January 8, 2021 • 21 mins
We are back, and the intention for 2021 is to have regular weekly episodes. Finally!
In this week's episode, we discuss how you can easily increase your happiness by spending less energy on decision making! Stop deliberating whether you should listen to this episode or not! Just listen already.
NOTE: I apologize for calling Dr. Barry Schwartz's book not bit is title (The Paradox of Choice) but by its sub-title (More is Less). I guess the subtitle stuck with me more than the title!
Things talked about in the episode:
- The Paradox of Choice by Dr. Barry Schwartz
- Parkinson's Law
- Pareto Principle
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Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Matt Boettger (00:00):
Have you ever been to a restaurant with a
friend or a spouse or a partner,and maybe you're ready to put in
the order, but the person infront of you is taking for
forever to decide on what he orshe wants, or maybe that's you,
you spend five, 10, 15 minutesmulling over the menu in
(00:22):
distress, finally, to picksomething and then.
To eat it and be utterlydissatisfied.
What an absolute bummer.
Well, today we're gonna talkabout the Christmas effect and
how this one mistake leads to.
An enormous amount ofdissatisfaction in our own
(00:42):
lives.
So let's get going.
Are you living the most reallife possible?
I ask myself this question allthe time.
Most of the time, the answer isI just don't know, but sometimes
the answer is definitely not.
This is why I have this podcast.
(01:03):
I'm Matt Boettger and welcome tothe show.
Two small things.
If you get a chance, pleaseleave a review like on Apple
podcasts and also check out mywebsite, live in the real.com
where I offer lots of resourceson how to live the most real
life possible.
Now on with the show.
So I remember a time where Iused to actually go to stores.
(01:24):
Now it's been forever because oflockdowns and the pandemic.
And just most of the stuff weorder is online, but there was a
time that I walked in the mall.
I walked through shops and I'm amember and encountering this one
particular moment where I waswalking before Halloween, before
Halloween and seeing a beautifulChristmas tree.
(01:47):
In this display window at a kindof an, of a high-end retailer.
And I couldn't believe it was,it wasn't even Halloween.
I want to talk about thisChristmas effect now.
I don't know if it just happenedto me.
And this year is different being2020.
Now 2021.
This Christmas was reallyfundamentally different, but
this isn't the only time I'vefelt this before I have a
(02:09):
feeling you felt the same thing.
And that is that we revourselves up for Christmas.
For those of us who celebrateChristmas or Hanukkah, whatever
holiday we, we prepare for inthe winter in December.
And we start, maybe it wasOctober, but at least November,
you're anticipating it.
You're getting revved up.
You're buying presents yourbuying ornaments.
(02:29):
You're doing all these things.
You may even put up yourChristmas tree already.
And then all of November hitsall of December and it gets more
and more, the expectation growsand grows and grows.
And then Christmas Ms.
Lands has like cricketssometimes.
And ultimately you leave yourleaves, you feeling a little
dissatisfied.
(02:50):
And then of course, six monthslater you had the memory of
Christmas and it's awesome.
It's really interesting how wego into these phases.
I'm going to talk about this iseffect that we get from
Christmas, and it's reallybecause of this long
anticipation and preparationexpectation that puts so much
responsibility for oursatisfaction in Christmas, that
it leads to just bursting ourholiday bubble.
(03:12):
This is an example of how weencounter life.
That, how we address life thatwe spend so much energy
preparing for something, mullingit over, ruminating over it,
trying to factor in all thedecisions that we finally make a
decision we're ultimatelydissatisfied, disheartened, sad,
(03:34):
maybe even remorseful.
There's this great book by Dr.
Barry Schwartz.
I want you to check it out.
It's called more as less.
It's about decision-making.
And one part of the book, hetalks about these three types of
utility, and we see this in theChristmas effect.
There's the expectation utility.
There is the experience utilityand there's the memory utility.
(03:56):
And now the Christmas is a greatexample of the expectation.
Utility can get out of control.
We start as early as Octoberbecause we just want Christmas
to happen.
We're gearing up in November.
We fly through Thanksgiving andwe intern December really
excited.
And then when Christmas comes,we yes, have a wonderful time,
but we feel a big level ofdissatisfaction.
(04:18):
Of course, unless you're alittle kiddo like my son's owner
or enamored by the mystery.
Of Christmas, which isbeautiful.
Now I get it.
This Chris was different.
There was even moredissatisfaction, more let down
for those of us who go to churchand Christians the opportunity
to go to church probably wasn'tthere for many of us.
So that part of it wasn't there,which left us sad.
(04:40):
And then there's friends andfamily that we normally have
over to celebrate Christmas withwho just aren't with us at the
table.
And so we are sad.
But this is not the only year Ihave felt this and this is not
the only year I've heard otherpeople feel this as well.
It's not because of Christmas.
It's because of the enormousamount of time we spend
preparing for Christmas, thatleaves us always a little bit
(05:03):
frustrated, stressed,dissatisfied.
And this is a lesson about life.
This idea of trying not to.
Spend so much energy on thedecisions that we need to make
in our lives that don't make alife-changing result.
(05:24):
It isn't important for us tospend three months ruminating or
researching or trying to findthe best rug and less that
pursuit itself gives you anenormous amount of joy.
If there's one thing that is forcertain.
That is the more work we putinto something, the more
(05:46):
expectation utility we build up.
And of course this furthers thegap between the expectation and
the potential experience thatwe're about to have.
And oftentimes the experiencelets us down and then we don't
feel happy.
We don't feel fulfilled.
And so what I want to encourageyou as first and foremost, not
(06:07):
to lower your expectations.
I don't want you to pursue alife of mediocrity.
That's what I'm asking you todo.
Rather lowering the amount ofenergy you need to put into
something to obtain the reward.
That's the important part.
It's about working smarter withour own life, knowing that we
have a finite amount ofresources and that every yes is
(06:28):
a no and every, no is a yes.
And th there is always going tobe a sacrifice, everything that
we do.
And it's okay.
I'm not asking you to makedecisions rationally either.
Like, okay.
All right.
Here's a handful of girls in mylife.
I'm going to put them in a hatand pick one out and there I go.
That's the girl for me.
That's not what I'm remotely,what I'm trying to communicate.
(06:50):
I'm not trying to communicate,being lazy.
Right.
Trying to lower the bar.
Let's just do things the easyway.
What I want you to be asresourceful.
I want you to cultivate a deepersense of self-awareness so that
you have the ability to makedecisions with, with less
energy.
You know, we call this in somecircles, virtue, virtue is a
(07:12):
habitual decision towards thegood it's about doing something
good in your life in a way thatdoesn't require much energy
because you built up somethingin your own.
Being your own soul that allowsyou to make good decisions
automatically, man, I know thatreally well, but now with
virtue, but with advice, man, ifthere's a donut in the room, I
(07:33):
am like gravitational force tothat donut and it's gone and
like two bites, right?
That is my vice.
I have a habitual disposition toeat a donut.
Right.
But I want, I want the opposite.
I want that Ford something goodin my life.
It's about being more of whatDr.
Schwartz calls being asatisfizer rather than a
(07:54):
maximizer.
When it comes to decisionmaking, he splits these two
camps and it's the maximizerswere oftentimes disfat
dissatisfied and unhappy withlife.
Do you resonate with that, thatyou just want to make things
perfect so badly and you'llspend all this time and energy
(08:14):
and resources to get it only tobe unfulfilled, dissatisfied,
disheartened, saddened, andremorseful about the decisions
you made, what I'm encouragingyou to do and myself to do this
2021 is be more like a satisfiesher.
(08:35):
Be satisfied with life, not bemediocre.
I want you to work your buttoff, but I want you to work
smart.
I don't want you to be exhaustedand full of negative energy.
I want you to work in such a waythat it brings fulfillment into
your life.
(08:56):
And it's not by being amaximizer by trying to get and
squeeze the most life juicepossible out of your own life.
That is not how we're going tolive life.
Because even that imagery, whatdid that show it's about
squeezing, right?
White knuckling, your fists,getting everything out of life.
And another thing I've learnedover my years, and this is a big
(09:17):
statement, right?
That the protagonist of allhuman history of history is a
story.
The good person.
The good person, the best personis the beggar.
That is what it means to behuman, not to clench right with
our fists and try to grab andgrasp everything in our life,
but to have our hands open upand surrender and receive life
(09:40):
as a gift.
as something to be treated as afragile and wonderful thing by
which is a gift given to me.
I don't want to use thatopportunity wisely with my
finite energy and a maximizer.
Doesn't have that imagery intheir mind.
It's about grasping and grabbingand maximizing, and it doesn't
bring happiness and it reallydoesn't bring success.
(10:01):
And it's very short termexhausted, right?
I'm not in this kind of vein ofthe hustle is a real thing that
you need to hustle your way tosuccess.
That's ridiculous.
Elon Musk.
Wow, huge successful.
I bet he could have made it withway less energy expenditure and
exhaustion and a betterrelationships in his life and
(10:21):
better health.
This idea of working your buttoff for success is ridiculous.
It's about working in a smartway.
If there's one thing you
cultivate
it's margin your life to have more space.
Why is it so important?
The context of this conversationI mentioned earlier that this is
not about being lazy.
About extending more energy orless energy in making decisions.
(10:45):
It's about focusing rather ontrying to make the best decision
and more about cultivatingself-awareness to know who you
are, you are and what type ofperson you are and what type of
decisions you make.
Oftentimes times we don't evenhave that.
We can't even bring that to thegame.
And so it's so hard for us tomake a decision because we don't
know what type of person we are.
(11:06):
And it's that margin, thatspace, that time to be alone,
time to really date ourselves,to know ourselves that we
cultivate a greater sense ofself-awareness.
We can begin to make betterdecisions.
With less energy, ultimatelyleading us to be much happier
(11:27):
and fulfilled.
I want to talk about some of thedangers of being a maximizer.
If you are.
Here's some of them just tothink about, I seen this in my
life and the friends around me,they spend a disproportionate
amount of time trying to make adecision.
They'll provide marginal valuein their life.
We talk about that gap betweenthe expectation experience and
(11:48):
every single time, every once ina while bone.
And they like what they decideon, but most always they're
dissatisfied, but it gets worse.
I'll talk about this in just asecond.
Right.
They're uncomfortable withuncertainty, and this is why he
keeps looking over everypossible detail to rule every
stone because the uncertainty isjust too frightening, but in
(12:11):
certainty is the most wonderfulplace to be, because that is
where self discovery is.
I
have learned to embrace uncertainty.
I'm not great at it, but Iembrace it because I've realized
when I put myself out there likethis podcast, sometimes I might
do just a little bitpreparation, but I put myself
out there because.
I know it's important for me.
I want to provide value to you.
(12:33):
And it also helps me to learnmore about myself as well.
So I embrace uncertainty desireto make decisions with no
sacrifice involved.
And so we end up losingeverything.
It's a hard thing formaximizers.
They don't want a sacrifice,anything they want to have.
They're kicking it too.
And oftentimes they lose both.
(12:53):
It's self-defeating you spend somuch time.
The you begin looking at whatother people are saying about
the options available for you.
I see this over and over thesatisfiers often make their
decisions generally, becausethat's what they want.
That's the desire.
That's what they believe.
That's what they think.
(13:14):
That's the value.
These are the principles theystand by.
But in the other world, themaximizers oftentimes is not the
case.
They want to make the bestdecision.
And they end up making thedecisions on behalf of others.
They just can't take it.
It's too overwhelming.
What do you think?
What would you choose?
What do you want?
(13:35):
What would the, what would theywant?
And then making decisions fromother people's desires?
It's not, we want, of coursewe'll be dissatisfied, but
here's the big thing I mentionedto put a bookmark on.
It's really important.
So many maximizers spend so muchdisproportionate amount of time
mulling over something.
And then they finally decided,now this is done by Barry
(13:58):
Schwartz as well.
This research, the study done ondecision-making and what happens
just after the decision to,after we make a decision, if
someone asks you or me, Hey, whydid you make that decision?
The first answers that we kindof drum up are the more
superficial ones.
It's not that that we made adecision off a superficial
(14:20):
reasons.
It's just, that's the firstthing that we just end up
saying.
So here's the problem that whenyou are a maximizer and you
spend so much time relentlesslytrying to make the best decision
on which scarf, right?
Which car, which, whatever it isthat you want.
(14:42):
And then you decide in the nearass or even ask yourself, why
did I decide that you will startwith the most superficial
decisions?
And then immediately has the, asa study had shown that they gave
their superficial reasons.
They immediately began to regretthat their decision, this is not
a pathway to fulfillment.
(15:03):
This is not a pathway tohappiness.
And if you are a maximizer, talkabout all the more hurt.
Not only are you going to feelregret, but realize that you
wasted so much of your time foranother quote, bad decision that
turns into remorse, remorseturns into a deeper sense of
(15:25):
rumination and down the road ofunhappiness.
It's not that they made thedecision off poor reasons.
It just didn't come to mind atfirst.
I'll stand it.
Doesn't.
We slowly become more and moreunhappy.
So what's the answer.
How do we get over this?
How do we begin to practice insuch a way that we do live a
(15:48):
more fulfilling life?
Whether you're a maximizer or asatisfies her, you could take a
lot from this episode.
I know, I sure am.
As I've began to do research andlook at this and the things that
I want to put in place in my ownlife to help me enjoy life and
enjoy it to the fullest.
Right.
Live the most real lifepossible.
(16:08):
First of all, you got to knowthat every decision is saying no
to something and it's okay thathaving are kicking it too.
It's an impossible dream.
We've got to let it go.
We lose everything.
The second thing is allowing theexperience of growth in
uncertainty to shape us and helpus become who we want to be over
(16:31):
and over and over.
We've seen those who havesuffered a lot, oftentimes are
the greatest influencers and theones who know themselves most
deeply in sincerely andvulnerably.
And had an enormous amount ofjoy that radiates from their
face.
Why is that?
(16:52):
Because
it is in these times with certainty that we are
shaped and cultivated intosomething that's bigger than
ourselves on our own.
I want that for you.
So here's your practicum, here'syour homework for the next week?
I want you to reduce the amountof time it takes you to do
something by 50%.
(17:12):
A non life altering activity.
These do not reduce the time.
It takes you to administer alife-sustaining drug, right?
That's not what I'm asking youto do.
It's not about going faster.
Start working smarter, live thesatisfies her mentality for a
day.
So I want you to choosesomething to reduce your time.
(17:34):
You know, I, haven't a perfectexample of this that happened
about two months ago.
I was working with a client in abusiness, small business, and
this individual had not postedon Instagram for a couple of
months.
Now you're probably thinkingthis is ridiculous, but this was
her business.
And she just started at ninemonths ago, it had grown
incredibly quickly makingnothing to five,$10,000 a month.
(17:57):
And her Instagram went from zeroto 12,000 followers in just a
handful of months.
And now she hasn't done anythingin two months.
I asked her why, and she saysjust, it takes so much time.
So I encourage her like look forthe next seven days, which
you're gonna do.
You're gonna do five posts.
You're going to set a timer.
The first one, you have 30minutes to do it.
The second one 20, the third one15, the fourth, one 10.
(18:19):
And the last one for the week,you have five minutes to post
it.
I want you to see how you feelabout this and look at the
response you get from those whoare subscribed to Instagram.
She did it.
What was the result?
She came alive.
She was so happy.
Went from 12,000 to 14,400 in amatter of days, what a huge
(18:41):
encouragement to her.
And she hasn't stopped since.
And I want you to have that samereality.
We get paralyzed because wethink that's gonna take so much
time.
But we need to put a cap on ourtime so we can be a value to
ourselves into the world.
Have you ever heard ofParkinson's law, the work
expands.
So as to fill the time availablefor its completion, other words,
(19:01):
if you give yourself four hoursto do something, you're going to
take the full four hours.
If you give yourself one hour todo it, you'll do it in one hour.
So do me a favor and startsetting a timer on those things
that are occupying too muchspace in your dang life.
That's not giving you the joyyou want and shrink that down,
not work faster, work smarter,use a Pareto Principle, the
(19:25):
80/20 rule that 20% of youreffort, gets 80% of the reward.
Don't be sitting on yourwebsite, just constantly trying
to figure out what the perfectfont is for three days.
It's gonna provide no value toyour readers whatsoever.
So I want you to live the mostfulfilled life possible.
Be satisfied, embraceuncertainty, fill that gap
between the expectation and theexperience which we always have
(19:48):
with Goodwill.
Right?
I want you to live a fulfilledlife when we fill it with
suspicion, it does not lead tofulfillment, work hard, but
expect less by reducing theamount of time it takes you to
do the things that do not giveyou joy.
And are not life criticalConclusion.
(20:10):
find one thing this week andI'll make it smaller for you.
Find one thing this week thatdoes not give you joy and reduce
the amount of time you take todo it by 30% second, find
something that does give you joyand increase that joy by
reducing the time it takes foryou to obtain it by at least
30%.
(20:30):
Going back to that restaurantexample.
Maybe just go to restaurant,pick something spontaneously and
enjoy the journey.
Okay.
That's it that sums this episodeup.
I hope you have a wonderful weekand we'll see you next week.
Take care and bye-bye THank youfor listening to this episode of
living the real.
If you want to check out moreinformation, go to
(20:51):
livingthereal.com and sign upfor my newsletter.
If you want to support thispodcast, you do that at
patreon.com/ltr as well as onetime payments at Venmo and
PayPal in the show notes.
See you all next episode, takecare.
Bye-bye.
Have you ever been to a restaurant with a
friend or a spouse or a partner,and maybe you're ready to put in
the order, but the person infront of you is taking for
forever to decide on what he orshe wants, or maybe that's you,
you spend five, 10, 15 minutesmulling over the menu in
(00:22):
distress, finally, to picksomething and then.
To eat it and be utterlydissatisfied.
What an absolute bummer.
Well, today we're gonna talkabout the Christmas effect and
how this one mistake leads to.
An enormous amount ofdissatisfaction in our own
(00:42):
lives.
So let's get going.
Are you living the most reallife possible?
I ask myself this question allthe time.
Most of the time, the answer isI just don't know, but sometimes
the answer is definitely not.
This is why I have this podcast.
(01:03):
I'm Matt Boettger and welcome tothe show.
Two small things.
If you get a chance, pleaseleave a review like on Apple
podcasts and also check out mywebsite, live in the real.com
where I offer lots of resourceson how to live the most real
life possible.
Now on with the show.
So I remember a time where Iused to actually go to stores.
(01:24):
Now it's been forever because oflockdowns and the pandemic.
And just most of the stuff weorder is online, but there was a
time that I walked in the mall.
I walked through shops and I'm amember and encountering this one
particular moment where I waswalking before Halloween, before
Halloween and seeing a beautifulChristmas tree.
(01:47):
In this display window at a kindof an, of a high-end retailer.
And I couldn't believe it was,it wasn't even Halloween.
I want to talk about thisChristmas effect now.
I don't know if it just happenedto me.
And this year is different being2020.
Now 2021.
This Christmas was reallyfundamentally different, but
this isn't the only time I'vefelt this before I have a
(02:09):
feeling you felt the same thing.
And that is that we revourselves up for Christmas.
For those of us who celebrateChristmas or Hanukkah, whatever
holiday we, we prepare for inthe winter in December.
And we start, maybe it wasOctober, but at least November,
you're anticipating it.
You're getting revved up.
You're buying presents yourbuying ornaments.
(02:29):
You're doing all these things.
You may even put up yourChristmas tree already.
And then all of November hitsall of December and it gets more
and more, the expectation growsand grows and grows.
And then Christmas Ms.
Lands has like cricketssometimes.
And ultimately you leave yourleaves, you feeling a little
dissatisfied.
(02:50):
And then of course, six monthslater you had the memory of
Christmas and it's awesome.
It's really interesting how wego into these phases.
I'm going to talk about this iseffect that we get from
Christmas, and it's reallybecause of this long
anticipation and preparationexpectation that puts so much
responsibility for oursatisfaction in Christmas, that
it leads to just bursting ourholiday bubble.
(03:12):
This is an example of how weencounter life.
That, how we address life thatwe spend so much energy
preparing for something, mullingit over, ruminating over it,
trying to factor in all thedecisions that we finally make a
decision we're ultimatelydissatisfied, disheartened, sad,
(03:34):
maybe even remorseful.
There's this great book by Dr.
Barry Schwartz.
I want you to check it out.
It's called more as less.
It's about decision-making.
And one part of the book, hetalks about these three types of
utility, and we see this in theChristmas effect.
There's the expectation utility.
There is the experience utilityand there's the memory utility.
(03:56):
And now the Christmas is a greatexample of the expectation.
Utility can get out of control.
We start as early as Octoberbecause we just want Christmas
to happen.
We're gearing up in November.
We fly through Thanksgiving andwe intern December really
excited.
And then when Christmas comes,we yes, have a wonderful time,
but we feel a big level ofdissatisfaction.
(04:18):
Of course, unless you're alittle kiddo like my son's owner
or enamored by the mystery.
Of Christmas, which isbeautiful.
Now I get it.
This Chris was different.
There was even moredissatisfaction, more let down
for those of us who go to churchand Christians the opportunity
to go to church probably wasn'tthere for many of us.
So that part of it wasn't there,which left us sad.
(04:40):
And then there's friends andfamily that we normally have
over to celebrate Christmas withwho just aren't with us at the
table.
And so we are sad.
But this is not the only year Ihave felt this and this is not
the only year I've heard otherpeople feel this as well.
It's not because of Christmas.
It's because of the enormousamount of time we spend
preparing for Christmas, thatleaves us always a little bit
(05:03):
frustrated, stressed,dissatisfied.
And this is a lesson about life.
This idea of trying not to.
Spend so much energy on thedecisions that we need to make
in our lives that don't make alife-changing result.
(05:24):
It isn't important for us tospend three months ruminating or
researching or trying to findthe best rug and less that
pursuit itself gives you anenormous amount of joy.
If there's one thing that is forcertain.
That is the more work we putinto something, the more
(05:46):
expectation utility we build up.
And of course this furthers thegap between the expectation and
the potential experience thatwe're about to have.
And oftentimes the experiencelets us down and then we don't
feel happy.
We don't feel fulfilled.
And so what I want to encourageyou as first and foremost, not
(06:07):
to lower your expectations.
I don't want you to pursue alife of mediocrity.
That's what I'm asking you todo.
Rather lowering the amount ofenergy you need to put into
something to obtain the reward.
That's the important part.
It's about working smarter withour own life, knowing that we
have a finite amount ofresources and that every yes is
(06:28):
a no and every, no is a yes.
And th there is always going tobe a sacrifice, everything that
we do.
And it's okay.
I'm not asking you to makedecisions rationally either.
Like, okay.
All right.
Here's a handful of girls in mylife.
I'm going to put them in a hatand pick one out and there I go.
That's the girl for me.
That's not what I'm remotely,what I'm trying to communicate.
(06:50):
I'm not trying to communicate,being lazy.
Right.
Trying to lower the bar.
Let's just do things the easyway.
What I want you to be asresourceful.
I want you to cultivate a deepersense of self-awareness so that
you have the ability to makedecisions with, with less
energy.
You know, we call this in somecircles, virtue, virtue is a
(07:12):
habitual decision towards thegood it's about doing something
good in your life in a way thatdoesn't require much energy
because you built up somethingin your own.
Being your own soul that allowsyou to make good decisions
automatically, man, I know thatreally well, but now with
virtue, but with advice, man, ifthere's a donut in the room, I
(07:33):
am like gravitational force tothat donut and it's gone and
like two bites, right?
That is my vice.
I have a habitual disposition toeat a donut.
Right.
But I want, I want the opposite.
I want that Ford something goodin my life.
It's about being more of whatDr.
Schwartz calls being asatisfizer rather than a
(07:54):
maximizer.
When it comes to decisionmaking, he splits these two
camps and it's the maximizerswere oftentimes disfat
dissatisfied and unhappy withlife.
Do you resonate with that, thatyou just want to make things
perfect so badly and you'llspend all this time and energy
(08:14):
and resources to get it only tobe unfulfilled, dissatisfied,
disheartened, saddened, andremorseful about the decisions
you made, what I'm encouragingyou to do and myself to do this
2021 is be more like a satisfiesher.
(08:35):
Be satisfied with life, not bemediocre.
I want you to work your buttoff, but I want you to work
smart.
I don't want you to be exhaustedand full of negative energy.
I want you to work in such a waythat it brings fulfillment into
your life.
(08:56):
And it's not by being amaximizer by trying to get and
squeeze the most life juicepossible out of your own life.
That is not how we're going tolive life.
Because even that imagery, whatdid that show it's about
squeezing, right?
White knuckling, your fists,getting everything out of life.
And another thing I've learnedover my years, and this is a big
(09:17):
statement, right?
That the protagonist of allhuman history of history is a
story.
The good person.
The good person, the best personis the beggar.
That is what it means to behuman, not to clench right with
our fists and try to grab andgrasp everything in our life,
but to have our hands open upand surrender and receive life
(09:40):
as a gift.
as something to be treated as afragile and wonderful thing by
which is a gift given to me.
I don't want to use thatopportunity wisely with my
finite energy and a maximizer.
Doesn't have that imagery intheir mind.
It's about grasping and grabbingand maximizing, and it doesn't
bring happiness and it reallydoesn't bring success.
(10:01):
And it's very short termexhausted, right?
I'm not in this kind of vein ofthe hustle is a real thing that
you need to hustle your way tosuccess.
That's ridiculous.
Elon Musk.
Wow, huge successful.
I bet he could have made it withway less energy expenditure and
exhaustion and a betterrelationships in his life and
(10:21):
better health.
This idea of working your buttoff for success is ridiculous.
It's about working in a smartway.
If there's one thing you
cultivate
it's margin your life to have more space.
Why is it so important?
The context of this conversationI mentioned earlier that this is
not about being lazy.
About extending more energy orless energy in making decisions.
(10:45):
It's about focusing rather ontrying to make the best decision
and more about cultivatingself-awareness to know who you
are, you are and what type ofperson you are and what type of
decisions you make.
Oftentimes times we don't evenhave that.
We can't even bring that to thegame.
And so it's so hard for us tomake a decision because we don't
know what type of person we are.
(11:06):
And it's that margin, thatspace, that time to be alone,
time to really date ourselves,to know ourselves that we
cultivate a greater sense ofself-awareness.
We can begin to make betterdecisions.
With less energy, ultimatelyleading us to be much happier
(11:27):
and fulfilled.
I want to talk about some of thedangers of being a maximizer.
If you are.
Here's some of them just tothink about, I seen this in my
life and the friends around me,they spend a disproportionate
amount of time trying to make adecision.
They'll provide marginal valuein their life.
We talk about that gap betweenthe expectation experience and
(11:48):
every single time, every once ina while bone.
And they like what they decideon, but most always they're
dissatisfied, but it gets worse.
I'll talk about this in just asecond.
Right.
They're uncomfortable withuncertainty, and this is why he
keeps looking over everypossible detail to rule every
stone because the uncertainty isjust too frightening, but in
(12:11):
certainty is the most wonderfulplace to be, because that is
where self discovery is.
I
have learned to embrace uncertainty.
I'm not great at it, but Iembrace it because I've realized
when I put myself out there likethis podcast, sometimes I might
do just a little bitpreparation, but I put myself
out there because.
I know it's important for me.
I want to provide value to you.
(12:33):
And it also helps me to learnmore about myself as well.
So I embrace uncertainty desireto make decisions with no
sacrifice involved.
And so we end up losingeverything.
It's a hard thing formaximizers.
They don't want a sacrifice,anything they want to have.
They're kicking it too.
And oftentimes they lose both.
(12:53):
It's self-defeating you spend somuch time.
The you begin looking at whatother people are saying about
the options available for you.
I see this over and over thesatisfiers often make their
decisions generally, becausethat's what they want.
That's the desire.
That's what they believe.
That's what they think.
(13:14):
That's the value.
These are the principles theystand by.
But in the other world, themaximizers oftentimes is not the
case.
They want to make the bestdecision.
And they end up making thedecisions on behalf of others.
They just can't take it.
It's too overwhelming.
What do you think?
What would you choose?
What do you want?
(13:35):
What would the, what would theywant?
And then making decisions fromother people's desires?
It's not, we want, of coursewe'll be dissatisfied, but
here's the big thing I mentionedto put a bookmark on.
It's really important.
So many maximizers spend so muchdisproportionate amount of time
mulling over something.
And then they finally decided,now this is done by Barry
(13:58):
Schwartz as well.
This research, the study done ondecision-making and what happens
just after the decision to,after we make a decision, if
someone asks you or me, Hey, whydid you make that decision?
The first answers that we kindof drum up are the more
superficial ones.
It's not that that we made adecision off a superficial
(14:20):
reasons.
It's just, that's the firstthing that we just end up
saying.
So here's the problem that whenyou are a maximizer and you
spend so much time relentlesslytrying to make the best decision
on which scarf, right?
Which car, which, whatever it isthat you want.
(14:42):
And then you decide in the nearass or even ask yourself, why
did I decide that you will startwith the most superficial
decisions?
And then immediately has the, asa study had shown that they gave
their superficial reasons.
They immediately began to regretthat their decision, this is not
a pathway to fulfillment.
(15:03):
This is not a pathway tohappiness.
And if you are a maximizer, talkabout all the more hurt.
Not only are you going to feelregret, but realize that you
wasted so much of your time foranother quote, bad decision that
turns into remorse, remorseturns into a deeper sense of
(15:25):
rumination and down the road ofunhappiness.
It's not that they made thedecision off poor reasons.
It just didn't come to mind atfirst.
I'll stand it.
Doesn't.
We slowly become more and moreunhappy.
So what's the answer.
How do we get over this?
How do we begin to practice insuch a way that we do live a
(15:48):
more fulfilling life?
Whether you're a maximizer or asatisfies her, you could take a
lot from this episode.
I know, I sure am.
As I've began to do research andlook at this and the things that
I want to put in place in my ownlife to help me enjoy life and
enjoy it to the fullest.
Right.
Live the most real lifepossible.
(16:08):
First of all, you got to knowthat every decision is saying no
to something and it's okay thathaving are kicking it too.
It's an impossible dream.
We've got to let it go.
We lose everything.
The second thing is allowing theexperience of growth in
uncertainty to shape us and helpus become who we want to be over
(16:31):
and over and over.
We've seen those who havesuffered a lot, oftentimes are
the greatest influencers and theones who know themselves most
deeply in sincerely andvulnerably.
And had an enormous amount ofjoy that radiates from their
face.
Why is that?
(16:52):
Because
it is in these times with certainty that we are
shaped and cultivated intosomething that's bigger than
ourselves on our own.
I want that for you.
So here's your practicum, here'syour homework for the next week?
I want you to reduce the amountof time it takes you to do
something by 50%.
(17:12):
A non life altering activity.
These do not reduce the time.
It takes you to administer alife-sustaining drug, right?
That's not what I'm asking youto do.
It's not about going faster.
Start working smarter, live thesatisfies her mentality for a
day.
So I want you to choosesomething to reduce your time.
(17:34):
You know, I, haven't a perfectexample of this that happened
about two months ago.
I was working with a client in abusiness, small business, and
this individual had not postedon Instagram for a couple of
months.
Now you're probably thinkingthis is ridiculous, but this was
her business.
And she just started at ninemonths ago, it had grown
incredibly quickly makingnothing to five,$10,000 a month.
(17:57):
And her Instagram went from zeroto 12,000 followers in just a
handful of months.
And now she hasn't done anythingin two months.
I asked her why, and she saysjust, it takes so much time.
So I encourage her like look forthe next seven days, which
you're gonna do.
You're gonna do five posts.
You're going to set a timer.
The first one, you have 30minutes to do it.
The second one 20, the third one15, the fourth, one 10.
(18:19):
And the last one for the week,you have five minutes to post
it.
I want you to see how you feelabout this and look at the
response you get from those whoare subscribed to Instagram.
She did it.
What was the result?
She came alive.
She was so happy.
Went from 12,000 to 14,400 in amatter of days, what a huge
(18:41):
encouragement to her.
And she hasn't stopped since.
And I want you to have that samereality.
We get paralyzed because wethink that's gonna take so much
time.
But we need to put a cap on ourtime so we can be a value to
ourselves into the world.
Have you ever heard ofParkinson's law, the work
expands.
So as to fill the time availablefor its completion, other words,
(19:01):
if you give yourself four hoursto do something, you're going to
take the full four hours.
If you give yourself one hour todo it, you'll do it in one hour.
So do me a favor and startsetting a timer on those things
that are occupying too muchspace in your dang life.
That's not giving you the joyyou want and shrink that down,
not work faster, work smarter,use a Pareto Principle, the
(19:25):
80/20 rule that 20% of youreffort, gets 80% of the reward.
Don't be sitting on yourwebsite, just constantly trying
to figure out what the perfectfont is for three days.
It's gonna provide no value toyour readers whatsoever.
So I want you to live the mostfulfilled life possible.
Be satisfied, embraceuncertainty, fill that gap
between the expectation and theexperience which we always have
(19:48):
with Goodwill.
Right?
I want you to live a fulfilledlife when we fill it with
suspicion, it does not lead tofulfillment, work hard, but
expect less by reducing theamount of time it takes you to
do the things that do not giveyou joy.
And are not life criticalConclusion.
(20:10):
find one thing this week andI'll make it smaller for you.
Find one thing this week thatdoes not give you joy and reduce
the amount of time you take todo it by 30% second, find
something that does give you joyand increase that joy by
reducing the time it takes foryou to obtain it by at least
30%.
(20:30):
Going back to that restaurantexample.
Maybe just go to restaurant,pick something spontaneously and
enjoy the journey.
Okay.
That's it that sums this episodeup.
I hope you have a wonderful weekand we'll see you next week.
Take care and bye-bye THank youfor listening to this episode of
living the real.
If you want to check out moreinformation, go to
(20:51):
livingthereal.com and sign upfor my newsletter.
If you want to support thispodcast, you do that at
patreon.com/ltr as well as onetime payments at Venmo and
PayPal in the show notes.
See you all next episode, takecare.
Bye-bye.
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