April 7, 2021 • 29 mins
In this episode, Matt takes a look at how our outlook on life directly impacts the quality of our relationships, and how to pivot to a better outlook on life for sake of better relationships!
Please consider supporting this podcast:
- Give monthly (as little as $5 a month) on our Patreon Page - https://www.patreon.com/ltr
- Give a one time gift through Venmo at @mattboettger
- Give a one time gift through PayPal here - https://paypal.me/mattboettger
Things Discussed In Episode:
- The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor
- Living the Real, Episode 021
- Living the Real, Episode 009
- Living the Real, Episode 010
- Living the Real Journal Template
- The Ideal Praise to Criticism Ratio by HBR
- Why the 5 People Around You Are Crucial to Your Success by Entrepreneur
- Headspace - The app I have been using for meditation.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Matt (00:00):
Just about a week ago, my wife decided not only to make
homemade vegetable chili, whichwas amazing, but also.
Homemade bread while taking careof three wild and crazy boys.
And I had to work late.
So I came upstairs to grasp andchili fray ran back downstairs
in my dungeon to continueworking.
And I saw the homemade bread andit was delicious.
And I wanted some, he said,don't do it yet because the
(00:22):
bread in the bottom on thebottom is really, really hard.
And she wants to throw it awaybecause it's just too.
Chewy and I mean, they said, no,no, no, don't throw it away
because I could use it forcroutons, for my chili or
whatever, but we can use it forsomething else because you just
don't throw bread away.
For my wife, she was thinkingabout her boys and us and about
having good soft bread.
That was the expectation.
(00:43):
But the experience was no, itwasn't fully soft.
The bottom was hard.
So why am I mentioned this withtoday's episode?
I think it was a learning lessonfor me now, first and foremost,
God bless my wife because thatwas what she was seeing.
That's what she was expecting.
That's what she wanted.
And it took an outsider like me,who has maybe he just totally
hungry and would eat anything torealize that what she thinks is
(01:05):
bad is actually really good inthis situation.
And it could be used for otherthings, the experience of the
hard part of the bread.
Did not align with herexpectations for the bread, not
seeing that the failedexpectation of one thing can
very likely be an opportunityfor another curtains for Chile.
This is the goal of life peopleabout seeing the reality that
(01:28):
life is profoundly connected.
And that one failure is an opendoor to something else.
If only we have the eyes to seethe ears to hear.
And this is what the episode isabout.
It's about the pains of notseeing the connectedness of life
for our wellbeing and how we canpursue life more deeply and more
(01:49):
connectedly for the purpose ofdeeper and more connected
relationships.
Because I believe there is aconnection even here, the deeper
we probe and pursue the meaningof life before us.
The deeper our relationships canbe with other people as well.
I believe that is proportionateand I'm feeling all the more in
the past weeks because comingout of Boulder with a shooting
(02:10):
just a few weeks ago, I'm stillreeling from this searching for
the meaning, mourning,understanding why on earth would
this ever happen and stilltrying to remain open and
understanding that somehowsomething great is going to come
from this.
And this is not a time todespair.
So welcome to living a real, andI hope for you, this is your
(02:34):
most real week yet.
Let's get going.
Are you living the most reallife possible?
I asked myself this question allthe time.
Most of the time, the answer is,I just don't know.
But sometimes the answer isdefinitely not.
(02:55):
This is why I have this podcast.
I'm Matt Buckner.
And welcome to the show.
Two small things.
If you get a chance, pleaseleave a review like on Apple
podcasts and also check out mywebsite, live in the real.com
where I offer lots of resourcesin how to live the most real
life possible.
Now on with the show.
So it's been a whirlwind tourfor me in my own mind, after the
(03:17):
difficult Boulder shooting.
And take me back even back to9/11 and so many other shootings
in Colorado, and just dealingwith this hard and difficult
question is where is the meaningin this?
Because I know for many peoplearound me, the typical
responses, maybe not despair,but just, I don't want to go
outside.
I want to keep my family safe.
(03:39):
And that is a real and authenticfeeling.
And at the other side of this, Iremember back in 9/11 when I was
living in DC and after thetragic event of the Pentagon and
the twin towers, I saw so manypeople coming together as
strangers and just saw utterkindness from everyone, a deep
sense of solidarity because wewere in this together for
(04:03):
something greater.
And it was profound.
Now, granted in DC, thatprobably lasted on the eight or
nine months, which probably is arecord before it was no longer
easy to get into lanes.
And I was given the bird oftenin my car, but for those eight
or nine months, it was a reallyprofound and beautiful
experience.
And I saw that similarly withBoulder and continuing to this
day have seen such a great senseof solidarity and coming
(04:26):
together to be bigger than thetragedy that fell before us.
So this episode is how do wedeal?
With experiences thatdramatically do not align with
our expectations because thereis a big temptation when this
happens to just become afraidand fearful, not even ask the
(04:49):
question, what does this makepossible for me?
Where is the gift in this?
If you've listened to myprevious episodes, this is the
biggest tenant of loving thereal moving your life from a
life of determination, whereit's all about self-control and
the self-made person todiscovery, looking to discover
the gift in life.
(05:09):
That there is someone somethingout there bigger than yourself.
That is your advocate who wantsnothing more than your
well-being and to see experiencearound you as signs and symbols,
to move you in a way thatprovides fulfillment, even in
the dark crap and difficulty.
And I want to talk about thepain of these situations when
(05:32):
life doesn't go the way wewanted to go.
When we experienced something.
And how do we actually mindmeaning from it?
And how does attempt to mindmeaning from difficult
experiences, not only lifts oursoul and makes us able to deal
(05:52):
with life.
But exponentially increase ourcapacity to have deep and
connected relationships.
Now, I want you to go back intoepisode 21, which is just last
episode, where I talk about thispyramid that had developed even
more.
Even today, I'm spending a lottime.
I'm getting ready to relaunchliving the real Academy.
(06:12):
I'm excited to share this withyou and really honing in on this
pyramid of how we actuallybehave in life.
And that our experiences, ourfirst kind of interaction with
the world, obviously.
And then from those experiences,we form emotions.
And then from that thoughts andthen beliefs and then actions,
(06:33):
and then we have our results,our life before us.
And hopefully the results thatwe have from life are generally
ones that we're proud of.
And if not, then we need toreflect and figure out where
down this chains pyramid.
Have I twisted some things aboutmyself or about the world that's
prevented me to live the way Iwant to live, to find meaning in
(06:55):
life, because I know that when Ifind meaning in life, the first
thing I want to do is share itwith someone.
This is the connection betweenthe depths of which we engage
life.
And the depths of ourrelationships, because if we
can't and I know it's sodifficult, sometimes defined or
at least ask the question aboutthe meaning of particular
(07:16):
circumstances of our life.
Then we then move from discoveryto a moment of fear.
And we know this, I knowpersonally that when I am
fearful, I'm not going out andwanting to connect with anyone.
I want to hide in my basement.
I want to hide under my coversand sleep for days on end.
I don't want to connect.
And when I do connect, I've gotreally nothing to share because
(07:37):
I really don't want to drum upall my anxiety and fear.
It's when those things happen inmy life that I find meaning and
purpose that I just want toshout from the rooftops.
So I have friends about howimportant it is to me.
This is the biggest steppingstone.
And if anyone's listening rightnow and suffering from their
ability to find meaning in theirlife right now, then hold on
(08:01):
because I have four ways bywhich we can slowly begin to
transition the way we think andlive our life to find meaning,
and then have deeper connectionsbecause it's a double-edged
sword.
Is it not?
If you are fearful and afraidand then you don't want to
connect, or if you do connect ona shallow basis, and then you
leave that relationship thatencounter with someone and you
(08:21):
feel a little disgruntled.
Where you don't feel reallyhappy because you don't feel
like it connected well, and thenit's a double-edged sword now.
Not only are you afraid you'redisconnected and now you feel
lonely and now you're depressed.
So it can spiral out of controlsuite or lean into discovery for
the sake of finding meaning inlife, which allows you to see
(08:43):
the opportunities for you inlife.
And remain deeply connected,which gives you the fuel to do
great things in your life.
Because like I said, when thereis no meaning, we don't want to
share, if we do share where wesubstitute with sharing our fear
and anxiety, which we don't feelhappy about, we don't feel
excited about now.
It's okay.
Does he know once in a whilewhen you're in a rush to find a
(09:04):
friend to talk about, but whenit's the only thing you have to
offer to a friendship, it justbecomes difficult for the person
who is suffering in that becausethey're not connecting and they
feel bad for only sharing thefear.
That's hard.
And then we go into this passiveand active reality of life.
The passive one is that we don'tsee the opportunity in the
(09:24):
difficult circumstances.
We become enclosed and puddleup.
And we don't even ask thequestion.
We just become passiverecipients of life and we allow
life to happen to us.
That's the passive part when we,when there's no meaning in our
life.
And then the active part is thatwe actually go out looking in
our experiences.
But what we're looking for is welook for the bad things.
(09:46):
We have a negativity bias.
We become critical to people.
We become judgmental.
Things would become fearful,even angry.
That's hard.
I know this because I havesuffered from this in a very
particular way, and I haven'treally fully mined a depth of
this.
I've always thought, Oh, I'mthis optimistic kind of chill
guy and a large part of my lifeI am, but there are some parts
(10:10):
of my life that I'm deeplycritical.
I'm deeply judgmental and that'sme actively like a radar
pursuing the bad things in life,or then upholding the good
things in life and elevatingthe, because we know when we're
supported, when we're supportedby someone who sees the best in
us, then we are, we not onlyrise to the occasion, we surpass
(10:31):
it.
Man.
I was in my elementary schooldays and there was my social
study teacher, Mr.
Hawkinson.
And I don't remember the fullcontext.
I was young.
I think I was in junior high atthe time.
And I remember suffering inclass tremendously.
I don't know what my grade was.
Maybe it was a D whatever itwas, he pulled me aside.
He could have just said, Matt,you're screwing up.
(10:51):
You need to do better.
Spend more time on yourhomework.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But he didn't.
You know what he did?
I don't remember the fullcontext.
This is my memory, which I'msure it's shady.
But I remember he sat with mefor a moment on the, on his desk
and just told me, words ofencouragement and told me he
believed in me.
He didn't even mention my badgrade.
(11:11):
He just mentioned that hebelieved in me.
And that he knew that I had thecapacity.
Guess what?
When he did that, my grade wentup at least one full letter, if
not two.
I forgot exactly, but I know itincreased dramatically in just a
few weeks because he believed inme.
Now I wish I would've learnedthat lesson and be able to share
with other people in my ownexperience of life, not just
(11:32):
teaching you.
And I'm still learning thislesson that realizing that when
we get that negative, thatcriticism, it doesn't make us
motivated.
It just brings us down and howwe need to flip that and see the
good in someone, because it onlymakes them better.
It only makes you better.
(11:53):
And if you're in thosesituations, we're going to talk
about that.
You've got to get out.
And if you can't get out, I haveways by which we can slowly work
around it.
And most of those you can getout.
If not all of them in one way oranother, it's the consequence of
having a life that doesn't havemoney it's disconnected.
It's inauthentic.
(12:14):
What do we resort to peoplepleasing?
So afraid of losing more of alife.
We dare not speak our voice intoour relationships less.
We lose another relationship andhave this confirmation put into
our own head that see, I toldyou I'm the result of everything
bad.
And so when we are inauthentic,we are people pleasing to lack
(12:37):
of meaning.
Plus a lack of connection equalsdespair.
And I don't want you to be inthat.
I don't want me to be that Idon't want anyone to be that I
want really everyone living themost real life possible.
This is far from real far fromreal.
That lack of me destroys thepersonality, destroys our
personnel.
If we can't see or even striveto look for the meaning, we lack
(12:57):
the ability to engage experiencethrough the meaning.
And these consequences are likeslippery slopes.
It has continued to be, get one,not so great thing after
another.
That just sucks.
It just destroys our personalitywithin a lack, the ability to
engage experience throughmeaning.
(13:19):
And then from this, we becomereactive to the present moments
because we realize where we feelthe deepest part of our heart,
that life is our adversary andso reactive or defensive.
And what does that happen?
We end up living out of thisdefensive instead of life, we
play it safe with life.
We become reactive and then itjust builds a life of regret,
which is just heaps on more.
(13:41):
Difficulty.
And then of course, as we beginto build these moments one after
another, we look back at ourpast and then it looks dark,
right?
It looks meaningless.
There's a sense of aloneness inour past that an image, it feel
like an image of a personuntethered in outer space.
And it all started with just onesmall thing.
(14:03):
And that is not even beginningto ask the question and billing
the habit.
Of asking, where's the gift inthis?
What does this make possible forme?
What is the opportunity in thisevent or this broken
relationship or this hardship?
I'm reminded like a snowballcoming down the mountain.
When it comes down the mountainit's small and it can easily be
stopped with a finger, but thenafter a while, if we don't stop
(14:27):
it right away, it gets biggerand bigger and bigger until it
becomes unbearable and nothingcan stop it.
And it all for us, when it comesto.
Happiness fulfillment.
It begins with a small littlesnowball.
What is discovery looking forthe meaning in life.
If we can't train ourselves orretrain ourselves to see that
and look for it, then we beginthis kind of slow, slippery
(14:50):
slope, adding onto snowball towhere life then feels utterly
out of control, where we needreally strong and additional
resources to get us back intocontrol of life.
There's never a moment when weneed to despair.
Cause we can't always shift.
Sometimes it takes moreresources than, and it takes
less resources, but we can getthat moment where we really are
(15:13):
living in that real.
We see life for what it isproportionately, and we respond
to it proportionately.
So we don't want theconsequences of life happening
to us.
Feeling like a victim.
The virtue of connection isreduced to commiseration
becoming incredibly private.
Or, or the other end selfexploiting because of the pain
(15:36):
within our own hearts.
And then one of the oftenconsequences that we have this
extreme focus on helping others.
Now it's great to help othersamazing.
But sometimes we do it as acrutch rather than as a gift of
self.
And when we really lack meanerlife, we've got to find it
(15:56):
somewhere.
So we're desperate to latch onto other people and help them.
In their life so that we canlatch onto their meaning as a
poor substitute in the lack ofmy own.
Meaning, have you done that?
I know.
I sure have.
I got to check myself torealize, why am I doing this?
Am I doing it because I reallywant to help?
(16:17):
Or is it priority because I'mseeing something out of control
in my life and I'm trying tofind meaning.
And so I'm trying to find itthrough someone else.
It's relatively innocuous insome levels, but when it comes
to parenting, that's a wholedifficult and not so good place
to put your own life intosomebody else's and find meaning
in it.
(16:37):
And then socially.
Man we have tribalism versuscommunity.
When we're afraid, we don't findmeaning.
We've gathered people around uslike minded, unfortunately who
both maybe see life in a darkersense.
And we have an artificial senseof community.
As we gathered together to fighta common enemy, which is the
(16:57):
world, which is not, we want, wewant community.
One of those see the world forwhat it is and come together to
participate and engage somethingbigger than the sum of its
parts.
Provide value to the world thatneeds it.
So incredibly bad.
Lee, we have fear a lot morefear that our life is grounded
in fear.
And that's what makes us tribalit's us against the world.
(17:18):
And like I mentioned earlier,right?
It's the radar.
The radar begins to look for allthe bad things and things and
people, wherever you look,you'll find it.
And now we gotta begin to firstthis and live a life of
discovery, striving and leaninto life, through discovery.
For the sake of having therelationships you deserve or to
have you deserve to havehappiness is not a result.
(17:41):
It is not like this idea that ifI just had this and it had this
situation, this much money livedin Maui, did this, did that,
that I'd be happy.
It is a precondition actuallylook up and read the happiness
advantage and incredible bookthat shows this idea that
happiness is not something thatwe achieve.
And as a precondition, that is amindset.
And I want to help you live thatlife so that you can truly live
(18:05):
and thrive and be happy.
And even in your circumstances,you can find a deep sense of joy
and happiness in your life.
So let's now land this plane.
Talk about the four things wecan do, and I need this just as
much as you do to help me reallysee the good and everything
around me, that every event,every encounter in my life, I
(18:26):
truly can ask the question.
What does this make possible forme?
What is this saying about methat I can grow in?
It'd become a better individualto see the good and the people
around me and not be so criticaland judgmental.
So if you're struggling rightnow and if you are, I don't
blame you, we're still in thepandemic.
We're coming out of it.
(18:47):
It's wonderful.
There's still some things to bedetermined in the future, but
it's much better than it waslast year.
And then we have seen over andover and over a number of series
of shootings, but I'm sure hascaused a lot more pain and
difficulty.
So they're suffering.
It doesn't have to be that way.
I want to help you help myselfbe able to move out of that
framework into a new one so wecan live life again, live a
(19:10):
bowling cradle and be joyful.
The first thing I want to say toyou that if you're struggling
way and stuck in negativity,stuck in fear, stuffing anxiety,
the first small step I want tostep.
Number one is put a containeraround it.
I've seen this in my life.
I know what it's like, wherenegativity permeates every part
(19:31):
of the day and the day becomesoverwhelming.
I'm not saying to get rid ofyour negativity, just put a
container around it.
Do not allow to spread.
Give it its time.
And then wait until next time itmight be every day from noon to
2:00 PM.
I have the right to be negative.
Say things, talk to people,whatever it is, it's your game.
(19:52):
It's your determination.
All I want you to do is allow itto stay in that container.
And the rest of the day is notabout negativity, right?
As something else comes intoplay, there's an emergency.
Yes, you handle it.
But you're beating this shiftand change set the majority of
your day.
Is it the bare minimum neutraland hopefully a little bit more
(20:14):
joyful.
So your first step is find onetime a day where you have all
the lights in the world to benegative for X amount of time,
30 minutes, 15 minutes, an hour,two hours, whatever it may be.
But after that, before that thatis not the time.
And may it not be just beforebed, because that is not the
best time you will not sleepwell sometime, maybe in the
(20:35):
morning and the day, wherever itmay be.
The other one is number two,balance the equation in life.
There've been so much researchthat for every one negative
comment, when critical judgmentis given to someone, it takes
five positive ones to overcomeit.
Now, generally, if you live withsomeone who's toxic, or if you
(20:56):
live with someone or havefriends or friends with someone
as best to get out of thatrelationship, but if you can't
get out that relationship, nowI'm saying if there's an abuse
situation, you get out of it atall times.
But if there is something we'rejust, people are critical and
you can't get out of it, like asyour mom or your dad, or maybe
your sister or your brother oryour spouse or someone who's
(21:16):
close.
And it's not that agregiouswhere by which you can separate
all ties, but it just is reallyweighing you down heavily.
Then here's my thing.
You may not be able to teachthem to give you five continents
for every one criticism, but youcan say, okay, I'm not going to
abandon my mom.
At least not yet, or my dad orwhatever it may be.
(21:40):
So I need to find five goodsupporting friends or family
that I'm with regularly toovercome that one negative Nancy
in my life.
You've got to actually pursuethis.
Find the people in your life whooverwhelmingly are supportive or
affirming or encouraging and bewith them regularly to help skew
(22:03):
the negativity that you feellike you have to live with in
one way or another advice.
Number three, with God to changethat behavior.
Now we can put a containeraround it.
So it's there.
We can begin to put aroundfriends around us who can help
give us that example.
Cause we are the average of thepeople we're around.
So if we have a large amount ofaffirming, wonderful, joyful,
(22:27):
hopeful people, we're naturallygoing to inch our way towards
that.
So a deeper sense of changingour behavior.
We've got to engage.
You've heard me talk about, soreadiness idea of living the
life of discovery.
And this framework is soimportant.
If you can get this and thisonly will change the course of
your life forever, but it's notgoing to change it by just
thinking about that idea.
(22:48):
You've got to do something aboutit.
You've got to build a habit bywhich it changes your entire
framework, starting a positivityjournal.
If you have some of your life,who's just, you can't think, but
negative things about.
Journal daily in journal aboutthem, but only the positive
things find the positive things.
(23:08):
And at first it's going to feelfake and phony and not real, but
over time, if you're consistentenough, all of a sudden you're
gonna realize, Oh my gosh, I dobelieve this.
I do see them in this light.
It actually is true that theyare wonderful people.
It doesn't mean that they havecrap in their life or they do
bad things, but you're able tosee.
The good things in them as well,and then be able to share it
(23:31):
with them as well, which willreally benefit the relationship.
Now I would encourage you to goback also to episode number 10,
where I talk about journalingand you can go to my living the
real.com/journal template.
If you want to download it whereI have a series of questions,
you can do one, two times a day,that leads you through my
living, the real mess for livinga more real life in a context of
(23:54):
discovery.
Really looking for the things inlife that are opportunities and
gifts.
They're not going to happen on aconveyor belt.
You're not gonna see theminstinctually yet.
You've got to practice this.
So you need to begin journalingand broader perspective than
just the individual person hemight be critical with and
incorporate the habits oflooking for the gifts in your
(24:18):
life and the difficult momentsof your life in a habit.
So check it out, go to episode10, listen to it, check out my
template.
Begin using that template toshape and form your life.
To see life as gift, practicemeditation.
What an awesome thing I've beendoing.
It's been changing me more andmore.
The more practice.
(24:39):
It, it doesn't rid myself of myemotions, but it allows me not
to be controlled by them.
That's all.
And what a gift that is in ofitself and prayer.
If you're a person of prayer,praying daily, To get out of
yourself and into some one whois beyond yourself.
And I mentioned all this stuffabout fear and we don't want to
(25:00):
live in fear, but I want to makethe caveat real.
That fear is not some vice in ofitself.
That fear is an imitationtowards vulnerability and
connection.
This is one thing where I've runaway from so many times I've got
afraid from one reason oranother.
I get fearful and I just wannaovercome it because fear is bad.
Fear is bad.
If you live by fear.
(25:22):
The fear is wonderful.
If it allows you to move towardsability and connection, that's
its purpose.
Of course, if you need to if thesnowball's gotten so big out of
control, then you know, what'stough.
It's Sanford counseling.
I've been down that road so manytimes, and then you do it
(25:42):
because life is too short to sitin, wonder and wish for a better
life.
You've got to be active.
And journaling can take you along way to five, to one,
getting people around your life,where supportive and assuring is
an incredibly big part of yourlife.
Putting a container around yournegativity is indispensable, but
sometimes counseling is anecessity.
(26:05):
And then finally find where thisstuff is coming from.
This fear this dread, thisanxiety, it didn't come out of a
vacuum.
This is where we, again, go backto episode 21, go back to that
pyramid.
I talk about is behavioralpyramid and work through that
pyramid of experience, emotions,thoughts, beliefs, actions, the
(26:30):
tip of the pyramid results,right?
Our outcomes, and some suck andsome are great.
Where do those outcomes comefrom your actions, where your
actions come from, guess whatyour beliefs about yourself,
your capacity, your incapacity,where do your beliefs come from?
Where they come from?
Your thought processes.
Where's your thoughts come fromfrom your emotions and where
your emotions come from?
(26:50):
Those experiences at the heartof everything is our
experiences.
Our experiences shape us.
We did go back and say, whatexperiences in my life did I
have?
That's made me feel, act, behavethis way.
They need to change.
And hold on.
If you want to go in, check outmy newsletter, go live in the
real.com.
Scroll to the bottom center fannewsletter so that when living
(27:12):
the real Academy opens, you canbe one of the first to join the
Academy and to really strive tolive the most real life.
Cause it does not happen bydrifting.
We've got to take initiative anddo it.
And this is what I want to helpyou.
To do.
I hope you got some tips of whatyou're gonna do this week to
live the most real lifepossible.
Maybe it is just journalingabout that one person you just
(27:35):
can't think kindly about, andyou're going to find the gold
and that person is going tochange you more than it's going
to change them.
Because now your heart's goingto be lighter.
You're going to see brighterdays and you're gonna see
yourself in a brighter light.
Okay, have a wonderful week.
I will see you next episode.
Take care and bye-bye thank youfor listening to this episode of
(27:58):
living the real.
If you want to check out moreinformation, go to living the
real.com and sign up for mynewsletter.
If you want to support thispodcast, you do that at
patrion.com/ltr as well asone-time payments at Venmo and
PayPal in the show notes.
See you all next episode.
Take care.
Bye-bye.
Just about a week ago, my wife decided not only to make
homemade vegetable chili, whichwas amazing, but also.
Homemade bread while taking careof three wild and crazy boys.
And I had to work late.
So I came upstairs to grasp andchili fray ran back downstairs
in my dungeon to continueworking.
And I saw the homemade bread andit was delicious.
And I wanted some, he said,don't do it yet because the
(00:22):
bread in the bottom on thebottom is really, really hard.
And she wants to throw it awaybecause it's just too.
Chewy and I mean, they said, no,no, no, don't throw it away
because I could use it forcroutons, for my chili or
whatever, but we can use it forsomething else because you just
don't throw bread away.
For my wife, she was thinkingabout her boys and us and about
having good soft bread.
That was the expectation.
(00:43):
But the experience was no, itwasn't fully soft.
The bottom was hard.
So why am I mentioned this withtoday's episode?
I think it was a learning lessonfor me now, first and foremost,
God bless my wife because thatwas what she was seeing.
That's what she was expecting.
That's what she wanted.
And it took an outsider like me,who has maybe he just totally
hungry and would eat anything torealize that what she thinks is
(01:05):
bad is actually really good inthis situation.
And it could be used for otherthings, the experience of the
hard part of the bread.
Did not align with herexpectations for the bread, not
seeing that the failedexpectation of one thing can
very likely be an opportunityfor another curtains for Chile.
This is the goal of life peopleabout seeing the reality that
(01:28):
life is profoundly connected.
And that one failure is an opendoor to something else.
If only we have the eyes to seethe ears to hear.
And this is what the episode isabout.
It's about the pains of notseeing the connectedness of life
for our wellbeing and how we canpursue life more deeply and more
(01:49):
connectedly for the purpose ofdeeper and more connected
relationships.
Because I believe there is aconnection even here, the deeper
we probe and pursue the meaningof life before us.
The deeper our relationships canbe with other people as well.
I believe that is proportionateand I'm feeling all the more in
the past weeks because comingout of Boulder with a shooting
(02:10):
just a few weeks ago, I'm stillreeling from this searching for
the meaning, mourning,understanding why on earth would
this ever happen and stilltrying to remain open and
understanding that somehowsomething great is going to come
from this.
And this is not a time todespair.
So welcome to living a real, andI hope for you, this is your
(02:34):
most real week yet.
Let's get going.
Are you living the most reallife possible?
I asked myself this question allthe time.
Most of the time, the answer is,I just don't know.
But sometimes the answer isdefinitely not.
(02:55):
This is why I have this podcast.
I'm Matt Buckner.
And welcome to the show.
Two small things.
If you get a chance, pleaseleave a review like on Apple
podcasts and also check out mywebsite, live in the real.com
where I offer lots of resourcesin how to live the most real
life possible.
Now on with the show.
So it's been a whirlwind tourfor me in my own mind, after the
(03:17):
difficult Boulder shooting.
And take me back even back to9/11 and so many other shootings
in Colorado, and just dealingwith this hard and difficult
question is where is the meaningin this?
Because I know for many peoplearound me, the typical
responses, maybe not despair,but just, I don't want to go
outside.
I want to keep my family safe.
(03:39):
And that is a real and authenticfeeling.
And at the other side of this, Iremember back in 9/11 when I was
living in DC and after thetragic event of the Pentagon and
the twin towers, I saw so manypeople coming together as
strangers and just saw utterkindness from everyone, a deep
sense of solidarity because wewere in this together for
(04:03):
something greater.
And it was profound.
Now, granted in DC, thatprobably lasted on the eight or
nine months, which probably is arecord before it was no longer
easy to get into lanes.
And I was given the bird oftenin my car, but for those eight
or nine months, it was a reallyprofound and beautiful
experience.
And I saw that similarly withBoulder and continuing to this
day have seen such a great senseof solidarity and coming
(04:26):
together to be bigger than thetragedy that fell before us.
So this episode is how do wedeal?
With experiences thatdramatically do not align with
our expectations because thereis a big temptation when this
happens to just become afraidand fearful, not even ask the
(04:49):
question, what does this makepossible for me?
Where is the gift in this?
If you've listened to myprevious episodes, this is the
biggest tenant of loving thereal moving your life from a
life of determination, whereit's all about self-control and
the self-made person todiscovery, looking to discover
the gift in life.
(05:09):
That there is someone somethingout there bigger than yourself.
That is your advocate who wantsnothing more than your
well-being and to see experiencearound you as signs and symbols,
to move you in a way thatprovides fulfillment, even in
the dark crap and difficulty.
And I want to talk about thepain of these situations when
(05:32):
life doesn't go the way wewanted to go.
When we experienced something.
And how do we actually mindmeaning from it?
And how does attempt to mindmeaning from difficult
experiences, not only lifts oursoul and makes us able to deal
(05:52):
with life.
But exponentially increase ourcapacity to have deep and
connected relationships.
Now, I want you to go back intoepisode 21, which is just last
episode, where I talk about thispyramid that had developed even
more.
Even today, I'm spending a lottime.
I'm getting ready to relaunchliving the real Academy.
(06:12):
I'm excited to share this withyou and really honing in on this
pyramid of how we actuallybehave in life.
And that our experiences, ourfirst kind of interaction with
the world, obviously.
And then from those experiences,we form emotions.
And then from that thoughts andthen beliefs and then actions,
(06:33):
and then we have our results,our life before us.
And hopefully the results thatwe have from life are generally
ones that we're proud of.
And if not, then we need toreflect and figure out where
down this chains pyramid.
Have I twisted some things aboutmyself or about the world that's
prevented me to live the way Iwant to live, to find meaning in
(06:55):
life, because I know that when Ifind meaning in life, the first
thing I want to do is share itwith someone.
This is the connection betweenthe depths of which we engage
life.
And the depths of ourrelationships, because if we
can't and I know it's sodifficult, sometimes defined or
at least ask the question aboutthe meaning of particular
(07:16):
circumstances of our life.
Then we then move from discoveryto a moment of fear.
And we know this, I knowpersonally that when I am
fearful, I'm not going out andwanting to connect with anyone.
I want to hide in my basement.
I want to hide under my coversand sleep for days on end.
I don't want to connect.
And when I do connect, I've gotreally nothing to share because
(07:37):
I really don't want to drum upall my anxiety and fear.
It's when those things happen inmy life that I find meaning and
purpose that I just want toshout from the rooftops.
So I have friends about howimportant it is to me.
This is the biggest steppingstone.
And if anyone's listening rightnow and suffering from their
ability to find meaning in theirlife right now, then hold on
(08:01):
because I have four ways bywhich we can slowly begin to
transition the way we think andlive our life to find meaning,
and then have deeper connectionsbecause it's a double-edged
sword.
Is it not?
If you are fearful and afraidand then you don't want to
connect, or if you do connect ona shallow basis, and then you
leave that relationship thatencounter with someone and you
(08:21):
feel a little disgruntled.
Where you don't feel reallyhappy because you don't feel
like it connected well, and thenit's a double-edged sword now.
Not only are you afraid you'redisconnected and now you feel
lonely and now you're depressed.
So it can spiral out of controlsuite or lean into discovery for
the sake of finding meaning inlife, which allows you to see
(08:43):
the opportunities for you inlife.
And remain deeply connected,which gives you the fuel to do
great things in your life.
Because like I said, when thereis no meaning, we don't want to
share, if we do share where wesubstitute with sharing our fear
and anxiety, which we don't feelhappy about, we don't feel
excited about now.
It's okay.
Does he know once in a whilewhen you're in a rush to find a
(09:04):
friend to talk about, but whenit's the only thing you have to
offer to a friendship, it justbecomes difficult for the person
who is suffering in that becausethey're not connecting and they
feel bad for only sharing thefear.
That's hard.
And then we go into this passiveand active reality of life.
The passive one is that we don'tsee the opportunity in the
(09:24):
difficult circumstances.
We become enclosed and puddleup.
And we don't even ask thequestion.
We just become passiverecipients of life and we allow
life to happen to us.
That's the passive part when we,when there's no meaning in our
life.
And then the active part is thatwe actually go out looking in
our experiences.
But what we're looking for is welook for the bad things.
(09:46):
We have a negativity bias.
We become critical to people.
We become judgmental.
Things would become fearful,even angry.
That's hard.
I know this because I havesuffered from this in a very
particular way, and I haven'treally fully mined a depth of
this.
I've always thought, Oh, I'mthis optimistic kind of chill
guy and a large part of my lifeI am, but there are some parts
(10:10):
of my life that I'm deeplycritical.
I'm deeply judgmental and that'sme actively like a radar
pursuing the bad things in life,or then upholding the good
things in life and elevatingthe, because we know when we're
supported, when we're supportedby someone who sees the best in
us, then we are, we not onlyrise to the occasion, we surpass
(10:31):
it.
Man.
I was in my elementary schooldays and there was my social
study teacher, Mr.
Hawkinson.
And I don't remember the fullcontext.
I was young.
I think I was in junior high atthe time.
And I remember suffering inclass tremendously.
I don't know what my grade was.
Maybe it was a D whatever itwas, he pulled me aside.
He could have just said, Matt,you're screwing up.
(10:51):
You need to do better.
Spend more time on yourhomework.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But he didn't.
You know what he did?
I don't remember the fullcontext.
This is my memory, which I'msure it's shady.
But I remember he sat with mefor a moment on the, on his desk
and just told me, words ofencouragement and told me he
believed in me.
He didn't even mention my badgrade.
(11:11):
He just mentioned that hebelieved in me.
And that he knew that I had thecapacity.
Guess what?
When he did that, my grade wentup at least one full letter, if
not two.
I forgot exactly, but I know itincreased dramatically in just a
few weeks because he believed inme.
Now I wish I would've learnedthat lesson and be able to share
with other people in my ownexperience of life, not just
(11:32):
teaching you.
And I'm still learning thislesson that realizing that when
we get that negative, thatcriticism, it doesn't make us
motivated.
It just brings us down and howwe need to flip that and see the
good in someone, because it onlymakes them better.
It only makes you better.
(11:53):
And if you're in thosesituations, we're going to talk
about that.
You've got to get out.
And if you can't get out, I haveways by which we can slowly work
around it.
And most of those you can getout.
If not all of them in one way oranother, it's the consequence of
having a life that doesn't havemoney it's disconnected.
It's inauthentic.
(12:14):
What do we resort to peoplepleasing?
So afraid of losing more of alife.
We dare not speak our voice intoour relationships less.
We lose another relationship andhave this confirmation put into
our own head that see, I toldyou I'm the result of everything
bad.
And so when we are inauthentic,we are people pleasing to lack
(12:37):
of meaning.
Plus a lack of connection equalsdespair.
And I don't want you to be inthat.
I don't want me to be that Idon't want anyone to be that I
want really everyone living themost real life possible.
This is far from real far fromreal.
That lack of me destroys thepersonality, destroys our
personnel.
If we can't see or even striveto look for the meaning, we lack
(12:57):
the ability to engage experiencethrough the meaning.
And these consequences are likeslippery slopes.
It has continued to be, get one,not so great thing after
another.
That just sucks.
It just destroys our personalitywithin a lack, the ability to
engage experience throughmeaning.
(13:19):
And then from this, we becomereactive to the present moments
because we realize where we feelthe deepest part of our heart,
that life is our adversary andso reactive or defensive.
And what does that happen?
We end up living out of thisdefensive instead of life, we
play it safe with life.
We become reactive and then itjust builds a life of regret,
which is just heaps on more.
(13:41):
Difficulty.
And then of course, as we beginto build these moments one after
another, we look back at ourpast and then it looks dark,
right?
It looks meaningless.
There's a sense of aloneness inour past that an image, it feel
like an image of a personuntethered in outer space.
And it all started with just onesmall thing.
(14:03):
And that is not even beginningto ask the question and billing
the habit.
Of asking, where's the gift inthis?
What does this make possible forme?
What is the opportunity in thisevent or this broken
relationship or this hardship?
I'm reminded like a snowballcoming down the mountain.
When it comes down the mountainit's small and it can easily be
stopped with a finger, but thenafter a while, if we don't stop
(14:27):
it right away, it gets biggerand bigger and bigger until it
becomes unbearable and nothingcan stop it.
And it all for us, when it comesto.
Happiness fulfillment.
It begins with a small littlesnowball.
What is discovery looking forthe meaning in life.
If we can't train ourselves orretrain ourselves to see that
and look for it, then we beginthis kind of slow, slippery
(14:50):
slope, adding onto snowball towhere life then feels utterly
out of control, where we needreally strong and additional
resources to get us back intocontrol of life.
There's never a moment when weneed to despair.
Cause we can't always shift.
Sometimes it takes moreresources than, and it takes
less resources, but we can getthat moment where we really are
(15:13):
living in that real.
We see life for what it isproportionately, and we respond
to it proportionately.
So we don't want theconsequences of life happening
to us.
Feeling like a victim.
The virtue of connection isreduced to commiseration
becoming incredibly private.
Or, or the other end selfexploiting because of the pain
(15:36):
within our own hearts.
And then one of the oftenconsequences that we have this
extreme focus on helping others.
Now it's great to help othersamazing.
But sometimes we do it as acrutch rather than as a gift of
self.
And when we really lack meanerlife, we've got to find it
(15:56):
somewhere.
So we're desperate to latch onto other people and help them.
In their life so that we canlatch onto their meaning as a
poor substitute in the lack ofmy own.
Meaning, have you done that?
I know.
I sure have.
I got to check myself torealize, why am I doing this?
Am I doing it because I reallywant to help?
(16:17):
Or is it priority because I'mseeing something out of control
in my life and I'm trying tofind meaning.
And so I'm trying to find itthrough someone else.
It's relatively innocuous insome levels, but when it comes
to parenting, that's a wholedifficult and not so good place
to put your own life intosomebody else's and find meaning
in it.
(16:37):
And then socially.
Man we have tribalism versuscommunity.
When we're afraid, we don't findmeaning.
We've gathered people around uslike minded, unfortunately who
both maybe see life in a darkersense.
And we have an artificial senseof community.
As we gathered together to fighta common enemy, which is the
(16:57):
world, which is not, we want, wewant community.
One of those see the world forwhat it is and come together to
participate and engage somethingbigger than the sum of its
parts.
Provide value to the world thatneeds it.
So incredibly bad.
Lee, we have fear a lot morefear that our life is grounded
in fear.
And that's what makes us tribalit's us against the world.
(17:18):
And like I mentioned earlier,right?
It's the radar.
The radar begins to look for allthe bad things and things and
people, wherever you look,you'll find it.
And now we gotta begin to firstthis and live a life of
discovery, striving and leaninto life, through discovery.
For the sake of having therelationships you deserve or to
have you deserve to havehappiness is not a result.
(17:41):
It is not like this idea that ifI just had this and it had this
situation, this much money livedin Maui, did this, did that,
that I'd be happy.
It is a precondition actuallylook up and read the happiness
advantage and incredible bookthat shows this idea that
happiness is not something thatwe achieve.
And as a precondition, that is amindset.
And I want to help you live thatlife so that you can truly live
(18:05):
and thrive and be happy.
And even in your circumstances,you can find a deep sense of joy
and happiness in your life.
So let's now land this plane.
Talk about the four things wecan do, and I need this just as
much as you do to help me reallysee the good and everything
around me, that every event,every encounter in my life, I
(18:26):
truly can ask the question.
What does this make possible forme?
What is this saying about methat I can grow in?
It'd become a better individualto see the good and the people
around me and not be so criticaland judgmental.
So if you're struggling rightnow and if you are, I don't
blame you, we're still in thepandemic.
We're coming out of it.
(18:47):
It's wonderful.
There's still some things to bedetermined in the future, but
it's much better than it waslast year.
And then we have seen over andover and over a number of series
of shootings, but I'm sure hascaused a lot more pain and
difficulty.
So they're suffering.
It doesn't have to be that way.
I want to help you help myselfbe able to move out of that
framework into a new one so wecan live life again, live a
(19:10):
bowling cradle and be joyful.
The first thing I want to say toyou that if you're struggling
way and stuck in negativity,stuck in fear, stuffing anxiety,
the first small step I want tostep.
Number one is put a containeraround it.
I've seen this in my life.
I know what it's like, wherenegativity permeates every part
(19:31):
of the day and the day becomesoverwhelming.
I'm not saying to get rid ofyour negativity, just put a
container around it.
Do not allow to spread.
Give it its time.
And then wait until next time itmight be every day from noon to
2:00 PM.
I have the right to be negative.
Say things, talk to people,whatever it is, it's your game.
(19:52):
It's your determination.
All I want you to do is allow itto stay in that container.
And the rest of the day is notabout negativity, right?
As something else comes intoplay, there's an emergency.
Yes, you handle it.
But you're beating this shiftand change set the majority of
your day.
Is it the bare minimum neutraland hopefully a little bit more
(20:14):
joyful.
So your first step is find onetime a day where you have all
the lights in the world to benegative for X amount of time,
30 minutes, 15 minutes, an hour,two hours, whatever it may be.
But after that, before that thatis not the time.
And may it not be just beforebed, because that is not the
best time you will not sleepwell sometime, maybe in the
(20:35):
morning and the day, wherever itmay be.
The other one is number two,balance the equation in life.
There've been so much researchthat for every one negative
comment, when critical judgmentis given to someone, it takes
five positive ones to overcomeit.
Now, generally, if you live withsomeone who's toxic, or if you
(20:56):
live with someone or havefriends or friends with someone
as best to get out of thatrelationship, but if you can't
get out that relationship, nowI'm saying if there's an abuse
situation, you get out of it atall times.
But if there is something we'rejust, people are critical and
you can't get out of it, like asyour mom or your dad, or maybe
your sister or your brother oryour spouse or someone who's
(21:16):
close.
And it's not that agregiouswhere by which you can separate
all ties, but it just is reallyweighing you down heavily.
Then here's my thing.
You may not be able to teachthem to give you five continents
for every one criticism, but youcan say, okay, I'm not going to
abandon my mom.
At least not yet, or my dad orwhatever it may be.
(21:40):
So I need to find five goodsupporting friends or family
that I'm with regularly toovercome that one negative Nancy
in my life.
You've got to actually pursuethis.
Find the people in your life whooverwhelmingly are supportive or
affirming or encouraging and bewith them regularly to help skew
(22:03):
the negativity that you feellike you have to live with in
one way or another advice.
Number three, with God to changethat behavior.
Now we can put a containeraround it.
So it's there.
We can begin to put aroundfriends around us who can help
give us that example.
Cause we are the average of thepeople we're around.
So if we have a large amount ofaffirming, wonderful, joyful,
(22:27):
hopeful people, we're naturallygoing to inch our way towards
that.
So a deeper sense of changingour behavior.
We've got to engage.
You've heard me talk about, soreadiness idea of living the
life of discovery.
And this framework is soimportant.
If you can get this and thisonly will change the course of
your life forever, but it's notgoing to change it by just
thinking about that idea.
(22:48):
You've got to do something aboutit.
You've got to build a habit bywhich it changes your entire
framework, starting a positivityjournal.
If you have some of your life,who's just, you can't think, but
negative things about.
Journal daily in journal aboutthem, but only the positive
things find the positive things.
(23:08):
And at first it's going to feelfake and phony and not real, but
over time, if you're consistentenough, all of a sudden you're
gonna realize, Oh my gosh, I dobelieve this.
I do see them in this light.
It actually is true that theyare wonderful people.
It doesn't mean that they havecrap in their life or they do
bad things, but you're able tosee.
The good things in them as well,and then be able to share it
(23:31):
with them as well, which willreally benefit the relationship.
Now I would encourage you to goback also to episode number 10,
where I talk about journalingand you can go to my living the
real.com/journal template.
If you want to download it whereI have a series of questions,
you can do one, two times a day,that leads you through my
living, the real mess for livinga more real life in a context of
(23:54):
discovery.
Really looking for the things inlife that are opportunities and
gifts.
They're not going to happen on aconveyor belt.
You're not gonna see theminstinctually yet.
You've got to practice this.
So you need to begin journalingand broader perspective than
just the individual person hemight be critical with and
incorporate the habits oflooking for the gifts in your
(24:18):
life and the difficult momentsof your life in a habit.
So check it out, go to episode10, listen to it, check out my
template.
Begin using that template toshape and form your life.
To see life as gift, practicemeditation.
What an awesome thing I've beendoing.
It's been changing me more andmore.
The more practice.
(24:39):
It, it doesn't rid myself of myemotions, but it allows me not
to be controlled by them.
That's all.
And what a gift that is in ofitself and prayer.
If you're a person of prayer,praying daily, To get out of
yourself and into some one whois beyond yourself.
And I mentioned all this stuffabout fear and we don't want to
(25:00):
live in fear, but I want to makethe caveat real.
That fear is not some vice in ofitself.
That fear is an imitationtowards vulnerability and
connection.
This is one thing where I've runaway from so many times I've got
afraid from one reason oranother.
I get fearful and I just wannaovercome it because fear is bad.
Fear is bad.
If you live by fear.
(25:22):
The fear is wonderful.
If it allows you to move towardsability and connection, that's
its purpose.
Of course, if you need to if thesnowball's gotten so big out of
control, then you know, what'stough.
It's Sanford counseling.
I've been down that road so manytimes, and then you do it
(25:42):
because life is too short to sitin, wonder and wish for a better
life.
You've got to be active.
And journaling can take you along way to five, to one,
getting people around your life,where supportive and assuring is
an incredibly big part of yourlife.
Putting a container around yournegativity is indispensable, but
sometimes counseling is anecessity.
(26:05):
And then finally find where thisstuff is coming from.
This fear this dread, thisanxiety, it didn't come out of a
vacuum.
This is where we, again, go backto episode 21, go back to that
pyramid.
I talk about is behavioralpyramid and work through that
pyramid of experience, emotions,thoughts, beliefs, actions, the
(26:30):
tip of the pyramid results,right?
Our outcomes, and some suck andsome are great.
Where do those outcomes comefrom your actions, where your
actions come from, guess whatyour beliefs about yourself,
your capacity, your incapacity,where do your beliefs come from?
Where they come from?
Your thought processes.
Where's your thoughts come fromfrom your emotions and where
your emotions come from?
(26:50):
Those experiences at the heartof everything is our
experiences.
Our experiences shape us.
We did go back and say, whatexperiences in my life did I
have?
That's made me feel, act, behavethis way.
They need to change.
And hold on.
If you want to go in, check outmy newsletter, go live in the
real.com.
Scroll to the bottom center fannewsletter so that when living
(27:12):
the real Academy opens, you canbe one of the first to join the
Academy and to really strive tolive the most real life.
Cause it does not happen bydrifting.
We've got to take initiative anddo it.
And this is what I want to helpyou.
To do.
I hope you got some tips of whatyou're gonna do this week to
live the most real lifepossible.
Maybe it is just journalingabout that one person you just
(27:35):
can't think kindly about, andyou're going to find the gold
and that person is going tochange you more than it's going
to change them.
Because now your heart's goingto be lighter.
You're going to see brighterdays and you're gonna see
yourself in a brighter light.
Okay, have a wonderful week.
I will see you next episode.
Take care and bye-bye thank youfor listening to this episode of
(27:58):
living the real.
If you want to check out moreinformation, go to living the
real.com and sign up for mynewsletter.
If you want to support thispodcast, you do that at
patrion.com/ltr as well asone-time payments at Venmo and
PayPal in the show notes.
See you all next episode.
Take care.
Bye-bye.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.