March 30, 2021 • 24 mins
In this episode, I take you behind the "coaching curtain" to show you a powerful perspective exercise I walk my clients through to help them get behind the bad habits that keep them from the results they want for their life. Then we reflect on the three lessons to begin getting the results you want.
Please consider supporting this podcast:
- Give monthly (as little as $5 a month) on our Patreon Page - https://www.patreon.com/ltr
- Give a one time gift through Venmo at @mattboettger
- Give a one time gift through PayPal here - https://paypal.me/mattboettger
Things Discussed In Episode:
- Meetup.com
- The Ideal Praise to Criticism Ratio
- The Power of Moments by Chip and Dan Heath
- Episode 009 of Living the Real
- Maintenance Checklist FREE Download
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Matt Boettger (00:00):
Do all your actions lead to results.
I ask this question often to thestudents at the University of
Colorado in Boulder, where Iwork.
And generally the answer is no,not all my actions lead to
results.
The correct answer is that yes.
All of your actions, my actions,our actions lead to results.
(00:20):
Sometimes they lead to good onesand sometimes they lead to bad
ones.
And so the question is how wouldwe live a life by which we have
way more good results over thatof bad results.
So we need to ask ourselves thebigger question then is where do
our results come from?
And as you already probablyknow, they come from action.
(00:40):
They come from our actions, ouractions lead to results.
So today's episode is all aboutthe three lessons.
Towards having the results youwant for in your life and how a
particular kind of pyramid was.
You're gonna have to hang on to.
And this is a good one.
This is not the pyramid schemethat you hate.
This is a legit pyramid that canactually transform your life and
give you something to reflectupon.
So you can start getting betterresults in your life.
(01:02):
Right now.
You want to listen up.
So here's to living the mostreal life possible this week, by
having better results startingthis week, let's get going.
Are you living the most reallife possible?
(01:22):
I ask myself this question allthe time.
Most of the time, the answer isI just don't know, but sometimes
the answer is definitely not.
This is why I have this podcast.
Hi, I'm Matt and welcome to theshow.
Two small things.
If you get a chance, pleaseleave a review like on Apple
podcasts and also check out mywebsite, live in the real.com
(01:44):
where I offer lots of resourceson how to live the most real
life possible now on with theshow.
Matt (01:52):
Okay.
So we know that all of youractions lead to results.
And so we're going to focus onthis idea of action, right?
My action of eating crap leadsto the result of me getting a
bigger belly and highercholesterol.
That's obvious, but where do wego from here?
Is there something beyond oractions that can help us or do
we just simply have to refineour actions to get the results
(02:16):
that we want?
Why on earth do I choose theactions I choose?
Why do I gravitate towards thepotato chips?
Now a lot of that could be badhabits, but I want to take you
through an exercise called thispyramid that I think can really
transform your life.
I use this and have used it withmyself.
Which has been a game changerfor me is at least one of my
elements for trying to get thebetter results I want for my
(02:39):
life.
And I've used it with thecoaching I've done, and it's
been one of the favorite thingspeople have actually walked
through in their own life.
And then I've walked throughwith them.
So I want to talk and go throughthis pyramid.
If the top of the pyramid isresults, right?
We have the results of having agood life or a bad life.
Having a good relationship, abad relationship, a good job, a
bad job, a good collegeexperience, a bad college
(03:02):
experience.
All of these results come fromour particular actions, but then
where do our actions come from?
That is the second layer down onthe pyramid.
If results is at the top, thesecond one below that is
actions.
But then what's below that.
Now I want to take you throughthis journey.
I want you to walk through andI'll give you an example to help
you concretize it in your ownlife.
(03:23):
And then give you a fewapplications that you can right
now this week, start workingtowards better results in your
life, and living the most reallife possible.
So what's below actions.
Actions, below that are ourbeliefs.
It is our beliefs that fuel ouractions.
What are the beliefs that areforming my actions?
(03:43):
And below that, then our beliefscome from what our thoughts, our
thought processes, how we thinkthrough things.
And then below that our thoughtscome from our feelings, how we
feel.
And then below that, the lowestpart of the pyramid, is our
experiences.
Now, this is important.
This is the most importantthing.
If you really want to changeyour life, if you really want to
(04:07):
have better results in yourlife, however, you see that in
the context of your life, thenthe starting point and the
ending point really isexperience.
If you change the actions,you're just nipping at the
leaves.
If you change your beliefs,you're still not quite at the
depths.
Even your thoughts and yourfeelings, even though that is
going really down deep.
(04:28):
It is are experiences that shapethe way we live our life.
The way we believe and see aboutourselves.
And we believe what is possiblewith ourselves and work from
that.
So I'm going to go through thisexercise of results coming from
action.
Our actions coming in from ourbeliefs, our beliefs coming from
(04:49):
our thoughts.
Our thoughts coming from ourfeelings and our feelings coming
from our experiences.
And walk you through this as anexample.
So you can see it in real life.
So let's take this through maybea general story of my own life.
Now I know that within my ownlife and my own circles, I
really can cause a decent amountof hurt and people's lives.
(05:10):
A result.
This isn't a fun one that I wantto talk about.
A decent amount of pain and hurtand people's life from my lack
of being honest, especially inthe time of conflict, when I
feel like I have been harmed orhurt or I'm angry, or I'm just
P.O.'d instead of going to thatperson and trying to find
healing and reconciliation, Ibottle it up.
(05:31):
I don't talk about it.
And then the result is I end upbecoming removed, disconnected.
So, what happens?
I have relationships in my lifeand some have actually been hurt
by this or the actions that ledto that, that first step away
from my results.
Obviously I don't tell peoplewhen they hurt me, I keep it to
myself.
And then what happens then I actin a different way.
(05:53):
I become passive aggressive.
That sucks.
And then what happens after thenight I start becoming
disconnected to the person.
I start taking a step back fromthem.
And I've learned this.
We're in talk about that in justa second.
Those are my actions, but I justcan't stop there.
Why, why am I acting this way?
It comes from a different kindof belief.
(06:13):
And the belief that's fueling myactions is,"I believe that I'll
get over it.
Don't worry.
It isn't worth getting into."These are my beliefs.
It's not worth it.
They'll just get P.O.'d.
They're just going to get angry,so I'm not going to bring it up.
If it happens again, I'll bringit up.
That's my belief.
It's the second time.
And then whenever it happens asecond time, it's the third
time.
And then, I have a belief thatmaking someone else feel bad,
(06:34):
it's just not good.
It's not, that's not a lovingthing to do.
So those are my beliefs thatfuel my action.
And now what I call between thispyramid, right?
Results, action, beliefs.
There's this gap.
And behind the gap is the nextlevel down in the pyramid, a
little bit wider stepping stone.
And that is the thoughts.
Now, everything above this gap,belief, actions, results lead
(06:57):
upward towards your results,your beliefs fuel your actions,
your actions fuel your results.
And then below this line, thisgap in the pyramid goes the
other way.
So your thoughts gravitatetowards your experience.
What do I mean by this?
So now my thoughts are, I can'tbelieve they did that to me.
I feel like I'm always beingused They're so insensitive.
(07:21):
They don't understand how hardmy life is already Man, they
have it so easy.
Do they think I'm stupid orsomething?" And what are these
attached to?
Emotions.
My emotions are (07:31):
anger, sadness, and maybe even shame by the
circumstance.
And then finally at the base ofthe pyramid, what's the
experience that actuallylaunched all of this.
It was someone who maybecriticized me in public, harmed
me, or hurt me in some way.
And so I responded emotionally.
The first thing we experience isemotion from experience from the
(07:51):
world.
When we experience something,the first thing we feel or think
it's emotion.
And then from that emotion, wehave thoughts.
And then from those thoughtsbegin to build beliefs about
what we're going to do, whichfuels the action, which leads to
the result.
This is such a powerfulreflection and to be used and
reflecting back of like, why amI in the place that I am right
(08:13):
now?
I don't want to be here.
Why do I do the thing I do notwant to do over and over and
over again.
This will require a little bitof reflection.
It's about changing yourresults, your bad habits and
your relationships and your workwith your own life.
How you think about yourself.
And going through this pyramid,understanding that your results
is just the tip of the iceberg.
(08:35):
And that you've got to go andreframe the experiences.
Now in light of this pyramidthat I'm given to you right now,
I want you to use this week as areflection point, journaling
about why you do what you do.
And I'm going to do the samething.
I'm going to take this week inthe same way to use this pyramid
in a specific way, on a coupleof big issues I'm having in my
life right now to help find asolution, to see where in the
(08:57):
core of my life am I operatingfrom that needs to be changed,
rehabilitated, restored, give anew meaning and purpose.
So the three lessons I want togive to you in this, that
revolves around this pyramid.
Lesson, number one (09:12):
change your present.
When it comes to changing yourresults, the first thing you
need to do it, change yourpresent.
Want to change the trajectory ofyour life?
Change your experiences.
You're the average of the peopleyou hang out with.
If you hang out with people whodo not inspire you, who are
(09:32):
constantly negative, you'regoing to become that.
You need to change yourexperiences, your present
circumstances, so that you canthen move up the pyramid into
new kind of emotions and newthoughts, new beliefs, new
actions and new results.
If you're in an environmentwhich is pulling you down,
(09:54):
you're not going to be able torise to the top and be the best
version of yourself.
So you need to first andforemost remove those
relationships, those unhealthyrelationships in your life.
Here's a huge caveat.
There may be people in your lifewere very close to you.
Deep friends, family members,moms, dads, brothers, sisters,
(10:19):
spouses, that you just can'tremove from your life.
You just can't do that unlessit's actually a deep violation.
It's a different one.
It actually been abused likethat.
But in a general sense, you justcan't uproot them.
So how do you deal in thatcircumstance?
I'm thinking about this idea bywhich they say that for every
critical judgment that's givento you, there needs to be six
(10:42):
compliments to restore that.
So roughly a six to one.
So I'm going to take this andthen give you this as a task.
That if there are some people inyour life that are maybe some
Debbie Downers, a little bitnegative, toxic, right?
Then I want you to pursue a sixto one relationship to balance
that out and find six people forevery one relationship that you
(11:03):
have to be close to that may notbe the most inspiring
relationship.
To then help you rise above theoccasion and start achieving
better and richer experiences,which will lead to profound,
emotional thoughts.
Beliefs actions and change theresults of your life.
This is really important.
Find them now.
How do you do this?
(11:23):
One thing I really encourage youis go on either Facebook Groups
go to meetup.com, which isawesome.
You can find all these differentgroups by which you can insert
yourself into that fit aparticular desire.
Where you want to be in yourlife and meet with them
regularly, whether it's virtual,still in the pandemic or going
in person as well.
But go to meetup.com, finding aFacebook Group that you can
(11:45):
associate with that will inspireyou and lift you up.
There's another thing calledcircle.
It's just starting to rise tothe top a little bit that a lot
of entrepreneurs and people areusing to help bring the sense of
community for inspiration andencouragement.
Find these this week.
Find someplace to raise you upand change your current
experiences.
The bottom of the pyramid.
(12:07):
Now number two, the secondlesson I want to give to you: is
that you just can't stop therebecause the problems that we are
a kind of a summation of ourpast.
The experience I just related toyou like those steps of how I
can be a little bit removed anddisconnected and passive
aggressive and not bring up myhurts to people.
Doesn't come just from thoseunique circumstances, those
(12:28):
unique events.
They come from a rich past,that's built a really bad habit.
So lesson number two (12:35):
Not only do you need to change your
present and work on that rightnow, you've got to rewire your
past.
You have to rewire your past ifyou want different results.
Because you've got to reframethe experiences of your past
life, 10 years ago, five yearsago, 15 years ago, 20 years ago,
whatever it may be to give ithealing.
(12:55):
We've got to rewire a pastexperience so they become your
advocate rather than youradversary.
So I want you to reflect uponyour life experiences, what
shaped your thoughts through thepyramid?
For me, going through thatpyramid, what was the
experiences that shaped my life,that brought me to his point of
(13:16):
these results.
Well, I was brought up in apeople pleasing home.
I was brought up in a placewhere anger and frustration
wasn't really provided or wereopen to.
It was more passive-aggressiveness, shut down
,disconnect.
These were the things you didwhen someone made you angry.
(13:36):
So ofcourse I'm reacting thisway.
So then what emotions?
I get anger.
What thoughts surfaced?
People frustrated me and made meangry.
How did my beliefs begin toform?
Clearly by my family and thepeople around me that bringing
up things that are bad is notgood.
It's not loving.
Just allow it to drift away, letit rub off your shoulder.
(14:00):
Of course, that doesn't helpbecause that's not
vulnerability.
That's just removing yourselffrom the relationship, or taking
a huge chunk of yourself out ofthe relationship, and only being
partially available.
All these things didn't help meat all.
And these are the experiences ofmy life that I began to form
thoughts and beliefs, which ledto my actions.
And I'm still struggling deeplyto this day to rewire those.
(14:24):
And this pyramid has been reallyhelpful to help me see those
areas more intimately and touchthem again and begin to rewire
them and reframe thoseexperience.
In my past to realize that wasnot the right response.
These experiences I'm havingmeans that I, the belief I need
to have is I need to bringforward in my life, my
vulnerability, my hurt, becausethat is actually the most loving
(14:47):
thing I could do, becauseotherwise you disconnect.
And you don't want to disconnectfrom the people you love.
So focusing on the thoughts,especially the gap between the
beliefs and the thoughts, causethat's the rich part.
You have these beliefs that fuelyour action and your result.
And just below that, yourthoughts between those two is
(15:08):
this gap by which we end updistorting the truth or
uplifting the truth.
And in my past I distorted it.
I had these thoughts.
I'm angry and beliefs and thebeliefs were: saying something
is unloving.
I'll just get over it.
These are not the right beliefs.
(15:28):
They are a distortion I need tountwist in my own life.
How do I do this?
I don't know.
It's complicated.
I can give you one thing thatstarted to work for me a little
bit, and that is creatingaffirmations that oppose the
wounds in my life.
I mentioned one of the beliefsthat have had a twisted that is
not loving to bring these thingsup.
(15:50):
That is a twisting of the truth.
That I'm not lovable when Ibring up my hurts.
So what I do is I find anaffirmation that's the opposite.
And I say it to myself everyday.
So what's the opposite of that,that twisting.
That is expressing my feelingsbrings about lasting and loving
(16:11):
change for everyone around me.
That's the truth.
I need to tell myself that everyday to give me the
encouragement, to lean intovulnerability and get the
results that I want for my life,which is connection, not
disconnection.
But that's not the only thingthat I need to do.
Because affirmation is great,but it's just the first step
that's changing the mindset.
(16:32):
But I'm still not gonna reallymove forward.
I might feel better aboutmyself, but I'm not doing
anything better.
This is where I refer back togoing to episode number nine of
living the real right.
I gave you that maintenance freechecklist.
So check it out.
It's a free checklist, amaintenance checklist.
Why is it so important in thisparticular moment?
Because for me, I worked bysystems and that may feel really
(16:55):
weird to you, but when I'm in adeep rut, I need to find a
step-by-step really small,incremental way to get out of
that rut.
Anything too big I'm paralyzedimmediately.
And so I have to create a systemfor myself that's going to work
for myself to get out of thisrut this bad result that fuels
(17:15):
and gives teeth to myaffirmation.
Go back, listen to episode nine.
It is so worthwhile.
I'm not going to regurgitate ithere because it has everything
you need there about how todevelop a system, to work
yourself out of a rutstep-by-step with a free
checklist to help you get thereso that when you feel that
affirmation, when you realizethat this is not who you're
(17:37):
called to be, then you'veactually got the steps that are
actually perfect for you.
That's small enough to slowlyouch your way into changing the
way you live your life.
We never drift that way.
We're not going to actually getthere by affirmations.
Affirmations are an incrediblefirst building block, but you
need the system in place thatworks for you, that gets you out
(18:00):
of it.
Again, go back to episode nine,download the checklist.
You're not going to regret.
That was lesson number two.
So we talked about the present.
We talked about rewiring thepast.
Now the final one.
Lesson number three (18:14):
create new, powerful experiences for
yourself.
Change the ones that you haveright now, rewire the ones in
your past, and I reallyencourage you to begin to
intentionally create powerfulexperiences that lead to more
profound results.
The ones that you want.
The best thing I can recommendfor this is read the Power of
(18:37):
Moments by Chip and Dan Heath.
This was an incredible book forme.
It's all about how momentshappen.
How do we remember certainthings and not others?
Because certain things that weremember created a moment by
which it made this indelibleseal in our mind and our heart
in her soul.
And he called these three typesof moments, peaks, pits, and
(18:57):
transitions.
Peaks being when our milestonesare commemorated, these
celebratory events.
Pits, when we fill the pits inour life becomes a moment, or
the pit itself becomes a moment,a bad moment.
And then transitions when westruggle through transitions.
And oftentimes it is thetransitions that need to be
(19:18):
marked as a transition to makethem memorable.
This is why there's a ritual inlife.
I remember being in Boy Scoutsand having these milestones in
our life and our member, themilestones.
I remember the crazy weirdrituals of Boy Scouts.
They were awesome and they werefun.
And I realized, man, howimportant it is.
If you have a family to haverituals as milestones in the
(19:40):
children's life but help them toremember the profound momentsin
their life.
The more mundane it is, the lesswe're going to remember.
And when we struggle in thesetransitions, we need to create
defining moments that divide theold and the new me, or you.
When we're struggling totransition to something we got
to do something that says, thisis the old me, and this is the
(20:02):
new me.
That's why ritual stems comes into say, this is a demarcation by
which everything previously isnot part of me anymore.
Everything on the other side,this transition, this ritual,
this, whatever it is is the newme.
When you're struggling withtransition strive to create a
moment by which you divide in aconcrete moment in time, the old
(20:23):
and new you.
These are important.
Create these moments.
Read the book, I'll put it inthe show notes, get it for
yourself in audible, or read ityourself, the book physically or
on Kindle.
They talk about the fourcriteria to create a moment.
The four criteria to create amoment for yourself, for anyone
is elevation.
Anything that is elevated beyondthe norm, right?
(20:44):
How do we create this?
We can boost sensory appeal,raise the stakes in something,
break the script, do somethingthat elevates the normal humdrum
of life to create a moment.
Number two (20:53):
Bring insight into the moment.
This moment, by what you tripover the truth, there's, you're
stretched and insight there'snewness that comes into the
picture that makes it anindelible seal of Oh, I remember
when I had this moment and Irealized this.
Insight, Third criteria, pride.
Man, I can do this.
I feel good about myself.
Right?
(21:14):
I can remember when I went to myfirst mission trip in New York
city, way back when, and justserving the people in the
streets and I can't forget aparticular moment where I was
talking to a homeless person whojust got out of prison and just
the connection.
Man, and recognizing that personbefore me, that was incredible,
which relates to the last, whichis connection.
Create a shared meaning, deepenties to someone, make moments
(21:36):
matter.
Having this an unexplicableconnection with someone.
And the more criteria you havein a moment, the greater the
chance that you create a truepowerful experience that
transforms your life and neverleaves you.
One criteria is okay.
All four, it's a powerfulmoment.
So I encourage you with thethree lessons today.
First, work through the pyramidin your own experiences in your
(21:58):
own life to see where yourresults are coming from in a
descriptive way.
Those things that you wish youdidn't do.
Come on, go deeper.
Find where it's coming from andchange that.
How?
By changing your present.
Look around you.
Take inventory.
Is your house cluttered by whichit is just distracting.
Does it make you hopeful?
All these things are importantto cultivate your present, so
(22:21):
that it inspires you tosomething great.
Rewire your past.
This is the time by which youlook at where you're working
from and rewire it, and changeit by offering affirmations to
heal you, and create a system toovercome the bad results in your
life.
And finally bring new momentsinto your life.
New experiences, powerfulexperience that transform your
(22:41):
life So give it a chance thisweek.
Work through this.
Find one thing in your life, onething in your life, you're like,
yeah, I just am not settled withthis.
I just don't like the way I endup living my life this way, and
work through these exercisesFind the right people, get in a
meetup group, rewire your past,at least start by journaling
about it.
(23:02):
Discover your past so that itdoesn't haunt you in your
present and keep you from apowerful future.
And right now, create a momentthis week.
Do something fun.
Get out of your routine, elevateyour week.
Bring some new insight with agood book.
Get some pride.
Step out and do somethingcourageous and connect.
(23:26):
Connect with your spouse, yourfriend in a way that's powerful
and beautiful.
I hope you have a great week.
And I'll see you next episode.
Take care and bye-bye.
Thank you for listening to thisepisode of living the real.
If you want to check out moreinformation, go to living the
real.com and sign up for mynewsletter.
If you want to support thispodcast, you do that at
(23:46):
patrion.com/ltr as well asone-time payments at Venmo and
PayPal in the show notes.
See you all next episode.
Take care.
Bye-bye
Do all your actions lead to results.
I ask this question often to thestudents at the University of
Colorado in Boulder, where Iwork.
And generally the answer is no,not all my actions lead to
results.
The correct answer is that yes.
All of your actions, my actions,our actions lead to results.
(00:20):
Sometimes they lead to good onesand sometimes they lead to bad
ones.
And so the question is how wouldwe live a life by which we have
way more good results over thatof bad results.
So we need to ask ourselves thebigger question then is where do
our results come from?
And as you already probablyknow, they come from action.
(00:40):
They come from our actions, ouractions lead to results.
So today's episode is all aboutthe three lessons.
Towards having the results youwant for in your life and how a
particular kind of pyramid was.
You're gonna have to hang on to.
And this is a good one.
This is not the pyramid schemethat you hate.
This is a legit pyramid that canactually transform your life and
give you something to reflectupon.
So you can start getting betterresults in your life.
(01:02):
Right now.
You want to listen up.
So here's to living the mostreal life possible this week, by
having better results startingthis week, let's get going.
Are you living the most reallife possible?
(01:22):
I ask myself this question allthe time.
Most of the time, the answer isI just don't know, but sometimes
the answer is definitely not.
This is why I have this podcast.
Hi, I'm Matt and welcome to theshow.
Two small things.
If you get a chance, pleaseleave a review like on Apple
podcasts and also check out mywebsite, live in the real.com
(01:44):
where I offer lots of resourceson how to live the most real
life possible now on with theshow.
Matt (01:52):
Okay.
So we know that all of youractions lead to results.
And so we're going to focus onthis idea of action, right?
My action of eating crap leadsto the result of me getting a
bigger belly and highercholesterol.
That's obvious, but where do wego from here?
Is there something beyond oractions that can help us or do
we just simply have to refineour actions to get the results
(02:16):
that we want?
Why on earth do I choose theactions I choose?
Why do I gravitate towards thepotato chips?
Now a lot of that could be badhabits, but I want to take you
through an exercise called thispyramid that I think can really
transform your life.
I use this and have used it withmyself.
Which has been a game changerfor me is at least one of my
elements for trying to get thebetter results I want for my
(02:39):
life.
And I've used it with thecoaching I've done, and it's
been one of the favorite thingspeople have actually walked
through in their own life.
And then I've walked throughwith them.
So I want to talk and go throughthis pyramid.
If the top of the pyramid isresults, right?
We have the results of having agood life or a bad life.
Having a good relationship, abad relationship, a good job, a
bad job, a good collegeexperience, a bad college
(03:02):
experience.
All of these results come fromour particular actions, but then
where do our actions come from?
That is the second layer down onthe pyramid.
If results is at the top, thesecond one below that is
actions.
But then what's below that.
Now I want to take you throughthis journey.
I want you to walk through andI'll give you an example to help
you concretize it in your ownlife.
(03:23):
And then give you a fewapplications that you can right
now this week, start workingtowards better results in your
life, and living the most reallife possible.
So what's below actions.
Actions, below that are ourbeliefs.
It is our beliefs that fuel ouractions.
What are the beliefs that areforming my actions?
(03:43):
And below that, then our beliefscome from what our thoughts, our
thought processes, how we thinkthrough things.
And then below that our thoughtscome from our feelings, how we
feel.
And then below that, the lowestpart of the pyramid, is our
experiences.
Now, this is important.
This is the most importantthing.
If you really want to changeyour life, if you really want to
(04:07):
have better results in yourlife, however, you see that in
the context of your life, thenthe starting point and the
ending point really isexperience.
If you change the actions,you're just nipping at the
leaves.
If you change your beliefs,you're still not quite at the
depths.
Even your thoughts and yourfeelings, even though that is
going really down deep.
(04:28):
It is are experiences that shapethe way we live our life.
The way we believe and see aboutourselves.
And we believe what is possiblewith ourselves and work from
that.
So I'm going to go through thisexercise of results coming from
action.
Our actions coming in from ourbeliefs, our beliefs coming from
(04:49):
our thoughts.
Our thoughts coming from ourfeelings and our feelings coming
from our experiences.
And walk you through this as anexample.
So you can see it in real life.
So let's take this through maybea general story of my own life.
Now I know that within my ownlife and my own circles, I
really can cause a decent amountof hurt and people's lives.
(05:10):
A result.
This isn't a fun one that I wantto talk about.
A decent amount of pain and hurtand people's life from my lack
of being honest, especially inthe time of conflict, when I
feel like I have been harmed orhurt or I'm angry, or I'm just
P.O.'d instead of going to thatperson and trying to find
healing and reconciliation, Ibottle it up.
(05:31):
I don't talk about it.
And then the result is I end upbecoming removed, disconnected.
So, what happens?
I have relationships in my lifeand some have actually been hurt
by this or the actions that ledto that, that first step away
from my results.
Obviously I don't tell peoplewhen they hurt me, I keep it to
myself.
And then what happens then I actin a different way.
(05:53):
I become passive aggressive.
That sucks.
And then what happens after thenight I start becoming
disconnected to the person.
I start taking a step back fromthem.
And I've learned this.
We're in talk about that in justa second.
Those are my actions, but I justcan't stop there.
Why, why am I acting this way?
It comes from a different kindof belief.
(06:13):
And the belief that's fueling myactions is,"I believe that I'll
get over it.
Don't worry.
It isn't worth getting into."These are my beliefs.
It's not worth it.
They'll just get P.O.'d.
They're just going to get angry,so I'm not going to bring it up.
If it happens again, I'll bringit up.
That's my belief.
It's the second time.
And then whenever it happens asecond time, it's the third
time.
And then, I have a belief thatmaking someone else feel bad,
(06:34):
it's just not good.
It's not, that's not a lovingthing to do.
So those are my beliefs thatfuel my action.
And now what I call between thispyramid, right?
Results, action, beliefs.
There's this gap.
And behind the gap is the nextlevel down in the pyramid, a
little bit wider stepping stone.
And that is the thoughts.
Now, everything above this gap,belief, actions, results lead
(06:57):
upward towards your results,your beliefs fuel your actions,
your actions fuel your results.
And then below this line, thisgap in the pyramid goes the
other way.
So your thoughts gravitatetowards your experience.
What do I mean by this?
So now my thoughts are, I can'tbelieve they did that to me.
I feel like I'm always beingused They're so insensitive.
(07:21):
They don't understand how hardmy life is already Man, they
have it so easy.
Do they think I'm stupid orsomething?" And what are these
attached to?
Emotions.
My emotions are (07:31):
anger, sadness, and maybe even shame by the
circumstance.
And then finally at the base ofthe pyramid, what's the
experience that actuallylaunched all of this.
It was someone who maybecriticized me in public, harmed
me, or hurt me in some way.
And so I responded emotionally.
The first thing we experience isemotion from experience from the
(07:51):
world.
When we experience something,the first thing we feel or think
it's emotion.
And then from that emotion, wehave thoughts.
And then from those thoughtsbegin to build beliefs about
what we're going to do, whichfuels the action, which leads to
the result.
This is such a powerfulreflection and to be used and
reflecting back of like, why amI in the place that I am right
(08:13):
now?
I don't want to be here.
Why do I do the thing I do notwant to do over and over and
over again.
This will require a little bitof reflection.
It's about changing yourresults, your bad habits and
your relationships and your workwith your own life.
How you think about yourself.
And going through this pyramid,understanding that your results
is just the tip of the iceberg.
(08:35):
And that you've got to go andreframe the experiences.
Now in light of this pyramidthat I'm given to you right now,
I want you to use this week as areflection point, journaling
about why you do what you do.
And I'm going to do the samething.
I'm going to take this week inthe same way to use this pyramid
in a specific way, on a coupleof big issues I'm having in my
life right now to help find asolution, to see where in the
(08:57):
core of my life am I operatingfrom that needs to be changed,
rehabilitated, restored, give anew meaning and purpose.
So the three lessons I want togive to you in this, that
revolves around this pyramid.
Lesson, number one (09:12):
change your present.
When it comes to changing yourresults, the first thing you
need to do it, change yourpresent.
Want to change the trajectory ofyour life?
Change your experiences.
You're the average of the peopleyou hang out with.
If you hang out with people whodo not inspire you, who are
(09:32):
constantly negative, you'regoing to become that.
You need to change yourexperiences, your present
circumstances, so that you canthen move up the pyramid into
new kind of emotions and newthoughts, new beliefs, new
actions and new results.
If you're in an environmentwhich is pulling you down,
(09:54):
you're not going to be able torise to the top and be the best
version of yourself.
So you need to first andforemost remove those
relationships, those unhealthyrelationships in your life.
Here's a huge caveat.
There may be people in your lifewere very close to you.
Deep friends, family members,moms, dads, brothers, sisters,
(10:19):
spouses, that you just can'tremove from your life.
You just can't do that unlessit's actually a deep violation.
It's a different one.
It actually been abused likethat.
But in a general sense, you justcan't uproot them.
So how do you deal in thatcircumstance?
I'm thinking about this idea bywhich they say that for every
critical judgment that's givento you, there needs to be six
(10:42):
compliments to restore that.
So roughly a six to one.
So I'm going to take this andthen give you this as a task.
That if there are some people inyour life that are maybe some
Debbie Downers, a little bitnegative, toxic, right?
Then I want you to pursue a sixto one relationship to balance
that out and find six people forevery one relationship that you
(11:03):
have to be close to that may notbe the most inspiring
relationship.
To then help you rise above theoccasion and start achieving
better and richer experiences,which will lead to profound,
emotional thoughts.
Beliefs actions and change theresults of your life.
This is really important.
Find them now.
How do you do this?
(11:23):
One thing I really encourage youis go on either Facebook Groups
go to meetup.com, which isawesome.
You can find all these differentgroups by which you can insert
yourself into that fit aparticular desire.
Where you want to be in yourlife and meet with them
regularly, whether it's virtual,still in the pandemic or going
in person as well.
But go to meetup.com, finding aFacebook Group that you can
(11:45):
associate with that will inspireyou and lift you up.
There's another thing calledcircle.
It's just starting to rise tothe top a little bit that a lot
of entrepreneurs and people areusing to help bring the sense of
community for inspiration andencouragement.
Find these this week.
Find someplace to raise you upand change your current
experiences.
The bottom of the pyramid.
(12:07):
Now number two, the secondlesson I want to give to you: is
that you just can't stop therebecause the problems that we are
a kind of a summation of ourpast.
The experience I just related toyou like those steps of how I
can be a little bit removed anddisconnected and passive
aggressive and not bring up myhurts to people.
Doesn't come just from thoseunique circumstances, those
(12:28):
unique events.
They come from a rich past,that's built a really bad habit.
So lesson number two (12:35):
Not only do you need to change your
present and work on that rightnow, you've got to rewire your
past.
You have to rewire your past ifyou want different results.
Because you've got to reframethe experiences of your past
life, 10 years ago, five yearsago, 15 years ago, 20 years ago,
whatever it may be to give ithealing.
(12:55):
We've got to rewire a pastexperience so they become your
advocate rather than youradversary.
So I want you to reflect uponyour life experiences, what
shaped your thoughts through thepyramid?
For me, going through thatpyramid, what was the
experiences that shaped my life,that brought me to his point of
(13:16):
these results.
Well, I was brought up in apeople pleasing home.
I was brought up in a placewhere anger and frustration
wasn't really provided or wereopen to.
It was more passive-aggressiveness, shut down
,disconnect.
These were the things you didwhen someone made you angry.
(13:36):
So ofcourse I'm reacting thisway.
So then what emotions?
I get anger.
What thoughts surfaced?
People frustrated me and made meangry.
How did my beliefs begin toform?
Clearly by my family and thepeople around me that bringing
up things that are bad is notgood.
It's not loving.
Just allow it to drift away, letit rub off your shoulder.
(14:00):
Of course, that doesn't helpbecause that's not
vulnerability.
That's just removing yourselffrom the relationship, or taking
a huge chunk of yourself out ofthe relationship, and only being
partially available.
All these things didn't help meat all.
And these are the experiences ofmy life that I began to form
thoughts and beliefs, which ledto my actions.
And I'm still struggling deeplyto this day to rewire those.
(14:24):
And this pyramid has been reallyhelpful to help me see those
areas more intimately and touchthem again and begin to rewire
them and reframe thoseexperience.
In my past to realize that wasnot the right response.
These experiences I'm havingmeans that I, the belief I need
to have is I need to bringforward in my life, my
vulnerability, my hurt, becausethat is actually the most loving
(14:47):
thing I could do, becauseotherwise you disconnect.
And you don't want to disconnectfrom the people you love.
So focusing on the thoughts,especially the gap between the
beliefs and the thoughts, causethat's the rich part.
You have these beliefs that fuelyour action and your result.
And just below that, yourthoughts between those two is
(15:08):
this gap by which we end updistorting the truth or
uplifting the truth.
And in my past I distorted it.
I had these thoughts.
I'm angry and beliefs and thebeliefs were: saying something
is unloving.
I'll just get over it.
These are not the right beliefs.
(15:28):
They are a distortion I need tountwist in my own life.
How do I do this?
I don't know.
It's complicated.
I can give you one thing thatstarted to work for me a little
bit, and that is creatingaffirmations that oppose the
wounds in my life.
I mentioned one of the beliefsthat have had a twisted that is
not loving to bring these thingsup.
(15:50):
That is a twisting of the truth.
That I'm not lovable when Ibring up my hurts.
So what I do is I find anaffirmation that's the opposite.
And I say it to myself everyday.
So what's the opposite of that,that twisting.
That is expressing my feelingsbrings about lasting and loving
(16:11):
change for everyone around me.
That's the truth.
I need to tell myself that everyday to give me the
encouragement, to lean intovulnerability and get the
results that I want for my life,which is connection, not
disconnection.
But that's not the only thingthat I need to do.
Because affirmation is great,but it's just the first step
that's changing the mindset.
(16:32):
But I'm still not gonna reallymove forward.
I might feel better aboutmyself, but I'm not doing
anything better.
This is where I refer back togoing to episode number nine of
living the real right.
I gave you that maintenance freechecklist.
So check it out.
It's a free checklist, amaintenance checklist.
Why is it so important in thisparticular moment?
Because for me, I worked bysystems and that may feel really
(16:55):
weird to you, but when I'm in adeep rut, I need to find a
step-by-step really small,incremental way to get out of
that rut.
Anything too big I'm paralyzedimmediately.
And so I have to create a systemfor myself that's going to work
for myself to get out of thisrut this bad result that fuels
(17:15):
and gives teeth to myaffirmation.
Go back, listen to episode nine.
It is so worthwhile.
I'm not going to regurgitate ithere because it has everything
you need there about how todevelop a system, to work
yourself out of a rutstep-by-step with a free
checklist to help you get thereso that when you feel that
affirmation, when you realizethat this is not who you're
(17:37):
called to be, then you'veactually got the steps that are
actually perfect for you.
That's small enough to slowlyouch your way into changing the
way you live your life.
We never drift that way.
We're not going to actually getthere by affirmations.
Affirmations are an incrediblefirst building block, but you
need the system in place thatworks for you, that gets you out
(18:00):
of it.
Again, go back to episode nine,download the checklist.
You're not going to regret.
That was lesson number two.
So we talked about the present.
We talked about rewiring thepast.
Now the final one.
Lesson number three (18:14):
create new, powerful experiences for
yourself.
Change the ones that you haveright now, rewire the ones in
your past, and I reallyencourage you to begin to
intentionally create powerfulexperiences that lead to more
profound results.
The ones that you want.
The best thing I can recommendfor this is read the Power of
(18:37):
Moments by Chip and Dan Heath.
This was an incredible book forme.
It's all about how momentshappen.
How do we remember certainthings and not others?
Because certain things that weremember created a moment by
which it made this indelibleseal in our mind and our heart
in her soul.
And he called these three typesof moments, peaks, pits, and
(18:57):
transitions.
Peaks being when our milestonesare commemorated, these
celebratory events.
Pits, when we fill the pits inour life becomes a moment, or
the pit itself becomes a moment,a bad moment.
And then transitions when westruggle through transitions.
And oftentimes it is thetransitions that need to be
(19:18):
marked as a transition to makethem memorable.
This is why there's a ritual inlife.
I remember being in Boy Scoutsand having these milestones in
our life and our member, themilestones.
I remember the crazy weirdrituals of Boy Scouts.
They were awesome and they werefun.
And I realized, man, howimportant it is.
If you have a family to haverituals as milestones in the
(19:40):
children's life but help them toremember the profound momentsin
their life.
The more mundane it is, the lesswe're going to remember.
And when we struggle in thesetransitions, we need to create
defining moments that divide theold and the new me, or you.
When we're struggling totransition to something we got
to do something that says, thisis the old me, and this is the
(20:02):
new me.
That's why ritual stems comes into say, this is a demarcation by
which everything previously isnot part of me anymore.
Everything on the other side,this transition, this ritual,
this, whatever it is is the newme.
When you're struggling withtransition strive to create a
moment by which you divide in aconcrete moment in time, the old
(20:23):
and new you.
These are important.
Create these moments.
Read the book, I'll put it inthe show notes, get it for
yourself in audible, or read ityourself, the book physically or
on Kindle.
They talk about the fourcriteria to create a moment.
The four criteria to create amoment for yourself, for anyone
is elevation.
Anything that is elevated beyondthe norm, right?
(20:44):
How do we create this?
We can boost sensory appeal,raise the stakes in something,
break the script, do somethingthat elevates the normal humdrum
of life to create a moment.
Number two (20:53):
Bring insight into the moment.
This moment, by what you tripover the truth, there's, you're
stretched and insight there'snewness that comes into the
picture that makes it anindelible seal of Oh, I remember
when I had this moment and Irealized this.
Insight, Third criteria, pride.
Man, I can do this.
I feel good about myself.
Right?
(21:14):
I can remember when I went to myfirst mission trip in New York
city, way back when, and justserving the people in the
streets and I can't forget aparticular moment where I was
talking to a homeless person whojust got out of prison and just
the connection.
Man, and recognizing that personbefore me, that was incredible,
which relates to the last, whichis connection.
Create a shared meaning, deepenties to someone, make moments
(21:36):
matter.
Having this an unexplicableconnection with someone.
And the more criteria you havein a moment, the greater the
chance that you create a truepowerful experience that
transforms your life and neverleaves you.
One criteria is okay.
All four, it's a powerfulmoment.
So I encourage you with thethree lessons today.
First, work through the pyramidin your own experiences in your
(21:58):
own life to see where yourresults are coming from in a
descriptive way.
Those things that you wish youdidn't do.
Come on, go deeper.
Find where it's coming from andchange that.
How?
By changing your present.
Look around you.
Take inventory.
Is your house cluttered by whichit is just distracting.
Does it make you hopeful?
All these things are importantto cultivate your present, so
(22:21):
that it inspires you tosomething great.
Rewire your past.
This is the time by which youlook at where you're working
from and rewire it, and changeit by offering affirmations to
heal you, and create a system toovercome the bad results in your
life.
And finally bring new momentsinto your life.
New experiences, powerfulexperience that transform your
(22:41):
life So give it a chance thisweek.
Work through this.
Find one thing in your life, onething in your life, you're like,
yeah, I just am not settled withthis.
I just don't like the way I endup living my life this way, and
work through these exercisesFind the right people, get in a
meetup group, rewire your past,at least start by journaling
about it.
(23:02):
Discover your past so that itdoesn't haunt you in your
present and keep you from apowerful future.
And right now, create a momentthis week.
Do something fun.
Get out of your routine, elevateyour week.
Bring some new insight with agood book.
Get some pride.
Step out and do somethingcourageous and connect.
(23:26):
Connect with your spouse, yourfriend in a way that's powerful
and beautiful.
I hope you have a great week.
And I'll see you next episode.
Take care and bye-bye.
Thank you for listening to thisepisode of living the real.
If you want to check out moreinformation, go to living the
real.com and sign up for mynewsletter.
If you want to support thispodcast, you do that at
(23:46):
patrion.com/ltr as well asone-time payments at Venmo and
PayPal in the show notes.
See you all next episode.
Take care.
Bye-bye
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.