Keith and Roxann chop it up Live in front of a sold out audience 10/21/21)from The Science Museum in Boston Massachusetts with the Emmy Award winning Co-Host from the daytime talk show The Real, Jeannie Mai Jenkins. The trio talk about the self work Jeannie did to be able to receive love from her Husband Rapper Young Jeezy. Keith and Roxann also talk about their choice to have or not have children as a survivors of sexual abuse.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:02):
the triggered project presents,
what does that mean for me if I need help that way and who am I going to ask,
who am I going to talk to and where am I going to go.
You need to understand what's going on in your community,
you need to understand what it's like to take the bus in your community and what you don't have access to.
(00:23):
There's such a fear of actually trying to face the hardest thing that you've ever had to face because you're not sure what else is going to come with it being triggered,
it sort of never goes away,
triggers a buzzword and the kids have picked up on it,
you know the way you're talking to me right now,
yo you got me mad triggered,
I need to talk to the nurse,
we're really not meant to have lasted as long as we have no,
(00:48):
you were supposed to mess this up a long time ago,
you can't see me but straight this is living a good life For more information on the living a triggered life podcast,
go to www dot triggered one dot com,
(01:15):
Good evening everyone and welcome to our very special live podcast taping of living a triggered life.
I'm James Monroe,
I'm the producer of adult programs and theater experiences here at the Museum of Science boston and I'm so excited to be introducing this really wonderful night.
I'm also thrilled to be standing here in front of a live in person audience here in Connor's theater,
it's very exciting.
(01:36):
You are,
we are obviously a limited capacity but you are all very enthusiastic,
I can tell already you are all fully masked socially distanced,
safe enough distance away from us here on stage.
So we thank you for being here.
We're also live streaming this out to a virtual audience who's watching with us on Youtube right now.
So huge!
Hello to our digital friends out there,
(01:56):
thank you for tuning in.
Just a few final house and out since before we get started for those of you who are here in person if you need to leave the program early for any reason we asked you do so by going up the stairs and through the exit in the rear of the theater if possible,
we also ask you to pull out those cellphones,
silence them.
We are taping tonight as a podcast episode,
so we'd like the house to be as quiet as possible but we are so excited to be here tonight with the team from uh the living a triggered life podcast,
(02:23):
keith and Roxanne Maskell and they are joined tonight by our very special guest Emmy award winning producer and host of the Real Jeannie Mai Jenkins.
Yes,
you can give her a round of applause come on,
it's a thursday night,
we're here,
it's exciting and they're here tonight to have a conversation about how our trauma and our mental health can impact our relationships,
(02:45):
our marriages,
our family dynamics and so much more,
they're going to go deep tonight and we're just so honored that we could host this podcast and this event now tonight is just a part of our current fall season of adult programming here at the museum.
We have an incredible lineup of events and experiences every week now through december.
So I encourage you to check out our full lineup and pick up your tickets for all those by going to mos dot org slash adults.
(03:09):
Pretty easy to remember if you want to learn more about all of our special guests tonight and their work,
you can do so by checking out our living a triggered life podcast virtual program.
If you're visiting with us in person,
you can just uh scan the QR code on the signage outside of the theater on your way out and if you're joining us virtually you can scan the QR code that will be on your screen a little bit later on.
(03:29):
And finally a little bit later on,
keith and Roxanne and Jeannie will be taking some of your questions.
So if you do have a question at any time you can quietly pull out your smartphone and go to slide oh dot com and enter the code triggered Life,
all one word just as it appears on the screen right now uh and they'll try and get through as many of those a little bit later on as they can.
I need to thank our friends from the science sandbox,
(03:50):
which is an initiative of the Simons Foundation for their ongoing support of the adult programming here at the museum,
we would not be here without them so just sending a huge thank you to our friends at Science Sandbox but now it is my honor to get this night going And to welcome to the stage 1st from the triggered project,
co host of the Living a triggered life podcast,
your co host tonight keith and Roxanne Maskell and then last but definitely not least our very special guest tonight,
(04:27):
we're so honored to have her here she is the Emmy award winning producer and host of the Fox daytime tv talk show,
The real a philanthropist and a newly pregnant mom.
To be please welcome Jeannie Mai Jenkins.
Welcome to Living a triggered life podcast with keith and Roxanne presented by the triggered project.
(04:53):
Find out more information about the trigger project.
Go to www dot triggered one dot com.
Welcome Welcome Welcome,
welcome to Living a triggered live podcast.
(05:15):
I'm keith Masco and I'm with and we are so excited to be here because we are live at the Museum of Science in boston massachusetts and we have a very special guest with us this evening Emmy award winning producer and host of the Fox daytime show,
(05:36):
the real philanthropist and newly pregnant mom to be Miss Jeannie Mai Jenkins,
what's good yes boston and this energy is so dope,
I don't get to come out to boston a lot.
So to be invited here is such an honor.
(05:57):
Thank you.
No no thank you so much because there's not a lot of people come to boston to be honest with you like I gotta like I gotta I gotta keep it 100 like most of the time you know we got to go other places to see people in foreign concerts and things like that.
You know we're lucky that Jill scott showed up like 15 times so you know what I mean?
(06:17):
So it's a big deal.
So thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for being here.
Um It means a lot to us.
Um So let's jump in and we usually start out with a check in.
That's just how we do.
So um Roxanne really doesn't care about me.
So I always start out with her and say what's the rocks?
(06:40):
How you doing?
What are you gonna do me like that?
I mean we got we gotta guess from town and you're still doing the same damn thing.
Well I mean like it's not going to change.
Alright we keep it 100 we keep it 100.
Okay sorry I'm good.
I had a rough day today.
I had to really um show out to protect the people that I work with.
(07:04):
Sometimes you need somebody to show up for you.
So I was showing up for people today.
I was showing up for my people so I am so happy to be ending my day like this though because the beginning was rough.
I wasn't sure what was gonna happen,
but I'm good,
I'm so much better now.
Yeah,
yeah and I know rocks internet really gonna ask me.
So I'm just gonna say how I'm doing keith,
(07:26):
how you doing boo Oh thank you Rox,
I appreciate that.
Anybody who's anybody who's listened to the podcast,
you know this is what happens.
She never asked me anything about about myself and how I'm doing.
I explained to you what that was all about.
Okay,
so we have of course we have new company.
So you don't want me to tell you now then you can tell me whatever you want to tell you?
(07:47):
I'm just saying I'm not used to this,
I'm not used to being like in front of people eyeballs on me so I get like lost in my head and I have all these questions and all these ideas and thoughts but I just it's just darkness,
right?
But when we're in the studio by ourselves.
None of that matters.
Anyway,
(08:08):
remember there's things called the five Love Languages where Roxanne's way of checking in on you may be a totally different way than just asking questions.
Did she make some meals for you recently?
Has given you some affection?
Has she kissed you a little bit.
Okay,
she checked out your outfit earlier.
She gave you a really nice compliment.
(08:29):
So there are other ways like in asian culture,
like ain't nobody ever gonna ask you how you're doing,
they'll tell you that you look fat or they'll tell you that you need to like more like that,
they'll eat more,
you too skinny,
too skinny.
And I'm like okay,
that means you love me.
I got it.
I heard the message.
No,
no.
You know what,
thank you for that.
I really I really appreciate that because she really doesn't care about my outfits,
(08:51):
to be perfectly honest with you.
Care about your outfits.
People always like,
who dresses you?
Me?
Yes,
you do a very good job,
That's it.
But let me get back to the just this um I digress.
Um let's get back to just to check in.
Um I feel really blessed to be honest.
Um to have this opportunity to have this platform to have you here.
(09:12):
Um And it's been rough lately.
I can't I can't lie,
I'm emotional right now.
Um Because Mhm.
Sometimes as a survivor,
when we speak up and we tell the truth,
it doesn't mean that people don't continue to try to hurt us and my abuser has been continually trying to hurt me.
(09:35):
You know what I'm saying,
putting bills in my name using my Social Security and things like that.
And so that's really that's difficult.
Um And it got confirmed,
you know uh this week and you know,
other families involved as well,
so um it's just been,
it's been tough for me.
Um,
(09:56):
and uh,
but you know,
I'm doing the best I can with it,
you know what I'm saying,
trying to figure out what that wellness packages and,
and create art and,
and everything else.
But um,
it's rough right now.
It's rough.
It's real and I can't,
I can't run from that,
you know what I'm saying?
(10:17):
I,
I can't um because yeah,
this work is bigger than me and so,
but I gotta make sure that I'm okay.
So then I can go and do this podcast and,
and,
and try to be the best I can for her and and everything.
So,
um,
(10:37):
that's kind of where I am.
Um but it's all good.
But um,
what's up jenny?
What's up how you doing?
How's the,
how's the baby,
how's everything tell us what's up?
Thank you for asking.
I just want to say though on just a little bit of what you're going through,
um you're right,
it's not easy.
(10:58):
And when you come to realization of what you have been through then comes the onset of dealing with it,
right?
And what helps me to remember always is that trauma is never your fault,
but healing is your responsibility.
(11:18):
So,
all of this process as icky as it is as annoying as downright,
you wanna,
you know,
get somebody for it.
It's part of the process that will prune you to become the greatest,
most mighty man that you can possibly be,
So embrace that,
(11:40):
embrace it and thank God you have a support system?
And you have this?
This is therapy and I don't mean just this sitting here,
but your,
your bravery to have a podcast invites you to be honest about your truth.
Those are your life savers in order for you to get through.
And I promise you,
I would even mark like today and one year from now we touch base and I promise you,
(12:01):
you will see a clearing that you would only have seen if you got through it this way.
So I encourage you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I appreciate those words.
That means a lot.
But I'm gonna flip it back on you,
Jeannie,
how are you doing?
I'm doing good.
This is a really,
really unique part of my life right now.
(12:21):
You know,
I um as you guys may or may not know,
I recently announced,
you know publicly that I'm pregnant and when you when you if you've ever been pregnant or you've never for me being a new mom the beginning,
you're just doubtful that you can be good enough and then you're afraid of getting too excited because I did miscarry once already.
(12:45):
So you don't know if you get too excited and then you tell people and then what happens if the baby doesn't make it then you gotta go around and tell everybody that didn't make it so going public was really big for me.
And then as soon as I went public,
the first question that everybody asked was why,
why?
Why did you choose to be to become a mom?
Because all my life,
if you've known my work on television or me talking to even friends,
(13:08):
I've always been very adamant about not being a mom.
So for me,
coming to realize that coming to answer that for myself was important because even though I'm not super social,
I always say that I'm an introvert being around people allows me to ask the questions that you guys asked me that I wouldn't ask myself.
(13:28):
Like if it happened then then then I know I'm in the process and I know I'm okay and I'm ready to be a mom.
But when you really asking like why are you ready to be a mom now when for 40 years you said no,
you didn't want to do it.
I really got to sit down and ask myself why are you ready?
So that process for me is what I'm in right now and it's a little hard in the sense of realizing some truths about myself and then also realizing when you've been lying to yourself.
(13:54):
Like that's kind of crazy too when you call yourself out,
like you always said this,
but that's just an easy way out of really dealing with what you had to deal with?
And that's where I'm at right now and I love it.
I'm that weird person now?
Some people love to pop pimples for fun.
Like I like popping my own emotional pimples.
I love,
I love getting in there,
(14:14):
get that black one,
I like that.
So,
so I'm in that right now and it's,
and it's,
it's fulfilling because I think that everybody knows when you step into a new transition in your life,
whether it's a new job,
getting out of a relationship,
going through divorce,
getting married,
having a baby,
you really should sit down and have like a kind of like come to jesus moment where you're with yourself of like you're stepping on to the next level,
(14:38):
you know?
And my favorite pastor says this Joyce Meyer,
She says new level new devil and that's basically saying that with the new level,
it doesn't come easy.
You don't just all of a sudden put your new nameplate at your new job and all of a sudden like,
let's do this,
everything's all good or step into a new marriage and y'all are in honeymoon land and it's perfect.
No,
there will be new devils,
(14:58):
new responsibilities,
new challenges,
new things you didn't see financial woes,
things you didn't see or maybe things you didn't handle that are gonna come up full three D to you.
So that's,
that's kind of where this is,
I'm like,
okay,
what is the new devils that I got baggage right?
Other people's baggage?
My favorite topic?
No question.
Did you want to ask her a question?
(15:20):
Something that came to you?
Why did you get that sense from me?
Yeah,
like that's how I mean.
Yeah,
I was really into what she was saying.
Um I was just sort of thinking about for myself because you asked me a question backstage about um how do you know that if you don't have kids,
we were just talking and it took me a moment,
I think I was a little off guard for a second when you asked,
(15:43):
and I was just sort of like and I had said this to keith um and thinking about you coming,
you know,
I have never talked about and no one's ever actually asked us why we don't have kids,
and most of the people around me will say,
oh you're such a mother hand,
because you're always sort of taking care of people,
I can see that.
And so you know when we're listening to you and that question back there,
(16:08):
I just wanted to be able to say that um trauma took that away from me because I wasn't sure if I was not going to funk up a kid because I'm a kid,
so I couldn't,
I had this real battle back and forth throughout our relationship where I was like,
(16:30):
I'm not I don't know if I'm ready,
I don't know if I'm ready,
I'm scared,
I don't know if I'm ready.
And so on some level I let trauma take it away from me and on some level I let my,
the person who abused me,
my dad take that away from me and now he's gone and I don't have that and I will not be able to reclaim that and I say that not to um not too damp for the moment but to say recognize what you need to recognize,
(17:03):
deal with it so that you can fulfill your life's journey.
I probably would have been a beautiful,
fabulous mother,
especially next to this dude who has always had my back and I will never be able to reclaim that in that manner and that's okay.
I'm not sad about it but claiming the moment and understanding,
(17:29):
which is what you're referring to,
understanding what I lost and and sort of being kind of like,
yeah,
that should happen,
but I'm okay.
I'm good.
I have other treasures and talents to offer the world and this is one of them.
Yeah,
no,
thank you for saying that and just you know,
one,
we just have to acknowledge,
(17:50):
you know our due to God kids that are that are great Coleman and my patient baby by release.
Um you know who has the same Beijing forehead that I do and it's just as playful as I am and um those are,
those are two joys in our life,
but you know,
thank you for sharing that and this is something that we haven't talked about and it's something that has been difficult um,
(18:16):
for me as well.
Um,
because you know,
I always felt like I didn't want to pass my ship to my child,
right?
The intergenerational trauma,
you know,
of uh,
of this sexual abuse,
um,
that's kind of been in my family.
Um,
but also just other shit,
(18:37):
right?
It just got me really kind of apprehensive and like,
like we're not,
didn't feel like we were straight,
you know what I'm saying or in a place they're like,
wow,
like,
you know,
we struggle sometimes to take care of each other.
Like how are we gonna take care of a child?
You know what I'm saying?
And so like that was the,
you know,
that was the fear,
(18:57):
you know.
Um,
and so it's something that was a hard decision and things and um,
but we,
you know,
we made it individually and then made it together,
you know what I'm saying?
So,
um,
so thank you for that honesty as always rocks.
You know,
I love you to pieces,
you know what I mean?
And you know,
there's nothing we can't do.
So if you want to adopt a dog,
(19:19):
like somebody record that because I've been asking to adopt a dog for a while.
Somebody get that on film,
please.
You know,
I get amnesia from time to time.
But no,
thank you for that.
I just think that's,
that's just real,
so jenny,
thank you for even,
you know,
you talked about it on instagram and things like that and I started another conversation between me and her so,
(19:43):
so thank you for that and um you know,
let me just say,
you know I've been following you for a long time um which I told you about and the fact that you've always been authentic,
the fact that you did go under on the reel and disclose and that meant so much to me as a survivor,
but also to talk about your relationships and,
(20:03):
and,
and things like that and so um you know it made sense um for us to,
for us to talk to you and so thank you for always,
always just being real like you no pun intended.
Yeah,
thank you.
But I got to ask the question like why the hell you want to come to boston and talk to us,
you know what I'm saying?
(20:25):
Like people like why is jenny mind coming to boston to talk to keep it Roxanne.
You know honestly the name of your podcast triggered me um living a triggered life that is a beautiful way of owning.
If you have been traumatized whether it was in your childhood,
(20:48):
whether it was just last year,
whether it's in a current relationship,
trauma doesn't have to be somebody coming up to you and middle of the night when you get off the bus and clock you on the head,
you know with a metal object,
it can be somebody just verbally spewing things at you for a long time where you just internalize it,
it could be being in a relationship where you start to mhm perform or be a different personality because you want to appease this person,
(21:14):
but you don't realize that you're,
you know,
you're feeling trapped or you're feeling afraid to to mess up something,
it could be generational trauma that passes down to you,
it could be poverty,
it could be anything right?
So it's hard to find a person that doesn't live a triggered life and I know for one for me,
as soon as I owned that I have triggers,
(21:35):
I was much more capable of calling them out and starting to heal and my husband is a big part of that,
you know,
I don't think walking into that relationship with him that I knew I was living a triggered life um and we can talk more about that in a bit,
but when I saw your podcast title,
I was like,
I am here for anybody who makes it their business.
(21:59):
Like makes men,
when I say making it their business,
I'm talking about like you literally open the wounds as uncomfortable as it may be to talk about your ship to talk about my ship so that we can all gain some gems from that together and heal as a group,
you know,
because obviously I do believe that her people can hurt people,
but he'll people can heal people and so what you guys are doing here is a great service to all of us and I'm I'm I should be thankful to you guys because you're healing me in the process of having me here.
(22:28):
So thank you.
No,
thank you emotional.
I can't help it.
Who knew you sharing the deepest,
darkest parts of your life was going to bring what it has brought to us.
(22:50):
We've we've been really blessed by just sharing our truths and putting ourselves out there more you than me because you do a lot of the behind the scenes.
I just show up and make sure I do my part and support you,
but just understand something,
right?
This is supposed to be fucking happening,
(23:13):
right,
right?
This is supposed to happen.
She's supposed to be here.
They're supposed to be here witnessing this.
Yeah.
It's supposed to happen.
Yeah,
I did think about it,
but I forget.
So we just have to embrace,
(23:33):
embrace you.
Tell me this all the time,
be present.
See,
don't just see the negative,
see the positive,
embrace it.
You tell me that all the time.
That's where you at boo,
embrace this,
this woman right here just threw us like all kinds of love in that answer.
(23:58):
I mean,
love that we wouldn't expect,
right?
But it came to our way and that's been happening because we're speaking the truth because we are utilizing our essence with the world and that's what happened.
(24:18):
Yeah,
no,
I felt it.
That's why because I am president and vulnerable and I felt that love.
And so,
you know,
I got emotional.
I'm not upset about that at all because you know,
you know better,
you know better than that.
I'm not upset about that also,
you know,
I'm just,
I'm,
I get moved from time to time because I've thought about this,
you know,
when you think about it,
when you have,
you know,
level 14 pain from shingles and you think about everything and then it happens.
(24:43):
You're like,
just in that moment,
there's no way that you can't be emotional about that.
You know what I'm saying cause a lot of this work,
you know,
came from from pain.
So,
so thank you for that.
Um,
but let's keep moving.
Um,
so you know,
(25:03):
how does,
how does the,
how does the trauma affected,
you know,
your relationships,
um,
you know,
with your family and,
and you know,
and personal because you talked about and talked about it a little bit.
I think the first,
The first part of realizing that trauma affects all parts of my relationships,
(25:27):
my personality my,
you know,
going through 2030,
I only came out about my Um,
sexual abuse at 40.
So I have a YouTube channel called Hello Honey.
And on this channel,
I confronted my mom because I really don't care about my abuser anymore.
I know exactly where he's,
you know,
(25:47):
he's over there and I don't,
I don't care about that situation.
I cared more about what's still in my life,
which is my mom and we had a major falling out for about um Since I was about 13 to about 24 and now we're really close.
Her name is Mama,
(26:07):
my she's everything to me.
She's so fun,
she's vivacious.
She's she's like,
she's my alter Ego,
you know?
But the one dark part that I had about my mom is why she bailed on me when I needed her when I told her that I got raped and when I was nine,
you know,
and it was a family member that she approved to come and babysit me,
(26:28):
you know,
So confronting her on my channel was the first time I had ever spoken about it.
And when I tell you that freed everything within me,
it made me think about something that I say all the time today,
which is own the shit you hide or the ship you hide will own you.
And that's honestly my entire train of thought today,
(26:53):
which is when I was hiding,
not just the abuse,
obviously you're not going to walk around telling people all the time that this happened to you,
but when you hide um that you're kind of chickenshit if people um who seem stronger than you will come in and take advantage of you or bully you,
that you really are a people pleaser and you're embarrassed about it.
(27:16):
Maybe you are insecure about your body in certain places and you are supposed to for me and as Jeannie mai supposed to act all about it and I'm supposed to act like I'm confident all the time if I'm supposed to act like I've got all the answers like I'm not owning that.
No,
I am flawed.
I do have insecurities.
I'm still figuring out how to stand up to people and say no,
(27:37):
you know all these things that happened from my abuse and and just becoming that personality.
Well then that eventually owns me.
You know when people call you out like you ain't being real,
you said this,
but you mean,
but you're doing this or you know,
you act like you're all confident but you really don't carry yourself that way or or you know if I read comments on instagram,
it does eat me up alive.
(27:58):
I gotta own those things and so so confronting my mom for some reason,
it not only unleashed a connection with my mom and and to forgive and understand why she didn't know what to say at the time and she owned that,
but it also just made me go,
whoa when that when all the ugly surfaced about what has happened to me because of that type of trauma all of a sudden it felt so much easier to tell people like no,
(28:21):
I get anxiety when I go to a bunch of parties,
I actually don't want to go to your crazy ass party,
but you can come out of my house on next friday or you know,
if I'm wearing something that doesn't make me feel good about myself looking up in the,
in the mirror and being like,
genie,
you cute,
but you don't like this because it makes you focus too much on this area and you don't like that area of your body.
So let's either go work out or find another outfit,
but own that instead of just walking around,
(28:43):
you know,
looking like this and trying to wait for somebody,
you know,
or feeling apprehensive when somebody else points it out in you,
you know?
Um so I think my twenties and thirties,
I spent a lot of time trying to be something that I wasn't trying to be more confident,
trying to be more strong,
try to be the person that can carry the persona that we all look up to,
(29:04):
which is a strong,
defiant woman who looks like she has all the answers,
but that really isn't me.
At the end of the day,
I'm that woman who is trying to heal,
gain a better grip on what it is about myself and why I think the way I do,
why I love the way I do,
why I'm passionate about things and I don't care about certain things and and the more that I own that the more I like myself,
(29:29):
you know,
So I think from 20 to 30 when you ask what my trauma was like I read somewhere that the four types of you would probably know this more than me,
Roxanne,
but the four types of ways of dealing,
I'm sorry,
the four types of effects that trauma can cause you is fight or flight,
which we all know freeze and appease.
(29:51):
And I've been through all four of those all the way up until like two years ago.
You know,
I,
I definitely fought a lot when I was younger.
If you go back to Milpitas high and I come from the bay,
so if you go to the independent high school high school,
um Piedmont high School,
these are all the high schools that I transferred to.
All I did was fight,
I don't know why,
but I just,
(30:11):
that was my,
my,
if somebody fucked with you,
all you need to do was just let's go,
it's on.
And then the next thing was flight,
you just ghost.
I was so good at ghosting mid twenties.
Like if I didn't like a guy because he maybe said something that felt too slick for me or maybe I was dating somebody and then I got afraid of getting into the commitment,
I knew how to ghost and I would flight,
(30:33):
you know,
And then freeze.
That was a big part of my 30's.
I definitely remember times where I let people bully me or I think even in my past marriage,
I kind of froze at some points where I knew it wasn't right,
but you freeze and you just don't know what to do.
And then a piece I went through a big people pleasing stage,
my late 30s where if I,
(30:55):
if somebody wasn't happy,
I would immediately be like,
what can I do?
Well let me fix this.
I'm sorry,
even though I didn't do anything wrong.
But those people,
they know how to prey on people who do,
they know how to prey on you.
If they see like,
oh,
you you want to try to please me and so you become codependent on each other.
So I had to,
you know,
cut bridges with friends,
(31:16):
find how to clear that path.
And so now I'm in a much healthier place because I think what I've done is I've done the work too,
to really clean up my environment.
You know what it was?
I read this one time and I actually put it into practice.
I read a quote that said,
if a flower doesn't bloom,
(31:38):
what do you blame the the flower or the environment?
Right?
So if this plant didn't bloom,
we're not going to say stupid fucking plants fucking sucks,
Where'd you get this at?
No,
you're gonna be like,
there's no water in the jar,
which there really isn't any water in the jar.
You're gonna be like,
there's no sun in here,
it's dark as hell.
We need some sun,
we need some light,
we need some soil,
we need some water,
(31:59):
but we don't do that to ourselves.
When we when we fail to bloom or when we're not happy with ourselves,
we should on ourselves,
we talk smack about ourselves,
We let ourselves down.
Right?
But really you don't look at your environment,
Are you around healthy people?
Are you having healthy conversations or are you all you doing sitting around a group of people that just talk about other people all day?
(32:21):
Are you nurturing yourself?
Are you getting the foods you need?
Are you working out,
are you getting outside to actually see some fresh air?
Are you filling your mind with good content?
Are you sitting there on the gram?
All you're doing is just stalking and trolling and looking at negative things about people that was totally me.
I didn't have a healthy environment,
I wasn't taking care of myself,
I wasn't eating right,
(32:41):
I kind of learned that actually Was malnutrition in myself.
I had a low key eating disorder because I was keeping to about maybe 5-600 calories a day total.
Another side side,
convo about not taking care of myself.
I was in an unhealthy relationship,
I wasn't being real with myself and then I also compared myself to people on the gram all day long.
(33:03):
I had my algorithm was all people I wish I kind of was like,
so when I started to stop following things on instagram and comparing myself to people that I don't really want to be like and I got rid of friends and people that weren't healthy for my mental needs.
And I really just started spending time by myself to start making myself start answering the hard questions and talking to myself.
(33:30):
That's when I started to bloom.
Yeah,
let's let's just go to that.
I know Roxanne,
this is your question that you have a question you do.
But so what is the,
do you feel like you were ready to meet jeezy?
Do you feel like you had done the work um you know,
to be able to see him and go yeah,
(33:51):
and you were like,
you were like yeah,
like because you know like even when I met Roxanne and we were talking about it and stuff like that,
we we both had were a mess,
but we had done enough work that we could see each other and then we started that process of,
you know,
(34:11):
Roxanne said it before that our trauma kids,
kids grew up together,
you know what I'm saying?
But um you know,
you going through so much jeezy having his head trauma and the whole nine,
what was the work that you had to do um to be able to receive or to see that there was something beautiful in front of you.
(34:33):
So the two part question is one,
did you feel like you were ready at that point and to what was the work that you feel like you did to be able to kind of receive that moment?
I definitely think that if I met jeezy 10 years ago,
maybe even five years ago,
I wouldn't be as ready as I am now,
(34:56):
and I say that because when you do begin to do the work on yourself,
you are truly capable of owning your truths and the greatest gift to any relationship and you guys might know this is being self aware enough to fix you or to fix the situation because who you are and and what you're doing over there is not my business,
(35:22):
you know,
your perception of me is a reflection of you,
but my reaction to you is an awareness of me,
so I gotta work on myself,
you know?
So,
when he met me,
I had already done so much work on myself that I was like,
when I tell you guys confidence gz it could have been juicy,
(35:45):
it could be whatever.
I was like,
what do you have for me?
What?
Why?
Why do you,
should I give you my time of day and that's a sense of confidence I didn't have when I was 20 or when I was 30 you know,
I really back then,
if somebody,
you know,
gave me attention,
I would immediately be like,
hey,
hi,
how you doing,
you know,
but no,
(36:05):
now,
it was like,
why tell me why?
And I was just unbothered not in a cocky way,
not in a mean way,
just in a way of like,
I know I am a queen,
I know I'm that B you know,
I know this.
So,
so why do you know?
And show me?
And he's the,
he's the same for him.
He was like,
(36:25):
I'm the ship,
you know,
I'm jesus,
right,
right.
Yeah.
And so you show me and so both of us,
it wasn't an ego thing.
It was more,
of course,
it was more of a,
wow,
We know our worth so well that how are we able to spar so that we actually complement each other and roll the red carpet out for one another and make each other feel so esteemed,
(36:50):
but at the same time,
so served in this love that we have to create,
you know what,
you know what,
you know what it is,
rocks to talk about it all.
I want to talk about it all the time.
Yeah,
people don't talk about that.
People think that it's all about the physical.
No,
no,
no,
no,
no,
no,
(37:10):
no,
Y'all were,
y'all will mind fucking for sure,
like,
and that's a beautiful,
like,
that's a beautiful thing,
like,
and we don't think about it in that way,
but when you're intellectually stimulated by somebody else and you,
you just,
that synergy goes back and forth and things like that and whatever and,
you know,
when it just happens naturally,
(37:31):
it's a beautiful,
it's a beautiful,
but the piece about it is,
which is what you said when you're feeling the whole of yourself,
right?
So if I'm sitting like this right versus sitting up arching my back,
right?
When you feel the whole of yourself,
then you bring that to the relationship to the moment,
(37:54):
just all of it.
And that's what happened with us where we,
we told you we didn't,
we weren't seeing each other when we first met for like six months,
we just talked on the phone.
We don't mind working and it was great.
It's true because when we did come together,
it was just like firecrackers.
It was like,
whoa,
yes,
(38:15):
yes,
this is gonna work.
No,
it's so true.
I actually,
um,
I never knew this,
but I am a true Sapio sexual,
a person who gets turned on by,
you know,
the work that takes place between my ears,
not the work between my legs.
You know,
and I really enjoy that.
He is the same way.
And I think we both,
(38:35):
you know,
when we're younger,
we went for what,
you know,
society really has an impression on you.
So whether you're younger and you go for the hot sexy dude that like all your friends be telling you about or the guy that hits you up on the club in the club or the guy who has like the money or the cars,
all these things that you're supposed to think is fly right?
(38:57):
But it wasn't until I quieted the noise and worked on myself that I was like,
no,
I actually really love intelligence and I love sensitivity and vulnerability and deep conversations and good sick sense of humor.
You know,
these things that have nothing to do with the physical and so right.
Our first date was actually just,
(39:18):
I think it was,
gosh,
like six,
maybe,
maybe 8 to 10 hours of just talking and salsa dancing.
He salsa dance to that.
I give him dance.
Yes,
but that,
that alone just showed me like,
oh my God,
like we could not even touch the physical and I'm good here.
Like I'm Yes,
(39:38):
exactly.
But you have to work on yourself in order to know these things and that's why like anybody out there who's single,
you know,
this is a magical time for you.
I envy you if you're single because when you are quiet,
that's when you can simmer the noise and listen to sound the sound of your thoughts.
(39:58):
The sound of your needs,
the sound of the things that you should work on and when you really date yourself and take care of yourself,
the right person who comes along and starts to be able to handle it as good as you did is when you really start having quality data,
what's what's also important with that and thank you for saying that cause that's important is that,
(40:18):
you know,
even in this relationship and things like that.
Which 1?
This 1?
Well,
I mean I just met Jeannie,
which is this is a newer relationship.
No,
no.
Yeah,
yeah.
You say that like it's important for her,
like you were saying before that like I try to the best that I can be for me,
she's being the best that she can for her and then we come together,
(40:42):
but it's important for me to have my quiet space.
It's important for her to have her quiet space and I try to respect her quiet space as much as possible because that's how she's,
that's how she's doing exactly what you were telling the single folks to do.
It's important that you do that in relationships because if not then you start to lose,
you start to lose yourself because you're,
(41:04):
you know you're connected because we're so connected,
just like,
like you know what I mean the other night she was like,
I felt some tension and I was like,
she was up and I was like,
like she's like ninja,
why you up?
And I was like what are you doing?
And I was like,
yo I feel that tension from you,
yo yo I feel it just like your stupid go to sleep.
(41:24):
I was,
I was like,
I'm having my me time.
No,
go away,
but no,
thank you,
No,
thank you for saying that because that's important for us to have our time and um you know,
to replenish,
um define art,
The write poetry.
Um,
and all those great,
all those great things.
(41:45):
You have a question.
Roxanne.
Why are you looking at me like that?
Because you don't write poetry?
Do you write poetry?
Um I have a one man show that I wrote a little bit but john whatever I write poetry.
So I do have a question.
This is like,
she's such a hater.
(42:05):
Um what's it like being with a black man?
No,
I'm just saying because I had to drive by.
I hope nobody gets offended.
I had to drive by a white man and we got real close to where you had to what I had to drive by with a white man.
She's from,
she's from the bay.
So that means something that means something when you say that.
(42:27):
So you gotta be careful.
She's okay.
She's from the yeah.
So you can't just be throwing out stuff,
you know,
break it down.
Let's just make sure the clarity is here in the room.
What's the drive by Roxanne?
He showed up.
He got naked.
I said,
hell no.
And he went out the door.
(42:47):
He took out the gun.
I just couldn't do it.
I was like mm you smell weird.
It was bad.
I just,
I was trying.
He was cute.
He was cute man,
cute.
I only do cute,
but I got to a place where I was really clear you must be a black man.
(43:11):
I couldn't even funk with Puerto Rican men but I think my dad sucked that up for me.
I think I could have been for Puerto Rican man,
but he sucked that up for me.
So I just was like,
I had a little Puerto Rican boyfriend when I was in high school though.
And we would ride the train in new york up and down because I couldn't date boys,
I couldn't do anything.
So we would just ride the train and talk basketball.
(43:34):
That was the only Puerto Rican man we did.
That was my little boyfriend louis.
I wonder what happened to him.
But anyway,
what I wanna know.
So I'm sharing my history because I want to know because out there,
you know what I'm saying?
Roxanne Roxanne on I.
G at.
(43:56):
So I'm asking because that's my experience.
Like I was like,
I'm gonna try this out.
And then I was like mm that's a no.
And when I was telling folks,
my people close to me that you were coming to talk with us,
they were like,
you know,
she said I was like really?
(44:17):
Oh I'm gonna ask her what it's like to be with a black man because you know,
they say when you go black,
you never go back so you're wondering if you talk stereotypes.
I'm just saying that's what they said.
I didn't say it,
honey.
They saw the clip.
They saw the clip.
(44:38):
Yes,
I did say it.
Okay,
so I'm just wondering what it's like for you.
Like,
is it different?
Is it the same?
And it sounds like,
I don't know.
Of course,
I don't know him personally.
I just met you,
but he sounds legit.
But what is it like?
I think,
I mean,
I guess you're talking physically,
(44:58):
right?
No,
no,
no,
no,
no.
I'm telling you my physical clip to Jeannie saw the clip too.
That's why I know my apologies.
I'm not speaking physically.
I'm sorry.
I no,
(45:19):
no,
no,
no,
no,
my apologies.
I'll tell you right now.
So,
like I said from the very day that we dated,
it definitely wasn't just a physical thing.
You know,
it was it was all mental,
if I'm honest,
the way we we became attracted to each other.
And I've never been in that type of relationship before.
(45:39):
That that to me is new when you're so attracted to someone mentally,
that all your physical starts racing because of how much you want to dig deep into this someone,
someone's brain,
how much you want to learn about them.
So,
for me,
I mean,
when I'm intimate with with my man,
(46:00):
it is because of how much I know of him,
how much I know he knows and how much I want to learn more about him.
That that is truly a completely different sexual high than I've ever had in anybody else.
And then the mental high of it is also something that keeps me engaged and and pumped for him.
So that,
(46:20):
that that's just a,
that's just a jeezy thing,
right?
That's just him.
Um,
I think what I really love though about understanding J as a black man is really appreciating the depth of what he's come from.
And I don't just mean his culture,
his heritage,
his family,
history,
his ancestors,
but also just where he's come from in his childhood.
(46:44):
You know,
just coming from a place like Hawkinsville Atlanta,
um,
how he had to Take care of his family,
how he had to buy a trailer for his family to survive and live in,
how he had to help put his sister through school,
how he had his son at 16 and how he managed to learn to become a man as he was raising one.
It's just those are the type of things that really teach me the esteem respect I have for this man and to be black in America on top of all that,
(47:14):
you know,
he tells me stories about how he had to have white partners co sign certain paperwork for him because they wouldn't give him the rights to go and buy a building that he wanted to buy,
you know,
or to go and make the business moves that his white counterparts could do because he was who he is and those are things I will never understand because I never grew up in it.
(47:38):
So I have to learn and that to me when you learn the type of strife a person goes through just to survive in the same country that I I live in.
My mind is blown constantly by this being my husband and that being now the father of our child.
No,
no,
thank you for that.
(47:58):
And I think one day,
you know,
that's really interesting is that,
you know,
you're talking about and you know,
I'm a survivor,
you're a survivor and that,
you know,
we go intellectual first,
right in terms of being in terms of intimacy,
right?
So the it seems like the intellectual part allows the rest of the body to be present.
(48:20):
And so it's just something that I just,
you know that I just thought about and even,
well,
you know what it is because Roxanne's a psychotherapist.
Um there's something that happens that's called that I call rocks nemesis that I start talking like her and I have no reason why,
like sometimes he just didn't,
he just did it like I'm a therapist and I'm not.
(48:42):
Um but yeah,
that's right,
but it's true.
No,
but it's true.
So one I will say,
let me just say when I walk around with keith in the world and realize and notice how people treat him,
you know,
I have those moments of um like currently my thing is I never want you to drive.
(49:05):
That's my thing lately.
I don't want you to drive because I'm scared I'll drive.
Use my light skin,
maybe I'll get pulled over,
maybe I won't,
but I don't want you to drive.
So I get I just want to sort of find a middle ground with you in understanding what you were saying and then the other pieces,
(49:25):
you know,
some people were like why the Museum of Science?
And I was saying the keith,
you know,
a lot of what we're talking about,
this trauma is all about the neurobiology of the brain,
right?
Your body remember,
oh shout out to James Moreau and the Museum of Science for having us,
thank you.
(49:46):
Your body remembers what happened to it and your brain has to,
you know,
reprocess what happened to you?
And so the brain piece or using your brain or sort of being inclined to sort of use your brain in that way and then it connects your body is sometimes a way to sort of avoid the harm that was done to you,
(50:16):
right?
Because if you initially just like,
you know,
I work with a lot of young people,
you know the hookup scenario,
if you initially just doing the hook up and you've been your body's been harmed,
it only takes a split second for that individual to do something that makes you question what what's happening here?
(50:38):
Am I safe?
What do I need to do?
Or sometimes what happens is your brain takes over and shuts everything down,
right?
And so like it is surprising to hear that that was something similar,
but when you really think about it,
you have a little bit more control of the situation.
(50:59):
When you connect intellectually prior to the physical.
Yes.
You know that you're safe because you're in a conversation because my famous question has always been for men who want to talk to me,
what are your intentions?
Right?
And that stops them in their they stop in their tracks.
They were like,
whoa,
what do you mean?
(51:19):
Why are you asking me what are my intentions?
And that's because I felt something in my body about what you were doing and what's going on.
The energy didn't feel right and I'm pausing you right now and I'm giving you a heads up that you need to step away.
But not everybody has done the work to be able to do that.
And so sometimes you can really control the situation being intellectual in the conversation because then you can continue to scan.
(51:48):
You can continue to listen right?
Look and understand what am I seeing here.
Am I all right.
Am I going to be all right with you?
Yes.
And that's not across the board,
but you know,
it makes sense in a way.
Yeah.
No,
thank you for that.
Um,
we,
we got to get to some genie thank you so much.
Um,
we have some folks have some questions so we're taking like,
(52:12):
wow,
this is this is unbelievable.
I thought people going to ask about the clip,
Roxanne,
but they haven't because they know what happened in the clip.
Okay.
Um so here's,
here's a question.
Um and I won't necessarily use the name,
but have any triggers taking you over the edge.
And what do you do to cope?
(52:32):
I guess uh Roxanne,
you can start first.
Oh I can,
how come you're not starting?
Like you both did this,
I didn't see it.
Um so you know,
we just had this conversation recently with charlemagne,
the God for a quick second.
We talked about using the word trigger versus activated activated is more sort of um closer to what's happening in your body and your brain and you know the whole scenario and I was activated today because thinking about coming here and being on stage and with two fashion focused people and how so a lot of my trauma,
(53:18):
what remains for me is how I see my body and how I emotionally eat.
And so I was very activated.
He said he was gonna talk to me.
So I'm getting ahead of him.
So before he talks about me,
I was very activated in what I was wearing because I have a lot of,
(53:39):
there's a lot of stuff that goes on in my brain and I'm very worried about how people see my body,
I'm more so more worried how I see my own body and I'm getting better,
but that has been a super long journey and for people who don't know,
I used to be around 350 wow.
(54:01):
And that the majority of that weight that I was carrying,
that extra weight was all my father's baggage and my mother's baggage and all the things that happened prior inter generationally and that's what I figured out after I lost like 100 and plus pounds.
(54:21):
So that's what activates me clothing,
how it fits how this world doesn't make clothes from my ass.
Your past has a legacy.
Just remember that anybody was listening to the podcast knows that,
wait,
did they hear that one yet?
I hope they heard that one yet.
(54:42):
You want to hear that yet?
That's that's part of the new york one that she says but let me just say for the record,
yo we Roxanne brought out this Nike jacket,
we know that people who know us know there was Nike fools or whatever,
but this jacket is $800 jacket that we got the marshals for 49 99.
The tag is still on it,
(55:04):
the tag,
the tag is still on it and I bought it for and I said you're gonna fit into this.
And she was like I'm aware that she was like I'm aware the jacket because I was like I just grab some pants from Zara or whatever.
And I was she was like I'm away the jacket and I was like,
what are you talking about?
She's like,
no,
the jacket.
And I was like the motorcycle jacket.
(55:24):
How many years have we had this?
Like 2020 years?
Never wore it.
Never wore it until until right now.
Yes.
Look,
the tag is still on the joint because we're like,
we're always gonna remember that.
We bought it for 499,
we bought it for 49 99.
(55:44):
It was $879.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh,
I love saving money.
Look,
you had more time we go shop at Primark would be over.
Look,
listen,
I'm sorry,
let's get back to this.
No,
we'll have to tell you about primer because you're gonna have to come back.
(56:05):
We have to go shopping shopping for the baby.
Like,
okay,
we gotta,
I'm sorry.
Um so the next question is is I've been cheated on and all but one relationship,
I've taken all the blame and it harms my relationships.
I want that to stop,
but I don't have the tools,
(56:25):
any tips where to start.
Um that hits me hard,
That really hits me hard because there's nothing worse than finding out you've been cheated on,
but numerous times and I'm just keeping it real here,
that becomes an issue that you need to recognize about yourself because you're permitting these things to happen to you.
(56:54):
I mean,
men are men,
you know,
there's good men,
there's bad men,
but men are going to be men,
how you deal with these situations when they come at you is one thing but also how you screen and filter the men that you give your time to is everything right?
So I feel like you and I are gonna tag team this one Roxanne.
(57:16):
Right?
I think the first thing is to just chill out from dating for a second.
That this is what I would do and I would really spend that time that I sat here talking about with yourself and really go deep and and and only you will know this answer.
But to really figure out what is it that you feel you need in a relationship,
(57:42):
what do you need versus what do you want?
And I would even I'm I like seeing,
I like making lists because then I can read and see but I would make a list of all these these men that you dated and write down what first attracted you.
Like why?
Why did you go for that?
Was that stability?
Was it something nice they said about you,
(58:02):
did they just complement you?
Was it the d what?
I don't know what it was.
Just whatever it was,
write it all down.
And then what did you think you were going to get from them?
Like literally?
Right.
Did you think one was going to give you security?
Did you think one was um loyal?
Did you think one was just like a good look on your arm,
Whatever it may be?
Uh huh,
love.
Right?
And then what I really this is the column to really pay attention to is the red flags every time something goes wrong,
(58:32):
I promise you as a woman,
your intuition the whole time was sitting there saying,
I told you,
I told you don't listen.
And I wonder whoever wrote this question for all those men,
whenever,
by the time you found out that they cheated on you,
did you have red flags that really went off And told you that this ain't the one or that this is something suss whatever it may be.
(59:00):
And at that point I would really look at that list and I would see what I saw that attracted me.
So you already know there's like this shiny thing that happens in relationships that make you like,
oh,
I think that that's good for me.
And then what did you really want from them?
That probably wasn't fulfilled,
right?
And then you got to be real with yourself to to say why did you listen to yourself in these red flags?
(59:22):
And that's where you really have to have a conversation with yourself about why you don't pay attention to her,
her inside there Because every woman is built with her who speaks to you,
Who calls you out and when your intuition is really strong,
like a muscle,
you've got to work it out when it's so strong,
you not only know yourself well,
(59:44):
but you know them too.
You see them and you can just read it like a book if they're right or they're not or if they're being real or they're not.
So that's the first step.
I would get it.
Roxanne,
you got some rocks.
Maciste.
Look,
this is the episode of Hey Roxanne.
You know the only thing I'm going to say because you did an excellent job is that when you get that need list,
(01:00:09):
figure out how you give yourself those needs first,
right?
Practice.
We think that we don't have to practice ship.
We don't have no relationship manual.
We don't have no mother manual.
No one gave us nothing.
We learned by we we all are walking around.
We've learned behaviors that can be unlearned.
(01:00:33):
Okay so when you do your need list,
give yourself those things first and figure out what that means.
Right about it.
Journal about it.
Do what you gotta do.
But give it to yourself first at least once.
And then think about how you want to move forward.
Because that list will get smaller and you will only be needing a couple of things from somebody else because you will be able to fulfill it for yourself.
(01:01:00):
That's work.
You have to do none of this relationship ship work.
It doesn't happen without work.
So you gotta show up.
Haven't done some work.
Yeah.
No no thank you all.
Um We only got a couple of seconds left.
Um Y'all really broke that.
That's a good question.
(01:01:21):
That was thank you,
thank you for these questions.
Um And it's pretty cool to um you know have an ipad with with questions which is great.
Um But you know,
G.
D.
My or I should say Jeannie,
thank you so much for coming and being on the podcast,
we just feel really blessed um to have you and I just feel like this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship and relationship.
(01:01:47):
Like I just that's just how I feel,
maybe I'm lying to myself but um I don't I don't think so,
what do you think?
I don't think so.
I think that we talked about it just before we were coming out here that this was in the making,
right?
Um This is what was supposed to happen and we talked together as if we didn't just meet,
(01:02:14):
we talked to like I know you right,
right,
we did that.
And then we even had a moment which I want to say keith was running around and Gina and I were in the back for a while and we sat quietly with each other quiet,
it was silent but we were very comfortable and our energy and it was yes,
(01:02:39):
it was vibing and we just sat there quietly for a long time.
We didn't have to talk and that's how you know who you and the company of.
Yeah.
Yeah because that's right,
that's safety,
right?
And we don't always feel safe with a lot of people so so um so thank you for that but um you know,
big shout out to James Monroe for the work that he does and the belief,
(01:03:03):
you know that he had in me and this whole concept and and the Museum of Science because um the museum is trying to do different things and you know,
we're having this conversation in the Museum of Science y'all like this is a big deal,
This is a big deal.
So thank you to the crew.
Thank you to everybody else.
Um but you've been listening to living a triggered life podcast with keith,
(01:03:29):
Maskell,
Roxanne Masco and Jeannie My Jenkins presented by the it's a trigger project and remember you're no longer surviving,
you're thriving and you've earned that.
Thank you.
Thank you.
(01:03:53):
Let's have another hand for living a trigger life podcast with special guest Jeannie Mai Jenkins,
Jeannie Roxanne keith,
thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for agreeing to be here at the Museum of Science and to share this really important and special conversation with all of us.
I can't thank you enough.
Um I feel like I have three new friends as well,
(01:04:14):
so thank you.
Um I want to say thank you to our yeah discount double check,
I want to say thank you to our friends in science sandbox for making tonight possible.
Thank you to all of you for joining us and spending your thursday night with us.
We hope you will continue to do so all season long.
We're gonna end the virtual stream.
(01:04:34):
We're gonna say good night to our Digital friends.
Thank you for tuning in.
And for all of you who are here in person,
We're gonna invite you to keep the party going with us,
keep the conversation going.
We have a reception.
That's gonna happen right now.
One floor down the DJ is gonna be spinning again.
There's a step and repeat.
We just ask you keep those masks fully on except for actively eating or drinking.
And we will see you down there.
(01:04:54):
Thank you so much.
Okay?
the triggered project presents,
what does that mean for me if I need help that way and who am I going to ask,
who am I going to talk to and where am I going to go.
You need to understand what's going on in your community,
you need to understand what it's like to take the bus in your community and what you don't have access to.
(00:23):
There's such a fear of actually trying to face the hardest thing that you've ever had to face because you're not sure what else is going to come with it being triggered,
it sort of never goes away,
triggers a buzzword and the kids have picked up on it,
you know the way you're talking to me right now,
yo you got me mad triggered,
I need to talk to the nurse,
we're really not meant to have lasted as long as we have no,
(00:48):
you were supposed to mess this up a long time ago,
you can't see me but straight this is living a good life For more information on the living a triggered life podcast,
go to www dot triggered one dot com,
(01:15):
Good evening everyone and welcome to our very special live podcast taping of living a triggered life.
I'm James Monroe,
I'm the producer of adult programs and theater experiences here at the Museum of Science boston and I'm so excited to be introducing this really wonderful night.
I'm also thrilled to be standing here in front of a live in person audience here in Connor's theater,
it's very exciting.
(01:36):
You are,
we are obviously a limited capacity but you are all very enthusiastic,
I can tell already you are all fully masked socially distanced,
safe enough distance away from us here on stage.
So we thank you for being here.
We're also live streaming this out to a virtual audience who's watching with us on Youtube right now.
So huge!
Hello to our digital friends out there,
(01:56):
thank you for tuning in.
Just a few final house and out since before we get started for those of you who are here in person if you need to leave the program early for any reason we asked you do so by going up the stairs and through the exit in the rear of the theater if possible,
we also ask you to pull out those cellphones,
silence them.
We are taping tonight as a podcast episode,
so we'd like the house to be as quiet as possible but we are so excited to be here tonight with the team from uh the living a triggered life podcast,
(02:23):
keith and Roxanne Maskell and they are joined tonight by our very special guest Emmy award winning producer and host of the Real Jeannie Mai Jenkins.
Yes,
you can give her a round of applause come on,
it's a thursday night,
we're here,
it's exciting and they're here tonight to have a conversation about how our trauma and our mental health can impact our relationships,
(02:45):
our marriages,
our family dynamics and so much more,
they're going to go deep tonight and we're just so honored that we could host this podcast and this event now tonight is just a part of our current fall season of adult programming here at the museum.
We have an incredible lineup of events and experiences every week now through december.
So I encourage you to check out our full lineup and pick up your tickets for all those by going to mos dot org slash adults.
(03:09):
Pretty easy to remember if you want to learn more about all of our special guests tonight and their work,
you can do so by checking out our living a triggered life podcast virtual program.
If you're visiting with us in person,
you can just uh scan the QR code on the signage outside of the theater on your way out and if you're joining us virtually you can scan the QR code that will be on your screen a little bit later on.
(03:29):
And finally a little bit later on,
keith and Roxanne and Jeannie will be taking some of your questions.
So if you do have a question at any time you can quietly pull out your smartphone and go to slide oh dot com and enter the code triggered Life,
all one word just as it appears on the screen right now uh and they'll try and get through as many of those a little bit later on as they can.
I need to thank our friends from the science sandbox,
(03:50):
which is an initiative of the Simons Foundation for their ongoing support of the adult programming here at the museum,
we would not be here without them so just sending a huge thank you to our friends at Science Sandbox but now it is my honor to get this night going And to welcome to the stage 1st from the triggered project,
co host of the Living a triggered life podcast,
your co host tonight keith and Roxanne Maskell and then last but definitely not least our very special guest tonight,
(04:27):
we're so honored to have her here she is the Emmy award winning producer and host of the Fox daytime tv talk show,
The real a philanthropist and a newly pregnant mom.
To be please welcome Jeannie Mai Jenkins.
Welcome to Living a triggered life podcast with keith and Roxanne presented by the triggered project.
(04:53):
Find out more information about the trigger project.
Go to www dot triggered one dot com.
Welcome Welcome Welcome,
welcome to Living a triggered live podcast.
(05:15):
I'm keith Masco and I'm with and we are so excited to be here because we are live at the Museum of Science in boston massachusetts and we have a very special guest with us this evening Emmy award winning producer and host of the Fox daytime show,
(05:36):
the real philanthropist and newly pregnant mom to be Miss Jeannie Mai Jenkins,
what's good yes boston and this energy is so dope,
I don't get to come out to boston a lot.
So to be invited here is such an honor.
(05:57):
Thank you.
No no thank you so much because there's not a lot of people come to boston to be honest with you like I gotta like I gotta I gotta keep it 100 like most of the time you know we got to go other places to see people in foreign concerts and things like that.
You know we're lucky that Jill scott showed up like 15 times so you know what I mean?
(06:17):
So it's a big deal.
So thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for being here.
Um It means a lot to us.
Um So let's jump in and we usually start out with a check in.
That's just how we do.
So um Roxanne really doesn't care about me.
So I always start out with her and say what's the rocks?
(06:40):
How you doing?
What are you gonna do me like that?
I mean we got we gotta guess from town and you're still doing the same damn thing.
Well I mean like it's not going to change.
Alright we keep it 100 we keep it 100.
Okay sorry I'm good.
I had a rough day today.
I had to really um show out to protect the people that I work with.
(07:04):
Sometimes you need somebody to show up for you.
So I was showing up for people today.
I was showing up for my people so I am so happy to be ending my day like this though because the beginning was rough.
I wasn't sure what was gonna happen,
but I'm good,
I'm so much better now.
Yeah,
yeah and I know rocks internet really gonna ask me.
So I'm just gonna say how I'm doing keith,
(07:26):
how you doing boo Oh thank you Rox,
I appreciate that.
Anybody who's anybody who's listened to the podcast,
you know this is what happens.
She never asked me anything about about myself and how I'm doing.
I explained to you what that was all about.
Okay,
so we have of course we have new company.
So you don't want me to tell you now then you can tell me whatever you want to tell you?
(07:47):
I'm just saying I'm not used to this,
I'm not used to being like in front of people eyeballs on me so I get like lost in my head and I have all these questions and all these ideas and thoughts but I just it's just darkness,
right?
But when we're in the studio by ourselves.
None of that matters.
Anyway,
(08:08):
remember there's things called the five Love Languages where Roxanne's way of checking in on you may be a totally different way than just asking questions.
Did she make some meals for you recently?
Has given you some affection?
Has she kissed you a little bit.
Okay,
she checked out your outfit earlier.
She gave you a really nice compliment.
(08:29):
So there are other ways like in asian culture,
like ain't nobody ever gonna ask you how you're doing,
they'll tell you that you look fat or they'll tell you that you need to like more like that,
they'll eat more,
you too skinny,
too skinny.
And I'm like okay,
that means you love me.
I got it.
I heard the message.
No,
no.
You know what,
thank you for that.
I really I really appreciate that because she really doesn't care about my outfits,
(08:51):
to be perfectly honest with you.
Care about your outfits.
People always like,
who dresses you?
Me?
Yes,
you do a very good job,
That's it.
But let me get back to the just this um I digress.
Um let's get back to just to check in.
Um I feel really blessed to be honest.
Um to have this opportunity to have this platform to have you here.
(09:12):
Um And it's been rough lately.
I can't I can't lie,
I'm emotional right now.
Um Because Mhm.
Sometimes as a survivor,
when we speak up and we tell the truth,
it doesn't mean that people don't continue to try to hurt us and my abuser has been continually trying to hurt me.
(09:35):
You know what I'm saying,
putting bills in my name using my Social Security and things like that.
And so that's really that's difficult.
Um And it got confirmed,
you know uh this week and you know,
other families involved as well,
so um it's just been,
it's been tough for me.
Um,
(09:56):
and uh,
but you know,
I'm doing the best I can with it,
you know what I'm saying,
trying to figure out what that wellness packages and,
and create art and,
and everything else.
But um,
it's rough right now.
It's rough.
It's real and I can't,
I can't run from that,
you know what I'm saying?
(10:17):
I,
I can't um because yeah,
this work is bigger than me and so,
but I gotta make sure that I'm okay.
So then I can go and do this podcast and,
and,
and try to be the best I can for her and and everything.
So,
um,
(10:37):
that's kind of where I am.
Um but it's all good.
But um,
what's up jenny?
What's up how you doing?
How's the,
how's the baby,
how's everything tell us what's up?
Thank you for asking.
I just want to say though on just a little bit of what you're going through,
um you're right,
it's not easy.
(10:58):
And when you come to realization of what you have been through then comes the onset of dealing with it,
right?
And what helps me to remember always is that trauma is never your fault,
but healing is your responsibility.
(11:18):
So,
all of this process as icky as it is as annoying as downright,
you wanna,
you know,
get somebody for it.
It's part of the process that will prune you to become the greatest,
most mighty man that you can possibly be,
So embrace that,
(11:40):
embrace it and thank God you have a support system?
And you have this?
This is therapy and I don't mean just this sitting here,
but your,
your bravery to have a podcast invites you to be honest about your truth.
Those are your life savers in order for you to get through.
And I promise you,
I would even mark like today and one year from now we touch base and I promise you,
(12:01):
you will see a clearing that you would only have seen if you got through it this way.
So I encourage you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I appreciate those words.
That means a lot.
But I'm gonna flip it back on you,
Jeannie,
how are you doing?
I'm doing good.
This is a really,
really unique part of my life right now.
(12:21):
You know,
I um as you guys may or may not know,
I recently announced,
you know publicly that I'm pregnant and when you when you if you've ever been pregnant or you've never for me being a new mom the beginning,
you're just doubtful that you can be good enough and then you're afraid of getting too excited because I did miscarry once already.
(12:45):
So you don't know if you get too excited and then you tell people and then what happens if the baby doesn't make it then you gotta go around and tell everybody that didn't make it so going public was really big for me.
And then as soon as I went public,
the first question that everybody asked was why,
why?
Why did you choose to be to become a mom?
Because all my life,
if you've known my work on television or me talking to even friends,
(13:08):
I've always been very adamant about not being a mom.
So for me,
coming to realize that coming to answer that for myself was important because even though I'm not super social,
I always say that I'm an introvert being around people allows me to ask the questions that you guys asked me that I wouldn't ask myself.
(13:28):
Like if it happened then then then I know I'm in the process and I know I'm okay and I'm ready to be a mom.
But when you really asking like why are you ready to be a mom now when for 40 years you said no,
you didn't want to do it.
I really got to sit down and ask myself why are you ready?
So that process for me is what I'm in right now and it's a little hard in the sense of realizing some truths about myself and then also realizing when you've been lying to yourself.
(13:54):
Like that's kind of crazy too when you call yourself out,
like you always said this,
but that's just an easy way out of really dealing with what you had to deal with?
And that's where I'm at right now and I love it.
I'm that weird person now?
Some people love to pop pimples for fun.
Like I like popping my own emotional pimples.
I love,
I love getting in there,
(14:14):
get that black one,
I like that.
So,
so I'm in that right now and it's,
and it's,
it's fulfilling because I think that everybody knows when you step into a new transition in your life,
whether it's a new job,
getting out of a relationship,
going through divorce,
getting married,
having a baby,
you really should sit down and have like a kind of like come to jesus moment where you're with yourself of like you're stepping on to the next level,
(14:38):
you know?
And my favorite pastor says this Joyce Meyer,
She says new level new devil and that's basically saying that with the new level,
it doesn't come easy.
You don't just all of a sudden put your new nameplate at your new job and all of a sudden like,
let's do this,
everything's all good or step into a new marriage and y'all are in honeymoon land and it's perfect.
No,
there will be new devils,
(14:58):
new responsibilities,
new challenges,
new things you didn't see financial woes,
things you didn't see or maybe things you didn't handle that are gonna come up full three D to you.
So that's,
that's kind of where this is,
I'm like,
okay,
what is the new devils that I got baggage right?
Other people's baggage?
My favorite topic?
No question.
Did you want to ask her a question?
(15:20):
Something that came to you?
Why did you get that sense from me?
Yeah,
like that's how I mean.
Yeah,
I was really into what she was saying.
Um I was just sort of thinking about for myself because you asked me a question backstage about um how do you know that if you don't have kids,
we were just talking and it took me a moment,
I think I was a little off guard for a second when you asked,
(15:43):
and I was just sort of like and I had said this to keith um and thinking about you coming,
you know,
I have never talked about and no one's ever actually asked us why we don't have kids,
and most of the people around me will say,
oh you're such a mother hand,
because you're always sort of taking care of people,
I can see that.
And so you know when we're listening to you and that question back there,
(16:08):
I just wanted to be able to say that um trauma took that away from me because I wasn't sure if I was not going to funk up a kid because I'm a kid,
so I couldn't,
I had this real battle back and forth throughout our relationship where I was like,
(16:30):
I'm not I don't know if I'm ready,
I don't know if I'm ready,
I'm scared,
I don't know if I'm ready.
And so on some level I let trauma take it away from me and on some level I let my,
the person who abused me,
my dad take that away from me and now he's gone and I don't have that and I will not be able to reclaim that and I say that not to um not too damp for the moment but to say recognize what you need to recognize,
(17:03):
deal with it so that you can fulfill your life's journey.
I probably would have been a beautiful,
fabulous mother,
especially next to this dude who has always had my back and I will never be able to reclaim that in that manner and that's okay.
I'm not sad about it but claiming the moment and understanding,
(17:29):
which is what you're referring to,
understanding what I lost and and sort of being kind of like,
yeah,
that should happen,
but I'm okay.
I'm good.
I have other treasures and talents to offer the world and this is one of them.
Yeah,
no,
thank you for saying that and just you know,
one,
we just have to acknowledge,
(17:50):
you know our due to God kids that are that are great Coleman and my patient baby by release.
Um you know who has the same Beijing forehead that I do and it's just as playful as I am and um those are,
those are two joys in our life,
but you know,
thank you for sharing that and this is something that we haven't talked about and it's something that has been difficult um,
(18:16):
for me as well.
Um,
because you know,
I always felt like I didn't want to pass my ship to my child,
right?
The intergenerational trauma,
you know,
of uh,
of this sexual abuse,
um,
that's kind of been in my family.
Um,
but also just other shit,
(18:37):
right?
It just got me really kind of apprehensive and like,
like we're not,
didn't feel like we were straight,
you know what I'm saying or in a place they're like,
wow,
like,
you know,
we struggle sometimes to take care of each other.
Like how are we gonna take care of a child?
You know what I'm saying?
And so like that was the,
you know,
that was the fear,
(18:57):
you know.
Um,
and so it's something that was a hard decision and things and um,
but we,
you know,
we made it individually and then made it together,
you know what I'm saying?
So,
um,
so thank you for that honesty as always rocks.
You know,
I love you to pieces,
you know what I mean?
And you know,
there's nothing we can't do.
So if you want to adopt a dog,
(19:19):
like somebody record that because I've been asking to adopt a dog for a while.
Somebody get that on film,
please.
You know,
I get amnesia from time to time.
But no,
thank you for that.
I just think that's,
that's just real,
so jenny,
thank you for even,
you know,
you talked about it on instagram and things like that and I started another conversation between me and her so,
(19:43):
so thank you for that and um you know,
let me just say,
you know I've been following you for a long time um which I told you about and the fact that you've always been authentic,
the fact that you did go under on the reel and disclose and that meant so much to me as a survivor,
but also to talk about your relationships and,
(20:03):
and,
and things like that and so um you know it made sense um for us to,
for us to talk to you and so thank you for always,
always just being real like you no pun intended.
Yeah,
thank you.
But I got to ask the question like why the hell you want to come to boston and talk to us,
you know what I'm saying?
(20:25):
Like people like why is jenny mind coming to boston to talk to keep it Roxanne.
You know honestly the name of your podcast triggered me um living a triggered life that is a beautiful way of owning.
If you have been traumatized whether it was in your childhood,
(20:48):
whether it was just last year,
whether it's in a current relationship,
trauma doesn't have to be somebody coming up to you and middle of the night when you get off the bus and clock you on the head,
you know with a metal object,
it can be somebody just verbally spewing things at you for a long time where you just internalize it,
it could be being in a relationship where you start to mhm perform or be a different personality because you want to appease this person,
(21:14):
but you don't realize that you're,
you know,
you're feeling trapped or you're feeling afraid to to mess up something,
it could be generational trauma that passes down to you,
it could be poverty,
it could be anything right?
So it's hard to find a person that doesn't live a triggered life and I know for one for me,
as soon as I owned that I have triggers,
(21:35):
I was much more capable of calling them out and starting to heal and my husband is a big part of that,
you know,
I don't think walking into that relationship with him that I knew I was living a triggered life um and we can talk more about that in a bit,
but when I saw your podcast title,
I was like,
I am here for anybody who makes it their business.
(21:59):
Like makes men,
when I say making it their business,
I'm talking about like you literally open the wounds as uncomfortable as it may be to talk about your ship to talk about my ship so that we can all gain some gems from that together and heal as a group,
you know,
because obviously I do believe that her people can hurt people,
but he'll people can heal people and so what you guys are doing here is a great service to all of us and I'm I'm I should be thankful to you guys because you're healing me in the process of having me here.
(22:28):
So thank you.
No,
thank you emotional.
I can't help it.
Who knew you sharing the deepest,
darkest parts of your life was going to bring what it has brought to us.
(22:50):
We've we've been really blessed by just sharing our truths and putting ourselves out there more you than me because you do a lot of the behind the scenes.
I just show up and make sure I do my part and support you,
but just understand something,
right?
This is supposed to be fucking happening,
(23:13):
right,
right?
This is supposed to happen.
She's supposed to be here.
They're supposed to be here witnessing this.
Yeah.
It's supposed to happen.
Yeah,
I did think about it,
but I forget.
So we just have to embrace,
(23:33):
embrace you.
Tell me this all the time,
be present.
See,
don't just see the negative,
see the positive,
embrace it.
You tell me that all the time.
That's where you at boo,
embrace this,
this woman right here just threw us like all kinds of love in that answer.
(23:58):
I mean,
love that we wouldn't expect,
right?
But it came to our way and that's been happening because we're speaking the truth because we are utilizing our essence with the world and that's what happened.
(24:18):
Yeah,
no,
I felt it.
That's why because I am president and vulnerable and I felt that love.
And so,
you know,
I got emotional.
I'm not upset about that at all because you know,
you know better,
you know better than that.
I'm not upset about that also,
you know,
I'm just,
I'm,
I get moved from time to time because I've thought about this,
you know,
when you think about it,
when you have,
you know,
level 14 pain from shingles and you think about everything and then it happens.
(24:43):
You're like,
just in that moment,
there's no way that you can't be emotional about that.
You know what I'm saying cause a lot of this work,
you know,
came from from pain.
So,
so thank you for that.
Um,
but let's keep moving.
Um,
so you know,
(25:03):
how does,
how does the,
how does the trauma affected,
you know,
your relationships,
um,
you know,
with your family and,
and you know,
and personal because you talked about and talked about it a little bit.
I think the first,
The first part of realizing that trauma affects all parts of my relationships,
(25:27):
my personality my,
you know,
going through 2030,
I only came out about my Um,
sexual abuse at 40.
So I have a YouTube channel called Hello Honey.
And on this channel,
I confronted my mom because I really don't care about my abuser anymore.
I know exactly where he's,
you know,
(25:47):
he's over there and I don't,
I don't care about that situation.
I cared more about what's still in my life,
which is my mom and we had a major falling out for about um Since I was about 13 to about 24 and now we're really close.
Her name is Mama,
(26:07):
my she's everything to me.
She's so fun,
she's vivacious.
She's she's like,
she's my alter Ego,
you know?
But the one dark part that I had about my mom is why she bailed on me when I needed her when I told her that I got raped and when I was nine,
you know,
and it was a family member that she approved to come and babysit me,
(26:28):
you know,
So confronting her on my channel was the first time I had ever spoken about it.
And when I tell you that freed everything within me,
it made me think about something that I say all the time today,
which is own the shit you hide or the ship you hide will own you.
And that's honestly my entire train of thought today,
(26:53):
which is when I was hiding,
not just the abuse,
obviously you're not going to walk around telling people all the time that this happened to you,
but when you hide um that you're kind of chickenshit if people um who seem stronger than you will come in and take advantage of you or bully you,
that you really are a people pleaser and you're embarrassed about it.
(27:16):
Maybe you are insecure about your body in certain places and you are supposed to for me and as Jeannie mai supposed to act all about it and I'm supposed to act like I'm confident all the time if I'm supposed to act like I've got all the answers like I'm not owning that.
No,
I am flawed.
I do have insecurities.
I'm still figuring out how to stand up to people and say no,
(27:37):
you know all these things that happened from my abuse and and just becoming that personality.
Well then that eventually owns me.
You know when people call you out like you ain't being real,
you said this,
but you mean,
but you're doing this or you know,
you act like you're all confident but you really don't carry yourself that way or or you know if I read comments on instagram,
it does eat me up alive.
(27:58):
I gotta own those things and so so confronting my mom for some reason,
it not only unleashed a connection with my mom and and to forgive and understand why she didn't know what to say at the time and she owned that,
but it also just made me go,
whoa when that when all the ugly surfaced about what has happened to me because of that type of trauma all of a sudden it felt so much easier to tell people like no,
(28:21):
I get anxiety when I go to a bunch of parties,
I actually don't want to go to your crazy ass party,
but you can come out of my house on next friday or you know,
if I'm wearing something that doesn't make me feel good about myself looking up in the,
in the mirror and being like,
genie,
you cute,
but you don't like this because it makes you focus too much on this area and you don't like that area of your body.
So let's either go work out or find another outfit,
but own that instead of just walking around,
(28:43):
you know,
looking like this and trying to wait for somebody,
you know,
or feeling apprehensive when somebody else points it out in you,
you know?
Um so I think my twenties and thirties,
I spent a lot of time trying to be something that I wasn't trying to be more confident,
trying to be more strong,
try to be the person that can carry the persona that we all look up to,
(29:04):
which is a strong,
defiant woman who looks like she has all the answers,
but that really isn't me.
At the end of the day,
I'm that woman who is trying to heal,
gain a better grip on what it is about myself and why I think the way I do,
why I love the way I do,
why I'm passionate about things and I don't care about certain things and and the more that I own that the more I like myself,
(29:29):
you know,
So I think from 20 to 30 when you ask what my trauma was like I read somewhere that the four types of you would probably know this more than me,
Roxanne,
but the four types of ways of dealing,
I'm sorry,
the four types of effects that trauma can cause you is fight or flight,
which we all know freeze and appease.
(29:51):
And I've been through all four of those all the way up until like two years ago.
You know,
I,
I definitely fought a lot when I was younger.
If you go back to Milpitas high and I come from the bay,
so if you go to the independent high school high school,
um Piedmont high School,
these are all the high schools that I transferred to.
All I did was fight,
I don't know why,
but I just,
(30:11):
that was my,
my,
if somebody fucked with you,
all you need to do was just let's go,
it's on.
And then the next thing was flight,
you just ghost.
I was so good at ghosting mid twenties.
Like if I didn't like a guy because he maybe said something that felt too slick for me or maybe I was dating somebody and then I got afraid of getting into the commitment,
I knew how to ghost and I would flight,
(30:33):
you know,
And then freeze.
That was a big part of my 30's.
I definitely remember times where I let people bully me or I think even in my past marriage,
I kind of froze at some points where I knew it wasn't right,
but you freeze and you just don't know what to do.
And then a piece I went through a big people pleasing stage,
my late 30s where if I,
(30:55):
if somebody wasn't happy,
I would immediately be like,
what can I do?
Well let me fix this.
I'm sorry,
even though I didn't do anything wrong.
But those people,
they know how to prey on people who do,
they know how to prey on you.
If they see like,
oh,
you you want to try to please me and so you become codependent on each other.
So I had to,
you know,
cut bridges with friends,
(31:16):
find how to clear that path.
And so now I'm in a much healthier place because I think what I've done is I've done the work too,
to really clean up my environment.
You know what it was?
I read this one time and I actually put it into practice.
I read a quote that said,
if a flower doesn't bloom,
(31:38):
what do you blame the the flower or the environment?
Right?
So if this plant didn't bloom,
we're not going to say stupid fucking plants fucking sucks,
Where'd you get this at?
No,
you're gonna be like,
there's no water in the jar,
which there really isn't any water in the jar.
You're gonna be like,
there's no sun in here,
it's dark as hell.
We need some sun,
we need some light,
we need some soil,
we need some water,
(31:59):
but we don't do that to ourselves.
When we when we fail to bloom or when we're not happy with ourselves,
we should on ourselves,
we talk smack about ourselves,
We let ourselves down.
Right?
But really you don't look at your environment,
Are you around healthy people?
Are you having healthy conversations or are you all you doing sitting around a group of people that just talk about other people all day?
(32:21):
Are you nurturing yourself?
Are you getting the foods you need?
Are you working out,
are you getting outside to actually see some fresh air?
Are you filling your mind with good content?
Are you sitting there on the gram?
All you're doing is just stalking and trolling and looking at negative things about people that was totally me.
I didn't have a healthy environment,
I wasn't taking care of myself,
I wasn't eating right,
(32:41):
I kind of learned that actually Was malnutrition in myself.
I had a low key eating disorder because I was keeping to about maybe 5-600 calories a day total.
Another side side,
convo about not taking care of myself.
I was in an unhealthy relationship,
I wasn't being real with myself and then I also compared myself to people on the gram all day long.
(33:03):
I had my algorithm was all people I wish I kind of was like,
so when I started to stop following things on instagram and comparing myself to people that I don't really want to be like and I got rid of friends and people that weren't healthy for my mental needs.
And I really just started spending time by myself to start making myself start answering the hard questions and talking to myself.
(33:30):
That's when I started to bloom.
Yeah,
let's let's just go to that.
I know Roxanne,
this is your question that you have a question you do.
But so what is the,
do you feel like you were ready to meet jeezy?
Do you feel like you had done the work um you know,
to be able to see him and go yeah,
(33:51):
and you were like,
you were like yeah,
like because you know like even when I met Roxanne and we were talking about it and stuff like that,
we we both had were a mess,
but we had done enough work that we could see each other and then we started that process of,
you know,
(34:11):
Roxanne said it before that our trauma kids,
kids grew up together,
you know what I'm saying?
But um you know,
you going through so much jeezy having his head trauma and the whole nine,
what was the work that you had to do um to be able to receive or to see that there was something beautiful in front of you.
(34:33):
So the two part question is one,
did you feel like you were ready at that point and to what was the work that you feel like you did to be able to kind of receive that moment?
I definitely think that if I met jeezy 10 years ago,
maybe even five years ago,
I wouldn't be as ready as I am now,
(34:56):
and I say that because when you do begin to do the work on yourself,
you are truly capable of owning your truths and the greatest gift to any relationship and you guys might know this is being self aware enough to fix you or to fix the situation because who you are and and what you're doing over there is not my business,
(35:22):
you know,
your perception of me is a reflection of you,
but my reaction to you is an awareness of me,
so I gotta work on myself,
you know?
So,
when he met me,
I had already done so much work on myself that I was like,
when I tell you guys confidence gz it could have been juicy,
(35:45):
it could be whatever.
I was like,
what do you have for me?
What?
Why?
Why do you,
should I give you my time of day and that's a sense of confidence I didn't have when I was 20 or when I was 30 you know,
I really back then,
if somebody,
you know,
gave me attention,
I would immediately be like,
hey,
hi,
how you doing,
you know,
but no,
(36:05):
now,
it was like,
why tell me why?
And I was just unbothered not in a cocky way,
not in a mean way,
just in a way of like,
I know I am a queen,
I know I'm that B you know,
I know this.
So,
so why do you know?
And show me?
And he's the,
he's the same for him.
He was like,
(36:25):
I'm the ship,
you know,
I'm jesus,
right,
right.
Yeah.
And so you show me and so both of us,
it wasn't an ego thing.
It was more,
of course,
it was more of a,
wow,
We know our worth so well that how are we able to spar so that we actually complement each other and roll the red carpet out for one another and make each other feel so esteemed,
(36:50):
but at the same time,
so served in this love that we have to create,
you know what,
you know what,
you know what it is,
rocks to talk about it all.
I want to talk about it all the time.
Yeah,
people don't talk about that.
People think that it's all about the physical.
No,
no,
no,
no,
no,
no,
(37:10):
no,
Y'all were,
y'all will mind fucking for sure,
like,
and that's a beautiful,
like,
that's a beautiful thing,
like,
and we don't think about it in that way,
but when you're intellectually stimulated by somebody else and you,
you just,
that synergy goes back and forth and things like that and whatever and,
you know,
when it just happens naturally,
(37:31):
it's a beautiful,
it's a beautiful,
but the piece about it is,
which is what you said when you're feeling the whole of yourself,
right?
So if I'm sitting like this right versus sitting up arching my back,
right?
When you feel the whole of yourself,
then you bring that to the relationship to the moment,
(37:54):
just all of it.
And that's what happened with us where we,
we told you we didn't,
we weren't seeing each other when we first met for like six months,
we just talked on the phone.
We don't mind working and it was great.
It's true because when we did come together,
it was just like firecrackers.
It was like,
whoa,
yes,
(38:15):
yes,
this is gonna work.
No,
it's so true.
I actually,
um,
I never knew this,
but I am a true Sapio sexual,
a person who gets turned on by,
you know,
the work that takes place between my ears,
not the work between my legs.
You know,
and I really enjoy that.
He is the same way.
And I think we both,
(38:35):
you know,
when we're younger,
we went for what,
you know,
society really has an impression on you.
So whether you're younger and you go for the hot sexy dude that like all your friends be telling you about or the guy that hits you up on the club in the club or the guy who has like the money or the cars,
all these things that you're supposed to think is fly right?
(38:57):
But it wasn't until I quieted the noise and worked on myself that I was like,
no,
I actually really love intelligence and I love sensitivity and vulnerability and deep conversations and good sick sense of humor.
You know,
these things that have nothing to do with the physical and so right.
Our first date was actually just,
(39:18):
I think it was,
gosh,
like six,
maybe,
maybe 8 to 10 hours of just talking and salsa dancing.
He salsa dance to that.
I give him dance.
Yes,
but that,
that alone just showed me like,
oh my God,
like we could not even touch the physical and I'm good here.
Like I'm Yes,
(39:38):
exactly.
But you have to work on yourself in order to know these things and that's why like anybody out there who's single,
you know,
this is a magical time for you.
I envy you if you're single because when you are quiet,
that's when you can simmer the noise and listen to sound the sound of your thoughts.
(39:58):
The sound of your needs,
the sound of the things that you should work on and when you really date yourself and take care of yourself,
the right person who comes along and starts to be able to handle it as good as you did is when you really start having quality data,
what's what's also important with that and thank you for saying that cause that's important is that,
(40:18):
you know,
even in this relationship and things like that.
Which 1?
This 1?
Well,
I mean I just met Jeannie,
which is this is a newer relationship.
No,
no.
Yeah,
yeah.
You say that like it's important for her,
like you were saying before that like I try to the best that I can be for me,
she's being the best that she can for her and then we come together,
(40:42):
but it's important for me to have my quiet space.
It's important for her to have her quiet space and I try to respect her quiet space as much as possible because that's how she's,
that's how she's doing exactly what you were telling the single folks to do.
It's important that you do that in relationships because if not then you start to lose,
you start to lose yourself because you're,
(41:04):
you know you're connected because we're so connected,
just like,
like you know what I mean the other night she was like,
I felt some tension and I was like,
she was up and I was like,
like she's like ninja,
why you up?
And I was like what are you doing?
And I was like,
yo I feel that tension from you,
yo yo I feel it just like your stupid go to sleep.
(41:24):
I was,
I was like,
I'm having my me time.
No,
go away,
but no,
thank you,
No,
thank you for saying that because that's important for us to have our time and um you know,
to replenish,
um define art,
The write poetry.
Um,
and all those great,
all those great things.
(41:45):
You have a question.
Roxanne.
Why are you looking at me like that?
Because you don't write poetry?
Do you write poetry?
Um I have a one man show that I wrote a little bit but john whatever I write poetry.
So I do have a question.
This is like,
she's such a hater.
(42:05):
Um what's it like being with a black man?
No,
I'm just saying because I had to drive by.
I hope nobody gets offended.
I had to drive by a white man and we got real close to where you had to what I had to drive by with a white man.
She's from,
she's from the bay.
So that means something that means something when you say that.
(42:27):
So you gotta be careful.
She's okay.
She's from the yeah.
So you can't just be throwing out stuff,
you know,
break it down.
Let's just make sure the clarity is here in the room.
What's the drive by Roxanne?
He showed up.
He got naked.
I said,
hell no.
And he went out the door.
(42:47):
He took out the gun.
I just couldn't do it.
I was like mm you smell weird.
It was bad.
I just,
I was trying.
He was cute.
He was cute man,
cute.
I only do cute,
but I got to a place where I was really clear you must be a black man.
(43:11):
I couldn't even funk with Puerto Rican men but I think my dad sucked that up for me.
I think I could have been for Puerto Rican man,
but he sucked that up for me.
So I just was like,
I had a little Puerto Rican boyfriend when I was in high school though.
And we would ride the train in new york up and down because I couldn't date boys,
I couldn't do anything.
So we would just ride the train and talk basketball.
(43:34):
That was the only Puerto Rican man we did.
That was my little boyfriend louis.
I wonder what happened to him.
But anyway,
what I wanna know.
So I'm sharing my history because I want to know because out there,
you know what I'm saying?
Roxanne Roxanne on I.
G at.
(43:56):
So I'm asking because that's my experience.
Like I was like,
I'm gonna try this out.
And then I was like mm that's a no.
And when I was telling folks,
my people close to me that you were coming to talk with us,
they were like,
you know,
she said I was like really?
(44:17):
Oh I'm gonna ask her what it's like to be with a black man because you know,
they say when you go black,
you never go back so you're wondering if you talk stereotypes.
I'm just saying that's what they said.
I didn't say it,
honey.
They saw the clip.
They saw the clip.
(44:38):
Yes,
I did say it.
Okay,
so I'm just wondering what it's like for you.
Like,
is it different?
Is it the same?
And it sounds like,
I don't know.
Of course,
I don't know him personally.
I just met you,
but he sounds legit.
But what is it like?
I think,
I mean,
I guess you're talking physically,
(44:58):
right?
No,
no,
no,
no,
no.
I'm telling you my physical clip to Jeannie saw the clip too.
That's why I know my apologies.
I'm not speaking physically.
I'm sorry.
I no,
(45:19):
no,
no,
no,
no,
my apologies.
I'll tell you right now.
So,
like I said from the very day that we dated,
it definitely wasn't just a physical thing.
You know,
it was it was all mental,
if I'm honest,
the way we we became attracted to each other.
And I've never been in that type of relationship before.
(45:39):
That that to me is new when you're so attracted to someone mentally,
that all your physical starts racing because of how much you want to dig deep into this someone,
someone's brain,
how much you want to learn about them.
So,
for me,
I mean,
when I'm intimate with with my man,
(46:00):
it is because of how much I know of him,
how much I know he knows and how much I want to learn more about him.
That that is truly a completely different sexual high than I've ever had in anybody else.
And then the mental high of it is also something that keeps me engaged and and pumped for him.
So that,
(46:20):
that that's just a,
that's just a jeezy thing,
right?
That's just him.
Um,
I think what I really love though about understanding J as a black man is really appreciating the depth of what he's come from.
And I don't just mean his culture,
his heritage,
his family,
history,
his ancestors,
but also just where he's come from in his childhood.
(46:44):
You know,
just coming from a place like Hawkinsville Atlanta,
um,
how he had to Take care of his family,
how he had to buy a trailer for his family to survive and live in,
how he had to help put his sister through school,
how he had his son at 16 and how he managed to learn to become a man as he was raising one.
It's just those are the type of things that really teach me the esteem respect I have for this man and to be black in America on top of all that,
(47:14):
you know,
he tells me stories about how he had to have white partners co sign certain paperwork for him because they wouldn't give him the rights to go and buy a building that he wanted to buy,
you know,
or to go and make the business moves that his white counterparts could do because he was who he is and those are things I will never understand because I never grew up in it.
(47:38):
So I have to learn and that to me when you learn the type of strife a person goes through just to survive in the same country that I I live in.
My mind is blown constantly by this being my husband and that being now the father of our child.
No,
no,
thank you for that.
(47:58):
And I think one day,
you know,
that's really interesting is that,
you know,
you're talking about and you know,
I'm a survivor,
you're a survivor and that,
you know,
we go intellectual first,
right in terms of being in terms of intimacy,
right?
So the it seems like the intellectual part allows the rest of the body to be present.
(48:20):
And so it's just something that I just,
you know that I just thought about and even,
well,
you know what it is because Roxanne's a psychotherapist.
Um there's something that happens that's called that I call rocks nemesis that I start talking like her and I have no reason why,
like sometimes he just didn't,
he just did it like I'm a therapist and I'm not.
(48:42):
Um but yeah,
that's right,
but it's true.
No,
but it's true.
So one I will say,
let me just say when I walk around with keith in the world and realize and notice how people treat him,
you know,
I have those moments of um like currently my thing is I never want you to drive.
(49:05):
That's my thing lately.
I don't want you to drive because I'm scared I'll drive.
Use my light skin,
maybe I'll get pulled over,
maybe I won't,
but I don't want you to drive.
So I get I just want to sort of find a middle ground with you in understanding what you were saying and then the other pieces,
(49:25):
you know,
some people were like why the Museum of Science?
And I was saying the keith,
you know,
a lot of what we're talking about,
this trauma is all about the neurobiology of the brain,
right?
Your body remember,
oh shout out to James Moreau and the Museum of Science for having us,
thank you.
(49:46):
Your body remembers what happened to it and your brain has to,
you know,
reprocess what happened to you?
And so the brain piece or using your brain or sort of being inclined to sort of use your brain in that way and then it connects your body is sometimes a way to sort of avoid the harm that was done to you,
(50:16):
right?
Because if you initially just like,
you know,
I work with a lot of young people,
you know the hookup scenario,
if you initially just doing the hook up and you've been your body's been harmed,
it only takes a split second for that individual to do something that makes you question what what's happening here?
(50:38):
Am I safe?
What do I need to do?
Or sometimes what happens is your brain takes over and shuts everything down,
right?
And so like it is surprising to hear that that was something similar,
but when you really think about it,
you have a little bit more control of the situation.
(50:59):
When you connect intellectually prior to the physical.
Yes.
You know that you're safe because you're in a conversation because my famous question has always been for men who want to talk to me,
what are your intentions?
Right?
And that stops them in their they stop in their tracks.
They were like,
whoa,
what do you mean?
(51:19):
Why are you asking me what are my intentions?
And that's because I felt something in my body about what you were doing and what's going on.
The energy didn't feel right and I'm pausing you right now and I'm giving you a heads up that you need to step away.
But not everybody has done the work to be able to do that.
And so sometimes you can really control the situation being intellectual in the conversation because then you can continue to scan.
(51:48):
You can continue to listen right?
Look and understand what am I seeing here.
Am I all right.
Am I going to be all right with you?
Yes.
And that's not across the board,
but you know,
it makes sense in a way.
Yeah.
No,
thank you for that.
Um,
we,
we got to get to some genie thank you so much.
Um,
we have some folks have some questions so we're taking like,
(52:12):
wow,
this is this is unbelievable.
I thought people going to ask about the clip,
Roxanne,
but they haven't because they know what happened in the clip.
Okay.
Um so here's,
here's a question.
Um and I won't necessarily use the name,
but have any triggers taking you over the edge.
And what do you do to cope?
(52:32):
I guess uh Roxanne,
you can start first.
Oh I can,
how come you're not starting?
Like you both did this,
I didn't see it.
Um so you know,
we just had this conversation recently with charlemagne,
the God for a quick second.
We talked about using the word trigger versus activated activated is more sort of um closer to what's happening in your body and your brain and you know the whole scenario and I was activated today because thinking about coming here and being on stage and with two fashion focused people and how so a lot of my trauma,
(53:18):
what remains for me is how I see my body and how I emotionally eat.
And so I was very activated.
He said he was gonna talk to me.
So I'm getting ahead of him.
So before he talks about me,
I was very activated in what I was wearing because I have a lot of,
(53:39):
there's a lot of stuff that goes on in my brain and I'm very worried about how people see my body,
I'm more so more worried how I see my own body and I'm getting better,
but that has been a super long journey and for people who don't know,
I used to be around 350 wow.
(54:01):
And that the majority of that weight that I was carrying,
that extra weight was all my father's baggage and my mother's baggage and all the things that happened prior inter generationally and that's what I figured out after I lost like 100 and plus pounds.
(54:21):
So that's what activates me clothing,
how it fits how this world doesn't make clothes from my ass.
Your past has a legacy.
Just remember that anybody was listening to the podcast knows that,
wait,
did they hear that one yet?
I hope they heard that one yet.
(54:42):
You want to hear that yet?
That's that's part of the new york one that she says but let me just say for the record,
yo we Roxanne brought out this Nike jacket,
we know that people who know us know there was Nike fools or whatever,
but this jacket is $800 jacket that we got the marshals for 49 99.
The tag is still on it,
(55:04):
the tag,
the tag is still on it and I bought it for and I said you're gonna fit into this.
And she was like I'm aware that she was like I'm aware the jacket because I was like I just grab some pants from Zara or whatever.
And I was she was like I'm away the jacket and I was like,
what are you talking about?
She's like,
no,
the jacket.
And I was like the motorcycle jacket.
(55:24):
How many years have we had this?
Like 2020 years?
Never wore it.
Never wore it until until right now.
Yes.
Look,
the tag is still on the joint because we're like,
we're always gonna remember that.
We bought it for 499,
we bought it for 49 99.
(55:44):
It was $879.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh,
I love saving money.
Look,
you had more time we go shop at Primark would be over.
Look,
listen,
I'm sorry,
let's get back to this.
No,
we'll have to tell you about primer because you're gonna have to come back.
(56:05):
We have to go shopping shopping for the baby.
Like,
okay,
we gotta,
I'm sorry.
Um so the next question is is I've been cheated on and all but one relationship,
I've taken all the blame and it harms my relationships.
I want that to stop,
but I don't have the tools,
(56:25):
any tips where to start.
Um that hits me hard,
That really hits me hard because there's nothing worse than finding out you've been cheated on,
but numerous times and I'm just keeping it real here,
that becomes an issue that you need to recognize about yourself because you're permitting these things to happen to you.
(56:54):
I mean,
men are men,
you know,
there's good men,
there's bad men,
but men are going to be men,
how you deal with these situations when they come at you is one thing but also how you screen and filter the men that you give your time to is everything right?
So I feel like you and I are gonna tag team this one Roxanne.
(57:16):
Right?
I think the first thing is to just chill out from dating for a second.
That this is what I would do and I would really spend that time that I sat here talking about with yourself and really go deep and and and only you will know this answer.
But to really figure out what is it that you feel you need in a relationship,
(57:42):
what do you need versus what do you want?
And I would even I'm I like seeing,
I like making lists because then I can read and see but I would make a list of all these these men that you dated and write down what first attracted you.
Like why?
Why did you go for that?
Was that stability?
Was it something nice they said about you,
(58:02):
did they just complement you?
Was it the d what?
I don't know what it was.
Just whatever it was,
write it all down.
And then what did you think you were going to get from them?
Like literally?
Right.
Did you think one was going to give you security?
Did you think one was um loyal?
Did you think one was just like a good look on your arm,
Whatever it may be?
Uh huh,
love.
Right?
And then what I really this is the column to really pay attention to is the red flags every time something goes wrong,
(58:32):
I promise you as a woman,
your intuition the whole time was sitting there saying,
I told you,
I told you don't listen.
And I wonder whoever wrote this question for all those men,
whenever,
by the time you found out that they cheated on you,
did you have red flags that really went off And told you that this ain't the one or that this is something suss whatever it may be.
(59:00):
And at that point I would really look at that list and I would see what I saw that attracted me.
So you already know there's like this shiny thing that happens in relationships that make you like,
oh,
I think that that's good for me.
And then what did you really want from them?
That probably wasn't fulfilled,
right?
And then you got to be real with yourself to to say why did you listen to yourself in these red flags?
(59:22):
And that's where you really have to have a conversation with yourself about why you don't pay attention to her,
her inside there Because every woman is built with her who speaks to you,
Who calls you out and when your intuition is really strong,
like a muscle,
you've got to work it out when it's so strong,
you not only know yourself well,
(59:44):
but you know them too.
You see them and you can just read it like a book if they're right or they're not or if they're being real or they're not.
So that's the first step.
I would get it.
Roxanne,
you got some rocks.
Maciste.
Look,
this is the episode of Hey Roxanne.
You know the only thing I'm going to say because you did an excellent job is that when you get that need list,
(01:00:09):
figure out how you give yourself those needs first,
right?
Practice.
We think that we don't have to practice ship.
We don't have no relationship manual.
We don't have no mother manual.
No one gave us nothing.
We learned by we we all are walking around.
We've learned behaviors that can be unlearned.
(01:00:33):
Okay so when you do your need list,
give yourself those things first and figure out what that means.
Right about it.
Journal about it.
Do what you gotta do.
But give it to yourself first at least once.
And then think about how you want to move forward.
Because that list will get smaller and you will only be needing a couple of things from somebody else because you will be able to fulfill it for yourself.
(01:01:00):
That's work.
You have to do none of this relationship ship work.
It doesn't happen without work.
So you gotta show up.
Haven't done some work.
Yeah.
No no thank you all.
Um We only got a couple of seconds left.
Um Y'all really broke that.
That's a good question.
(01:01:21):
That was thank you,
thank you for these questions.
Um And it's pretty cool to um you know have an ipad with with questions which is great.
Um But you know,
G.
D.
My or I should say Jeannie,
thank you so much for coming and being on the podcast,
we just feel really blessed um to have you and I just feel like this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship and relationship.
(01:01:47):
Like I just that's just how I feel,
maybe I'm lying to myself but um I don't I don't think so,
what do you think?
I don't think so.
I think that we talked about it just before we were coming out here that this was in the making,
right?
Um This is what was supposed to happen and we talked together as if we didn't just meet,
(01:02:14):
we talked to like I know you right,
right,
we did that.
And then we even had a moment which I want to say keith was running around and Gina and I were in the back for a while and we sat quietly with each other quiet,
it was silent but we were very comfortable and our energy and it was yes,
(01:02:39):
it was vibing and we just sat there quietly for a long time.
We didn't have to talk and that's how you know who you and the company of.
Yeah.
Yeah because that's right,
that's safety,
right?
And we don't always feel safe with a lot of people so so um so thank you for that but um you know,
big shout out to James Monroe for the work that he does and the belief,
(01:03:03):
you know that he had in me and this whole concept and and the Museum of Science because um the museum is trying to do different things and you know,
we're having this conversation in the Museum of Science y'all like this is a big deal,
This is a big deal.
So thank you to the crew.
Thank you to everybody else.
Um but you've been listening to living a triggered life podcast with keith,
(01:03:29):
Maskell,
Roxanne Masco and Jeannie My Jenkins presented by the it's a trigger project and remember you're no longer surviving,
you're thriving and you've earned that.
Thank you.
Thank you.
(01:03:53):
Let's have another hand for living a trigger life podcast with special guest Jeannie Mai Jenkins,
Jeannie Roxanne keith,
thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for agreeing to be here at the Museum of Science and to share this really important and special conversation with all of us.
I can't thank you enough.
Um I feel like I have three new friends as well,
(01:04:14):
so thank you.
Um I want to say thank you to our yeah discount double check,
I want to say thank you to our friends in science sandbox for making tonight possible.
Thank you to all of you for joining us and spending your thursday night with us.
We hope you will continue to do so all season long.
We're gonna end the virtual stream.
(01:04:34):
We're gonna say good night to our Digital friends.
Thank you for tuning in.
And for all of you who are here in person,
We're gonna invite you to keep the party going with us,
keep the conversation going.
We have a reception.
That's gonna happen right now.
One floor down the DJ is gonna be spinning again.
There's a step and repeat.
We just ask you keep those masks fully on except for actively eating or drinking.
And we will see you down there.
(01:04:54):
Thank you so much.
Okay?
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