July 29, 2022 • 28 mins
In this episode, I share my thoughts on the Hot Crazy Matrix. I talk about how appearance, mental stability and emotional availability affect our search for a compatible partner.
To begin, I think the terms hot, crazy, and emotionally unavailable are incredibly subjective. My idea of a HOT man, vastly differs from friend's opinions. I share a recent example.
For the most part, I believe that what is "hot" to you, may not be "hot" to me. BUT, I also think there are some universally undeniably hot people out there who we can all agree on.
To begin, I think it's wise for all of us to take an honest inventory of ourselves, physically. To drive home the point, I critique my own appearance.
I think some people have a skewed version of their own attractiveness and it leads them to disappointment and an altered sense of reality regarding who they can attract based on physical traits alone. So, I suggest we should all consider how hot, crazy, and emotionally unavailable are WE before we cast judgement on others.
Recently, I went on a date with a guy who shared with me that when he comes across a really beautiful woman on a dating app, the first question that comes to his mind is... (Fill in the _) What is WRONG with her?
I think this is a storyline society creates. If you're gorgeous and alone, you must be crazy.
From a female perspective, I think pretty boys are hard to find. When we're young, there are attractive people everywhere but as we age, I think it's MUCH harder to find someone we're attracted to. Speaking for myself, I am discerning and have had a hard time finding someone I have chemistry with at this point in my life. I make the point that our married friends have grown old with the loves of their lives. They fell for each other when they were young and hot and it still works because they've formed a loving bond so they're still into each other. Us singles out here are trying to be attracted to this older version of ourselves and it can be challenging.
Have you ever tried to date someone who you don't consider to be that "hot" ? You try to convince yourself that because they're a good person the feelings will grow and you can make it work? I have. It's my opinion that there are physical, hormonal, chemical things that need to be present in order for sparks to fly. I just don't think you can make this shit up!
Next, I share a CRAZY story a guy once shared with me. He was so taken with her beauty that he wanted to show her off to her friends. In my opinion, big mistake.
The female version of the hot/emotionally unavailable matrix is laughable and definitely has some truth to it. At times, I've been guilty of being attracted to men who aren't available because I have been guarded and not ready for a relationship.
Rich, successful, men with high social status will always attract some women who are seeking security, wealth, a free ride, whatever. What's worse, a guy dating a crazy hot chick or a woman dating an old rich guy?!
Lastly, I share some of Darwin's theories on "Mate Value".
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to man shopping with Stacy, where I
share my real transparent datingand life experiences for your
amusement and inspiration.
I'm your host, Stacey weer, andyou are listening to episode 51.
My take on the hot, crazymatrix, quick public service
(00:23):
announcement.
If you do not know what the hotcrazy matrix is, please go to
YouTube and search for it.
Spare yourself a couple ofminutes so that you can follow
what I'm talking about on thispodcast episode.
And Hey, while you're at it,look up the female version of
(00:43):
this, which is the hot emotionalunavailability matrix, as well
as I will be referencing both inthis episode.
I'm just gonna give you myopinion on both of these matrix
and what they mean to me.
I'm also going to share with yousome discussions that I've had
with both men and women in mylife, friends of mine, as well
(01:05):
as guys I've gone on dates withthat I've talked to about this.
Um, yeah.
And, uh, lastly, I'm gonna sharewith you some real world
experiences that I havewitnessed, uh, regarding these
matrix and, uh, scientificexplanations that I have read
about on this subject.
(01:26):
So let's just do this Ihave to admit, I rarely drink
and podcast like very rarely.
Usually I'm sipping on waterbecause I'm talking so much, I'm
like foaming at the mouth.
And when my friends haverecorded with me, I'm typically
(01:46):
drinking something caffeinatedwhile they are half cracked,
because it's hard to talk behindthis microphone.
We all worry about judgment onthe other end.
Like, I try very hard toovercome that.
And tonight I'm gonna overcomeit with a tiny little glass of
wine sitting next to me, becausethis is some shallow stuff.
(02:10):
This is like stereotypes andtalking about looks and things
that we're not supposed to careabout, but we all do, right.
So I wanna begin by just talkingabout how subjective the terms
hot, crazy, and emotionalunavailability really are.
(02:33):
Right?
so, I mean, let's bereal.
My idea of a hot man vastlydiffers from my friend's
opinions of hot men case.
In point, I was talking to agirlfriend the other night,
she's telling me about a dad onher son's baseball team.
(02:57):
He at, at the baseball game, shewas just like drooling over him.
He's this really big hunk of aman with just bulging arms, you
know, huge biceps, veiny,forearms, tan had a tattoo
sleeve wearing athletic clothes,just like she could see the
(03:21):
muscles in his shorts because hehad like kind of shorty shorts
on, um, which she liked on him.
He was bald.
She didn't care.
He had on some sort of likebucket hat because it's like 190
degrees in Kansas city thesedays.
Um, anyway, she's like, I don'tknow, like I don't, I didn't
(03:42):
think I had a type, like didn'treally think I was that into
tattoos or like beef cakes, butGod, I just look forward to
seeing that dad at everyfreaking baseball game I go to
and I'm sitting here going,there's no way I would even give
that guy a second look like thatis so far from like my idea of
like what handsome is.
Right?
(04:03):
So you see my point, we're allinto different stuff.
What is hot to you is not hot tome.
But in saying that there aresome universal things that I
think most of us findattractive, right?
Like if I just were to say thename, Ryan Reynolds, I seriously
(04:28):
doubt you girls like, correct meif I'm wrong, but, that man is
beautiful.
and I just, I can't findanything wrong with him.
I mean, he has like the perfectjawline, like great skin,
perfect hair, great body, likedresses.
(04:50):
So Soho stylish, like, and toboot he's like seemingly a
wonderful husband to his wife.
He's a loving adoring father.
And the kicker of course, isthat he's freaking hilarious and
(05:10):
witty as all get out.
He's a comic genius.
Yeah.
What is there not to find hotabout Ryan Reynolds?
I don't know.
Okay.
To keep this thing fair andbalanced, let's give a female
version of this example ofhotness.
Who would it be?
Oh, I don't know.
Megan Fox.
Right?
(05:31):
Exotic, thin busty, curvy.
Sensuous alluring.
Yeah.
Megan Fox is hot.
Like who is going to disagreewith those two people, right?
Like, yes, we can all agree thatsome people are just undeniably
really, really good looking.
(05:53):
I'm horrible at trying to doimpersonations.
But do you remember that linefrom Zoolander?
Yeah.
I mean, there are those peopleand I've talked about this on
previous episodes.
I think it's wise for all of usto take a real long hard look at
ourselves on every level.
But right now we're talking theshallow outside level.
(06:14):
Look at yourself in the mirroras others.
See you not to be overlycritical, just to be honest.
Right.
Okay.
I'm just gonna, I'm gonna takeone for the team over here.
I am not even five, two.
You guys not even five, two.
I tell everyone I'm pretty soft.
Yeah.
I'm not a hard body.
Yeah.
I mean, I've got a little bit ofmuscle tone here and there, but
(06:35):
you know what?
I'm pretty squishy too.
And I'm good with that.
I don't want, I've never hadrock hard abs I've never really
wanted them.
I don't know.
Um, that's just me.
I'm not really, I'm verydisciplined, but I'm not really
willing to like work my off forperfection.
So, um, that's my body in anutshell.
(06:57):
Okay.
I, I have highlighted hair,right?
So I'm a blonde.
I know.
Good and well that a certainpercentage of men really, really
are only attracted to darkercomplected, darker haired, um,
you know, different ethnicities.
I am not going to be everyone'scup of tea.
Hey, guess what?
I'm good with that.
(07:17):
I mean, I am a short white girl.
Take me for who I am.
Right.
So in saying that I was justtalking to a girlfriend tonight
and it was hilarious.
We, she said it, but I, I havethought it and said it before as
well, like, if I could just havethe confidence of most average
middle-aged men, like the gutsand gall and nerve of some guys
(07:45):
to like, think that theyare God's gift everyone.
And like how some of us womenshould just feel so like blessed
to be in their company, letalone get to like have sex with
them.
It's insane.
The ego, um, that some people,not just men, that's just coming
(08:06):
from my girlfriend and I, and myperspective, um, women do it
too.
Right.
They people just somehow likemaybe they just view themselves
as they were like in their glorydays, you know, back on the high
school football team when theywere a fricking stud and could
run a five and a half minutemile or, you know, have a 37
(08:28):
inch vertical jump or, you know,had all their hair or whatever,
and women same, right.
Sometimes women have a skewedversion of themselves too.
We still, you know, still thinkof ourselves as, you know, the,
the size to prom queen or, um,you know, the girl that could
(08:51):
attract all of the attentionfrom across the room.
And we forget sometimes maybethat, oh, you know what, you're
just the soccer mom sitting inthe corner with a, with a
Starbucks in front of you.
Um, so anyway, my point is, I think we all in, um,
(09:12):
setting up these matrix need todo a little inventory of
ourselves, how hot and crazy andemotionally available are we, um
, while we are judging all ofthese qualities in others,
right?
And acknowledging how subjectiveall of this is, because what is
hot to you is not hot to me andwhat you consider crazy.
Mm.
I mean, maybe that's not quiteas subjective, I don't know, but
(09:35):
what we're all willing to dealwith, um, or live with, or date
in the realm of someone beingcrazy or emotionally unavailable
is a whole nother thing.
Right?
I was on a date recently and mydate knew that I was working on
this episode and he humored meand had a whole discussion with
(10:00):
me about this subject.
And what he led with was ononline dating apps when he comes
across a knockout, beautifulwoman, his first question is,
fill in the blank, go ahead.
What's his first question,what's wrong with her?
(10:22):
And he acknowledged, you know,that's kind of what society like
this storyline, that societycreates, right?
Like if you're beautiful andyou're single, there must be
something wrong with your brain.
Like you must be crazy.
And that term crazy is almostonly attributed to women.
(10:44):
And then he went on to say that,you know, women are crazy and in
his opinion, men get labeled asnarcissist.
And I don't disagree with him.
I mean, if you're online a lot,um, reading about divorce,
dating, being single, these aretopics that come up all the
time.
Um, narcissism is way, way, wayover, um, over what am I trying
(11:09):
to say, diagnosed by, bythose of us who are not, um,
clinical psych or whatever, buttrue.
So anyway, but like from his guthonest perspective, he's like,
what's wrong with her?
Like, why, why is this beautifulwoman all alone in the world?
Like, why hasn't she beenscooped up yet?
Um, I, I, I get it, you know,and, um, I don't know, I think
(11:32):
from a female perspective and Imean, this is, again, me being
vulnerable here, as I talk tomarried and single women alike,
uh, pretty boys are hard to find, um, like, and it just gets
harder, you know, likeattractiveness and everything.
It, it, it's funny, you know,whenever you're young and in
(11:56):
high school and college orwhatever, like there are
attractive people everywhere.
Like you could fall for one of adozen people in your college
lecture hall, right.
And then you age and, uh, gothrough life and everything
changes and you can search andseek and desperately look in
(12:20):
every direction and not findsomeone that you're attracted
to.
It is, uh, just a staggeringproblem.
I don't care who you are.
Um, I've been on a lot of dates.
I've met a lot of single people,a lot of different walks of
life, a lot of differentphysical characteristics.
And we all have the samestruggles.
(12:41):
Sure.
There are people who are notvery discerning who find a wide
spectrum of people, uh,fuckable.
Sure.
I mean, there, there are thosepeople, but for most of us
average, normal people lookingfor a real honest connection to,
um, meet someone to care aboutor to build a relationship with
(13:04):
that physical piece is hard tofind.
It just is.
Right.
So this conversation with thisdate of mine went in a couple
different directions.
One of the things that I said tohim that I think is true of
people in our demographic isthis idea that it's hard to be
attracted sometimes to who weare now.
(13:27):
Right.
Kind of like I just was sayinglike, we're, we're not who we
.
We don't look the same as we didmaybe before we had babies or,
or before we put on weight orbefore we got wrinkles, it's
different than our friends andloved ones who have grown old
with the loves of their lives.
(13:48):
Right.
So in marriage or long termrelationships, oftentimes you
meet and fall for one another.
That chemistry, that sexual bondis formed when you're young and
hot, and then you grow oldtogether and it still works,
right?
Like you're still into oneanother because you always have
been and you've aged togetherand you've grown into one
(14:11):
another and then a single peopleare out here trying to be
attracted to this version of us.
Does that make sense?
I hope so.
It's different.
It's different.
And, um, I mean, I've had theseconversations with my stepdad,
Barry too.
He's had friends, you know, menand women.
(14:34):
Um, he told me about a femalefriend of his and he's like, I
think in her mind, she's like 35still.
And so she's expecting toattract a guy that looks like
that, but she's not 35 anymore.
I mean, I'm not 35 anymore.
So, um, yeah, it's, it's aninteresting dynamic, um, meeting
(14:56):
each other where we truly areright now.
So while I'm still on this hotlabel from the matrix, right.
Um, I've had a conversation witha female friend of mine too.
And she and I have gone throughlots of ebbs and flows of dating
and being single and caring andnot caring and, you know, kind
(15:18):
of changing our, um, ourstrategy, if you will.
like on online dating.
And I, if you've been single fora while, this should resonate
with you where like, I mean, attimes you can be like highly
critical.
Like I have these deal breakersand it, these guys don't match
exactly what I'm looking for.
There's no way I'm gonna swipe.
(15:39):
Right.
I'm only gonna swipe, right.
If I am over the moon, excitedto meet them and they fit this
perfect little picture of whatI'm looking for.
And then there may be times whenyou're dating life where you're
like, ah, it.
Like, he's basically like, helives in the same city and he is
like the right age.
I don't know.
Let's just give this a try.
Um, so anyway, I'm having aconversation with a girlfriend
(15:59):
of mine that we've talkedthrough, all of this kind of
stuff.
And she's like, you know, Imean, I take a step back and I
like, look at my neighbors.
She lives in, you know,suburbia.
And she's like, you know,oftentimes the women have like,
you know, taken care ofthemselves.
They're, they're all spelt andBotoxed and hair extensions and
(16:20):
look fricking knockout likeknockouts, you know, and they're
husbands.
I mean, some of'em are likepudgy and, you know, boring and
you know, this and that, likejust not, not nearly as
attractive as the women andthey're happy, you know?
I mean, like they make it work.
Like, I mean, I know they'rehaving sex, they've been married
(16:43):
for, you know, like it, I maybe,maybe I need to like lower my
standards.
Maybe I need to like, be alittle bit more open-minded that
I could, I could find like adifferent type of guy to be
attractive.
And then it just brings me rightback to what I was just talking
about.
Yeah.
Because they've freaking beenmarried, they chose each other.
(17:05):
They, you know, were attractedto each other when they met.
And it still works becausethey've formed a loving bond and
it's just different than likemeeting today.
It just is in my humble opinion.
I think again, if you've beensingle for very long and you've
dated a smidge, you can probablyrelate to this one too.
(17:26):
How many of you have gone outwith someone who doesn't
necessarily fit your image of,uh, what is attractive or hot if
you will.
And you've told yourself like,but this is a really good
person.
This is a good person with agood soul.
(17:47):
And I am going to, to continueto see this person because I
enjoy their company.
And they're just such a goodperson.
And I know because I am a goodperson too, that this is gonna
work over the course of time.
I will feel the feelings and youknow where I'm going with this.
Like this came up too on thedate with a guy recently, he
admitted that he met this woman,that it was just such a good
(18:10):
person.
Right.
And, uh, it's like the wholenice guy syndrome or whatever.
He tried to wait it out and itjust never happened.
They just never clicked likethat.
And, you know, I think he feltbad.
I think we all get a littledisappointed in ourselves when
stuff like that happens becausewe have good intentions, but
(18:31):
here's the deal.
People, we just cannot make thisup.
Like, you know, there arescientific chemical, biological,
hormonal things that need tohappen in order to cause that
attraction, that whole magicalspark that some of us believe in
more than others.
And, uh, even with really, uh,pure hearts and good intentions,
(18:54):
sometimes we just can't make ithappen.
It's a struggle.
I mean, the struggle is real.
Um, so I'm gonna move on to thisidea of like the crazy, right.
So I met this guy, I don't know,a couple years ago.
And he was telling me all thesecrazy dating stories.
(19:17):
He's never been married.
He's in his mid forties.
He's been on a lot of dates.
Right.
And so he was telling me thisstory about this woman that he
met online, they went out a timeor two and he was just really
into her.
She, he just kept talking abouthow gorgeous she was.
Right.
She was so gorgeous.
Like he just was totallyenamored with her so much.
(19:40):
So that after a date or two, heasked her to meet him out with a
friend of his like close buddyof his he's like, you gotta meet
this girl.
Obviously he wanted to show heroff.
Right.
Because she's hot.
So he's out with his buddy andthis girl shows up and like,
she's not holding a conversationvery well.
(20:01):
She's not very intelligent, butboy is she cute?
You know, whatever.
She's pretty.
And I can't even believe I'mtelling you this story.
So anyway, he goes on to saylike, this woman is sitting
there and she keeps like,shifting, like from one butt
cheek to the other, right.
Like she's like real, likeuncomfortable in her seat at the
(20:24):
wherever restaurant or bar orwherever they're at so much.
So that he asks her like, areyou, are you okay?
Is something something wrong?
Like seems like something's off.
And she's like, oh no, that'sjust my butt plug.
Uh, and he told me this story,like, this is his poor choice.
(20:48):
I mean, I guess, I mean, Iconsider it a poor choice.
Maybe he didn't like, this ishis story to tell I'm like, are
you kidding me?
Like the clearly the onlycriteria he was concerned about
in going out with this woman islike her physical appearance,
because there wasn't much elsegoing on, like in her brain or
(21:10):
like what, what she, you know,brought to the table other than
her butt plug, what the?
Like I have never, ever, ever,like, encountered
anything, like even close tothat because, um, I'm a little
more discerning.
I mean, I've gone out with someguys that I've been disappointed
in or like things haven't gonewell, but seriously, like, I
(21:31):
don't feel sorry for guys wholike, just don't even like,
where do you work?
What, like, where'd you grow up?
Like, tell me about like yourfamily.
Who are you again?
What's your last name?
Um, yeah, I mean to just like goout with some random girl and
have that happen, like how,like, I would be mortified.
(21:52):
And it's interesting because Ihave told that story to a
handful of friends, a couple ofthem like did not even flinch.
Like I tell that story andthey're like Uhhuh, and then
what I'm like, that's it like,isn't that like, appalling, like
my jaw like dropped when he saidthat.
And then they remind me that I'mnaive and boring and a prude.
(22:16):
And then, you know, I do haveother friends that react like
me, like shock and awe like, ohmy gosh, like there are people
like that out in the world.
Yeah.
There are.
Anyway, my whole point is notthat she's crazy.
Right.
Like whatever, she's obviouslymore sexually liberal.
(22:37):
I don't know more adventurousthan me I guess.
But, um, yeah, the crazy, the,the crazy, along with the hot,
you know, whatevs, I, I thinkthat, uh, there's a whole
spectrum of crazy and I'veencountered plenty of crazy
women and men, and I don't seethe correlation, but apparently,
(23:02):
um, it's a thing becauseI, I do think most men think
that this hot, crazy matrix is,uh, definitely like, uh, very,
very real.
Right.
Okay.
So likewise, right.
We've got this, uh, femaleversion with the emotional
unavailability, which Ifind equally amusing.
(23:26):
Um, and also kind of true.
Um, I mean really like using hercriteria, like her, her date
zone is more like my husbandzone because like the longer
that I date the, I guess thelower, the expectations become
on some of this stuff.
(23:47):
Sad, but true.
Um, and I just made a joke to myfriends the other day, um, that
I, I think that the moreunavailable a man is, and I
don't just mean like he's busy.
I mean, like his he's separated,his divorce hasn't really gotten
(24:07):
finalized yet.
His world is a, like in turmoilstuff is going wrong.
Yeah.
Um, oddly that's, uh, sometimesthe guy that I end up interested
in and I do think it's because,uh, they're not available.
Yeah.
So therefore they're safe and Ican get hung up on'em and, um,
(24:27):
nothing will ever come of it.
So a piece of the female matrix,you know, version of this is
Richmond, right?
I mean, how many times have weseen this play out?
Right.
Like Hugh Hefner, right.
With all these Playboy bunniesrunning around, um, would they
be dating Hugh Hefner if he werea, I don't know, middle school
(24:51):
algebra teacher.
Hell no.
It's because he is Hugh Hefner,right.
Or he was Hugh Hefner anyway.
Um, you know what I, where I'mgoing with this, right.
Rich guys, successful guysstatus, it's always, um,
appealing to a certainpercentage of people or coveted
or valued more than looks orattraction.
(25:16):
Uh, women looking for security,a free ride.
However you wanna look at itlike this is just a fact of
life.
This is how, um, some peoplepartner up and I don't know,
what's, you know, what's, what'sworse guy dating a crazy hot
chick or a woman dating a richold guy.
(25:40):
I don't know.
This is like facts of life, butDarwin actually like had some
theories on this and Iread about it.
So I'll share that with you,admittedly, this is taken
completely out of context andfrom an online article that I
read, but according to CharlesDarwin's theory of sexual
selection, all of us have aquote unquote mate value, a
(26:04):
numerical rating that determineshow desirable we are to other
people.
While it's the sum of a varietyof traits, one's mate value is
largely determined by physicalappearance for women and
resources for men.
The article goes on to say thatchoosing the person we want to
(26:25):
spend our lives with in such aclinical way is unromantic to
say the least.
But according to a new study,published in personality and
social psychology bulletin,having a very conventionally
attractive wife or a richhusband could lead to a happier
marriage.
Again, this is why when we're ondating apps, we see or hear
(26:50):
about men complaining about allof the filtered photos of women.
It's because we are trying toappear more attractive, right,
or old photos or whatever.
And then us ladies are over herecomplaining about men holding
(27:12):
photos with giant fish, showingus how capable they are of
providing for us.
Right?
I mean, basic good old fashionedDarwinism at its finest, I
guess.
I mean, at the end of the day,we are just all animals, you
know, socialized beast, tryingto, trying to figure it out.
(27:33):
And I swear the older we get andthe more complicated life gets
and these quadrants get smaller,the unicorns are harder to find.
It's all just, you know, hot,crazy mess is what it is.
hope you've had fun andlaughed a little at this
episode.
That's the intent here.
(27:54):
Don't take any of this stuff tooseriously if you do, you're
gonna be very, very, very sad,very sad and very alone.
Let's find, uh, the lighter sideof things and, uh, and just make
fun of ourselves.
Um, every once in a while.
That's how we're gonna getthrough this.
Get through this hot, crazy messtogether.
I think.
(28:15):
Thank you guys so much for, uh,listening to my potty mouth and
hopefully for laughing alongwith me and thank you for
listening and sharing thepodcast with your friends and
loved ones.
I think it works pretty well tojust text the link and, uh, you
know, word of mouth is good too.
That's how podcasts grow and Ijust appreciate you guys
(28:36):
sharing.
So, so very much.
Um, and up next, I think it'sanother fun one.
I mean, I'm having fun overhere.
I think I might just title it.
God game question, mark.
Cuz man, do I just really loveit when a guy has game.
Welcome to man shopping with Stacy, where I
share my real transparent datingand life experiences for your
amusement and inspiration.
I'm your host, Stacey weer, andyou are listening to episode 51.
My take on the hot, crazymatrix, quick public service
(00:23):
announcement.
If you do not know what the hotcrazy matrix is, please go to
YouTube and search for it.
Spare yourself a couple ofminutes so that you can follow
what I'm talking about on thispodcast episode.
And Hey, while you're at it,look up the female version of
(00:43):
this, which is the hot emotionalunavailability matrix, as well
as I will be referencing both inthis episode.
I'm just gonna give you myopinion on both of these matrix
and what they mean to me.
I'm also going to share with yousome discussions that I've had
with both men and women in mylife, friends of mine, as well
(01:05):
as guys I've gone on dates withthat I've talked to about this.
Um, yeah.
And, uh, lastly, I'm gonna sharewith you some real world
experiences that I havewitnessed, uh, regarding these
matrix and, uh, scientificexplanations that I have read
about on this subject.
(01:26):
So let's just do this
and podcast like very rarely.
Usually I'm sipping on waterbecause I'm talking so much, I'm
like foaming at the mouth.
And when my friends haverecorded with me, I'm typically
(01:46):
drinking something caffeinatedwhile they are half cracked,
because it's hard to talk behindthis microphone.
We all worry about judgment onthe other end.
Like, I try very hard toovercome that.
And tonight I'm gonna overcomeit with a tiny little glass of
wine sitting next to me, becausethis is some shallow stuff.
(02:10):
This is like stereotypes andtalking about looks and things
that we're not supposed to careabout, but we all do, right.
So I wanna begin by just talkingabout how subjective the terms
hot, crazy, and emotionalunavailability really are.
(02:33):
Right?
My idea of a hot man vastlydiffers from my friend's
opinions of hot men case.
In point, I was talking to agirlfriend the other night,
she's telling me about a dad onher son's baseball team.
(02:57):
He at, at the baseball game, shewas just like drooling over him.
He's this really big hunk of aman with just bulging arms, you
know, huge biceps, veiny,forearms, tan had a tattoo
sleeve wearing athletic clothes,just like she could see the
(03:21):
muscles in his shorts because hehad like kind of shorty shorts
on, um, which she liked on him.
He was bald.
She didn't care.
He had on some sort of likebucket hat because it's like 190
degrees in Kansas city thesedays.
Um, anyway, she's like, I don'tknow, like I don't, I didn't
(03:42):
think I had a type, like didn'treally think I was that into
tattoos or like beef cakes, butGod, I just look forward to
seeing that dad at everyfreaking baseball game I go to
and I'm sitting here going,there's no way I would even give
that guy a second look like thatis so far from like my idea of
like what handsome is.
Right?
(04:03):
So you see my point, we're allinto different stuff.
What is hot to you is not hot tome.
But in saying that there aresome universal things that I
think most of us findattractive, right?
Like if I just were to say thename, Ryan Reynolds, I seriously
(04:28):
doubt you girls like, correct meif I'm wrong, but, that man is
beautiful.
I mean, he has like the perfectjawline, like great skin,
perfect hair, great body, likedresses.
(04:50):
So Soho stylish, like, and toboot he's like seemingly a
wonderful husband to his wife.
He's a loving adoring father.
And the kicker of course, isthat he's freaking hilarious and
(05:10):
witty as all get out.
He's a comic genius.
Yeah.
What is there not to find hotabout Ryan Reynolds?
I don't know.
Okay.
To keep this thing fair andbalanced, let's give a female
version of this example ofhotness.
Who would it be?
Oh, I don't know.
Megan Fox.
Right?
(05:31):
Exotic, thin busty, curvy.
Sensuous alluring.
Yeah.
Megan Fox is hot.
Like who is going to disagreewith those two people, right?
Like, yes, we can all agree thatsome people are just undeniably
really, really good looking.
(05:53):
I'm horrible at trying to doimpersonations.
But do you remember that linefrom Zoolander?
Yeah.
I mean, there are those peopleand I've talked about this on
previous episodes.
I think it's wise for all of usto take a real long hard look at
ourselves on every level.
But right now we're talking theshallow outside level.
(06:14):
Look at yourself in the mirroras others.
See you not to be overlycritical, just to be honest.
Right.
Okay.
I'm just gonna, I'm gonna takeone for the team over here.
I am not even five, two.
You guys not even five, two.
I tell everyone I'm pretty soft.
Yeah.
I'm not a hard body.
Yeah.
I mean, I've got a little bit ofmuscle tone here and there, but
(06:35):
you know what?
I'm pretty squishy too.
And I'm good with that.
I don't want, I've never hadrock hard abs I've never really
wanted them.
I don't know.
Um, that's just me.
I'm not really, I'm verydisciplined, but I'm not really
willing to like work my off forperfection.
So, um, that's my body in anutshell.
(06:57):
Okay.
I, I have highlighted hair,right?
So I'm a blonde.
I know.
Good and well that a certainpercentage of men really, really
are only attracted to darkercomplected, darker haired, um,
you know, different ethnicities.
I am not going to be everyone'scup of tea.
Hey, guess what?
I'm good with that.
(07:17):
I mean, I am a short white girl.
Take me for who I am.
Right.
So in saying that I was justtalking to a girlfriend tonight
and it was hilarious.
We, she said it, but I, I havethought it and said it before as
well, like, if I could just havethe confidence of most average
middle-aged men, like the gutsand gall and nerve of some guys
(07:45):
And like how some of us womenshould just feel so like blessed
to be in their company, letalone get to like have sex with
them.
It's insane.
The ego, um, that some people,not just men, that's just coming
(08:06):
from my girlfriend and I, and myperspective, um, women do it
too.
Right.
They people just somehow likemaybe they just view themselves
as they were like in their glorydays, you know, back on the high
school football team when theywere a fricking stud and could
run a five and a half minutemile or, you know, have a 37
(08:28):
inch vertical jump or, you know,had all their hair or whatever,
and women same, right.
Sometimes women have a skewedversion of themselves too.
We still, you know, still thinkof ourselves as, you know, the,
the size to prom queen or, um,you know, the girl that could
(08:51):
attract all of the attentionfrom across the room.
And we forget sometimes maybethat, oh, you know what, you're
just the soccer mom sitting inthe corner with a, with a
Starbucks in front of you.
Um, so anyway, my point is
(09:12):
setting up these matrix need todo a little inventory of
ourselves, how hot and crazy andemotionally available are we, um
, while we are judging all ofthese qualities in others,
right?
And acknowledging how subjectiveall of this is, because what is
hot to you is not hot to me andwhat you consider crazy.
Mm.
I mean, maybe that's not quiteas subjective, I don't know, but
(09:35):
what we're all willing to dealwith, um, or live with, or date
in the realm of someone beingcrazy or emotionally unavailable
is a whole nother thing.
Right?
I was on a date recently and mydate knew that I was working on
this episode and he humored meand had a whole discussion with
(10:00):
me about this subject.
And what he led with was ononline dating apps when he comes
across a knockout, beautifulwoman, his first question is,
fill in the blank, go ahead.
What's his first question,what's wrong with her?
(10:22):
And he acknowledged, you know,that's kind of what society like
this storyline, that societycreates, right?
Like if you're beautiful andyou're single, there must be
something wrong with your brain.
Like you must be crazy.
And that term crazy is almostonly attributed to women.
(10:44):
And then he went on to say that,you know, women are crazy and in
his opinion, men get labeled asnarcissist.
And I don't disagree with him.
I mean, if you're online a lot,um, reading about divorce,
dating, being single, these aretopics that come up all the
time.
Um, narcissism is way, way, wayover, um, over what am I trying
(11:09):
to say, diagnosed
clinical psych or whatever, buttrue.
So anyway, but like from his guthonest perspective, he's like,
what's wrong with her?
Like, why, why is this beautifulwoman all alone in the world?
Like, why hasn't she beenscooped up yet?
Um, I, I, I get it, you know,and, um, I don't know, I think
(11:32):
from a female perspective and Imean, this is, again, me being
vulnerable here, as I talk tomarried and single women alike,
uh, pretty boys are hard to find, um, like, and it just gets
harder, you know, likeattractiveness and everything.
It, it, it's funny, you know,whenever you're young and in
(11:56):
high school and college orwhatever, like there are
attractive people everywhere.
Like you could fall for one of adozen people in your college
lecture hall, right.
And then you age and, uh, gothrough life and everything
changes and you can search andseek and desperately look in
(12:20):
every direction and not findsomeone that you're attracted
to.
It is, uh, just a staggeringproblem.
I don't care who you are.
Um, I've been on a lot of dates.
I've met a lot of single people,a lot of different walks of
life, a lot of differentphysical characteristics.
And we all have the samestruggles.
(12:41):
Sure.
There are people who are notvery discerning who find a wide
spectrum of people, uh,fuckable.
Sure.
I mean, there, there are thosepeople, but for most of us
average, normal people lookingfor a real honest connection to,
um, meet someone to care aboutor to build a relationship with
(13:04):
that physical piece is hard tofind.
It just is.
Right.
So this conversation with thisdate of mine went in a couple
different directions.
One of the things that I said tohim that I think is true of
people in our demographic isthis idea that it's hard to be
attracted sometimes to who weare now.
(13:27):
Right.
Kind of like I just was sayinglike, we're, we're not who we
We don't look the same as we didmaybe before we had babies or,
or before we put on weight orbefore we got wrinkles, it's
different than our friends andloved ones who have grown old
with the loves of their lives.
(13:48):
Right.
So in marriage or long termrelationships, oftentimes you
meet and fall for one another.
That chemistry, that sexual bondis formed when you're young and
hot, and then you grow oldtogether and it still works,
right?
Like you're still into oneanother because you always have
been and you've aged togetherand you've grown into one
(14:11):
another and then a single peopleare out here trying to be
attracted to this version of us.
Does that make sense?
I hope so.
It's different.
It's different.
And, um, I mean, I've had theseconversations with my stepdad,
Barry too.
He's had friends, you know, menand women.
(14:34):
Um, he told me about a femalefriend of his and he's like, I
think in her mind, she's like 35still.
And so she's expecting toattract a guy that looks like
that, but she's not 35 anymore.
I mean, I'm not 35 anymore.
So, um, yeah, it's, it's aninteresting dynamic, um, meeting
(14:56):
each other where we truly areright now.
So while I'm still on this hotlabel from the matrix, right.
Um, I've had a conversation witha female friend of mine too.
And she and I have gone throughlots of ebbs and flows of dating
and being single and caring andnot caring and, you know, kind
(15:18):
of changing our, um, ourstrategy, if you will.
And I, if you've been single fora while, this should resonate
with you where like, I mean, attimes you can be like highly
critical.
Like I have these deal breakersand it, these guys don't match
exactly what I'm looking for.
There's no way I'm gonna swipe.
(15:39):
Right.
I'm only gonna swipe, right.
If I am over the moon, excitedto meet them and they fit this
perfect little picture of whatI'm looking for.
And then there may be times whenyou're dating life where you're
like, ah, it.
Like, he's basically like, helives in the same city and he is
like the right age.
I don't know.
Let's just give this a try.
Um, so anyway, I'm having aconversation with a girlfriend
(15:59):
of mine that we've talkedthrough, all of this kind of
stuff.
And she's like, you know, Imean, I take a step back and I
like, look at my neighbors.
She lives in, you know,suburbia.
And she's like, you know,oftentimes the women have like,
you know, taken care ofthemselves.
They're, they're all spelt andBotoxed and hair extensions and
(16:20):
look fricking knockout likeknockouts, you know, and they're
husbands.
I mean, some of'em are likepudgy and, you know, boring and
you know, this and that, likejust not, not nearly as
attractive as the women andthey're happy, you know?
I mean, like they make it work.
Like, I mean, I know they'rehaving sex, they've been married
(16:43):
for, you know, like it, I maybe,maybe I need to like lower my
standards.
Maybe I need to like, be alittle bit more open-minded that
I could, I could find like adifferent type of guy to be
attractive.
And then it just brings me rightback to what I was just talking
about.
Yeah.
Because they've freaking beenmarried, they chose each other.
(17:05):
They, you know, were attractedto each other when they met.
And it still works becausethey've formed a loving bond and
it's just different than likemeeting today.
It just is in my humble opinion.
I think again, if you've beensingle for very long and you've
dated a smidge, you can probablyrelate to this one too.
(17:26):
How many of you have gone outwith someone who doesn't
necessarily fit your image of,uh, what is attractive or hot if
you will.
And you've told yourself like,but this is a really good
person.
This is a good person with agood soul.
(17:47):
And I am going to, to continueto see this person because I
enjoy their company.
And they're just such a goodperson.
And I know because I am a goodperson too, that this is gonna
work over the course of time.
I will feel the feelings and youknow where I'm going with this.
Like this came up too on thedate with a guy recently, he
admitted that he met this woman,that it was just such a good
(18:10):
person.
Right.
And, uh, it's like the wholenice guy syndrome or whatever.
He tried to wait it out and itjust never happened.
They just never clicked likethat.
And, you know, I think he feltbad.
I think we all get a littledisappointed in ourselves when
stuff like that happens becausewe have good intentions, but
(18:31):
here's the deal.
People, we just cannot make thisup.
Like, you know, there arescientific chemical, biological,
hormonal things that need tohappen in order to cause that
attraction, that whole magicalspark that some of us believe in
more than others.
And, uh, even with really, uh,pure hearts and good intentions,
(18:54):
sometimes we just can't make ithappen.
It's a struggle.
I mean, the struggle is real.
Um, so I'm gonna move on to thisidea of like the crazy, right.
So I met this guy, I don't know,a couple years ago.
And he was telling me all thesecrazy dating stories.
(19:17):
He's never been married.
He's in his mid forties.
He's been on a lot of dates.
Right.
And so he was telling me thisstory about this woman that he
met online, they went out a timeor two and he was just really
into her.
She, he just kept talking abouthow gorgeous she was.
Right.
She was so gorgeous.
Like he just was totallyenamored with her so much.
(19:40):
So that after a date or two, heasked her to meet him out with a
friend of his like close buddyof his he's like, you gotta meet
this girl.
Obviously he wanted to show heroff.
Right.
Because she's hot.
So he's out with his buddy andthis girl shows up and like,
she's not holding a conversationvery well.
(20:01):
She's not very intelligent, butboy is she cute?
You know, whatever.
She's pretty.
And I can't even believe I'mtelling you this story.
So anyway, he goes on to saylike, this woman is sitting
there and she keeps like,shifting, like from one butt
cheek to the other, right.
Like she's like real, likeuncomfortable in her seat at the
(20:24):
wherever restaurant or bar orwherever they're at so much.
So that he asks her like, areyou, are you okay?
Is something something wrong?
Like seems like something's off.
And she's like, oh no, that'sjust my butt plug.
Uh, and he told me this story,like, this is his poor choice.
(20:48):
I mean, I guess, I mean, Iconsider it a poor choice.
Maybe he didn't like, this ishis story to tell I'm like, are
you kidding me?
Like the clearly the onlycriteria he was concerned about
in going out with this woman islike her physical appearance,
because there wasn't much elsegoing on, like in her brain or
(21:10):
like what, what she, you know,brought to the table other than
her butt plug, what the?
Like I have never, ever, ever,like,
anything, like even close tothat because, um, I'm a little
more discerning.
I mean, I've gone out with someguys that I've been disappointed
in or like things haven't gonewell, but seriously, like, I
(21:31):
don't feel sorry for guys wholike, just don't even like,
where do you work?
What, like, where'd you grow up?
Like, tell me about like yourfamily.
Who are you again?
What's your last name?
Um, yeah, I mean to just like goout with some random girl and
have that happen, like how,like, I would be mortified.
(21:52):
And it's interesting because Ihave told that story to a
handful of friends, a couple ofthem like did not even flinch.
Like I tell that story andthey're like Uhhuh, and then
what I'm like, that's it like,isn't that like, appalling, like
my jaw like dropped when he saidthat.
And then they remind me that I'mnaive and boring and a prude.
(22:16):
And then, you know, I do haveother friends that react like
me, like shock and awe like, ohmy gosh, like there are people
like that out in the world.
Yeah.
There are.
Anyway, my whole point is notthat she's crazy.
Right.
Like whatever, she's obviouslymore sexually liberal.
(22:37):
I don't know more adventurousthan me I guess.
But, um, yeah, the crazy, the,the crazy, along with the hot,
you know, whatevs, I, I thinkthat, uh, there's a whole
spectrum of crazy and I'veencountered plenty of crazy
women and men, and I don't seethe correlation, but apparently,
(23:02):
um, it's a thing
that this hot, crazy matrix is,uh, definitely like, uh, very,
very real.
Right.
Okay.
So likewise, right.
We've got this, uh, femaleversion with the emotional
unavailability
(23:26):
Um, and also kind of true.
Um, I mean really like using hercriteria, like her, her date
zone is more like my husbandzone because like the longer
that I date the, I guess thelower, the expectations become
on some of this stuff.
(23:47):
Sad, but true.
Um, and I just made a joke to myfriends the other day, um, that
I, I think that the moreunavailable a man is, and I
don't just mean like he's busy.
I mean, like his he's separated,his divorce hasn't really gotten
(24:07):
finalized yet.
His world is a, like in turmoilstuff is going wrong.
Yeah.
Um, oddly that's, uh, sometimesthe guy that I end up interested
in and I do think it's because,uh, they're not available.
Yeah.
So therefore they're safe and Ican get hung up on'em and, um,
(24:27):
nothing will ever come of it.
So a piece of the female matrix,you know, version of this is
Richmond, right?
I mean, how many times have weseen this play out?
Right.
Like Hugh Hefner, right.
With all these Playboy bunniesrunning around, um, would they
be dating Hugh Hefner if he werea, I don't know, middle school
(24:51):
algebra teacher.
Hell no.
It's because he is Hugh Hefner,right.
Or he was Hugh Hefner anyway.
Um, you know what I, where I'mgoing with this, right.
Rich guys, successful guysstatus, it's always, um,
appealing to a certainpercentage of people or coveted
or valued more than looks orattraction.
(25:16):
Uh, women looking for security,a free ride.
However you wanna look at itlike this is just a fact of
life.
This is how, um, some peoplepartner up and I don't know,
what's, you know, what's, what'sworse guy dating a crazy hot
chick or a woman dating a richold guy.
(25:40):
I don't know.
This is like facts of life, butDarwin actually like had some
theories on this
So I'll share that with you,admittedly, this is taken
completely out of context andfrom an online article that I
read, but according to CharlesDarwin's theory of sexual
selection, all of us have aquote unquote mate value, a
(26:04):
numerical rating that determineshow desirable we are to other
people.
While it's the sum of a varietyof traits, one's mate value is
largely determined by physicalappearance for women and
resources for men.
The article goes on to say thatchoosing the person we want to
(26:25):
spend our lives with in such aclinical way is unromantic to
say the least.
But according to a new study,published in personality and
social psychology bulletin,having a very conventionally
attractive wife or a richhusband could lead to a happier
marriage.
Again, this is why when we're ondating apps, we see or hear
(26:50):
about men complaining about allof the filtered photos of women.
It's because we are trying toappear more attractive, right,
or old photos or whatever.
And then us ladies are over herecomplaining about men holding
(27:12):
photos with giant fish, showingus how capable they are of
providing for us.
Right?
I mean, basic good old fashionedDarwinism at its finest, I
guess.
I mean, at the end of the day,we are just all animals, you
know, socialized beast, tryingto, trying to figure it out.
(27:33):
And I swear the older we get andthe more complicated life gets
and these quadrants get smaller,the unicorns are harder to find.
It's all just, you know, hot,crazy mess is what it is.
episode.
That's the intent here.
(27:54):
Don't take any of this stuff tooseriously if you do, you're
gonna be very, very, very sad,very sad and very alone.
Let's find, uh, the lighter sideof things and, uh, and just make
fun of ourselves.
Um, every once in a while.
That's how we're gonna getthrough this.
Get through this hot, crazy messtogether.
I think.
(28:15):
Thank you guys so much for, uh,listening to my potty mouth and
hopefully for laughing alongwith me and thank you for
listening and sharing thepodcast with your friends and
loved ones.
I think it works pretty well tojust text the link and, uh, you
know, word of mouth is good too.
That's how podcasts grow and Ijust appreciate you guys
(28:36):
sharing.
So, so very much.
Um, and up next, I think it'sanother fun one.
I mean, I'm having fun overhere.
I think I might just title it.
God game question, mark.
Cuz man, do I just really loveit when a guy has game.
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