September 27, 2023 • 59 mins
Have you ever felt the deep emotions left behind by losing a loved one? Join us as we traverse the rough terrain of grief and loss. We open our hearts and share how the passing of cherished ones has etched profound changes in our lives. With no roadmap or timelines for grief, we all stumble toward acceptance, the final stage, after denial, anger, bargaining, and depression.
Life seldom leaves us time to mourn. Our daily routines, relationships, and responsibilities often fail to accommodate our need to grieve. In our candid conversation, we shed light on how grief seeps into our everyday lives and relationships. From personal experiences to collective wisdom, we underscore the importance of compassion, patience, and the support of our communities as we navigate the murky waters of loss. We urge ourselves and you, our listeners, to extend grace during these testing times and respect the unique ways each person copes with their grief.
The bond between a parent and child forms the bedrock of our lives. The untimely demise of a parent can shatter this foundation. But even amidst grief, a ray of hope shines - the opportunity to restore bonds, to heal. A poignant part of our conversation also nudges you to express your love and gratitude towards your loved ones now, rather than be tainted with regret later. As we wind up, we leave you with resources to aid you on your journey towards healing and acceptance. So tune in, for a heartfelt conversation about grief, loss, and healing.
Resources:
The Process of Coping with Grief and Loss - Psychology Today : https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everyday-life-simplified/202109/the-process-coping-grief-and-loss
SAMHSA's National Helpline: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
Helping Someone Who's Grieving: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, good morning, good afternoon for VR in the
world.
Welcome back to let's TalkLater.
I'm your host, afree, and today, on episode four of our podcast
, we are going to be talkingabout grief and loss.
We'll be, you know, justsharing kind of some facts, some
(00:27):
information, having just candidconversation and sharing, as
usual, our own perspectives andexperiences in that realm.
So we're recording.
It's a Friday morning right now.
You'll be hearing this on aWednesday, obviously.
How are we?
(00:50):
How am I?
I'm coming down with something,something unfortunately, but
I'm okay, I'm in a good mood, Ithink, Fairly good mood.
How about you, jayla?
Okay, cool, you're just so likelike I don't know Succinct, is
(01:17):
that the right word Like youknow, like I feel like I just
talk, and you're just likemm-hmm.
Good, okay, she's shrugging hershoulder at me, so I'm gonna
keep going.
So, yeah, yeah, so let's getinto it.
So grief by definition, grief isa response to a significant
(01:42):
loss.
It's all-encompassing, right.
It's emotional, it's physical,it's social and it's cognitive.
Usually, when we say grief, wetalk about, you know, usually
talking about the loss of aloved one.
But grief is you can grieve theloss of self, the loss of
(02:03):
health, the loss of arelationship, you can grieve the
loss of a job.
It's really just about thatkind of that reaction, response
right to a loss of something.
And so just wanted to kind ofgive you an overview of that.
And there are psychologists andtherapists and psychiatrists
(02:29):
have kind of deemed five stagesof grief, right, and in no
particular order.
And those five stages aredenial, anger, bargaining,
depression and acceptance.
And so, again, it's cyclicalbut it's in no particular order.
(02:49):
You can bounce from one to theother for years and you know,
according to psychology todaythere is no timeline right, and
I think that pretty much goeswithout saying that okay, yeah,
grief is gonna last five yearsor 10 years or whatnot.
The goal right, the end goal,is acceptance, as you get to a
(03:11):
point where you can smile andkind of just, you know nicely,
remember that loved one or thatsituation or laugh at it and not
feel, you know, so much sadness.
So that's kind of the end goalright, but that's different for
everyone when that's gonnahappen.
So now that we've got theparticulars out of the way,
(03:36):
let's dive into kind ofexperience around grief and loss
.
So, jaila, I think it would begood maybe to start kind of with
your experience of grief and,like I said, you know we're just
(03:58):
having kind of conversation,right and so, of any loss, like
what's the first loss or majorloss that comes to your mind
(04:35):
when she says, pa, pa, that's myfather.
Oh, man, it's been.
I can't even remember how longit's been.
No, almost 12 years maybe, Idon't remember, but it's been at
(04:56):
least a decade.
I'll say that.
And so what was that experiencelike for you?
Thank you, okay.
(05:23):
So what, like what would yousay was?
(05:47):
I mean, you were young?
Right, you were.
I mean it had to be more than10 years ago, because that would
have meant you were only 12.
So you were definitely youngerthan that, but, from your memory
, like, what was yourperspective?
Because, right, I have myperspective of him as my father,
but what was?
What was your perspective ofhim?
(06:07):
Like your relationship?
Do you remember the nickname hegave you?
Maybe I don't remember that one.
You remember White Chick?
No, okay, yeah, oh, I don'tknow, maybe he did.
(06:44):
Well, that's what he would sayto me.
Yeah, that's my little WhiteChick.
I don't know, this is going toroot, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay
(07:31):
, I think that that does tend tohappen too, because while, as
you say, you were a sponge foreverybody else.
Like you were sad because yousaw others sad.
Like I think that was a part ofmy group grief as well To see
(07:52):
how everyone else was respondingwas overwhelming, and so
sometimes I didn't know Is thismy sadness or is it someone
else's sadness that I'm feeling?
Because everybody said allaround you, everybody's crying,
everybody has a story to share,and it's like, oh, we're all sad
(08:14):
.
And then everybody was gettingtattoos and so I was like, oh, I
should get a tattoo as well.
I mean that sounds crazy, butthat's really the reason why I
got.
It's like a kind of in memorytattoo I have on my chest.
And it was not of my own.
I mean, obviously I made thedecision because I went and got
(08:36):
it and paid for it, but it waskind of like everyone was doing
it in some fashion, so I shoulddo it too.
Yeah, also still very young whenhe died and still very
impressionable and still kind oflike not of my own mind.
(08:57):
So, yeah, I get it.
It makes sense.
So, with what you said, jaila,like you don't feel like you
were sad, do you feel like itaffected your life, like who you
(09:18):
are today, like, when you thinkabout him or any memories you
have of him, do you feel or doyou experience anything.
You feel like it's like longterm grief, like did you grieve
him or was it just kind of likethat's your first loss
(09:40):
experience?
Yeah, well, that was definitelymy well, not my first loss
(10:15):
experience, but maybe my firstgrief experience, because I
think the first loss Iexperienced was like my great
aunt I don't think you ever mether, lynette and that was
complicated because I think Iwas.
(10:36):
I actually was probably the sameage you were when Paul Paul
died.
I feel like I was maybe likeseven or something, but I was
very young.
And that was complicatedbecause at that age, who do you
really know?
(10:56):
Well, I guess, like thinkingabout her, like I remember
things about her, but not likean endearing relationship, like
we shared memories, like I havenothing and that's not to take
anything away from anyone, youknow, may her soul rest in peace
, of course but I was so youngit was like, oh, past, okay, all
(11:22):
right, so everyone's sad, likewhat do we do now?
And really like and it wasprobably the same for you.
I'd love to know, though, likeI don't know for me when people
passed when I was younger, therewas no like conversation about
it, like what it means or how Ifelt or anything.
(11:45):
Did you get that no-transcript?
(12:27):
Um, the older I get, I'm slowlyrealizing these things like I
don't know if free listeners outthere if this is true or not
for your families, but we tendnot to talk about things in
general.
I mean again, that brings usback to the reason for the birth
(12:47):
of this podcast is like thoseconversations that are not being
had and have never been had,and I don't know if it's just
the, it's just things happen andthen you just keep living, you
just keep going about life.
Like, as you mentioned, youknow, I called her Granny.
Granny passed.
(13:08):
This is my grandmother, hergreat grandmother.
I was at work and like we knewshe was going to pass because
she was in the hospital for alittle while with different, you
know, systems failing.
We knew it was coming and thenwhen it was final, it was just
(13:31):
like oh, wow, okay, and wedidn't talk about it, like it
was just kind of a.
I don't even remember.
Like the funeral.
I remember bits and pieces ofit, pieces of it.
Do you remember her funeral?
No, yeah, it's.
(13:53):
It's actually pretty crazy.
Everything just happened andthen you just wake up and you
just keep going, like you justkeep going forward.
I don't know, that's just theway it's always been handled,
like there was no kind ofprocess but how I get?
Maybe no one knew how toprocess, but anyway, that's
(14:18):
that's.
You know, something to besolved, right, something to be
worked at, something to bebetter understood.
Because even now, like you know, thinking, okay, how do you
process grief?
You know, I'm sure a part of itis, you know, connecting with
others.
You know feeling through youremotions, talking about it,
(14:41):
journaling, therapy, you knowthe usual steps, but I mean, I'm
sure there's a more finiteprocess to to, you know,
processing grief, right, so,anyhow.
(15:02):
So who would you say Jaila?
Then you know you've had theselosses right, from your
grandfather to your greatgrandmother, to your great aunt
that you never met.
You know all of these things.
What would you say?
Or would you say you have had asignificant loss.
And when you say grandma, youmean Okay, I just want to be
(15:42):
clear to the people, because youknow you have a mom side and a
dad side and all that stuff.
So what tell us about her?
I mean, I know about her, butyou know, our listeners talk a
little bit about her and thatrelationship.
Come on, tim, you don't want to.
(16:13):
He doesn't want to talk aboutthe deepness of it.
See, I think this is importantthough, because where, at what
point, you know, and not to rush, of course, there's no rush on
when somebody is ready to, orallowed to, process, but I mean,
(16:38):
does it?
Do you think this means you'renot ready to process it?
Yeah, okay, well, we don't haveto, obviously, we don't have to
go into that.
We can, you know, talk aboutother experiences.
(17:03):
I'm happy to, happy to won'tsay happy, but you know, I
honestly don't know if I've hada significant loss.
One would think that my fatherwas a significant loss.
(17:23):
He was a complicated loss.
Honestly, I felt grief and Ifelt frustration and I felt
anger and I felt almost arelease, in a way.
(17:44):
And so, you know, while Jailamentioned that she saw me, so
sad I was because I was so sad,while I say, my father and I had
a very hard or not hard.
(18:04):
We had a tense relationship andthere were many hurdles that we
had to get through, you know,together in like the year, even
year, year and a half before hepassed, things seemed to be
(18:27):
changing.
We talked more, he apologizedfor a lot of things and things
were just changing things.
The relationship was findingits way to kind of a normal, if
(18:48):
you will.
We were healing, I think, andthen he passed, and so it was
just like.
I think I was upset about thatthe most because it's like wow,
like right, when this couldreally, you know, be the
beginning of some major healingwork, I lose them.
(19:09):
So it's like well dang, youknow.
So that was really frustratingfor me and so I was sad a lot
and again, even though ourrelationship wasn't great, it
wasn't even good for a long timeI felt like I had lost a
(19:31):
protector.
You know, as a young girl inthe world with a daughter a
young daughter at that, and allof these, you know different
types of men around and thingshappening.
You know it's nice to have adad, an uncle, a grandfather, a
(19:53):
brother.
You know somebody who you cancall on to protect you, and
that's the biggest memory I have.
Like the deepest feeling I haveof the loss is that I don't have
anyone to call on forprotection if something happens
to me, if some guys slapped meor something.
(20:14):
You know what I'm saying Likeanything, who do I call?
And so I felt that very deeplyand so I think that that was
kind of a part of the reasonthat, again, in the shared grief
right of everyone around me, Ithink that was the beginning of
(20:36):
discovering kind of my ownhardness, if you well, I don't
even know if I'd call itstrength I just became hard
because I felt like I had to be.
And then, you know, if youlisten to our previous episode,
we talked about Jaila's dad andhow he was absent.
You know, I had to be hardbecause I didn't have a
protector, and then harderbecause she didn't have an
(20:59):
active father, and so I justgave myself those roles and I
hardened.
And you know, because of that,a lot of other things happened,
being, you know, loss ofrelationships and loss of self
and you know, burnout andanxiety and all of these other
things, right.
(21:19):
So it again healing and therapyand connection and recovery,
and it's still a journey.
So that's important to rememberthat there's no timeline for
any of this.
It's really just about theeffort you put in the work, you
(21:40):
put in your output, right, it'sreally, really about that.
So I do want to talk a littlebit about Jaila's grandma,
because I think her story is onethat is both amazing and
(22:01):
impactful.
And while I could neverempathize the loss because it
was a great, great loss I didgrieve her because, while, you
know, the father was absent, shewas very, very present, I mean
(22:26):
very present, and she was just amatriarch in so many ways and
you know, she just loved Jailato the depths of her soul and
(22:47):
would do anything for her.
And she accepted me and youknow, not that she had to accept
me, but she treated me as if Iwas just another daughter.
You know, I was just.
I was family too, and I reallyappreciated that, because you
(23:08):
know my issues with neglect.
It felt good to be acknowledgedand included and you know I
looked at her as a source ofwisdom and you know I had great,
great respect for her and Iwould take her to Michaels and
(23:29):
she liked to do like you know,like crafting and stuff, and she
would make little like jewelrypieces and stuff, and so we
would go to Michaels and shewould get like all these beads
and such and it was just goodtime she would.
You know we'd get a bottle ofwine, and you know we would.
We would have a glass togetherand she would have jokes and
(23:52):
stories, and I just I feel likeI got to know her more in maybe
her last five years of life thanI ever had before, because I
felt, I made the assumption that, because of this tension
between her son and I, that shewould maybe have tension with me
(24:16):
, because you know, familysticks together, especially a
mother and her son.
But that wasn't it.
Although she wanted very muchto excuse him and try to have us
(24:37):
understand a differentperspective, she knew and she
just focused on her love and herrelationship with Jaila and I,
and so I think that was a goodmove, honestly, because you know
, if you focus so much on whatyou don't have and who isn't
(24:59):
doing what and who you knowwhat's not enough, then
oftentimes you don't get toexperience the fullness of what
you do have, and so I think thather doing that was very
important.
Jaila, would you be willing toshare a memory of her?
(25:21):
No, okay, well, I think it'sdefinitely something that your
body is ready to process.
I think, just because of yourresponse right now and listeners
(25:47):
, you're getting the full.
I mean, you can't see, but I'msure you can maybe even feel
just right away the emotion thatcomes from processing grief for
someone that you've lost andit's not I hope that it's never
(26:12):
something that is pushed downand pushed away, because it's
just like a seed you push itinto the dirt, it's gonna come
to the surface.
It's supposed to come to thesurface so that it can bloom
into something else and that'shealing and processing, right.
I'll say that what I thinkabout this loss, I think so.
(26:46):
Jaila was, and I don't, I darenot, try and speak for her, so
I'm just sharing my perspectiveof what I saw.
She was obviously young still,I mean she's only 22 now but
when she passed she was in highschool and, like we mentioned
(27:13):
earlier, we didn't talk about Imean, we talked about the person
, her grandmother, memories andstories and would bring it up.
But how to Again, how does onetruly process grief, to find
(27:34):
grief partners and makeconnections and talk therapy, et
cetera, and I don't think anyof that really happened.
I think it was just anotherlike boom.
This happened, now what?
And Jaila had shared, becausewe talked about this a little
(28:00):
before that.
She had to kind of like pulltogether memories from, like the
year after, I think, she passed, because she kind of felt like
she went on autopilot a littlebit and kind of just kind of
maybe closed off, if you will.
I've definitely done thatbefore.
(28:22):
I mean, I mentioned that in thebirth story podcast, where,
after I had her, there are a lotof memories that I can't pull
together anymore.
I think, because when youexperience something significant
in your life and you don't havethe tools, the resources, the
(28:46):
people around you to help you,like, pull everything together,
you do kind of go numb, you goon autopilot because you don't
know what to do with all of theemotion that comes with that.
Right, I'm really hopeful thatthat becomes a new system in our
(29:08):
family and in your families aswell, because there's just so
many of us kind of like lettinglife happen and we're just kind
of continuing through andwondering why we have headaches,
wondering why our health isdeclining, wondering why we're
(29:32):
we have mood disorders and we'resnapping and we're irrational
and we're frustrated.
It's a lot of the times theexperts say that it's due to the
lack of process, because you'vehad a traumatic event or a
traumatic experience that youhave not healed through, you
(29:55):
have not talked about you havenot processed.
I feel like I'm going to saythat word a thousand times.
It's very important.
It's critical to the familystatus and mental and physical
wellness as well.
My grandfather passed earlierthis year on my mother's side.
(30:19):
I mean, I didn't cry because Ididn't know him.
I knew who he was.
I've experienced him in my lifebut there was no significant
relationship.
For years and years of my lifehe was in prison and in and out
(30:49):
of prison, and when he wasn't inprison I don't really know
where he was.
That's difficult.
I feel like, even though Ididn't grieve in what would be a
typical experience or whatgrief would normally, if you
will, look like there is stillsomething there to be processed
(31:12):
because while I didn't have arelationship with him, I didn't
know him well.
I didn't have a relationshipand I didn't know him well.
That's a loss as well, becausewhen you get up in life and you
want to have family around, youwant to maintain and build new
(31:38):
connections.
As you get older, I feel likeit's the need for that changes.
For me, it's a missedopportunity a grandfather that I
could have known.
I could have had a relationshipthat could have been much
better when I lost my father andlost that sense of protection
(32:02):
that could have filled that area.
There's still processing.
I think that needs to happen.
Being there for my mom,wondering if she's processing
and how she's feeling through itand thinking about it.
So just conversations andcommunication.
That is really, really missingaround these critical life
(32:27):
events.
It's not happening, I think,adding to the falling of the
black family structure.
I say that because that's theonly family structure that I
have experience and perspectivewith, but it is because
(32:49):
conversations are not being had,connections are not being made.
These generations, these lastmaybe three, four generations,
the priorities are differentfrom what I can see and what I
can tell.
I just want to put that outthere as a reminder again.
(33:10):
In this holistic healing thatreally needs to happen.
Hopefully, the more we say itand speak to it, the more likely
it is to present itself in thespaces where it's needed.
(33:31):
I want to ask you, jaila, do youremember your other grandfather
?
No, yeah, he was very.
Yeah, I don't think he wasaround much.
I mean maybe when you were ababy.
But other than that, like Isaid, either in you know,
(33:57):
unfortunately, either in prisonor elsewhere.
So I see you look like you'rekind of still processing.
Do you have anything you wantto share, just in general on the
(34:18):
topic?
It doesn't have to be aboutyour grandmother, just anything
on the topic.
Just thinking about loss orloss of a relationship, loss of
a certain part of you, oranything that's based.
Well, I can prompt you withsome questions.
(34:43):
I'm happy to do that.
So if we move away from theloss of the loved one and we
move into a space of the loss of, maybe, self or relationships,
can you speak to either of thoseand, with a mind that something
(35:10):
was like really impactful foryou?
Okay, we had to take a quickintersession and breathe and
(35:33):
Jaila journal and we're back andwe're ready.
So we're telling and we'rebeing raw here, right, so we're
back and I think we are ready tocontinue and have this really
good conversation now.
So I'm really going to sit backand allow Jaila to flow a
(35:58):
little bit.
I'll pop in with questions, butI really want you to take this
time and use it as your platformand however you want.
I said I'll have promptquestions, but I really want to
make this time yours.
I did a lot of you know.
I just don't feel like,honestly, I'm grieving very much
(36:24):
.
So I would just like, jaila, asa beginning, let's dip our toe
in the water right and tell usabout your grandmother.
You, I think I just want totake this moment and give you a
(38:42):
silent round of applause,because the way it was affecting
you before we took anintercession and now you
acknowledge you felt through it.
You did what you had to do andyou said let's go.
You know, let's, let's continuethe conversation.
(39:03):
I was offering to likecompletely change the topic, but
Jaila wanted to continue and soI think that's.
That's extraordinary, it's verystrong of you, it's.
It's just just just kudos toyou, because that's not a
typical response.
(39:23):
So just just good for you fordoing that.
So your grandma, like you said,yeah, she was, she was a lot of
things for you, right, and itwas almost like a double loss.
I get that, you know, becauseshe filled that absence leftover
(39:49):
from your father.
So a question.
So again, like I said, I have acouple questions, right, what's
your favorite memory about her?
Okay, awesome, when she passed,did you feel like you needed to
(41:05):
hide your grief?
Yeah, I can, I can definitelyunderstand that.
(43:01):
Again, I think.
I think it'd be really great tokind of like again look at right
, just just for for Jaila, formyself, for anyone that is
(43:21):
experiencing a grief, a seasonof grief, a situation in life,
to to really look at what arekind of like recommended steps
to process grief, because we asa people should know how to do
that, because loss is a part oflife.
(43:43):
Loss is going to happen, youknow one day.
I'm not even gonna put that outthere, but you know loss is
going to happen and so I thinklearning and experiencing and
understanding how to processgrief is a beneficial tool.
So next thing I want to ask isare there feelings today that
(44:14):
when you reflect on, like thepast, like what did you need
back then, when you first heardit, the the year after, just
into life, like what did youneed from people around you,
(44:35):
what did you need from yourself,as you kind of, you know, went
through that?
It makes a lot of sense.
(47:49):
Going back to those five stages,right, If you follow the
spectrum, anger is the secondemotion in the stages of grief.
So that definitely makes senseand just the content in which
you just shared it definitelymakes sense why you were upset
(48:10):
and so I think even, yeah, itjust makes me kind of feel.
Not feel, but think about how,when things happen in life, kind
of people, instead of like itbeing a collective thing, like
coming, coming together and Ithink that's what's missing in
like the process of grief orprocessing of grief, is the
(48:35):
connectedness.
But instead of coming together,people are so much about self
like what do I feel?
What do I think, what do I want, instead of we, especially from
the parent, child perspective.
When you're grieving as aparent, it's important to
remember your children aregrieving too, whether it's the
loss of the other parent orgrandparent, whoever it be in
(48:58):
the family, they're grieving too, and so it's very important not
to say, hey, forget about whatyou're going through.
This is what I'm going through,but what are we going through?
The unit, the connection.
I remember when my, when my dadpassed, we had family that came
(49:21):
down from the South, of course,for the funeral and everything,
and there was a person withinthat family that came down in a
room full of us children andaunts and whoever it was.
Just I just remember a bunch ofpeople.
I really don't remember who itwas, but she said she pointed to
(49:41):
my stepmother and said she'shurting more than anybody else
in this room.
Give her that respect.
And in that moment I said tomyself how dare you not that she
(50:02):
isn't hurting, because that washer husband?
Obviously she's hurting, buthow dare you dismiss everyone
else's pain in this room?
You do not have that authority,you do not have that place and
that's shame on you.
I'm sorry.
I'm not sorry.
Shame on you, because everyonein that room was hurting in
(50:26):
their own way, into their owndegree.
You cannot say that someone'sgrieving worse than someone else
, I mean unless it's, even ifit's physically showing.
Say, you have two peoplesitting next to each other
grieving their sister just pastor something right, somebody on
the floor just crying andscreaming, and then the other
(50:46):
person just sitting thereperfectly still.
Someone without you know, Ifeel like common sense would say
, oh, the person that's fallenout is grieving more.
That's not true.
That's not automatically true,because people grieve
differently.
That person that's sittingthere perfectly still could be
(51:07):
zoned TF out and in their headall of that that fallen out,
that screaming, that, everythingthat's happening internally,
and so that's not fair.
And so I caution people fromsaying that somebody is
experiencing something worsethan anyone or someone else,
(51:29):
because you do not know.
So just putting that piece outthere.
(53:35):
It's easy, I think, to get inthat space because if grief is
heavy enough, it's, you know.
It's easy for you to feel likeyou're feeling so much, so
deeply, that it can very muchseem like you're like alone in
(53:57):
your feelings, Like I am feelingthis and no one else, like it
doesn't even matter about anyoneelse, especially at such a
young age, especially with somuch responsibility assumed and
unassumed, especially with youknow, every, you know the lack
of processing with the lack of,you know, a safe, supportive
(54:19):
environment, just all of thosethings.
Like I can understand how youwould feel that way.
But you know that's a part ofthe learning process as well.
Is I did that, I felt thatmaybe that wasn't the right way.
You know, and you know inretrospect you find healing and
(54:44):
that's another very importantthing I think people need to
remember is that just becauseyou did something or acted or
reacted some way, you know, fiveyears ago, five months ago, if
you are able to reflect on that,find you know the lesson in it
and then change that positionand move forward correctly,
(55:09):
that's a win.
So many people are holding on towhat they did or didn't do in
the past and not allowingthemselves to forgive that part
of them.
Because you grow up, you changeyour perspective, change your
experience, things Even.
I mean I know this episodeisn't all about absentee parents
(55:33):
at all, but I think that's apart of that's a perspective.
I've heard from an absenteeparent before that it's too late
, they hate me, I can't comeback, it's too much.
It's too late.
It's not.
I don't think it's ever toolate to at least try.
(55:54):
I don't think it's ever toolate in any situation,
especially as the parent.
It's never too late.
I am 36, 76 years old and Istill call my mom.
I still want my mom, heropinion, her advice.
I just sometimes I just want tosit next to her and watch a
movie.
You know, it's just and I'mgrown and someone say, oh,
(56:18):
you're grown now or it's toolate, but no, it's very much.
The parent child relationshipis lifelong.
It does not stop at 18, 19, 21.
It does not.
So just want to put that piecein there.
So, moving forward, just onemore question for you, jayla Is
(56:45):
there anything that you wouldsay to your grandma or wish you
could have said?
That you would say today, ifyou're willing to share that
no-transcript, but you feel likethere was no unfinished
(57:55):
business with her, because manypeople I feel like you know you
hear people in grief they say Iwish I could have told them I
loved them more.
I wish that I wouldn't have saidthis, I wish I wouldn't have
hung up.
You know they have all thesewishes after someone passes, but
to say that, you know, I justwanted to be there, I think, I
think that that you know, not atall telling you how you should
(58:20):
feel, but were it me, I wouldfeel good about that, you know,
because I think that's that's abig deal to not have regrets
about a relationship, aboutsomething or about something
said or unsaid.
So, yeah, just just accoladesall the way around.
(58:41):
So I think with that, we'regoing to go ahead and wrap this
episode up.
It's been, I feel, like areally good one and I'm very
happy that we had thisconversation and I we will
(59:01):
include some resources aboutgrief processing in the show
notes.
Please review those if you feellike they'll be a helpful tool
for you or someone that you love, and keep an eye out for us
next week as we journey into ournext topics.
I hope it's been good for youso far and we look forward to
(59:23):
talking more.
Thank you.
Hello, good morning, good afternoon for VR in the
world.
Welcome back to let's TalkLater.
I'm your host, afree, and today, on episode four of our podcast
, we are going to be talkingabout grief and loss.
We'll be, you know, justsharing kind of some facts, some
(00:27):
information, having just candidconversation and sharing, as
usual, our own perspectives andexperiences in that realm.
So we're recording.
It's a Friday morning right now.
You'll be hearing this on aWednesday, obviously.
How are we?
(00:50):
How am I?
I'm coming down with something,something unfortunately, but
I'm okay, I'm in a good mood, Ithink, Fairly good mood.
How about you, jayla?
Okay, cool, you're just so likelike I don't know Succinct, is
(01:17):
that the right word Like youknow, like I feel like I just
talk, and you're just likemm-hmm.
Good, okay, she's shrugging hershoulder at me, so I'm gonna
keep going.
So, yeah, yeah, so let's getinto it.
So grief by definition, grief isa response to a significant
(01:42):
loss.
It's all-encompassing, right.
It's emotional, it's physical,it's social and it's cognitive.
Usually, when we say grief, wetalk about, you know, usually
talking about the loss of aloved one.
But grief is you can grieve theloss of self, the loss of
(02:03):
health, the loss of arelationship, you can grieve the
loss of a job.
It's really just about thatkind of that reaction, response
right to a loss of something.
And so just wanted to kind ofgive you an overview of that.
And there are psychologists andtherapists and psychiatrists
(02:29):
have kind of deemed five stagesof grief, right, and in no
particular order.
And those five stages aredenial, anger, bargaining,
depression and acceptance.
And so, again, it's cyclicalbut it's in no particular order.
(02:49):
You can bounce from one to theother for years and you know,
according to psychology todaythere is no timeline right, and
I think that pretty much goeswithout saying that okay, yeah,
grief is gonna last five yearsor 10 years or whatnot.
The goal right, the end goal,is acceptance, as you get to a
(03:11):
point where you can smile andkind of just, you know nicely,
remember that loved one or thatsituation or laugh at it and not
feel, you know, so much sadness.
So that's kind of the end goalright, but that's different for
everyone when that's gonnahappen.
So now that we've got theparticulars out of the way,
(03:36):
let's dive into kind ofexperience around grief and loss
.
So, jaila, I think it would begood maybe to start kind of with
your experience of grief and,like I said, you know we're just
(03:58):
having kind of conversation,right and so, of any loss, like
what's the first loss or majorloss that comes to your mind
(04:35):
when she says, pa, pa, that's myfather.
Oh, man, it's been.
I can't even remember how longit's been.
No, almost 12 years maybe, Idon't remember, but it's been at
(04:56):
least a decade.
I'll say that.
And so what was that experiencelike for you?
Thank you, okay.
(05:23):
So what, like what would yousay was?
(05:47):
I mean, you were young?
Right, you were.
I mean it had to be more than10 years ago, because that would
have meant you were only 12.
So you were definitely youngerthan that, but, from your memory
, like, what was yourperspective?
Because, right, I have myperspective of him as my father,
but what was?
What was your perspective ofhim?
(06:07):
Like your relationship?
Do you remember the nickname hegave you?
Maybe I don't remember that one.
You remember White Chick?
No, okay, yeah, oh, I don'tknow, maybe he did.
(06:44):
Well, that's what he would sayto me.
Yeah, that's my little WhiteChick.
I don't know, this is going toroot, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay
(07:31):
, I think that that does tend tohappen too, because while, as
you say, you were a sponge foreverybody else.
Like you were sad because yousaw others sad.
Like I think that was a part ofmy group grief as well To see
(07:52):
how everyone else was respondingwas overwhelming, and so
sometimes I didn't know Is thismy sadness or is it someone
else's sadness that I'm feeling?
Because everybody said allaround you, everybody's crying,
everybody has a story to share,and it's like, oh, we're all sad
(08:14):
.
And then everybody was gettingtattoos and so I was like, oh, I
should get a tattoo as well.
I mean that sounds crazy, butthat's really the reason why I
got.
It's like a kind of in memorytattoo I have on my chest.
And it was not of my own.
I mean, obviously I made thedecision because I went and got
(08:36):
it and paid for it, but it waskind of like everyone was doing
it in some fashion, so I shoulddo it too.
Yeah, also still very young whenhe died and still very
impressionable and still kind oflike not of my own mind.
(08:57):
So, yeah, I get it.
It makes sense.
So, with what you said, jaila,like you don't feel like you
were sad, do you feel like itaffected your life, like who you
(09:18):
are today, like, when you thinkabout him or any memories you
have of him, do you feel or doyou experience anything.
You feel like it's like longterm grief, like did you grieve
him or was it just kind of likethat's your first loss
(09:40):
experience?
Yeah, well, that was definitelymy well, not my first loss
(10:15):
experience, but maybe my firstgrief experience, because I
think the first loss Iexperienced was like my great
aunt I don't think you ever mether, lynette and that was
complicated because I think Iwas.
(10:36):
I actually was probably the sameage you were when Paul Paul
died.
I feel like I was maybe likeseven or something, but I was
very young.
And that was complicatedbecause at that age, who do you
really know?
(10:56):
Well, I guess, like thinkingabout her, like I remember
things about her, but not likean endearing relationship, like
we shared memories, like I havenothing and that's not to take
anything away from anyone, youknow, may her soul rest in peace
, of course but I was so youngit was like, oh, past, okay, all
(11:22):
right, so everyone's sad, likewhat do we do now?
And really like and it wasprobably the same for you.
I'd love to know, though, likeI don't know for me when people
passed when I was younger, therewas no like conversation about
it, like what it means or how Ifelt or anything.
(11:45):
Did you get that no-transcript?
(12:27):
Um, the older I get, I'm slowlyrealizing these things like I
don't know if free listeners outthere if this is true or not
for your families, but we tendnot to talk about things in
general.
I mean again, that brings usback to the reason for the birth
(12:47):
of this podcast is like thoseconversations that are not being
had and have never been had,and I don't know if it's just
the, it's just things happen andthen you just keep living, you
just keep going about life.
Like, as you mentioned, youknow, I called her Granny.
Granny passed.
(13:08):
This is my grandmother, hergreat grandmother.
I was at work and like we knewshe was going to pass because
she was in the hospital for alittle while with different, you
know, systems failing.
We knew it was coming and thenwhen it was final, it was just
(13:31):
like oh, wow, okay, and wedidn't talk about it, like it
was just kind of a.
I don't even remember.
Like the funeral.
I remember bits and pieces ofit, pieces of it.
Do you remember her funeral?
No, yeah, it's.
(13:53):
It's actually pretty crazy.
Everything just happened andthen you just wake up and you
just keep going, like you justkeep going forward.
I don't know, that's just theway it's always been handled,
like there was no kind ofprocess but how I get?
Maybe no one knew how toprocess, but anyway, that's
(14:18):
that's.
You know, something to besolved, right, something to be
worked at, something to bebetter understood.
Because even now, like you know, thinking, okay, how do you
process grief?
You know, I'm sure a part of itis, you know, connecting with
others.
You know feeling through youremotions, talking about it,
(14:41):
journaling, therapy, you knowthe usual steps, but I mean, I'm
sure there's a more finiteprocess to to, you know,
processing grief, right, so,anyhow.
(15:02):
So who would you say Jaila?
Then you know you've had theselosses right, from your
grandfather to your greatgrandmother, to your great aunt
that you never met.
You know all of these things.
What would you say?
Or would you say you have had asignificant loss.
And when you say grandma, youmean Okay, I just want to be
(15:42):
clear to the people, because youknow you have a mom side and a
dad side and all that stuff.
So what tell us about her?
I mean, I know about her, butyou know, our listeners talk a
little bit about her and thatrelationship.
Come on, tim, you don't want to.
(16:13):
He doesn't want to talk aboutthe deepness of it.
See, I think this is importantthough, because where, at what
point, you know, and not to rush, of course, there's no rush on
when somebody is ready to, orallowed to, process, but I mean,
(16:38):
does it?
Do you think this means you'renot ready to process it?
Yeah, okay, well, we don't haveto, obviously, we don't have to
go into that.
We can, you know, talk aboutother experiences.
(17:03):
I'm happy to, happy to won'tsay happy, but you know, I
honestly don't know if I've hada significant loss.
One would think that my fatherwas a significant loss.
(17:23):
He was a complicated loss.
Honestly, I felt grief and Ifelt frustration and I felt
anger and I felt almost arelease, in a way.
(17:44):
And so, you know, while Jailamentioned that she saw me, so
sad I was because I was so sad,while I say, my father and I had
a very hard or not hard.
(18:04):
We had a tense relationship andthere were many hurdles that we
had to get through, you know,together in like the year, even
year, year and a half before hepassed, things seemed to be
(18:27):
changing.
We talked more, he apologizedfor a lot of things and things
were just changing things.
The relationship was findingits way to kind of a normal, if
(18:48):
you will.
We were healing, I think, andthen he passed, and so it was
just like.
I think I was upset about thatthe most because it's like wow,
like right, when this couldreally, you know, be the
beginning of some major healingwork, I lose them.
(19:09):
So it's like well dang, youknow.
So that was really frustratingfor me and so I was sad a lot
and again, even though ourrelationship wasn't great, it
wasn't even good for a long timeI felt like I had lost a
(19:31):
protector.
You know, as a young girl inthe world with a daughter a
young daughter at that, and allof these, you know different
types of men around and thingshappening.
You know it's nice to have adad, an uncle, a grandfather, a
(19:53):
brother.
You know somebody who you cancall on to protect you, and
that's the biggest memory I have.
Like the deepest feeling I haveof the loss is that I don't have
anyone to call on forprotection if something happens
to me, if some guys slapped meor something.
(20:14):
You know what I'm saying Likeanything, who do I call?
And so I felt that very deeplyand so I think that that was
kind of a part of the reasonthat, again, in the shared grief
right of everyone around me, Ithink that was the beginning of
(20:36):
discovering kind of my ownhardness, if you well, I don't
even know if I'd call itstrength I just became hard
because I felt like I had to be.
And then, you know, if youlisten to our previous episode,
we talked about Jaila's dad andhow he was absent.
You know, I had to be hardbecause I didn't have a
protector, and then harderbecause she didn't have an
(20:59):
active father, and so I justgave myself those roles and I
hardened.
And you know, because of that,a lot of other things happened,
being, you know, loss ofrelationships and loss of self
and you know, burnout andanxiety and all of these other
things, right.
(21:19):
So it again healing and therapyand connection and recovery,
and it's still a journey.
So that's important to rememberthat there's no timeline for
any of this.
It's really just about theeffort you put in the work, you
(21:40):
put in your output, right, it'sreally, really about that.
So I do want to talk a littlebit about Jaila's grandma,
because I think her story is onethat is both amazing and
(22:01):
impactful.
And while I could neverempathize the loss because it
was a great, great loss I didgrieve her because, while, you
know, the father was absent, shewas very, very present, I mean
(22:26):
very present, and she was just amatriarch in so many ways and
you know, she just loved Jailato the depths of her soul and
(22:47):
would do anything for her.
And she accepted me and youknow, not that she had to accept
me, but she treated me as if Iwas just another daughter.
You know, I was just.
I was family too, and I reallyappreciated that, because you
(23:08):
know my issues with neglect.
It felt good to be acknowledgedand included and you know I
looked at her as a source ofwisdom and you know I had great,
great respect for her and Iwould take her to Michaels and
(23:29):
she liked to do like you know,like crafting and stuff, and she
would make little like jewelrypieces and stuff, and so we
would go to Michaels and shewould get like all these beads
and such and it was just goodtime she would.
You know we'd get a bottle ofwine, and you know we would.
We would have a glass togetherand she would have jokes and
(23:52):
stories, and I just I feel likeI got to know her more in maybe
her last five years of life thanI ever had before, because I
felt, I made the assumption that, because of this tension
between her son and I, that shewould maybe have tension with me
(24:16):
, because you know, familysticks together, especially a
mother and her son.
But that wasn't it.
Although she wanted very muchto excuse him and try to have us
(24:37):
understand a differentperspective, she knew and she
just focused on her love and herrelationship with Jaila and I,
and so I think that was a goodmove, honestly, because you know
, if you focus so much on whatyou don't have and who isn't
(24:59):
doing what and who you knowwhat's not enough, then
oftentimes you don't get toexperience the fullness of what
you do have, and so I think thather doing that was very
important.
Jaila, would you be willing toshare a memory of her?
(25:21):
No, okay, well, I think it'sdefinitely something that your
body is ready to process.
I think, just because of yourresponse right now and listeners
(25:47):
, you're getting the full.
I mean, you can't see, but I'msure you can maybe even feel
just right away the emotion thatcomes from processing grief for
someone that you've lost andit's not I hope that it's never
(26:12):
something that is pushed downand pushed away, because it's
just like a seed you push itinto the dirt, it's gonna come
to the surface.
It's supposed to come to thesurface so that it can bloom
into something else and that'shealing and processing, right.
I'll say that what I thinkabout this loss, I think so.
(26:46):
Jaila was, and I don't, I darenot, try and speak for her, so
I'm just sharing my perspectiveof what I saw.
She was obviously young still,I mean she's only 22 now but
when she passed she was in highschool and, like we mentioned
(27:13):
earlier, we didn't talk about Imean, we talked about the person
, her grandmother, memories andstories and would bring it up.
But how to Again, how does onetruly process grief, to find
(27:34):
grief partners and makeconnections and talk therapy, et
cetera, and I don't think anyof that really happened.
I think it was just anotherlike boom.
This happened, now what?
And Jaila had shared, becausewe talked about this a little
(28:00):
before that.
She had to kind of like pulltogether memories from, like the
year after, I think, she passed, because she kind of felt like
she went on autopilot a littlebit and kind of just kind of
maybe closed off, if you will.
I've definitely done thatbefore.
(28:22):
I mean, I mentioned that in thebirth story podcast, where,
after I had her, there are a lotof memories that I can't pull
together anymore.
I think, because when youexperience something significant
in your life and you don't havethe tools, the resources, the
(28:46):
people around you to help you,like, pull everything together,
you do kind of go numb, you goon autopilot because you don't
know what to do with all of theemotion that comes with that.
Right, I'm really hopeful thatthat becomes a new system in our
(29:08):
family and in your families aswell, because there's just so
many of us kind of like lettinglife happen and we're just kind
of continuing through andwondering why we have headaches,
wondering why our health isdeclining, wondering why we're
(29:32):
we have mood disorders and we'resnapping and we're irrational
and we're frustrated.
It's a lot of the times theexperts say that it's due to the
lack of process, because you'vehad a traumatic event or a
traumatic experience that youhave not healed through, you
(29:55):
have not talked about you havenot processed.
I feel like I'm going to saythat word a thousand times.
It's very important.
It's critical to the familystatus and mental and physical
wellness as well.
My grandfather passed earlierthis year on my mother's side.
(30:19):
I mean, I didn't cry because Ididn't know him.
I knew who he was.
I've experienced him in my lifebut there was no significant
relationship.
For years and years of my lifehe was in prison and in and out
(30:49):
of prison, and when he wasn't inprison I don't really know
where he was.
That's difficult.
I feel like, even though Ididn't grieve in what would be a
typical experience or whatgrief would normally, if you
will, look like there is stillsomething there to be processed
(31:12):
because while I didn't have arelationship with him, I didn't
know him well.
I didn't have a relationshipand I didn't know him well.
That's a loss as well, becausewhen you get up in life and you
want to have family around, youwant to maintain and build new
(31:38):
connections.
As you get older, I feel likeit's the need for that changes.
For me, it's a missedopportunity a grandfather that I
could have known.
I could have had a relationshipthat could have been much
better when I lost my father andlost that sense of protection
(32:02):
that could have filled that area.
There's still processing.
I think that needs to happen.
Being there for my mom,wondering if she's processing
and how she's feeling through itand thinking about it.
So just conversations andcommunication.
That is really, really missingaround these critical life
(32:27):
events.
It's not happening, I think,adding to the falling of the
black family structure.
I say that because that's theonly family structure that I
have experience and perspectivewith, but it is because
(32:49):
conversations are not being had,connections are not being made.
These generations, these lastmaybe three, four generations,
the priorities are differentfrom what I can see and what I
can tell.
I just want to put that outthere as a reminder again.
(33:10):
In this holistic healing thatreally needs to happen.
Hopefully, the more we say itand speak to it, the more likely
it is to present itself in thespaces where it's needed.
(33:31):
I want to ask you, jaila, do youremember your other grandfather
?
No, yeah, he was very.
Yeah, I don't think he wasaround much.
I mean maybe when you were ababy.
But other than that, like Isaid, either in you know,
(33:57):
unfortunately, either in prisonor elsewhere.
So I see you look like you'rekind of still processing.
Do you have anything you wantto share, just in general on the
(34:18):
topic?
It doesn't have to be aboutyour grandmother, just anything
on the topic.
Just thinking about loss orloss of a relationship, loss of
a certain part of you, oranything that's based.
Well, I can prompt you withsome questions.
(34:43):
I'm happy to do that.
So if we move away from theloss of the loved one and we
move into a space of the loss of, maybe, self or relationships,
can you speak to either of thoseand, with a mind that something
(35:10):
was like really impactful foryou?
Okay, we had to take a quickintersession and breathe and
(35:33):
Jaila journal and we're back andwe're ready.
So we're telling and we'rebeing raw here, right, so we're
back and I think we are ready tocontinue and have this really
good conversation now.
So I'm really going to sit backand allow Jaila to flow a
(35:58):
little bit.
I'll pop in with questions, butI really want you to take this
time and use it as your platformand however you want.
I said I'll have promptquestions, but I really want to
make this time yours.
I did a lot of you know.
I just don't feel like,honestly, I'm grieving very much
(36:24):
.
So I would just like, jaila, asa beginning, let's dip our toe
in the water right and tell usabout your grandmother.
You, I think I just want totake this moment and give you a
(38:42):
silent round of applause,because the way it was affecting
you before we took anintercession and now you
acknowledge you felt through it.
You did what you had to do andyou said let's go.
You know, let's, let's continuethe conversation.
(39:03):
I was offering to likecompletely change the topic, but
Jaila wanted to continue and soI think that's.
That's extraordinary, it's verystrong of you, it's.
It's just just just kudos toyou, because that's not a
typical response.
(39:23):
So just just good for you fordoing that.
So your grandma, like you said,yeah, she was, she was a lot of
things for you, right, and itwas almost like a double loss.
I get that, you know, becauseshe filled that absence leftover
(39:49):
from your father.
So a question.
So again, like I said, I have acouple questions, right, what's
your favorite memory about her?
Okay, awesome, when she passed,did you feel like you needed to
(41:05):
hide your grief?
Yeah, I can, I can definitelyunderstand that.
(43:01):
Again, I think.
I think it'd be really great tokind of like again look at right
, just just for for Jaila, formyself, for anyone that is
(43:21):
experiencing a grief, a seasonof grief, a situation in life,
to to really look at what arekind of like recommended steps
to process grief, because we asa people should know how to do
that, because loss is a part oflife.
(43:43):
Loss is going to happen, youknow one day.
I'm not even gonna put that outthere, but you know loss is
going to happen and so I thinklearning and experiencing and
understanding how to processgrief is a beneficial tool.
So next thing I want to ask isare there feelings today that
(44:14):
when you reflect on, like thepast, like what did you need
back then, when you first heardit, the the year after, just
into life, like what did youneed from people around you,
(44:35):
what did you need from yourself,as you kind of, you know, went
through that?
It makes a lot of sense.
(47:49):
Going back to those five stages,right, If you follow the
spectrum, anger is the secondemotion in the stages of grief.
So that definitely makes senseand just the content in which
you just shared it definitelymakes sense why you were upset
(48:10):
and so I think even, yeah, itjust makes me kind of feel.
Not feel, but think about how,when things happen in life, kind
of people, instead of like itbeing a collective thing, like
coming, coming together and Ithink that's what's missing in
like the process of grief orprocessing of grief, is the
(48:35):
connectedness.
But instead of coming together,people are so much about self
like what do I feel?
What do I think, what do I want, instead of we, especially from
the parent, child perspective.
When you're grieving as aparent, it's important to
remember your children aregrieving too, whether it's the
loss of the other parent orgrandparent, whoever it be in
(48:58):
the family, they're grieving too, and so it's very important not
to say, hey, forget about whatyou're going through.
This is what I'm going through,but what are we going through?
The unit, the connection.
I remember when my, when my dadpassed, we had family that came
(49:21):
down from the South, of course,for the funeral and everything,
and there was a person withinthat family that came down in a
room full of us children andaunts and whoever it was.
Just I just remember a bunch ofpeople.
I really don't remember who itwas, but she said she pointed to
(49:41):
my stepmother and said she'shurting more than anybody else
in this room.
Give her that respect.
And in that moment I said tomyself how dare you not that she
(50:02):
isn't hurting, because that washer husband?
Obviously she's hurting, buthow dare you dismiss everyone
else's pain in this room?
You do not have that authority,you do not have that place and
that's shame on you.
I'm sorry.
I'm not sorry.
Shame on you, because everyonein that room was hurting in
(50:26):
their own way, into their owndegree.
You cannot say that someone'sgrieving worse than someone else
, I mean unless it's, even ifit's physically showing.
Say, you have two peoplesitting next to each other
grieving their sister just pastor something right, somebody on
the floor just crying andscreaming, and then the other
(50:46):
person just sitting thereperfectly still.
Someone without you know, Ifeel like common sense would say
, oh, the person that's fallenout is grieving more.
That's not true.
That's not automatically true,because people grieve
differently.
That person that's sittingthere perfectly still could be
(51:07):
zoned TF out and in their headall of that that fallen out,
that screaming, that, everythingthat's happening internally,
and so that's not fair.
And so I caution people fromsaying that somebody is
experiencing something worsethan anyone or someone else,
(51:29):
because you do not know.
So just putting that piece outthere.
(53:35):
It's easy, I think, to get inthat space because if grief is
heavy enough, it's, you know.
It's easy for you to feel likeyou're feeling so much, so
deeply, that it can very muchseem like you're like alone in
(53:57):
your feelings, Like I am feelingthis and no one else, like it
doesn't even matter about anyoneelse, especially at such a
young age, especially with somuch responsibility assumed and
unassumed, especially with youknow, every, you know the lack
of processing with the lack of,you know, a safe, supportive
(54:19):
environment, just all of thosethings.
Like I can understand how youwould feel that way.
But you know that's a part ofthe learning process as well.
Is I did that, I felt thatmaybe that wasn't the right way.
You know, and you know inretrospect you find healing and
(54:44):
that's another very importantthing I think people need to
remember is that just becauseyou did something or acted or
reacted some way, you know, fiveyears ago, five months ago, if
you are able to reflect on that,find you know the lesson in it
and then change that positionand move forward correctly,
(55:09):
that's a win.
So many people are holding on towhat they did or didn't do in
the past and not allowingthemselves to forgive that part
of them.
Because you grow up, you changeyour perspective, change your
experience, things Even.
I mean I know this episodeisn't all about absentee parents
(55:33):
at all, but I think that's apart of that's a perspective.
I've heard from an absenteeparent before that it's too late
, they hate me, I can't comeback, it's too much.
It's too late.
It's not.
I don't think it's ever toolate to at least try.
(55:54):
I don't think it's ever toolate in any situation,
especially as the parent.
It's never too late.
I am 36, 76 years old and Istill call my mom.
I still want my mom, heropinion, her advice.
I just sometimes I just want tosit next to her and watch a
movie.
You know, it's just and I'mgrown and someone say, oh,
(56:18):
you're grown now or it's toolate, but no, it's very much.
The parent child relationshipis lifelong.
It does not stop at 18, 19, 21.
It does not.
So just want to put that piecein there.
So, moving forward, just onemore question for you, jayla Is
(56:45):
there anything that you wouldsay to your grandma or wish you
could have said?
That you would say today, ifyou're willing to share that
no-transcript, but you feel likethere was no unfinished
(57:55):
business with her, because manypeople I feel like you know you
hear people in grief they say Iwish I could have told them I
loved them more.
I wish that I wouldn't have saidthis, I wish I wouldn't have
hung up.
You know they have all thesewishes after someone passes, but
to say that, you know, I justwanted to be there, I think, I
think that that you know, not atall telling you how you should
(58:20):
feel, but were it me, I wouldfeel good about that, you know,
because I think that's that's abig deal to not have regrets
about a relationship, aboutsomething or about something
said or unsaid.
So, yeah, just just accoladesall the way around.
(58:41):
So I think with that, we'regoing to go ahead and wrap this
episode up.
It's been, I feel, like areally good one and I'm very
happy that we had thisconversation and I we will
(59:01):
include some resources aboutgrief processing in the show
notes.
Please review those if you feellike they'll be a helpful tool
for you or someone that you love, and keep an eye out for us
next week as we journey into ournext topics.
I hope it's been good for youso far and we look forward to
(59:23):
talking more.
Thank you.
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