February 3, 2025 • 48 mins
Answering questions from ladies under 30.
Imagine navigating the complex maze of modern relationships with a blend of traditional wisdom and fresh perspectives. Join me and my long-time friends, Leon Cohen and Delva Michel, along with the remarkably insightful Justin Bradford, as we tackle pressing questions from young women exploring romance, relationships, and family building. From dissecting societal norms and personal insecurities that shape our perceptions of control, to redefining gender roles in pursuit of balanced partnerships, we aim to offer you a nuanced guide through the intricate landscapes of personal connections.
What truly defines the success of a relationship? Is it love, financial stability, or something more intangible like character and values? We embark on a candid discussion surrounding these themes, emphasizing the importance of authenticity and respect over conventional notions of love. Delve into the complexities of expectations, financial independence, and the dynamics of joint finances in marriage, as we share personal anecdotes and hard-won insights. Our narrative threads through the cultural taboos of seeking therapy and the journey of healing generational traumas, offering a compelling reflection on the power of empathy and communication.
Discover the vital role of mentorship and self-reflection in personal growth, particularly for women embracing femininity and its deeper qualities beyond the surface. Our conversation also kicks off the Manhood Matters series, where we unravel the intricacies of masculinity with valuable insights from our guests. Join us in this thought-provoking episode as we strive to inspire, challenge, and guide you through the multifaceted journey of relationships, personal growth, and family dynamics.
Email us at manhoodmatterspodcast@gmail.com
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Host: StéphaneAlexandre
IG: @stephanealexandreofficial
Music by Liam Weisner
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
but then also, it's how you're going about it.
Is there even a high button totouch?
Because, if not, maybe you'reprojecting your own insecurity.
Like what if a woman came up tome and said, or came up to me
was like you need therapybecause you're too controlling?
But she thinks I'm controllingbecause she tries to go out to
the clubs with her friends everysingle weekend and wear a
little mini skirt and I'm likeI'm not gonna take you serious.
You go out with that, the doorslock.
When you come back, find a newone Right, and then she's like
(00:22):
well, no, now you're controlling, now you're too opinionated.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Thank you for joining us this week, man.
I am excited.
This is part one of athree-part series that we have
dedicated to answering questionsfrom young women, all under the
age of 30.
Some have children, some are incommitted relationships, some
(00:46):
aren't, but all of theirquestions have to do with life,
romance, relationship building,a family, a foundation, etc.
I am joined by my longtimefriend, one of the most
traditional, methodical,pragmatic, intelligent men that
I have ever known, leon Cohen,also joining me.
(01:07):
We have my forever friend,delva Michelle, a wonderful
family man, friend, brother,mentor to some and, quite
honestly, someone that I look upto, even though he's younger
than I am.
And, lastly, we are also joined.
This is a twist.
We were going to have olderguys answering questions, but
(01:29):
because this young man is somature I'm not going to say for
his age, he's just mature periodA stoic, a very logical and
intellectual person, and he isguided by a solid foundation
through the word as a followerof Christ.
Justin Bradford joins us in theliving room today and I think
(01:51):
it's exciting that we'll havesomeone who is in that same age
bracket with these young women.
This episode is proudlysponsored by OnsiteLabsnet,
that's, o-n-s-i-t-e labsnet.
Whether you're seeking apaternity test or a DNA
(02:11):
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Welcome to Manhood Matters.
(02:31):
Let's get right to it.
What's going on?
Everyone?
I am Stefan, your host.
I am here with my boy from man.
How long have we known eachother?
Leon, ooh uh 2008?
Speaker 3 (02:50):
2000,.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
yeah, yeah it's been a while.
Yeah, yeah, bro, known youforever man.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Yeah, it seems like it anyway.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
It's been a good ride .
Brother Appreciate you.
So Leon Cohen is in the houseabout to impart his wisdom, and
we also have my boy, delva,michelle.
Yes, sir, dude, I've known youthe longest.
Speaker 4 (03:10):
I believe.
So yeah, because.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
I've known you.
I think we met when you werelike 16.
How old are you now?
48.
Jesus Christ, that's a longtime.
Yeah, you looked at him right.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Because, like, how old do you think he was?
I didn't know but it gave me awhole different perspective now.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Yeah, how old do you think he was, say mid 30s?
Mid 30s yeah just cause alittle gray on the beard or
whatever.
It's incredible, but I've knownjust do it a long time.
So what happened with him?
He was, he's a musician and hewas a drummer.
Now he's a bass player.
He probably plays everyinstrument, but back then he was
primarily a drummer and Iremember we would have gigs and
(03:49):
he was not allowed in the clubs.
Speaker 4 (03:51):
Facts.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Because he was too young.
You think he looks young now.
Imagine what he looked likewhen he was 16.
He looked 10, right, but yeah,it's been a good ride, man.
And how long you been married19 years now.
That's beautiful.
And, Leon, I forgot to ask youhow long you been married Since
2007.
Speaker 3 (04:08):
Don't make me do math , brother, I'm sorry.
So it's 18 years.
Speaker 4 (04:13):
It was easy for me, just in six 18 years.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
All right, that's awesome.
And we have Justin the mentor,Justin Bradford what's up,
brother?
Speaker 3 (04:25):
Nothing have.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
Justin, the mentor, justin Bradford what's up,
brother?
Nothing much, man.
Good to have you here,absolutely Now.
Justin and I we've known eachother about a year, just about,
and it's been amazing because wejust, you know, we are business
partners, work together.
We worked together for a littlebit and now we're business
partners, and he's someone thatthis is going to sound weird to
say because he's so much youngerthan me, he's younger than my
kids, but I look up to you, yourwisdom your intelligence is
(04:48):
something that I'm proud towatch.
I'm proud to watch that develop,so that's why you're here, even
though you're young enough tobe on.
Speaker 4 (04:58):
Everyone's kid.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
Everyone's kid in here.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
We're about your dad's age, so this particular
episode is really gonna be cool.
So what happens is young ladiesthey're all under 30, I believe
.
So these are all young women intheir twenties and they sent in
their questions and they wantedto get our perspective as you
know, the OGs, the young G overhere and just get the male
(05:26):
perspective.
Like, what is it that we'rethinking?
And what I find is, a lot oftimes where people are in it,
it's hard to see it right, youcannot give yourself advice.
You know the answer, you justwant to act on it and you
haven't noticed that how, whensomeone else comes to you, you
just seem to be like the mostwise person in the world.
You have all the answers butyou can't solve your own shit.
(05:47):
So I think that you know we'regoing to show them some grace
and just be able to kind ofanswer their questions, because
they're going through somethings, and I think that we're
maybe going to come across asmore of a sounding board to
those guys, to these ladies,rather than anything else.
I think they know the answers,but they need to hear it.
This is unfiltered, this is raw, this is real.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
So, justin, you're going to read the questions and,
yeah, let's get to it, man,awesome so question number one
ask what does a man expect tohear or what is the appropriate
answer for when a man asked me,what do I bring to the table?
Speaker 2 (06:24):
We hear that a lot these days right.
We hear that a lot these days,these days yes, yeah, what do
you think, leon?
Speaker 3 (06:30):
So that dynamic has changed since I was in the
dating market, because it wasn'tquote, unquote, I would say
expectation, it was somethingyou kind of got around to.
But we have a youngergeneration of men that think
differently than our generationdid in the way we were brought
up.
So I go back to my father'sgeneration.
My father expected to take careof a woman.
(06:52):
It was not what was shebringing to the table as far as
income or whatever.
It was like OK, can you comehome, can you fix a meal, make
sure everything is good aroundhere, since I'm going out to
make the money.
As I grew up in my generation,of course women were working and
it still wasn't 50-50.
But you know, it was one ofthose things where it was like
(07:13):
OK I know I got to carry most ofthis weight here the answer
that I think these young men youknow are looking for, just in
talking to them from you know,mentoring, you know they're
looking for what you'll haveBasically, you know.
All right, everybody talks aboutmarriage as a partnership.
Well, partners, 50-50.
(07:35):
Let's you know what you got.
Yeah, if you ain't bringing atleast that, then you know I can
do this by myself.
Right, you know, figure it out.
So I think the biggest thingwith that question for women is
you need to decide what yourrole is going to be in the house
and establish that early.
So, or establish if this is aperson you're going to even be
(07:55):
with, and that's a considerationfor you, because I don't need
to tell you what I'm bringing tothe table if I don't plan on
being with you for you because Idon't need to tell you what I'm
bringing to the table if Idon't plan on being with you?
that's and I think that that'swhere the disconnect is is that,
if I'm dating you, why do Ihave to tell you what I'm
bringing to the table?
We're just trying to figure outif we even gonna be together,
right get to know each otherfirst.
Yeah, it's a feel.
It's a filling out process.
(08:16):
So if we filling each other outthat's irrelevant.
Now, as we progress and figureout that we want to go further
than now, we want to be in arelationship and take that
relationship further, then Ithink that question is more
appropriate.
I think that people skip stepsin relationships.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
So let's say you're there, let's say there's been
five, six dates.
The woman I mean the man ratherasks that very question.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
That's good and I can give a good perspective just
from like being in the datingpool.
As far as what he said, it'svery true, cause there's a lot
of feminized men in mygeneration that look for a
partner rather than a helper,like the whole Adam and Eve
dynamic.
So the thing I actually ask isnot what do you bring to the
table?
Cause I would add onto thatthat you have never given to
another man.
Cause now when they hear thatyou have never given to another
(09:07):
man, because now, when they hearthat you have to dive into
character, you have to dive intoyour values, you have to dive
into the principles that yourparents maybe gave you.
So, as far as the appropriateanswer, I think it's intangible
things, something that nobodycan take away from you.
Maybe that's your purity, maybeit's your innocence, maybe it's
your intelligence, maybe it'syour ability to just be
submissive, because that's avery lost art today with the
women that I have to encounter.
So that's a dirty word.
Speaker 3 (09:22):
You got to be careful with that submissive thing
that's going to be controversial.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
So be it.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
But it's very true If you're a man worth submitting
to, if you're a man of highcharacter and you're not just
some financial provider say thatagain If you're a man worth
submitting to right, Because alot of men, at least in my
generation, we're.
Because a lot of men, at leastin my generation, were striving
to be financial providers ratherthan true leaders, Meaning you
can provide, but you also knowhow to protect.
You also know how to prevail.
(09:48):
You also know how to establisha good foundation for the family
unit to come on to.
So I think a lot of the answersthat they probably give are
more so well, I like to party,and that's not what people want
to hear.
It's like you're bringing funto the table.
I'm looking for fulfillmentbeing brought to the table.
Excellent answer.
Speaker 4 (10:06):
It's crazy because this question is pretty wide,
right Broad.
Yeah, it's broad because thething is nothing you guys say is
wrong.
And, not to confuse the ladies,I have a different spin on it.
Go for it.
You don't want this to be acookie cutter answer, right?
So what do men want to hear?
(10:26):
you you really just want to talkto the person you're asking the
question to?
What does he want to hear?
What do you expect to hear fromyou?
Okay, because myself, all Iwant you to bring is respect.
You don't even have to love medamn.
Speaker 3 (10:41):
Wow, what the hell, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
I'm sorry, bro, break that shit down absolutely.
Speaker 4 (10:46):
I will take respect over love anytime but that wait,
wait, I'm confused.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
I agree to that oh, do you agree?
Speaker 4 (10:54):
I agree to that absolutely, because the thing is
on the same page.
I like wait okay, if you couldbe feminine and soft and and and
know yourself, bring yourself,don't hide who you are.
Okay, that's respecting me fromfrom the get-go.
Okay, I know I'm dealing with.
We could build on love later.
We have to like each other.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Obviously they're not bringing.
They're not bringing that, that, that performance, they're
bringing their authenticity.
Speaker 4 (11:21):
That's not your representative.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
That's you.
Speaker 4 (11:23):
There you go.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
So can I answer her question?
If that was asked of me, whatdo I bring to the table?
I would ask that person in turn, what do you need?
Because I could be bringingsomething to the table that
could not be relevant to yourneed.
I mean, is it emotional, is itphysical, is it monetary, what
(11:44):
is it?
And then they'll go back to.
Well, I just need to know whatyou bring to the table.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
No, no, they're asking the other, no, it's the
other way around.
They're asking what is it thatwe are expecting to hear?
We ask them that question Right.
Speaker 3 (11:56):
And so what do we say to that?
That would be my response if Iwas the young lady, that
definitely ties into what hesaid.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
As far as it depends on the person, right?
Like you don't want to try tothrow something on the wall and
hope it sticks or be a cookiecutter.
Answer Each person's different.
He may want respect, you maywant love, I may want submission
.
He may want a counterpart,right?
We don't know what each otherwants, and neither does that
woman, until she asks questionsand gets to learn that exact man
.
Speaker 4 (12:19):
So when Delva asks what do you bring to the table
to you, I want to hear exactlywhat you bring to the table, not
what you expect me to hear.
You understand what I'm saying.
Be like, hey, I'm the personwhen you come home, you could
just feel like, okay, you wantto come home too.
Okay, but you have to be thatperson, because once you tell me
that that's what I have to goby, because once you tell me
(12:40):
that that's what I have to go by.
So don't tell me what you thinkI expect to hear.
Be yourself.
So that's respect to me.
So, which means, if you couldhave respect, you respect me as
a man, which is I've beenmarried 19 years, bro.
Nothing is super smooth, right,but I have to say I am good,
I'm happily married because mywife respects me.
And it's crazy, when we met, Ididn't bring much to the table.
(13:03):
She had it all.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
When you say you didn't bring much to the table,
you mean the things that arestereotypically expected Money
you know.
Speaker 4 (13:12):
But I brought myself my genuine self.
She accepted, she bought in.
She was like, yeah, that's whatI want.
And then I was looking forsomebody just like her, somebody
that expect me for who I was.
I was a musician yeah I wasmaking money, but in our culture
, you know, I mean, once youwere a musician you're like, hey
, you're a bum, you're a bum,right.
(13:33):
And then her father was aengineer working for the
government.
Oh you, even more of a bum,exactly.
And mom was a college dean.
Oh, you're even more of a bum,exactly, and mom was a college
dean.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Oh, you're a super bum.
Okay, levels to it, yeah.
Speaker 3 (13:45):
What is?
Speaker 2 (13:46):
he doing?
He's doing what?
How much is he?
How do you want to live on that?
He's on a bass Okay, in aHaitian band.
Exactly, that's even worse.
Speaker 4 (13:54):
So that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
And she respected me for who I was.
So say yeah.
So just be authentic in thatway, absolutely.
That's what I'm trying to say.
So it sounds to me like we, youknow they would need to go a
step back and think about dothey even know themselves who
they are and what their identityis as a woman?
So if you know that when thequestion is asked, you can
answer it honestly, absolutely,because there's nothing more to
it.
So find out who you're talkingto.
I guess in a way, right, ifyou're dating this person, like
you said, leon, you're gettingto know this person.
Find out who that person is,don't rush to anything.
(14:26):
So by the time this question isasked, you'd know what type of
man is asking you a question.
Speaker 4 (14:31):
Check this out, steph , because I've heard this.
I don't want to take credit forthis.
There was a woman who askedthat question to a man, right, I
mean a man?
Right, I mean a man asked aquestion to a woman what do you
bring to the table?
And then she said oh, you guysdon't even know what you want
because you asked for somebodywho had their shit together and
then when you get one, you youleave them for a lesser uh woman
(14:52):
by her standard.
So somebody okay.
And then the guy said you knowwhat's funny having your shit
together doesn't disqualify youfrom being a horrible person,
because you could have your shittogether.
But I can't live with you andthe lesser person to you by your
standard, I feel welcome, Ifeel wanted, I feel respected.
(15:17):
So who has the shit together?
Speaker 1 (15:21):
I'll tie in a good one-liner for that right.
That I just thought about in myhead.
I thought about if they qualifyfrom the internal, you know
it's something true.
If they qualify from theexternal, you know trouble will
brew.
Goddamn, you know what.
Speaker 3 (15:33):
Because, it's complete, stop it.
There you go, there you go,justin.
That's what's up.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
They're going to have to pause the podcast on this
one and write it down becausethat's a good one right there.
Speaker 4 (15:41):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Thank you.
That should just be authenticself answer the question
honestly and if that's the rightperson for that person, then
then so be it.
There, you go All right.
What's the next question,Justin?
Speaker 1 (15:50):
Second question is when is the right time to have
joint finances?
If ever, never?
Or do you have an alternativeoption?
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Yes, I got a good yeah, I got a good yeah, I got a
good alternative.
I got a good alternative.
Leon is the okay brother.
You've, you've, you've, you'vebeen successful.
Speaker 3 (16:09):
You have investments, your real estate, do so what's
your answer?
So if I'm ever asked to advisepeople on what has made my
marriage successful, the firstthing I tell them is that I have
never co-mingled finances withmy spouse.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Really.
Speaker 3 (16:24):
Or spouses, ever Spouses.
So I'm on my second.
Okay, all right, and we'll getinto that.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
Yeah, but this one's lasted like 18, 19 years, so
okay.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
So the reason for that is because most marriages
end because of Money Finances.
So the biggest problem I had isthat if I'm the primary
breadwinner and we're minglingfinances and I want to go spend
$500 of money that I made andyou telling me, no, I can't
spend it, it's going to be alarge problem for me.
Right, where I came to a mediumis is that okay, we're going to
(16:56):
decide who take care of whatbill?
Whatever you make and you wantto spend, you make.
Whatever I make and I want tospend, I make.
So that way.
That way we don't have anargument on if I want to spend
extra, go hang out with thefellas or this, that and the
other, you can't tell me wedon't have money.
No, the bills are paid.
Now.
If you want to go hang out withyour girls and you don't have
the money to do that, that's onyou.
Now.
If you want to come back andask me hey, can I?
(17:17):
You know, can you give?
That's a whole nother question.
But to tell me how to spendmoney that I made, that's not,
that's a deal breaker.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Are you the primary and have you always been the
primary breadwinner?
You make the most, okay, so doyou think that it makes her
uncomfortable if she doesn'thave enough to ever ask you?
Speaker 3 (17:34):
Absolutely not.
My wife can come and ask me foranything, and that's, and
that's the agreement we have.
You know, I don't.
It's not what's mine is mineand what's his is mine, or
what's hers is mine, it's youknow can she ever?
Grab the card or she alwayshave to ask.
I mean, from the standpoint ofit being in my wallet, yeah, you
probably need to ask me, but ifyou, say hey, babe I need, then
(17:55):
I'm just gonna go ahead grab itout here go go, do what you
need to do, yeah you're verytraditional in traditional in
that sense.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
Yeah, you know, like I said, I've known you a while.
You're very traditional in thatsense.
D what's your take on it?
Speaker 4 (18:05):
Well, the right time is the right time for you guys,
have conversations, build afoundation, how you want to run
your lives.
The right time for me and mywife.
I met my wife in 2001.
We got married in 2006.
I got engaged in 2005.
The first day we got engaged weopened a joint account and we
(18:25):
never have a separate accountever since.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
Okay, so one account.
Speaker 4 (18:30):
One account.
Well, now we have several Right, but we just kind of pocket
them right.
This is for entertainment, thisis for my daughter's dance
studio, whatever extracurricularactivities, and these are for
the bills, savings, investment,this, whatever.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
Yeah, you have your business account as well.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
Absolutely.
We have a business account aswell.
And then I'm like, hey, I wantspending money.
I have 12 bases, I might want a13.
That's my Guitar bases.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Bass guitars, baby Bass guitars, that's right,
yeses bass guitars, baby, yeah,basses, that's right, you have
12 yes, sir and they're notcheap.
What's it now?
Speaker 4 (19:07):
most expensive one is $5,500.
Okay, least expensive is $300.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
So there's no, really if it sounds good if it sounds
good
Speaker 4 (19:16):
it's good to go.
Yeah, but we had anunderstanding right.
We don't live above our means.
We like to shop, we like tolook good, we like to go out to
eat, but at the same time we hada foundation in 2005.
That's the way it's going to be.
We never had a problem and Idon't think that's a wrong
answer.
But you guys have to figure outwhat you guys want to do.
(19:37):
I don't know I could live anyother way right now because
actually my wife keeps me honestwhen it comes to finances.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
Yeah, Only thing I would say is I think there is a
wrong time, and the wrong timeis when you're just casually
dating or you like each otherenough and you're all infatuated
.
There's lust, there's love,there's whatever.
There's those butterflies, shitis early and you go and open an
account.
Now, if your goal is not to getmarried because you don't
believe in marriage, whatever,it's a different story, right,
but we're talking about thetraditional person is going to
(20:06):
get married at some point.
I don't think that you should doanything until you either
engage, like you said, or Iwould even say, officially
married.
It worked out for you reallywell.
From you know you were marriedone year after your engagement,
so it worked out really reallywell.
But I think that some peopleare a little, they jump the gun
and it gets messy.
But if you decide to have alife together and you're going
(20:27):
to have this marriage, then atthat point I think it's the
prudent time to move forward andjoin finances, but not before.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
I'm very similar to you just in the way like my
father was, like the NFL player.
My grandfather was a highlysuccessful businessman,
traditional breadwinner, stay athome, wife, a lot of kids.
That was it.
Now, in saying that, though,I've also come to terms with,
like a alternative option towhere I think it's best that
there's yours, mine, ours, right, because ours is going to be
(20:58):
for our kids, ours is going tobe for our dates, our trips, our
things.
But then there's also mine,because two different aspects go
into that.
The first one is surprise, right, because imagine if your wife
she comes and surprises you witha $5,000 vacation and you're
like where did $5,000 come from?
My account, so, or our accountin this case.
But the second thing is theunderlying motive that will be
(21:23):
revealed when that conversationgets had, because conversation
and transparency eliminates allego.
So the second you have thatconversation, you go well,
listen, I don't want to have ajoint account, or I'm going to
have my money, you're going tohave yours.
And the second she goes well,why can't I get access to your
money?
And your answer should alwaysbe you got access to me.
You shouldn't worry about themoney you got me.
(21:43):
The second you need it, I'mgoing to provide.
I'm going to stay true to myword.
No-transcript, you didn'talready sign any agreements or
(22:04):
do anything.
That's going to stab you in theback dropping gems over here,
brother hey, back to questionnumber one.
Speaker 4 (22:09):
What do you bring to the table?
Right yeah, so that's whenever?
Was that you?
You know what I mean.
Was that what you expect me tohear?
That's what you were telling mewhen we asked me that, when I
asked you that question, youknow what I mean.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
Next question, brother number three is how do I
explain to a man the importanceof therapy when he's
uncomfortable with telling astranger his business?
Speaker 4 (22:32):
Oh brother.
Speaker 3 (22:33):
This one is up.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Oh boy All right, so I'll take it on.
I'll take it on.
So therapy is very important,right?
It's not the only solution,it's definitely very important.
I think that his mindset isdefinitely wrong by him thinking
that he's giving tellingsomebody his business, that
person's professional, it's nodifferent.
You go to the doctor, right,you got to tell your doctor your
(22:56):
business, because otherwiseyou're going to get hemorrhoid
cream for a headache and thatdoesn't work, wow.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
It's a good analogy, though, but yeah, so you got to
be able to share that.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
That's because you don't know your ass from the
whole graph Exactly so you haveto be able to tell someone for
sure.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
But the thing is this , the thing is this right?
So think about it this waythere are sites where you can go
and get therapy where you'renot even being seen, you're not
sitting on a couch with thepeppermint, You're just
basically doing it virtually.
You know, I did therapy.
I did it virtually, I did it inperson.
And if you're uncomfortablewith that particular therapist
(23:36):
and not working out for you, youcould just get rid of that one
and just get another one, and soit's done that way.
Now her question is how do Iexplain it to him?
And I would say this measureyour words and know what you're
going to say.
So approach it from a place oflove and empathy, and if you do
it that way, a person should nottake it the wrong way.
If they do, then you've got thewrong person.
But if you approach it from aplace of compassion and your
(23:58):
approach is hey, we all havethings we need to work through,
I'm working through them.
I don't think there's a placewhere I'll ever heal, because
it's not a destination, it'smore of a journey.
I'm going to have the wound,but if it's capped over, at
least I can continue and I canprogress.
I think that there are somethings that you need to work
through, that I want to be herefor you, but I don't think I'm a
professional.
I can't fix it.
I can't.
(24:18):
I can support you.
There are things that you needto work through to for us to
progress and get to a placewhere we're both happy and not
have to take it out on eachother and explain that there are
avenues to do it in a way wherehe's comfortable and he should
be okay with that.
It sounds a little ignorant tome when someone says I don't
want to tell somebody mybusiness.
I'm not even sure what the hellthat means.
Who are you talking to Pick itback?
Speaker 4 (24:39):
on what you said.
I think you're correct, but Ithink there's a hot button for
everything right?
Myself, I didn't even know Ihad trauma because I didn't
think my dad, I didn't think mydad loved me at all, Just being
a culture.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
Wow yeah.
Speaker 4 (24:50):
I will tell you the biggest whooping that I got.
It's crazy and I rememberbecause when I was in school I
was kind of smart.
It was me and this one girl.
If she doesn't get first place.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
I get first place back and forth and I want to go
ahead and explain this to peoplewho are not Haitian, and I
talked about this on anotherpodcast.
In Haiti, they rank the kids inschool.
So there are 30 kids in school.
The person with the highestcumulative average is going to
be number one and number two,and number three and number four
, and so you know who the bestin class is and who the worst in
(25:27):
class, and your parents know aswell.
So when you go home with areport card and you're number 29
out of 30, they don't even careif everybody got A's.
You know, hypothetically youcould have a class where
everyone's done well, but thisguy's a genius, he's going to
beat me.
He's going to do A+++.
Speaker 4 (25:48):
I was going from primary school to secondary
school and my dad told me Iunderstand you and Cecil that
was the girl who was taking onewhen I didn't take it she was
like, well, you better be numberone.
I'm like okay, well, I got toget on it right.
Bam, I was number one.
Got home happy, showed my dadmy report card First time I see
(26:09):
this guy smile in a long timeand he was like go away from me.
My mom was happy.
I think it was.
She think I was going to get agift, a son, whatever man my dad
pulled up in there.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
Whooped you, whooped me.
You were number one, number one, he smiled.
Speaker 4 (26:25):
My mom pulled.
It was like why.
It was like he's got to realizewhat it would be like if he
wasn't number one.
Oh, my God, he wanted to showyou what it would be like,
because he already made up hismind.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
That he was going to whoop your ass, so he doesn't
want to miss the opportunity.
Speaker 4 (26:44):
It wouldn't feel good for him.
That is beyond abuse.
So just to tell you, I havetrauma.
Yeah, so, and that's when Iwent to therapy, because I
realized every time I had tomake a call to Haiti.
If I hear this guy voice in thebackground, I tremble.
I was in my 30s.
I couldn't speak to my dad onthe phone yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:05):
And he's in a whole different country.
Speaker 4 (27:06):
Oh, that's a dude that I love, and I know he loves
me because of what he does forus, but when it comes to stuff
like that'm like man.
I question it.
So I had to go to therapy, uh,but I had to be really led to
that right, because I didn'tknow what therapy was broken,
hating none of.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
Well, you know what it is, but that's right.
Traditionally it's notsomething we do, we're tough,
and if we do it we're wusses.
Speaker 4 (27:32):
So yeah it was my wife, because every time I would
be on the phone she was'rewusses.
So, yeah, it was my wife,because every time I would be on
the phone she was like that wasyour dad, right?
It was like yeah, you.
She was like you only spoke tohim for 30 seconds, but you
speak to your sisters and cousinlike.
And I broke down and told herI'm like this, I just can't my
body tense up, yeah.
Yeah, and she was like you knowwhat you have to work through,
(27:56):
that you could speak to peopleyou know, because I understand
it's trauma.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Yeah a lot.
Speaker 4 (28:02):
And then I had to go through that.
Now I feel free.
Yeah, I could speak about it.
But also I have something in methat I regret, because when my
dad passed on before I madepeace, so now I'm like, wow, I
could have, I could have been ina better place with my dad if I
knew about therapy before that,because I was holding onto all
(28:23):
that trauma I didn't know how torelease.
So I would tell that personplease find a way, choose your
words wisely and make sure it'scoming from a place of love.
Find a hot button to realizemaybe the smallest trauma,
something he doesn't reallythink that's important, maybe
that's what you use.
Be like, hey, you know, like meit was the whooping, which is
(28:44):
something that's a regular in myculture.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (28:47):
You know what I mean, but that's what my wife used.
She was like, hey, it wasn'tyour fault and it wasn't your
dad's fault either.
That's the culture.
That's just that's what theyknow.
Maybe that's what he wentthrough.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
And then he never got help for it.
I talked about this, too,before I talked about the fact
that my dad had a lot ofchallenges, you know.
So, yeah, I heard that.
Speaker 4 (29:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
So the shit that I dealt with was pretty crazy, but
he dealt with some crazy shithimself and that shit is
generational.
And so, to answer this youngwoman, man, we, you have to find
that place, like you said, findthe hot button and maybe you
don't know what the hot buttonis, but you know there's
something there absolutely, andjust get him to understand that
you care enough about him, tosay this to him and, and
hopefully he'll take heed and gofor it.
(29:29):
Men, in general, we've beenthrough some shit.
We deal with it, everyone hasbut the problem is that we've
always been trained to not emoteright, we've always been
trained to just kind of keep theshit and bottle it and be a
certain way or whatever.
You got to be strong, we justneed to be human, and we're not
always allowed to be human, sothere needs to be a place where
you need to unpack that, yes,and that often is going to be
(29:50):
best served when you see aprofessional.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
There's two different situations, right, you can tell
a person that they need therapyand they're mature enough to
not need it.
Or you can tell a person theyneed therapy and they're too
narcissistic to not need it.
Because narcissism, which getsvery falsely categorized, is
more so the outweighing of theiropinion versus the truth.
Right, it's like saying, okay,well, that's blue, but I think
(30:13):
it's green, so it has to begreen for everybody.
That's narcissism.
So when a girl would tell you,hey, you need therapy, but
you're mature enough to haveworked through your problems
with therapeutic ways, talkingto your friends, playing a game,
going to the golf course,that's you being mature enough
to address the trauma or thetherapy needs yourself on your
own time.
Because oftentimes a therapistcan be who, what, why, when I'm
(30:36):
paid by the hour, not by thesolution.
So now you're sitting there onthe fifth session with the same
problem, because I'm blessed tohave great friends.
I've only had one coach in mylife and this coach great dude,
amazing dude he had a sessionwith me that he just DM'd me,
said I want to do it for free.
I get on the call with him,we're talking for an hour and I
mean he tells me the suppliesthat I need was pen and paper,
(30:58):
water and tissues.
And I did not cry becauseinstead we got to the end of the
call and he said you don't needme, which I respected even more
because the therapist is goingto say you always need me.
This was a difference in him.
He said you don't need mebecause if you had my coaching
and my inner work that I do, youwould be adding a sixth Rolex
to the collection of five.
It's nice, but you don't needit because you're systematic,
(31:20):
you're based on goodprincipalities to where, if I
come in and try to give youjudgment without knowing your
life plan and alignment, I maythrow you off of that and that's
not ordained from that point.
That's my plan, not your planand God's plan.
So having those good people iswhat caused me to be in a
situation of like if a womantried to explain the importance
of therapy to me.
Why do I need to tell astranger when I've already told
my friend or I've already talkedto myself, or I've already been
(31:42):
through the Bible and figuredout a verse that connect with me
and convicted me to overcomethat problem or that mountain?
Because the big thing is, somepeople do need it.
Some people have serious trauma.
Ptsd is the highest example ofthat, because people's body
tenses up when they encountersomething.
That's what needs to beaddressed.
And if a man denies that it'snarcissism because he's like,
nah, I don't need it, well, hisopinion's overriding the truth
(32:03):
of whenever that conversationhappens, even across countries,
he tenses up.
That's narcissism.
But for me I was like, oh, mytrauma's my dad.
Every time I'm with him I'mlaughing, loving, training,
doing all these good things, butI just don't see him, besides a
couple of times a year.
That's self-imposed.
You should be able to achievethe maturity to work through
that.
So I think there's two differentsides to her question.
Right, it's the man inquestioning, as far as who
(32:25):
you're even suggesting thetherapy to.
But then also it's how you'regoing about it.
Is there even a high button totouch?
Because if not, maybe you'reprojecting your own insecurity.
Like what if a woman came up tome and said, or came up to me
and was like you need therapybecause you're too controlling,
but she thinks I'm controllingbecause she tries to go out to
the clubs with her friends everysingle weekend and wear a
little mini skirt and I'm likeI'm not going to take you
serious.
You go out with that.
(32:46):
The door's locked when you'recontrolling.
Now you're too opinionated.
I'm like no, I'mprinciple-based.
I know my reputation is myrepetition and if my girl is
repetitively out looking forattention, that's not my girl,
you're not the person I'mlooking for, but you need
therapy.
Speaker 3 (33:04):
You didn't tell me you brought that to the table
Right.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
Hey now.
Speaker 3 (33:10):
You knew she brought it to the table because that's
what you're attracted to.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
That's what she showed up as Absolutely.
That's it, and that's anexternal thing, that she's
bringing to the table.
External appearance Like that's, so big it's the internal
things where you can see therespect, which is what I value
more than anything, Like therespect, the peace, the
avoidance of problems.
All that good stuff, Because inreality, life, this one guys.
(33:41):
But how do I raise my childrenwithout traumatizing them?
Speaker 3 (33:42):
while still healing myself.
I can start by all means.
So, as I told you, my dad wasan old school guy and, like I
said, he shows up in me some wayevery day and I laugh at it,
right?
So one of his biggest things,and I can tell I think I had
this conversation with youbefore, but the first time I
heard my dad tell me he wasproud of me was May 21st 1995.
(34:04):
You know why I can rememberthat exact date.
You may need therapy.
You remember that.
That's crazy.
The reason why I remember thatexact date is that's the day
that I graduated from college.
Wow, that was the first time Iever heard him tell me he was
proud of me.
What that did for me was itmade me tell my daughter that
(34:25):
I'm proud of her.
Now, not for everything.
Going back to background, mymom was a teacher, got her
master's, did all her doctoralwork straight A student in
everything.
She did my dad engineerstraight A student, right, that
wasn't me, I'll just say that.
So I understood the perspectiveof where they come from, where
(34:45):
it was.
I'm not going to praise you forbeing average or for doing
what's expected, because now itbecomes.
When I do praise you it doesn'tmean anything because you've
been.
You know little.
Jimmy always gets the ribbonjust because he participated.
That's not the household I grewup in.
That's not the household mydaughter grows up in.
(35:06):
No, you have to show me theexceptionalism, because other
than that, you won't know thedifference between average and
exceptional.
Because of that, I have found amedium to where I let her know
how proud of her I am.
I let her know I think you'rebeautiful.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
Again, justin, I hope you'll be honest.
Here was how do I raise mychildren?
Speaker 1 (35:27):
without traumatizing them, while still healing myself
.
Speaker 3 (35:30):
So if I had to say so , where I was going with that,
it was if I had to to say mytrauma was my trauma was that I
never knew or felt like my dadwas proud of me, like I always
had to do exceptionally well inorder to get that right, in
order to get, yeah, in order tokind of get that validation
right, because I had gotten to apoint in life where I told you
(35:51):
know my parents, I mean well, Itold myself I don't give a fuck
what these two think, as long asI'm happy, that's all that
matters.
And I did that young because itwas like oh, you got an A.
I mean, you should have got anA plus.
Oh, you got a, you got a B.
It should have been an A.
And so it was like well, damnokay, I'm doing the best I can,
and if it's not good enough fory'all, okay, cool, because y'all
ain't gonna drive me crazy andI don't know where.
That was just an internal thingwithin me that I learned early.
(36:14):
They're like fuck it, you don'tknow where the bar is, right,
yeah?
So it's like okay, I'm happy.
So as long as I'm happy with it, that's all that I care about.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
You're going to create trauma, no matter what
you do.
To a degree yes, to a degreeright, it's not necessarily
trauma, right, because it'slevels to it.
But what you have to try to dois pull out the best out of them
, because there's so much goodin them, and pull out the best
out of them and try to minimizethe bad, because it's good and
(36:43):
bad in all of us.
Awareness matters.
So if you're looking at it andsaying, well, this is kind of
what you said, leon, this iswhat happened with my life and I
see my own father in me.
So therefore I'm going toadjust to raise my kids a
certain way, and it keepsgetting better and better and
better.
But the first thing wasawareness and you noticed it and
you realize certain things.
I've mentioned this before,where I learned how to raise my
(37:04):
kids by watching my dad andlearning what not to do.
So that kind of helped me inthat way.
So there's no manual right forparenting.
But I will say one thing isdamn, wait, sometimes.
Wait.
I just think that a lot of youngpeople are too eager to I don't
hear.
I want to get myself together.
I want to get myself right.
I want to fix things that arewrong with my life.
(37:26):
I want to make sure I'm on theright path.
Then I want to date, to getmarried, and then I'd like to
start a family.
What I hear often from youngpeople, especially young women,
is I want to have a baby and I'mlike, well, that's that's.
You're about to start traumaright there because your plans
are backwards.
Right, but if you already havethe child and you already have
(37:47):
you know you're, you're a youngwoman, you have, you have kids.
Here's one thing you canabsolutely do Be careful who you
bring around your kids.
So if you're going to startdating man, you got to be really
, really careful.
You got a young daughter.
You're going to bring some menaround that child.
You need to be careful because atrauma is something that you
could be inviting into your ownhome.
So you have to discern whatmatters more to you.
(38:11):
Is it the fun?
Is it you need thatcompanionship, or is it taking
care of that kid and protectingthat child?
So be really, really carefulwith that.
Bring someone around your kid,but take your time to do it.
Make sure you understand, makesure you've gone through.
As you said, delva, you knowall of their representatives and
you can never, never, never,really, truly, truly know a
person.
Right, because God knows whathappens when they're, when they
(38:39):
are in the elevator bythemselves.
Right, because we all do thatlittle dance and no one's ever
seen it, right.
So you need to make sure youhave done everything you
possibly can and then when youbring that person around your
child for the first time, forthe second and third time
they're obviously never alone,but you bring them together.
You need to be watching withoutwatching.
You need to be watching thethings that are not super
obvious.
You need to listen to thethings that are not being said.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
Kind of like what you said, like I learned what not
to do for my dad, but then alsoI like because I can't speak on
it, but I can speak on what I'veseen my father do, because he
came from like the harshest ofharsh, from Commerce City to
where it was a spam.
You're practicing football on abasketball court and you're
pulling down the oven to getsome, some heat, but like all of
(39:18):
his siblings, bad in jailtrying to stab each other with
spoons.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
Stupid like, not even stupid as a compliment ignorant
quite literally, but because ifyou don't know a spoonful, you
got bigger problems, right butbut this was the thing is like
he.
Speaker 1 (39:31):
He grew up so underprivileged that he tried to
overcompensate with theprivilege that he gave to us to
like as we're going up in themillion dollar home, he thinks
like that's it to where.
Like he would be obviously notthere for us and present for us.
I didn't understand the conceptof a provider that's obviously
not having his time back to giveto us but also, at the same
(39:53):
time, every time he was aroundor if I ever spoke about my dad,
he was Superman because he hadcome over.
He would be doing backflips offour diving board and going with
us in the lake and fishing orjust playing football with us in
the field.
But he also had some of thattrauma from his dad, who was in
the military, of just like hard,hard, hard.
So like the things that hewould always tell me he can't
(40:15):
just give me good, he would haveto give me good.
With the bad which I lovebecause it's a competitive
spirit in me and that's the firethat keeps me going is like
he'd be like, okay, you're doinggood, but then next week I'll
do something bad.
He'll be like I'll go send youback to that school and make you
look like a pretender and I'mlike, ooh, he got that fire in
me Because this is the numberone thing.
It's like the competitiveness.
Even my sophomore year we hadcome back from the bus.
(40:37):
We just lost our playoff game.
Everybody's going home emptyingtheir lockers.
I'm on the field with the DBcoach, backpedaling, working on
drills, and the field's muddybecause I just had it in me.
It's like the if factor.
He created that intentionally,but he also tried to do the
intentional stuff to not be likehis dad, because he didn't just
talk to me where I was at orwhere he was at.
He spoke to me where he wantedme to be, where he wanted
(40:58):
himself to be.
So, like for anybody that'strying to raise their children
without traumatizing them, whilethey're still healing from this
stuff, while they're stillstuck in the battle, it's like
speak as if you overcome it.
Speak as if you want thatperson to not go through the
same battle, because the inversebrings gratitude.
It's like if you suffer frombeing poor your whole life, well
, don't talk to your child andalways scare them with money
(41:18):
words or with moneyconversations.
It's like speak to the inverse.
That's going to bring thegratitude.
I always say that for everything, like if you're going from fat
to skinny, you feel good.
From poor to rich, you feelgood.
So if you're always traumatizedby this, speak about that and
watch how not only it makes thembetter, but it probably heals
you as well, because you'retaking the right actions.
Oh, hell, yeah.
Next one this is a good one, itsays.
(41:39):
As a young woman with not muchguidance or good role models of
the kind of woman I want to bearound, how do you advise I stay
feminine while doing the thingsI need to do to take care of me
?
Speaker 4 (41:49):
The first good thing I could see in her question is
that she realizes she needs achange.
Right, because maybe she has towork what she does, she has to
live what she lives.
She has to operate what shedoes.
If you know that it's not goodfor you when you leave there,
change your circle.
You know what I mean.
Whatever that is, it's theopposite of where you are right
(42:12):
now.
If they're not feminine enoughfor you, get counseled by
somebody you think is morefeminine, and not even when you
leave there.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
When you're there, when you're at university, you
got a bunch of feminine girls.
You got a bunch of relationshiptherapists like just yeah,
that's very true that's verytrue.
Speaker 2 (42:26):
There's a lot of women on on, you know, on social
media, that actually justpreach that.
So if that's something thatyou'd like to emulate, just
listen to them, because I'veheard a few of them and very
impressed and I'm just like,yeah, that's the kind of woman
that you know a masculine manwould want you don't have to
wait till you change cities orchange environments to change
the product.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
You have all these tools and resources utilize your
resourcefulness.
Speaker 2 (42:47):
I'm gonna say one more thing about that.
You know, as a woman beingaround and you don't have role
models.
Here's something that Iactually taught this way back
when I had a sales team and Igave each one of my sales guys
an assignment and I told them togo out and find a mentor, right
?
And they were like well, why doI find one?
You know, do I have to pay forit?
And you'd be surprised, right?
(43:12):
Well, it all depends on theenvironment.
So what they did is they allgot a LinkedIn.
They all had like 500, 600connections because that's what
they call them on LinkedIn.
These are all professionals,right?
No one's on there doing alittle trendy dance, no one's
doing stupid shit on there,right, it's all a professional
environment.
It's not fun, but that's whyit's LinkedIn, right, so it's
kind of boring, but Right soit's kind of boring.
(43:36):
But if you go on there, youfind other people that are at
least from your perspective.
They are already where you'retrying to go.
If you reach out to some ofthese people, all these guys, by
the way, ended up finding amentor for life.
They ended up connecting withsomeone.
All they did was you know, leon, tell me how you would react,
right, if you received a messagefrom a young man and you're
super busy and I'm not sure ifyou have the time for this.
Maybe you're one of 10 peoplethey sent this message to.
Hey, I've checked out yourprofile.
You're very impressive.
(43:57):
I like what you've accomplished.
Maybe mention something inparticular that they had an
award, that they had won aspeech, they had given a keynote
, they had done whatever it maybe, and they mentioned it.
So these women should be doingthat.
Reach out to that person andjust say I was wondering if you
would have maybe 10 minutes aweek where we can have a
conversation.
I'd like to learn from you andsee if this is something they're
(44:17):
willing to do.
I will tell you, a lot ofpeople will find that to be.
I could find 10 minutes a weekto talk to a young person who
gives me a call.
So if a woman is on LinkedIn andshe's kind of doing her thing
and she's killing it, then youyoung ladies are looking and
you're seeing that person andsaying, hey, let me reach out to
her, let me send her a message,see if I can ask.
And now you can discuss goals,you can discuss big picture.
(44:40):
It's not going to get supergranular, but you can talk about
certain things that will bevery beneficial for you.
You can tell this person yourgoal and then next Wednesday
because you talk each Wednesdayfor 10 minutes she's going to
hold you accountable.
Do you know how hard you'regoing to work to make sure you
don't disappoint this person, tomake sure you're there so you
can find mentors?
If you're really looking forone, it doesn't have to be your
(45:02):
auntie or your mom or anyone inyour environment.
You know where you need to begoing.
Find that person.
Speaker 1 (45:07):
I was going to say make sure you want to swap lives
with them.
Like that's the end, all be allis like, if you're going to
take advice, not with a grain ofsalt, but put your life on that
, like you're going to be like,hey, I'm going to listen to what
you say and actually apply it,correct, test it.
It's like, okay, well, if I dowhat you did, am I happy if I
became you?
Am I happy if I had yourrelationship?
There you go.
That's the biggest thing whenyou're picking the seeds that
(45:28):
you're going to put in your soilis what type of garden do they
actually grow?
There you go.
Speaker 3 (45:32):
Yeah, I mean it's different for this generation
than ours because of the adventof social media, where I mean I
don't like the term followers,but if you're going to follow
somebody, follow somebodypositive, right.
Follow somebody that followssomebody that is living the life
that you want to live For sure.
That you know is living thelife that you want to live, for
sure.
So I mean, that's what I'vealways been told is that you
(45:53):
know, if you don't have the rolemodels around you or in your
circle that you want to be like,then you need to broaden your
circle, correct?
Speaker 2 (45:59):
so change circles also go change them all together
.
Speaker 3 (46:02):
So if I'm this young lady you know and you're into
social media and then startfollowing the feminine
characters that you know youwant to, that have
characteristics that you want toincorporate, awesome To close
it out.
Speaker 4 (46:15):
I would say just also be careful to that young lady,
because the word feminine in themodern woman era it's taboo
right.
So if you want to be feminine,just know what comes with that,
because being feminine, that'sjust because you're going to
wear a dress as opposed to apair of jeans.
Okay, it's more than that.
(46:37):
Okay, I'm not saying you'regoing to be a traditional woman,
but being feminine means you'resoft, you're agreeable, you
listen and we listen to eachother.
But you understand, when yourespect your man, you speak with
a different tone than youspeaking with your friends.
It's being feminine.
I don't know if they reallyunderstand what they're asking.
(47:00):
Being feminine, it's not hard,but it's different than what it
is, what it used to be, probablylike 40, 50 years ago, than
what it is now, and I will tellyou, like the women, that I know
a lot of them, most of them, infact.
Speaker 2 (47:15):
they want to be feminine.
We just have to create a spacefor them to be feminine.
So that's our job to do so.
But the women, as youunderstand to your point, they
need to understand what that isand what it means.
Right, you don't always have tojust be that person.
And here's the thing.
It has nothing to do withweakness, because the women that
I know who are feminine,including my wife.
She is the strongest person Iknow, absolutely she is the
(47:35):
strongest, literally thestrongest person that I know.
It has nothing to do withphysicality.
It has nothing to do withanything other than the fact
that this is someone who hasfortitude, she has intellect,
she has a strong mindset, andyet she's feminine.
Speaker 4 (47:47):
Be strong minded, not hard headed there you go there,
you go.
Speaker 1 (47:51):
Like you said, it's not hard but it's not easy.
Speaker 2 (47:54):
Thank you so much for joining us this week.
We appreciate you for sendingit in your questions.
I want to definitely thank myguests.
They were both insightful,informative and if you feel that
this has helped you in any way,do me a favor right now.
Stop what you're doing, pauseand go ahead and hit that follow
(48:16):
button for me.
Also, share the episode with atleast one of your friends that
you feel this would help as well.
Keep in mind this is a threepart series, so this was only
part one.
We'll come back soon with parttwo and three.
We look forward to you joiningus again.
Manhood matters, baby.
We out you.
but then also, it's how you're going about it.
Is there even a high button totouch?
Because, if not, maybe you'reprojecting your own insecurity.
Like what if a woman came up tome and said, or came up to me
was like you need therapybecause you're too controlling?
But she thinks I'm controllingbecause she tries to go out to
the clubs with her friends everysingle weekend and wear a
little mini skirt and I'm likeI'm not gonna take you serious.
You go out with that, the doorslock.
When you come back, find a newone Right, and then she's like
(00:22):
well, no, now you're controlling, now you're too opinionated.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Thank you for joining us this week, man.
I am excited.
This is part one of athree-part series that we have
dedicated to answering questionsfrom young women, all under the
age of 30.
Some have children, some are incommitted relationships, some
(00:46):
aren't, but all of theirquestions have to do with life,
romance, relationship building,a family, a foundation, etc.
I am joined by my longtimefriend, one of the most
traditional, methodical,pragmatic, intelligent men that
I have ever known, leon Cohen,also joining me.
(01:07):
We have my forever friend,delva Michelle, a wonderful
family man, friend, brother,mentor to some and, quite
honestly, someone that I look upto, even though he's younger
than I am.
And, lastly, we are also joined.
This is a twist.
We were going to have olderguys answering questions, but
(01:29):
because this young man is somature I'm not going to say for
his age, he's just mature periodA stoic, a very logical and
intellectual person, and he isguided by a solid foundation
through the word as a followerof Christ.
Justin Bradford joins us in theliving room today and I think
(01:51):
it's exciting that we'll havesomeone who is in that same age
bracket with these young women.
This episode is proudlysponsored by OnsiteLabsnet,
that's, o-n-s-i-t-e labsnet.
Whether you're seeking apaternity test or a DNA
(02:11):
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If you are anywhere in themetro Atlanta area, you want to
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So they've got you covered.
Welcome to Manhood Matters.
(02:31):
Let's get right to it.
What's going on?
Everyone?
I am Stefan, your host.
I am here with my boy from man.
How long have we known eachother?
Leon, ooh uh 2008?
Speaker 3 (02:50):
2000,.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
yeah, yeah it's been a while.
Yeah, yeah, bro, known youforever man.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Yeah, it seems like it anyway.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
It's been a good ride .
Brother Appreciate you.
So Leon Cohen is in the houseabout to impart his wisdom, and
we also have my boy, delva,michelle.
Yes, sir, dude, I've known youthe longest.
Speaker 4 (03:10):
I believe.
So yeah, because.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
I've known you.
I think we met when you werelike 16.
How old are you now?
48.
Jesus Christ, that's a longtime.
Yeah, you looked at him right.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Because, like, how old do you think he was?
I didn't know but it gave me awhole different perspective now.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Yeah, how old do you think he was, say mid 30s?
Mid 30s yeah just cause alittle gray on the beard or
whatever.
It's incredible, but I've knownjust do it a long time.
So what happened with him?
He was, he's a musician and hewas a drummer.
Now he's a bass player.
He probably plays everyinstrument, but back then he was
primarily a drummer and Iremember we would have gigs and
(03:49):
he was not allowed in the clubs.
Speaker 4 (03:51):
Facts.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Because he was too young.
You think he looks young now.
Imagine what he looked likewhen he was 16.
He looked 10, right, but yeah,it's been a good ride, man.
And how long you been married19 years now.
That's beautiful.
And, Leon, I forgot to ask youhow long you been married Since
2007.
Speaker 3 (04:08):
Don't make me do math , brother, I'm sorry.
So it's 18 years.
Speaker 4 (04:13):
It was easy for me, just in six 18 years.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
All right, that's awesome.
And we have Justin the mentor,Justin Bradford what's up,
brother?
Speaker 3 (04:25):
Nothing have.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
Justin, the mentor, justin Bradford what's up,
brother?
Nothing much, man.
Good to have you here,absolutely Now.
Justin and I we've known eachother about a year, just about,
and it's been amazing because wejust, you know, we are business
partners, work together.
We worked together for a littlebit and now we're business
partners, and he's someone thatthis is going to sound weird to
say because he's so much youngerthan me, he's younger than my
kids, but I look up to you, yourwisdom your intelligence is
(04:48):
something that I'm proud towatch.
I'm proud to watch that develop,so that's why you're here, even
though you're young enough tobe on.
Speaker 4 (04:58):
Everyone's kid.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
Everyone's kid in here.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
We're about your dad's age, so this particular
episode is really gonna be cool.
So what happens is young ladiesthey're all under 30, I believe
.
So these are all young women intheir twenties and they sent in
their questions and they wantedto get our perspective as you
know, the OGs, the young G overhere and just get the male
(05:26):
perspective.
Like, what is it that we'rethinking?
And what I find is, a lot oftimes where people are in it,
it's hard to see it right, youcannot give yourself advice.
You know the answer, you justwant to act on it and you
haven't noticed that how, whensomeone else comes to you, you
just seem to be like the mostwise person in the world.
You have all the answers butyou can't solve your own shit.
(05:47):
So I think that you know we'regoing to show them some grace
and just be able to kind ofanswer their questions, because
they're going through somethings, and I think that we're
maybe going to come across asmore of a sounding board to
those guys, to these ladies,rather than anything else.
I think they know the answers,but they need to hear it.
This is unfiltered, this is raw, this is real.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
So, justin, you're going to read the questions and,
yeah, let's get to it, man,awesome so question number one
ask what does a man expect tohear or what is the appropriate
answer for when a man asked me,what do I bring to the table?
Speaker 2 (06:24):
We hear that a lot these days right.
We hear that a lot these days,these days yes, yeah, what do
you think, leon?
Speaker 3 (06:30):
So that dynamic has changed since I was in the
dating market, because it wasn'tquote, unquote, I would say
expectation, it was somethingyou kind of got around to.
But we have a youngergeneration of men that think
differently than our generationdid in the way we were brought
up.
So I go back to my father'sgeneration.
My father expected to take careof a woman.
(06:52):
It was not what was shebringing to the table as far as
income or whatever.
It was like OK, can you comehome, can you fix a meal, make
sure everything is good aroundhere, since I'm going out to
make the money.
As I grew up in my generation,of course women were working and
it still wasn't 50-50.
But you know, it was one ofthose things where it was like
(07:13):
OK I know I got to carry most ofthis weight here the answer
that I think these young men youknow are looking for, just in
talking to them from you know,mentoring, you know they're
looking for what you'll haveBasically, you know.
All right, everybody talks aboutmarriage as a partnership.
Well, partners, 50-50.
(07:35):
Let's you know what you got.
Yeah, if you ain't bringing atleast that, then you know I can
do this by myself.
Right, you know, figure it out.
So I think the biggest thingwith that question for women is
you need to decide what yourrole is going to be in the house
and establish that early.
So, or establish if this is aperson you're going to even be
(07:55):
with, and that's a considerationfor you, because I don't need
to tell you what I'm bringing tothe table if I don't plan on
being with you for you because Idon't need to tell you what I'm
bringing to the table if Idon't plan on being with you?
that's and I think that that'swhere the disconnect is is that,
if I'm dating you, why do Ihave to tell you what I'm
bringing to the table?
We're just trying to figure outif we even gonna be together,
right get to know each otherfirst.
Yeah, it's a feel.
It's a filling out process.
(08:16):
So if we filling each other outthat's irrelevant.
Now, as we progress and figureout that we want to go further
than now, we want to be in arelationship and take that
relationship further, then Ithink that question is more
appropriate.
I think that people skip stepsin relationships.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
So let's say you're there, let's say there's been
five, six dates.
The woman I mean the man ratherasks that very question.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
That's good and I can give a good perspective just
from like being in the datingpool.
As far as what he said, it'svery true, cause there's a lot
of feminized men in mygeneration that look for a
partner rather than a helper,like the whole Adam and Eve
dynamic.
So the thing I actually ask isnot what do you bring to the
table?
Cause I would add onto thatthat you have never given to
another man.
Cause now when they hear thatyou have never given to another
(09:07):
man, because now, when they hearthat you have to dive into
character, you have to dive intoyour values, you have to dive
into the principles that yourparents maybe gave you.
So, as far as the appropriateanswer, I think it's intangible
things, something that nobodycan take away from you.
Maybe that's your purity, maybeit's your innocence, maybe it's
your intelligence, maybe it'syour ability to just be
submissive, because that's avery lost art today with the
women that I have to encounter.
So that's a dirty word.
Speaker 3 (09:22):
You got to be careful with that submissive thing
that's going to be controversial.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
So be it.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
But it's very true If you're a man worth submitting
to, if you're a man of highcharacter and you're not just
some financial provider say thatagain If you're a man worth
submitting to right, Because alot of men, at least in my
generation, we're.
Because a lot of men, at leastin my generation, were striving
to be financial providers ratherthan true leaders, Meaning you
can provide, but you also knowhow to protect.
You also know how to prevail.
(09:48):
You also know how to establisha good foundation for the family
unit to come on to.
So I think a lot of the answersthat they probably give are
more so well, I like to party,and that's not what people want
to hear.
It's like you're bringing funto the table.
I'm looking for fulfillmentbeing brought to the table.
Excellent answer.
Speaker 4 (10:06):
It's crazy because this question is pretty wide,
right Broad.
Yeah, it's broad because thething is nothing you guys say is
wrong.
And, not to confuse the ladies,I have a different spin on it.
Go for it.
You don't want this to be acookie cutter answer, right?
So what do men want to hear?
(10:26):
you you really just want to talkto the person you're asking the
question to?
What does he want to hear?
What do you expect to hear fromyou?
Okay, because myself, all Iwant you to bring is respect.
You don't even have to love medamn.
Speaker 3 (10:41):
Wow, what the hell, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
I'm sorry, bro, break that shit down absolutely.
Speaker 4 (10:46):
I will take respect over love anytime but that wait,
wait, I'm confused.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
I agree to that oh, do you agree?
Speaker 4 (10:54):
I agree to that absolutely, because the thing is
on the same page.
I like wait okay, if you couldbe feminine and soft and and and
know yourself, bring yourself,don't hide who you are.
Okay, that's respecting me fromfrom the get-go.
Okay, I know I'm dealing with.
We could build on love later.
We have to like each other.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Obviously they're not bringing.
They're not bringing that, that, that performance, they're
bringing their authenticity.
Speaker 4 (11:21):
That's not your representative.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
That's you.
Speaker 4 (11:23):
There you go.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
So can I answer her question?
If that was asked of me, whatdo I bring to the table?
I would ask that person in turn, what do you need?
Because I could be bringingsomething to the table that
could not be relevant to yourneed.
I mean, is it emotional, is itphysical, is it monetary, what
(11:44):
is it?
And then they'll go back to.
Well, I just need to know whatyou bring to the table.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
No, no, they're asking the other, no, it's the
other way around.
They're asking what is it thatwe are expecting to hear?
We ask them that question Right.
Speaker 3 (11:56):
And so what do we say to that?
That would be my response if Iwas the young lady, that
definitely ties into what hesaid.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
As far as it depends on the person, right?
Like you don't want to try tothrow something on the wall and
hope it sticks or be a cookiecutter.
Answer Each person's different.
He may want respect, you maywant love, I may want submission
.
He may want a counterpart,right?
We don't know what each otherwants, and neither does that
woman, until she asks questionsand gets to learn that exact man
.
Speaker 4 (12:19):
So when Delva asks what do you bring to the table
to you, I want to hear exactlywhat you bring to the table, not
what you expect me to hear.
You understand what I'm saying.
Be like, hey, I'm the personwhen you come home, you could
just feel like, okay, you wantto come home too.
Okay, but you have to be thatperson, because once you tell me
that that's what I have to goby, because once you tell me
(12:40):
that that's what I have to go by.
So don't tell me what you thinkI expect to hear.
Be yourself.
So that's respect to me.
So, which means, if you couldhave respect, you respect me as
a man, which is I've beenmarried 19 years, bro.
Nothing is super smooth, right,but I have to say I am good,
I'm happily married because mywife respects me.
And it's crazy, when we met, Ididn't bring much to the table.
(13:03):
She had it all.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
When you say you didn't bring much to the table,
you mean the things that arestereotypically expected Money
you know.
Speaker 4 (13:12):
But I brought myself my genuine self.
She accepted, she bought in.
She was like, yeah, that's whatI want.
And then I was looking forsomebody just like her, somebody
that expect me for who I was.
I was a musician yeah I wasmaking money, but in our culture
, you know, I mean, once youwere a musician you're like, hey
, you're a bum, you're a bum,right.
(13:33):
And then her father was aengineer working for the
government.
Oh you, even more of a bum,exactly.
And mom was a college dean.
Oh, you're even more of a bum,exactly, and mom was a college
dean.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Oh, you're a super bum.
Okay, levels to it, yeah.
Speaker 3 (13:45):
What is?
Speaker 2 (13:46):
he doing?
He's doing what?
How much is he?
How do you want to live on that?
He's on a bass Okay, in aHaitian band.
Exactly, that's even worse.
Speaker 4 (13:54):
So that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
And she respected me for who I was.
So say yeah.
So just be authentic in thatway, absolutely.
That's what I'm trying to say.
So it sounds to me like we, youknow they would need to go a
step back and think about dothey even know themselves who
they are and what their identityis as a woman?
So if you know that when thequestion is asked, you can
answer it honestly, absolutely,because there's nothing more to
it.
So find out who you're talkingto.
I guess in a way, right, ifyou're dating this person, like
you said, leon, you're gettingto know this person.
Find out who that person is,don't rush to anything.
(14:26):
So by the time this question isasked, you'd know what type of
man is asking you a question.
Speaker 4 (14:31):
Check this out, steph , because I've heard this.
I don't want to take credit forthis.
There was a woman who askedthat question to a man, right, I
mean a man?
Right, I mean a man asked aquestion to a woman what do you
bring to the table?
And then she said oh, you guysdon't even know what you want
because you asked for somebodywho had their shit together and
then when you get one, you youleave them for a lesser uh woman
(14:52):
by her standard.
So somebody okay.
And then the guy said you knowwhat's funny having your shit
together doesn't disqualify youfrom being a horrible person,
because you could have your shittogether.
But I can't live with you andthe lesser person to you by your
standard, I feel welcome, Ifeel wanted, I feel respected.
(15:17):
So who has the shit together?
Speaker 1 (15:21):
I'll tie in a good one-liner for that right.
That I just thought about in myhead.
I thought about if they qualifyfrom the internal, you know
it's something true.
If they qualify from theexternal, you know trouble will
brew.
Goddamn, you know what.
Speaker 3 (15:33):
Because, it's complete, stop it.
There you go, there you go,justin.
That's what's up.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
They're going to have to pause the podcast on this
one and write it down becausethat's a good one right there.
Speaker 4 (15:41):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Thank you.
That should just be authenticself answer the question
honestly and if that's the rightperson for that person, then
then so be it.
There, you go All right.
What's the next question,Justin?
Speaker 1 (15:50):
Second question is when is the right time to have
joint finances?
If ever, never?
Or do you have an alternativeoption?
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Yes, I got a good yeah, I got a good yeah, I got a
good alternative.
I got a good alternative.
Leon is the okay brother.
You've, you've, you've, you'vebeen successful.
Speaker 3 (16:09):
You have investments, your real estate, do so what's
your answer?
So if I'm ever asked to advisepeople on what has made my
marriage successful, the firstthing I tell them is that I have
never co-mingled finances withmy spouse.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Really.
Speaker 3 (16:24):
Or spouses, ever Spouses.
So I'm on my second.
Okay, all right, and we'll getinto that.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
Yeah, but this one's lasted like 18, 19 years, so
okay.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
So the reason for that is because most marriages
end because of Money Finances.
So the biggest problem I had isthat if I'm the primary
breadwinner and we're minglingfinances and I want to go spend
$500 of money that I made andyou telling me, no, I can't
spend it, it's going to be alarge problem for me.
Right, where I came to a mediumis is that okay, we're going to
(16:56):
decide who take care of whatbill?
Whatever you make and you wantto spend, you make.
Whatever I make and I want tospend, I make.
So that way.
That way we don't have anargument on if I want to spend
extra, go hang out with thefellas or this, that and the
other, you can't tell me wedon't have money.
No, the bills are paid.
Now.
If you want to go hang out withyour girls and you don't have
the money to do that, that's onyou.
Now.
If you want to come back andask me hey, can I?
(17:17):
You know, can you give?
That's a whole nother question.
But to tell me how to spendmoney that I made, that's not,
that's a deal breaker.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Are you the primary and have you always been the
primary breadwinner?
You make the most, okay, so doyou think that it makes her
uncomfortable if she doesn'thave enough to ever ask you?
Speaker 3 (17:34):
Absolutely not.
My wife can come and ask me foranything, and that's, and
that's the agreement we have.
You know, I don't.
It's not what's mine is mineand what's his is mine, or
what's hers is mine, it's youknow can she ever?
Grab the card or she alwayshave to ask.
I mean, from the standpoint ofit being in my wallet, yeah, you
probably need to ask me, but ifyou, say hey, babe I need, then
(17:55):
I'm just gonna go ahead grab itout here go go, do what you
need to do, yeah you're verytraditional in traditional in
that sense.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
Yeah, you know, like I said, I've known you a while.
You're very traditional in thatsense.
D what's your take on it?
Speaker 4 (18:05):
Well, the right time is the right time for you guys,
have conversations, build afoundation, how you want to run
your lives.
The right time for me and mywife.
I met my wife in 2001.
We got married in 2006.
I got engaged in 2005.
The first day we got engaged weopened a joint account and we
(18:25):
never have a separate accountever since.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
Okay, so one account.
Speaker 4 (18:30):
One account.
Well, now we have several Right, but we just kind of pocket
them right.
This is for entertainment, thisis for my daughter's dance
studio, whatever extracurricularactivities, and these are for
the bills, savings, investment,this, whatever.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
Yeah, you have your business account as well.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
Absolutely.
We have a business account aswell.
And then I'm like, hey, I wantspending money.
I have 12 bases, I might want a13.
That's my Guitar bases.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Bass guitars, baby Bass guitars, that's right,
yeses bass guitars, baby, yeah,basses, that's right, you have
12 yes, sir and they're notcheap.
What's it now?
Speaker 4 (19:07):
most expensive one is $5,500.
Okay, least expensive is $300.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
So there's no, really if it sounds good if it sounds
good
Speaker 4 (19:16):
it's good to go.
Yeah, but we had anunderstanding right.
We don't live above our means.
We like to shop, we like tolook good, we like to go out to
eat, but at the same time we hada foundation in 2005.
That's the way it's going to be.
We never had a problem and Idon't think that's a wrong
answer.
But you guys have to figure outwhat you guys want to do.
(19:37):
I don't know I could live anyother way right now because
actually my wife keeps me honestwhen it comes to finances.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
Yeah, Only thing I would say is I think there is a
wrong time, and the wrong timeis when you're just casually
dating or you like each otherenough and you're all infatuated
.
There's lust, there's love,there's whatever.
There's those butterflies, shitis early and you go and open an
account.
Now, if your goal is not to getmarried because you don't
believe in marriage, whatever,it's a different story, right,
but we're talking about thetraditional person is going to
(20:06):
get married at some point.
I don't think that you should doanything until you either
engage, like you said, or Iwould even say, officially
married.
It worked out for you reallywell.
From you know you were marriedone year after your engagement,
so it worked out really reallywell.
But I think that some peopleare a little, they jump the gun
and it gets messy.
But if you decide to have alife together and you're going
(20:27):
to have this marriage, then atthat point I think it's the
prudent time to move forward andjoin finances, but not before.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
I'm very similar to you just in the way like my
father was, like the NFL player.
My grandfather was a highlysuccessful businessman,
traditional breadwinner, stay athome, wife, a lot of kids.
That was it.
Now, in saying that, though,I've also come to terms with,
like a alternative option towhere I think it's best that
there's yours, mine, ours, right, because ours is going to be
(20:58):
for our kids, ours is going tobe for our dates, our trips, our
things.
But then there's also mine,because two different aspects go
into that.
The first one is surprise, right, because imagine if your wife
she comes and surprises you witha $5,000 vacation and you're
like where did $5,000 come from?
My account, so, or our accountin this case.
But the second thing is theunderlying motive that will be
(21:23):
revealed when that conversationgets had, because conversation
and transparency eliminates allego.
So the second you have thatconversation, you go well,
listen, I don't want to have ajoint account, or I'm going to
have my money, you're going tohave yours.
And the second she goes well,why can't I get access to your
money?
And your answer should alwaysbe you got access to me.
You shouldn't worry about themoney you got me.
(21:43):
The second you need it, I'mgoing to provide.
I'm going to stay true to myword.
No-transcript, you didn'talready sign any agreements or
(22:04):
do anything.
That's going to stab you in theback dropping gems over here,
brother hey, back to questionnumber one.
Speaker 4 (22:09):
What do you bring to the table?
Right yeah, so that's whenever?
Was that you?
You know what I mean.
Was that what you expect me tohear?
That's what you were telling mewhen we asked me that, when I
asked you that question, youknow what I mean.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
Next question, brother number three is how do I
explain to a man the importanceof therapy when he's
uncomfortable with telling astranger his business?
Speaker 4 (22:32):
Oh brother.
Speaker 3 (22:33):
This one is up.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Oh boy All right, so I'll take it on.
I'll take it on.
So therapy is very important,right?
It's not the only solution,it's definitely very important.
I think that his mindset isdefinitely wrong by him thinking
that he's giving tellingsomebody his business, that
person's professional, it's nodifferent.
You go to the doctor, right,you got to tell your doctor your
(22:56):
business, because otherwiseyou're going to get hemorrhoid
cream for a headache and thatdoesn't work, wow.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
It's a good analogy, though, but yeah, so you got to
be able to share that.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
That's because you don't know your ass from the
whole graph Exactly so you haveto be able to tell someone for
sure.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
But the thing is this , the thing is this right?
So think about it this waythere are sites where you can go
and get therapy where you'renot even being seen, you're not
sitting on a couch with thepeppermint, You're just
basically doing it virtually.
You know, I did therapy.
I did it virtually, I did it inperson.
And if you're uncomfortablewith that particular therapist
(23:36):
and not working out for you, youcould just get rid of that one
and just get another one, and soit's done that way.
Now her question is how do Iexplain it to him?
And I would say this measureyour words and know what you're
going to say.
So approach it from a place oflove and empathy, and if you do
it that way, a person should nottake it the wrong way.
If they do, then you've got thewrong person.
But if you approach it from aplace of compassion and your
(23:58):
approach is hey, we all havethings we need to work through,
I'm working through them.
I don't think there's a placewhere I'll ever heal, because
it's not a destination, it'smore of a journey.
I'm going to have the wound,but if it's capped over, at
least I can continue and I canprogress.
I think that there are somethings that you need to work
through, that I want to be herefor you, but I don't think I'm a
professional.
I can't fix it.
I can't.
(24:18):
I can support you.
There are things that you needto work through to for us to
progress and get to a placewhere we're both happy and not
have to take it out on eachother and explain that there are
avenues to do it in a way wherehe's comfortable and he should
be okay with that.
It sounds a little ignorant tome when someone says I don't
want to tell somebody mybusiness.
I'm not even sure what the hellthat means.
Who are you talking to Pick itback?
Speaker 4 (24:39):
on what you said.
I think you're correct, but Ithink there's a hot button for
everything right?
Myself, I didn't even know Ihad trauma because I didn't
think my dad, I didn't think mydad loved me at all, Just being
a culture.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
Wow yeah.
Speaker 4 (24:50):
I will tell you the biggest whooping that I got.
It's crazy and I rememberbecause when I was in school I
was kind of smart.
It was me and this one girl.
If she doesn't get first place.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
I get first place back and forth and I want to go
ahead and explain this to peoplewho are not Haitian, and I
talked about this on anotherpodcast.
In Haiti, they rank the kids inschool.
So there are 30 kids in school.
The person with the highestcumulative average is going to
be number one and number two,and number three and number four
, and so you know who the bestin class is and who the worst in
(25:27):
class, and your parents know aswell.
So when you go home with areport card and you're number 29
out of 30, they don't even careif everybody got A's.
You know, hypothetically youcould have a class where
everyone's done well, but thisguy's a genius, he's going to
beat me.
He's going to do A+++.
Speaker 4 (25:48):
I was going from primary school to secondary
school and my dad told me Iunderstand you and Cecil that
was the girl who was taking onewhen I didn't take it she was
like, well, you better be numberone.
I'm like okay, well, I got toget on it right.
Bam, I was number one.
Got home happy, showed my dadmy report card First time I see
(26:09):
this guy smile in a long timeand he was like go away from me.
My mom was happy.
I think it was.
She think I was going to get agift, a son, whatever man my dad
pulled up in there.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
Whooped you, whooped me.
You were number one, number one, he smiled.
Speaker 4 (26:25):
My mom pulled.
It was like why.
It was like he's got to realizewhat it would be like if he
wasn't number one.
Oh, my God, he wanted to showyou what it would be like,
because he already made up hismind.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
That he was going to whoop your ass, so he doesn't
want to miss the opportunity.
Speaker 4 (26:44):
It wouldn't feel good for him.
That is beyond abuse.
So just to tell you, I havetrauma.
Yeah, so, and that's when Iwent to therapy, because I
realized every time I had tomake a call to Haiti.
If I hear this guy voice in thebackground, I tremble.
I was in my 30s.
I couldn't speak to my dad onthe phone yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:05):
And he's in a whole different country.
Speaker 4 (27:06):
Oh, that's a dude that I love, and I know he loves
me because of what he does forus, but when it comes to stuff
like that'm like man.
I question it.
So I had to go to therapy, uh,but I had to be really led to
that right, because I didn'tknow what therapy was broken,
hating none of.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
Well, you know what it is, but that's right.
Traditionally it's notsomething we do, we're tough,
and if we do it we're wusses.
Speaker 4 (27:32):
So yeah it was my wife, because every time I would
be on the phone she was'rewusses.
So, yeah, it was my wife,because every time I would be on
the phone she was like that wasyour dad, right?
It was like yeah, you.
She was like you only spoke tohim for 30 seconds, but you
speak to your sisters and cousinlike.
And I broke down and told herI'm like this, I just can't my
body tense up, yeah.
Yeah, and she was like you knowwhat you have to work through,
(27:56):
that you could speak to peopleyou know, because I understand
it's trauma.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Yeah a lot.
Speaker 4 (28:02):
And then I had to go through that.
Now I feel free.
Yeah, I could speak about it.
But also I have something in methat I regret, because when my
dad passed on before I madepeace, so now I'm like, wow, I
could have, I could have been ina better place with my dad if I
knew about therapy before that,because I was holding onto all
(28:23):
that trauma I didn't know how torelease.
So I would tell that personplease find a way, choose your
words wisely and make sure it'scoming from a place of love.
Find a hot button to realizemaybe the smallest trauma,
something he doesn't reallythink that's important, maybe
that's what you use.
Be like, hey, you know, like meit was the whooping, which is
(28:44):
something that's a regular in myculture.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (28:47):
You know what I mean, but that's what my wife used.
She was like, hey, it wasn'tyour fault and it wasn't your
dad's fault either.
That's the culture.
That's just that's what theyknow.
Maybe that's what he wentthrough.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
And then he never got help for it.
I talked about this, too,before I talked about the fact
that my dad had a lot ofchallenges, you know.
So, yeah, I heard that.
Speaker 4 (29:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
So the shit that I dealt with was pretty crazy, but
he dealt with some crazy shithimself and that shit is
generational.
And so, to answer this youngwoman, man, we, you have to find
that place, like you said, findthe hot button and maybe you
don't know what the hot buttonis, but you know there's
something there absolutely, andjust get him to understand that
you care enough about him, tosay this to him and, and
hopefully he'll take heed and gofor it.
(29:29):
Men, in general, we've beenthrough some shit.
We deal with it, everyone hasbut the problem is that we've
always been trained to not emoteright, we've always been
trained to just kind of keep theshit and bottle it and be a
certain way or whatever.
You got to be strong, we justneed to be human, and we're not
always allowed to be human, sothere needs to be a place where
you need to unpack that, yes,and that often is going to be
(29:50):
best served when you see aprofessional.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
There's two different situations, right, you can tell
a person that they need therapyand they're mature enough to
not need it.
Or you can tell a person theyneed therapy and they're too
narcissistic to not need it.
Because narcissism, which getsvery falsely categorized, is
more so the outweighing of theiropinion versus the truth.
Right, it's like saying, okay,well, that's blue, but I think
(30:13):
it's green, so it has to begreen for everybody.
That's narcissism.
So when a girl would tell you,hey, you need therapy, but
you're mature enough to haveworked through your problems
with therapeutic ways, talkingto your friends, playing a game,
going to the golf course,that's you being mature enough
to address the trauma or thetherapy needs yourself on your
own time.
Because oftentimes a therapistcan be who, what, why, when I'm
(30:36):
paid by the hour, not by thesolution.
So now you're sitting there onthe fifth session with the same
problem, because I'm blessed tohave great friends.
I've only had one coach in mylife and this coach great dude,
amazing dude he had a sessionwith me that he just DM'd me,
said I want to do it for free.
I get on the call with him,we're talking for an hour and I
mean he tells me the suppliesthat I need was pen and paper,
(30:58):
water and tissues.
And I did not cry becauseinstead we got to the end of the
call and he said you don't needme, which I respected even more
because the therapist is goingto say you always need me.
This was a difference in him.
He said you don't need mebecause if you had my coaching
and my inner work that I do, youwould be adding a sixth Rolex
to the collection of five.
It's nice, but you don't needit because you're systematic,
(31:20):
you're based on goodprincipalities to where, if I
come in and try to give youjudgment without knowing your
life plan and alignment, I maythrow you off of that and that's
not ordained from that point.
That's my plan, not your planand God's plan.
So having those good people iswhat caused me to be in a
situation of like if a womantried to explain the importance
of therapy to me.
Why do I need to tell astranger when I've already told
my friend or I've already talkedto myself, or I've already been
(31:42):
through the Bible and figuredout a verse that connect with me
and convicted me to overcomethat problem or that mountain?
Because the big thing is, somepeople do need it.
Some people have serious trauma.
Ptsd is the highest example ofthat, because people's body
tenses up when they encountersomething.
That's what needs to beaddressed.
And if a man denies that it'snarcissism because he's like,
nah, I don't need it, well, hisopinion's overriding the truth
(32:03):
of whenever that conversationhappens, even across countries,
he tenses up.
That's narcissism.
But for me I was like, oh, mytrauma's my dad.
Every time I'm with him I'mlaughing, loving, training,
doing all these good things, butI just don't see him, besides a
couple of times a year.
That's self-imposed.
You should be able to achievethe maturity to work through
that.
So I think there's two differentsides to her question.
Right, it's the man inquestioning, as far as who
(32:25):
you're even suggesting thetherapy to.
But then also it's how you'regoing about it.
Is there even a high button totouch?
Because if not, maybe you'reprojecting your own insecurity.
Like what if a woman came up tome and said, or came up to me
and was like you need therapybecause you're too controlling,
but she thinks I'm controllingbecause she tries to go out to
the clubs with her friends everysingle weekend and wear a
little mini skirt and I'm likeI'm not going to take you
serious.
You go out with that.
(32:46):
The door's locked when you'recontrolling.
Now you're too opinionated.
I'm like no, I'mprinciple-based.
I know my reputation is myrepetition and if my girl is
repetitively out looking forattention, that's not my girl,
you're not the person I'mlooking for, but you need
therapy.
Speaker 3 (33:04):
You didn't tell me you brought that to the table
Right.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
Hey now.
Speaker 3 (33:10):
You knew she brought it to the table because that's
what you're attracted to.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
That's what she showed up as Absolutely.
That's it, and that's anexternal thing, that she's
bringing to the table.
External appearance Like that's, so big it's the internal
things where you can see therespect, which is what I value
more than anything, Like therespect, the peace, the
avoidance of problems.
All that good stuff, Because inreality, life, this one guys.
(33:41):
But how do I raise my childrenwithout traumatizing them?
Speaker 3 (33:42):
while still healing myself.
I can start by all means.
So, as I told you, my dad wasan old school guy and, like I
said, he shows up in me some wayevery day and I laugh at it,
right?
So one of his biggest things,and I can tell I think I had
this conversation with youbefore, but the first time I
heard my dad tell me he wasproud of me was May 21st 1995.
(34:04):
You know why I can rememberthat exact date.
You may need therapy.
You remember that.
That's crazy.
The reason why I remember thatexact date is that's the day
that I graduated from college.
Wow, that was the first time Iever heard him tell me he was
proud of me.
What that did for me was itmade me tell my daughter that
(34:25):
I'm proud of her.
Now, not for everything.
Going back to background, mymom was a teacher, got her
master's, did all her doctoralwork straight A student in
everything.
She did my dad engineerstraight A student, right, that
wasn't me, I'll just say that.
So I understood the perspectiveof where they come from, where
(34:45):
it was.
I'm not going to praise you forbeing average or for doing
what's expected, because now itbecomes.
When I do praise you it doesn'tmean anything because you've
been.
You know little.
Jimmy always gets the ribbonjust because he participated.
That's not the household I grewup in.
That's not the household mydaughter grows up in.
(35:06):
No, you have to show me theexceptionalism, because other
than that, you won't know thedifference between average and
exceptional.
Because of that, I have found amedium to where I let her know
how proud of her I am.
I let her know I think you'rebeautiful.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
Again, justin, I hope you'll be honest.
Here was how do I raise mychildren?
Speaker 1 (35:27):
without traumatizing them, while still healing myself
.
Speaker 3 (35:30):
So if I had to say so , where I was going with that,
it was if I had to to say mytrauma was my trauma was that I
never knew or felt like my dadwas proud of me, like I always
had to do exceptionally well inorder to get that right, in
order to get, yeah, in order tokind of get that validation
right, because I had gotten to apoint in life where I told you
(35:51):
know my parents, I mean well, Itold myself I don't give a fuck
what these two think, as long asI'm happy, that's all that
matters.
And I did that young because itwas like oh, you got an A.
I mean, you should have got anA plus.
Oh, you got a, you got a B.
It should have been an A.
And so it was like well, damnokay, I'm doing the best I can,
and if it's not good enough fory'all, okay, cool, because y'all
ain't gonna drive me crazy andI don't know where.
That was just an internal thingwithin me that I learned early.
(36:14):
They're like fuck it, you don'tknow where the bar is, right,
yeah?
So it's like okay, I'm happy.
So as long as I'm happy with it, that's all that I care about.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
You're going to create trauma, no matter what
you do.
To a degree yes, to a degreeright, it's not necessarily
trauma, right, because it'slevels to it.
But what you have to try to dois pull out the best out of them
, because there's so much goodin them, and pull out the best
out of them and try to minimizethe bad, because it's good and
(36:43):
bad in all of us.
Awareness matters.
So if you're looking at it andsaying, well, this is kind of
what you said, leon, this iswhat happened with my life and I
see my own father in me.
So therefore I'm going toadjust to raise my kids a
certain way, and it keepsgetting better and better and
better.
But the first thing wasawareness and you noticed it and
you realize certain things.
I've mentioned this before,where I learned how to raise my
(37:04):
kids by watching my dad andlearning what not to do.
So that kind of helped me inthat way.
So there's no manual right forparenting.
But I will say one thing isdamn, wait, sometimes.
Wait.
I just think that a lot of youngpeople are too eager to I don't
hear.
I want to get myself together.
I want to get myself right.
I want to fix things that arewrong with my life.
(37:26):
I want to make sure I'm on theright path.
Then I want to date, to getmarried, and then I'd like to
start a family.
What I hear often from youngpeople, especially young women,
is I want to have a baby and I'mlike, well, that's that's.
You're about to start traumaright there because your plans
are backwards.
Right, but if you already havethe child and you already have
(37:47):
you know you're, you're a youngwoman, you have, you have kids.
Here's one thing you canabsolutely do Be careful who you
bring around your kids.
So if you're going to startdating man, you got to be really
, really careful.
You got a young daughter.
You're going to bring some menaround that child.
You need to be careful because atrauma is something that you
could be inviting into your ownhome.
So you have to discern whatmatters more to you.
(38:11):
Is it the fun?
Is it you need thatcompanionship, or is it taking
care of that kid and protectingthat child?
So be really, really carefulwith that.
Bring someone around your kid,but take your time to do it.
Make sure you understand, makesure you've gone through.
As you said, delva, you knowall of their representatives and
you can never, never, never,really, truly, truly know a
person.
Right, because God knows whathappens when they're, when they
(38:39):
are in the elevator bythemselves.
Right, because we all do thatlittle dance and no one's ever
seen it, right.
So you need to make sure youhave done everything you
possibly can and then when youbring that person around your
child for the first time, forthe second and third time
they're obviously never alone,but you bring them together.
You need to be watching withoutwatching.
You need to be watching thethings that are not super
obvious.
You need to listen to thethings that are not being said.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
Kind of like what you said, like I learned what not
to do for my dad, but then alsoI like because I can't speak on
it, but I can speak on what I'veseen my father do, because he
came from like the harshest ofharsh, from Commerce City to
where it was a spam.
You're practicing football on abasketball court and you're
pulling down the oven to getsome, some heat, but like all of
(39:18):
his siblings, bad in jailtrying to stab each other with
spoons.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
Stupid like, not even stupid as a compliment ignorant
quite literally, but because ifyou don't know a spoonful, you
got bigger problems, right butbut this was the thing is like
he.
Speaker 1 (39:31):
He grew up so underprivileged that he tried to
overcompensate with theprivilege that he gave to us to
like as we're going up in themillion dollar home, he thinks
like that's it to where.
Like he would be obviously notthere for us and present for us.
I didn't understand the conceptof a provider that's obviously
not having his time back to giveto us but also, at the same
(39:53):
time, every time he was aroundor if I ever spoke about my dad,
he was Superman because he hadcome over.
He would be doing backflips offour diving board and going with
us in the lake and fishing orjust playing football with us in
the field.
But he also had some of thattrauma from his dad, who was in
the military, of just like hard,hard, hard.
So like the things that hewould always tell me he can't
(40:15):
just give me good, he would haveto give me good.
With the bad which I lovebecause it's a competitive
spirit in me and that's the firethat keeps me going is like
he'd be like, okay, you're doinggood, but then next week I'll
do something bad.
He'll be like I'll go send youback to that school and make you
look like a pretender and I'mlike, ooh, he got that fire in
me Because this is the numberone thing.
It's like the competitiveness.
Even my sophomore year we hadcome back from the bus.
(40:37):
We just lost our playoff game.
Everybody's going home emptyingtheir lockers.
I'm on the field with the DBcoach, backpedaling, working on
drills, and the field's muddybecause I just had it in me.
It's like the if factor.
He created that intentionally,but he also tried to do the
intentional stuff to not be likehis dad, because he didn't just
talk to me where I was at orwhere he was at.
He spoke to me where he wantedme to be, where he wanted
(40:58):
himself to be.
So, like for anybody that'strying to raise their children
without traumatizing them, whilethey're still healing from this
stuff, while they're stillstuck in the battle, it's like
speak as if you overcome it.
Speak as if you want thatperson to not go through the
same battle, because the inversebrings gratitude.
It's like if you suffer frombeing poor your whole life, well
, don't talk to your child andalways scare them with money
(41:18):
words or with moneyconversations.
It's like speak to the inverse.
That's going to bring thegratitude.
I always say that for everything, like if you're going from fat
to skinny, you feel good.
From poor to rich, you feelgood.
So if you're always traumatizedby this, speak about that and
watch how not only it makes thembetter, but it probably heals
you as well, because you'retaking the right actions.
Oh, hell, yeah.
Next one this is a good one, itsays.
(41:39):
As a young woman with not muchguidance or good role models of
the kind of woman I want to bearound, how do you advise I stay
feminine while doing the thingsI need to do to take care of me
?
Speaker 4 (41:49):
The first good thing I could see in her question is
that she realizes she needs achange.
Right, because maybe she has towork what she does, she has to
live what she lives.
She has to operate what shedoes.
If you know that it's not goodfor you when you leave there,
change your circle.
You know what I mean.
Whatever that is, it's theopposite of where you are right
(42:12):
now.
If they're not feminine enoughfor you, get counseled by
somebody you think is morefeminine, and not even when you
leave there.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
When you're there, when you're at university, you
got a bunch of feminine girls.
You got a bunch of relationshiptherapists like just yeah,
that's very true that's verytrue.
Speaker 2 (42:26):
There's a lot of women on on, you know, on social
media, that actually justpreach that.
So if that's something thatyou'd like to emulate, just
listen to them, because I'veheard a few of them and very
impressed and I'm just like,yeah, that's the kind of woman
that you know a masculine manwould want you don't have to
wait till you change cities orchange environments to change
the product.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
You have all these tools and resources utilize your
resourcefulness.
Speaker 2 (42:47):
I'm gonna say one more thing about that.
You know, as a woman beingaround and you don't have role
models.
Here's something that Iactually taught this way back
when I had a sales team and Igave each one of my sales guys
an assignment and I told them togo out and find a mentor, right
?
And they were like well, why doI find one?
You know, do I have to pay forit?
And you'd be surprised, right?
(43:12):
Well, it all depends on theenvironment.
So what they did is they allgot a LinkedIn.
They all had like 500, 600connections because that's what
they call them on LinkedIn.
These are all professionals,right?
No one's on there doing alittle trendy dance, no one's
doing stupid shit on there,right, it's all a professional
environment.
It's not fun, but that's whyit's LinkedIn, right, so it's
kind of boring, but Right soit's kind of boring.
(43:36):
But if you go on there, youfind other people that are at
least from your perspective.
They are already where you'retrying to go.
If you reach out to some ofthese people, all these guys, by
the way, ended up finding amentor for life.
They ended up connecting withsomeone.
All they did was you know, leon, tell me how you would react,
right, if you received a messagefrom a young man and you're
super busy and I'm not sure ifyou have the time for this.
Maybe you're one of 10 peoplethey sent this message to.
Hey, I've checked out yourprofile.
You're very impressive.
(43:57):
I like what you've accomplished.
Maybe mention something inparticular that they had an
award, that they had won aspeech, they had given a keynote
, they had done whatever it maybe, and they mentioned it.
So these women should be doingthat.
Reach out to that person andjust say I was wondering if you
would have maybe 10 minutes aweek where we can have a
conversation.
I'd like to learn from you andsee if this is something they're
(44:17):
willing to do.
I will tell you, a lot ofpeople will find that to be.
I could find 10 minutes a weekto talk to a young person who
gives me a call.
So if a woman is on LinkedIn andshe's kind of doing her thing
and she's killing it, then youyoung ladies are looking and
you're seeing that person andsaying, hey, let me reach out to
her, let me send her a message,see if I can ask.
And now you can discuss goals,you can discuss big picture.
(44:40):
It's not going to get supergranular, but you can talk about
certain things that will bevery beneficial for you.
You can tell this person yourgoal and then next Wednesday
because you talk each Wednesdayfor 10 minutes she's going to
hold you accountable.
Do you know how hard you'regoing to work to make sure you
don't disappoint this person, tomake sure you're there so you
can find mentors?
If you're really looking forone, it doesn't have to be your
(45:02):
auntie or your mom or anyone inyour environment.
You know where you need to begoing.
Find that person.
Speaker 1 (45:07):
I was going to say make sure you want to swap lives
with them.
Like that's the end, all be allis like, if you're going to
take advice, not with a grain ofsalt, but put your life on that
, like you're going to be like,hey, I'm going to listen to what
you say and actually apply it,correct, test it.
It's like, okay, well, if I dowhat you did, am I happy if I
became you?
Am I happy if I had yourrelationship?
There you go.
That's the biggest thing whenyou're picking the seeds that
(45:28):
you're going to put in your soilis what type of garden do they
actually grow?
There you go.
Speaker 3 (45:32):
Yeah, I mean it's different for this generation
than ours because of the adventof social media, where I mean I
don't like the term followers,but if you're going to follow
somebody, follow somebodypositive, right.
Follow somebody that followssomebody that is living the life
that you want to live For sure.
That you know is living thelife that you want to live, for
sure.
So I mean, that's what I'vealways been told is that you
(45:53):
know, if you don't have the rolemodels around you or in your
circle that you want to be like,then you need to broaden your
circle, correct?
Speaker 2 (45:59):
so change circles also go change them all together
.
Speaker 3 (46:02):
So if I'm this young lady you know and you're into
social media and then startfollowing the feminine
characters that you know youwant to, that have
characteristics that you want toincorporate, awesome To close
it out.
Speaker 4 (46:15):
I would say just also be careful to that young lady,
because the word feminine in themodern woman era it's taboo
right.
So if you want to be feminine,just know what comes with that,
because being feminine, that'sjust because you're going to
wear a dress as opposed to apair of jeans.
Okay, it's more than that.
(46:37):
Okay, I'm not saying you'regoing to be a traditional woman,
but being feminine means you'resoft, you're agreeable, you
listen and we listen to eachother.
But you understand, when yourespect your man, you speak with
a different tone than youspeaking with your friends.
It's being feminine.
I don't know if they reallyunderstand what they're asking.
(47:00):
Being feminine, it's not hard,but it's different than what it
is, what it used to be, probablylike 40, 50 years ago, than
what it is now, and I will tellyou, like the women, that I know
a lot of them, most of them, infact.
Speaker 2 (47:15):
they want to be feminine.
We just have to create a spacefor them to be feminine.
So that's our job to do so.
But the women, as youunderstand to your point, they
need to understand what that isand what it means.
Right, you don't always have tojust be that person.
And here's the thing.
It has nothing to do withweakness, because the women that
I know who are feminine,including my wife.
She is the strongest person Iknow, absolutely she is the
(47:35):
strongest, literally thestrongest person that I know.
It has nothing to do withphysicality.
It has nothing to do withanything other than the fact
that this is someone who hasfortitude, she has intellect,
she has a strong mindset, andyet she's feminine.
Speaker 4 (47:47):
Be strong minded, not hard headed there you go there,
you go.
Speaker 1 (47:51):
Like you said, it's not hard but it's not easy.
Speaker 2 (47:54):
Thank you so much for joining us this week.
We appreciate you for sendingit in your questions.
I want to definitely thank myguests.
They were both insightful,informative and if you feel that
this has helped you in any way,do me a favor right now.
Stop what you're doing, pauseand go ahead and hit that follow
(48:16):
button for me.
Also, share the episode with atleast one of your friends that
you feel this would help as well.
Keep in mind this is a threepart series, so this was only
part one.
We'll come back soon with parttwo and three.
We look forward to you joiningus again.
Manhood matters, baby.
We out you.
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