August 26, 2022 • 27 mins
In this episode, I talk about how we (single people) are often easy targets for married people to hit on, hit up on social media, to proposition or entangle in an affair.
I begin by sharing my own personal examples of being hit on by married men. I talk about my reaction to being hit on and how I handled those situations.
Many years ago after my first divorce, I first created my Facebook account. I was immediately contacted by a guy I had grown up with. He was married but asked me to keep in touch via messaging with him while he was deployed by the military. Shortly after that, I received a message from a guy I had dated when I was young. He was married but asked me to go to dinner with him while he visited Kansas City for work travel. Since then, I've received a couple of invitations from men I once dated who are now married.
Then, I share two separate stories from two female friends of mine.
One was approached on Facebook by an old friend. They met up for a platonic dinner but the next evening, he gave her a booty call. She felt as though he must've believed she was ready and willing to have an affair with him which ultimately made her feel bad about herself. In a conversation with her, I told I believe he was actually more to blame as he is the married one. He had teed up their reunion as friends but had ulterior motives. I believe she was the victim in this situation and deemed an easy target because she is single.
My other friend has been receiving ridiculous sexual messages for years now from a married man in her social circles. Their children are friends and my friend knows his wife. My friend's boyfriend also is aware of the messages. She has chosen to ignore the propositions, porn, and explicit stuff he sends because it's just not worth it to disrupt his marriage and family. He obviously has issues.
I believe the common link in all of these scenarios is that we are easy targets because we are unmarried. While we all are capable of being bated, enticed, or enjoy simply enjoy attention from the opposite sex, we singles would prefer it to be with other singles!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to man shopping with Stacy, where I
share my real transparent datingand life experiences for your
amusement and inspiration.
You're listening to episode 53easy targets.
In this episode, I'm going totalk about how we as single
people are often easy targetsfor married people to hit on, to
(00:26):
hit up online to proposition, totry to entangle into an affair
I'll begin.
Like I usually do with my ownpersonal stories, examples of
how I've been hit on by marriedmen and how I handled it and how
I felt throughout it and all ofthat.
But then I'm going to get to thereally pertinent stuff.
(00:50):
The reason that I'm recordingthis episode is that I've had
two different female friendsreach out to me with their
stories of being easy targets.
Their stories are very unique.
And aside from just sharing withyou, what they've been through
and experienced, I really wantto be able to convey how they
(01:16):
handled everything emotionally,or are still kind of, um,
cycling through their emotionsand dealing with the fallout of
their individual experiences.
I'm just gonna go ahead andstart by saying, I really blame
Facebook I would like toblame mark Zuckerberg and
(01:38):
Facebook personally, for so muchof this behavior.
I'm joking, but I'm not.
I mean, my first story is soironic.
Um, my first marriage ended fora lot of legitimate reasons, but
the final nail in the coffin wasthis emotional affair, uh, that
(01:59):
existed throughout my marriage.
And, um, ironically after I wasseparated and going through my
divorce, I created my veryfirst, you know, Facebook
account.
And I hadn't been on Facebookfor very long before a high
school friend of mine reachedout and, you know, we hadn't
(02:24):
spoken in 10 years, 10 plusyears.
I was, um, about 30 years oldand he reached out, oh my gosh,
you know, so great to see you onhere.
Kind of brought me up to speedon his life.
It looked to me as though he wasmarried and he was in the
military and he told me that hewas getting ready to, um, go
(02:48):
overseas for some amount oftime.
And, um, you know, what, whatstarted off with just a couple
of old, like high school friends, um, you know, catching up,
ended up being this propositionby him asking me if I would
basically be his, um, pen P, which cracked me up
(03:12):
first of all, because I hadn'teven spoken to him for 10 years.
Um, but secondly, I was like,dude, you're married.
Like what, what do you need mefor?
Uh, no.
So I distinctly remembermessaging him back and being
like, I just got out of amarriage because behavior like
this was going on, emotionalaffairs hurt just as deeply as
(03:37):
sexual affairs.
And I did not want to haveanything to do with that.
So that was kind of my, I mean,talk about like being thrown to
the wolves you get on Facebookand that's immediately what
starts happening.
Um, nothing really has changedover the years.
I had another guy that I haddated when I was young.
(03:58):
He reached out to me, uh, after,again, being on Facebook, not
for very long.
And he lived outta state, helived in the south and he
reached out and was like, oh, Itraveled to Kansas city a lot.
We should definitely go todinner and catch up.
And I was like, you, I wouldlove to go to dinner with you,
(04:18):
but you are married with threechildren.
you're like, no, that issuch a horrible idea.
Horrible idea.
Because we had dated, we, I meanlike no Uhuh, those, those
feelings, although, you know,they were long in the past would
most certainly I thought creepback up in the presence of one
(04:40):
another because we had thatchemistry and, and history.
So absolutely freaking not, noturned him down.
So I'm sure those are a coupleof very relatable examples that
a lot of you have dealt with.
It does beg the question.
If I was married, my husband wasin my profile picture with me.
Would those two guys have felt,um, so eager to like meet me out
(05:05):
to dinner?
I, I just can't imagine like my,the guy that I had dated, you
know, saying, oh, I come toKansas city because of work
travel.
Let's go to dinner.
Would you really done that?
If I was married?
My guess is no, I'm an easytarget because I was a young
single mom living in a citythat, you know, he could escape
(05:27):
his regular life and come seeme, but Hey, guess what?
That's my real life.
in Kansas city is asingle woman and no, I'm not
down to have an affair.
Thank you very much.
Um, a recent, more recentexample since my second divorce,
I had a guy that I had dated,um, before my second marriage
(05:51):
and we, we hadn't dated much.
It was a pretty casual littledating relationship.
We had never had sex oranything.
We just dated a little bit.
And there was always this likedecent level of interest that we
both had for one another.
So again, on Facebook, hereached out to me and said, you
know, we should go to coffee andcatch up.
He complimented how great Ilooked, uh, gave me his phone
(06:14):
number.
And I was like, uh, I have toask.
I mean, I can see your post.
I, and it was a littleambiguous.
Like, it can be hard to tellwhen, especially when men don't
post for, or people in general,don't post that often.
Um, I was like, Hey, I'velearned that I need to ask this.
Like, are you married?
And he basically said, yeah, butyeah, but we've been struggling
(06:40):
for a long time going through alot of hard stuff, you know,
considering separation, blah,blah, blah.
And I'm like, no, no, we can'tgo to coffee.
Like figure your life out.
Don't why are you messing withme?
Like go to coffee with your wifeand figure out if you wanna be
(07:00):
married or not like, no, come onpeople.
And he was super persistent.
Like I'm a polite person,probably too much.
So in situations like that, andI messaged back and forth with
him, like turning him down likefour different times.
Like, um, again, no, I'm notgonna see you.
This is what I think.
And he'd be like, well, whatabout no?
(07:23):
Um, and so again, just anotherFacebook example of how this
stuff happens.
My last little share for you isalso more recent and it was on
Instagram.
I mean, look how we've evolved.
Now we get DMed on Instagramtoo.
So we have multiple platforms.
I mean, I've been, I've beenapproached on LinkedIn several
(07:45):
times as well, but you know,that's not quite the norm.
So on Instagram, I actuallymessaged the married guy first.
my bad.
I didn't think he was married.
So it was somebody I didn't knowvery well again, from my past it
, it felt comfortable.
He was like posting, liking,watching all my stories.
(08:08):
Oh, giving me all the signs thathe was pretty into me.
And I mean, I, I can beaggressive sometimes.
So I reached out to him, oh mygosh, haven't seen you for so
long, blah, blah, blah.
And, um, he responded rightaway, like cute little message
back and forth a couple times,um, told me, you know, he also
(08:31):
lived lives out of state and waslike, Hey, if you ever come to
my city, like let's grab drinks.
It would be so fun.
And I was like, oh my gosh,like, I would love that.
And then I did my due diligenceand I said, Hey, to do this, but
I just ha like, you know, a girlcan't be too sure.
Like you're not married.
Right.
(08:51):
Like you you're divorced.
Right.
Kind of asked it like that.
And he was like, oh, Ooh, no,not so much.
Like, you know, again kind ofgave me the whole, the whole,
uh, song and dance of like, Ooh,we've, you know, things have not
been good for some time, blah,blah, blah.
And I was like, um, yeah, I, soyou're not even separated.
(09:16):
And he said, probably this wasthis, this quote will never
leave my mind.
Probably not.
As far as, along as you wouldlike me to be.
And I was like, that means youare married and sleeping in bed
next to your wife every night.
(09:36):
Uh, yeah, just frustrating.
Right?
Just annoying.
Frustrating.
That one was my fault.
I mean, I kind of walked rightinto it, but, um, but shut it
down.
I shut it down, you know, butI'm like, how would his wife be
if she was like, Hm.
Like, we're not getting alongvery well.
So now I'm gonna Snoop on yourInstagram and read your DMS and
(09:57):
who the, who is this chick inKansas city.
And, oh, we're not doing wellnews to me.
I mean, you know how this goesso easy to get caught.
So easy to misbehave, so easy,like easy targets.
That's what we're talking aboutpeople.
So that's about as exciting asmy married guy situations get,
(10:19):
um, because I would have to do awhole nother episode, which
maybe I will one day aboutdating while we're separated.
Um, cause that's not what we'retalking about here.
We are talking about married,married, married, people,
getting involved with us, singlepeople, divorces, finalized.
That's what we're talking about.
(10:40):
Okay.
So I am going to now tell astory of a friend.
Um, she shared some, some prettyexplicit details with me and
asked me to share them with allof you.
So here we go.
So to kind of set the stage, Ihave to tell you, this friend of
mine has been, um, divorced acouple of times.
(11:01):
She had been in a really toxicdating relationship that had
just ended.
So she's a little vulnerable,right?
Have to admit that littlevulnerable, just getting out of
a really bad toxic, um,unhealthy relationship.
And guess what she received aFacebook message.
Mm-hmm see a themehere, mark Zuckerberg.
(11:22):
Uh huh.
Um, so she received a Facebookmessage from a guy that she grew
up going to school with and, youknow, go figure.
She had always had a really bigcrush on him, lifelong crush,
and actually had not seen himsince they were teenagers
because I don't remember one orboth of them had moved to
different schools.
(11:43):
So this was a very like young,early crush because they did not
even complete high schooltogether.
So he messaged her her and saidthat he had been, he was at his
parents' house, um, here inKansas city.
He lives, um, in the south,married with a couple of kids
he's in, at his parents' houseand going through some of his
(12:07):
old stuff and ran across somephotos of the two of them
together.
And he basically just said, Igotten also sentimental.
I haven't been here for so long.
It would be so cool to hang outwith you.
Like, would you wanna grab abite to eat while I'm in town
sometime she's like, uh, yeah, Iwould harmless, um, you know,
(12:33):
just very polite, very platonicinvite.
Um, she didn't get any strangevibes or anything and she was
just, you know, like so many ofus just very curious to, to see
what he's up to.
Right?
So they went on a platonicdinner date where everything was
above board, so much fun,catching up reminiscing about
(12:58):
life.
Um, and it went great withnothing weird happening at all.
They exchanged phone numbersbecause he was gonna be in town
for a while and maybe they wouldcatch up with some of their
other friends.
Um, the next, the next night shewas hanging out at a bar with
some friends watching a footballgame and he texted her and guess
(13:23):
how his text started out.
We have all been here.
We've I I've been guilty ofthis.
I've received these types ofmessages.
He was basically like, oh dude,this is such a bad idea.
I have had a few drinks and Iknow better.
I should not be texting you, butI can't help myself.
You know, Hey, are you out?
Basically was what he sent.
(13:45):
And she's like, oh you.
I am.
I'm also having drinks with myfriends.
You see how this works?
We, I, I totally get it.
I totally feel I, he reached outto her for a reason.
Obviously he's interested.
She accepted because ouch,there's just this little like
(14:05):
crush that never went away andgetting attention from someone
after a bad breakup, it's hardto avoid, you know?
And so they text back and forthand he basically is like, I want
you, like, we should gettogether.
And because they're both fueledup with liquor, you know, things
(14:25):
got a little sexy in themessages.
And then my friend pulled theplug and was like, you know
what, no, you're married.
This is not happening.
I am going home alone tonight.
Thank you very much.
And the next day she woke up andwas just, just utterly disgusted
(14:52):
by the whole situation she feltas though this friend of hers
that she had always adored andcrushed on.
She felt like he must think likeshe was so easy.
You know, all he has to do isfly into town, call her up, go
(15:15):
out to dinner once.
And then like, she would just,you know, be so enamored with
him that she would go to bedwith him.
So this situation made her feelreally bad about herself.
She didn't even follow throughyou guys.
She didn't even sleep with him.
She didn't even say yes, but itmade her feel really low and
(15:42):
made her doubt, her own likemoral compass and made her just
feel real.
And so she called me that dayand I just listened and I'm
like, oh my gosh, but it's, it'snot you.
It's not your fault.
Like we all have had these typesof situations occur throughout
(16:06):
our lives, or most of us have.
And, I just hated it for thatare made her feel bad.
And that's when I startedthinking and I told her dude,
you're just an easy target.
First of all, you're hot.
Like she's really beautiful,really attractive.
She has a great job.
She has a great life.
She's, you know, putting it allout there on social media
(16:29):
because she's this married, butlonely shell of a guy, you know,
sees her brightness, you know,on social media and whatever,
and is attracted to it.
Like you can't blame the poorschmuck for wanting a piece of
you.
Right.
(16:49):
But don't make that.
Don't let that, let him make youfeel bad about yourself.
You're an easy target.
That's what I told her.
I'm like, you're, you're single.
Like if you were married, theodds of him reaching out to you
in the same way are so low.
(17:09):
Like it's just so much riskierreaching out online to another
married person.
I know it happens.
I talked to several of mymarried friends before recording
this episode.
I'm gonna avoid all of thosestories.
Like maybe I'll do another,like, I don't know why I would
do another podcast just aboutmarried people, cheating with
other married people thatdoesn't make a lot of sense for
(17:32):
this platform.
I know it happens.
I know it's rampant.
I've seen it go down.
It's so many sales meetings, um,for work over the course of
time.
Um, just as one little, youknow, example, but I it's just,
it's not, I feel like althoughthat happens and plenty of
coworkers and plenty ofneighbors and plenty of parents,
(17:55):
of children who are friends,plenty of those people have
affairs.
I get it.
That happens every day.
But I feel like we as singlepeople, my whole point in this
episode, we are easier targetsbecause we're unattached and,
uh, just makes us easy pray by,by married people.
And she was a victim of this.
And I guess what I want toconvey to all of you is, I mean,
(18:21):
she made the right decision,right.
At the end of the day, she wastempted, but she made the right
decision.
And I, I just don't think thatshe should feel shame and guilt,
um, because he was attracted toher or as she was obviously
attracted back.
(18:41):
Right.
But there's no reason to carryshame and guilt.
Um, and again, I'm just gonnause this old excuse.
We're easy targets, cuz we justare.
And you know, that conversationended up evolving into, you
know, this is hard.
It's hard being single later inlife.
It's hard that such a bigpercentage of the population are
(19:04):
married.
You know, this was a guy that ifhe was single, like really, oh I
mean they, they totally would,would make a great couple, you
know, but he's, but he's justnot.
And so the struggle is real.
And we went on to talk aboutthat.
You know, we wanna be made tofeel desired and sexy and
(19:24):
wanted, but not by married men.
Okay.
So this next situation that I'mgonna share with you is all
about being wanted lust, sexporn, dirty messages, O M G my
friend has, um, been through itall with this guy.
(19:48):
So my friend is friends withanother lady, another mom, their
children go to school together,hang out together.
They're part of the same socialcircles.
Back when my friend was married,um, her other married mom friend
was like, oh my gosh, you'regonna be in Boston at a
(20:11):
conference at the same time asmy husband.
Right.
They're all friends, they're allmarried.
People hanging out together.
You guys should totally hangout.
And so this woman likefacilitated my friend, getting
together with her own husband inanother city.
Okay.
So, so they do they're at thesame place at the same time.
(20:31):
My friend is, um, in town atthis, at, at this conference.
And her first interaction withthis guy away from his wife was
her coworker.
My friend's coworker told herthat he was taking pictures of
(20:52):
her when she was turned awayfrom him.
I'm not kidding.
So that was her first inklingthat maybe this guy's kind of,
uh, kind of into, uh, into her.
So that's how this got started.
And this was several years ago,my friend is now divorced and
(21:13):
she told me ever since then, andup until like yesterday, not
joking about once a month, shegets messages from this guy,
text messages, emails.
He sends her porn.
He sends her links to stuff.
(21:35):
He tells her that he's hungryfor her.
He, um, he's something, he issomething.
So my friend is single gettingall these messages.
This loser is still married,still married to this.
Um, nice woman sharing all thechildren and all of that.
(21:59):
She's also pretty well awarethat this stuff has happened
with my friend and other womenthrough the years.
And I don't know how you keep astraight face around somebody
like that, but my friend somehowmanages to do it.
I'm like, do you ever want tojust like blow that up?
Like come on, stop.
But there's just, the guyobviously has a lot of issues
(22:22):
and it's probably just notworth, you know, disrupting life
over something that can justeasily be ignored, but talk
about crazy.
And again, you know what,actually, as I think about it in
this instance, I don't know thatthis guy would care if my friend
was married or not.
(22:43):
He, uh, he, he knows, I don'tknow who he's friends with, but
he definitely knows ourex-husband.
And I guess what he was takingpictures of her, she was married
to him.
So yeah, I don't, I don't knowthat this guy fits that same
easy target maybe because, um, Idon't, I think he's so oblivious
and so in his own little worldand, um, just caught up in, uh,
(23:06):
his lust for my friend.
I don't really think he cares ifshe's an easy target or not.
He just, he is just obsessed.
I mean, my friends has aboyfriend now and he even knows
about it and it's just like soridiculous.
And so not worth wasting efforton that.
(23:27):
They, they just ignore it andthat's, that's their choice.
And I can't say I blame'em um, Imean, you could have all sorts
of fun with that.
We talked about that too.
Like, I mean, what would it belike just to send him some
random back, but then yeah, Iguess you run that risk of his
wife thinking that you'reperpetuating it and that's
probs, not a good idea, but Imean, how messed up people are,
(23:50):
people are just really weird.
So I mean, what are we to makeof all of this nonsense?
A lot of it is just nonsense.
I mean, I, I think my biggesttakeaway for myself and for all
of you, single people listeningis try not to take this stuff
personal, right?
(24:10):
Like I do really believe thereis an element to this, that we
are easy targets simply becausewe are unattached.
We are not married, makes us alittle bit, um, less complicated
, um, and maybe more alluring insome way to married people.
If you are listening as a newlysingle person and are looking
(24:35):
for a little takeaway or alittle piece of advice, um, it,
it would be this just be aware,this is rampant.
Like I said, this is verynormal.
This is, uh, very common stuffto go through that you will get
approached by an old boyfriendor a girlfriend.
(24:56):
Someone you went to school witha coworker, someone in your life
will take heed that you aresingle and, uh, will undoubtedly
reach out to you in one way oranother.
And, um, it, it has less to dowith you and the vibe that
you're putting out and yourcharacter and your morals as it,
(25:17):
as it has about them.
Right.
So don't feel bad about it.
Just, uh, just shut it down,man.
That's my advice.
And then if, or I guess to allmy married friends listening,
, if you are in anunhealthy and unhappy marriage
are considering separation ordivorce, just wait, just wait to
(25:43):
reach out to that single personthat you've had your eye on.
I mean, in all, honestly,they'll probably still be there.
a few months, maybe afew years from now.
It's tough out here.
It's tough.
And, uh, and yeah, better to dothings right.
And wait it out than to makethings more messy and more
(26:06):
complicated for everyone at theend of your marriage.
So there you go.
There's my, there's my littletips and advice.
Thanks so much for listening toepisode 53, easy targets.
I so appreciate each and everyone of you.
And as always, if you arelooking for a way to support the
show, I would just ask that youshare it with a friend and, uh,
(26:29):
keep the podcast growing.
So up next on episode 54, I amgoing to do something kind of
creative.
This episode's been on my mindfor a long time.
I am going to use some lyricsfrom some country songs that are
on a playlist of Laney's that Ilisten to with her and, uh,
(26:53):
relate them to how I, I wishthat I felt in a dating
relationship.
Hope that makes sense.
It, it will.
I promise it'll come together.
Welcome to man shopping with Stacy, where I
share my real transparent datingand life experiences for your
amusement and inspiration.
You're listening to episode 53easy targets.
In this episode, I'm going totalk about how we as single
people are often easy targetsfor married people to hit on, to
(00:26):
hit up online to proposition, totry to entangle into an affair
I'll begin.
Like I usually do with my ownpersonal stories, examples of
how I've been hit on by marriedmen and how I handled it and how
I felt throughout it and all ofthat.
But then I'm going to get to thereally pertinent stuff.
(00:50):
The reason that I'm recordingthis episode is that I've had
two different female friendsreach out to me with their
stories of being easy targets.
Their stories are very unique.
And aside from just sharing withyou, what they've been through
and experienced, I really wantto be able to convey how they
(01:16):
handled everything emotionally,or are still kind of, um,
cycling through their emotionsand dealing with the fallout of
their individual experiences.
I'm just gonna go ahead andstart by saying, I really blame
(01:38):
Facebook personally, for so muchof this behavior.
I'm joking, but I'm not.
I mean, my first story is soironic.
Um, my first marriage ended fora lot of legitimate reasons, but
the final nail in the coffin wasthis emotional affair, uh, that
(01:59):
existed throughout my marriage.
And, um, ironically after I wasseparated and going through my
divorce, I created my veryfirst, you know, Facebook
account.
And I hadn't been on Facebookfor very long before a high
school friend of mine reachedout and, you know, we hadn't
(02:24):
spoken in 10 years, 10 plusyears.
I was, um, about 30 years oldand he reached out, oh my gosh,
you know, so great to see you onhere.
Kind of brought me up to speedon his life.
It looked to me as though he wasmarried and he was in the
military and he told me that hewas getting ready to, um, go
(02:48):
overseas for some amount oftime.
And, um, you know, what, whatstarted off with just a couple
of old, like high school friends, um, you know, catching up,
ended up being this propositionby him asking me if I would
basically be his, um, pen P
(03:12):
first of all, because I hadn'teven spoken to him for 10 years.
Um, but secondly, I was like,dude, you're married.
Like what, what do you need mefor?
Uh, no.
So I distinctly remembermessaging him back and being
like, I just got out of amarriage because behavior like
this was going on, emotionalaffairs hurt just as deeply as
(03:37):
sexual affairs.
And I did not want to haveanything to do with that.
So that was kind of my, I mean,talk about like being thrown to
the wolves you get on Facebookand that's immediately what
starts happening.
Um, nothing really has changedover the years.
I had another guy that I haddated when I was young.
(03:58):
He reached out to me, uh, after,again, being on Facebook, not
for very long.
And he lived outta state, helived in the south and he
reached out and was like, oh, Itraveled to Kansas city a lot.
We should definitely go todinner and catch up.
And I was like, you, I wouldlove to go to dinner with you,
(04:18):
but you are married with threechildren.
Horrible idea.
Because we had dated, we, I meanlike no Uhuh, those, those
feelings, although, you know,they were long in the past would
most certainly I thought creepback up in the presence of one
(04:40):
another because we had thatchemistry and, and history.
So absolutely freaking not, noturned him down.
So I'm sure those are a coupleof very relatable examples that
a lot of you have dealt with.
It does beg the question.
If I was married, my husband wasin my profile picture with me.
Would those two guys have felt,um, so eager to like meet me out
(05:05):
to dinner?
I, I just can't imagine like my,the guy that I had dated, you
know, saying, oh, I come toKansas city because of work
travel.
Let's go to dinner.
Would you really done that?
If I was married?
My guess is no, I'm an easytarget because I was a young
single mom living in a citythat, you know, he could escape
(05:27):
his regular life and come seeme, but Hey, guess what?
That's my real life.
down to have an affair.
Thank you very much.
Um, a recent, more recentexample since my second divorce,
I had a guy that I had dated,um, before my second marriage
(05:51):
and we, we hadn't dated much.
It was a pretty casual littledating relationship.
We had never had sex oranything.
We just dated a little bit.
And there was always this likedecent level of interest that we
both had for one another.
So again, on Facebook, hereached out to me and said, you
know, we should go to coffee andcatch up.
He complimented how great Ilooked, uh, gave me his phone
(06:14):
number.
And I was like, uh, I have toask.
I mean, I can see your post.
I, and it was a littleambiguous.
Like, it can be hard to tellwhen, especially when men don't
post for, or people in general,don't post that often.
Um, I was like, Hey, I'velearned that I need to ask this.
Like, are you married?
And he basically said, yeah, butyeah, but we've been struggling
(06:40):
for a long time going through alot of hard stuff, you know,
considering separation, blah,blah, blah.
And I'm like, no, no, we can'tgo to coffee.
Like figure your life out.
Don't why are you messing withme?
Like go to coffee with your wifeand figure out if you wanna be
(07:00):
married or not like, no, come onpeople.
And he was super persistent.
Like I'm a polite person,probably too much.
So in situations like that, andI messaged back and forth with
him, like turning him down likefour different times.
Like, um, again, no, I'm notgonna see you.
This is what I think.
And he'd be like, well, whatabout no?
(07:23):
Um, and so again, just anotherFacebook example of how this
stuff happens.
My last little share for you isalso more recent and it was on
Instagram.
I mean, look how we've evolved.
Now we get DMed on Instagramtoo.
So we have multiple platforms.
I mean, I've been, I've beenapproached on LinkedIn several
(07:45):
times as well, but you know,that's not quite the norm.
So on Instagram, I actuallymessaged the married guy first.
I didn't think he was married.
So it was somebody I didn't knowvery well again, from my past it
, it felt comfortable.
He was like posting, liking,watching all my stories.
(08:08):
Oh, giving me all the signs thathe was pretty into me.
And I mean, I, I can beaggressive sometimes.
So I reached out to him, oh mygosh, haven't seen you for so
long, blah, blah, blah.
And, um, he responded rightaway, like cute little message
back and forth a couple times,um, told me, you know, he also
(08:31):
lived lives out of state and waslike, Hey, if you ever come to
my city, like let's grab drinks.
It would be so fun.
And I was like, oh my gosh,like, I would love that.
And then I did my due diligenceand I said, Hey, to do this, but
I just ha like, you know, a girlcan't be too sure.
Like you're not married.
Right.
(08:51):
Like you you're divorced.
Right.
Kind of asked it like that.
And he was like, oh, Ooh, no,not so much.
Like, you know, again kind ofgave me the whole, the whole,
uh, song and dance of like, Ooh,we've, you know, things have not
been good for some time, blah,blah, blah.
And I was like, um, yeah, I, soyou're not even separated.
(09:16):
And he said, probably this wasthis, this quote will never
leave my mind.
Probably not.
As far as, along as you wouldlike me to be.
And I was like, that means youare married and sleeping in bed
next to your wife every night.
(09:36):
Uh, yeah, just frustrating.
Right?
Just annoying.
Frustrating.
That one was my fault.
I mean, I kind of walked rightinto it, but, um, but shut it
down.
I shut it down, you know, butI'm like, how would his wife be
if she was like, Hm.
Like, we're not getting alongvery well.
So now I'm gonna Snoop on yourInstagram and read your DMS and
(09:57):
who the, who is this chick inKansas city.
And, oh, we're not doing wellnews to me.
I mean, you know how this goesso easy to get caught.
So easy to misbehave, so easy,like easy targets.
That's what we're talking aboutpeople.
So that's about as exciting asmy married guy situations get,
(10:19):
um, because I would have to do awhole nother episode, which
maybe I will one day aboutdating while we're separated.
Um, cause that's not what we'retalking about here.
We are talking about married,married, married, people,
getting involved with us, singlepeople, divorces, finalized.
That's what we're talking about.
(10:40):
Okay.
So I am going to now tell astory of a friend.
Um, she shared some, some prettyexplicit details with me and
asked me to share them with allof you.
So here we go.
So to kind of set the stage, Ihave to tell you, this friend of
mine has been, um, divorced acouple of times.
(11:01):
She had been in a really toxicdating relationship that had
just ended.
So she's a little vulnerable,right?
Have to admit that littlevulnerable, just getting out of
a really bad toxic, um,unhealthy relationship.
And guess what she received aFacebook message.
Mm-hmm
(11:22):
Uh huh.
Um, so she received a Facebookmessage from a guy that she grew
up going to school with and, youknow, go figure.
She had always had a really bigcrush on him, lifelong crush,
and actually had not seen himsince they were teenagers
because I don't remember one orboth of them had moved to
different schools.
(11:43):
So this was a very like young,early crush because they did not
even complete high schooltogether.
So he messaged her her and saidthat he had been, he was at his
parents' house, um, here inKansas city.
He lives, um, in the south,married with a couple of kids
he's in, at his parents' houseand going through some of his
(12:07):
old stuff and ran across somephotos of the two of them
together.
And he basically just said, Igotten also sentimental.
I haven't been here for so long.
It would be so cool to hang outwith you.
Like, would you wanna grab abite to eat while I'm in town
sometime she's like, uh, yeah, Iwould harmless, um, you know,
(12:33):
just very polite, very platonicinvite.
Um, she didn't get any strangevibes or anything and she was
just, you know, like so many ofus just very curious to, to see
what he's up to.
Right?
So they went on a platonicdinner date where everything was
above board, so much fun,catching up reminiscing about
(12:58):
life.
Um, and it went great withnothing weird happening at all.
They exchanged phone numbersbecause he was gonna be in town
for a while and maybe they wouldcatch up with some of their
other friends.
Um, the next, the next night shewas hanging out at a bar with
some friends watching a footballgame and he texted her and guess
(13:23):
how his text started out.
We have all been here.
We've I I've been guilty ofthis.
I've received these types ofmessages.
He was basically like, oh dude,this is such a bad idea.
I have had a few drinks and Iknow better.
I should not be texting you, butI can't help myself.
You know, Hey, are you out?
Basically was what he sent.
(13:45):
And she's like, oh you.
I am.
I'm also having drinks with myfriends.
You see how this works?
We, I, I totally get it.
I totally feel I, he reached outto her for a reason.
Obviously he's interested.
She accepted because ouch,there's just this little like
(14:05):
crush that never went away andgetting attention from someone
after a bad breakup, it's hardto avoid, you know?
And so they text back and forthand he basically is like, I want
you, like, we should gettogether.
And because they're both fueledup with liquor, you know, things
(14:25):
got a little sexy in themessages.
And then my friend pulled theplug and was like, you know
what, no, you're married.
This is not happening.
I am going home alone tonight.
Thank you very much.
And the next day she woke up andwas just, just utterly disgusted
(14:52):
by the whole situation she feltas though this friend of hers
that she had always adored andcrushed on.
She felt like he must think likeshe was so easy.
You know, all he has to do isfly into town, call her up, go
(15:15):
out to dinner once.
And then like, she would just,you know, be so enamored with
him that she would go to bedwith him.
So this situation made her feelreally bad about herself.
She didn't even follow throughyou guys.
She didn't even sleep with him.
She didn't even say yes, but itmade her feel really low and
(15:42):
made her doubt, her own likemoral compass and made her just
feel real.
And so she called me that dayand I just listened and I'm
like, oh my gosh, but it's, it'snot you.
It's not your fault.
Like we all have had these typesof situations occur throughout
(16:06):
our lives, or most of us have.
And, I just hated it for thatare made her feel bad.
And that's when I startedthinking and I told her dude,
you're just an easy target.
First of all, you're hot.
Like she's really beautiful,really attractive.
She has a great job.
She has a great life.
She's, you know, putting it allout there on social media
(16:29):
because she's this married, butlonely shell of a guy, you know,
sees her brightness, you know,on social media and whatever,
and is attracted to it.
Like you can't blame the poorschmuck for wanting a piece of
you.
Right.
(16:49):
But don't make that.
Don't let that, let him make youfeel bad about yourself.
You're an easy target.
That's what I told her.
I'm like, you're, you're single.
Like if you were married, theodds of him reaching out to you
in the same way are so low.
(17:09):
Like it's just so much riskierreaching out online to another
married person.
I know it happens.
I talked to several of mymarried friends before recording
this episode.
I'm gonna avoid all of thosestories.
Like maybe I'll do another,like, I don't know why I would
do another podcast just aboutmarried people, cheating with
other married people thatdoesn't make a lot of sense for
(17:32):
this platform.
I know it happens.
I know it's rampant.
I've seen it go down.
It's so many sales meetings, um,for work over the course of
time.
Um, just as one little, youknow, example, but I it's just,
it's not, I feel like althoughthat happens and plenty of
coworkers and plenty ofneighbors and plenty of parents,
(17:55):
of children who are friends,plenty of those people have
affairs.
I get it.
That happens every day.
But I feel like we as singlepeople, my whole point in this
episode, we are easier targetsbecause we're unattached and,
uh, just makes us easy pray by,by married people.
And she was a victim of this.
And I guess what I want toconvey to all of you is, I mean,
(18:21):
she made the right decision,right.
At the end of the day, she wastempted, but she made the right
decision.
And I, I just don't think thatshe should feel shame and guilt,
um, because he was attracted toher or as she was obviously
attracted back.
(18:41):
Right.
But there's no reason to carryshame and guilt.
Um, and again, I'm just gonnause this old excuse.
We're easy targets, cuz we justare.
And you know, that conversationended up evolving into, you
know, this is hard.
It's hard being single later inlife.
It's hard that such a bigpercentage of the population are
(19:04):
married.
You know, this was a guy that ifhe was single, like really, oh I
mean they, they totally would,would make a great couple, you
know, but he's, but he's justnot.
And so the struggle is real.
And we went on to talk aboutthat.
You know, we wanna be made tofeel desired and sexy and
(19:24):
wanted, but not by married men.
Okay.
So this next situation that I'mgonna share with you is all
about being wanted lust, sexporn, dirty messages, O M G my
friend has, um, been through itall with this guy.
(19:48):
So my friend is friends withanother lady, another mom, their
children go to school together,hang out together.
They're part of the same socialcircles.
Back when my friend was married,um, her other married mom friend
was like, oh my gosh, you'regonna be in Boston at a
(20:11):
conference at the same time asmy husband.
Right.
They're all friends, they're allmarried.
People hanging out together.
You guys should totally hangout.
And so this woman likefacilitated my friend, getting
together with her own husband inanother city.
Okay.
So, so they do they're at thesame place at the same time.
(20:31):
My friend is, um, in town atthis, at, at this conference.
And her first interaction withthis guy away from his wife was
her coworker.
My friend's coworker told herthat he was taking pictures of
(20:52):
her when she was turned awayfrom him.
I'm not kidding.
So that was her first inklingthat maybe this guy's kind of,
uh, kind of into, uh, into her.
So that's how this got started.
And this was several years ago,my friend is now divorced and
(21:13):
she told me ever since then, andup until like yesterday, not
joking about once a month, shegets messages from this guy,
text messages, emails.
He sends her porn.
He sends her links to stuff.
(21:35):
He tells her that he's hungryfor her.
He, um, he's something, he issomething.
So my friend is single gettingall these messages.
This loser is still married,still married to this.
Um, nice woman sharing all thechildren and all of that.
(21:59):
She's also pretty well awarethat this stuff has happened
with my friend and other womenthrough the years.
And I don't know how you keep astraight face around somebody
like that, but my friend somehowmanages to do it.
I'm like, do you ever want tojust like blow that up?
Like come on, stop.
But there's just, the guyobviously has a lot of issues
(22:22):
and it's probably just notworth, you know, disrupting life
over something that can justeasily be ignored, but talk
about crazy.
And again, you know what,actually, as I think about it in
this instance, I don't know thatthis guy would care if my friend
was married or not.
(22:43):
He, uh, he, he knows, I don'tknow who he's friends with, but
he definitely knows ourex-husband.
And I guess what he was takingpictures of her, she was married
to him.
So yeah, I don't, I don't knowthat this guy fits that same
easy target maybe because, um, Idon't, I think he's so oblivious
and so in his own little worldand, um, just caught up in, uh,
(23:06):
his lust for my friend.
I don't really think he cares ifshe's an easy target or not.
He just, he is just obsessed.
I mean, my friends has aboyfriend now and he even knows
about it and it's just like soridiculous.
And so not worth wasting efforton that.
(23:27):
They, they just ignore it andthat's, that's their choice.
And I can't say I blame'em um, Imean, you could have all sorts
of fun with that.
We talked about that too.
Like, I mean, what would it belike just to send him some
random back, but then yeah, Iguess you run that risk of his
wife thinking that you'reperpetuating it and that's
probs, not a good idea, but Imean, how messed up people are,
(23:50):
people are just really weird.
So I mean, what are we to makeof all of this nonsense?
A lot of it is just nonsense.
I mean, I, I think my biggesttakeaway for myself and for all
of you, single people listeningis try not to take this stuff
personal, right?
(24:10):
Like I do really believe thereis an element to this, that we
are easy targets simply becausewe are unattached.
We are not married, makes us alittle bit, um, less complicated
, um, and maybe more alluring insome way to married people.
If you are listening as a newlysingle person and are looking
(24:35):
for a little takeaway or alittle piece of advice, um, it,
it would be this just be aware,this is rampant.
Like I said, this is verynormal.
This is, uh, very common stuffto go through that you will get
approached by an old boyfriendor a girlfriend.
(24:56):
Someone you went to school witha coworker, someone in your life
will take heed that you aresingle and, uh, will undoubtedly
reach out to you in one way oranother.
And, um, it, it has less to dowith you and the vibe that
you're putting out and yourcharacter and your morals as it,
(25:17):
as it has about them.
Right.
So don't feel bad about it.
Just, uh, just shut it down,man.
That's my advice.
And then if, or I guess to allmy married friends listening,
are considering separation ordivorce, just wait, just wait to
(25:43):
reach out to that single personthat you've had your eye on.
I mean, in all, honestly,they'll probably still be there.
It's tough out here.
It's tough.
And, uh, and yeah, better to dothings right.
And wait it out than to makethings more messy and more
(26:06):
complicated for everyone at theend of your marriage.
So there you go.
There's my, there's my littletips and advice.
Thanks so much for listening toepisode 53, easy targets.
I so appreciate each and everyone of you.
And as always, if you arelooking for a way to support the
show, I would just ask that youshare it with a friend and, uh,
(26:29):
keep the podcast growing.
So up next on episode 54, I amgoing to do something kind of
creative.
This episode's been on my mindfor a long time.
I am going to use some lyricsfrom some country songs that are
on a playlist of Laney's that Ilisten to with her and, uh,
(26:53):
relate them to how I, I wishthat I felt in a dating
relationship.
Hope that makes sense.
It, it will.
I promise it'll come together.
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