October 7, 2022 • 44 mins
This episode is about all things happy and healthy that we should be looking for out in the dating world.
The format for this episode is progressive... Green flags to spot when someone is into us when we first meet, when we're planning a first date, and while dating or in a relationship. I share personal stories along the way, per usual.
Some Green Flags when we first meet someone
- Displaying genuine interest in you
- Natural, fun banter
- Positive gut feelings/excitement to hear from them
- Responsiveness/Consistency in communication
- Direct communication regarding feelings/excitement to meet
Some Green Flags when planning a 1st date
- Decisiveness/A man with a plan
- The date is planned efficiently and joyfully
- Extra points if the date is planned based on the individual preferences and interests of your date.
Some Green Flags on a 1st date
- Compliments on appearance
- Ease of conversation
- Lingering for dessert or another round
- Ending the date with a hug, kiss, maybe more?!
- Politeness- thanking your date for the coffee, dinner, their time, etc.
- Send a message within minutes/hours if you are confident want to go out again
Some Dating Green Flags
- They remain interested and communicate consistently
- They are sweet, kind, and considerate
- They are honest, open, and transparent
- It should feel exciting and fun or at least positive and good
Some Relationship Green Flags
- Respecting healthy boundaries - our time, our bodies, etc
- Physical/Sexual Compatibility
- Having long-standing healthy relationships/friendships
- Being in a good place in life/they're happy before we meet
- They take care of themselves (physically and emotionally)
- Vulnerability
- They have hobbies
- Empathy
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Man Shopping with Stacy, where I
share my real transparent datingand life experiences for your
amusement and inspiration.
You're listening to episode 56,Green Flags.
If you listen to the show,you'll know this is a follow up
to episode 55 where I talkedabout red flags.
(00:25):
So thankfully, this episodeshould be a little bit more
upbeat and a lot more positiveas I will be talking about all
things happy and healthy that weshould be looking for out in the
dating world.
This episode will be set up insomewhat of like a progressive
format.
(00:46):
So I think I'm gonna start justby talking about little green
flags that someone's into us.
What are some cues?
How do we know?
How do we pick up on things whensomeone in our life or online,
uh, likes us?
Next, I will talk about somegreen flags to look for when we
are planning a first date withsomeone that we've met online or
(01:11):
been introduced to, and then ofcourse, some first date green
flags to, uh, be aware of thatcould help us figure out if this
is someone that we should beinterested in seeing another
time.
And then of course, there arelots of green flags to be found
in healthy relationships.
(01:31):
So I'll get to those.
And of course, if you listen tothe podcast at all, you know,
I'm gonna share a bunch ofpersonal stories along the way.
I mean, I'm still single afterthree years of, of being on my
own over here.
Uh, but that's not because Ihaven't met some great men and
(01:52):
had some really, really goodlittle short-lived dating
relationships along the way withplenty of green flags, uh, worth
of experience to talk about onhere.
I mean, it's not all gloom anddoom people.
Okay?
So green flags, when we firstare introduced to someone, meet
(02:14):
someone out or meet someoneonline, and I'm just gonna start
referring to online, like in anyaspect, let's be real.
Most of us, it's just as commonto get a date through Facebook
or Instagram as it is Bumble orwhat have you.
So we meet someone and we aretexting usually.
(02:37):
How do we know?
How do we know that this issomebody that we want to meet?
I mean, countless, right?
Countless ways.
So we're gonna focus on the goodstuff today.
It's kind of hard.
My mind tends to go negativebecause it's so easy to point
out all the things that we don'tlike or that like rub us the
wrong way or, or, you know,scream, uh, don't go out with
(03:00):
this dude, but yeah, in thisone, Okay, let me get my mind
wrapped around this too.
We're just talking about thegood stuff.
Okay, so here are a few thingsthat I've learned to watch for
in texting communications.
This first really obvious screenflag is essentially part of
(03:20):
every single stage that I'mgonna talk about in this
episode.
And it's, do they have genuineinterest in you?
Are they asking questions ofyou, or are they just spewing
information about themselves?
So if they have a reason to textyou and they want to get to know
you, they should be asking andnot just telling the whole time.
(03:45):
I don't know about you guys, butsome of my best relationships
started off with that, likerapid fire back and forth
question, answer kind ofsituation where it's like, Holy,
I didn't know that you snowskied.
What's your favorite place?
Ugh, I haven't been there sinceI was a teenager last year.
This is where I went.
(04:05):
And it just goes back and forthand back and forth.
And it makes it so much funbecause you give a little bit of
yourself and then you also areexcited, hopefully to learn
about the other person or jokeat your differences, right?
I mean, I could, I could tagalong another green flag is the
banter, the natural banter.
(04:26):
If you are, you know, in initialtexting conversations with
someone, and there is naturalchemistry and witty banter, I
mean, isn't that the best?
That's a solid green flag towatch for when the communication
is natural and feels like atalking conversation.
(04:46):
And it's enjoyable.
If you've done much onlinedating, you definitely know the
difference.
So for me, when it's there, whenthat natural, uh, chemistry just
in texting, is there, uh, somuch fun.
And it definitely leads to, uh,me giving out my phone number.
If I'm on a dating app, I'llgive my phone number out real
(05:09):
quick or I'll be like, I just,we just need to see each other.
If it's a FaceTime because wedon't live in the same city, or
if it's a one-on-one date, itjust comes a lot quicker when
the texting is good.
So I think, I think looking forthe little green flags of the
ease of communication, thenatural curiosity and genuine
(05:30):
interest in one another arereally, really important green
flags to look for right away.
Along the lines of thiscommunicating early on with
people, I think a green flagwould be your own feelings.
When you see that person's namepop up on your phone, pay
(05:50):
attention to your gut.
Are you excited?
Are you like, ugh, exasperatedworn out?
Don't even feel like responding.
Pay attention.
It should be fun.
You should hopefully be into theperson you're messaging.
If you're not, like, why, whyare you taking time out of your
life to text that person?
I think, you know, the greenflag of getting us and, um,
(06:13):
excitement and, you know, all ofthat early on is real.
And not that it has to be thereand is a big piece of the
puzzle, but boy, recognize itwhen it is because that's saying
something.
And you know, again, I thinkthat this, this is rare, but I
will say there have been a fewguys that I've talked to over
(06:34):
the past few years that I getawfully excited.
Um, when I see their name pop upand I smile and that's like,
Okay, this is good.
This is, we are, we might beonto something, you know?
And if you're feeling like thatearly on, it's probably because
they're being kind, they'rebeing complimentary, they're
intriguing in some way and itmakes you want to chat more.
(06:57):
So those are excellent greenflags to watch for.
I think I could do an entireepisode on the different ways
that guys, I think they're liketrying to stand out when
they're, and I know women dothis stuff too early on in, um,
texting or dating relationships.
(07:19):
Like, I, I went out on a coupleof dates with this guy that
would send me a song everymorning, like from his Apple
library, and he was an old souland had great taste in music and
he, first of all, he introducedme to some stuff I didn't know,
and then he sent me some thingsthat kind of made my heart skip
(07:40):
a beat.
I wasn't even like, like, Idunno, I mean, I guess I was a
little smitten with him.
I knew he wasn't my guy, butboy, he was fun for a little
while and it was fun to like seethe, see whatever song he was
gonna send me.
Um, you know, this is likecommon behavior.
If you haven't stepped, youknow, your, your little foot
into the dating pool yet, like,you'll get it real quick.
(08:02):
Everybody has their kind ofsignature stuff that they do in
texting and sending a song wasactually a little unique as I
can only name one guy that didthat.
Um, more common would be likesending a selfie, right?
Sending the all too common goodmorning, beautiful text, or, um,
(08:26):
one of the things I also reallylike, which a, a guy that I
dated recently, um, would do issend stuff from Instagram like
dm me, like reels and stuff thathe saw in Instagram that he knew
I would like.
And what was really cool aboutthat is he paid really good
(08:47):
attention.
He knew what I was into, whatwould make me laugh.
He knew my sense of humor.
He knew my, you know, myinterests with like dogs or
cooking or just totally randomfunny that he knew would make me
laugh.
Um, that's a good time.
That's a good time.
So, I don't know, I guess ifyou're looking for a different
(09:08):
way to stand out or grabsomebody's attention, those are
a couple of little ideas.
Not that they're that original,but I mean, I don't know.
That kind of stuff goes a longway with me.
Um, cuz you don't wanna come offas bland or boring right out of
the gates.
I mean, trying to, you know, puta good foot forward and, and,
(09:30):
uh, make a good impression.
And I think that's a couple ofcute little ways that you could
show someone that you'reinterested.
While we're still on thissubject of early on texting type
of relationships, this is alittle controversial and I don't
know, I'm not even sure how Ifeel about it myself, but, you
know, you can gauge a decentamount of interest by how long
(09:54):
it takes someone to respond toyou, right?
So in general, a green flagwould be someone who gets back
to you in a reasonable amount oftime.
If they, if they see your DM onInstagram and they at least like
it or, or make a quick commentback, that's a good sign, right?
(10:16):
If they're responding to yourtext messages as quickly as you
are getting back to them, that'sa good sign.
So it doesn't, I'm not trying tosay like, if, if someone leaves
you hanging for a few hours orwhatever, that that's a red flag
because it definitely doesn'thave to be.
Um, but most of us can tell whensomeone's excited about us and
(10:39):
we know because they'reconsistent, that's a green flag
to watch for.
They're consistent, right?
They, they get back to us in agood amount of time and they
have something clever orinteresting to say or a good
question to ask to follow,follow up with us.
A green flag early on is beingable to tell that the other
(11:01):
person has interest in you.
If you are confused most of thetime, they're not that into you.
So people who listen to mypodcast are not interested in
trying to create something outtanothing.
It should be obvious people.
The green flag is they tell youdirectly, I'm excited to meet
(11:28):
you.
I think you are great.
I am looking forward to gettingto know you better.
Yeah, it should be that easy.
If it's not, um, then I'm gonnasay maybe it's a red flag.
Okay.
I think I've pretty wellexhausted the texting and
messaging, uh, stage of gettingto know someone.
(11:50):
Let's move on to planning thefirst date.
I don't know about you all, butI really like decisive people.
not saying that I'mdecisive a hundred percent of
the time and I am a little oldfashioned.
So with those two caveats putout just very, very clearly, I
like it when a man has a plan.
I like a man with a plan.
(12:11):
That's right.
I like a guy who's like, Whenare you free this week?
You know, What does youravailability look like the next
few days?
I mean, just puts it out thereso that I can say, as a busy
working mom, you know, uh, lookslike I'm free Thursday, happy
(12:31):
hour or Saturday night, what'sgood for you?
You get where I'm going withthis.
It's really a green flag.
When someone plans a date.
This can go in either direction.
Male, female, female, male, Idon't care.
But one of the two of you hasgotta figure out when, where
(12:51):
we're meeting, right?
And that's a green flag whensomeone can pin down a, uh, a
time, a day and a place, uh, toget together for the first time.
And they do so with joy.
Are you listening?
It's not a drag, it's not aexasperated, you know, desperate
(13:13):
attempt to, to pin somebody downon the calendar.
And it's also not like an agendaitem that gets added to the end
of someone's really busy list.
It's, it's a fun, it's a fun,happy thing to get together for
a first date.
And if it's not, then don't go.
So the green flag is the dategets planned efficiently.
(13:39):
, how's that?
And joyfully, Yeah, I thinkthose are very solid green
flags.
Let me tell you how you takethis green flag and embellish
it.
Let's bedazzle the green flagwith sequin and glitter.
The first date Green flag can beextra special when you don't
(14:05):
just joyfully and efficientlyplan the first date, but you
make it super special based onthe individual preferences and
interests of your date.
How does one do that?
Well, one listens to the likes,taste, preferences, enjoyments
(14:31):
of the other person, and thenplans a special date just for
them.
I'll share with you the story ofthe best executed bedazzled
green flag date that I've beenon maybe ever, but for sure in
my recent, recent past.
So this guy recognized yes, thatI love food, that I like to
(14:56):
share my food, that I like totry different things in
different places.
So he planned a dinner date at alocal restaurant called the
Corvino Supper Club.
It is, uh, really, really cutelittle local spot with just
superb food.
Like the best small plateselection ever.
(15:17):
Really nice wine.
Just did it right.
I mean, did it right for one.
He actually, because he wasexcited and not scared to let me
know.
Uh, he bumped the date up fromlike a Sunday night to a Friday
night.
And there was a reason the datewas supposed to take place on
(15:38):
Sunday night, but I know thereason it got bumped to Friday
night was because he was excitedto meet me and I was mutually
excited to meet him.
We met at the restaurant greenflag.
We both complimented oneanother.
I cannot tell you how importantthis is.
If you like the way your datelooks, you should tell them
(16:03):
compliment something.
It just sends a good signal tothe person that you're with,
that you're into them, that youlike them.
Even if you're not that intothem or you're unsure, I'm gonna
bet you can find something niceto say about their appearance
when you first meet them.
It helps so much just to get offon the right foot.
(16:26):
I can't tell you how far it goesanyway, with this guy.
I gotta tell you, there, therewere sparks.
So it was easy.
We were both like, like very,very pleased, um, to be looking
at each other a face to face forthe first time.
And neither of us tried to hideit.
We were giddy, like, like, youknow, teenagers.
(16:49):
It was fun.
We sat across from one anotherand easily came up with what to
order to share.
That's a green flag.
No struggle.
Wasn't awkward, it wasn't weird.
It was fun.
And what a fun time like toshare food with somebody.
I love going to restaurantswhere it's not like super formal
(17:12):
to where, you know, like, thisis your plate, this is my plate.
Um, but small plates coming inrounds.
Yeah, that is totally my style.
And he knew it.
He ordered well.
He ordered a great bottle ofwine.
I mean, at the end of the date,another green flag.
You know, I think it's a greenflag when the waitress comes
around.
If you're on a coffee date or ifyou're on a, you know, happy
(17:35):
hour date or a dinner date whenyou both linger and wanna stick
around for like another roundor, or go, you know, hop to
another place after or whatever.
Totally green flag.
You ever wonder if someone'sinto you, if they ask you after
dinner, like you wanna grab adrink or I, hey, there's another
spot I'd love to take you to.
(17:56):
I mean, take'em up on it.
If you're into'em, that's asign.
That's a great green flag.
So, um, on this date inparticular, we ended with da da
da da.
My very favorite.
If you, uh, if you listen tothe, the podcast or read
anything, I post online, you'llknow I'm very into the bubbly.
(18:18):
And, uh, so was this guy.
So we ended with a glass of, uh,you know, whatever, champagne,
sparkling wine.
Totally enjoyed it.
Um, that's a great freakingfirst date.
Not every first date is gonna bea fancy dinner out.
There's live music.
Did I mention that?
I mean, that was a prettyspecial first date with a couple
people who knew that they wereinto one another before they
(18:40):
went out.
But I think that there's easyways to throw green flags all
over the place.
Um, even at a coffee date ormeeting in the park or whatever,
and it's some of the stuff I'vealready mentioned, joyfully,
meet up with someone, complimentthem, ask them questions, be
interested.
Um, and if those things arehappening to you, then give
(19:03):
yourself a pat on the back.
You're doing something right.
Green flags are being thrownyour way, easy way to, uh, show
a green flag after a date.
I mean, obviously, uh, there's afew different ways you could do
this.
I mean, then I could end with akiss or I mean maybe more.
Um, or there is the very politethank you if you like someone.
(19:28):
Now, I mean, honestly, I couldhave used a handbook for how to
date as an adult whenever I wasfirst divorced.
And I was like, seriouslysearching podcasts and Instagram
sites and stuff for advice onthis kind of thing.
So I hope this helps some newbieout there.
But if you go on a date and youfeel like it went pretty well,
(19:49):
but you're a little unsure, butyou'd sure like to see the
person again, and it's all kindof questionable.
I mean, my advice to throw agreen flag their way would be
send a very direct message whenyou get home.
I don't even wait till the nextday people, I am that
transparent with my dates.
(20:10):
Send a green flag and say, I hadsuch a nice time tonight.
It was so nice meeting you.
Thank you.
You know, thank you for a greatnight out.
Whatever it is, thank them.
And then go ahead, people goahead and put it in the text
message and say, I would love tosee you again soon.
(20:32):
And if you wanna be moreforward, you could go ahead and
ask for the second date.
If you're free, you know, laterthis week, I'd love to see you
again.
Or, hey, I know of somethinggoing on Thursday night, I'd
love to take you with me if youcan, can make it whatever it is.
That's a green flag.
And hey, guess what?
Wouldn't you rather just cut tothe chase and, and know how the
(20:54):
other person is feeling thanlike wait three days for them to
text you?
I think there's just a lot ofmissed opportunities by people
not being bold and just puttingit out there because, you know,
we're all adults here.
You can politely decline.
I if you're on the receiving endof messages like this.
And that happens to the best ofus, me included, a hundred
percent.
(21:15):
Um, so a green flag, definitely,even if you don't wanna go out
with them again, there are very,there's a ton of stuff online
you can look up that's moreeloquent than I am.
But there's a lot of ways to saythank you, I had a lovely time.
I think you're a great person.
Um, without leading them onthat, you want a second date as
(21:37):
well.
So super obvious dating greenflags.
They keep asking you out, theykeep messaging you, they can't
get enough of you.
They are excited about you.
They wanna know more.
They are honest, open,transparent, sweet, kind,
putting their best foot forward.
This is what should happen.
(21:57):
People when, when we are newlydating, it shouldn't be
stressful.
It shouldn't be hard.
It shouldn't be ambiguous.
It shouldn't leave us wonderinghow they feel about us.
It should be bold, direct,exciting, sweet, fun, all of
(22:18):
those things at the beginning.
There's no reason it shouldn'tbe.
If you find yourselfquestioning, doubting their
intentions, if they like you,um, if if they're having a good
time, if they wanna get to knowyou more, then it's not going
well and you might as well justcut it off.
Honestly, that's how I see itanyway.
It should be easy first date ortwo.
(22:40):
Come on.
Those are the good times wherewe're all behaving ourselves,
right?
, okay, I, I swear I'mgonna get into this relationship
stuff.
I mean, it's been a minute sinceI've been in a real
relationship, but I'm, you know,there are resources for this.
I've looked some stuff up.
I, I, uh, I'm aware of what ahealthy relationship would look
(23:01):
like if I, if I ever were tofind myself in one.
And I'm gonna share all thisgoodness with you guys.
Relationship green flags, Okay?
If you're someone like me andhas been through some, um,
unhealthy relationships ormarriage as in the past, then
you know all about boundaries.
(23:21):
Maybe you've read a book or two,or listen to some podcasts about
how to set healthy boundaries.
I mean, these are skills thathopefully we learn throughout
our lives, but if you're likeStacy weer, you don't learn them
until you know, your latethirties or early forties.
Um, but being with someone whorespects boundaries is something
really important to me.
(23:42):
That can look like a milliondifferent things.
But if your, um, here's anexample.
I like to spend time with mydaughter.
It means a lot to me.
So when she doesn't work in theevenings, that's when I try to
be home, make dinner for her,you know, put in a solid, I
(24:06):
don't know, 45 minutes, FaceTime, you know, together at the
dinner table or on the couch inthat, in the evening.
And, um, I wanna be with a manwho respects the time that I
want to spend with my kid,right?
And this plays out in a lot ofdifferent ways, but, um, our
children as divorced people, ourchildren should be our priority.
(24:30):
They should come way beforeanyone that we're dating and
that time should be respected.
This isn't much different, um,than our time with our other
family members or our friends orour work.
Whoever we are with shouldrespect our boundaries on how we
(24:53):
choose to spend our time.
They should not make us feelguilty, feel bad for how we
spend our time.
Um, they shouldn't, um, convinceus, you know, to, to, uh,
stretch those boundaries in anyway.
So there's just one littleexample of the person that we're
(25:15):
with should respect our healthyboundaries.
That could be about time, thatcould be about money, that could
be about substances, likealcohol.
If you're someone who is inrecovery and doesn't drink, then
the, the person that you'redating or in a relationship with
should respect you and yourchoices and not push substances
(25:39):
on you.
Things like that.
That's where I'm coming from.
Respect our healthy boundaries.
People, we work hard to setthem.
It takes practice, it takesdiscipline, it takes experience.
Um, but it should be respected,especially early in dating.
Come on, this, this should be agiven.
This should be a given.
(26:01):
I mean, we could take this andspin it in a sexual way.
Whoever we are with shouldrespect our bodies and our
timeframe on how we are choosingto give of ourselves intimately,
right?
(26:21):
If, if a kiss after the firstdate doesn't feel right, don't
do it.
And whoever you're with shouldget it.
I mean, listen to some of myearly podcasts, or I guess I've
written about it in my book thatyou haven't read cuz it's not
finished yet.
it's real easy to say,um, let me give you a hug and
(26:41):
turn your head away from theother person and give them a
little hug at the end of thedate.
There's ways to get around thesethings that are pretty clear,
um, and still polite, right?
Um, but a green flag isdefinitely being with someone
who understands where you're atemotionally and physically and
doesn't press.
Uh, you should get on the samepage.
(27:03):
And, you know, sometimes ittakes, takes a little while to
be in that kind of nuanced, um,intimate dance with someone
else.
And if it's not, if you're notin exactly the same place, then
a green flag would be someonewho understands, who gets it.
Probably don't even have tospeak of it honestly.
(27:24):
It, it should be justunderstood.
And there should be patiencegiven when needed, right?
That's a green flag.
I mean, I'd like to say a greenflag is when you just can't keep
your hands off of one anotherbecause I mean, that can be a
green flag too.
Maybe, maybe maybe certainpercentage of the time that
(27:44):
turns into a red flag.
, uh, cuz yeah, I'velived that as well.
But, um, you know, green flagsare least when you're
compatible.
We talk about that.
That's a separate but good greenflag.
I've been asked in someinterviews like, what makes sex
good?
What, what makes you wanna jumpinto bed with someone?
(28:07):
I've really, I've been askedquestions like that.
Um, I always say it starts witha kiss.
I mean, a green flag for me, forchemistry is all about, first of
all, I need to look at a guy'sface and not wanna look away.
Like I'm a face person.
I like pretty faces.
And so if I'm looking at a guyand they're grabbing my
(28:29):
attention and making me smileand I just lock in on him and it
feels great, that's awesome.
That's a green flag.
A green flag is a perfectlynatural, sweet little kiss for
me.
I think it gives a lot away ofwhat it would be like to be
together physically.
And it, that first green flagsign of a good kiss really
(28:53):
hasn't let me down much, Um, inmy experience that that's a good
green flag.
Typically, that leads to, to,you know, physical intimacy too.
Green flags that I look for Nowbecause of experience, time and
learning.
The hard way would be torecognize that someone has
(29:14):
longstanding friendships, goodrelationships with family
members.
Now, taking into consideration,right, that family's hard and,
you know, I don't expecteveryone to still be friends
with their high school friends.
I mean, I'm not, they broke upwith me.
That's another episode calledfriendship breakups if you're
(29:35):
interested.
Um, but you know, someone whorelatively has some, some good
friendships in their, theirlives, people that they can
count on.
They're not loners.
They get along with a sibling orto a parent or to a cousin or to
their own children.
Those are pretty good signs thatyou're with someone who's, um,
(29:57):
reliable, trustworthy, uh, goodperson if they have some
longstanding relationships andhealthy, healthy ones at that,
right?
I used to tell my friends, and Ithink I talked about it in some
early podcasts as well, thatwhenever I'm on dating apps, I
(30:18):
really like it when I see aphoto of a guy with another guy
or a group of guys.
Cause I wanna see that he has abit of a social life, that he
isn't just a full-time, youknow, worker being dad.
I, I'm a sociable person.
I like to go out and be arounddifferent types of people.
I think that we're on thisplanet to make connections and
(30:40):
to grow and become betterpeople.
I think we need to be around avariety of different people,
right?
So, um, that's always a greenflag for me.
If I'm looking at a datingprofile and there's a picture of
a guy out with a bunch of dudesor at a wedding or with his
parents or whatever.
Um, so I guess there's a littleonline dating profile tip for
(31:02):
you.
Um, men and women, I always makesure to have the same, or I try
to, um, whenever I'm onlinedating as well.
Here's one for you.
This is my favorite green flag.
It's dating someone who washappy when I met them.
Hear me out.
(31:22):
I'm a fixer.
I'm a helper.
I'm a nurturer.
I am an enabler at heart.
So it's really, really importantto me to meet someone who is
happy and in a relatively goodplace in life.
Meaning they have a stable job.
(31:43):
They have time and resources tospend their, you know,
extracurricular time the waythat they want.
If that means that they belongto a gym and that's their thing,
great.
If they love to travel and theyhave time and energy to do that,
awesome.
Um, but I wanna meet someonewho's in a pretty good spot in
life because I've worked reallyhard to get to where I'm at.
(32:06):
So it's hard for me to consider,um, developing a relationship
with someone who maybe isn'tdivorced yet, or who is muddling
their way through a divorce, whois, um, making a big job.
You know, career transition.
Um, maybe I've been on dateswith men who are going through
(32:30):
some tough emotional times withtheir children.
You guys, that's, that's notwhen I want to meet someone, the
timing's off a little, right?
So a healthy boundary for me isto say, you know what?
I if the cases that I reallylike them, I tell them, Hey, I
really like you.
(32:50):
I think our timing is off.
You're going through some hardstuff right now.
Um, focus on that.
You do.
You I'll do me, you never know.
Maybe, maybe things will pan outlater, right?
That's fair.
But the green flag I'm lookingfor is a guy who's at a similar
spot in life that I'm at rightnow.
(33:10):
Because quite frankly, you guys,I don't think we should be
dating when we're, when we areat a low point or at a
crossroads or a reallychallenging time in life, that's
time to dig in and beresponsible.
, that's called adulty.
That means we need to take careof our kids.
That means we need to take careof our, our jobs or our
education or our finances or ourother relationships.
(33:35):
Um, that's not when I want tomeet someone.
So a green flag for me ismeeting a guy who is in a good
place, who is happy.
How's that for a green flag?
Here's a green flag.
They take care of themselves.
Mm-hmm.
, this can come ina variety of different ways,
(33:58):
maybe physically, right?
They work out, they do theirbest to eat well.
They protect themselvesemotionally, maybe from an ex,
maybe from, you know, externalconflict.
They see a therapist, they doyoga, they go on walks, they
have a dog.
(34:18):
Whatever that looks like.
Uh, I don't know about you, butI wanna be some with someone who
takes good care of themselvesand looks out for themselves and
isn't afraid to express a needor a desire or whatever for some
me time.
Because I gotta tell you, in mydating relationships, I
absolutely still take me time ifit's just to be alone for a
(34:43):
night.
If it's, um, to be present, totake care of my puppy, uh,
whatever it may be.
I definitely look out for Nurouno still because I don't want
to get lost in, you know, thatcaptivating fun stage of new
(35:06):
love or lus or whatever.
A green flag that is superimportant to me is
vulnerability.
I mean, I am an open book.
I am not afraid to share of mylife experiences clearly, or,
um, divulge most questions thatare asked of me in a dating
(35:28):
scenario.
And I don't know about you, butif I'm willing to share of
myself in that way, I sure hopethat the person sitting across
from me is two.
And it's just very, veryrefreshing to be with someone
who is comfortable enough intheir own skin to, um, share of
(35:51):
themselves in a similar way.
It is just pretty special toshare authenticity and be
genuine and unabashed.
And it just, it can be rare andhard to find because people are
so buttoned up and professionaland, uh, guarded a lot of the
(36:12):
time.
But man, when they're not, isn'tthat nice?
We should all, I think stride to, um, to be more vulnerable with
one another.
This one should be fun and easy.
I think a really simple greenflag to look for is someone who
has hobbies.
(36:33):
Ugh.
I mean, it's, first of all, it'sreally dull to go through life
with like, work kids house and,and that's it.
You know, Rinse, repeat, Nothanks.
That is boring as hell.
This is the perfect time in ourlives, I think, to explore our
interests and our passions andour talents.
(36:56):
So I think it's a beautifulgreen flag to find out what
people are into.
They should have some hobbies.
They should, they should havesome interests outside of the
must dos every day.
And if not, w w that's justboring.
(37:17):
And maybe more than boring, it'sjust a sign that they perhaps
should spend a little bit moretime on their own and develop
themselves in some way.
They should find, they shouldhave the time on their hands to
put some thought into what wouldbring them a little bit of joy
(37:38):
and happiness.
If it's gardening, if it'srunning, if it's cooking,
joining a choir, volunteering,whatever it is.
Um, it's just a really, I think,important green flag to watch
for that they have hobbies.
It doesn't mean that you have toshare the same hobbies by any
(38:01):
stretch.
I think it's sometimes moreinteresting to date people who
are into different things than Iam.
I mean, don't get me wrong, Ireally do love it when I meet
people who not like todrink wine and go to nice
restaurants and hike and beoutdoors and maybe they like
dogs and you know, I like towatch sports and go to concerts.
(38:23):
I mean, that's quite a bit,right?
But it's also pretty cool tomeet somebody who's into
something way different.
Like, I went on a date with aguy one time, I think I went on
two dates with him, but he islike an engineer and he had some
of the most interesting hobbiesand it was all like self taught.
I mean like, he taught himselfto code and some computer stuff
(38:44):
that I don't know anythingabout.
That's interesting.
But he got really into dronesand like, he created a side
business of, um, doing thosedrone videos for like real
estate companies.
You know what I'm talking about,where it shows like the whole
property, the exterior of thehome, all of that.
And I'm like, Holy, that'spretty cool.
That is pretty cool.
I don't know anything aboutthat.
(39:06):
Same goes for like, you know,smoking meats, barbecuing.
My brother is totally into thatform of cooking and is much of
a, you know, cooking and bakingenthusiast that I'm in.
Like, those aren't my mediums.
Like, that's not my forte.
Um, but I do, I do love it whenI talk to people who are
(39:27):
passionate about food and maybea different way than I am.
It's pretty cool.
Green flags everywhere.
We all should have some hobbiesand some interests, um, because
that is, you know, it just makesus a more developed, desirable
person to be around.
And it's because it bringspersonal happiness.
(39:48):
Okay, the last green flag thatI'm gonna leave you with, and I
know that there are a millionothers that we could talk about,
but it would be empathy or atleast sympathy.
Who wants to date someone thatyou don't feel like would care
for you if you were downphysically or emotionally?
(40:10):
I think it's a very big greenflag to meet a person who is
kind and is obviously caring forother people in their life.
If it's a dotting father or acaregiver to you know, their
mother or even just something assimple that you can pick up on,
(40:31):
on a date of like a guy who, youknow, takes care of his
neighbor's dog when they'reoutta town.
Or maybe just in conversation,you pick up on the fact that
they're a little selfless,sweet, compassionate, kind,
empathetic.
I mean, I don't know about youguys, but I'm not getting any
younger.
(40:52):
I can't be taken a risk withsome guy who only cares about
himself, who can't take care ofhimself.
I mean, there's gonna come atime where something's gonna
break.
You know, a hip, a wrist, anankle.
I don't know.
I'm not gonna live forever.
I wanna be with someone who's akind nurturing nurse to me like
(41:13):
I would be for him, right?
I think that's a fair green flagto watch for someone who is
thoughtful, opens doors, pullsout chairs.
I mean, those are shovel riskacts, but they're also selfless
acts.
They're putting someone beforeyourself.
(41:33):
I mean, as women, we can dosimilar things too, right?
I mean, I've been known to, Idon't know, bake cookies for
men, cupcakes, make littledeliveries and do sweet, kind
little acts just to show themthat I'm thinking of them.
It all goes a long way, I thinkto show someone that we care,
(41:56):
that we're there for them, thatif they need us, we will show
up.
Showing up in life is a biggreen flag.
Something that I talk about andwork on all the time.
I want to be the reliable kindperson to my friends and family
(42:17):
that they know they can count onme.
And likewise, I have my eyesopen, very, very watchfully.
I'm trying to keep this heart ofmine open too, for all these
green flags in others.
Kindness goes a long way and I'mwatching for it.
(42:43):
Hope that this episode made youthink a little bit, made you
maybe a little bit grateful forsome of these flags, these nice
green, healthy flags beingthrown your way over the course
of time.
It's easy to get stuck in a rutwhere all we focus on are all of
the red flags that we've seen indating, cuz they tend to be more
(43:04):
prevalent, honestly.
But boy, the green flags,they're there.
We just have to watch for'em andappreciate them when we see them
and, you know, pass them on, um,in a forward motion.
We need to be, um, growing andbeing the givers and not just
(43:25):
the receivers of these greenflags too.
Thanks a bunch for listening.
Hope you enjoyed episode 56Green Flags.
And you guys, what's up forepisode 57 is, uh, anyone's best
guess.
If you have an idea, message me.
I've got two weeks to, uh, to figure it out.
Put a little outline togetherand deliver it to you.
(43:47):
Um, kidding.
Kind of.
Um, I always say that there,there are just endless topics to
talk about on this podcast, andI still believe it to be true,
but, uh, a girl could always usesome extra inspiration.
So truthfully, hit me up.
Um, share the podcast with yourfriends and family, pretty
please.
That's how podcasts grow.
(44:08):
Uh, send me a message, let meknow what you'd like to hear me
talk about.
Or if you have a funny story orgreat idea, I'd love to hear it.
Until next time, big thank youto all of you.
Welcome to Man Shopping with Stacy, where I
share my real transparent datingand life experiences for your
amusement and inspiration.
You're listening to episode 56,Green Flags.
If you listen to the show,you'll know this is a follow up
to episode 55 where I talkedabout red flags.
(00:25):
So thankfully, this episodeshould be a little bit more
upbeat and a lot more positiveas I will be talking about all
things happy and healthy that weshould be looking for out in the
dating world.
This episode will be set up insomewhat of like a progressive
format.
(00:46):
So I think I'm gonna start justby talking about little green
flags that someone's into us.
What are some cues?
How do we know?
How do we pick up on things whensomeone in our life or online,
uh, likes us?
Next, I will talk about somegreen flags to look for when we
are planning a first date withsomeone that we've met online or
(01:11):
been introduced to, and then ofcourse, some first date green
flags to, uh, be aware of thatcould help us figure out if this
is someone that we should beinterested in seeing another
time.
And then of course, there arelots of green flags to be found
in healthy relationships.
(01:31):
So I'll get to those.
And of course, if you listen tothe podcast at all, you know,
I'm gonna share a bunch ofpersonal stories along the way.
I mean, I'm still single afterthree years of, of being on my
own over here.
Uh, but that's not because Ihaven't met some great men and
(01:52):
had some really, really goodlittle short-lived dating
relationships along the way withplenty of green flags, uh, worth
of experience to talk about onhere.
I mean, it's not all gloom anddoom people.
Okay?
So green flags, when we firstare introduced to someone, meet
(02:14):
someone out or meet someoneonline, and I'm just gonna start
referring to online, like in anyaspect, let's be real.
Most of us, it's just as commonto get a date through Facebook
or Instagram as it is Bumble orwhat have you.
So we meet someone and we aretexting usually.
(02:37):
How do we know?
How do we know that this issomebody that we want to meet?
I mean, countless, right?
Countless ways.
So we're gonna focus on the goodstuff today.
It's kind of hard.
My mind tends to go negativebecause it's so easy to point
out all the things that we don'tlike or that like rub us the
wrong way or, or, you know,scream, uh, don't go out with
(03:00):
this dude, but yeah, in thisone, Okay, let me get my mind
wrapped around this too.
We're just talking about thegood stuff.
Okay, so here are a few thingsthat I've learned to watch for
in texting communications.
This first really obvious screenflag is essentially part of
(03:20):
every single stage that I'mgonna talk about in this
episode.
And it's, do they have genuineinterest in you?
Are they asking questions ofyou, or are they just spewing
information about themselves?
So if they have a reason to textyou and they want to get to know
you, they should be asking andnot just telling the whole time.
(03:45):
I don't know about you guys, butsome of my best relationships
started off with that, likerapid fire back and forth
question, answer kind ofsituation where it's like, Holy,
I didn't know that you snowskied.
What's your favorite place?
Ugh, I haven't been there sinceI was a teenager last year.
This is where I went.
(04:05):
And it just goes back and forthand back and forth.
And it makes it so much funbecause you give a little bit of
yourself and then you also areexcited, hopefully to learn
about the other person or jokeat your differences, right?
I mean, I could, I could tagalong another green flag is the
banter, the natural banter.
(04:26):
If you are, you know, in initialtexting conversations with
someone, and there is naturalchemistry and witty banter, I
mean, isn't that the best?
That's a solid green flag towatch for when the communication
is natural and feels like atalking conversation.
(04:46):
And it's enjoyable.
If you've done much onlinedating, you definitely know the
difference.
So for me, when it's there, whenthat natural, uh, chemistry just
in texting, is there, uh, somuch fun.
And it definitely leads to, uh,me giving out my phone number.
If I'm on a dating app, I'llgive my phone number out real
(05:09):
quick or I'll be like, I just,we just need to see each other.
If it's a FaceTime because wedon't live in the same city, or
if it's a one-on-one date, itjust comes a lot quicker when
the texting is good.
So I think, I think looking forthe little green flags of the
ease of communication, thenatural curiosity and genuine
(05:30):
interest in one another arereally, really important green
flags to look for right away.
Along the lines of thiscommunicating early on with
people, I think a green flagwould be your own feelings.
When you see that person's namepop up on your phone, pay
(05:50):
attention to your gut.
Are you excited?
Are you like, ugh, exasperatedworn out?
Don't even feel like responding.
Pay attention.
It should be fun.
You should hopefully be into theperson you're messaging.
If you're not, like, why, whyare you taking time out of your
life to text that person?
I think, you know, the greenflag of getting us and, um,
(06:13):
excitement and, you know, all ofthat early on is real.
And not that it has to be thereand is a big piece of the
puzzle, but boy, recognize itwhen it is because that's saying
something.
And you know, again, I thinkthat this, this is rare, but I
will say there have been a fewguys that I've talked to over
(06:34):
the past few years that I getawfully excited.
Um, when I see their name pop upand I smile and that's like,
Okay, this is good.
This is, we are, we might beonto something, you know?
And if you're feeling like thatearly on, it's probably because
they're being kind, they'rebeing complimentary, they're
intriguing in some way and itmakes you want to chat more.
(06:57):
So those are excellent greenflags to watch for.
I think I could do an entireepisode on the different ways
that guys, I think they're liketrying to stand out when
they're, and I know women dothis stuff too early on in, um,
texting or dating relationships.
(07:19):
Like, I, I went out on a coupleof dates with this guy that
would send me a song everymorning, like from his Apple
library, and he was an old souland had great taste in music and
he, first of all, he introducedme to some stuff I didn't know,
and then he sent me some thingsthat kind of made my heart skip
(07:40):
a beat.
I wasn't even like, like, Idunno, I mean, I guess I was a
little smitten with him.
I knew he wasn't my guy, butboy, he was fun for a little
while and it was fun to like seethe, see whatever song he was
gonna send me.
Um, you know, this is likecommon behavior.
If you haven't stepped, youknow, your, your little foot
into the dating pool yet, like,you'll get it real quick.
(08:02):
Everybody has their kind ofsignature stuff that they do in
texting and sending a song wasactually a little unique as I
can only name one guy that didthat.
Um, more common would be likesending a selfie, right?
Sending the all too common goodmorning, beautiful text, or, um,
(08:26):
one of the things I also reallylike, which a, a guy that I
dated recently, um, would do issend stuff from Instagram like
dm me, like reels and stuff thathe saw in Instagram that he knew
I would like.
And what was really cool aboutthat is he paid really good
(08:47):
attention.
He knew what I was into, whatwould make me laugh.
He knew my sense of humor.
He knew my, you know, myinterests with like dogs or
cooking or just totally randomfunny that he knew would make me
laugh.
Um, that's a good time.
That's a good time.
So, I don't know, I guess ifyou're looking for a different
(09:08):
way to stand out or grabsomebody's attention, those are
a couple of little ideas.
Not that they're that original,but I mean, I don't know.
That kind of stuff goes a longway with me.
Um, cuz you don't wanna come offas bland or boring right out of
the gates.
I mean, trying to, you know, puta good foot forward and, and,
(09:30):
uh, make a good impression.
And I think that's a couple ofcute little ways that you could
show someone that you'reinterested.
While we're still on thissubject of early on texting type
of relationships, this is alittle controversial and I don't
know, I'm not even sure how Ifeel about it myself, but, you
know, you can gauge a decentamount of interest by how long
(09:54):
it takes someone to respond toyou, right?
So in general, a green flagwould be someone who gets back
to you in a reasonable amount oftime.
If they, if they see your DM onInstagram and they at least like
it or, or make a quick commentback, that's a good sign, right?
(10:16):
If they're responding to yourtext messages as quickly as you
are getting back to them, that'sa good sign.
So it doesn't, I'm not trying tosay like, if, if someone leaves
you hanging for a few hours orwhatever, that that's a red flag
because it definitely doesn'thave to be.
Um, but most of us can tell whensomeone's excited about us and
(10:39):
we know because they'reconsistent, that's a green flag
to watch for.
They're consistent, right?
They, they get back to us in agood amount of time and they
have something clever orinteresting to say or a good
question to ask to follow,follow up with us.
A green flag early on is beingable to tell that the other
(11:01):
person has interest in you.
If you are confused most of thetime, they're not that into you.
So people who listen to mypodcast are not interested in
trying to create something outtanothing.
It should be obvious people.
The green flag is they tell youdirectly, I'm excited to meet
(11:28):
you.
I think you are great.
I am looking forward to gettingto know you better.
Yeah, it should be that easy.
If it's not, um, then I'm gonnasay maybe it's a red flag.
Okay.
I think I've pretty wellexhausted the texting and
messaging, uh, stage of gettingto know someone.
(11:50):
Let's move on to planning thefirst date.
I don't know about you all, butI really like decisive people.
the time and I am a little oldfashioned.
So with those two caveats putout just very, very clearly, I
like it when a man has a plan.
I like a man with a plan.
(12:11):
That's right.
I like a guy who's like, Whenare you free this week?
You know, What does youravailability look like the next
few days?
I mean, just puts it out thereso that I can say, as a busy
working mom, you know, uh, lookslike I'm free Thursday, happy
(12:31):
hour or Saturday night, what'sgood for you?
You get where I'm going withthis.
It's really a green flag.
When someone plans a date.
This can go in either direction.
Male, female, female, male, Idon't care.
But one of the two of you hasgotta figure out when, where
(12:51):
we're meeting, right?
And that's a green flag whensomeone can pin down a, uh, a
time, a day and a place, uh, toget together for the first time.
And they do so with joy.
Are you listening?
It's not a drag, it's not aexasperated, you know, desperate
(13:13):
attempt to, to pin somebody downon the calendar.
And it's also not like an agendaitem that gets added to the end
of someone's really busy list.
It's, it's a fun, it's a fun,happy thing to get together for
a first date.
And if it's not, then don't go.
So the green flag is the dategets planned efficiently.
(13:39):
And joyfully, Yeah, I thinkthose are very solid green
flags.
Let me tell you how you takethis green flag and embellish
it.
Let's bedazzle the green flagwith sequin and glitter.
The first date Green flag can beextra special when you don't
(14:05):
just joyfully and efficientlyplan the first date, but you
make it super special based onthe individual preferences and
interests of your date.
How does one do that?
Well, one listens to the likes,taste, preferences, enjoyments
(14:31):
of the other person, and thenplans a special date just for
them.
I'll share with you the story ofthe best executed bedazzled
green flag date that I've beenon maybe ever, but for sure in
my recent, recent past.
So this guy recognized yes, thatI love food, that I like to
(14:56):
share my food, that I like totry different things in
different places.
So he planned a dinner date at alocal restaurant called the
Corvino Supper Club.
It is, uh, really, really cutelittle local spot with just
superb food.
Like the best small plateselection ever.
(15:17):
Really nice wine.
Just did it right.
I mean, did it right for one.
He actually, because he wasexcited and not scared to let me
know.
Uh, he bumped the date up fromlike a Sunday night to a Friday
night.
And there was a reason the datewas supposed to take place on
(15:38):
Sunday night, but I know thereason it got bumped to Friday
night was because he was excitedto meet me and I was mutually
excited to meet him.
We met at the restaurant greenflag.
We both complimented oneanother.
I cannot tell you how importantthis is.
If you like the way your datelooks, you should tell them
(16:03):
compliment something.
It just sends a good signal tothe person that you're with,
that you're into them, that youlike them.
Even if you're not that intothem or you're unsure, I'm gonna
bet you can find something niceto say about their appearance
when you first meet them.
It helps so much just to get offon the right foot.
(16:26):
I can't tell you how far it goesanyway, with this guy.
I gotta tell you, there, therewere sparks.
So it was easy.
We were both like, like very,very pleased, um, to be looking
at each other a face to face forthe first time.
And neither of us tried to hideit.
We were giddy, like, like, youknow, teenagers.
(16:49):
It was fun.
We sat across from one anotherand easily came up with what to
order to share.
That's a green flag.
No struggle.
Wasn't awkward, it wasn't weird.
It was fun.
And what a fun time like toshare food with somebody.
I love going to restaurantswhere it's not like super formal
(17:12):
to where, you know, like, thisis your plate, this is my plate.
Um, but small plates coming inrounds.
Yeah, that is totally my style.
And he knew it.
He ordered well.
He ordered a great bottle ofwine.
I mean, at the end of the date,another green flag.
You know, I think it's a greenflag when the waitress comes
around.
If you're on a coffee date or ifyou're on a, you know, happy
(17:35):
hour date or a dinner date whenyou both linger and wanna stick
around for like another roundor, or go, you know, hop to
another place after or whatever.
Totally green flag.
You ever wonder if someone'sinto you, if they ask you after
dinner, like you wanna grab adrink or I, hey, there's another
spot I'd love to take you to.
(17:56):
I mean, take'em up on it.
If you're into'em, that's asign.
That's a great green flag.
So, um, on this date inparticular, we ended with da da
da da.
My very favorite.
If you, uh, if you listen tothe, the podcast or read
anything, I post online, you'llknow I'm very into the bubbly.
(18:18):
And, uh, so was this guy.
So we ended with a glass of, uh,you know, whatever, champagne,
sparkling wine.
Totally enjoyed it.
Um, that's a great freakingfirst date.
Not every first date is gonna bea fancy dinner out.
There's live music.
Did I mention that?
I mean, that was a prettyspecial first date with a couple
people who knew that they wereinto one another before they
(18:40):
went out.
But I think that there's easyways to throw green flags all
over the place.
Um, even at a coffee date ormeeting in the park or whatever,
and it's some of the stuff I'vealready mentioned, joyfully,
meet up with someone, complimentthem, ask them questions, be
interested.
Um, and if those things arehappening to you, then give
(19:03):
yourself a pat on the back.
You're doing something right.
Green flags are being thrownyour way, easy way to, uh, show
a green flag after a date.
I mean, obviously, uh, there's afew different ways you could do
this.
I mean, then I could end with akiss or I mean maybe more.
Um, or there is the very politethank you if you like someone.
(19:28):
Now, I mean, honestly, I couldhave used a handbook for how to
date as an adult whenever I wasfirst divorced.
And I was like, seriouslysearching podcasts and Instagram
sites and stuff for advice onthis kind of thing.
So I hope this helps some newbieout there.
But if you go on a date and youfeel like it went pretty well,
(19:49):
but you're a little unsure, butyou'd sure like to see the
person again, and it's all kindof questionable.
I mean, my advice to throw agreen flag their way would be
send a very direct message whenyou get home.
I don't even wait till the nextday people, I am that
transparent with my dates.
(20:10):
Send a green flag and say, I hadsuch a nice time tonight.
It was so nice meeting you.
Thank you.
You know, thank you for a greatnight out.
Whatever it is, thank them.
And then go ahead, people goahead and put it in the text
message and say, I would love tosee you again soon.
(20:32):
And if you wanna be moreforward, you could go ahead and
ask for the second date.
If you're free, you know, laterthis week, I'd love to see you
again.
Or, hey, I know of somethinggoing on Thursday night, I'd
love to take you with me if youcan, can make it whatever it is.
That's a green flag.
And hey, guess what?
Wouldn't you rather just cut tothe chase and, and know how the
(20:54):
other person is feeling thanlike wait three days for them to
text you?
I think there's just a lot ofmissed opportunities by people
not being bold and just puttingit out there because, you know,
we're all adults here.
You can politely decline.
I if you're on the receiving endof messages like this.
And that happens to the best ofus, me included, a hundred
percent.
(21:15):
Um, so a green flag, definitely,even if you don't wanna go out
with them again, there are very,there's a ton of stuff online
you can look up that's moreeloquent than I am.
But there's a lot of ways to saythank you, I had a lovely time.
I think you're a great person.
Um, without leading them onthat, you want a second date as
(21:37):
well.
So super obvious dating greenflags.
They keep asking you out, theykeep messaging you, they can't
get enough of you.
They are excited about you.
They wanna know more.
They are honest, open,transparent, sweet, kind,
putting their best foot forward.
This is what should happen.
(21:57):
People when, when we are newlydating, it shouldn't be
stressful.
It shouldn't be hard.
It shouldn't be ambiguous.
It shouldn't leave us wonderinghow they feel about us.
It should be bold, direct,exciting, sweet, fun, all of
(22:18):
those things at the beginning.
There's no reason it shouldn'tbe.
If you find yourselfquestioning, doubting their
intentions, if they like you,um, if if they're having a good
time, if they wanna get to knowyou more, then it's not going
well and you might as well justcut it off.
Honestly, that's how I see itanyway.
It should be easy first date ortwo.
(22:40):
Come on.
Those are the good times wherewe're all behaving ourselves,
right?
stuff.
I mean, it's been a minute sinceI've been in a real
relationship, but I'm, you know,there are resources for this.
I've looked some stuff up.
I, I, uh, I'm aware of what ahealthy relationship would look
(23:01):
like if I, if I ever were tofind myself in one.
And I'm gonna share all thisgoodness with you guys.
Relationship green flags, Okay?
If you're someone like me andhas been through some, um,
unhealthy relationships ormarriage as in the past, then
you know all about boundaries.
(23:21):
Maybe you've read a book or two,or listen to some podcasts about
how to set healthy boundaries.
I mean, these are skills thathopefully we learn throughout
our lives, but if you're likeStacy weer, you don't learn them
until you know, your latethirties or early forties.
Um, but being with someone whorespects boundaries is something
really important to me.
(23:42):
That can look like a milliondifferent things.
But if your, um, here's anexample.
I like to spend time with mydaughter.
It means a lot to me.
So when she doesn't work in theevenings, that's when I try to
be home, make dinner for her,you know, put in a solid, I
(24:06):
don't know, 45 minutes, FaceTime, you know, together at the
dinner table or on the couch inthat, in the evening.
And, um, I wanna be with a manwho respects the time that I
want to spend with my kid,right?
And this plays out in a lot ofdifferent ways, but, um, our
children as divorced people, ourchildren should be our priority.
(24:30):
They should come way beforeanyone that we're dating and
that time should be respected.
This isn't much different, um,than our time with our other
family members or our friends orour work.
Whoever we are with shouldrespect our boundaries on how we
(24:53):
choose to spend our time.
They should not make us feelguilty, feel bad for how we
spend our time.
Um, they shouldn't, um, convinceus, you know, to, to, uh,
stretch those boundaries in anyway.
So there's just one littleexample of the person that we're
(25:15):
with should respect our healthyboundaries.
That could be about time, thatcould be about money, that could
be about substances, likealcohol.
If you're someone who is inrecovery and doesn't drink, then
the, the person that you'redating or in a relationship with
should respect you and yourchoices and not push substances
(25:39):
on you.
Things like that.
That's where I'm coming from.
Respect our healthy boundaries.
People, we work hard to setthem.
It takes practice, it takesdiscipline, it takes experience.
Um, but it should be respected,especially early in dating.
Come on, this, this should be agiven.
This should be a given.
(26:01):
I mean, we could take this andspin it in a sexual way.
Whoever we are with shouldrespect our bodies and our
timeframe on how we are choosingto give of ourselves intimately,
right?
(26:21):
If, if a kiss after the firstdate doesn't feel right, don't
do it.
And whoever you're with shouldget it.
I mean, listen to some of myearly podcasts, or I guess I've
written about it in my book thatyou haven't read cuz it's not
finished yet.
(26:41):
turn your head away from theother person and give them a
little hug at the end of thedate.
There's ways to get around thesethings that are pretty clear,
um, and still polite, right?
Um, but a green flag isdefinitely being with someone
who understands where you're atemotionally and physically and
doesn't press.
Uh, you should get on the samepage.
(27:03):
And, you know, sometimes ittakes, takes a little while to
be in that kind of nuanced, um,intimate dance with someone
else.
And if it's not, if you're notin exactly the same place, then
a green flag would be someonewho understands, who gets it.
Probably don't even have tospeak of it honestly.
(27:24):
It, it should be justunderstood.
And there should be patiencegiven when needed, right?
That's a green flag.
I mean, I'd like to say a greenflag is when you just can't keep
your hands off of one anotherbecause I mean, that can be a
green flag too.
Maybe, maybe maybe certainpercentage of the time that
(27:44):
turns into a red flag.
But, um, you know, green flagsare least when you're
compatible.
We talk about that.
That's a separate but good greenflag.
I've been asked in someinterviews like, what makes sex
good?
What, what makes you wanna jumpinto bed with someone?
(28:07):
I've really, I've been askedquestions like that.
Um, I always say it starts witha kiss.
I mean, a green flag for me, forchemistry is all about, first of
all, I need to look at a guy'sface and not wanna look away.
Like I'm a face person.
I like pretty faces.
And so if I'm looking at a guyand they're grabbing my
(28:29):
attention and making me smileand I just lock in on him and it
feels great, that's awesome.
That's a green flag.
A green flag is a perfectlynatural, sweet little kiss for
me.
I think it gives a lot away ofwhat it would be like to be
together physically.
And it, that first green flagsign of a good kiss really
(28:53):
hasn't let me down much, Um, inmy experience that that's a good
green flag.
Typically, that leads to, to,you know, physical intimacy too.
Green flags that I look for Nowbecause of experience, time and
learning.
The hard way would be torecognize that someone has
(29:14):
longstanding friendships, goodrelationships with family
members.
Now, taking into consideration,right, that family's hard and,
you know, I don't expecteveryone to still be friends
with their high school friends.
I mean, I'm not, they broke upwith me.
That's another episode calledfriendship breakups if you're
(29:35):
interested.
Um, but you know, someone whorelatively has some, some good
friendships in their, theirlives, people that they can
count on.
They're not loners.
They get along with a sibling orto a parent or to a cousin or to
their own children.
Those are pretty good signs thatyou're with someone who's, um,
(29:57):
reliable, trustworthy, uh, goodperson if they have some
longstanding relationships andhealthy, healthy ones at that,
right?
I used to tell my friends, and Ithink I talked about it in some
early podcasts as well, thatwhenever I'm on dating apps, I
(30:18):
really like it when I see aphoto of a guy with another guy
or a group of guys.
Cause I wanna see that he has abit of a social life, that he
isn't just a full-time, youknow, worker being dad.
I, I'm a sociable person.
I like to go out and be arounddifferent types of people.
I think that we're on thisplanet to make connections and
(30:40):
to grow and become betterpeople.
I think we need to be around avariety of different people,
right?
So, um, that's always a greenflag for me.
If I'm looking at a datingprofile and there's a picture of
a guy out with a bunch of dudesor at a wedding or with his
parents or whatever.
Um, so I guess there's a littleonline dating profile tip for
(31:02):
you.
Um, men and women, I always makesure to have the same, or I try
to, um, whenever I'm onlinedating as well.
Here's one for you.
This is my favorite green flag.
It's dating someone who washappy when I met them.
Hear me out.
(31:22):
I'm a fixer.
I'm a helper.
I'm a nurturer.
I am an enabler at heart
So it's really, really importantto me to meet someone who is
happy and in a relatively goodplace in life.
Meaning they have a stable job.
(31:43):
They have time and resources tospend their, you know,
extracurricular time the waythat they want.
If that means that they belongto a gym and that's their thing,
great.
If they love to travel and theyhave time and energy to do that,
awesome.
Um, but I wanna meet someonewho's in a pretty good spot in
life because I've worked reallyhard to get to where I'm at.
(32:06):
So it's hard for me to consider,um, developing a relationship
with someone who maybe isn'tdivorced yet, or who is muddling
their way through a divorce, whois, um, making a big job.
You know, career transition.
Um, maybe I've been on dateswith men who are going through
(32:30):
some tough emotional times withtheir children.
You guys, that's, that's notwhen I want to meet someone, the
timing's off a little, right?
So a healthy boundary for me isto say, you know what?
I if the cases that I reallylike them, I tell them, Hey, I
really like you.
(32:50):
I think our timing is off.
You're going through some hardstuff right now.
Um, focus on that.
You do.
You I'll do me, you never know.
Maybe, maybe things will pan outlater, right?
That's fair.
But the green flag I'm lookingfor is a guy who's at a similar
spot in life that I'm at rightnow.
(33:10):
Because quite frankly, you guys,I don't think we should be
dating when we're, when we areat a low point or at a
crossroads or a reallychallenging time in life, that's
time to dig in and beresponsible.
That means we need to take careof our kids.
That means we need to take careof our, our jobs or our
education or our finances or ourother relationships.
(33:35):
Um, that's not when I want tomeet someone.
So a green flag for me ismeeting a guy who is in a good
place, who is happy.
How's that for a green flag?
Here's a green flag.
They take care of themselves.
Mm-hmm.
(33:58):
maybe physically, right?
They work out, they do theirbest to eat well.
They protect themselvesemotionally, maybe from an ex,
maybe from, you know, externalconflict.
They see a therapist, they doyoga, they go on walks, they
have a dog.
(34:18):
Whatever that looks like.
Uh, I don't know about you, butI wanna be some with someone who
takes good care of themselvesand looks out for themselves and
isn't afraid to express a needor a desire or whatever for some
me time.
Because I gotta tell you, in mydating relationships, I
absolutely still take me time ifit's just to be alone for a
(34:43):
night.
If it's, um, to be present, totake care of my puppy, uh,
whatever it may be.
I definitely look out for Nurouno still because I don't want
to get lost in, you know, thatcaptivating fun stage of new
(35:06):
love or lus or whatever.
A green flag that is superimportant to me is
vulnerability.
I mean, I am an open book.
I am not afraid to share of mylife experiences clearly, or,
um, divulge most questions thatare asked of me in a dating
(35:28):
scenario.
And I don't know about you, butif I'm willing to share of
myself in that way, I sure hopethat the person sitting across
from me is two.
And it's just very, veryrefreshing to be with someone
who is comfortable enough intheir own skin to, um, share of
(35:51):
themselves in a similar way.
It is just pretty special toshare authenticity and be
genuine and unabashed.
And it just, it can be rare andhard to find because people are
so buttoned up and professionaland, uh, guarded a lot of the
(36:12):
time.
But man, when they're not, isn'tthat nice?
We should all, I think stride to, um, to be more vulnerable with
one another.
This one should be fun and easy.
I think a really simple greenflag to look for is someone who
has hobbies.
(36:33):
Ugh.
I mean, it's, first of all, it'sreally dull to go through life
with like, work kids house and,and that's it.
You know, Rinse, repeat, Nothanks.
That is boring as hell.
This is the perfect time in ourlives, I think, to explore our
interests and our passions andour talents.
(36:56):
So I think it's a beautifulgreen flag to find out what
people are into.
They should have some hobbies.
They should, they should havesome interests outside of the
must dos every day.
And if not, w w that's justboring.
(37:17):
And maybe more than boring, it'sjust a sign that they perhaps
should spend a little bit moretime on their own and develop
themselves in some way.
They should find, they shouldhave the time on their hands to
put some thought into what wouldbring them a little bit of joy
(37:38):
and happiness.
If it's gardening, if it'srunning, if it's cooking,
joining a choir, volunteering,whatever it is.
Um, it's just a really, I think,important green flag to watch
for that they have hobbies.
It doesn't mean that you have toshare the same hobbies by any
(38:01):
stretch.
I think it's sometimes moreinteresting to date people who
are into different things than Iam.
I mean, don't get me wrong, Ireally do love it when I meet
people who not
restaurants and hike and beoutdoors and maybe they like
dogs and you know, I like towatch sports and go to concerts.
(38:23):
I mean, that's quite a bit,right?
But it's also pretty cool tomeet somebody who's into
something way different.
Like, I went on a date with aguy one time, I think I went on
two dates with him, but he islike an engineer and he had some
of the most interesting hobbiesand it was all like self taught.
I mean like, he taught himselfto code and some computer stuff
(38:44):
that I don't know anythingabout.
That's interesting.
But he got really into dronesand like, he created a side
business of, um, doing thosedrone videos for like real
estate companies.
You know what I'm talking about,where it shows like the whole
property, the exterior of thehome, all of that.
And I'm like, Holy, that'spretty cool.
That is pretty cool.
I don't know anything aboutthat.
(39:06):
Same goes for like, you know,smoking meats, barbecuing.
My brother is totally into thatform of cooking and is much of
a, you know, cooking and bakingenthusiast that I'm in.
Like, those aren't my mediums.
Like, that's not my forte.
Um, but I do, I do love it whenI talk to people who are
(39:27):
passionate about food and maybea different way than I am.
It's pretty cool.
Green flags everywhere.
We all should have some hobbiesand some interests, um, because
that is, you know, it just makesus a more developed, desirable
person to be around.
And it's because it bringspersonal happiness.
(39:48):
Okay, the last green flag thatI'm gonna leave you with, and I
know that there are a millionothers that we could talk about,
but it would be empathy or atleast sympathy.
Who wants to date someone thatyou don't feel like would care
for you if you were downphysically or emotionally?
(40:10):
I think it's a very big greenflag to meet a person who is
kind and is obviously caring forother people in their life.
If it's a dotting father or acaregiver to you know, their
mother or even just something assimple that you can pick up on,
(40:31):
on a date of like a guy who, youknow, takes care of his
neighbor's dog when they'reoutta town.
Or maybe just in conversation,you pick up on the fact that
they're a little selfless,sweet, compassionate, kind,
empathetic.
I mean, I don't know about youguys, but I'm not getting any
younger.
(40:52):
I can't be taken a risk withsome guy who only cares about
himself, who can't take care ofhimself.
I mean, there's gonna come atime where something's gonna
break.
You know, a hip, a wrist, anankle.
I don't know.
I'm not gonna live forever.
I wanna be with someone who's akind nurturing nurse to me like
(41:13):
I would be for him, right?
I think that's a fair green flagto watch for someone who is
thoughtful, opens doors, pullsout chairs.
I mean, those are shovel riskacts, but they're also selfless
acts.
They're putting someone beforeyourself.
(41:33):
I mean, as women, we can dosimilar things too, right?
I mean, I've been known to, Idon't know, bake cookies for
men, cupcakes, make littledeliveries and do sweet, kind
little acts just to show themthat I'm thinking of them.
It all goes a long way, I thinkto show someone that we care,
(41:56):
that we're there for them, thatif they need us, we will show
up.
Showing up in life is a biggreen flag.
Something that I talk about andwork on all the time.
I want to be the reliable kindperson to my friends and family
(42:17):
that they know they can count onme.
And likewise, I have my eyesopen, very, very watchfully.
I'm trying to keep this heart ofmine open too, for all these
green flags in others.
Kindness goes a long way and I'mwatching for it.
(42:43):
Hope that this episode made youthink a little bit, made you
maybe a little bit grateful forsome of these flags, these nice
green, healthy flags beingthrown your way over the course
of time.
It's easy to get stuck in a rutwhere all we focus on are all of
the red flags that we've seen indating, cuz they tend to be more
(43:04):
prevalent, honestly.
But boy, the green flags,they're there.
We just have to watch for'em andappreciate them when we see them
and, you know, pass them on, um,in a forward motion.
We need to be, um, growing andbeing the givers and not just
(43:25):
the receivers of these greenflags too.
Thanks a bunch for listening.
Hope you enjoyed episode 56Green Flags.
And you guys, what's up forepisode 57 is, uh, anyone's best
guess.
If you have an idea, message me.
I've got two weeks to, uh,
Put a little outline togetherand deliver it to you.
(43:47):
Um, kidding.
Kind of.
Um, I always say that there,there are just endless topics to
talk about on this podcast, andI still believe it to be true,
but, uh, a girl could always usesome extra inspiration.
So truthfully, hit me up.
Um, share the podcast with yourfriends and family, pretty
please.
That's how podcasts grow.
(44:08):
Uh, send me a message, let meknow what you'd like to hear me
talk about.
Or if you have a funny story orgreat idea, I'd love to hear it.
Until next time, big thank youto all of you.
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