A Sad Lonely Cancerous Widow

What happens when you're faced with the dual trials of terminal illness and profound grief? 

This episode is a deeply personal update of my journey through Stage IV Cancer and the emotional echoes of losing my husband, as I grapple with confronting my mortality and the complex layers of grief that come with it.

This is a great example of feeling like you are finally moving forward in life and how moments of intense grief can still linger, casting shadows over your achievements. 

Join me for an honest conversation about how I'm trying to once again find strength, joy, and comfort amidst the isolating and exhausting realities of living with Stage IV cancer and widowhood.

As always, Widow Your Way ❤️

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey friends, I know it's been a while, but if you've
been following me on Instagramor Facebook, I did do a live
update not too long agoexplaining why I have been MIA
or, as I like to put it, heldhostage by cancer.
So for those of you that arejust tuning in for the first

(00:21):
time, you can go back to season1, Episode 1 to hear my whole
story of being diagnosed with arare eye cancer just six weeks
after my husband Tom had died.
And in Season 4 of the podcastyou will find that my cancer has
metastasized.
And that's where I'm at today,living with a stage four liver

(00:44):
cancer.
I recently had somecomplications with my cancer
treatments and ended up in thehospital.
The results left me physicallyunable to do anything on my own.
Mentally it was like I wasliving in a fog, and emotionally

(01:05):
well, I'm just exhausted.
So it's been about two monthssince all this started and I'm
finally feeling more like myselfagain.
My recovery physically has beenfaster than expected, after just
four weeks out of the hospital.

(01:26):
Thanks to a great home at-homephysical therapist, Jessica.
I'm finally done with thewheelchair.
I graduated quickly from usinga walker to a cane and I'm
pushing myself to do more andmore every day.
I even drove for the first timein two months and boy did that

(01:48):
feel amazing just to be able toleave the house on my own,
Because I've always been soindependent and this recent
battle with cancer has takenthat away from me.
But, as you know, I'm alwayslooking for the positive in

(02:11):
everything, so I do have to saythat this experience has also
been very humbling beingbedridden, not being able to
stand on my own or needingassistance just to take a few
steps, having to use a bedsidepotty, having my best friend

(02:33):
shower and dress me, my momwaiting on me hand and foot,
having to call her every time Ineeded to drink or eat anything.
I needed to drink or eatanything, refusing visitors

(02:53):
because I just didn't wantpeople to see me incapacitated.
During this time I was not know.
Probably still, I was angry alot, but mostly sad.
I mean, my mind was constantlytaking me places that it

(03:15):
shouldn't, thinking the worst,going back to my old ways of
thinking where I need to make aplan for everything, thinking
that that would give me somekind of control.
But we can't control cancer andwe also can't control grief.
I was crying all the time foranything and everything, but

(03:40):
mostly I was thinking aboutdeath.
Death, and although physicallyI'm doing better, mentally and
emotionally is a whole otherstory.
The thing is, I'm grieving andyou would think that I would be

(04:01):
used to this by now with so manylosses but this is a whole
different type of grief.
But this is a whole differenttype of grief.
I am watching myself die, butI'm also watching everyone else
watch me die and I feel helplessand in the midst of all my own

(04:30):
emotions.
Sometimes I just don't feelthat I have the capacity to
support others, and this is avery familiar feeling for me.
When Tom died, when I wasgrieving his loss, I could not
see other people's grief for him.

(04:51):
I just couldn't.
And as a widow, we sometimesfeel like we are the only person
who truly loved our husbands.
We are the only person that isgrieving him, Like we are the
only person that is grieving him, Like we are the only ones that

(05:12):
are even still grieving themyears later.
But now that I'm more aware,many years later, I know that's
not true.
I know that there are otherpeople grieving Tom grieving.
There are other people grievingour husbands, just in a

(05:33):
different way, and with that.
I try to acknowledge otherpeople's grief and their love
for me, but it's still hard.
It's hard because I find myselflooking to others for strength

(05:54):
when I don't have it, and I lookto others for laughter when I
just can't find joy, and I lookto others for comfort when I
feel alone.
And I look to others forcomfort when I feel alone.
I find myself comparing thegrief I'm experiencing now for

(06:24):
the same grief that Iexperienced when Tom died.
It's similar in a lot of ways,like the emotions themselves and
also the fact that cancer alsoplayed a role after Tom died.

(06:50):
But it's six weeks of grievinghim before I went into survival
mode due to my eye cancerdiagnosis and everything was
happening so fast and that firstyear after Tom had died is

(07:11):
sometimes just a blur.
I died, then I got my diagnosis, I had the surgery to remove my
eye, then I had to haveradiation afterwards because the
cancer had already spread.
I had to wait to get myprosthetic eye.
I was getting scans every threemonths with the impending

(07:33):
threat of metastasis.
All I could think about wascancer, and there were also so
many other things happeningduring that time.
I mean, life was just lifinglifing the hell out of me
without Tom.
Sometimes during that time itfelt like he didn't exist at all

(07:59):
.
So I had a lot of guilt mixedup in my grief for Tom, mostly
because I felt like I put him ona back burner.
But it's something that I hadto learn to forgive myself for
feeling that way, because I hadto take care of myself right,

(08:22):
and I knew deep down that Tomwould understand that.
And that's what survival modedoes to us.
Sometimes we have on theseblinders and we can't see other
things or other people around us.
So since this stage fourdiagnosis I've found myself back

(08:48):
in that same survival mode, butin one way it's a tad bit
different.
With Tom we went into survivalmode.
I was also on this autopilotright, and with that I didn't
think, I just sat back and didwhat I was told and let other

(09:14):
people take care of things.
And even with my cancerdiagnosis I was on autopilot

(09:37):
again.
And my friend Dana shebasically took over and I let
her, because sometimes that'sjust a comfortable feeling, just
letting go and letting someoneelse just tell you what to do,
when to do, how to do it, whento show up, when to speak.
And so this time, survival modeis just a tad bit different.

(10:03):
I don't want to be on autopilot.
I want to be aware ofeverything Okay, and it makes me
think back to you know, whenTom died the amount of
responsibility that I put oneveryone else while I grieved

(10:24):
and the amount of support that Ihad from the people who did
that.
I can't thank them enough.
So here I am again in survivalmode, dealing with this cancer,
and all I can think about is Tom.
Now, I knew this day was goingto come since my initial

(10:45):
diagnosis in 2018.
But I still don't think thatanything can still prepare you
for it.
And the day that it hit me wasthe day before I was admitted to
the hospital during this recentcomplication.
It was the worst day I had beensick for weeks.

(11:08):
I was in so much pain, I wasfeverish.
I was passing out.
I don't even think I took painmeds that day or even got up to
use the bathroom.
I laid in the bed, justincapacitated.
I couldn't even speak and I wasscared that I was dying.

(11:29):
The next morning, I was able tohave Siri call Angie and, of
course, my best friend cameright over.
She was asking me what waswrong.
What did I think was wrong?
And for the first time I saidit out loud I'm dying and the

(11:52):
treatments aren't working.
I just knew, and at that momentit was like the floodgates of
grief just finally busted openfor me for the first time, as I
admitted to myself that I wasdying, and it's a combination of

(12:22):
fear and relief that is justunexplainable.
Now one of my coping mechanismsis humor.
It always has been, and withthe loss of Tom came a rather
dark sense of humor, and I don'tshare that with everyone
because some people just don'tget it and some people are a
little too sensitive.
So I keep some of those thingsto myself.

(12:44):
But luckily my son and my bestfriend, Angie, are right there
with me.
And that is where my sad,lonely, cancerous widow card
comes into play, Even thoughthat was meant to be funny.
After Tom died, it is somethingthat I started to believe.

(13:08):
I believed that I would be asad, lonely, cancerous widow
forever.
It took me three years after Tomdied before I really started
moving forward with my life.
I feel like I really started tolive.
For the first time ever, All ofmy cancer scans were clear.

(13:32):
I was finally getting scannedevery six months instead of
three.
I was traveling, which issomething that I always wanted
to do.
I started dating, but we're notgoing to talk about that.
I went back to college, got myassociate's degree.
I started to expand my circleof friends and met the most

(13:54):
inspiring women ever.
I did a cross-country trip bymyself, I started a podcast and
now I'm in the process ofwriting a book.
And with all of that I'mstarting to feel like that same
old, sad, lonely, cancerouswidow again.

(14:15):
And this time it's been reallyhard to shake, Like everything
is impossible.
Call it widow brain, cancerbrain, grief, brain, I don't
know.
It's know, it's just hard tothink.

(14:36):
Sometimes it's difficult now tofind words to express how I
feel, but mostly I'm scared.
I used to dread telling my storyand sometimes I still do.
It just seems like it's toomuch of a tragedy for anyone to

(14:58):
bear or to even listen to.
But then one day I did see mystory in a new light and I found
beauty in my widow journey,strength and resilience in how I
survived.
And that is why I started thispodcast to share my story, not

(15:22):
as a tale of sadness, but reallyas a testament to the power of
the human spirit and theincredible strength that is
within all of us.
But I'm searching for that samefeeling again.
So please bear with me as Inavigate through this new realm
of grief, Because I'm tryingreally hard to remember that

(15:54):
love is not dead, just myhusband.