Is the 1st Year really the toughest?

When we lose someone we love, we're often told that the first year is the hardest. But what happens when that first year is over, and we're still grappling with the void that person has left behind? 

After the first year Widows may find themselves feeling increasingly alone in their grief. Yet amidst the pain, there is hope and healing.  

As always, Widow Your Way ❤️

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Please excuse my voice Just getting over being
sick for about a week and it'sstill a little scratchy.
So when I talk it gets worseand then I want to start to
cough.
But I've really missed you andI wanted to record an episode
and I know I've been a littlesporadic lately, but I'm not

(00:23):
going anywhere.
It's just that I'm workingright now on starting my own
business and it's actuallytaking up a lot of time.
So if you follow me onInstagram, you'll hear me talk
all about it in my stories andI'll be making an announcement
soon.
So I'm super excited and Ireally can't wait to share more

(00:47):
as I go.
Today I wanted to talk aboutthat first year of losing your
husband and how naive we can beto think that if we just make it
to that one year mark thatsomehow it's just gonna get
better.
So is the first year thetoughest?

(01:12):
I mean, for me it was.
It was really all aboutsurvival mode.
I was literally hanging on fordear life dealing with my rare
eye cancer diagnosis.
So my first year was really ablur.
But the first year will haveall the first birthdays, first

(01:36):
holidays and all the otherimportant anniversaries without
your person, but usually youstill have people around that
were wanting to share those withyou.
After the first year, yoursupport system does start to
dwindle a little.

(01:57):
And just remember, everyonegrieves at a different pace and
others may very well be movingforward a lot quicker than you.
After the first year, it canseem like you are the only one
that cares or remembers aboutthose special dates.

(02:18):
You may be the only one whowants to still plan birthday
dinner in their memory.
You may be the only one whomentions their name at family
gatherings.
You may be the only person whois still visiting their
gravesite and you willultimately feel like you are the

(02:43):
only person who thinks of themon a daily basis.
Now, I know that there are alot of widows out there that
feel like they can't sharethings on social media about
their husbands or their personafter the first year, because
other people are just tired ofseeing it or hearing about it,

(03:10):
and people may actually saysomething that makes you feel
that way, like they're thinkingthat you should be over it Again
.
Just that one year mark.
I don't know what it is about,that one year that everyone
seems to think that's when itshould be over.

(03:34):
But you know, we as widows, wethink that way too.
You know that after a year wehave permission to live Right.
I like to talk about Tom andpost about him, not only because

(03:56):
I don't want to forget him, butI don't want others to forget
him either.
I know people love Tom in theirown way, but as a wife or
should I say as a widow I feel acertain responsibility to keep

(04:16):
in his memory alive.
Also, during the first yearthere is a lot of crying, and
the crying is expected.
You feel it coming on.
You know why you're crying.
Other people see you crying,they understand.
You know why you're crying.

(04:37):
And again, it's excusablebecause you're grieving the loss
of your husband or your person.
But after a year or two, whenyour life starts to resemble
some sort of normalcy and you'refeeling like you've been
dealing with your grief so muchbetter, bam, just out of nowhere

(05:04):
you start crying for absolutelyno reason.
And for me, it takes a momentfor me to realize what's
happening around me, to figureout what's triggered the tears.
Usually those tears always leadme back to Tom.

(05:26):
When we cry openly like that,especially around people, you
know, after it's been the firstyear or maybe even the second
year, people might be takenaback a little bit Like, wow, I
didn't realize that you stillfeel that way.
And that is something that I'vehad someone say to me and I

(05:48):
just it makes me think.
What do you mean by you'resurprised that I still feel that
way?
It would have almost beenbetter if they would have said
I'm surprised, you're stillgrieving, but to me it felt like
there was only like aninsinuation that I shouldn't

(06:11):
love Tom as much now as before.
So in the beginning I would leta crying episode like that
bring me down for an entire day.
I would immediately go back tobed and I would just want to lay

(06:32):
there all day crying, thinkingof Tom and everything that I've
lost.
But now, when something triggersme to remember Tom and I start
crying, I'll reach out tosomeone and I'll share how I'm
feeling.
If my best friend is home, youknow she'll come over, she'll

(06:55):
cry with me and ultimately itends up being tears of joy,
because now I'm no longertorturing myself about Tom's
loss, I no longer think of mymarriage with regret and I'm

(07:17):
actually grateful for everymoment that I've ever had with
Tom.
I cherish every single memoryand I still do little things to
honor him, but most of all, Itry to live a life that I know

(07:38):
that he would be proud of.
I've learned to live more inthe present and spend less time
worrying about the future.
I'm learning to love myself andput myself first.
I'm figuring out who I am, whatI want to be, what I want to do
in life.

(07:58):
And I wouldn't be here rightnow if it wasn't for Tom, if it
wasn't for my life with Tom andmy experiences with Tom and my
love for Tom Because, after all,love is not dead just my

(08:20):
husband.