October 4, 2023 • 61 mins
We promise you an enlightening journey as we unravel a small portion of the complex world of mental health. Ever felt drained by certain individuals, like energy vampires sucking away at your vitality? Learn some tools to identify and manage these negative influences, especially within challenging environments. Journey towards a better understanding of the negative impact of energy vampires and how to keep your boundaries strong against them.
Ever wondered about the significance of apologies in the healing process? We share personal insights about acknowledging our hurts and the necessity of forgiveness in the journey toward well-being. We also venture into the complexities of recognizing patterns and the power of intuition when something doesn't feel right as we delve into the importance of setting boundaries and the role of self-forgiveness in healing from trauma.
In this episode, we navigate the often-overlooked issue of mental health in schools and workplaces. Not sure how to handle difficult conversations? We offer strategies to navigate those tricky dialogues, emphasizing the importance of understanding power dynamics and the harmful effects of microaggressions. We'll also touch on the importance of self-care in maintaining mental health. So please pull up a chair, plug in your headphones, and join us for an engaging, candid discussion on mental health. You won't want to miss this!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome back to let's Talk Later.
I am your host, Capri, and I'mJaila, and on today's episode we
will be talking about mentalhealth and some of the stigmas
around having conversationsabout mental health, receiving
diagnoses, etc.
(00:21):
We are recording in the morningon a nice sunny day and feeling
good.
Jaila, how are you today?
Speaker 2 (00:33):
I'm good.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Good, any things you want to share.
What do you got going on forthe weekend?
Turn up.
Oh my God, mm-hmm, jaila isgoing outside, as they say.
It's so funny that outsidemeans something so different
than what it meant when I was akid.
We were just literally justgoing outside and playing in the
(00:57):
street.
Y'all are outside.
What does that just mean?
Going out to party?
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Yeah, when you're outside, you're just doing
outside activities.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
I mean that could include swinging at the park.
I mean, what do you mean?
Adult outside activities?
Got it Okay?
Well, let's jump right on in onthis good Friday.
We hope you're all feeling welland doing well and ready to
(01:35):
join us on this journey and havethis conversation with us.
First off, I just wanted toshare a few statistics that I'm
not necessarily surprised about.
I don't know if you will be.
In the United States of America, 21% of adults have been
(01:58):
diagnosed or experienced atleast one mental illness.
21%.
It sounds like a small number,but if you think about the
people across the United States,that's roughly 50 million
people.
Then, when you talk aboutchildren, one in every five
(02:19):
children will have some kind ofmental health or neurological
condition.
What is a neurologicalcondition or what are some?
We have epilepsy, cerebralpalsy, autism, dyslexia, things
like that.
We're going to just talk aboutexperiences and maybe share some
(02:40):
stories, as usual, just havecandid conversation today.
I think we'll just start offwith some Q&A, because I feel
like, well, not Q&A necessarily,but a couple of questions,
because I feel like questionsusually prompt conversation.
(03:02):
Let's jump right in.
So, jayla, what comes up foryou when you hear mental health?
What's the first thing thatcomes to mind?
Speaker 2 (03:21):
Depression.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Okay, that makes sense For me, I think.
When I hear it I think ofresources.
I'm like okay, therapy,counseling, I guess.
I mean, I guess that'sdifferent for every person.
(03:44):
So, speaking of depression, whatkind of situations cause you to
feel sad or depressed?
For me, I would say that isdramatic changes in life events,
so the loss of self.
(04:05):
If I feel like I'm giving somuch of myself to a job or a
situation and I'm not makingenough time for me or I'm not
taking care of myself, puttingmyself, making myself a priority
, that can lead me to feelpretty depressed.
I think there's the mom guiltthat.
(04:29):
That's the experience I canspeak to, just as a mother
feeling like your kids have tobe first, even down to something
as simple as doctor'sappointments.
I'll make sure that theappointments are set and
scheduled and in time andeverything in life for myself.
I'll be like, oh, I can goanother time, I'll cancel it
(04:50):
because I can't right now.
Everything becomes back burnerand that's poor self care.
But one of the factors offeeling or being depressed is a
lack of self care or poor selfcare.
Jaila, do you have a responseat all to that question?
Speaker 2 (05:16):
No, not really.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
Okay.
Well, moving on to the next one, what do you do, as I mentioned
, self care to support yourmental well-being.
Oh, me, I mean either one of us.
Yeah, you can go ahead.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
I journal.
I talk about my feelings, yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
Okay For me.
Honestly, I feel like journalingis like.
I mean, I'm sure people havealways done it, but I feel like
lately it's becoming a thing.
There's this journal that Jailajust told me about.
(06:05):
It's like a shadow work journalthat was trending on TikTok.
Tiktok is the place to getstuff like ideas and news and
appliances and everything, andit was such a big deal that it
went so viral that the priceincreased on the item on Amazon.
(06:29):
It was pretty crazy.
So I don't, I feel likejournaling is like old school
diary, so like I think we allhad a diary, a little, some
little you know thing to writein.
I remember I had a little lockon mine and it was found and I
(06:52):
would, you know, share myfrustrations about family
members and one of the peoplethat I was talking about in the
journal or diary found it, andit was this whole thing.
It's like nothing can be mine,I have no privacy, blah, blah,
blah.
I think I might have found oneof Jaila's journals too when she
was younger, but I don't reallyremember right now what it was
(07:17):
talking about.
But you, oh yeah, probably.
But you know it's just it'sdifferent I think now.
And you know, jaila, that'skind of a question I have for
you, and I was like in diariesat least how I remember it you
(07:37):
are just kind of talking aboutwhat you're feeling.
It's like you're just ventingand now journaling today.
I guess it seems veryintentional.
Would that be kind of yourunderstanding too?
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Yeah, because I know, like in my journal I try well,
it varies.
I write about like whathappened during the day, that
like I need clarity on, orsomething that came up that I
just can't like decide or figureout.
Or sometimes it's about mebeing like just appreciative of
(08:15):
the day and like or I think myjournaling, though I usually
write to like my spirit guidesor like my ancestors or
something to help me like justgain extra support.
It's just another way, I think,for me to just write down what
I need to say, I guess to get itout.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
And I don't know if you all remember last week's
episode.
If you haven't listened, pleasego back and do so.
But you know, jaila kind ofshared a little bit about her
like she journaled, kind of like, you know, in our during our
intermission, if you will, tokind of help her work through
(09:01):
some things and process somethings, and I thought that was
pretty cool.
But for my response, I stillneed a lot of work.
I am not at a place where I'vegot it figured out.
As far as supporting andmaintaining my mental health and
well-being, what I try to do isbreath work.
(09:25):
There are a number of differenttechniques for breathing.
There's, you know, 768breathing.
There's 453 breathing, there'sbelly breathing, and so that's
because that's quick and, likein the moment, I usually go to
that.
I try to journal or just writea little bit here and there.
(09:48):
I'm not consistent.
Um, I think, unfortunately, Ican probably talk about things
that I would like to do more insupport of my mental health,
which would be like regularmassages and yoga and um, but I
am doing some things right nowto kind of help me get to that
(10:09):
place.
Um, helping me with boundariesand self advocacy and self
esteem stuff.
You know stuff that kind of youknow bubbled up from childhood
and you know that's supportingmental well-being as well.
Um, but yeah, it's.
It's a work in progress, soit's good to to find what works
(10:31):
for you right and put that intopractice.
I will say step, um, like it'sa step fitness that I've been
doing for about, I think, abouta year now.
Um, that is good for my mentalhealth because it's a workout
which is good for your you know,your brain, your cognition, and
it's also really fun and Ireally enjoy it.
(10:51):
So, um, I'll give myself alittle kudos for that, I guess,
because I've been prettyconsistent in that realm.
Um, so the next question um andJaila, maybe I'll have you read
this one.
Speaker 2 (11:07):
Um, number three, yeah, Compared to this time last
year.
Are you sadder or happier?
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Why is that funny?
I don't know.
I respond so we are at the endof September of 2023 and, in
comparison, I think I'm happier.
I think last year was rough.
(11:41):
Not I think Last year was rough.
The last few years have beenkind of rough with transitioning
, like living situations andschools for my son and all kind
of stuff, but there's been a lotof work that's been done just
(12:01):
not only within myself, butwithin this family, or this
household, should I say and Ithink that has led to a better,
a much better space than a yearago today.
So yeah, for me.
Speaker 2 (12:22):
Yeah, I would probably agree.
I think last year September,where was?
I was in Atlanta, yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
I think I was also in Atlanta.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
No, september, that was two years ago.
Was it really?
I'm pretty sure, because lastyear September I lived in 565.
That was two years ago, yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:57):
Okay, but so in the general sense, you're saying
that you're happier now than ayear ago, for surely, yeah, okay
.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Next question how is it for you establishing
boundaries with negative people?
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Much better.
Just the other day I had toestablish some boundaries with
y'all Ouch yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
Negative people.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
Well, I don't think negative people are also
positive people in my mindset.
Everyone has some negativityabout themselves, everyone has
some positivity, butestablishing like yeah, you're
not a negative person, but youhave some negative qualities
(13:51):
behind me too.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
Okay, I don't disagree, I do.
I said, I said I was a work inprogress, I said that.
So what about in the generalsense?
So what about you if you takeit out of like looking at your
other situations, like peoplewho are like, do you have people
(14:13):
in your life who you feel arejust like always negative or
always like no, not anymore.
Okay, what about in, like theworkspace?
Speaker 2 (14:25):
This is why I work as management, because I can tell
people what to do and I'll nevergo back to being a little
associate anymore.
That's kind of offensive.
No, hey, ain't nothing wrongwith being an associate, but for
me personally, I will never notbe in a power position because
I cannot deal with people whojust don't listen, or you know
(14:50):
what I'm saying.
I'm not going to listen to youand you ain't doing the right
thing.
So I'm going to manage you Okay.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Okay, so share, because I think it's probably no
surprise to you that I don'thave great boundaries.
So I mean, share how you setboundaries, like how that, like
what it looks like for yousetting boundaries.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Well, I'm going to use the example from the other
day.
I was having a conversationwith someone and someone else
jumped into the conversationabout something that totally had
nothing to do with what I wastalking about and I,
respectfully, was like hey, youknow, you're kind of
(15:37):
overstepping my boundary here,bro, like we wasn't even talking
about that.
Now you're triggering me to getupset, and I don't want to get
upset.
So can we not talk about this?
Yeah, in a moment, right then,and there.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
You know, for the longest time all her life, even
though and she'll say it becauseI've jailed yeah, she's very
direct and that is a good thingabout her because, as much as as
a parent, I've always been likedon't you know, don't, don't
(16:16):
say you know this, or you knowwatch how you talk, and you know
don't be rude and and you knowwatch what you say, and it was,
it was very like censoring, butlike as the as the kids say, I
feel old, saying that low key.
I admired and envied thatbecause I have to this day, the
(16:42):
hardest time being direct LikeI'm.
I'm much better than I used tobe, but it's, it's tough.
So so for me, settingboundaries, I think, with
negative people, like when Ithink, yes, everyone has a
negative and a positive.
But I think there are thosepeople and especially I brought
(17:03):
up the workplace because that'swhere I witness it the most
people who are just always justdown and just dragging about
something, like something's justalways wrong.
I think that's easier for mebecause it's exhausting, and so
when I feel exhausted bysomething, it's easier for me to
(17:24):
address it, and so I'll say youknow what I can't with this?
Right now I don't have the spacefor this, or sometimes I don't
know if it's actually I don'tknow, I don't know if this would
be considered a boundary or oreven a or a healthy boundary, I
guess.
But sometimes I'll just justassociate, so I'll just mentally
(17:47):
leave the conversation and andgo somewhere else, kind of thing
, and let them finish whatthey're talking about and then
be like okay, well, you have agood day.
But, like in the personal sense, I usually laugh it off and get
uncomfortable and I'll, I'lljokingly set a boundary.
(18:11):
I'll be like so what?
Like you really going to saythat like, and I like laugh, and
so I think that that's.
You know, when you laugh I feellike you know a lot of people
are like well, you're not veryserious, right, I'm not gonna
take you serious, because youprobably mean that.
So it's hard for me to setboundaries and that's why I'm
(18:31):
taking some of the steps in mypersonal life to figure out how
to be better at that.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
So that kind of makes me think, um, you ever heard it
like the term like a, like anenergy vampire?
Speaker 1 (18:48):
Oh, yes, I have.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Like I've had.
Even some of my friends, whoI'm, like, still friends with
today, had their phases of beinglike energy vampires, like one
of my friends would, would cryand be so distraught about a
situation that she did over andover and over again and you
(19:10):
would.
You could tell her step by stepwhat to do and she would still
do the exact opposite of whatyou told her to do and then come
back to you crying about thesituation.
And I kid you not, when I wasliving in Atlanta, my friends we
had something called like a um,like a point thing, because in
(19:33):
my friend group I'm always likeI'm like the mom of the group.
They always come to me foradvice, they always need to tell
me something.
And I told them look, or likeit was like tokens or something.
I would say you got three timesto come to me about one problem
and if you keep, if you comeback to me after that third time
, I'm not going to talk to you.
(19:53):
I don't want to listen to you.
I'm not going to be presentanymore, because it can be very
draining for people to alwayscome to you about the same exact
situation and it's likeobviously you don't care about
what I'm saying and you don'tcare about getting a different
outcome.
It's like you're that's.
(20:13):
That's actually like psychoticfor you to do something over and
over again and expect adifferent outcome.
So you're not going to drive mecrazy with you trying to help
you.
So that is a tool that I kindof use, um, that token system,
because you ain't going to keepcoming to me.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
No, that's, that's actually.
I mean, I feel like that's kindof like a fair tool.
Um, I think, talking about likesetting boundaries, like to
even say that to somebody,that's still hard for me.
Like man, you only got threetimes come back to me to say
this, like, like, oh, cause Ifeel like that.
(20:56):
Um, trauma is always a thing.
I feel like trauma is alwaysconnected to, you know, grief,
to loss, to mental health, isconnected to all of this, like
it's all kind of in the same umkind of or along the same
spectrum.
Um, I am so worried aboutmaking somebody feel abandoned
(21:19):
or neglected or not heard,because these are struggles that
I have or had Um, and so, Ithink, telling somebody they
can't talk to me about somethingI don't, that it just doesn't,
it doesn't sit right with thepart of me that is broken in
that way, and so that's why, um,mental wellness is so important
(21:43):
, because you have to fix thoseparts of you so that you can
move into the other phase ofhealing.
So, you know, once I fixed thepart of me that was, you know,
felt was and felt abandoned andneglected, then it may be easier
then to set boundaries, becauseyou kind of need to remove
those um barriers right, so umwork in progress.
(22:09):
Okay, next question, um numberfive.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Who did you need to forgive this year?
Speaker 1 (22:21):
Who did you need to forgive?
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Mom, I asked you.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
I asked you Um, I think honestly myself, I needed
to forgive myself for thechoices that I've made, for the
parts not even parts for thetimes in my life that I feel
(22:50):
like were wasted because Iwasn't being authentic, and for
the relationships that I didn'twork hard enough to salvage
because of trauma.
And so I think me first andalso, you know, with Jaila I'm
(23:18):
talking to you, but talking tothem at the same time, right
With you coming home I needed toforgive myself for you as well,
because the whole reason thatwe talked about we started this
podcast and just started havingmore conversations was to have
(23:44):
better and deeper conversations,to heal things and to address
things, and so I think I've saidit before like to hear and to
receive feedback on the kind ofperson or parent you were, are.
It's not easy, and so I for along time, I've been the kind of
person that when I receivefeedback, I go inward and I beat
(24:08):
myself up.
It's gosh.
There are so many exhaustingparts of it.
But I had to forgive myself.
I apologized for things to Jailaand she said that either I
don't hold it against you or Iforgave you or whatnot.
(24:29):
But then I had to forgivemyself so that I could stop
feeling guilty about decisions Imade at 15, 16 or 25, you know.
So yeah, like outside of myself, I don't know, I don't know.
(24:52):
I don't think there was anyoneelse this year I actually maybe
think about I guess the year isfrom September last year to this
year I had to forgive my momtoo Internally, like I didn't go
(25:14):
to her and say I forgive you,but maybe I should, because I
had to forgive her for the partsof herself that she didn't have
control over, which poured intoparenting right, and so, yeah,
(25:37):
there are probably some otherpeople somewhere in there, but
those are the most prominentright now.
What about you?
Speaker 2 (25:45):
Kind of the same in the beginning myself for just
recognizing how not there I wasfor myself, not showing myself
enough I guess, giving myselfenough space to be a human with
(26:10):
the emotion just kind of makingmyself not feel certain things
to get over.
That, Definitely like my dad,this year, from September to now
, I would say, has been thebiggest.
You know, I'm tired of being soangry that I was just like,
yeah, I'm just going to have togo ahead and forgive this person
(26:33):
.
Yeah, I think those are like mybiggest.
I need to just forgive myselfand my dad for the betterment of
my mental health.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
And do you think that you're still working towards
that or that you have fullyforgiven?
Speaker 2 (26:53):
him.
I think there are days whereI'm like, yeah, I'm good, but
then I have moments in my lifethat are somewhat of important
and I automatically like thefirst thing I think of I think I
was just talking about thiswhen I had to spend, like the
(27:14):
money for my car or whatever,and I'm like, bro, I swear to
God, moments like this make medespise my dad.
So I think, like, deep down,there are moments and pieces of
me that are like I don't know ifI'll be able to get over them
so quickly.
But overall, yeah, I don'treally hold any grudges or
hatred towards him anymore inthat way.
Speaker 1 (27:36):
That's good, that's what we call healing, because it
doesn't do any good for you tokeep that emotion in you.
Because what do they say whenyou're mad or you're angry with
somebody and you're goingthrough all of these things?
It's not hurting them, it'slikely that they're fine and
(27:58):
they're living their life andthey're not worried about it.
You may never really know, butit just doesn't do you any good
internally to hold grudges andto hold on to toxic emotions
like anger and resentment andthings like that.
And I don't think I holdanything against anyone anymore,
(28:24):
necessarily, but there's juststill always this leftover
feeling.
But let's reverse it.
Who do you feel owes you anapology if you think about it?
Speaker 2 (28:49):
My dad, for sure, is a big one.
My grandma I know she probablylistened to this.
She probably can be like whatbut my auntie I think I am owed
an apology for the lack ofsupport and their absence in my
(29:11):
life.
I know that everybody's goingthrough their own things, but at
the end of the day I was a kidand I'm still kind of a kid I'm
a young adult, I guess.
But there were times or momentsin my life where I could really
have used that extra supportfrom them and I know that me and
(29:38):
grandma have an okayrelationship.
But there are things that Iwish I could tell her that I
don't think I'll ever be able totell her, just because it's
like I don't think we're in thatroom or space yet to share such
details.
(29:58):
But then it's like, on theother hand, I think to myself
maybe me being the quote unquotebigger person and going to them
about my feelings will openthat door for us to have
conversations that we need tohave.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
But yeah, I think for me, when I read the question, I
kind of read it backwards and Ithink, honestly, I feel like
both responses are interesting,because who might owe you and
who might you owe right, becausewe talked about who you had to
forgive right.
Before I jump in, is thereanyone that you feel like you
(30:44):
owe an apology to?
Speaker 2 (30:45):
No, I mean, if they, I don't know, you know what?
Let me not be like that.
I don't know, I don't know,okay.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Okay, why?
What do you think?
No, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (31:01):
Okay, I'm just gonna make sure.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
I'm just saying okay, and the reason I mean you may
be wondering why I talk aboutapologies, but you know, I feel
like that is a part ofaddressing issues in families
and relationships is apologies,admitting and acknowledging what
(31:23):
you might have unintentionallydone to someone or intentionally
to cause them some kind of atrauma or you know that just
hurt them, I think, and sothat's why you know kind of this
.
These questions were kind offormulated especially around
(31:44):
apologies, because it's animportant part of healing and
mental well-being.
So, for me, who might owe me anapology?
Honestly, I don't think anyoneowes me an apology, and I say
(32:05):
that because I'm not holding any.
I'm not holding any space forthe things that happen to me
anymore.
And Jaila, you're shaking yourhead.
Why don't you speak to it?
What do you think?
That's cap?
That's cap, yes, that's cap.
(32:27):
So you feel like there arethere's a person or people out
there that owe me an apology.
Speaker 2 (32:33):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (32:35):
I don't know if we should share on or offline.
I don't think so.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
It's not about holding a grudge.
It's about that person takingaccountability, or their part or
their role, I guess, in hurtingyou.
So, yeah, you owe me an apologybecause you hurt me and I want
you to acknowledge that you hurtme and I want you to take
accountability that you hurt me.
It's not about oh, I'm madanymore about the situation.
(33:06):
No, you still need to apologize, you in order for me to truly
get past it.
I need to hear you say I'msorry, I realized what I did to
you, my fault, my bad, somethingI can name like four people
right now that owe you anapology.
Speaker 1 (33:21):
I mean, there are some key players in my life who
have given me apologies and Idon't know if that would align
with your list or not, but wedon't talk about that offline.
I can think of a couple offriends that I feel like owe me
an apology, as we're talkingabout this kind of just thinking
(33:44):
over some feedback or thingsthat were shared.
But I feel like for them toknow that they owe me an apology
.
They have to know that theyhurt me and because I can be so
passive, it's very likely thatthese people that I'm thinking
of don't even know that I tookwhat they said away.
(34:05):
So you have to, kind of I feellike you have to know, unless
it's blatant and obvious, likecertain situations, you know
that you were wrong, that youdid a thing to someone and you
know that was wrong just commonsense.
But there are also situationswhere you may not realize
(34:27):
because that person laughed itoff or because that person
didn't respond or because,whatever, I don't know if I hurt
them or not.
They didn't tell me, theydidn't tell nothing to me and
they're not saying this directlyto me.
So that's the kind of thingsthat I'm thinking about right
now.
But yeah, we'll talk more aboutthat.
(34:51):
So, as far as who I might stillowe an apology, I would
definitely say my nieces, mynieces, my nephew and my nephew,
(35:12):
cousins.
And I say that because they aremy cousins, but because their
mother was more like a sister, Iconsider them, I looked at them
, more like nephews and Jailahas honestly given me
perspective on that because it'sone of those situations where
(35:37):
things get complicated betweenthe adults and then the children
suffer, and so for a long timeit was kind of like a just avoid
it and you don't have to dealwith it, or you don't have to
feel it, or I'm sure it's fine,I don't know.
It was one of those like kindof like tricky situations and I
(35:58):
regret not being more present,and so they are the first people
I think about when I thinkabout you know, apology who I
feel like I need to apologize to.
So, other than that, I can'tthink of nobody else.
(36:23):
I don't know if I care.
I'm sorry, but if you're outthere and you feel like, oh, you
, an apology, you can hit me upand maybe we can talk about it
and maybe you'll get one.
Speaker 2 (36:34):
Leave it in the reviews, bro.
Leave it in the reviews, we'llthink about it.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
We'll think about it.
Please let Jayla know if sheowe you an apology.
Speaker 2 (36:43):
I apologize, new Jayla apologizes.
Now, if you knew old Jayla, youain't getting no apology
because I ain't do that.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
She's no.
No, that's.
This is correct.
Okay, Next question numberseven.
Speaker 2 (37:03):
If you could give your younger self one piece of
advice, what would it be?
Speaker 1 (37:10):
Run.
Speaker 2 (37:13):
Oh, you better not be talking about my dad.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
I know, I know, I know, I know Run.
I mean, that's a couple ofdifferent spaces, because one
time when I was little man, Iput some toys in the backpack
and ran away to this little park.
It was like a mile or somethingand I saw this note.
(37:38):
It's funny but it's kind of sadat the same time, because I was
on the swing.
I actually wasn't even a park,I think.
I ran away to my school and Ijust swung on the swing for like
three hours.
No one noticed I was gone, noone.
Like I just went back, I waslike man, I'm hungry.
(37:59):
I didn't bring no snacks, Ijust brought my toys.
I love my toys, man, somelittle polypockets and little
Kelly dolls.
Those were my jams.
But I came home and I mean itwas like wash your hands and get
ready for dinner and I was likeyou didn't care, it's sad, like
(38:23):
I say it's funny, but like oh,how do you not realize?
And I was 10.
Like, how do you not realizeyour 10 year old is gone?
Like, really Like, how do younot like?
Huh, I wonder, and I, given Idid grow up in the era where we
played outside until the streetlights came on, I did, but the
(38:47):
street lights was on when I gotin the house, ain't no way I say
that I didn't even get introuble.
So when I say run like, I meanthat in a couple of spaces, and
not necessarily because that'strue.
I would not give like that nursethat I talked about, I think,
in our first or second episode.
She was absolutely right thatJaila would be this amazing part
(39:11):
of my life, and so I don't.
I will never regret that and Iwill.
I will not have run, I guess,from the man, but in all
seriousness, I would have toldmy younger self to run when I,
after I had Jaila, and I don'tknow how I would have made it
(39:34):
work.
But I feel like, while being amother at that age was obviously
very hard, the things thatfollowed were even harder and
contributed to a lot of the workthat I'm doing on myself right
now.
And so like I really would havetold that girl like go, just
(39:58):
leave.
I don't know where you're goingto go, just leave.
And I feel like maybe lifewould have been different.
Or at least you know, reach outto someone and tell them what's
going on, you know, so that youcan leave and not have to, you
know, take a bus to Kansas andfigure it out, or something like
(40:19):
that.
But that's what I would havetold her about you.
Speaker 2 (40:26):
Um, probably to actually give space for my
feelings.
I think I was so good at hidinghow I felt, and not even to the
point where I didn't even knowI felt certain, a certain way,
um, until now, at 22,.
I'd be like dang, I did feelsad about that and I think we
(40:48):
were just talking about that.
Um, recently, how, for thefirst time, I think in my entire
life, I genuinely cried andknew why I was crying.
Like I can cry now and just belike, yeah, like I'm very sad
right now.
Speaker 1 (41:09):
Question about that.
So how, if you were, say yousay that travel into the past
was possible and you could haveleft the note for yourself that
says make space for your feeling, what do you feel like your
younger self would have donedifferently to make space?
Speaker 2 (41:32):
Honestly that I don't even like if I would have.
I feel like it depends on whatpoint I met myself.
Like if I met myself in highschool, I would have been like
bro, I am making space, I'mmaking space by not
acknowledging it, Um, but like,if I did it, probably before
grandma passed like around thattime, I probably would have
realized, like yo, I'm hurtingright now and I need to tell
(41:55):
someone how much I am hurtingbecause we talked about that
story, bro, no, we live on partBoulevard, Like at that moment,
instead of going that route, ifI would have just told you like
I'm, like you're not going tobelieve what I just did, Like
maybe I would have.
I don't know, maybe I wouldhave opened up to you at that
(42:15):
point.
Speaker 1 (42:16):
Yeah, it makes sense, okay.
Next question Did you readnumber seven?
No, it's number eight.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
How do you notice?
Others around you are not well.
Speaker 1 (42:41):
I have to know you, or at least have been around you
More than a couple of times.
I usually notice, because I payattention to patterns, like
most people, whether they thinkthey are or think they're not,
are predictable.
They have, they move, you knowthe same kind of way.
(43:02):
They do the same kind of things, they are triggered by the same
types of things.
And so when you are off thatpattern say you're talkative
normally, say you know, usuallyyou come in a house and you
start in conversations andmaking comments and you know,
one day you just stop, you'rejust completely quiet,
(43:24):
completely withdrawn.
Your responses are one, one,two, three words.
That's obvious.
You're breaking a pattern to me.
So I know something's wrongwith you.
You start sleeping more.
You are, you know, disinterestedin things.
I'm like hey, you know let's gohere.
Or you know I'm not just.
I mean I'm not just speakingfor you, jail, I'm just speaking
(43:46):
just.
I mean just people right that Iknow, like I invite you
somewhere, say let's go, and no,you know I'm okay.
So just that disinterest to me.
That is obvious, that you knowyour something, something is off
and so like, in addition tothat, I would say like more,
(44:09):
like snappy, or like easily,like agitated and seem upset all
the time and I think and that'shard too, because I am one of
the best people I know atmasking I will lead you to
believe that I am fine andeverything is great and I'm in a
(44:32):
beautiful mood, like I'm.
I mean, I don't take this likelike I'm not proud of this, but
I am really good at masking, Iwill.
I am so good that I willbelieve I'm fine.
That's why I say I got to kindof know you, because some people
are just like oh, yeah, youknow, yeah, everything's good,
(44:52):
yeah, I'm good, and you're likeOkay, sure, you know, I believe
you.
You were just laughing, youbusted a joke, we out having to
have a dinner, and you knowthose I don't know if it's a
TikTok or an Instagram thingwhere it's like show a time when
you were at your lowest and noone around you notice, and maybe
(45:12):
it'd be videos of them.
They'd be twerking, they'd beat clubs, they'd be, you know,
clinking glasses, cheers and andthat was your lowest time.
Like that's scary, like youreally out here just masking,
like like everything's okay andthat's um, it sucks that that we
(45:34):
as people feel like we have todo that?
Um, what about for you?
Speaker 2 (45:40):
Yeah, um, I completely agree with everything
you said, Um, but another thingI think this is true for the
both of us too is that I don'tknow what it is if we just
spiritually inclined orsomething, but people's energy,
like, I don't have to knoweverybody to know that there's
(46:00):
something wrong with them.
Sometimes, when you come aroundsomeone, you could just feel
like or at least we do, like wefeel this like weird, like
something's off, something's notright, um, and it's something
that, like I remember when youfirst met one of my friends, you
were like no, like that is notgoing to work.
(46:21):
And I think a part of me hastaken some of that from you,
because I'll meet, like some ofmy best friends, people and I'll
just know like no, it'll eitherbe like a no or I question like
I can't if I can't figure youout, or your energy is literally
like something is blocking youfrom like being like perceived
(46:46):
by your energy.
I know that there's somethingwrong with you, but like there
has to be something Otherwise,like I feel good about people.
It's just that feeling aboutthe energy.
Speaker 1 (46:59):
Yeah, no, that's, that's so true.
Like even um, Dela had a reallygood friend and, um, this
friend brought another friendaround and was like yeah, um,
like they wanted me to meet themand kind of like, yes, no, like
what you think about thisperson.
And I mean, when they walked inmy house, I was like I don't
(47:26):
want to be like rude, but no man, like I, just, I just oh, there
was like a oh, there was just aheavy, tumultuous presence and
on the outside this person waslike oh, hi, I'm, and seemed so
sweet and I was like.
And then they turned around andwas like thumbs up, thumbs down
(47:49):
, and I was like and I like didmy thumb to the side.
I was like maybe, you know, itdepends, I don't know, and I was
so right, so right.
Oh well, Jaila knows exactlywhat I'm talking about.
That girl is a vampire.
Speaker 2 (48:04):
She is an energy sucker bro.
Speaker 1 (48:06):
Oh my God, I felt it like immediately, Like it's kind
of crazy, Like like I've beenhearing a lot about like
trusting your intuition and likelike really believing in, in,
in having that faith that if yousense in something, it's you
kind of got to go with that.
Sometimes and and that happeneda lot for me, I think for me
(48:28):
personally, in my situations, Iwish I had more intuition for
myself, but when it's self, Ithink there are more blinders on
because you know of a number ofthings, but especially for
Jaila, you know, I'd be like Idon't know, I don't get the best
feeling about this person.
So, yeah, that's, that'sdefinitely a part of it.
(48:49):
So, with that being said, likewhen you notice changes in
patterns or energy or you kindof got to go with that, you kind
of got a sense that maybesomebody might be depressed or
something like are youcomfortable addressing that and
if so, how would you?
Or have you?
Speaker 2 (49:11):
Um, this actually happened with, like one of my
really good friends.
We knew something was off abouther.
Like it was just something.
Like something was just likeoff.
And we actually sat her down onmy couch and we were like we
know something's wrong.
Like you got to talk to us,we're not letting you leave
(49:33):
until you talk to us.
Because it was starting to getto the point where not only was
her energy just like super down,but she was, um, you know,
coping with her pain inunhealthy ways, and I was like
bro, we have to do somethingabout this.
Um, so I feel like, if I careabout you, I'm going to try my
(49:56):
best to get you to talk to me.
Um, and with like we literallyhad to force her and she just
started like breaking down,crying, and I was, like you got
to talk to us, bro, like there'sno way we can't be your friend,
we can't be your friends.
Notice this about you.
So, if I care about you, we'regoing to talk about it.
You don't have a choice.
Speaker 1 (50:17):
I think same if I, if you you hold meaning for me and
I noticed it, um, I will try toaddress it.
Um, I think it also depends onour relationship.
If I know you to be moredefensive or um objectionable,
(50:40):
um, I may try it, I may beataround the bush towards it, like
, oh, you want to go, like youknow, go out for dinner one time
and you know, I'll try to getthem into um more intimate
situations where it might justcome up, because I I'm always
wary of offending someone, um,especially if you showed me that
(51:03):
you're easily offended.
Um, and if you are somebody Iknow, but maybe I'm not as
comfortable just kind of likesaying like hey, are you okay?
Because I don't know you thatwell.
Um, I may not say anything.
Um, I'm thinking of, like likepeople at work or um like like
(51:28):
family, of friends or family offamily, people that you just
know, kind of by association.
Um, I can think of a, of aperson right now who you know, I
I have had a relationship with,I I have had concerns about,
and I didn't say it directly tothe person because I didn't feel
like we had that relationship,but I said it to our mutual
(51:48):
person like, hey, you might wantto see if she'll talk to you
because something's not right,like, like it's just this real
toxic behaviors going on, andthis person seems like they.
They may very well be depressed.
So, you know, maybe you cantalk to them.
And if you want a few, like Idon't, I don't know, like not, I
(52:09):
have no one's therapist orcounselor, I have no degrees in
that area, but, um, I do feellike I, I have some empathetic
insight and um, we'll definitelyoffer, like you know, maybe
start with this kind of questionor something like that.
You know just what I would do ifthey were closer to me.
So, um, yeah, moving on, uh, weare almost at the end point
(52:36):
here.
Um, it's actually our finalquestion Um, how do you feel
about mental health?
In, well, for you all say in,in, like colleges and schools,
like high school, and um, yeah,your experience in college, and
then I'll answer for, likeworkspace, um, yeah, um like,
(53:00):
what, like.
Speaker 2 (53:01):
what do you mean in terms of?
Speaker 1 (53:02):
like how do you feel it's handled um addressed?
Is there enough support aroundit?
Are people hiding out andashamed?
Speaker 2 (53:14):
Um, I feel like in high school it was very.
We talked about it all the time, um, especially because I went
to a, um, um, a white school,sorry, PWI.
Yeah, um, my high school wasvery um open about mental health
and like how we could combat it.
(53:37):
I guess they kind of called itlike an epidemic because
unfortunately there were a lotof suicides at my high school
and our neighboring high school,so it was pretty openly talked
about.
Um, but that transition tocollege, um, when I went to an
HBCU, mental health was likewhat girl, you're sad, like get
(53:59):
over it.
Um, and I remember my freshmanyear I was actually going
through probably one of theroughest mental crisis.
I don't even know, it was justa lot Um, and essentially they
made me feel like what's thatgirl that had to wear the A
owner?
Speaker 1 (54:20):
the easy A lady.
Speaker 2 (54:21):
But what's the story behind it?
It was like the red Scarlet orsomething like that, who was
like I don't know.
Basically, they made me feellike I was, like I was not
allowed on campus.
You're going through all thisrough time.
You need to leave ended upOstrostyze.
Yeah, yeah, there we go, yeah.
Speaker 1 (54:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (54:40):
I felt like they branded me with like a crazy
label or something, and then Iended up having to leave campus.
And I remember to come back tocampus.
They made me get a note from mydoctor saying that I could come
back to school and then I hadmandatory like counseling and it
(55:00):
just it wasn't.
It didn't feel like it wascoming from a good place.
It felt like they were like bro, you're psychotic and you're
going to be going through thiswhether you like it or not.
That's why I will neverrecommend that school to anybody
, because it was not a good timefor me.
Speaker 1 (55:23):
Yeah, that's unfortunate Cause I think, from
on the one hand, it's like, yeah, we have to be mindful of the
safety of everyone on campus orwhatever.
But yeah, I do unfortunatelyremember I won't say it's
unfortunate, that I remember,but I do remember that
unfortunate time where it was.
(55:46):
It was almost like I felt likeI was talking to like lawyers.
It was almost like a legalthing, Like oh, and we have to
adhere to this and you have todo all of these check these
boxes and fill these forms.
And it's just too bad.
And I feel like, especially inthe South, where at least I hear
(56:07):
I've never lived in the South,but I hear that there's still a
lot of like very religiouspractices and things out in the
South, and especially at HBCUs,HBC, what I say, yeah, that's
right.
Where they have like Christiancourses, like you're going to
(56:31):
church and you're having not to,there's nothing wrong with that
, it's just to each their own Ifeel like they're like they pray
it away, Like it's like you'llbe fine, God got you.
Just pray, just pray on it,just pray on it.
(56:52):
Like that's the answer toeverything.
And it's like, while that's allgood and dandy and whatnot, I
mean prayer is great, right, youstill need to do the work, Like
, if you need for those who aresupport the medication route, or
(57:15):
you need therapy, you needcounseling, you need a change in
diet, you need to go outsidemore and get some vitamin D,
Like there are other things thatyou need to do, and it's not
this kind of occultist practicewhere it's like, yeah, you're a
demon because you are facingdepression or traumatic PTSD, I
should say, and things like that.
So that's really sad and thereis just so much work to be done
(57:41):
in so many areas of the systemswe have here in the US, but
especially around mental healthand the support and resources
that are available For me.
I don't remember much aboutschool as far as the medical
care system, School as far asmental health and resources,
(58:05):
wellness and all that stuff.
But I do have a very a numberof experiences in the workplace
and I've actually beenapproached by people who have
said that they have diagnosesbut they will not disclose to
the employer for fear oftermination, retaliation,
(58:25):
demotion, and so we have all ofthese people who have dyslexia
or sensory processing disorderor ADHD, ADD, and they choose
not to say anything, theystruggle through it, trying to
seem quote unquote normal andaccept it because they are
(58:50):
afraid of being judged.
And then you have thesecompanies that have these
wellness programs and incentiveswhere it's like you can get 10
free counseling sessions or youcan get telehealth for free and
reduce cost this and medicalcoverage care covers additional
(59:11):
outside counseling and intensiveoutpatient programs and things.
But don't talk too much aboutit.
Like, go off and do it and shh,but don't ask me too many
things.
And for me personally, I won'tget into the rant because I feel
like it's something thatbothers me a lot and I could
grant on about it, but I won't.
(59:32):
Is that the process todiscipline, if you will?
Poor performance is BS.
Like there's no part of it thatconsiders the person's mental
(59:53):
health and wellbeing.
It's.
You've been here for 10 years.
Your performance is dropping.
What's going on?
And it's not what's going onlike, are you okay?
It's stop now and improve it,or we're gonna start, we're
gonna put you on, we're gonna doa verbal warning or a written
(01:00:13):
warning or performance plan.
Basically, how can we get youout of here?
Because we don't wanna dealwith this.
It's sad, it's terrible.
And then they wonder why someemployees come back and they'd
be upset.
So, again, more work to be donein all of these spaces.
So that pretty much wraps upour conversation for today.
(01:00:37):
We hope that you've enjoyedtalking with us, or yod and talk
with us, but you can definitelyleave a comment or review.
We love to see it and we wouldlove to interact more and engage
with our listeners.
So we'll see you on the nextepisode.
Keep an eye out every week onWednesdays and be sure to
(01:01:01):
comment and subscribe to ourInstagram page and listening on
our podcast and give us somereviews and some stars.
But yeah, so you take care andbe well and we'll see you on the
next one.
Hello and welcome back to let's Talk Later.
I am your host, Capri, and I'mJaila, and on today's episode we
will be talking about mentalhealth and some of the stigmas
around having conversationsabout mental health, receiving
diagnoses, etc.
(00:21):
We are recording in the morningon a nice sunny day and feeling
good.
Jaila, how are you today?
Speaker 2 (00:33):
I'm good.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Good, any things you want to share.
What do you got going on forthe weekend?
Turn up.
Oh my God, mm-hmm, jaila isgoing outside, as they say.
It's so funny that outsidemeans something so different
than what it meant when I was akid.
We were just literally justgoing outside and playing in the
(00:57):
street.
Y'all are outside.
What does that just mean?
Going out to party?
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Yeah, when you're outside, you're just doing
outside activities.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
I mean that could include swinging at the park.
I mean, what do you mean?
Adult outside activities?
Got it Okay?
Well, let's jump right on in onthis good Friday.
We hope you're all feeling welland doing well and ready to
(01:35):
join us on this journey and havethis conversation with us.
First off, I just wanted toshare a few statistics that I'm
not necessarily surprised about.
I don't know if you will be.
In the United States of America, 21% of adults have been
(01:58):
diagnosed or experienced atleast one mental illness.
21%.
It sounds like a small number,but if you think about the
people across the United States,that's roughly 50 million
people.
Then, when you talk aboutchildren, one in every five
(02:19):
children will have some kind ofmental health or neurological
condition.
What is a neurologicalcondition or what are some?
We have epilepsy, cerebralpalsy, autism, dyslexia, things
like that.
We're going to just talk aboutexperiences and maybe share some
(02:40):
stories, as usual, just havecandid conversation today.
I think we'll just start offwith some Q&A, because I feel
like, well, not Q&A necessarily,but a couple of questions,
because I feel like questionsusually prompt conversation.
(03:02):
Let's jump right in.
So, jayla, what comes up foryou when you hear mental health?
What's the first thing thatcomes to mind?
Speaker 2 (03:21):
Depression.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Okay, that makes sense For me, I think.
When I hear it I think ofresources.
I'm like okay, therapy,counseling, I guess.
I mean, I guess that'sdifferent for every person.
(03:44):
So, speaking of depression, whatkind of situations cause you to
feel sad or depressed?
For me, I would say that isdramatic changes in life events,
so the loss of self.
(04:05):
If I feel like I'm giving somuch of myself to a job or a
situation and I'm not makingenough time for me or I'm not
taking care of myself, puttingmyself, making myself a priority
, that can lead me to feelpretty depressed.
I think there's the mom guiltthat.
(04:29):
That's the experience I canspeak to, just as a mother
feeling like your kids have tobe first, even down to something
as simple as doctor'sappointments.
I'll make sure that theappointments are set and
scheduled and in time andeverything in life for myself.
I'll be like, oh, I can goanother time, I'll cancel it
(04:50):
because I can't right now.
Everything becomes back burnerand that's poor self care.
But one of the factors offeeling or being depressed is a
lack of self care or poor selfcare.
Jaila, do you have a responseat all to that question?
Speaker 2 (05:16):
No, not really.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
Okay.
Well, moving on to the next one, what do you do, as I mentioned
, self care to support yourmental well-being.
Oh, me, I mean either one of us.
Yeah, you can go ahead.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
I journal.
I talk about my feelings, yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
Okay For me.
Honestly, I feel like journalingis like.
I mean, I'm sure people havealways done it, but I feel like
lately it's becoming a thing.
There's this journal that Jailajust told me about.
(06:05):
It's like a shadow work journalthat was trending on TikTok.
Tiktok is the place to getstuff like ideas and news and
appliances and everything, andit was such a big deal that it
went so viral that the priceincreased on the item on Amazon.
(06:29):
It was pretty crazy.
So I don't, I feel likejournaling is like old school
diary, so like I think we allhad a diary, a little, some
little you know thing to writein.
I remember I had a little lockon mine and it was found and I
(06:52):
would, you know, share myfrustrations about family
members and one of the peoplethat I was talking about in the
journal or diary found it, andit was this whole thing.
It's like nothing can be mine,I have no privacy, blah, blah,
blah.
I think I might have found oneof Jaila's journals too when she
was younger, but I don't reallyremember right now what it was
(07:17):
talking about.
But you, oh yeah, probably.
But you know it's just it'sdifferent I think now.
And you know, jaila, that'skind of a question I have for
you, and I was like in diariesat least how I remember it you
(07:37):
are just kind of talking aboutwhat you're feeling.
It's like you're just ventingand now journaling today.
I guess it seems veryintentional.
Would that be kind of yourunderstanding too?
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Yeah, because I know, like in my journal I try well,
it varies.
I write about like whathappened during the day, that
like I need clarity on, orsomething that came up that I
just can't like decide or figureout.
Or sometimes it's about mebeing like just appreciative of
(08:15):
the day and like or I think myjournaling, though I usually
write to like my spirit guidesor like my ancestors or
something to help me like justgain extra support.
It's just another way, I think,for me to just write down what
I need to say, I guess to get itout.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
And I don't know if you all remember last week's
episode.
If you haven't listened, pleasego back and do so.
But you know, jaila kind ofshared a little bit about her
like she journaled, kind of like, you know, in our during our
intermission, if you will, tokind of help her work through
(09:01):
some things and process somethings, and I thought that was
pretty cool.
But for my response, I stillneed a lot of work.
I am not at a place where I'vegot it figured out.
As far as supporting andmaintaining my mental health and
well-being, what I try to do isbreath work.
(09:25):
There are a number of differenttechniques for breathing.
There's, you know, 768breathing.
There's 453 breathing, there'sbelly breathing, and so that's
because that's quick and, likein the moment, I usually go to
that.
I try to journal or just writea little bit here and there.
(09:48):
I'm not consistent.
Um, I think, unfortunately, Ican probably talk about things
that I would like to do more insupport of my mental health,
which would be like regularmassages and yoga and um, but I
am doing some things right nowto kind of help me get to that
(10:09):
place.
Um, helping me with boundariesand self advocacy and self
esteem stuff.
You know stuff that kind of youknow bubbled up from childhood
and you know that's supportingmental well-being as well.
Um, but yeah, it's.
It's a work in progress, soit's good to to find what works
(10:31):
for you right and put that intopractice.
I will say step, um, like it'sa step fitness that I've been
doing for about, I think, abouta year now.
Um, that is good for my mentalhealth because it's a workout
which is good for your you know,your brain, your cognition, and
it's also really fun and Ireally enjoy it.
(10:51):
So, um, I'll give myself alittle kudos for that, I guess,
because I've been prettyconsistent in that realm.
Um, so the next question um andJaila, maybe I'll have you read
this one.
Speaker 2 (11:07):
Um, number three, yeah, Compared to this time last
year.
Are you sadder or happier?
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Why is that funny?
I don't know.
I respond so we are at the endof September of 2023 and, in
comparison, I think I'm happier.
I think last year was rough.
(11:41):
Not I think Last year was rough.
The last few years have beenkind of rough with transitioning
, like living situations andschools for my son and all kind
of stuff, but there's been a lotof work that's been done just
(12:01):
not only within myself, butwithin this family, or this
household, should I say and Ithink that has led to a better,
a much better space than a yearago today.
So yeah, for me.
Speaker 2 (12:22):
Yeah, I would probably agree.
I think last year September,where was?
I was in Atlanta, yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
I think I was also in Atlanta.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
No, september, that was two years ago.
Was it really?
I'm pretty sure, because lastyear September I lived in 565.
That was two years ago, yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:57):
Okay, but so in the general sense, you're saying
that you're happier now than ayear ago, for surely, yeah, okay
.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Next question how is it for you establishing
boundaries with negative people?
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Much better.
Just the other day I had toestablish some boundaries with
y'all Ouch yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
Negative people.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
Well, I don't think negative people are also
positive people in my mindset.
Everyone has some negativityabout themselves, everyone has
some positivity, butestablishing like yeah, you're
not a negative person, but youhave some negative qualities
(13:51):
behind me too.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
Okay, I don't disagree, I do.
I said, I said I was a work inprogress, I said that.
So what about in the generalsense?
So what about you if you takeit out of like looking at your
other situations, like peoplewho are like, do you have people
(14:13):
in your life who you feel arejust like always negative or
always like no, not anymore.
Okay, what about in, like theworkspace?
Speaker 2 (14:25):
This is why I work as management, because I can tell
people what to do and I'll nevergo back to being a little
associate anymore.
That's kind of offensive.
No, hey, ain't nothing wrongwith being an associate, but for
me personally, I will never notbe in a power position because
I cannot deal with people whojust don't listen, or you know
(14:50):
what I'm saying.
I'm not going to listen to youand you ain't doing the right
thing.
So I'm going to manage you Okay.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Okay, so share, because I think it's probably no
surprise to you that I don'thave great boundaries.
So I mean, share how you setboundaries, like how that, like
what it looks like for yousetting boundaries.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Well, I'm going to use the example from the other
day.
I was having a conversationwith someone and someone else
jumped into the conversationabout something that totally had
nothing to do with what I wastalking about and I,
respectfully, was like hey, youknow, you're kind of
(15:37):
overstepping my boundary here,bro, like we wasn't even talking
about that.
Now you're triggering me to getupset, and I don't want to get
upset.
So can we not talk about this?
Yeah, in a moment, right then,and there.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
You know, for the longest time all her life, even
though and she'll say it becauseI've jailed yeah, she's very
direct and that is a good thingabout her because, as much as as
a parent, I've always been likedon't you know, don't, don't
(16:16):
say you know this, or you knowwatch how you talk, and you know
don't be rude and and you knowwatch what you say, and it was,
it was very like censoring, butlike as the as the kids say, I
feel old, saying that low key.
I admired and envied thatbecause I have to this day, the
(16:42):
hardest time being direct LikeI'm.
I'm much better than I used tobe, but it's, it's tough.
So so for me, settingboundaries, I think, with
negative people, like when Ithink, yes, everyone has a
negative and a positive.
But I think there are thosepeople and especially I brought
(17:03):
up the workplace because that'swhere I witness it the most
people who are just always justdown and just dragging about
something, like something's justalways wrong.
I think that's easier for mebecause it's exhausting, and so
when I feel exhausted bysomething, it's easier for me to
(17:24):
address it, and so I'll say youknow what I can't with this?
Right now I don't have the spacefor this, or sometimes I don't
know if it's actually I don'tknow, I don't know if this would
be considered a boundary or oreven a or a healthy boundary, I
guess.
But sometimes I'll just justassociate, so I'll just mentally
(17:47):
leave the conversation and andgo somewhere else, kind of thing
, and let them finish whatthey're talking about and then
be like okay, well, you have agood day.
But, like in the personal sense, I usually laugh it off and get
uncomfortable and I'll, I'lljokingly set a boundary.
(18:11):
I'll be like so what?
Like you really going to saythat like, and I like laugh, and
so I think that that's.
You know, when you laugh I feellike you know a lot of people
are like well, you're not veryserious, right, I'm not gonna
take you serious, because youprobably mean that.
So it's hard for me to setboundaries and that's why I'm
(18:31):
taking some of the steps in mypersonal life to figure out how
to be better at that.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
So that kind of makes me think, um, you ever heard it
like the term like a, like anenergy vampire?
Speaker 1 (18:48):
Oh, yes, I have.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Like I've had.
Even some of my friends, whoI'm, like, still friends with
today, had their phases of beinglike energy vampires, like one
of my friends would, would cryand be so distraught about a
situation that she did over andover and over again and you
(19:10):
would.
You could tell her step by stepwhat to do and she would still
do the exact opposite of whatyou told her to do and then come
back to you crying about thesituation.
And I kid you not, when I wasliving in Atlanta, my friends we
had something called like a um,like a point thing, because in
(19:33):
my friend group I'm always likeI'm like the mom of the group.
They always come to me foradvice, they always need to tell
me something.
And I told them look, or likeit was like tokens or something.
I would say you got three timesto come to me about one problem
and if you keep, if you comeback to me after that third time
, I'm not going to talk to you.
(19:53):
I don't want to listen to you.
I'm not going to be presentanymore, because it can be very
draining for people to alwayscome to you about the same exact
situation and it's likeobviously you don't care about
what I'm saying and you don'tcare about getting a different
outcome.
It's like you're that's.
(20:13):
That's actually like psychoticfor you to do something over and
over again and expect adifferent outcome.
So you're not going to drive mecrazy with you trying to help
you.
So that is a tool that I kindof use, um, that token system,
because you ain't going to keepcoming to me.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
No, that's, that's actually.
I mean, I feel like that's kindof like a fair tool.
Um, I think, talking about likesetting boundaries, like to
even say that to somebody,that's still hard for me.
Like man, you only got threetimes come back to me to say
this, like, like, oh, cause Ifeel like that.
(20:56):
Um, trauma is always a thing.
I feel like trauma is alwaysconnected to, you know, grief,
to loss, to mental health, isconnected to all of this, like
it's all kind of in the same umkind of or along the same
spectrum.
Um, I am so worried aboutmaking somebody feel abandoned
(21:19):
or neglected or not heard,because these are struggles that
I have or had Um, and so, Ithink, telling somebody they
can't talk to me about somethingI don't, that it just doesn't,
it doesn't sit right with thepart of me that is broken in
that way, and so that's why, um,mental wellness is so important
(21:43):
, because you have to fix thoseparts of you so that you can
move into the other phase ofhealing.
So, you know, once I fixed thepart of me that was, you know,
felt was and felt abandoned andneglected, then it may be easier
then to set boundaries, becauseyou kind of need to remove
those um barriers right, so umwork in progress.
(22:09):
Okay, next question, um numberfive.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Who did you need to forgive this year?
Speaker 1 (22:21):
Who did you need to forgive?
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Mom, I asked you.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
I asked you Um, I think honestly myself, I needed
to forgive myself for thechoices that I've made, for the
parts not even parts for thetimes in my life that I feel
(22:50):
like were wasted because Iwasn't being authentic, and for
the relationships that I didn'twork hard enough to salvage
because of trauma.
And so I think me first andalso, you know, with Jaila I'm
(23:18):
talking to you, but talking tothem at the same time, right
With you coming home I needed toforgive myself for you as well,
because the whole reason thatwe talked about we started this
podcast and just started havingmore conversations was to have
(23:44):
better and deeper conversations,to heal things and to address
things, and so I think I've saidit before like to hear and to
receive feedback on the kind ofperson or parent you were, are.
It's not easy, and so I for along time, I've been the kind of
person that when I receivefeedback, I go inward and I beat
(24:08):
myself up.
It's gosh.
There are so many exhaustingparts of it.
But I had to forgive myself.
I apologized for things to Jailaand she said that either I
don't hold it against you or Iforgave you or whatnot.
(24:29):
But then I had to forgivemyself so that I could stop
feeling guilty about decisions Imade at 15, 16 or 25, you know.
So yeah, like outside of myself, I don't know, I don't know.
(24:52):
I don't think there was anyoneelse this year I actually maybe
think about I guess the year isfrom September last year to this
year I had to forgive my momtoo Internally, like I didn't go
(25:14):
to her and say I forgive you,but maybe I should, because I
had to forgive her for the partsof herself that she didn't have
control over, which poured intoparenting right, and so, yeah,
(25:37):
there are probably some otherpeople somewhere in there, but
those are the most prominentright now.
What about you?
Speaker 2 (25:45):
Kind of the same in the beginning myself for just
recognizing how not there I wasfor myself, not showing myself
enough I guess, giving myselfenough space to be a human with
(26:10):
the emotion just kind of makingmyself not feel certain things
to get over.
That, Definitely like my dad,this year, from September to now
, I would say, has been thebiggest.
You know, I'm tired of being soangry that I was just like,
yeah, I'm just going to have togo ahead and forgive this person
(26:33):
.
Yeah, I think those are like mybiggest.
I need to just forgive myselfand my dad for the betterment of
my mental health.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
And do you think that you're still working towards
that or that you have fullyforgiven?
Speaker 2 (26:53):
him.
I think there are days whereI'm like, yeah, I'm good, but
then I have moments in my lifethat are somewhat of important
and I automatically like thefirst thing I think of I think I
was just talking about thiswhen I had to spend, like the
(27:14):
money for my car or whatever,and I'm like, bro, I swear to
God, moments like this make medespise my dad.
So I think, like, deep down,there are moments and pieces of
me that are like I don't know ifI'll be able to get over them
so quickly.
But overall, yeah, I don'treally hold any grudges or
hatred towards him anymore inthat way.
Speaker 1 (27:36):
That's good, that's what we call healing, because it
doesn't do any good for you tokeep that emotion in you.
Because what do they say whenyou're mad or you're angry with
somebody and you're goingthrough all of these things?
It's not hurting them, it'slikely that they're fine and
(27:58):
they're living their life andthey're not worried about it.
You may never really know, butit just doesn't do you any good
internally to hold grudges andto hold on to toxic emotions
like anger and resentment andthings like that.
And I don't think I holdanything against anyone anymore,
(28:24):
necessarily, but there's juststill always this leftover
feeling.
But let's reverse it.
Who do you feel owes you anapology if you think about it?
Speaker 2 (28:49):
My dad, for sure, is a big one.
My grandma I know she probablylistened to this.
She probably can be like whatbut my auntie I think I am owed
an apology for the lack ofsupport and their absence in my
(29:11):
life.
I know that everybody's goingthrough their own things, but at
the end of the day I was a kidand I'm still kind of a kid I'm
a young adult, I guess.
But there were times or momentsin my life where I could really
have used that extra supportfrom them and I know that me and
(29:38):
grandma have an okayrelationship.
But there are things that Iwish I could tell her that I
don't think I'll ever be able totell her, just because it's
like I don't think we're in thatroom or space yet to share such
details.
(29:58):
But then it's like, on theother hand, I think to myself
maybe me being the quote unquotebigger person and going to them
about my feelings will openthat door for us to have
conversations that we need tohave.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
But yeah, I think for me, when I read the question, I
kind of read it backwards and Ithink, honestly, I feel like
both responses are interesting,because who might owe you and
who might you owe right, becausewe talked about who you had to
forgive right.
Before I jump in, is thereanyone that you feel like you
(30:44):
owe an apology to?
Speaker 2 (30:45):
No, I mean, if they, I don't know, you know what?
Let me not be like that.
I don't know, I don't know,okay.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Okay, why?
What do you think?
No, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (31:01):
Okay, I'm just gonna make sure.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
I'm just saying okay, and the reason I mean you may
be wondering why I talk aboutapologies, but you know, I feel
like that is a part ofaddressing issues in families
and relationships is apologies,admitting and acknowledging what
(31:23):
you might have unintentionallydone to someone or intentionally
to cause them some kind of atrauma or you know that just
hurt them, I think, and sothat's why you know kind of this
.
These questions were kind offormulated especially around
(31:44):
apologies, because it's animportant part of healing and
mental well-being.
So, for me, who might owe me anapology?
Honestly, I don't think anyoneowes me an apology, and I say
(32:05):
that because I'm not holding any.
I'm not holding any space forthe things that happen to me
anymore.
And Jaila, you're shaking yourhead.
Why don't you speak to it?
What do you think?
That's cap?
That's cap, yes, that's cap.
(32:27):
So you feel like there arethere's a person or people out
there that owe me an apology.
Speaker 2 (32:33):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (32:35):
I don't know if we should share on or offline.
I don't think so.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
It's not about holding a grudge.
It's about that person takingaccountability, or their part or
their role, I guess, in hurtingyou.
So, yeah, you owe me an apologybecause you hurt me and I want
you to acknowledge that you hurtme and I want you to take
accountability that you hurt me.
It's not about oh, I'm madanymore about the situation.
(33:06):
No, you still need to apologize, you in order for me to truly
get past it.
I need to hear you say I'msorry, I realized what I did to
you, my fault, my bad, somethingI can name like four people
right now that owe you anapology.
Speaker 1 (33:21):
I mean, there are some key players in my life who
have given me apologies and Idon't know if that would align
with your list or not, but wedon't talk about that offline.
I can think of a couple offriends that I feel like owe me
an apology, as we're talkingabout this kind of just thinking
(33:44):
over some feedback or thingsthat were shared.
But I feel like for them toknow that they owe me an apology
.
They have to know that theyhurt me and because I can be so
passive, it's very likely thatthese people that I'm thinking
of don't even know that I tookwhat they said away.
(34:05):
So you have to, kind of I feellike you have to know, unless
it's blatant and obvious, likecertain situations, you know
that you were wrong, that youdid a thing to someone and you
know that was wrong just commonsense.
But there are also situationswhere you may not realize
(34:27):
because that person laughed itoff or because that person
didn't respond or because,whatever, I don't know if I hurt
them or not.
They didn't tell me, theydidn't tell nothing to me and
they're not saying this directlyto me.
So that's the kind of thingsthat I'm thinking about right
now.
But yeah, we'll talk more aboutthat.
(34:51):
So, as far as who I might stillowe an apology, I would
definitely say my nieces, mynieces, my nephew and my nephew,
(35:12):
cousins.
And I say that because they aremy cousins, but because their
mother was more like a sister, Iconsider them, I looked at them
, more like nephews and Jailahas honestly given me
perspective on that because it'sone of those situations where
(35:37):
things get complicated betweenthe adults and then the children
suffer, and so for a long timeit was kind of like a just avoid
it and you don't have to dealwith it, or you don't have to
feel it, or I'm sure it's fine,I don't know.
It was one of those like kindof like tricky situations and I
(35:58):
regret not being more present,and so they are the first people
I think about when I thinkabout you know, apology who I
feel like I need to apologize to.
So, other than that, I can'tthink of nobody else.
(36:23):
I don't know if I care.
I'm sorry, but if you're outthere and you feel like, oh, you
, an apology, you can hit me upand maybe we can talk about it
and maybe you'll get one.
Speaker 2 (36:34):
Leave it in the reviews, bro.
Leave it in the reviews, we'llthink about it.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
We'll think about it.
Please let Jayla know if sheowe you an apology.
Speaker 2 (36:43):
I apologize, new Jayla apologizes.
Now, if you knew old Jayla, youain't getting no apology
because I ain't do that.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
She's no.
No, that's.
This is correct.
Okay, Next question numberseven.
Speaker 2 (37:03):
If you could give your younger self one piece of
advice, what would it be?
Speaker 1 (37:10):
Run.
Speaker 2 (37:13):
Oh, you better not be talking about my dad.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
I know, I know, I know, I know Run.
I mean, that's a couple ofdifferent spaces, because one
time when I was little man, Iput some toys in the backpack
and ran away to this little park.
It was like a mile or somethingand I saw this note.
(37:38):
It's funny but it's kind of sadat the same time, because I was
on the swing.
I actually wasn't even a park,I think.
I ran away to my school and Ijust swung on the swing for like
three hours.
No one noticed I was gone, noone.
Like I just went back, I waslike man, I'm hungry.
(37:59):
I didn't bring no snacks, Ijust brought my toys.
I love my toys, man, somelittle polypockets and little
Kelly dolls.
Those were my jams.
But I came home and I mean itwas like wash your hands and get
ready for dinner and I was likeyou didn't care, it's sad, like
(38:23):
I say it's funny, but like oh,how do you not realize?
And I was 10.
Like, how do you not realizeyour 10 year old is gone?
Like, really Like, how do younot like?
Huh, I wonder, and I, given Idid grow up in the era where we
played outside until the streetlights came on, I did, but the
(38:47):
street lights was on when I gotin the house, ain't no way I say
that I didn't even get introuble.
So when I say run like, I meanthat in a couple of spaces, and
not necessarily because that'strue.
I would not give like that nursethat I talked about, I think,
in our first or second episode.
She was absolutely right thatJaila would be this amazing part
(39:11):
of my life, and so I don't.
I will never regret that and Iwill.
I will not have run, I guess,from the man, but in all
seriousness, I would have toldmy younger self to run when I,
after I had Jaila, and I don'tknow how I would have made it
(39:34):
work.
But I feel like, while being amother at that age was obviously
very hard, the things thatfollowed were even harder and
contributed to a lot of the workthat I'm doing on myself right
now.
And so like I really would havetold that girl like go, just
(39:58):
leave.
I don't know where you're goingto go, just leave.
And I feel like maybe lifewould have been different.
Or at least you know, reach outto someone and tell them what's
going on, you know, so that youcan leave and not have to, you
know, take a bus to Kansas andfigure it out, or something like
(40:19):
that.
But that's what I would havetold her about you.
Speaker 2 (40:26):
Um, probably to actually give space for my
feelings.
I think I was so good at hidinghow I felt, and not even to the
point where I didn't even knowI felt certain, a certain way,
um, until now, at 22,.
I'd be like dang, I did feelsad about that and I think we
(40:48):
were just talking about that.
Um, recently, how, for thefirst time, I think in my entire
life, I genuinely cried andknew why I was crying.
Like I can cry now and just belike, yeah, like I'm very sad
right now.
Speaker 1 (41:09):
Question about that.
So how, if you were, say yousay that travel into the past
was possible and you could haveleft the note for yourself that
says make space for your feeling, what do you feel like your
younger self would have donedifferently to make space?
Speaker 2 (41:32):
Honestly that I don't even like if I would have.
I feel like it depends on whatpoint I met myself.
Like if I met myself in highschool, I would have been like
bro, I am making space, I'mmaking space by not
acknowledging it, Um, but like,if I did it, probably before
grandma passed like around thattime, I probably would have
realized, like yo, I'm hurtingright now and I need to tell
(41:55):
someone how much I am hurtingbecause we talked about that
story, bro, no, we live on partBoulevard, Like at that moment,
instead of going that route, ifI would have just told you like
I'm, like you're not going tobelieve what I just did, Like
maybe I would have.
I don't know, maybe I wouldhave opened up to you at that
(42:15):
point.
Speaker 1 (42:16):
Yeah, it makes sense, okay.
Next question Did you readnumber seven?
No, it's number eight.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
How do you notice?
Others around you are not well.
Speaker 1 (42:41):
I have to know you, or at least have been around you
More than a couple of times.
I usually notice, because I payattention to patterns, like
most people, whether they thinkthey are or think they're not,
are predictable.
They have, they move, you knowthe same kind of way.
(43:02):
They do the same kind of things, they are triggered by the same
types of things.
And so when you are off thatpattern say you're talkative
normally, say you know, usuallyyou come in a house and you
start in conversations andmaking comments and you know,
one day you just stop, you'rejust completely quiet,
(43:24):
completely withdrawn.
Your responses are one, one,two, three words.
That's obvious.
You're breaking a pattern to me.
So I know something's wrongwith you.
You start sleeping more.
You are, you know, disinterestedin things.
I'm like hey, you know let's gohere.
Or you know I'm not just.
I mean I'm not just speakingfor you, jail, I'm just speaking
(43:46):
just.
I mean just people right that Iknow, like I invite you
somewhere, say let's go, and no,you know I'm okay.
So just that disinterest to me.
That is obvious, that you knowyour something, something is off
and so like, in addition tothat, I would say like more,
(44:09):
like snappy, or like easily,like agitated and seem upset all
the time and I think and that'shard too, because I am one of
the best people I know atmasking I will lead you to
believe that I am fine andeverything is great and I'm in a
(44:32):
beautiful mood, like I'm.
I mean, I don't take this likelike I'm not proud of this, but
I am really good at masking, Iwill.
I am so good that I willbelieve I'm fine.
That's why I say I got to kindof know you, because some people
are just like oh, yeah, youknow, yeah, everything's good,
(44:52):
yeah, I'm good, and you're likeOkay, sure, you know, I believe
you.
You were just laughing, youbusted a joke, we out having to
have a dinner, and you knowthose I don't know if it's a
TikTok or an Instagram thingwhere it's like show a time when
you were at your lowest and noone around you notice, and maybe
(45:12):
it'd be videos of them.
They'd be twerking, they'd beat clubs, they'd be, you know,
clinking glasses, cheers and andthat was your lowest time.
Like that's scary, like youreally out here just masking,
like like everything's okay andthat's um, it sucks that that we
(45:34):
as people feel like we have todo that?
Um, what about for you?
Speaker 2 (45:40):
Yeah, um, I completely agree with everything
you said, Um, but another thingI think this is true for the
both of us too is that I don'tknow what it is if we just
spiritually inclined orsomething, but people's energy,
like, I don't have to knoweverybody to know that there's
(46:00):
something wrong with them.
Sometimes, when you come aroundsomeone, you could just feel
like or at least we do, like wefeel this like weird, like
something's off, something's notright, um, and it's something
that, like I remember when youfirst met one of my friends, you
were like no, like that is notgoing to work.
(46:21):
And I think a part of me hastaken some of that from you,
because I'll meet, like some ofmy best friends, people and I'll
just know like no, it'll eitherbe like a no or I question like
I can't if I can't figure youout, or your energy is literally
like something is blocking youfrom like being like perceived
(46:46):
by your energy.
I know that there's somethingwrong with you, but like there
has to be something Otherwise,like I feel good about people.
It's just that feeling aboutthe energy.
Speaker 1 (46:59):
Yeah, no, that's, that's so true.
Like even um, Dela had a reallygood friend and, um, this
friend brought another friendaround and was like yeah, um,
like they wanted me to meet themand kind of like, yes, no, like
what you think about thisperson.
And I mean, when they walked inmy house, I was like I don't
(47:26):
want to be like rude, but no man, like I, just, I just oh, there
was like a oh, there was just aheavy, tumultuous presence and
on the outside this person waslike oh, hi, I'm, and seemed so
sweet and I was like.
And then they turned around andwas like thumbs up, thumbs down
(47:49):
, and I was like and I like didmy thumb to the side.
I was like maybe, you know, itdepends, I don't know, and I was
so right, so right.
Oh well, Jaila knows exactlywhat I'm talking about.
That girl is a vampire.
Speaker 2 (48:04):
She is an energy sucker bro.
Speaker 1 (48:06):
Oh my God, I felt it like immediately, Like it's kind
of crazy, Like like I've beenhearing a lot about like
trusting your intuition and likelike really believing in, in,
in having that faith that if yousense in something, it's you
kind of got to go with that.
Sometimes and and that happeneda lot for me, I think for me
(48:28):
personally, in my situations, Iwish I had more intuition for
myself, but when it's self, Ithink there are more blinders on
because you know of a number ofthings, but especially for
Jaila, you know, I'd be like Idon't know, I don't get the best
feeling about this person.
So, yeah, that's, that'sdefinitely a part of it.
(48:49):
So, with that being said, likewhen you notice changes in
patterns or energy or you kindof got to go with that, you kind
of got a sense that maybesomebody might be depressed or
something like are youcomfortable addressing that and
if so, how would you?
Or have you?
Speaker 2 (49:11):
Um, this actually happened with, like one of my
really good friends.
We knew something was off abouther.
Like it was just something.
Like something was just likeoff.
And we actually sat her down onmy couch and we were like we
know something's wrong.
Like you got to talk to us,we're not letting you leave
(49:33):
until you talk to us.
Because it was starting to getto the point where not only was
her energy just like super down,but she was, um, you know,
coping with her pain inunhealthy ways, and I was like
bro, we have to do somethingabout this.
Um, so I feel like, if I careabout you, I'm going to try my
(49:56):
best to get you to talk to me.
Um, and with like we literallyhad to force her and she just
started like breaking down,crying, and I was, like you got
to talk to us, bro, like there'sno way we can't be your friend,
we can't be your friends.
Notice this about you.
So, if I care about you, we'regoing to talk about it.
You don't have a choice.
Speaker 1 (50:17):
I think same if I, if you you hold meaning for me and
I noticed it, um, I will try toaddress it.
Um, I think it also depends onour relationship.
If I know you to be moredefensive or um objectionable,
(50:40):
um, I may try it, I may beataround the bush towards it, like
, oh, you want to go, like youknow, go out for dinner one time
and you know, I'll try to getthem into um more intimate
situations where it might justcome up, because I I'm always
wary of offending someone, um,especially if you showed me that
(51:03):
you're easily offended.
Um, and if you are somebody Iknow, but maybe I'm not as
comfortable just kind of likesaying like hey, are you okay?
Because I don't know you thatwell.
Um, I may not say anything.
Um, I'm thinking of, like likepeople at work or um like like
(51:28):
family, of friends or family offamily, people that you just
know, kind of by association.
Um, I can think of a, of aperson right now who you know, I
I have had a relationship with,I I have had concerns about,
and I didn't say it directly tothe person because I didn't feel
like we had that relationship,but I said it to our mutual
(51:48):
person like, hey, you might wantto see if she'll talk to you
because something's not right,like, like it's just this real
toxic behaviors going on, andthis person seems like they.
They may very well be depressed.
So, you know, maybe you cantalk to them.
And if you want a few, like Idon't, I don't know, like not, I
(52:09):
have no one's therapist orcounselor, I have no degrees in
that area, but, um, I do feellike I, I have some empathetic
insight and um, we'll definitelyoffer, like you know, maybe
start with this kind of questionor something like that.
You know just what I would do ifthey were closer to me.
So, um, yeah, moving on, uh, weare almost at the end point
(52:36):
here.
Um, it's actually our finalquestion Um, how do you feel
about mental health?
In, well, for you all say in,in, like colleges and schools,
like high school, and um, yeah,your experience in college, and
then I'll answer for, likeworkspace, um, yeah, um like,
(53:00):
what, like.
Speaker 2 (53:01):
what do you mean in terms of?
Speaker 1 (53:02):
like how do you feel it's handled um addressed?
Is there enough support aroundit?
Are people hiding out andashamed?
Speaker 2 (53:14):
Um, I feel like in high school it was very.
We talked about it all the time, um, especially because I went
to a, um, um, a white school,sorry, PWI.
Yeah, um, my high school wasvery um open about mental health
and like how we could combat it.
(53:37):
I guess they kind of called itlike an epidemic because
unfortunately there were a lotof suicides at my high school
and our neighboring high school,so it was pretty openly talked
about.
Um, but that transition tocollege, um, when I went to an
HBCU, mental health was likewhat girl, you're sad, like get
(53:59):
over it.
Um, and I remember my freshmanyear I was actually going
through probably one of theroughest mental crisis.
I don't even know, it was justa lot Um, and essentially they
made me feel like what's thatgirl that had to wear the A
owner?
Speaker 1 (54:20):
the easy A lady.
Speaker 2 (54:21):
But what's the story behind it?
It was like the red Scarlet orsomething like that, who was
like I don't know.
Basically, they made me feellike I was, like I was not
allowed on campus.
You're going through all thisrough time.
You need to leave ended upOstrostyze.
Yeah, yeah, there we go, yeah.
Speaker 1 (54:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (54:40):
I felt like they branded me with like a crazy
label or something, and then Iended up having to leave campus.
And I remember to come back tocampus.
They made me get a note from mydoctor saying that I could come
back to school and then I hadmandatory like counseling and it
(55:00):
just it wasn't.
It didn't feel like it wascoming from a good place.
It felt like they were like bro, you're psychotic and you're
going to be going through thiswhether you like it or not.
That's why I will neverrecommend that school to anybody
, because it was not a good timefor me.
Speaker 1 (55:23):
Yeah, that's unfortunate Cause I think, from
on the one hand, it's like, yeah, we have to be mindful of the
safety of everyone on campus orwhatever.
But yeah, I do unfortunatelyremember I won't say it's
unfortunate, that I remember,but I do remember that
unfortunate time where it was.
(55:46):
It was almost like I felt likeI was talking to like lawyers.
It was almost like a legalthing, Like oh, and we have to
adhere to this and you have todo all of these check these
boxes and fill these forms.
And it's just too bad.
And I feel like, especially inthe South, where at least I hear
(56:07):
I've never lived in the South,but I hear that there's still a
lot of like very religiouspractices and things out in the
South, and especially at HBCUs,HBC, what I say, yeah, that's
right.
Where they have like Christiancourses, like you're going to
(56:31):
church and you're having not to,there's nothing wrong with that
, it's just to each their own Ifeel like they're like they pray
it away, Like it's like you'llbe fine, God got you.
Just pray, just pray on it,just pray on it.
(56:52):
Like that's the answer toeverything.
And it's like, while that's allgood and dandy and whatnot, I
mean prayer is great, right, youstill need to do the work, Like
, if you need for those who aresupport the medication route, or
(57:15):
you need therapy, you needcounseling, you need a change in
diet, you need to go outsidemore and get some vitamin D,
Like there are other things thatyou need to do, and it's not
this kind of occultist practicewhere it's like, yeah, you're a
demon because you are facingdepression or traumatic PTSD, I
should say, and things like that.
So that's really sad and thereis just so much work to be done
(57:41):
in so many areas of the systemswe have here in the US, but
especially around mental healthand the support and resources
that are available For me.
I don't remember much aboutschool as far as the medical
care system, School as far asmental health and resources,
(58:05):
wellness and all that stuff.
But I do have a very a numberof experiences in the workplace
and I've actually beenapproached by people who have
said that they have diagnosesbut they will not disclose to
the employer for fear oftermination, retaliation,
(58:25):
demotion, and so we have all ofthese people who have dyslexia
or sensory processing disorderor ADHD, ADD, and they choose
not to say anything, theystruggle through it, trying to
seem quote unquote normal andaccept it because they are
(58:50):
afraid of being judged.
And then you have thesecompanies that have these
wellness programs and incentiveswhere it's like you can get 10
free counseling sessions or youcan get telehealth for free and
reduce cost this and medicalcoverage care covers additional
(59:11):
outside counseling and intensiveoutpatient programs and things.
But don't talk too much aboutit.
Like, go off and do it and shh,but don't ask me too many
things.
And for me personally, I won'tget into the rant because I feel
like it's something thatbothers me a lot and I could
grant on about it, but I won't.
(59:32):
Is that the process todiscipline, if you will?
Poor performance is BS.
Like there's no part of it thatconsiders the person's mental
(59:53):
health and wellbeing.
It's.
You've been here for 10 years.
Your performance is dropping.
What's going on?
And it's not what's going onlike, are you okay?
It's stop now and improve it,or we're gonna start, we're
gonna put you on, we're gonna doa verbal warning or a written
(01:00:13):
warning or performance plan.
Basically, how can we get youout of here?
Because we don't wanna dealwith this.
It's sad, it's terrible.
And then they wonder why someemployees come back and they'd
be upset.
So, again, more work to be donein all of these spaces.
So that pretty much wraps upour conversation for today.
(01:00:37):
We hope that you've enjoyedtalking with us, or yod and talk
with us, but you can definitelyleave a comment or review.
We love to see it and we wouldlove to interact more and engage
with our listeners.
So we'll see you on the nextepisode.
Keep an eye out every week onWednesdays and be sure to
(01:01:01):
comment and subscribe to ourInstagram page and listening on
our podcast and give us somereviews and some stars.
But yeah, so you take care andbe well and we'll see you on the
next one.
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