February 11, 2025 • 37 mins
This is the episode that was the most challenging to produce... welcome to the s*x episode!
This episode focuses on the challenges couples face in maintaining intimacy amid life's distractions. We discuss practical strategies to foster deeper connections in relationships, the dynamics of communication, and the importance of understanding each other's needs.
• Exploring the frustrations of married life and parenting
• Understanding the connection between daily interactions and intimacy
• Rethinking societal expectations around romance and physical affection
• Managing hormonal changes and their impact on desire
• The importance of scheduling time for intimacy
• Overcoming shame and fear in the marriage bed
• Introducing the concept of a '30-day intimacy challenge'
• Emphasizing communication as the key to connection
• Practical tips for nurturing love despite busy lives
Reach out to us and let us know if this episode helped you improve your relationship!
🔗 Links & Apps to Help Christian Couples Get Physically Intimate! 🔗
Article: Best Marriage Apps for Christian Couples
THANK YOU for following, sharing, and leaving us a great review!
Our Website: https://lovebyfaithministries.com
Instagram: @lovebyfaithministries | @selinaalmodovar | @solutionary_k
YouTube: https://youtube.com/@lovebyfaithministries
🌿 FREE DOWNLOAD: The Love By Faith Playbook! 🏈
Get all the plays you need to have a winning season in your relationship with the Love By Faith Playbook. This is a FREE one-stop shop of evergreen resources (with new plays loaded each month!) to help you and your partner tackle common relationship struggles and set a strong foundation built to last.
Free Download HERE: https://lovebyfaithministries.com/couples-playbook
BECOME A GENEROUS SUPPORTER OF THIS PODCAST!
CashApp: $LoveByFaithPodcast
FOR PARTNERSHIPS, SPONSORSHIPS & COLLABS...
info@LoveByFaithMinistries.com
*Some of the links listed in this description are affiliate links.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is the podcast that the enemy did not want you
to have.
It's been crazy.
We're not going to let it end.
Today, this message is gettingout, and I hear a kid coming
already.
This is Love, Sex, Flowers andChocolate.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Is it?
Speaker 1 (00:11):
done.
Episode 2.
Yes, the sex episode.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
We're not perfect people.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
By any means.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
But by trusting in God we learn what it takes to
build a friendship.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
A relationship.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
And marriage that has stood the test of time.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
With a Keeping it Real style.
We're going to talk to youabout everything everything that
we've been through are goingthrough and have overcome All by
learning how to lean on God andeach other.
In order to help you learn howto love by faith, love sex,
(00:59):
flowers and chocolate.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
I feel like this week is a reflection of all of the
frustrations that couplesactually go through.
Oh yeah, when experiencing thistopic.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Dude.
Yes, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Yeah, Because I'm preoccupied, trying to get ready
for the upcoming weekend.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Chasing everybody around trying to get work done
right, trying to get the housein shape, trying to relieve my
wife from having to do too much.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
And then there are so many children, interruptions in
so many forms and the week wentcompletely not how it was
supposed to go.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Who hasn't been there right?
Speaker 2 (01:40):
You know, and everything has just been, I've
been tired and stressed andoverworked and just going with
the flow and trying to keep myhead above water, and then you
have this topic.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
And we're on like nine days straight of kids
waking up in the middle of thenight.
Different kids, different night, different reasons.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Yes, and so there's so many interruptions and
disruptions and I would like tothink that when you know, as a
married couple, when you guyshave good intentions on focusing
on being physically intimateand engaging in sexual acts, you
know for your marriage bed,things like this come up.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
You know, you have the interruptions, you have the
spontaneous plan changes, youhave the change in energy.
You're too tired, you'refrustrated, you're trying to
keep your head above water andthen bam oh, now we have to do
this.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
That lady at 10 am that's sending you the text
messages like hey, today's goingto be a great day, wink, wink.
Right, it's not the same ladywho you walk in the house to at
five o'clock.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Yeah, no, absolutely not, absolutely not.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
And that's how the week was, man.
It was just like today's theday.
We're going to get this podcastdone, we're going to do this,
we're all set.
Nope, nope, sick kid Nothappening, interrupted.
Yeah, wait, you got to go pickup this kid from school.
Oh my gosh, not happening.
Wait, your work's got.
You got this thing.
You got to go to.
Yeah, early for everybody getsup.
(03:07):
Nope, nope, kid was up for anhour Interruptions.
So let's bring this back to theromantic side to get in there.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Let's go back to the series we're in this month long
series of love, sex, flowers andchocolate.
And if you guys caught on thelast episode, we talked about
love and how to make Valentine'sday more intentional and how to
really make it and own it andcreate traditions to have you
longstanding.
But then the other part of love, especially in a Valentine's
(03:30):
Day season leading intoValentine's Day itself, a lot of
times sex is either anexpectation or it's an intention
, or it's a desire, or sometimesit's just a straight out gift
like I don't want your chocolate, I don't want your flowers.
Just give me the love makingand we can call it a day like
(03:51):
I'd rather buy you something forthat moment okay then to buy
flowers and bouquet you knowlike.
So this is a very importanttopic, especially in this season
, and I would like to think thatnot every couple can go into
this topic with ease.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Right, that's for sure.
I hear it from guys.
You hear it from ladies.
We want to.
I think I'm going to just breakit down.
You always tell me this.
I love this.
When I first heard this sayingabout women, it really helped me
understand things and how to bebetter romantically and how to
be better to initiate thebedroom time, and that women are
(04:32):
like spaghetti.
It's all connected.
What happens at 7 am absolutelyinfluences what happens at 9 pm
.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Yes, or what happens on Monday and Tuesday, anduesday
and wednesday, right?
Speaker 1 (04:44):
it's gonna roll into your friday and so it starts
with connecting so much moredeeper than physical.
Right, absolutely beingromantic starts days ahead of
the actual romantic event beingphysically intimate starts days
right I'm gonna say romanticinstead of physically intimate,
because it feels better okay, isthat okay?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
it could be two different things, though I know
A romantic dinner should notequal sex in bed.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Okay, you know what I mean, yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Rubbing somebody's feet after a long day or drawing
them a nice bubble bath whichis romantic, should not always
equate.
I'm doing this to get some, soI think we should separate it.
I think we should separate it,because there are a lot of times
when there's a husband orthere's a wife who is going out
of their way to be romantic, butthen the other person is very
(05:31):
apprehensive to receive it,because they think well, what's
at the end of this?
Speaker 1 (05:36):
What's the catch?
Speaker 2 (05:37):
What are you trying to get, and so they're not
really receiving itwholeheartedly as just a
romantic gesture, becausethey're always feeling like it's
a give and take, and so we needto.
Honestly, I think we need toseparate it okay we need to do
more romantic acts without atakeaway from that without the
physical expectation and that'snot to say that somebody would
(05:58):
feel so in loved by that actthat it would lead into that,
but to make it a tit for tat,like I'm doing this so that you
can get this or that's what theexpectation is.
That's how we've conditionedour marriage to be.
I think we need to break freeof that.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Let me ask you a loaded question, oh dear.
How many times a week is theright number of times?
Speaker 2 (06:20):
To do it yeah.
Oh man, oh, this is a goodquestion.
Yeah, that's why it's a loadedquestion.
When we were first married,when we were young, in our
marriage we were always told agood average is like two and a
half okay okay, two and a halftwo and a half
okay because the half could belike, not all the way but,
something in the field withsomething physical okay and so
(06:44):
when we were young and this waslike right at the beginning of
us having children, we, I'm sonervous about what you're gonna
say we felt a lot of pressurebecause we weren't meeting that
average expectation, and so thenwe were like, oh no, our, our
marriage bed isn't what itshould be.
We need to work on this.
We're not good at being physicalwe put a lot of pressure in
(07:06):
that two and a half number.
So, then we started saying like, well, we don't have time and
we have a new baby and we'retrying, you know, or I'm
pregnant, you know all thesethings.
And so we were like, okay,we're going to schedule it,
we're going to schedule it, andthat worked for a time.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
Scheduling was great in that season.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
It worked for a great time, you know because we then
mentally I can prepare for that,so that if something were to
happen in the spaghetti mess,you know early on, I knew later
in that spaghetti.
There's going to be this timetogether and so I have to
mentally prepare myself.
Kyle was excited because heknew like finally, like I'm
going to get there, like there'sno like backing out and you
(07:50):
know all these things.
But of course, our focus to mepersonally, I think our focus
was too much on meeting thataverage measure, okay, and so
eventually you know hormones andkids and time and work and all
of the things got in the way andwe weren't able to meet the two
and a half.
We've talked about this before,guys.
We've talked about the 30 daychallenge.
We talked about how the 30 daychallenge really helped us
(08:10):
understand ourselves to thepoint where we don't.
We no longer need to scheduleit, we no longer need to focus
on a two and a half number, somedays or some weeks, it's more
some weeks, it's's less, butthat doesn't stop how we
physically connect and itdoesn't make us feel like we are
(08:31):
not or like we're slacking.
In that connection, I believebecause of what happened in the
30-day challenge yeah, I thinkmost guys would.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
If you ask me the same question how many times is
the right time?
I think a lot of guys wouldfeel good knowing that, hey, the
schedule is the schedule andthis is happening.
You get the security there, youget the consistency, you get
the dependability right.
And the guys can build it intotheir routine.
They can know hey, today's thespecial day.
I could do something extra forher to just remind her, like,
(09:01):
hey, this is important to me,you're important to me.
And as that becomes more of theroutine and more of the habit,
it won't just only happen on thespecial day, right?
So you won't just be like, oh,I'm excited for this day, here's
some extra flowers, here's someextra gifts, here's a new
whatever, here's a gift card toSephora or whatever you do Wow
Fancy.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
But it'll be more routine, like hey, I like you,
you like me, let's just makethis not so transactional, but
here's the key word that youkept using in that entire
statement guys.
Yeah, I was talking to guys,yes, but here hear me, guys,
please, please, hear me.
Okay, guys, don't changeinteresting you elaborate.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Come on, you guys don't change Interesting
Elaborate.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
Come on, you guys don't change.
Women change by the week.
Our estrogen levels change bythe week.
Our progesterone levels changeby the week.
Our testosterone changes by theweek.
Guys don't change, so they canhave that normalcy.
Even down to our workoutschedule has to change in order
(10:04):
to flex with how our body andour hormones are changing week
to week.
And so for us to say, okay,we're going to have the drive,
we're going to have the lumbito,we're going to have the stamina
, we're going to have no cramps,we're going to have no
headaches, every single week,that is impossible.
(10:24):
You're trying to take anever-evolving woman and
conforming it to a very strictpattern of consistency.
That is just not feasible toour makeup and that's hard.
So I think the way and I wantto touch on guys in the next
point and I want to touch onguys in the next point but after
(10:45):
growing and learning and reallyunderstanding each other, I
think the best way to getintimate and to be sexual is to
really understand the flow ofyour wife and move sexually
according to that.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
For example Okay, this is great, bring it, this is
good stuff.
Guys.
This is really a superconsideration, because just
knowing when her time of themonth is is not enough.
Knowing what happens in eachweek of that cycle is huge.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Yes, okay.
So think about it like thisOkay, you start with the
menstrual cycle.
It's weird, it's you know some,whatever floats your boat.
Okay, I'm not going to say yesor no, but what I am going to
say is know your woman, knowwhat she needs in that moment,
and if you want to get intimatein that moment, then you do more
romance, right, you start, youstart planting the seeds of
romance, with a little lessexpectation of ending that
(11:39):
romance in a bed okay, yeahafter that season is over and
you're kind of in that ovulationseason, that is when you guys
go to town, that is when youcatch up, that is when you, you
guys, fill up your tanks if youwill, and you, you guys, have
all of the moments that you want.
That is when her lumbito is high, that is when her drive is
there, that is when you guysengage in flirtatious and you're
(12:00):
just into each other and youguys are doing all the things
that you want to do consistently, right, that's easy.
Then, eventually, you're goingto start to see a drop in how
she responds.
She might not want to betouched as much, right.
She might be a little moretired, she might be a little
more edgy.
So that's when you got to kindof pull it away.
(12:21):
You can't expect her to bewhere she was a week ago because
her hormones are changed.
She doesn't feel the same.
She feels like I don't feelcomfortable in my body right now
.
Everything is just not normal,and so you have to feed into
that and maybe you give her amassage, you give her a back rub
, maybe she's willing to do alittle more for you in other
(12:41):
ways, but you can't expect herto meet you with that same
energy that she had a week agoand then the week after that,
where all of the hormones arevery low because she's about to
menstruate again.
Then she's really like I justwant to lay here, I just want to
watch shows and eat chocolateand cry a lot.
(13:02):
You give her the space to be inthat.
I think a lot of the times guysare expecting the consistency
day in and day out and then theymake their wife feel like they
have to show up and they have todeliver when they're in this
setting where it's like I don'twant to be touched, I don't want
to be seen, I just want to hide, I just want to sleep.
(13:24):
I don't be seen, I just want tohide, I just want to sleep.
I can't make decisions, but youwant me to not be in this state
.
I physically can't do that, Imentally can't do that, but you
want me to, and that's not fair.
You have to meet them wherethey're at.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
That's good.
So when you're telling all this, you're sharing all these
different parts of the cycle.
I'm listening to you and I'mthinking I'm going to answer
this.
I'm thinking who's responsiblefor this communication?
And I think for me, hearing youtalk about it, it's up to both
of us.
As a guy, it's up for me to askthe questions, to follow where
(13:57):
your body is at, because my bodyis your body, your body is my
body.
But to follow where your bodyis at so that I can be
understanding and be connectedwith you in that way, so that
it's not a big shock like you'retrying to get physical and I'm
not trying to get physical atall, right, and I'm like, hey, I
know today's, you know you kindof craving more chocolate.
Let me get you some chocolatestoday, let me bring you a
(14:19):
brownie today, just to show that, hey, I'm connected to you.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
So that that connection when, when it is
there when the when the libidois high, when the sex drive is
high yes it can be there you'replanting seeds so that when
you're, when she's ready to,yeah, be picked to be to be
physical, that's all right.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
You know when you're ready, yeah, when she's ready to
be picked To be physical.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
That's all right.
When she's ready to be physical, she's prepared to be there,
she's mentally engaged, you'rementally prepared and
everything's lining up.
But there are some things thatgirls need to be mindful of for
men that I think are just asimportant, that we need to talk
about.
So we just spent the first halfreally talking about women and
how women are constantlychanging and how guys need to
kind of meet into that changeyeah but there are some guys out
(15:03):
there who have a very high sexdrive okay I don't.
I don't know this for factbecause I'm a girl, but I've
been told that you know guys whowork out or guys who are very
like athletic or physical.
Like your drive goes up.
Okay, right is.
Is this real?
Like the more you go to the gymand pump you know, I can only
speak from my experience here.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
The more I work out, the more I guess my drive would
be higher.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Yeah and so like, with all that testosterone, like
there comes that drive increaseand so there are guys out there
who are have a very high drive,yeah, but then you have this
woman who is constantlyfluctuating and so for the guys
kyle, like, how do men gothrough that?
Because I think a lot of othertimes there are guys who are
(15:47):
trying their best to be patientand to meet their wife where
they're at, but their drive isso high that oftentimes if they
are not careful they'll try torelease that in other ways.
It can go into a porn way.
It can go into looking at otherwomen way, it could go into like
a masturbation way, and all ofthose other avenues are not
(16:11):
necessarily things that youshould be bringing into your
marriage bed ever.
And so how can we help the guyswho need to have more than just
that one week of ovulation?
I'm in a happy mood.
How can we help that?
Speaker 1 (16:27):
This goes completely back to communication.
The guy has to be willing tostand up and say, hey, we're not
being physical enough, we'renot being physical as often as I
need to be yeah and I need yourhelp in this area and her to
respond in a mature way and sayhey, I know it hasn't been quite
how we wanted it to be and wecan do better and I can do
(16:48):
better.
And if it's, if it's a thingwhere it's not happening, where
you guys aren't physicallyconnecting at all, like weeks
and weeks apart this is a couplewho's a great contender for
scheduling Okay, go a month ofscheduled and just make those
four weeks scheduled and thenthe next month try and up it,
(17:11):
right, yeah, and then you'llfind the balance of what's
enough and what's not enough.
Yeah what's enough and what'snot enough.
And if that two-month trialdoesn't reveal enough to you
about what the next step is, itmight be time to enter into the
30-day challenge, where you gofor physical connection 30 days
(17:33):
in a row to find your rhythm, tofind what syncs you guys up.
Guys will come into marriagewith an unreal expectation of
what the marriage bed issupposed to be.
What the marriage bed is like,that's good.
It can turn really negative,into bullying and extra
controlling.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
Or it can go the total opposite way, where he is,
like you said, looking for thatphysical release outside of the
relationship and leading to sinand destructive behavior.
And so that's how I would talkto a guy and say, hey, here's
what you can try is start slowwith the scheduled once a week
and then build up from there.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
I like what you said about.
It's almost like they have tocompromise Both of you, husband
and wife.
You have to compromise, both ofyou, husband and wife.
You have to compromise.
For a guy who's like I need it,I need it, we have to have it.
It's not enough.
It's not enough.
You're not listening to her.
And for a woman to say I have aheadache, I have cramps, I'm
tired, I don't want to do it.
I want to do it.
You're not listening to him.
That's perfect yep, and so youboth have to give up some of it
(18:39):
and you both have to pour in tosome of it.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
You both have to give up some of your needs and what
your expectations are.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
And you both have to be willing to meet each other
where that other person is.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
A little bit.
Yeah, Come to the middle Cometo the middle.
We don't have to go all the wayto being physical every day,
right, but physical every fewdays would be awesome.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
So for the month of valentine's day, you know, the
season of love, yeah, there's alot of dangers, for when needs
are not met, you know, for guys,they can go out and they could
take matters into their ownhands to get their needs met
sexually, okay.
For women, they could growdistant and cold, yeah, and they
(19:23):
could pull away from theirhusbands.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
And that could be damaging as well, just as
damaging, certainly.
You know you're not cheatingand you're not, you know, doing
any porn or anything like that,but you pulling away from your
husband and not giving him theintimacy, physically, that they
need in their marriage, that isjust as harmful and damaging.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
And so we've talked a lot about the 30-day challenge.
We've mentioned this inprevious episodes, but for those
of you guys who haven't heardthose episodes before, those of
you guys who haven't heard thoseepisodes before, the 30 day
challenge for us, as Kyle said,is every day for 30 days, try to
(20:10):
engage in sexual activity withyour spouse.
Doesn't necessarily mean thatyou're going to you know, I
don't know what your drive is.
I'm not telling you to havethree, four hours of intimacy
for 30 days.
You guys would probably tipover and fall apart.
But what I am trying to say isthat you have to try it
consistently to remove any fears, to remove any triggers or
(20:32):
traumas, to remove anyuncomfortableness, to remove any
awkwardness, anyuncomfortableness, to remove any
awkwardness If there's a womanwho doesn't feel good about the
way she looks and she's ashamedof that.
Then meeting with your husbandevery day for 30 days will help
you kind of overcome that shame,because you guys, if it didn't
work the first day, like if itdidn't work day six okay, this
(20:53):
was a dud.
Day what didn't work.
Okay, let's just hold eachother and fall asleep.
Day seven we're going to try itagain.
Okay, oh you, we don't want totalk about this, cause it's
awkward, and now we both feeluncomfortable and we both lost
our drive and we can't, we'renot going to commit to the act
right now.
Okay, that was day seven.
Day eight we're going to startagain.
(21:14):
We're going to try this again,and I think the 30-day challenge
is not about let's get physicalfor 30 days, but let's not give
up on figuring it out for 30days.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
I don't know what it would be called, but it's like
the opposite of a fast and it'snot a feast, but it's just a
consistent effort to do this sothat it can work into your
routine.
It can work into your habits,your relationship.
I think we've talked to coupleswho are having a hard time
connecting.
We've talked to couples who arewhere the guy's needs aren't
(21:45):
being met.
We've talked to guys about howto meet their woman more in the
middle yeah, I want to talkabout, like when there's you
brought it up, actually, youhinted at it where there's just
a physical disconnection thewoman doesn't feel pretty enough
to make it happen.
Yeah, the guy is getting olderand his drive is gone or nearly
(22:06):
gone.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Or maybe the woman doesn't initiate it.
So the guy feels like, oh, shedoesn't want me, she doesn't
desire me.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
Right.
And so for those couples, Ithink, if there is a physical
limitation stopping you, orwhere something is, frankly, the
mechanics aren't working.
There is no shame in going tothe doctor and getting help for
that right.
If you need, get some ginseng.
If you need right, I know wehave.
(22:35):
It's as funny as it sounds.
The chiropractor are very goodat helping to look at these kind
of functions Really, but alsoreal.
Yeah, remember you're.
We went through, you wentthrough the chiropractor and
they helped with with libido.
Speaker 2 (22:48):
Oh yes, situations yes, and they're able to.
They're more holistic, yes.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Holistically Right, so you're getting into
supplements instead of drugs.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
Right, supplements instead of drugs.
Right, knowing what imbalancesyou have in your body also
getting your body in alignment.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
Your hips could be out of alignment and that could
cause a big physical yeahproblem when you're trying to
get physical in your marriagebed.
It's good and and likewise forladies.
If you just ladies, there'stimes we just don't feel pretty
Right, it happens Right.
Oh yeah, guys, you got to buildher up.
Talk her up, Make her feelgreat, point out those things
(23:24):
that you don't just say, oh, youlook great today.
Say, hey, you look great inthose jeans.
It shows off the curves of yourhips, it shows off your ankles.
Those shorts oh man, you havesuch great calves.
And build her up right.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
Your eyes Calves.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Kyle when you stare into her eyes.
Yeah, calves, Calves can beawesome.
Speaker 2 (23:42):
That chin is so chiseled bro.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
That's right.
That's right.
Likewise, you see that you canbuild him right back up.
Same way.
It takes two right the wholeway.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
This whole talk, sex, love, making love it takes two
Working together to figure itout.
What I want to say in that ittakes two is sometimes it's all
about confidence and I think youknow, whatever your past is,
whatever your past sexualexperience is somewhere in there
.
People could have lost theirconfidence.
Yeah, they could have felt alot of shame.
They could have felt a lot offear.
(24:18):
There's a lot of insecurity thatgoes into the marriage bed and
you might think that you solvedall of your problems before
marriage and you guys are agreat compatible couple and you
guys were great.
But then as soon as you get tothe marriage bed and you have to
be naked, you get shameful.
As soon as you get to themarriage bed and you have to be
naked, you get shameful.
And the Bible teaches us inGenesis that Adam and Eve were
(24:40):
together and they were naked andunashamed.
And a lot of the times we getthe naked part right, we set up
the scene.
We know what the husband needsbecause his drive is there.
We know what the wife needsbecause her cycle is there and
we get naked.
But then we're also bringing inshame.
We're bringing in, you know,unmet expectations.
(25:03):
We're bringing in insecurity ofhow we feel about each other
and ourselves.
We're bringing in um pastbaggage and traumas and past
triggers and past like well, itwasn't like this before.
You know we're bringing in oldage and you know you're not who
you used to be and you might notlast as long as you used to, or
(25:23):
you know your hips aren't thereanymore.
You know we we're bringing inhormones and how they're
constantly changing, from havingchildren and from getting older
and all the things.
And we're bringing in all thisstuff and it's keeping us in
this shameful shadow whichreally stops you from
experiencing the true essence ofwhat sex should be with a
(25:46):
husband and a wife, and so Ithink my prayer to you guys, if
you're listening to this orwatching this, is try as hard as
you can, even if you don't dothe 30 day sex challenge, do a
30 day fast to just remove theshame in your marriage bed,
because once you eliminate thatand you guys can come together
(26:08):
wholeheartedly in love with eachother for who you are naked and
I just I love you so much thatI want to express that in a
physical way then your, your sexis going to become love making
and love making is going to be aconsistent thing and it will
just be an overflow ofeverything that has happened
(26:30):
mentally, emotionally,spiritually yes, you know, yes,
I think, my last encouragementif we're getting close to the
end here
Speaker 1 (26:37):
yeah my last encouragement is that, as a
couple, when we get together forlovemaking, it is not one-sided
, this is not just for him yes Ithink wives can get into that,
where this is just for him yesand guys can get into.
Well, I just need this and Ijust need that, and that's one
of those other awesome thingsthat come out of that 30-day
challenge.
(26:57):
When we did it was learning howto have both of us get the most
out of it so that it's atotally mutual, enjoyable
situation, right.
So we're both coming out ofthat feeling like that was
awesome, right, and that's thewhole goal.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
And for couples who it's been a long time where it's
just been out of sync, out oftouch, not going the way you
want it to, I would encourageyou to start over, start slow.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
There you go.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
Start by dating each other.
Yeah, go out on a date.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
Okay, go back to the basics.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
Right If you're a couple who likes to exercise,
exercising together at home.
There's so many awesome YouTubevideos out there, so many
coaches who do videos where it'sstuff you can do at home next
to each other.
Yeah Right, yoga Doing yoga.
Christian yoga.
There's so many awesomeChristian yoga people out there
(27:52):
Getting together, just put onthe yoga clothes, get the yoga
mats out, not even touching eachother, but just being around
each other in those moments.
Doing the stretches togetherhelps loosen it up, helps you
get closer, helps you feel lessashamed.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
Yeah, just learning how to be comfortable with each
other.
I think, at the end of the day,from the smallest of dates to
the at-home things, to gettingphysical.
I like what you're saying aboutbeing physical together.
If you guys can learn how to bephysical together, whether
you're dancing, whether you'reworking out, whether you're
stretching, learning how to justbe in a physical space together
can create that comfortablenessand bring you guys back to a
(28:25):
place of familiarity whereyou're not only engaging
mentally, wise, but you're nowconnecting physically, and so
that can help you guys get alittle closer to the end goal.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
That's so good.
Speaker 2 (28:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
I mean, this is something we always have to keep
working on, always.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
It's never perfect.
It's always changing.
It has to be consistentlylooked at.
We got married in our 20s.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
We're not in our 20s anymore, Our energies are not
where it used to be.
We have three kids right.
We went through threepregnancies, four pregnancies
and we have dealt with real lifethings job changes, loss of
parents, loss of connection,just from being distant through
(29:10):
life events and had to work tobuild that back together.
The thing that has just keptsolid through it is we never
gave up.
We were always willing to praythrough it.
God wants marriage connectionright.
God built physical connectioninto marriage.
Pray for your marriage, Prayfor your marriage bread, Pray
for your lovemaking to be justfulfilling and amazing and
awesome, and God will show up.
Live by faith, love by faith,make love by faith.
(29:32):
That's what God wants.
It's there right.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
Love by faith.
Come on, is that a t-shirt?
Speaker 1 (29:39):
No, I won't put that on a shirt, but you know, maybe
a bookmarker.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
It doesn't have to be serious all the time.
It doesn't have to be romanticall the time.
Sometimes it can be playful,sometimes you guys can be
cracking jokes and laughing andstill engaging in a physical
activity, and it can be just asgood and mind-blowing as the
most intimate candlelit you knowchocolate experience that you
(30:06):
could have available there aresome cool uh intimacy games,
like literally games like cardgames.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
There's card games help you connect and help you do
there's apps, flirty things,yeah those are all cool, cool,
uh, tools to use in the bedroom.
Yeah, that have worked for usabsolutely definitely recommend
to couples absolutely yep.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
Last thing I want to leave you guys with is you know
there's no shame in the marriagebed there's no shame between
husband and wife you and me,whatever you choose to do,
whatever you guys agree upon,make sure that it is something
that you guys can do confidentlyand together.
Yeah, you know, there's there'sno shame.
There's there's no shame, like,think about it like anything
(30:45):
that makes you feel awkward,anything that makes you feel
tense, anything that makes youfeel like I don't want to, I
don't want to talk about that.
That's.
That's a weird, a weird place.
Figure that out and get it outof there, because it has no
place in your marriage bud.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Bring it out.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
It has no place in your marriage bud.
The Bible made this to besomething that is enjoyable,
that is pleasing, that ispleasurable, and so we pray that
you guys can get to a placewhere you can experience that on
an ongoing basis, regardless ofall the other things that are
happening to you in yourmarriage.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
My last drop of wisdom would be forgiveness is
huge in the marriage bed.
I forgive you for driving mecrazy the other day.
That's a great time to let allthat baggage go to seek
forgiveness together Can't getintimate with a grudge To seek
forgiveness together.
Can't get intimate with agrudge that goes on the t-shirt
and let each other just be freetogether, yes, right.
(31:42):
And to thrive together, yes,man that's so good.
Speaker 2 (31:46):
That was a good episode.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
I hope that Go ahead.
You're going to the same placeI was going.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
I pray that, with all of the interruptions and all of
the stuff, that there was somebreakthrough that came out of
this episode and if there's acouple out there who heard this
episode and received from it andhave gotten an improved
lifestyle, an improved sexualmarriage but from this episode,
don't give us the details, butlet us know if this is a helpful
(32:13):
episode for you guys, if itedified you and it helped you in
your marriage.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
Right.
You know our socials reach outto us, send us messages.
We're glad to connect, talk toyou, pray with you.
Whatever you need, we are herefor you.
We're not just out here talkingabout it, we're not just living
by faith.
We're out here to love by faith.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
Let's go ahead and pray, and I'll close this out if
you don't mind, Bring it onSelena All right.
Lord, we just thank you forhelping us get this episode out.
We know that sex is sometimesan awkward and hard topic to
talk about among husband andwife.
But, lord, I pray that youwould just open an opportunity
for the couples who arelistening this week to have that
(32:56):
conversation, to just expresstheir concerns and their heart
desires, to communicate openly,so that they know that they're
being heard with love, thatthere is space to hear their
feelings and their thoughtsabout things.
And, lord, I pray that thesecouples can come to an agreement
, that they can compromise witheach other, that they could see
each other, that they canexpress their love for one
(33:17):
another and that together theycan overcome any shame or fear
or insecurity that may be tryingto linger in their marriage bed
.
We just dismiss it in the nameof Jesus and we pray that these
couples will just excel andthrive and grow to love one
another deeper and longer.
In Jesus's name, amen, amen.
(33:37):
Thank you guys so much fortuning in on this Valentine's
themed episode.
We hope to see you guys nextweek as we continue our
conversation on love, sex,flowers and chocolate.
We hope to see you guys againsoon.
If you're watching on YouTube,be sure to like, share and
subscribe.
If you guys are listening toApple or Spotify, please give us
that five-star review so othercouples like you can watch us
(34:00):
and learn how to love by faithas well.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
Have a great Valentine's Day everyone.
Make it special, Make it fullof love.
See you next time.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
I'm a millennial, so I do this hard Do the big heart.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
That's what I just did a minute ago.
Speaker 2 (34:10):
I do the big heart, we don't do the, we don't do the
other hearts that's it.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
That's where you get.
That's weird.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
I can't do it okay.
Bye, guys, take care, see yayou know what kind of chocolate
I want white.
I've been craving whitechocolate, no no, I've been
craving marshmallow chocolatewhat?
There's no such thing.
Yes, there are.
A marshmallow, okay, a marsh, adipped marshmallow oh, that's
(34:35):
different.
Oh, I've been craving that somuch what well you know,
easter's right around the corner, so they got the valentine's
day is this week.
Yeah, I understand, butmarshmallow stuff is more of the
easter peeps.
It's the peeps like you neversee marshmallow stuff on
valentine's day.
Yeah, I love the little uhchocolate boxes with all the
(34:58):
surprise chocolate the mysterybox you, you don't get.
I know they sell them all yearlong but, people don't pay
attention to them untilvalentine's day.
I love them, I love every oneof them.
I love them, I love everysingle one of them that's your
thing, huh yes, I don't.
There's not one little hiddenchocolate that I do not like,
even the cherry ones.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
Those were weird at first getting, getting palettes
changing, getting used to thatyeah so it's funny, we do advent
calendars right.
We have different stuff, awhole bunch of days leading up
to it.
Yeah, I think valentine's daywould be a great time to have,
like a once a day up tillvalentine's day, and then you
have the big well, they got likek-cup hearts that would be
great, that's.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
I think valentine's day fits that well, kyle, you're
like for, you're like 11 dayslate bro it'll be better for
next.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
You can make up you can make up for it.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
No, no, not next year .
Now just buy me 11 things andI'll open them all at once
leading up to the leading up tovalent day.
Speaker 1 (35:53):
You know my financial situation.
You just go buy 11 things outof nowhere.
I'm just kidding.
Thanks for being here.
Give me out of here.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
No, I got places to go, kyle, I got to do things.
Speaker 1 (36:04):
I got to go.
Speaker 2 (36:05):
I got to go.
Goodbye, good day to you.
Happy Valentine's day, everyone, be safe, bye.
This is the podcast that the enemy did not want you
to have.
It's been crazy.
We're not going to let it end.
Today, this message is gettingout, and I hear a kid coming
already.
This is Love, Sex, Flowers andChocolate.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Is it?
Speaker 1 (00:11):
done.
Episode 2.
Yes, the sex episode.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
We're not perfect people.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
By any means.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
But by trusting in God we learn what it takes to
build a friendship.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
A relationship.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
And marriage that has stood the test of time.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
With a Keeping it Real style.
We're going to talk to youabout everything everything that
we've been through are goingthrough and have overcome All by
learning how to lean on God andeach other.
In order to help you learn howto love by faith, love sex,
(00:59):
flowers and chocolate.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
I feel like this week is a reflection of all of the
frustrations that couplesactually go through.
Oh yeah, when experiencing thistopic.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Dude.
Yes, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Yeah, Because I'm preoccupied, trying to get ready
for the upcoming weekend.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Chasing everybody around trying to get work done
right, trying to get the housein shape, trying to relieve my
wife from having to do too much.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
And then there are so many children, interruptions in
so many forms and the week wentcompletely not how it was
supposed to go.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Who hasn't been there right?
Speaker 2 (01:40):
You know, and everything has just been, I've
been tired and stressed andoverworked and just going with
the flow and trying to keep myhead above water, and then you
have this topic.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
And we're on like nine days straight of kids
waking up in the middle of thenight.
Different kids, different night, different reasons.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Yes, and so there's so many interruptions and
disruptions and I would like tothink that when you know, as a
married couple, when you guyshave good intentions on focusing
on being physically intimateand engaging in sexual acts, you
know for your marriage bed,things like this come up.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
You know, you have the interruptions, you have the
spontaneous plan changes, youhave the change in energy.
You're too tired, you'refrustrated, you're trying to
keep your head above water andthen bam oh, now we have to do
this.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
That lady at 10 am that's sending you the text
messages like hey, today's goingto be a great day, wink, wink.
Right, it's not the same ladywho you walk in the house to at
five o'clock.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Yeah, no, absolutely not, absolutely not.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
And that's how the week was, man.
It was just like today's theday.
We're going to get this podcastdone, we're going to do this,
we're all set.
Nope, nope, sick kid Nothappening, interrupted.
Yeah, wait, you got to go pickup this kid from school.
Oh my gosh, not happening.
Wait, your work's got.
You got this thing.
You got to go to.
Yeah, early for everybody getsup.
(03:07):
Nope, nope, kid was up for anhour Interruptions.
So let's bring this back to theromantic side to get in there.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Let's go back to the series we're in this month long
series of love, sex, flowers andchocolate.
And if you guys caught on thelast episode, we talked about
love and how to make Valentine'sday more intentional and how to
really make it and own it andcreate traditions to have you
longstanding.
But then the other part of love, especially in a Valentine's
(03:30):
Day season leading intoValentine's Day itself, a lot of
times sex is either anexpectation or it's an intention
, or it's a desire, or sometimesit's just a straight out gift
like I don't want your chocolate, I don't want your flowers.
Just give me the love makingand we can call it a day like
(03:51):
I'd rather buy you something forthat moment okay then to buy
flowers and bouquet you knowlike.
So this is a very importanttopic, especially in this season
, and I would like to think thatnot every couple can go into
this topic with ease.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Right, that's for sure.
I hear it from guys.
You hear it from ladies.
We want to.
I think I'm going to just breakit down.
You always tell me this.
I love this.
When I first heard this sayingabout women, it really helped me
understand things and how to bebetter romantically and how to
be better to initiate thebedroom time, and that women are
(04:32):
like spaghetti.
It's all connected.
What happens at 7 am absolutelyinfluences what happens at 9 pm
.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Yes, or what happens on Monday and Tuesday, anduesday
and wednesday, right?
Speaker 1 (04:44):
it's gonna roll into your friday and so it starts
with connecting so much moredeeper than physical.
Right, absolutely beingromantic starts days ahead of
the actual romantic event beingphysically intimate starts days
right I'm gonna say romanticinstead of physically intimate,
because it feels better okay, isthat okay?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
it could be two different things, though I know
A romantic dinner should notequal sex in bed.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Okay, you know what I mean, yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Rubbing somebody's feet after a long day or drawing
them a nice bubble bath whichis romantic, should not always
equate.
I'm doing this to get some, soI think we should separate it.
I think we should separate it,because there are a lot of times
when there's a husband orthere's a wife who is going out
of their way to be romantic, butthen the other person is very
(05:31):
apprehensive to receive it,because they think well, what's
at the end of this?
Speaker 1 (05:36):
What's the catch?
Speaker 2 (05:37):
What are you trying to get, and so they're not
really receiving itwholeheartedly as just a
romantic gesture, becausethey're always feeling like it's
a give and take, and so we needto.
Honestly, I think we need toseparate it okay we need to do
more romantic acts without atakeaway from that without the
physical expectation and that'snot to say that somebody would
(05:58):
feel so in loved by that actthat it would lead into that,
but to make it a tit for tat,like I'm doing this so that you
can get this or that's what theexpectation is.
That's how we've conditionedour marriage to be.
I think we need to break freeof that.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Let me ask you a loaded question, oh dear.
How many times a week is theright number of times?
Speaker 2 (06:20):
To do it yeah.
Oh man, oh, this is a goodquestion.
Yeah, that's why it's a loadedquestion.
When we were first married,when we were young, in our
marriage we were always told agood average is like two and a
half okay okay, two and a halftwo and a half
okay because the half could belike, not all the way but,
something in the field withsomething physical okay and so
(06:44):
when we were young and this waslike right at the beginning of
us having children, we, I'm sonervous about what you're gonna
say we felt a lot of pressurebecause we weren't meeting that
average expectation, and so thenwe were like, oh no, our, our
marriage bed isn't what itshould be.
We need to work on this.
We're not good at being physicalwe put a lot of pressure in
(07:06):
that two and a half number.
So, then we started saying like, well, we don't have time and
we have a new baby and we'retrying, you know, or I'm
pregnant, you know all thesethings.
And so we were like, okay,we're going to schedule it,
we're going to schedule it, andthat worked for a time.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
Scheduling was great in that season.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
It worked for a great time, you know because we then
mentally I can prepare for that,so that if something were to
happen in the spaghetti mess,you know early on, I knew later
in that spaghetti.
There's going to be this timetogether and so I have to
mentally prepare myself.
Kyle was excited because heknew like finally, like I'm
going to get there, like there'sno like backing out and you
(07:50):
know all these things.
But of course, our focus to mepersonally, I think our focus
was too much on meeting thataverage measure, okay, and so
eventually you know hormones andkids and time and work and all
of the things got in the way andwe weren't able to meet the two
and a half.
We've talked about this before,guys.
We've talked about the 30 daychallenge.
We talked about how the 30 daychallenge really helped us
(08:10):
understand ourselves to thepoint where we don't.
We no longer need to scheduleit, we no longer need to focus
on a two and a half number, somedays or some weeks, it's more
some weeks, it's's less, butthat doesn't stop how we
physically connect and itdoesn't make us feel like we are
(08:31):
not or like we're slacking.
In that connection, I believebecause of what happened in the
30-day challenge yeah, I thinkmost guys would.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
If you ask me the same question how many times is
the right time?
I think a lot of guys wouldfeel good knowing that, hey, the
schedule is the schedule andthis is happening.
You get the security there, youget the consistency, you get
the dependability right.
And the guys can build it intotheir routine.
They can know hey, today's thespecial day.
I could do something extra forher to just remind her, like,
(09:01):
hey, this is important to me,you're important to me.
And as that becomes more of theroutine and more of the habit,
it won't just only happen on thespecial day, right?
So you won't just be like, oh,I'm excited for this day, here's
some extra flowers, here's someextra gifts, here's a new
whatever, here's a gift card toSephora or whatever you do Wow
Fancy.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
But it'll be more routine, like hey, I like you,
you like me, let's just makethis not so transactional, but
here's the key word that youkept using in that entire
statement guys.
Yeah, I was talking to guys,yes, but here hear me, guys,
please, please, hear me.
Okay, guys, don't changeinteresting you elaborate.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Come on, you guys don't change Interesting
Elaborate.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
Come on, you guys don't change.
Women change by the week.
Our estrogen levels change bythe week.
Our progesterone levels changeby the week.
Our testosterone changes by theweek.
Guys don't change, so they canhave that normalcy.
Even down to our workoutschedule has to change in order
(10:04):
to flex with how our body andour hormones are changing week
to week.
And so for us to say, okay,we're going to have the drive,
we're going to have the lumbito,we're going to have the stamina
, we're going to have no cramps,we're going to have no
headaches, every single week,that is impossible.
(10:24):
You're trying to take anever-evolving woman and
conforming it to a very strictpattern of consistency.
That is just not feasible toour makeup and that's hard.
So I think the way and I wantto touch on guys in the next
point and I want to touch onguys in the next point but after
(10:45):
growing and learning and reallyunderstanding each other, I
think the best way to getintimate and to be sexual is to
really understand the flow ofyour wife and move sexually
according to that.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
For example Okay, this is great, bring it, this is
good stuff.
Guys.
This is really a superconsideration, because just
knowing when her time of themonth is is not enough.
Knowing what happens in eachweek of that cycle is huge.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Yes, okay.
So think about it like thisOkay, you start with the
menstrual cycle.
It's weird, it's you know some,whatever floats your boat.
Okay, I'm not going to say yesor no, but what I am going to
say is know your woman, knowwhat she needs in that moment,
and if you want to get intimatein that moment, then you do more
romance, right, you start, youstart planting the seeds of
romance, with a little lessexpectation of ending that
(11:39):
romance in a bed okay, yeahafter that season is over and
you're kind of in that ovulationseason, that is when you guys
go to town, that is when youcatch up, that is when you, you
guys, fill up your tanks if youwill, and you, you guys, have
all of the moments that you want.
That is when her lumbito is high, that is when her drive is
there, that is when you guysengage in flirtatious and you're
(12:00):
just into each other and youguys are doing all the things
that you want to do consistently, right, that's easy.
Then, eventually, you're goingto start to see a drop in how
she responds.
She might not want to betouched as much, right.
She might be a little moretired, she might be a little
more edgy.
So that's when you got to kindof pull it away.
(12:21):
You can't expect her to bewhere she was a week ago because
her hormones are changed.
She doesn't feel the same.
She feels like I don't feelcomfortable in my body right now
.
Everything is just not normal,and so you have to feed into
that and maybe you give her amassage, you give her a back rub
, maybe she's willing to do alittle more for you in other
(12:41):
ways, but you can't expect herto meet you with that same
energy that she had a week agoand then the week after that,
where all of the hormones arevery low because she's about to
menstruate again.
Then she's really like I justwant to lay here, I just want to
watch shows and eat chocolateand cry a lot.
(13:02):
You give her the space to be inthat.
I think a lot of the times guysare expecting the consistency
day in and day out and then theymake their wife feel like they
have to show up and they have todeliver when they're in this
setting where it's like I don'twant to be touched, I don't want
to be seen, I just want to hide, I just want to sleep.
(13:24):
I don't be seen, I just want tohide, I just want to sleep.
I can't make decisions, but youwant me to not be in this state
.
I physically can't do that, Imentally can't do that, but you
want me to, and that's not fair.
You have to meet them wherethey're at.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
That's good.
So when you're telling all this, you're sharing all these
different parts of the cycle.
I'm listening to you and I'mthinking I'm going to answer
this.
I'm thinking who's responsiblefor this communication?
And I think for me, hearing youtalk about it, it's up to both
of us.
As a guy, it's up for me to askthe questions, to follow where
(13:57):
your body is at, because my bodyis your body, your body is my
body.
But to follow where your bodyis at so that I can be
understanding and be connectedwith you in that way, so that
it's not a big shock like you'retrying to get physical and I'm
not trying to get physical atall, right, and I'm like, hey, I
know today's, you know you kindof craving more chocolate.
Let me get you some chocolatestoday, let me bring you a
(14:19):
brownie today, just to show that, hey, I'm connected to you.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
So that that connection when, when it is
there when the when the libidois high, when the sex drive is
high yes it can be there you'replanting seeds so that when
you're, when she's ready to,yeah, be picked to be to be
physical, that's all right.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
You know when you're ready, yeah, when she's ready to
be picked To be physical.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
That's all right.
When she's ready to be physical, she's prepared to be there,
she's mentally engaged, you'rementally prepared and
everything's lining up.
But there are some things thatgirls need to be mindful of for
men that I think are just asimportant, that we need to talk
about.
So we just spent the first halfreally talking about women and
how women are constantlychanging and how guys need to
kind of meet into that changeyeah but there are some guys out
(15:03):
there who have a very high sexdrive okay I don't.
I don't know this for factbecause I'm a girl, but I've
been told that you know guys whowork out or guys who are very
like athletic or physical.
Like your drive goes up.
Okay, right is.
Is this real?
Like the more you go to the gymand pump you know, I can only
speak from my experience here.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
The more I work out, the more I guess my drive would
be higher.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Yeah and so like, with all that testosterone, like
there comes that drive increaseand so there are guys out there
who are have a very high drive,yeah, but then you have this
woman who is constantlyfluctuating and so for the guys
kyle, like, how do men gothrough that?
Because I think a lot of othertimes there are guys who are
(15:47):
trying their best to be patientand to meet their wife where
they're at, but their drive isso high that oftentimes if they
are not careful they'll try torelease that in other ways.
It can go into a porn way.
It can go into looking at otherwomen way, it could go into like
a masturbation way, and all ofthose other avenues are not
(16:11):
necessarily things that youshould be bringing into your
marriage bed ever.
And so how can we help the guyswho need to have more than just
that one week of ovulation?
I'm in a happy mood.
How can we help that?
Speaker 1 (16:27):
This goes completely back to communication.
The guy has to be willing tostand up and say, hey, we're not
being physical enough, we'renot being physical as often as I
need to be yeah and I need yourhelp in this area and her to
respond in a mature way and sayhey, I know it hasn't been quite
how we wanted it to be and wecan do better and I can do
(16:48):
better.
And if it's, if it's a thingwhere it's not happening, where
you guys aren't physicallyconnecting at all, like weeks
and weeks apart this is a couplewho's a great contender for
scheduling Okay, go a month ofscheduled and just make those
four weeks scheduled and thenthe next month try and up it,
(17:11):
right, yeah, and then you'llfind the balance of what's
enough and what's not enough.
Yeah what's enough and what'snot enough.
And if that two-month trialdoesn't reveal enough to you
about what the next step is, itmight be time to enter into the
30-day challenge, where you gofor physical connection 30 days
(17:33):
in a row to find your rhythm, tofind what syncs you guys up.
Guys will come into marriagewith an unreal expectation of
what the marriage bed issupposed to be.
What the marriage bed is like,that's good.
It can turn really negative,into bullying and extra
controlling.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
Or it can go the total opposite way, where he is,
like you said, looking for thatphysical release outside of the
relationship and leading to sinand destructive behavior.
And so that's how I would talkto a guy and say, hey, here's
what you can try is start slowwith the scheduled once a week
and then build up from there.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
I like what you said about.
It's almost like they have tocompromise Both of you, husband
and wife.
You have to compromise, both ofyou, husband and wife.
You have to compromise.
For a guy who's like I need it,I need it, we have to have it.
It's not enough.
It's not enough.
You're not listening to her.
And for a woman to say I have aheadache, I have cramps, I'm
tired, I don't want to do it.
I want to do it.
You're not listening to him.
That's perfect yep, and so youboth have to give up some of it
(18:39):
and you both have to pour in tosome of it.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
You both have to give up some of your needs and what
your expectations are.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
And you both have to be willing to meet each other
where that other person is.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
A little bit.
Yeah, Come to the middle Cometo the middle.
We don't have to go all the wayto being physical every day,
right, but physical every fewdays would be awesome.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
So for the month of valentine's day, you know, the
season of love, yeah, there's alot of dangers, for when needs
are not met, you know, for guys,they can go out and they could
take matters into their ownhands to get their needs met
sexually, okay.
For women, they could growdistant and cold, yeah, and they
(19:23):
could pull away from theirhusbands.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
And that could be damaging as well, just as
damaging, certainly.
You know you're not cheatingand you're not, you know, doing
any porn or anything like that,but you pulling away from your
husband and not giving him theintimacy, physically, that they
need in their marriage, that isjust as harmful and damaging.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
And so we've talked a lot about the 30-day challenge.
We've mentioned this inprevious episodes, but for those
of you guys who haven't heardthose episodes before, those of
you guys who haven't heard thoseepisodes before, the 30 day
challenge for us, as Kyle said,is every day for 30 days, try to
(20:10):
engage in sexual activity withyour spouse.
Doesn't necessarily mean thatyou're going to you know, I
don't know what your drive is.
I'm not telling you to havethree, four hours of intimacy
for 30 days.
You guys would probably tipover and fall apart.
But what I am trying to say isthat you have to try it
consistently to remove any fears, to remove any triggers or
(20:32):
traumas, to remove anyuncomfortableness, to remove any
awkwardness, anyuncomfortableness, to remove any
awkwardness If there's a womanwho doesn't feel good about the
way she looks and she's ashamedof that.
Then meeting with your husbandevery day for 30 days will help
you kind of overcome that shame,because you guys, if it didn't
work the first day, like if itdidn't work day six okay, this
(20:53):
was a dud.
Day what didn't work.
Okay, let's just hold eachother and fall asleep.
Day seven we're going to try itagain.
Okay, oh you, we don't want totalk about this, cause it's
awkward, and now we both feeluncomfortable and we both lost
our drive and we can't, we'renot going to commit to the act
right now.
Okay, that was day seven.
Day eight we're going to startagain.
(21:14):
We're going to try this again,and I think the 30-day challenge
is not about let's get physicalfor 30 days, but let's not give
up on figuring it out for 30days.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
I don't know what it would be called, but it's like
the opposite of a fast and it'snot a feast, but it's just a
consistent effort to do this sothat it can work into your
routine.
It can work into your habits,your relationship.
I think we've talked to coupleswho are having a hard time
connecting.
We've talked to couples who arewhere the guy's needs aren't
(21:45):
being met.
We've talked to guys about howto meet their woman more in the
middle yeah, I want to talkabout, like when there's you
brought it up, actually, youhinted at it where there's just
a physical disconnection thewoman doesn't feel pretty enough
to make it happen.
Yeah, the guy is getting olderand his drive is gone or nearly
(22:06):
gone.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Or maybe the woman doesn't initiate it.
So the guy feels like, oh, shedoesn't want me, she doesn't
desire me.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
Right.
And so for those couples, Ithink, if there is a physical
limitation stopping you, orwhere something is, frankly, the
mechanics aren't working.
There is no shame in going tothe doctor and getting help for
that right.
If you need, get some ginseng.
If you need right, I know wehave.
(22:35):
It's as funny as it sounds.
The chiropractor are very goodat helping to look at these kind
of functions Really, but alsoreal.
Yeah, remember you're.
We went through, you wentthrough the chiropractor and
they helped with with libido.
Speaker 2 (22:48):
Oh yes, situations yes, and they're able to.
They're more holistic, yes.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Holistically Right, so you're getting into
supplements instead of drugs.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
Right, supplements instead of drugs.
Right, knowing what imbalancesyou have in your body also
getting your body in alignment.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
Your hips could be out of alignment and that could
cause a big physical yeahproblem when you're trying to
get physical in your marriagebed.
It's good and and likewise forladies.
If you just ladies, there'stimes we just don't feel pretty
Right, it happens Right.
Oh yeah, guys, you got to buildher up.
Talk her up, Make her feelgreat, point out those things
(23:24):
that you don't just say, oh, youlook great today.
Say, hey, you look great inthose jeans.
It shows off the curves of yourhips, it shows off your ankles.
Those shorts oh man, you havesuch great calves.
And build her up right.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
Your eyes Calves.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Kyle when you stare into her eyes.
Yeah, calves, Calves can beawesome.
Speaker 2 (23:42):
That chin is so chiseled bro.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
That's right.
That's right.
Likewise, you see that you canbuild him right back up.
Same way.
It takes two right the wholeway.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
This whole talk, sex, love, making love it takes two
Working together to figure itout.
What I want to say in that ittakes two is sometimes it's all
about confidence and I think youknow, whatever your past is,
whatever your past sexualexperience is somewhere in there
.
People could have lost theirconfidence.
Yeah, they could have felt alot of shame.
They could have felt a lot offear.
(24:18):
There's a lot of insecurity thatgoes into the marriage bed and
you might think that you solvedall of your problems before
marriage and you guys are agreat compatible couple and you
guys were great.
But then as soon as you get tothe marriage bed and you have to
be naked, you get shameful.
As soon as you get to themarriage bed and you have to be
naked, you get shameful.
And the Bible teaches us inGenesis that Adam and Eve were
(24:40):
together and they were naked andunashamed.
And a lot of the times we getthe naked part right, we set up
the scene.
We know what the husband needsbecause his drive is there.
We know what the wife needsbecause her cycle is there and
we get naked.
But then we're also bringing inshame.
We're bringing in, you know,unmet expectations.
(25:03):
We're bringing in insecurity ofhow we feel about each other
and ourselves.
We're bringing in um pastbaggage and traumas and past
triggers and past like well, itwasn't like this before.
You know we're bringing in oldage and you know you're not who
you used to be and you might notlast as long as you used to, or
(25:23):
you know your hips aren't thereanymore.
You know we we're bringing inhormones and how they're
constantly changing, from havingchildren and from getting older
and all the things.
And we're bringing in all thisstuff and it's keeping us in
this shameful shadow whichreally stops you from
experiencing the true essence ofwhat sex should be with a
(25:46):
husband and a wife, and so Ithink my prayer to you guys, if
you're listening to this orwatching this, is try as hard as
you can, even if you don't dothe 30 day sex challenge, do a
30 day fast to just remove theshame in your marriage bed,
because once you eliminate thatand you guys can come together
(26:08):
wholeheartedly in love with eachother for who you are naked and
I just I love you so much thatI want to express that in a
physical way then your, your sexis going to become love making
and love making is going to be aconsistent thing and it will
just be an overflow ofeverything that has happened
(26:30):
mentally, emotionally,spiritually yes, you know, yes,
I think, my last encouragementif we're getting close to the
end here
Speaker 1 (26:37):
yeah my last encouragement is that, as a
couple, when we get together forlovemaking, it is not one-sided
, this is not just for him yes Ithink wives can get into that,
where this is just for him yesand guys can get into.
Well, I just need this and Ijust need that, and that's one
of those other awesome thingsthat come out of that 30-day
challenge.
(26:57):
When we did it was learning howto have both of us get the most
out of it so that it's atotally mutual, enjoyable
situation, right.
So we're both coming out ofthat feeling like that was
awesome, right, and that's thewhole goal.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
And for couples who it's been a long time where it's
just been out of sync, out oftouch, not going the way you
want it to, I would encourageyou to start over, start slow.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
There you go.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
Start by dating each other.
Yeah, go out on a date.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
Okay, go back to the basics.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
Right If you're a couple who likes to exercise,
exercising together at home.
There's so many awesome YouTubevideos out there, so many
coaches who do videos where it'sstuff you can do at home next
to each other.
Yeah Right, yoga Doing yoga.
Christian yoga.
There's so many awesomeChristian yoga people out there
(27:52):
Getting together, just put onthe yoga clothes, get the yoga
mats out, not even touching eachother, but just being around
each other in those moments.
Doing the stretches togetherhelps loosen it up, helps you
get closer, helps you feel lessashamed.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
Yeah, just learning how to be comfortable with each
other.
I think, at the end of the day,from the smallest of dates to
the at-home things, to gettingphysical.
I like what you're saying aboutbeing physical together.
If you guys can learn how to bephysical together, whether
you're dancing, whether you'reworking out, whether you're
stretching, learning how to justbe in a physical space together
can create that comfortablenessand bring you guys back to a
(28:25):
place of familiarity whereyou're not only engaging
mentally, wise, but you're nowconnecting physically, and so
that can help you guys get alittle closer to the end goal.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
That's so good.
Speaker 2 (28:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
I mean, this is something we always have to keep
working on, always.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
It's never perfect.
It's always changing.
It has to be consistentlylooked at.
We got married in our 20s.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
We're not in our 20s anymore, Our energies are not
where it used to be.
We have three kids right.
We went through threepregnancies, four pregnancies
and we have dealt with real lifethings job changes, loss of
parents, loss of connection,just from being distant through
(29:10):
life events and had to work tobuild that back together.
The thing that has just keptsolid through it is we never
gave up.
We were always willing to praythrough it.
God wants marriage connectionright.
God built physical connectioninto marriage.
Pray for your marriage, Prayfor your marriage bread, Pray
for your lovemaking to be justfulfilling and amazing and
awesome, and God will show up.
Live by faith, love by faith,make love by faith.
(29:32):
That's what God wants.
It's there right.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
Love by faith.
Come on, is that a t-shirt?
Speaker 1 (29:39):
No, I won't put that on a shirt, but you know, maybe
a bookmarker.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
It doesn't have to be serious all the time.
It doesn't have to be romanticall the time.
Sometimes it can be playful,sometimes you guys can be
cracking jokes and laughing andstill engaging in a physical
activity, and it can be just asgood and mind-blowing as the
most intimate candlelit you knowchocolate experience that you
(30:06):
could have available there aresome cool uh intimacy games,
like literally games like cardgames.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
There's card games help you connect and help you do
there's apps, flirty things,yeah those are all cool, cool,
uh, tools to use in the bedroom.
Yeah, that have worked for usabsolutely definitely recommend
to couples absolutely yep.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
Last thing I want to leave you guys with is you know
there's no shame in the marriagebed there's no shame between
husband and wife you and me,whatever you choose to do,
whatever you guys agree upon,make sure that it is something
that you guys can do confidentlyand together.
Yeah, you know, there's there'sno shame.
There's there's no shame, like,think about it like anything
(30:45):
that makes you feel awkward,anything that makes you feel
tense, anything that makes youfeel like I don't want to, I
don't want to talk about that.
That's.
That's a weird, a weird place.
Figure that out and get it outof there, because it has no
place in your marriage bud.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Bring it out.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
It has no place in your marriage bud.
The Bible made this to besomething that is enjoyable,
that is pleasing, that ispleasurable, and so we pray that
you guys can get to a placewhere you can experience that on
an ongoing basis, regardless ofall the other things that are
happening to you in yourmarriage.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
My last drop of wisdom would be forgiveness is
huge in the marriage bed.
I forgive you for driving mecrazy the other day.
That's a great time to let allthat baggage go to seek
forgiveness together Can't getintimate with a grudge To seek
forgiveness together.
Can't get intimate with agrudge that goes on the t-shirt
and let each other just be freetogether, yes, right.
(31:42):
And to thrive together, yes,man that's so good.
Speaker 2 (31:46):
That was a good episode.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
I hope that Go ahead.
You're going to the same placeI was going.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
I pray that, with all of the interruptions and all of
the stuff, that there was somebreakthrough that came out of
this episode and if there's acouple out there who heard this
episode and received from it andhave gotten an improved
lifestyle, an improved sexualmarriage but from this episode,
don't give us the details, butlet us know if this is a helpful
(32:13):
episode for you guys, if itedified you and it helped you in
your marriage.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
Right.
You know our socials reach outto us, send us messages.
We're glad to connect, talk toyou, pray with you.
Whatever you need, we are herefor you.
We're not just out here talkingabout it, we're not just living
by faith.
We're out here to love by faith.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
Let's go ahead and pray, and I'll close this out if
you don't mind, Bring it onSelena All right.
Lord, we just thank you forhelping us get this episode out.
We know that sex is sometimesan awkward and hard topic to
talk about among husband andwife.
But, lord, I pray that youwould just open an opportunity
for the couples who arelistening this week to have that
(32:56):
conversation, to just expresstheir concerns and their heart
desires, to communicate openly,so that they know that they're
being heard with love, thatthere is space to hear their
feelings and their thoughtsabout things.
And, lord, I pray that thesecouples can come to an agreement
, that they can compromise witheach other, that they could see
each other, that they canexpress their love for one
(33:17):
another and that together theycan overcome any shame or fear
or insecurity that may be tryingto linger in their marriage bed
.
We just dismiss it in the nameof Jesus and we pray that these
couples will just excel andthrive and grow to love one
another deeper and longer.
In Jesus's name, amen, amen.
(33:37):
Thank you guys so much fortuning in on this Valentine's
themed episode.
We hope to see you guys nextweek as we continue our
conversation on love, sex,flowers and chocolate.
We hope to see you guys againsoon.
If you're watching on YouTube,be sure to like, share and
subscribe.
If you guys are listening toApple or Spotify, please give us
that five-star review so othercouples like you can watch us
(34:00):
and learn how to love by faithas well.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
Have a great Valentine's Day everyone.
Make it special, Make it fullof love.
See you next time.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
I'm a millennial, so I do this hard Do the big heart.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
That's what I just did a minute ago.
Speaker 2 (34:10):
I do the big heart, we don't do the, we don't do the
other hearts that's it.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
That's where you get.
That's weird.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
I can't do it okay.
Bye, guys, take care, see yayou know what kind of chocolate
I want white.
I've been craving whitechocolate, no no, I've been
craving marshmallow chocolatewhat?
There's no such thing.
Yes, there are.
A marshmallow, okay, a marsh, adipped marshmallow oh, that's
(34:35):
different.
Oh, I've been craving that somuch what well you know,
easter's right around the corner, so they got the valentine's
day is this week.
Yeah, I understand, butmarshmallow stuff is more of the
easter peeps.
It's the peeps like you neversee marshmallow stuff on
valentine's day.
Yeah, I love the little uhchocolate boxes with all the
(34:58):
surprise chocolate the mysterybox you, you don't get.
I know they sell them all yearlong but, people don't pay
attention to them untilvalentine's day.
I love them, I love every oneof them.
I love them, I love everysingle one of them that's your
thing, huh yes, I don't.
There's not one little hiddenchocolate that I do not like,
even the cherry ones.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
Those were weird at first getting, getting palettes
changing, getting used to thatyeah so it's funny, we do advent
calendars right.
We have different stuff, awhole bunch of days leading up
to it.
Yeah, I think valentine's daywould be a great time to have,
like a once a day up tillvalentine's day, and then you
have the big well, they got likek-cup hearts that would be
great, that's.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
I think valentine's day fits that well, kyle, you're
like for, you're like 11 dayslate bro it'll be better for
next.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
You can make up you can make up for it.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
No, no, not next year .
Now just buy me 11 things andI'll open them all at once
leading up to the leading up tovalent day.
Speaker 1 (35:53):
You know my financial situation.
You just go buy 11 things outof nowhere.
I'm just kidding.
Thanks for being here.
Give me out of here.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
No, I got places to go, kyle, I got to do things.
Speaker 1 (36:04):
I got to go.
Speaker 2 (36:05):
I got to go.
Goodbye, good day to you.
Happy Valentine's day, everyone, be safe, bye.
Popular Podcasts
Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club
Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com