Kyle and Selina open up about their personal experiences with anxiety in marriage, sharing how it manifested differently for each of them and revealing the spiritual dimensions of anxiety attacks.
• Anxiety often shows up during major life transitions like moving into a new home or changing cities
• Selina experienced debilitating panic attacks that prevented her from functioning normally
• Kyle internalized his anxiety, using it as motivation rather than letting it overwhelm him
• Control issues frequently trigger anxiety when life doesn't go according to plan
• Anxiety can be understood as a spiritual attack that distracts us from God's peace
• Physical intimacy problems can create significant anxiety in marriage relationships
• Supporting a partner through anxiety requires patience, presence, and understanding
• Fasting and focusing on God's words "I need you to trust me" helped overcome anxiety
• Recognizing anxiety doesn't mean weak faith, but requires refocusing on spiritual truths
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
We couldn't get out of the second season until we
had a really good discussion onthe topic of anxiety.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
What am I doing wrong ?
That she's not, like you know,trying to connect here.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
The enemy can certainly use the marriage as a
distraction.
I need you to trust me.
We're not perfect people.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
By any means.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
But by trusting in God we learned what it takes to
build a friendship.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
A relationship.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
And marriage that has stood the test of time.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
With a keeping it real style.
We're going to talk to youabout everything.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Everything.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
That we've been through.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Are going through.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
And have overcome All by learning how to lean on God
and each other.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
In order to help you learn how to Love by faith.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Welcome Selena.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Welcome.
The fact that we are wearingsweaters in the month of June
just tells you how ratchet ourcity is for these weather
conditions.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
This climate has just got to get over it and bring on
summer.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
You know, sometimes it gets cold because there's
something happening down south.
Is there something that we'renot aware of?
Speaker 2 (01:20):
So since my job doesn't connect with the weather
like it used to, I don't evenpay attention that deep.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
You know, because there's a big storm.
I know it's been a wet spring,but it's not the hurricane
season.
No, it's just straight.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
It's fall, they're just being Spring transition
just being weird.
Yeah, nothing we can do aboutit.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Nothing you can do about it.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
I think that connects us good to today's topic
connects us good to today'stopic.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Oh, it kind of does.
You're right.
Yeah, that's good.
Do you want to tell everybodywhat our new?
Speaker 2 (01:48):
series is on.
I thought we talked in thecommunication plan series last
month that you were going to dothe intros.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
I thought I was doing the outro.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
You're really good at that part.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
I thought I was doing the outros Okay.
Fine, I will go ahead andannounce it.
So welcome everybody.
Welcome to Love by Faith Kyleand.
Selena here we are in the monthof June, though it looks like
we are here in November briskNovember but in the month of
June we decided that we reallywanted to.
We couldn't get out of thesecond season until we had a
(02:19):
really good discussion on thetopic of anxiety, discussion on
the topic of anxiety.
So all month long we're goingto be talking to couples about
how anxiety affects theirmarriage Okay.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
How has anxiety affected your marriage?
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Oh geez.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Start small, you can start small.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Okay, here is the thing I did not realize that I
had anxiety until the middle ofour marriage.
I did not know that that wassomething that I was dealing
with.
I didn't necessarily go to adoctor and I didn't get
diagnosed and I didn't getprescribed medications.
I got to a point where I couldnot control the anxiety anymore.
(03:02):
Okay, and then I ended up goingto counseling.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
And in counseling they revealed to me like, look
at all these things, yeah, it'sa mess, you have anxiety and I'm
like what?
And they're like from yourtrauma.
And I'm like I have trauma andthey're like let's go back and
run the list, and they're likebuh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh,
buh and I'm like, oh yeah, thatmakes a lot of sense.
(03:27):
So once I got the clarity thatI had, it then began the battle
to overcome it.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
Okay, wow, I think.
For me coming into marriage, Idid not expect anxiety to play a
part For you or for In ourmarriage in general.
Okay, I expect.
I expected like we would eachhave worries that were like
future driven worries, likeworried about if we make enough
money, worried about if we'd beable to buy a house, worried
about if we'd be able to havekids those are pretty general
(03:57):
worries for a newlywed reallyrational stuff yeah what I
didn't anticipate was having tolive with a partner who had
anxieties like you described,and I never imagined the types
of real anxieties that wouldhappen in me.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
And as far as worrying about how to be the
best man for you, worried abouthow to take care of the family
the best, worried about doingall the business of marriage and
getting that all done in time,what does that mean?
My chores and the stuff I haveto get done around the house to
keep our house balanced.
Because if I don't get thatdone, the house is out of
balance and people are worriedbecause dad's not holding up his
(04:43):
end of the deal or thehusband's not holding up his end
of the deal, or, you know, thehusband's not holding up his end
of the deal.
You know, like we had a great,we have a great plan for what
our household duties are to keepthe house running smooth.
And it's easy to fall off ofthat.
For me and at the beginning ofour marriage, I thought, man,
it'd be easy.
I'm, you know, I was innewlywed season.
(05:03):
I was all like Everything's solovely and rose colored glasses
right in the newlywed season no,still gotta pick up, pick up
the stuff off the floor.
Still gotta do the trash.
Still gotta maintain it all sothat you can still have the, the
peaceful moments.
This you can't go on a datenight and be focused and have
(05:24):
fun if, in the back of your mind, you got all these chores going
on right.
You got all this chaos for lackof a better word in your house
from it being a mess, and so Ithink that led to more anxiety
in me or can lead to moreanxiety in couples right.
From your perspective, how didyou navigate through that,
(05:44):
dealing with a husband whodoesn't really have I don't have
like outward anxieties, like Iinternalize a ton?
Yes so I think talking to thewomen about how to help when
he's internalizing would be agood way to talk about anxiety
at first, because I think a lotof guys internalize more than
externalize.
So with the guys that aretending to internalize, what
(06:07):
approach do you take?
What do you?
Speaker 1 (06:09):
That's very interesting, Kyle, because I
don't think a lot of people Ipersonally never saw it as two
different ways to cope with withanxiety okay you know, um the
internalized versus externalized.
Yeah, okay yeah, because I wouldsay that I'm an externalized
(06:33):
person.
You know, you see the, thepanic come out of me yeah you,
you hear it, you, you see it inmy behavior and so for.
So can I ask you, like forsomeone who is internalizing it?
So what?
You're just going aboutpretending like it's not there,
but inside you're feeling itLike.
How does that explain that?
Speaker 2 (06:50):
to me.
So inside it's yeah, there'slike I always feel like it's not
unhealthy, right?
Like you said, the concernswere am I going to make enough
money?
Am I going to be able to buy ahouse Like we're going to be
able to have kids?
I mean it going to be able tobuy a house like we're going to
(07:11):
be able to have kids.
I mean it's.
It's not unhealthy until itbecomes unhealthy, until it
becomes an obsession.
So now, today, today's, thosekind of thoughts for me that I
think about are is my companygonna downsize or change?
Is my?
Am I going to be able to sendmy kids to this same school that
we want to send them to?
Yeah, forever.
Am I going to be able to takecare of my wife and buy the
extra things, go on vacationsthat we want to go on?
Right?
So those are the kind ofinternalized anxieties I have
(07:33):
right now how often do you havethese internalized anxieties?
Speaker 1 (07:36):
is it like every day to say it's?
Speaker 2 (07:42):
no, okay, no, it would be periodically and I
probably like when, when thosetopics come up, there is a
nervousness around them, I wouldsay nervousness, right.
So, like each year, when we'redoing the, the forms to sign up
for the next year of school, I'mlike, grateful and thanking god
that we're able to do thiswe're there yeah but until we
(08:03):
get there I'm like all right, Igotta do this so this can happen
.
I process it so that itmotivates me okay to do well.
Okay, right to be top performerat work.
So there's no chance, ifthere's downsizing, that I'm
getting cut yeah right, I Ithink of you know I pick up
overtime so that I know we haveextra money here and there.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
I pick up the extra hours so it's not really
shutting you down, it's notcausing a strain in how you live
day to day I agree.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
Yeah, it's not.
It's.
I've processed it to be amotivator okay.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
So you've recognized what it is and you're like I'm
going to turn this into thisinstead.
Yeah, okay, yeah, that is notwhat happens to me.
There's not what it used tohappen to me what do you mean?
I mean what used to happen toyou the the anxiety would become
so loud and so big that itwould disrupt me to the point
(09:04):
where I couldn't breathe, youknow, like to the point where I
cannot breathe and I'm trying toand I'm freaking out because
I'm like I can't breathe, youknow.
And so you have this attack,this anxiety, this panic attack,
and you can't, I can't function.
And then it because you'rehaving a panic attack and once
the panic attack kind of goes,it's kind of like fades, fades.
(09:26):
Your body, your nervous systemis so shocked that you can't do
anything.
And so when you have that whereyou're like I can't even get a
sense of control of my body, howthen could I ever get?
It's really hard to overcomeanxiety if you don't have the
right things in place, becauseit takes you out like that
(09:48):
physically, and so it's like, ifI can't even control myself
physically, then how am I evergoing to get a hold of this?
How am I ever going to turnthis into motivation?
You know, so it was.
It was really hard for me.
I, I, I suffered a lot from it.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
And what about?
So?
You've coached a lot of women,right?
You've spent time talkingthrough these things.
What kind of other anxieties doyou see outside of yours and
mine, from others?
Speaker 1 (10:15):
I don't necessarily hear anxiety come out in women
that I'm coaching.
More than anything it's.
We get anxious because we wantlife to go a certain way and
then we realize that it doesn'tgo that way, and so people get
anxious because they're feelinglike there's this unmet pressure
(10:39):
to perform or to Excel andthey're not reaching it.
And so now they're feeling thein control parts of I'm doing
everything and I can't controlwhat's happening and it's not
going the way I planned it to go, and so it kind of goes into uh
, you know, break the glass boxand I'm just gonna do anything
(11:02):
and I'm just yeah, and it's justlike I'm just gonna make any
type of box and I'm just goingto do anything Like a code red,
yeah, and it's just like I'mjust going to make any type of
decision and I'm just going todo this, and I'm just like.
They don't wait, they're notpatient, they don't seek the
Lord, they're not reallyprocessing, they're not trying
to understand whatever.
God's way is perfect and hispace is perfect.
And if we're not focused onthat, if we're not focused on
the higher, then and if we'reonly focused on what we can do,
(11:27):
then we're always going to fallin this desperation of I can't
get this to go my way.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
So anxiety I mean the way you just described it is
everything.
That's the opposite of thefruit to the Holy spirit.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
Absolutely, Of course , and that's one of the ways how
I overcome, how I was able toovercome it, and back then I
kept going back to I can't dothis, I can't control this.
One of the things that reallytripped me up a lot was in being
(11:57):
a mother and I would have thewinter breaks and the summer
breaks and then I couldn't.
A peaceful environment the wayit was when the kids were in
school.
It wasn't a controlledenvironment because there's
chaos everywhere and they'realways asking for snacks and
there's always a mess andthey're always fighting.
And it got to the point where Ifelt like I was in this tornado
(12:20):
or this hurricane of just chaosthat I could not control, Never
thinking about like I'm notsupposed to control this.
The Holy Spirit's supposed tocome and help me control this.
Let's go.
I'm not supposed to controlthis.
Like the Holy Spirit's supposedto come and help me control this
Like I'm not supposed to do iton my own, but because you're
stuck in the middle of it,you're thinking only about
yourself and you're thinkingonly about what can I do to
control and manage this and howcan I get it to go back to my
(12:43):
way.
And if you lose that control,you fall into the anxiety.
And if you lean into thatanxiety of like, oh no, I can't
control this, oh no, I'mslipping, then you fall into
that place where you have thoseattacks.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
Wow, wow.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
It is literally I mean honestly speaking, when I
look at it hindsight 2020,because I haven't had an attack
in a very long time, since Ifasted for it and I haven't had
an attack in a very long timesince I praise the lord, since I
fasted for it and I haven't hadan attack since the fast of it.
But if you really look at it itis, it is a spiritual attack
sure anxiety is a spiritualattack against people to lose
(13:21):
their focus on the father yes,I'm thinking through in my head
like, like.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
Is anxiety a sin?
Speaker 1 (13:29):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
Because it's putting worry, it's trying to put us in
control and it's showing a gapin our faith that God will help
us through or God will get usthrough, or God is in control of
the situation.
Because so much of what you'resaying about anxiety revolves
around control, and who's incontrol is God.
(13:50):
Who's in control is the HolySpirit.
So you know the word says beanxious for nothing, but that
doesn't say anxiety is a sin,right.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Right.
And so you know, I think ofPeter walking on water.
I'm sure he was anxious when hewas sinking.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
I'm sure he was anxious when he saw the storm.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
And so it comes down to control and it does and faith
I don't.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
It's an interesting way to put it.
Um, there are faithful peoplewho have anxiety and there are
faithful people who havedepression I know you're
faithful, you know, I know yeahand I, honestly, I think it's
just an attack.
I don't think it's.
I think it's just an attack.
I don't think it's.
I think it's because maybe it'sbecause of your faith that you
get attacked, you know, but Idon't think it is, it's just.
(14:35):
Here's the way I have broken itdown.
Here's the way I have broken itdown is, you have faith, but
your mind is not set on thethings above.
You know, the Bible tells usfocus on the things that are
just, the things that are lovely, the things that are pure, the
things that are holy, and if weremove our mind, or if we take
(14:58):
our mind off of those things,then we start to focus on the
other things, which is not thosethings, it's the opposite of
those things, and so, therefore,you kind of just lose sight.
I don't think it's a matter ofhow strong your faith is.
I think it's going to be anattack on anyone, whether you're
a pastor, whether you'rewalking into church for the
(15:18):
first time, or whether you'venever stepped foot in church and
you're only hearing about Jesusas this cool guy and you know
he's a cool dude, I rock him.
You know, and I feel like theenemy is going to use that,
because they can see the cracksin our flesh, they could see the
insecurities, they could seewhat we are most likely to slip
(15:40):
and fall on.
And for people who likesecurity, who gain security in
control.
I like things to be a certainway.
I see myself with this timeline.
I have my vision for it.
I envision it going this way.
The enemy can see what you'redoing and he could probably use
that as an attack to be likeyou're not in control of this.
I'm going to, I'm going to giveyou a flat tire.
(16:02):
You know, I'm going to, I'mgoing to make your refrigerator
go die.
Not to say that the devil'sdoing that and he's all about
killing our appliances, but yousee what I'm saying?
Like he can use these ways andjust whisper in our ears of like
look at, you don't have control.
Look at, you'll never getcontrol.
Look at you don't know how tohandle yourself.
Look at you, you're not evengood enough to take control,
(16:23):
take the reins of this thing,this thing.
Like, look at you, you'refalling apart, you're a mess.
You're messy and he'll startplaying this in your head to the
point where you start tobelieve it.
It doesn't necessarily mean thatyou don't have faith.
It's just what the attacks areis a little bit louder than the
whispers of God.
I wouldn't necessarily say it'sa faith thing, but it's
(16:45):
certainly a distraction and Ithink there's a lot of
distractions that the enemy youknow.
I was talking about appliancesand stuff, but the enemy can
certainly use the marriage as adistraction of like you just get
married.
You're not in the house thatyou wanted, like you were saying
the bills, job situations.
Now you're in ministry.
Ministry is distracting youbecause you're not pouring into
(17:08):
your spouse the way you'repouring into all of these
ministries that you're a part of.
The cleaving part and theleaving of family and the making
space for just each other andnot so much friend time or
everybody else's time all ofthose things can lead to anxiety
.
When you have a conflict thevery first time.
You have a really hard conflictin your marriage when you're
(17:31):
first married, that could leadto anxiety of like, oh no, I
thought we were good, but now wehave this issue, what are we?
And the enemy could totally usethat and be like you see, you
guys weren't meant to be marriedin the first place.
You see, everything falls apartwhen you get married.
See, this is why you're notsupposed to do this in the first
place.
Like this is.
You know, he's not the personhe said he was.
Now you're stuck.
Now you're married.
(17:52):
Now you guys are with each otherforever and then you're
spiraling now you're starting tospiral right, because these
attacks start to get louder andlouder in your head because he
didn't make the bed rightexactly seriously.
No, it's like that.
It's like the littlest thingthe enemy will use as a way to
distract you, because he knowsthat you thrive off of this
sense of security, that thingsneed to be in control.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
So he's there to steal, kill, destroy.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
Steal your peace, yeah.
Steal your security yeah.
Steal your joy, yeah, right,yeah.
Kill your connection, kill yourromantic vibes, kill your fill
in the blank, oh absolutely, oh,and the marriage bad.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
So much anxiety comes from the marriage.
Bad.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Ooh.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Think about it that is the one place where you're
supposed to be intimate withyour partner.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
Okay, one-on-one, no one else Right?
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Right, like you and them, and it's like you can be
intimate in all of the otherareas.
You can be emotionally intimate, spiritually intimate, and then
, once you get married, that'ssupposed to be the frosting, the
physical intimacy.
If there is a problem there,for whatever your problems are,
because we all have some kind ofissue that we got to work
(19:03):
through at some point in thatbed area yeah, in that bed area.
Yeah, if that is the thing,that's like embarrassing or
brings shame or bringsdiscomfort or brings fear or
brings doubt, then the enemywill use that and then that will
build anxiety because it's like.
I know I have to do this, Iknow he wants it, I know she's
(19:24):
not responding to me.
I know she's not responding tome.
I know she's not flirting withme.
I know she's not desiring meLike that causes anxiety.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
Right, yeah, no, absolutely it does cause anxiety
.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
It causes a lot.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
We're never going to get in bed again.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
Right.
And then how does that evolveand ripple into your marriage?
Speaker 2 (19:44):
Absolutely.
Now he's insecure Because, like, what am I doing wrong that you
don't want me?
I'm going to the gym.
What is what am I doing wrongthat she's not, like you know,
trying to connect here.
I'm gonna go see connectionsomewhere else.
You're right and you know it's.
That's real man yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
so it's all of the things my I want to ask you
because I did have panic attacks.
I had a lot of panic attacksand to the point where you would
try to console me, partner, youknow, if your husband's the one
to have an anxiety attacks, howdid you, as a partner, feel in
(20:36):
that space when I was goingthrough, when I was experiencing
major anxiety?
Speaker 2 (20:41):
Honest answer.
Yes, I was kind of mad.
Okay why?
Because the first time Iremember you having anxiety I'm
sorry, I'll take that back.
The first time I remember youhaving anxiety was when we moved
into our new house, when wewere newlyweds.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
Okay, the day you moved in there, so you don't
count us getting engaged as apanic attack you do, and so I
can't discredit that.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
Okay, but in my mind it didn't seem like that okay,
it just seemed like overwhelmingjoy enveloped around it seemed
like overwhelming joy okay andthat's it.
Could have been a panic attack,but it seemed like definitely
was it seemed like overwhelmingjoy okay so you think of moving
in.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
Can you tell the story?
Speaker 2 (21:25):
when we moved in to our new house.
Selena moved in.
It was around her birthday.
We got the new place, yeah, andI wasn't moving until after the
wedding Birthday's in February,wedding's in May so she had a
few months to live all on herown.
Yeah, get our house ready to bea home, yeah, right, so Selena
moves into our apartment, right?
It's the first day I.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
We're supposed to be helping.
We're supposed to help at thewedding, both of us At the
wedding.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
I'm an usher.
She's supposed to be an usherat the wedding.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Yeah, it was like the day after my birthday.
Speaker 2 (21:51):
And I think it was your literal birthday.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
Oh yeah, I think it was your literal birthday.
Speaker 2 (21:55):
You moved in.
Okay, snap, yeah, literallyyour birthday.
Dang, that was a messed upbirthday At the wedding doing
the things.
We had already got all thestuff moved in, right, right,
your uncle helped you move stuff, yeah, and you came to the
wedding and dropped somethingoff to me, and then you're at
(22:15):
the house, yes, and I'm gettingdone with the wedding and I'm
not hearing from you, and it'slike this is weird.
Why isn't she sharing joy,sending pictures?
Those kind of things Can.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
I share for a second.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
It was the last goodbye of my uncle before I.
It was like the last load and Isaid, okay, I'm going to take
this load, I'm going to put itin my car, I'm going to go to
the wedding, I'm going to help.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
And then I'll take this load to the house.
Okay, I said goodbye to myuncle.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
You were at his house .
Speaker 1 (22:45):
I was at his house.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
I lived with my uncle yeah, because the wedding was
just down the street from thehouse, right?
So?
Speaker 1 (22:49):
I said goodbye to him yeah and it wasn't a sobby
goodbye my uncle's not a sobbyperson.
He probably shook your hand hedid yeah, okay, goodbye, you
know, like we're done, it wasnice, yeah, and I I was losing
it on the way to the weddingyeah I felt myself breaking down
wow and so I got out of the carand I got to the entrance of
(23:11):
the wedding, but then I said Ican't do this because I'm a mess
and I don't want to mess uptheir day.
So that's when I told you I needto go home I appreciate that
you put on a fake face Icouldn't control it yeah I, I, I
couldn't control it, just likeanxiety, I couldn't control it.
Just like anxiety, I couldn'tcontrol it.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
It was anxiety, I started spiraling, so I get.
So there, you started spiraling.
Speaker 1 (23:33):
Yes, right then At the wedding.
On the way to the wedding.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
I started so fast forward to when I get done at
the wedding, I go to her house,I go to our house, but it was
hers because she was the onlyone living there at the time.
And the house is dark.
It's after dark.
I couldn't find the lights.
The lights were off and she'slaying.
We had a futon.
I think that was like our onlyfurniture piece at the time.
Yeah, we had a futon, we had adining room table and that was
(23:59):
it.
Yeah, and she's just layingthere, crying, just sobbing.
Yeah, I I'm sorry to bring thisup, but it's just like that's
where I found you and in thatmoment I didn't think it was a
panic attack, right, like wedidn't know there was anxiety or
panic attacks happening in you,and so I just sat with you.
The best way I could in thatmoment was just sat with you and
(24:20):
be there with you, right, and Ithink that laid the foundation
for how I responded when futureevents like this happened.
The when I mentioned being angry, right, it was when I was
finishing building our house andyou had a panic attack about um
packing packing yes, yeah, wewere just a box we were just
(24:41):
getting done with with thishouse and I was on my way over
here, one of my buddies, who Ihadn't seen in years, was coming
to help me.
Oh, yes, yes.
And Selena was at home gettingready to pack and you had two
kids under two.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
Small kids yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
And you're trying to close up a house to move yeah,
right Over the weekend, yeah,and I'm on the phone with you
and you spiral while we're onthe phone.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
And.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
I'm getting off at the exit by our house to like go
to work on the house, yeah, andyou just spiral right on the
phone with me.
I remember like it wasyesterday what did it sound like
?
It just was one thing you justkept going deeper and deeper
fears and worries.
It was just fears and worries.
I can't remember the quotes,what you were talking about, but
it was all fears and worries soI was just, I was just voicing
the fear and the worries, yes,and then, but spiraling with
(25:30):
them, yeah, it wasn't likerational yeah and then it got to
a point where I could hear youhyperventilating and I'm like
dang and I gotta turn aroundyeah, and I just turn around, go
back to where you are and again, just be with you through that
moment and just wait for you tocatch your breath.
You know.
Turn the fan on make sure youdon't hyperventilate you gave me
(25:52):
melatonin, I give you amelatonin hang out with the kids
so you can just chill yeahright, and just wait for it to
pass so going back to um, whenwe were engaged yeah I got to
the house and I couldn't findthe lights.
Oh, okay.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
So that's why I was in the dark, because it was a
brand new house and I didn'tknow the house well enough to
know where the lights were.
And I was trying to find thelights on the walls but there
were so many boxes and therewere so many things in the way
that I couldn't find it.
And that's what triggered theattack.
And the reason why I started tospiral in the first place was
(26:34):
because I was leaving thesecurity of my father, my uncle.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
And I was like I no longer had his covering because
I was now shifting under myhusband's covering.
I was shifting over yourcovering and so it freaked me
out because I'm like what ifthis guy can't pay the bills?
And then I'm stuck underneathhim not paying the bills?
I left my security of my familyand now I have to fully trust
(27:05):
in this guy to take care of meand to take care of our needs,
and that's what set me off.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
Okay, and so what helped me get over that was I
really just felt God.
I felt like you know they sayGod whispers.
I really felt like a firmwhisper of like I need you to
trust me.
I need you to trust me.
If you don't trust Kyle yet,you can at least trust me.
And that's what kind of got meto calm myself a little.
(27:36):
Back down to the point ofmoving.
I think it was the same thing.
It was like we were moving outof our home into this new city,
away from our family, into thisnew city, away from our family,
into this new place.
Yeah, this and I and you wereworking on it, you were working
on the house for so long.
(27:57):
Yeah, and I was just I think Iwas just uncertain of like this
newness it was it was sounfamiliar to me yeah that it
every time I tried to pack I Icouldn't.
I would start shaking, and Icouldn't because I'm like I'm
about to leave the secured placethat we have built our whole
(28:20):
marriage.
Yeah, and I'm leaving into thisnew place and this was at the.
You know, if you guys want togo back and listen to the hard
seasons, we talk about thisseason, but Kyle was gone a lot,
you were renovating a lot, alot.
So I was by myself, I was tired,I was drained, I had the two
kids and now I'm going into thisunknown place and it's like you
(28:41):
weren't there to really help metransition into that place.
You were just expecting to meetme there in the new place.
And so going into thattransition of from one house to
another I think it's kind ofalmost similar to the, the
moving in.
When we were first married Iwas leaving a covering and going
(29:02):
into a new setting, into a newcovering, and I it was that
transition of like going intothat, you know, almost like the
Jordan River.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
Crossing the Red Sea moment.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
Yeah, crossing into the sea that led me into the
fear of I don't know if this isgoing to work out.
And then again, god was liketrust in me.
Just trust in me, and that'swhat kind of helped me get
through it.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
That's real.
That's what real marriage lookslike.
Real relationship is just beingwith that person through the
thick and thin, trusting thatGod's going to get us through.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
And we're definitely going to have an episode of how
we can help partners throughthose times.
But I mean, it just goes toshow you guys anxiety comes
everywhere, comes out ofanywhere and spouses will feel
it differently.
Yeah, comes out of anywhere andspouses will feel it
differently.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
Certainly.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
And it will come in different seasons.
And we have to be mindful that,while it is affecting your
physical body, where it ispossible for doctors to diagnose
it and to help treat it withmedication, at the end of the
day, underneath all of that, itis an attack of the enemy to
(30:14):
take your sights away from God.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
To distract you from that fruit of the Holy Spirit.
Absolutely, man.
This series is so real.
Yes, it's going to be emotional.
It's going to be challenging.
Guys are going to getuncomfortable, girls are going
to get uncomfortable.
Marriages are going to beemotional.
It's going to be challenging.
Guys are going to getuncomfortable, girls are going
to get uncomfortable.
Marriages are going to getstronger.
Yes, we're going to haveactions, we're going to have
plans.
We're going to have goodquestions, good ways to work
(30:38):
through it as a couple, so thatyou're not just left just
sitting together in silence.
You're not just leftminimalizing each other's
emotions, each other's fears,each other's worries not
minimizing, minimizing.
Y'all know what I mean.
And all of that works togetherto to help you when it's time to
(31:00):
to to live by faith, to love byfaith.
Amen, and I think that's theperfect word to end down.
Speaker 1 (31:07):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
Let's pray, you can do the CTA and we'll.
We'll get Amen, and I thinkthat's the perfect word to end
on Absolutely.
Let's pray, you can do the CTAand we'll get out of here All
right.
Lord, jesus, we know that peaceis from you.
Your peace, you left with us,lord.
You never took it away.
You left it with us.
Help us today to remember thatpeace when we're worried, when
(31:28):
we're anxious, when we'restruggling to find the words,
when we're unsure.
Help us to lean into your HolySpirit power and to trust that
it will guide us.
In Jesus' name, amen.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
Amen.
Thank you guys so much fortuning in and listening and
watching with us and for beingvulnerable with us.
We know anxiety is not asensitive, uh, it's not an easy
subject, so for you guys to be apart of this, we just truly
appreciate and thank you.
If you're watching on youtube,make sure you like, share,
subscribe.
If you're listening to us onone of the pop cats platforms,
(32:00):
what podcast platforms?
There you go that's what I said.
Podcast platforms okay, you sayit three times fast podcast
platform.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
Podcast platform.
Podcast it three times fast.
Podcast platform.
Podcast platform.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
Podcast platform anyways, podcast platform please
make sure you share, pleasemake sure you give us a
five-star review that's right orwrite, uh, a review for us,
just telling other people howlove by faith has impacted you,
so that they can get the newsand they can love by faith as
well that's right, we hope tosee you guys next week.
Tune in till then and love byfaith y'all Love by faith y'all
(32:33):
Take care.
Bye, see ya.
You know, okay, I always saytake care.
I don't want to say take care,because every time I think of
the word take care, the phrase,I think of a phrase from a
(32:53):
cartoon and I don't rememberwhere it came from.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
It's like take care now, bye, bye.
Then when is that from?
Speaker 2 (33:00):
You don't know.
Nope, that wasn't in mychildhood.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Take care now, bye, bye.
Then I can't remember where itcame from it bye, bye.
Then I can't remember where itcame from, and it always pops up
every time I say that phrase uh, take care, is not that bad,
it's worse, no, but it's againit's, where is it anxiety?
Speaker 2 (33:19):
no no, don't do it.
I can't stand that.
Can't stand that.
Did it.
I'm trying to find.
I read a great book on anxietyand I'm trying to find it.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
We could listen to it , or we could add it to the
description or share it inanother episode.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
I just got done.
Speaker 1 (33:38):
I just got done with a really good book that I will
definitely recommend.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
Okay, want to share it.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
Yeah, right now Okay.
We're in the post credits.
Yes, I got to go Kai.
Yeah, right now.
Okay, we're in the post credit.
Speaker 2 (33:49):
Yes, I gotta go, kai, you gotta go.
Speaker 1 (33:50):
Yeah, I gotta go all right, all right, bye.
We couldn't get out of the second season until we
had a really good discussion onthe topic of anxiety.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
What am I doing wrong ?
That she's not, like you know,trying to connect here.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
The enemy can certainly use the marriage as a
distraction.
I need you to trust me.
We're not perfect people.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
By any means.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
But by trusting in God we learned what it takes to
build a friendship.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
A relationship.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
And marriage that has stood the test of time.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
With a keeping it real style.
We're going to talk to youabout everything.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Everything.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
That we've been through.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Are going through.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
And have overcome All by learning how to lean on God
and each other.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
In order to help you learn how to Love by faith.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Welcome Selena.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Welcome.
The fact that we are wearingsweaters in the month of June
just tells you how ratchet ourcity is for these weather
conditions.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
This climate has just got to get over it and bring on
summer.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
You know, sometimes it gets cold because there's
something happening down south.
Is there something that we'renot aware of?
Speaker 2 (01:20):
So since my job doesn't connect with the weather
like it used to, I don't evenpay attention that deep.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
You know, because there's a big storm.
I know it's been a wet spring,but it's not the hurricane
season.
No, it's just straight.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
It's fall, they're just being Spring transition
just being weird.
Yeah, nothing we can do aboutit.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Nothing you can do about it.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
I think that connects us good to today's topic
connects us good to today'stopic.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Oh, it kind of does.
You're right.
Yeah, that's good.
Do you want to tell everybodywhat our new?
Speaker 2 (01:48):
series is on.
I thought we talked in thecommunication plan series last
month that you were going to dothe intros.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
I thought I was doing the outro.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
You're really good at that part.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
I thought I was doing the outros Okay.
Fine, I will go ahead andannounce it.
So welcome everybody.
Welcome to Love by Faith Kyleand.
Selena here we are in the monthof June, though it looks like
we are here in November briskNovember but in the month of
June we decided that we reallywanted to.
We couldn't get out of thesecond season until we had a
(02:19):
really good discussion on thetopic of anxiety, discussion on
the topic of anxiety.
So all month long we're goingto be talking to couples about
how anxiety affects theirmarriage Okay.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
How has anxiety affected your marriage?
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Oh geez.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Start small, you can start small.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Okay, here is the thing I did not realize that I
had anxiety until the middle ofour marriage.
I did not know that that wassomething that I was dealing
with.
I didn't necessarily go to adoctor and I didn't get
diagnosed and I didn't getprescribed medications.
I got to a point where I couldnot control the anxiety anymore.
(03:02):
Okay, and then I ended up goingto counseling.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
And in counseling they revealed to me like, look
at all these things, yeah, it'sa mess, you have anxiety and I'm
like what?
And they're like from yourtrauma.
And I'm like I have trauma andthey're like let's go back and
run the list, and they're likebuh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh,
buh and I'm like, oh yeah, thatmakes a lot of sense.
(03:27):
So once I got the clarity thatI had, it then began the battle
to overcome it.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
Okay, wow, I think.
For me coming into marriage, Idid not expect anxiety to play a
part For you or for In ourmarriage in general.
Okay, I expect.
I expected like we would eachhave worries that were like
future driven worries, likeworried about if we make enough
money, worried about if we'd beable to buy a house, worried
about if we'd be able to havekids those are pretty general
(03:57):
worries for a newlywed reallyrational stuff yeah what I
didn't anticipate was having tolive with a partner who had
anxieties like you described,and I never imagined the types
of real anxieties that wouldhappen in me.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
And as far as worrying about how to be the
best man for you, worried abouthow to take care of the family
the best, worried about doingall the business of marriage and
getting that all done in time,what does that mean?
My chores and the stuff I haveto get done around the house to
keep our house balanced.
Because if I don't get thatdone, the house is out of
balance and people are worriedbecause dad's not holding up his
(04:43):
end of the deal or thehusband's not holding up his end
of the deal, or, you know, thehusband's not holding up his end
of the deal.
You know, like we had a great,we have a great plan for what
our household duties are to keepthe house running smooth.
And it's easy to fall off ofthat.
For me and at the beginning ofour marriage, I thought, man,
it'd be easy.
I'm, you know, I was innewlywed season.
(05:03):
I was all like Everything's solovely and rose colored glasses
right in the newlywed season no,still gotta pick up, pick up
the stuff off the floor.
Still gotta do the trash.
Still gotta maintain it all sothat you can still have the, the
peaceful moments.
This you can't go on a datenight and be focused and have
(05:24):
fun if, in the back of your mind, you got all these chores going
on right.
You got all this chaos for lackof a better word in your house
from it being a mess, and so Ithink that led to more anxiety
in me or can lead to moreanxiety in couples right.
From your perspective, how didyou navigate through that,
(05:44):
dealing with a husband whodoesn't really have I don't have
like outward anxieties, like Iinternalize a ton?
Yes so I think talking to thewomen about how to help when
he's internalizing would be agood way to talk about anxiety
at first, because I think a lotof guys internalize more than
externalize.
So with the guys that aretending to internalize, what
(06:07):
approach do you take?
What do you?
Speaker 1 (06:09):
That's very interesting, Kyle, because I
don't think a lot of people Ipersonally never saw it as two
different ways to cope with withanxiety okay you know, um the
internalized versus externalized.
Yeah, okay yeah, because I wouldsay that I'm an externalized
(06:33):
person.
You know, you see the, thepanic come out of me yeah you,
you hear it, you, you see it inmy behavior and so for.
So can I ask you, like forsomeone who is internalizing it?
So what?
You're just going aboutpretending like it's not there,
but inside you're feeling itLike.
How does that explain that?
Speaker 2 (06:50):
to me.
So inside it's yeah, there'slike I always feel like it's not
unhealthy, right?
Like you said, the concernswere am I going to make enough
money?
Am I going to be able to buy ahouse Like we're going to be
able to have kids?
I mean it going to be able tobuy a house like we're going to
(07:11):
be able to have kids.
I mean it's.
It's not unhealthy until itbecomes unhealthy, until it
becomes an obsession.
So now, today, today's, thosekind of thoughts for me that I
think about are is my companygonna downsize or change?
Is my?
Am I going to be able to sendmy kids to this same school that
we want to send them to?
Yeah, forever.
Am I going to be able to takecare of my wife and buy the
extra things, go on vacationsthat we want to go on?
Right?
So those are the kind ofinternalized anxieties I have
(07:33):
right now how often do you havethese internalized anxieties?
Speaker 1 (07:36):
is it like every day to say it's?
Speaker 2 (07:42):
no, okay, no, it would be periodically and I
probably like when, when thosetopics come up, there is a
nervousness around them, I wouldsay nervousness, right.
So, like each year, when we'redoing the, the forms to sign up
for the next year of school, I'mlike, grateful and thanking god
that we're able to do thiswe're there yeah but until we
(08:03):
get there I'm like all right, Igotta do this so this can happen
.
I process it so that itmotivates me okay to do well.
Okay, right to be top performerat work.
So there's no chance, ifthere's downsizing, that I'm
getting cut yeah right, I Ithink of you know I pick up
overtime so that I know we haveextra money here and there.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
I pick up the extra hours so it's not really
shutting you down, it's notcausing a strain in how you live
day to day I agree.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
Yeah, it's not.
It's.
I've processed it to be amotivator okay.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
So you've recognized what it is and you're like I'm
going to turn this into thisinstead.
Yeah, okay, yeah, that is notwhat happens to me.
There's not what it used tohappen to me what do you mean?
I mean what used to happen toyou the the anxiety would become
so loud and so big that itwould disrupt me to the point
(09:04):
where I couldn't breathe, youknow, like to the point where I
cannot breathe and I'm trying toand I'm freaking out because
I'm like I can't breathe, youknow.
And so you have this attack,this anxiety, this panic attack,
and you can't, I can't function.
And then it because you'rehaving a panic attack and once
the panic attack kind of goes,it's kind of like fades, fades.
(09:26):
Your body, your nervous systemis so shocked that you can't do
anything.
And so when you have that whereyou're like I can't even get a
sense of control of my body, howthen could I ever get?
It's really hard to overcomeanxiety if you don't have the
right things in place, becauseit takes you out like that
(09:48):
physically, and so it's like, ifI can't even control myself
physically, then how am I evergoing to get a hold of this?
How am I ever going to turnthis into motivation?
You know, so it was.
It was really hard for me.
I, I, I suffered a lot from it.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
And what about?
So?
You've coached a lot of women,right?
You've spent time talkingthrough these things.
What kind of other anxieties doyou see outside of yours and
mine, from others?
Speaker 1 (10:15):
I don't necessarily hear anxiety come out in women
that I'm coaching.
More than anything it's.
We get anxious because we wantlife to go a certain way and
then we realize that it doesn'tgo that way, and so people get
anxious because they're feelinglike there's this unmet pressure
(10:39):
to perform or to Excel andthey're not reaching it.
And so now they're feeling thein control parts of I'm doing
everything and I can't controlwhat's happening and it's not
going the way I planned it to go, and so it kind of goes into uh
, you know, break the glass boxand I'm just gonna do anything
(11:02):
and I'm just yeah, and it's justlike I'm just gonna make any
type of box and I'm just goingto do anything Like a code red,
yeah, and it's just like I'mjust going to make any type of
decision and I'm just going todo this, and I'm just like.
They don't wait, they're notpatient, they don't seek the
Lord, they're not reallyprocessing, they're not trying
to understand whatever.
God's way is perfect and hispace is perfect.
And if we're not focused onthat, if we're not focused on
the higher, then and if we'reonly focused on what we can do,
(11:27):
then we're always going to fallin this desperation of I can't
get this to go my way.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
So anxiety I mean the way you just described it is
everything.
That's the opposite of thefruit to the Holy spirit.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
Absolutely, Of course , and that's one of the ways how
I overcome, how I was able toovercome it, and back then I
kept going back to I can't dothis, I can't control this.
One of the things that reallytripped me up a lot was in being
(11:57):
a mother and I would have thewinter breaks and the summer
breaks and then I couldn't.
A peaceful environment the wayit was when the kids were in
school.
It wasn't a controlledenvironment because there's
chaos everywhere and they'realways asking for snacks and
there's always a mess andthey're always fighting.
And it got to the point where Ifelt like I was in this tornado
(12:20):
or this hurricane of just chaosthat I could not control, Never
thinking about like I'm notsupposed to control this.
The Holy Spirit's supposed tocome and help me control this.
Let's go.
I'm not supposed to controlthis.
Like the Holy Spirit's supposedto come and help me control this
Like I'm not supposed to do iton my own, but because you're
stuck in the middle of it,you're thinking only about
yourself and you're thinkingonly about what can I do to
control and manage this and howcan I get it to go back to my
(12:43):
way.
And if you lose that control,you fall into the anxiety.
And if you lean into thatanxiety of like, oh no, I can't
control this, oh no, I'mslipping, then you fall into
that place where you have thoseattacks.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
Wow, wow.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
It is literally I mean honestly speaking, when I
look at it hindsight 2020,because I haven't had an attack
in a very long time, since Ifasted for it and I haven't had
an attack in a very long timesince I praise the lord, since I
fasted for it and I haven't hadan attack since the fast of it.
But if you really look at it itis, it is a spiritual attack
sure anxiety is a spiritualattack against people to lose
(13:21):
their focus on the father yes,I'm thinking through in my head
like, like.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
Is anxiety a sin?
Speaker 1 (13:29):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
Because it's putting worry, it's trying to put us in
control and it's showing a gapin our faith that God will help
us through or God will get usthrough, or God is in control of
the situation.
Because so much of what you'resaying about anxiety revolves
around control, and who's incontrol is God.
(13:50):
Who's in control is the HolySpirit.
So you know the word says beanxious for nothing, but that
doesn't say anxiety is a sin,right.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Right.
And so you know, I think ofPeter walking on water.
I'm sure he was anxious when hewas sinking.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
I'm sure he was anxious when he saw the storm.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
And so it comes down to control and it does and faith
I don't.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
It's an interesting way to put it.
Um, there are faithful peoplewho have anxiety and there are
faithful people who havedepression I know you're
faithful, you know, I know yeahand I, honestly, I think it's
just an attack.
I don't think it's.
I think it's just an attack.
I don't think it's.
I think it's because maybe it'sbecause of your faith that you
get attacked, you know, but Idon't think it is, it's just.
(14:35):
Here's the way I have broken itdown.
Here's the way I have broken itdown is, you have faith, but
your mind is not set on thethings above.
You know, the Bible tells usfocus on the things that are
just, the things that are lovely, the things that are pure, the
things that are holy, and if weremove our mind, or if we take
(14:58):
our mind off of those things,then we start to focus on the
other things, which is not thosethings, it's the opposite of
those things, and so, therefore,you kind of just lose sight.
I don't think it's a matter ofhow strong your faith is.
I think it's going to be anattack on anyone, whether you're
a pastor, whether you'rewalking into church for the
(15:18):
first time, or whether you'venever stepped foot in church and
you're only hearing about Jesusas this cool guy and you know
he's a cool dude, I rock him.
You know, and I feel like theenemy is going to use that,
because they can see the cracksin our flesh, they could see the
insecurities, they could seewhat we are most likely to slip
(15:40):
and fall on.
And for people who likesecurity, who gain security in
control.
I like things to be a certainway.
I see myself with this timeline.
I have my vision for it.
I envision it going this way.
The enemy can see what you'redoing and he could probably use
that as an attack to be likeyou're not in control of this.
I'm going to, I'm going to giveyou a flat tire.
(16:02):
You know, I'm going to, I'mgoing to make your refrigerator
go die.
Not to say that the devil'sdoing that and he's all about
killing our appliances, but yousee what I'm saying?
Like he can use these ways andjust whisper in our ears of like
look at, you don't have control.
Look at, you'll never getcontrol.
Look at you don't know how tohandle yourself.
Look at you, you're not evengood enough to take control,
(16:23):
take the reins of this thing,this thing.
Like, look at you, you'refalling apart, you're a mess.
You're messy and he'll startplaying this in your head to the
point where you start tobelieve it.
It doesn't necessarily mean thatyou don't have faith.
It's just what the attacks areis a little bit louder than the
whispers of God.
I wouldn't necessarily say it'sa faith thing, but it's
(16:45):
certainly a distraction and Ithink there's a lot of
distractions that the enemy youknow.
I was talking about appliancesand stuff, but the enemy can
certainly use the marriage as adistraction of like you just get
married.
You're not in the house thatyou wanted, like you were saying
the bills, job situations.
Now you're in ministry.
Ministry is distracting youbecause you're not pouring into
(17:08):
your spouse the way you'repouring into all of these
ministries that you're a part of.
The cleaving part and theleaving of family and the making
space for just each other andnot so much friend time or
everybody else's time all ofthose things can lead to anxiety
.
When you have a conflict thevery first time.
You have a really hard conflictin your marriage when you're
(17:31):
first married, that could leadto anxiety of like, oh no, I
thought we were good, but now wehave this issue, what are we?
And the enemy could totally usethat and be like you see, you
guys weren't meant to be marriedin the first place.
You see, everything falls apartwhen you get married.
See, this is why you're notsupposed to do this in the first
place.
Like this is.
You know, he's not the personhe said he was.
Now you're stuck.
Now you're married.
(17:52):
Now you guys are with each otherforever and then you're
spiraling now you're starting tospiral right, because these
attacks start to get louder andlouder in your head because he
didn't make the bed rightexactly seriously.
No, it's like that.
It's like the littlest thingthe enemy will use as a way to
distract you, because he knowsthat you thrive off of this
sense of security, that thingsneed to be in control.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
So he's there to steal, kill, destroy.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
Steal your peace, yeah.
Steal your security yeah.
Steal your joy, yeah, right,yeah.
Kill your connection, kill yourromantic vibes, kill your fill
in the blank, oh absolutely, oh,and the marriage bad.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
So much anxiety comes from the marriage.
Bad.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Ooh.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Think about it that is the one place where you're
supposed to be intimate withyour partner.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
Okay, one-on-one, no one else Right?
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Right, like you and them, and it's like you can be
intimate in all of the otherareas.
You can be emotionally intimate, spiritually intimate, and then
, once you get married, that'ssupposed to be the frosting, the
physical intimacy.
If there is a problem there,for whatever your problems are,
because we all have some kind ofissue that we got to work
(19:03):
through at some point in thatbed area yeah, in that bed area.
Yeah, if that is the thing,that's like embarrassing or
brings shame or bringsdiscomfort or brings fear or
brings doubt, then the enemywill use that and then that will
build anxiety because it's like.
I know I have to do this, Iknow he wants it, I know she's
(19:24):
not responding to me.
I know she's not responding tome.
I know she's not flirting withme.
I know she's not desiring meLike that causes anxiety.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
Right, yeah, no, absolutely it does cause anxiety
.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
It causes a lot.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
We're never going to get in bed again.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
Right.
And then how does that evolveand ripple into your marriage?
Speaker 2 (19:44):
Absolutely.
Now he's insecure Because, like, what am I doing wrong that you
don't want me?
I'm going to the gym.
What is what am I doing wrongthat she's not, like you know,
trying to connect here.
I'm gonna go see connectionsomewhere else.
You're right and you know it's.
That's real man yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
so it's all of the things my I want to ask you
because I did have panic attacks.
I had a lot of panic attacksand to the point where you would
try to console me, partner, youknow, if your husband's the one
to have an anxiety attacks, howdid you, as a partner, feel in
(20:36):
that space when I was goingthrough, when I was experiencing
major anxiety?
Speaker 2 (20:41):
Honest answer.
Yes, I was kind of mad.
Okay why?
Because the first time Iremember you having anxiety I'm
sorry, I'll take that back.
The first time I remember youhaving anxiety was when we moved
into our new house, when wewere newlyweds.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
Okay, the day you moved in there, so you don't
count us getting engaged as apanic attack you do, and so I
can't discredit that.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
Okay, but in my mind it didn't seem like that okay,
it just seemed like overwhelmingjoy enveloped around it seemed
like overwhelming joy okay andthat's it.
Could have been a panic attack,but it seemed like definitely
was it seemed like overwhelmingjoy okay so you think of moving
in.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
Can you tell the story?
Speaker 2 (21:25):
when we moved in to our new house.
Selena moved in.
It was around her birthday.
We got the new place, yeah, andI wasn't moving until after the
wedding Birthday's in February,wedding's in May so she had a
few months to live all on herown.
Yeah, get our house ready to bea home, yeah, right, so Selena
moves into our apartment, right?
It's the first day I.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
We're supposed to be helping.
We're supposed to help at thewedding, both of us At the
wedding.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
I'm an usher.
She's supposed to be an usherat the wedding.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Yeah, it was like the day after my birthday.
Speaker 2 (21:51):
And I think it was your literal birthday.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
Oh yeah, I think it was your literal birthday.
Speaker 2 (21:55):
You moved in.
Okay, snap, yeah, literallyyour birthday.
Dang, that was a messed upbirthday At the wedding doing
the things.
We had already got all thestuff moved in, right, right,
your uncle helped you move stuff, yeah, and you came to the
wedding and dropped somethingoff to me, and then you're at
(22:15):
the house, yes, and I'm gettingdone with the wedding and I'm
not hearing from you, and it'slike this is weird.
Why isn't she sharing joy,sending pictures?
Those kind of things Can.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
I share for a second.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
It was the last goodbye of my uncle before I.
It was like the last load and Isaid, okay, I'm going to take
this load, I'm going to put itin my car, I'm going to go to
the wedding, I'm going to help.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
And then I'll take this load to the house.
Okay, I said goodbye to myuncle.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
You were at his house .
Speaker 1 (22:45):
I was at his house.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
I lived with my uncle yeah, because the wedding was
just down the street from thehouse, right?
So?
Speaker 1 (22:49):
I said goodbye to him yeah and it wasn't a sobby
goodbye my uncle's not a sobbyperson.
He probably shook your hand hedid yeah, okay, goodbye, you
know, like we're done, it wasnice, yeah, and I I was losing
it on the way to the weddingyeah I felt myself breaking down
wow and so I got out of the carand I got to the entrance of
(23:11):
the wedding, but then I said Ican't do this because I'm a mess
and I don't want to mess uptheir day.
So that's when I told you I needto go home I appreciate that
you put on a fake face Icouldn't control it yeah I, I, I
couldn't control it, just likeanxiety, I couldn't control it.
Just like anxiety, I couldn'tcontrol it.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
It was anxiety, I started spiraling, so I get.
So there, you started spiraling.
Speaker 1 (23:33):
Yes, right then At the wedding.
On the way to the wedding.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
I started so fast forward to when I get done at
the wedding, I go to her house,I go to our house, but it was
hers because she was the onlyone living there at the time.
And the house is dark.
It's after dark.
I couldn't find the lights.
The lights were off and she'slaying.
We had a futon.
I think that was like our onlyfurniture piece at the time.
Yeah, we had a futon, we had adining room table and that was
(23:59):
it.
Yeah, and she's just layingthere, crying, just sobbing.
Yeah, I I'm sorry to bring thisup, but it's just like that's
where I found you and in thatmoment I didn't think it was a
panic attack, right, like wedidn't know there was anxiety or
panic attacks happening in you,and so I just sat with you.
The best way I could in thatmoment was just sat with you and
(24:20):
be there with you, right, and Ithink that laid the foundation
for how I responded when futureevents like this happened.
The when I mentioned being angry, right, it was when I was
finishing building our house andyou had a panic attack about um
packing packing yes, yeah, wewere just a box we were just
(24:41):
getting done with with thishouse and I was on my way over
here, one of my buddies, who Ihadn't seen in years, was coming
to help me.
Oh, yes, yes.
And Selena was at home gettingready to pack and you had two
kids under two.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
Small kids yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
And you're trying to close up a house to move yeah,
right Over the weekend, yeah,and I'm on the phone with you
and you spiral while we're onthe phone.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
And.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
I'm getting off at the exit by our house to like go
to work on the house, yeah, andyou just spiral right on the
phone with me.
I remember like it wasyesterday what did it sound like
?
It just was one thing you justkept going deeper and deeper
fears and worries.
It was just fears and worries.
I can't remember the quotes,what you were talking about, but
it was all fears and worries soI was just, I was just voicing
the fear and the worries, yes,and then, but spiraling with
(25:30):
them, yeah, it wasn't likerational yeah and then it got to
a point where I could hear youhyperventilating and I'm like
dang and I gotta turn aroundyeah, and I just turn around, go
back to where you are and again, just be with you through that
moment and just wait for you tocatch your breath.
You know.
Turn the fan on make sure youdon't hyperventilate you gave me
(25:52):
melatonin, I give you amelatonin hang out with the kids
so you can just chill yeahright, and just wait for it to
pass so going back to um, whenwe were engaged yeah I got to
the house and I couldn't findthe lights.
Oh, okay.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
So that's why I was in the dark, because it was a
brand new house and I didn'tknow the house well enough to
know where the lights were.
And I was trying to find thelights on the walls but there
were so many boxes and therewere so many things in the way
that I couldn't find it.
And that's what triggered theattack.
And the reason why I started tospiral in the first place was
(26:34):
because I was leaving thesecurity of my father, my uncle.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
And I was like I no longer had his covering because
I was now shifting under myhusband's covering.
I was shifting over yourcovering and so it freaked me
out because I'm like what ifthis guy can't pay the bills?
And then I'm stuck underneathhim not paying the bills?
I left my security of my familyand now I have to fully trust
(27:05):
in this guy to take care of meand to take care of our needs,
and that's what set me off.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
Okay, and so what helped me get over that was I
really just felt God.
I felt like you know they sayGod whispers.
I really felt like a firmwhisper of like I need you to
trust me.
I need you to trust me.
If you don't trust Kyle yet,you can at least trust me.
And that's what kind of got meto calm myself a little.
(27:36):
Back down to the point ofmoving.
I think it was the same thing.
It was like we were moving outof our home into this new city,
away from our family, into thisnew city, away from our family,
into this new place.
Yeah, this and I and you wereworking on it, you were working
on the house for so long.
(27:57):
Yeah, and I was just I think Iwas just uncertain of like this
newness it was it was sounfamiliar to me yeah that it
every time I tried to pack I Icouldn't.
I would start shaking, and Icouldn't because I'm like I'm
about to leave the secured placethat we have built our whole
(28:20):
marriage.
Yeah, and I'm leaving into thisnew place and this was at the.
You know, if you guys want togo back and listen to the hard
seasons, we talk about thisseason, but Kyle was gone a lot,
you were renovating a lot, alot.
So I was by myself, I was tired,I was drained, I had the two
kids and now I'm going into thisunknown place and it's like you
(28:41):
weren't there to really help metransition into that place.
You were just expecting to meetme there in the new place.
And so going into thattransition of from one house to
another I think it's kind ofalmost similar to the, the
moving in.
When we were first married Iwas leaving a covering and going
(29:02):
into a new setting, into a newcovering, and I it was that
transition of like going intothat, you know, almost like the
Jordan River.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
Crossing the Red Sea moment.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
Yeah, crossing into the sea that led me into the
fear of I don't know if this isgoing to work out.
And then again, god was liketrust in me.
Just trust in me, and that'swhat kind of helped me get
through it.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
That's real.
That's what real marriage lookslike.
Real relationship is just beingwith that person through the
thick and thin, trusting thatGod's going to get us through.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
And we're definitely going to have an episode of how
we can help partners throughthose times.
But I mean, it just goes toshow you guys anxiety comes
everywhere, comes out ofanywhere and spouses will feel
it differently.
Yeah, comes out of anywhere andspouses will feel it
differently.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
Certainly.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
And it will come in different seasons.
And we have to be mindful that,while it is affecting your
physical body, where it ispossible for doctors to diagnose
it and to help treat it withmedication, at the end of the
day, underneath all of that, itis an attack of the enemy to
(30:14):
take your sights away from God.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
To distract you from that fruit of the Holy Spirit.
Absolutely, man.
This series is so real.
Yes, it's going to be emotional.
It's going to be challenging.
Guys are going to getuncomfortable, girls are going
to get uncomfortable.
Marriages are going to beemotional.
It's going to be challenging.
Guys are going to getuncomfortable, girls are going
to get uncomfortable.
Marriages are going to getstronger.
Yes, we're going to haveactions, we're going to have
plans.
We're going to have goodquestions, good ways to work
(30:38):
through it as a couple, so thatyou're not just left just
sitting together in silence.
You're not just leftminimalizing each other's
emotions, each other's fears,each other's worries not
minimizing, minimizing.
Y'all know what I mean.
And all of that works togetherto to help you when it's time to
(31:00):
to to live by faith, to love byfaith.
Amen, and I think that's theperfect word to end down.
Speaker 1 (31:07):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
Let's pray, you can do the CTA and we'll.
We'll get Amen, and I thinkthat's the perfect word to end
on Absolutely.
Let's pray, you can do the CTAand we'll get out of here All
right.
Lord, jesus, we know that peaceis from you.
Your peace, you left with us,lord.
You never took it away.
You left it with us.
Help us today to remember thatpeace when we're worried, when
(31:28):
we're anxious, when we'restruggling to find the words,
when we're unsure.
Help us to lean into your HolySpirit power and to trust that
it will guide us.
In Jesus' name, amen.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
Amen.
Thank you guys so much fortuning in and listening and
watching with us and for beingvulnerable with us.
We know anxiety is not asensitive, uh, it's not an easy
subject, so for you guys to be apart of this, we just truly
appreciate and thank you.
If you're watching on youtube,make sure you like, share,
subscribe.
If you're listening to us onone of the pop cats platforms,
(32:00):
what podcast platforms?
There you go that's what I said.
Podcast platforms okay, you sayit three times fast podcast
platform.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
Podcast platform.
Podcast it three times fast.
Podcast platform.
Podcast platform.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
Podcast platform anyways, podcast platform please
make sure you share, pleasemake sure you give us a
five-star review that's right orwrite, uh, a review for us,
just telling other people howlove by faith has impacted you,
so that they can get the newsand they can love by faith as
well that's right, we hope tosee you guys next week.
Tune in till then and love byfaith y'all Love by faith y'all
(32:33):
Take care.
Bye, see ya.
You know, okay, I always saytake care.
I don't want to say take care,because every time I think of
the word take care, the phrase,I think of a phrase from a
(32:53):
cartoon and I don't rememberwhere it came from.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
It's like take care now, bye, bye.
Then when is that from?
Speaker 2 (33:00):
You don't know.
Nope, that wasn't in mychildhood.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Take care now, bye, bye.
Then I can't remember where itcame from it bye, bye.
Then I can't remember where itcame from, and it always pops up
every time I say that phrase uh, take care, is not that bad,
it's worse, no, but it's againit's, where is it anxiety?
Speaker 2 (33:19):
no no, don't do it.
I can't stand that.
Can't stand that.
Did it.
I'm trying to find.
I read a great book on anxietyand I'm trying to find it.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
We could listen to it , or we could add it to the
description or share it inanother episode.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
I just got done.
Speaker 1 (33:38):
I just got done with a really good book that I will
definitely recommend.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
Okay, want to share it.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
Yeah, right now Okay.
We're in the post credits.
Yes, I got to go Kai.
Yeah, right now.
Okay, we're in the post credit.
Speaker 2 (33:49):
Yes, I gotta go, kai, you gotta go.
Speaker 1 (33:50):
Yeah, I gotta go all right, all right, bye.
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