Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Welcome to living a triggered life podcast with keith and Roxanne presented by the trigger project.
Find out more information about the trigger project,
go to www dot triggered one and we are getting to part two of how we met Alright so Roxanne,
where'd we leave off?
We provided some information about where we were coming from at that time in our life when we met you know really talking about family and this concept of family titles and boundaries and how we learned to create boundaries and that's when we were sort of right before we have met each other and then we get introduced by an individual that let's just say in their own journey,
(00:45):
right?
Their own journey around their experiences and again I want to be fair but also their own journey and their experiences but also what seems to be acting out on those experiences which is what happens for a lot of different people.
So that's where we left off and we started talking about the real real about that,
(01:06):
you know like we left off talking about you know it seemed like this person was trying to get us engaged in some sort of sexual scenario that would have involved more than two people,
you know,
we were starting to sort of approach this,
what is that like right?
We at the beginning of our recovery and trying to figure our lives out after being sexually abused,
(01:28):
we are young,
emerging adults,
we are trying to figure things out all in the midst of continuing to be in our families with questionable support,
that's what I'll call it.
Right?
That's where we left off.
That's a lot.
That's a lot.
It is a lot.
So,
you were saying that you asked to meet men?
(01:49):
I I asked to meet men.
That would be correct,
Right?
Because I was trying to get out of a relationship where it was not good for me,
not good for me at all.
Right,
okay.
So we don't have to worry about the other meals is so to speak.
So yeah,
so I got a phone call from my cousin will call my cousin and so it was like,
hey,
you know,
you want to meet,
(02:09):
you want to have a friend that's coming down,
wants to meet some folks or whatever.
She met a couple of people and whatever.
You know,
I told her,
you know,
I tried to hook her up with someone else in your family and that didn't work.
So um I thought of you and I thought you were pretty cool and whatever,
so you wanna come and meet her.
So I said,
okay,
I was like,
cool word,
you know,
why not?
I'm not doing nothing else.
(02:29):
But when was the last time you had been dating?
I wasn't really dating all that much to be honest.
I mean,
I,
you know,
I had a couple of,
a couple of folks that I would,
you know,
kind of get with a little bit in some ways,
even though I was still incredibly guarded and it's just not comfortable enough with myself but gosh there's been a couple of years that was really dating you know you know a couple of drive bys here and there and stuff like that kind of consistent but not really but not like a real relationship.
(02:59):
So it's been it's been two years maybe three years of not having been Yeah,
like I committed like a committed relationship like boot up like really boot up,
you know what I mean?
And people were like oh my god I know you know you have women and no I wasn't,
no that was not the situation,
you know what I mean?
Did have a lot of people coming my way and things like that,
but I just was not comfortable it was just too much and I was in a relationship that I really didn't want to be out of emotionally but also knew that I needed to be out of it because it was it was hurting me so you don't want to get into it,
(03:36):
but I think it's important.
So I met a few men before keith came along and had some different experiences let's say of a minor sort.
And then the evening that keith came,
even though it was a really long time ago,
I still remember kind of what he was wearing because I opened the front door for him and this individual said oh I know I tried to set you up with one of his relatives but you know,
(04:01):
they're not coming through.
Do you want to meet him?
And I said,
yeah,
I'm here to meet people,
let's make this happen,
chop chop.
And um that night came and you rang the doorbell music?
Mhm.
If you did,
I don't remember what the theme was.
It was probably Prince,
it was probably day and I opened the door and there he was standing.
(04:33):
It was nighttime,
wasn't it?
It was it was nighttime because you were coming from work or something.
It was like early evening,
yeah,
just five or six o'clock.
It was probably like seven cause I was like,
I just cleaned my one classroom and stuff.
Oh yeah,
take a shower and I opened the door and I saw him and I knew,
I just knew,
(04:53):
I mean she was nice,
you know what I mean?
I remember I was wearing a black trench coat,
black pants,
you know,
some stylish shoes at the time,
you know,
very,
very multicolored shirt.
You know brother,
He was an interesting looking brother that I mean,
I mean he's nice looking,
but he was interesting looking trench coat,
(05:13):
trench coach all day.
That was your grandfather's trench coat that you had on,
wasn't it?
Something like that?
I'm still wearing trench coats.
It looked very,
it was very different for that time of year to see somebody with that because that trench coat was,
how old fifties it was dope,
stylish,
stylish.
So I noticed all that about him.
Do you remember what did we do?
(05:35):
I just said hi,
invited you.
Yeah,
and whatever you were sick at the time,
you were sick.
Remember remember exactly what she was wearing,
cause she had a pair of red stretch pants,
negative pink.
I'm sorry,
Pink,
I'm sorry.
She had a pair of pink,
right?
Yes.
You didn't know,
I didn't know.
I didn't know.
I did not.
That was at the school when I surprised.
No,
no,
no,
no,
you had the same ones on because you were sick,
(05:55):
you had a pink,
she had pink pair of stretch pants on and a white and off white white,
a white t shirt and a white t shirt,
but she really wasn't feeling well,
you know what I'm saying?
I could tell that,
you know,
hair pulled back or whatever,
She seemed really nice and,
and stuff like that,
you know,
energy was pretty cool and we just,
(06:16):
you know,
we just kind of vibe,
right?
We just kind of vibe,
you know?
But one thing is that she did lay on the floor in her stomach,
it was like,
look back to see whether that I was looking at her butt and stuff like that because you couldn't miss it,
but I really wasn't paying attention to it,
you know what I mean?
Like it wasn't a big deal,
you know what I mean?
I mean?
It was a big deal,
but it wasn't a big deal to me.
Um So I wasn't really worried about it,
you know what I mean?
And I just,
you know,
I just freshly cut my hair,
(06:38):
you know what I mean,
freshly had a fresh ball fade or whatever.
Big shout out to Ishmael Butler,
okay,
butterfly Diggle planet,
you know,
for teaching me how to cut really fade.
And so yeah,
I was fresh,
fresh to death.
And I remember one thing and she she she rubbed the back of my head.
I ain't never had nobody,
I never had nobody touched the back of my head,
like,
that was like,
and I was like,
she was like,
(06:59):
man,
she was like,
wow,
that's really nice.
She was like,
you mind if I touch you,
and I was like,
no,
do you mind if I touch the back of your head?
Which is exactly where was the fresh fade was right on the neck,
right?
You know when people ask you if they can touch you and they already do it,
that's exactly what she did.
So,
I mean,
she was quick,
she was quick and she went for it,
(07:20):
you know what I mean?
She went for it,
so,
I mean,
but it was,
you know what I mean,
like,
we really vibe on that day and stuff like that.
I thought she was really nice and stuff like that,
but I wasn't aggressive,
I mean,
that was part of the part of the result of some of the,
you know,
some of the trauma and things like that.
I was just really my boy d f used to call me,
used to call me Putt Putt,
He's like,
why are you so slow man?
So slow?
(07:40):
But,
you know,
I felt like at that time,
you know,
if I was giving up my body and things that I was giving up something to,
you know what I mean?
I was I was really and I always felt like that as a man and things like that.
Like,
no,
the girls not always giving up something,
I'm giving up something to,
I'm giving up something of myself and I was just really protected of it and just not comfortable,
you know,
I didn't really have notches on my belt or anything like that,
(08:02):
cause I was like,
it just didn't seem right to me,
just didn't,
you know,
and I've seen so many people in my family do it,
I was like,
okay,
this is not that serious,
I wasn't.
And I think for me,
in terms of masculinity and things like that,
that,
like,
the basics,
it just didn't roll with me.
What a healthy way to acknowledge that you didn't just have to feed into the stereotypical behaviors that get applied to men about,
(08:29):
which feels like the hyper sexuality.
It was hard.
I mean,
it was a lot of it,
but there was a lot of it was a lot of,
I mean around me and whatever school,
there was just so much stuff and it was difficult for me to navigate.
It really was difficult for me to navigate.
Um and I don't know how the hell I navigated it to be honest with you because it was a pressure.
There was a pressure of yeah,
(08:49):
you're gonna you're gonna be able to yeah,
you're gonna have sex and whatever,
like yeah,
you were dancing,
you were grinding,
you were doing all these things and I think that the one thing that kind of helped or whatever is I did have a girlfriend at the time and it was just like,
it was kind of just a safe space in some ways,
in the easy space,
what do you mean?
(09:09):
You had a girlfriend in high school,
you know what I mean?
Like?
But it was,
you know what I mean?
And it was like,
it was a good person,
it was safe,
it was comfortable in some ways,
but I really didn't have to deal with what I really needed to deal with in some ways,
it was hard to just because,
you know,
I want to do some other things,
you know,
there's other people that I wanted to try to be with and whatever,
but I just couldn't,
(09:29):
it was just too much,
it was just too much for me,
it was just too,
it was just it was too much of me,
but I am,
you know,
I am thankful in some ways that,
you know,
I did have a kind of a safe place in some ways for myself,
but it definitely was complicated for me moving forward.
It was ridiculously complicated for me moving forward.
For sure.
Moving forward from what moving forward in terms of relationships with with women and how to navigate that sexually after being abused,
(09:56):
Yes.
After being abused,
heck,
yes,
it was difficult having,
you know,
having that kind of first relationship or whatever,
like,
you didn't have anybody to talk to everybody to really talk about it or the people that did have to talk about it,
we're like,
we're like the toxic masculinity folks.
And you also were in the place of,
you know,
developmentally you're developing your identity,
(10:16):
you're developing your sexual identity and then you have these experiences that interrupt healthy sexual identity.
And then when you don't have anybody to talk to about it,
you sort of have a hard time figuring out well,
what's healthy,
right?
Exactly.
Like what?
Right?
Like,
right,
what's healthy and and stuff like that.
So it was difficult because I mean,
people from the outside,
(10:37):
people saw none of this,
you know what I mean?
People like he's cool man,
he's doing his thing and people always right.
And people just assumed I had always people have always said that,
like,
you know,
I know you've,
you know,
you've had a lot of women,
like,
we know you were a player,
right?
We know you were a player was playing no,
(10:59):
no choice,
right?
But I mean,
still,
you know,
but yeah,
like it's unbelievable.
It's unbelievable.
You know,
sometimes tell people and stuff like,
yeah,
man,
you know,
they find out you're married tag dog.
I thought you were a player.
I was like,
yeah,
I'm a player with one female.
She just wears different hats.
Anyway,
(11:19):
Anyway,
let's get back to it.
So,
um,
it turns out how we met.
So we met that night,
which was really great and phenomenal.
I didn't ask you for your number.
You came the next day to my job because you didn't ask for my number because at the custodian because you didn't ask for my number.
That was the whole problem.
Yeah,
I was working the next day.
You came,
you came to see me.
I had no choice.
My nickname was.
So,
(11:40):
um,
she came to see me and whatever.
I was dressed differently.
Of course I was in a fresh Nike suit.
Fresh frayed still was there and whatever,
she came to see me and I looked different.
She was like,
wow,
you look different.
I was like,
okay,
thanks.
And so we vibe again and stuff like that.
She was really nice and then I still didn't ask for her number.
I still didn't ask for her number and then the family friend hooked us up or whatever.
(12:01):
And then she called me and I had to get your number right from the family friend,
right.
Right.
Cause I didn't ask for it.
She called me.
I was like,
hello,
what's up?
Hey?
How you doing?
What's going on?
Why do you ask me for my number?
She didn't say hi.
She said why you wouldn't ask me for my number with that new york number?
(12:25):
I was like,
what you mean?
I didn't,
I didn't,
I didn't ask you for your number.
I was like,
she's like,
didn't you like me?
I saw you looking at my butt.
I was like,
I did not look at your butt.
I mean the world could never miss it.
But still I said I didn't look at you like that.
What you talking about?
I was like,
I'm respectful.
I ain't all about.
I ain't worried about all that.
I'm about what you,
what you got in your heart,
(12:45):
you know what I'm saying?
But you didn't ask for my number and you didn't give me your number and I had no way of contacting you.
I didn't know anything.
Right?
Okay,
So we vibe right?
And then you're like,
okay,
bye,
good night because you know,
and then nothing.
You know what though?
But I appreciated that.
You know what I mean?
I was appreciated what,
I appreciate the fact that we vibe.
It didn't mean that necessarily anything had to happen because that's the type of dude that I was.
(13:08):
But I was also respectful,
I could dance with a woman whole night at the club and be like if I didn't take but if I wasn't assertive,
what were you gonna do?
I don't know.
Right,
right.
You didn't think about it that I did not say my nickname was putt putt.
So I mean that's I mean still.
So let's move forward.
We started talking and so we talked on the phone.
(13:29):
So we we talked on the phone for like four months.
I think it was 66 months.
That's right.
We talked we talked on the phone for six months,
the next for the next Yeah,
yeah.
Every day for like six months because I was right and I was here right.
And so yeah,
that's true.
It was six months.
We talked on the phone every day.
That's how we got to know each other.
(13:49):
We talk about like courting whatever.
And I like we honestly we just talked about everything.
We talked about Michael max after which he helped me with a paper or helper with a paper like it was bananas and we just had this connection and we just talked,
you know,
we became you know friends,
you know confidants in some ways and stuff like that and you know,
and then she during the summer she came to live in Cambridge and stuff.
(14:10):
And um we uh I got to see her,
you know what I mean?
And that was that was that was by the way that was an event within itself.
By the way it was,
I was living with the family friend that introduced us and I already told you about the,
you know,
sort of,
I already told you you're a jerk.
(14:32):
Like I already told you sort of the environment that we were in,
so we're to recovering survivors and now we're in,
you know,
so to speak.
And it was just,
I mean everybody was just,
I mean the thing about it is like people just being comfortable,
you know what I mean?
(14:53):
Like I mean comfortable in ways that I was surprised about,
you know what I mean?
Even like,
I'm like,
yeah,
you know fam like whatever,
but you know,
put some clothes on like what the hell?
You know what I'm saying?
Like you know what I mean?
Like legitimately like,
like like put some clothes on,
like what is what is,
you know,
and that was the one thing to,
(15:13):
even with Roxanne and whatever.
She was comfortable with the south pair of boxers and you know,
in a white t shirt,
a pair of boxers and a white t shirt and I was like,
you ain't got a robe.
You know,
I grew up in new york in the south Bronx.
We didn't do robes.
I was like,
you did robes in your house.
Well heck yeah,
(15:33):
we did robes in the house,
that must be some middle class.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm just saying,
like,
I've never seen a robe,
I never like,
there was no robe in my house,
it was a robe,
I wasn't running around the house,
butt naked,
you know what I'm saying?
And then there's that,
I mean,
I'm just saying that I had a robe now,
(15:53):
I had one rope,
I'm just saying,
I'm just saying they had no robe,
my house,
I had one robe and we didn't live in the house,
we lived in an apartment,
so even smaller than a house,
there were no,
let's just talk about the foundation here.
I mean,
you could have used the shower curtain to some there was a hoodie in the house,
(16:16):
some right luck just keeping I'm keeping this reel.
That's reel.
Okay,
watch your mouth,
girl,
It's a family show supposedly.
That's okay,
that was gonna be this out.
But you know,
you want the kids to be able to listen to something.
I understand that it's only right.
It's not right.
No,
no,
no,
no question,
No question,
no question.
Alright,
so let's get back to it.
(16:37):
So yeah,
that was that was that was crazy.
But we I mean,
the one thing about it is that then we were inseparable,
Pretty much we were,
you know,
we were together like every single day,
but we have these But one thing that was really remember one night and how it started,
but you just skipping over stuff,
but you want to go back and saying we will go back.
I'm just saying you skipping over stuff because even though I moved up here,
(17:00):
I still had to seek you out.
You still being,
as you say putt putt,
like I literally hopped on a bus and didn't know where I was going and showed up unannounced to your house.
Like this was an event.
Like I had to really be assertive.
We didn't get there yet though.
Okay,
But see here's the thing we can talk about.
(17:21):
Here's the thing this is that was before I moved up here though.
Yeah,
but see here's the thing this story is like the story is bananas and we can probably,
we may send three or four sessions on how we met because it is that long.
It's important.
It's important to give the foundation of what we have now and what we've been working on for so long.
Not to be hokey.
(17:41):
It's important for people to understand living a triggered life.
That's what is important.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right,
right.
And so we'll continue,
we're gonna continue to,
we have some time left.
But um we're going to talk about it.
So yes,
let's go,
let's go back.
Well she,
she oh well here's what I'm sorry,
(18:01):
but there is one thing that did happen before and you're absolutely right.
There's one thing that happened before she moved up here was that we went to a party.
We went to a party and so they used to have this party over it when I was U.
Mass called jeans and t shirt party in the spring.
And so I was planning to go,
you know,
I was here in Cambridge and I thought I was gonna go.
So Roxanne uh met me there.
(18:24):
Roxanne met me and we just got the we got the five minutes.
So Roxanne Roxanne met me at the party.
Right?
And so um there's a lot of people from Cambridge there,
a lot of people there because it was,
it was incredible party that might have been like 5000 people there or something crazy.
It was crazy.
So she comes,
she comes to the party and she had a cute little set on.
(18:45):
She looked cute,
whatever,
you know.
And so yeah,
she's a cute jumper on or whatever.
Dude,
like yo,
who's that?
Because they never really seen me with,
I mean they see me with women but not really,
you know,
I was like who's that girl?
I was like don't worry about it.
So we start dancing and stuff like that.
Now I love to dance,
you know what I'm saying?
Like I'm I'm like I dance crazy like hip hop dancer,
(19:05):
like he is a phenomenal dancer.
Right?
So we start,
so we she started dancing Roxanne can't dance.
Rox Roxanne can't dance at all.
So I'm dancing circles around her like legitimately dancing circles around Roxanne,
they like pull her clothes whatever dancing circles around her blah blah blah,
(19:26):
whatever and so like,
but it was dope.
Like I was like,
she would try a little bit and stuff,
whatever.
We're trying to have fun out in the middle of dance floor and stuff like that.
It's just me dancing around her and stuff,
it was really a great time.
But um but what was significant was that we had such a great time.
She was going back to Rhode Island and she had her best friend who was with her at the time and she wanted to go home with her with her,
(19:49):
she's like you need to come home with me and I was like girl I ain't coming home with you,
I'm going on what's wrong with you think this is,
but I was you know being puppet,
I was really still protective and things like that.
So I was like,
nah,
so we're in the back of the car and whatever and she was like laying up on me and whatever and then the moment happened,
it was our first kiss and I kissed her right?
(20:10):
And it was beautiful,
like it was really like it was all juicy and you know what I'm saying?
You see but see that's what happened,
that's what happened,
that's what happened.
She got she got the goose bumps and she she shook when I kissed her and melted in my arms,
it was incredible moment.
It was really nice,
really innocent,
really beautiful and I was like whoa my head was spinning and things like that.
(20:31):
I was like wow!
But no I'm not coming home with you,
I ain't coming home with you.
And I was staying with my boy who was my boy,
my boy C.
T.
I was staying with and so I was like wow this is incredible!
I was like yo this is absolutely positively incredible.
(20:52):
That wow!
I mean it was it was incredible.
I was like wow this I think wow,
I think this is gonna be something special,
you know needless to say that was our first kiss and it was incredible moment.
She had traveled from providence to Amherst to u mass to the party which was like 3.5 hours or something ridiculous to come and see me and got her friend to come and see you know come with her to someplace she didn't know to spend time with me and we've been talking on the phone for I think at that point it was we were like four months or something like that or whatever but it was I mean but it was bananas,
(21:24):
I was like this girl traveled all this way up and I had no interaction with her,
I kissed her,
I have done nothing.
All we did was talk on the phone and she came all this way to see me because I knew who you were.
That's deep,
that's deep right there,
that's before I knew who I was,
she knew who I was,
that's crazy right there,
I mean that's I mean that that says it,
that says it right there you know and I knew there was a connection and it was growing and I started to feel a little more comfortable with her but I was still guarded in a lot of ways but I knew she was someone special and you know I was like I knew about and she was very honest about her relationship and things like that you know and so I thanked her,
(21:59):
I thanked her for that but we're gonna stop right there and we're gonna continue.
Part three of how we met this is living a triggered life podcast with Roxanne Maskell and thank you guys for listening and we'll pick it up next time from here.
You guys want to email us or anything like that.
You can go to triggered one dot com for more information.
Thank you,
thank you for listening to living a triggered like podcast with keith and Roxanne presented by the trigger project.
(22:25):
To find out more information about the trigger project.
Go to www dot triggered one dot com and remember you're no longer surviving,