Exploring the Praise Kink: Call Me "Good Girl"

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Annette Benedetti (00:03):
Hi, this is Annette Finnadetti, your hostess
for a locker room talk andshots, the podcast that likes to
think of itself as the queerNPR of raunchy women's sex talk.
You are about to sit in on thekind of conversations women have
on their girls' nights out orbehind closed doors, while
enjoying delicious drinks anddishing about sex, think, fun,

(00:26):
honest and feminist as fuck, andalways with the goal of
fighting the patriarchy.
One orgasm at a time.
Welcome to the locker room.
Today's locker room talk andshots topic is exploring the
praise kink.

(00:47):
Call me good girl Listeners.
If you've been with me for anytime now, but especially from
the beginning over the pastthree years, you know I've been
exploring my own kinky life,trying to figure out what I'm
all about.
It's been very confusing andfor a long time I really kind of
thought I was primarily intokind of more heavier impact play

(01:08):
, bdsm, restraints, all thatstuff.
But over the last two years,through a lot of exploration
that, as you all know, led me toincredible orgasms that I was
never having before, and thenjust self reflection,
experiences, therapy, I havecome to this conclusion that I

(01:30):
think what I might mostly haveis a praise kink.
Now, just the term praise kinkraises the most obvious question
how is a praise kink differentthan just anyone enjoying being
complimented?
Well, I don't know.
I kind of know, but I don'tknow.
But I do have a guest today whois going to be giving us the

(01:52):
answers we seek when it comes tothe praise kink.
Now, this is a returning guest.
Her name's Lisa Finn.
If you want to check out ourlast podcast together, you're
going to scroll back or headover to YouTube where you're
going to look up cock and balltorture.
Yes, lisa is taking us fromcock and ball torture to praise.

(02:13):
I kind of like the combo.
They definitely hold hands.
Well, yeah, we're going to betalking.
They can hold hands, but wewill be talking about that Now.
Lisa is a Brooklyn based sexeducator for Beyblend and
sibling store Good Vibes.
She has been featured inpublications such as New York
Times, huffington Post, cosmo,forbes, gq and more, and has led

(02:36):
dozens of workshops everywhere,from Ivy Leagues to nightclubs.
Finn absolutely loves helpingfirst timers to feel unashamed,
to explore their curiosities,especially kink, which is why
she's here Leasing humor intoeducation as a reminder that
pleasure should always, always,always always be fun.
Welcome, lisa.
I'm excited for thisconversation, but before we jump

(03:00):
into it, do you want to justgive my listeners a little bit
of a reminder about who you are?

Lisa Finn (03:07):
Yeah, so I mean, you basically summed it up with that
intro, but I am a sex educator.
I've been working for the sexchoice store Beyblend since 2016
.
So, beyond knowledge of kinkand sex education relationships
all of that I'm also a toyexpert.
It is definitely one of themore fun perks of the job.

(03:27):
But, yeah, I'm just so excitedto be able to talk about
something that I feel like hasbeen all over the internet
recently.
I feel like I cannot scrollthrough any social media
platform without somebody typingout good girl and people going
absolutely nuts over it.
So I'm very excited to diveinto this.

Yeah, so I didn't even know praise kink was
a thing until I stumbled overit recently and I'm like I think
that that might be my thing.
But before we move on, guys, Iwant to remind you that you're
most likely, most definitelygoing to want to head over to
YouTube to watch this after youlisten to it.

(04:08):
Before you listen to it,because we will be including the
toolbox that you can use whiledoing this kink.
So I mean, obviously, mostkinks can be done with or
without tools, toys, etc.
But you can always enhance yourplay, and you know that I'm all

(04:29):
about that.
So if you want to see thedemonstrations and the stuff
we're going to be talking about,you can head to YouTube and
it's just a net Benedetti andyou can watch our conversation
and see the implements that weare talking about as we talk
about them.
You're also going to want tostay to the end because, as
always, we have our littlesection of takeaways, and the

(04:51):
takeaway for this podcast reallyis going to be a starter kit.
So we're going to talk aboutwhat it is, what it's all about,
why you might be into it ormight not be into it, and then
how to get started if you wantto dip your toe in the water,
starting tonight or tomorrow.
So I'm having coffee over hereand I am ready to.

(05:12):
And what are you doing overthere?

Lisa Finn (05:14):
Yeah, I've got some pomegranate juice to start.
I do, as always, have whiskeyto finish, but like any good
kink scene, we want to waituntil afterwards to get that
buzz Cheers.

I'm going to start with the most obvious
question, which is what is apraise kink period?

Lisa Finn (05:33):
Yeah.
So the confusion, or, I guess,the misunderstanding, between
what a praise kink is versusliking to be complimented.
Most people like compliments.
They make us feel good, theyuplift us, they make us feel
empowered.
Where it becomes a kink is whenthat compliment gets you roused
.
It gets you going.

(05:53):
It's something that is makingyou horny.
It's something that you have asexual connection to.
It doesn't mean that every timesomebody gives you a compliment
you're going to get wet or geta boner.
It just means that in thiscontext it is erotic.
So with a praise kink it can beeither forgiving or receiving.

(06:13):
So forgiving you like tellingyour partner how good they are.
You like telling them what goodof a job they're doing, how we
like that they moan for you, howthey look when they're spread
out, being possessive of them.
These are all different ways toplay with that and with
receiving a praise kink.
It's maybe that you want to betold how good you look.

(06:35):
You want to be affirmed thatyou're making your partner feel
pleasure.
You want to be affirmed thatwhat you're doing is something
that is good, great even.
And it can have a lot ofdifferent facets to it.
You have your nicknames, yourhonorifics.
We can even play with praiseand degradation, which is very

(06:56):
interesting.
I definitely want to touch onthat at some point, but overall
it's just affirmations andpositive words as something
erotic.

Yet this is where I want to share my
discovery in reflection At thetime I didn't realize it but how
I discovered that I might havea praise kink, and this is
really in reflection.
It was a couple of years agowhen I was starting a new
relationship and it was kind ofbased on BDSM.

(07:29):
But what took me by surprisewas one night, through text,
this individual sent me justthis really affectionate,
praised filled text and the nextthing I knew I was horny as
hell and it shook me a littlebit.
I was like, wow, I just readthis and it wasn't sexy,

(07:52):
necessarily, it wasn't evenabout sex, it was just about,
ultimately, about who I was.
But it was very praise filled.
It was the first time it had soclearly happened to me.
And after that I was like, oh,maybe this is a thing.
And so from there on I'venoticed, oh, I do like being

(08:12):
called good girl, but more so Iam switchy.
I'm like 100% a switch when I'min a dom position.
In reflection now and inpractice, I also recognize I
really love giving praise andseeing the reaction to it.
And so when PraiseKink poppedup in my feed, I was like, oh,

(08:34):
this kind of makes sense to methat this is more than like oh,
I just enjoy compliments andsaying nice things or whatever
right.

Lisa Finn (08:44):
Yeah, you and I have that in common.
So I think that this is gonnabe a really interesting dynamic,
being able to speak to it fromboth perspectives, of loving to
tell our partners how good theyare and loving to hear how good
we are.
So, yeah, it's for a lot ofpeople.
It can pop up in a lot ofdifferent ways.
A lot of people are realizingit through media right now.

(09:06):
I mentioned earlier that it'skind of ubiquitous on certain
parts of like TikTok.
If you are on KinkTalk, if youare on ThirstTrap TikTok any of
that you are going to be gettingvideos of people looking
directly into the camera andcalling you a good girl, a good
boy, a good little pet,something like that.

(09:27):
And for a lot of people theydon't realize that when those
compliments come with thatdirect eye contact, when it's
something that is like thephrase good girl you don't
really often hear that just inlike day-to-day conversation it
does have that heightenedconnotation to it, especially
now.
If someone were to call yougood girl out of context, it

(09:51):
would still raise that flagversus someone saying, oh, you
look so pretty.
That can have sort of thatflipped context.
So, starting off, if you'relistening to this, you're
probably a step ahead.
There's probably something thatyou've heard that has set off
that little thing in your headthat's like, oh, this is
something.
That light bulb went off.

(10:11):
You had that moment, sothinking about what that was and
taking it from there to sort ofbuild off of.
Like I said earlier, there areso many different ways that we
can give and receive praise.
So is it being called anickname?
Is it being called good girl?

(10:32):
Is it being called my littlekitten, my pet?
Is it being called a prettylittle slut?
What is it that does that foryou?
Or is it not necessarily a name?
Not about who you are to thisperson, but about how good of a
job you're doing, or somethinglike how you're doing things,

(10:53):
the actions you are so good at.
Blank, blank, blank.
You do so well when you blank.
For me it could be how you look, how you sound, how you taste.
What element of it is somethingthat you want to hear.
Maybe you don't want to hearanything about your looks.
You just want to hear how goodyou're doing.
You want that affirmation toknow you're making your partner

(11:14):
feel good.
You want that praise in termsof what they're feeling.
So taking it and running fromthere.

So my next question would be how does
someone know they have a praisekink?
What are some signs Like?
Obviously I just shared mystory and that was the first
kind of flag that went up, but Ididn't think at the time, I was
just like, oh yeah well maybe Ireally needed some praise.
What was the thought?
But how would somebody know?

(11:44):
Oh, I have a praise kink.

Lisa Finn (11:46):
Usually it'll start with someone that you're
attracted to.
So maybe it's a partner, maybeit's someone that you find hot
like a celebrity or whatever itis.
Whatever already turns you onHearing that person say
something affectionate, saysomething in that frame of

(12:07):
praise or adoration, evenworship.
If that's something that, assoon as that comes out of their
mouth, you feel that chill downand respond.
You feel yourself just wantingto hear that again.
You want to know what you cando to hear that again.
You want to pull that andelicit it however you want.
Maybe you were having anon-heated, non-sexual

(12:29):
conversation with someone thatyou were sexually attracted to
or someone that you already havesome sort of a sexual or
intimate relationship with, andin that moment that they said
something, it again sort of hadthat moment of oh God, that was
really hot.
I did not expect that.
But here we are.

And I read something interesting about the
praise kink and I'm curiousabout your thought on this.
I read that people who have thelove language of words of
affection as one of their toplove languages are more likely
to have a relationship or have apraise kink.

(13:12):
I am number one, number onelove language for me, Like I'm a
word girl, just like.
Give them to me give them to me, so what are your thoughts on
that?

Lisa Finn (13:25):
Yeah, absolutely.
Words of affirmation as well asacts of service.
This could be a verbal act ofservice.
So words of affirmation justbeing that you like to hear,
just no questions asked.
This is something that is beingexplicitly stated to you that
you are something positive tothe person that is giving you

(13:48):
these words, or that you want totell your person how positive
your interaction or yourrelationship is.
So, providing those words ofaffirmation, having that level
of really making sure that theother one is aware, it's about
that awareness.
It's about using that to conveythat love, that affection, that

(14:12):
adoration, that intimacy.
Because when we use language,it is a little bit more direct.
Maybe we aren't as good atpicking up on things like body
language, on things like cues.
Maybe someone could send you athousand pictures all day and

(14:32):
you're like well, I don't know,is this because they think that
I'm hot?
Is this, if you get thatlanguage that says, hey, I think
that you're hot?
There's no questions there.
It's right out in the open.

Right, right, I mean send the pictures, but
maybe with the praise, and youearned this, yeah, so I'm doing
a video instead.
Yeah, videos.
Step it up from the photo tothe video.
The only problem with thevideos is they don't always come
across.
I have an Android, don't judgeme.

(15:07):
You've got the Android to Apple.
Do you have an Android too?
So you gotta get on one of theapps.
You gotta get on the WhatsAppor the Telegram so you get those
clear.

Lisa Finn (15:19):
Listen, if you're doing something kinky enough,
you wanna be on an encryptedservice anyway.
So yes, you do.

Not that I am , but maybe I always tell myself
, well, if something gets out,I'm pretty sure it will only
improve my career.
Same yeah, so okay.
So we talked about thepsychology behind it a little
bit and how it's different fromjust enjoying compliments.

(15:46):
Can we talk a little bit abouthow it ties into the DOM
sub-relationship A?
Does it always B?
What does that look like?

Lisa Finn (16:01):
Yeah, I actually I wanna take a step back really
quick because I liked what youjust said about sort of the
psychology of it.
I think something that's reallyimportant to note here is that
this form of kink can be verytherapeutic but it's not therapy
.
So for some people, the praisekink could be filling a void
that they feel maybe they didn'tget enough praise.

(16:23):
Maybe again they need thatverbal affirmation to know that
they're good.
Maybe it's like an impostersyndrome thing.
Maybe with humiliation thatcomes into something that was
part of an experience, whetherit was positive or traumatic.
So, keeping in mind that, whilekink can be therapeutic, it's

(16:44):
not therapy.
So throughout this I'm gonna betalking about the ways that
these can connectpsychologically, emotionally,
mentally, but you wanna makesure that you're in the right
headspace and doing this withthe right person, which leads
into the DOM sub-dynamic.
You should always have thattrust between these two parties
because, though dominant andsubmissive dynamic is about

(17:07):
control, it's about yieldingcontrol and taking control.
The person who yields thatcontrol the submissive still
does have control because it'sconsensual.
They have the control of givingthat to their dominant.
You want to have that trust andknow that this is coming from a
place of care, whether it'spraise or whether it's

(17:29):
degradation, that this issomething, that the dynamic is
again consensual.
It's going both ways, withdominance and submission and
praise kinks.
In particular, the control sortof comes from the idea of the
control of pleasure.
So going off of the idea ofyou're being so good, maybe

(17:53):
instead of oh, you're being sogood, it's you're being so good
for me, you look so good for mewhen you do this to me, I love
it.
These are all things that thatdominant is now taking it and
making it theirs.
Maybe you are not just beingcalled good girl, you're being

(18:13):
called my good girl, and thatcan have a totally different
dynamic to it.
It can also be a good way for adominant and a submissive to
connect if they're in a heavierscene, to remind the submissive
that the dominant cares for them, that even if they are just
absolutely bringing down like afull, hard spank, they've got

(18:38):
them tied up, gagged in aposition that may seem
humiliating or really exposingor really vulnerable, especially
having that moment to come backand affirm your partner that
even if you are spanking them,even if you are tying them up,
even if you are participating in, let's say, snm, something that

(19:03):
has that extra sort of physicalaspect of intensity to it,
using praise to remind them notonly that they're doing a good
job, but that you are there forthem and that this is all
happening out of a place of careand mutual pleasure.

I love that.
That makes sense to me Whilewe're in this conversation and
you brought up the therapeuticpart of it before we move
forward, and while discussingthe dom sub-dynamic, what are
some of the reasons, whether youare the one who gets off on
giving the praise or receivingthe praise, that might have

(19:45):
helped manifest this kink insideof you.

Lisa Finn (19:49):
Yeah.
So I mean, we can always havethat moment of sort of like
psychological evaluation wherewe're going back to an instance
of something having happened tous.
Right, Maybe we got a lot ofpraise when we were younger and
we absolutely fed on that.
Maybe you were top of the class, you've got a gold star, you

(20:13):
went nuts for it, and now that'ssort of like taking place in a
sexual dynamic.
You just love hearing what agood job they're doing.
It eggs you on, it makes youwant to keep going.
Maybe you didn't get that praiseand so hearing it in the
bedroom is just really affirmingyour place with this person.

(20:34):
As we were talking about wordsof affirmation, maybe it's just
a matter of needing to knowwhere you stand.
If your praise kink is comingfrom a place of
self-consciousness, that's fine,that's okay.
You can need or want this kinkto make sure that you and your

(20:55):
partner are both enjoying whatyou're doing.
It can act as a form of consent.
It can act as a form ofchecking in.
It can be your green light withsomeone to be able to pass this
praise kink back and forth.

I think that that's really interesting how
you I think a lot of peoplewhenever the word kink comes up,
feel like it's something thatmanifests from a negative space
or something you are lacking ora place of something that's
missing, and it's interestingthat you point out it could

(21:31):
actually be just something thatyou really enjoyed and had a lot
of when you were younger.
Being kinky does not have to beassociated with trauma or with
something that was missing orsomething negative that happened
in your youth.
It can be just something thatreally turns you on.

(21:53):
That was fantastic that youexperienced in the past, and I
feel like that's a little bit ofa myth about kink.
Anything that's kinky, that oh,it comes from this place of
something terrible that happenedto you in the past.
No, no, we're all like pleasurefilled creatures who like to
explore pleasure in ways that gooutside of convention, and

(22:15):
conventionality is just a set ofexpectation and rules that were
put on sex by certain people tocontrol everybody else who
enjoyed something outside of it.
So kink is just breakingoutside of that, that really
oppressive conventional sexualstructure.

Lisa Finn (22:37):
And you know what I'm gonna say, something that I
truly believe, and some peoplemight fight beyond this, but I
truly believe it.
I don't think you need to havea reason to have a kink.
I don't think that there has tobe any reason behind it other
than that you like it.
Maybe it doesn't even haveanything to do with the praise.
Maybe you just like havingvocal sex, maybe you just like
talking during sex, and that'sthe thing that feels right to

(23:00):
say in that moment.
I cannot explain to you why Ilike whiskey.
I just know that I like it andthat's it.
It doesn't have to be anythingdeeper.
I don't have to be like oh well, I'm Irish, I have to like nope
, I just like it, that's it.
And that could be you and anyform of kink.
It could just be.
I know that this turns me on.
Let's try it Right.

Right, and I agree with you.
I do think I always ask thequestion what are some of the
reasons people might be intothis?
Because I feel like people feela need to understand the
origins of things that falloutside of the norm within their
own interest, and especiallysex.
But I agree also, fox.

Lisa Finn (23:39):
Oh, absolutely.

It doesn't really matter, there's nothing
wrong.
There's nothing wrong with yourkink.
Just get kinky and enjoy it.

Lisa Finn (23:47):
Absolutely.

So, but now you've got some ideas about
things that might have like litup that kink praise dynamic with
you.
So you've talked a little bitabout how the praise kink plays
out within a DOM sub dynamic.
But the praise kink doesn'talways have to come with impact
play right.

(24:08):
Sometimes there's no impact atall, it's just in the middle of
sex.
You want to hear these thingsand you want to be able to tell
people these things, correct,yeah?

Lisa Finn (24:22):
And like you sort of told yourself, you sort of told
your story before.
It doesn't even have to happenduring sex.
Like your moment came via textmessage, like that was
unexpected.
That wasn't in the middle of ascene, that wasn't in the middle
of play, maybe the conversationthat you were having wasn't
even sexually charged.
I don't think it was Praise.
Kinks can exist in any sort ofspace.

(24:43):
So you know, you can have ithappen during this BDSM dynamic.
But it can also just be a partof and I'm using air quotes here
vanilla sex.
Right, it doesn't even need tobe that.
It could be you know yourpartner hyping you up before you
go out.
It could be something as simpleas there is a word that gets
you going, like I call everyonebabe, my friends, people that

(25:08):
I've just met, everyone is babe.
But to me, baby is somethingthat when I get called that, it
makes me wild.
It's something that in thatcontext is ping.
There's that word.
For me, again, it's about thedynamic, it's about the context
that we use it in.
So looking at that and figuringout really what the praise is.

(25:33):
It can exist in any of thosespaces.
It can exist in foreplay, itcan exist in deep, deep, intense
kink.
It can exist in aftercare.
Aftercare is actually a really,really good place to put praise
, whether it's as a kink or as away to sort of re-center after
a more intense scene or justafter having sex.

(25:55):
You want to get back into thatheadspace of a non-kinky or
non-sexualized headspace.
You want to get back towherever your baseline level is.

Now let's look at when you want to start
playing with praise and somelight.
Let's just say light BDS andlet's say borderline vanilla
BDSM.
Can we talk a little bit aboutwhat that would look like?
I know for myself.

(26:29):
When I'm in a dom roll, Ireally like to play with praise
and spanking, right Likepraising someone for how many
times they were able to handleme, spanking them or telling
them what to do and having themdo it and spanking them if

(26:51):
they're not doing a good job andthen praising them when they do
, or anything like that.
But I would love for you tosort of like map that out in a
more sexpert way that I possiblycan.

Lisa Finn (27:03):
I mean, you nailed it , but I definitely will delve
into it a tiny bit more Tellingyour partner how well they're
doing complimenting someone'ssexual play.
So you're doing such a good job.
You're taking that so well forme.
You look so good when you'rebent over my lap.
Whatever it is that you'regiving them in that praise that

(27:25):
is over the overall dynamic, orit could be that praise to push.
It could be part of thatdominating dynamic where you are
pushing them using that praise.
You're doing so well, but Iknow you could do even better.
I know you could take even morethan that.
Why don't you show me how muchyou could do, taking notes, all
of that?

Is everyone taking notes?
Because I've got taken myfucking notes right now.

Lisa Finn (27:52):
Fantastic.
So using that to push forward,this could be an interesting
place to put that degradation inas well.
So instead of you're doing sowell, I know you could do even
better, get rid of that.
You're doing so well.
I know you could take more.
I know you could do so muchbetter.

(28:12):
Why don't you show me what youcould do?
Is this enough, all of theseways to push and make them earn
that praise Again?
Consensual dynamic, but havingit be that push that.
Show me that you deserve for meto tell you how good of a job

(28:33):
you're doing, how pretty youlook.
Tell me that you can bring meto that place and sort of have
that control there where you'repulling that praise out of your
dumb.

Yep, that's my kink, Just solidified.
Now, that's fine, wow, yep,that's it.
Let me recenter for a moment ofmy questions.

Lisa Finn (29:01):
That is it.

All right, all right, so that's hot shit,
right?
Does anyone not have this kinkCause like I don't get it?
But so let's talk about.
You just kind of did a littlebit of a juxtaposition with the
degradation, the praise.
That's what I was gonna comeback to you and this is where we

(29:26):
can bring in.
Now I want to do a full podcastwith you on the humiliation
kink because it's a deepdiscussion and I don't want to
do that all here.
But I do want to maybe discussthe humiliation kink a little
bit and how it does, and youjust did some example of it.

(29:48):
But can you kind of give us avery quick one-on-one on the
humiliation kink and how it cansort of be what seems like like
almost a twin sister or brotherto the praise kink?

Lisa Finn (30:02):
Yeah.
So what I think is reallyinteresting is the fact that we
can have a mix of feelings, evenones that feel like they're
mutually exclusive, like you canfeel disgust and arousal at the
same time.
You can feel shame and arousalat the same time.
Shame again, giant air quotesthere around this, because this

(30:23):
is all part of a consensual andwanted experience.
It's about sort of taking thisidea of humiliation, taking this
idea of degradation and havingthe control of the dialogue in
that way, With praise andhumiliation as a mix.
Maybe you have your praise isbeing called a pretty little

(30:50):
slut or such a good slut.

And that would be a mix of the two right
Pretty little, and then the slut.
That is a mix of yeah.
So it's so interesting to me,as you say this, and I think of
my own experience with it,because I've had people,
non-consensually, without adiscussion ahead of time, call
me that I'm all excited at thebeginning and then they slip

(31:12):
slut in and I'm like I feel likewe need to talk about what that
means for me right now, and sothat's interesting.
Now understanding myself more,You're showing and explaining
that that is, you got the praiseat the top which is here, and
then it drops you into a lighthumiliation.

Lisa Finn (31:35):
Or you can even have all humiliation, but how much
different it is when it becomespossessive.
So pulling someone a filthylittle slut versus my filthy
little slut, it's a totallydifferent context.
It's that idea of havingsomething that your, a filthy
little slut is, existing in yourown space.

(31:56):
This is all you, my filthylittle slut, is.
I love that you're a filthylittle slut.
I am taking ownership of you inthat space and that could be
really empowering.
I mentioned this before.
It has to come from a place ofsomeone who cares about you.
It has to come with thatnegotiation beforehand, even

(32:17):
with praise.
Maybe you really like beingcalled pretty or hot, but the
word cute is too tweaked for youand you don't want it.
This all needs to happen inyour pre-negotiations.
Say the words that you like,dabble with it outside of a
sexualized context so that youhave that opportunity.
And even if you aren't doinganything that has any sort of

(32:40):
physical play to it, make a safeword.
Make a safe word.
Have your stoplights in play,so your red, for stop.
Your yellow, for we need totake a pause.
Your green for keep going.
Have those in play, especiallywhen we're looking at
humiliation.
Or even with praise if we'rejust like absolutely barraging
and inundating someone withpraise, it could be overwhelming

(33:02):
.
Is your response something thatmight be a red flag outside of
this play, but it is part ofwhat you want out of the scene.
Maybe with humiliation you aregoing to cry, but you want that.
You want that cathartic cry.
You want that to be a part ofthis.
It's something that is part ofthe kink for you.

(33:24):
Maybe you and your partner havedecided that they're not gonna
stop until you tell them to.
You need to make sure that youhave that word in place.
That's going to be that hardstop.
And with that I mentioned beforeaftercare.
Right, what is that gonna looklike After you get a barrage of

(33:44):
praise?
Maybe afterwards you just wannabe spoken to in a purely just
like almost platonic dynamicwhere you're taking a step back
from the space.
Maybe after a humiliation scene, you need to be praised, you
need to be reminded that youknow that was so good.
How are you feeling All of thatgoing back into that tender

(34:05):
sort of voice?
It's really whatever brings youback to that baseline.
Not saying that after a heavypraise scene you should just
come out of it and be like well,you're stupid Doesn't
necessarily have to be a balancelike that.
It's just about getting someoneback to that positive baseline.

Right, okay, yeah, that makes a lot of sense
and I like the praise kink andeven the humiliation kink.
It's interesting how the wordslike you really have to know
your words and how to use themin the moment.
Right, I was thinking about howyou were showing slightly

(34:45):
switching upwards the magnitudeof the impact that can have,
especially in an intense kinkscene or in a sexual setting.
It's not something you can justlike, get crazy and start
throwing out words and not risk,you know, crossing over
someone's boundaries, so itwould take some practice.

Lisa Finn (35:10):
I would imagine right .
Yeah, absolutely.
So it could be so manydifferent things.
You know, is your praise?
Do you mind gendered terms Likedo you wanna hear good girl,
good boy?
Do you like possessive termslike pet or kitten or something

(35:31):
that could be seen as degradingand I'm saying could be seen
because there are some peoplethat see these words strictly as
positive but something likeplay thing, something like slut
right.
Do you want to hear honorifics?
Do you wanna be held on apedestal worshiped?
Do you want to be called agoddess, sir, ma'am, yes, chef,

(35:53):
whatever it is that does it foryou.
Maybe you don't wanna be callednames.
Maybe, again, you want someoneto compliment your sexual play.
I love when you use your tonguelike that.
You're doing so well for me.
You make me so hot, you make meso wet, so hard.
I never get tired of the wayyou look, all of these things.
Maybe you wanted to be justabout your physical traits.

(36:16):
So you look so good on yourknees.
Listen to you, moan.
You look so pretty when you'reall spread out for me, using all
of these words.
Break out your thesaurus, go forit, find those words and say
them out loud and see which ones, when they roll off of your
tongue, feel good to say, orwhen you hear them out loud,

(36:36):
make you go ooh, ooh, I likethat a lot.
Read some erotica.
Erotica is a really, reallygreat way to explore kink
language, praise, dirty talk,because erotica depends on
language.
You don't have like with videoporn.

(36:57):
Even audio porn does have thisas well, but you may not get
that direct language, becauseerotica is going to be dependent
on that.
They are describing everylittle thing that's going on.
So reading some erotica andtaking some inspiration from
there, I love that.

I love that.
This is definitely my thing.
All right, so can we start totalk about some of the tools you
can bring into?
We've talked about taught.
You've given our listenersright now tons of great verbal
tools to bring into the bedroomand to test out.
But let's kind of push it alittle bit further.

(37:39):
Let's talk about a toolbox.
Let's talk about some toys thatwe I love toys and I feel like
you know.
I like to think that mostpeople can benefit from adding,
adding some play things to theirplay time.
What are some toys that go wellwith this kink?
What are some, what's someequipment you could start

(38:02):
integrating into the experience?

Lisa Finn (38:05):
One of my favorite tools to go along with praise,
especially if we're talkingabout a praise kink in a kinky
sort of like BDSM context is acollar.
Yes, a collar denotes ownershipand it has that moment of sort
of that that claiming, like Iwas saying before, you know,

(38:27):
being called a filthy littleslut versus being called my
filthy little slut.
You put this on and that wordmy is right there.
It is absolutely sort of shownthrough this.
There's also that extra control.
You know, our neck is somethingthat is a very intimate space.
It is something that is verydelicate, and so having

(38:48):
something around your neck,whether it's a hand collar or a
physical collar, havingsomething there, it's going to
be prominent, it's going to besomething that you feel.
You compare it with a leash ormaybe some rope and have it as a
way to sort of move yourpartner's head up and down so
that you can demand that theylook at you while you praise

(39:09):
them.
Eye contact and praise together.
Chef Kiss, having those sort ofthat dynamic will become even
more heightened.
So using a collar as a tool topull somebody up and grab that
attention from them can reallymake those words more potent.
It's almost like when we'retalking to somebody face to face

(39:30):
versus on the phone or even onvideo chat.
That connection via eye contactcan really really level things
up.
So a collar also just likesuper cute.
Definitely not above wearing acollar just for the sake of
fashion.

Yeah, because collars come in all different
sizes, shapes, colors.
I've definitely I've had acouple of experiences where the
colors that I was given were toothick and uncomfortable and
took me out of the moment andthe experience.

(40:07):
But then smaller ones for mebecause I also like sort of some
sensual touch can give thatsensation and the pressure
without it being too much andjust uncomfortable.
And then they are cute.
They can be real sexy.

Lisa Finn (40:24):
Absolutely.
And yeah, you know what youwere saying with that feeling
comfortable.
That could be part of the kinktoo.
If you have opted in to havingan uncomfortable collar, maybe
that's part of it.
Maybe you're earning, maybeyou're earning your ability to
take it off.
So all of these can be broughtto that dynamic.
I talked a little bit aboutrope with a collar, so I'm just

(40:47):
going to talk about rope on itsown now.
So rope, I think, can go reallyreally well with praise, not
only for the active bondage, butbecause of the time and the
intention that it takes to tiesomebody up.
It's not like with restraintswhere you're just buckling them
on or strapping them on orwhatever it is.

(41:08):
You're taking the time on yourpartner, you're feeling their
body.
Maybe you're working withShabari and you're taking this
moment to sort of create art onyour partner's body.
You know that is a form ofpraise, that's a form of worship
.
You are using their body as acanvas for art.
You are taking new time to tiethem up.

(41:30):
You're communicating throughoutas this is happening.
Rope can be a really, reallyintimate experience.
And so, pairing some Shabari,even some simple knots, whatever
you're doing with this rope,dragging it across their skin,
you can, by the way, right nowyou can.

Actually, if you are watching this, you'll
see the rope.
She's holding up some rope.
It's.
Is that red?
It's like a burgundy, a sexyburgundy.
Yeah, it's like a.

Lisa Finn (41:53):
This is like a deep maroon red.
So this one is made out of anylon blend nylon blend material
.
I really like it because it'ssuper soft and slick.
I am not always great withgetting out of knots, so having
something like this like itholds the knots really well, but

(42:16):
it also comes apart super easy.
So if you are new to the ropeworld or if you just don't want
to break a nail, nylon rope isreally good.
Yes, love that.
So also, if you are not a ropeperson, I just love talking
about this thing.
This is a set of under the bedrestraints, so it's definitely

(42:41):
come, come and come and look atthis one, guys.

If you're interested in restraints, you
definitely want to look at thisone.
I don't have this, but I dowant this.

Lisa Finn (42:50):
Oh, it's very good, especially if, like you, are
traveling or if you're not aperson that has, like a rod iron
bed frame.
What it has is straps that gounderneath the mattress, and the
special edition one goes up toa California King, which is
really nice, and so those strapscan go underneath the mattress

(43:11):
and then you just hook on yourcuffs.
It has eight connection pointssorry, six connection points and
four cuffs, so you can haveyour partner fully spread out in
whatever position feels themost comfortable.
You could also just use thecuffs on their own.
I really like the under the bedrestraints if you want to hide
your kink wear very quickly,because you could just tuck it

(43:33):
right under the mattress so youalways have it ready to go.
You don't have to worry aboutrigging something up.
You don't have to worry about,you know, breaking everything
out.
It's just a matter of pullingthe straps out of mattress and
hooking on the cuffs.
Love, something can be it.
Having something like that too,where it's across the bed,
having somebody spread out,being exposed like that, being

(43:57):
in that space that's sovulnerable, can be a really cool
headspace to play with praisein Having someone being so
exposed like that and tellingthem how pretty they are,
telling them how good they look,spread out like that, playing
with the humiliation, lettingthem know that they're so pretty

(44:17):
when they're helpless, lettingthem know that possession over
them that you may have whenthey're in that moment of being
completely restrained,completely tied down, can be a
really hot way to play with thatpraise kink, whether it's full
praise or praise withdegradation.

Can you tell me about the cuffs on that?
Are those velcro cuffs that arewith that particular?
It's by sports sheets.

Lisa Finn (44:43):
Yeah, so there are two versions of it.
The one that I have they arevegan leather cuffs and they
have like physical metalhardware on them.
So okay, I'm trying to hear itthere, but the original under
the bed restraint set is justnylon with velcro, so those are
really easy to put on and offand the benefit to that over the

(45:06):
leather ones is that becausethey lay flat, you could just
tuck those right under the bedtoo.
But I personally love the lookand the feel and the smell of
the fake leather and the littlegold hardware just makes me feel
like so, like famine bougie.
So my preference is the specialedition set but the original

(45:28):
set if you want something justlike quick and ready to go On
and off, on and off If you'rejust starting with restraint
play.

Certainly.
I think the velcro ones aregreat because first of all,
they're soft for the person thatyou're putting them on and then
also, if you aren't well versedat getting anything off, they
come right off when you wantthem to.
But then you can work your wayup to and machine washable and

(45:56):
machine washing is yes, exactly.

Lisa Finn (46:02):
So just a couple more tools that I wanted to show.
We were talking about impactplay a lot, so I'd be remiss not
to talk about an impact tool.
So this is an acrylic paddleand this is a mean paddle.
So acrylic is just like a hardplastic.
So when you hit somebody withthis, not only is it going to
give you a really good sound,but that's not going anywhere.

(46:25):
That is just a hard whereveryou hit.
That is what it is.
Already, my hand is tingling,so something like this I have
not seen one of those before.

I have not seen an acrylic paddle.
It's shiny too, I'm pretty.

Lisa Finn (46:39):
This one has a little bow tie on it too.
It's part of a set that comeswith I'm going to show this to a
little like gag that has bowson it and it has a little bow
pasties.

So the gag is also would be a good tool, yeah
.

Lisa Finn (46:55):
So I was going to get into that.
So a gag is really good too,because you can sort of have
that dynamic of power in who'sallowed to speak, who has the
power to speak, and pairing thatwith the praise you can't say
anything back when you're in agag.
If you are going to be gagged,though, make sure two very

(47:17):
important safety points.
One, you have a nonverbal safeword, so, whether it's snaps,
claps, taps, dropping a ring ofkeys, whatever it is that you
can do to signal to your partnerthat you need to get out of the
gag, that things need to stop,whatever it is.
And also, if you're going tohave somebody in a gag, make
sure that they're not completelyon their back for too long,

(47:38):
because they have the ability tochoke on their own spit, so
make sure that your bottom in agag is somewhat.

On their knees.
What?

Lisa Finn (47:47):
That too, you know.
That is a very good way to keepelevated, just thought.

I'd add to the conversation the great
position of that control.

Lisa Finn (47:54):
Pair that gag with that collar, tilt the head up
and have direct eye contact withpraise.
I feel like I'm making achecklist here, but yeah, it
sort of gives that dynamic ofthe power of who is allowed to
speak.
How are you allowed to respondIf you're a person that can't
take a compliment?
Pair your praise with a gag,because you cannot go ahead and

(48:16):
deny that compliment when you'vegot a giant silicone ball in
your mouth.
Giant silicone ball in yourmouth.

I'm just gonna you know, I'm gonna clip
just that, the giant siliconeball in your mouth.
I love that so much.

Lisa Finn (48:31):
Oh my god, listen, I'm a switch.
I can't take a compliment, butI love a praise.

Kink, I feel like we're blushing back and
forth.
It's like this, this, this thismight be one of my favorite
kink conversations and and it'sbecause they're really I don't
know if this was a thing yearsago I feel like I haven't really

(48:55):
heard about it before and it'sso resonant with me.
And I think it's interestingbecause in the past I have said
like when it hits humiliation,I've often shied away from it or
been like that's not my thing.
But then the way that you'veshown the word play and how,

(49:18):
just in slight ways, you canpair the two so that it
heightens everything, dependingon what one's relationship to
humiliation is, is veryinteresting to me.

Lisa Finn (49:35):
Yeah, it's.
You know there are so manydifferent connections that we
can have with this.
You know, again, the givingversus the receiving, the
whether it's being complimentedon what you do, how you look,
who you are, what yourrelationship is.
It's not as simple as just, youknow, complimenting someone.

(50:01):
It could go so so much deeper.
There's so many differentlevels to it in or outside of
kink, in or outside of love, inand outside of romance, in or
outside of intimacy.
All of these things can eithercoexist or just be completely
separate, and I think thatthat's one of the things that's

(50:22):
the most hot about praise.

Yeah, yeah, and I love how we've talked a
little bit about how you canintegrate a little bit of
restraint and is new to impact.
You can start with light impactand then praise on how well
they take it, how they do withit, but you don't have to do any
of that.
So, yeah, I mean I'd like to doa little bit of all of it, but

(50:54):
are there any other tools thatyou have there, or have we gone
through them?
I mean?

Lisa Finn (51:00):
that would be my selection.

A strap on would be like praising someone
for how much they can take it ifyou're a vulva owner and giving
it to another person.

Lisa Finn (51:12):
Yeah, really anything .
You know, I have my magic wandproudly displayed behind me.

Oh yeah.

Lisa Finn (51:19):
You know that's a super powerful vibrator.
Maybe you are praising someonefor how long they can handle
such intense sensation onthemselves.
You know, maybe you're praisingsomeone for how well they use a
toy on you.
Maybe you're the bottom andyou're praising them for how
well they spank you, for howwell they are tying you up.

(51:39):
You know all of these differentthings.
Praise can exist anywhere.
Praise can exist with anything.

This makes me think of you know what I like
when I'm topping, what I reallyget off on Making them think me
Like that is a form of praiseyeah, I guess I haven't even
thought about that.
Like the other end of it is andI will literally be like you
need to thank me.
That is one of my things.

(52:06):
I really get off on them justgoing on and on about how
grateful they are.

Lisa Finn (52:12):
Asking for it or begging for it is also a form of
praise, because you arebasically saying this is
something that I really want,and I really want it from you
right now.

Yep, like that.
All right, we're getting tothat time.
Let's ask the ultimate question.
Somebody who's here right nowis obviously there Like maybe
that's my thing.
How do we start to talk to ourpartners about this one?
And in a way that they're notjust like?

(52:49):
You know, I could see a part.
I mean, I don't see a partnerbeing like, oh, that's the
weirdest thing ever, but I couldsee a partner downplaying it or
just not getting it and beinglike I tell you you're pretty
all the time.
I can totally see that beingthe response.
Well, I always tell you howgorgeous you are.
I always tell you you know what?
That kind of response.
So how do you explain yeah, Ineed more, and I need it in this

(53:14):
kinky situation.

Lisa Finn (53:16):
I mean, there's always the option to just
explicitly say like hey, this issomething that I'd really like,
but you can also ease into itby asking.
So you know, like asking.
You know, how do you?
How do you feel when I do this?
Or do you like how I look here?
Do you like how I do this?

(53:37):
Tell me, what specifically doyou like If someone uses a word
of praise outside of a kinkysituation, maybe you just go up
to them again, if you have thisestablished relationship, and be
like you know, whisper in theirear, be like I loved when you
call me that, call me that againlater when we're naked.

(53:59):
Give them that something to lookforward to.
And again, like I was saying,praise, kinks are all over the
internet right now, all overmainstream media, so maybe watch
something together and be likehey, like, how did that make you
feel?
Ask what words they want to becalled, open the conversation by
asking about them.

(54:20):
You know, would you like it ifI called you a good girl, a good
boy, sir ma'am, whatever?
It is my pretty little plaything.
Would you like if I called youthat in bed?
Does that do anything for you?
Do you like talking in bed.
Do you like vocalizing in bed?
Moning can be a form of praise,so exploring that together.

(54:41):
But open it up with a question.
It's all verbal, it's alllinguistic, so a conversation is
really required.

It is all linguistic, it's true, all right
, and I think maybe also you hadmentioned watch reading Erotica
with your partner.
But even I think, as we werehaving this conversation, I've
thought about hot sex scenes andmovies where the thing that

(55:10):
really gets people off is thatsort of praise dynamic that goes
on between the couple, andhaving the opportunity to watch
something like that and then say, hey, hey, that's kind of what
I'm talking about, right, mightmight be helpful.

Lisa Finn (55:29):
Yeah, absolutely Any any way that you can sort of
bridge that gap.

Listen to this podcast with them Now.
If someone wants to startdiving into a praise kink with
their partner or a partnertomorrow, the next day, let's
give them a starter kit.
How do they?

Lisa Finn (55:47):
get started.
So, going back to what is itthat sort of piqued your
interest?
Why are you here?
Why did you tune into this?
When we were going throughoutthis and we were giving all
those different examples, didyou have that light bulb moment
of ooh?
That that was something that Iwant to give a try.
That's something that I lovehearing coming out of my
partner's mouth.
That's something that I wouldlove to tell my partner.

(56:09):
I have a blog up on Beyblanswebsite where I list a bunch of
different examples of thingsthat you can try, even if you're
by yourself.
Just go read them out loud, readthem in whatever voice you want
.
Read them in your day to dayvoice.
Read them in a deep, huskyvoice.

(56:30):
Whisper it.
You can even record yourselfand listen to yourself saying it
.
See what feels right coming offof your tongue.
Maybe there's something thatwhen you read it, you were like,
oh, that's hot.
And then, as soon as you say itout loud, you're like I don't
actually like the way that thatword sounds.
So giving yourself theopportunity to think of it as

(56:51):
praise, kink, masturbation,right, you're just doing this by
yourself and for yourself tosee how it feels.

And if you guys want to receive all of that
, I am going to be sending thispodcast episode out in an e-news
letter.
I will make sure to link thatblog in the e-news letter so you
can just click on it, head toBeybland and read it and start
giving those things a try.
Yeah, it seems to me that a keyto the praise kink is really

(57:21):
learning what specific words andwhat type of praise, and if a
little humiliation, likesprinkled in, turns you on, it's
really a discovery of exactlywhat it is that lights you up,
which is a journey right, a tryand fail at some and then love

(57:42):
some of the other things.
Correct, absolutely.
And if you have a partner thenwho wants to please you, who
wants to be a good partner andengage in this with you, you can
give them the list and havethem try some of the things with
you, see how they feel about it.

Lisa Finn (58:02):
Play it's play.
You said in my intro that Ilike to lace humor into
everything to remind people thatthis should be fun.
You might say something thatmakes your partner laugh.
You might both have a gigglefit when you realize that a
certain word coming out of yourmouth just feels so off
character for you.
That's fine.
Yeah, move forward.
It doesn't have to be a bigdeal.

(58:23):
You've learned something that'snot for you or not for them,
and that's okay.
You know it's a trial and error.
But when that error becomessomething that you're like, nope
, there it is, you have found it, you have struck gold and you
take that and you're wrong withit Right.

And so, speaking of, I mean, this is all
about words and word play andintegrating it into sex.
And so it's about sex talk andI want to bring that up because
I have admitted sometimes Istruggle with sex talk.
And the good news is Lisa isgoing to come back and join us.
I'm doing a podcast here verysoon with her about how to talk

(59:03):
sexy sex talk, sex talk one ohone, and she is going to walk us
all through that and give ussome tips and tricks if you find
yourself feeling uncomfortableat verbalizing with your partner
and especially if you have apartner who's like, wanting to
hear more from you.
I have y'all might find itstrange I have a podcast.

(59:25):
Everything I do has to do withwords and talking.
When it comes to being in bedand sex situations, I definitely
I struggle, folks, I struggle.
So Lisa's coming back, so Iwant you to stay tuned in and in
the next couple of weeks andshe's going to walk us through
how to use words in bed, whetherpraise, humiliation, whatever

(59:49):
that might look like.
Right, yeah, and I am soexcited for that.
I know it sounds like it's your,one of your strengths.

Lisa Finn (59:59):
It is something I enjoy teaching, for sure.

Annette Benedetti (01:00:02):
I love it.
Can you let my listeners knowwhere to find anything and
everything they want to find outabout you and about what you do
?

Lisa Finn (01:00:12):
Yeah, absolutely so.
Like I said before, I work fora company called Bayland.
We have three locations now inNew York.
We just opened up a new storein Williamsburg, brooklyn, so
we've got two in Brooklyn,williamsburg and Park Slope.
We've got one on the Lower EastSide of Manhattan and then one
in Seattle, washington.
A cool thing about our shops isthat everyone that works there

(01:00:34):
has gone through sex educationtraining.
So we're there not only to giveyou the products that you're
looking for, but to help youfind the right one.
It's something that is verynear and dear to me, because
it's how I wound up in thisindustry was through someone
helping me out when I was at theshop and I said, hey, I want to
do this.
So definitely come visit us ifyou can in person.

(01:00:54):
If not, we do have a website.
It's Baylandcom, and if youwant to read more about Praise
Canx or if you want to dabbleinto one of the other many, many
topics that we have online, ifyou go to Baylandcom backslash
babe blog that's going to havedozens of informational pieces,

(01:01:16):
some written by me, some writtenby a professional sexologist,
carol Queen.
She's got a PhD in sex, whichis the coolest thing I've ever
heard.
So definitely go check that out.
It's free, it's on the website,you can read it, you can peruse
and, yeah, I hope that you findsomething that peaks your
interest.

Annette Benedetti (01:01:33):
Yeah, thank you so much for joining us today
, and I'm looking forward to ournext conversation, and then
hopefully, we will get to visithumiliation as well, because I'm
sure everybody's a little bitcurious and wants to hear more
about that.
So until next time, I'll seeyou in the locker room.
Cheers, cheers, whiskey Suredoes.

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Exploring the Praise Kink: Call Me "Good Girl"

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