlook like?
(21:10):
And I now feel in the last fewyears I've found the happy
balance of Danny Lee, who I amas a person, a daughter of the
King.
I am loved by my savior and I'mloved by my husband, and so now
I can be me in the bedroom andI don't have to equate myself to
(21:30):
what these you know sex workersare or these R and B girls are,
what the world says.
A hot woman looks like I.
I can just be me and feel lovedby you and connect in that way,
and that gives us the healthiersex life in a marriage Like
what we talked about at thebeginning.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
Yeah, there's a lot of other things too, babe, that
we did to to get clean to gethealthy.
You know we didn't realize some, even some of the shows that we
did to to get clean yeah, toget healthy.
You know we didn't realize some, even some of the shows that we
were watching was polluting ourmind and distorting our
perspective.
So true, when it came to sex inour marriage, there were shows
that we watched, like rememberthat one show that we used to
watch, scandal?
Speaker 1 (22:06):
talk about it because we had to stop watching it.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
We we literally stopped watching it because I
literally did not like what itwas doing to my marriage.
Yeah, watching a show about aman who's the president of the
united states, married with kids, and he's he's shacking up with
the side chick that works thereand all throughout the season.
(22:29):
You find yourself kind ofrooting for them.
A hundred percent rooting forthe homewrecker, the side chick
and but the first lady of thepresident.
she got some weird mess going onand then the side chick got a
weird mess going on and I'm likeand we're watching this, but
we're not really talking aboutit and what it's doing is
(22:50):
planting these little seeds andthoughts in our mind.
It did for me for a few years.
So the years where I felt likeman, like things aren't working
out for you and I I guaranteeyou go to the things that we
were watching and I can tell youwhere that thought was birthed,
from, where that thought camefrom, the years that I thought,
yo, maybe I can have a sidechick, we're watching these
(23:14):
shows.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
And it's crazy how much sometimes it's the tiniest
little seed, little idea thatgets planted in our head that
makes us think those things, andthen we don't think it stuck,
we don't think we turn the TVshow off.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
You think you're mature enough.
Yeah, like that TV show doesn'timpact my decisions, and then
all it takes is one moment ofweakness or one opportunity and
you're like wait, hold up placesthat we were going.
(23:49):
We stopped going, absolutelyLike the things that now.
Here's where we reallystruggled, because the moment we
introduced porn in our marriageearly on, it affected both of
us, because now I find myselfnot going to these websites, but
anything that could trigger it,anything that can go down a
rabbit trail, whether it'sInstagram, facebook, facebook,
(24:16):
pinterest it was everywhere youcould find it Any, a billboard,
a magazine, while traveling.
And so for so many years I hadto fight that thought, fight
those addiction, honestly, y'all.
So some of you guys areprobably thinking you're
listening to this like man, howdo I break that?
I'll tell you exactly how Ibroke it, man, I seeked God, I
prayed to the father in heaven,lord, I am done with this.
I do not want this in my life.
(24:36):
I will never forget the daythat it broke off me.
I was traveling and I was in ahotel room and I didn't like the
thoughts, I didn't like thefeelings, I didn't like what it
was making me do in my mind.
I didn't like what it wasmaking me do to myself.
I didn't like how it was makingme see my wife almost as if my
wife could never live up tothese women in these magazines
(24:58):
or photos or pictures or videos,and I did not like it.
I remember, finally, one time Isaid I can't stop this by
myself.
God, I really need you to takethis.
I remember one day I was in ahotel I've dropped down to my
face.
I said, god, I'm done, I don'twant this, can you please take
this away from me?
I fully submitted to you andI'll never forget.
That was a day, never, once,ever again.
(25:22):
The attraction to it left thediction left all of it.
There was no withdrawals.
I didn't have to like.
I didn't have to like throw myphone in the trash.
I didn't have to like.
It was literally instantly wentaway and anytime there was
anything that could possiblytrigger it, I knew exactly what
to do.
It's like nope, not downloadingthe app.
Nope, I'm not going down thatpage.
Nope, I'm not going to look.
(25:43):
Some girl at the gym, some girlat the airport If you try and
get eye contact with me, girl,you're going to die first
because, straight up, you wouldnever get eye contact with me.
I'm not giving it to you.
I'm not giving it to you, thankyou, because I don't like what
it did to me right in thebeginning stages of our marriage
, where we did not know anythingand we opened up ourselves to
so many different things.
Y'all this, this is real.
(26:05):
We live in a world that I know.
We see all these physical stuffthat's happening, but the bible
talks about how there's a wholenother spiritual realm out
there that is out to destroy usand out to kill us and take our
lives, and that's what Satanwants for us.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
And to kill the marriage.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
He wants to destroy marriage, because if he could
destroy marriages then he candestroy our lineages, he could
destroy our future, he coulddestroy our kids.
There's so many differentthings that can be destroyed
when sex within a marriagehappens, gets distorted,
distorted and it's ruined.
And so that started happeningto us.
It changed the way I evenlooked at you, because the
(26:42):
things that we were looking at,we even there was times where we
got so bad, where we're overhere started to contemplate what
it would look like or feel likeor whatever with other people.
So I remember, babe, many yearsago, when we both made the
decision of like what we wantedto do when it came to the topic
of sex, how we talked about it,the things that we liked, we
(27:02):
stopped and talked and askedlike what do you like?
Speaker 1 (27:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:05):
What do you like that I do, what do you not like?
There are some times, finally,I had to say, man, okay, you
know that one thing that you bedoing.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
Hey, I don't like it.
He's like I don't like it, Idon't like it thing.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
I'm like do this, not that and then there are some
times I'm like yo, I got mygo-to moves and she was like
okay, it's getting old yep, sureyes it's getting.
No, I'm gonna need you to getsome other moves when you do
that, it just nope.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
It doesn't do it for me.
It annoys me yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
So then guys, listen, fellas, husbands, listen.
And I'm saying husbands because, husbands and wives, that's
where sex was created, that'swhere that's what it was created
for.
Sometimes you just got tohumble yourself and ask your
wife like what do?
Speaker 1 (27:44):
you want me to do, it's true.
And women, you have to speak upand say this is what I like and
this is what I don't like, orthis is what happens when you do
that.
God literally made a woman'sbody to just enjoy sex.
Sex is not just, like someChristians will say, sex is only
to create people, childrenbabies lineage.
(28:06):
It's not.
Our bodies are designed toenjoy it.
But if you don't speak up andif you just take on that weight
of like oh, I just have tosatisfy my husband, you'll
resent him Like.
We have to speak up and saylike this is what I like.
I like when you do this or Ilike when you do that.
That's why you have to touch meall day throughout the house.
Like I need to feel thatconnection with you all day,
(28:27):
because if I don't feel anytouch of your hand all day long,
no hugs, no kiss before you goto work, no, nothing.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
And then I feel you right before bed.
No, thank you's the case.
That's not how it's.
It's a build-up.
It's all day.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
You gotta fill the tank and there's some times I'm
like I know that I didn't fillyour tank up, so I'm not even
gonna mess with you at night,and that's okay, I respect that
because?
Speaker 2 (28:50):
because I respect you to the point where I'm just
like you know what you're mywife, and we're gonna do this
anyway, because there are somecodependent relationships out
there, some narcissistic dudesout there that dangle cheating
and affairs and stepping out ontheir wife just to control their
wife by giving themselves up tothem.
I'm like yo dude.
First of all, you're wrong, forthat that's wrong.
(29:12):
So those nights when I'm likeman, I didn't fill up her tank
at all all day today.
So what I'm not going to do isslide in my bed at night and
just think my wife's just goingto give it to me, even though
she could, even though I knowthat she would, and I know that
she would never withhold it.
I respect you, babe, so muchthat I wouldn't ever, ever dare
take it.
There's been some times I'vetried and I can tell you were in
(29:32):
a mood and I'm like nah, babe,you're good, it's okay, I'll see
.
I go to sleep night night.
God bless you.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
You did not say God bless you.
Speaker 2 (29:41):
Or there's or there's some other times.
I know you're okay with it, soI'll come home late at night
from work or somebody, or I'mtraveling and you're like just
wake me up.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
That's true, I do tell you that sometimes, Listen
I can't stay awake till you gethere, but when you're here now
while you're up, you'll wake meup.
I'm a live sleeper.
This that's not okay.
Um, sorry, that's it, just wentanother way um, we're joking
guys.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
By the way, if you guys can tell I'll never say
just joking, I never say jk, Ijust feel like that's a bad joke
.
If you guys say just jokinglike um, then you I I guess I
don't know either way, women andwives, you still have to
consent at all times.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
So, husbands, you still need consent from your
wife.
Period, point blank.
Nothing at the end of thatsentence.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
Yeah, the Bible says, like husbands, for us to love
our wives, like Christ loved thechurch, and I always have this
thought, and I've said it somany different times, that
Christ died for the church, it'sthe ultimate sacrifice.
And so, for me, christ died forthe church, it's the ultimate
sacrifice.
Yeah, and so for me, the way Isee it is, even though we're one
, my body is yours and your bodyis mine.
Like, if you're not in the mood, if you're not feeling it, I'm
(30:50):
going to just be like, okay,cool To make that sacrifice, and
I'm not going to pout, I'm notgoing to threaten you about
leaving, or like, if you don'tgive it up, someone else is
going to give it to me.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
Right.
But to be fair, on my side,there are a lot of times that I
decide I'm going to serve youbecause Christ died for the
church, but the church servesChrist.
And so there are a lot of timesI'm not in the mood, I am
really tired, I the kids tookeverything out of me, I'm
stressed out about groceries,bills, whatever I got to do.
(31:23):
But I am going to be open toyou and I am going to engage and
I am going to like lower thosewalls of what I talked about,
cause it's an emotionalconnection.
Like women, we almost have tohave that emotional connection
to be able to do it.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
Yeah, Because I mean speaking.
And even in that same context,in the Bible, you know, it said
for wives to submit yourselvesto your husband.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
So there are times where I don't feel like it or I
may not want to, but because Ilove you and because I my role
is to serve you, I'm not goingto make you not ask or I'm not
going to make you get turnedaway Like I'm going to say okay,
I actually what we say is like,well, you're just going to have
to wake me up or inspire me,I'll get it started.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
So what I do is fire me.
So what I do is I drop thetemperature in the house super
low to where it's super cold,where she needs me to snuggle.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
It was 67 degrees in this house today when we started
recording guys 67.
I told this man this is nothealthy working conditions.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
Yeah, Well, we're going to have to snuggle.
I hope you better have.
You better have some time todayafter this recording right now.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
Anyways, I love this conversation, though, because it
does make space for, and whatwe hope is that other couples
will turn this off when we'redone and say okay, what are some
of the things that you're goinginto our relationship with?
We're getting married nextmonth, what are some things
you're walking in with, what aresome boundaries that we're
going to set, what feel okay forus, and knowing also that those
(32:55):
things can change.
Sometimes there are things that, again, we thought we were fine
with allowing certain thingsinto our marriage.
Of a show, something asinnocent as a mainstream
Campbell show.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (33:09):
And then we decided wait a minute, yep, we can't
allow this into our marriageanymore.
So, knowing that those thingswill grow and evolve, oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
And always having that conversation open, oh yeah,
man, there's a lot of stuff wecut out.
I mean, we even drew hard lineswhen it came to single friends.
That was living crazy wildsexual lives Right Cause,
especially for you, like you hadsome coworkers that would come
to work the next day talkingabout all the stuff that they
did.
Right and those thoughts get inyour mind.
(33:36):
That's the type of world thatwe live in.
Right, we like we had to cutout friends.
Like that, we had to cut outshows.
Right, it has ever been.
I could probably, we canprobably, count on one hands at
(34:01):
times.
It was awkward, but I'm like,I'm grateful, man Cause God
restored us Like we enjoy if, if, if I'm, if I have to have sex
with you for the rest of my life, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.
But it wasn't always that way,because at the beginning and in
the middle we started thinkingman, what would it look like?
What if we?
What do we?
Speaker 1 (34:21):
need to add?
What do we need to?
Do this Like, almost as if itwasn't good enough, with just me
and you?
And I think it was theconnection of all those three
things that we said sex is thephysical, the emotional, the
spiritual, the spiritual.
And now that those connectionshave grown so deep in so many
(34:42):
layers including the times of uswhere we had a really hard
season, including the timeswhere we had to rebuild our
whole marriage after year 10,all of those things make it even
better Now we had.
Speaker 2 (34:53):
This is going.
This is going to rock somepeople.
We had sex during our toughesttimes in our marriage.
Speaker 1 (35:00):
You sure did, still did, yep.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
There was one time I said something way out of pocket
.
We were in one of our toughesttimes in the middle of marriage
therapy Wasn't sure if we coulddo it Like, wasn't sure we could
make it through.
We had sex that night.
It was great, we enjoyed it andI was right.
When we were just done I waslike, hey, just so you know
we're still not good oh my god,I forgot I was like just so you
(35:28):
know, we're still working somethings out I guys it.
Speaker 1 (35:33):
This is the miracle power of jesus that this man is
living here today.
I could have killed you afteryou said that.
Are you freaking, joking?
What happened is we justfinished having sex it was good
sex.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
It was like after marriage, it was after
counseling.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
It was after therapy, you're right.
Speaker 2 (35:48):
So we had sex, it was good and like, but you were
like being all mushy of like, oh, I'm so glad Like we're still
good and working, and just likewe didn't lose ourselves and I
was like, babe, we're still notin a good place.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
You just, it's literally textbook, my emotions
and your like literal Right,like brain.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
Like how men are so much more mental.
Speaker 1 (36:15):
That's why you guys are stimulated by porn.
That's why you are stimulatedby pictures is because it's a
mental thing for you guys,simulated by porn.
That's why you are simulated bypictures is because it's a
mental thing for you guys, butfor us it's an emotional thing.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
Even today, I'll say right now, even today at the gym
, seeing all these ladies aroundhere and one's working out
right there, I was like I'mgoing over there.
You better put your blinders on,I'm going over there, and it
has nothing to do with I'm weak.
It has everything to do withwhat you just said.
You're human, I'm human and Ilook at something.
If I look at it long enough,then I get attracted to it, then
(36:43):
it becomes something and it canget in me and I'm strong enough
now to say nope, nope, I seeyou, I see you, I see you.
All y'all good, looking,looking, wait, ladies, I'm good,
I'm going to go ahead and do mybench presses over there in the
corner, in the corner, or I'mout, and so I can say that right
now, because what you just said, it's a real thing.
So that night when we had sex,that night, I get it for you,
(37:04):
it's that emotional connection,which is what I need.
So it's all connected together.
For me it was the physicalconnection.
We got that.
We, hey, we got it on.
It was good and you're like alot of emotional work to do and
you was like oh, I'm so glad,like we're good, and I'm like,
babe, we're not good.
Just so you know, this sexright here was good.
(37:24):
We're good now, and by the graceof God we've been set free.
Sex is better now than it'sever been.
I keep saying that because weenjoy it.
We're going to do it today.
It's so many different things,but, man, I really just want to
encourage you guys, um, if youguys are in a season where
you're struggling in yourmarriage, when it comes to your
sex life, um, we're nottherapists, we're not experts,
(37:45):
we we're not none of that.
We're just a married couple thatloves God and that loves each
other, and we love others, andour goal is to really help other
people, and so if you feel likeyou're struggling in that
category, hit us up, send us amessage.
We may not even have the answerfor you, and if we don't have
the answer for you, we're goingto point you to someone who does
have the resources but moreimportantly, this channel is for
the purpose of seeingrestoration in relationships and
(38:09):
I believe that, and we believethat here at let's Dig, the
podcast, that life is so muchbetter when the relationships
are better Our relationship withGod, our relationship with
other people and then ourrelationship with ourselves.
Man, everything is tied to it.
Your next step is based off ofyour relationship that you have.
How life is with your coworkers, with your boss, with your
leaders, with your spouse, withyour kids, with your cousins,
(38:31):
your mommy, your daddy, yourlandscape guy I don't matter who
it is, your neighborRelationships is key to
everything in his life.
Listen, life was not meant to bedone alone, and if anyone says
I'm going to do this life all bymyself, like I'm sorry to hear
that man, you're missing out somuch on what life has to offer.
So, when it comes to marriage,when it comes to this topic
right here and, matter of fact,let me just say this right now I
(38:54):
got to say I'm sorry to Dan andLee's mom.
I forgot that she was listeningto this.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
I hope I was.
Speaker 2 (38:58):
I meant to give a disclaimer to her at the
beginning.
Speaker 1 (39:00):
I'm going to text her before this and I was going to
text your mom text your mom andbe like hey, you probably
shouldn't listen to today'srecording.
She watches every singleepisode, I know, and then every
single episode she hits you up,but I appreciate her.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
I love her support day one, but love you guys,
appreciate you guys in thisseason, if you guys are enjoying
these conversations, yo, forreal family, listen, hit us up,
send us a message.
We want to know what, what elsewe need to talk about.
There's something you want usto talk about?
Speaker 1 (39:27):
just I mean, let us know it's up.
Man we love y'all keep diggingpeace.
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