An Unexpected Birth Story

Growing up in East Palo Alto, I found myself on an unexpected journey into teenage motherhood. Amid the complex mix of youthful expectations, relationships, and music video-inspired fantasies of love, my world was rocked by an unplanned pregnancy. However, a nurse's profound words may have turned my shock into anticipation for what became a miraculous journey. 

Navigating through my own story, I explore the vast gaps in sex education for young women and the impact it had on my life. I painfully recall grueling confrontations regarding my pregnancy and how these experiences starkly contrasted with Jaylah's. The conversation steers towards the compelling need for comprehensive, honest sex education for young individuals that moves away from fear-based tactics. 

In the later part of our exchange, I candidly discuss the trials of co-parenting, the insecurities Jaylah's father may have grappled with after the arrival of his second child, and the subsequent family dynamics. This episode provides a raw insight into the neglected child syndrome, parental favoritism, and the frustrations of absentee fatherhood. I reflect on the mental impacts of teenage parenting and how it shaped my understanding of love and relationships. This conversation serves as a beacon for all teenage mothers - remember to surround yourself with love and support and allow yourself grace when faced with adversity.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello again and welcome to let's Talk Later.
You are joining us for oursecond episode.
Today we will be discussingteen pregnancy and I will be
sharing my birth story.
So, to start us off, as areminder, I am your host, capri,
and I'm Jaila, and we hope youenjoy your time with us today.

(00:26):
As we mentioned in our firstintroductory episode, we talked
a little bit about myself andbeing a teen mother at a very
young age, and so we thought wewould just spin off on that and
have a conversation, a couple ofquestions, do some Q&A and just

(00:48):
have some raw conversationaround that.
So in this day where I'mfeeling like a little wild-head
child, jaila, how are you?

Speaker 2 (01:01):
I'm going through a heartbreak right now, but I'm
good.

Speaker 1 (01:06):
A heartbreak you want to.

Speaker 2 (01:09):
Not right now.

Speaker 1 (01:11):
We're not going to tap on that.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I offered her a hug and Ioffered her some rom-com time
and meditation.
She's processing in her own way.
So, yeah, we'll touch back onthat another time maybe.
So I'm just going to jump rightin and, for anyone listening,

(01:34):
if this resonates with you or ifyou have any questions, leave
it in the comments in the reviewsection, and maybe we'll
address those questions onanother episode.
So before I start, jaila, doyou have anything you want to
share, anything you'd like tosay to the people listening?

(01:58):
No, okay, no problem, I'm goingto jump right in.
So Jaila is my first child, thefirst of my two children that I
have born in 2001.

(02:22):
So that makes you Gen Z, didn'twe look this up?

Speaker 2 (02:27):
Yeah, I'm Gen Z.

Speaker 1 (02:29):
Okay, and so at that time I was barely a freshman in
high school.
So back in my early teen yearsI shuffled around a few places.
I went from living with mygreat grandma to living with my

(02:53):
mom for a little while to livingwith my dad.
All very different environments, very different experiences.
But everything really startedat my great grandma's house in
East Palo Alto where I probablyspent the bulk of my childhood.
About a block or two over fromwhere we lived.

(03:18):
I had a couple of friends andwe would, you know, play outside
and, you know, run up and downthe street.
We would, you know, have littleparties and there were like the
old, there was an older crewlike the big sisters and stuff,
and we would want to hang withthem and they would be parked in

(03:38):
cars and it was, it was, it was.
I'm going to just say it waskind of a vibe.
I kind of missed that.
Like we just kind of hang outin the streets and you know we
still had to abide by the beingin the house before the street
lights came on.
But you know, that was cool.
We you know me, you know I'llbe honest I snuck out, you know,

(04:02):
street lights came on, I was inthe house and then everybody
went to bed.
I was back outside, but it was,it didn't start off as unsavory
intentions.
So when I was outside, jailer'sdad lived on the same street as

(04:25):
a couple of my friends.
He was a part of the older crewFour years, my difference and
you know he would be rolling upand down the street, I don't
know if even at a car.
My first memory of him issitting on a little bike.
That's not.
They're four older people butthey're not really tall for like

(04:48):
regular people, I don't know.
And he was, you know, all thegirls was like oh, that's, you
know, white boy, rich is whatthey called him.
He's, he looks so good and hethis and this and this and this
and I'm like, oh, okay, cool.
You know, because I was, I kindof had a crush on this other
guy who was my age and so Ididn't really pay him no

(05:13):
attention, but for some reason Icaught his, caught his eye, and
so he would come around and saylittle things like which I'll
do without this lady, and bringan attention to himself, Right?
So I think for a minute one ofthe girls that I hung with she

(05:36):
had a thing for him, and so Iwas like, oh, tina, is, is, is
filling you, like like what doyou think about her?
Like you know, I can get hernumber for you, whatever.
And he was like I don't wanther, I'm not looking at her.
And I was like, oh well, whatabout Keanu over here?
I'm cute.
I don't know why I did this, Ihave no idea Because I felt the

(05:59):
attention and it kind of made menervous because I was like he's
older, like no, and I was like,nah, nah, like I'm sometimes, I
see, was up with you, and I waslike, oh, okay.
No, and I would like walk awayand run.
And you know, I give my friends, we were kiki keen and he said

(06:22):
this.
And I had another friend whothis, this kind of back and
forth banter went on for likethree months, I don't know, it
was just a minute, it just youknow, I would see him, he would
see me, he would say something,I would laugh and whatever you
know, I walk away and, man,leave me alone, or boy by kind

(06:45):
of thing, right.
And I had another friend whotold me she said that I needed
to grow up.
Mind you, I was a child, I was12 years old not too long ago,
right.
She was like, oh, you need togrow up.
You know, like, just give himyour number.
And I was like, and it, it, itsat with me.

(07:07):
I was like, wait, am I beingimmature, or should I?

Speaker 2 (07:13):
Well, should I?

Speaker 1 (07:13):
give it to him, like whatever.
And so I think it was one nightthey were throwing a party in
this courtyard on the street,and he was sitting in the ice
car.
I don't know what kind of car itwas, but it was like a candy
red and and I just remember, Idon't know, the windows were

(07:36):
tinted.
It was just shiny Like.
It was like freshly waxed, likeit was just like.
You know, you have thesemoments in your memory and it's
like these images, and I havethis image of him sitting in
this red car and it had likethis, like almost a butter,
colored, butterscotch, I guesscolored interior and then it
just, I don't know, it just allworked.

(07:58):
And I was like, wait, maybe heis fine, hold on.
I was kind of looking at a carand he told me to come over,
like he was like, oh, come here,or maybe somebody even said
he's asking for you, orsomething like that.
And that night he had the rightjokes, the right relatability

(08:20):
and whatever else was mixed inthat and I was like, all right,
here's my number.
Like, take my number, that'scool, whatever.
And from there I mean we talkedon the phone, we would, were we
texting back there?
Oh God, I feel like I'm notthat old, but then when I think

(08:42):
about stuff like this I'll belike dang, are we old now?
Because you know, we were bornin the 1900s, so that's a big
deal.
But we would talk on the phoneor whatever.
And he was kind of talking toother females too, because I
guess I wasn't getting seriousfast enough that's at least my
perception of it and so thatkind of made me it was that

(09:07):
formal thing, it was like am Imissing out?
And I got kind of jealous,right.
I was like, are you talking toher?
Like you know, because we wouldhave conversations and I kind
of would tell him, like about mylife, right, because you know,
I mentioned, I think, in the inour intro podcast that you know,
I do suffer from neglect andabandonment and as a child,

(09:31):
especially in that very hormonalteen age, you're looking to
feel what you are, feel thatyou're missing, right.
And so I was looking forsomeone to love me, right.
And he was talking about hischildhood and how he grew up
without, you know, his dad beingaround, and again relatable,

(09:55):
and I was like, oh man, likewouldn't it be so nice to be
loved?
Wouldn't it be so nice forsomeone to care about me and
treat me nice and like we see onthese music videos.
You know, I think one of thepopular music videos back then,
I think, was Nelly and KellyRowland Dilemma, and I remember

(10:17):
that video and it was like loveand they were in the streets and
he was like holding her allnicely and just all of that like
played, played into kind of myfeelings of self worth almost,
and so he had told me that youknow, I want to be your

(10:38):
boyfriend but you like you'renot taking me seriously or
you're not being serious enough.
And my memory and you know,kind of in I felt at that time
that meant I had to make itofficial, I had to show in

(11:01):
physical form that I was seriousand that I was old enough.
And you know that eventuallyled to me feeling like, okay, I
have to, and not even I have to,but I should like we should

(11:23):
have sex so that this can beserious and then I can show that
I am deserving and that thedata and so not to say I didn't
like them, I liked them verymuch.
I felt like he liked me, butthen, you know, who knows, at

(11:43):
the end of the day, but aftersome time I don't know I can't
my memory fails me as far as howmuch time passed by but I had
moved away and I had moved outto Vallejo with my mom and then

(12:05):
that lasted for a couple yearsand this was like right before
eighth grade.
And then I had moved back andwhen I moved back to East follow
so I was living with my dad andso I was back in the area and

(12:26):
you know he noticed, or got word, because I was even I was
living with my dad, I was stillgoing around to the neighborhood
because my friends were stillthere, and he was like oh, you
back in town and I've missed you, and you know we should hang
out, you should come by, youknow stuff like that.
And you know he still had that,you know that affect on me.

(12:50):
So and I still very much likedand maybe even thought that I
loved him you know that puppylove stage, and so it didn't
even take much time, like I waslike, yeah, let's hang out, you
know, you know you're stillinterested, right, so that means
that it's okay.
And so we started back hangingout and and I wound up pregnant

(13:21):
and for the longest time andwhen I say the longest time I
mean about seven, eight months Ididn't know.
I didn't know that I waspregnant.
I was still having my regularcycle, I was still doing PE and
everything that I was doing inmy normal life and, like I saw,

(13:42):
I wasn't gaining weight.
I didn't have a stomach.
I had always who are thesestomach?
I always had a flat stomachback then and so I didn't know,
I couldn't tell.
And then maybe there was alittle bit of denial, honestly,
at the end at least, because Idid start to feel movement or or

(14:09):
some what I thought was maybecramping right in my stomach.
So I think at that time I hadsaid, you know, okay, I need to
go to the doctor.
And so I called a close familymember and they took me over to
Planned Parenthood and we atPlanned Parenthood they did the

(14:36):
pregnancy test, of course, andall of that, and it was, I was
pregnant and she was like youknow, she did the timing and she
said that I think you you'relike eight months or eight
months in a week, or somethinglike that.
And I was just in shock, I wentnumb and I was just like, okay,

(14:58):
and the nurse at the time.
She said to me she's, you know,like, don't, like you never
know like this child might besomething miraculous and
spectacular.
Because I told her I was like Ihad a cycle.
I didn't feel anything like howis this even possible?
And she's like, well, it's verypossible.
What happens to a lot of women,especially young women, because

(15:22):
your body doesn't change quicklythe way it does when you're
older.
Because with my second child Iknew very early on that I was
pregnant.
It was almost right away that Icould tell.
So I went home and I just wenton autopilot because I didn't.

(15:43):
I didn't know, like, like, whatdo you say?
Like, how do you say that atthat age, you know, 14 years old
, hey, everybody, I'm pregnant.
Guess what, especially ifyou're not in a great place?
Right, my mom was incarcerated.
My dad and I had a very, very,very strange relationship and I

(16:06):
wasn't really close to anyoneelse except my aunt At that time
, and so my, my cycle hadofficially stopped.
My stepmother Recognize thatand asked me I said yeah, I am.

(16:28):
She asked me was I pregnant?
And I said yes, I am.
And she said well, you know,we're going to have to tell your
dad is like, well, yeah.
So he came home that day he hadthis old school mustard colored
truck that would rumble andgrumble every time it came up
the street.

(16:48):
You knew he was coming from anydirection at any time today.
And you know, my stomach dropheart's beating because it's
like, yeah, we don't have totell him.
And I you know, I was, I was, Iwas afraid of him.
You know, I was afraid of hisreaction.
I was afraid of him as a personDid not have the best
communication skills and so whenhe came in, we're both standing

(17:16):
there and he automaticallyknows like something's going on.
He looks at me and he looks ather and he's like what?
And she says you know she'spregnant.
And like this wave of, I feellike at least three different
emotions look like it crossedover him and he said I knew it.

(17:37):
And he likes storms off to theback and don't say nothing else
after that.
And I think I just went down.
We had like a den, like adownstairs den, I think I had
just I just went downstairs andsat on the couch.
I was gonna start cryingBecause I still don't know
what's about to happen to me.
No one Told me what was aboutto happen to me.

(18:00):
You know, I had people peoplebeing family coming around and
everybody had an opinion abouthow dare I and I should know
better.
And you know, even go went sofar as to say that you know they
should, you know, take meoutside, we should scrap, kind

(18:23):
of thing, like like I had somecrazy stuff said to me and I get
it, especially now that I'm amother.
It's terrifying, like hearingyour child, the thought of
hearing your child say somethinglike that.
But I don't think my responsewould have been any of the

(18:44):
responses that were shared withme give the give up for adoption
, you know, stuff like that.
And so I'm just dealing withall of this input, like all of
this and, and you know, come tothink of Neurologically, they
say what the mother feelspresents itself and presents
itself in the child.

(19:04):
So just imagining what she'sfeeling Inside me while I'm
feeling and receiving all ofthis stuff.
You know that's crazy to thinkof right now, but it is a factor
and so, you know, whileeverybody was telling me that I

(19:25):
should know better, it's likeshould I have, like who Taught
me about this, you know?
Or who loved me enough so thatI would not go seeking out, out
this false love, right?
That's how I look at it.

(19:46):
And so when you tell I and Iand not everybody I had another
aunt, who's you know, who justplainly said I wish you would
have told me, I wish that, youknow, you would have confided in
me, I would have helped you,and I appreciate it.
Not having to hear Anythingmore than that, you know I just
I just shrugged and I was like,yeah, you know, I don't know

(20:09):
what to say, I don't know totell you, and so this kind of
makes me think.
Think about like sex education,right, cuz it's like you know.
Some people will say didn't youknow?
Because they teach sex ed inmiddle school?
And no, because?
Well, for me I walked outbecause it was uncomfortable.

(20:32):
They had a movie about it,presented in a classroom with a
teacher who was Unrelatable anda lot of kids who were like
making jokes and being immatureabout it, and it just made me
very uncomfortable and I leftand it wasn't like it was a

(20:54):
Semester of material, it was onevideo for one hour and then
you're supposed to have like aconversation after it.
I For one, and Jela, I don'tknow what you think about this,
but I for one I don't feel likethat's enough For to really
prepare a child.
And I saying that is all in theschool because the home should

(21:14):
be doing it as well, but that'sjust.
I just don't feel like that'senough to prepare a child for
everything that sex and intimacyis, and pregnancy and and just
everything that comes with it.
And In in the home it wasn'ttalked about at all, it was

(21:36):
Don't even like don't ask aboutthis, don't, don't say nothing
about it, like don't, just justdon't.
So it was like Again, where wasI supposed to get the education
that I should have known betterabout?
So maybe I'll pause right there.
Jela, just to ask you like yoursexual education, you know,

(21:59):
kind of experience and wherethat started for you versus you
know, school versus Indieenvironment, right?

Speaker 2 (22:11):
I think it started in fifth grade and they like
separated us into two differentRooms, like females over here,
boys over here, and we justwatch videos, and we talked
about it, um, but yeah, itwasn't anything like I don't
know.
I guess it wasn't as likeembarrassing or unheard of.

(22:33):
I mean, I'm sitting herethinking and I don't actually
think we talked about.
I don't remember me and youhaving a conversation about Sex
or like what that entailed,until, like maybe high school.
Um, when I had my firstboyfriend, we kind of like, oh,

(22:55):
jela, like are you doing this?
And it was just kind of like no, like this is awkward, like um,
but yeah, I just remember it infifth grade and they had like
showed us like a condom andstuff like that.
And, um, yeah, it was just kindof like this is what it is.
And then we had it again inMiddle school and that's when I

(23:19):
remember that was the first timeI ever seen a woman give birth
and like how her like vaginalike Allow the baby to come out,
um, and I think from there Iwas like yeah, this is never
happening, I don't want to dothis.
And I think that's kind of wherethe new quote-unquote like Sex

(23:42):
ed came from was that fear-basedsex education where it's like
if you have sex, this is what'sgonna happen to you.
You're gonna get pregnant,you're gonna experience all this
pain like and it looks soUncomfortable.
And I think in my young mind Iwas just like bro, I can never
do that, like I'm good, I don'twant to do anything that's gonna
make me have to go through whatshe went through.

(24:05):
So I Think that was just kindof like the gist of my sex ed,
because I don't even rememberthem talking about it in high
school.
I just kind of remember likethey had a box of like condoms
in the nursing like station andI was kind of just like, well

(24:25):
Hope, nobody's having babies.

Speaker 1 (24:28):
That's crazy.
We definitely did not have abox of condoms, uh, anywhere.
I don't even think because,because I feel like you're if
you're giving away condoms,especially back in the early 90s
, I guess for me it would havebeen your condoning sex, like
okay, you can go have it, justdo it safely.
And I think that was a messagefor y'all.

(24:49):
It's like y'all gonna have it,just be safe.
So yeah, I mean, I don'tremember having the conversation
either.
I think I'm just thinking back.
I Was probably extremelyuncomfortable Because I felt
like, again, it wasn't talkedabout in my homes and if you

(25:12):
talk about it, you're sayingit's okay and I didn't want to
share that message with you,that, no, it's not okay.
Right now I'm like don't do it,um, and so that's kind of a
shoulda, coulda, woulda.
But you know, um, you do whatyou can with what you have, um,
and so, thankfully, jail is nota parent at this age of 22.

(25:37):
So I succeeded somewhere.
It's this the success is hers.
Let me not say I succeeded.
The success is hers because itwas her choice and her body
right.
So, um, so back into, let mepop back into the story.
Um, so the next month, I guess,was Just empty.

(26:01):
I I don't remember Much at all.
I don't remember how I felt.
I don't remember what I did,who, what, where, why went, how,
none of it, I really don't.
Um, I think I blanked it allout Because there was just so
much.
Um, I won't say all of it.
Most of it I did live.

(26:21):
Uh, I, to give my dad a breakTo deal or process or come to
terms, whatever you want to callit.
I wouldn't live with an aunt.
Um, that was Another traumaticsituation.
It was not great.
Um, I guess I'm thankful forthe roof, but it wasn't great.

(26:43):
Um, and so my dad had came back,like slowly started coming
around, and you know, he was oneof the.
He was one of those dudes thatdidn't apologize, he was just
like offer you food or something.
So he was like a you want somethree brothers and I love tacos,
like jayla loved tacos.
When I say jayla love tacos isbecause I didn't like tacos that

(27:03):
much until I was pregnant withher.
Like I wanted four steak tacoswith sour cream, mild sauce and
onions and cilantro, like everylike, every day, like that's all
I wanted was tacos.
And so he would call me on hisway from work.
Oh, I'm gonna try you on tacos.
And I'd be like, yeah, and soslowly, you know, he would come

(27:23):
bring me tacos and we would talkfor a little bit and he would
leave and then, um, I think itwas him that said you know what?
You need to just come back home.
We don't figure this out, orsomething like that.
Um, and it was some mix of youneed to leave and you can come
back home, actually, so, look,excuse me.

(27:48):
So I went back home and the thenight that I went into labor, it
wasn't even painful, it was.
It was very late at night, ormaybe even in the morning.
Actually, I think it was in themorning hours, but you know
it's still dark outside.
So I think my memory mustperceive it as night, because

(28:10):
she was born at 7 am or after 716.
So it was just like a cramp andthen I like slid out of the bed
and I was crawling on the floor.
I crawled out the room and intothe hallway and I was like, hey
, something's happening.
And then my dad and my stepmomcome out the room and Like

(28:34):
what's going on?
And I was like I don't knowsomething's happening, I just go
to the hospital and so my step,my dad, stayed home because my
younger brother and sister wereliving there too, and she
brought my stepmom, brought meto the hospital, and my aunt
came as well, on my dad's sideand I.

(28:56):
They were just like, oh you're,you're way Dialated, like
you're ready to go.
And so apparently I had been inlabor since 5 am and Then I
pushed for about 20 minutes andno effort, girl, no, nothing.
I think they gave me like an IVof something that made me
sleepy and I didn't understandthat, like why would you want me
Go to sleep?

(29:17):
I gotta push a kid out.
And she came out and she wasjust as is, just, creamy white
and she had no hair.
And and I was just looking atit I'm sorry, not it, I was
looking at her at the timethat's how I felt.
I was like look at this thing,oh my gosh, it's just came out
of me and it's all gross.

(29:38):
They cleaned her off and theygave her to me and I remember
hearing you did good, you didgood.
I think.
I don't know if he was my honor, my stepmom, somebody said that
to me, but I was just stucklike looking at her, like whoa,
like this is, this is a child,and I had it and it.

(29:59):
I was like and I've neverthinking, man hurt, did you
watch all these shows rightwhere they'd be screaming and
crying?
And I didn't do none of that.
But then again, I was veryyoung and still very active.
So I'm sure that contributed tomy labor.
But let's see, I think I was inthe hospital just for a couple

(30:22):
days.
My dad came, saw her and Herdad came, slid on well, you
didn't slide and the nurses andthings brought him to the back.
But you know, due to the ageand all of the complications

(30:42):
around, that they were told tonot let him in.
The nurses and staff I guessmaybe the shift they did a shift
change and forgot, I don't know, but he was there, he cried and
you know, he turned all red andstuff and was like you know,
she's so beautiful, my god, anddid you name her Simone?
I did not.

(31:03):
I think that's what he hadasked.
Yeah, he had asked me to nameher Simone.
Aliyah Acosta was apresbyterian name and, yeah, I
don't know.
I don't know, but that was whathappened in the hospital.

(31:23):
And then I went home I think Iwent back to my aunts again and
and um stay there for a littlewhile while she helped me with
her, you know, having a new babyand everything, and One of my
current one of my current good,good friends.
She and I met like once.

(31:47):
Once I had my daughter and shecame by with her mom.
We had never met before, buther mom and my family apparently
were very good friends for along time, and so she asked if
she could hold her and you know,I thought that was probably
outside of my, like, immediatefamily.

(32:08):
That was probably the firstperson that I had let Hold Jaila
, because I was very protectiveof her.
I wanted to keep her close.
I didn't want, I didn't want toleave her alone for too long.
I didn't want to buy, you know,with her and without me, you
know, because all of that that Ifelt as a child kind of like

(32:29):
poured out and it was like ICan't let this child experience
what I experienced, like I can'tlet nobody hurt her.
But I allowed my friend to holdher.
I was like you know, I mean atthe time she again she wasn't my
friend, I just met her, but shehad a warmth, comfort almost,

(32:51):
and I handed her over and I hadbecause I was like holding.
I mean, when I tell you, Ididn't want to put this kid down
, I did not want to put her down, I was holding.
You know, I had to go to thebathroom and I was just holding
it.
I was like, nope, I'm gonnajust sit right here, rock.
And so that was a moment.
And 22 lit years later we arestill friends and she's a very,
very good friend of mine, hasbeen through a lot with me.

(33:15):
She would catch two buses and atrain with me when I had to go
pick her up after school when wewere in high school together,
and that that was an experienceas well.
I mean that relative to thattoo, of course, I was pregnant,
right, big and pregnant.

(33:36):
In high school I had to go tolike a continuation school,
right, and it was me and likesix other moms, some working on
a second and third child.
We were all teenagers, you know.
So it was very real and Iremember that I was so tired
because you know, she was a baby.

(33:57):
She was waking up, going tosleep, waking up.
We were off all hours at anight and you know I had to get
up and still be a student, right.
And so she was in like thislittle nursery they had off to
the side and she was like theyhad off to the side and I put my
head down.
I was like I'm just close myeyes for like five minutes, I'm
just so tired.
And Then I heard a cry andshe's in there, right with six,

(34:20):
seven other babies, right.
And I heard a cry and I jumpedup and you know some of the
girls.
I looked at me and I was likethat's my daughter and I ran in
there into the room and andshe'd only went up mad about
something.
She's probably hungry, like she.
She'd be mad now.

(34:41):
She's she hungry.
She got upset.
I mean, too, I understand shegot it honest and so I picked
her up and you know that, again,it was like I got you no
worries.
Okay, it's okay.
You know so that it was verymuch, a lot of a lot of the way
that I parented from that momentforward was fear-based, afraid

(35:01):
that she would become me, afraidthat somebody would harm her,
afraid that Everything,everything, afraid that I would
mess up, that I would say thewrong thing, that I would do the
wrong thing.
And I look back on that now andit's just tough.

(35:23):
It's just it's too bad that ithad to be that way.
But you know, no, pressurecreates diamonds, as they say,
and the diamond is her birth.
No, actually, though, who knowsright?
So that I mean, it's prettymuch the story that Was was, you

(35:44):
know my birth, you know storyof, you know, jail is my first
child, um, so do you have Jaylen, any questions?
I know you knew a lot of thatalready, but, um, do you have
any questions or thoughts?

Speaker 2 (36:01):
um, well, because I know so much stuff.
Um, thank maybe for, like the,the listeners kind of touching
on More around my dad.
I think he's a really he's acrappy person now, but but I
think he's a very interestingcharacter in our story, um, kind

(36:25):
of just how like, who was he atthat time?
Um, what was his what?
What did he do?
Um you, I mean, you kind oftouched on how he was very
attractive and everyone likedhim and thought he looked good.
But maybe more on you know whowas white boy, rich, and he's

(36:49):
Palo Alto.

Speaker 1 (36:54):
Mmm, you know, to be honest, I feel like the one I
knew versus the one everybodyelse knew.
We're two different people.
I feel like he was out In thestreets trying to make a name

(37:15):
for himself, um, and I onlyfigured that because every time
I would say his name I would getthe uh, oh, okay, you know you,
you get ten of responses frompeople about Um, about or not,
about, not about them.
But when you mention someone'sname and you kind of see a
person's reaction, right, um, Iremember he got into some some

(37:40):
kind of fight, um, and I neverremember what it was over, but
apparently it was a big deal, um, and I had saw him that night
and like um, I I remember likegetting a washcloth and like
cleaning like the blood off ofhis head.
It was like my, my nurturing,right, I was like let me care

(38:04):
for you and Kind of thing.
It's just, it's just crazy.
But um, he was definitely knownand you say his name, people
knew exactly who you weretalking about, um, and I think
you know he was proud of thatand he, he wanted that attention
because I, again, I think healso dealt with some Not some a

(38:27):
good amount of neglect,abandonment and betrayal.
Um, I'll say that, um, I knowthat his family you know they
were were, I don't know Um,heavy in East Palo Alto too.
Um, just as far as like likemotorcycle clubs and stuff, um,

(38:50):
but honestly I don't know who hewas, these Palo Alto.
I just know that he was anaverage type person to me, like
he didn't seem that he, you know, tried to be anything around me

(39:10):
more than what I saw, which wasjust a regular guy.
But you could also see, eventhough he was older than me, you
could see the immaturity, justthinking back on the kind of
remarks he would make.
It was very boyish, like whywould you say something like
that?
Like you know, that's, it'sjust kind of crazy to me.

(39:30):
It was like, you know, seeingthe guys my age and being around
them you know the 12, 13, 14year olds, and then this you
know 17 year old or whatever,it's like you sound like them.
So it was a mix of things, so Idon't know.

Speaker 2 (39:48):
Okay, yeah, I think it's important because, like as
a Jaila now not knowing you knowI mean, obviously that's
something else that we couldprobably touch on is how much he
was around or anything.
That is, I feel like a veryimportant part of the story of

(40:13):
you know kind of, who we bothare, why you are, so you know
independent and you feel likeyou know you do a lot of things
by yourself.
You basically practicallyraised me by myself with the
help of Auntie, but yeah, justkind of touching on the
situation as to why you guyssort of kind of didn't work out,

(40:35):
I think it's actually prettyentertaining too.

Speaker 1 (40:39):
Entertaining.
So we did try.
So after she was born let mesee, after you were born what
happened.
We tried, we tried to get backtogether and make it work.

(40:59):
It wasn't really nothing evento make work, it was kind of
just.
It was see if it worked,because it's not even like we
had problems or anything, it wasjust.
I mean, we were just, you know,kind of kids dating, I don't
know so in the first two yearsof your life he was very present

(41:20):
, almost too present.
It was annoying because he wouldlike, because obviously we
didn't live together.
I was a child and I still livedwith my dad and my stepmom at
the time and I would be like youknow where's my daughter?
He'd be like we over here, man,we chill out, like don't worry
about it, I'm gonna tell her,I'm gonna bring her on Friday.

(41:40):
I told her, I'm gonna bring heron Friday.
And his mom, jaila'sgrandmother, was also an
extremely huge part of a hugesupport in raising her.
From the moment she saw herlike that was it, that was her
baby, and so she and her fatherwould have her and they would,

(42:05):
you know, have her at the houseand be taking her about and all
of these things and you knowI'll be like and you know, like
maybe let me come get my childLike over there doing again that
protector, right, this is herfather, this is her family, and
I shouldn't have felt like that.
But it was very much like why doyou wanna keep her so long?
And so we had tried.

(42:28):
We continued dating and talkingand, you know, and it was under
wraps because everything hadwent down, you know, the
authorities were involved and hegot sent to jail because I was
underage and all of this stuff.

(42:48):
And so we didn't tell anyone,like we were still trying to
work it out.
I was like when I turn 18, wejust go on, like we just gonna
run off and we just gonna betogether or whatever.
And so, and that's when like Ifelt what like love was, because
actually I was getting to knowhim now, like I was like, okay,

(43:11):
this is who you are, I'mactually focusing on you instead
of trying to feel avoid, right,and he kind of let me in a
little bit, you know into hislife and you know into who he
truly was as a person.
And I really cared about him atthe time.

(43:32):
And my father found out somehowI don't even remember how and he
said he said no, he said Iy'all not gonna see each other,
no more.
Like that's it.
Like he got mad and went offabout.
You know, I don't remember whathe said, I just remember the

(43:53):
anger and the face.
I don't even remember the words, I just remember looking at him
in, like his face and his mouthwas moving.
All I remember is no, likey'all can't be together.
And I was so hurt because itwas like like I felt I'm
underage so I have to listen.
And also, you know, like whywould you?

(44:15):
Like it's already happened, Ihave a kid.
Like it's not, there's no morethat can happen.
I mean, I have another kid, butlike why wouldn't you let us be
a family?
Like why wouldn't you let thischild have a complete home right
?
And so he had given me likethis promise ring or something.

(44:38):
And he being her father, and hecame by and my dad made me tell
him I don't wanna be with youand give him the ring back.
And his face.
I can still remember it.
It's another image from memory.

(45:01):
It was crushed.
I was crushed.
I was crying while I wastelling him.
I don't remember where Jailawas.
Maybe she was in the back withmy sister.
I can't even remember, butthat's why we didn't.
That's I mean, we didn't workout.
I think a year after that, ayear or two or so, somewhere

(45:25):
around one or two years, hemoved on.
I moved on and he had anotherkid.
The rest is that his history,lots of kids down the line, and
so, yeah, that's kind of the why.
But after those that first two,three years, his involvement

(45:51):
faded.
It was very spiteful, it wasvery angry, it was very, it was
just very different and I feltto blame.
I was like I'm the reason whyhe's not being a father, I'm the
reason why he's not aroundanymore.
Because I shouldn't have saidanything or I shouldn't have

(46:16):
listened to my dad, I shouldhave just snuck around or
whatever.
Because that's the way the restof our mine and Jaila's lives
went.
He would come in, he would comeout, he would be around for
birthdays, maybe Christmas, andwhen I say be around, I mean
drop off money or gifts, andthen we wouldn't see him again

(46:39):
for a long, long time.
And that forces you to beindependent into.
I have to make this work bymyself.
I realized I have to do this bymyself, especially once I
finally did turn 18.
I was like I gotta figure itout.
I have to get a job, finishcollege, like who can do that

(47:01):
right now?
I have to do what I need to do,and so all of that stuff that
happened from 13, 12, 13 forwardit just I don't.
It never processed until much,much later in life.
It was just all autopilot.
It was just like do, just do,just keep moving, just keep

(47:23):
moving, keep going.
Just make sure that y'all havea roof over your head, just make
sure y'all have food, make sureyou have just what you need.
And that was how I lived forprobably the next 12 years of my
life.
So yeah, I don't.

Speaker 2 (47:52):
I'm not quite sure if this is something we touch on,
just because I feel like I kindof I don't, I don't know.
This episode, I feel like, iskind of like the beginning of
our lives for real.
So I kind of just want to get alot of stuff like just create a
foundation for people that arelistening to kind of understand
where me and you are coming fromin future, like the way we

(48:17):
think and why we operate the waywe operate.
Yeah, I mean kind of justtouching on the whole like lack
of a father situation.
I kind of just want to kind ofsort of touch on some of the you

(48:39):
know with the second baby momand the insecurities he faced
and you know just kind of likehow he operated after you guys,
just a little bit more just toreally show his character, like
who we're dealing with and whois going to be a very key person
, especially in my life, as towhy I am the way I am.

(49:05):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (49:08):
Sue, sure you know I'm a bit of a person, you know
I'm a bit hesitant, but I knowthat this and I want to be
transparent about my hesitant,because I know that this is why
conversations don't happen,because it feels uncomfortable,

(49:28):
and so you don't do it becauseit feels uncomfortable, but that
is a very important part of theprocessing and the healing.
So, as my stomach cramps and mypalm sweat, I'm going to answer
your question or address whatyou just brought up right now.
So, as I said, I guess aroundthree years old you were three,

(49:57):
right he had another child andso he had started dating this
girl that I knew of, but I mean,I didn't know her on any
impactful level, I just knew whoshe was, and so I was still in
high school, probably juniorsenior year by this point, and

(50:21):
so of course you know the townas they called, maybe still call
it, I'm not even sure knew thatI had.
You know he and I had a childtogether, and so this girl knew
because she was also from thetown.
So in her own maybeinsecurities, she would.

(50:47):
I don't know how people getyour phone number, maybe it was
out of his phone.
I always wondered that, likewhen girls get to play on your
phone, I have to get my number.
But she would start calling meand like making threats and you
know I'm pregnant by him andthat ain't his child and stuff
like that.

(51:07):
And you know I laughed at itand me and my friends we laughed
at it and you know she wouldmake threats, she gonna come up
to the school and we gonna fightwith all this stuff.
And so I think I was still kindof like getting over him, like

(51:29):
moving on, because I don't thinkI had moved on on, you know,
because, like I'm in high schooland the boys that I went to
high school with, right, theywere like you got a whole child,
like well, like oh no, like Idon't know, maybe they were
scared of me, I don't know, mygosh, but he had came and picked

(51:53):
Jayla up one day and she was inthe car and I got like
immediately I just saw her.
I got really frustrated and Iwas like you know, how dare you
come to my house and bring thisfemale and you know, knowing she
like starting all of this stuffand you know being, you know,
dramatic and making all theseclaims talking about you know

(52:15):
that's not your child and all ofthis stuff.
So I got really upset and therewas this you know kind of big
argument or whatever and thatkind of went on.
It was like every time I sawher or she's or heard about her,
it was like always some kind ofdrama and he just never
addressed it, like he never evenacknowledged it honestly.

(52:39):
And so that frustrated me evenfurther because it's like it's
bringing more drama to my lifeand it's already hard because
you know he at this point, likeright when she did get pregnant,
is when he started pulling awayand being more absent.
And so once she had the child Idon't know if I knew or not,

(53:07):
I'm sure some, maybe somebody,told me, but you know the way
information flows around socialmedia, right, even then, way
less than it does now, but eventhen you know he was very
involved.
Once again there were picturesall over of him, you know,

(53:28):
taking her to all of theseplaces and you know spending all
this money was just you couldtell it was very, very much
about the image, like there wasjust so there was like stacks of
money and jewelry and puttingthem on her and putting her on a
car and all of these things andit was just frustrating me.
Even I don't feel it as much,not even nearly as much as I

(53:53):
used to, and that's what healingdoes, but in the very pit, pit,
pit of my stomach it stillssome frustration.
It was like why, what aboutJaila?
Like, excuse me, what aboutJaila?
Like, why did we forget abouther all of a sudden, now that we
have this new child?
Is it just a replacement now?

(54:13):
Like, oh, like nothing elsematters.
And you know I would talk tohim like hey, you know, I mean I
put him on child support.
So I was like he wasn't helpingat all anymore.
And I'm still in high school,right, and I got this little
Starbucks job, right, and I'mdoing the best that I can and

(54:34):
still living with, you know, myfamily.
But I was, I had to pay, I hadto contribute to that household,
I had to like I don't know if Iwas just contributing to
groceries or paying the bill,but I was contributing
financially and still going toschool and working and trying to
be a mom.
And so it just reallyfrustrated me because it was
like all like this was beingflaunted in front of my face,

(54:56):
like look at me and what I'mdoing, I'm making all of this
money.
I got a new child, I have a newfamily or whatever, and y'all
good, y'all figure it out right.
And then it happened again.
He had a third child, so himand this other girl.
As I told her, I said he did itto me, he'll do it to you.
You know, it happened again.

(55:19):
He had another child, anothergirl, and it was now.
But at least even in thatsituation, and this, you know,
this is all about kind of thechoices that he decided to make,
right, because these women Idon't know what they were being

(55:43):
told, I don't know what wasbeing shared with them, because
a lot of times and it is factthat another person, be it man
or woman, will start to make upstories about what their baby
mom or baby daddy is doing.
He or she won't let me see her,or I can't do this because of

(56:05):
court order, like who knows,like I don't know.
But the point is that theseother children came, I think all
y'all, three years apart.
The first four, yeah, the firstfour, three years apart each
one.
You know, another three yearsgo by.
He has another one.
But the difference is these thesecond and third, girls are

(56:30):
together, they spend timetogether, they're getting picked
up and they're being taken toplaces together Again.
What happened here?
Like, what about Jaila?
Like why did we get dismissedand kind of like, you know,
thrown to the wayside over here?
And I don't know if it was thejail piece or the my dad piece,

(56:57):
I don't know.
I don't know if I will everknow.
I've asked him several times.
I mean, I haven't seen him inyears at this point, but when we
did cross paths I asked himlike what was different?
Like why are you not, you know,given the same attention and
love and at leastacknowledgement to my daughter

(57:20):
as you are with your otherchildren?
And I got a couple of responses.
One was you like, I know yougot it.
Like you take care of businessand you hold stuff down, so I
know you got it.
That was one response.
Another response was I'm doingthe best I can.

(57:45):
That was another one.
I had even asked him once.
I said I don't get you noproblems, I don't create no
drama.
I barely even asked you foranything.
All I'm asking for is for youto be a father.
And it was like, and Iappreciate that, like, like I

(58:09):
know, you don't give me no drama, so it's you know.
So I don't.
I never really got an a straightanswer and I don't even know if
it was maybe because he didn'tknow why.
You know, um, I Would, and Iwould love to know, even to stay
.
I would love to have some kindof a Explanation of what

(58:30):
happened.
Not that it will changeanything, at least on my end,
but at least you just kind ofjust, you know, get some insight
into, like men who choose notto be Parents to certain
children, or women who choosenot to be parents to certain
children, like why is that?
You know?

(58:51):
I'm saying so that that thatwas you know.
Yeah, that's, that's that part.
So do you have any otherquestions or thoughts?
Jela, nothing, no, not really.

(59:13):
Okay, how does this?
What's?
What do you feel in your bodyright now?

Speaker 2 (59:22):
I Genuinely don't know like.
It's kind of like, you know,when you know something and and
you're kind of like you knowwhat, i'ma let it go.
But then you hear it againbecause it I think Think I've
said this before that whenthings happen to me, it's easier

(59:42):
for me to be like you know whatlet me get over this.
But when it happens to people Ilove, it's harder for me to be
like, yeah, i'ma just let thisgo, like to be present and
witness your mom struggle andtry to like do the best she can
and your dad's drivingLamborghinis and and they're

(01:00:05):
they're wearing designer clothesand they're doing this and that
, and you're kind of like the,the I'm like Cinderella or
something.
They gonna put me up in theattic and give me the hammy
downs, like that's just what Igot and and it's just like dang,
like this, this isn't.
I didn't ask to be here.

(01:00:26):
I didn't ask you to To provideme with MCM backpacks and and
all this stuff and buy me thelatest shoes and and just drop
money off at the door.
You know, like I actuallydidn't know I had younger
siblings until I was 1011.
I thought that I was the onlychild and that, you know, my dad

(01:00:46):
was just a deadbeat.
But then when I think grandma,I think they found out about me,
because I think even the babymoms didn't know that I existed
until.
One of them did well, yeah, oneof them did, but the other ones
didn't know about me Until Ithink he was going to jail or
something like that he had to goto I don't know.
They found out about me atcourt.

(01:01:08):
My grandma was like, yeah,there's Jaila, she's the oldest,
and we kind of just all cametogether at that point and I
think that was probably one ofthe most difficult times of my
life where it's like I Don'tknow this man that you guys are
so happy to like talk about andyou love him so much.

(01:01:29):
I don't, I don't know him, youknow, and they would, and
they're little kids, so I can'tblame them for being happy about
Having a dad.
Like that's just something Ididn't know about.
But it hurt like to hear themsay like, oh, do you remember
that time dad did this and daddid that.
And I'm like To me, honest, Idon't know who y'all talking

(01:01:49):
about, like sure, that's, that'sour dad.
And I think when I was younger Idefinitely held a lot of
resentment towards everyone,especially like you know.
It's like that Well, god, what,if you know?
I think that's kind of where Ialso took that out on you, cuz
I'm like why don't I have likethis, like why don't I have

(01:02:10):
anyone, why don't I have a dad?
Like this kind of sucks and youtry to keep it as honest but as
as as respectful for him kindof you didn't want to like tell
me everything, obviously, cuz Iwas still a child.
But when you have and I can saythis when you have your mom

(01:02:31):
saying like, oh well, you know,your dad was young, this that in
the third, and then you haveyour grandma, who is this is her
son and she's trying to makehim, oh well, your dad is just
so busy and and your dad it hasa hard time, and you just hear
like Like I'm seeing what I'mgoing through, and then you're
telling me that he's having ahard time and it's like, well,
what about me?
Like I'm having a hard time too.

(01:02:52):
There's no one to go andacknowledge the elephant in the
room that this man wasn't in mylife for years and now he's out
of prison and he's just supposedto like be my dad.
Like I don't know who he is.
I hear him being a dad to myyounger siblings.
Cool and great for them, but Idon't know, this man Like how,
how would I know?

(01:03:13):
I've seen pictures of him.
Sure, congratulations, like,but Otherwise I don't know him.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:03:23):
I mean, how can you, how can you know him?
And if you, you weren't Giventhe opportunity to know him and,
like you said, by the time he,like I guess more so started
coming around, like after he gotout, it's like, what do you

(01:03:44):
want me to do now?
Like, oh, what am I supposed todo?
Like, am I supposed to be happyto See you?
And then what are we gonna do?
I mean, like that's, that'shard, and I remember it was in
in you all.
Yet, like, like Jaila said, youknow, they all, all the sisters
at the time, was it the brotherhere?

(01:04:06):
Yet I don't know, okay, therewas the brother.
Her brother was, was born bythis time.
They all finally got to comearound each other Because of her
grandmother, because they wouldall come to grandma's house and
I Didn't know about them.

(01:04:27):
I don't even remember.
I think I started hearing abouther little sister, like later
on down the line.
I don't know, it was late.
I definitely, definitely didn'tknow at the time she was born.
I honestly thought her mom waslying when she was saying she
was pregnant.
So I don't, I didn't know, Ijust wanted to forget it and
like, like be left out of ithonestly, and so they would all

(01:04:50):
be Together at you knowgrandma's house and he would
come around and he would comearound, and he would come around
you know grandma's house and hewould come around and and like,
just try to be dead now, andthat's like.
That's probably one of the mostselfish things you can do is
just like reappear in someone'slife and expect it to be Regular

(01:05:13):
, like now I can discipline themand I can tell them what to do
and I can give them life advice.
And you, you have to deal withthe last 10 years that you
weren't around and and thatnever happened, and and then,
from that moment on, it wassporadic, and so I think that,

(01:05:37):
um, it does say a lot about whowe are, because it was, it was
um, that situation Was aninstrumental piece of how we
view the world today, especiallyfor jayla, um, and it is a we

(01:05:59):
because, yes, well, that's herfather, and she experienced that
neglect and that abandonment.
I it was a trauma for me too,because I was also left to
figure things out and and havethose conversations that were
very uncomfortable, because, youknow, I did keep it respectful

(01:06:20):
and I didn't say everything,because I didn't really like I
said, I didn't know why he he nolonger, like I know he was hurt
right from the whole, givingthe ring back and not want to be
.
You know me saying I didn'twant to be with him, whatever,
um, but then what you know, likeI didn't, no one said don't

(01:06:41):
come be a father like for don'tyou know being this child's life
right and so, um, but I didn'twant to slander him either
because I wanted to, you know,give jayla the chance to Make
that decision for herself if shewanted him to be in her life or
not.
If you did ever come backaround On a more consistent
basis, I never, ever wanted tobe.

(01:07:03):
The reason why, like I didn'twant to, why I say your mom kept
us apart, the pre, was thereason that, um, I didn't see
you.
I never wanted that, um, and soI was very intentional about
not saying things because Ididn't want to to impact, um,
how you viewed him, um, and so,um, we just, I just said what I

(01:07:28):
could.
You know the thing, the firstthings that came to mind, and um
, um, and, and, for her grandma,like that was her son and and,
honestly, for me I would justwalk away or I would be like,
okay, um, that's enough.
I gotta go and just cut itshort because I didn't want to
be disrespectful again.
I loved her so very much and Irespected her, and I'm just I'm

(01:07:52):
sure it's sucked being caught.
Sucked being caught in themiddle, um, for, especially for
a child whom you love so much,and to be the parent of the
child who's causing this childharm, um, in an emotional way,
or I mean just at all.
So I I respected that positionas well, um, and I think that

(01:08:14):
that is a great example of kindof what Our goal, one of our
goals, are for this podcast isto have these conversations,
because, in this situation alone, so many conversations were not
had by so many different peopleand they should have been.
Um, you know, somebody shouldhave been honest with jayla.

(01:08:38):
You know, somebody should havebeen honest with her grandma.
Somebody should have beenhonest with me.
Somebody should have beenhonest with him, like, like and
all of this, all of this.
I remember one time we maybetried to have a conversation, um
, at your grandma's house.
It was vacuum.

(01:08:59):
Was it the vacuum incident.
I don't remember, I think itwas the vacuum incident.

Speaker 2 (01:09:05):
I really do because I remember they called you
Basically to like snitch on me.
But basically, guys, after mydad got out of prison, he was
like this super clean freak.
He wanted everybody to clean acertain way and do things a
certain way and I just had norespect for him at all.
I didn't know who he was.

(01:09:25):
And here he comes Trying totell me what to do.
I don't know him and I don'tcare what he has to say.
And I remember he told me tovacuum the house and I just
snapped, I was like I'm notvacuuming, nothing, I'm not, I'm
not.
What did you talk about?
I'm not going to vacuum, no,I'm not doing it.
Um, I start like being hysteric, I start crying and stuff.
And I remember he's like whyare you crying?

(01:09:47):
Just vacuum.
I said what I said, like havingthis, like I'm your dad, and I'm
like I know this isn'thappening right now.
And I remember I just went tograndma and I don't know, I just
know you were called.
I know you were called and thatyou came over and we were
sitting on grandma's couch andthere was some sort of
conversation.
And the thing is, is that atthat time I I just knew that we

(01:10:12):
would never Ever Ever have anunderstanding for each other.
Um, nor will would there be anyrespect From my side more than
needed.
I mean, obviously I wouldrespect what you have to say for
my siblings, but there wouldnever be any sort of You're my
dad and I'm going to listen andtake what you have to say into

(01:10:32):
any thought of mine at all.
I don't know if you evenremember the um vacuum incident.

Speaker 1 (01:10:40):
I do, I do, um, yeah, now that you say it, I do.
I do remember, um, and we had a.
They called I think yourgrandma called me because you
wouldn't calm down.
You were just, you were, I mean, upset and she, she just was
just like I can't get her tocalm down and I was like what,

(01:11:03):
like what's wrong, like whathappened?
And she said, oh, she did wastry to tell her.
I said, okay, here I come.
I'm like, oh, he didn't try totell her something and we just
we're just not at that point.
We're just not at that point,um, and then when I came over I
don't remember what happenedimmediately, but I do remember

(01:11:26):
like you were like Holding on tome from the side and you were
hiding your face.
I think you were still crying,um, and I was trying to explain
to them this is more.
This is about more than justthe vacuum.
It's about you and I'm lookingat him walking into her life and

(01:11:47):
just starting and just tryingto start from a place Like
you've always been here, andthat's not okay.
And I'm sitting there and I'mlooking at them and I'm trying
to understand you know, notunderstand.
I'm trying to get them tounderstand what this is and
maybe we can try to talk throughit and have a conversation.

(01:12:08):
And Both of them had such blankfaces and I don't know if it
was just we don't understand orwhat's the big deal.
I think for your grandma it waslike he's here now and for him
it was like what the heck, likeI don't know, um, and so I was

(01:12:29):
just saying you know, jaila, andI'm sitting there, you know
she's on my side.
I'm like do you want to talk?
Like do you want to try to saywhat you're feeling?
And she was like she's, youknow, you just kept saying no,
no, like no, um, and it'sprobably because you couldn't,

(01:12:49):
you didn't really know how toput that into words and it just
didn't go anywhere.
And I said, well, you know what?
Do you want to come home Like,let's just cause I just I didn't
know how to explain what Iunderstood so well, but I
couldn't word it and I didn'teven know if it would have

(01:13:12):
mattered if I could word it,because I think in his mind,
what was the big deal?
I'm her dad.
Like he may really haveexpected to just come and
everything be fine and just beaccepted with open arms, and it
was not the case, it was notgoing to be the case and neither

(01:13:35):
one of them could understandthat.
And so I kind of I just gave inlike flight, flight free, submit
, kind of thing.
I just I gave in, I said youknow what, okay, let's go home
and we'll try again another time.
And I said, from going forward,you can't not, don't tell her

(01:13:59):
what to do, but everything yousay needs to be very gentle.
Or don't say anything at all.
Or tell Tammy, because youcan't understand and you this is
just going to keep happening.
And it was probably somefrustrated words because he
didn't want to hear nothing Ihad to say, even though I was
her mother and raising her foryears, didn't want to hear what

(01:14:22):
I had to say.
It was kind of like I justain't going to deal with this
and that's.
I'm like, see, that's theproblem, right, cause that's the
way you've been handlingraising her, or not raising her,
should I say all this time isthat it's too hard, it's too
complicated, it's too much, I'mjust not going to deal with it.

(01:14:43):
And so that was probably theonly time that there was an
attempt at a conversation and itjust could not be had?
Do you remember the letter youwrote him?

Speaker 2 (01:15:00):
Mm-hmm, and I think we lived on Park Boulevard and I
remember it was like on yellowpaper or something, or maybe his
response was on yellow paperand I just remember you were
like I think this was around thetime where I was just acting
out Like I was just so angry andI was so mad, and I think it
was fresh, because I think thisis around the time that me and

(01:15:22):
my sister started kind of, isthis around the time?
Okay, yeah, they were like youknow, and then you have all
these emotions and it's like bro, what?
And I remember you telling melike, just write it down and
write how you feel down.
And I mean, I didn't hold backat all and he was in prison at
this time.
This is even before the wholevacuum incident.

(01:15:43):
I did not hold back.
You would not have expected it,like with little preteen
writing those angry wordsbecause I was so mad and I don't
even remember his response.
But I know that it was just BS,it was completely BS.
It was like and I think thatwas another you know how, like

(01:16:05):
you're trying so hard to likehold on to something and it's
just like you keep putting anotch in our healing, or in my
healing by not once has my dadever apologized, not once has he
ever taken accountability, likethere was never, there was
nothing.
It was.
It is what it is, this is whatit's gonna be, and you're either

(01:16:26):
gonna like it or you're not,and that's it.
And I think one part I doremember is him saying something
like he's such a victim player.
I don't know why, but Iremember him saying something
like you're gonna do this to mewhile I'm in jail, like I
remember he wrote that likesomething about like you're

(01:16:47):
gonna do this to me and it'slike wow, I'm gonna do this to
you.
That's crazy.
And I think from there it waskind of like okay, like this is
what it's gonna be, but then I'mstill a little girl, so it's
like I don't want this to bewhat it is.
I want you to be my dad, I wantyou to be in my life.

(01:17:10):
And to make it even worse, Iremember he would call grandma's
house phone and we would all bewaiting like at the phone, like
, oh, my God, it's dad, like.
It's like we haven't heard fromhim, we haven't seen him,
hopefully he'll talk to us.
And I think it was like we allgot like 30 seconds, Not even.
Let me not say that my youngersiblings got 30 seconds.

(01:17:31):
I think I got hey, jaila, givethe phone back to grandma,
honestly.
And grandma had the two-wayphone so you could pick up the
other end.
And I remember one time I waslike you know what?
I just want to see.
I want to see what he says.
And I remember hearing grandmaand she was like the kids want
to talk to you, like talk toyour children, and he literally

(01:17:55):
said call my little brother'smom.
And she was like well, whatabout the kids?
Like you haven't even likereally said anything to him and
he was like just three-way mylittle brother's mom and I don't
know what they talked about.
I just knew like I'm like okay,like solely, but surely I was
starting to come to terms withthis will never be what I want

(01:18:18):
it to be, and I think that'sreally hard for someone that's
12, 13 years old wanting that sobad, because I saw that he gave
it to my siblings and I'm likeso I know he can do it, but he
just won't do it for me, and Ithink that hurt my little
feelings as a kid, but it alsohelped me take people for who

(01:18:41):
they are and not put my ownfeelings in it and be looking at
myself like man.
Maybe it's me Like, maybe I'mjust not a good kid, but I just
had to learn like it's not meand it is what it is.

Speaker 1 (01:18:58):
Yeah, again, another example of choosing to just not
deal, choosing to just notacknowledge on his part.
And what do you even say aboutthat?
I can't even begin to say tounderstand and I won't

(01:19:21):
understand because I'm not thatkind of parent.
So, but yeah, I did, I told herto write that letter.
I felt like it would at leastget some of that out, because I
could tell she was so upset.
It was just so angry, and Iknew why.
I knew where it was coming from.

(01:19:42):
I empathized with her because itwas a familiar situation.
My dad wasn't in my life eitherwhen I was little, so and that
hurt me too because it was likesee, talking about bringing that
protector, it happened.
I couldn't protect her, ithappened to her.

(01:20:04):
Now she has something in herlife like me again and it's just
like.
That's hard to say.
But yeah, I told her to writethat letter and I remember he
called me after he got theletter and he says my daughter

(01:20:27):
hates me.
And then immediately he went tojoking Like dang, I don't know,
I don't know, I don't know, Idon't know.
Immediately he went to jokinglike dang, she might have a hip
put out on me, like the way.
Did you read that letter?
The way she was saying it mightbe somebody after my head, ha

(01:20:50):
ha ha ha.
And I was like I didn't read theletter because I wanted her to
write and be very direct and rawand not have to worry about me
skimming through it andreviewing it and being upset
with her or saying Jaila, whywould you say this?
Or something like that.
I wanted her to just pour herheart out to you so that you
could understand the pain thatshe's feeling or at least know

(01:21:14):
it.
Even if you don't understand it, you can at least know it
because it's here on paper, it'sphysical.
And he was like I don't knowwhat to do from here.
And I told him that you need to.
When you get out, you need tostart trying to be a dad, you

(01:21:38):
need to be in her life, liketake her to lunch and just talk
to her about things, tell heryou apologized, explain who you
were, like there's a ton ofthings you can do and know it
ain't gonna be easy.
And he asked me to come up andsee him, come, fill out this

(01:22:01):
visitor form to come see him.
And I'm like I don't need tocome see you, you need to see
her.
I told you everything that Icould tell you and I still kind
of had my own mixed emotions andfeelings and I didn't wanna go
up and visit.
I mean, we could talk on thephone.

(01:22:22):
We're here talking and as I saythat, at the same time I wonder
if that was a missedopportunity for me to correct it
, because maybe he would haveunderstood better if I was in
his face.
But I think when things likethis happen, you look for the
fault, someone to blame, andunfortunately, sometimes you

(01:22:44):
blame yourself, like I shouldhave done that, or maybe if I
would have went, maybe if Ididn't, maybe if I didn't.
And I've lived my life doingthat Like if I didn't do this,
or if I didn't say this, or Ishould have said this, and it's
just never makes a difference,because I think fate is what it

(01:23:05):
is for those who believe in fate, and it's going to.
What's going to happen is goingto happen.
It doesn't matter what you sayor do.
A lot of the times, if he wasmeant to be a father to her the
way she and I hoped for it wouldhave happened.

(01:23:25):
It wouldn't have matter what Isaid or what I did, because
there are parents out thereright now that will fight tooth
and nail to make sure that theyare present in their children's
life.
So I mean, that's all you canreally say about that.
But this is really a deep lookinto our journey, especially in

(01:23:54):
this area.
Of course, there's so much more, but just kind of regarding
where just the independence thatI have, the independence that
she has, the other things thatare a part of her character that
came directly from this, I mean, she's giving you, we are

(01:24:17):
giving you, a very deep lookinto this journey and this story
.
So if there's anything else, Ithink you know you'll catch it
on the next podcast.
We probably won't be talkingabout this specifically, but, as

(01:24:43):
Jaila mentioned, this is a verybig part of our story and so
things will come up.
So any parting thoughts oranything, jaila?

Speaker 2 (01:24:53):
Nope.

Speaker 1 (01:24:55):
Any words for the people?

Speaker 2 (01:24:58):
No sorry.

Speaker 1 (01:25:01):
Okay, no need to be sorry.
So, yeah, we're gonna go aheadand wrap up then.
I guess this was less right.
If you've made it this far,which we hope you have, it's
less about teen pregnancy, Iguess, than just more about
Jaila's birth story and my storyright, and allows you to get to

(01:25:28):
know us a little bit better.
And what I will say, though, isthat, just in regards to teen
pregnancy in general, there'ssuch a stigma behind it and
there's such a shaming piecethat if you were a teenage

(01:25:50):
mother, or if you are a teenagemother, it's as I said was
mentioned to me it's a how dareyou or how could you, and I
think, if this story, or anypart of this, resonates with you
, you know how you dared, andyou know what was missing from

(01:26:13):
your life, who was missing fromyour life and the reason why you
chose the path you did, and so,if you are a teen mom listening
, or if you were a teen mom andyou're now an adult and you know
are going through life rightnow, give yourself grace, give

(01:26:39):
yourself space, make sure thatyou focus on those who support
you, those who love you, and tryyour very best to block out and
remove anything else, anyoneelse that does not serve you
because it will not do you anyjustice in your life going down

(01:26:59):
the line.
I've been a mom for 22 yearsand I am you know, until very
recently have still beenimpacted by the decisions I made
back then in allowing people tohave say in my life.
And today I am here with my 22year old daughter, who is in

(01:27:24):
college, who is child free, whois very kind, who is very
thoughtful, who is very in tune,who has impacted my life in
such a phenomenal way, and Idon't regret any of it.
I don't regret the decisionthat I made.

(01:27:47):
I never will.
I knew at a child's age that Iwas going to keep her and I was
going to raise her and we weregoing to figure it out, and
that's what we did.

(01:28:08):
That story is not the same foreverybody, and that's okay too,
because everybody has theirindividual needs, because
everybody has their individualchoice to make, dependent upon
what their life looks like.
That's not always possible.
You know there are childrenwho've been given up for
adoption and if that's what youfelt like you needed to do for

(01:28:32):
the safety and well-being ofthat child, then you know hats
off to you for making thatchoice to give that child a
better opportunity.
And, you know, for anyone outhere kind of you know, being
careless and otherwise, you know, step back and maybe take a

(01:28:55):
thought right about the impactthat you have on other people's
lives If you're not out herebeing careful.
And back to sex education,right, if you are not being
careful and making sure that youhave a child when you're ready,
let's step back and take aneducational moment, because it's

(01:29:16):
not just about taking picturesand matching outfits, you know.
It's not just about keepingsomebody around because you
think that a baby will do that.
This is someone's life.
This is someone's mental andemotional well-being.
It's a big deal.

(01:29:37):
It's a big deal.
So just remember that.
And if you know someone who iscurrently a teen parent or
they're, you know, pregnantright now and trying to find a
way through it, just be aresource and be a support.

(01:29:59):
And even if you're upset andyou feel, you know, emotionally
driven and well-being,emotionally driven in one way or
another by it, just kind ofremember that the effects of
anything you do or say could belong-lasting.
That's important.
So I said I would wrap and sowe will Thank you for taking

(01:30:24):
this time to be with us in thisspace.
Remember that we will bedropping a new episode on
Wednesdays, once a week, and wehope that you'll stay tuned and
connect with us each time.
Peace.