July 7, 2025 • 51 mins
Have you ever achieved everything you thought you wanted — yet still felt empty inside?
In this raw and transformative conversation, Kevin Palmieri, founder of the globally ranked Next Level University podcast, reveals the dark side of self-improvement and the missing link to true fulfillment.
At the peak of external success — earning six figures, dating a model, preparing for a bodybuilding show — Kevin hit rock bottom, alone in a hotel room, contemplating ending it all. That moment cracked open a deeper mission: to become the person he desperately needed in his darkest hour.
In this episode, Kevin vulnerably dismantles the illusion that personal development alone brings happiness. Instead, he offers a revolutionary perspective:
Self-relationship is the foundation. Self-improvement is only what you build on top.
Through intimate stories, hard-earned wisdom, and simple yet profound practices, Kevin shares:
✨ Why starting embarrassingly small leads to lasting change
✨ How "grateful ambition" balances acceptance with growth
✨ Why vulnerability is your hidden superpower
✨ The real reason massive goals often sabotage consistency
✨ The 2 self-check questions that can shift every decision you make
If you've ever felt burned out by chasing goals, stuck in comparison, or unsure why success still feels empty — this episode will meet you exactly where you are.
Listen now and rediscover the missing piece that makes growth sustainable, self-honoring, and deeply fulfilling.
🎧 Learn more about Kevin and his work at →
www.nextleveluniverse.com
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Music:
Palms by Text Me Records / Bobby Renz
Gemini by The Soundlings
Sunset n Beachz by Ofshane
Misdirection by The Grey Room / Density & Time
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
NatNat (00:00):
Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast, where we break
mental health stigmas throughconversations.
I'm your host, nat Nat, and wedive into topics about trauma
and how it impacts the nervoussystem.
Yet we don't just leave youthere.
We share insights and tools ofself-care, meditation and growth
(00:21):
that help you be curious aboutyour own biology.
Your presence matters.
Please like and subscribe toour podcast.
Help our community grow.
Let's get into this.
Oh, and please remember to bekind to yourself.
Kevin Palmieri (00:35):
Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast.
I'm your host, nat Nat, andtoday we're going to talk about
self-development and what thatlooks like for you.
Also, we're going to talk aboutself-development and what that
looks like for you.
Also, we're going to talk aboutgrowth, and not in the way that
you may think it is.
We're going to talk about theshadow side of it, that a lot of
people aren't being real andbringing you to where you are
(00:58):
and where you can go, not givingyou some imaginary places where
it feels like the donkey,always chasing the carrot but
not being able to really attainit.
So our guest today is Kevin,and he's going to walk us
through what he has discoveredfor himself and what he offers
to his clients.
So, kevin, could you introduceyourself to myself and the
(01:20):
listeners and let us know alittle bit about yourself?
Speaker 3 (01:23):
Yes.
So first of all, nat Nat, Iappreciate you having me.
I am Kevin Palmieri.
I am the founder and the hostof Next Level University.
We're a global top 100 podcastwith 2035 episodes, I think, as
of today, and I've been afull-time podcaster and coach
for the last eight years and Ijust love helping people get to
(01:45):
the next level and I think thatalways starts from the inside.
The best growth always startsfrom the inside out, and we're
going to talk today about someof the downsides of that.
It seems as well.
Kevin Palmieri (01:56):
Yeah, that is no small number, recording that
many episodes, and I know a lot.
The podcast has that manyepisodes and I know a lot.
The podcast has bloomed becauseof COVID and people were stuck
indoors, yet you're a veteranbefore this happened.
So I have some questions aboutyou know your commitment and
dedication in that space.
So a lot of people don'trealize the back end and how
(02:18):
much work you know goes intothat.
And before we started recording, we were talking about the
technology fumbles that go on,that we have to deal with some
of the frustration andeverything else.
So I'm looking forward todiving deep with you and finding
out you know, some things thatyou have to offer and possibly
(02:38):
seeing some things about myselftoo.
Before we start, will you joinme in a mindful moment so that
we can ground ourselves?
Speaker 3 (02:46):
Absolutely, I'm looking forward to it.
Kevin Palmieri (02:48):
So for the listeners, as you always hear,
safety first.
If you're driving, don't closeyour eyes.
Yet the other prompts you'reable to follow through so you
can do a little check-in withyourself.
So, kevin, I'll ask you to getcomfortable in your seating and,
if it's safe to do so, gentlyclose your eyes and you're going
(03:08):
to begin breathing in and outthrough your nose and you're
going to bring your awareness towatching your breath.
You're not going to try andcontrol your breath, you're just
going to let it be in itsnatural state, allowing it to
guide you into your body.
There may be some sensations orfeelings coming up let them
(03:33):
surface.
NatNat (03:35):
You're safe to feel.
Kevin Palmieri (03:38):
You're safe to let go surrender the need to
control release the need toresist and just be.
NatNat (03:50):
Be with your breath, drop deeper into your body.
Kevin Palmieri (03:57):
There may be some thoughts or to-do lists
that have popped up, and that'sokay.
NatNat (04:02):
Gently, bring your awareness back to your breath,
creating space between theawareness and the thoughts and
dropping deeper into the body,being in the space of presence,
of being.
Kevin Palmieri (04:24):
Again, more thoughts may have popped up.
Bring the awareness back toyour breath, Beginning again,
creating even more space betweenthe awareness into the body
(04:49):
being in that presence, being innow coming into your senses,
into your breath, to the presentmoment, at your own time and at
(05:15):
your own pace.
You're going to gently open youreyes while staying with your
breath.
How's your heart doing so?
What brought you on this path,kevin?
I know there's a bit of a dark,shadowy part of it that brought
it in, so would you be open tosharing that with the listeners?
Speaker 3 (05:32):
Of course.
Yeah, I was somebody who I wasraised by my mom and my
grandmother.
I didn't know my dad.
I didn't meet my dad until Iwas 27, with the understanding
that he was my dad, and nobodyexpected me to be any level of
successful, especially me.
(05:53):
So I'm not saying those peoplewere bad for thinking that,
Trust me.
I didn't believe it more thananybody.
Didn't go to college because itjust didn't make sense.
I worked a bunch of odd jobs.
I was a gas station attendant,I cleaned bathrooms and floors
at a hospital, truck driver,forklift operator, just anything
I could do to try to pay thebills and I just got to a place
where I remember thinking I wasnever going to be successful.
(06:15):
I was like success does noteven seem relatively reachable
for me.
Somehow I got a job in anindustry called weatherization
and I went from making 15 anhour to anywhere from 60 to 120
an hour that now I was convincedthis is it.
Hey, we did we somehow.
(06:36):
We somehow achieved success.
Quote unquote so if you fastforward a few years, I was
making good money.
My girlfriend at the time was amodel.
I was getting ready to competein a bodybuilding show, so I was
quite literally in the bestshape I will ever be in, had a
nice car, nice new apartment,great friends.
From the outside looking in, Iwas living the dream.
(06:58):
Internally, I was a freakingmess Anxious, depressed,
insecure, self-conscious, noself-belief, very little
self-worth, just riding thestruggle bus.
Girlfriend leaves.
I was not able to support herin the ways that she needed to
be supported and to pour windinto her wings.
(07:20):
I just wasn't capable of doingit.
So when she left, that was myinitial rock bottom Heartbroken
eating disorder.
After my bodybuilding show, workgot slow, just not a good place
.
I would love to tell you that'swhen I did the work.
That is not when I did the work.
I was like I need to make moremoney.
(07:42):
That's the problem, I haven'tmade enough money.
Yet I was like I need to makemore money.
That's the problem, I haven'tmade enough money.
So the next year I worked sohard and I ended up making
$100,000 at 26, with no collegedegree, which that was my goal.
If I could do that, everythingwould fix itself.
Remember opening my final paystub.
(08:03):
I didn't feel any different.
Externally, the bank accountwas good and I felt abundant
there, but internally as scarceas you could be.
I remember I had this momentwhere I thought to myself for
most of my life I have livedunconsciously.
The opposite of unconscious ishyperconscious.
I want to live like that.
So I did what any 26 or 27 yearold manold man would do I
started a podcast about it.
(08:24):
It was called theHyperconscious Podcast and I
fell in love with podcasting andI fell in love with growth and
I fell in love withself-awareness and deep
conversations.
But, as you know, in thebeginning there isn't a line out
the door of people saying, hey,this is a great idea.
How much money would you likeus to give you so you can do it
full time?
I really wish that worked thatway.
(08:46):
So I had to keep going to thisjob that now I just hated.
I was traveling for months at atime, staying in gross hotel
rooms, staying up all night.
It was just bad.
So my depression got worse, myanxiety got worse.
I was homesick before I evenleft and eventually I woke up in
a hotel room getting ready forwork.
(09:06):
One morning I was six hours awayfrom where I lived and the best
way to explain it is there was10 televisions on in my head at
the same time and every singleone was on a different station.
And one is saying you're stuckhere forever.
You got lucky, Kev.
You can't leave here.
You're never going to get luckylike this again.
That doesn't happen.
If you ever did leave this job,what would your friends think
(09:31):
so much significance tied up in,I make a lot of money and my
friends look at me differently.
What's your family going tothink so much significance in
being the most quote unquotesuccessful person in my family?
And then the loudest and maybemost obvious one was what are
you going to do?
Are you going to do a podcast?
That can't be the plan.
After this and in that moment, Ithought to myself well, if I
(09:54):
was just to take my life, Iwould take all my problems with
me.
And that is where the desire todo this and tell my story and
be open and be vulnerable and bereal and raw came from.
I really want to be the personthat I needed in that moment.
That is my mission, that is mypurpose.
That's what I'm supposed to bedoing.
(10:14):
I reached out to a friend who Itrusted.
He's now my business partner.
So it worked out.
He gave me some really goodadvice and some really good
perspective shifts.
And then I ended up leavingthat job three or four months
later and I've been doing thisfull-time since then.
For the vast majority of timeit was full-time overtime, no
(10:35):
pay, so we didn't just go fromthere to here, and maybe this is
a lesson for all of us.
This was definitely a biglesson for me.
I remember one day I was walkingaround my kitchen and I had
left my job.
I was the brokest I had everbeen.
I was the loneliest to thatpoint I had ever been, and there
was no prospect of success onhorizon.
(10:56):
I was proud of what I was doingand I actually felt a weird
thing called fulfillment.
And that was the first time Icould ever check those three
boxes.
And I remember thinking I thinkI might be onto something here.
As miserable as it is right nowexternally, there's some good
(11:16):
stuff going on internally and Ifell in love with that, and I
fell in love with adding valueto others.
And here we are, many yearslater and we are doing it better
than ever.
Kevin Palmieri (11:25):
Hopefully that's the goal, and they think, well,
if I just put hard work in,it'll come, and it's like, well,
(11:49):
if it doesn't feel good on theinside, you can have all the
lavish things.
Yet you're not getting thatreal fulfillment from inside.
I want to ask you in yourjourney of self-improvement, how
have you learned to distinguishbetween growth and honoring
your current state of being?
Speaker 3 (12:04):
It's a great question .
I do a lot of reflection.
So when I'm really highemotionally or really low
emotionally, I look back because, very honestly, I don't know if
I actually understand where Iam.
I think I do, but I don't knowif I actually do.
So I look back and I want to besuper, super grateful for all
(12:28):
that has happened from thenuntil now.
And then I think of the futureand I want to stay ambitious to
what I want to accomplish.
So we call it grateful ambition.
I'm grateful for everything.
I am so grateful for the humanI've become and all the work
I've done, the amazingopportunities and the roof over
my head, all of that stuff.
(12:48):
And I'm very ambitious tocontinue this mission and add
more value and help more peopleand just rinse and repeat that
forever.
But I think it's the attempt tohave daily gratitude through
practice, not just saying it,showing it.
I'm grateful for a strong,capable body.
I better be in the gym everyday proving that.
I'm grateful for my wife.
(13:09):
I better be showing that.
So yeah, I think I just try tomake sure I'm walking the talk
when it comes to that.
But, very honestly, I have dayswhere I wake up where I kind of
sort of have to pinch myself.
I don't really know how allthis happened the way it did, so
I think I start with gratitudebecause I don't think I feel
(13:30):
like I'm playing with housemoney.
I feel like that's the best wayto put it.
I'm very blessed to be here andI want to make sure I hang on
to that.
If I get arrogant, all of thisgoes away, and if I ever lose
sight of how privileged I am todo this, all of this goes away,
and it's very important for methat, that it doesn't.
Obviously.
NatNat (13:47):
Understood.
Kevin Palmieri (13:48):
I want to ask you you know the part that
wanted to end it all, or youknow shut down.
Does it ever come and whisperat times?
And if it does, how do you holdthe space of?
Energy for it no it.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
I'm convinced that what happened to me was my core
values.
My core beliefs and my coreaspirations were all in conflict
for too long.
There were too many whispersthat turned into screams that I
just blocked out my core valueof freedom and time freedom and
being able to do what I want.
I would consider this, maybelike a core value of freedom and
(14:28):
time freedom and being able todo what I want.
I would consider this, maybelike a core need of certainty.
I traded both of those inalmost completely for the core
desire, the core aspiration, ofmaking money.
It's way less now because I'veworked at it, but I was so
(14:48):
certainty driven I would findout Sunday night what state I
was working in and then Mondayor Sunday night I'd pack my bag
for however long I'd be gone,and I had never been to the
state I didn't know where I was.
It was just uncertainty all thetime and I was driving six to
12 hours with somebody elsesharing a van.
We stayed in the hotel roomtogether.
(15:09):
There was no flexibility.
I just that was what I did.
So I had no certainty and notime freedom, but I was making a
boatload of money.
So I think I pushed down whatwould have been fulfilling to me
for so long that eventually itjust kind of broke.
A mixture of all that, and Ialways liken it to finding a key
(15:32):
that you think will open thedoor, realizing that that key
doesn't open the door.
So then you go search foranother key.
The relationship was a key.
Okay, that didn't the dreambody, that was a key.
Okay, that's it.
The dream car that didn't work.
And then eventually it's likethe money must be it.
That's the last remaining key.
When you put it in and you turnit and the door doesn't open,
(15:54):
it does strange things to yourmind.
So I think it was really amixture of all of that.
But no, I haven.
I haven't had anything likethat since.
I still have days where it'slike I would just rather lay in
bed than do anything, but it'snot like it used to be at all.
Kevin Palmieri (16:16):
Yeah, so can you let the listeners know what the
difference is betweenself-improvement and
self-relationship?
Are they intertwined or isthere a real difference?
Speaker 3 (16:27):
I think they're very closely connected.
Self-relationship is the wayyou look at yourself which
dictates the way you feel aboutyourself, and I think the way
you feel about yourself dictateshow much you invest in yourself
.
And then self-development,self-improvement, development,
self-improvement, personaldevelopment, self-help any of
(16:48):
those labels is you recognizingthe delta between where you are
and where you aspire to be andthen, hopefully in a positive,
constructive way, filling inthose gaps?
Not beat yourself up, not,you're terrible.
It's not that it's to developoneself.
It's to improve oneself.
You can improve somethingthat's already great.
(17:10):
You can improve somethingthat's already capable.
It doesn't mean that you're notcapable, it just means that
there's room to grow.
And I think, as somebody whohas spent the last eight years
essentially every day growing, Ihave a long way to grow.
There's a lot of growth left,even though I've grown a lot.
So I think they're very closelyrelated.
(17:32):
But I think self-relationshipdictates what self-improvement
means.
Well, I don't love myself, I'mgoing to self-improve myself to
love.
I don't think it really worksthat way.
I think you got to start withthe relationship with self
figuring out where does that alltie in?
Where does that come from?
(17:52):
Where do you love yourself?
And then you can improve that.
I think self-relationship isthe concrete foundation and
self-improvement is the floorsthat you build on top.
Kevin Palmieri (18:04):
So where does habit land in there?
Speaker 3 (18:07):
I think habit and habits in general are the
requirement, is a concrete wordthe best way to improve, from my
perspective at least.
I'm somebody who struggled alot with awareness.
I didn't know what to do.
When somebody tells me what todo, I'm really good at building
(18:31):
habits because I genuinely wantthe result.
So, yeah, habit is what you aredoing day in and day out,
whether it is or is not alignedwith the life that you aspire to
and then how it makes you feelabout you.
Habits are the behaviors thatdictate whether or not you're
going to achieve what you saidyou will, and at times they can
(18:53):
feel constricting.
At times it can feel concrete,for sure, and there's ways to
work with that and to workaround that.
But yeah, it is essentially yousay I want X goal, so I'm going
to determine.
That's the location.
The GPS is essentially thehabits.
It's like all right, I'm goingto do this which is going to
lead to this result, which isgoing to lead to this result,
(19:15):
and then you just check in.
I'm a little off course.
I feel like maybe I missed aturn somewhere.
All right, let me redirect.
And essentially, when you dothat for long enough, I missed a
turn somewhere.
All right, let me redirect.
And, essentially, when you dothat for long enough, when I
started this journey, I trackedfive habits and my business
partner suggested it and I saidI'm terrible, no, I don't want
to do that Sounds terrible, Idon't want to do that.
And it was like, oh, this issomething All right, so I can.
(19:37):
If I know how much money's inmy bank account, that's like
good, now I have awareness and Ican.
Okay, cool, let me do that.
And now it's I don't know howmany, it's 20 something habits
maybe.
And now, when I wake up, I knowexactly what I can be doing to
get closer to my goals.
And that level of certainty isand clarity is such a privilege.
(19:58):
So, yeah, it essentiallybecomes the roadmap on how to
get from where you are today towhere you want to get to.
And the beautiful thing aboutit is you can hit the gas harder
, you can take your foot off thegas, you can hit the brakes,
you can go in a differentdirection.
There's a lot of flexibilitywithin the consistency I would
(20:18):
say.
Kevin Palmieri (20:19):
Say, if somebody is coming to you to ask about
habits, and how do I start tocreate this and develop my
self-awareness and consistency?
Because the main thing isconsistency.
It's very easy to createsomething.
It's very easy to dismantle theconsistency.
That's the hard part and that'swhere the journey and success
is successes.
(20:43):
So could you walk us throughwhat that would look like?
Like, say myself, I'm coming toyou and I'm like I don't know
how to do the habits and beconsistent with it.
So could you walk me throughthat?
Speaker 3 (20:50):
Yeah, of course.
So first thing I would ask youis where are you consistent?
So we always dive in anidentity.
Identity is every, like yousaid, we can set the goals.
That doesn't matter.
It.
Almost I could give you thehabits, it doesn't matter.
The identity is where we needto start.
So I'm looking for two things atall times.
One, where are you currentlyconsistent?
(21:10):
We don't even have to talkabout where you're not.
Let's talk about where youcurrently are.
Let's look for the bright spots.
Well, you know, I'm veryconsistent when it comes to
doing the dishes every nightbefore I go to bed, because I
just don't, I don't like wakingup to a dirty kitchen.
Cool, interesting.
Okay, what happens when youwake up to a dirty kitchen?
Well, I just I'm a little bitmore anxious and I feel like I'm
(21:33):
a little bit more on edge.
Okay, cool, so we can, we candig in that.
So first thing I'm alwaystrying to do is figure out okay,
where are you alreadypracticing the behavior you want
?
Always trying to do is figureout okay, where are you already
practicing the behavior you want?
That's one Second.
Let's talk about, on a scale ofzero to 10, how much you
believe in yourself, becausewhat if you're trying to be
(21:58):
level 10 consistent with a leveltwo self-belief.
It's not going to work.
Right now I'm level eightself-belief.
Level eight consistency.
In the beginning, when I wastracking five habits, I was
level two self-belief.
If I saw what I do today, or Iwas advised to do what I do
today, I would have said there'sno chance I could ever do that.
So I want to figure out wheresomebody is in terms of
(22:20):
self-belief and then thesimplest framework is let's
start with what's sustainable,let's practice that consistently
and then, as we do itconsistently, let's improve it
by 1%.
All of that, paired with we'regoing to throw you in one of the
various accountability groups.
(22:41):
So you're in a group with abunch of other people who are
doing the same thing you weredoing and potentially struggling
with the same thing you were.
So we have a fitnessaccountability group.
I post in there every day atthe gym.
You would be surprised at howmuch more consistent people are
when they're in the group.
There's a night and daydifference.
There is Right, there's a nightand day difference.
(23:02):
So what we're looking for thereis accountability making sure
that the goals are the rightsize, also starting from a place
of why do you want the goal?
What's the goal of the goal.
What's underneath it?
Okay, you want to get in acertain level of physical
conditioning?
Why?
Let's be really, really honestabout that.
(23:24):
I'm getting married in sixmonths, awesome.
But we don't need you topretend that you want to run a
marathon.
If that's not why you're doingit, then it's not going to serve
you.
So, that's a big piece of it.
And then if all of that doesn'twork well which is pretty rare
all things considered we usewhat we call a commitment device
(23:44):
.
So there's many different ways.
There's apps that do this.
Essentially, all a commitmentdevice does is it increases the
discomfort of not doingsomething more than the practice
of doing it.
So imagine we have an agreementthat you're going to accomplish.
Whatever it is.
(24:05):
I'm going to send five messagesto podcasts so I can get on as
a guest.
Awesome If you do it.
Awesome, strong work.
If you don't do it, you have todonate $100 to a charity that
you vehemently disagree with.
I can promise you you're goingto do the thing.
You do not want to donate moneyto something that you don't
(24:26):
believe in.
It's just highly illogical andit hurts you emotionally and it
affects your identity.
I'm not the type of person thatwould donate to cigarette
companies.
What am I doing here?
All of those paired in nicely.
You start from a place ofsustainability.
You build belief, you buildself-trust.
(24:46):
It works in your identity.
Awesome, we know what's alreadyworking, so let's double down
on that.
Awesome.
You're in a group with otherpeople, so you want to make sure
you're keeping up.
There's accountability there.
If none of that connects theway we want it to, we'll tie in
some extra necessity with acommitment device.
And a great example of this Amyon our team.
She runs our Facebook group.
(25:07):
She's an assistant coach.
She was somebody who had a lotof sickness when she was younger
.
Her body was fighting back.
She was in a really rough spot.
Alan, my business partner, andher were talking and he said why
don't we start exercising?
(25:27):
You know you're ready.
You want a strong, capable body.
She identified as my body as abroken piece of garbage.
That was her self-identificationfor her body.
And she said I can never beconsistent in exercise.
And he said well, let's defineexercise for you.
What does that mean, he said,is that going to the gym?
She said, no, definitely not.
Cool.
(25:48):
What is it?
30 minutes of yoga, 30 minutesof stretching, shoveling,
walking the dog, walking withthe kids, playing with the kids?
Awesome, love it.
Okay, let's start with 15minutes, cool.
Well, it doesn't feel like it'senough.
Let's just start with 15minutes as of today.
She's exercised every day forthe last 975 days.
(26:08):
We started small, builtself-belief, built identity.
She's in the accountabilitygroup, she has a coach, the
identity is now there, right.
But if she said, well, I'mgoing to work out an hour every
day, it would have never gotpast day three.
It just it wouldn't have.
And the best example of that isNew Year's resolutions.
New Year's resolutions, we setresults, goals I want to
(26:32):
accomplish, blank by blank.
We don't give ourselves enoughtime to develop the identity
underneath it.
It's just we pick a day on thecalendar.
It's like I'm going to be acompletely different person.
No, it doesn't work that way.
It takes time to develop theidentity.
So that's usually the flow ofit, and then, depending on the
person, it might be one coachingcall a week, it might be every
(26:54):
other week.
We have some clients that coachthree times per week.
So it depends.
It depends on the goals and theaspirations and all that stuff.
Kevin Palmieri (27:02):
Yeah, so we just touched on the, you know,
growth and the goal, and youknow, a lot of times people
think that you have to dream bigand I understand the dream big
so that it can activate morepossibility and put you in a
place that's not attainable, sojust keep stretching, stretching
(27:23):
you.
You in a place that's notattainable, so just keep
stretching you, stretching you.
Yet at times growth can justoverwhelm that nervous system to
a point that you're not goingto do anything and it's going to
really feed that narrative thatwell, look, you can't do it
anyways, so just reallyreinforcing that identity that
you just mentioned.
So what is it that you feelthat is, you know, a little bit
(27:45):
harmful and destructive forpeople right now and why they're
not being able to do thatself-improvement and have that
self-relationship and createthese healthy habits.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
I think it is one of two things and I guess it's kind
of the same thing, but it's nothaving the humility to start
embarrassingly small.
I really think that is thebiggest.
So, if we think about it, mybusiness partner and I are a
really good example of this.
He has level 12 out of 10 self.
He thinks he can accomplishanything and for the most part
(28:19):
he always accomplishes what hesays he's going to.
In in the beginning he wouldsay, like kev, you gotta have
bigger goals.
Well, just believe in yourself,go fail forward, just go look
like an idiot, and eventually itwon't suck as much.
It's like that's all terribleadvice for me, sir.
I that's not how I'm wired.
I need somebody to.
In a word, yeah, that's, that'swhat I'm saying.
(28:39):
But many of the people talkingto the masses have 12 out of 10
self-belief.
They don't know what it's likenot to believe in themselves, so
they can't really lead somebodywho doesn't.
I would much rather somebodyset a level one goal and
overshoot it than set a level 10goal and undershoot it, because
if you're somebody who doesn'thave a ton of self-belief, you
(29:01):
need proof.
You need proof when my businesspartner.
He needs to lose, becauselosing ignites him and it keeps
him humble.
He loves losing.
He loves making mistakes.
He loves looking like an idiot.
I don't, that's not the way I'mwired, yeah, so I think it's
that it's almost like we'respeaking two different languages
(29:21):
.
Yeah, I think a lot of peopleassume everybody is like them.
I think most people do.
Most people assume everybody islike them and nobody is.
It just doesn't work that way.
So, yeah, it would be in onesentence.
It would be not having thecourage and or self-awareness to
set embarrassingly small goalsyou can build on, as opposed to
(29:43):
setting world-densing goals thatyou actually don't think you
can accomplish.
Kevin Palmieri (29:47):
Yeah, that's what I teach with the work that
I do is everybody's nervoussystem is different.
Everybody's biology isdifferent.
It's being a mad scientist offinding out what works for you,
not being in that comparisontrap which is so eluding.
There's that statement of aimfor the moon, but you'll land in
(30:08):
the stars and it's like okay.
Yet if I just land in the starsand I wanted the moon, that
could send me in a spiral ofshutting down for a very long
time.
I won't even see that I reachedthose stars.
I will just be so focused thatI didn't get to the moon.
When your nervous system is inchaos yet your goals need
(30:29):
consistency.
What are the practices you useto get yourself centered?
Where you bring the two?
Speaker 3 (30:37):
This is a tough one because I don't think my advice
to me is going to land foranybody else, necessarily.
Kevin Palmieri (30:45):
Oh no, and I'm not asking that.
I'm asking for the relatability, so somebody has an insight of
what it looks like for you.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
I have a very real and honest so, if I'm really
right, like when there were dayswhere I couldn't pay my bills I
mean that's happened in thisjourney for sure.
I definitely gave myself waymore grace of Kev.
I understand.
I understand you don't want towork today and I understand you
have very little belief inalmost anything you're doing.
We have to keep momentum, wehave to, we have to.
(31:15):
We have to.
My emotions right now again, aslong as it's in a constructive
way, my emotions right now,cannot stop me from making
momentum, or these emotions aregoing to stay forever.
Today it's more do you want itor not?
Do you actually want what yousay?
You want?
Yes or no?
(31:35):
Yes, okay, cool, let's do thething.
But I'm very privileged where mylife is set up very well, based
on the fact that I can sleepeight hours a night and I can
eat good food and I can drinkplenty of water and you know I
can do.
For the most part, I can do thestuff that I'm I really enjoy,
I'm really good at and thatfulfilled me.
(31:57):
So very rarely is my nervoussystem freaking out, especially
if we have money in the bank.
If we have money in the bank.
The building could be on fireand I don't really think about
it that much.
So maybe that's the mostrelatable piece is, I have a
very high level ofself-awareness of what really
affects me and my nervous systemand what doesn't.
(32:21):
It's chaos right now behind thescenes, but I feel abundant, so
I don't really care that much.
It's chaos right now behind thescenes, but I feel abundant, so
I don't really care that much.
It can be the smoothest roadever, and if there's scarcity it
feels way bumpier than itactually is.
So I think I always go to thatof.
What does this feeling actuallymean?
Is it real, or am Icatastrophizing something that
used to affect me way more thanit does today?
(32:42):
That's probably where I usuallystart, there.
Kevin Palmieri (32:46):
So on.
Speaking on that, what are thepractices that you use to
develop your self-compassionwhen you feel those personal
challenges are overwhelmed?
Speaker 3 (32:57):
I look at old pictures of me.
I do a lot of.
I mean, if you were lookingover my shoulder on a day where
I was riding the struggle bus,you'd be like are you just
wasting time on social media?
Yeah, it seems like it.
But I go back and I look at oldpictures because I think it's
so easy not to have compassionfor yourself if you feel stuck,
(33:23):
if you feel like you're notdoing well in comparison to
where you want to go.
But you've come so far already.
So I tend to just I look intothe past so I can recognize the
growth.
I just think it's so hard torecognize growth in a silent
when I'm the same as I wasyesterday.
I'm almost no different, andtomorrow I'm going to be
(33:45):
essentially the same.
It's a little little little,but five years ago I was a baby
compared to this and I think one.
It gives me permission tounderstand why I'm struggling.
You've grown a lot over thelast couple of years.
Of course you're going tostruggle.
These are growing pains.
These are growing pains.
So that's one.
I think the other piece ofcompassion is I'd rather have
(34:08):
growing pains than staying painsfor sure.
Growth is good.
I'm all for that.
And then let's try to make surewe're getting our basic human
needs met from the simplest form.
Stop and have lunch.
I know you're trying to grindit.
I know you want to work a 16hour day.
Stop and have lunch.
Let's stop and have lunch.
(34:29):
And I think, the last thing andmaybe this is key for me I
start every day by pouring intomyself.
Every day I wake up, I learnand I go to the gym and I feel
like that is compassion to me.
I love learn and I go to thegym and I feel like that is
compassion to me.
It's so important for me totake care of me.
I feel fed and nurtured when Icome into the office.
I think I'm way more capable ofhandling the mayhem.
(34:53):
That happens because I'vealready shown myself compassion
by taking care of me On days Idon't exercise.
It is noticeable I'm just offis the best way to put it.
It's so noticeable to me when Idon't do it.
Kevin Palmieri (35:10):
Thank you for being honest and vulnerable and
reaching those listeners thatmight not realize what this
inner work looks like.
A lot of people see the successand the materialistic on the
outside, yet what I was hearingyou say is a lot when you don't
have safety, it doesn't feelgood inside.
If I have safety, then mynervous system is like okay,
(35:33):
it's all right, like this chaoswon't go.
Yet you understand that yourbiggest human need safety, is
the financial piece.
So when the financial piece isbeing touched, it depends on how
that nervous system is going tointerpret things on the outside
.
If you have that financial,that safety, it's like oh,
anything can happen.
I'm not going to get startledby that, and you understand that
(35:56):
for your biology and that's oneof the main death in finances,
that's one of the biggest thingsthat sets us off for our
nervous system, because itsupports our basic need of
living.
And the nervous system has onefunction don't die.
I want to ask you if your pastcould speak to you right now.
As you said, you go and reflectback and look at because I want
(36:20):
to just give this aspect topeople too is when you feel,
when the nervous system isdysregulated and you're
triggered.
What becomes very difficult tonot give yourself compassion is
you don't allow context, you'rejust in very black and white,
rigid.
And I love what you're doing isyou're bringing back context
(36:42):
for yourself.
You're allowing thatinformation to come, not just
like in this moment, to see whathas evolved.
So now I want to ask, if yourpast was able to speak to you
right now, what would your pastsay to you?
Speaker 3 (36:57):
Probably I'm proud of you.
I mean, there's been a lot ofstuff that it's just been brutal
and challenging and mirrorsthat I didn't want to look in
and people places, things, ideas, feelings to let go of and pick
up.
Yeah, probably I'm proud of you.
(37:18):
And stay humble, stay humble,stay humble.
It's easy to feel good whenyou're doing good.
It's easy to feel good whenyou're doing good.
It's easy to feel good whenpeople are saying nice things
about you.
You can't rely on that.
You got to continue growing.
You Just don't ever fall victimto the external thing again.
There's the real world and thesocial world.
(37:41):
Win in the real world.
That's where you win, and thenthe social world is a reflection
of that, not the other wayaround.
So don't ever, no matter howgood it gets, fall victim to
that.
Do more work on yourself behindthe scenes than anybody could
imagine and the front of thescenes will look pretty darn
good if you can do thatconsistently.
Kevin Palmieri (38:03):
Now, what would your future self tell you about
fear?
Speaker 3 (38:06):
If I'm really right, like when there were days where
I couldn't pay my bills.
I mean, that's happened in thisjourney for sure.
I definitely gave myself waymore grace of Kev.
I understand you don't want towork today and I understand you
have very little belief inalmost anything you're doing.
We have to keep momentum.
We have to, we have to, we haveto my emotions right now.
(38:30):
Again, as long as it's in aconstructive way, my emotions
right now cannot stop me frommaking momentum, or these
emotions are going to stayforever.
Today it's more do you want itor not?
Do you actually want what yousay?
You want yes or no?
Yes, okay, cool, let's do thething.
(38:50):
But I'm very privileged where mylife is set up very well based
on the fact that I can sleepeight hours a night and I can
eat good food and I can drinkplenty of water and, for the
most part, I can do the stuffthat I really enjoy, I'm really
good at and that fulfilled me.
So very rarely is my nervoussystem freaking out, especially
(39:15):
if we have money in the bank.
If we have money in the bank,the building could be on fire
and I don't really think aboutit that much.
So maybe that's the mostrelatable piece is I have a very
high level of self-awareness ofwhat really affects me and my
nervous system and what doesn't.
It's chaos right now behind thescenes, but I feel abundant so
(39:36):
I don't really care that much.
It can be the smoothest roadever, and if there's scarcity it
feels way bumpier than itactually is.
So I think I always go to thatof what does this feeling
actually mean?
Is it real, or am Icatastrophizing something that
used to affect me way more thanit does today?
That's probably where I usuallystart, there.
Kevin Palmieri (39:57):
So on.
Speaking on that, what are thepractices that you use to
develop your self-compassionwhen you feel those personal
challenges are overwhelmed?
Speaker 3 (40:08):
I look at old pictures of me.
I do a lot of.
I mean, if you were lookingover my shoulder on a day where
I was riding the struggle bus,you'd be like are you just
wasting time on social media?
Yeah, it seems like it.
But I go back and I look at oldpictures of me because I think
it's so easy not to havecompassion for yourself if you
(40:33):
feel stuck, if you feel likeyou're not doing well in
comparison to where you want togo.
But you've come so far already.
So I tend to just I look intothe past so I can recognize the
growth.
I just think it's so hard torecognize growth in a silent
when I'm the same as I wasyesterday.
(40:54):
I'm almost no different, andtomorrow I'm going to be
essentially the same.
It's a little little little,but five years ago I was a baby.
Compared to this and I thinkone it gives me permission to
understand why I'm struggling.
You've grown a lot over thelast couple of years.
Of course you're going tostruggle.
These are growing pains, theseare growing pains, these are
(41:25):
growing pains.
So that's one.
I think the other piece ofcompassion is I'd rather have
growing pains than staying pains.
For sure, growth is good.
I'm all for that.
We're getting our basic humanneeds met from the simplest form
like stop and have lunch.
I know you're trying to grindit.
I know you want to work a 16hour day.
Stop and have lunch, you knowlet's, let's stop and have lunch
.
And I think the last thing andmaybe this is key for me I start
every day by pouring intomyself.
(41:47):
Every day I wake up, I learnand I go to the gym and I feel
like that.
That is compassion to me.
I love.
It's so important for me totake care of me.
I feel fed and nurtured.
When I come into the office, Ithink I'm way more capable of
handling the mayhem that happensbecause I've already shown
myself compassion by taking careof me.
(42:08):
That's a really.
On days I don't exercise, it isnoticeable I'm just off is the
best way to put it.
It's so noticeable to me when Idon't do it.
Kevin Palmieri (42:21):
Thank you for being honest and vulnerable and
reaching those listeners thatmight not realize what this
inner work looks like.
Like a lot of people see thesuccess and the materialistic on
the outside, yet what I washearing you say is a lot, when
you don't have safety, doesn'tfeel good inside.
If I have safety, then mynervous system is like okay,
(42:44):
it's all right, like this chaoswon't go.
Yet you understand that yourbiggest human need, safety, is
the financial piece.
So when the financial piece isbeing touched, well, it depends
on how that nervous system isgoing to interpret things on the
outside.
If you have that financial,that safety, it's like, oh,
anything can happen.
I'm not going to get startledby that and you understand that
(43:08):
for your biology and that's oneof the main death in finances,
that's one of the biggest thingsthat sets us off for our
nervous system, because itsupports our basic need of
living.
And the nervous system has onefunction don't die.
I want to ask you if your pastcould speak to you right now.
As you said, you go and reflectback and look at because I want
(43:32):
to just give this aspect topeople too is when you feel,
when the nervous system isdysregulated and you're
triggered.
What becomes very difficult tonot give yourself compassion is
you don't allow context.
You're just in very black andwhite, rigid.
And I love what you're doing isyou're bringing back context
(43:53):
for yourself.
You're allowing thatinformation to come, not just
like in this moment, to see whathas evolved.
So now I want to ask, if yourpast was able to speak to you
right now, what would your pastsay to you?
Speaker 3 (44:09):
Probably I'm proud of you.
I mean, there's been a lot ofstuff that it's just been brutal
and challenging and mirrorsthat I didn't want to look in
and people places things, ideas,feelings to let go of and pick
up.
And yeah, probably I'm proud ofyou.
(44:30):
And stay humble, stay humble,stay humble.
It's easy to feel good whenyou're doing good.
It's easy to feel good whenyou're doing good.
It's easy to feel good whenpeople are saying nice things
about you.
You can't rely on that.
You got to continue growing.
You Just don't ever fall victimto the external thing again.
There's the real world and thesocial world.
(44:52):
Win in the real world, that'swhere you win.
And then the real world and thesocial world Win in the real
world.
That's where you win, and thenthe social world is a reflection
of that, not the other wayaround.
So don't ever, no matter howgood it gets, fall victim to
that.
Do more work on yourself behindthe scenes than anybody could
imagine and the front of thescenes will look pretty darn
good if you can do thatconsistently.
Kevin Palmieri (45:17):
Now, what would your?
Speaker 3 (45:18):
future self tell you about fear, fear.
I don't know if fear everreally goes away.
Kev, I think you just makebetter friends with it and,
assuming this version of Kev hasmore wisdom, let's hope he does
.
He has more wisdom than thisKev, he would say.
I've spent however many yearstrying to figure out how to
(45:38):
avoid the fear, but honestly,man, with all the love in the
world, I think you just have togo through it and you'll realize
that the thing that you were soafraid of didn't kill you and,
honestly, it probably wasn'tnearly as bad as you thought and
then that becomes normal.
I mean, so many of the thingsthat you do today you were once
terrified of.
Isn't that the way it's goingto go forever?
(45:59):
That's probably what you wouldsay.
We're going to make friendswith fear, because I don't know
if fear is ever going to go away.
I don't know if impostersyndrome is ever really going to
go away.
I think we just make friendswith it and we know how we
relate to it, and then we canuse that as our superpower, as
opposed to our kryptonite.
Kevin Palmieri (46:17):
Yeah.
I want to ask you, being a maleand the journey that you've
gone through, what is somethingthat you would want to offer to
males about emotions?
Speaker 3 (46:31):
I think most of the things that are considered weak
are defined as weak from weakpeople, not strong people.
So if I was to be on here andsay, oh, if you cry, you're not
a man, that's dumb.
That is dumb.
There is no logical reason forthat, it's just that is a highly
(46:51):
emotional response to showingvulnerability.
I'm convinced the morevulnerable you are in authentic
relationships and avulnerability just means showing
emotion when you don't want tonecessarily the more vulnerable
you are in meaningful, intimaterelationships, the better those
relationships will be.
So if you want to have deeplymeaningful relationships, you've
(47:13):
got to show emotion.
If you want to connect deeplywith other humans, you've got to
show emotion.
It doesn't make you weak.
It doesn't make you any lessdesirable.
Honestly, from what I'velearned, it makes you more
desirable by people.
They want to be around, peoplewith emotional intelligence, and
emotional intelligence startswith you.
So luckily, I think it'sbecoming way more common for
(47:38):
people to talk about stuff likethat.
But if you're listening to aman and he's giving you advice
and you think he's a strong manand he tells you never to show
your emotions, I think we havethe definition of strong
misconstrued and there is somuch strength in showing what's
real and you never know who'slistening on the other side.
You never know you might changesomebody's life by telling your
(48:01):
honest truth and that feelsreally freaking good.
Kevin Palmieri (48:04):
Yes.
Now, Kevin, I know many of themare like okay, where can I find
him?
So can you let everybody knowwhere they can find you, what
your offerings are, and go fromthere?
Speaker 3 (48:15):
Yes, so Next Level University is the podcast.
We're everywhere YouTube, allthe platforms you can search
that.
You can follow me on Instagrammy handle is at neverquitkid and
we have a million things.
No matter where you are in yourpersonal development journey in
terms of finance or how longyou've been doing it, we have a
(48:36):
spot for you.
So the podcast is always free.
We have free monthly meetupsevery month.
We have a free book club everyweek, a free Facebook group, and
then that goes all the way downto group coaching, live events
and one-on-one coaching.
So no matter where you are, wehave a spot for you, and no
(48:57):
matter where you want to get to.
Kevin Palmieri (48:57):
I do have a deep belief we can help you get
there as well.
Now, what is one intention youwant to leave for somebody
that's listening right now?
Speaker 3 (49:09):
Next time you're thinking about making a decision
, whatever that decision is, howheavy or light it is, ask
yourself is this abundancetalking or scarcity?
And is this best version of meor triggered version of me?
And I think those are again,easier said than done, right,
Easier said than all of that,but I think it's a really good
(49:30):
intention.
Is this triggered me or is thisbest me?
And is this abundant me or isthis scarce me?
You can get a lot ofinformation from a couple of
simple questions.
Kevin Palmieri (49:41):
I want to thank you so much, kevin, for the
alchemy you've done in your life.
You've taken those impuritiesand you've turned them into gold
.
Yet you haven't just kept thegold, you're sharing it with
others, others and you keeprefining and going internally
and offering that vulnerabilityexternally, so that people can
realize it's not to go on theoutside, it's to go within, so
(50:04):
that you can feel thatfulfillment and you can bring
forth what you want to, you know, offer to the world as service
and as purpose.
So thank you so much foreverything that you bring, and
especially with self-improvementand self-relationship.
It's needed in the world rightnow.
Speaker 3 (50:22):
Well, thank you so much for having me.
I appreciate it.
I appreciate you holding spaceand making a safe space for me
to jam with you and you'rewonderful and I'm grateful and
everything that Kevin hasmentioned.
Kevin Palmieri (50:33):
It's going to be in the show notes because at
any time in this podcast if yougot a tingle or it felt like an
aha, that is your nervous system, you know, signaling you that
Kevin has something to offer.
So you know, go check out thepodcast.
Everything are free resources.
That's the biggest thing aboutgrowth.
There's so much free that ifyou were really dedicated for it
(50:53):
, you would expand.
Yet for some reason, we'retethered by money and that's
what gets us engaged.
Yet you know what Kevin isoffering.
There's a lot of resources thatyou can start to do that
improvement and build thatself-relationship.
So go check them out and youknow, like share and subscribe
and leave a review.
(51:14):
This helps the Lift One Selfcommunity and it helps these
conversations get to the peoplethat really need it.
So please remember to be kindand gentle with yourself.
You matter.
Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast, where we break
mental health stigmas throughconversations.
I'm your host, nat Nat, and wedive into topics about trauma
and how it impacts the nervoussystem.
Yet we don't just leave youthere.
We share insights and tools ofself-care, meditation and growth
(00:21):
that help you be curious aboutyour own biology.
Your presence matters.
Please like and subscribe toour podcast.
Help our community grow.
Let's get into this.
Oh, and please remember to bekind to yourself.
Kevin Palmieri (00:35):
Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast.
I'm your host, nat Nat, andtoday we're going to talk about
self-development and what thatlooks like for you.
Also, we're going to talk aboutself-development and what that
looks like for you.
Also, we're going to talk aboutgrowth, and not in the way that
you may think it is.
We're going to talk about theshadow side of it, that a lot of
people aren't being real andbringing you to where you are
(00:58):
and where you can go, not givingyou some imaginary places where
it feels like the donkey,always chasing the carrot but
not being able to really attainit.
So our guest today is Kevin,and he's going to walk us
through what he has discoveredfor himself and what he offers
to his clients.
So, kevin, could you introduceyourself to myself and the
(01:20):
listeners and let us know alittle bit about yourself?
Speaker 3 (01:23):
Yes.
So first of all, nat Nat, Iappreciate you having me.
I am Kevin Palmieri.
I am the founder and the hostof Next Level University.
We're a global top 100 podcastwith 2035 episodes, I think, as
of today, and I've been afull-time podcaster and coach
for the last eight years and Ijust love helping people get to
(01:45):
the next level and I think thatalways starts from the inside.
The best growth always startsfrom the inside out, and we're
going to talk today about someof the downsides of that.
It seems as well.
Kevin Palmieri (01:56):
Yeah, that is no small number, recording that
many episodes, and I know a lot.
The podcast has that manyepisodes and I know a lot.
The podcast has bloomed becauseof COVID and people were stuck
indoors, yet you're a veteranbefore this happened.
So I have some questions aboutyou know your commitment and
dedication in that space.
So a lot of people don'trealize the back end and how
(02:18):
much work you know goes intothat.
And before we started recording, we were talking about the
technology fumbles that go on,that we have to deal with some
of the frustration andeverything else.
So I'm looking forward todiving deep with you and finding
out you know, some things thatyou have to offer and possibly
(02:38):
seeing some things about myselftoo.
Before we start, will you joinme in a mindful moment so that
we can ground ourselves?
Speaker 3 (02:46):
Absolutely, I'm looking forward to it.
Kevin Palmieri (02:48):
So for the listeners, as you always hear,
safety first.
If you're driving, don't closeyour eyes.
Yet the other prompts you'reable to follow through so you
can do a little check-in withyourself.
So, kevin, I'll ask you to getcomfortable in your seating and,
if it's safe to do so, gentlyclose your eyes and you're going
(03:08):
to begin breathing in and outthrough your nose and you're
going to bring your awareness towatching your breath.
You're not going to try andcontrol your breath, you're just
going to let it be in itsnatural state, allowing it to
guide you into your body.
There may be some sensations orfeelings coming up let them
(03:33):
surface.
NatNat (03:35):
You're safe to feel.
Kevin Palmieri (03:38):
You're safe to let go surrender the need to
control release the need toresist and just be.
NatNat (03:50):
Be with your breath, drop deeper into your body.
Kevin Palmieri (03:57):
There may be some thoughts or to-do lists
that have popped up, and that'sokay.
NatNat (04:02):
Gently, bring your awareness back to your breath,
creating space between theawareness and the thoughts and
dropping deeper into the body,being in the space of presence,
of being.
Kevin Palmieri (04:24):
Again, more thoughts may have popped up.
Bring the awareness back toyour breath, Beginning again,
creating even more space betweenthe awareness into the body
(04:49):
being in that presence, being innow coming into your senses,
into your breath, to the presentmoment, at your own time and at
(05:15):
your own pace.
You're going to gently open youreyes while staying with your
breath.
How's your heart doing so?
What brought you on this path,kevin?
I know there's a bit of a dark,shadowy part of it that brought
it in, so would you be open tosharing that with the listeners?
Speaker 3 (05:32):
Of course.
Yeah, I was somebody who I wasraised by my mom and my
grandmother.
I didn't know my dad.
I didn't meet my dad until Iwas 27, with the understanding
that he was my dad, and nobodyexpected me to be any level of
successful, especially me.
(05:53):
So I'm not saying those peoplewere bad for thinking that,
Trust me.
I didn't believe it more thananybody.
Didn't go to college because itjust didn't make sense.
I worked a bunch of odd jobs.
I was a gas station attendant,I cleaned bathrooms and floors
at a hospital, truck driver,forklift operator, just anything
I could do to try to pay thebills and I just got to a place
where I remember thinking I wasnever going to be successful.
(06:15):
I was like success does noteven seem relatively reachable
for me.
Somehow I got a job in anindustry called weatherization
and I went from making 15 anhour to anywhere from 60 to 120
an hour that now I was convincedthis is it.
Hey, we did we somehow.
(06:36):
We somehow achieved success.
Quote unquote so if you fastforward a few years, I was
making good money.
My girlfriend at the time was amodel.
I was getting ready to competein a bodybuilding show, so I was
quite literally in the bestshape I will ever be in, had a
nice car, nice new apartment,great friends.
From the outside looking in, Iwas living the dream.
(06:58):
Internally, I was a freakingmess Anxious, depressed,
insecure, self-conscious, noself-belief, very little
self-worth, just riding thestruggle bus.
Girlfriend leaves.
I was not able to support herin the ways that she needed to
be supported and to pour windinto her wings.
(07:20):
I just wasn't capable of doingit.
So when she left, that was myinitial rock bottom Heartbroken
eating disorder.
After my bodybuilding show, workgot slow, just not a good place
.
I would love to tell you that'swhen I did the work.
That is not when I did the work.
I was like I need to make moremoney.
(07:42):
That's the problem, I haven'tmade enough money.
Yet I was like I need to makemore money.
That's the problem, I haven'tmade enough money.
So the next year I worked sohard and I ended up making
$100,000 at 26, with no collegedegree, which that was my goal.
If I could do that, everythingwould fix itself.
Remember opening my final paystub.
(08:03):
I didn't feel any different.
Externally, the bank accountwas good and I felt abundant
there, but internally as scarceas you could be.
I remember I had this momentwhere I thought to myself for
most of my life I have livedunconsciously.
The opposite of unconscious ishyperconscious.
I want to live like that.
So I did what any 26 or 27 yearold manold man would do I
started a podcast about it.
(08:24):
It was called theHyperconscious Podcast and I
fell in love with podcasting andI fell in love with growth and
I fell in love withself-awareness and deep
conversations.
But, as you know, in thebeginning there isn't a line out
the door of people saying, hey,this is a great idea.
How much money would you likeus to give you so you can do it
full time?
I really wish that worked thatway.
(08:46):
So I had to keep going to thisjob that now I just hated.
I was traveling for months at atime, staying in gross hotel
rooms, staying up all night.
It was just bad.
So my depression got worse, myanxiety got worse.
I was homesick before I evenleft and eventually I woke up in
a hotel room getting ready forwork.
(09:06):
One morning I was six hours awayfrom where I lived and the best
way to explain it is there was10 televisions on in my head at
the same time and every singleone was on a different station.
And one is saying you're stuckhere forever.
You got lucky, Kev.
You can't leave here.
You're never going to get luckylike this again.
That doesn't happen.
If you ever did leave this job,what would your friends think
(09:31):
so much significance tied up in,I make a lot of money and my
friends look at me differently.
What's your family going tothink so much significance in
being the most quote unquotesuccessful person in my family?
And then the loudest and maybemost obvious one was what are
you going to do?
Are you going to do a podcast?
That can't be the plan.
After this and in that moment, Ithought to myself well, if I
(09:54):
was just to take my life, Iwould take all my problems with
me.
And that is where the desire todo this and tell my story and
be open and be vulnerable and bereal and raw came from.
I really want to be the personthat I needed in that moment.
That is my mission, that is mypurpose.
That's what I'm supposed to bedoing.
(10:14):
I reached out to a friend who Itrusted.
He's now my business partner.
So it worked out.
He gave me some really goodadvice and some really good
perspective shifts.
And then I ended up leavingthat job three or four months
later and I've been doing thisfull-time since then.
For the vast majority of timeit was full-time overtime, no
(10:35):
pay, so we didn't just go fromthere to here, and maybe this is
a lesson for all of us.
This was definitely a biglesson for me.
I remember one day I was walkingaround my kitchen and I had
left my job.
I was the brokest I had everbeen.
I was the loneliest to thatpoint I had ever been, and there
was no prospect of success onhorizon.
(10:56):
I was proud of what I was doingand I actually felt a weird
thing called fulfillment.
And that was the first time Icould ever check those three
boxes.
And I remember thinking I thinkI might be onto something here.
As miserable as it is right nowexternally, there's some good
(11:16):
stuff going on internally and Ifell in love with that, and I
fell in love with adding valueto others.
And here we are, many yearslater and we are doing it better
than ever.
Kevin Palmieri (11:25):
Hopefully that's the goal, and they think, well,
if I just put hard work in,it'll come, and it's like, well,
(11:49):
if it doesn't feel good on theinside, you can have all the
lavish things.
Yet you're not getting thatreal fulfillment from inside.
I want to ask you in yourjourney of self-improvement, how
have you learned to distinguishbetween growth and honoring
your current state of being?
Speaker 3 (12:04):
It's a great question .
I do a lot of reflection.
So when I'm really highemotionally or really low
emotionally, I look back because, very honestly, I don't know if
I actually understand where Iam.
I think I do, but I don't knowif I actually do.
So I look back and I want to besuper, super grateful for all
(12:28):
that has happened from thenuntil now.
And then I think of the futureand I want to stay ambitious to
what I want to accomplish.
So we call it grateful ambition.
I'm grateful for everything.
I am so grateful for the humanI've become and all the work
I've done, the amazingopportunities and the roof over
my head, all of that stuff.
(12:48):
And I'm very ambitious tocontinue this mission and add
more value and help more peopleand just rinse and repeat that
forever.
But I think it's the attempt tohave daily gratitude through
practice, not just saying it,showing it.
I'm grateful for a strong,capable body.
I better be in the gym everyday proving that.
I'm grateful for my wife.
(13:09):
I better be showing that.
So yeah, I think I just try tomake sure I'm walking the talk
when it comes to that.
But, very honestly, I have dayswhere I wake up where I kind of
sort of have to pinch myself.
I don't really know how allthis happened the way it did, so
I think I start with gratitudebecause I don't think I feel
(13:30):
like I'm playing with housemoney.
I feel like that's the best wayto put it.
I'm very blessed to be here andI want to make sure I hang on
to that.
If I get arrogant, all of thisgoes away, and if I ever lose
sight of how privileged I am todo this, all of this goes away,
and it's very important for methat, that it doesn't.
Obviously.
NatNat (13:47):
Understood.
Kevin Palmieri (13:48):
I want to ask you you know the part that
wanted to end it all, or youknow shut down.
Does it ever come and whisperat times?
And if it does, how do you holdthe space of?
Energy for it no it.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
I'm convinced that what happened to me was my core
values.
My core beliefs and my coreaspirations were all in conflict
for too long.
There were too many whispersthat turned into screams that I
just blocked out my core valueof freedom and time freedom and
being able to do what I want.
I would consider this, maybelike a core value of freedom and
(14:28):
time freedom and being able todo what I want.
I would consider this, maybelike a core need of certainty.
I traded both of those inalmost completely for the core
desire, the core aspiration, ofmaking money.
It's way less now because I'veworked at it, but I was so
(14:48):
certainty driven I would findout Sunday night what state I
was working in and then Mondayor Sunday night I'd pack my bag
for however long I'd be gone,and I had never been to the
state I didn't know where I was.
It was just uncertainty all thetime and I was driving six to
12 hours with somebody elsesharing a van.
We stayed in the hotel roomtogether.
(15:09):
There was no flexibility.
I just that was what I did.
So I had no certainty and notime freedom, but I was making a
boatload of money.
So I think I pushed down whatwould have been fulfilling to me
for so long that eventually itjust kind of broke.
A mixture of all that, and Ialways liken it to finding a key
(15:32):
that you think will open thedoor, realizing that that key
doesn't open the door.
So then you go search foranother key.
The relationship was a key.
Okay, that didn't the dreambody, that was a key.
Okay, that's it.
The dream car that didn't work.
And then eventually it's likethe money must be it.
That's the last remaining key.
When you put it in and you turnit and the door doesn't open,
(15:54):
it does strange things to yourmind.
So I think it was really amixture of all of that.
But no, I haven.
I haven't had anything likethat since.
I still have days where it'slike I would just rather lay in
bed than do anything, but it'snot like it used to be at all.
Kevin Palmieri (16:16):
Yeah, so can you let the listeners know what the
difference is betweenself-improvement and
self-relationship?
Are they intertwined or isthere a real difference?
Speaker 3 (16:27):
I think they're very closely connected.
Self-relationship is the wayyou look at yourself which
dictates the way you feel aboutyourself, and I think the way
you feel about yourself dictateshow much you invest in yourself
.
And then self-development,self-improvement, development,
self-improvement, personaldevelopment, self-help any of
(16:48):
those labels is you recognizingthe delta between where you are
and where you aspire to be andthen, hopefully in a positive,
constructive way, filling inthose gaps?
Not beat yourself up, not,you're terrible.
It's not that it's to developoneself.
It's to improve oneself.
You can improve somethingthat's already great.
(17:10):
You can improve somethingthat's already capable.
It doesn't mean that you're notcapable, it just means that
there's room to grow.
And I think, as somebody whohas spent the last eight years
essentially every day growing, Ihave a long way to grow.
There's a lot of growth left,even though I've grown a lot.
So I think they're very closelyrelated.
(17:32):
But I think self-relationshipdictates what self-improvement
means.
Well, I don't love myself, I'mgoing to self-improve myself to
love.
I don't think it really worksthat way.
I think you got to start withthe relationship with self
figuring out where does that alltie in?
Where does that come from?
(17:52):
Where do you love yourself?
And then you can improve that.
I think self-relationship isthe concrete foundation and
self-improvement is the floorsthat you build on top.
Kevin Palmieri (18:04):
So where does habit land in there?
Speaker 3 (18:07):
I think habit and habits in general are the
requirement, is a concrete wordthe best way to improve, from my
perspective at least.
I'm somebody who struggled alot with awareness.
I didn't know what to do.
When somebody tells me what todo, I'm really good at building
(18:31):
habits because I genuinely wantthe result.
So, yeah, habit is what you aredoing day in and day out,
whether it is or is not alignedwith the life that you aspire to
and then how it makes you feelabout you.
Habits are the behaviors thatdictate whether or not you're
going to achieve what you saidyou will, and at times they can
(18:53):
feel constricting.
At times it can feel concrete,for sure, and there's ways to
work with that and to workaround that.
But yeah, it is essentially yousay I want X goal, so I'm going
to determine.
That's the location.
The GPS is essentially thehabits.
It's like all right, I'm goingto do this which is going to
lead to this result, which isgoing to lead to this result,
(19:15):
and then you just check in.
I'm a little off course.
I feel like maybe I missed aturn somewhere.
All right, let me redirect.
And essentially, when you dothat for long enough, I missed a
turn somewhere.
All right, let me redirect.
And, essentially, when you dothat for long enough, when I
started this journey, I trackedfive habits and my business
partner suggested it and I saidI'm terrible, no, I don't want
to do that Sounds terrible, Idon't want to do that.
And it was like, oh, this issomething All right, so I can.
(19:37):
If I know how much money's inmy bank account, that's like
good, now I have awareness and Ican.
Okay, cool, let me do that.
And now it's I don't know howmany, it's 20 something habits
maybe.
And now, when I wake up, I knowexactly what I can be doing to
get closer to my goals.
And that level of certainty isand clarity is such a privilege.
(19:58):
So, yeah, it essentiallybecomes the roadmap on how to
get from where you are today towhere you want to get to.
And the beautiful thing aboutit is you can hit the gas harder
, you can take your foot off thegas, you can hit the brakes,
you can go in a differentdirection.
There's a lot of flexibilitywithin the consistency I would
(20:18):
say.
Kevin Palmieri (20:19):
Say, if somebody is coming to you to ask about
habits, and how do I start tocreate this and develop my
self-awareness and consistency?
Because the main thing isconsistency.
It's very easy to createsomething.
It's very easy to dismantle theconsistency.
That's the hard part and that'swhere the journey and success
is successes.
(20:43):
So could you walk us throughwhat that would look like?
Like, say myself, I'm coming toyou and I'm like I don't know
how to do the habits and beconsistent with it.
So could you walk me throughthat?
Speaker 3 (20:50):
Yeah, of course.
So first thing I would ask youis where are you consistent?
So we always dive in anidentity.
Identity is every, like yousaid, we can set the goals.
That doesn't matter.
It.
Almost I could give you thehabits, it doesn't matter.
The identity is where we needto start.
So I'm looking for two things atall times.
One, where are you currentlyconsistent?
(21:10):
We don't even have to talkabout where you're not.
Let's talk about where youcurrently are.
Let's look for the bright spots.
Well, you know, I'm veryconsistent when it comes to
doing the dishes every nightbefore I go to bed, because I
just don't, I don't like wakingup to a dirty kitchen.
Cool, interesting.
Okay, what happens when youwake up to a dirty kitchen?
Well, I just I'm a little bitmore anxious and I feel like I'm
(21:33):
a little bit more on edge.
Okay, cool, so we can, we candig in that.
So first thing I'm alwaystrying to do is figure out okay,
where are you alreadypracticing the behavior you want
?
Always trying to do is figureout okay, where are you already
practicing the behavior you want?
That's one Second.
Let's talk about, on a scale ofzero to 10, how much you
believe in yourself, becausewhat if you're trying to be
(21:58):
level 10 consistent with a leveltwo self-belief.
It's not going to work.
Right now I'm level eightself-belief.
Level eight consistency.
In the beginning, when I wastracking five habits, I was
level two self-belief.
If I saw what I do today, or Iwas advised to do what I do
today, I would have said there'sno chance I could ever do that.
So I want to figure out wheresomebody is in terms of
(22:20):
self-belief and then thesimplest framework is let's
start with what's sustainable,let's practice that consistently
and then, as we do itconsistently, let's improve it
by 1%.
All of that, paired with we'regoing to throw you in one of the
various accountability groups.
(22:41):
So you're in a group with abunch of other people who are
doing the same thing you weredoing and potentially struggling
with the same thing you were.
So we have a fitnessaccountability group.
I post in there every day atthe gym.
You would be surprised at howmuch more consistent people are
when they're in the group.
There's a night and daydifference.
There is Right, there's a nightand day difference.
(23:02):
So what we're looking for thereis accountability making sure
that the goals are the rightsize, also starting from a place
of why do you want the goal?
What's the goal of the goal.
What's underneath it?
Okay, you want to get in acertain level of physical
conditioning?
Why?
Let's be really, really honestabout that.
(23:24):
I'm getting married in sixmonths, awesome.
But we don't need you topretend that you want to run a
marathon.
If that's not why you're doingit, then it's not going to serve
you.
So, that's a big piece of it.
And then if all of that doesn'twork well which is pretty rare
all things considered we usewhat we call a commitment device
(23:44):
.
So there's many different ways.
There's apps that do this.
Essentially, all a commitmentdevice does is it increases the
discomfort of not doingsomething more than the practice
of doing it.
So imagine we have an agreementthat you're going to accomplish.
Whatever it is.
(24:05):
I'm going to send five messagesto podcasts so I can get on as
a guest.
Awesome If you do it.
Awesome, strong work.
If you don't do it, you have todonate $100 to a charity that
you vehemently disagree with.
I can promise you you're goingto do the thing.
You do not want to donate moneyto something that you don't
(24:26):
believe in.
It's just highly illogical andit hurts you emotionally and it
affects your identity.
I'm not the type of person thatwould donate to cigarette
companies.
What am I doing here?
All of those paired in nicely.
You start from a place ofsustainability.
You build belief, you buildself-trust.
(24:46):
It works in your identity.
Awesome, we know what's alreadyworking, so let's double down
on that.
Awesome.
You're in a group with otherpeople, so you want to make sure
you're keeping up.
There's accountability there.
If none of that connects theway we want it to, we'll tie in
some extra necessity with acommitment device.
And a great example of this Amyon our team.
She runs our Facebook group.
(25:07):
She's an assistant coach.
She was somebody who had a lotof sickness when she was younger
.
Her body was fighting back.
She was in a really rough spot.
Alan, my business partner, andher were talking and he said why
don't we start exercising?
(25:27):
You know you're ready.
You want a strong, capable body.
She identified as my body as abroken piece of garbage.
That was her self-identificationfor her body.
And she said I can never beconsistent in exercise.
And he said well, let's defineexercise for you.
What does that mean, he said,is that going to the gym?
She said, no, definitely not.
Cool.
(25:48):
What is it?
30 minutes of yoga, 30 minutesof stretching, shoveling,
walking the dog, walking withthe kids, playing with the kids?
Awesome, love it.
Okay, let's start with 15minutes, cool.
Well, it doesn't feel like it'senough.
Let's just start with 15minutes as of today.
She's exercised every day forthe last 975 days.
(26:08):
We started small, builtself-belief, built identity.
She's in the accountabilitygroup, she has a coach, the
identity is now there, right.
But if she said, well, I'mgoing to work out an hour every
day, it would have never gotpast day three.
It just it wouldn't have.
And the best example of that isNew Year's resolutions.
New Year's resolutions, we setresults, goals I want to
(26:32):
accomplish, blank by blank.
We don't give ourselves enoughtime to develop the identity
underneath it.
It's just we pick a day on thecalendar.
It's like I'm going to be acompletely different person.
No, it doesn't work that way.
It takes time to develop theidentity.
So that's usually the flow ofit, and then, depending on the
person, it might be one coachingcall a week, it might be every
(26:54):
other week.
We have some clients that coachthree times per week.
So it depends.
It depends on the goals and theaspirations and all that stuff.
Kevin Palmieri (27:02):
Yeah, so we just touched on the, you know,
growth and the goal, and youknow, a lot of times people
think that you have to dream bigand I understand the dream big
so that it can activate morepossibility and put you in a
place that's not attainable, sojust keep stretching, stretching
(27:23):
you.
You in a place that's notattainable, so just keep
stretching you, stretching you.
Yet at times growth can justoverwhelm that nervous system to
a point that you're not goingto do anything and it's going to
really feed that narrative thatwell, look, you can't do it
anyways, so just reallyreinforcing that identity that
you just mentioned.
So what is it that you feelthat is, you know, a little bit
(27:45):
harmful and destructive forpeople right now and why they're
not being able to do thatself-improvement and have that
self-relationship and createthese healthy habits.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
I think it is one of two things and I guess it's kind
of the same thing, but it's nothaving the humility to start
embarrassingly small.
I really think that is thebiggest.
So, if we think about it, mybusiness partner and I are a
really good example of this.
He has level 12 out of 10 self.
He thinks he can accomplishanything and for the most part
(28:19):
he always accomplishes what hesays he's going to.
In in the beginning he wouldsay, like kev, you gotta have
bigger goals.
Well, just believe in yourself,go fail forward, just go look
like an idiot, and eventually itwon't suck as much.
It's like that's all terribleadvice for me, sir.
I that's not how I'm wired.
I need somebody to.
In a word, yeah, that's, that'swhat I'm saying.
(28:39):
But many of the people talkingto the masses have 12 out of 10
self-belief.
They don't know what it's likenot to believe in themselves, so
they can't really lead somebodywho doesn't.
I would much rather somebodyset a level one goal and
overshoot it than set a level 10goal and undershoot it, because
if you're somebody who doesn'thave a ton of self-belief, you
(29:01):
need proof.
You need proof when my businesspartner.
He needs to lose, becauselosing ignites him and it keeps
him humble.
He loves losing.
He loves making mistakes.
He loves looking like an idiot.
I don't, that's not the way I'mwired, yeah, so I think it's
that it's almost like we'respeaking two different languages
(29:21):
.
Yeah, I think a lot of peopleassume everybody is like them.
I think most people do.
Most people assume everybody islike them and nobody is.
It just doesn't work that way.
So, yeah, it would be in onesentence.
It would be not having thecourage and or self-awareness to
set embarrassingly small goalsyou can build on, as opposed to
(29:43):
setting world-densing goals thatyou actually don't think you
can accomplish.
Kevin Palmieri (29:47):
Yeah, that's what I teach with the work that
I do is everybody's nervoussystem is different.
Everybody's biology isdifferent.
It's being a mad scientist offinding out what works for you,
not being in that comparisontrap which is so eluding.
There's that statement of aimfor the moon, but you'll land in
(30:08):
the stars and it's like okay.
Yet if I just land in the starsand I wanted the moon, that
could send me in a spiral ofshutting down for a very long
time.
I won't even see that I reachedthose stars.
I will just be so focused thatI didn't get to the moon.
When your nervous system is inchaos yet your goals need
(30:29):
consistency.
What are the practices you useto get yourself centered?
Where you bring the two?
Speaker 3 (30:37):
This is a tough one because I don't think my advice
to me is going to land foranybody else, necessarily.
Kevin Palmieri (30:45):
Oh no, and I'm not asking that.
I'm asking for the relatability, so somebody has an insight of
what it looks like for you.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
I have a very real and honest so, if I'm really
right, like when there were dayswhere I couldn't pay my bills I
mean that's happened in thisjourney for sure.
I definitely gave myself waymore grace of Kev.
I understand.
I understand you don't want towork today and I understand you
have very little belief inalmost anything you're doing.
We have to keep momentum, wehave to, we have to.
(31:15):
We have to.
My emotions right now again, aslong as it's in a constructive
way, my emotions right now,cannot stop me from making
momentum, or these emotions aregoing to stay forever.
Today it's more do you want itor not?
Do you actually want what yousay?
You want?
Yes or no?
(31:35):
Yes, okay, cool, let's do thething.
But I'm very privileged where mylife is set up very well, based
on the fact that I can sleepeight hours a night and I can
eat good food and I can drinkplenty of water and you know I
can do.
For the most part, I can do thestuff that I'm I really enjoy,
I'm really good at and thatfulfilled me.
(31:57):
So very rarely is my nervoussystem freaking out, especially
if we have money in the bank.
If we have money in the bank.
The building could be on fireand I don't really think about
it that much.
So maybe that's the mostrelatable piece is, I have a
very high level ofself-awareness of what really
affects me and my nervous systemand what doesn't.
(32:21):
It's chaos right now behind thescenes, but I feel abundant, so
I don't really care that much.
It's chaos right now behind thescenes, but I feel abundant, so
I don't really care that much.
It can be the smoothest roadever, and if there's scarcity it
feels way bumpier than itactually is.
So I think I always go to thatof.
What does this feeling actuallymean?
Is it real, or am Icatastrophizing something that
used to affect me way more thanit does today?
(32:42):
That's probably where I usuallystart, there.
Kevin Palmieri (32:46):
So on.
Speaking on that, what are thepractices that you use to
develop your self-compassionwhen you feel those personal
challenges are overwhelmed?
Speaker 3 (32:57):
I look at old pictures of me.
I do a lot of.
I mean, if you were lookingover my shoulder on a day where
I was riding the struggle bus,you'd be like are you just
wasting time on social media?
Yeah, it seems like it.
But I go back and I look at oldpictures because I think it's
so easy not to have compassionfor yourself if you feel stuck,
(33:23):
if you feel like you're notdoing well in comparison to
where you want to go.
But you've come so far already.
So I tend to just I look intothe past so I can recognize the
growth.
I just think it's so hard torecognize growth in a silent
when I'm the same as I wasyesterday.
I'm almost no different, andtomorrow I'm going to be
(33:45):
essentially the same.
It's a little little little,but five years ago I was a baby
compared to this and I think one.
It gives me permission tounderstand why I'm struggling.
You've grown a lot over thelast couple of years.
Of course you're going tostruggle.
These are growing pains.
These are growing pains.
So that's one.
I think the other piece ofcompassion is I'd rather have
(34:08):
growing pains than staying painsfor sure.
Growth is good.
I'm all for that.
And then let's try to make surewe're getting our basic human
needs met from the simplest form.
Stop and have lunch.
I know you're trying to grindit.
I know you want to work a 16hour day.
Stop and have lunch.
Let's stop and have lunch.
(34:29):
And I think, the last thing andmaybe this is key for me I
start every day by pouring intomyself.
Every day I wake up, I learnand I go to the gym and I feel
like that is compassion to me.
I love learn and I go to thegym and I feel like that is
compassion to me.
It's so important for me totake care of me.
I feel fed and nurtured when Icome into the office.
I think I'm way more capable ofhandling the mayhem.
(34:53):
That happens because I'vealready shown myself compassion
by taking care of me On days Idon't exercise.
It is noticeable I'm just offis the best way to put it.
It's so noticeable to me when Idon't do it.
Kevin Palmieri (35:10):
Thank you for being honest and vulnerable and
reaching those listeners thatmight not realize what this
inner work looks like.
A lot of people see the successand the materialistic on the
outside, yet what I was hearingyou say is a lot when you don't
have safety, it doesn't feelgood inside.
If I have safety, then mynervous system is like okay,
(35:33):
it's all right, like this chaoswon't go.
Yet you understand that yourbiggest human need safety, is
the financial piece.
So when the financial piece isbeing touched, it depends on how
that nervous system is going tointerpret things on the outside
.
If you have that financial,that safety, it's like oh,
anything can happen.
I'm not going to get startledby that, and you understand that
(35:56):
for your biology and that's oneof the main death in finances,
that's one of the biggest thingsthat sets us off for our
nervous system, because itsupports our basic need of
living.
And the nervous system has onefunction don't die.
I want to ask you if your pastcould speak to you right now.
As you said, you go and reflectback and look at because I want
(36:20):
to just give this aspect topeople too is when you feel,
when the nervous system isdysregulated and you're
triggered.
What becomes very difficult tonot give yourself compassion is
you don't allow context, you'rejust in very black and white,
rigid.
And I love what you're doing isyou're bringing back context
(36:42):
for yourself.
You're allowing thatinformation to come, not just
like in this moment, to see whathas evolved.
So now I want to ask, if yourpast was able to speak to you
right now, what would your pastsay to you?
Speaker 3 (36:57):
Probably I'm proud of you.
I mean, there's been a lot ofstuff that it's just been brutal
and challenging and mirrorsthat I didn't want to look in
and people places, things, ideas, feelings to let go of and pick
up.
Yeah, probably I'm proud of you.
(37:18):
And stay humble, stay humble,stay humble.
It's easy to feel good whenyou're doing good.
It's easy to feel good whenyou're doing good.
It's easy to feel good whenpeople are saying nice things
about you.
You can't rely on that.
You got to continue growing.
You Just don't ever fall victimto the external thing again.
There's the real world and thesocial world.
(37:41):
Win in the real world.
That's where you win, and thenthe social world is a reflection
of that, not the other wayaround.
So don't ever, no matter howgood it gets, fall victim to
that.
Do more work on yourself behindthe scenes than anybody could
imagine and the front of thescenes will look pretty darn
good if you can do thatconsistently.
Kevin Palmieri (38:03):
Now, what would your future self tell you about
fear?
Speaker 3 (38:06):
If I'm really right, like when there were days where
I couldn't pay my bills.
I mean, that's happened in thisjourney for sure.
I definitely gave myself waymore grace of Kev.
I understand you don't want towork today and I understand you
have very little belief inalmost anything you're doing.
We have to keep momentum.
We have to, we have to, we haveto my emotions right now.
(38:30):
Again, as long as it's in aconstructive way, my emotions
right now cannot stop me frommaking momentum, or these
emotions are going to stayforever.
Today it's more do you want itor not?
Do you actually want what yousay?
You want yes or no?
Yes, okay, cool, let's do thething.
(38:50):
But I'm very privileged where mylife is set up very well based
on the fact that I can sleepeight hours a night and I can
eat good food and I can drinkplenty of water and, for the
most part, I can do the stuffthat I really enjoy, I'm really
good at and that fulfilled me.
So very rarely is my nervoussystem freaking out, especially
(39:15):
if we have money in the bank.
If we have money in the bank,the building could be on fire
and I don't really think aboutit that much.
So maybe that's the mostrelatable piece is I have a very
high level of self-awareness ofwhat really affects me and my
nervous system and what doesn't.
It's chaos right now behind thescenes, but I feel abundant so
(39:36):
I don't really care that much.
It can be the smoothest roadever, and if there's scarcity it
feels way bumpier than itactually is.
So I think I always go to thatof what does this feeling
actually mean?
Is it real, or am Icatastrophizing something that
used to affect me way more thanit does today?
That's probably where I usuallystart, there.
Kevin Palmieri (39:57):
So on.
Speaking on that, what are thepractices that you use to
develop your self-compassionwhen you feel those personal
challenges are overwhelmed?
Speaker 3 (40:08):
I look at old pictures of me.
I do a lot of.
I mean, if you were lookingover my shoulder on a day where
I was riding the struggle bus,you'd be like are you just
wasting time on social media?
Yeah, it seems like it.
But I go back and I look at oldpictures of me because I think
it's so easy not to havecompassion for yourself if you
(40:33):
feel stuck, if you feel likeyou're not doing well in
comparison to where you want togo.
But you've come so far already.
So I tend to just I look intothe past so I can recognize the
growth.
I just think it's so hard torecognize growth in a silent
when I'm the same as I wasyesterday.
(40:54):
I'm almost no different, andtomorrow I'm going to be
essentially the same.
It's a little little little,but five years ago I was a baby.
Compared to this and I thinkone it gives me permission to
understand why I'm struggling.
You've grown a lot over thelast couple of years.
Of course you're going tostruggle.
These are growing pains, theseare growing pains, these are
(41:25):
growing pains.
So that's one.
I think the other piece ofcompassion is I'd rather have
growing pains than staying pains.
For sure, growth is good.
I'm all for that.
We're getting our basic humanneeds met from the simplest form
like stop and have lunch.
I know you're trying to grindit.
I know you want to work a 16hour day.
Stop and have lunch, you knowlet's, let's stop and have lunch
.
And I think the last thing andmaybe this is key for me I start
every day by pouring intomyself.
(41:47):
Every day I wake up, I learnand I go to the gym and I feel
like that.
That is compassion to me.
I love.
It's so important for me totake care of me.
I feel fed and nurtured.
When I come into the office, Ithink I'm way more capable of
handling the mayhem that happensbecause I've already shown
myself compassion by taking careof me.
(42:08):
That's a really.
On days I don't exercise, it isnoticeable I'm just off is the
best way to put it.
It's so noticeable to me when Idon't do it.
Kevin Palmieri (42:21):
Thank you for being honest and vulnerable and
reaching those listeners thatmight not realize what this
inner work looks like.
Like a lot of people see thesuccess and the materialistic on
the outside, yet what I washearing you say is a lot, when
you don't have safety, doesn'tfeel good inside.
If I have safety, then mynervous system is like okay,
(42:44):
it's all right, like this chaoswon't go.
Yet you understand that yourbiggest human need, safety, is
the financial piece.
So when the financial piece isbeing touched, well, it depends
on how that nervous system isgoing to interpret things on the
outside.
If you have that financial,that safety, it's like, oh,
anything can happen.
I'm not going to get startledby that and you understand that
(43:08):
for your biology and that's oneof the main death in finances,
that's one of the biggest thingsthat sets us off for our
nervous system, because itsupports our basic need of
living.
And the nervous system has onefunction don't die.
I want to ask you if your pastcould speak to you right now.
As you said, you go and reflectback and look at because I want
(43:32):
to just give this aspect topeople too is when you feel,
when the nervous system isdysregulated and you're
triggered.
What becomes very difficult tonot give yourself compassion is
you don't allow context.
You're just in very black andwhite, rigid.
And I love what you're doing isyou're bringing back context
(43:53):
for yourself.
You're allowing thatinformation to come, not just
like in this moment, to see whathas evolved.
So now I want to ask, if yourpast was able to speak to you
right now, what would your pastsay to you?
Speaker 3 (44:09):
Probably I'm proud of you.
I mean, there's been a lot ofstuff that it's just been brutal
and challenging and mirrorsthat I didn't want to look in
and people places things, ideas,feelings to let go of and pick
up.
And yeah, probably I'm proud ofyou.
(44:30):
And stay humble, stay humble,stay humble.
It's easy to feel good whenyou're doing good.
It's easy to feel good whenyou're doing good.
It's easy to feel good whenpeople are saying nice things
about you.
You can't rely on that.
You got to continue growing.
You Just don't ever fall victimto the external thing again.
There's the real world and thesocial world.
(44:52):
Win in the real world, that'swhere you win.
And then the real world and thesocial world Win in the real
world.
That's where you win, and thenthe social world is a reflection
of that, not the other wayaround.
So don't ever, no matter howgood it gets, fall victim to
that.
Do more work on yourself behindthe scenes than anybody could
imagine and the front of thescenes will look pretty darn
good if you can do thatconsistently.
Kevin Palmieri (45:17):
Now, what would your?
Speaker 3 (45:18):
future self tell you about fear, fear.
I don't know if fear everreally goes away.
Kev, I think you just makebetter friends with it and,
assuming this version of Kev hasmore wisdom, let's hope he does
.
He has more wisdom than thisKev, he would say.
I've spent however many yearstrying to figure out how to
(45:38):
avoid the fear, but honestly,man, with all the love in the
world, I think you just have togo through it and you'll realize
that the thing that you were soafraid of didn't kill you and,
honestly, it probably wasn'tnearly as bad as you thought and
then that becomes normal.
I mean, so many of the thingsthat you do today you were once
terrified of.
Isn't that the way it's goingto go forever?
(45:59):
That's probably what you wouldsay.
We're going to make friendswith fear, because I don't know
if fear is ever going to go away.
I don't know if impostersyndrome is ever really going to
go away.
I think we just make friendswith it and we know how we
relate to it, and then we canuse that as our superpower, as
opposed to our kryptonite.
Kevin Palmieri (46:17):
Yeah.
I want to ask you, being a maleand the journey that you've
gone through, what is somethingthat you would want to offer to
males about emotions?
Speaker 3 (46:31):
I think most of the things that are considered weak
are defined as weak from weakpeople, not strong people.
So if I was to be on here andsay, oh, if you cry, you're not
a man, that's dumb.
That is dumb.
There is no logical reason forthat, it's just that is a highly
(46:51):
emotional response to showingvulnerability.
I'm convinced the morevulnerable you are in authentic
relationships and avulnerability just means showing
emotion when you don't want tonecessarily the more vulnerable
you are in meaningful, intimaterelationships, the better those
relationships will be.
So if you want to have deeplymeaningful relationships, you've
(47:13):
got to show emotion.
If you want to connect deeplywith other humans, you've got to
show emotion.
It doesn't make you weak.
It doesn't make you any lessdesirable.
Honestly, from what I'velearned, it makes you more
desirable by people.
They want to be around, peoplewith emotional intelligence, and
emotional intelligence startswith you.
So luckily, I think it'sbecoming way more common for
(47:38):
people to talk about stuff likethat.
But if you're listening to aman and he's giving you advice
and you think he's a strong manand he tells you never to show
your emotions, I think we havethe definition of strong
misconstrued and there is somuch strength in showing what's
real and you never know who'slistening on the other side.
You never know you might changesomebody's life by telling your
(48:01):
honest truth and that feelsreally freaking good.
Kevin Palmieri (48:04):
Yes.
Now, Kevin, I know many of themare like okay, where can I find
him?
So can you let everybody knowwhere they can find you, what
your offerings are, and go fromthere?
Speaker 3 (48:15):
Yes, so Next Level University is the podcast.
We're everywhere YouTube, allthe platforms you can search
that.
You can follow me on Instagrammy handle is at neverquitkid and
we have a million things.
No matter where you are in yourpersonal development journey in
terms of finance or how longyou've been doing it, we have a
(48:36):
spot for you.
So the podcast is always free.
We have free monthly meetupsevery month.
We have a free book club everyweek, a free Facebook group, and
then that goes all the way downto group coaching, live events
and one-on-one coaching.
So no matter where you are, wehave a spot for you, and no
(48:57):
matter where you want to get to.
Kevin Palmieri (48:57):
I do have a deep belief we can help you get
there as well.
Now, what is one intention youwant to leave for somebody
that's listening right now?
Speaker 3 (49:09):
Next time you're thinking about making a decision
, whatever that decision is, howheavy or light it is, ask
yourself is this abundancetalking or scarcity?
And is this best version of meor triggered version of me?
And I think those are again,easier said than done, right,
Easier said than all of that,but I think it's a really good
(49:30):
intention.
Is this triggered me or is thisbest me?
And is this abundant me or isthis scarce me?
You can get a lot ofinformation from a couple of
simple questions.
Kevin Palmieri (49:41):
I want to thank you so much, kevin, for the
alchemy you've done in your life.
You've taken those impuritiesand you've turned them into gold
.
Yet you haven't just kept thegold, you're sharing it with
others, others and you keeprefining and going internally
and offering that vulnerabilityexternally, so that people can
realize it's not to go on theoutside, it's to go within, so
(50:04):
that you can feel thatfulfillment and you can bring
forth what you want to, you know, offer to the world as service
and as purpose.
So thank you so much foreverything that you bring, and
especially with self-improvementand self-relationship.
It's needed in the world rightnow.
Speaker 3 (50:22):
Well, thank you so much for having me.
I appreciate it.
I appreciate you holding spaceand making a safe space for me
to jam with you and you'rewonderful and I'm grateful and
everything that Kevin hasmentioned.
Kevin Palmieri (50:33):
It's going to be in the show notes because at
any time in this podcast if yougot a tingle or it felt like an
aha, that is your nervous system, you know, signaling you that
Kevin has something to offer.
So you know, go check out thepodcast.
Everything are free resources.
That's the biggest thing aboutgrowth.
There's so much free that ifyou were really dedicated for it
(50:53):
, you would expand.
Yet for some reason, we'retethered by money and that's
what gets us engaged.
Yet you know what Kevin isoffering.
There's a lot of resources thatyou can start to do that
improvement and build thatself-relationship.
So go check them out and youknow, like share and subscribe
and leave a review.
(51:14):
This helps the Lift One Selfcommunity and it helps these
conversations get to the peoplethat really need it.
So please remember to be kindand gentle with yourself.
You matter.
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