July 1, 2022 • 30 mins
Are you REALLY Happy being alone ( like I am)? If so, maybe you have some of the same struggles I have... I'm guarded and I'm getting VERY particular about who I share my heart and time with. Can you relate?
In this episode, I'm going to share with you some examples of how I'm feeling SINGLE AF. At the end, I'm going to share a story from my stepdad Barry about his thoughts about navigating life alone or in a marriage.
This past winter I hibernated. After months of launching this podcast and going out a lot, I retreated to my home and basically shared my time with Lanie, my dog, my family, and close loved ones. BUT, on a short trip to Washington DC, I did hop on BUMBLE for a hot minute. I met a really great guy who I nicknamed Clark Kent. We sparked a little romance and had one date in person. Aside from FaceTiming and getting to know him, my dating life was nonexistent. My winter was essentially cozy, cooped up, and boring... but not in a bad way. I totally enjoyed it. A lot of my friends spent their winter months similarly, so I don't think I'm alone in this.
Flash forward to earlier today when I almost canceled a date because I hadn't heard from the guy in a few day. I was completely content to bake, watch The Flight Attendant, and stay in. Although I've gotten pretty rigid with how I spend my time, I ended up deciding to go out because I haven't gone out on a date in a long time and I was looking forward to meeting him in person. Then, out of nowhere, Nashville Nick texted me that he is in KC. What's a SINGLE AF girl to do?! Go out with two guys in one night. That's what. Duh.
After attending a couple of funerals and experiencing the loss of my dog recently, I found myself unexpectedly wishing I had someone to console me and even hold me while I cry. Although I have a wonderful support system, that tender, intimate support is definitely missing in my life. I feel for all of you facing loss and life's challenges alone!
Lastly, I share a story that Barry shared with me from a time when he was "dead single and alone".
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to man shopping with Stacy, where I
share my real transparent datingand life experiences for your
amusement and inspiration.
I'm your host, Stacy weer, andyou are listening to season two,
episode four, single a F ifyou've made it to the point in
your singles or divorce journeythat you are really happy being
(00:25):
alone.
Like I am, maybe you toostruggle with some of the same
stuff I do.
I just don't know if it's moreappealing of an idea to navigate
life alone or to share my bigheart and life with someone
else.
I'm pretty guarded.
(00:46):
I'm getting incrediblyparticular about who I spend my
time with.
And I just don't know that Iwill find anyone to fit like a
perfect little puzzle piece intomy heart and my little life that
I've created with Laney.
In this episode, I'm gonna sharewith you some examples of the
(01:09):
struggles that I've been dealingwith, and I hope that some of
you find them relatable, justgonna bat some stuff around, let
you guys into my head and myheart.
Maybe I'll come up with someanswers to my own questions.
As I sometimes do while I sayall of this out loud verbalizing
, um, my feelings really doestend to help, uh, even if
there's no therapist sittingnext to me.
(01:31):
And then lastly, I'm gonna sumup with a really heartfelt story
from my stepdad, Barry, on hisopinion and thoughts on
navigating life alone versusnavigating life, uh, with a
partner or in marriage.
(01:52):
So here we go.
I don't think that it's just methat tends to kind of, uh,
hibernate in the wintertime.
You guys.
I had such a freaking busy,crazy social life last spring
and summer.
Um, launching this podcast,going out all the time with
(02:14):
friends, with dates, withdivorced over 40.
I just absolutely burnt myselfout on social activities.
And so this winter, I prettymuch just hold up in my house,
uh, stuck to Laney my family, mydog, and, um, didn't really get
out much with that being said, Idid have one little romantic
(02:40):
interlude.
I hopped on Bumble for a hotminute while I was on a quick
trip to DC, met a fantastic guywho I call Clark Kent.
I consider him to be prettyspecial and we sparked a little
bit of a romance that we kept upthrough FaceTime essentially
(03:02):
over the course of a few months,um, only had one real date sadly
in person.
Um, but aside from that, whichI'll have to talk about another
time I was alone guys alone,alone, alone, all winter.
It's been months now withoutmuch dating activity, flirting,
(03:24):
no apps.
I've just recently gotten backon apps, which I can't wait to
talk about on another episode,but you guys it's been dull.
It's been boring.
It's been cozy, cooped up timeto myself and Hey, guess what I
don't, when I say boring, Idon't mean it in a, in a bad
(03:45):
way.
Um, I've quite enjoyed myslumber, my winter, you know,
hibernation I really have, and Idon't think it's just me.
I feel like a lot of my friendshave kind of been in the same
boat.
They've just kind of cooped upand, um, spent some time alone.
And I think it's really healthy.
(04:06):
I actually recently met abachelor he's 40, never been
married and, and kind of toldhim some of my story told him
that I've, you know, kind ofdated, um, a lot right outta the
gates during my separation.
And first year, um, single aftermy second divorce and then took
equal or more time just tomyself without dating at all.
(04:30):
And, uh, wasn't a turn off tohim.
I don't think he encouraged thatand said that he too has enjoyed
being alone.
Right.
In fact, as I just mentioned,then I am back on some apps
right now.
Um, I, I have a datetonight.
Why is this relevant to anepisode titled single AAF?
(04:53):
Well, because I almost canceledon the guy because, I
talked to him on Monday.
Today is Saturday.
We talked on Monday.
We landed on Saturday for adate.
Completely ambiguous, no planwhatsoever.
Okay, cool.
Well, I didn't hear from him atall after Monday.
So this morning I'm chattingwith a couple of my girlfriends
(05:15):
and I'm like, I don't even knowif I wanna go out with this guy.
Like, I haven't heard a thingfrom him since Monday.
We don't have a plan and I gotto do.
Like I gotta make I gottamake cupcakes and cookies for
prom.
I can stick them in the freezer.
Like it's gonna rain later.
I might just want to watch theflight attendant that just came
(05:35):
back out on HBO, max.
Like I am completely contentdoing all of those things and
missing out on this date becausequite frankly, I felt like if he
was excited about this date,that he would've probably given
me a plan.
Like, Hey, I'd love to take youhere.
Let's meet up at this place,whatever, nothing.
(05:56):
And so I set, um, a deadlinethat he did not know about of
noon today.
Like if I didn't hear from himby noon, there was no way I was
gonna go out with him.
What happened?
He texted me at 11:30 AM and hesaid, Hey, like, are we still on
?
I was like, it.
(06:17):
Now, what do I do?
Like, that's cutting it off aclose buddy, you know?
But because I haven't gone outon any dates in a long time,
because I am interested ingetting to know him.
And he is a local Kansas guy.
I messaged him and I said, okay,here's the deal.
(06:37):
I, I can meet early, like, youknow, four to seven, you free
like whatever.
And so we, we made a plan andI'm gonna meet him for like one
drink early this evening.
And I am looking forward to it,but it almost didn't happen
because again, I'm starting toget a little bit more rigid in
(06:59):
my dating.
Like I have just stuff that I'mcompletely happy to do on my
own.
And I'm not just dying to go outon Saturday night.
Am I alone in this?
Is anyone else content baking intheir kitchen or binge watching,
you know, the flight attendant?
(07:20):
I don't think it's just me.
Tell me I'm not alone andslightly off topic, but I'm
gonna bring it back around.
I've talked a lot aboutsubmariners.
Like the people that you go outwith that tend to just like
circle back over and over again.
like you get the textoutta nowhere.
Hey, what's up?
Hey, happy Thanksgiving.
Hey, I'm in town.
You wanna go out?
(07:40):
You know, that, that person, um,we all have those people and I
welcome them.
Quite frankly.
I've made some really greatconnections with men who live in
different states and I'm happyto hear from'em.
Well, it happened this morning,got a text from Nashville, Nick,
who I talked about a coupledifferent times in season one,
maybe on a bonus episode two, heis in town.
(08:01):
And by God, I'm gonna see himtonight as well.
So early date with the new guy,late date or friendly get
together with Nashville, Nick,but worth mentioning Nashville.
Nick.
He is one of the first guys thatI met on Bumble, uh, during,
well, probably during myseparation or right after I got
(08:23):
divorced.
And he told me like, right outtathe gates that he was never
going to get married.
And I was kind of turned off byit.
Like, how do you know, like, howdo you know that?
Like I still don't know.
I'm like three years out fromlike being on my own and
(08:47):
actually a guy that I just meton an app that I was FaceTiming
with last night, he's never beenmarried.
And he asked me the samequestion.
Would you ever get marriedagain?
And I, it took me a minute toanswer.
That's what this is all about.
Single Afaf.
I don't know, like I don't haveit all figured out yet.
(09:08):
I have said it time and timeagain.
I have this big open heart.
I want to be open to love.
I, I love the idea of having anawesome partner in life, but I,
I just, I haven't met him yet.
And I, I think until I meetsomeone that just absolutely
(09:31):
knocks my socks off like that.
I won't know.
So my answer to the guy lastnight was, I mean, I think I
hope so.
I hope to fall for someone oneday.
I hope that I'm able to let myguard down and fall in love and
trust someone with my heart to,you know, share my life with
(09:58):
grow old with and, and be in areally healthy, committed
relationship or marriage with.
Yeah, I hope so.
I hope so.
So just to talk about thesubject in general, I've done
like the brighter side of beingsingle as a podcast episode,
I've rattled off lots of thingsthat I love about living alone
(10:18):
and you guys, it's all true.
It still is the case.
I love my autonomy and myfreedom, and I love the
excitement of not knowing whatthe rest of my life looks like
in general, but then life doesthrow those curve balls, those
unexpected turn of events thatcan cause a change of heart.
(10:41):
Right.
I just talked about it in mylast episode.
Here I am, again, clearly myheart is still broken.
I just lost my dog.
I also went to two funerals forfamily members in the past few
months and events like that.
And experiencing loss is apretty quick wake up call.
(11:01):
I found myself telling some ofmy girlfriends.
Um, yeah, I think it would feelnice to have someone to hold me
while I cry.
I mean, that's me beingvulnerable, but that's the
truth.
I mean, I laid in bed like threenights in a row and sobbed over
(11:23):
my dog dying.
And would it have been nice tohave somebody to hold me and
console me and to cuddle withand to understand me?
Yes, yes.
That is, um, definitelysomething lacking in my life is
that kind of tender support thatI just don't have that
(11:46):
intimately.
I have wonderful support in myfriends and family.
Um, but I don't have that, youknow, really close,
compassionate, um, support thatyou would have like in a, in a
boyfriend girlfriend, you know,spouse, partner, whatever.
So I just, I feel for all of youwho have to go through hard
(12:06):
things in life, health scaresloss, grief, losses of a job,
you know, sometimes it's in theloss in life that we recognize
that maybe we are missingsomething, spending it alone.
Okay.
I'm going to transition to myBerry stories, stories from my
(12:29):
step.
I got some really great feedbackfrom, I've gotta have faith, a
podcast from episode one where Ishared some of, uh, Barry's
wisdom.
And so I'm going to share somemore.
And again, he sent some of, um,our conversations that we've
had.
He shared them in the form of anemail with me and I just wanna
(12:53):
do him justice and I don't wannaleave out anything important.
So it's easier for me to readwhat he has typed to me than to
try to retell the stories.
Because I, like I said, I justdon't wanna screw him up.
So, um, I'm gonna set this up.
I'm piecing it together, but I'mgonna set this up by first,
(13:13):
introducing you to a friend andmentor of Barry's.
I'm going to change his name foranonymity.
I'm gonna call him Muji.
And he is, has been an integralpart of Barry's life.
And you'll see why after youlearn more about him.
(13:35):
So here we go.
This is, um, the story of Majihe's from Iran.
His father made him come to theUnited States in the late 1970s.
He was around the age of 18 andhis timing couldn't have been
worse.
He was only here a short timewhen the Iranian hostage crisis
took place.
He and Barry, this is Barryemailing me.
(13:56):
So I'm just going to read it ashe typed it.
I know you are too young toremember that, but it was a big
deal.
Most people, including myself,knew nothing about Iran that
made things worse for Maje.
He unconditionally opposed thehostage situation, but most
people here didn't believe him.
Maje was a really good soccerplayer and was on an Iranian
(14:17):
team that played here inMissouri.
I remember him telling me thatjust before a game started, each
member of his team took a roseto the members of the other team
to show them that they did notsupport the taking of the
hostages.
The other team took the rosesand threw them on the ground and
stomped on them.
His struggles were juststarting.
(14:38):
He was notified by the Iraniangovernment to never return to
Iran.
He was told he would be shot atthe airport.
If he ever returned, it's beenover 40 years and he's never
been back.
Maje worked part-time atMcDonald's.
He made a really specialfriendship with one of their
employees that also endedterribly.
His friend committed suicide.
(14:59):
Maje was Muslim with all of thethings going wrong in his life.
His faith was suffering.
He decided he was not going toabandon his Muslim faith.
He was going to abandon anybelief in God, as he put it, he
had bottomed out and just didn'ttrust anyone as time passed.
One of the employees ofMcDonald's invited him to his
church.
(15:20):
Maji said he didn't believe inGod any longer.
And because of his Muslimbackground, he certainly had no
interest in a Christian Church,but responding.
Similarly to me, he said he washurting and what harm could it
do?
So he went, he now laughs aboutit.
He said he hated the service,but enjoyed the music.
Uh, I can relate to thatsometimes.
Um, even though he didn't intendto return, he was back the next
(15:42):
Sunday to shorten this story.
Maje is now a pastor at thatchurch.
He went from thinking Jesus wasat best, a nice guy to now
believing Jesus is truly God'sson.
Maje has a better message aboutChristianity than anyone I know
Maje and I became friends.
I truly can't think of anyone.
(16:03):
I have more respect for.
Barry goes on to say, I willtalk more about Maje later, but
now back to the purpose of thisdiscussion, as I was digging out
of my depression and dealingwith all the things that were
part of a breakup, I realized Ihad something much more
important to resolve than myquote unquote relationship
status.
I was raised in a small town andattended church.
(16:25):
Most of my life, I thought I waspretty clear on what I believed
and what I didn't believe.
What I learned in this men'sgroup was that I really didn't
have a clue what my beliefs werethat may have been overstating
the situation, but the truth wasanytime my faith was tested, I
failed.
I decided to take some time anddetermine what I really
believed.
I knew I had to sort throughthat before.
(16:47):
I could think about anotherrelationship.
I became a regular attendee atthe men's group, and it was one
of the best things that everhappened to me in the interest
of time.
Let's fast forward a few years,I was in a very similar place to
where you are now.
He's talking about me.
I was alone, dead, single that'sme, but maybe happier than I had
ever been Ah-huh my life wasreally good.
(17:10):
I was still going to the men'sgroup, but instead of going,
because I was depressed anddesperate, I was teaching a
class and helping people bysharing my experiences.
Wow.
Barry and I have some stuff incommon.
like you, I had been ina few relationships.
Most were short lived.
Mm-hmm ding, ding,but some seem to have potential
only to end unsuccessfully, butI dealt with these failed
(17:31):
relationships differentlybecause I hadn't allowed my
heart to be stolen.
That's one of the things Ilearned in the men's group.
And I know I've shared with youguard your heart guard.
Your heart was one.
Oh, I should do a podcast.
Episode guard your heart.
That was one of the very firstpieces of advice.
Advice.
Barry gave me, um, during myseparation.
Um, anyway, so let's go backabout 16 years, a few years
(17:54):
before I met your mother.
Barry is my stepdad.
After all, I was having aconversation with Maje, not a
counseling session, just aconversation.
As often happens with him.
It became a deep conversation.
He wanted to know if I was seenanyone.
I told him I wasn't and didn'tknow if I ever would.
He was trying to show concern byasking, but he made it sound
(18:15):
like he felt sorry for me.
I said, Maje, I'm doing great.
I'm just not sure I'm supposedto be in a relationship.
Let alone get married again.
But I'm good with that.
To my surprise.
He pushed back a little bit.
Had it been anyone else?
I probably would've ended theconversation and moved on, but I
had so much respect for Majethat I just couldn't do that.
He said, I don't believe Godwants you to be alone.
(18:39):
Now I'm starting to push back.
I said, come on Maje.
I'm familiar with that teaching.
I'm not alone.
I have great friends.
I'm not lonely.
who does that soundlike?
Um, to me, what God is saying isdon't live in isolation, but I'm
certainly not doing that.
Now understand this friendlybanter between Mia Maje was
common.
So it didn't bother him to smileat me and shake his head in
(19:02):
disagreement.
So the conversation went to adeeper level.
I was sharing my heart.
Now I told him one of the firstthings I learned in the men's
group was how important marriagewas to God.
If you would've asked meearlier, what I thought I
would've said, sure.
Marriage is important to God,but this is one thing I had to
revisit.
It became clear that I had madea mockery of marriage.
(19:22):
When I looked at my past andtried to acknowledge the
importance of marriage to God, Ihad to admit I was a dismal
failure.
This happened a few months afterI started going to the men's
group.
I told Maje how bad I felt aboutit.
But I also told him that I hadprayed about it and asked God to
forgive me.
I said, I totally believe he hasforgiven me and has blessed me
beyond anything I will everdeserve.
(19:44):
But I said, I think God justwants me to be single.
And I'm okay with that becauseI'm happier than I've ever been.
To be totally honest.
I was pretty proud of what Itold Maje.
It was only through faith andgrowth that I could make a
statement like that and betotally secure with my feelings.
And then he did it again.
He smiled and shook his head indisagreement.
(20:07):
The things miss Maji said, nextchanged my life.
These are the reasons.
Well, that's why he's tellingthis story to me essentially.
Okay.
Mae's reply was really simple.
He said, that's a great story,but God doesn't work like that.
Now I was pushing back prettyhard.
I said, God is certainly notpunishing me quite the opposite.
(20:29):
I'm very blessed.
I think because of all my pastmistakes, he just wants me to be
single.
The church I was attending was apretty big church.
There were two services everySunday morning and it was always
very crowded.
Maje said, Barry, let's imagineit's Sunday morning between
services.
People are everywhere andthey're moving quickly.
Now imagine there's a youngfather with a child that is just
(20:52):
learning to walk.
The child is holding onto his,his dad's finger.
And suddenly let's go of it.
He falls down and, and is nowseveral feet from his dad.
He gets up and starts walkingtoward him, but runs into
someone and falls down.
He gets up again and again, butcontinues to run into obstacles
and falls down.
Maje asked, what is his daddoing?
(21:15):
Is his dad yelling at him andsaying, come on, idiot.
Just do it right.
Did he say, just stay on thefloor if you can't do it right?
No, Barry, that's not what hewould do.
He would stand there with hisarms open, full of love and say,
come on, buddy, try it again.
You can do it.
(21:35):
He said, Barry, that's what Godis saying to you.
He isn't saying you've screwedup too many times.
So just forget about it.
He's standing there with hisarms open saying he still
believes in you in the letter tome, Barry went on to explain
that he and Maje and some of theguys from the men's group wanted
to do a study.
(21:57):
If you will.
And they wanted to call it, whatwould Jesus do?
You know, like those plasticbracelets that everybody used to
wear, maybe they still do withthe WWJD.
So the premise would be to putJesus in like real world
situations of today and uh, youknow, morality, conflicts,
(22:19):
things like that.
And, um, discuss, talk throughuse proof sources.
If you will, of like what, whatthey would think Jesus would do
in those situations.
So using himself, as an example,Barry said, come on, Maje, let's
play.
What would Jesus do?
(22:39):
Let's say Jesus was divorcedtwice.
He was also in a nine yearrelationship that failed.
There were other short termrelationships, all ending the
same way.
And those are berriesexperiences.
FYI, the common denominator toall the failures was Jesus.
So tell me Maje, what wouldJesus do?
Maje just sat there in totalsilence for a few minutes.
(23:01):
Then he said, I have the answer.
Are you sure you want to hearit?
Even though I was convinced Iwas doing the right thing, I
wanted to hear what he wasthinking.
So sure.
Tell me what would Jesus do?
He said he would do severalthings.
And as it turns out, they areall critically important.
The first thing he would do isask God to forgive him for the
(23:22):
mistakes he's made.
The second thing he would do isaccept his forgiveness.
The next thing he would do isask God how he could serve him
best alone or with a spouse.
He would wait for the answer.
It's really important to see theshift in priorities here.
Jesus, isn't saying I'll serveyou.
If you do something for me, he'sacknowledging that he has a
(23:46):
purpose.
We all do.
One of the most importantlessons I learned during my time
with the men's group came fromthe book, purpose driven life.
That book impacted me in manyways, but one line just floored
me.
It was something that I had beenseeing backwards all my life.
The line was quote, God doesn'texist for my purpose.
(24:08):
I exist for his fulfilling.
Your purpose is more importantthan a spouse.
So he's not making excuses.
He's asking how he can do itbetter.
This is really important ratherthan focus on a spouse, focus on
your purpose and don't getcaught up in thinking that
you're supposed to save theworld.
Maybe your purpose is takingcare of a parent or a friend.
(24:29):
Maybe it's being a nurse or ateacher.
The list is endless and it canall be vitally important.
The question he's asking God iscan he do it better alone or
with a spouse?
As Maje said, in almost everycase it's with a spouse.
If the answer is to be alone, hewould accept that and move on
knowing he's doing what Godwants.
(24:49):
If his answer is to have aspouse, he would trust that God
will provide for him, but hewould continue to serve God
alone.
Until that happened.
When Maje finished, it was myturn to be silent for a few
minutes.
That discussion changed my life.
I realized I wasn't condemned tobeing alone.
I knew I was blessed, but I wasstill allowing guilt to
(25:12):
influence how I felt and how Ilived.
Barry says, I want the listenersof your podcast to know they are
not condemned because of pastmistakes.
I know they don't all share abelief in God, but I'm hoping
Mae's story might convince andinspire them to put their faith
as a higher priority.
(25:32):
I want them to be brave anddetermine what they really
believe.
My hope is.
They will discover.
There really is a God.
And he is standing there withhis arms open saying, come on,
try it again.
I don't condemn you.
I love you.
And I hope they seek out theirpurpose and unapologetically
pursue it with all of thepassion they can find.
(25:55):
I think it's a really beautifulstory that Barry shared.
And I love his story.
As you can tell, just bylistening to it, Barry's a deep
thinker.
Hmm.
That's why we get along so well.
I love having these types ofconversations with him.
And even if your beliefs don'talign with what you just
listened to, I'm gonna guess itstill makes you think a little
(26:16):
bit.
And hopefully you can come tosome own conclusions of what you
know, your purpose is and whatyour beliefs are and where you
stand.
If it aligns with what Barrysaid or is the total opposite,
whatever your truth is, discoverit.
You know, it's funny.
I get asked really often,especially by strangers like on
(26:38):
Instagram or in response to mypodcast, they take everything at
face value that says man,shopping on it and they ask me,
well, what's gonna happen if youfind a man, like, is all this
over?
And my response is always thesame.
Uh, no,, I really dothink that my purpose right now
(27:01):
is to be doing exactly what I'mdoing, sharing my thoughts,
sharing my experiences to berelatable, to help other people
just like me.
And it's not because I haveanswers or know more than you do
quite the opposite.
It's just the fact that I'mwilling to be vulnerable and
share with you my struggles, myinsecurities, my big life
(27:24):
questions and talking into thismicrophone helps me to sort out
my own thoughts.
And I think it helps you guystoo.
So even if we don't all come tothe same conclusions or agree
exactly on, especially like thefaith stuff or whatever, that's
okay.
My purpose is simply selfdiscovery, growth, healing,
(27:48):
getting better, figuring it out.
Right.
And I think the purpose of allof us being on earth is to
connect with one another.
Um, so that's what I'm trying todo.
So I think it, I think it'sfunny, the the title of
this podcast episode.
(28:09):
I I've labeled single AAF and Ispent a good deal of it telling
this Christian God based story,but Hey, you know what, that's
pretty congruent with me and mylife.
Um, keeping it real over here,guys.
Um, I'm a Christian, I havemany, many beliefs that totally
align with berries.
(28:31):
Um, and I'm still kind of alittle iffy on this one.
I, I don't know if I alone amgoing to serve my purpose, um,
in God's eyes and in the grandscheme of life, or if a partner
is required or would enhancethat.
(28:52):
I tend to think, um, if I choosewisely, a partner will enhance
my life's experience and mylife's work.
I'd love to hear how some of youguys feel.
So hit me up.
Will you let me know?
Thank you guys so much forlistening to season two, episode
four, single a F it's been funand please do consider sharing a
(29:19):
link to the podcast.
Um, and a text message.
Make a post on social media,spread the word, trying to grow
a, a big community of happysingle people over here.
And I need your help to do thatup next season two, episode five
is a conversation with agirlfriend of mine.
We are going to be discussingage difference in dating and
(29:42):
relationships.
We have opposite experiences andif you've listened to anything
I've talked about, you'll knowI'm the ages.
I do not date people muchoutside of my own age of now 44.
And she, well, she takes adifferent approach.
Welcome to man shopping with Stacy, where I
share my real transparent datingand life experiences for your
amusement and inspiration.
I'm your host, Stacy weer, andyou are listening to season two,
episode four, single a F ifyou've made it to the point in
your singles or divorce journeythat you are really happy being
(00:25):
alone.
Like I am, maybe you toostruggle with some of the same
stuff I do.
I just don't know if it's moreappealing of an idea to navigate
life alone or to share my bigheart and life with someone
else.
I'm pretty guarded.
(00:46):
I'm getting incrediblyparticular about who I spend my
time with.
And I just don't know that Iwill find anyone to fit like a
perfect little puzzle piece intomy heart and my little life that
I've created with Laney.
In this episode, I'm gonna sharewith you some examples of the
(01:09):
struggles that I've been dealingwith, and I hope that some of
you find them relatable, justgonna bat some stuff around, let
you guys into my head and myheart.
Maybe I'll come up with someanswers to my own questions.
As I sometimes do while I sayall of this out loud verbalizing
, um, my feelings really doestend to help, uh, even if
there's no therapist sittingnext to me.
(01:31):
And then lastly, I'm gonna sumup with a really heartfelt story
from my stepdad, Barry, on hisopinion and thoughts on
navigating life alone versusnavigating life, uh, with a
partner or in marriage.
(01:52):
So here we go.
I don't think that it's just methat tends to kind of, uh,
hibernate in the wintertime.
You guys.
I had such a freaking busy,crazy social life last spring
and summer.
Um, launching this podcast,going out all the time with
(02:14):
friends, with dates, withdivorced over 40.
I just absolutely burnt myselfout on social activities.
And so this winter, I prettymuch just hold up in my house,
uh, stuck to Laney my family, mydog, and, um, didn't really get
out much with that being said, Idid have one little romantic
(02:40):
interlude.
I hopped on Bumble for a hotminute while I was on a quick
trip to DC, met a fantastic guywho I call Clark Kent
I consider him to be prettyspecial and we sparked a little
bit of a romance that we kept upthrough FaceTime essentially
(03:02):
over the course of a few months,um, only had one real date sadly
in person.
Um, but aside from that, whichI'll have to talk about another
time I was alone guys alone,alone, alone, all winter.
It's been months now withoutmuch dating activity, flirting,
(03:24):
no apps.
I've just recently gotten backon apps, which I can't wait to
talk about on another episode,but you guys it's been dull.
It's been boring.
It's been cozy, cooped up timeto myself and Hey, guess what I
don't, when I say boring, Idon't mean it in a, in a bad
(03:45):
way.
Um, I've quite enjoyed myslumber, my winter, you know,
hibernation I really have, and Idon't think it's just me.
I feel like a lot of my friendshave kind of been in the same
boat.
They've just kind of cooped upand, um, spent some time alone.
And I think it's really healthy.
(04:06):
I actually recently met abachelor he's 40, never been
married and, and kind of toldhim some of my story told him
that I've, you know, kind ofdated, um, a lot right outta the
gates during my separation.
And first year, um, single aftermy second divorce and then took
equal or more time just tomyself without dating at all.
(04:30):
And, uh, wasn't a turn off tohim.
I don't think he encouraged thatand said that he too has enjoyed
being alone.
Right.
In fact, as I just mentioned,then I am back on some apps
right now.
Um, I
Why is this relevant to anepisode titled single AAF?
(04:53):
Well, because I almost canceledon the guy because
talked to him on Monday.
Today is Saturday.
We talked on Monday.
We landed on Saturday for adate.
Completely ambiguous, no planwhatsoever.
Okay, cool.
Well, I didn't hear from him atall after Monday.
So this morning I'm chattingwith a couple of my girlfriends
(05:15):
and I'm like, I don't even knowif I wanna go out with this guy.
Like, I haven't heard a thingfrom him since Monday.
We don't have a plan and I gotto do.
Like I gotta make
prom.
I can stick them in the freezer.
Like it's gonna rain later.
I might just want to watch theflight attendant that just came
(05:35):
back out on HBO, max.
Like I am completely contentdoing all of those things and
missing out on this date becausequite frankly, I felt like if he
was excited about this date,that he would've probably given
me a plan.
Like, Hey, I'd love to take youhere.
Let's meet up at this place,whatever, nothing.
(05:56):
And so I set, um, a deadlinethat he did not know about of
noon today.
Like if I didn't hear from himby noon, there was no way I was
gonna go out with him.
What happened?
He texted me at 11:30 AM and hesaid, Hey, like, are we still on
I was like, it.
(06:17):
Now, what do I do?
Like, that's cutting it off aclose buddy, you know?
But because I haven't gone outon any dates in a long time,
because I am interested ingetting to know him.
And he is a local Kansas guy.
I messaged him and I said, okay,here's the deal.
(06:37):
I, I can meet early, like, youknow, four to seven, you free
like whatever.
And so we, we made a plan andI'm gonna meet him for like one
drink early this evening.
And I am looking forward to it,but it almost didn't happen
because again, I'm starting toget a little bit more rigid in
(06:59):
my dating.
Like I have just stuff that I'mcompletely happy to do on my
own.
And I'm not just dying to go outon Saturday night.
Am I alone in this?
Is anyone else content baking intheir kitchen or binge watching,
you know, the flight attendant?
(07:20):
I don't think it's just me.
Tell me I'm not alone andslightly off topic, but I'm
gonna bring it back around.
I've talked a lot aboutsubmariners.
Like the people that you go outwith that tend to just like
circle back over and over again.
Hey, what's up?
Hey, happy Thanksgiving.
Hey, I'm in town.
You wanna go out?
(07:40):
You know, that, that person, um,we all have those people and I
welcome them.
Quite frankly.
I've made some really greatconnections with men who live in
different states and I'm happyto hear from'em.
Well, it happened this morning,got a text from Nashville, Nick,
who I talked about a coupledifferent times in season one,
maybe on a bonus episode two, heis in town.
(08:01):
And by God, I'm gonna see himtonight as well.
So early date with the new guy,late date or friendly get
together with Nashville, Nick,but worth mentioning Nashville.
Nick.
He is one of the first guys thatI met on Bumble, uh, during,
well, probably during myseparation or right after I got
(08:23):
divorced.
And he told me like, right outtathe gates that he was never
going to get married.
And I was kind of turned off byit.
Like, how do you know, like, howdo you know that?
Like I still don't know.
I'm like three years out fromlike being on my own and
(08:47):
actually a guy that I just meton an app that I was FaceTiming
with last night, he's never beenmarried.
And he asked me the samequestion.
Would you ever get marriedagain?
And I, it took me a minute toanswer.
That's what this is all about.
Single Afaf.
I don't know, like I don't haveit all figured out yet.
(09:08):
I have said it time and timeagain.
I have this big open heart.
I want to be open to love.
I, I love the idea of having anawesome partner in life, but I,
I just, I haven't met him yet.
And I, I think until I meetsomeone that just absolutely
(09:31):
knocks my socks off like that.
I won't know.
So my answer to the guy lastnight was, I mean, I think I
hope so.
I hope to fall for someone oneday.
I hope that I'm able to let myguard down and fall in love and
trust someone with my heart to,you know, share my life with
(09:58):
grow old with and, and be in areally healthy, committed
relationship or marriage with.
Yeah, I hope so.
I hope so.
So just to talk about thesubject in general, I've done
like the brighter side of beingsingle as a podcast episode,
I've rattled off lots of thingsthat I love about living alone
(10:18):
and you guys, it's all true.
It still is the case.
I love my autonomy and myfreedom, and I love the
excitement of not knowing whatthe rest of my life looks like
in general, but then life doesthrow those curve balls, those
unexpected turn of events thatcan cause a change of heart.
(10:41):
Right.
I just talked about it in mylast episode.
Here I am, again, clearly myheart is still broken.
I just lost my dog.
I also went to two funerals forfamily members in the past few
months and events like that.
And experiencing loss is apretty quick wake up call.
(11:01):
I found myself telling some ofmy girlfriends.
Um, yeah, I think it would feelnice to have someone to hold me
while I cry.
I mean, that's me beingvulnerable, but that's the
truth.
I mean, I laid in bed like threenights in a row and sobbed over
(11:23):
my dog dying.
And would it have been nice tohave somebody to hold me and
console me and to cuddle withand to understand me?
Yes, yes.
That is, um, definitelysomething lacking in my life is
that kind of tender support thatI just don't have that
(11:46):
intimately.
I have wonderful support in myfriends and family.
Um, but I don't have that, youknow, really close,
compassionate, um, support thatyou would have like in a, in a
boyfriend girlfriend, you know,spouse, partner, whatever.
So I just, I feel for all of youwho have to go through hard
(12:06):
things in life, health scaresloss, grief, losses of a job,
you know, sometimes it's in theloss in life that we recognize
that maybe we are missingsomething, spending it alone.
Okay.
I'm going to transition to myBerry stories, stories from my
(12:29):
step.
I got some really great feedbackfrom, I've gotta have faith, a
podcast from episode one where Ishared some of, uh, Barry's
wisdom.
And so I'm going to share somemore.
And again, he sent some of, um,our conversations that we've
had.
He shared them in the form of anemail with me and I just wanna
(12:53):
do him justice and I don't wannaleave out anything important.
So it's easier for me to readwhat he has typed to me than to
try to retell the stories.
Because I, like I said, I justdon't wanna screw him up.
So, um, I'm gonna set this up.
I'm piecing it together, but I'mgonna set this up by first,
(13:13):
introducing you to a friend andmentor of Barry's.
I'm going to change his name foranonymity.
I'm gonna call him Muji.
And he is, has been an integralpart of Barry's life.
And you'll see why after youlearn more about him.
(13:35):
So here we go.
This is, um, the story of Majihe's from Iran.
His father made him come to theUnited States in the late 1970s.
He was around the age of 18 andhis timing couldn't have been
worse.
He was only here a short timewhen the Iranian hostage crisis
took place.
He and Barry, this is Barryemailing me.
(13:56):
So I'm just going to read it ashe typed it.
I know you are too young toremember that, but it was a big
deal.
Most people, including myself,knew nothing about Iran that
made things worse for Maje.
He unconditionally opposed thehostage situation, but most
people here didn't believe him.
Maje was a really good soccerplayer and was on an Iranian
(14:17):
team that played here inMissouri.
I remember him telling me thatjust before a game started, each
member of his team took a roseto the members of the other team
to show them that they did notsupport the taking of the
hostages.
The other team took the rosesand threw them on the ground and
stomped on them.
His struggles were juststarting.
(14:38):
He was notified by the Iraniangovernment to never return to
Iran.
He was told he would be shot atthe airport.
If he ever returned, it's beenover 40 years and he's never
been back.
Maje worked part-time atMcDonald's.
He made a really specialfriendship with one of their
employees that also endedterribly.
His friend committed suicide.
(14:59):
Maje was Muslim with all of thethings going wrong in his life.
His faith was suffering.
He decided he was not going toabandon his Muslim faith.
He was going to abandon anybelief in God, as he put it, he
had bottomed out and just didn'ttrust anyone as time passed.
One of the employees ofMcDonald's invited him to his
church.
(15:20):
Maji said he didn't believe inGod any longer.
And because of his Muslimbackground, he certainly had no
interest in a Christian Church,but responding.
Similarly to me, he said he washurting and what harm could it
do?
So he went, he now laughs aboutit.
He said he hated the service,but enjoyed the music.
Uh, I can relate to thatsometimes.
Um, even though he didn't intendto return, he was back the next
(15:42):
Sunday to shorten this story.
Maje is now a pastor at thatchurch.
He went from thinking Jesus wasat best, a nice guy to now
believing Jesus is truly God'sson.
Maje has a better message aboutChristianity than anyone I know
Maje and I became friends.
I truly can't think of anyone.
(16:03):
I have more respect for.
Barry goes on to say, I willtalk more about Maje later, but
now back to the purpose of thisdiscussion, as I was digging out
of my depression and dealingwith all the things that were
part of a breakup, I realized Ihad something much more
important to resolve than myquote unquote relationship
status.
I was raised in a small town andattended church.
(16:25):
Most of my life, I thought I waspretty clear on what I believed
and what I didn't believe.
What I learned in this men'sgroup was that I really didn't
have a clue what my beliefs werethat may have been overstating
the situation, but the truth wasanytime my faith was tested, I
failed.
I decided to take some time anddetermine what I really
believed.
I knew I had to sort throughthat before.
(16:47):
I could think about anotherrelationship.
I became a regular attendee atthe men's group, and it was one
of the best things that everhappened to me in the interest
of time.
Let's fast forward a few years,I was in a very similar place to
where you are now.
He's talking about me.
I was alone, dead, single that'sme, but maybe happier than I had
ever been Ah-huh my life wasreally good.
(17:10):
I was still going to the men'sgroup, but instead of going,
because I was depressed anddesperate, I was teaching a
class and helping people bysharing my experiences.
Wow.
Barry and I have some stuff incommon.
Most were short lived.
Mm-hmm
only to end unsuccessfully, butI dealt with these failed
(17:31):
relationships differentlybecause I hadn't allowed my
heart to be stolen.
That's one of the things Ilearned in the men's group.
And I know I've shared with youguard your heart guard.
Your heart was one.
Oh, I should do a podcast.
Episode guard your heart.
That was one of the very firstpieces of advice.
Advice.
Barry gave me, um, during myseparation.
Um, anyway, so let's go backabout 16 years, a few years
(17:54):
before I met your mother.
Barry is my stepdad.
After all, I was having aconversation with Maje, not a
counseling session, just aconversation.
As often happens with him.
It became a deep conversation.
He wanted to know if I was seenanyone.
I told him I wasn't and didn'tknow if I ever would.
He was trying to show concern byasking, but he made it sound
(18:15):
like he felt sorry for me.
I said, Maje, I'm doing great.
I'm just not sure I'm supposedto be in a relationship.
Let alone get married again.
But I'm good with that.
To my surprise.
He pushed back a little bit.
Had it been anyone else?
I probably would've ended theconversation and moved on, but I
had so much respect for Majethat I just couldn't do that.
He said, I don't believe Godwants you to be alone.
(18:39):
Now I'm starting to push back.
I said, come on Maje.
I'm familiar with that teaching.
I'm not alone.
I have great friends.
I'm not lonely.
Um, to me, what God is saying isdon't live in isolation, but I'm
certainly not doing that.
Now understand this friendlybanter between Mia Maje was
common.
So it didn't bother him to smileat me and shake his head in
(19:02):
disagreement.
So the conversation went to adeeper level.
I was sharing my heart.
Now I told him one of the firstthings I learned in the men's
group was how important marriagewas to God.
If you would've asked meearlier, what I thought I
would've said, sure.
Marriage is important to God,but this is one thing I had to
revisit.
It became clear that I had madea mockery of marriage.
(19:22):
When I looked at my past andtried to acknowledge the
importance of marriage to God, Ihad to admit I was a dismal
failure.
This happened a few months afterI started going to the men's
group.
I told Maje how bad I felt aboutit.
But I also told him that I hadprayed about it and asked God to
forgive me.
I said, I totally believe he hasforgiven me and has blessed me
beyond anything I will everdeserve.
(19:44):
But I said, I think God justwants me to be single.
And I'm okay with that becauseI'm happier than I've ever been.
To be totally honest.
I was pretty proud of what Itold Maje.
It was only through faith andgrowth that I could make a
statement like that and betotally secure with my feelings.
And then he did it again.
He smiled and shook his head indisagreement.
(20:07):
The things miss Maji said, nextchanged my life.
These are the reasons.
Well, that's why he's tellingthis story to me essentially.
Okay.
Mae's reply was really simple.
He said, that's a great story,but God doesn't work like that.
Now I was pushing back prettyhard.
I said, God is certainly notpunishing me quite the opposite.
(20:29):
I'm very blessed.
I think because of all my pastmistakes, he just wants me to be
single.
The church I was attending was apretty big church.
There were two services everySunday morning and it was always
very crowded.
Maje said, Barry, let's imagineit's Sunday morning between
services.
People are everywhere andthey're moving quickly.
Now imagine there's a youngfather with a child that is just
(20:52):
learning to walk.
The child is holding onto his,his dad's finger.
And suddenly let's go of it.
He falls down and, and is nowseveral feet from his dad.
He gets up and starts walkingtoward him, but runs into
someone and falls down.
He gets up again and again, butcontinues to run into obstacles
and falls down.
Maje asked, what is his daddoing?
(21:15):
Is his dad yelling at him andsaying, come on, idiot.
Just do it right.
Did he say, just stay on thefloor if you can't do it right?
No, Barry, that's not what hewould do.
He would stand there with hisarms open, full of love and say,
come on, buddy, try it again.
You can do it.
(21:35):
He said, Barry, that's what Godis saying to you.
He isn't saying you've screwedup too many times.
So just forget about it.
He's standing there with hisarms open saying he still
believes in you in the letter tome, Barry went on to explain
that he and Maje and some of theguys from the men's group wanted
to do a study.
(21:57):
If you will.
And they wanted to call it, whatwould Jesus do?
You know, like those plasticbracelets that everybody used to
wear, maybe they still do withthe WWJD.
So the premise would be to putJesus in like real world
situations of today and uh, youknow, morality, conflicts,
(22:19):
things like that.
And, um, discuss, talk throughuse proof sources.
If you will, of like what, whatthey would think Jesus would do
in those situations.
So using himself, as an example,Barry said, come on, Maje, let's
play.
What would Jesus do?
(22:39):
Let's say Jesus was divorcedtwice.
He was also in a nine yearrelationship that failed.
There were other short termrelationships, all ending the
same way.
And those are berriesexperiences.
FYI, the common denominator toall the failures was Jesus.
So tell me Maje, what wouldJesus do?
Maje just sat there in totalsilence for a few minutes.
(23:01):
Then he said, I have the answer.
Are you sure you want to hearit?
Even though I was convinced Iwas doing the right thing, I
wanted to hear what he wasthinking.
So sure.
Tell me what would Jesus do?
He said he would do severalthings.
And as it turns out, they areall critically important.
The first thing he would do isask God to forgive him for the
(23:22):
mistakes he's made.
The second thing he would do isaccept his forgiveness.
The next thing he would do isask God how he could serve him
best alone or with a spouse.
He would wait for the answer.
It's really important to see theshift in priorities here.
Jesus, isn't saying I'll serveyou.
If you do something for me, he'sacknowledging that he has a
(23:46):
purpose.
We all do.
One of the most importantlessons I learned during my time
with the men's group came fromthe book, purpose driven life.
That book impacted me in manyways, but one line just floored
me.
It was something that I had beenseeing backwards all my life.
The line was quote, God doesn'texist for my purpose.
(24:08):
I exist for his fulfilling.
Your purpose is more importantthan a spouse.
So he's not making excuses.
He's asking how he can do itbetter.
This is really important ratherthan focus on a spouse, focus on
your purpose and don't getcaught up in thinking that
you're supposed to save theworld.
Maybe your purpose is takingcare of a parent or a friend.
(24:29):
Maybe it's being a nurse or ateacher.
The list is endless and it canall be vitally important.
The question he's asking God iscan he do it better alone or
with a spouse?
As Maje said, in almost everycase it's with a spouse.
If the answer is to be alone, hewould accept that and move on
knowing he's doing what Godwants.
(24:49):
If his answer is to have aspouse, he would trust that God
will provide for him, but hewould continue to serve God
alone.
Until that happened.
When Maje finished, it was myturn to be silent for a few
minutes.
That discussion changed my life.
I realized I wasn't condemned tobeing alone.
I knew I was blessed, but I wasstill allowing guilt to
(25:12):
influence how I felt and how Ilived.
Barry says, I want the listenersof your podcast to know they are
not condemned because of pastmistakes.
I know they don't all share abelief in God, but I'm hoping
Mae's story might convince andinspire them to put their faith
as a higher priority.
(25:32):
I want them to be brave anddetermine what they really
believe.
My hope is.
They will discover.
There really is a God.
And he is standing there withhis arms open saying, come on,
try it again.
I don't condemn you.
I love you.
And I hope they seek out theirpurpose and unapologetically
pursue it with all of thepassion they can find.
(25:55):
I think it's a really beautifulstory that Barry shared.
And I love his story.
As you can tell, just bylistening to it, Barry's a deep
thinker.
Hmm.
That's why we get along so well.
I love having these types ofconversations with him.
And even if your beliefs don'talign with what you just
listened to, I'm gonna guess itstill makes you think a little
(26:16):
bit.
And hopefully you can come tosome own conclusions of what you
know, your purpose is and whatyour beliefs are and where you
stand.
If it aligns with what Barrysaid or is the total opposite,
whatever your truth is, discoverit.
You know, it's funny.
I get asked really often,especially by strangers like on
(26:38):
Instagram or in response to mypodcast, they take everything at
face value that says man,shopping on it and they ask me,
well, what's gonna happen if youfind a man, like, is all this
over?
And my response is always thesame.
Uh, no,
(27:01):
is to be doing exactly what I'mdoing, sharing my thoughts,
sharing my experiences to berelatable, to help other people
just like me.
And it's not because I haveanswers or know more than you do
quite the opposite.
It's just the fact that I'mwilling to be vulnerable and
share with you my struggles, myinsecurities, my big life
(27:24):
questions and talking into thismicrophone helps me to sort out
my own thoughts.
And I think it helps you guystoo.
So even if we don't all come tothe same conclusions or agree
exactly on, especially like thefaith stuff or whatever, that's
okay.
My purpose is simply selfdiscovery, growth, healing,
(27:48):
getting better, figuring it out.
Right.
And I think the purpose of allof us being on earth is to
connect with one another.
Um, so that's what I'm trying todo.
So I think it, I think it'sfunny, the
this podcast episode.
(28:09):
I I've labeled single AAF and Ispent a good deal of it telling
this Christian God based story,but Hey, you know what, that's
pretty congruent with me and mylife.
Um, keeping it real over here,guys.
Um, I'm a Christian, I havemany, many beliefs that totally
align with berries.
(28:31):
Um, and I'm still kind of alittle iffy on this one.
I, I don't know if I alone amgoing to serve my purpose, um,
in God's eyes and in the grandscheme of life, or if a partner
is required or would enhancethat.
(28:52):
I tend to think, um, if I choosewisely, a partner will enhance
my life's experience and mylife's work.
I'd love to hear how some of youguys feel.
So hit me up.
Will you let me know?
Thank you guys so much forlistening to season two, episode
four, single a F it's been funand please do consider sharing a
(29:19):
link to the podcast.
Um, and a text message.
Make a post on social media,spread the word, trying to grow
a, a big community of happysingle people over here.
And I need your help to do thatup next season two, episode five
is a conversation with agirlfriend of mine.
We are going to be discussingage difference in dating and
(29:42):
relationships.
We have opposite experiences andif you've listened to anything
I've talked about, you'll knowI'm the ages.
I do not date people muchoutside of my own age of now 44.
And she, well, she takes adifferent approach.
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