Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to Living a Good Life podcast with keith and Roxanne presented by project.
Find out more information about the project,
go to www 0.1 dot com.
Alright how you guys doing uh this is Living a good Life podcast,
my name is keith Maskell and and we have been talking about the foundation of our relationship and how we met and where we were as people before and we've just been sorting through all of it.
(00:34):
We left off last time talking about how I went back and had a conversation with someone I had been with in high school and how my trauma pretty much gotten a way of actually having a really wonderful relationship and almost got in the way of our relationship to wasn't so assertive right?
(00:54):
And so that was incredibly important and we're talking about that also in the midst of Roxanne coming to to come and Holla at me and then me not having us sharing a special kiss um but me still not being aggressive with her and going back with her and then her showing up my house the next day and discovering my boy steve um she she found the bus you know his brother name,
(01:17):
keith Just finger black people,
black people like six ft skinny,
kinda cute,
he was like yeah I know that dude,
he works at the high school like I know that dude,
yeah I know I played ball with him so um but I was talking about the importance of when I started therapy and things for me to go back and that I owed it to this person.
(01:38):
You want to identify them or no.
Yeah.
I won't say the last name.
But yeah,
there's not a problem.
But it was important for me to talk to Renee and let her know that basically that my trauma gotten away from allowing me to love her in the same way that she loved me or me telling her that or figuring out how to get through all these thoughts and all this other stuff that was going on.
(01:58):
My parents were getting divorced.
Like all this stuff I was confused about what it meant to be a man to be a young man.
I was just completely just didn't I just just confused in so many ways.
And so I wanted her to know that I wanted to know that also disclosed and let her know what was going on with me.
So she would understand but also that her being so vulnerable at that time that I appreciated it.
(02:20):
And so this was a conversation that happened three years ago with her and you have reconnected through social media.
And then because you were in therapy,
you decided to call just randomly call her up and say basically apologize.
Yeah.
We were on like a messenger and things like that.
(02:40):
And then I was like,
I need to talk to you.
You know what I mean?
And so you know,
we still have,
we still keep in contact and things like that because she's a she's a wonderful person.
She's a wonderful,
wonderful,
wonderful person.
And you know,
now we're friends,
you know what I mean?
Which is which is really good,
but I but I owed that to her.
What was her reaction to you wanting to talk to her and you telling her you basically saying to her what happened back then was not about you,
(03:07):
it was about me and I wasn't rejecting you.
I just didn't know how to manage what you are putting on the table.
How did she react to you wanting to talk about it?
She um she was definitely emotional about it and you know,
I definitely brought her back and definitely was something that had stuck in that was stuck with her,
you know what I mean?
That stuck with her because I never really got to talk to her.
(03:29):
However,
this is a side note story that I had tried to make an effort to see her and we were supposed to have dinner together to go to her house.
And when was that?
This was when I was uh I had left was after high school.
So wait a minute.
So this experience happened in high school.
What grade were you all in?
Like 10th grade,
11th grade,
10th grade.
So and then you sort of withdrawn apart after you didn't show up for,
(03:54):
you know where she was at,
You didn't meet her in the place she was at and then you're supposed to have dinner with her to have dinner when I was before I met you might have been before.
Yeah,
I think it might have been before,
I was like,
right before I met you or something like that,
would have been after you graduated from high school?
Yes,
like second your first year in college,
something like that or whatever.
And I was like,
we were like,
we're gonna we're gonna hook up,
(04:15):
you know me and you?
And I was like,
yes,
because you know what,
I'm gonna tell her the truth,
I'm gonna tell her and be like girl And stuff like that.
So we're supposed to we're supposed to hook up and and she had lived,
she probably lived 20 minutes from my house and I was like,
oh,
let me get on my bike and was always fixing bikes and blah,
blah,
blah,
whatever.
So I got on the bike and it's one of those old style racing one bikes when you like,
(04:38):
you lean over,
okay,
I know it's important.
It's important because I had one of them because it was one of those ones you lean over and I had the two breaks and on the bottom of the handlebars and so one of them was broken,
one of the breaks,
one of the breaks was broken,
so it was loose and so I had it in my hand,
right?
And I was like,
(04:59):
I just faded myself up with a fresh part,
like I was ready to go.
I was like,
oh my God,
I'm finally going to tell Renee what situation.
And so I didn't get,
I got out of my driveway and less than two seconds from my house,
right,
I was flying down the street.
I dropped the damn break that was in my hand,
it goes in the front,
(05:20):
spoke and I fly over the handlebars and I'm like,
oh my God,
are you kidding me?
And I fall?
And I'm like,
all right,
I'm like,
okay,
I think I'm okay.
I fall off the bike over the handlebars.
No,
I didn't hit my head.
You thought I was him?
I didn't.
I broke my fall.
(05:40):
Like,
I was like,
oh my God,
yes.
I was like,
I felt I'm gonna be okay to go see rene,
don't you know that the break was attached to a cable and it's like,
it fell out the sky and hit me right in my head and cut me open.
Wait,
you didn't hit your head,
But the break bop bop me on my daggone head.
(06:05):
And so nobody was home,
right?
So pretty much I was in my house.
So I had to like,
wobble back up and I called Renee and I said Renee,
I need you to come take me to the hospital.
So Renee took me to the hospital and I got stitches and they cut part of my father when I was upset,
my box was piste off.
(06:26):
And so,
right,
so we get back in the car and whatever she's talking about what she's going to get for dinner and things like that,
and I'm like,
so we still going to your house,
right?
And of course,
when they looked at me like I was crazy,
it was like,
no,
I'm taking a little behind and get a little skinny behind home.
I was like,
what you mean,
I'm okay?
(06:46):
And she was like,
no,
you're not.
She was like,
negro you in shock,
You were in shock.
And I was I was just shocked.
I was a complete mess,
but I couldn't believe it because I was like,
here she was and she was looking so beautiful that night,
like,
oh my God,
and so it didn't happen then.
(07:08):
And so that was one thing I end up telling her that story as well when I was talking to her,
I was like,
look,
I was trying to talk to you before,
but I fell on my head up and it kind of messed everything up.
So that's just the size.
That's a really good story.
That was just the side that's the side story,
big shout out to Renee,
(07:30):
you know,
I got much love for you and she was really great,
just incredibly supportive as well.
Like,
we go back,
you got to go back to when you had when you were having a conversation with her,
how did she respond to you when you told her everything and what happened?
Oh she was I mean she was emotional,
she was like,
oh my God,
like why didn't you tell me what she would tell me?
(07:52):
I would have you know,
like I would have tried to help you,
like I can't believe that you were going through that by yourself.
Like I would have rolled with you through it,
you know what I'm saying?
She's like,
I would have wrote would have rolled with you with that,
I would have took care of you,
you know,
because that's the type of person that the type of person she is,
she's sweet in that way.
And so yeah,
(08:12):
she was just really compassionate and caring,
but to be honest with the type of person she is,
I wouldn't expect anything,
I didn't know what was gonna happen,
but I was like,
wow,
she is still just incredible and then,
you know,
it's not like she wanted and she did ask me some questions and and things like that that that she had,
but it was a good conversation.
We talked for like two hours,
at least at least two,
(08:32):
at least two hours about it,
but she was great,
she was really great,
really,
really understanding and I'm glad that I did that.
Really,
really,
really,
really glad that that that I did,
that must have really helped her a lot and healed something that was just sort of sitting there in her heart.
Yeah,
no it was because I mean when she talked about and things like that,
(08:53):
I was like whoa like this is you know this was I can only imagine what it's like to be to completely put yourself out there definitely at such a young age completely,
you know because you're feeling and you're seeing exactly what you think you're seeing,
right?
And then it's like you missed something when it doesn't happen and at that time in high school you had been violated.
(09:14):
The two experiences had happened,
right?
Mhm.
Yeah and it was just trying to figure out how to kind of deal with that and you didn't tell anybody no one.
Um at that time uh I believe I talked about a little bit with D.
F.
D.
F.
I think I had a little a little,
I had talked about it a little bit,
that was your best one of your best friends,
(09:36):
that was my that was my road dog,
that's my road dog,
always being a road dog.
So yeah I haven't talked about it and I haven't really talked about it that that much.
I think one of the things that's interesting to think about is how this trauma that we have experienced each of us in our own way,
how damaging it is to our relationships with people.
(09:59):
Yeah I know it's a big thing and I think you know what we I want to bring us back and I think that's,
you know,
I think that's an important point,
We don't bring us back to the story and things like that,
but that's that's incredibly important because our relationships,
it affects our relationships with regular people in general,
not just the fact that folks that we're trying to be intimate with,
but in a lot of ways,
any time that we open up to be friends with someone,
(10:22):
it is intimate in some ways because we have been violated or hurt.
And there's vulnerabilities when you're in a relationship with anybody.
And that's one thing that,
again,
that I think people glaze over,
like you don't have to be intimate with that person in order for you to feel vulnerable or to sort of have all unresolved feelings about feeling rejected or what kind of what your relationship is or even your perspective of your relationship with somebody or friendship,
(10:53):
Right?
I think,
you know what though,
I think one of the things that I've been thinking about lately is how I walk into spaces,
how am I feeling walking in space is I can walk into spaces not confident or extra emotional,
but sometimes we just feel that way and how sensitive I am to everything about everything that's around and how the messages are always negative or in my mind that they're always negative,
(11:15):
you know what,
you know what I'm saying like.
And so I've been making a concerted effort,
you know,
as I walk these streets and I walk into some spaces where where there's not that many black males that look like me or in just in some situation where there are black males that look like me to make sure that I'm good.
You just mean there's not a lot of black males.
You keep saying that look like me,
(11:36):
but don't,
I'm not saying you all look alike,
but you just identifying that you'll see a lot of black and brown.
Yeah,
sometimes in certain situations I got to make sure that,
you know what I mean?
I got to make sure that I'm good,
you know,
because,
and that's one thing that I've just been telling myself,
you know,
and it's been incredibly helpful as of late to like,
you know,
I'm okay,
you know what I mean?
(11:56):
So I'm not looking at all the small little things that happened and whatever,
but there's a context for that.
You went to a school where there weren't many black and brown boys.
Um,
that's not the case necessarily.
We had no,
we have some folks that was my people's high school,
no prior.
We have some people,
but there's always situations,
I mean,
living in the city,
(12:16):
there's gonna be certain times just like everybody as you continue to move to the world of certain,
some people experience that some people don't,
but up here,
you definitely experienced,
you know,
at certain times when,
you know,
you're in some situations where there's not many folks that look like you sometimes,
you know,
but I think just in general walking into spaces and trying to make sure that I'm grounding myself in spaces and feeling like making a concerted effort to ground myself and then you know,
(12:39):
being able to flow through,
you know?
But let's get back to the story.
Let's bring it back to the story.
That was really that was really cool.
And we'll talk more about,
you know,
relationships with people and family and and and and and stuff like that.
But let's get back to let's get back to me and you,
let's get back,
let's get back.
Let's get back to,
let's get back to me in our story,
(13:02):
we're talking,
You just said steve,
you put a rose in my rose on my bed.
I didn't know it yet.
It was yeah,
it was Black Brown Cambridge Bachelor Bachelor.
You know,
I had to have that show on tv.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
So she put on my bed and so I ended up coming home the next day or whatever and I was like went into my room and I was like because she didn't tell me what it was.
(13:24):
My father,
my father just had a smile on his face when he saw me.
He was like like like,
hey man,
she got some nice moves,
you know,
like that's how you know,
like that's how he looked at me and stuff like that and you know,
I was like,
like a little objectification from your future father and I was like,
(13:44):
yo man,
like really just let it be,
you know,
and I couldn't believe it,
I went to my room and it was a rose on my bed and I was like,
man,
this girl,
is she as sweet as heck,
ain't she?
My God just drove 3000 miles and a rose on my bed,
This is this is something serious.
I was like this is pretty cool.
And so I remember I called her,
you know,
to say thank you and and things like that and we continued the courting pretty much because we were just talking on the phone,
(14:07):
you know,
I was in school doing stuff,
she was in school,
we just kept things going,
you know,
we just really,
really kept it going,
we clicked,
you know,
and I really,
and the thing about it,
I knew that she was in a relationship and things like that and I was like,
you know,
like we're not gonna,
we're not gonna find what's going on here.
And she was incredibly,
the thing about it is,
is we kind of made a pact in some ways and we were like,
(14:30):
well I was like,
look,
I'm never gonna have you not be who you are always,
you're gonna be this firecracker from the,
from the Bronx and that's who you are,
I'm never going to silence you,
I'm never going to get in the way of anything that you want to do,
you know,
you're never going to say a man got in the way of your goals.
My expectation of you is for you to tell me to be 100% as honest as much as you can.
(14:52):
I felt like I couldn't ask any more of her than that and that she couldn't ask any more than me of that and that was one thing I felt like it was incredibly important to us was that we could be as honest as we could,
right?
And I think that was really important to our relationship.
We were honestly straight up friends,
you know,
she loved me,
there was no question about that,
(15:13):
right?
Okay,
I just had to make sure you know what I mean?
And I,
you know,
I was definitely in love with her,
but there were certain still boundaries,
still some boundaries with that,
that it was kind of grown up in some ways,
you know what I mean?
Like you're still in a relationship,
you're still kind of with your dude,
but we're kind of together,
but you know what,
I'm not gonna ask him any questions.
(15:34):
Yeah,
yeah,
that's before,
that's before you moved up here and stuff like that and that was,
I mean that was the thing about it,
like there was a certain free nous with it.
Well,
I mean,
yes,
I was still in somewhat of an emotional relationship with some sex but it was destructive.
It was a very destructive relationship at that point,
(15:58):
right?
But I mean the other thing about the other thing about Roxanne which made her really fun is that she would just talk a whole bunch of a whole bunch of shit.
Roxanne was just talk a whole bunch of like that was the one thing that what made you think of that just because of what you just said.
It just made me think about like you act like you oh nice.
(16:20):
It's not like she wasn't nice but but she was definitely,
she would just talk I mean she just talked just so much junk like you know you who you think you are,
you ain't nobody and stuff like that,
you know I'm sorry the famous line was your penis and go that was the famous line like girl come here I wanna talk to you,
(16:42):
wow your penis and go like that was the answer.
Like that was the answer for everything.
Hey rock saying what your penis and go like that was the answer and I would just go to go to all the time but you can't say that about that right?
Right,
(17:02):
go,
go go go right,
like that was you know like that was that was one of the things I like who you think you are,
you ain't nobody like that and like she used to pop off like that and like that she was kind of playful but that was just actually really her emotional outburst,
right?
That was Roxanne's emotional outburst.
(17:24):
How she would back people up.
Roxy can make somebody think that she was the toughest,
roughest,
low down,
dirtiest person from the Bronx.
And when she spoke and was like who you talking to?
What?
Don't make me come and people would just be like oh I want,
you know what I'm saying,
when you get someone who can back you up with less than a couple of seconds or use M.
(17:47):
F.
You know that was her thing,
but she was but you know that's part of living life to that's that's like that is you have to survive,
you don't survive,
you're going to get eaten alive.
That was part of my survival.
She was back and forth.
She was like what?
(18:08):
Like I'm sorry,
yes,
so we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna stop here,
we're gonna stop here.
Um and we'll pick it up here,
you've been listening to living a triggered life podcast with keith and we're gonna get into a little bit more about how we met etcetera etcetera etcetera.
Thank you guys,
thank you for listening to living a good life podcast with keith presented by the project to find out more information about the trigger project,
(18:37):
go to www dot triggered one dot com and remember you're no longer surviving.