Wives, respect your husbands. Even when you don't want to.
Unlock the secrets to a healthier marriage by embracing the transformative power of unconditional respect. Inspired by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' renowned book "Love and Respect," our latest episode tackles the emotional depth of respect in marital relationships.
Join us as we confront the challenges faced by many wives who struggle with this concept, especially during trying times. Discover how empathy and understanding your partner's viewpoint can solidify your marriage's foundation, guiding you through those tough conversations with love and respect as your compass.
We journey into the heart of what makes respect such a pivotal element for men, and explore why it's often the root of conflict when seen as lacking.
From the perspective of wives, we discuss the delicate balance between showing respect and reclaiming one's voice when feeling unheard or unloved.
Together, we unravel the underlying vulnerabilities and frustrations that fuel these disconnects, offering strategies to navigate them with grace and compassion. By understanding these dynamics, couples gain the tools necessary to transform potential conflict into opportunities for deeper connection and mutual growth.
Communication stands as a cornerstone of this transformation, and we delve into how strategic and respectful dialogue can bridge years of emotional distance.
Learn how to articulate dissatisfaction in a manner that encourages positive change, rather than sowing discord. We also emphasize the importance of reciprocal love and respect in sustaining a harmonious partnership. Whether you're facing the task of rebuilding after years of neglect or simply aiming to enhance your relationship, this episode provides you with actionable insights to cultivate a marriage filled with empathy, understanding, and unconditional respect.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
how wives can respect their husbands even when they
don't want to.
Why is it so hard for wives torespect their husbands?
The ultimate rejection Forgetyou.
I don't care what you have tosay, you don't matter.
Your words don't matter.
Your thoughts don't matter.
Your opinion doesn't matter.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
You're destroying the connection.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
We're not perfect people by any means, but by
trusting in God, we learned whatit takes to build a friendship,
a relationship and marriagethat has.
But by trusting in God, welearned what it takes to build a
friendship, a relationship andmarriage that has stood the test
of time.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
With a Keeping it Real style.
We're going to talk to youabout everything, everything
that we've been through aregoing through and have overcome
all by learning how to lean onGod and each other in order to
help you learn how to Love byFaith and each other in order to
help you learn how to love byfaith I find myself feeling like
(00:59):
more excited to record thepodcast.
When we first started I was likeoh, it's podcast day I don't
know what to say and now thatI've been doing it a while, I'm
just comfortable, I'm gettinginto it.
Yep, I'm feeling like this is aspace where I can be and just
be myself and not have to holdback and not have to like I'm
(01:20):
able to drop my guard a bit.
That's good, I think, alsobeing more prepared I've learned
from last season how to beprepared for this season, for
each show.
Yeah, and I love it.
And it's not a show, but youknow what I mean.
It's for each episode I can bemore prepared.
Amen, what do you do?
Speaker 1 (01:35):
What do I do?
Speaker 2 (01:37):
You rely on all your experience being in front of the
camera.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
I wake up up, I rush to get ready because I know
you're going to be down here ata certain time, and then I sit
in this chair and I drink onecup of coffee and allow the rest
of the coffee to cool downbecause I don't drink it anymore
one sip of coffee in that, yeahone sip of coffee per episode,
and then, when it's done, Ireward myself with an iced
(02:00):
coffee an iced cold coffee.
So last week was a pretty hardweek.
We talked about love andrespect.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
We talked about the book based on that.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
By Dr Emerson Egrich's.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
That's right, and I have it all linked in the
description for you guys to goand get it.
It's a perfect opportunity todo it Holiday season.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
It's a great gift.
There's a devotional to it too.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Oh, if you want to really enrich your love life,
should we do that as a smallgroup?
I feel like they've done itbefore.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
It would be a great one.
So what Can never do this?
So what?
I think you can never do thisbook too much.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
We ain't never done it.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
I love this book.
I love this book.
I love this message.
No, no, I.
That's nice For you.
Thank you For us, for ourfamily, for our future.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
I say it was a hard topic last week because we were
talking about how husbands canlove their wives better.
Right, you know, yes, you guyslove us on an everyday basis,
but what happens when it getshard?
What happens when the wifeloses the will to love back?
How does the husband you knowhusband push through and fight
(03:07):
for that kingdom and thatmarriage?
And so I thought that was apretty hard topic to cover, but
I feel like this topic today isgoing to be even harder.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
That's what makes it such a great book is that both
sides are super challenged to gobeyond what's natural to them
and get into their partner'sshoes and to be empathetic, and
that is such a place wheregrowth can happen in their
marriage.
Amen, yeah.
And so this week we're gettinginto the respect side of love
(03:40):
and respect Respecting yourhusband, how to respect him the
way he wants to be respected no,you had a really good title
last week.
You said how wives can respecttheir husbands even when they
don't want to yes, yes, yes, andthat's the one of the huge
points in the book is thatrespect can be unconditional as
(04:03):
well and should be unconditional.
You shouldn't wives shouldn'tjust respect their husband when
he deserves it.
Right, right, right.
And again, the big presumptionis that each partner has
goodwill towards the otherperson yes, which means that he
is in the right place to dowhat's best for the relationship
(04:24):
.
He has what's best for thecouple in mind in his daily life
, and so that goodwill is.
The result of that isunconditional love from him to
her and then unconditionalrespect from her to him.
I've said a lot in laying outthat the respect side of love
and respect is today.
(04:45):
So, selena, talk to me aboutunconditional respect from your
eyes.
Okay, oh, you did the scrunchieface again.
That's when I know I got it.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
We should have a coffee mug with my scrunchie
face on it, I'm just like thisis hard yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
It's hard being married.
This is real, real life, reallife husband and wife stuff here
.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Here's what I thought about when you were talking and
as we were leading up to thistopic is why is it so hard for
wives to respect their husbands?
Why is it so hard?
Why is it so hard?
I can't answer that for everyperson out there.
But I can start to digest andprocess.
Why it's difficult and achallenge for me.
(05:27):
Not to say that I disrespect.
Kyle, I think I've come a verylong way from showing respect
and honor to you in public, infront of kids, in private, in
our own room, in our heavyconversations.
I feel like I've been growingin this area and I've been doing
a great job.
But why is it so easy todisrespect?
(05:49):
Why is it always one of thosethings that you pull out of
weapon that we can easilysharpen, that we can easily get,
that we're easily good at usingand that we can easily know, uh
(06:09):
, we can attack with and it willleave a sting?
Speaker 2 (06:12):
this is so good, it will leave a sting, because
respect matters so much to menyeah that when you go there, you
know you're pushing a buttonthat's going to get a reaction.
Going to get a response.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
It's like if there's a medieval table and there's
like the jousting javelin andthe sword and you got the little
ball with the chain and thenunchucks and the ninja stars,
what weapon are you going tochoose as a wife?
If I'm trying to get a quickshot, if I'm trying to get a
deep shot, if I'm going to get ashot where I know I'm trying to
get a deep shot, if I'm goingto get a shot where I know I'm
(06:47):
confident that I'm not going tomiss, I'm going for the
disrespect.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Right, right.
And in those moments you'rechoosing disrespect, because
it's so valuable to your husbandand because that's going to get
the response that you think.
Wives think that that's goingto get the response that they
want, and it doesn't.
It does the exact opposite itcrumbles, it destroys that love
(07:12):
that's coming from him.
I'm making a chopping motionbecause the wall between us is
getting built.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
If it's crumbling, wouldn't it be like sprinkly
fingers that crumble?
Speaker 2 (07:22):
No, it's more violent when you go to disrespect.
It's like me, like me sayingsorry I don't love you right now
and when you're trying to sitdown and have a talk and talk
through everything.
No, I'm cool, I'm not talkingabout that, it's the.
It's the ultimate rejection we.
So let me talk about guysperspective so good okay guys,
we live in such a hierarchyworld, right, we're all about
(07:46):
who's the top dog, who's theleader, who's the alpha, and
respecting that Right and in thehome, in our mind when we walk
in this place of our home, we'rethe top dog.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
We're the alpha.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
We're the one who, no matter what anyone thinks
outside of these walls, insideof this place, I'm the king.
Right, it's good, I'm the king.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Right, it's good to be the king.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
And you don't disrespect the king, right?
You know, for recreation I reada lot of medieval books.
And you don't disrespect theking, you don't get to Off with
his head, it's that easy, right.
And so we're conditioned tounderstand respect as men.
Yeah, for our whole life, fromour fathers all the way,
grandfathers, all of it.
We are conditioned tounderstand respect, and when you
(08:29):
bring that weapon, you'redestroying what we have to give
back to you and love.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Right, so I'm going to.
That is your side, right?
That's, that's the side that'sthe side of how guys are
interpreting when, what happenswhen they get disrespected by
their person, their teammate,their helper, their home, their
partner, their, their other half.
Right, right their rib, if youwill.
Right, and sometimes we are notdoing it for you, sometimes
(08:59):
we're doing it for us, yep,sometimes that is not the reason
why we choose that weapon.
We're not choosing a weapon toknock you off your alpha stool.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Right.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Okay, we're not there to shoot you off your high
horse, we're there to.
We're disrespecting sometimesbecause we're trying to regain
our own power.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
Disrespect comes from a place of weakness.
If you're trying to regainpower, power Disrespect comes
from a place of weakness.
If you're trying to regainpower, then you're weak, right.
So you're coming from a placeof.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
We're trying to.
Here's what I would say is, ifthere is a wife who is
frustrated, who is at her end,who is depleted, who is feeling
defeated, and now she has tocome and serve this dude and
treat him respectfully, she justdoesn't have it in her because
she feels like it's not beingreciprocated.
(09:49):
He's not loving her the waythat she needs to be loved.
He's not hearing her, he's notconsidering her, he is totally
dismissing her.
So she's like F that I'm goingto dismiss too, because I'm
going to take a stand for myself.
I'm going to stand up formyself.
I'm going to dismiss too,because I'm going to take a
stand for myself.
I'm going to stand up formyself, I'm going to hold my
ground and I don't care what hehas to say at the moment,
because he doesn't care about me.
(10:11):
Therefore, f, that dude, I'mgoing to dismiss him, I'm going
to disrespect him.
And so she's using it as a wayto, yes, to jab at him, but also
to reclaim some of herself,because she realizes like, who's
fighting for me?
At the end of the day, who'sfighting for me?
I have to fight for me, becausethere's no one in my corner
(10:33):
holding me down.
So forget you.
I don't care what you have tosay.
You don't matter.
Your words don't matter, yourthoughts don't matter.
Your opinion doesn't matter.
Your words don't matter, yourthoughts don't matter, your
opinion doesn't matter.
I'm going to take the reins ofthis horse now and I'm going to
guide myself, because the onlyone I could trust in this
situation right now is me.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
So this is a perfect example of the crazy cycle,
because obviously she is no,it's what he describes perfectly
.
She is obviously not been lovedthe right way.
If she's responding that way,you're missing on your love part
.
You're missing in yourconnection part.
You're missing in yourunderstanding part.
You're missing in you'reenergizing each other part as a
(11:13):
husband.
So if this is the responseyou're getting, it comes back to
you to look inside and say hey,wait a second.
She's showing disrespect.
How am I not loving her right?
And that's hard In the moment,when you're getting challenged
and disrespected, it's hard tosay wait a second, this is my
fault because I didn't love herright.
And in the same breath, this isthe challenge to the wife in
(11:35):
that.
wait a second.
This is happening because he'snot loving me good enough.
I want to respond like thisbecause I feel unloved.
And wives stop and say hey, Ifeel really unloved right now
because of this, this and this,and I want to disrespect you,
but you deserve so much respect,but I'm having a hard time
respecting you right now.
And say it just like that tohim.
(11:56):
And it'll get such a responsebecause men have a need for
conquest so we have the one sideof you.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Good, no, I'm not, you're worked up.
Yes, do you have more to say?
Speaker 2 (12:09):
yes, okay men have a need for conquest.
Yes, right, we have a need togo and be victorious.
Yes, and when you, our wife,our maiden, our princess that we
rescued from the queen, fromthe, from the dragon, is telling
us that you're having a hardtime respecting us right now, we
(12:30):
want to be victorious in that.
We want to gain that back.
Sometimes, the healthyrelationship that has goodwill.
The man will want to earn thatback that's good and will want
to complete that conquest.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
So in this part of the podcast we talked about the
healthy conquest.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
But there is also an unhealthy conquest that I think
we need to talk about as well.
So, we talked about the healthypart of a man who wills to have
a loving marriage and is takingthe leadership role to do what
it takes to express love and tobe the man that his wife needs
(13:09):
to be so that as a return, as areciprocated result, she
respects.
But what about when you havesomething in the mix like pride
and ego, because not everyhusband is a willing husband.
Sometimes guys will go into therole of husband and just assume
that, oh, I'm the man of thehouse, I'm the Lord of this land
(13:33):
, you're going to do whatever Isay.
It doesn't matter what I do, itdoesn't matter what I feel, it
doesn't matter what I say.
You're still going to respectme because you're the wife you
submit.
That's how it's supposed to bein the body.
You know they'll start to twistwhat the word is saying to meet
their own selfish needs and toprovide their prideful gain.
(13:55):
And how do we go about thatwhen a wife is underneath this
leadership of a man who seesbeing a husband as being a lord
and not really taking intoaccount?
I have something that I need tocontribute.
I need to express love.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Does that sound loving?
Does that sound like?
Speaker 1 (14:15):
from a guy.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Does that sound loving?
Like you need to just do this,because I said so and this is
your spot to do this, the end.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
But at the same time there are people out there who
do that, and then they how doyou unconditionally respect in
that situation?
Speaker 2 (14:32):
Maybe for some women y'all can but for me this goes
back to the sentence I just saidsaid I want to respect you
unconditionally through this.
I want to respect you as thehead of this house, but when you
force it on me like this, Ifind it very difficult to
respect you.
I find it very difficult torespond respectfully, and you
(14:55):
might need to gather, becauseyou sound pretty fired up.
So, as a wife, if that's howyou're feeling, you might need
to step back and take a breatherand tell him hey, give me a
minute to gather my thoughts andwhen you come back to him, say,
hey, I want to respect you, Iwant to respect your authority
in this house, but when youdemand it of me, that is the
last thing I want and that isthe last thing I'm capable of
doing.
(15:16):
I don't know what you want tocall it.
I want to call it love.
If his way of being around thehouse is to just lord over his
wife, that's not a way of love.
No, love does not seek its own.
That's right in the scripture,right.
That's not it.
That is selfish, that isself-centered, and that is not
(15:39):
the way to have a relationshipthat is going to work.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
It's not.
It's not because you'redestroying the connection,
you're destroying the desperatefor help, desperate for a way to
turn this tide.
And there is a man who is veryhard in heart, stubborn in his
ways, and is using that title ofhusband as a way to force
respect.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Then he's being unloving Period.
If that's where it is.
He's being unloving and herbest weapon is to say I'm trying
my best to respect you rightnow, but you're making it very
challenging for me.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
I feel unloved when you treat me like this.
The hardest part of all that issaying it in a controlled
manner, like I just did, becausethe emotions are running high
when you get to this place.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Right.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Because you've been triggered so much by being
oppressed, right, and so sayingthat to him in that controlled
way is how to do it.
And another step men love words, right?
Okay, most men fall betweenwords of affirmation and
physical touch in the lovelanguage spectrum.
Yeah, right, right, write itdown.
(17:00):
Write him that note.
Keep it short Three sentencesbro, I want to love you.
I want to respect youunconditionally.
I'm finding it hard to respectyou when you treat me like this.
How can we make this better?
You treat me like this.
How can we make this better?
(17:20):
And if he has goodwill for themarriage, he will respond in a
way to complete that, to to fixthat.
And if he has no interest infixing that, it's time to go
deeper and get get realprofessional help where you two
can sit down with a couple orwith a counselor and they can
really pour into the marriage.
Because something is, somethingis really off.
(17:43):
Yeah.
When you get to that point, ifhe is not willing to do what
she's asking for love, yeah.
Or if she is not willing to dowhat it takes to show him
respect, even though he's backback to loving and back to
really fulfilling his role as ahusband, that's when you got to
bring in the professionals,because there is something super
(18:04):
deep there that you need towork through and there's hurt
there that you need to get overand there's pain in there that
needs to be chiseled away andreplaced with love.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Yeah, amen.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
Like Japanese kintsugiugi, where the pots are
broken and you put a little bitof gold in between yes to heal
those cracks with some gold oflove got it amen and it's hard
yes there's no, there's no easymagic pill.
Right when it gets to thatpoint, it's off the rails yeah
and it needs.
It's going to take time and timeand time of earning back that
(18:40):
trust and that connection andthat respect, because respect
can be lost, love can be lost,yes, but working back together
as a couple to get there is whatit takes.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
So much for love and respect, man, you went so deep
on that.
I appreciate it.
I'm not done what?
Speaker 1 (18:55):
it.
I'm not done.
What else?
I'm not done what else?
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Here we go.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
Yes, okay.
So let's kind of recap, becausea lot has been said.
So we talked about what doesunconditional respect look like
on the spectrum, when there isgoodwill in making the marriage
work and last and thrive?
Speaker 2 (19:12):
Right.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
Then we talked about, okay, the other side of the
spectrum.
What happens if there is a lackof respect on the man and
there's a hard heart there?
How do you go about trying tostill unconditionally respect
that situation?
What about the other side,where a woman doesn't respect?
She just has pride in her heart, she has an ego, she treats her
(19:33):
husband like a child.
She just feels like he is justan accessory to the marriage.
She's the one calling all theshots, she's the one running
everything, she's the one who'sreally the leader.
It's like that movie, my BigFat Greek Wedding, where the man
is the head but she's the neckand she turns the head and
(19:55):
everybody knows it and everybodyfeels that way.
But at the end of the day, yourhusband is lacking respect
because now everybody is lookingat him like a chump and she is
the one who is creating thisenvironment.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
She is the one who's creating that environment.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
You know what I mean.
And so how can somebody who hasa proud and haughty heart in
that way, how can we speak tothat wife to unconditionally
respect her husband and try tochange things and turn things
around?
Okay so a lot to unpack there.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
Wives want things to be I don't know what the right
word is here In order.
Hold on.
Let me say this again PreciseWives like to have order on
things.
A lot of wives are very type Awant this done, want this done.
When they say Men have a needfor insight, right, we have a
need to make decisions.
Think about our roles, thinkabout our leaderships.
(20:52):
We have a need to delegate.
We have a need to give input,yeah, and if that input is not
received over the years, if thatinput is taken and then done,
you ask me for my opinion andthen you go and do the opposite.
So many times I'm going to stopgiving that input.
Right, and a wife who's foundherself in that situation has
(21:13):
probably trampled over hisinsight for years, has not given
him the chance to make adecision and respected his
decision once he's made it yeahdo you find yourself where this
guy will never make a choice?
well, it's probably because youhaven't respected the choices
he's made or maybe he doesn'tmake the right choice.
(21:34):
Again, you haven't respectedthe choice he's made or maybe he
didn't make the right choice.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Time and time and time again.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
See, this is where you're beating your head against
the wall.
You're not giving him thechance to make the choice.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
What if she did?
And then he continues to makethe wrong choice.
He's not considering all thethings, he's not listening to
her needs, he is doing his ownthing and it becomes a terrible
choice this is where thehusbands are gonna walking into
terrible choices
Speaker 2 (22:01):
this is where the husbands are gonna have.
A takeaway is that it's this isgoes back to the woman's need
for connection, and that youneed to get together on these
choices and talk through it.
Now she's got to give a littlebit and he's got to give a
little bit.
Yeah, right, I think about.
I think about how, like, we buythings.
Okay, this is a good one.
(22:22):
Okay, because a lot of timesyou come to me and you're like
we need a fridge, we just boughta fridge.
Okay, you're like we need afridge.
And I'm like, okay, and I gothe whole list Do you want a
water spout on it?
Do you want the fridge on topor the freezer on top?
Do you want what color?
Do you want?
Right.
(22:42):
And then I come to and I'm likehere's the three options that
are going to be finalists forthis.
And you say, all right, I wantthat one.
Yes, and any one of thosechoices is fine with me, right,
right is fine with me, right,right, you can have any of the
three fridges.
That right, meet all yourcriteria and we buy the fridge.
Healthy decision making skillthere, correct, right, you came
to me, I came to you.
You came to me.
(23:02):
We got the purchase done right.
I got to feel like the man ofthe house because I've made the
purchase right, so I've picked.
I've essentially I picked tothe fridge, but you picked the
fridge.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
So to illustrate my what I'm trying to say, yeah
using this visual.
Yeah, the wife goes to thehusband, says we need a fridge,
we needed to have this, this andthis.
The husband's like don't worry,I'm on it right, don't worry,
I'm on it comes back a few dayslater.
Honey.
Look, I found this fridge.
It was off on the floordumpster.
It was on trash day.
(23:33):
I picked it up.
It looks like it's in greatcondition, has zero of of the
things that she said.
And then she's like this is not, this is not a good for what
are you talking about?
I got it at a deal.
I saved us money.
We did all the things.
I listened to.
You said do we need it?
A fridge?
Here's the fridge.
Is it going to?
But did you die?
Did it?
Did it?
Is it going to store the food?
Okay, what's the problem?
(23:53):
What's the problem?
I don't understand how comeyou're not trusting me in this.
Why aren't you?
You told me to do something andI did it.
What's the problem?
And if that happens time andtime and time again, she's just
going to be like you're cut offfrom making decisions.
I'm going to go ahead and leadthis train now.
Speaker 2 (24:08):
I agree.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
That's what I was trying to explain.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
You know why she's cut off, why he's cut off.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Because he wasn't listening and considering.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
Because he wasn't loving her enough to connect
with her about what she reallywanted and what she really meant
.
He was not loving her enough tounderstand her heart in the
matter.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
So then, eventually, if this continues to happen with
a fridge, and with paying acertain bill, and with showing
up to a certain event, and withdoing a certain thing and with,
you know, going in the bedroomand messing it up in there
heaven forbid, but it happensEventually the wife is going to
just continue to dismiss the manand eventually the wife is just
(24:47):
going to this guy.
He's just here.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
Husband, this fridge is not respectable.
You got this fridge from thegarbage.
I would rather have our oldfridge.
That will trigger him, Iguarantee.
If he loves her, if he has thelove for her in his heart, that
will trigger him.
You're not disrespecting him.
You're showing him that hischoice was not respectable.
(25:11):
That word, respect, is huge.
It's huge.
I'm not saying to weaponize it,but if it's used strategically
and from a loving place as awife, it can be a key word to
for him to understand.
Wait a second, she wants torespect this, but it's not a
(25:33):
respectable choice.
You know, you went out and youdrank so much saturday, right, I
just.
And you woke up sunday weweren't able to go to church,
and that's just.
I just can't respect that and Ineed more from you in that and
I don't want you to do that yeahthat's a hard, that's a hard
talk right there right,absolutely.
But using those words and Ican't respect that choice is
(25:55):
better than saying I don'trespect you or giving him the
cold shoulder or throwing waterin his face and being all those
kinds of rude and disrespectfulgonna make a huge difference in
how you respond because again inthis scenario, it's a wife who
wants to love this husband.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Who wants to be kind and respectful to him.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
So how can we tie our Christmas bow on this?
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Pretty bow on this.
Unconditional respect is hard.
Yes, if you're coming from aplace where you have
disrespected your husband foryears and now he's unloving you,
not loving you the way you wantto be loved.
Yes, it's going to take timeand it's going to take
intentionality and it's going totake telling him hey, I want to
(26:40):
respect you, and going from Iwant to love you to really
understanding, as a wife, whatit means to say I want to
respect you and showing himrespect regardless of how he is,
so that he sees wait a second,I'm off track here.
Let me get back to the, youknow, to the loving side, so
that she can get back to therespecting side.
It's going to make all thedifference.
(27:01):
It's not a magic pill.
It's a slow, incremental,step-by-step thing where you
guys connect.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
Yeah, and to for the wives who are, you know, just
beyond respecting him because ofall of his track record, what
he's done, you know, having theslow and steady pace of
acknowledging that you want torespect him and choosing those
words, I think is the bigtakeaway over here on the
(27:30):
women's side, is like how yousay your words and what you say,
which words you choose to say,changing one weapon to another.
You know, I think of using therespect.
I think of that as like a bowand arrow where it's very
precise, it's very swift, it'svery hitting the mark.
That's going to really affectwhat happens after that.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
Yep, absolutely, and so Life and death is in the
power of the tongue.
Yes for sure.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Absolutely Anything else that you would like to say
on love and respect.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
I think, guys, once you read the book, totally
recommend reading the Love andRespect book.
Once you get into understandinghow to love your wife the way
she desires to be loved, tospeak her not speak her love
language, but to show love inthe way that she receives it,
you're going to see the respectflow back to you in the way that
(28:22):
you receive it and you'll behappy with the outcome.
I promise you that.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
It's always reciprocal, right, and I think,
from taking away from these pasttwo episodes, it's always
reciprocal and it always has tokind of initiate from the man.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
Yeah, we're the leader.
No, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
As women and as wives , we always have to voice the
need and voice the lack the needand voice the lack.
If we don't share verbally whatwe're missing or what is needed
, then the guy can never reallytake the initiative to act first
, which would then reciprocateand start that cycle.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
If you've spent five, nine, 11 years of being
unloving as a husband, of beingthe lord of the house, it's
going to take 5, 9, 11 years toget back on the love cycle.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
Huge scenario and then we're going to wrap this up
.
If it took 5, 7, 9 years wherethe husband was not unloving and
then all of a sudden he decidesto become a loving husband and
she is meeting that with, I justdon't know, I just can't trust,
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
I just can't trust.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
I don't know.
I've changed my thoughts aboutyou.
I've changed my heart about you.
What can you say to thosecouples?
Speaker 2 (29:38):
That's where the couple needs professional help,
because that is not a place of.
It's not a place where as Isaid over and over in this
episode episode, it's not aplace where there is goodwill in
the marriage.
She does not have the bestinterest of the marriage at
heart, she is not sure, she'snot sure if she's willing to
(30:00):
love him completely and so,working on that as a unit, it's
going to take time and then takea professional help and a pro
is going to work through all thedecisions, all the little
things and going to give youweekly input and weekly advice
on what to do.
Speaker 1 (30:16):
Let's go ahead and pray.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
Lord, we're grateful for the opportunity to come
together that you've given usthe freedom to bring this out
there and to share about you andabout your love, lord, and I
just pray for the couples outthere who are really battling to
have goodwill for each otherand who are battling to really
want the best for theirrelationship, and I just lift
them up today.
I pray that they would findthis podcast, they would hear it
(30:40):
, that there would be greattakeaways today that they could
share and love and use together.
I pray for strength in the goodmarriages and love and use
together.
I pray for strength in the goodmarriages that they would see
little nuggets that they can usein everyday life to be a better
husband and be a better wife.
Lord, and I'm just grateful fortoday and I just give you glory
for all of it, in Jesus name,amen.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
Amen, this was a lot.
This was a huge series thatwe're covering.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
Your what ifs, your what ifs are fun.
I like it because it puts me inthe perspective of how I help
men and how I can help couples.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
Do you think that after doing a book like Love and
Respect, that we would go aheadand do more books?
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Yeah, if we could get all the great ones down there.
We get all the great ones downthere.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
If you guys have a book in mind that you would like
us to put our feedback on andbreak it down into ways that can
become practical applicationsfor you guys, let us know.
Throw us a little review orthrow us a comment in our social
media at Love by FaithMinistries.
That's it.
This was fun, but we do haveone more episode before we take
our big winter break.
Yeah, so we're going to tie onebig, pretty Christmas bow
(31:51):
around the whole first half ofthis season and we hope you guys
tune into that in the meantime.
In between time, make sure youlike, share, subscribe on
youtube.
Make sure you write thosereviews for us on spotify,
iheart or apple podcast.
Give us a five-star review ifyou don't have a whole lot of
time to do all that.
Either way, it's going tobenefit us to help us get this
(32:13):
podcast across the entire worldwe appreciate you.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
In this christmas season and between all the gifts
and all the parties and all thefamily time, love by faith yes,
and next week we're gonnawear-oh.
We'll see you next week,everyone.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
Bye.
Speaker 2 (32:36):
What Both of our phones dinging?
Speaker 1 (32:40):
My phone was very minimal.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
You had the Well, yeah, man.
Speaker 1 (32:45):
I got to keep myself on pace.
You're letting everybody knowthat you have an Apple phone
with that alarm.
Speaker 2 (32:56):
Your what-ifs.
Sometimes I'm like another whatI'm like another.
What is another?
What?
Dude, it's real talk.
It is no, it's good.
I know you that they're comingfrom scenarios that you've
experienced in helping women,and so I trust that it's
valuable stuff, and I knowyou've helped lots of women, so
why are you acting like youdon't want to wear christmas pjs
?
It's for the stick, I don'tknow tough guy yeah, why not?
Oi why you gotta act like thatboy, my wife's making me wear
(33:19):
these ugly pajamas.
Speaker 1 (33:21):
I like ted lasso that's been a great show.
how wives can respect their husbands even when they
don't want to.
Why is it so hard for wives torespect their husbands?
The ultimate rejection Forgetyou.
I don't care what you have tosay, you don't matter.
Your words don't matter.
Your thoughts don't matter.
Your opinion doesn't matter.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
You're destroying the connection.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
We're not perfect people by any means, but by
trusting in God, we learned whatit takes to build a friendship,
a relationship and marriagethat has.
But by trusting in God, welearned what it takes to build a
friendship, a relationship andmarriage that has stood the test
of time.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
With a Keeping it Real style.
We're going to talk to youabout everything, everything
that we've been through aregoing through and have overcome
all by learning how to lean onGod and each other in order to
help you learn how to Love byFaith and each other in order to
help you learn how to love byfaith I find myself feeling like
(00:59):
more excited to record thepodcast.
When we first started I was likeoh, it's podcast day I don't
know what to say and now thatI've been doing it a while, I'm
just comfortable, I'm gettinginto it.
Yep, I'm feeling like this is aspace where I can be and just
be myself and not have to holdback and not have to like I'm
(01:20):
able to drop my guard a bit.
That's good, I think, alsobeing more prepared I've learned
from last season how to beprepared for this season, for
each show.
Yeah, and I love it.
And it's not a show, but youknow what I mean.
It's for each episode I can bemore prepared.
Amen, what do you do?
Speaker 1 (01:35):
What do I do?
Speaker 2 (01:37):
You rely on all your experience being in front of the
camera.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
I wake up up, I rush to get ready because I know
you're going to be down here ata certain time, and then I sit
in this chair and I drink onecup of coffee and allow the rest
of the coffee to cool downbecause I don't drink it anymore
one sip of coffee in that, yeahone sip of coffee per episode,
and then, when it's done, Ireward myself with an iced
(02:00):
coffee an iced cold coffee.
So last week was a pretty hardweek.
We talked about love andrespect.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
We talked about the book based on that.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
By Dr Emerson Egrich's.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
That's right, and I have it all linked in the
description for you guys to goand get it.
It's a perfect opportunity todo it Holiday season.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
It's a great gift.
There's a devotional to it too.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Oh, if you want to really enrich your love life,
should we do that as a smallgroup?
I feel like they've done itbefore.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
It would be a great one.
So what Can never do this?
So what?
I think you can never do thisbook too much.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
We ain't never done it.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
I love this book.
I love this book.
I love this message.
No, no, I.
That's nice For you.
Thank you For us, for ourfamily, for our future.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
I say it was a hard topic last week because we were
talking about how husbands canlove their wives better.
Right, you know, yes, you guyslove us on an everyday basis,
but what happens when it getshard?
What happens when the wifeloses the will to love back?
How does the husband you knowhusband push through and fight
(03:07):
for that kingdom and thatmarriage?
And so I thought that was apretty hard topic to cover, but
I feel like this topic today isgoing to be even harder.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
That's what makes it such a great book is that both
sides are super challenged to gobeyond what's natural to them
and get into their partner'sshoes and to be empathetic, and
that is such a place wheregrowth can happen in their
marriage.
Amen, yeah.
And so this week we're gettinginto the respect side of love
(03:40):
and respect Respecting yourhusband, how to respect him the
way he wants to be respected no,you had a really good title
last week.
You said how wives can respecttheir husbands even when they
don't want to yes, yes, yes, andthat's the one of the huge
points in the book is thatrespect can be unconditional as
(04:03):
well and should be unconditional.
You shouldn't wives shouldn'tjust respect their husband when
he deserves it.
Right, right, right.
And again, the big presumptionis that each partner has
goodwill towards the otherperson yes, which means that he
is in the right place to dowhat's best for the relationship
(04:24):
.
He has what's best for thecouple in mind in his daily life
, and so that goodwill is.
The result of that isunconditional love from him to
her and then unconditionalrespect from her to him.
I've said a lot in laying outthat the respect side of love
and respect is today.
(04:45):
So, selena, talk to me aboutunconditional respect from your
eyes.
Okay, oh, you did the scrunchieface again.
That's when I know I got it.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
We should have a coffee mug with my scrunchie
face on it, I'm just like thisis hard yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
It's hard being married.
This is real, real life, reallife husband and wife stuff here
.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Here's what I thought about when you were talking and
as we were leading up to thistopic is why is it so hard for
wives to respect their husbands?
Why is it so hard?
Why is it so hard?
I can't answer that for everyperson out there.
But I can start to digest andprocess.
Why it's difficult and achallenge for me.
(05:27):
Not to say that I disrespect.
Kyle, I think I've come a verylong way from showing respect
and honor to you in public, infront of kids, in private, in
our own room, in our heavyconversations.
I feel like I've been growingin this area and I've been doing
a great job.
But why is it so easy todisrespect?
(05:49):
Why is it always one of thosethings that you pull out of
weapon that we can easilysharpen, that we can easily get,
that we're easily good at usingand that we can easily know, uh
(06:09):
, we can attack with and it willleave a sting?
Speaker 2 (06:12):
this is so good, it will leave a sting, because
respect matters so much to menyeah that when you go there, you
know you're pushing a buttonthat's going to get a reaction.
Going to get a response.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
It's like if there's a medieval table and there's
like the jousting javelin andthe sword and you got the little
ball with the chain and thenunchucks and the ninja stars,
what weapon are you going tochoose as a wife?
If I'm trying to get a quickshot, if I'm trying to get a
deep shot, if I'm going to get ashot where I know I'm trying to
get a deep shot, if I'm goingto get a shot where I know I'm
(06:47):
confident that I'm not going tomiss, I'm going for the
disrespect.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Right, right.
And in those moments you'rechoosing disrespect, because
it's so valuable to your husbandand because that's going to get
the response that you think.
Wives think that that's goingto get the response that they
want, and it doesn't.
It does the exact opposite itcrumbles, it destroys that love
(07:12):
that's coming from him.
I'm making a chopping motionbecause the wall between us is
getting built.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
If it's crumbling, wouldn't it be like sprinkly
fingers that crumble?
Speaker 2 (07:22):
No, it's more violent when you go to disrespect.
It's like me, like me sayingsorry I don't love you right now
and when you're trying to sitdown and have a talk and talk
through everything.
No, I'm cool, I'm not talkingabout that, it's the.
It's the ultimate rejection we.
So let me talk about guysperspective so good okay guys,
we live in such a hierarchyworld, right, we're all about
(07:46):
who's the top dog, who's theleader, who's the alpha, and
respecting that Right and in thehome, in our mind when we walk
in this place of our home, we'rethe top dog.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
We're the alpha.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
We're the one who, no matter what anyone thinks
outside of these walls, insideof this place, I'm the king.
Right, it's good, I'm the king.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Right, it's good to be the king.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
And you don't disrespect the king, right?
You know, for recreation I reada lot of medieval books.
And you don't disrespect theking, you don't get to Off with
his head, it's that easy, right.
And so we're conditioned tounderstand respect as men.
Yeah, for our whole life, fromour fathers all the way,
grandfathers, all of it.
We are conditioned tounderstand respect, and when you
(08:29):
bring that weapon, you'redestroying what we have to give
back to you and love.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Right, so I'm going to.
That is your side, right?
That's, that's the side that'sthe side of how guys are
interpreting when, what happenswhen they get disrespected by
their person, their teammate,their helper, their home, their
partner, their, their other half.
Right, right their rib, if youwill.
Right, and sometimes we are notdoing it for you, sometimes
(08:59):
we're doing it for us, yep,sometimes that is not the reason
why we choose that weapon.
We're not choosing a weapon toknock you off your alpha stool.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Right.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Okay, we're not there to shoot you off your high
horse, we're there to.
We're disrespecting sometimesbecause we're trying to regain
our own power.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
Disrespect comes from a place of weakness.
If you're trying to regainpower, power Disrespect comes
from a place of weakness.
If you're trying to regainpower, then you're weak, right.
So you're coming from a placeof.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
We're trying to.
Here's what I would say is, ifthere is a wife who is
frustrated, who is at her end,who is depleted, who is feeling
defeated, and now she has tocome and serve this dude and
treat him respectfully, she justdoesn't have it in her because
she feels like it's not beingreciprocated.
(09:49):
He's not loving her the waythat she needs to be loved.
He's not hearing her, he's notconsidering her, he is totally
dismissing her.
So she's like F that I'm goingto dismiss too, because I'm
going to take a stand for myself.
I'm going to stand up formyself.
I'm going to dismiss too,because I'm going to take a
stand for myself.
I'm going to stand up formyself, I'm going to hold my
ground and I don't care what hehas to say at the moment,
because he doesn't care about me.
(10:11):
Therefore, f, that dude, I'mgoing to dismiss him, I'm going
to disrespect him.
And so she's using it as a wayto, yes, to jab at him, but also
to reclaim some of herself,because she realizes like, who's
fighting for me?
At the end of the day, who'sfighting for me?
I have to fight for me, becausethere's no one in my corner
(10:33):
holding me down.
So forget you.
I don't care what you have tosay.
You don't matter.
Your words don't matter, yourthoughts don't matter.
Your opinion doesn't matter.
Your words don't matter, yourthoughts don't matter, your
opinion doesn't matter.
I'm going to take the reins ofthis horse now and I'm going to
guide myself, because the onlyone I could trust in this
situation right now is me.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
So this is a perfect example of the crazy cycle,
because obviously she is no,it's what he describes perfectly
.
She is obviously not been lovedthe right way.
If she's responding that way,you're missing on your love part
.
You're missing in yourconnection part.
You're missing in yourunderstanding part.
You're missing in you'reenergizing each other part as a
(11:13):
husband.
So if this is the responseyou're getting, it comes back to
you to look inside and say hey,wait a second.
She's showing disrespect.
How am I not loving her right?
And that's hard In the moment,when you're getting challenged
and disrespected, it's hard tosay wait a second, this is my
fault because I didn't love herright.
And in the same breath, this isthe challenge to the wife in
(11:35):
that.
wait a second.
This is happening because he'snot loving me good enough.
I want to respond like thisbecause I feel unloved.
And wives stop and say hey, Ifeel really unloved right now
because of this, this and this,and I want to disrespect you,
but you deserve so much respect,but I'm having a hard time
respecting you right now.
And say it just like that tohim.
(11:56):
And it'll get such a responsebecause men have a need for
conquest so we have the one sideof you.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Good, no, I'm not, you're worked up.
Yes, do you have more to say?
Speaker 2 (12:09):
yes, okay men have a need for conquest.
Yes, right, we have a need togo and be victorious.
Yes, and when you, our wife,our maiden, our princess that we
rescued from the queen, fromthe, from the dragon, is telling
us that you're having a hardtime respecting us right now, we
(12:30):
want to be victorious in that.
We want to gain that back.
Sometimes, the healthyrelationship that has goodwill.
The man will want to earn thatback that's good and will want
to complete that conquest.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
So in this part of the podcast we talked about the
healthy conquest.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
But there is also an unhealthy conquest that I think
we need to talk about as well.
So, we talked about the healthypart of a man who wills to have
a loving marriage and is takingthe leadership role to do what
it takes to express love and tobe the man that his wife needs
(13:09):
to be so that as a return, as areciprocated result, she
respects.
But what about when you havesomething in the mix like pride
and ego, because not everyhusband is a willing husband.
Sometimes guys will go into therole of husband and just assume
that, oh, I'm the man of thehouse, I'm the Lord of this land
(13:33):
, you're going to do whatever Isay.
It doesn't matter what I do, itdoesn't matter what I feel, it
doesn't matter what I say.
You're still going to respectme because you're the wife you
submit.
That's how it's supposed to bein the body.
You know they'll start to twistwhat the word is saying to meet
their own selfish needs and toprovide their prideful gain.
(13:55):
And how do we go about thatwhen a wife is underneath this
leadership of a man who seesbeing a husband as being a lord
and not really taking intoaccount?
I have something that I need tocontribute.
I need to express love.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Does that sound loving?
Does that sound like?
Speaker 1 (14:15):
from a guy.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Does that sound loving?
Like you need to just do this,because I said so and this is
your spot to do this, the end.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
But at the same time there are people out there who
do that, and then they how doyou unconditionally respect in
that situation?
Speaker 2 (14:32):
Maybe for some women y'all can but for me this goes
back to the sentence I just saidsaid I want to respect you
unconditionally through this.
I want to respect you as thehead of this house, but when you
force it on me like this, Ifind it very difficult to
respect you.
I find it very difficult torespond respectfully, and you
(14:55):
might need to gather, becauseyou sound pretty fired up.
So, as a wife, if that's howyou're feeling, you might need
to step back and take a breatherand tell him hey, give me a
minute to gather my thoughts andwhen you come back to him, say,
hey, I want to respect you, Iwant to respect your authority
in this house, but when youdemand it of me, that is the
last thing I want and that isthe last thing I'm capable of
doing.
(15:16):
I don't know what you want tocall it.
I want to call it love.
If his way of being around thehouse is to just lord over his
wife, that's not a way of love.
No, love does not seek its own.
That's right in the scripture,right.
That's not it.
That is selfish, that isself-centered, and that is not
(15:39):
the way to have a relationshipthat is going to work.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
It's not.
It's not because you'redestroying the connection,
you're destroying the desperatefor help, desperate for a way to
turn this tide.
And there is a man who is veryhard in heart, stubborn in his
ways, and is using that title ofhusband as a way to force
respect.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Then he's being unloving Period.
If that's where it is.
He's being unloving and herbest weapon is to say I'm trying
my best to respect you rightnow, but you're making it very
challenging for me.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
I feel unloved when you treat me like this.
The hardest part of all that issaying it in a controlled
manner, like I just did, becausethe emotions are running high
when you get to this place.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Right.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Because you've been triggered so much by being
oppressed, right, and so sayingthat to him in that controlled
way is how to do it.
And another step men love words, right?
Okay, most men fall betweenwords of affirmation and
physical touch in the lovelanguage spectrum.
Yeah, right, right, write itdown.
(17:00):
Write him that note.
Keep it short Three sentencesbro, I want to love you.
I want to respect youunconditionally.
I'm finding it hard to respectyou when you treat me like this.
How can we make this better?
You treat me like this.
How can we make this better?
(17:20):
And if he has goodwill for themarriage, he will respond in a
way to complete that, to to fixthat.
And if he has no interest infixing that, it's time to go
deeper and get get realprofessional help where you two
can sit down with a couple orwith a counselor and they can
really pour into the marriage.
Because something is, somethingis really off.
(17:43):
Yeah.
When you get to that point, ifhe is not willing to do what
she's asking for love, yeah.
Or if she is not willing to dowhat it takes to show him
respect, even though he's backback to loving and back to
really fulfilling his role as ahusband, that's when you got to
bring in the professionals,because there is something super
(18:04):
deep there that you need towork through and there's hurt
there that you need to get overand there's pain in there that
needs to be chiseled away andreplaced with love.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Yeah, amen.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
Like Japanese kintsugiugi, where the pots are
broken and you put a little bitof gold in between yes to heal
those cracks with some gold oflove got it amen and it's hard
yes there's no, there's no easymagic pill.
Right when it gets to thatpoint, it's off the rails yeah
and it needs.
It's going to take time and timeand time of earning back that
(18:40):
trust and that connection andthat respect, because respect
can be lost, love can be lost,yes, but working back together
as a couple to get there is whatit takes.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
So much for love and respect, man, you went so deep
on that.
I appreciate it.
I'm not done what?
Speaker 1 (18:55):
it.
I'm not done.
What else?
I'm not done what else?
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Here we go.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
Yes, okay.
So let's kind of recap, becausea lot has been said.
So we talked about what doesunconditional respect look like
on the spectrum, when there isgoodwill in making the marriage
work and last and thrive?
Speaker 2 (19:12):
Right.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
Then we talked about, okay, the other side of the
spectrum.
What happens if there is a lackof respect on the man and
there's a hard heart there?
How do you go about trying tostill unconditionally respect
that situation?
What about the other side,where a woman doesn't respect?
She just has pride in her heart, she has an ego, she treats her
(19:33):
husband like a child.
She just feels like he is justan accessory to the marriage.
She's the one calling all theshots, she's the one running
everything, she's the one who'sreally the leader.
It's like that movie, my BigFat Greek Wedding, where the man
is the head but she's the neckand she turns the head and
(19:55):
everybody knows it and everybodyfeels that way.
But at the end of the day, yourhusband is lacking respect
because now everybody is lookingat him like a chump and she is
the one who is creating thisenvironment.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
She is the one who's creating that environment.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
You know what I mean.
And so how can somebody who hasa proud and haughty heart in
that way, how can we speak tothat wife to unconditionally
respect her husband and try tochange things and turn things
around?
Okay so a lot to unpack there.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
Wives want things to be I don't know what the right
word is here In order.
Hold on.
Let me say this again PreciseWives like to have order on
things.
A lot of wives are very type Awant this done, want this done.
When they say Men have a needfor insight, right, we have a
need to make decisions.
Think about our roles, thinkabout our leaderships.
(20:52):
We have a need to delegate.
We have a need to give input,yeah, and if that input is not
received over the years, if thatinput is taken and then done,
you ask me for my opinion andthen you go and do the opposite.
So many times I'm going to stopgiving that input.
Right, and a wife who's foundherself in that situation has
(21:13):
probably trampled over hisinsight for years, has not given
him the chance to make adecision and respected his
decision once he's made it yeahdo you find yourself where this
guy will never make a choice?
well, it's probably because youhaven't respected the choices
he's made or maybe he doesn'tmake the right choice.
(21:34):
Again, you haven't respectedthe choice he's made or maybe he
didn't make the right choice.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Time and time and time again.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
See, this is where you're beating your head against
the wall.
You're not giving him thechance to make the choice.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
What if she did?
And then he continues to makethe wrong choice.
He's not considering all thethings, he's not listening to
her needs, he is doing his ownthing and it becomes a terrible
choice this is where thehusbands are gonna walking into
terrible choices
Speaker 2 (22:01):
this is where the husbands are gonna have.
A takeaway is that it's this isgoes back to the woman's need
for connection, and that youneed to get together on these
choices and talk through it.
Now she's got to give a littlebit and he's got to give a
little bit.
Yeah, right, I think about.
I think about how, like, we buythings.
Okay, this is a good one.
(22:22):
Okay, because a lot of timesyou come to me and you're like
we need a fridge, we just boughta fridge.
Okay, you're like we need afridge.
And I'm like, okay, and I gothe whole list Do you want a
water spout on it?
Do you want the fridge on topor the freezer on top?
Do you want what color?
Do you want?
Right.
(22:42):
And then I come to and I'm likehere's the three options that
are going to be finalists forthis.
And you say, all right, I wantthat one.
Yes, and any one of thosechoices is fine with me, right,
right is fine with me, right,right, you can have any of the
three fridges.
That right, meet all yourcriteria and we buy the fridge.
Healthy decision making skillthere, correct, right, you came
to me, I came to you.
You came to me.
(23:02):
We got the purchase done right.
I got to feel like the man ofthe house because I've made the
purchase right, so I've picked.
I've essentially I picked tothe fridge, but you picked the
fridge.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
So to illustrate my what I'm trying to say, yeah
using this visual.
Yeah, the wife goes to thehusband, says we need a fridge,
we needed to have this, this andthis.
The husband's like don't worry,I'm on it right, don't worry,
I'm on it comes back a few dayslater.
Honey.
Look, I found this fridge.
It was off on the floordumpster.
It was on trash day.
(23:33):
I picked it up.
It looks like it's in greatcondition, has zero of of the
things that she said.
And then she's like this is not, this is not a good for what
are you talking about?
I got it at a deal.
I saved us money.
We did all the things.
I listened to.
You said do we need it?
A fridge?
Here's the fridge.
Is it going to?
But did you die?
Did it?
Did it?
Is it going to store the food?
Okay, what's the problem?
(23:53):
What's the problem?
I don't understand how comeyou're not trusting me in this.
Why aren't you?
You told me to do something andI did it.
What's the problem?
And if that happens time andtime and time again, she's just
going to be like you're cut offfrom making decisions.
I'm going to go ahead and leadthis train now.
Speaker 2 (24:08):
I agree.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
That's what I was trying to explain.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
You know why she's cut off, why he's cut off.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Because he wasn't listening and considering.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
Because he wasn't loving her enough to connect
with her about what she reallywanted and what she really meant
.
He was not loving her enough tounderstand her heart in the
matter.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
So then, eventually, if this continues to happen with
a fridge, and with paying acertain bill, and with showing
up to a certain event, and withdoing a certain thing and with,
you know, going in the bedroomand messing it up in there
heaven forbid, but it happensEventually the wife is going to
just continue to dismiss the manand eventually the wife is just
(24:47):
going to this guy.
He's just here.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
Husband, this fridge is not respectable.
You got this fridge from thegarbage.
I would rather have our oldfridge.
That will trigger him, Iguarantee.
If he loves her, if he has thelove for her in his heart, that
will trigger him.
You're not disrespecting him.
You're showing him that hischoice was not respectable.
(25:11):
That word, respect, is huge.
It's huge.
I'm not saying to weaponize it,but if it's used strategically
and from a loving place as awife, it can be a key word to
for him to understand.
Wait a second, she wants torespect this, but it's not a
(25:33):
respectable choice.
You know, you went out and youdrank so much saturday, right, I
just.
And you woke up sunday weweren't able to go to church,
and that's just.
I just can't respect that and Ineed more from you in that and
I don't want you to do that yeahthat's a hard, that's a hard
talk right there right,absolutely.
But using those words and Ican't respect that choice is
(25:55):
better than saying I don'trespect you or giving him the
cold shoulder or throwing waterin his face and being all those
kinds of rude and disrespectfulgonna make a huge difference in
how you respond because again inthis scenario, it's a wife who
wants to love this husband.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Who wants to be kind and respectful to him.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
So how can we tie our Christmas bow on this?
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Pretty bow on this.
Unconditional respect is hard.
Yes, if you're coming from aplace where you have
disrespected your husband foryears and now he's unloving you,
not loving you the way you wantto be loved.
Yes, it's going to take timeand it's going to take
intentionality and it's going totake telling him hey, I want to
(26:40):
respect you, and going from Iwant to love you to really
understanding, as a wife, whatit means to say I want to
respect you and showing himrespect regardless of how he is,
so that he sees wait a second,I'm off track here.
Let me get back to the, youknow, to the loving side, so
that she can get back to therespecting side.
It's going to make all thedifference.
(27:01):
It's not a magic pill.
It's a slow, incremental,step-by-step thing where you
guys connect.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
Yeah, and to for the wives who are, you know, just
beyond respecting him because ofall of his track record, what
he's done, you know, having theslow and steady pace of
acknowledging that you want torespect him and choosing those
words, I think is the bigtakeaway over here on the
(27:30):
women's side, is like how yousay your words and what you say,
which words you choose to say,changing one weapon to another.
You know, I think of using therespect.
I think of that as like a bowand arrow where it's very
precise, it's very swift, it'svery hitting the mark.
That's going to really affectwhat happens after that.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
Yep, absolutely, and so Life and death is in the
power of the tongue.
Yes for sure.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Absolutely Anything else that you would like to say
on love and respect.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
I think, guys, once you read the book, totally
recommend reading the Love andRespect book.
Once you get into understandinghow to love your wife the way
she desires to be loved, tospeak her not speak her love
language, but to show love inthe way that she receives it,
you're going to see the respectflow back to you in the way that
(28:22):
you receive it and you'll behappy with the outcome.
I promise you that.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
It's always reciprocal, right, and I think,
from taking away from these pasttwo episodes, it's always
reciprocal and it always has tokind of initiate from the man.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
Yeah, we're the leader.
No, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
As women and as wives , we always have to voice the
need and voice the lack the needand voice the lack.
If we don't share verbally whatwe're missing or what is needed
, then the guy can never reallytake the initiative to act first
, which would then reciprocateand start that cycle.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
If you've spent five, nine, 11 years of being
unloving as a husband, of beingthe lord of the house, it's
going to take 5, 9, 11 years toget back on the love cycle.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
Huge scenario and then we're going to wrap this up
.
If it took 5, 7, 9 years wherethe husband was not unloving and
then all of a sudden he decidesto become a loving husband and
she is meeting that with, I justdon't know, I just can't trust,
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
I just can't trust.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
I don't know.
I've changed my thoughts aboutyou.
I've changed my heart about you.
What can you say to thosecouples?
Speaker 2 (29:38):
That's where the couple needs professional help,
because that is not a place of.
It's not a place where as Isaid over and over in this
episode episode, it's not aplace where there is goodwill in
the marriage.
She does not have the bestinterest of the marriage at
heart, she is not sure, she'snot sure if she's willing to
(30:00):
love him completely and so,working on that as a unit, it's
going to take time and then takea professional help and a pro
is going to work through all thedecisions, all the little
things and going to give youweekly input and weekly advice
on what to do.
Speaker 1 (30:16):
Let's go ahead and pray.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
Lord, we're grateful for the opportunity to come
together that you've given usthe freedom to bring this out
there and to share about you andabout your love, lord, and I
just pray for the couples outthere who are really battling to
have goodwill for each otherand who are battling to really
want the best for theirrelationship, and I just lift
them up today.
I pray that they would findthis podcast, they would hear it
(30:40):
, that there would be greattakeaways today that they could
share and love and use together.
I pray for strength in the goodmarriages and love and use
together.
I pray for strength in the goodmarriages that they would see
little nuggets that they can usein everyday life to be a better
husband and be a better wife.
Lord, and I'm just grateful fortoday and I just give you glory
for all of it, in Jesus name,amen.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
Amen, this was a lot.
This was a huge series thatwe're covering.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
Your what ifs, your what ifs are fun.
I like it because it puts me inthe perspective of how I help
men and how I can help couples.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
Do you think that after doing a book like Love and
Respect, that we would go aheadand do more books?
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Yeah, if we could get all the great ones down there.
We get all the great ones downthere.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
If you guys have a book in mind that you would like
us to put our feedback on andbreak it down into ways that can
become practical applicationsfor you guys, let us know.
Throw us a little review orthrow us a comment in our social
media at Love by FaithMinistries.
That's it.
This was fun, but we do haveone more episode before we take
our big winter break.
Yeah, so we're going to tie onebig, pretty Christmas bow
(31:51):
around the whole first half ofthis season and we hope you guys
tune into that in the meantime.
In between time, make sure youlike, share, subscribe on
youtube.
Make sure you write thosereviews for us on spotify,
iheart or apple podcast.
Give us a five-star review ifyou don't have a whole lot of
time to do all that.
Either way, it's going tobenefit us to help us get this
(32:13):
podcast across the entire worldwe appreciate you.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
In this christmas season and between all the gifts
and all the parties and all thefamily time, love by faith yes,
and next week we're gonnawear-oh.
We'll see you next week,everyone.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
Bye.
Speaker 2 (32:36):
What Both of our phones dinging?
Speaker 1 (32:40):
My phone was very minimal.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
You had the Well, yeah, man.
Speaker 1 (32:45):
I got to keep myself on pace.
You're letting everybody knowthat you have an Apple phone
with that alarm.
Speaker 2 (32:56):
Your what-ifs.
Sometimes I'm like another whatI'm like another.
What is another?
What?
Dude, it's real talk.
It is no, it's good.
I know you that they're comingfrom scenarios that you've
experienced in helping women,and so I trust that it's
valuable stuff, and I knowyou've helped lots of women, so
why are you acting like youdon't want to wear christmas pjs
?
It's for the stick, I don'tknow tough guy yeah, why not?
Oi why you gotta act like thatboy, my wife's making me wear
(33:19):
these ugly pajamas.
Speaker 1 (33:21):
I like ted lasso that's been a great show.
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