Family Dynamics and the Parent-Child Relationship

Have you ever taken a moment to reflect on your childhood memories and the ways they impact your personal growth? Well, we've done just that in this episode of our podcast. Alongside Jaylah and Caprie, we journey into the labyrinth of the past - the playful times making cinnamon rolls, the pangs of shifting living arrangements, and the intricate dynamics of parent-child relationships. We also touch on how tools like the ACEs quiz and emotional neglect test can shed some light on our trauma scores, but remind you that these results aren't the final say, but a deeper look into the diversity in parenting styles and experiences and how those play into childhood trauma and the work to be done. Please find those links below if you are interested in reviewing your own scores.  

In pursuing personal development, we take you on an emotional journey where Jaylah and Caprie confront some of their deepest fears and worries. Caprie opens up about her ongoing quest to cultivate positivity and communicate more assertively. In contrast, Jaylah shares her instinct to turn to her mom for comfort and sometimes Dr. Phil to solve life's weightier issues. Together, we navigate the fragile balance of living in the now without losing sight of the future where healing and growth reside.

In the final part of our journey, we delve into family dynamics, reflective moments, and the role of trust in mother-daughter relationships. We share intimate conversations about our parents, what we'd change about them, and the qualities we believe make a good parent. As we journey through this critical exploration of family relationships, trauma, and personal development, we aim to provide an illuminating, heartwarming, and thought-provoking conversation. Tune in, lean back, and let's journey together.

Emotional Neglect Test:https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/childhood-emotional-neglect-test

ACES (Adverse Childhood Experiences): https://numberstory.org/explore-your-number/?gclid=CjwKCAjwjaWoBhAmEiwAXz8DBYTeeo4vjsL5MrEof48wtJaa3koSlD2eMt3s3uBTlVw58e12PCAhsBoCfTgQAvD_BwE

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome back to LTO.
Let's talk later.
You're joining us on our thirdpodcast episode and today we are
going to be talking about theparent-child relationship.
As you may already know and ifyou're not and you're new I am

(00:25):
one of your hosts Capri, I'mJaila and yeah.
So today, just a bit of anoverview We'll be talking about
the ACEs scores We'll go intothat a little more later An

(00:45):
emotional neglect score and alsobe doing a little bit of Q&A
between Jaila and I, which willlead into some you know,
unfiltered conversation.
So stay along with us and getready for this ride.
So, jaila, would you like tomake any introductory comments?

(01:09):
Like you know, how are youfeeling, what's going on with
you?

Speaker 2 (01:13):
I'm great y'all.
I'm doing good Okay.

Speaker 1 (01:19):
Okay, so like, what's the?
What are you looking forward tothis week?
We're here at the end of a weekon this recording day and the
weekend's coming up and you know, means different to different
things to everybody.
So what are you looking forwardto?
That's coming up, Jaila.

Speaker 2 (01:39):
Absolutely nothing Okay.

Speaker 1 (01:43):
All right?
Well, all right, we're gonnajust jump right into it because
Jaila's a mess.
So, prior to this recording,jaila and I completed two
quizzes tests, if you will.
The first one is the ASIS quizA-C-E, and so an A score is

(02:09):
basically a tally of differenttypes of abuse, neglect and like
other kind of hallmarks of arough childhood, and, according
to the adverse childhoodexperience study, the rougher
your childhood was, rougher, thehigher your score is likely to
be, and that means the more workthat is needed to be done.

(02:33):
You know work when we sayprocessing, therapy, counseling,
coaching, etc.
And so my score it's a 10question test, and so my score
was a nine and Jaila's was aseven, so obviously out of 10,

(03:00):
though that's a pretty high,those are pretty high scores,
and so we want to talk aboutthat a little bit today through
again that Q&A that we're goingto be going through, and then
we're going to share a link tothat in the notes today so that
if you're interested in takingeither of these quizzes to start
these conversations or just tohave a better insight into what

(03:24):
your trauma scores might be, youcan do so.
And so for the emotional neglecttest I believe that was also
out of maybe 10 or 15 or therewere 15 questions and so I was
in the five and above range forthe score and Jaila had.

(03:48):
I think it was like a one totwo.
Jaila has some feelings aboutthat test, based on kind of the
different parenting or notparenting but, like you know,
different scores for differentparents, and I kind of looked at
it as all around because I hadseveral quote unquote caregivers

(04:08):
, I guess, if you would say, orpeople who I considered
caregivers, and Jaila's kind ofthoughts where that the
caregivers are the parent, themother and the father.
So what were your concerns,jaila?
What were your thoughts aboutthat?

Speaker 2 (04:25):
quiz.
I think the first one was that,if you have like, for my
situation I had an active parentand then I had a parent that
was never there, so all myquestions would have been
answered with never and I thinkthat wasn't fair to the one that
was active.
So I kind of just base it offof.
You know our relationship,yours and mine.

(04:47):
But I think that's just weirdbecause if you, some people are
going to be different you knowforms they're going to do
different forms of parenting orthey're going to be more or less
involved in your life,depending on who they are.
So I think it wasn't reallystraight to the point like that.

Speaker 1 (05:10):
Okay, that makes sense.
Just, I mean, you know, justwith, with everything, nothing
is singular, because every humanis different, every experience
is different.
So, right, you're going to havedifferent perspectives, right,
and different scores for forespecially in the area of, like
you know, mental health, andthese different assessments,

(05:30):
right.
So let's jump right into it.
We're going to ask somequestions that we hope are going
to help us dive into our ownexperiences and perspectives
around abuse, neglect andabandonment, and hopefully it
just starts some stimulatingconversation.

(05:51):
So I'm going to kick it off andwe are going to kind of do kind
of three different areas, andthe first area is kind of a just
a deep dive, a kind of gettingto know you and feel free to use
these questions with your ownchildren, your own parents,

(06:12):
anyone in your family who youwant to maybe connect with and
learn more about, or they may bea part of your trauma story,
and so you kind of want to startaddressing some things, without
maybe being so direct if youhave any kind of avoidance

(06:33):
issues, as I do.
So for the first question,jaila, what is your earliest
memory?

Speaker 2 (06:43):
Excuse me, I think I talk about this all the time.
It was when we lived on.
Was that Hamilton in Menlo Parkand we were going to school?

Speaker 1 (06:54):
Let me tell people where we live.

Speaker 2 (06:56):
Oh my God, we were going to school in the morning
and you and auntie would alwaysmake cinnamon rolls in the
morning.
That's like my earliest memory.
I don't know how old I was then.

Speaker 1 (07:07):
That's interesting.
So that's actually later inyour life, because before we
moved in with them we wereliving with my dad.
So wait a minute.
And then you were at yourgrandma's.
So that was before, are yousure?

Speaker 2 (07:29):
How old was I when I went on a Tahoe trip?

Speaker 1 (07:35):
Without me.
Yeah, you were nine.
10?
Nine.

Speaker 2 (07:49):
I don't know.
It all seems like those timesfelt very, like they felt at the
same time.

Speaker 1 (08:01):
No, those were two separate.
So when you went on the Tahoetrip without me, we were living
with auntie.
We were, but before we livedthere we were staying with your
grandpa.

Speaker 2 (08:21):
Yeah, I don't remember.
It kind of feels like they alljust kind of blended together.
I thought those were likearound the same time, oh, okay,
yeah, wow, okay.

Speaker 1 (08:36):
So for me, my earliest memory, unfortunately,
was not so great memory.
I don't remember how old I was.
I feel very young in thismemory Five, six, I don't know.

(08:58):
We were living in my greatgrandmother's house and I was
under the table and from thetable or with the area I was in,
you could see the front doorand it was like, you know, you
open the door, like in the the,where the sun is probably maybe
at its highest, maybe earlyafternoon.

(09:19):
I just remember it was sobright, the light was kind of
like pushing in from the doorand the police were there to
take away my grandma.
I don't know why, I don't knowwhat had happened, but I just
remember that she was being justbeing arrested and that's the

(09:43):
first memory that I could goback to.
It's spotty, but I justremember that moment that was
probably three minutes, thatthat everything, or at least my
memory, was three minutes withinthat moment.

Speaker 2 (09:57):
So so next question the next question is what are
you most proud of?

Speaker 1 (10:08):
Of everything.
Well, I mean, first thing thatcomes to mind is you.
I'm most proud of who you are.
I wish I could see her rightnow, who you are, and just
knowing that, if you listeners,if you guys, you know, heard

(10:29):
episode two I talked about, youknow, in your birth story, right
when I didn't know what I wasdoing, I didn't know what was
going to happen, but I knew thatI was going to do my best.
And seeing you now is it's justa very proud moment because you

(10:49):
know, through through my workand your work and the positives
that did come out of ourenvironments, you, just you,
just you just make me very proud, your accomplishments and what
you want in your life and soyeah, that's my answer.
What about for you?
What are you most proud of?

Speaker 2 (11:09):
Thank you, that was sweet too, but I don't know, I
guess sort of kind of the samething, just kind of.
Sometimes I'd be reflecting onwhere we came from and like all
the stuff we've been through andI'd be like, wow, like this,
this is crazy, but hey, we didit.
Oh, yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 (11:33):
Next question what is a quality you wish you could
have more of?

Speaker 2 (11:42):
Um, it's actually something that I've like been
actively working on and it'sbeing more positive.
You know, like even with thegood or bad things, just kind of
taking things for what they are, and I always I keep telling
myself like something's either alesson dang I don't like how I

(12:03):
said that but a lesson, a lessonor a blessing.
So, yeah, just being morepositive.

Speaker 1 (12:15):
For me, I would like to be more direct and in line
with being more direct, and thenwhen I say direct, I mean in my
communication and when talkingto other people, and more
confident in why I need to bemore direct.
I think that I don't speak upor advocate for self as much as

(12:40):
I'd like to, because I get socaught up in concerned with am I
tripping, is this really what'shappening, or am I being too
sensitive?
And so all of that stuff comesup when I feel away about a
thing, and so I just won't sayit and then end up suffering

(13:00):
from it, and so I really, really, really hope that I develop
some more self advocacy and selfconfidence.

Speaker 2 (13:13):
So next question Next question is if you could ask
anyone for help, who would it beand why?

Speaker 1 (13:24):
You know, initially my answer was Iyanla Vanzan.
I've always been a huge fan ofhers and the work that she does,
but I think the answer haschanged and I think that the
person that I would ask for helpwould be my mom, and the why

(13:51):
would be?
I just I feel like the helpthat I would want from her is
for healing for the both of us,and I don't even know what the
questions would be like if Iwalked up to her and was like

(14:13):
here's the question of help.
I don't know what that would be, but my body knows right now
and it's kind of hard to kind ofput it into words.
But that would be my answer ismy mom, and for healing.
What about you?

Speaker 2 (14:30):
Man, I'm finna, call Dr Phil.
Nah, I don't really have like aI don't know, like I don't have
an answer to this questionbecause I don't know I asked for
help for from the people I needto ask for.

Speaker 1 (14:49):
So okay, so piggyback off that a little bit.
So if you had like a like ahuge problem, like like a life
altering issue came up, who'sthe first person you would go to
you?

Speaker 2 (15:07):
That's easy.
Okay, I go to you abouteverything, everything.
I need to know how many pills Ineed to take.

Speaker 1 (15:17):
I go to you for everything.
Okay, okay, that's fair.
Okay, I think it's on me.
The next question is whatscares you the most and why.

Speaker 2 (15:35):
Another thing that I've been learning is I'm trying
not to be afraid of the futureand like what it like holds for
me.
I feel like I can be really,really hard on myself and kind
of like have this mentalitywhere it's like I have to be
better than I ever was beforeand if I ever go back to a
certain situation, I feel like Ifailed.
So when it comes to the future,I try to like plan, plan, plan,

(16:00):
plan, plan and make sureeverything is going to go
perfect.
But you know, I'm learning nowthat I need to live in the
moment and not be afraid ofwhat's in store for me and just
know that things will work outhow they should, because there's
no way to change your life forreal in the future.

Speaker 1 (16:19):
Okay, so you're afraid of being too caught up in
the future and not enough inthe present.
Would that be a fair summary?

Speaker 2 (16:34):
Maybe not too caught up in the future, but I think
that I get so afraid of theunknown that I forget that I'm
living like right now and I'mlike life is passing me up right
now, like I'm trying to makesure that everything I'm 10
steps ahead, but I'm not here inthe moment and I think where

(16:56):
I'm really starting to see thatis just the other day with
brother, I was asking him whatis his favorite Beyonce song or
something like that, and he waslike, well, me and mommy like
the power song.
And I was like, well, what'sthe power song?
And he's like you know thepower song.
And I like looked it up on myphone and I was like this one

(17:18):
and it was playing and I waslike in my mind I was like, oh,
I'm only going to let it playfor like a second just so I can
make sure, just the song.
But I just I don't know whatmade me just stand still and we
just listened to the songtogether and he was kind of like
dancing and I was like I needto have more moments like this,

(17:39):
like I'm constantly on the go,where I'm like you know what the
song's over, we're not going tokeep playing it.
But what's?
Two minutes with brother andyou know, just living right now
and not worrying about what'sgoing on in the next couple
minutes or something.
Where was I when this happened?
You were painting.
This was after school when hecame home the other day.

(18:00):
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 (18:02):
That story gives me a nice feel.
I didn't.
I had no idea that happened.
I do my DIY projects.
I'm painting the cabinets inthe kitchen Because I just need
something to do.
That's awesome, that's actuallyreally awesome.
Okay, I guess I need to answerwhat scares me the most.

(18:28):
I think I think about.
It's funny.
I guess the stories arerelative to the.
I mean not relative, butrelated.
I guess it also has to do withwhich is what she's calling
brother, obviously is my son.

(18:51):
I'm afraid that, as for those ofyou who don't know Jaila's
brother, my son is on the autismspectrum and also has
accompanying ADHD.

(19:11):
Life is not easy in general,right, but it adds an additional
layer of complexity when youhave a neurological diagnosis,
and so I think my most prominentfear is that I won't be able to
, we won't be able to give himthe best quality of life because

(19:40):
we won't have figured out how,and that's very scary for me.
One of the biggest challengesright now is him in school and
kind of the behaviors that arepresenting themselves, and so I
mean, obviously that adds stressto the day and to life, and I

(20:03):
mean it is stressful for him too, and so I think, similar to
Jaila, kind of the future thinglike I'm so worried about.
What is life going to look likefor him at 12, at 16, at 21,
like the deeper into age, Ithink, the more afraid I am.

(20:25):
And not just because of school,obviously, because one day
he'll be done with school, butjust life like working,
friendships, relationships,systems being in place like that
.
Yeah, that scares me and Ithink that's understandable why

(20:47):
that would scare someone.

Speaker 2 (20:49):
So yeah, next question this is kind of similar
, but I guess it's a bigdifference, though, is that?
What do you worry about themost?

Speaker 1 (21:08):
Definitely.
Yeah, they are very similar,but my right away I have a
different answer, because youwould think that would be the
same.
But I actually worry about myfuture the most, and when I say
my, I mean very personal tomyself.
I mean, like my career.
Am I ever going to be in mydream career or am I going to

(21:36):
continue to just hold jobs?
And that's, it's scary for meand I worry about it.
I worry about it very regularlybecause I'm at a pivotal point
where I'm trying to find out howto get to that place, like I'm
taking trainings and I want toleave of absence so that I can

(21:56):
reset and, you know, build somebetter tools as far as how, as I
mentioned, I can better selfadvocate and set boundaries and
all of these things.
Right, but right now that is abig worry for me is will this
change for me?
Will I ever wake up and say,man, I love what I'm doing, or

(22:18):
not?
So what about you, jayla?

Speaker 2 (22:22):
I kind of think it's funny, because what scares me
the most is personal, and thenwhat worries me the most is my
family's like situation.
I think I worry so much aboutyou know, like brother and you
and Marcel, even where it's likesometimes I worry so much that

(22:43):
I'm like bruh, I got to stop.
But it's like that fear of likeI want us all to be where we
all need to be, that I'm like Ihope we all can get you know to
a place where we're comfortableand we're happy and I think I
just worry about just thedynamic, I guess, like of

(23:05):
everyone finding that happiness.

Speaker 1 (23:08):
Yeah, that is very interesting.

Speaker 2 (23:11):
It's like an excellent depiction of like our
different perspectives, becauseit's the exact opposite, right,
or my fear is about family andthen my worry is personal, but
for Well, not to cut you off,but I think that shows like
you're a mom so you're going tobe afraid of our problems, Like

(23:36):
you're going to be more afraidof for us, and then you worry
about yourself second.
And then I'm still young andlike have this like it's me and
against the world mentality,where it's like I fear things
for myself and then I worryabout my family.

Speaker 1 (23:52):
That makes sense.
Makes sense, yep, I think, yeah.
Worries and fears, yeah, it'svery much, probably yeah, about
that whole, as you mentioned.
I think you nailed it perfectly.
It's like as a mother, as aparent, it's like what are my

(24:13):
children going to do?
Like, how are they going to doit?
Are they going to be okay?
Are they?
Am I doing the right thing?
Am I saying the right thing?
Am I being there enough?
Should I?
You know, it's, oh, my gosh,it's like this endless.
It's just this whole that youjust fall into and, just like
Alice in Wonderland, you justkeep falling and falling and

(24:33):
falling.
You're going to come out theother side, yeah, so we're going
into our next kind of sectionor area of questioning.
These are around relationships,parent-child relationships, and
so I think it's my turn to askthis next question, which is

(24:57):
Jayla, what is your favoritething about our relationship?

Speaker 2 (25:01):
Um, now, um, I appreciate how open we can or at
least I can be with you and howopen you can be with me.
In return, it like, I think inthe past it used to be very
closed off.
It was only like I'm onlyasking, or I'm only telling you

(25:22):
what you're asking me, andnothing more than that.
Um, whereas now it's like Iactively go to you to talk to
you about things that sometimesyou don't even want to hear
about, but I'm like no, you haveto know, mom, like I have to
tell you this.

Speaker 1 (25:37):
Yes, and it's not because I don't want to hear it
because I'm closed off.
It's just like I got to preparemyself, because when I mean
when Jaila says everything, shemeans everything and sometimes I
let me.
I got to get a space firstbecause, you know, again back to
that parental worrying though,because it's like am I going to

(25:59):
respond the right way?
Am I going to, especially, youknow, when she says before we
were, you know, things wereclosed off, like I am actively
working to not be closed offbecause I want it to be
different, obviously right.
And so when I respond like I'ma new question is like okay, am

(26:20):
I, am I making a face that thatlooks like I'm judging her?
Okay, let me make sure I don'tdo that.
So it's, it's yeah, it's, it'sbeen a journey and it's it's,
you know, continuous learningand continuous growth.
So, yeah, for sure.
So my favorite thing about ourrelationship, I think would be

(26:41):
the very same, is theconversations that we can have,
the, the connection that we have, and just, you know, it's like
yes, I have.
I'm so like pleased with myselfthat I have finally accepted
that you can be my daughter andmy friend.
It doesn't have to be you're mydaughter, you're my daughter,

(27:01):
I'm your mother, like, yeah,because, like, when you say like
like best friend, like likeJaila is like I trust her with
anything and I know that shewill have my best intentions in
mind and she not going to gotell my secrets and go, you know
, I'm just saying I'm going togo tell everybody about my

(27:22):
business and, and she's in thatmy biggest thing is judgment.
I feel like all my life,especially in my childhood, I
was judged for something Likeridiculed and judged.
And you know, and it's just,it's good to know that when
you're talking to somebody, thatthey're they're coming just
from a genuine, authentic place.
They're not like, oh well, whywould you and how could you, and

(27:47):
these kind of things, and so Ivalue that very much, so yeah,
all right.

Speaker 2 (27:57):
So that's what I think, all right.
So the next question is what isyour least favorite thing about
our relationship?

Speaker 1 (28:06):
These comparisons I feel like you know when you're
in a job interview.
They're like what are yourstrengths and what are your
weaknesses?
I don't want to tell you myweaknesses but, I understand
it's an important question asfar as you know.
Just self assessment anddevelopment, right, I don't know
.
So, our relationship, my leastfavorite thing, I think, is the

(28:30):
residue from the past, and whenI say that, I mean that things
were so tense between us for anumber of things and we, like
communication was not there.

(28:51):
It was not there and there'sstill residue from that Like,
even when we were taking theemotional neglect test.
She had to answer thosequestions about me and it was
like, oh my God, like I didn't,I didn't hug you, like I didn't
say I love you, like, and so,like that.

(29:16):
And it's not even like I don'tknow.
I mean it is about ourrelationship.
So, yeah, I mean it's, and it'snot really about her, but it's
me having to acknowledge where Imessed up and like like,
wanting to cry about it becauseit's like gosh, like who I am

(29:36):
now versus who I was.
They're just, I mean they arenight and day Like I was a
closed off, angry, struggling.
I mean just just, it was bad,like it was bad.
So dealing with that person islike I just want to forget this

(29:57):
person and move past her, but Ican't because I have to
acknowledge, so that I cancontinue to grow and heal.
And so, while it's hard to hearit, it's very necessary.
So that would be my response.
What about you?

Speaker 2 (30:12):
Um, yeah, I think it would be two like completely
different things from like now.
And then I mean, obviously,back then, my least favorite.
I probably would say yeah, justbeing like closed off and like
not being able to communicatewithout you know, like a voice
in my head being like, oh, she'sgoing to get angry or she's

(30:34):
going to do this, and like she'snot going to respond.
Well, and you know what I'msaying.
Um, but that that's completelylike 180.
That's not even a problemanymore.
Um, I think my least favoritething about us now is that we're
sometimes we're so alike thatit's like, oh my God, like just,
just, just don't talk to meright now, like you go make me

(30:54):
mad, but it's like I sit thereand I'm like I can act like that
too, so like dang, like it'slike looking in a mirror
sometimes and just so annoying.

Speaker 1 (31:04):
Yeah, no for sure.
Talk about a perspective like,like, almost immediately, and
it's like maybe that's whythings won't not completely why,
but a part of the reason why,like our relationship was what
it was.
Because it's like maybe I sawthat thing that you were doing

(31:28):
that and it being a part of whoI was, it's like that ticks me
off because I don't want to bethat.
I don't.
Why are you doing that You'rereminding me of of?
You know, something maybe Ididn't like in myself or
something I don't know, butmaybe it's relative, but um,
deaf, for sure, for sure, um.

(31:48):
So the next question is um,it's a long one, it's about a
three part.
Um, do you think and I think Iknow the answer to this Do you
think you can tell me anything?
What would you be most likelyto want to lie to me about, and
why?

Speaker 2 (32:11):
I can tell you almost everything, but there are some
things that are like your momdoes not need to know nothing
about this.
Bro, this is something that islike no, you just don't feel
like certain things arenecessary.
So, yeah, I don't think I haveanything that I would most

(32:37):
likely want to lie to you about,because it's like there's no
point in lying at this point,like at my big age, like what am
I lying for?
But yeah, I think that thereare just some things that you
don't need to tell your momabout.

Speaker 1 (32:54):
Okay, so I mean that perfectly goes into the next
question.
So what kinds of things?
Like don't tell me if you don'twant to tell me please,
especially on the podcast.
But like what kinds of thingsare they?

Speaker 2 (33:12):
Like, just like you know, like some things are just
super personal, like you justdon't tell your mom about these
things.
I don't know If you're a kidyou're going to be like yeah, I
ain't tell my mom some thingsbecause she don't even know them
things.
I'm sure some things you ain'tgoing to tell grandma.

Speaker 1 (33:35):
That's different.

Speaker 2 (33:36):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (33:37):
Well, it's just some things, bro.
Okay, yeah, okay.
I guess we could just leave thatright there and drop it.
So on the flip side, I think Ican tell you anything that I'm

(33:59):
ready to speak about.
And when I say to speak like if, like once I've you know, like
if something traumatic happenedto me or there was a big
situation that is very personaland affected me very deeply and
I'm not ready to say it out loudto nobody, then that's I mean,

(34:19):
that's the kind of thing I mean,and once I'm ready to speak it,
jaila will probably be thefirst one to hear it.
So it just really depends onwhere I'm at and if I'm able to
say it.
So, if I'm able to saysomething, I'll, I'm sure.
I'll just tell you Now whatwould I most likely want to lie
about and when I, when I hearthis question, I think that or I

(34:43):
feel that I will want to liebecause it comes with shame and
so I would probably lie to youor want to lie to you about
something I feel like you wouldbe disappointed in me for.

(35:03):
So like if I I don't know, likeI don't know, like if I, if I
went out and and I got, I gotjust so drunk and like bust my
nose or something I don't know,like Phil, I don't know Like did
something immature, right CauseI'm, I'm her mother and I'm

(35:26):
supposed to I don't know be, Idon't know, just aware of my
surroundings.
I guess I think I would comehome and she'd be like dang what
happened to your face.
And so I'll be like, oh man,you know what happened was
somebody pushed me, and then youknow cause I wouldn't want to
say I had 15 shots, like come onout, it just sounds as a from a

(35:52):
parent to a child.
It's like, oh really, and youknow what the crazy part is, I
don't even know what.
She'd be disappointed as long asnothing like happened to me,
like bad, bad, she probably belike oh, my mom was turning up,
you know, like that's, that'scrazy, right, and that's
probably how she would respond.
But if it was something I feltshe would be disappointed in me
for, or like I got cheated onand I and I took them back,

(36:17):
Jaila would probably give me theworst face ever.
I wouldn't, I would probablynot say that my husband cheated
on me and we stood together, butyou know what I feel like
ultimately it would come outanyway.
But I would not want to Umbecause she would be

(36:38):
disappointed, because I know Iknow the values that she holds
and I know the expectations thatshe does have for me, just as a
woman and as her mom, Um, and,and you know, for women in
general.

Speaker 2 (36:52):
So yeah, I have a question what would you want me
to lie to you about, If anything?

Speaker 1 (37:02):
Nothing.

Speaker 2 (37:03):
I have an answer.
If you cheated on Marcel like,like for real, for like slept
with somebody else, I wouldn'twant you to tell me.
I swear to God, I would be solike bruh, like for real, like,
why, like, I think I would be somad at you because it's like,

(37:28):
why would you do this?
Like, yeah, I think that's theonly thing I would want you to
lie to me about is, like, if youcheated on Marcel, like, don't
even tell me, write it in ajournal, bruh.
Don't tell me I get it.

Speaker 1 (37:41):
I understand why, because you know, I, yeah, yeah,
I totally understand why familydynamic is.
Why would you ruin somethingthat you worked, that you're
both working hard towards?
And yeah, no, I get it.
That wouldn't happen.
It wouldn't happen.
If you're listening, itwouldn't happen.

Speaker 2 (38:01):
Don't worry, Marcel, I got you.
I'm gonna write him a note, ananonymous note with evidence.
All right.
So the next question is if yougot into really big trouble, how
do you think I would respond,mom?
Well, here we go.

Speaker 1 (38:17):
Like really big trouble.
Okay, I don't know like what,like I'm about to be arrested.

Speaker 2 (38:23):
Yeah, that's what I'm getting from it.

Speaker 1 (38:26):
I think it depends on why.
I think you're gonna be likecome on, marcel, we got this
money bailed by my mom.
We can't have her locked uplike this.
And then it depends on what itwas Like.
If I was like public and decencyor something I don't know, you
probably be like dang, what'swrong with you?
Like I think it would be funnyand you'd be like, wow, like you

(38:48):
couldn't like be in decent andthen run home or something, why
you get caught.
That's often like you wouldrespond like why did you get
caught?
Like you couldn't like do thissomewhere else.
But if it was like big, big bad, like I committed fraud and

(39:08):
like stole I don't know somemoney from someone and like I
was really facing like life orsomething because it was a big
deal, like federal or somethinglike that, I think that you
would be so disappointed and soheartbroken and so hurt that I
would put myself in thatsituation to be taken away from
not only you but your brother.

(39:28):
You probably wouldn't speak tome for a little while, you
probably would just disappearand I don't know that's what I
would think.
What about you?

Speaker 2 (39:44):
I mean this is I don't know.
I guess I can answer from twoperspectives or two times.
I guess in my life your jailwould be like yeah, your mom's
gonna get mad, like she has beenup low up, everybody better
watch out.
Now, though, yeah, I guess itjust depends.
If I was going down for likemurder or something, I think you

(40:06):
would like man, my mom, goright to the wheels, fall off.
Man, you gonna be outside thejail Free, jail Free jail.
Like I don't know, I think whowe are now.
I don't think there's anythingI could do that would make Like
there are some things but thosethings would never happen, that

(40:26):
like.
But I just don't think that youwould not support me or, you
know, have my back.

Speaker 1 (40:34):
No, I would totally be out in the front picketing
and getting signatures and,would you say, getting like
character witnesses.
I'd be going around like allher friends, write this letter.
Please just tell them she was agood person, this man, you know
he did, he did this, she had tokill him.
I would totally, totally,totally, totally do that.
I mean, and even if she didsomething like foolish where she

(40:56):
ooh, she shouldn't didn't haveno business in that place at
that time and that moment, I'mstill not going to leave her out
there like that.
I'm still going to be like wegot to figure this out, we have
to find good lawyers and I'm ateller about herself, like
what's wrong with you?
But no, I'm not going to.
I'm not going to just leave herout there like that.
No, absolutely not.
So next question, do you?

(41:22):
Well, we already kind ofcovered that one.
So sorry, oh, we're going toskip forward.
What are the most importantthings I have taught you?

Speaker 2 (41:35):
A lot, like honestly a lot.
I think the biggest three I'mgoing to say are going to be
independence, independence, that, that.
That's that one is so big thatit kind of like it's like an

(41:56):
umbrella underneath independence, really independence.
You taught mom oh, my God, likeyou taught me everything I know
.
So this is one's kind of likeit's the easiest question but
it's the hardest questionBecause it's like there's so
many things you've taught methat I could be like bruh I am
who I am because my mom, likeeverything I know is because of

(42:21):
you.
Financial literacy, justthinking in general, like yeah,
this is a copy and paste of yourbrain almost.

Speaker 1 (42:32):
That's crazy, okay, okay.
So you've taught me, likeunintentional lessons and
intentional lessons, how to.

(42:53):
I would say I mean how to think, but this is the biggest one,
and I always say this like likeI don't think she meant to teach
me this lesson, but truly likehow to think about something
before buying it, even thoughshe now comes to me with that
question All right, mom, thisthing costs this much money,
what you think and it's like youwere the one that used to tell
me you don't need that.

(43:14):
Do you really, mom?
Do you really need that?
That's what she would say to meevery time we went to any store
mom, do you really need that?
And like I hear her voice.
22 years later, still I'm inthe stores and I'm like I hear
Jaila, mom, do you really needthat?
And I all right then, and I'lljust walk away from it.
So number one.
Number two self-reflection.

(43:35):
You've taught me patience.
You've taught me I'm not greatat it yet, but it's actively
working how to remember myself,and you know that I can still
live and I can still have funand I can still be an individual

(43:57):
.
So, and that's, that's somethinglike it's just, it's just with
daily reminders, it's just likeshe gives me perspective, like
this is how I see it, and notjust in a and not not, not even,
just, not even in a sassy way,and not just in saying it, but

(44:17):
kind of like a here are myobservations of how you are,
like maybe you could try thisand like you know stuff like
that, and so those have havereally been very important for
me.
And also she gives meperspective again on on her
brother, my son, and how justjust managing this, everything

(44:42):
that comes with the diagnosis,and and just parenting in
general, because you know, inteaching me how to be a parent,
that's probably and you know,all encompassing is that the way
I'm parenting him.
I appreciate her perspective onbecause now that she's older,
she's able to look at who I wasas a parent and who I am now and

(45:04):
give me that additionalperspective, not just to me but
also to my husband, and that Ididn't like school and I would
do these things and this couldmean this and that's doesn't
seem really fair and it's very,you know, like generalized
approach and not enough aboutthe individual, just all of
these things.
That's just importantperspective and so I I value all

(45:27):
of that.
So, yeah, um, I think yours isthe next question.

Speaker 2 (45:34):
All right.
If you had to choose only threewords, describe me what.
What'd you say?

Speaker 1 (45:42):
Three words.
Hmm, I would say authentic,loyal and Hmm, what do you call

(46:06):
it?
I mean, I'm trying to think ofa word for it.
It's kind of like the way youtreat life.
It's very I don't knowexpectant is not really the word
Like you have, you hold thingsto a high degree, you have a
veryyou have expectations forthings and for yourself and you

(46:27):
know maybe to as you mentioned,it'sit could be to almost to a
detriment you know before andyou're working through that and
also, I think to to a complimentthat you've accomplished so
much because of how you holdyourself in the regard.

(46:50):
So I don't know what the wordis for that, but if, whatever it
is, if there is a word, thatwould be the third word.

Speaker 2 (46:57):
Hmm, yeah, somebody called me entitled yesterday,
you know, but I'm deservingwhatever.
But, Three words I would use todescribe you would be peaceful.
I think you might not think so,but new you is very like.

(47:19):
When I come, like sometimeswhen you're sitting on the couch
, I'll just come sit next to youbecause I'm like man, my mom
gonna like just be cool and justcalm, like she's just gonna
provide this like energy, whereit's like everything gonna be
cool, bro, like it's all gonnabe good.
Um, yeah, peaceful is gonna beone independent to sometimes the
extreme, where it's like it canbe good or bad, because

(47:44):
sometimes I think you evenforget that you're not a single
mom anymore, so you still, youknow, have that mindset.
Um, and I think you'reextremely determined like you
are the best example I can evergive anybody like this you are
going to make nothing intosomething like I don't think

(48:06):
there was, um, ever like a timein my life where I'm like you
know what?
I don't see my mom trying likeyou never stop, like even to
this day, you have never stoppedand I appreciate that a lot.

Speaker 1 (48:23):
Isn't it interesting how a person can see things in
you that you have no idea about?
Um, that's very interesting.
Um, because I aspire toespecially peaceful.
I aspire to be peaceful.
I want to be the kind of personthat comes into a room and

(48:45):
people are like, ah, just youknow, you can just drop your
shoulders and just I want that.
And so to know that I alreadyhave have some of that, that's,
that's pretty cool.
That's pretty cool to hear.
Um, yeah, okay, um, so the thekind of final section we are
going to cover of questioning isgoing to be around family, and

(49:09):
I think that these questionswill incite some additional
conversation, maybe about um,some of the you know things.
We've covered, as far as youknow, neglect and um,
abandonment and things, and solet's get into it.
Um, so the first question howdo you think your friends'

(49:33):
families, compared to ours?
So this is um talking aboutabout?
Are they about as close, closer, more distant, etc.
And why do you think that?

Speaker 2 (49:48):
Um, to be honest, I think my friends not to like be
in a business or nothing, butcompared to us, I think like
they are not as close, theydon't talk as much.
Um, they're just not as open aswe are, and I know that because
every single one of my friends,every single one of them, will

(50:12):
always compliment how me and mymom are so close and how I
remember this one time when youcame out to Atlanta and you made
everybody dinner and this wasjust like.
My friends were kind of likebruh, like this is so strange,
like you're just kind of a partof the group.
I remember when you left or not, when you left, we were going

(50:36):
out and my friends are, like youneed to invite your mom, like
it's like you just becamenaturally a part of like my
friend group.
Now I was like um, she's notgonna come, like absolutely not
like she's not gonna turn upwith us, like that's not who she
is.
But um, definitely see that,that difference there, because
none of my friends have hadtheir moms, not saying my

(50:58):
friends moms wouldn't, but youknow, just being able to because
, look, aliyah mom, yeah, shegonna turn up with us.

Speaker 1 (51:06):
Oh gosh, can't wait to meet you.
Um, okay, I think when I oh man, so I guess it's.
I guess it can be of twodifferent minds, or maybe even
more so when I think about myfriends and their families.

(51:29):
On the one end, if I think justabout the parent-child
relationship much different, um,I would say more distant Um.
But when I think about, likethe family in general, like just
across, like I mean uncles,aunts, grandparents, etc.

(51:50):
I feel that it really dependsUm.
I think I have a few friendsthat have a very similar dynamic
in that they have strainedrelationships with their parents
and others and it's a lot ofconversations that need to be
had and explanations andapologies that needs to be given

(52:11):
Um.
And then there are a couple offriends who I absolutely admire
their dynamic.
They take vacations together,they have family game nights,
they support one another, they,they, you know, help with

(52:32):
childcare, so parents can haveday nights and stuff, but things
like that.
They just they, just they.
And I'm not speaking about you,jaila, yes, she will watch her
brother.
She doesn't restrict it as totwo times a month, I believe was
the contract.
But you know, yeah, I couldtalk to her about that, um, but

(52:53):
yeah, so it really depends, andI think that I don't know why
that is, um, I maybe I meanthat's just their dynamic,
they're just, they're justcloser because they probably
dealt through some things ortalked through some things.
I actually don't know.

(53:13):
I may, I may ask, I may starthaving those conversations, but
um, yeah, that's kind of mythoughts about it.
Um, so the next question, um,would be uh, let's see, okay,
that's on you, jaila.

Speaker 2 (53:33):
Um, all right.
So next question is on a scaleof 1 to 10, how strict are the
parents in this family?
What is the ideal number?

Speaker 1 (53:45):
So I think it would be one of which parents you're
talking about.
So, outside of just Jaila and Iright, this family, this
household, so that would beMarcel and me as parents, right,
um, I'd say on a scale of 1 to10, it depends, because he's a

(54:07):
different parent than me and soI feel like I'm not very strict
in this season of my parenting,um, in that I tend to be more
lucid, and so I'd say, if I gavemyself a number, I'd say I was
like 5.

(54:29):
I'm in the middle Now.
If you keep cutting up, nowwhat I do is, like you know, I
have a, I have a like anodometer, almost.
It's like a thing happens, athing happens, a thing happens
and it just keeps elevating.
And if you get me to the tip ofmy odometer, then I might
respond.

Speaker 2 (54:48):
Bus you.

Speaker 1 (54:52):
But if it's several things over several days, I'm
kind of loose, whereas Marcelit's.
It's more.
He's very much about structureand response and so I may give
him a 7.
It depends.
But he can also be extremelyemotionally charged where our

(55:13):
son has to say a cute thingabout their relationship and
it's like he's like butter allon the floor.
It's terrible.
But I think that's a strengthtoo.
It provides balance.
I think.
Um, I think I don't know ifthere's an ideal number, because
I think the level of strictnessdepends on the child and the

(55:36):
parent and the relationship andwhat is strict?
I mean some someone'sdefinition of strict could be
you getting a whooping, you know, or versus your grounded,
versus you lose your electronicsor something.
You know what I'm saying.
So I don't know if it's anideal number.
I think there's an idealsituation and I think the ideal
situation is very much based oncause and effect and based on

(56:02):
situation and response.
So I don't know Now when we gooutside of this household and
the other parents and when I'mspeaking to my own parents and
my god other parents in ourfamily.
I think it ranges across theboard.

(56:26):
If I'm speaking to my ownparents, my mother was not very
strict at all.
I probably give her a 3.
Sorry, mom, I don't know howyou feel about that, but she was
not very strict.
My father, my father, was astrong 12.
We set a scale of 1 to 10 andmy father was a strong 12.
And it was very, very, verymuch response based, and you

(56:56):
know that's.
You know that's challengingwhen you have someone in the
family who is too strict and youknow the responses are maybe
not appropriate to the situation.
I don't know, I think it, youknow.
Again, it's left up toeveryone's interpretation, but

(57:20):
the numbers definitely varyacross the board.
When I think about those in myfamily right now who are parents
, yeah, what are your thoughts,shayla?

Speaker 2 (57:36):
Speaking to our family, yeah, I would say old
mom, 8, super strict, always gotsomething to say, nothing
positive for real.
And then I think that kind ofstarted to go down once you had

(57:57):
my brother, I think.
Like once brother came in apicture, man, my mom was like a
cool one, she ain't even worried.
I'm just doing what I want todo, getting up out of here,
doing what I got to do and youknow what I'm saying Waking up
and leaving.
So all that mattered as long asthe kitchen was clean before
she got home.
Man, it was a good day, it wasa good day for everybody.

(58:19):
Like, um man, marcel, well, no,well, I guess you.
Now, in regards to like brotherbecause I mean you, I'm 22 now
it's like what strict can you be?
Yeah, brother, on your good day, yeah, I could say 5.
Like, you have expectations forhim.

(58:41):
But you understand that youknow you individualize your
expectations for him, marcel.
Sometimes, sorry Marcel,sometimes Marcel be blowing me.
Marcel, be like a 7, 8.
Sometimes I'd be like, uh,leave my brother alone.
Man, like you, little kid man.
Like dang you yelling at himand stuff.

(59:01):
I don't like that.
But but to be honest, marcel,not even that strict.
But yeah, you all both likesome 5's Y'all just have
expectations.

Speaker 1 (59:14):
Go outside of the house.

Speaker 2 (59:17):
Um, I only know a couple of the parents for real,
like, like you kind of said,speaking outside.
I'm not gonna say no names oranything like that, but I think
that's a individualized strictbehavior too.
Just because some of our familymembers have a lot of stuff
going on that you know, theyhave to do what I guess what's

(59:39):
best for them.
It can range.

Speaker 1 (59:43):
Okay, that was not the response I expected.
I think she's being veryconsiderate maybe.

Speaker 2 (59:50):
Yeah, I'm being respectful, I'm being respectful
.

Speaker 1 (59:53):
That's good, it's just good, it's real good, no
issues with that, okay, I thinkthe next question I mean, yeah,
it's also on discipline.
Well, yeah, strictness anddiscipline, was the discipline

(01:00:13):
in your family fair?
And I guess I mean you canspeak to just your household you
grew up in or go beyond, youknow, maybe your grandma's
household, et cetera, but yeah,was it fair?
Let's talk about that.

Speaker 2 (01:00:27):
No, it was not fair.
Let me tell y'all something.
This woman over here, man, sheused to be just like bro.
I used to get whooped all thetime, not like you know?
Yeah, it was.
It wasn't right, it wasn't fair.
I don't care, you know what shegonna tell me.
Don't do too much.
She the one that did it.
You shouldn't have gave me thestuff to talk about on this

(01:00:49):
podcast.
You shouldn't have did what youdid.
She used to whoop me, bro, andsend me up to my room and then,
when I'd be crying after thewhooping, she'd be like I'm
gonna get you something to cryabout, bro, you just whooped me,
oh my God.
Like, yeah, I'm crying.
What'd you think?
That was okay, I'm just fine.
You just whooped me, you justtore my butt up and then I was a

(01:01:09):
bad liar, bro, like I was.
So I just lied about everythingand anything.
And then she will whoop me forthat and I'm like bro, you used
to lie too.
Like, don't whoop me no more, Iwant to keep doing this.
You always whooping me.
And then she just willoverreact, bro.
She will just blow up thebiggest.
Like the littlest thing wouldbecome the biggest problem, like

(01:01:30):
I wonder if my Auntie Toyalistening, bro, my Auntie Toya,
no, like I used to have to go tomy Auntie Toya and my Auntie
would be like Capri, just calmdown.
You got to really think aboutit, because she's just so mad,
like just come home mad and I'mlike, ah, but not no more, y'all
.

Speaker 1 (01:01:50):
God, no, yeah, a little more.
I mean, yeah, unfiltered.
Okay, don't send the peoplefrom here, send them, um, I
really realized, um, and I'mit's, it's it's chuckling and
stuff, but it's deferral, likethat's.

(01:02:12):
Acknowledging that was hard.
We've addressed that, like youknow, previously before, and so
I think that allows me not tofeel it so deeply today, um, but
when, first, acknowledging itwas hard, it was hard to to face
it Face, um, how angry I wasand why I was so angry, right,

(01:02:36):
um, and then to also have toacknowledge that I hurt someone,
specifically being my child,you know, and that's not some
people you know might belistening and saying, man, we
all got weapons and man, we gotwith my kids big deal.
But, um, if you, just if youtake some time to look at it

(01:02:59):
deeper, like, like I had said tomyself maybe a couple of years
ago that I was shown that youare, you get, you are supposed
to get angry at someone forbeing upset, like, just listen
to that.
Like you get most kids, youknow, get in trouble, get

(01:03:21):
weapons, you know, because theydone something wrong, right, and
so the response to you doingsomething wrong is to get hit
instead of have a conversationinstead of address why you're
doing the thing and maybe what'sgoing on in the household that
contribute into the householdenvironment.

(01:03:42):
Sorry, that contributes to theissue that's coming up and I'm
saying and so if that's theresponse and then there's no
conversation happening, what areyou truly teaching that child
Like?
What are you showing that childabout yourself?
Like, okay, you, you knowyou're in school and you came

(01:04:05):
home with a, with a, you rippedyour pants, I don't know, he was
running in the field on so youripped your pants.
You get whooped for that.
Or you went to the refrigeratorand you you took you ate a
cupcake before dinner.
I don't know, you're in troublefor that.
A lot of that behavior isexpected, adolescent behavior.

(01:04:28):
You're supposed to try things.
You're supposed to experienceand discover.
Children are curious and maybe,if we you know, maybe learn
more about how kids develop andyou know the theories and behind
behaviors and the psychologybehind behaviors as children

(01:04:50):
develop, we might have a betterunderstanding of why they do the
things they do.
And also a lot of the reasonswhy I responded to Jail of the
Way I did is because I hadunacknowledged trauma from
experiencing my own abuse and so, growing up, the response that

(01:05:14):
I received as a child to thingsthat I did taught me that that's
how you respond to yourchildren, because that's what I
learned, and so, acknowledgingdealing with processing again,

(01:05:35):
therapy, coaching or somethingalong those lines can help you
to be a different person and tobe a better parent and to also,
you know, just again, unearthand heal from the stuff you know
, the events that created thattrauma for you.
So, yeah, I just just wanted toadd that, that piece to it.

(01:05:57):
And leading into my response,right, was the discipline in my
family fair?
No, absolutely not.
My mother was not a hugedisciplinarian, my father was.
And it was not fair because,again, it only taught me to be

(01:06:21):
angry.
It didn't teach me how tocommunicate.
It didn't teach me how to sitwith Jaila or any kid or you
know.
Try to understand where thatchild was coming from, what that
child needed from me.
It was you did this.
I'm upset.
Let me show you not to playwith me.
That's what I learned.

(01:06:43):
That's what the discipline inmy family taught me.
Different for everybody.
I totally respect that, but I'mspeaking from my self
perspective in that it wasabsolutely unfair.
So, yeah, so, moving into thenext question what was?

(01:07:05):
I guess we're now.
We're switching over from thenegative a little bit.
What was the best thing aboutyour family, jaila?

Speaker 2 (01:07:20):
What was I want to say?
How close we were.
I mean, especially like growingup I would have been the only
child, but I don't feel like Iwas raised as an only child
because I had my cousins aroundall the time and I really just
liked how we would all gettogether all the time.
It didn't even matter, we wouldjust go over to you, know their

(01:07:44):
house, and just hang out, talk,catch up.
You know, and I kind of missedthat.
I missed that, but I understandthat.
You know, life happens, thingshappen.

Speaker 1 (01:08:01):
I would agree.
I do miss that and I would liketo get on the journey to, to
bringing that back, even with.
One good thing about my fatherof note is that he would make

(01:08:23):
sure we spent time together onfamily trips, I think like three
times a year we will go awayfor Christmas, labor Day, you
know, you know all the likeblack people, I mean, you know
what we.
You know the holidays that weresignificant to most black

(01:08:47):
families were, you know,memorial Day, labor Day and
Christmas, and we would goeither camping or we would go to
Tahoe, to the cabins, everyyear without a miss.
And I missed that and it wassuch a big part of my
adolescence.

(01:09:07):
And I think also Jailas,because when you know when she
was born and we would go, wekept the tradition, if you will
going, and likewise what shesaid, and you know, with other
family, we would just, we, whenChristmas shopping together, we,
we, you know, handed outHalloween candy together, took

(01:09:29):
them trick or treating together.
You know it was, it was a, itwas a real sense of togetherness
and and and life changed.
I think I would love to explorewhen and where, but I think you
know, as you, as your kids getolder.
As you get older, prioritieschange, responsibilities change,

(01:09:50):
expectations change.
And I actually heard a very,very moving kind of quote today
in one of my coaching courseswhere she said if you're, if you
don't deal with your childhoodtrauma, your relationships will.

(01:10:16):
And that moved me in such a waybecause it's like, yeah, like
all of the stuff that you gothrough as a child shows up into
your adulthood and like maybethere's such a point, there's a
point right in life where youget to a certain age and you
start getting triggered and ifyou don't know what those
triggers are, it starts toreally affect you in a deeper

(01:10:39):
way because you know somethinghappened to you at five, six,
seven, eight, whatever.
Now you're 35, six, seven,eight and you're getting
triggered by that and it's doingall of these things to you and
having you respond and react inall of these different ways and,
yes, that's going to changeyour relationships.
And so I mean side note, wereally hope to have someone on

(01:11:03):
here to speak more about thislater on down the line, you know
, as we get deeper into theseepisodes.
But I think that it's it's,it's all a factor, it all plays
an important part.
So move forward to the nextquestion.

Speaker 2 (01:11:23):
All right.
If you could change one thingabout your parents, what would
it have been?

Speaker 1 (01:11:36):
I think one thing I would change was readiness,
because I might have mentionedbut if I did not, in our kind of
birth story episode my motherwas also a teen mom, and so what

(01:12:02):
teen is ready to be a parent,and so that has that plays a big
part in how one is raised.
And so for my father I wouldchange.
I would give him more patience.
I think that he could havedefinitely benefited from having

(01:12:24):
more patience in his life anddealing with his children and
you know other people in hisfamily and could have just made
for a different story.
So what about you?

Speaker 2 (01:12:42):
Well, I wouldn't change anything about you.
I think like you are where youneed to be, so I don't think I
would change anything about you.
And for my dad, I just have himbe there, you know no.

Speaker 1 (01:12:58):
Change his presence?
Yes, yeah, definitely Agreed.

Speaker 2 (01:13:09):
And this next question is kind of I already
answered it, but what are themost important things your
parents have taught you?

Speaker 1 (01:13:19):
Um, for my mom, she, the first thing I feel like she
taught me is, I guess maybe youwill call it my, my, my hustle
effect.
Jaila, you mentioned how I'mgoing to make something out of
nothing.
I'm going to get it done.

(01:13:40):
She has that same quality andalways has always kept the job.
She's always been a greatteacher.
She always, you know, kept anincome.
She, she worked very, very hardto be where she is now and I
that does.
That is not lost upon me, andso she definitely showed me that
.

(01:14:02):
For my father, um, he taught me,maybe he taught me I almost
it's funny because I say I wishthat he had patience, or would I
would change in him, you knowpatience, but I feel like,

(01:14:28):
through the challengingrelationship that it was, he did
teach me patience.
Because, you know, some peoplesay when you have, you know,
difficult parents is theysometimes show you the kind of
parent you don't want to be.
And there were, there were waysin which he parented me that I

(01:14:51):
immediately realized I didn'twant to carry into my into my
parenting with my children.
So he also taught me, I willsay, kind of how to have tough
or thick skin, if you will like,when you're dealing with people

(01:15:11):
you know outside, like he would.
He always had a saying likefrom lady to baby or baby to
lady maybe.
He said basically, no matter whoyou are, if you're not treating
me right, don't expect nothingfrom me.
You know, and even though I dohave problems or challenges

(01:15:36):
excuse me with boundaries andself advocacy I have my limits
and it does not matter who youare and if you're not like, if
you're not being good to me andif you're not feeling my cup,
please don't expect anythingfrom me, and I feel that very
deeply.
So I think that's good.

(01:15:57):
Yeah, that's what I can say tothat.
Yeah, so let's, let's keepmoving forward.
The Jaila what do you think arethe most important things or
qualities I'm sorry of a goodparent?

Speaker 2 (01:16:20):
Um, my first, like I don't know.
I think the most importantquality of being a good parent
is being open, you know, likebeing open to like just anything
, being open to talking, beingopen to do things differently,

(01:16:41):
just being open, I feel like,makes you a great parent and as
long as you're open to changeand whatnot, it should be good.

Speaker 1 (01:16:52):
I agree, I actually agree.
I think to add to that I wouldsay, being flexible, being
willing to self reflect, becausea lot of the times I feel like
parents know that I know bestkind of mentality, when maybe

(01:17:17):
you don't, maybe you really needto take a look at the
perspective of your child alittle more, or you know that
your responses and reactions maybe may be coming from traumatic
places or pain, and so I thinkthat that makes a good parent as

(01:17:38):
well, and just just being there, being present and being
intentionally present, don'tjust sit by your child and be
scrolling on Instagram, but you,because you sit next to them,
I'm here to pick up my son.
You know what I'm saying.
So act to be active.
Like even if you, like I, have avery big imagination, like I

(01:18:01):
still very much have my child.
Like imagination, I will get onthe floor and we will wrestle
or we can play you know, boardgames or imagination.
Like my son is so funny, hewill watch me.
Like like play with his littletoys and like I'll do the voices
for them and like make upstories and he watched me.
Like he watching TV and I'mlike that's cool.

(01:18:22):
I mean like I feel good becauseI'm like, yeah, I have a good
imagination, you know.
So play with your kids, be apart of their, their, their
story, their childhood story,and that's something again
another acknowledged thing thatI did not do with Jaila, and so
now learning from that andinstilling that in myself and

(01:18:45):
trying to do it differently thistime around, right, so be
present with your child.
It's definitely a big qualityof being a good parent, in my
opinion.

Speaker 2 (01:18:58):
Next question I guess this is for me Totally.
Do I want to have kids when Igrow up?
Why or why not?

Speaker 1 (01:19:08):
I mean you could ask me if I want to have more kids.
We could talk.

Speaker 2 (01:19:10):
No you're done, oh no , you're not having any more
kids.
Anyway, like what Wow?

Speaker 1 (01:19:27):
Okay, so I'm tired you tie.

Speaker 2 (01:19:30):
I am tired, you tired .
I raised three kids and I'mhelping with the four.

Speaker 1 (01:19:36):
She helping.

Speaker 2 (01:19:37):
I'm helping.

Speaker 1 (01:19:38):
Don't let her.

Speaker 2 (01:19:40):
You're going to really take away from what I
done, did for this family too.
You're going to take that awayfrom me.

Speaker 1 (01:19:47):
Jaila, I'm not trying to say that you haven't been a
very active.

Speaker 2 (01:19:53):
I help raise brother.

Speaker 1 (01:19:56):
I mean what is helping me?
Don't let these people thinkI'm out here.
No, I'm not saying you're ahorrible parent but I help you
do.

Speaker 2 (01:20:10):
Okay then, but you not to the point of tired.
Well then, first three, tiredme out, okay, that's not on me.

Speaker 1 (01:20:17):
Then first three Jaila has seven siblings, by the
way.
Eight, eight, eight Are you?
Eight Are you?

Speaker 2 (01:20:27):
nine.
Oh, my God, I think I'm theninth.

Speaker 1 (01:20:30):
No.

Speaker 2 (01:20:31):
Because mom is four of us right, but brother really
takes me over in that fourcategory, and then it's four of
them over there in Texas, sothat's eight.
And then I'm the ninth.

Speaker 1 (01:20:40):
Jaila has eight siblings.
Only one Other is mine, onlyone, hallelujah, mother.
Okay so, yes, okay.
So how about just get to thequestion Do you want kids?

Speaker 2 (01:20:57):
When I think about it and like I'm not talking to a
dude or nothing like that andI'm just like it's just me in my
mind no, like I think kids areannoying expensive.
I think right now in my life Ithink because I'm so selfish
with my time and who I am rightnow that I don't want kids

(01:21:17):
because I know I won't be ableto give them what they need and
just because I feel like thisworld is so screwed up.
Why would I even want to bringlike somebody into this?
They didn't ask to be here, soI'm not going to just force them
to live this life because it'shard out here and I don't like

(01:21:38):
it.
Sometimes I'd be like, oh, youcould just go.

Speaker 1 (01:21:42):
You could have just you could have stopped this.
Oh my God.
Jaila always says that I didn'task to be here.

Speaker 2 (01:21:48):
I didn't ask to be here and now I got to deal with
these struggles.
I don't want to deal with this.

Speaker 1 (01:21:52):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (01:21:54):
But yeah, I think there have been guys that I've
talked to that made me be likethat, made me like think, like
maybe like kids is like kind ofcool, like you kind of got a
little little legacy going on.
You're leaving your little markon earth and stuff and somebody
come carry your name and youknow.
But I got my little sister skytoo, so she could be like my.

(01:22:16):
She looked just like me.
So, hey, I got a little twinsomewhere over here.

Speaker 1 (01:22:22):
You just had all the young man thinking that might
have been me.
Sorry.

Speaker 2 (01:22:27):
It's not a lot of them, only three, I'm just
kidding.
Only only two made me like belike dang.
I could probably have kids withthis man one day Not right now,
though.
Oh, he's been a killer.

Speaker 1 (01:22:40):
Oh, he's been a killer.
They're thinking it's all good.
It's all good, everything'swonderful, it's all good, okay,
jaila.
So the next question is for youas well what kind of parent, if

(01:23:00):
you have children, what kind ofparent will you be?

Speaker 2 (01:23:07):
I've always said that I'm gonna be like the really
cool mom.
I don't know.
I just feel like, whatever mykids, I just feel like, oh, I
was as a kid, my kids probablynot gonna be no better and they
gonna do what they want to do,or they just gonna hide it from
me really well.
So I rather them just tell me,like if you're doing drugs, just

(01:23:29):
whether you're doing the houseor if you having sex, just tell
me so, like we can get you likesome birth control or something.
I just want to be like, I justwant to make sure like they can
respect me, but I don't wantthem to feel like they have to
do anything they don't want todo, period.

(01:23:51):
I'm gonna be that really coolmom, like I mean girls.
When she walked in she was likey'all need anything.

Speaker 1 (01:23:57):
Please don't be like that.
I'm just kidding, I'm auppercut them.

Speaker 2 (01:24:01):
Yeah, y'all gonna see me on Dr Phil.

Speaker 1 (01:24:05):
Your husband will hopefully balance all that out
and grandma gonna come and wegonna.
They probably gonna do anythingthey want.
Honestly, I'm gonna be yeah,I'm sure I'm gonna be that
grandma.
If she does decide to have kids, they gonna get everything they
need and she probably will haveto ask for them back.

(01:24:27):
No, what you mean.

Speaker 2 (01:24:31):
Keep them, kids FDK.

Speaker 1 (01:24:35):
Chah, you are doing too much at the end of this show
, man.
Okay, our final question beforewe wrap up Do you, I mean, do
you think you are close to yoursibling?

Speaker 2 (01:24:57):
Some of them super close, love them to death.
The other ones I never even meta day in my life.

Speaker 1 (01:25:04):
Okay, Okay.
What do you do?
You think that you'll ever meetthem?

Speaker 2 (01:25:11):
I hope not.

Speaker 1 (01:25:13):
You really think, you really do I hope not, why?

Speaker 2 (01:25:17):
Because if them little monsters is hearing this
podcast, when they grow up theygonna see I ain't like they
daddy, not definitely ain't likethey mama.
So they might go, just stayaway from me.

Speaker 1 (01:25:28):
Yeah, I think, jaylin , I think you took that off like
out of me, that the way you cansay things so freely like that,
like I can't Like, oh my God,okay.

Speaker 2 (01:25:40):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (01:25:41):
I respect it, but I hope that y'all do eventually
meet.

Speaker 2 (01:25:48):
No FDK Now.
Mom, do you think you're closeto your siblings?

Speaker 1 (01:25:53):
You just gonna push me off like that, okay, um, so I
also.
Well, I guess Jaylin has mebeat.
There are a lot of us as well,and unfortunately, no, I am not

(01:26:14):
close to all of my sibling.
I was close to some of them ata point.
Today, I am closer to only oneof them.
However, I hope that that canchange a lot change.

(01:26:40):
We all came from a complicatedpast.
We all experienced some things,and after my father passed
which seems to be common infamilies we all kind of
dispersed and disconnected.

(01:27:02):
And now we're I mean just aboutall of us are grown.
The youngest one is, I mean,he's not grown yet, but he's,
you know, he's in his teen yearsand on his way through, and so,
yeah, I hope to change that.
I would like it to be different, very, very much so.

(01:27:24):
But you know it takes work andI'm ready to do the work though.
So, um, so that was our finalquestion.
You've, you know, rolledthrough this thing with us.
We're, we're.
Thank you for listening andtuning in to this conversation.

(01:27:46):
We hope you've enjoyed it.
We will be talking more aboutdifferent, you know, other
topics in coming episodes.
We really want to touch on agrief and loss and mental health
coming very soon.
So stay tuned.
As a reminder, we drop everyWednesday, once a week and

(01:28:13):
please, you know, make sure tosubscribe, follow us on
Instagram, leave us a review,comments, you know, all of those
things that let's talk later.
Pot on Instagram and thepodcast is available, you know,
on all the major streamingplatforms and we appreciate you
and we hope, as usual, thatthese conversations inspire and

(01:28:36):
incite conversations in your ownfamilies and relationships.
Um Jaila, any parting comment?

Speaker 2 (01:28:47):
No.

Speaker 1 (01:28:49):
As always.
That's Jaila Per.
Thank you for joining us again,and we will see you on the next
side, see you.
Bye.