Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Why even successful
men feel stuck and how to break
free?
He checked all the boxes, gotthe good grades, got the house,
got the incredible career, thefamily, ticked all the boxes.
But in the quiet moments, alone,late at night, he asks himself
the question (00:15):
why do I still
feel so unsuccessful?
Why does success still feelempty?
If you've ever caught yourselfthinking, I should feel
fulfilled by now, don't worry,you're not alone.
And in today's episode, we'regonna talk about that.
I'll show you exactly why manymen feel stuck, even when
everything looks good and whatto do about it.
Hi, I'm Lachlan Stewart.
(00:36):
I'm a life coach and Ispecialize in helping men like
you learn how to lead fromwithin so that you can lead
powerfully in yourrelationships, in your career,
and in your life.
Over the years of working withhundreds of men one-on-one and
thousands in groups, I've seenone thing over and over.
The successful life can stillfeel hollow if it is built on
(00:57):
someone else's blueprint.
So let's start here.
Structure without a vision canfeel like a prison.
And don't I bloody know it?
And I'm sure you may too.
You followed the map, you getthe good job after you've
graduated, you get married, youbuild the home.
Society told you that is thepath.
But what's missing?
It's alignment with you.
Most men never stop to ask, whatdo I truly want?
(01:20):
In fact, studies show people whoset their own meaningful goals
report roughly 20% higher lifesatisfaction than those who
adopt goals from others.
So, what does that actuallymean, right?
Because that stat does trulymatter.
Throughout life, we aresurrounded in environments, we
go to school, we have friends,and quite often we never think
(01:41):
for ourselves really, we justadopt beliefs and trust the path
that's been laid out before us.
It took me years to realize thatI needed to start questioning
that, and we'll talk about thatmore soon.
But the risk is that you'll livea life that looks successful
from the outside if you don'tstart questioning it, and you'll
feel empty on the you guessedit, on the inside.
And I am so sick and tired ofseeing so many men feeling this
(02:07):
way, and I still think about thepain that I felt when I used to
think small within my own life.
When I'm working with blokesone-on-one, one of the biggest
challenges and fears that Istill have is challenging them
to dream big.
I think when I reflect on that,I'm like, why do I fear saying
that to them?
Why do I fear encouraging themto remove the limitation to
(02:30):
dream big?
Because in my own life, I wastaught to think small, I was
taught to protect, I was taughtto provide, and yet that worked
at a certain period in life.
And I still think we do need toprotect, and that looks
different in today's world.
And I still do believe inproviding.
I 100% believe in that, but italso looks different on the
(02:51):
context of your family.
The challenge with that is we'restill using outdated rules and
ideas and units of measurementto do that.
So we can start asking newquestions, we can start
redefining the definitions oryeah, the definitions of what
success look like for us, andthen we can start moving towards
that because you do not want tobe successful on the outside and
feel empty on the ins inside.
(03:13):
I could not think of anythingworse for you, and I could not
think of anything worse formyself.
So I want to introduce you tothe loop of stuckness, right?
I was writing last week as we'regoing through this, and I could
was thinking, how can I give youguys a process and a framework?
Because frameworks give us astep-by-step breakdown of what
we need to do to deliver anoutcome.
(03:33):
The cool thing about a frameworkis you can take this, you can
apply it to your own life, andthen you will get feedback and
you can personalize it, right?
That is the most important thingbecause there is no one size
fits all approach, not at all.
But this you will be able to useand think of it almost like a
psychological treadmill.
You move, but you're notchanging direction.
(03:55):
And in order to get unstuck, youhave to pivot, you have to
sidestep, you have to changedirection, right?
Because otherwise you're justtreading water.
Even if you're making movingforward, if you're moving
forward in the wrong direction,like we said at the start, if
you're moving towards goals thatdon't inspire you, don't excite
you, you will find yourself atthat end goal where you are
(04:17):
unfulfilled.
And there was a period, and I'lltalk about it soon, where the
structure that you create whilemoving to that can feel like a
prism.
What does this psychologicaltreadmill look like?
What does the loop of stucknesslook like?
Step one is you push hardtowards external goals, right?
The promotion, the income, thestatus.
(04:38):
You then hit resistance, right,at point two, and you plateau or
you burn out.
Burnout is something that highperformers just always drive to
and seem to pride themselves onalmost, which is crazy.
And I did that for so long, butI realized every time I burn
myself out, I'm a horrible manto be around.
I'm not a great partner to mywife.
I'm not fun to be around for myfriends and family.
(05:00):
So I can't keep burning thewheels and repeating that cycle.
The third phase is you feelguilt, shame, and self-judgment.
Like, what is wrong with me?
You know you've had thatthought.
I have that thought.
Sometimes I still do, right?
Fourth is you push harder, youtry new tactics, maybe change
jobs.
Five is you get a bit oftemporary relief, but the
(05:20):
underlying dissonance, sorry,remains.
Number six is you reset and theloop starts again.
You don't look outside thatloop, and that's where the issue
is.
So the kicker, more effortrarely solves it because the
root issue is clarity, notwillpower.
Want you to take a moment.
(05:41):
When was the last time youstopped and you thought about
what you really wanted your lifeto look like?
And I don't mean just, oh man, Ijust want a little bit of
freedom or I just want thefinancial pressure to go.
That's a survival thought.
And I guess in order to thrive,we got to survive.
But if you can start going,okay, yes, I do want just the
(06:04):
financial pressure to go.
But if I could push myself, if Icould encourage myself to think
past that, not only do I wantthe financial pressure to move,
but what would I really want ifI knew that I could achieve
wealth beyond my wildest dreams?
If you're in a position wheremaybe your marriage is
challenged, and you're justthinking, I just want to be able
(06:26):
to get into bed every night nextto my partner and not lie awake
with my eyes wide open thinkingabout how do I initiate a
conversation or I'm working sohard and I don't even feel loved
and appreciated.
Rather than just getting back tothe baseline, go beyond that.
Think to yourself, what would itbe like where my wife and I are
(06:48):
jumping into bed every night,and not hanky panky, ladies and
gentlemen, where you get intobed and you're excited to catch
up on the day, you're excited tocatch up on each other's lives.
Like, how do you get there?
Because when you start dreamingbig, yes, it may seem like it's
a while away, and maybe it is.
Maybe you've got a lot of workto do, but doesn't that excite
(07:08):
you to know that it is possible?
Because when you set the righttimeline, anything is possible
because you have to learnskills, you have to set
standards, you have to maybeestablish new beliefs.
There's things that have tohappen, and I go through this
with my clients all the time.
We start looking at that in thebecome method, where once we've
uh established where they are,we have created a vision for
(07:29):
themselves, we then go intophase three, which is creating
discipline, right?
The discipline isn't just yes,you must do this, it is also
looking at what the standardsyou are, wanting to uphold, what
are the skills, all of thosesorts of things that you need to
develop because there is alwaysa gap, a gap between the man you
are right now and the man youwant to become.
So make sure that with clarity,that is gonna be what helps you
(07:52):
get out of the loop of loop,sorry, of stuckness.
How do we escape?
The answer lies in intentionallife design, not theory,
structure plus self-leadership.
So here are the pillars.
The first one, and I love thisone, and I just loosely touched
on this, but audit your reality.
And I touched on this brieflybefore, but you gotta be
brutally honest with whereyou're drifting and where you're
(08:13):
thriving.
Use the seven domain scorecardor assessment.
It is gonna show you what thedomains are, but it will show
you where you're drifting andwhere you're thriving, and it
can be very eye-opening, butit's such a powerful tool
because it will give yourecommendations on how to
improve those areas.
Because if you feel stuck,you're more than likely not
gonna take action.
(08:34):
But if you get this scorecardand it gives you
recommendations, which it willbecause I've put it in there,
you will then be able to startworking on a roadmap, or maybe
if you're sitting here and youwant to work with me, that might
be another step.
But start with that assessment.
So, for example, health,mindset, relationships, mission,
your finances, your lifestyle,your growth.
Rate yourself in each.
(08:55):
Where are you skipping,compensating, and in denial?
Step two, define who you mustbecome.
This is the fun part, not onlywhat you want from your life,
but who you must become.
This means you are going tochange your internal dialogue.
Who you are now is not who youwill become.
So for each domain, ask yourselfwhat does success look like?
(09:17):
Who must I become to embody it?
This is identity before outcome.
So say you want strongerrelationships, it's not just
spend more time, but becoming aman who listens, offers trust,
creates safety, right?
You're giving yourself things todo.
Number three, set one 12-weekgoal.
(09:37):
And just remember, you'll beable to get my new 12-week goal
planner on Amazon very soon.
But don't overload yourself.
Pick one domain to focus on,one, because you've already got
enough going on in your life.
If you try to do all of them atonce, it's a big overhaul, and
you'll realize very quickly thatyou just don't have enough time,
energy, or resources to do itall at once.
(10:00):
So focus on one, build momentum,stack small wins.
But momentum compounds, smallwins breed the confidence.
So you can't hit what you can'tsee.
So if your vision is vague,gentlemen, the world's
expectations will quietly,sorry, quietly hijack your
decisions.
Number four, integration, notisolation.
(10:20):
Now, this is one of my favoriteparts around this.
All seven domains areinterconnected, whether you like
to believe it or not, you can'tbuild finances at the expense of
your health and expectsustainable fulfillment.
The aim is alignment, right?
Moving all parts toward aunified vision, not juggling
isolated habits.
(10:41):
So when you realize, and I'llI'll share my story and
experience.
A decade ago, when I started inbusiness, all I focused about
was financial success, financialreward.
And I did that at the expense ofeverything else.
And I believed that it wouldallow me to then focus on all of
these other areas, which it has,and I learned in that process.
(11:02):
If I could give myself feedbackthough, I would say, hey Lockie,
chase the financial goal thatyou're chasing.
But understand that if yourmarriage or your relationship is
thriving, if your relationshipwith yourself, meaning you're
filling your own cup, you'reexercising, you're gonna have
more energy, focus, vitality tochase that financial goal.
(11:22):
So get after it.
So that's what I want to bringinto the purpose of that.
It's integration, not isolation.
Understand this as well.
You will mess up, you'll takewrong turns, and that is okay.
Feedback is not failure, it isdirection or redirection, right?
And the only real mistake thatyou'll make is staying stuck.
(11:44):
If you've listened to this thingnow and you haven't done
anything since even the firsttime you listen to my podcast,
ask yourself why haven't I doneanything?
Is it a limiting belief?
Is it fear of failure?
Is it lack of accountability?
Right?
You've got to answer thesequestions for yourself to be
able to give yourself and putyourself in a position to take
that next step.
(12:05):
Okay, so make sure that youunderstand it's okay to fail.
I fail all the bloody time.
I really do, and I'm proud of itbecause at least I know I'm
having a crack.
The answers aren't always a newjob or a bigger house or another
promotion, they're in you, yourvision, your identity, your
design.
So if this resonates, here'swhat you can do right now
(12:27):
download and take the free sevendomain assessment.
The link's in the description,or you can head to my website,
theman that can project.com.
It's on the home page.
Rate yourself today.
It will give you some actionablesteps to take.
And that is one of the bestparts because if you lack ideas,
if you lack frameworks, you canthen go, oh, this is what I need
(12:47):
to do.
The second thing, in thecomments, comment below what
you've taken away from this,which domain feels most off
right now for you.
Name it.
All right, let's start workingtogether.
And thirdly, hit the subscribebell.
I release coaching content likethis every week.
And if you're serious aboutbreaking free of that stuckness
loop, the loop of stuckness,that scorecard will be the
(13:10):
starting point to seeing whereyou're drifting and where you're
thriving.
So you can start designing yourlife with clarity and attention.
Remember, doing everything rightdoesn't guarantee fulfillment.
You can live by someone else'smap or you can feel lost in your
own life.
The shift is choosing to stopfollowing and start designing.
Decide who you want to become,build towards that, and take
(13:30):
that first step today.
Not tomorrow, today.
What is one small step you cantake after having listened to
this to change your life?
Thank you guys for watching.
My name's Loughlin Stewart.
See you in the next one.