September 23, 2022 • 45 mins
This episode is all about red flags - how to spot them and how to respond to them. I share my own stories of red flags from my past as well as from my current dating life.
To begin, I talk about little pink flags- early flags that have popped up when I've just been texting or getting to know someone before a first date. A guy that I got to know early in 2020 is a great example. Some of the flags that bothered me:
- Texting too frequently
- Sharing every detail of daily life
- Talking too much about their work( instead of getting to know one another)
- Talking negatively about their job
Then, I share some examples of red flags from my more recent dating life:
- Being unkind/rude to hostess, waitress, bar tender, valet, etc.
- Looking at a dating app while on a date.
- Being distracted by their phone while on the date (without explanation).
- They're currently in a toxic situation with an ex and they share details
- Signs of substance abuse and addiction
- Use of drugs/alcohol that doesn't align with your lifestyle
- Lying
- Love bombing - Identifying when it's genuine & authentic V a red flag
- Consuming all of your time
- Isolating you from friends/family
- Jealousy - of any relationship we have, including our children
- Feelings of being controlled or unfairly accused
- Moving uncomfortably fast
- Being critical of you (especially your appearance or things you can't change)
I think time is crucial in deciphering flags from isolated, insignificant behaviors. Paying attention to actions (not only words) over the course of weeks and months will help us decide if we're seeing red flags that necessitate a break up. Pay attention to what is right in front of your face and recognize that is who you are choosing- not their potential.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to man shopping with Stacy, where I
share my real transparent datingand life experiences for your
amusement and inspiration.
You are listening to episode 55red flags.
If you are like me and you'vebeen divorced, maybe you have
spent some time contemplating.
(00:23):
Why didn't I see the red flags?
Why didn't I notice them payattention to them and act on
them?
When I met my ex, well, we allknow why, because we were
smitten.
We were in love.
We were young, dumb, naive,whatever it was, we all have our
excuses.
(00:44):
And if you're also like me now,and you're back out in the
dating world, you are hell benton spotting.
These things and some ofus, well, some of us are better
than others and some of us liketo learn the hard way, and some
of us have repeated the samemistakes over and over again.
So this episode very clearly isall about red flags.
(01:12):
It makes sense to me to startoff by talking about like little
pink flags, you know, early redflags.
Maybe when we are texting,getting to know someone talking
on the phone or setting up orgoing on initial dates, a pretty
clear example comes to my mindof this guy that I call Freddie
(01:33):
Kruger because most ofhis, like his dating profile,
pick his LinkedIn, pick hisFacebook pick.
We're all taken in this likerugby, striped red and black
sweater, same photo, all of theplatforms called him Fred Kruger
for it.
So anyway, Fred Kruger, he, um,I met him very early in the year
(01:57):
of 2020.
So he lived in a different cityand we were just getting to know
each other through chatting on adating app.
And then we exchanged phonenumbers and texted, and we had
one measly phone conversation.
And I don't know, you could takethis as a flag.
Maybe it was just an annoyance,but clearly we both were working
(02:21):
from home and had more time onour hands than normal.
But this guy, this guy seemed tobe using all of his free time to
message me.
And I've joked about him acouple of times, but seriously,
it was something like this.
I went outside with 10 bags ofmulch and put it in the front
(02:45):
bed of my house.
And then a couple hours later, Ihad to, you know, pick up
another load of mulch and putthat on the side of the house.
And then I worked for a coupleof hours and ate a sandwich for
lunch and worked out andshowered and, you know,
(03:09):
scratched my and took a nap.
I'm like, please, for the loveof God, spare me the details.
So clearly, like it wasirritating.
It was annoying.
I didn't like hearing about hisevery, you know, detail of his
every day.
I didn't know him.
Um, but more than just beinglike annoyed, it was a flag.
(03:34):
Like, do you have anyone else totalk to that might care about
some of this more than I do, orare you really like that boring
or maybe it was just amatter of like a lack of self
awareness, right?
And that's a flag to me.
I don't wanna be with someonethat, you know, first of all
(03:55):
spends their, every wakingmoment giving me status updates
or like that doesn't recognizemaybe he should just keep some
of that stuff to himself,whatever the case may be.
Little pink flags.
Right.
Furthermore, when I did finallyget this guy on the phone, Ooh,
(04:15):
I just remembered something.
He refused to FaceTime me.
So that's a flag.
I know that FaceTiming is noteveryone's cup of tea.
We're kind of all exhausted byzooms.
And some people are more put offby it than others, but this was
at the beginning of thepandemic.
And that was the only way, uh,we were going to meet each other
(04:37):
and he refused to do it.
And that was definitely a flag,especially because he wasn't, he
didn't exactly have a lot ofphotos out there for me to
really see what he looked like.
And let's be real.
That's kind of the name of thegame.
When you first meet someoneonline, you kinda kind of have
to see some pictures to, uh,kinda, I don't know, figure out
(04:58):
if you're into'em a little bit,that's a piece of it.
Right.
And I had a plethora of picturesout, so it seemed just a little
unfair to me.
So I settled for a phone calland I guess I wasn't surprised
at all that he was a drag on thephone.
So not a lot to say inconversation.
And he was a complainer.
That's a flag.
(05:18):
I mean, if you can't put yourbest foot forward on an initial
phone conversation with someonethat you're hoping to hit it off
with impress, however you wannasay it, then, you know, going to
the conversation, thinking of afew things that you have in
common that you wanna talk aboutor ask about or whatever.
But what he did was hecomplained a lot.
And one of the big topics of hiscomplaints was his job.
(05:43):
And so he spent a decent amountof time complaining that his
company had been bought out andhe wasn't happy with the new
company and blah, blah, blah,which one is a boring
conversation to have withsomeone that you're trying to,
you know, know, uh, feelsomething for, or spark some
sort of romantic connection withwork is not the best topic, you
(06:04):
know, to find that sort ofcommon ground.
And then also it was justnegative in general.
And I, I think it's a really badidea when you're first getting
to know someone.
I mean, we all go there and haveour bad days and all of that,
but I mean, our first phoneconversation was just him
complaining about his workenvironment.
And again, that should have beensaved for someone other than me.
(06:26):
That's how I saw it anyway.
So those are a few flags, right?
Moving on to some of the redflags that people talk
frequently about in regards tolike first dates.
I mean the most obvious, likelow hanging fruit is when
someone is rude to the hostess,the bartender, the waiter, the
(06:51):
waitress, the valet, right?
That's just a bad sign whenpeople don't treat people in the
service industry.
Well, they are typically, youknow.
I think there's a lot of truthin that.
In fact, I had gone on a coupleof dates with a guy that I had
some reservations about and oneof my reservations, um, call it
(07:14):
a flag I guess, was that I feltlike his crowd was just a little
faster than mine.
If that makes sense.
like his friends werequite a bit younger.
His ex-girlfriend was muchyounger than me.
He was actually several yearsolder than me.
Um, but he just hung out with ayoung crowd kind of like out,
(07:36):
you know, late at night, notexactly living the type of
lifestyle that I live because healso didn't have any children.
So trying not to judge him forany of those things.
I remained open minded until oneof the tipping points.
One of the big red flags wasthat a friend of mine had
spotted him and his crew out andthey were being rude to the
(08:04):
valet and she saw it.
And I was like, yeah, no, like Ido not wanna be associated with
people who are, you know, meanrude, not kind, those, aren't my
kind of people we're not gonnamesh well because I don't live
like that.
And I don't wanna be aroundpeople who do another story that
(08:26):
I heard about a red flag on adate.
In fact, it was a girlfriend ofmine asking a couple of us,
other single ladies, ourthoughts on this, she was on a
first date after a lot of, youknow, early on communication.
Uh, first or second date, theguy picked her up.
He was in her driveway.
(08:49):
Um, I think he texted when hearrived.
I mean, honestly, I, I think heshould have gone up to the front
door, rang the doorbell.
Like a gentleman walked her tothe car, opened the door for
her, but that's not what he did.
He was sitting in his car.
And when she got in the car, hehad a dating app pulled up and
(09:14):
she saw it.
So of course she assumed that hewas sitting there chatting with
someone else on the dating appwhile she was finishing up,
getting ready and coming out tohis car.
I mean, yeah, that's, that's aflag and you know, some of us
(09:35):
would be more sensitive to thatthan others probably dependent
on a lot of things.
How much time had we invested inthis person?
I mean, honestly, how much do welike'em our feelings are more
likely to get hurt if we'repretty into'em, that's hurtful
to know that they're talking toother people, even if we're not
(09:55):
exclusive yet.
And then there's just the basicetiquette of all of it.
It's just rude, you know, to begoing on a date with someone and
communicating with someone elseduring the date.
And I think that it is all toocommon.
I know it happens.
And then of course, there's justbeen distracted by our phones in
(10:17):
general.
Is that a flag or is it just anannoyance when someone is on
their phone a lot, you know, Ifind myself saying out loud,
oftentimes, Hey, I'm gonna checkin with my daughter, you know,
or gimme just a second.
I need to see, you know, blah,blah, blah, if my puppy's being
(10:39):
taken care of or this or that.
Um, but I, I, I definitely thinkit's rude when people are
distracted by their phones, butyou know, is it considered a red
flag?
I think it could be.
I think it could be an extremesituations, right?
Some of the bigger red flags, ifyou will, that I hear about and
(10:59):
have experienced on my own onfirst dates would be talking
about their ex excessively.
So I've done this, I've beenaccused of this.
I've also been on the receivingend of this a lot.
Is it a flag?
Does it mean that the person isstill obsessed with their ex or
(11:24):
not healed yet?
Not over their ex or is itcommon ground?
Is the fact that, you know, thetwo of you or two of us are both
divorced and that's something wehave in common to talk about.
Um, it, it could be perceived amillion different ways and I've
(11:44):
debated it and talked about itin a lot of different podcasts.
I think that it's a red flagwhen it's an incredibly toxic
situation that the person isstill in.
That is, that's a red flag.
It's only a red flag.
If you are trying to build arelationship with that person,
in my opinion, if it's just adate, it's just a date.
(12:07):
If you're not vested, it doesn'tmatter that person's not your
problem.
But if you were looking towardthis data views, that's, you
know, in a very complicated,toxic situation with their ex
and you're looking to begin arelationship or get emotionally
attached, definitely be a redflag because their concerns and
(12:31):
their emotional trauma becobecomes yours.
You know, when, when you becomea couple.
So, I mean, that's a tough one.
So I guess I consider that redflag to be circumstantial.
It just is as are a lot of these hang with me here.
(12:53):
So, um, another really commonthing that I've heard a lot
about, I really haven'texperienced it too much.
Myself is the red flag of abuseor addiction abusing alcohol
substances, drugs, um, oractually being, you know, having
(13:15):
an addiction to something.
So I've heard, you know, storiesthat I consider to be kind of
funny.
Sometimes of people showing upreally ed up on the first date,
like super drunk slurring words,you know, not able to hold
conversations.
I think, um, sometimes it'sfunny and sometimes it's really
sad and at the heart of all ofit, it's probs a lot more sad
(13:40):
than funny, right?
Either people are, you know,abusing substances, alcohol,
whatever their choice is beforea date, because they're, um,
scared, they're nervous, they'reanxious, they're insecure, um,
or that's just how they live.
And so that's how they show upto a lot of things.
(14:02):
So, um, sometimes it's reallyblatant like that.
And sometimes it's not, I had amale friend of mine tell what we
consider to be kind of a funnystory on an earlier podcast from
season one about how he showedup to a very first date.
And the woman actually wasfollowed into the restaurant
(14:23):
and, and got a DUI.
Like they did a field sobriety.
They, they pulled her out of therestaurant to do the field
sobriety test in the parking lotbecause she was absolutely
inebriated.
Um, and it was told in a funnylight and I mean, what are the
odds?
You know, it was kind of justone of those.
Here we go.
Like we're out in the datingworld and that's the kind of we
(14:44):
have to deal with seriously.
Um, so that was like an extremeexample, but I've heard a lot,
I've heard a lot of stories ofpeople, you know, showing up to
introduce themselves, you know,with like definitely not their
best foot forward becausethey're, they're messed up and
it's sad, but it happens a lot.
(15:05):
And then, you know, someone likeme coming out of, um, a marriage
with a man who suffered fromaddiction, I am incredibly
guarded, like very, very, veryhigh alert watching for issues.
Um, on every single date Ilisten, I pay attention.
(15:25):
I watch, I know that actions arelouder than words.
And so I, I just, I'm a stickleron it.
And I also have a teenagedaughter that I'm trying to
provide a very, um, good exampleon how I live my life.
And so my moral compass, likepoints in very clear directions
(15:50):
to me on this topic.
So I'm not a prude.
I'm not like, I mean, I drink, Ihave fun.
I'm, you know, I'm prettyeasygoing about most things.
And then I know where my firmboundaries are and my firm
boundaries have been tested.
(16:11):
They've been tested coupledifferent times with a couple
different guys and I haveliterally ended early on, but
I've ended relationships becauseour lifestyles don't align and
it typically, you know, comesdown to, um, alcohol and or drug
use.
That's uncovered over the courseof time, frequency of all of
(16:36):
that.
Um, all, all of that comes upand I know I'm not the only one.
And I know it's not just becauseI came out of a marriage with
addiction that I'm supersensitive.
I think I'd be sensitive to allof that anyway.
Um, but I listen and when peopletell me, you know, I've had a
DUI or okay, like that couldhappened to me.
Like I'm not, I, I'm verycognizant of, um, making poor
(17:00):
choices, you know, here andthere.
And then I also recognize thelifestyle difference and the
habitual mistakes anddifferences and the behaviors of
people, um, consistently overthe course of time, you know,
show up all those little flagscan add up and, and, and
(17:21):
relationships.
So I think drugs and alcohol,it's a big reason why marriage
is end, uh, very well knownfact.
And I'm talking all sorts ofaddiction, gambling, porn, um,
drugs, alcohol opioids, youknow, all of that is like so
sadly common.
(17:41):
And so there are plenty of usdivorced people running around
with, um, you know, know,addictions that we haven't
sought help for or treatment orbeen rehabilitated from.
So it's just, it's sad, buttrue.
And it's definitely something,uh, that I watch for red flags
and I have no troublecommunicating when I'm
(18:06):
uncomfortable.
And when ultimately we are justnot a good fit because we live
differently.
Um, and I've chosen to have veryclear conversations with two men
now that it's just not gonnawork out because I'm very
sensitive about this.
I put it on myself.
I am, it's my, my issue.
(18:26):
I'm sensitive about this.
I'm not comfortable.
I'm not comfortable for mydaughter.
And so, uh, we're done here,period.
End of story.
Right?
Boundaries people still learningthem as, I guess a lot of you
are too.
Probably how about this one fora red flag?
Just lying.
(18:48):
They just lie.
I mean, I can't say that I'veexperienced this a lot, but I
sure did experience it in onerelationship in particular,
pretty much the only guy that Iconsider to have been in a
relationship with after mysecond marriage lied to me
(19:10):
consistently, we're talking flattires, flat tire, oh, it got a
flat tire, a flat tire that tookall day to fix a flat tire that
kept us from an important event,a flat tire that like, for some
reason, I couldn't drive to thedealership to pick him up and
(19:32):
Ubers.
All of a sudden don't exist likethat type of flat tire lie.
Um, so obvious, absolutelyobvious.
And when this guy told me thisflat lie, flat lie was,
it was a flat out lie, the, uh,flat tire story that kept us
from our important event that wewere going to go to.
(19:53):
Uh, you know what I did, I, Ijust acted like he didn't lie to
me.
I knew it was a lie.
Like I told, I told like fourpeople that day.
Okay, look, he called me.
He said that he ran over a flattire this morning.
He's been at the car dealershipfor we're looking at hours.
Now he won't let me pick him up.
(20:15):
He doesn't wanna rent a car orget an Uber.
So we're not going to said eventtoday.
I'm not stupid.
I know he lied to me, but withhim, this was the guy that I
just ignored his lies.
Um, I took note that they didn'tgo away.
(20:37):
Um, I chose to go, okay.
Because I, I knew him prettywell.
And I felt like maybe therehere's me making an excuse was a
good reason, like somethingchanged.
And he didn't feel comfortabletelling me what circumstances
had changed.
And so he made up this stupidlie.
(20:59):
So I just let him off the hook.
I chose to let him off the hookuntil the lies and the red flags
just kept stacking up.
Right.
So, um, lying.
Here's a, here's a really goodone.
Same day, two big, huge doozylies came out of this guy and
(21:19):
the exact same day.
So it was a wedding that was theevent that we missed.
We missed a wedding.
Um, but we went to thereception.
So see how easy it is to go, oh,it's fine.
Like, obviously somethinghappened and we're not gonna go
to this wedding.
And he lied, but you know what?
(21:40):
We're still gonna go to thereception.
So what ifs I'm over it.
I don't even care what drama isbehind it.
I'm just gonna go to thereception with him and have fun.
And then you guys, there's thiswhole MIS like completely
mysterious house that this guylives in.
(22:01):
So this is a situation wherethis man was not divorced.
He was separated.
I was separated.
Supposedly both working towarddivorce.
I certainly was, as I amcurrently divorced, right?
this guy not so much.
He was in some weird like limbo,open marriage.
(22:24):
I don't know.
But he told me that he had thishouse that he lived in.
So for whatever reason, over andover again, I couldn't like go
see his house.
Like we just didn't ever go tohis house.
We ended up like just, we, wewent out, we went out to dinner,
we went out to happy hour.
We went out to all sorts ofplaces.
(22:46):
He ended up eventually comingover to my place, um, on a
regular basis.
Finally, I went to his house andI mean, it was newly furnished
and not verypersonalized, but it was put
together enough in a very fakeshowy kind of way to look half
(23:11):
what?
Legitimate.
Like he might be able to staynights.
There here's another mystery.
His bedroom was completelyfurnished.
Put together, looked like heprobably stayed there.
But for some reason, his kids'bedroom doors were closed and he
flat out, refused to open thedoors.
(23:35):
You guys wanna know if you everquestion how polite Stacy weer
is?
Let me tell you how polite I am.
He gave me a tour of his house.
He said, oh, the kids' rooms arejust a disaster.
I'm not even gonna show'em toyou.
You guys come on.
I knew that there was nothingbehind those doors.
(23:55):
There was no little toddler bed.
There was no bookcase.
There was no toys behind thedoor.
There was, there was none ofthat.
Uh, his kids clearly neverstayed in that house, but I
didn't wanna out him because Iwas embarrassed for him.
Like I was seriously wasembarrassed for him.
(24:16):
I mean, he had like brand newtowels that were sitting out in
the bathroom.
I looked in the shower.
There was no kids' stuff in thebathtub.
Like it was so obvious that ifhe did ever stay in that house,
he stayed there by himself andPRS.
Not very often.
I mean, the guy was still livingat home.
Right.
I let it go.
I let it go.
(24:36):
I, I let that red flag wave,like smack me in the face.
And I just, I didn't ignore it.
I told everybody about it.
I knew he was lying.
I wasn't stupid, but I didn'thold him accountable.
So we were supposed to stay inthat house that I had seen one
time we were supposed to stay inthat house after this wedding.
(24:58):
And I mean, the second big lieof that day was that the, it was
a rental house.
The landlord had had the duckscleaned the air ducts cleaned in
this house.
And I mean, there was just somuch dust and it was so dirty
(25:22):
that there was no way that wewere going to be able to stay
there that night.
I mean, I'm no genius, but Idon't think when you have your
air ducts clean, your house isfilthy.
Afterwards.
The entire point is to purifythe air coming out of the
system.
That doesn't happen.
(25:44):
It was a stupid lie.
I knew it was completelyfabricated.
And guess what I did, I went tothat wedding reception and I
went to a hotel and I had a funnight and I didn't give a.
I didn't give a because I wasn'tcommitted to a future with him.
I knew exactly what was goingon.
(26:04):
I would, I did not have blinderson, but I chose to just not care
still didn't end.
Well, guys let's be real.
I mean, I still ended up gettinghurt in the end, but, um, I
think that's a truth about thered flags too.
Like you can be cognizant ofthem be aware.
(26:26):
I, I tried to hold myselfaccountable by telling my
friends and loved ones so thatI, cuz I have a bad history,
especially with my secondex-husband of just keeping
secrets and letting everyonethink that everything's perfect.
And so I don't do that anymore.
So when I find faults, when I'mlied to, when I'm mistreated, I
(26:47):
tell people as a way to keepmyself honest and I did all of
that with this guy, but I stilllike just kind of tucked those
flags away for a, for a whilelong enough to end up hurt, you
know, instead of just going,let's see what's behind door
number two, you know, and, and,and outing him.
(27:09):
I just didn't do it cuz I'm toopolite.
That's part of it.
Okay.
So I'm gonna move on.
How about the common, common,like phrase that's tossed around
a lot, which is like lovebombing, right?
Someone just absolutely becomesinfatuated obsessed with you,
(27:29):
loves everything about you tellsthe whole world about you tells
you how perfect and special youare right out of the gates.
I mean it sure feels good.
It feels good to be noticed.
It feels good to feelappreciated, to feel special, to
be loved or admired or adored orliked a lot early on.
(27:54):
It feels good and it can behard.
It can be hard.
I've I've, I've, I'veexperienced this a little bit
and it's hard to know if it'sgenuine, authentic, and healthy,
or if it is a red flagand you should run in the other
(28:15):
way, it can be very hard totell.
And I think about the only thingthat makes this kind of
situation clearer is time.
I think seeing how someonetreats you, you know, over the
course of weeks or months andpaying close attention to their
(28:38):
actions and not just their wordsis, um, is about the only thing
that distinguishes, you know,love bombing from actually
someone just really thinkingyou're great.
Um, and I think, you know, thedifferences would be, if someone
starts, you know, consuming allof your time, making you feel
(29:01):
like you need to be with themall the time, making you feel
like you need to be at theirbackend call, they text a lot,
they call a lot, they plan allof, you know, everything around
you and they expect the same.
You start to feel isolated fromyour friends, from your family.
You can't keep up with life withyour job.
Um, there's usually jealousyinvolved.
(29:22):
Uh, if they say they're jealousor not, maybe you can tell,
right.
Maybe they ask a couple offorward questions.
Like who was that?
Who just called make you feellike maybe you did something
wrong that you really didn't do.
Um, jealousy is a flag on itsown, you know, that we could
talk about, um, people who arejealous of, you know, your
(29:48):
friends of the opposite sex orjealous of your ex or someone
that you used to date.
I mean, let's be real, I've hadsome conversations about this
lately to like none of us wannabe compared to your ex-wife
right.
Or your ex your ex-husband oryour ex-girlfriend none of us
(30:09):
wanna be compared.
Um, oftentimes when you start todevelop feelings for someone
it's hard to listen to intimatedetails of any nature, uh,
regarding an ex, you have to besensitive about that stuff.
And I'm guilty of it.
I, I tell a lot of datingstories and stuff when I meet
people and you know, it's prettyharmless, um, when it's just a
date and then it becomes abigger issue when feelings,
(30:32):
feelings get involved feelingsget in the way, um, you know, my
ex-husband was, I mean,admittedly jealous of the, my
closeness with my daughter Laney, he was, he would say, it's you
and Laney against the world.
And I'd be like, well, I mean,yeah, kind of, um, that's
(30:53):
unhealthy, um, to be jealous ofthose relationships with your
children, that's not okay.
That's a flag, that's a flag.
Um, I didn't see that flag for awhile to be fair to myself, but
it was there, you know, um, the,the obvious flags are when they
(31:16):
don't want you to spend timewith your friends or they're,
they're not comfortable with yougoing to events without them
because they're insecure.
And I think what we really haveto pay attention to are their
intentions and their motivationsand how we feel, how we feel
matters.
(31:37):
Um, so if we feel like we arebeing controlled, if we feel
like, um, you know, we're beingaccused of things that we have
not necessarily done wrong, orif we feel as though we can't
make decisions for ourselvesanymore, that's a, those are big
(31:57):
flags, big flags.
And I think that they're prettycommon and I think they need to
be addressed like right away.
I mean, some of these red flagsare really obvious, right.
We, we know that being lied tois not okay.
That's a red flag.
I mean, if that behavior'shappening in the first couple of
(32:18):
months of dating, like, what doyou think you're in for?
Right.
We all know that we should becautious of moving too fast with
someone, but it's hard whenyou're into somebody to slow
down.
It is it's really hard,especially when the person is
really into you and wants tospend a lot of time with you.
(32:42):
We all know that it's probs, notokay to have active addictions
and, um, you know, a dangerouskind of lifestyle.
But I mean, it's kind of amazingwhat we're willing to put up
with if they're charming enoughor, you know, whatever
intriguing enough, fun enough,whatever.
(33:02):
We'll overlook a lot of things,um, in the midst of lust and
excitement of meeting someonenew.
So it's all like circumstantial,right?
And it's that fine line betweenlistening to your heart and, you
know, listening to your logicalbrain.
It's tough.
(33:23):
Red flags are hard, man.
And these were all kind of likethe obvious big ones.
And I know I haven't covered.
'em all.
There's no way I could, but boy,are there a lot more like subtle
red flags?
Like, I don't know if you guyshave ever experienced this, but
I have where someone that you'redating compliments you a lot.
(33:48):
Super sweet.
You look beautiful.
Oh, you're so pretty.
I love that dress on you.
You look great tonight.
God, you smell good.
I love, I love that lipstick onyou, whatever it is.
Lots of nice compliments, lotsof nice flattery.
And then every once in a whilethey get a weird little critical
(34:09):
jab in I've had it happen to me.
And I'm really sensitive to thattoo.
So in my second marriage, I didnot receive compliments.
I mean like ever, ever, ever, Icould probably count on one hand
in eight years, how many times Iwas genuinely complimented at
(34:34):
all, um, for my appearance, formy personality, for my food that
I made for the house that I keptfor the kids that I raised, any
of it, I just did not receivecompliments.
And it was something that I justlearned to accept as fact, and
it was hurtful and all of that,but I just lived with it.
(34:56):
Right.
But what I did, um, experienceon a regular basis was criticism
that was intended to just takeme down a notch, just something
obscure and weird about me.
Um, especially about myappearance, that, um, was a
(35:19):
turnoff or something to make meinsecure about like, you know,
when kids are being mean inschool and they'll just find
anything unusual or slight tomake fun of just to bring
somebody else down.
That's what would happen to me,me sometimes.
Like, there's, like Ihave like this kind of ugly mole
(35:41):
on the back of my neck, likeunder my hairline and my ex
hated it and would point it outall the time like that he didn't
like it, like it was ugly or itwas there.
Um, he would say things like mytoes were chubby.
I mean really like, oh, great,awesome.
Cuz I can do something aboutthat.
You know?
(36:01):
I mean, whatever it's stuff likethat, I think, you know where
I'm going with this.
So, um, so I'm kind of seeingthis guy, not that long ago and
he's so adoring and affectionateand sweet and complimentary and
it's just so like, I justhaven't experienced that a lot
in, um, you know, like a datingrelationship or whatever and I'm
(36:24):
totally, totally loving it andit's awesome.
And I feel like I'm treating himthe same way in return and then
then it happens.
And I, I seriously like, um, itwas like post traumatic stress,
like we're in conversation andhe's telling me that his kid was
(36:45):
complimenting me.
Oh my gosh.
She said the cutest things aboutyou cuz I met his kid and um,
he's like, she just thought youwere this and this.
And it was so nice.
And then he said, I mean, shesaid, you look like you're in
your thirties, in your face, butyour hands look like they're in
(37:08):
their forties.
And I'm like, what?
Really?
An eight year old said that boy,she is something she's very
perceptive.
And she is so maybe she did sayit, but why on earth?
Would you tell me that?
She said that because it'shurtful.
(37:31):
Like every woman has concernsabout things like stupid things
like your ear lobes drooping oryour knees getting wrinkly or
sun spots on your chest orwhatever.
And I was like, I mean, wheneverhe said it, I just kind of
giggled it off cuz it is, Iactually could see his daughter
(37:52):
saying that, but I, I actuallydon't think she did, but um, she
might have whatever I wishywashy.
It doesn't matter.
Why did he tell me that?
She said it.
So I definitely analyzed thehell out of it.
Like I do most things in lifeand I recognized that behavior
(38:13):
and the way that it made me feelso well.
I mean, I lived it for a longtime and it's subtle and it's
not necessarily mean, but it'shurtful.
And I think it's purposeful.
And I think the purpose ofsaying little things like that,
(38:36):
um, making fun of a ugly mole,making fun of your, whatever.
I'm very Vay.
That's another thing that hasbeen pointed out to me by
certain people throughout mylife.
Like these bright green veinsthat run EV you can see them
everywhere.
I'm like a roadmap.
Um, things like that, that I, Iobviously know about myself.
(38:57):
I can't change.
Don't wanna change.
There's no way to change.
I mean the full spectrum, butI'm like someone who cares about
you, isn't going to point outyour flaws or your perceived
flaws.
They just won't do that.
That's not okay.
That's not nice.
It's not healthy.
(39:18):
Um, that's a subtle red flag.
That's how I saw it because Idon't wanna be with someone who
subtly makes me feel like on,you know, common occurrences.
I just don't wanna be made tofeel that way.
So I took note, you know, ofthat red flag and again, one
(39:43):
comment alone does not create,you know, a big, huge waving red
flag, but it's consistency ofsaying and doing things like
that repeatedly that makes it,uh, draw our awareness
hopefully, and then hopefullyaction as well.
Right?
(40:04):
So one of my favorite quotes hasbecome when people show you who
they are, believe them.
I think I said it right.
I might have paraphrased it.
It's a Maya quote.
It's so true.
Um, I think when we first meetpeople, I love I've always, oh
boy.
I mean, I am so guilty of seeingthe potential in someone or
(40:29):
seeing the best in someone andthat's a gift and that's a
beautiful thing.
But when you're looking for apartner, you have to look at
what is exactly right in frontof your face.
And if they appear to benegative, lazy, rude, um, you
(40:49):
see them in action acting thatway toward other people.
That's who they are.
are they capable ofbeing kind polite, neighborly.
Sure.
But that's not them.
That's not what they show you.
Right.
And um, one of the biggestlessons in, um, analyzing past
(41:10):
marriages and relationships thatI learned were I was told
outright, like to my face, um,you probably shouldn't be with
me.
This is what's wrong with me.
This is who I am literally.
And I was like, oh no, that'snot true, but I love you.
(41:31):
I wanna be with you.
I mean, if I had, if I had takenhis words literal and to heart,
I would've said, wow.
He just told me that he's thisway he has these problems.
He's going to hurt me.
(41:52):
That was, that's been told tome, I will just break your
heart.
I will just end up hurting you.
And it's like, I saw it as afreaking challenge.
Bring it.
I want it.
I want your hurt.
I want your pain.
I want your challenge.
Um, I don't do that anymore.
People, uh, I just don't do thatanymore.
(42:13):
I look at what is in front of myface, who I see today.
I don't dream, uh, a dreamydream of what they're gonna look
like five years from now or howthey're gonna treat me next
month or next date or, orwhatever.
I really try very hard to seethem for who they are right in
front of my face and believethem.
(42:36):
And it's serving me well,although I am, as you can
probably tell quite guarded andpretty scrupulous um, I
mean, I'm doing my best to guardmy heart.
Like I talk about in a lot ofthese episodes.
So, um, you know, I'd rather beoverly cautious, quite frankly.
(42:56):
I would rather, I would rathererr on the side of caution and
maybe being a little tooparticular and a little too
careful than throwing caution tothe wind, ignoring some things
expecting better next time,hoping for a better wishing
praying for better.
No, I pretty much just go withreality now.
(43:19):
So that's my choice of what I dowith red flags and again,
these flags are subjective and Idon't really give a after, you
know, having conversations withdifferent friends and different
family members, you know, redflags and deal breakers are two
different things and I've sharedred flags with people and had
(43:41):
them say, oh, but I really likethat guy.
Like let's give him anotherchance or let's give him a
little bit more time.
And you know, sometimes I listensometimes I don't, but at the
end of the day, um, sometimesred flags do become deal
breakers, right?
So I think I should probably doa deal breaker's episode at some
point that is on my list.
But up next episode, what are weon?
(44:05):
I think the next episode afterthis is 56, forgive me if I'm
wrong.
Uh, I'm gonna go ahead.
I've already told you spoileralert.
It's gonna be green flags.
So I will happily, uh, talkabout all of the really great,
healthy, happy, good stuff weshould be looking for when we go
on dates and meet new people.
(44:27):
And as always, thank you so muchfor listening to the podcast and
the highest compliment you canpay me.
Well, actually there's a coupledifferent ways you can share the
podcast with someone.
I love that so much.
Um, I love hearing from peoplehow they found the podcast and
more often than not it's becausea friend told them about it.
(44:48):
So thank you guys for continuingto spread the word and grow the
podcast.
And, um, other than that, Iabsolutely love hearing from you
all.
So please do continue to reachout to me and let me know what
you think of the podcast, uh,details, feelings, ideas you
have for other episodes.
I just love and appreciate youguys and yeah, keep me going.
(45:12):
So thanks.
Welcome to man shopping with Stacy, where I
share my real transparent datingand life experiences for your
amusement and inspiration.
You are listening to episode 55red flags.
If you are like me and you'vebeen divorced, maybe you have
spent some time contemplating.
(00:23):
Why didn't I see the red flags?
Why didn't I notice them payattention to them and act on
them?
When I met my ex, well, we allknow why, because we were
smitten.
We were in love.
We were young, dumb, naive,whatever it was, we all have our
excuses.
(00:44):
And if you're also like me now,and you're back out in the
dating world, you are hell benton spotting.
These things
than others and some of us liketo learn the hard way, and some
of us have repeated the samemistakes over and over again.
So this episode very clearly isall about red flags.
(01:12):
It makes sense to me to startoff by talking about like little
pink flags, you know, early redflags.
Maybe when we are texting,getting to know someone talking
on the phone or setting up orgoing on initial dates, a pretty
clear example comes to my mindof this guy that I call Freddie
(01:33):
Kruger because
pick his LinkedIn, pick hisFacebook pick.
We're all taken in this likerugby, striped red and black
sweater, same photo, all of theplatforms called him Fred Kruger
for it.
So anyway, Fred Kruger, he, um,I met him very early in the year
(01:57):
of 2020.
So he lived in a different cityand we were just getting to know
each other through chatting on adating app.
And then we exchanged phonenumbers and texted, and we had
one measly phone conversation.
And I don't know, you could takethis as a flag.
Maybe it was just an annoyance,but clearly we both were working
(02:21):
from home and had more time onour hands than normal.
But this guy, this guy seemed tobe using all of his free time to
message me.
And I've joked about him acouple of times, but seriously,
it was something like this.
I went outside with 10 bags ofmulch and put it in the front
(02:45):
bed of my house.
And then a couple hours later, Ihad to, you know, pick up
another load of mulch and putthat on the side of the house.
And then I worked for a coupleof hours and ate a sandwich for
lunch and worked out andshowered and, you know,
(03:09):
scratched my and took a nap.
I'm like, please, for the loveof God, spare me the details.
So clearly, like it wasirritating.
It was annoying.
I didn't like hearing about hisevery, you know, detail of his
every day.
I didn't know him.
Um, but more than just beinglike annoyed, it was a flag.
(03:34):
Like, do you have anyone else totalk to that might care about
some of this more than I do, orare you really like that boring
or
awareness, right?
And that's a flag to me.
I don't wanna be with someonethat, you know, first of all
(03:55):
spends their, every wakingmoment giving me status updates
or like that doesn't recognizemaybe he should just keep some
of that stuff to himself,whatever the case may be.
Little pink flags.
Right.
Furthermore, when I did finallyget this guy on the phone, Ooh,
(04:15):
I just remembered something.
He refused to FaceTime me.
So that's a flag.
I know that FaceTiming is noteveryone's cup of tea.
We're kind of all exhausted byzooms.
And some people are more put offby it than others, but this was
at the beginning of thepandemic.
And that was the only way, uh,we were going to meet each other
(04:37):
and he refused to do it.
And that was definitely a flag,especially because he wasn't, he
didn't exactly have a lot ofphotos out there for me to
really see what he looked like.
And let's be real.
That's kind of the name of thegame.
When you first meet someoneonline, you kinda kind of have
to see some pictures to, uh,kinda, I don't know, figure out
(04:58):
if you're into'em a little bit,that's a piece of it.
Right.
And I had a plethora of picturesout, so it seemed just a little
unfair to me.
So I settled for a phone calland I guess I wasn't surprised
at all that he was a drag on thephone.
So not a lot to say inconversation.
And he was a complainer.
That's a flag.
(05:18):
I mean, if you can't put yourbest foot forward on an initial
phone conversation with someonethat you're hoping to hit it off
with impress, however you wannasay it, then, you know, going to
the conversation, thinking of afew things that you have in
common that you wanna talk aboutor ask about or whatever.
But what he did was hecomplained a lot.
And one of the big topics of hiscomplaints was his job.
(05:43):
And so he spent a decent amountof time complaining that his
company had been bought out andhe wasn't happy with the new
company and blah, blah, blah,which one is a boring
conversation to have withsomeone that you're trying to,
you know, know, uh, feelsomething for, or spark some
sort of romantic connection withwork is not the best topic, you
(06:04):
know, to find that sort ofcommon ground.
And then also it was justnegative in general.
And I, I think it's a really badidea when you're first getting
to know someone.
I mean, we all go there and haveour bad days and all of that,
but I mean, our first phoneconversation was just him
complaining about his workenvironment.
And again, that should have beensaved for someone other than me.
(06:26):
That's how I saw it anyway.
So those are a few flags, right?
Moving on to some of the redflags that people talk
frequently about in regards tolike first dates.
I mean the most obvious, likelow hanging fruit is when
someone is rude to the hostess,the bartender, the waiter, the
(06:51):
waitress, the valet, right?
That's just a bad sign whenpeople don't treat people in the
service industry.
Well, they are typically, youknow.
I think there's a lot of truthin that.
In fact, I had gone on a coupleof dates with a guy that I had
some reservations about and oneof my reservations, um, call it
(07:14):
a flag I guess, was that I feltlike his crowd was just a little
faster than mine.
If that makes sense.
His ex-girlfriend was muchyounger than me.
He was actually several yearsolder than me.
Um, but he just hung out with ayoung crowd kind of like out,
(07:36):
you know, late at night, notexactly living the type of
lifestyle that I live because healso didn't have any children.
So trying not to judge him forany of those things.
I remained open minded until oneof the tipping points.
One of the big red flags wasthat a friend of mine had
spotted him and his crew out andthey were being rude to the
(08:04):
valet and she saw it.
And I was like, yeah, no, like Ido not wanna be associated with
people who are, you know, meanrude, not kind, those, aren't my
kind of people we're not gonnamesh well because I don't live
like that.
And I don't wanna be aroundpeople who do another story that
(08:26):
I heard about a red flag on adate.
In fact, it was a girlfriend ofmine asking a couple of us,
other single ladies, ourthoughts on this, she was on a
first date after a lot of, youknow, early on communication.
Uh, first or second date, theguy picked her up.
He was in her driveway.
(08:49):
Um, I think he texted when hearrived.
I mean, honestly, I, I think heshould have gone up to the front
door, rang the doorbell.
Like a gentleman walked her tothe car, opened the door for
her, but that's not what he did.
He was sitting in his car.
And when she got in the car, hehad a dating app pulled up and
(09:14):
she saw it.
So of course she assumed that hewas sitting there chatting with
someone else on the dating appwhile she was finishing up,
getting ready and coming out tohis car.
I mean, yeah, that's, that's aflag and you know, some of us
(09:35):
would be more sensitive to thatthan others probably dependent
on a lot of things.
How much time had we invested inthis person?
I mean, honestly, how much do welike'em our feelings are more
likely to get hurt if we'repretty into'em, that's hurtful
to know that they're talking toother people, even if we're not
(09:55):
exclusive yet.
And then there's just the basicetiquette of all of it.
It's just rude, you know, to begoing on a date with someone and
communicating with someone elseduring the date.
And I think that it is all toocommon.
I know it happens.
And then of course, there's justbeen distracted by our phones in
(10:17):
general.
Is that a flag or is it just anannoyance when someone is on
their phone a lot, you know, Ifind myself saying out loud,
oftentimes, Hey, I'm gonna checkin with my daughter, you know,
or gimme just a second.
I need to see, you know, blah,blah, blah, if my puppy's being
(10:39):
taken care of or this or that.
Um, but I, I, I definitely thinkit's rude when people are
distracted by their phones, butyou know, is it considered a red
flag?
I think it could be.
I think it could be an extremesituations, right?
Some of the bigger red flags, ifyou will, that I hear about and
(10:59):
have experienced on my own onfirst dates would be talking
about their ex excessively.
So I've done this, I've beenaccused of this.
I've also been on the receivingend of this a lot.
Is it a flag?
Does it mean that the person isstill obsessed with their ex or
(11:24):
not healed yet?
Not over their ex or is itcommon ground?
Is the fact that, you know, thetwo of you or two of us are both
divorced and that's something wehave in common to talk about.
Um, it, it could be perceived amillion different ways and I've
(11:44):
debated it and talked about itin a lot of different podcasts.
I think that it's a red flagwhen it's an incredibly toxic
situation that the person isstill in.
That is, that's a red flag.
It's only a red flag.
If you are trying to build arelationship with that person,
in my opinion, if it's just adate, it's just a date.
(12:07):
If you're not vested, it doesn'tmatter that person's not your
problem.
But if you were looking towardthis data views, that's, you
know, in a very complicated,toxic situation with their ex
and you're looking to begin arelationship or get emotionally
attached, definitely be a redflag because their concerns and
(12:31):
their emotional trauma becobecomes yours.
You know, when, when you becomea couple.
So, I mean, that's a tough one.
So I guess I consider that redflag to be circumstantial.
It just is as are a lot of these
(12:53):
So, um, another really commonthing that I've heard a lot
about, I really haven'texperienced it too much.
Myself is the red flag of abuseor addiction abusing alcohol
substances, drugs, um, oractually being, you know, having
(13:15):
an addiction to something.
So I've heard, you know, storiesthat I consider to be kind of
funny.
Sometimes of people showing upreally ed up on the first date,
like super drunk slurring words,you know, not able to hold
conversations.
I think, um, sometimes it'sfunny and sometimes it's really
sad and at the heart of all ofit, it's probs a lot more sad
(13:40):
than funny, right?
Either people are, you know,abusing substances, alcohol,
whatever their choice is beforea date, because they're, um,
scared, they're nervous, they'reanxious, they're insecure, um,
or that's just how they live.
And so that's how they show upto a lot of things.
(14:02):
So, um, sometimes it's reallyblatant like that.
And sometimes it's not, I had amale friend of mine tell what we
consider to be kind of a funnystory on an earlier podcast from
season one about how he showedup to a very first date.
And the woman actually wasfollowed into the restaurant
(14:23):
and, and got a DUI.
Like they did a field sobriety.
They, they pulled her out of therestaurant to do the field
sobriety test in the parking lotbecause she was absolutely
inebriated.
Um, and it was told in a funnylight and I mean, what are the
odds?
You know, it was kind of justone of those.
Here we go.
Like we're out in the datingworld and that's the kind of we
(14:44):
have to deal with seriously.
Um, so that was like an extremeexample, but I've heard a lot,
I've heard a lot of stories ofpeople, you know, showing up to
introduce themselves, you know,with like definitely not their
best foot forward becausethey're, they're messed up and
it's sad, but it happens a lot.
(15:05):
And then, you know, someone likeme coming out of, um, a marriage
with a man who suffered fromaddiction, I am incredibly
guarded, like very, very, veryhigh alert watching for issues.
Um, on every single date Ilisten, I pay attention.
(15:25):
I watch, I know that actions arelouder than words.
And so I, I just, I'm a stickleron it.
And I also have a teenagedaughter that I'm trying to
provide a very, um, good exampleon how I live my life.
And so my moral compass, likepoints in very clear directions
(15:50):
to me on this topic.
So I'm not a prude.
I'm not like, I mean, I drink, Ihave fun.
I'm, you know, I'm prettyeasygoing about most things.
And then I know where my firmboundaries are and my firm
boundaries have been tested.
(16:11):
They've been tested coupledifferent times with a couple
different guys and I haveliterally ended early on, but
I've ended relationships becauseour lifestyles don't align and
it typically, you know, comesdown to, um, alcohol and or drug
use.
That's uncovered over the courseof time, frequency of all of
(16:36):
that.
Um, all, all of that comes upand I know I'm not the only one.
And I know it's not just becauseI came out of a marriage with
addiction that I'm supersensitive.
I think I'd be sensitive to allof that anyway.
Um, but I listen and when peopletell me, you know, I've had a
DUI or okay, like that couldhappened to me.
Like I'm not, I, I'm verycognizant of, um, making poor
(17:00):
choices, you know, here andthere.
And then I also recognize thelifestyle difference and the
habitual mistakes anddifferences and the behaviors of
people, um, consistently overthe course of time, you know,
show up all those little flagscan add up and, and, and
(17:21):
relationships.
So I think drugs and alcohol,it's a big reason why marriage
is end, uh, very well knownfact.
And I'm talking all sorts ofaddiction, gambling, porn, um,
drugs, alcohol opioids, youknow, all of that is like so
sadly common.
(17:41):
And so there are plenty of usdivorced people running around
with, um, you know, know,addictions that we haven't
sought help for or treatment orbeen rehabilitated from.
So it's just, it's sad, buttrue.
And it's definitely something,uh, that I watch for red flags
and I have no troublecommunicating when I'm
(18:06):
uncomfortable.
And when ultimately we are justnot a good fit because we live
differently.
Um, and I've chosen to have veryclear conversations with two men
now that it's just not gonnawork out because I'm very
sensitive about this.
I put it on myself.
I am, it's my, my issue.
(18:26):
I'm sensitive about this.
I'm not comfortable.
I'm not comfortable for mydaughter.
And so, uh, we're done here,period.
End of story.
Right?
Boundaries people still learningthem as, I guess a lot of you
are too.
Probably how about this one fora red flag?
Just lying.
(18:48):
They just lie.
I mean, I can't say that I'veexperienced this a lot, but I
sure did experience it in onerelationship in particular,
pretty much the only guy that Iconsider to have been in a
relationship with after mysecond marriage lied to me
(19:10):
consistently, we're talking flattires, flat tire, oh, it got a
flat tire, a flat tire that tookall day to fix a flat tire that
kept us from an important event,a flat tire that like, for some
reason, I couldn't drive to thedealership to pick him up and
(19:32):
Ubers.
All of a sudden don't exist likethat type of flat tire lie.
Um, so obvious, absolutelyobvious.
And when this guy told me thisflat lie, flat lie
it was a flat out lie, the, uh,flat tire story that kept us
from our important event that wewere going to go to.
(19:53):
Uh, you know what I did, I, Ijust acted like he didn't lie to
me.
I knew it was a lie.
Like I told, I told like fourpeople that day.
Okay, look, he called me.
He said that he ran over a flattire this morning.
He's been at the car dealershipfor we're looking at hours.
Now he won't let me pick him up.
(20:15):
He doesn't wanna rent a car orget an Uber.
So we're not going to said eventtoday.
I'm not stupid.
I know he lied to me, but withhim, this was the guy that I
just ignored his lies.
Um, I took note that they didn'tgo away.
(20:37):
Um, I chose to go, okay.
Because I, I knew him prettywell.
And I felt like maybe therehere's me making an excuse was a
good reason, like somethingchanged.
And he didn't feel comfortabletelling me what circumstances
had changed.
And so he made up this stupidlie.
(20:59):
So I just let him off the hook.
I chose to let him off the hookuntil the lies and the red flags
just kept stacking up.
Right.
So, um, lying.
Here's a, here's a really goodone.
Same day, two big, huge doozylies came out of this guy and
(21:19):
the exact same day.
So it was a wedding that was theevent that we missed.
We missed a wedding.
Um, but we went to thereception.
So see how easy it is to go, oh,it's fine.
Like, obviously somethinghappened and we're not gonna go
to this wedding.
And he lied, but you know what?
(21:40):
We're still gonna go to thereception.
So what ifs I'm over it.
I don't even care what drama isbehind it.
I'm just gonna go to thereception with him and have fun.
And then you guys, there's thiswhole MIS like completely
mysterious house that this guylives in.
(22:01):
So this is a situation wherethis man was not divorced.
He was separated.
I was separated.
Supposedly both working towarddivorce.
I certainly was, as I amcurrently divorced, right?
He was in some weird like limbo,open marriage.
(22:24):
I don't know.
But he told me that he had thishouse that he lived in.
So for whatever reason, over andover again, I couldn't like go
see his house.
Like we just didn't ever go tohis house.
We ended up like just, we, wewent out, we went out to dinner,
we went out to happy hour.
We went out to all sorts ofplaces.
(22:46):
He ended up eventually comingover to my place, um, on a
regular basis.
Finally, I went to his house andI mean, it was newly furnished
together enough in a very fakeshowy kind of way to look half
(23:11):
what?
Legitimate.
Like he might be able to staynights.
There here's another mystery.
His bedroom was completelyfurnished.
Put together, looked like heprobably stayed there.
But for some reason, his kids'bedroom doors were closed and he
flat out, refused to open thedoors.
(23:35):
You guys wanna know if you everquestion how polite Stacy weer
is?
Let me tell you how polite I am.
He gave me a tour of his house.
He said, oh, the kids' rooms arejust a disaster.
I'm not even gonna show'em toyou.
You guys come on.
I knew that there was nothingbehind those doors.
(23:55):
There was no little toddler bed.
There was no bookcase.
There was no toys behind thedoor.
There was, there was none ofthat.
Uh, his kids clearly neverstayed in that house, but I
didn't wanna out him because Iwas embarrassed for him.
Like I was seriously wasembarrassed for him.
(24:16):
I mean, he had like brand newtowels that were sitting out in
the bathroom.
I looked in the shower.
There was no kids' stuff in thebathtub.
Like it was so obvious that ifhe did ever stay in that house,
he stayed there by himself andPRS.
Not very often.
I mean, the guy was still livingat home.
Right.
I let it go.
I let it go.
(24:36):
I, I let that red flag wave,like smack me in the face.
And I just, I didn't ignore it.
I told everybody about it.
I wasn't stupid, but I didn'thold him accountable.
So we were supposed to stay inthat house that I had seen one
time we were supposed to stay inthat house after this wedding.
(24:58):
And I mean, the second big lieof that day was that the, it was
a rental house.
The landlord had had the duckscleaned the air ducts cleaned in
this house.
And I mean, there was just somuch dust and it was so dirty
(25:22):
that there was no way that wewere going to be able to stay
there that night.
I mean, I'm no genius, but Idon't think when you have your
air ducts clean, your house isfilthy.
Afterwards.
The entire point is to purifythe air coming out of the
system.
That doesn't happen.
(25:44):
It was a stupid lie.
I knew it was completelyfabricated.
And guess what I did, I went tothat wedding reception and I
went to a hotel and I had a funnight and I didn't give a.
I didn't give a because I wasn'tcommitted to a future with him.
I knew exactly what was goingon.
(26:04):
I would, I did not have blinderson, but I chose to just not care
still didn't end.
Well, guys let's be real.
I mean, I still ended up gettinghurt in the end, but, um, I
think that's a truth about thered flags too.
Like you can be cognizant ofthem be aware.
(26:26):
I, I tried to hold myselfaccountable by telling my
friends and loved ones so thatI, cuz I have a bad history,
especially with my secondex-husband of just keeping
secrets and letting everyonethink that everything's perfect.
And so I don't do that anymore.
So when I find faults, when I'mlied to, when I'm mistreated, I
(26:47):
tell people as a way to keepmyself honest and I did all of
that with this guy, but I stilllike just kind of tucked those
flags away for a, for a whilelong enough to end up hurt, you
know, instead of just going,let's see what's behind door
number two, you know, and, and,and outing him.
(27:09):
I just didn't do it cuz I'm toopolite.
That's part of it.
Okay.
So I'm gonna move on.
How about the common, common,like phrase that's tossed around
a lot, which is like lovebombing, right?
Someone just absolutely becomesinfatuated obsessed with you,
(27:29):
loves everything about you tellsthe whole world about you tells
you how perfect and special youare right out of the gates.
I mean it sure feels good.
It feels good to be noticed.
It feels good to feelappreciated, to feel special, to
be loved or admired or adored orliked a lot early on.
(27:54):
It feels good and it can behard.
It can be hard.
I've I've, I've, I'veexperienced this a little bit
and it's hard to know if it'sgenuine, authentic, and healthy,
or if it is a red flag
(28:15):
way, it can be very hard totell.
And I think about the only thingthat makes this kind of
situation clearer is time.
I think seeing how someonetreats you, you know, over the
course of weeks or months andpaying close attention to their
(28:38):
actions and not just their wordsis, um, is about the only thing
that distinguishes, you know,love bombing from actually
someone just really thinkingyou're great.
Um, and I think, you know, thedifferences would be, if someone
starts, you know, consuming allof your time, making you feel
(29:01):
like you need to be with themall the time, making you feel
like you need to be at theirbackend call, they text a lot,
they call a lot, they plan allof, you know, everything around
you and they expect the same.
You start to feel isolated fromyour friends, from your family.
You can't keep up with life withyour job.
Um, there's usually jealousyinvolved.
(29:22):
Uh, if they say they're jealousor not, maybe you can tell,
right.
Maybe they ask a couple offorward questions.
Like who was that?
Who just called make you feellike maybe you did something
wrong that you really didn't do.
Um, jealousy is a flag on itsown, you know, that we could
talk about, um, people who arejealous of, you know, your
(29:48):
friends of the opposite sex orjealous of your ex or someone
that you used to date.
I mean, let's be real, I've hadsome conversations about this
lately to like none of us wannabe compared to your ex-wife
Or your ex your ex-husband oryour ex-girlfriend none of us
(30:09):
wanna be compared.
Um, oftentimes when you start todevelop feelings for someone
it's hard to listen to intimatedetails of any nature, uh,
regarding an ex, you have to besensitive about that stuff.
And I'm guilty of it.
I, I tell a lot of datingstories and stuff when I meet
people and you know, it's prettyharmless, um, when it's just a
date and then it becomes abigger issue when feelings,
(30:32):
feelings get involved feelingsget in the way, um, you know, my
ex-husband was, I mean,admittedly jealous of the, my
closeness with my daughter Laney, he was, he would say, it's you
and Laney against the world.
And I'd be like, well, I mean,yeah, kind of, um, that's
(30:53):
unhealthy, um, to be jealous ofthose relationships with your
children, that's not okay.
That's a flag, that's a flag.
Um, I didn't see that flag for awhile to be fair to myself, but
it was there, you know, um, the,the obvious flags are when they
(31:16):
don't want you to spend timewith your friends or they're,
they're not comfortable with yougoing to events without them
because they're insecure.
And I think what we really haveto pay attention to are their
intentions and their motivationsand how we feel, how we feel
matters.
(31:37):
Um, so if we feel like we arebeing controlled, if we feel
like, um, you know, we're beingaccused of things that we have
not necessarily done wrong, orif we feel as though we can't
make decisions for ourselvesanymore, that's a, those are big
(31:57):
flags, big flags.
And I think that they're prettycommon and I think they need to
be addressed like right away.
I mean, some of these red flagsare really obvious, right.
We, we know that being lied tois not okay.
That's a red flag.
I mean, if that behavior'shappening in the first couple of
(32:18):
months of dating, like, what doyou think you're in for?
Right.
We all know that we should becautious of moving too fast with
someone, but it's hard whenyou're into somebody to slow
down.
It is it's really hard,especially when the person is
really into you and wants tospend a lot of time with you.
(32:42):
We all know that it's probs, notokay to have active addictions
and, um, you know, a dangerouskind of lifestyle.
But I mean, it's kind of amazingwhat we're willing to put up
with if they're charming enoughor, you know, whatever
intriguing enough, fun enough,whatever.
(33:02):
We'll overlook a lot of things,um, in the midst of lust and
excitement of meeting someonenew.
So it's all like circumstantial,right?
And it's that fine line betweenlistening to your heart and, you
know, listening to your logicalbrain.
It's tough.
(33:23):
Red flags are hard, man.
And these were all kind of likethe obvious big ones.
And I know I haven't covered.
'em all.
There's no way I could, but boy,are there a lot more like subtle
red flags?
Like, I don't know if you guyshave ever experienced this, but
I have where someone that you'redating compliments you a lot.
(33:48):
Super sweet.
You look beautiful.
Oh, you're so pretty.
I love that dress on you.
You look great tonight.
God, you smell good.
I love, I love that lipstick onyou, whatever it is.
Lots of nice compliments, lotsof nice flattery.
And then every once in a whilethey get a weird little critical
(34:09):
jab in I've had it happen to me.
And I'm really sensitive to thattoo.
So in my second marriage, I didnot receive compliments.
I mean like ever, ever, ever, Icould probably count on one hand
in eight years, how many times Iwas genuinely complimented at
(34:34):
all, um, for my appearance, formy personality, for my food that
I made for the house that I keptfor the kids that I raised, any
of it, I just did not receivecompliments.
And it was something that I justlearned to accept as fact, and
it was hurtful and all of that,but I just lived with it.
(34:56):
Right.
But what I did, um, experienceon a regular basis was criticism
that was intended to just takeme down a notch, just something
obscure and weird about me.
Um, especially about myappearance, that, um, was a
(35:19):
turnoff or something to make meinsecure about like, you know,
when kids are being mean inschool and they'll just find
anything unusual or slight tomake fun of just to bring
somebody else down.
That's what would happen to me,me sometimes.
Like, there's,
(35:41):
on the back of my neck, likeunder my hairline and my ex
hated it and would point it outall the time like that he didn't
like it, like it was ugly or itwas there.
Um, he would say things like mytoes were chubby.
I mean really like, oh, great,awesome.
Cuz I can do something aboutthat.
You know?
(36:01):
I mean, whatever it's stuff likethat, I think, you know where
I'm going with this.
So, um, so I'm kind of seeingthis guy, not that long ago and
he's so adoring and affectionateand sweet and complimentary and
it's just so like, I justhaven't experienced that a lot
in, um, you know, like a datingrelationship or whatever and I'm
(36:24):
totally, totally loving it andit's awesome.
And I feel like I'm treating himthe same way in return and then
And I, I seriously like, um, itwas like post traumatic stress,
like we're in conversation andhe's telling me that his kid was
(36:45):
complimenting me.
Oh my gosh.
She said the cutest things aboutyou cuz I met his kid and um,
he's like, she just thought youwere this and this.
And it was so nice.
And then he said, I mean, shesaid, you look like you're in
your thirties, in your face, butyour hands look like they're in
(37:08):
their forties.
And I'm like, what?
Really?
An eight year old said that boy,she is something she's very
perceptive.
And she is so maybe she did sayit, but why on earth?
Would you tell me that?
She said that because it'shurtful.
(37:31):
Like every woman has concernsabout things like stupid things
like your ear lobes drooping oryour knees getting wrinkly or
sun spots on your chest orwhatever.
And I was like, I mean, wheneverhe said it, I just kind of
giggled it off cuz it is, Iactually could see his daughter
(37:52):
saying that, but I, I actuallydon't think she did, but um, she
might have whatever I wishywashy.
It doesn't matter.
Why did he tell me that?
She said it.
So I definitely analyzed thehell out of it.
Like I do most things in lifeand I recognized that behavior
(38:13):
and the way that it made me feelso well.
I mean, I lived it for a longtime and it's subtle and it's
not necessarily mean, but it'shurtful.
And I think it's purposeful.
And I think the purpose ofsaying little things like that,
(38:36):
um, making fun of a ugly mole,making fun of your, whatever.
I'm very Vay.
That's another thing that hasbeen pointed out to me by
certain people throughout mylife.
Like these bright green veinsthat run EV you can see them
everywhere.
I'm like a roadmap.
Um, things like that, that I, Iobviously know about myself.
(38:57):
I can't change.
Don't wanna change.
There's no way to change.
I mean the full spectrum, butI'm like someone who cares about
you, isn't going to point outyour flaws or your perceived
flaws.
They just won't do that.
That's not okay.
That's not nice.
It's not healthy.
(39:18):
Um, that's a subtle red flag.
That's how I saw it because Idon't wanna be with someone who
subtly makes me feel like on,you know, common occurrences.
I just don't wanna be made tofeel that way.
So I took note, you know, ofthat red flag and again, one
(39:43):
comment alone does not create,you know, a big, huge waving red
flag, but it's consistency ofsaying and doing things like
that repeatedly that makes it,uh, draw our awareness
hopefully, and then hopefullyaction as well.
Right?
(40:04):
So one of my favorite quotes hasbecome when people show you who
they are, believe them.
I think I said it right.
I might have paraphrased it.
It's a Maya quote.
It's so true.
Um, I think when we first meetpeople, I love I've always, oh
boy.
I mean, I am so guilty of seeingthe potential in someone or
(40:29):
seeing the best in someone andthat's a gift and that's a
beautiful thing.
But when you're looking for apartner, you have to look at
what is exactly right in frontof your face.
And if they appear to benegative, lazy, rude, um, you
(40:49):
see them in action acting thatway toward other people.
That's who they are.
Sure.
But that's not them.
That's not what they show you.
Right.
And um, one of the biggestlessons in, um, analyzing past
(41:10):
marriages and relationships thatI learned were I was told
outright, like to my face, um,you probably shouldn't be with
me.
This is what's wrong with me.
This is who I am literally.
And I was like, oh no, that'snot true, but I love you.
(41:31):
I wanna be with you.
I mean, if I had, if I had takenhis words literal and to heart,
I would've said, wow.
He just told me that he's thisway he has these problems.
He's going to hurt me.
(41:52):
That was, that's been told tome, I will just break your
heart.
I will just end up hurting you.
And it's like, I saw it as afreaking challenge.
Bring it.
I want it.
I want your hurt.
I want your pain.
I want your challenge.
Um, I don't do that anymore.
People, uh, I just don't do thatanymore.
(42:13):
I look at what is in front of myface, who I see today.
I don't dream, uh, a dreamydream of what they're gonna look
like five years from now or howthey're gonna treat me next
month or next date or, orwhatever.
I really try very hard to seethem for who they are right in
front of my face and believethem.
(42:36):
And it's serving me well,although I am, as you can
probably tell quite guarded andpretty scrupulous
mean, I'm doing my best to guardmy heart.
Like I talk about in a lot ofthese episodes.
So, um, you know, I'd rather beoverly cautious, quite frankly.
(42:56):
I would rather, I would rathererr on the side of caution and
maybe being a little tooparticular and a little too
careful than throwing caution tothe wind, ignoring some things
expecting better next time,hoping for a better wishing
praying for better.
No, I pretty much just go withreality now.
(43:19):
So that's my choice of what I dowith red flags
these flags are subjective and Idon't really give a after, you
know, having conversations withdifferent friends and different
family members, you know, redflags and deal breakers are two
different things and I've sharedred flags with people and had
(43:41):
them say, oh, but I really likethat guy.
Like let's give him anotherchance or let's give him a
little bit more time.
And you know, sometimes I listensometimes I don't, but at the
end of the day, um, sometimesred flags do become deal
breakers, right?
So I think I should probably doa deal breaker's episode at some
point that is on my list.
But up next episode, what are weon?
(44:05):
I think the next episode afterthis is 56, forgive me if I'm
wrong.
Uh, I'm gonna go ahead.
I've already told you spoileralert.
It's gonna be green flags.
So I will happily, uh, talkabout all of the really great,
healthy, happy, good stuff weshould be looking for when we go
on dates and meet new people.
(44:27):
And as always, thank you so muchfor listening to the podcast and
the highest compliment you canpay me.
Well, actually there's a coupledifferent ways you can share the
podcast with someone.
I love that so much.
Um, I love hearing from peoplehow they found the podcast and
more often than not it's becausea friend told them about it.
(44:48):
So thank you guys for continuingto spread the word and grow the
podcast.
And, um, other than that, Iabsolutely love hearing from you
all.
So please do continue to reachout to me and let me know what
you think of the podcast, uh,details, feelings, ideas you
have for other episodes.
I just love and appreciate youguys and yeah, keep me going.
(45:12):
So thanks.
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