March 11, 2022 • 31 mins
This episode is all about a fact of life... rejection.
To begin, I discuss how the end of a significant relationship or marriage can feel like the ultimate rejection. Sometimes these relationships end due to infidelity, growing apart, or choosing a vice over the relationship. I dive into how I experienced rejection throughout my two divorces.
Rejection can also be less significant yet it still stings. Examples of this type of rejection are when we flirt in person or online and it is not reciprocated. We may be ignored after following or DMing someone. Likewise, Dating Apps can feel like a constant source of rejection when we are not matched, ignored, or ghosted.
Sometimes we are rejected because the person we are interested in is unavailable or emotionally unavailable. To make this point, I share a personal story from college. I fell hard for a frat guy I was spending time with only to find out later he had a girlfriend. Because I was young and naive (& a dumb ass) I wrote him a letter pleading for him to choose me despite my friend LaTonya's disapproval. In the end, he ignored and rejected me. He wasn't available! Think about some of the rejections you've had in life. Were some of them because the other person was in a relationship with someone else or emotionally unavailable?
One of my girlfriends experienced rejection after meeting a man who seemed to be her perfect match. Out of nowhere, a few weeks into their budding romance, he broke things off. He told her he was more interested in another woman. Understandably, this rejection made my gorgeous friend doubt her physical beauty because he preferred women with big boobs and long hair. We are all prone to self doubt when someone chooses another over us., myself included. Let's all work on being confident in our self image and not let someone else's preferences and choices have negative impacts on our self esteem... especially when they are shallow.
Lastly, I share two rejection stories from my friends. They are different stories but with a similar theme. They both felt they were rejected because they didn't meet someone's social standards. They were young but they weren't wealthy, educated, or accomplished as their suitors desired. Their stories beg the question... Do we really want to know WHY we are rejected by someone OR is it enough to simply know that (for whatever reason) we are not what they're hoping for in a partner.
Rejection is indeed a fact of life. We are in this together! This unique time in our lives as singles later in life is complicated! Let's support and rally around our friends as we experience rejection.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to man shopping with Stacy, where I
share my real raw dating andlife experiences for your
amusement and inspiration.
I'm your host, Stacy weer, andyour listening to season one
finale, episode 45.
It's not you it's me.
(00:23):
This episode is all aboutrejection and it was an idea
sent to me by a listener.
So thank you very much.
Brandy void.
Isn't it true?
That rejection just is a fact oflife.
In this episode, I am going toshare some rejection stories of
my own and from some of myfriends and along the way
(00:48):
throughout the stories, I willdo my best to weave in some tips
and advice to hopefully takeaway the sting just a little
bit, because let's face it.
Rejection does sting.
It burns, it hurts.
It bruises our egos in thecontext of a divorce or the end
(01:13):
of a serious relationship.
Rejection is often inherent,right?
Maybe there's been infidelity,whether it's an emotional affair
or a full blown sexual affair.
I know from experience that itis gut wrenching.
I know I'm not alone on thisone, but boy did this type of
(01:34):
rejection.
Make me feel like an idiot.
I felt stupid.
I felt like that ultimate senseof betrayal that I should have
been wiser to catch onto.
I just felt like I had been had,and it just made me feel small.
And I also started doing all ofthe questioning of myself.
(01:57):
Why, why aren't I enough?
Why isn't our sex life enough?
Why aren't I, you know,appealing enough, intriguing
enough?
Why can't I hold his attention?
What is it about her?
You know, then the, the storyflips.
What does she have that I don'thave.
I found myself wanting to knowall of the details I wanted to
(02:19):
know when it started, when itended and everything in between.
Uh, it was just absolutelymaddening.
But as I worked my way throughit got counseling, had time on
my side and, um, was able toprocess it.
It didn't take very long for meto figure out, Hey, guess what?
(02:42):
It's not about me.
It's not about her.
It's about him.
It's his issues that led to theend of our marriage and his
emotional or whatever affairthat he had now.
Sometimes cheating can just bethe tell, you know, on a really
(03:03):
unhealthy marriage.
It happens for a lot ofdifferent reasons, but honestly,
in my case, after talkingthrough everything with my now
ex I pretty, I'm sure he would100% agree with me that he
enjoyed the attention.
He was a little insecure.
(03:25):
Um, it was a familiar girl thathe was communicating with.
And there was a high level ofintrigue between the two of
them.
And it just became a wild,romantic escapade between the
two of them that had little to,nothing to do with me or our
(03:47):
marriage.
It was just a selfish act.
And sometimes it is just thatsimple.
And for me, that helped me, youknow, get over the feelings of
rejection.
Once I discovered that throughconversation with him and got
counseling on my own,nonetheless, it was a hard
rejection to get over.
Of course it was, you know,sometimes our partners don't
(04:13):
reject us because they've chosensomeone else.
Sometimes they reject us becausethey don't want to be with us
anymore.
Maybe this strikes chord withyou, we've grown apart.
You've changed.
You are not the person that youwere when we met, or when we
(04:34):
married our life doesn't lookanything like what you promised
me, it would look like youhaven't met the expectations
that I had for you when you were, when we were young, you're
different.
Now we don't work anymore.
This is all too common, too.
Another very pure sense ofrejection that can just be
(04:56):
really hard to accept.
And here's another really sadone that I know that some of you
can relate to.
Um, just like me.
How about when you get rejectedbecause your partner has chosen
advice or a habit, an addiction,instead of you, oddly to me, it
(05:16):
felt so much like I was beingcheated on.
I told my second, ex-husbandthat repeatedly throughout our
marriage.
It's like, you are cheating onme with booze.
I don't trust you.
You're lying to me.
You are hiding things from me.
You are manipulating me allbecause you put booze before me.
(05:42):
And in the end he did reject me.
He rejected my offers of help.
He rejected my unconditionallove and support of him.
He didn't want any of it.
He didn't just not want any ofit.
He also blamed me for everythingstill does to this day, actually
(06:06):
really, really difficult form ofrejection to process because
there's no in my experienceanyway, there's just no
resolution.
There's no resolution untilbooze is out of the picture.
And I never had any control overthat.
And now I feel more helplessthan ever because I'm not even
(06:29):
in his life anymore.
Wow.
Yeah.
Rejection sucks.
Hmm.
So think about all of thosethings that I just talked about,
being cheated on, being toldyou're just not it anymore or
being, being rejected because ofan addiction.
(06:50):
And they have chosen their um'repoison, you know, over you.
So that's hard.
Most of us at this point in ourlife, if you're listening to my
podcast have experienced thateither for yourself or you've
been on the receiving end,right?
So you live through all of that.
You get through it, you survive,you try to learn from it.
(07:11):
Hopefully if you haven't, Isuggest you just take a big
pause, like a big long monthsand months and months, maybe
years and years and years topause.
And, um, until, you know,until you can process that I'm
still doing it.
I've I've been in this camp forwhat?
Like two and a half years now.
(07:32):
Yeah.
That's why I'm talking into themicrophone.
but we go through all ofthat rejection and then what
happens next?
Oh, Lordy, we put ourselves backout there again.
We try to break down the walls.
We let our guard down.
And then we open our hearts andour minds and we're like, I'm
(07:55):
doing it.
I'm dipping a toe in the datingpool.
Here we go, friends.
I just got on Facebook.
And I sent a friend request tothis guy that I met at this 40th
birthday party, like five yearsago.
And he may not remember me, butboy, he made an impression on me
and I just did it.
I just put it out there and ohmy God, I can't wait.
(08:17):
I cannot wait for him torespond.
Oh, I just, I just know he'sgonna ask me out because I mean,
I still remember him, so Iprobably made an impression on
him too.
And then what happens?
He never accepted my friendrequest, but what?
Huh?
It's me.
I mean, I got game.
(08:38):
I'm good at this.
I mean, I used to be able topick up, like, I am totally
capable of landing a 45 year oldaccountant with a receding
hairline.
He should want me, like, heshould be banging down my door
(08:58):
to take me out.
And then he doesn't what, whatthe?
What is up with this?
What is this weird world that welive in now?
Yeah.
Welcome.
Welcome to dating.
After divorce.
Welcome to being single in yourforties, fifties, sixties, plus
(09:20):
like this is the new world welive in where it is complicated.
Um, it is complicated.
I'm just gonna say it'scomplicated.
So how about that for rejection?
I mean, it can just be real lamefeeble attempts of reaching out
on social media.
(09:40):
I have been blown off ignored,never responded to never
messaged back.
Never followed hell yeah.
Time and time again.
And then on the flip side,there's like the slew of DMS.
Like, Hey, Hey, beautiful.
Hey, good morning.
(10:02):
You know what I'm saying?
That's some lame that's, that'snot a lot of effort put, put
into that.
That does not deserve a responsenor do they ever get responses
to messages like that randoms inthe DMS.
But I have to admit there wasthis one guy on Instagram that
totally caught my eye.
It's been a while now, but hejust seemed pretty intriguing.
(10:26):
Um, I think he's good looking.
We have some mutual friends.
We hang out at some of the sameplaces he appears to be single.
You catch my drift.
Like he caught my eye and earlyon, I was like, follow yeah,
click that button.
And so then I was following himand then I could see more of his
(10:48):
life and, you know, draw moreconclusions on my own as to who
this man of mystery really isbecause I don't know him.
I dunno him at all.
I just had a little crush on himfrom what I could see of him and
his life on his Instagramaccount.
Right.
Well, I became quitedisappointed when he never
(11:09):
followed me back.
Who knows if he's looked at myphotos, given me a second glance
or a second thought, right.
Well, a lot of time passed andthen out of nowhere, he starts
looking at my stories.
Now truly only my singlelisteners are going to
understand this cat and mousegame that is flirting or being
(11:33):
single on Instagram.
But, um, it just brings to mindthat meme on like Tinder blog or
something that, that says thatmodern courtship is basically
women posting stories and menresponding with fire emojis.
I like to think that that's nottrue, but if I'm being honest, I
(11:56):
wish that guy had given a fireemoji on one of my stories.
Um, so yeah, I mean small formsof rejection or just that I
think trying to connect withpeople through social media and
not getting, uh, you know, anexcited response back or
interest at all, it sucks.
(12:17):
And that's what most of us fallprey to, you know, a lot of
times, um, while we're separatedearly and divorced when we're
vulnerable and we're reachingout to people that maybe we
dated a long time ago or had athing for or whatever.
And, um, it can be shocking andhard to accept sometimes when
(12:41):
they reject us.
I mean, then we actually go ontoonline dating at some point
because I just can't repeat thisenough.
It is very hard to meet someoneorganically these days.
And so most of us do end up, youknow, trying to date through an
(13:05):
app and, um, plenty of successstories.
I am a believer in online dating, um, for a lot of reasons, but
it can definitely be a source ofgreat rejection.
I think you need to handle withcare.
I think you need to be verycautious in your online dating
(13:27):
practices.
A story from one of mygirlfriends comes to mind.
Um, doesn't even matter how theymet.
I mean, it's a rejection storyand it's, it's very common for
things like this to happen inthis point in our lives later in
life, you know, dating withchildren and jobs and everything
else, all of the complications.
(13:48):
So my friend, um, met a manonline and he checked all the
boxes.
Like all of them, everything shewas looking for, he was similar
in age, in interest, um, career.
He also has a son just like her.
(14:08):
Um, they like to do the samethings.
They're morals and socialstances and political views were
all pretty much on point.
Um, they were very, um, this isa good one.
They got along well inconversation and company.
And then they were also verysexually attracted to one
another.
I mean, this is what, this iswhat our goal is when we're out
(14:31):
there dating, she found awinner, not only that, but she
discovered that he lived likeless than a mile away from her.
She never would've met him if ithadn't been for the dating app.
So they met, they got to knowone another, they spent hours
and hours and hours talking.
They found out loner, they werevery sexually compatible.
(14:53):
It was awesome.
They were off to this beautifulstart and she got that feeling
like, oh my God, like this couldbe it.
Like we align on everything likethis.
It was exciting.
Like she finally found, um, areally, really good match.
(15:14):
And then after a matter of weeksof dating and growing their
relationship and growing closer,he came to her out of nowhere
when her impression was thingswere going exceedingly well.
And he told her that he wasactually more interested in
(15:39):
someone else that he hadrecently met and she was
crushed.
She was absolutely crushed.
I can't say she's heartbrokencuz I don't know that she'd
really fallen in love with himyet, but she sure had fallen in
like, and I think whatcomplicated things more is that
she really viewed him as a long,you know, potential long-term
(16:01):
partner.
Um, she could envision, youknow, the two of them in a life
together and that's so hard tofind, but as she, as I, you
know, am her friend and talkedwith her and helped her, you
know, process and work her waythrough it.
Some of the things that I heardher say were, Ugh, I should not
(16:23):
have cut my hair.
He likes long hair.
I've always had long hair.
Like one of her most beautifulfeatures is her gorgeous hair.
Guess what?
It was still gorgeous cut to hershoulders as it was, you know,
in the middle of her back.
But she was doubting herselfbecause she knew that he was
(16:45):
really into long hair.
Another funny, weirdcoincidence.
He's a boob guy.
Well, she had recently had abreast reduction.
She was like, it shouldn't havedone that.
Like I like you see what I'msaying?
She was, she was questioning herown, worth, her own physical
(17:07):
characteristics and everythingthinking that maybe like he'd be
more into her if she hadn't, youknow, cut her hair and reduce
the size of her boobs.
I mean, I hated to hear herdoubting herself and her own
choices on her own physicalappearance because she is such a
knockout.
Um, regardless of any of thosethings, but it's just natural.
(17:32):
This is exactly what we do.
I've been there.
I've done the same thing overand over and over.
Oh, I'm probably too short.
Oh, I probably am a little olderthan he would like to date.
Oh, it's probably because I talktoo much.
It's, you know, whatever.
I think at the end of the daywhen we get rejected, yes, we
(17:53):
need to be considering how webehaved, how we treated the
person, all of those important,um, you know, emotionally
intelligent things that we needto be working on to be better
partners.
But what we shouldn't do is thistype of self doubt on surface
level things that shouldn'tmatter, right.
(18:17):
Easier said than done.
How about this for a differenttype of rejection, a different
concept for you to think aboutthis episode led me to think
about this guy that I had acrush on back in college.
I was a freshman at Mizu and Iwas a Tridel and we were paired
up with the fraternity, the PIsfor homecoming festivities.
(18:39):
So I was spending a ton of timeat this FRA house and this guy
totally caught my eye.
He looked like a young Harry conJr.
So poultry, so smoke and hot.
I remember he was a hockeyplayer.
I mean, I was into him.
I was into him and I didn't evenknow him.
It was just one of those lustfulyoung things.
And so we started hanging out.
(19:01):
I remember distinctly sitting onthe floor in his, um, room, his
like bunk room with God knowshow many other guys with those
built in wooden beds, you know,attached to the walls.
Uh, all those lofts hanging out,drinking, listening to music on
the floor.
I remember staying over at hisplace.
(19:23):
Um, my sorority sister Meredithand me, she was into one of his
friends, completely innocent.
We hung out all night, drankleft, had fun, kissed, like real
innocent stuff, but I wastotally smitten totally into
him.
And then I discovered that hehad a girlfriend mm-hmm
(19:45):
saw him walkingdown the street on campus, hand
in hand with a girl.
I didn't know.
Didn't know about her.
Yeah.
I was crushed.
I was heartbroken.
Went back to my dorm room, toldmy friend, my roommate Latonya
all about it.
And she was like, move on.
(20:06):
like, we just got here,we're in college, like, uh, get
over it.
And um, you're gonna be okaygirl.
And I'm like, uh, no, this is,this is the one I want like, no,
you don't understand.
Like we have this connection.
Like, I, I really want him, Idon't understand why he wouldn't
wanna be with me.
And so I did what any other, youknow, normal saying 18 year old
(20:30):
girl would do.
And I busted out some reallypretty stationary and I wrote
him a letter and declared, youknow, my feelings and um, in my
brain it was just very cut anddry that he probably needed to
break up with his girlfriend.
And uh, for all of thesereasons, because I mean, I I'm
(20:51):
the correct choice in this, inthis instance.
And yeah, I mean, it was reallyridiculous.
And my friend Latonya was like,please don't do it.
Please.
Don't give him the letter.
it's not gonna workStacy he's he's with someone
like you are like, he's notgonna pick you.
You know?
And I was so confident that likewe had something and he, after
(21:14):
reading this letter, he woulddefinitely choose to be with me.
Yeah.
Gave him the letter and neverheard from him.
Totally rejected.
Yeah.
And why did I want to be with aboy who had obviously just
cheated on his girlfriend withme?
Yeah.
That is called, uh, negativityand inexperience and just me
(21:38):
being a dumb pretty much.
And I have been a dumb moretimes.
Well, I'll just tell you on thispodcast, if you go back and
listen, you'll hear many of thetimes throughout my life that I
have been a total dumb and thisis just one more story from
college.
One more example, but here's mypoint.
This happens now I've talkedabout this a lot that a lot of
(22:01):
things from our youth and from,you know, uh, things that we
thought we were passed and hadgrown from and everything
continue to cycle back, um, hereafter divorce and later in life,
in my opinion.
And I think that it's reallycommon for married people to
(22:23):
approach, especially newlydivorced singles, be cautious of
that.
You don't wanna deal with thattype of drama.
Uh, plus it's just wrong.
But also here's the deal.
Sometimes we find ourselvesbecause we're guarded and we're
hurt.
Just like I was back my freshmanyear at Mizzou, I was guarded.
(22:45):
I was hurt.
I was a hot mess is what I was.
Um, but many of us are too, youknow, after divorce.
Anyway, here's my point.
A lot of times you may findyourself choosing people who are
not available or are notemotionally available, just like
I did in that story.
(23:06):
Right.
I chose someone who was notgoing to be with me because he
was with someone else.
I think it's pretty common forpeople like me.
Um, at this point in life too,to do the same thing, to repeat
history and make those samemistakes that we made oftentimes
when we were young.
So think about that is thereason you've been rejected or
(23:26):
are experiencing rejection rightnow because you have chosen to
try to develop a relationshipwith someone who can't be there
for you because they're in arelationship with someone else
they're married to someone else,or they are not emotionally
available to be there for you.
(23:49):
You know, that rejection is onyou for a bad choice.
Think about it.
Hey, at least that type ofrejection is very avoidable.
You just have to watch for thesigns, be cognizant of it.
And Hey, just tell that personthat's not quite emotionally
(24:09):
ready.
That's not quite out of thatother romantic relationship.
You know what you do, you I'llbe over here, healing doing my
own thing.
You do you.
And when you get your straight,you know, maybe I'll be around.
Maybe I won't, maybe there'll bea better time for us down the
road in the future.
After we both work through somestuff.
(24:32):
That's fair.
Okay.
Lastly, I reached out to acouple of friends and asked them
to think back into their past ofrejection that they had
experienced and share the storywith me.
Well, out of these twogirlfriends, they shared an
oddly similar story, but with avery distinct twist.
(24:52):
So friend number one, shared astory from high school, a boy
that she had a big time crushon.
They dated for a couple ofmonths.
She felt like things were goingreally well.
Um, but she felt like maybe hisparents were a little judgey of
him dating her.
And then sure enough, in a shortamount of time, this guy that
(25:13):
she was really into broke upwith her kind of felt like for
no reason and she couldn't help.
But wonder if the reason that herejected her didn't wanna pursue
a relationship with her wasmaybe because of social status.
So by this point in high school,her mother had been divorced
three times.
(25:33):
So she was from a single parenthome, not living in the big,
beautiful, um, neighborhood thathe and a lot of their friends
lived in.
She just lived a little bit of adifferent life, um, with her
family and his family was verytraditional, very wealthy, et
(25:54):
cetera, cetera.
She couldn't help.
But think that maybe that waswhy, like she just felt like
maybe he didn't think she wasgood enough now.
I mean, who knows if that wasmaybe just her own doubt or
insecurities or worries, or ifthat was the truth, but compare
that to story.
Number two with a differentfriend of mine who, um, actually
(26:18):
she attended a wedding of anex-boyfriend.
So she dated this boy for yearsand years and years when she was
young, he got married, invitedher to the wedding.
She ended up hanging out withone of their mutual friends at
the wedding and they ended updating and she had always
thought, you know, he was a goodguy.
(26:39):
She was kind of into him.
And so they began dating andthey hadn't dated for very long
before she received a phone callfrom him where he politely
explained to her that, um, hewas calling things off that they
should not be together becauseit was very important to him
(27:01):
that he needed to be with a girlwho was more ambitious, um, had
bigger goals and was bettereducated than she was at the
time.
Wow.
I mean, he just flat out toldher that seems kind of harsh.
(27:24):
So after I talked to my friendsabout their stories, I reached
back out and I was like, how didthat make you feel?
I mean, did, were you glad thathe was blunt because that seems
kind of painful to listen to?
Or did you wish that he would'vejust, you know, been vague and
said, Hey, you know, I'm notfeeling it, this isn't, you
(27:44):
know, I don't wanna dateanymore.
And she was like, I absolutelywish that he was more vague.
It really hurt.
I mean, it was, it felt like acharacter assault.
Right.
And so it just, it made all ofus, the three of us kind of
pause and think back, like howhave we broken up with guys in
(28:07):
our past, or for me, like in myrecent past.
Um, and I've, I've explored thistopic a couple of times.
Do we wanna know the truth ofwhy people don't want to be with
us?
I think this rejection stuff isjust very circumstantial, but in
broad terms, I think it's bestto give and to receive rejection
(28:33):
in a direct, but very polite andkind way.
I mean, after all it is a factof life.
If you haven't experiencedrejection from a romantic
relationship, yet, if you'resingle and out in the dating
world right now, you probablywill.
(28:53):
And if not in a romanticrelationship, then surely you
have received it from a hopefulemployer or, you know, in the
form of a disappointment,through a family member or
friend, it it's just humannature and something we all have
to live through, but Hey, that'swhat we're all here for.
(29:14):
That's what this podcast is allabout.
Being together, relating to oneanother in this most unique time
in our lives.
I'm gonna go ahead and wrap upthis episode all about rejection
episode 45, the season finale ofman shopping with Stacy season
(29:34):
one.
It's not you it's me.
And I sincerely thank you fromthe bottom of my heart for all
of your support, since theinception and launch of this
podcast in may of 2021.
And it's time for spring breakpeople.
(29:56):
That's right.
I am going to take a real lifespring break and a little little
short hiatus from the podcastgoing to regroup and take some
time off and come back forseason two in a short amount of
time, I'll announce it onInstagram.
And, um, in the meantime, pleaseconsider sending me some podcast
(30:23):
ideas.
I mean, I've done 45 episodes inone season, never, um, short,
you know, on subjects by anystretch, but I totally
appreciate your alls.
You know, what matters to youand your ideas and your own
personal stories.
Please, please DM me onInstagram, email me, reach out
on my website, whatever makessense.
(30:43):
Please continue to share thepodcast.
This is gonna sit out there for,for all time.
Um, and I, I don't feel like anyof it will at any point really
be dated it.
This is life and I hope that itis still impactful for your
friends and family and that youwill share it with others.
Just trying to spread some joyto singles like us.
(31:05):
Thank you so much for listening.
Welcome to man shopping with Stacy, where I
share my real raw dating andlife experiences for your
amusement and inspiration.
I'm your host, Stacy weer, andyour listening to season one
finale, episode 45.
It's not you it's me.
(00:23):
This episode is all aboutrejection and it was an idea
sent to me by a listener.
So thank you very much.
Brandy void.
Isn't it true?
That rejection just is a fact oflife.
In this episode, I am going toshare some rejection stories of
my own and from some of myfriends and along the way
(00:48):
throughout the stories, I willdo my best to weave in some tips
and advice to hopefully takeaway the sting just a little
bit, because let's face it.
Rejection does sting.
It burns, it hurts.
It bruises our egos in thecontext of a divorce or the end
(01:13):
of a serious relationship.
Rejection is often inherent,right?
Maybe there's been infidelity,whether it's an emotional affair
or a full blown sexual affair.
I know from experience that itis gut wrenching.
I know I'm not alone on thisone, but boy did this type of
(01:34):
rejection.
Make me feel like an idiot.
I felt stupid.
I felt like that ultimate senseof betrayal that I should have
been wiser to catch onto.
I just felt like I had been had,and it just made me feel small.
And I also started doing all ofthe questioning of myself.
(01:57):
Why, why aren't I enough?
Why isn't our sex life enough?
Why aren't I, you know,appealing enough, intriguing
enough?
Why can't I hold his attention?
What is it about her?
You know, then the, the storyflips.
What does she have that I don'thave.
I found myself wanting to knowall of the details I wanted to
(02:19):
know when it started, when itended and everything in between.
Uh, it was just absolutelymaddening.
But as I worked my way throughit got counseling, had time on
my side and, um, was able toprocess it.
It didn't take very long for meto figure out, Hey, guess what?
(02:42):
It's not about me.
It's not about her.
It's about him.
It's his issues that led to theend of our marriage and his
emotional or whatever affairthat he had now.
Sometimes cheating can just bethe tell, you know, on a really
(03:03):
unhealthy marriage.
It happens for a lot ofdifferent reasons, but honestly,
in my case, after talkingthrough everything with my now
ex I pretty, I'm sure he would100% agree with me that he
enjoyed the attention.
He was a little insecure.
(03:25):
Um, it was a familiar girl thathe was communicating with.
And there was a high level ofintrigue between the two of
them.
And it just became a wild,romantic escapade between the
two of them that had little to,nothing to do with me or our
(03:47):
marriage.
It was just a selfish act.
And sometimes it is just thatsimple.
And for me, that helped me, youknow, get over the feelings of
rejection.
Once I discovered that throughconversation with him and got
counseling on my own,nonetheless, it was a hard
rejection to get over.
Of course it was, you know,sometimes our partners don't
(04:13):
reject us because they've chosensomeone else.
Sometimes they reject us becausethey don't want to be with us
anymore.
Maybe this strikes chord withyou, we've grown apart.
You've changed.
You are not the person that youwere when we met, or when we
(04:34):
married our life doesn't lookanything like what you promised
me, it would look like youhaven't met the expectations
that I had for you when you were, when we were young, you're
different.
Now we don't work anymore.
This is all too common, too.
Another very pure sense ofrejection that can just be
(04:56):
really hard to accept.
And here's another really sadone that I know that some of you
can relate to.
Um, just like me.
How about when you get rejectedbecause your partner has chosen
advice or a habit, an addiction,instead of you, oddly to me, it
(05:16):
felt so much like I was beingcheated on.
I told my second, ex-husbandthat repeatedly throughout our
marriage.
It's like, you are cheating onme with booze.
I don't trust you.
You're lying to me.
You are hiding things from me.
You are manipulating me allbecause you put booze before me.
(05:42):
And in the end he did reject me.
He rejected my offers of help.
He rejected my unconditionallove and support of him.
He didn't want any of it.
He didn't just not want any ofit.
He also blamed me for everythingstill does to this day, actually
(06:06):
really, really difficult form ofrejection to process because
there's no in my experienceanyway, there's just no
resolution.
There's no resolution untilbooze is out of the picture.
And I never had any control overthat.
And now I feel more helplessthan ever because I'm not even
(06:29):
in his life anymore.
Wow.
Yeah.
Rejection sucks.
Hmm.
So think about all of thosethings that I just talked about,
being cheated on, being toldyou're just not it anymore or
being, being rejected because ofan addiction.
(06:50):
And they have chosen their um'repoison, you know, over you.
So that's hard.
Most of us at this point in ourlife, if you're listening to my
podcast have experienced thateither for yourself or you've
been on the receiving end,right?
So you live through all of that.
You get through it, you survive,you try to learn from it.
(07:11):
Hopefully if you haven't, Isuggest you just take a big
pause, like a big long monthsand months and months, maybe
years and years and years topause.
And, um, until
still doing it.
I've I've been in this camp forwhat?
Like two and a half years now.
(07:32):
Yeah.
That's why I'm talking into themicrophone.
happens next?
Oh, Lordy, we put ourselves backout there again.
We try to break down the walls.
We let our guard down.
And then we open our hearts andour minds and we're like, I'm
(07:55):
doing it.
I'm dipping a toe in the datingpool.
Here we go, friends.
I just got on Facebook.
And I sent a friend request tothis guy that I met at this 40th
birthday party, like five yearsago.
And he may not remember me, butboy, he made an impression on me
and I just did it.
I just put it out there and ohmy God, I can't wait.
(08:17):
I cannot wait for him torespond.
Oh, I just, I just know he'sgonna ask me out because I mean,
I still remember him, so Iprobably made an impression on
him too.
And then what happens?
He never accepted my friendrequest, but what?
Huh?
It's me.
I mean, I got game.
(08:38):
I'm good at this.
I mean, I used to be able topick up, like, I am totally
capable of landing a 45 year oldaccountant with a receding
hairline.
He should want me, like, heshould be banging down my door
(08:58):
to take me out.
And then he doesn't what, whatthe?
What is up with this?
What is this weird world that welive in now?
Yeah.
Welcome.
Welcome to dating.
After divorce.
Welcome to being single in yourforties, fifties, sixties, plus
(09:20):
like this is the new world welive in where it is complicated.
Um, it is complicated.
I'm just gonna say it'scomplicated.
So how about that for rejection?
I mean, it can just be real lamefeeble attempts of reaching out
on social media.
(09:40):
I have been blown off ignored,never responded to never
messaged back.
Never followed hell yeah.
Time and time again.
And then on the flip side,there's like the slew of DMS.
Like, Hey, Hey, beautiful.
Hey, good morning.
(10:02):
You know what I'm saying?
That's some lame that's, that'snot a lot of effort put, put
into that.
That does not deserve a responsenor do they ever get responses
to messages like that randoms inthe DMS.
But I have to admit there wasthis one guy on Instagram that
totally caught my eye.
It's been a while now, but hejust seemed pretty intriguing.
(10:26):
Um, I think he's good looking.
We have some mutual friends.
We hang out at some of the sameplaces he appears to be single.
You catch my drift.
Like he caught my eye and earlyon, I was like, follow yeah,
click that button.
And so then I was following himand then I could see more of his
(10:48):
life and, you know, draw moreconclusions on my own as to who
this man of mystery really isbecause I don't know him.
I dunno him at all.
I just had a little crush on himfrom what I could see of him and
his life on his Instagramaccount.
Right.
Well, I became quitedisappointed when he never
(11:09):
followed me back.
Who knows if he's looked at myphotos, given me a second glance
or a second thought, right.
Well, a lot of time passed andthen out of nowhere, he starts
looking at my stories.
Now truly only my singlelisteners are going to
understand this cat and mousegame that is flirting or being
(11:33):
single on Instagram.
But, um, it just brings to mindthat meme on like Tinder blog or
something that, that says thatmodern courtship is basically
women posting stories and menresponding with fire emojis.
I like to think that that's nottrue, but if I'm being honest, I
(11:56):
wish that guy had given a fireemoji on one of my stories.
Um, so yeah, I mean small formsof rejection or just that I
think trying to connect withpeople through social media and
not getting, uh, you know, anexcited response back or
interest at all, it sucks.
(12:17):
And that's what most of us fallprey to, you know, a lot of
times, um, while we're separatedearly and divorced when we're
vulnerable and we're reachingout to people that maybe we
dated a long time ago or had athing for or whatever.
And, um, it can be shocking andhard to accept sometimes when
(12:41):
they reject us.
I mean, then we actually go ontoonline dating at some point
because I just can't repeat thisenough.
It is very hard to meet someoneorganically these days.
And so most of us do end up, youknow, trying to date through an
(13:05):
app and, um, plenty of successstories.
I am a believer in online dating, um, for a lot of reasons, but
it can definitely be a source ofgreat rejection.
I think you need to handle withcare.
I think you need to be verycautious in your online dating
(13:27):
practices.
A story from one of mygirlfriends comes to mind.
Um, doesn't even matter how theymet.
I mean, it's a rejection storyand it's, it's very common for
things like this to happen inthis point in our lives later in
life, you know, dating withchildren and jobs and everything
else, all of the complications.
(13:48):
So my friend, um, met a manonline and he checked all the
boxes.
Like all of them, everything shewas looking for, he was similar
in age, in interest, um, career.
He also has a son just like her.
(14:08):
Um, they like to do the samethings.
They're morals and socialstances and political views were
all pretty much on point.
Um, they were very, um, this isa good one.
They got along well inconversation and company.
And then they were also verysexually attracted to one
another.
I mean, this is what, this iswhat our goal is when we're out
(14:31):
there dating, she found awinner, not only that, but she
discovered that he lived likeless than a mile away from her.
She never would've met him if ithadn't been for the dating app.
So they met, they got to knowone another, they spent hours
and hours and hours talking.
They found out loner, they werevery sexually compatible.
(14:53):
It was awesome.
They were off to this beautifulstart and she got that feeling
like, oh my God, like this couldbe it.
Like we align on everything likethis.
It was exciting.
Like she finally found, um, areally, really good match.
(15:14):
And then after a matter of weeksof dating and growing their
relationship and growing closer,he came to her out of nowhere
when her impression was thingswere going exceedingly well.
And he told her that he wasactually more interested in
(15:39):
someone else that he hadrecently met and she was
crushed.
She was absolutely crushed.
I can't say she's heartbrokencuz I don't know that she'd
really fallen in love with himyet, but she sure had fallen in
like, and I think whatcomplicated things more is that
she really viewed him as a long,you know, potential long-term
(16:01):
partner.
Um, she could envision, youknow, the two of them in a life
together and that's so hard tofind, but as she, as I, you
know, am her friend and talkedwith her and helped her, you
know, process and work her waythrough it.
Some of the things that I heardher say were, Ugh, I should not
(16:23):
have cut my hair.
He likes long hair.
I've always had long hair.
Like one of her most beautifulfeatures is her gorgeous hair.
Guess what?
It was still gorgeous cut to hershoulders as it was, you know,
in the middle of her back.
But she was doubting herselfbecause she knew that he was
(16:45):
really into long hair.
Another funny, weirdcoincidence.
He's a boob guy.
Well, she had recently had abreast reduction.
She was like, it shouldn't havedone that.
Like I like you see what I'msaying?
She was, she was questioning herown, worth, her own physical
(17:07):
characteristics and everythingthinking that maybe like he'd be
more into her if she hadn't, youknow, cut her hair and reduce
the size of her boobs.
I mean, I hated to hear herdoubting herself and her own
choices on her own physicalappearance because she is such a
knockout.
Um, regardless of any of thosethings, but it's just natural.
(17:32):
This is exactly what we do.
I've been there.
I've done the same thing overand over and over.
Oh, I'm probably too short.
Oh, I probably am a little olderthan he would like to date.
Oh, it's probably because I talktoo much.
It's, you know, whatever.
I think at the end of the daywhen we get rejected, yes, we
(17:53):
need to be considering how webehaved, how we treated the
person, all of those important,um, you know, emotionally
intelligent things that we needto be working on to be better
partners.
But what we shouldn't do is thistype of self doubt on surface
level things that shouldn'tmatter, right.
(18:17):
Easier said than done.
How about this for a differenttype of rejection, a different
concept for you to think aboutthis episode led me to think
about this guy that I had acrush on back in college.
I was a freshman at Mizu and Iwas a Tridel and we were paired
up with the fraternity, the PIsfor homecoming festivities.
(18:39):
So I was spending a ton of timeat this FRA house and this guy
totally caught my eye.
He looked like a young Harry conJr.
So poultry, so smoke and hot.
I remember he was a hockeyplayer.
I mean, I was into him.
I was into him and I didn't evenknow him.
It was just one of those lustfulyoung things.
And so we started hanging out.
(19:01):
I remember distinctly sitting onthe floor in his, um, room, his
like bunk room with God knowshow many other guys with those
built in wooden beds, you know,attached to the walls.
Uh, all those lofts hanging out,drinking, listening to music on
the floor.
I remember staying over at hisplace.
(19:23):
Um, my sorority sister Meredithand me, she was into one of his
friends, completely innocent.
We hung out all night, drankleft, had fun, kissed, like real
innocent stuff, but I wastotally smitten totally into
him.
And then I discovered that hehad a girlfriend mm-hmm
(19:45):
in hand with a girl.
I didn't know.
Didn't know about her.
Yeah.
I was crushed.
I was heartbroken.
Went back to my dorm room, toldmy friend, my roommate Latonya
all about it.
And she was like, move on.
(20:06):
over it.
And um, you're gonna be okaygirl.
And I'm like, uh, no, this is,this is the one I want like, no,
you don't understand.
Like we have this connection.
Like, I, I really want him, Idon't understand why he wouldn't
wanna be with me.
And so I did what any other, youknow, normal saying 18 year old
(20:30):
girl would do.
And I busted out some reallypretty stationary and I wrote
him a letter and declared, youknow, my feelings and um, in my
brain it was just very cut anddry that he probably needed to
break up with his girlfriend.
And uh, for all of thesereasons, because I mean, I I'm
(20:51):
the correct choice in this, inthis instance.
And yeah, I mean, it was reallyridiculous.
And my friend Latonya was like,please don't do it.
Please.
Don't give him the letter.
like you are like, he's notgonna pick you.
You know?
And I was so confident that likewe had something and he, after
(21:14):
reading this letter, he woulddefinitely choose to be with me.
Yeah.
Gave him the letter and neverheard from him.
Totally rejected.
Yeah.
And why did I want to be with aboy who had obviously just
cheated on his girlfriend withme?
Yeah.
That is called, uh, negativityand inexperience and just me
(21:38):
being a dumb pretty much.
And I have been a dumb moretimes.
Well, I'll just tell you on thispodcast, if you go back and
listen, you'll hear many of thetimes throughout my life that I
have been a total dumb and thisis just one more story from
college.
One more example, but here's mypoint.
This happens now I've talkedabout this a lot that a lot of
(22:01):
things from our youth and from,you know, uh, things that we
thought we were passed and hadgrown from and everything
continue to cycle back, um, hereafter divorce and later in life,
in my opinion.
And I think that it's reallycommon for married people to
(22:23):
approach, especially newlydivorced singles, be cautious of
that.
You don't wanna deal with thattype of drama.
Uh, plus it's just wrong.
But also here's the deal.
Sometimes we find ourselvesbecause we're guarded and we're
hurt.
Just like I was back my freshmanyear at Mizzou, I was guarded.
(22:45):
I was hurt.
I was a hot mess is what I was.
Um, but many of us are too, youknow, after divorce.
Anyway, here's my point.
A lot of times you may findyourself choosing people who are
not available or are notemotionally available, just like
I did in that story.
(23:06):
Right.
I chose someone who was notgoing to be with me because he
was with someone else.
I think it's pretty common forpeople like me.
Um, at this point in life too,to do the same thing, to repeat
history and make those samemistakes that we made oftentimes
when we were young.
So think about that is thereason you've been rejected or
(23:26):
are experiencing rejection rightnow because you have chosen to
try to develop a relationshipwith someone who can't be there
for you because they're in arelationship with someone else
they're married to someone else,or they are not emotionally
available to be there for you.
(23:49):
You know, that rejection is onyou for a bad choice.
Think about it.
Hey, at least that type ofrejection is very avoidable.
You just have to watch for thesigns, be cognizant of it.
And Hey, just tell that personthat's not quite emotionally
(24:09):
ready.
That's not quite out of thatother romantic relationship.
You know what you do, you I'llbe over here, healing doing my
own thing.
You do you.
And when you get your straight,you know, maybe I'll be around.
Maybe I won't, maybe there'll bea better time for us down the
road in the future.
After we both work through somestuff.
(24:32):
That's fair.
Okay.
Lastly, I reached out to acouple of friends and asked them
to think back into their past ofrejection that they had
experienced and share the storywith me.
Well, out of these twogirlfriends, they shared an
oddly similar story, but with avery distinct twist.
(24:52):
So friend number one, shared astory from high school, a boy
that she had a big time crushon.
They dated for a couple ofmonths.
She felt like things were goingreally well.
Um, but she felt like maybe hisparents were a little judgey of
him dating her.
And then sure enough, in a shortamount of time, this guy that
(25:13):
she was really into broke upwith her kind of felt like for
no reason and she couldn't help.
But wonder if the reason that herejected her didn't wanna pursue
a relationship with her wasmaybe because of social status.
So by this point in high school,her mother had been divorced
three times.
(25:33):
So she was from a single parenthome, not living in the big,
beautiful, um, neighborhood thathe and a lot of their friends
lived in.
She just lived a little bit of adifferent life, um, with her
family and his family was verytraditional, very wealthy, et
(25:54):
cetera, cetera.
She couldn't help.
But think that maybe that waswhy, like she just felt like
maybe he didn't think she wasgood enough now.
I mean, who knows if that wasmaybe just her own doubt or
insecurities or worries, or ifthat was the truth, but compare
that to story.
Number two with a differentfriend of mine who, um, actually
(26:18):
she attended a wedding of anex-boyfriend.
So she dated this boy for yearsand years and years when she was
young, he got married, invitedher to the wedding.
She ended up hanging out withone of their mutual friends at
the wedding and they ended updating and she had always
thought, you know, he was a goodguy.
(26:39):
She was kind of into him.
And so they began dating andthey hadn't dated for very long
before she received a phone callfrom him where he politely
explained to her that, um, hewas calling things off that they
should not be together becauseit was very important to him
(27:01):
that he needed to be with a girlwho was more ambitious, um, had
bigger goals and was bettereducated than she was at the
time.
Wow.
I mean, he just flat out toldher that seems kind of harsh.
(27:24):
So after I talked to my friendsabout their stories, I reached
back out and I was like, how didthat make you feel?
I mean, did, were you glad thathe was blunt because that seems
kind of painful to listen to?
Or did you wish that he would'vejust, you know, been vague and
said, Hey, you know, I'm notfeeling it, this isn't, you
(27:44):
know, I don't wanna dateanymore.
And she was like, I absolutelywish that he was more vague.
It really hurt.
I mean, it was, it felt like acharacter assault.
Right.
And so it just, it made all ofus, the three of us kind of
pause and think back, like howhave we broken up with guys in
(28:07):
our past, or for me, like in myrecent past.
Um, and I've, I've explored thistopic a couple of times.
Do we wanna know the truth ofwhy people don't want to be with
us?
I think this rejection stuff isjust very circumstantial, but in
broad terms, I think it's bestto give and to receive rejection
(28:33):
in a direct, but very polite andkind way.
I mean, after all it is a factof life.
If you haven't experiencedrejection from a romantic
relationship, yet, if you'resingle and out in the dating
world right now, you probablywill.
(28:53):
And if not in a romanticrelationship, then surely you
have received it from a hopefulemployer or, you know, in the
form of a disappointment,through a family member or
friend, it it's just humannature and something we all have
to live through, but Hey, that'swhat we're all here for.
(29:14):
That's what this podcast is allabout.
Being together, relating to oneanother in this most unique time
in our lives.
I'm gonna go ahead and wrap upthis episode all about rejection
episode 45, the season finale ofman shopping with Stacy season
(29:34):
one.
It's not you it's me.
And I sincerely thank you fromthe bottom of my heart for all
of your support, since theinception and launch of this
podcast in may of 2021.
And it's time for spring breakpeople.
(29:56):
That's right.
I am going to take a real lifespring break and a little little
short hiatus from the podcastgoing to regroup and take some
time off and come back forseason two in a short amount of
time, I'll announce it onInstagram.
And, um, in the meantime, pleaseconsider sending me some podcast
(30:23):
ideas.
I mean, I've done 45 episodes inone season, never, um, short,
you know, on subjects by anystretch, but I totally
appreciate your alls.
You know, what matters to youand your ideas and your own
personal stories.
Please, please DM me onInstagram, email me, reach out
on my website, whatever makessense.
(30:43):
Please continue to share thepodcast.
This is gonna sit out there for,for all time.
Um, and I, I don't feel like anyof it will at any point really
be dated it.
This is life and I hope that itis still impactful for your
friends and family and that youwill share it with others.
Just trying to spread some joyto singles like us.
(31:05):
Thank you so much for listening.
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