February 15, 2025 • 31 mins
Ever felt drained from constantly saying yes? Learn how mastering the art of saying no can transform your personal and professional life. Inspired by Dr. John Deloney's wisdom shared on Dave Ramsey's site, this episode of Light Up Your Business promises practical strategies to help you preserve energy, reduce burnout, and make decisions that align with your core values. We'll share personal stories about dealing with persistent salespeople, family obligations, and managing employee requests, and why setting boundaries is crucial in these scenarios.
Honesty is the best policy, especially when it comes to commitments. From showing up for a friend at the gym to juggling professional duties, we discuss why an honest no is more valuable than a dishonest yes. Hear about the emotional toll of constantly obliging others and how it can lead to exhaustion and resentment. We’ll offer tips to overcome the discomfort of saying no, manage catastrophic thinking, and maintain integrity in your relationships.
Navigating the delicate balance between saying yes to opportunities and setting boundaries is vital for long-term success. We'll explore how aligning your actions with your values ensures a stress-free and fulfilling life. Through engaging anecdotes and actionable advice, we highlight the importance of consistency, whether it’s refusing substances or handling business relationships. Join us as we wrap up with a call to action, encouraging you to share your experiences and reminding you of the importance of love and faithfulness in achieving both personal and professional success. Tune in and unlock the power of saying no for a more organized and rewarding life.
Say goodbye to overwhelm and self-doubt, and hello to confidence and success. Join the Faith Filled Coaching family today and step into the abundant future you've always envisioned.
Visit FaithFilledCoach.com to schedule your free 30-minute consultation. Let's make your business dreams a reality, together.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tammy (00:01):
Welcome to the Light Up your Business podcast, the show
where we dive deep into theworld of small businesses.
I'm your host, ammy Hershberger, and each episode will bring
you inspiring stories, expertinsights and practical tips to
help your small business thrive.
Whether you're an entrepreneurjust starting out or a seasoned
business owner, this podcast isyour go-to source for success in
(00:21):
the small business world.
Let's get started to source forsuccess in the small business
world.
Let's get started.
Hello everyone, I want towelcome you back to another
episode of Light Up yourBusiness podcast.
I hope you're all doing well onthis beautiful day.
I am actually wanting to talkto you today about saying no,
not, no, I'm not listening tothe podcast, not no, I don't
(00:43):
want to ruin my business.
I'm talking about saying no tothings that you need to say no
to.
So what kicked us off was I wason Dave Ramsey's site, which
you know I'm a fan of DaveRamsey.
I'm a huge fan of Dr JohnDeloney and I was reading some
blogs and some posts that he putout, and he has an article that
I recommend you read.
It says how to say no six tips.
Um, he posted it December 28thof 2023.
(01:05):
So if you go to his uh, daveRamsey site.
You can find it and read it foryourself.
But so I'm going to play off ofhis episode or his article a
little bit and then we'll kindof discuss what I have for you.
Um, he literally says at thevery beginning that he struggles
to say no.
He says I say yes to way toomuch.
I like to help people and getinvolved and sometimes I
(01:26):
irrationally believe thateverything will collapse without
my involvement.
He says I say yes when I shouldsay no because I want to be the
hero and he wants to save theday.
But he said he's not the heroof every story.
It's not his job to take careof everyone and everything all
the time.
It's not his job to be a peoplepleaser and he buries himself
trying to make everyone elsehappy, and it's not his job
(01:47):
either.
So does that sound like you?
Do you relate with John Deloney?
I think I do.
I think, as a leader and abusiness owner, you must get
comfortable with saying no.
It's not as a leader, it's ourjob description to turn people
down.
So it's important to develop ahealthy mindset around saying no
(02:08):
and to understand that itreally all comes down to making
a sound business decision.
In the end, business isbusiness.
There's always a way to say nofirmly, yet kindly.
So I think about this.
Every time I say no, I think,okay, I've literally had
salesmen in my office that Ijust want to get out.
Um, I've had to tell them no.
I've had people literally getgrumpy with me when I tell them
(02:30):
no.
Um, I've had a salesman for amagazine here in town.
He literally was a grown man,larger grown man, and he was in
my face screaming at me becauseI told him my husband would
never go for his magazine.
And I wasn't trying to be rude,I had told him no a bunch of
times.
He wasn't listening to me and Itold him that you know, for us
that's just not the demographicwe're shooting for, and he was
(02:51):
pissed.
I mean, he was in my facescreaming.
I literally had to get someoneto get him out of my office.
It was crazy.
So if you're a salesman, thatis not the way to approach a
sales call.
Let me.
I've also had moments where I'vehad to say no to family members
.
I've had to say no to borrowingmoney.
I've had to say no to time off,and that is hard.
I don't do that very often, butonce in a while if everybody's
(03:12):
asking at the same time I can'thave everyone gone.
You know it always makes mefeel kind of bad.
I do struggle with saying nomyself.
I'm a people person.
I want to help everybody.
I guess that sometimes I'm apeople pleaser.
I sometimes say yes to things Ishouldn't, and then I stay too
long and then I eventually haveenough.
And anyone who knows me knowsthat I've been in some
(03:33):
situations that I should havegot out of sooner.
But I, you know, I try to beloyal, I try to be a good person
and I talk myself into stayingand then eventually I have
enough.
And it's like a parent you knowyour kids are doing stuff
they're not supposed to and youtell them stop it, stop it, stop
it, stop it.
And then eventually you've hadenough right.
And so we don't want to get tothat point that we want to say
no now so you can save yourenergy, your time and basically
(03:59):
say yes to things you need tosay yes to and no to things you
need to say no to so it lets youdo other things that are more
in your wheelhouse or moreimportant right.
So let's realize that there ispower in saying no.
Saying no is a way that we cantake care of ourselves and those
around us.
When we respect our own needsand boundaries, we respect and
honor those around us.
As a leader, it's important tomodel this and stand firm on
(04:21):
what is best for you and yourbusiness.
So today we're going to discusswhy it's difficult to say no.
And then, according to John inhis article, he had six tips how
to say no.
So we're going to talk aboutthose.
So again, I'm referencing thisarticle from John Maloney If you
go to Ramsey Solutions you canfind it on there and he talks
about if we say yes, when wemean no, end up exhausted,
(04:44):
anxious, and we eventually burnout.
Plus there can become resentment, anger, frustration.
He says you just don't have theright to say no.
You have the responsibility to,because if you, if you say yes
to stuff you don't have the timefor, well, you're going to do a
terrible job.
I've had people and that that'swhat bothers me if you, if you
can't do it or you don't want todo it, say no.
(05:05):
But when you say yes and thenyou don't show up, or you say
yes and you don't do it.
That is so frustrating to mebecause it's disrespectful, it's
not honorable, it's basicallylying in my opinion.
And so if you can't do it, it'sokay.
Just say no and you know.
(05:29):
If you have a reason why, great, throw that in there.
But if not, it's okay too,because when you're unable to
show up as the high-performingbusiness owner or your as a
friend or a spouse or a parent,then if you know you can do
better and you don't, you'rebasically staying caught in
people-pleasing tendencies andyou don't want to do that.
When it comes to learning how tosay no, we have to choose the
guilt of disappointing someoneover resenting them because we
said yes.
And I'm telling you, if someoneconsistently doesn't show up
(05:50):
I've had this happen to merecently in a business
relationship I had, and I had tofinally let the business
relationship go because it justkept saying yes, yes, yes, even
though I'm clearly saying to youare you sure you're going to
really do this?
Are you going to really to dothis?
Is this something you can do?
And it was actually just askingthem to do their job.
I mean, as a business owner,it's their job, not my job, um,
but the person just said yep,and then wouldn't show up and
(06:11):
yep, I'll meet you there.
And doesn't show up, and it'sthe most frustrating thing
because it made me feel veryunappreciated.
It made me feel very, um, hurt,and then it's like I got
resentment and then it's like Idon't want to do this anymore.
You know Cause?
I believe if I say yes, I willbe there, and that's why I
always say like when I commit tothe gym, I do better when I
have someone to go with, becauseif I have a friend or my spouse
(06:31):
or someone's going to meet methere, you better freaking
believe I'm going to be there.
I'm going to be damn sick andway sick if I don't show up.
And I've been to the gym sick,you know, like not something
that's going to spread toeverybody, but just not feeling
good at all.
And I showed up because I toldsomeone I would be there.
So you got to stand up forwhat's right and you got to do
what you say you're going to do.
But that's why it's importantif you can't do it or don't want
(06:52):
to do it, you say no, becauseif you say yes all the time, you
can't always show up fully forthem if you're not able to do it
and then you're left exhaustedand resentful.
And John Deloney said deeply,internalize this important truth
An honest no is always betterthan a dishonest yes.
I mean, I think anything beinghonest is always the best policy
(07:13):
.
I am not a fan of lying, I'mnot a fan of liars.
I don't want to be aroundpeople like that because I can't
trust you, I can't believe inyou, I can't support you, I
can't even believe that you'regoing to be there for me, which
is what a relationship is right.
So why is it so hard to say no?
So I'm going to refer to thesesix points that John Deloney
(07:33):
brought up.
One of them is saying no can beuncomfortable and awkward.
Obviously we don't want todisappoint people, we don't want
to hurt their feelings, and alot of people avoid it and they
can't do and they say yes andthen they don't show up or they
just half-ass it.
So it's okay to beuncomfortable and awkward
sometimes, you know, it's okayto tell people.
I can't do that right now.
I don't have the mental spacefor it, I don't have the ability
(07:53):
for it, because if you tell methe truth, I will respect that.
I may not love it, I may notlike it, but I will appreciate
it.
I will be able to continuemoving forward with you because
you were honest.
We have to remember that ourminds tend to jump to the worst
possible scenario.
We catastrophize I can't evensay this word we make it bigger
(08:14):
than it really is in reality,right Like we make a mountain
out of a molehill.
And so our greatest fearprobably won't happen, but in
our mind we're going to play itover and over, thinking you know
, why didn't this person show up?
Um, what happened to them?
Are they mad at me?
And then you start, you know,putting all these thoughts in
your heads that aren't evenaccurate.
And within business, it's goodto prepare for potential issues
(08:35):
that may arise, but it's alsoimportant to not ruminate on the
negative, which could justimpact your team or your
business in negative ways.
And you know that's happened tome with business partners I had
and things, because they don'tcommunicate or they won't talk
to me or they just cut me off,and then I have no idea what's
happening.
And then I have to start makingall these things up in my mind,
trying to figure it out, andthen it just makes it way worse.
(08:56):
Also, we care about otherpeople's feelings and we care
about them sometimes more thanour own needs.
You know we put other peopleahead of us, which is not good.
I tend to do that very much,and he said in there depending
on the dynamics within ourfamily, we may have learned from
a young age to avoid conflictand keep the peace by making
sure everyone else was happy.
As a child, this kept you safe,but as an adult, disregarding
(09:20):
your needs is a surefire way tobuild deep resentment.
I know some people personallythat are experiencing this.
They're in relationships andthey're being told who they can
be friends with, who they can bein business with, and I think
you know, yeah, that might work.
Now that's a controlling way tokeep someone, but at the end of
the day, that person is goingto become resentful for you
because their relationships havenow died, they've lost them.
(09:40):
You know, maybe this person wasgood for their business and
they cut them out because ofwhat this other person wanted,
and you know it's going toaffect their business, and so I
don't want to keep people in mylife because I control them or
because I'm forcing them to bethere, or, you know, if
someone's in my life and I wantthem to stay in my life.
I have to treat them right andI can't control everything they
(10:01):
do.
That doesn't work and that'sagain going in the same thing.
I'm not going to go ask someone, can you do this for me?
Because I know they're going todo it, because they're a people
pleaser.
I'm going to ask them because Ithink they can do it, but if
they say no, it's okay.
I'll move on to the next personor the next project or whatever
.
So keep all that stuff in mind.
He also talks about we need toshow up and be the best version
(10:23):
of ourselves that we can be, andyou can't do that if your needs
are not met.
It's important to remember thatwe are not responsible for
other people's feelings.
You know I struggle with that.
I take on lots of things andsometimes, if I see someone
struggling or hurting, I'll tryto help them and I'll take on
some of their stuff, and then itbecomes like a pattern that
they see, especially certainpeople, that they're like oh,
(10:43):
this person will just take moreand they just throw more at you,
or they, you know, stop showingup even less, and it's hard for
me to walk away from thingsbecause I am such a loyal person
and so sometimes saying no isno, I can't do that for you.
No, I can't work for youanymore, you know.
No, I can't be your friendright now, you know I'm I'm
extremely forgiving if you justchange and be better and try.
(11:06):
That's all I want for people totry and that's why it's
important.
If you can't do it, say nobecause you're disappointing the
people that you're tellingYou're going to disappoint
yourself eventually and I don'twant to see you guys do that.
I mean, we have enough on ourplates.
Another thing oh, talking aboutpeople's feelings, I have a
note on this so he was talkingabout.
As a kid we learned to people,please, and I've seen that
(11:28):
literally as adults, where Iknow people who are like you
know you're eating their foodand you want to put salt on it,
they get offended.
They're like well, what?
My food's not good enough.
I've seen that with ketchup.
I like ketchup and I hadsomeone one time was like what
you, my food doesn't taste good,you have to put ketchup on it.
I'm like no, I just likeketchup, I want to add adult, I
can add ketchup, it's okay, itdoesn't mean your food's bad.
So things like that, likethere's these weird manipulative
(11:51):
things that happen, and so keepthat in mind.
Like you don't be that person,we don't want to be that person,
you can say, no, I want ketchupor no, I don't want your food
or whatever.
You don't have to eat theirfood.
I have heard he talks about astory in his article about how
if you go to someone's house andyou don't want their food like
you don't want their fruitcakeor whatever they get very
offended by that.
It's ridiculous.
I mean, don't be that person.
(12:12):
Say no, I'm sorry, I don't wantyour fruit, I don't want your
fruitcake, I don't like it, it'sokay.
I saw a meme on Facebook thatsaid Facebook, please stop
recommending people to me.
I do know them, I just don'tlike them.
I mean that it's okay to say no, it's something as simple as
that.
Okay, so, and then he talksabout as a leader.
(12:33):
The other aspect that goes intothis balancing that needs of is
going geez, I can't even talk.
That goes into this is thebalancing the needs of the team
versus the needs of theorganization.
So ways you can help with thatis to create open communication.
You know, make sure everybodyunderstands they can openly
communicate, have meetings tocommunicate these things.
Know the strengths andweaknesses of your team
(12:54):
individually and collectively.
Promote collaboration, you know, bring people together, let
them work as teams, set clearexpectations so everyone
understands what's happening,and then provide support and
resources when they need itright.
So we truly want to say yes.
I think we all want to say yes.
It's just sometimes we don'thave the bandwidth, we don't
have the ability, we don't havethe skills, we don't know how to
do it.
(13:15):
Maybe, you know we're notcomfortable.
So sometimes the when we wantto say yes, like maybe yes to
the work opportunity or yes totaking a vacation with a friend,
but we know that our for ourlong-term vision, it might not
be what's best for us.
So, for example, with thevacation, I would love to take
these trips sometimes, but I'mlike I don't have the money, or
if I do, I'm gonna have to gointo debt for it, and I don't.
(13:36):
That's not supporting my goalof getting out of debt.
Or, you know, you say my, uh,you know, like I'm very family
oriented.
For example, well, your goalthen is to spend Sundays with
your family, right?
Well, then a work opportunitycomes up on Sunday.
Well, are you going to do whatyou say you're going to do and
you're a man of God.
You know you're a man of, oreven that's an example.
If you're very much a man of Godand you believe church is
(13:59):
important and church is onSunday, but you constantly are
taking opportunities for workthat take you away from church,
well then you're not standing inwhat you're believing and
saying and what your vision isright.
So you have to spend that, youhave to keep that and keep that
for God or keep it for yourfamily or whatever it is right.
Or if it's your chance to go tothe gym and you say I want to
be healthy this year, wellyou're not standing up for what
you're saying.
(14:19):
If you're constantly skippingthe gym because a work
opportunity came up or becauseyou just want to be lazy and be
on the couch, you know, once ina while that's fine, but if
you're consistently doing it,it's not.
It's not okay.
So, as a leader, you need totune in and see if your yes is
aligned with the here and now,as well as the future.
(14:39):
Okay, as a businessman, ahusband, what you're saying is
aligning.
I mean, I had a friend that Iknew that was telling me he
wanted to build his businessagain and he was ready to go
back to it, and so we hadconversations and I started to
help him build it.
And then, within four or fivemonths, it was he didn't want to
work anymore and he was notshowing up for jobs.
And it's like that's not whatyou told me.
(14:59):
You know, stick to what yousaid you want to do.
So just keep all that stuff inmind.
And then, in this article, uh,john Delaney talks about we
don't know how to say no.
So it's an important life skillto learn how to say no.
We can communicate and upholdour boundaries in a way that is
respectful and kind.
We can be considerate whilestill protecting our boundaries.
(15:21):
So, as a leader, it's crucialto have healthy boundaries that
are rooted in your values.
That way we say no and that wayit makes it important to us.
The same way, when we say yes,right, we're saying no because
it goes against my values.
I mean, it's literally the samestuff as when we were teenagers
.
And you know, I'm not a drugaddict, I'm not a believer in
(15:41):
doing drugs.
I've just seen what it does toyou and to your body and to your
families, and I remember therewas times I'd be around people
that were you know doing drugs,people that were you know doing
drugs, and they'd offer it to meand I was like nope, it was an
easy no for me because it wentagainst everything I believed in
.
I didn't believe in that.
I just was like no, thanks.
And sometimes they put pressureon and for me it was a solid
nope, I'm good, thank you, andkeep moving right, you don't
(16:01):
have to cave to everything hesays.
That no is the most basicboundary you can set around what
you value and what you won'tput up with.
Most basic boundary.
You can set around what youvalue and what you won't put up
with.
Same thing, in theseconversations I'm having with
you right now about the thingsthat have happened to me, you
know the business client that Ijust had to walk away from.
I had to say no because he justthere was no movement, there
was no.
I would try to meet in themiddle.
(16:23):
You know I would come back to ameeting and say, okay, what do
you want?
And you want your schedule,your schedule change, great,
then give me the schedule youwant and I'll schedule jobs
based on that, or give me thetime frame of you know you want
to be off by this time and I'llmake sure it's penciled out.
Or if you don't want to work atall, cool, but then let me know
that.
So I don't schedule jobs foryou and as a scheduler you know
(16:44):
that stuff's really importantbecause I need to make sure I'm
doing what's best for him butalso what's best for the clients
, based on the parameters hegave me.
And then I'd get theseparameters and then he wouldn't,
the jobs wouldn't get showed upfor whatever happens.
And then I'd go back and haveanother conversation Like what
is happening?
I don't understand, and the,the, the boundaries and the
markers were always moving andhe, he had no idea what he was
(17:05):
doing, what he wanted to do, andso for me it was like I can't,
you're causing so much stressand putting me in turmoil
because I don't work well likethat.
You hire me to come in and fixthings right.
You come in, I come in and tryto make things calmer, organized
, running, efficient.
You know that kind of stuff andunfortunately, that way he
works is very unorganized, verydisorderly and disastrously
(17:27):
honestly, and I mean that worksfor him, great, but that doesn't
work for me.
And so it gets to a point whereI had to say no, and it's the
freaking hardest thing.
I hate saying no.
I hate saying take it back.
I hate saying I can't do thisbecause I want it to work, I
want it to always work.
I want to help you but no waswhat was best, because it's not
working for him.
It's certainly not working forme.
It was giving me headaches.
(17:47):
I was having so much stress.
It's not worth it.
So the answer is no and I'mtelling you I struggle with that
probably more than anyone.
So he also mentions in hereanother reason it's hard to say
no is we are unsure of what ismost important to us.
So it's more difficult to sayno when we're not rooted in our
(18:07):
values.
Knowing our values meansknowing our priorities and in
that we can uphold ourselves tomake the best decisions.
So again, filtering thatthrough what my situation just
was that I was just talkingabout I cherish running a
business smoothly.
I cherish my customers.
You know I cherish collectingthe money.
(18:28):
I mean I want to do businessright and when I work with
someone that doesn't, it's soagainst my values.
It mentally is exhausting, it'semotionally exhausting and
spiritually it makes me feelyucky because I'm like trying to
half-ass it, basically, andthat does not work for me.
I cannot half-ass stuff, I'drather just not do it, and
that's why, eventually, I giveit up and I'm like have it back
(18:48):
because I can't do it your way.
It doesn't work for me, and soI think it's important that one
of the best ways to filter allof this through a situation, or
your situation, is to see ifsaying yes aligns with your
priorities and values.
Maybe something that's a noright now might be a yes later.
After all, the other prioritieshave been taken care of.
(19:09):
You know, I'm not always a noperson, so the way I see it is
if someone came back to me andsaid you know, I've messed up in
the past, I was doing thingswrong, I have changed.
And then you look at, have theychanged?
And you can tell, becausethey're the fruit that they're
producing right there.
Their track record has changed.
So for now I'm not talking onetime, it's going to be a long
(19:32):
time of it.
So you know, months or years orwhatever you can see like, are
they changing?
Are they treating theircustomers better?
Are they showing up for work?
Whatever it is, can I see thatyour values have changed now?
If that's the case, then I willlet you back in.
I will help you again.
But I am not doing it when youhave not changed and you just
fight.
Or you know, I might say Ican't do this position today,
(19:53):
but maybe if I get morebandwidth, maybe if I don't have
as many clients.
You know, life's changing allthe time and things are not
always solid yes, forever.
I've learned my lessons.
I've in the past, as a youngerperson, I would say I'm never
doing that, I will never do thatagain.
And I found myself doing itagain.
You, I will never do that again.
And I found myself doing itagain.
You know, I've went trucking acouple of times and it's not my
favorite thing to do, but Ifound myself there and so I've
(20:14):
learned to never say neverbecause it doesn't, it's not
accurate, it's not, it's notsomething you can guarantee.
So another reason we have a hardtime saying no is we want
people to like us.
I mean, I think if we're allbeing honest think that's
everyone, it's definitely me attimes it can definitely be
difficult to say no when you mayfeel like we'll disappoint our
(20:35):
business partner or ouremployees or our spouse or a
friend.
The truth is, if you openlycommunicate with them, they most
likely will understand why youcouldn't make it to that dinner
or event.
They invited you to doingsomething just so we are liked
by people.
It's really it's pretty muchgoing to lead you to doing
something just so we are likedby people.
It's pretty much going to leadyou to resentment, and we know
what resentment does.
It's a killer man.
It's not good.
(20:57):
Another reason he mentions inhere is of why we're afraid to
say no is we're afraid ofmissing out.
You know FOMO.
So here's I'm going to readexactly what he wrote.
He said it's tempting to chargethat plane ticket to the credit
card so you can go on an annualguy's trip or spend a ton of
money on a new outfit for afirst date.
It feels like missing the tripor wearing an old set of clothes
will cause you to miss out oneverything.
(21:17):
Good, but saying no meanssaying yes to accomplishing a
more important goal, likegetting out of debt or not
chaining yourself to some creditcard company.
You know, sometimes I think Igot to go to this event because
I'm going to miss out on all thefun or whatever.
And then I found out later likeit wasn't really that fun.
I was fine, I didn't reallymiss out on anything, you know.
So you don't want to get inthat mindset of like, but I'll
(21:39):
miss out on it.
What if I don't do it?
You know, and I always talkabout talk to God about it If
it's something big enough thatyou think might be.
He also has a part where he sayswhy is it important to say no?
And I want to just read youwhat he has.
I like it.
It says, as uncomfortable as itmight be, saying no is
(21:59):
important because it helps youprioritize what most matters to
you.
By saying no to situations likeattending social events.
You're not interested inspending outside your budget,
budget, eating food that'sunhealthy or traveling when your
schedule is already full ofmultiple responsibilities.
You're able to set boundariesthat protect your wellness,
peace and resources.
No is the most basic boundaryyou can set.
(22:20):
So think about that.
So now you're saying, okay,well, I figured out that I need
to say no.
That's obvious.
So then the next question ishow do you say no?
So John Deloney has six thingsin here, so I'm going to read
through them.
One is know what's mostimportant to you.
So, as I stated earlier,knowing what your values and
needs are is where saying nostarts.
(22:42):
We need to know what'simportant to us and what our
priorities are for us to be ableto make an aligned yes or no.
When we do so, we use our timeintentionally and feel at peace
with our decision.
So ask yourself what's mostimportant to me in this season
of life and then write downthose five things and then use
those five things as your filterto say yes or no.
So if someone's so, for example, my five.
(23:04):
I just wrote five down quick.
I said attending church,whether it's online or in a
person, whatever you have,that's important to me.
Disconnecting and spending timein God's word is important.
Spending time with my husbandis important.
Making sure I go to therapytwice a week, twice a month, is
important, and then paying offmy debt is important.
So an example would be theseare my five things.
So if someone says to me I needyou to work on Sunday, I have a
(23:30):
coaching client right and theywant me to coach them in
business or life coaching, andthey want me to meet on Sundays
and it's right at church, andthey can say to me that's the
only time I have available.
Well, I can take that and I canwait against my values and I
can say, okay, sure, it's greatto make extra money, it's great
to have another client, but isit going to make me attend?
(23:54):
Can I still church?
Well, no, I'm going to misschurch because that's right.
During that time, um, am Igoing to be disconnecting and
spending time in God's word?
Not during the time I'msupposed to be, because I now
have this client, um, paying offdebt.
Sure that works.
So in this case, it's like, okay, well, it's a no because it
gets right into the values thatI cherish, right?
Or if I have a client or anopportunity or a volunteering
(24:15):
opportunity or whatever, and ittakes me out of the home four
nights a week, during theevenings when my husband's home
and one of my values was spendtime with my husband, I'm going
to say no because it takes awayfrom that.
Now, if it's once a night oronce a week or something, sure I
can make that work, but if it'sconsistent and it's, you know,
going to take away from thattime, it's a no.
Or if, right now, I love a newcar, but the problem is they're
(24:39):
$80,000 and I don't want to gothat far in debt.
I don't want to have anothermassive payment.
So it's an easy sorry, I can'thave it right now.
Right, if I can eventually savecash for it, sure I'll do that.
But I'm not doing it becauseI'm supposed to be paying off
debt.
That's my goal.
So I think that kind of makessense for you guys.
So think about it for yourself.
So what you know, what goals doyou have?
What are your five values?
And then any decision thatcomes in has to weigh into those
(25:01):
things.
Number two set boundaries.
Remember that boundaries arenot selfish.
Boundaries are a gift toyourself and those you care
about.
It means that you spend yourtime intentionally, and when you
honor your own boundaries, youin turn honor others.
Right, because you're going toshow up, you're going to do the
job well, you're going to do thetasks well, you're going to be
(25:24):
there and be fully present,right?
So an example there is like, ifI value rest, you want to be in
bed by 930.
So if something's going to takeyou out of your home
consistently and you're going tobe home late every night,
that's something to think about.
It's probably a no.
And he says, saying no canactually increase the quality of
our work, our schedule and ourmental health.
Remember that your health andyour mental health is super
(25:49):
important and that leads intothe health of your business,
which comes first.
Actually, I'm going to rephrasethat.
I kind of didn't say that,correct your mental health comes
first and then your businesshealth comes second.
Right, you have to take care ofyour mental health, because you
can't take care of yourbusiness if you're not okay and
then your family's not okay, noone's okay, and you don't need
to feel guilty about that.
(26:10):
Talk through your decisions withsomeone you trust.
So when we can confide insomeone that we trust, they can
mirror back what we're saying,which is kind of what we do in
coaching.
You know, people will saythings and then I'm like you say
one thing there, you saidsomething else there.
You're not aligning like andyou need to kind of bring that
to their attention of like, butyou're saying this, but you're
also saying this.
(26:30):
That doesn't work.
You know, um, we can feel seenand heard by talking to someone
else and possibly find deeperclarity on what is the best
decision.
So you could talk to a businesscoach, a life coach, a friend,
a spouse, a therapist, anotherbusiness owner, you know
whatever it is, find someone tobounce it off of Cause.
Sometimes just saying it helpsyou.
Like getting it out of yourhead helps you.
(26:50):
And John Deloney says rememberit's up to you to own your
decision to say no.
Get insight from others if youreally need it, but don't rely
on them to do the uncomfortablework for you.
Don't make them make thedecision for you.
Just kind of bounce it off ofthem.
Four he says choose guilt overresentment.
We choose no.
He says we should not say yesto something just because we
want to avoid feeling guilty.
(27:11):
This leads to resentment.
If you say yes to somethingthat you don't really want to
say yes to, people are going topick up on that and they're
really going to pick up on it ifyou don't show up.
Pay attention to the guilt thatrises up in you when you try to
make a decision, but don't letthe guilt decide for you.
Number five respond withkindness, firmness and clarity.
(27:31):
So he says a lot of the time wegive non-committal answers to
someone because we don't want tohurt their feelings, but really
we need to be clear.
Being clear about something isbeing kind.
So an example would be like youknow, I'm gonna have to double
check on that and see if I havetime, um, or yeah, maybe, maybe,
if I have time I'll stop by.
You know, that's not a yes orno, right, you're leaving it
open, which then still putspressure on you.
(27:53):
And now you're, you're going tokind of give the opportunity
for these people to think thatmaybe they're going to show up
and they maybe get excited foryou to show up and then you
don't.
Well, that's not good.
And then he also says if we, ifwe know we can't make something
or don't want to go tosomething, be upfront about it.
Just say it.
But say kindly andcompassionately, and remember
that when we are clear, we'rebeing kind.
(28:13):
And then he says number six usea script to say no.
It might seem overkill, buthaving a script for different
scenarios that might happenoften it'll help you to
communicate a no and that canalso help the conversation go
much smoother.
So he says plan what to saywhen people invite you to
holiday parties when there's somuch going on, or know what you
what to say when people inviteyou to holiday parties when
there's so much going on, orknow what you want to say when
(28:35):
your business partner asks youto take on another project that
you know you don't have time for.
So he had some examples andI'll just read you a few of
these.
In his article it says you cansay simply no.
You can say no, thank you.
You can say thanks for thanks.
So much for that invitation,but that time doesn't really
work good for me.
I appreciate the offer.
Unfortunately I'm not'm notavailable.
(28:55):
Another thing he says is I wouldlove to come to your event but
travel isn't in the budget thismonth.
Or he says I wish I could, butI have another obligation that
day.
Or another way to say is thanksfor thinking of me.
I'm sorry I won't be able tofit it in my schedule.
Or if they're asking for like,a donation, you could say I've
already planned my donations forthis year.
I mean I do that with salescalls for advertising.
(29:17):
I mean I have a budget, I'vedetermined where my money's
going and I've literally said topeople I'm sorry, my budget has
been spent for the year.
I've already allocated theassets or allocated the money
somewhere else, and then theytypically go away.
So I'm hoping that by listeningto this you can find a way to
say no.
I hope it empowers you to sayno and I hope you mean no.
(29:41):
You say no, don't say yes whenyou mean yes, or don't say yes
when you mean no, but say yeswhen you actually mean yes.
It can be difficult, but Ibelieve in you.
Please share this episode withanyone who struggles to say no,
as well as to follow thispodcast on your favorite
platform you know like share,subscribe.
That way, you never miss anepisode.
Thanks for listening today.
(30:01):
I invite you to share your ownexperience of saying no within
your life or your business byvisiting
wwwlightupyourbusinesspodcastcomor even go on my Facebook page
Light Up your Business andcomment on there.
We'd love to hear from you guys.
I look forward to talking toyou guys next time.
Have a good one and remember inthe world of business, every
(30:24):
success story begins with apassionate dream and ends with a
strategic billion dollarhandshake.
Stay ambitious, stay innovativeand keep making those deals
that reshape tomorrow.
Thank you all for tuning in anduntil next time, remember.
Proverbs 3.3 says let love andfaithfulness never leave you.
Bind them around your neck,write them on the tablet of your
(30:46):
heart.
That way, you will win favorand a good name in the sight of
God and man.
And remember if you like whatyou heard today, click the
follow button so you never missan episode.
Welcome to the Light Up your Business podcast, the show
where we dive deep into theworld of small businesses.
I'm your host, ammy Hershberger, and each episode will bring
you inspiring stories, expertinsights and practical tips to
help your small business thrive.
Whether you're an entrepreneurjust starting out or a seasoned
business owner, this podcast isyour go-to source for success in
(00:21):
the small business world.
Let's get started to source forsuccess in the small business
world.
Let's get started.
Hello everyone, I want towelcome you back to another
episode of Light Up yourBusiness podcast.
I hope you're all doing well onthis beautiful day.
I am actually wanting to talkto you today about saying no,
not, no, I'm not listening tothe podcast, not no, I don't
(00:43):
want to ruin my business.
I'm talking about saying no tothings that you need to say no
to.
So what kicked us off was I wason Dave Ramsey's site, which
you know I'm a fan of DaveRamsey.
I'm a huge fan of Dr JohnDeloney and I was reading some
blogs and some posts that he putout, and he has an article that
I recommend you read.
It says how to say no six tips.
Um, he posted it December 28thof 2023.
(01:05):
So if you go to his uh, daveRamsey site.
You can find it and read it foryourself.
But so I'm going to play off ofhis episode or his article a
little bit and then we'll kindof discuss what I have for you.
Um, he literally says at thevery beginning that he struggles
to say no.
He says I say yes to way toomuch.
I like to help people and getinvolved and sometimes I
(01:26):
irrationally believe thateverything will collapse without
my involvement.
He says I say yes when I shouldsay no because I want to be the
hero and he wants to save theday.
But he said he's not the heroof every story.
It's not his job to take careof everyone and everything all
the time.
It's not his job to be a peoplepleaser and he buries himself
trying to make everyone elsehappy, and it's not his job
(01:47):
either.
So does that sound like you?
Do you relate with John Deloney?
I think I do.
I think, as a leader and abusiness owner, you must get
comfortable with saying no.
It's not as a leader, it's ourjob description to turn people
down.
So it's important to develop ahealthy mindset around saying no
(02:08):
and to understand that itreally all comes down to making
a sound business decision.
In the end, business isbusiness.
There's always a way to say nofirmly, yet kindly.
So I think about this.
Every time I say no, I think,okay, I've literally had
salesmen in my office that Ijust want to get out.
Um, I've had to tell them no.
I've had people literally getgrumpy with me when I tell them
(02:30):
no.
Um, I've had a salesman for amagazine here in town.
He literally was a grown man,larger grown man, and he was in
my face screaming at me becauseI told him my husband would
never go for his magazine.
And I wasn't trying to be rude,I had told him no a bunch of
times.
He wasn't listening to me and Itold him that you know, for us
that's just not the demographicwe're shooting for, and he was
(02:51):
pissed.
I mean, he was in my facescreaming.
I literally had to get someoneto get him out of my office.
It was crazy.
So if you're a salesman, thatis not the way to approach a
sales call.
Let me.
I've also had moments where I'vehad to say no to family members
.
I've had to say no to borrowingmoney.
I've had to say no to time off,and that is hard.
I don't do that very often, butonce in a while if everybody's
(03:12):
asking at the same time I can'thave everyone gone.
You know it always makes mefeel kind of bad.
I do struggle with saying nomyself.
I'm a people person.
I want to help everybody.
I guess that sometimes I'm apeople pleaser.
I sometimes say yes to things Ishouldn't, and then I stay too
long and then I eventually haveenough.
And anyone who knows me knowsthat I've been in some
(03:33):
situations that I should havegot out of sooner.
But I, you know, I try to beloyal, I try to be a good person
and I talk myself into stayingand then eventually I have
enough.
And it's like a parent you knowyour kids are doing stuff
they're not supposed to and youtell them stop it, stop it, stop
it, stop it.
And then eventually you've hadenough right.
And so we don't want to get tothat point that we want to say
no now so you can save yourenergy, your time and basically
(03:59):
say yes to things you need tosay yes to and no to things you
need to say no to so it lets youdo other things that are more
in your wheelhouse or moreimportant right.
So let's realize that there ispower in saying no.
Saying no is a way that we cantake care of ourselves and those
around us.
When we respect our own needsand boundaries, we respect and
honor those around us.
As a leader, it's important tomodel this and stand firm on
(04:21):
what is best for you and yourbusiness.
So today we're going to discusswhy it's difficult to say no.
And then, according to John inhis article, he had six tips how
to say no.
So we're going to talk aboutthose.
So again, I'm referencing thisarticle from John Maloney If you
go to Ramsey Solutions you canfind it on there and he talks
about if we say yes, when wemean no, end up exhausted,
(04:44):
anxious, and we eventually burnout.
Plus there can become resentment, anger, frustration.
He says you just don't have theright to say no.
You have the responsibility to,because if you, if you say yes
to stuff you don't have the timefor, well, you're going to do a
terrible job.
I've had people and that that'swhat bothers me if you, if you
can't do it or you don't want todo it, say no.
(05:05):
But when you say yes and thenyou don't show up, or you say
yes and you don't do it.
That is so frustrating to mebecause it's disrespectful, it's
not honorable, it's basicallylying in my opinion.
And so if you can't do it, it'sokay.
Just say no and you know.
(05:29):
If you have a reason why, great, throw that in there.
But if not, it's okay too,because when you're unable to
show up as the high-performingbusiness owner or your as a
friend or a spouse or a parent,then if you know you can do
better and you don't, you'rebasically staying caught in
people-pleasing tendencies andyou don't want to do that.
When it comes to learning how tosay no, we have to choose the
guilt of disappointing someoneover resenting them because we
said yes.
And I'm telling you, if someoneconsistently doesn't show up
(05:50):
I've had this happen to merecently in a business
relationship I had, and I had tofinally let the business
relationship go because it justkept saying yes, yes, yes, even
though I'm clearly saying to youare you sure you're going to
really do this?
Are you going to really to dothis?
Is this something you can do?
And it was actually just askingthem to do their job.
I mean, as a business owner,it's their job, not my job, um,
but the person just said yep,and then wouldn't show up and
(06:11):
yep, I'll meet you there.
And doesn't show up, and it'sthe most frustrating thing
because it made me feel veryunappreciated.
It made me feel very, um, hurt,and then it's like I got
resentment and then it's like Idon't want to do this anymore.
You know Cause?
I believe if I say yes, I willbe there, and that's why I
always say like when I commit tothe gym, I do better when I
have someone to go with, becauseif I have a friend or my spouse
(06:31):
or someone's going to meet methere, you better freaking
believe I'm going to be there.
I'm going to be damn sick andway sick if I don't show up.
And I've been to the gym sick,you know, like not something
that's going to spread toeverybody, but just not feeling
good at all.
And I showed up because I toldsomeone I would be there.
So you got to stand up forwhat's right and you got to do
what you say you're going to do.
But that's why it's importantif you can't do it or don't want
(06:52):
to do it, you say no, becauseif you say yes all the time, you
can't always show up fully forthem if you're not able to do it
and then you're left exhaustedand resentful.
And John Deloney said deeply,internalize this important truth
An honest no is always betterthan a dishonest yes.
I mean, I think anything beinghonest is always the best policy
(07:13):
.
I am not a fan of lying, I'mnot a fan of liars.
I don't want to be aroundpeople like that because I can't
trust you, I can't believe inyou, I can't support you, I
can't even believe that you'regoing to be there for me, which
is what a relationship is right.
So why is it so hard to say no?
So I'm going to refer to thesesix points that John Deloney
(07:33):
brought up.
One of them is saying no can beuncomfortable and awkward.
Obviously we don't want todisappoint people, we don't want
to hurt their feelings, and alot of people avoid it and they
can't do and they say yes andthen they don't show up or they
just half-ass it.
So it's okay to beuncomfortable and awkward
sometimes, you know, it's okayto tell people.
I can't do that right now.
I don't have the mental spacefor it, I don't have the ability
(07:53):
for it, because if you tell methe truth, I will respect that.
I may not love it, I may notlike it, but I will appreciate
it.
I will be able to continuemoving forward with you because
you were honest.
We have to remember that ourminds tend to jump to the worst
possible scenario.
We catastrophize I can't evensay this word we make it bigger
(08:14):
than it really is in reality,right Like we make a mountain
out of a molehill.
And so our greatest fearprobably won't happen, but in
our mind we're going to play itover and over, thinking you know
, why didn't this person show up?
Um, what happened to them?
Are they mad at me?
And then you start, you know,putting all these thoughts in
your heads that aren't evenaccurate.
And within business, it's goodto prepare for potential issues
(08:35):
that may arise, but it's alsoimportant to not ruminate on the
negative, which could justimpact your team or your
business in negative ways.
And you know that's happened tome with business partners I had
and things, because they don'tcommunicate or they won't talk
to me or they just cut me off,and then I have no idea what's
happening.
And then I have to start makingall these things up in my mind,
trying to figure it out, andthen it just makes it way worse.
(08:56):
Also, we care about otherpeople's feelings and we care
about them sometimes more thanour own needs.
You know we put other peopleahead of us, which is not good.
I tend to do that very much,and he said in there depending
on the dynamics within ourfamily, we may have learned from
a young age to avoid conflictand keep the peace by making
sure everyone else was happy.
As a child, this kept you safe,but as an adult, disregarding
(09:20):
your needs is a surefire way tobuild deep resentment.
I know some people personallythat are experiencing this.
They're in relationships andthey're being told who they can
be friends with, who they can bein business with, and I think
you know, yeah, that might work.
Now that's a controlling way tokeep someone, but at the end of
the day, that person is goingto become resentful for you
because their relationships havenow died, they've lost them.
(09:40):
You know, maybe this person wasgood for their business and
they cut them out because ofwhat this other person wanted,
and you know it's going toaffect their business, and so I
don't want to keep people in mylife because I control them or
because I'm forcing them to bethere, or, you know, if
someone's in my life and I wantthem to stay in my life.
I have to treat them right andI can't control everything they
(10:01):
do.
That doesn't work and that'sagain going in the same thing.
I'm not going to go ask someone, can you do this for me?
Because I know they're going todo it, because they're a people
pleaser.
I'm going to ask them because Ithink they can do it, but if
they say no, it's okay.
I'll move on to the next personor the next project or whatever
.
So keep all that stuff in mind.
He also talks about we need toshow up and be the best version
(10:23):
of ourselves that we can be, andyou can't do that if your needs
are not met.
It's important to remember thatwe are not responsible for
other people's feelings.
You know I struggle with that.
I take on lots of things andsometimes, if I see someone
struggling or hurting, I'll tryto help them and I'll take on
some of their stuff, and then itbecomes like a pattern that
they see, especially certainpeople, that they're like oh,
(10:43):
this person will just take moreand they just throw more at you,
or they, you know, stop showingup even less, and it's hard for
me to walk away from thingsbecause I am such a loyal person
and so sometimes saying no isno, I can't do that for you.
No, I can't work for youanymore, you know.
No, I can't be your friendright now, you know I'm I'm
extremely forgiving if you justchange and be better and try.
(11:06):
That's all I want for people totry and that's why it's
important.
If you can't do it, say nobecause you're disappointing the
people that you're tellingYou're going to disappoint
yourself eventually and I don'twant to see you guys do that.
I mean, we have enough on ourplates.
Another thing oh, talking aboutpeople's feelings, I have a
note on this so he was talkingabout.
As a kid we learned to people,please, and I've seen that
(11:28):
literally as adults, where Iknow people who are like you
know you're eating their foodand you want to put salt on it,
they get offended.
They're like well, what?
My food's not good enough.
I've seen that with ketchup.
I like ketchup and I hadsomeone one time was like what
you, my food doesn't taste good,you have to put ketchup on it.
I'm like no, I just likeketchup, I want to add adult, I
can add ketchup, it's okay, itdoesn't mean your food's bad.
So things like that, likethere's these weird manipulative
(11:51):
things that happen, and so keepthat in mind.
Like you don't be that person,we don't want to be that person,
you can say, no, I want ketchupor no, I don't want your food
or whatever.
You don't have to eat theirfood.
I have heard he talks about astory in his article about how
if you go to someone's house andyou don't want their food like
you don't want their fruitcakeor whatever they get very
offended by that.
It's ridiculous.
I mean, don't be that person.
(12:12):
Say no, I'm sorry, I don't wantyour fruit, I don't want your
fruitcake, I don't like it, it'sokay.
I saw a meme on Facebook thatsaid Facebook, please stop
recommending people to me.
I do know them, I just don'tlike them.
I mean that it's okay to say no, it's something as simple as
that.
Okay, so, and then he talksabout as a leader.
(12:33):
The other aspect that goes intothis balancing that needs of is
going geez, I can't even talk.
That goes into this is thebalancing the needs of the team
versus the needs of theorganization.
So ways you can help with thatis to create open communication.
You know, make sure everybodyunderstands they can openly
communicate, have meetings tocommunicate these things.
Know the strengths andweaknesses of your team
(12:54):
individually and collectively.
Promote collaboration, you know, bring people together, let
them work as teams, set clearexpectations so everyone
understands what's happening,and then provide support and
resources when they need itright.
So we truly want to say yes.
I think we all want to say yes.
It's just sometimes we don'thave the bandwidth, we don't
have the ability, we don't havethe skills, we don't know how to
do it.
(13:15):
Maybe, you know we're notcomfortable.
So sometimes the when we wantto say yes, like maybe yes to
the work opportunity or yes totaking a vacation with a friend,
but we know that our for ourlong-term vision, it might not
be what's best for us.
So, for example, with thevacation, I would love to take
these trips sometimes, but I'mlike I don't have the money, or
if I do, I'm gonna have to gointo debt for it, and I don't.
(13:36):
That's not supporting my goalof getting out of debt.
Or, you know, you say my, uh,you know, like I'm very family
oriented.
For example, well, your goalthen is to spend Sundays with
your family, right?
Well, then a work opportunitycomes up on Sunday.
Well, are you going to do whatyou say you're going to do and
you're a man of God.
You know you're a man of, oreven that's an example.
If you're very much a man of Godand you believe church is
(13:59):
important and church is onSunday, but you constantly are
taking opportunities for workthat take you away from church,
well then you're not standing inwhat you're believing and
saying and what your vision isright.
So you have to spend that, youhave to keep that and keep that
for God or keep it for yourfamily or whatever it is right.
Or if it's your chance to go tothe gym and you say I want to
be healthy this year, wellyou're not standing up for what
you're saying.
(14:19):
If you're constantly skippingthe gym because a work
opportunity came up or becauseyou just want to be lazy and be
on the couch, you know, once ina while that's fine, but if
you're consistently doing it,it's not.
It's not okay.
So, as a leader, you need totune in and see if your yes is
aligned with the here and now,as well as the future.
(14:39):
Okay, as a businessman, ahusband, what you're saying is
aligning.
I mean, I had a friend that Iknew that was telling me he
wanted to build his businessagain and he was ready to go
back to it, and so we hadconversations and I started to
help him build it.
And then, within four or fivemonths, it was he didn't want to
work anymore and he was notshowing up for jobs.
And it's like that's not whatyou told me.
(14:59):
You know, stick to what yousaid you want to do.
So just keep all that stuff inmind.
And then, in this article, uh,john Delaney talks about we
don't know how to say no.
So it's an important life skillto learn how to say no.
We can communicate and upholdour boundaries in a way that is
respectful and kind.
We can be considerate whilestill protecting our boundaries.
(15:21):
So, as a leader, it's crucialto have healthy boundaries that
are rooted in your values.
That way we say no and that wayit makes it important to us.
The same way, when we say yes,right, we're saying no because
it goes against my values.
I mean, it's literally the samestuff as when we were teenagers
.
And you know, I'm not a drugaddict, I'm not a believer in
(15:41):
doing drugs.
I've just seen what it does toyou and to your body and to your
families, and I remember therewas times I'd be around people
that were you know doing drugs,people that were you know doing
drugs, and they'd offer it to meand I was like nope, it was an
easy no for me because it wentagainst everything I believed in
.
I didn't believe in that.
I just was like no, thanks.
And sometimes they put pressureon and for me it was a solid
nope, I'm good, thank you, andkeep moving right, you don't
(16:01):
have to cave to everything hesays.
That no is the most basicboundary you can set around what
you value and what you won'tput up with.
Most basic boundary.
You can set around what youvalue and what you won't put up
with.
Same thing, in theseconversations I'm having with
you right now about the thingsthat have happened to me, you
know the business client that Ijust had to walk away from.
I had to say no because he justthere was no movement, there
was no.
I would try to meet in themiddle.
(16:23):
You know I would come back to ameeting and say, okay, what do
you want?
And you want your schedule,your schedule change, great,
then give me the schedule youwant and I'll schedule jobs
based on that, or give me thetime frame of you know you want
to be off by this time and I'llmake sure it's penciled out.
Or if you don't want to work atall, cool, but then let me know
that.
So I don't schedule jobs foryou and as a scheduler you know
(16:44):
that stuff's really importantbecause I need to make sure I'm
doing what's best for him butalso what's best for the clients
, based on the parameters hegave me.
And then I'd get theseparameters and then he wouldn't,
the jobs wouldn't get showed upfor whatever happens.
And then I'd go back and haveanother conversation Like what
is happening?
I don't understand, and the,the, the boundaries and the
markers were always moving andhe, he had no idea what he was
(17:05):
doing, what he wanted to do, andso for me it was like I can't,
you're causing so much stressand putting me in turmoil
because I don't work well likethat.
You hire me to come in and fixthings right.
You come in, I come in and tryto make things calmer, organized
, running, efficient.
You know that kind of stuff andunfortunately, that way he
works is very unorganized, verydisorderly and disastrously
(17:27):
honestly, and I mean that worksfor him, great, but that doesn't
work for me.
And so it gets to a point whereI had to say no, and it's the
freaking hardest thing.
I hate saying no.
I hate saying take it back.
I hate saying I can't do thisbecause I want it to work, I
want it to always work.
I want to help you but no waswhat was best, because it's not
working for him.
It's certainly not working forme.
It was giving me headaches.
(17:47):
I was having so much stress.
It's not worth it.
So the answer is no and I'mtelling you I struggle with that
probably more than anyone.
So he also mentions in hereanother reason it's hard to say
no is we are unsure of what ismost important to us.
So it's more difficult to sayno when we're not rooted in our
(18:07):
values.
Knowing our values meansknowing our priorities and in
that we can uphold ourselves tomake the best decisions.
So again, filtering thatthrough what my situation just
was that I was just talkingabout I cherish running a
business smoothly.
I cherish my customers.
You know I cherish collectingthe money.
(18:28):
I mean I want to do businessright and when I work with
someone that doesn't, it's soagainst my values.
It mentally is exhausting, it'semotionally exhausting and
spiritually it makes me feelyucky because I'm like trying to
half-ass it, basically, andthat does not work for me.
I cannot half-ass stuff, I'drather just not do it, and
that's why, eventually, I giveit up and I'm like have it back
(18:48):
because I can't do it your way.
It doesn't work for me, and soI think it's important that one
of the best ways to filter allof this through a situation, or
your situation, is to see ifsaying yes aligns with your
priorities and values.
Maybe something that's a noright now might be a yes later.
After all, the other prioritieshave been taken care of.
(19:09):
You know, I'm not always a noperson, so the way I see it is
if someone came back to me andsaid you know, I've messed up in
the past, I was doing thingswrong, I have changed.
And then you look at, have theychanged?
And you can tell, becausethey're the fruit that they're
producing right there.
Their track record has changed.
So for now I'm not talking onetime, it's going to be a long
(19:32):
time of it.
So you know, months or years orwhatever you can see like, are
they changing?
Are they treating theircustomers better?
Are they showing up for work?
Whatever it is, can I see thatyour values have changed now?
If that's the case, then I willlet you back in.
I will help you again.
But I am not doing it when youhave not changed and you just
fight.
Or you know, I might say Ican't do this position today,
(19:53):
but maybe if I get morebandwidth, maybe if I don't have
as many clients.
You know, life's changing allthe time and things are not
always solid yes, forever.
I've learned my lessons.
I've in the past, as a youngerperson, I would say I'm never
doing that, I will never do thatagain.
And I found myself doing itagain.
You, I will never do that again.
And I found myself doing itagain.
You know, I've went trucking acouple of times and it's not my
favorite thing to do, but Ifound myself there and so I've
(20:14):
learned to never say neverbecause it doesn't, it's not
accurate, it's not, it's notsomething you can guarantee.
So another reason we have a hardtime saying no is we want
people to like us.
I mean, I think if we're allbeing honest think that's
everyone, it's definitely me attimes it can definitely be
difficult to say no when you mayfeel like we'll disappoint our
(20:35):
business partner or ouremployees or our spouse or a
friend.
The truth is, if you openlycommunicate with them, they most
likely will understand why youcouldn't make it to that dinner
or event.
They invited you to doingsomething just so we are liked
by people.
It's really it's pretty muchgoing to lead you to doing
something just so we are likedby people.
It's pretty much going to leadyou to resentment, and we know
what resentment does.
It's a killer man.
It's not good.
(20:57):
Another reason he mentions inhere is of why we're afraid to
say no is we're afraid ofmissing out.
You know FOMO.
So here's I'm going to readexactly what he wrote.
He said it's tempting to chargethat plane ticket to the credit
card so you can go on an annualguy's trip or spend a ton of
money on a new outfit for afirst date.
It feels like missing the tripor wearing an old set of clothes
will cause you to miss out oneverything.
(21:17):
Good, but saying no meanssaying yes to accomplishing a
more important goal, likegetting out of debt or not
chaining yourself to some creditcard company.
You know, sometimes I think Igot to go to this event because
I'm going to miss out on all thefun or whatever.
And then I found out later likeit wasn't really that fun.
I was fine, I didn't reallymiss out on anything, you know.
So you don't want to get inthat mindset of like, but I'll
(21:39):
miss out on it.
What if I don't do it?
You know, and I always talkabout talk to God about it If
it's something big enough thatyou think might be.
He also has a part where he sayswhy is it important to say no?
And I want to just read youwhat he has.
I like it.
It says, as uncomfortable as itmight be, saying no is
(21:59):
important because it helps youprioritize what most matters to
you.
By saying no to situations likeattending social events.
You're not interested inspending outside your budget,
budget, eating food that'sunhealthy or traveling when your
schedule is already full ofmultiple responsibilities.
You're able to set boundariesthat protect your wellness,
peace and resources.
No is the most basic boundaryyou can set.
(22:20):
So think about that.
So now you're saying, okay,well, I figured out that I need
to say no.
That's obvious.
So then the next question ishow do you say no?
So John Deloney has six thingsin here, so I'm going to read
through them.
One is know what's mostimportant to you.
So, as I stated earlier,knowing what your values and
needs are is where saying nostarts.
(22:42):
We need to know what'simportant to us and what our
priorities are for us to be ableto make an aligned yes or no.
When we do so, we use our timeintentionally and feel at peace
with our decision.
So ask yourself what's mostimportant to me in this season
of life and then write downthose five things and then use
those five things as your filterto say yes or no.
So if someone's so, for example, my five.
(23:04):
I just wrote five down quick.
I said attending church,whether it's online or in a
person, whatever you have,that's important to me.
Disconnecting and spending timein God's word is important.
Spending time with my husbandis important.
Making sure I go to therapytwice a week, twice a month, is
important, and then paying offmy debt is important.
So an example would be theseare my five things.
So if someone says to me I needyou to work on Sunday, I have a
(23:30):
coaching client right and theywant me to coach them in
business or life coaching, andthey want me to meet on Sundays
and it's right at church, andthey can say to me that's the
only time I have available.
Well, I can take that and I canwait against my values and I
can say, okay, sure, it's greatto make extra money, it's great
to have another client, but isit going to make me attend?
(23:54):
Can I still church?
Well, no, I'm going to misschurch because that's right.
During that time, um, am Igoing to be disconnecting and
spending time in God's word?
Not during the time I'msupposed to be, because I now
have this client, um, paying offdebt.
Sure that works.
So in this case, it's like, okay, well, it's a no because it
gets right into the values thatI cherish, right?
Or if I have a client or anopportunity or a volunteering
(24:15):
opportunity or whatever, and ittakes me out of the home four
nights a week, during theevenings when my husband's home
and one of my values was spendtime with my husband, I'm going
to say no because it takes awayfrom that.
Now, if it's once a night oronce a week or something, sure I
can make that work, but if it'sconsistent and it's, you know,
going to take away from thattime, it's a no.
Or if, right now, I love a newcar, but the problem is they're
(24:39):
$80,000 and I don't want to gothat far in debt.
I don't want to have anothermassive payment.
So it's an easy sorry, I can'thave it right now.
Right, if I can eventually savecash for it, sure I'll do that.
But I'm not doing it becauseI'm supposed to be paying off
debt.
That's my goal.
So I think that kind of makessense for you guys.
So think about it for yourself.
So what you know, what goals doyou have?
What are your five values?
And then any decision thatcomes in has to weigh into those
(25:01):
things.
Number two set boundaries.
Remember that boundaries arenot selfish.
Boundaries are a gift toyourself and those you care
about.
It means that you spend yourtime intentionally, and when you
honor your own boundaries, youin turn honor others.
Right, because you're going toshow up, you're going to do the
job well, you're going to do thetasks well, you're going to be
(25:24):
there and be fully present,right?
So an example there is like, ifI value rest, you want to be in
bed by 930.
So if something's going to takeyou out of your home
consistently and you're going tobe home late every night,
that's something to think about.
It's probably a no.
And he says, saying no canactually increase the quality of
our work, our schedule and ourmental health.
Remember that your health andyour mental health is super
(25:49):
important and that leads intothe health of your business,
which comes first.
Actually, I'm going to rephrasethat.
I kind of didn't say that,correct your mental health comes
first and then your businesshealth comes second.
Right, you have to take care ofyour mental health, because you
can't take care of yourbusiness if you're not okay and
then your family's not okay, noone's okay, and you don't need
to feel guilty about that.
(26:10):
Talk through your decisions withsomeone you trust.
So when we can confide insomeone that we trust, they can
mirror back what we're saying,which is kind of what we do in
coaching.
You know, people will saythings and then I'm like you say
one thing there, you saidsomething else there.
You're not aligning like andyou need to kind of bring that
to their attention of like, butyou're saying this, but you're
also saying this.
(26:30):
That doesn't work.
You know, um, we can feel seenand heard by talking to someone
else and possibly find deeperclarity on what is the best
decision.
So you could talk to a businesscoach, a life coach, a friend,
a spouse, a therapist, anotherbusiness owner, you know
whatever it is, find someone tobounce it off of Cause.
Sometimes just saying it helpsyou.
Like getting it out of yourhead helps you.
(26:50):
And John Deloney says rememberit's up to you to own your
decision to say no.
Get insight from others if youreally need it, but don't rely
on them to do the uncomfortablework for you.
Don't make them make thedecision for you.
Just kind of bounce it off ofthem.
Four he says choose guilt overresentment.
We choose no.
He says we should not say yesto something just because we
want to avoid feeling guilty.
(27:11):
This leads to resentment.
If you say yes to somethingthat you don't really want to
say yes to, people are going topick up on that and they're
really going to pick up on it ifyou don't show up.
Pay attention to the guilt thatrises up in you when you try to
make a decision, but don't letthe guilt decide for you.
Number five respond withkindness, firmness and clarity.
(27:31):
So he says a lot of the time wegive non-committal answers to
someone because we don't want tohurt their feelings, but really
we need to be clear.
Being clear about something isbeing kind.
So an example would be like youknow, I'm gonna have to double
check on that and see if I havetime, um, or yeah, maybe, maybe,
if I have time I'll stop by.
You know, that's not a yes orno, right, you're leaving it
open, which then still putspressure on you.
(27:53):
And now you're, you're going tokind of give the opportunity
for these people to think thatmaybe they're going to show up
and they maybe get excited foryou to show up and then you
don't.
Well, that's not good.
And then he also says if we, ifwe know we can't make something
or don't want to go tosomething, be upfront about it.
Just say it.
But say kindly andcompassionately, and remember
that when we are clear, we'rebeing kind.
(28:13):
And then he says number six usea script to say no.
It might seem overkill, buthaving a script for different
scenarios that might happenoften it'll help you to
communicate a no and that canalso help the conversation go
much smoother.
So he says plan what to saywhen people invite you to
holiday parties when there's somuch going on, or know what you
what to say when people inviteyou to holiday parties when
there's so much going on, orknow what you want to say when
(28:35):
your business partner asks youto take on another project that
you know you don't have time for.
So he had some examples andI'll just read you a few of
these.
In his article it says you cansay simply no.
You can say no, thank you.
You can say thanks for thanks.
So much for that invitation,but that time doesn't really
work good for me.
I appreciate the offer.
Unfortunately I'm not'm notavailable.
(28:55):
Another thing he says is I wouldlove to come to your event but
travel isn't in the budget thismonth.
Or he says I wish I could, butI have another obligation that
day.
Or another way to say is thanksfor thinking of me.
I'm sorry I won't be able tofit it in my schedule.
Or if they're asking for like,a donation, you could say I've
already planned my donations forthis year.
I mean I do that with salescalls for advertising.
(29:17):
I mean I have a budget, I'vedetermined where my money's
going and I've literally said topeople I'm sorry, my budget has
been spent for the year.
I've already allocated theassets or allocated the money
somewhere else, and then theytypically go away.
So I'm hoping that by listeningto this you can find a way to
say no.
I hope it empowers you to sayno and I hope you mean no.
(29:41):
You say no, don't say yes whenyou mean yes, or don't say yes
when you mean no, but say yeswhen you actually mean yes.
It can be difficult, but Ibelieve in you.
Please share this episode withanyone who struggles to say no,
as well as to follow thispodcast on your favorite
platform you know like share,subscribe.
That way, you never miss anepisode.
Thanks for listening today.
(30:01):
I invite you to share your ownexperience of saying no within
your life or your business byvisiting
wwwlightupyourbusinesspodcastcomor even go on my Facebook page
Light Up your Business andcomment on there.
We'd love to hear from you guys.
I look forward to talking toyou guys next time.
Have a good one and remember inthe world of business, every
(30:24):
success story begins with apassionate dream and ends with a
strategic billion dollarhandshake.
Stay ambitious, stay innovativeand keep making those deals
that reshape tomorrow.
Thank you all for tuning in anduntil next time, remember.
Proverbs 3.3 says let love andfaithfulness never leave you.
Bind them around your neck,write them on the tablet of your
(30:46):
heart.
That way, you will win favorand a good name in the sight of
God and man.
And remember if you like whatyou heard today, click the
follow button so you never missan episode.
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