March 10, 2025 • 54 mins
Finding the elusive balance between career aspirations, family responsibilities, and personal well-being remains one of modern manhood's greatest challenges. In this thought-provoking conversation, we explore whether true "balance" even exists or if life naturally flows through seasons that require different priorities.
We dive into the powerful jar analogy - where golf balls represent your most crucial priorities (family, children, close relationships), pebbles symbolize career and ambitions, and sand fills in as everything else. The lesson becomes crystal clear: if you don't put the golf balls in first, you'll never fit them in later. This metaphor beautifully illustrates why so many men struggle when they prioritize work above all else, only to discover what they've lost along the way.
The discussion takes a particularly meaningful turn when we explore how to maintain important relationships while pursuing success. Rather than assuming what your loved ones need from you, we recommend a simple but profound approach: ask them directly what being "present" means to them. Each person in your life values different forms of connection - some need quality time, others need small, consistent check-ins. By tailoring your approach to each relationship, you create more meaningful connections without burning yourself out.
We don't shy away from the tough realities of maintaining friendships as adult men, handling toxic workplace relationships, and finding small windows for self-care when life feels overwhelming. Through it all, one message remains constant - intentionality is everything. Whether it's scheduling ten minutes for a workout before dawn or planning regular check-ins with friends, the calendar becomes your most powerful tool for creating the life you actually want rather than simply reacting to whatever comes your way.
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Host: StéphaneAlexandre
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
It was a 10-day expedition in the wilderness
with no cell coverage.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
But I don't know what I can disconnect for 10 days.
Speaker 3 (00:08):
I think you could.
Here's why.
One you're moose hunting right,so your biggest worry is am I
about to get impaled by a?
Speaker 2 (00:16):
10-foot tall moose.
Don't fuck around, Jesse.
You don't have time to worryabout other shit.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
You have to make sure you don't die right, because
while you're hunting the moose,there's other big shit hunting
that moose too, like there'sgrizzlies.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Yeah, like you're not worried about like, let me
check my facebook page.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
No, you might die no, I wouldn't worry about that.
It's not social media, it's thebeing connected, like you said,
for 24 hours, fellas.
Let's be real.
You're out here grinding,building your career, trying to
take care of the family, butsomehow you're supposed to hit
the gym, have a social life andstill get a full night's sleep.
Yeah right, in thisconversation we're going to talk
(00:58):
about money, moves,relationships, balancing it all
from fatherhood to mental healthrooms, relationships, balancing
it all from fatherhood tomental health.
We're going to unpack as muchof it as possible with a little
humor and some hard truth.
And this is real talk.
You won't get anywhere else.
Ladies, a lot of you carry thisweight on your own, so pull up
press play.
Welcome to Manhood Matters.
(01:19):
Let's get right to it.
(01:41):
Hey, what's up everyone?
I am your host.
Speaker 3 (01:43):
Stefan and I'm Jabari returning champion.
That's right, that's right.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Let's get right into it, man.
I'm finding that it's almostimpossible to really balance
things and maybe it's just me,you know, work-life balance,
career relationships and italmost feels like the real
formula is that there areseasons for certain things and
there are seasons in whichyou'll need to prioritize
(02:10):
certain things, and then itstarts to kind of balance out.
But you can't.
If you're trying to make it, ifyou're trying to provide, if
you're trying to be a man, ifyou're trying to do all these
things, I don't really see how.
You know, maybe you can help meout, because I don't see it.
You know, I kind of feel likeright now I'm like ultra, ultra
(02:32):
focused on success and thisbusiness and I'm trying to get
off the ground.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
Well, I think it depends on what where you're
trying to get to, right, Becausenot everybody wants to be a
millionaire, right, If your, ifyour, I made it moment is I have
a job.
I get paid every two weeks.
It handles all my bills.
I'm putting a little bit of my401k.
(02:58):
So, with my 401k and my socialsecurity, by the time I'm 63 and
a half or whatever the new ageis, I'm going to be okay.
Right?
Those people, as far as youknow, hustling and grinding like
they're not really hustling andgrinding because they know,
with the formula that they'vestarted with, I'm going to start
working at, whether it's 19fresh out of high school or 22
(03:21):
fresh out of college.
They know that I'm going to putin my 40 years and by the end
of my 40 years I'm going to haveX amount of dollars and I'm
going to live a modest life.
Because, you know, not everyonelives in LA, Miami, New York.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
I mean hell, we're here in Georgia, but yeah.
But I mean Property taxes arestill pretty crazy, you know.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
They are.
But if you have a $250,000house and you live in a rural
area, I mean, do you really need, you know, $1.3 million in the
bank?
To live out the rest of yourlife.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
You're right.
I guess it's measured, you know, differently for each person,
correct?
It's funny.
I have this, uh, this rep Iused to um, I called him, I
called him into my office oneday and and I say to him I'm
looking at his run rates as faras what he's going to do for the
year and I can kind of justfigure out how much money he's
(04:12):
going to earn.
And this dude was on track toearn 37K for the year, right,
and this was 2011.
So you know, I'm talking to thisguy.
I'm like hey, man, you know,the minimum that all the reps
here should earn is about 60Kand that's just if you're doing
the bare minimum.
If you just show up and barelydo your job, skate by, you're
(04:35):
going to make 60K.
But if you do anything else,you know anything extra, you go
above and beyond.
Obviously you hit six figuresand more, but you're on track to
make 37K.
Him beyond obviously you hitsix figures and more, but you're
on track to make 37K.
And I thought that wouldmotivate him to say hey, dude,
you know like, come on, step up,what are you doing?
And he actually said to me sothat shit kind of backfired
because he said oh, really.
(04:58):
So I was like yeah, yeah, reallyhe goes well.
You know, stefan, it'sno-transcript.
(05:32):
This guy was early twenties,I'm going to say 23, 24.
Speaker 3 (05:36):
So no kids.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Yeah, Just him and his girlfriend at the time and
they were about to get married.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
And I'm not sure if he had kids he would have made a
but that was his season at thatmoment, because when I was 22,
if I was making 37k a year, backin man, I'm old 24 years ago,
like that's my point though thiswas fine back then yeah, but
that's my point.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
This is 2011, it's not that long ago, yeah, 37k
yeah, I could have made it.
Speaker 3 (06:00):
I mean splitting rent with somebody.
My my due was probably paid offmortgage or paid off mortgage
or paid off mortgage, right.
So what real bills do you haveat three grand a month?
I mean food, entertainmentmoney, cell phone bill, other
minor stuff.
He's not going to three grandif he's responsible with his
money right and if hisgirlfriend's working too.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Sounds like he was too.
Speaker 3 (06:18):
And if his girlfriend's working too she's
probably raining.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
They're killing it and I don't mean to shit on that
, but it's just crazy to mebecause I, you know, I don't
want to be that, that squirrelthat's just hoarding and
hoarding and hoarding.
But I want to be in a situationI think jim rohn says it best
he goes I want to build an armoraround my family.
That is impenetrable, afinancial armor around my family
(06:43):
that is impenetrable, afinancial armor around my family
that is impenetrable.
And that's where I'm trying toget to.
I definitely don't have timefor myself.
So how do you?
How do you handle that rightnow?
How are you dealing with that?
Or is that the same for you?
Speaker 3 (06:53):
It was the same for me.
I want to say back in 2020, Igot so COVID happened, I got
released from enterprise fleetmanagement.
That means fired.
Yeah, yeah, thank you for thatRelease.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
That's great, that's great.
No thanks.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
It's fine they released you and 10 other
thousand people.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Right, it was.
Yeah, it was like it was likefive figures worth of people.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Speaker 3 (07:22):
Um, so then I I went into roof, went into roofing,
and it was the company and thegentleman that hired me the
branch manager that hired me atEnterprise was now working at
this roofing company.
He was like, hey, I want tobring you in.
It was 100% commission, whichI'd never done before.
But he's like look, if yougrind this out, you become a
general manager, and once you'rea general manager, then and
(07:42):
once you're a general managerthen you get the banker's hours
right.
You'll be working that nine totwo, nine to three.
And I was like, oh, that soundsgreat.
I'll grind for a year, year anda half, and then life will be
good.
So then I did Grind it for ayear and a half and right when I
started the job in 2020, wejust had our third child, so we
(08:02):
had four-year-old, two-year-old,newborn.
And then I grinded for a yearand a half and then I got
promoted to general manager andI was thinking that I'm going to
have these amazing hours makingall this great money.
But I had to keep grindingbecause now I had all these new
people that didn't know whatthey were doing.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
So I had to keep working the same be in the
office at 10 o'clock really 9.30, and then I'm getting done at
10, 11, 12 o'clock at night.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
Yeah, and that's not even counting your commute, this
is just 12 hours in the office,yeah, and then in-home
presentations, right.
So I'm still working the samehours and my wife's like, look,
you're making good money, butlike you have a two-year-old
that you've never really seen,because you're working monday
through friday, sometimes onsaturdays, and even when you are
home you're still on your phoneanswering calls because your
people need you to help themclose a deal.
(08:47):
So she's like I didn't sign upto be a single mom, so we got to
figure this out.
So then I ended up leaving thatjob and then taking another job
, and then that ended up gettingto where I am today, where now
I own my own business, which nowallows me the hours are a lot
(09:09):
better.
Right, I probably get startedaround nine, 30, probably get
done around three, four o'clock,and when I'm done, I'm done.
Right, right, um, I am in thebuilding phase.
So there is that you know theuncertainty and it's like, ah,
you know, I gotta make sure themoney's still coming in so I can
pay these bills.
But as, now that it's, I'mgetting to the point where
(09:29):
everything's progressing muchfaster.
Um, I will be in a positionwhere it's like the work life
balance is like it's there nowso you're close yeah, but I'll
be, but I'll be also financiallycomfortable yeah because it's
yeah, it's great to have thesehours, but it's not great to
have these hours and not bebringing any money.
Exactly Right.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Exactly.
Speaker 3 (09:50):
So it's the struggle on the way there.
The reason why I had to make achange was like it's like, why
am I making money?
Making money to take care of myfamily.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
But if you're making money to take care of your
family and you're not seeingyour family, then is the money
really worth it, and I guess myargument I don't disagree with
that, obviously right, but Iguess my, my argument is I can't
do both at the same time.
So my struggle is I'm going tohave to pick one and do it balls
to the wall and just go super,super hard Right, that's what
she said.
And do that, for I'm givingmyself a time limit so that I
(10:33):
can enjoy the things and thetime later.
And I know sometimes you know Ican already hear it People
going, yeah, you could do allthat and die before you get
there and never have the timewith your family that you know
um or do all that and then loseyour family on the way to doing
all that.
And now you've made a lot ofmoney by yourself and I'm
rolling the dice, I'm rollingthe dice, I, I, I'm.
(10:56):
I'm not too worried because, inthat sense, I am beyond blessed
to have the wife that I have,um, and the love and the support
that she's shown me.
Honestly, sometimes I don'tfeel I deserve.
So I kind of feel like I'mreally, really blessed in that
way.
I'm not ignoring signs, I'm not, you know, not, we're talking,
we're communicating, but there'sa plan.
I think the secret here issecret sauce is to have that
(11:18):
conversation and just to say,okay, well, here's the plan,
here's the goal, here's what I'mgoing to be doing for the next
three, four years, here's whatI'm attempting to do.
And sometimes the conversations, kind of like your wife had
with you, she said, no, I didn'tsign up for that, we're not
doing that.
But that's kind of where I amright now.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
I think that the smart thing is that you were
communicated.
You were communicated but youwere specific and you were
intentional with yourcommunication, meaning you told
her your wife.
I'm giving myself X amount oftime.
This doesn't happen within Xamount of time.
We got to figure something elseout I think a lot of people
fall into the trap of it'll justchange.
(11:57):
I'm just going to keep doingthis and it'll just change.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
It's not going to change by itself.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
No, that's the thing, that's the thing.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
So, you know, we really want to be clear here,
because that's the thing is,some people give themselves a
time still and they say, well,at this age, this will happen,
that will happen, and none of ithappens unless you make it
happen.
So there has to be a goal, ithas to be planned, and maybe you
kind of reverse engineer the100% so you don't fall in the
(12:23):
same.
You know traps Exactly.
You remember this thing.
I don't know if you've everseen this.
Oh, that's what I was lookingfor a second ago the story of
the jar with the golf balls, thesand, yeah, and the pebbles oh,
you shake it up no, so what itis?
basically you have thisprofessor and he has this jar
and he has all this sand on thetable.
(12:43):
He has all these golf balls andhe has a bunch of pebbles and
he goes go ahead and put those.
You can make everything fitinto the jar.
Oh, and he has some water aswell.
Okay, right.
So a lot of students come upand he has several of these
experiments set up.
Students come up and they putwater in first, jars full and
(13:05):
try to put anything else.
Nothing happens.
And they keep trying this untilhe shows them the way to do it
right.
First, you put the golf balls inand he says the golf balls are
the things that matter the most.
That's family friends, yourchildren, people like that.
Right, those are the golf balls, the things that matter the
most.
That's family friends, yourchildren, people like that.
Right, those are the golf balls, the things that matter the
most in your life.
If you put them in and youfocus on them, everything else
falls in place.
(13:26):
Then he takes the pebbles and heputs them in.
Of course they start goingthrough, you know, around the
golf balls and he puts all ofthem in there and he goes.
This is career, this isambition, this is goals,
businesses, right.
And then he takes the sand andit's just like this is
everything else that matters toyou Right To each person is
going to be different.
(13:46):
And somehow the sand again,because they're so tiny, right,
all granularity all fall throughand it fits in the crack and
they all go in there.
And finally he takes a bottle ofwater and he pours it in Right,
he, and he pours it in right,he goes.
This is all of the unimportantstuff, like the stuff that you
could do without.
But if you want to fit it in,there's still room for it.
But if you do it the other wayaround, you're going to screw
(14:07):
yourself and the things thatmatter will totally fall out.
That makes sense.
It's a great adage.
And if you just kind of foreach person, they think about
what that is and they go okay,think about what that is and you
go, okay, what matters to methe most, right, what are my
golf balls, what is my sand,what are my pebbles?
And then you prioritize them inthat way.
Speaker 3 (14:24):
So it sounds like you're focusing on the golf
balls.
Now right, but what are youmaking time for the pebbles and
the sand and the water?
I?
Speaker 1 (14:33):
am, and that's the struggle.
It's a mental struggle and forme it's kicking my ass.
I'm not gonna lie to you, dude.
You know there's no sleep,there's nothing.
It's a struggle.
Um, I don't know that I havethe answer.
This is not me saying that Ihave the answer.
It means this is me saying I'mstruggling with it big time.
Speaker 3 (14:50):
I think what and you see this with, I guess, ultra
successful people like theycarve out time literally on
their calendar for likeentertainment or relaxation.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
So to the next point then, right, you know, having a
crazy busy schedule, findingtime for self-care, whether it's
time for a round of golf, timeto go get a massage, even just
time to go to the gym and hitthe sauna for like 10 minutes
when you're done.
Speaker 3 (15:14):
I think what needs to happen is, when you've been
doing sales for a very long time, the shift goes from being all
excited about getting a sale toI'm going to be upset if I don't
get the sale Like you don'teven get excited when you get a
sale anymore.
You're like, yeah, I'm supposedto get the sale I need to get
the next sale.
You need the next sale, right,you have to kind of take
yourself back to being excited,to like the small wins, because
(15:35):
they don't feel like big winsanymore.
So at least make them some typeof win.
And if I get X amount of thesesmall wins, I'm going to do X,
I'm going to do Y.
So if I close three deals, I amgoing to go see a movie or I'm
going to play a round of golf orI'm going to take my wife on a
date.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
That's good.
Speaker 3 (15:50):
Like you, just you have to.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
So celebrate.
Give yourself tiny well, nottiny, but give yourself
attainable milestones that youcan hit and reward yourself when
you do.
I should also mention here that, because when we talk about
sales, they misinterpret that.
Let me put it this wayEveryone's in sales 100%
Everyone's selling something.
Yeah, the guy who cuts yourgrass, he's in sales.
(16:13):
He's in sales, he's got to sellthat business.
He's got to knock on your doorand say, well, you got to reach
out to him, and maybe youreached out to three other
people.
Why did you pick this guy?
So a lot of people don'tunderstand that they are in
sales.
Right, if you have anything foryourself.
Right, you're selling clotheson the web.
Whatever you're doing, you'reselling a product or a service,
so this applies to just abouteveryone.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
Yeah, and it can apply to even if you still don't
consider yourself in sales.
If you have something that youdo at work that needs to be
completed, say, the next time Icomplete X amount of these
whether it's three, four, five,whatever that number is when I
complete these amount of thingsand they're done well and I get
the recognition that I washoping to get, I am then going
to reward myself with a spa day.
(16:58):
How do you manage stress andavoiding burnout?
I mean, it sounds like you'renot doing your very best right
now?
Speaker 1 (17:03):
Yeah, I'm not.
I'm not managing stress at all.
What do you?
What I used to do is I used togo to the gym a lot and I would
work out and that would help me.
And I haven't found the time todo it.
I don't even know what theexcuse is because, again, as we
mentioned on the previousepisode, I have a gym at home,
so I could do that If I had togo for a run.
(17:24):
I have plenty of space down mystreet.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
You got like a thousand acres out here.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
So I could do that.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
What time do you start your day?
Speaker 1 (17:32):
I'm usually out of here by seven, so I'm waking up
at six.
I'm waking up at six, six.
I'm waking up at six.
No breakfast, just waking up atsix straight to shower, getting
prepped a couple of minutes ofprayer and meditation, and then
I'm gone, I'm heading out.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
You can literally wake up at five 50 and get a 10
minute workout in your home gym.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:51):
Cause that's what I started doing last week.
I was just like I'm paying forthis gym membership that I'm not
getting.
But you know what?
I have two dumbbells here thatI in my closet, pull them out,
get a 10, 15 minute workout inand then start my day.
Now I'm not doing that everyday, I'm not going to sit here
and lie about it, but I did doit two to three times last week
and my goal is to just if I canget to every morning just
(18:13):
committing 10 minutes of my time, like for me that'll work and
for my body type that will work.
But more importantly, forsomeone like yourself where you
need that outlet, like you evenhave a punching bag in there,
just hit the bag for like five,10 minutes.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (18:26):
Like, and that's a stress reliever.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
Yeah, yeah, I can tape somebody's face on it A
hundred percent.
I was listening to a podcastagain from another friend of
mine and he has what he does.
He committed this year to doinga hundred burpees a day.
Speaker 3 (18:41):
Takes him 10 minutes, 10 minutes.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Yeah, he said 10 to 12 minutes takes him because he
doesn't do a hundred onceStraight out.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
He'll just, I guess you know, do 20 and maybe do
five sets of 20 or four sets of25, whatever he needs to do.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
I guess, if you did 10 a minute, yeah, that makes
sense.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
How do you prioritize ?
We've already talked aboutfamily, but friends, you know,
obviously we talk about familyand career, but is there, is
there a room for that in yourlife right now?
Speaker 3 (19:07):
I talked to him a couple of times a year, right?
Speaker 2 (19:09):
It's it's yeah, because none of them live here.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (19:13):
Right?
So, like the people that I grewup with, I grew up in LA and
we're in Atlanta, right, that Igrew up with I grew up in LA and
we're in Atlanta, right?
So half of them are not even inLA anymore, right?
So my my bestest, bestestfriend he lives in Tampa Bay
over in Florida, so I think Imessaged him, like last week,
because I saw that he started abusiness on LinkedIn and I just
said congrats, that's not, youdidn't even type that shit up.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
There's a button.
You're lazy ass.
Oh, you care so much.
Speaker 3 (19:42):
I changed the name, so he knew that I, you know.
I edited the auto response.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
Yeah, you added his name to congrats.
That's funny.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
But I mean, yeah, man , it's like he knows that I love
him.
I don't need to constantly.
Maybe this is a guy thing, Idon't know, I don't need to, I
don't need to constantly.
Maybe this is a guy thing, Idon't know, I don't need to.
I don't need to constantlycommunicate with him for him to
know that I care about him andhis family.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
If he's ever in Georgia, like he knows, he has a
place to stay.
If I'm ever in Tampa Bay, Iknow that I have a place to stay
.
Wifey and I were having a verymorbid conversation the other
day about death and we'retalking about funerals and who
would come and things like that,and it's kind of like a big
(20:30):
show and these are people whoshow up and she put in air
quotes to pay their respects andthe reason they're doing that
is because there's a guilt,because they never got to show
enough love while you were here.
So now they're feeling bad andit's mostly for them.
Obviously, you're not hereanymore, you're gone.
So it doesn't matter to you.
Maybe it makes the family feela bit better that, oh my God, he
was really loved.
Look at this person.
But then, the same token,they're like we haven't seen you
(20:51):
at all.
Do we even know you?
Because we don't.
We do a better job at makingtime for that and showing that
person love once, every twoweeks, once a month, once, once,
how you know, just enough tosay, hey, I'm thinking about you
(21:14):
, hope you're doing.
Well, here's a text's a call.
If that person goes and youdon't get to spend enough time
with them because of, you know,geographical reasons, you know
we all live all over the country, all over the world, but at
least you were there because wewere all able to communicate.
We were a phone call away.
So is that?
I feel that way, I feel likeshe's totally right and I'm just
(21:34):
like, yeah, I just have to do abetter job at doing that.
I have a handful of friends Imean I know a lot of people but
I have a handful of friends thatI know mean a whole lot to me
and I love those guys.
Right, and I've made myselfthis promise after this
conversation to say, hey, I'vegot to, like you said earlier,
put it on my calendar on aSaturday morning.
On a Saturday morning, I have alist of 10 people every other
(22:01):
Saturday that I reach out to sayhey, how's everything going,
and some of them you'll end uphaving a conversation with for
longer than maybe you evenwanted to, cause we're all busy,
um, but I think that shitmatters a lot more than we met.
I think we're missing out,because this is a life we have
and this is a time that we havetogether.
Speaker 3 (22:15):
I think it's.
I think it's tough becauseyou're probably like me where
you can, wherever you go, you'regoing to make a lot of friends.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
Yeah, I'll walk up to anybody and talk to them.
Speaker 3 (22:22):
Yeah.
So then what ends up happeningis it's like yeah, you have
maybe like your, your like yourride or die top five that you've
known for decades.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
The guys you would go rob a bank with.
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:32):
But then you probably also have a hundred people that
would at least talk to youabout the bank heist.
You know what I mean, so it'slike you want to text those five
, but then you also have thathundred that are kind of like
you could call at any moment.
They'd want to hang out withyou.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
Well that's, that's narrowed down.
It's really not exaggerated.
Not that, at least for me it'snot.
You're right, I know a lot ofpeople.
You know a lot of people.
We make friends wherever we go,because I have no problem
walking up to someone andsparking a conversation, you
know.
But I'm going to say roughly 10to maybe 12 people that I need
to know.
(23:07):
They're okay, that basicallyit's 12 people I give a kidney
to Got it, so I only have two togive.
I only got one to give, becauseI need one.
Right, but you know, what I mean, like these are the people will
be on the list.
If we were a match, I'm givingit to them, the other a hundred
that I know.
I'm okay If we don't talk allthe time.
I'm okay If I find out with ohman, you know this person passed
(23:27):
or whatever, and I didn't evenget to go to the funeral.
I'm still okay.
I'm saddened for you.
You know my love goes out toyou and your family, but that,
that's pretty much it, you know.
Again, talking to it said to mywife she doesn't have a lot of
friends.
She's the opposite of what weare.
She's a total introvert, has,like I don't know, two and a
half friends.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
And I'm being generous.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
You know, and she was talking about one of her
friends when she said hey, Iwould be perfectly OK, I would
feel fine, I would not feelguilty if something happened to
this person, knowing that Ireach out, knowing that I show
this person my love.
When I think about those peoplethat matter to me, I want to be
in that position and say youknow, these people matter enough
and I let them know that theymatter frequently enough.
(24:08):
Now it works both ways.
If once a month, you hear fromme and I'm the one reaching out,
maybe I'll create the habitsand hopefully you know it's
reciprocal.
But if it's not, then okay,cool, I need to adjust that dial
a little bit and maybe I needto reach out to you a little bit
less, because you know it's not.
We know the feeling is notmutual, yeah, but I don't think
that's the case with anyone thatI that I hold in high regards,
(24:31):
people that I truly love.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
Well, if those 12 people are like you, then
they're probably going to thesame hustle and grind.
If they don't reciprocate, it'sprobably because they're just
caught up in trying to make it.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
I think, if we create the habit, though, I mean
people will be like because,dude, I'd be heartbroken.
Speaker 3 (24:45):
They'll just play for you.
They'll be like I don't need todo it because he's going to
reach out.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Nah, dude, listen, regardless of how busy I am, if
you checking out on me the nexttime I see your, your, your
number, pop up on my screen I'llbe embarrassed.
And again, these are the peoplethat you truly love and you
care about, and they care aboutyou just the same.
Speaker 3 (25:07):
Do you your 12 friends, your top 12, right?
I'm assuming they were all inyour your MySpace top 12, but uh
, what, what yeah I?
Speaker 1 (25:19):
brought that back.
I was like wait, whatMySpacespace?
We got kids on this show, right?
Speaker 3 (25:20):
I'm like they're like myspace myspace, what's that?
Like facebook, black planet.
Yeah, you know where you sharedyour napster.
But uh, yeah, do they all knoweach other?
Many of them do, yes, so whydon't you try?
Why don't you plan an annualtrip?
Speaker 1 (25:34):
that's dope.
Speaker 3 (25:35):
They don't all know each other, but uh but if they,
but if they all went together ona trip, no one would like try
to fight the other person.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
Oh yeah, no, these dudes are all awesome.
Speaker 3 (25:43):
Yeah, just an annual trip.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
There's one nigga I'm thinking of that.
I leave him out of the group.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
I mean 11 is close enough.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
There's one dude, but that would be dope.
That would be dope.
Speaker 3 (26:03):
See, what you do is you start a group thread where
you talk about the trip right,hey, we're gonna do this trip
and you're always just textingabout the ship now, whether the
trip happens or not, what endsup happening is now you're all
talking because I have a.
I have a group thread where, uh, one of my best friends from
college, we did a bourbon trip.
We went to uh what's thebourbon trip?
Was it louisville kentucky?
Oh, yeah, yeah you know whereyou can like see all the the
bourbon.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
I don't say factories , distilleries yeah, yeah and so
he created a thread and, by theway, if you ever do it again,
make sure you go to unclenearest, because it's black
owned and it's dope as hell.
Speaker 3 (26:26):
But go ahead we'll go um, but we did that trip
pre-covid and we're still alltexting in that same thread.
Not only are we texting in thatthread, we also have a facebook
messenger for the thread, eventhough there hasn't been another
trip.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
I just, I literally just said yesterday in the
thread.
Speaker 3 (26:38):
We'll also have a Facebook messenger for the
thread.
Even though there hasn't beenanother trip, I just I literally
just said yesterday in thethread we have to do another
trip every year, we have to doanother trip.
And someone goes, yeah, we'regoing to do another trip, and
then we don't do the damn trip,but we're always talking.
Because then it's like oh, didyou see the game?
Oh, did you see this?
Oh, you see what Trump saidtoday?
There's always a reason why,between all of the I don't know
(26:59):
10 people that are in groups,someone's going to say something
yeah, even if it's just a postabout a new bourbon that they
got, they're always in, they'realways in the thread.
And so, yeah, just yesterday Isaid, hey, man, like we need to
stop talking about doing thetrip, we need to actually start
planning the trip, so we'll seewhat happens.
So that's what I'm saying foryou.
If you just put all your,they're all going that even the
ones that don't know each other,they're going to find
commonalities where they'regoing to start to get to know
(27:20):
each other through the thread.
So maybe the trip doesn'thappen as fast as you'd like it
to, but as soon as everyonestarts understanding that like,
oh, I could hang out witheverybody here.
Yeah, then someone is going totake the reins and make the trip
happen I got a friend of mine.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
Um, he's more than a friend.
I mean, that's the thing too.
Like, out out of these 12 dudes, these guys are brothers, right
, like they are my brothers,like I love these guys to death.
But one of them, his name isReggie.
I don't know how many years ago,but when we went to his wedding
, I remember another friend.
He was saying bro, I live inLouisiana.
At the time I was living inTennessee.
He was like you live inTennessee, reggie's in New York,
(27:55):
so-and-so is somewhere else.
And it was just like all of usall over the country, right, a
couple of people were out of thecountry and they were all there
and he said Reggie is the glue.
He said Reggie's the glue.
He said that he was like bro,how we all come together for
this dude he's the glue becausehe stays in touch with everyone.
He does.
He's one of those guys who doesgo out of his way.
(28:16):
He'll make that phone call belike hey, I just check in on you
, whatever.
And in fact it's weird becausehe still he leaves voicemails.
You know a voicemail, what isit?
Yeah, you know what I'm sayingBecause whenever, like, I don't
leave a voicemail, I don't checkit because I see that I'll call
(28:39):
you back.
I don't need to go listen to 30seconds that I don't have.
Waste my time listen to you say, hey, bro, it's me, you don't
call me back, I don't tell you.
Sometimes I get annoyed.
I'm like why the hell you leavea voicemail for and I gotta go
delete this shit withoutlistening to it.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
It's funny just read the text on the in the in your
iphone.
I don't even bother man, I justlike I see a message.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
the little that notification annoys me, so I got
to go and delete it because Idon't like to see that
notification.
Speaker 3 (29:02):
No red dots on your screen.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
No red dots on my screen, it's annoying.
You know.
So then I'm just like, cause itshows me that there's something
you got to do Something you gotto do Something, you got to do.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
That's what's up.
Yeah, it's reg, you know.
Hey, it's tony.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Hey, just yeah but he'll say things like I was just
thinking about you and makingsure you and the family, okay,
sending my love, blah, blah, andI'm like that little thing that
is a lost art.
Just the act of caring andshowing that you care in such a
minute way goes so such a longway.
I'll have fucked up days andI'll get that voicemail because
(29:46):
maybe I don't feel like talking.
When he pick, when he calls,right I won't answer, but later
on I'll listen to it and thenit'll shift my mood into someone
cares, the people who count onyou wife, children they care too
, but you can't go to them withyour troubles.
Yeah, not all the time.
Yeah, you have tocompartmentalize the shit, right
(30:06):
, and just so to know someonereaches out, and so he's one of
those.
Actually, I never thought aboutuntil just now, but he's one of
those people who actually doesthat and and there's a reason
people stay in touch with I do Ihave friends that I went to
high school with.
We Reggie and I didn't go tothe same high school and he
knows those guys because we livein the same neighborhood.
They are my friends, but Idon't stay in touch with them
(30:28):
anymore.
We haven't talked in 25, 30years and he'll be like, hey,
remember that guy, you fought inhigh school that one time.
And I'm like, yeah, I think so.
He's like yeah, yeah.
And he's like yeah, yeah, we'rejust hanging out with him,
whatever.
I'm like that's crazy how youstay in touch with people.
Yeah, exactly.
First of all, I won that fight,so you know what?
Speaker 2 (30:49):
do you say about the fight though?
Yeah, what do you say about thefight?
Yeah, we have a rematch.
I'm sure he's out of shape now.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
How do we protect our space?
So setting boundaries for our,yeah, just protecting our
personal time Turn off yourphone Next question.
That's a good one.
Speaker 3 (31:08):
Think about it right, because most of the time when
you're losing your time oryou're losing your space, it's
probably because either someoneruns into you which is very rare
or they're calling you on thephone or they're texting you.
If you just put your phone down, if you didn't pick up your
phone for 24 hours, like on a Iwould lose my fucking mind.
But how?
But how much time would youhave?
Speaker 1 (31:24):
I would have a lot of time You'd have a lot of time,
my wife would figure out what todo with that time I would have.
You're right, the peace thatwould come with that will be
amazing.
However, the worry and theanxiety that I would have for
the first few hours I waslistening to, um, I was having a
conversation with a friend whowent moose hunting cool white
(31:46):
boy shit.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
I'm dying to go but they were fuck that guy they
were.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
He says too many n-words and people just go.
Oh yeah, he's not racist, buthe went moose hunting with a
couple of friends and it was a10 day expedition in the
wilderness with no cell coverage.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:14):
But I don't know what I can disconnect for 10 days.
Speaker 3 (32:17):
I think you could.
Here's why.
One you're moose hunting, right, so your biggest worry is am I
about to get impaled by a 10foot tall moose?
Speaker 2 (32:24):
don't fuck around.
You don't have time to worryabout other shit, you have to
make sure you don't die right,because while you're, hunting
the moose.
There's other big shit huntingthat moose too, like there's
grizzlies yeah, like you're notworried about, like, let me
check my facebook page.
No, you might die.
Speaker 1 (32:43):
No, I wouldn't worry about that.
It's not social media, it's thebeing connected, Like you said,
for 24 hours.
You know, on a Saturday I can'tbe off grid 10 days, maybe not
10 days right.
Speaker 3 (32:54):
But, if you're gone for three or four days, I'm
telling you One, it's going tobe cold as shit.
So all you're going to bethinking shit you gotta do first
, you gotta go.
All you gotta go rambo style,first of all moose.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
Oh, we're not where it's hot, so never mind, you're
gonna be up damn near the polars, right, right.
Speaker 3 (33:16):
so like, yeah, it's gonna be cold as shit, right, so
you'd be worried about that too.
You're trying to go killsomething, so you don't want to
mess that up.
Three, there's other thingsaround there that will kill you,
yeah, so you got to worry aboutthat.
Like there's a lot of thingsyou need to worry about before
worrying about, you know, amissed call.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
Dude, I would love so much and I hope people listen
to this they can figure it out,because I need to figure it out.
You know I'm not speaking likeI have the answers.
I'm looking for the answers.
Speaker 3 (33:43):
You can make the time .
Speaker 1 (33:45):
Yeah, I got to figure it out.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
Once again, you go to your calendar and you put in on
this day for this time I'mdoing this shit.
Yeah Right, there's nosurprises because it's on the
calendar.
If you need to tell yourbusiness partners, hey, I'm
going to be out of town in thefuture, on this day for this
time, don't call me.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
People respect that.
Speaker 3 (34:01):
Yeah, I'm not going to call you Right, because I'm
sure there's nothinglife-changing as far as work is
concerned that's going to happenbetween those hours, that they
can't talk to you before thosehours or after those hours.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
Gotcha, Do you ever think about having the perfect
day?
Forget three or four days Likethis is my day.
This is everything I'm going todo in this day, Cause it's
crazy, Cause something as simpleas that I fantasize about.
You know, some people have wildfantasies.
I just have fantasies aboutgive me two days where I'm home,
I'm not going anywhere, but Ijust need the perfect day that
(34:33):
starts with prayer, meditation.
It starts with working out,going to the gym, having brunch,
going to get a nice massage,playing around the golf, having
more food, you know, catching upon a show that I like, watching
some, you know, and just it'swhatever.
Right Self-care.
Speaker 3 (34:47):
You could literally do that.
Speaker 1 (34:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
On your calendar.
I'm going to wake up and I'mgoing to do this.
Here's the secret sauce.
Speaker 1 (34:56):
It's called a calendar.
Speaker 2 (34:57):
I don't know if you've heard of this thing.
Speaker 1 (34:59):
Yeah, it's called a calendar.
You got to put it on there.
Speaker 3 (35:08):
What you do is you literally plan your shit out,
right yeah, and then you do theshit that you have planned out.
Plan the shit, do the shit yousay you're going to do.
But I mean, obviously it'seasier said than done, right
yeah, like there are going to bewild cards, you know, there are
going to be audibles that youneed to call when shit just
happens that you have to takecare of.
But that is so rare, right?
We've been sitting here for Idon't know how much time, and
I'm guarantee you like nothinghas happened in this time that
you were like, oh my God, we gotto stop because my kid's arm
(35:30):
fell off.
You can make it happen, it'sjust you have to get out of your
own way.
Speaker 2 (35:34):
Very true.
Speaker 3 (35:36):
Obviously, we all have relationships with the
people that we we love, and wealso have relationships with
people that we care not to bearound but we have to, whether
it be work or family right.
How do you balance their impacton you?
Because there's some peoplethat you don't want to talk to,
that you don't, you have nochoice.
Speaker 1 (35:53):
You have to talk to them and they're and they're not
good Like we've been in asituation together, working
together, where there wassomeone there that we would have
loved to not talk to RightRight, but unfortunately that
nice person didn't have theirshit together and that trickled
down on us, affecting our mentalhealth, because that was a
definite toxic yeah that was theworst and it was right around
(36:15):
the time that my father had diedand I had the worst time
dealing with that and balancingwork and being around a dude who
didn't give two shit and, infact, using that tragedy to some
kind of way, make it allgimmicky.
Like hey, why don't you justtell all of the reps what's
happening with you personallyand publicize it?
(36:36):
to try to get some kind of totry and get some kind of better
bond with them or whatever,never mind the way I want to
grieve and mourn or anythinglike that.
It was so pathetic.
Yeah, I've dealt with that shitand you're right.
And I couldn't say in thatenvironment, and we're not there
anymore.
So I don't know that I have.
There's this meme that I saw,you know, one time, where it
(36:57):
says black people got one reasonwhy they're always leaving a
job, and that reason is they hadme fucked up.
It seems to be the commonreason why did?
Why'd you quit that job?
Why'd you got fired?
They had me fucked up, you know, and so I don't.
I don't stay in thoseenvironments.
I think there's enoughchallenge, you know, with the
world.
(37:17):
So I don't have a knee jerkreaction, but I plan my exit.
The second you say some shit oryou act a certain way and I go.
Oh, I can't be here anymore.
In my head, I'm already gone,I've already made my transition.
Oh, I'm making it.
Speaker 3 (37:33):
I just don't tell you , I think for me, like with my
kids, I always want to make surethat I'm having a good time
with my kids.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
That you are.
Speaker 3 (37:40):
Yep, like when they see me, it's playtime.
Speaker 2 (37:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (37:47):
It.
They see me, it's playtime.
Yeah right, it doesn't matterif my back is spasming, it
doesn't matter if I have theworst day at work ever, like it
doesn't matter, because what Idon't want is for them to grow
up and be like oh, you know, mydad really didn't love me and
you know he never smiled and wenever had a good time yeah
that's why I'm sitting here intherapy, that's why I'm dancing
on this pole, because daddydidn't love me.
It's like no no, I'm not notplaying that game.
Yeah Right, it's like I can.
I can suck it up and put on asmiley face, no matter what's
(38:09):
happening.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
It's not fair to them .
It doesn't matter that you youknow, yeah, you went out and
work 14 hours, but when you comehome and they want to run down
the stairs and jump on the fifthstep and you better catch them.
Speaker 3 (38:21):
Yeah, it's just what it is.
Yep, a hundred percent Ahundred percent.
Um, now, I don't always extendthat same uh policy to my wife,
which is probably isn't fair.
My reasoning is it's like weare growing up, you know.
You know the bullshit we'regoing through right now.
Like you're growing up, um isthat fair?
Speaker 1 (38:37):
though it's not, it's not fair.
So how do you reconcile that,like, what are you doing about
that?
That's a great question, stefan.
Speaker 3 (38:50):
Sounds like a whole other podcast, because that's a,
that's a deep question.
You can't just like I need.
I need to take her out on adate to a nice dinner, have some
drinks, maybe do a show andjust show my appreciation yeah
but yeah it's.
It's tough because it's like Ican.
I can mask it and you know,just crunch the stress way down
deep and bury it and put on thesmiley face yeah and make sure
that you know I'm there for thekids.
Yeah, um, but then when it comesto my wife, I'm like well you
(39:11):
know you're an adult.
Like you get it like yeah, youknow what?
Speaker 2 (39:14):
we don't try, we're trying to do you know we're
trying to, we're grinding, we'rehustling.
It's not gonna be fun, but whenwe get there, everything will
be fun for everybody exactlythat's what you're trying to get
to exactly, exactly.
Speaker 3 (39:24):
So it's like I'm we're gonna get to this point
eventually.
I promise you that we will.
It's gonna suck now, right, butwhen we get to this point
eventually, like we're gonna begood, everyone's gonna be happy
yeah, and then.
But what happens is what diesalong the journey, and sometimes
it's not the kind of thing youcan revive this is true, which
is why I have to make sure thatyou know if I want to be in my
(39:45):
little poopy moods, I don't pushher away too much or I don't
say or do anything too stupidwhere it's like I can't come
back from that yeah, and sheknows me now I come home and she
asks me something and I'm quickwith my response, she's just
kind of like all right, I'm notdealing with this negro right
now, like yeah, and then I'mlike I'm gonna go start to go to
the bathroom.
You know, then you're just inthe bathroom for an hour playing
(40:07):
on your phone, trying todecompress from the day, right
so I'm not the only one who sitsin the bathroom for an hour.
Speaker 1 (40:13):
This is every dad this is all dads.
Speaker 2 (40:14):
All dads are in the bathroom for minimum two hours a
day if we didn't go in therewith our phone 20 minutes a day.
Speaker 1 (40:21):
Oh, yeah, I wouldn't do it to do myself.
Speaker 3 (40:24):
The other day bro, the other day I went in.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
I forgot my glasses, so I was there with my phone.
I'm like, fuck, I can see shit.
I'm trying to play this game.
I'm hitting the red blocks, butI meant to hit orange.
It was all fucked up, man, yeah, I was like damn it.
Speaker 3 (40:45):
And I wanted to call and be like babe you might need
to get a second pair just forthe bathroom.
Speaker 1 (40:50):
You know that would be a bad.
Speaker 3 (40:51):
I just leave it in there, just in case you need to
put that on your calendar to goget a second pair.
Speaker 1 (40:55):
That's funny.
Speaker 3 (40:58):
So I mean so yourself .
So how do you make that balance?
Speaker 1 (41:02):
Ooh, I think that's how we started off the
conversation.
I'm not doing a very good jobof it right now.
I don't know that I have thebalance.
I think that my mental healthis, you know, impacted by it.
I'm trying to do all I can.
I told my wife last night justhow much I appreciated her, and
what I really want to say isjust you know, I tell her, you
(41:23):
know, I just need to do a betterjob of it.
So here's what it is like.
There's actions and there'swords.
Right, Don't tell me, show meso.
Because I'm that way.
I'm trying to get to the pointwhere all I do is show it.
I still say it, but I want todo more showing it.
And sometimes, when I don'tfeel like I'm doing enough, then
I just shut down in a way whereI won't even speak.
(41:43):
Because then I just shut downin a way where I won't even
speak because I feel like, well,what's the point of me saying
something to you when I'm notable to back it up with action?
So, even if that's her lovelanguage, I recognize it as I'm
saying it.
I'm saying it right now.
That's, that's my problem.
You know she's it's you know,she's focused on you know, on on
us and keeping us together andjust holding us down and working
(42:05):
hard.
She's still doing everythingshe has to do.
And I'm in my head around andI'm making up these crazy
scenarios that don't necessarilytruly exist.
I'm sure there's some truth toit, but, yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm
struggling with saying the same.
I honestly.
I mean it's hard to think abouther and not get emotional
because of how much she does forme, the support, the love,
(42:28):
something that I've never had inmy entire life.
I had a friend of mine one timesay we were golfing and he lost
his wife to cancer, and he saysthat he goes my wife.
She loved me like my motherloved me.
Think about that, becausethere's no greater love.
Yeah, there's no person in thisworld.
Bro, if I, if I lost all myfunctions I know that without
(42:52):
shame my seven year old mom, shewould take care of me and
probably extend her life so Ican have a better quality of
life and thereby extending mylife.
If that, if you know what Imean and you don't control, if
that, if you know what I meanand you don't control, when you
die but you know what I meanLike her will to live would last
longer would last longer,because she has to take care of
(43:13):
this 50 year old who can't wipehis own ass, right?
So I say that to say that mywife loves me that way.
Now, I would never want to putthat kind of burden on her,
cause I'm just kind of who'slike nah, just let me go.
Speaker 2 (43:24):
Let me go, go ahead and pull the plug.
Speaker 1 (43:26):
I'm that guy, right?
Yeah, me too.
Don't want to put that onanybody whatsoever, but that's
how I feel, that she loves mebecause of what she shows me,
you know, at my weakest momentsin my week and this is what
every man needs man type of way,or do you have, you know, um,
some kind of skill, or it's justreally, for me, what I'm
(43:54):
looking for is what I alreadyhave, like what I was looking
for, and it's crazy.
I didn't know I was looking forit, but it's this crazy love
and it's crazy support to feelthat, man, you're made whole and
you're still a man.
Speaker 3 (44:04):
You're still this strong presence, even when you
feel like you're weakest youneed to uh set reminders in your
phone to say something nice,yeah, because there's the saying
the appreciation and thenshowing the appreciation if you
decrease one, then you have toincrease the other because it's
not for you, it's for someoneelse it's for her yeah,
(44:26):
priorities.
So when do you feel it's likeit's?
Should it be a a when majorlife thing happens, or should it
be when I hit this age?
Or should it be when somebodytells me to revive my parties?
That's a great question.
Speaker 1 (44:37):
So I think I think what should happen is younger
people from the age of 17 shouldreally give it some thought.
You don't have to have all theanswers, you don't have to know
hey, this is what I want to dowith my life, but you do need to
know.
This is where I want to be bythis point and how do I get
there.
And you have to think aboutwhat that avenue is.
The good thing about being thatage is there's probably 15
(44:59):
different roads that will takeyou to that same destination, so
you can figure out which oneyou want to take and just embark
on that journey, right, um?
So that's that's when theyreally should be thinking about
it, and the priorities willshift and change along the way.
But you need to behyper-focused on what that goal
is and not let anything get inthe way.
Say something does, yourpriorities will change.
(45:20):
So for me, it was the birth ofmy first child.
I wasn't prepared to have a kid.
You know.
That's really the truth be told.
I wanted to have kids.
I knew I love, I adore children.
I just wanted to have my ownkids An opinion which, by the
way, has changed ever since.
Now I'm like I'm older, I'mlike, yeah, if I had to do it
all over again, I probablywouldn't have children, because
(45:41):
A, the world is shit and theworld is shit.
Speaker 2 (45:47):
And B.
Speaker 1 (45:47):
I spent too much time worrying about them and it's
just like I can't even live,couldn't breathe because I was
thinking about somethinghappening to them and lose my
mind.
So why would I put?
You know, if I knew then what Iknow now, I wouldn't put myself
through it.
But back then I was like Iwanted a kid, I wanted a kid.
I didn't give it was a girl, aboy, I just wanted a kid.
Well, but I wasn't ready andthe person I and boom 26, my
daughter's born, my world had tochange.
I was focused entirely on music.
I was focused on making it andI was, you know, in clubs and in
(46:12):
studios all the time.
And I kept that up for a littlebit.
But immediately I got reallyserious.
That's when my sales careerreally started, because up to
then it was just like it'swhatever, I'll get whatever type
of job, but I'm really focusedon just my making music.
I just need enough just tobarely pay the bills and rent
out this one room.
I don't need a whole apartment,just let me stay in a room.
(46:33):
There's three guys sharing anapartment and I'm cool, um, but
my kid comes along and I'm like,yeah, this has to change, so I
get a real job, even though itwas sales.
But I got into a real company, Igot a real job and I was at 10
years and got promoted and wentup the ranks and it changed my
entire life and my trajectorywas different.
It's hard to have an accident,bro.
You know.
(46:53):
You don't just you know what Imean.
What I mean is like, like to me, like the most life changing
event could be death, could becertain things, but it's really
just the birth of a child,correct, and we approach this I
shouldn't say we, but I didapproach it that way and I know
too many young men and women whoapproach it as if it was
something they can't help, likeit just fucking happened.
(47:15):
It doesn't just happen.
It happens because you takecertain steps and certain
actions and you're irresponsiblein your approach.
I was, and that's how a lot ofpeople end up with children when
they themselves are stillgrowing.
They're kids themselves At 26,.
I will tell you with absolutecertainty I was a complete idiot
, but I still think that if youhave a solid foundation and a
(47:36):
solid roadmap, is anchored withvalues and character, you might
fumble here and there, but youdon't go backwards.
Speaker 3 (47:42):
So I think you need to write all of your immutable
plans in pencil right.
All of the.
This is what I'm gonna do, thisis where I'm gonna be, this is
how I'm gonna.
I'm gonna get there.
Write all that shit in pencilright because, like you just
said, when you were 24, you knowthis is it.
I'm gonna be this world famousmusician.
I'm gonna be killing it.
I'm gonna show my dad that I'mthe best thing since sliced
(48:03):
bread right ever picked up,whatever instrument it was.
Two years later, you got tobreak out that eraser.
It's not as a challenge.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
You got to feed that kid.
Speaker 3 (48:12):
You got to erase.
You got to erase and wipe itaway.
Cool, these are my new goals.
As long as you're movingforward, that's all that really
matters.
Speaker 1 (48:20):
So this was really helpful for me.
But I can't be the only onewho's struggling with this
balance thing.
Just this balance, thisbalancing act is tough man.
And I'm not saying that womenare not going through it,
obviously they are right.
They are going through itthemselves and they have their
own set of problems, andsometimes they're the same.
But for me, I feel like, as aman, it's like there's the extra
(48:41):
weight.
I'm not sure if it's an extra.
It's not fair to say that Iguess I don't extra weight.
I'm not sure if it's an extraweight.
It's not fair to say that Iguess I don't, for lack of a
better phrase.
I kind of feel like there's whatyou have to do, there's the
expectation, and then there'sthis imagined expectation that
we put on ourselves.
There's the societal pressures,there's all these different
things, and I don't thinkthere's enough grace for when we
(49:03):
fail At least I don't give itto myself, right?
So when there's failure andI've had plenty of failures when
I'm facing those, I'm hard onmyself in terms of, like what
this is that I'm doing, howcould I allow this to have
happened?
And all these crazy.
They serve zero purpose and Iknow this.
My higher self is sitting theregoing wait, wait, wait.
That's not the way to fix anyof that, but my ego, myself, my
(49:27):
personality, this person that Iam here living in this
experience, is not okay.
That balance is.
It's the toughest thing.
I have children and they're soindividualistic.
Each one of them is an entirelydifferent world.
There's not like I'm just goingto do this with my kids entire
(49:47):
different world.
There's not like I'm just goingto do this with my kids and I
find that I'm not doing enoughfor each of them and I'm not
giving them enough of my timeindividually.
And they all need it.
Definitely not doing enough formy wife, who's not needing it
but deserves it, and yet I stillhave to function and go, do all
these things and the balance is, to me, seems almost impossible
(50:09):
.
So what are some sustainableroutines that you would
recommend or that you'veimplemented yourself in your own
life?
Speaker 3 (50:17):
Um.
Speaker 1 (50:18):
so there's this great tool Um don't say fucking
calendar one more time.
Speaker 3 (50:23):
It's called a.
Uh.
It rhymes with, like coriander.
What kind of word?
What is it called?
It's like they used to write itin stone cauldron cauldron no
abacus sammy samsonite calendar.
Speaker 2 (50:38):
Calendar so is that all it is is?
Speaker 1 (50:43):
that really all.
It is just gonna writeeverything down that's that.
Speaker 3 (50:45):
That's a tool.
You have to know what to put inthe calendar, and what I mean
by that is one of the thingsthat you brought up was everyone
deserves my time.
What you need to do is talk toeach person and say I'd love to
be there for you.
What does that mean to you?
Right, because one of your kidsmight say, hey, it'd be really
nice if maybe, we grab lunchonce a week.
Someone else might say, hey,really nice If you could play a
(51:06):
game with me once a week, right?
Speaker 1 (51:08):
Yeah, everyone is different.
Speaker 3 (51:09):
For each one it's going to be different for each
person.
You can't just automaticallyassume that it's.
They all want to hang out withme because I'm the most amazing
dad in the whole world.
They all want.
Speaker 1 (51:16):
They all want to just be blessed with my presence
take my kids to TCBY and thattraumatized them because they
quickly learned that whenever Iwould take them to get no, they
quickly learned that whenever Iwould take them to get frozen
yogurt, it's because I wanted tohave a serious conversation
(51:36):
about something they werefucking up.
So now to this day, if I go,hey, you want to go to TCBY,
even though they're groundedlike no, no, thanks.
Speaker 2 (51:43):
We go to Cold Stone, we're not going to TCBY, though.
Speaker 3 (51:51):
There's something about that place.
You're gonna lecture us for twohours, I think, yeah.
So I think what you need to dois you need to talk to each one
of your kids and just say heylook, I'd love to be more
present.
What does that mean to you?
Like, what do you?
Speaker 1 (51:57):
I love that right, because you're so smart.
Speaker 3 (51:59):
Yeah, you just can't assume, just ask I don't think a
single one.
Speaker 1 (52:01):
I don't know.
I shouldn't say I don't think,I know.
Not a single one of my childrenis sitting around going.
I can't wait for dad to make it.
So they are all like doingtheir own thing and on their own
path and their own journey, andso that I'm really, really
blessed and I'm so proud of themfor that reason.
Speaker 3 (52:16):
I think you answered your own question.
Speaker 1 (52:17):
Yeah, I guess I did so.
Hey, man, this was a realimpactful conversation.
I think that this is this isone of those things that
obviously we we struggle with.
I know I did.
Uh, I am in some way, shape orform, you are to some degree, I
don't know that.
I know too many people who areresponsible for themselves and
others who are not dealing with.
(52:38):
You know being inadequate andjust not doing enough and and
struggling to even find time tofor themselves to decompress.
I understand why sometimes, whenwomen find that self-care day
and then they go do somethingthat may seem silly to us, like
whether you just go get apedicure, just sit there and
(52:58):
just allow yourself to bepampered for a little bit.
I need to figure something out.
You're right, Just using thecalendar and making time for it.
Figure out what that is.
I love.
I think it bears repeating.
It's so important what you justsaid.
Find out what that looks likefor each person, people that
matter to you, your children,your wife.
What does that look like?
(53:19):
How do you show up for them?
I think that is so crazycritical.
Brother, you are a gentlemanand a scholar.
I will say man.
Any final words?
Speaker 3 (53:28):
Let's go Get a calendar, get a calendar.
Speaker 1 (53:33):
Thanks for listening folks.
Be sure to follow us on allsocial medias at Manhood Matters
Podcast.
Let's get it.
Talk to you guys next week.
Speaker 3 (53:43):
Get a calendar, get a calendar.
Speaker 2 (53:44):
Listen to the podcast .
It in your calendar EveryMonday.
Listen to the podcast.
Get a calendar.
It was a 10-day expedition in the wilderness
with no cell coverage.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
But I don't know what I can disconnect for 10 days.
Speaker 3 (00:08):
I think you could.
Here's why.
One you're moose hunting right,so your biggest worry is am I
about to get impaled by a?
Speaker 2 (00:16):
10-foot tall moose.
Don't fuck around, Jesse.
You don't have time to worryabout other shit.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
You have to make sure you don't die right, because
while you're hunting the moose,there's other big shit hunting
that moose too, like there'sgrizzlies.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Yeah, like you're not worried about like, let me
check my facebook page.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
No, you might die no, I wouldn't worry about that.
It's not social media, it's thebeing connected, like you said,
for 24 hours, fellas.
Let's be real.
You're out here grinding,building your career, trying to
take care of the family, butsomehow you're supposed to hit
the gym, have a social life andstill get a full night's sleep.
Yeah right, in thisconversation we're going to talk
(00:58):
about money, moves,relationships, balancing it all
from fatherhood to mental healthrooms, relationships, balancing
it all from fatherhood tomental health.
We're going to unpack as muchof it as possible with a little
humor and some hard truth.
And this is real talk.
You won't get anywhere else.
Ladies, a lot of you carry thisweight on your own, so pull up
press play.
Welcome to Manhood Matters.
(01:19):
Let's get right to it.
(01:41):
Hey, what's up everyone?
I am your host.
Speaker 3 (01:43):
Stefan and I'm Jabari returning champion.
That's right, that's right.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Let's get right into it, man.
I'm finding that it's almostimpossible to really balance
things and maybe it's just me,you know, work-life balance,
career relationships and italmost feels like the real
formula is that there areseasons for certain things and
there are seasons in whichyou'll need to prioritize
(02:10):
certain things, and then itstarts to kind of balance out.
But you can't.
If you're trying to make it, ifyou're trying to provide, if
you're trying to be a man, ifyou're trying to do all these
things, I don't really see how.
You know, maybe you can help meout, because I don't see it.
You know, I kind of feel likeright now I'm like ultra, ultra
(02:32):
focused on success and thisbusiness and I'm trying to get
off the ground.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
Well, I think it depends on what where you're
trying to get to, right, Becausenot everybody wants to be a
millionaire, right, If your, ifyour, I made it moment is I have
a job.
I get paid every two weeks.
It handles all my bills.
I'm putting a little bit of my401k.
(02:58):
So, with my 401k and my socialsecurity, by the time I'm 63 and
a half or whatever the new ageis, I'm going to be okay.
Right?
Those people, as far as youknow, hustling and grinding like
they're not really hustling andgrinding because they know,
with the formula that they'vestarted with, I'm going to start
working at, whether it's 19fresh out of high school or 22
(03:21):
fresh out of college.
They know that I'm going to putin my 40 years and by the end
of my 40 years I'm going to haveX amount of dollars and I'm
going to live a modest life.
Because, you know, not everyonelives in LA, Miami, New York.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
I mean hell, we're here in Georgia, but yeah.
But I mean Property taxes arestill pretty crazy, you know.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
They are.
But if you have a $250,000house and you live in a rural
area, I mean, do you really need, you know, $1.3 million in the
bank?
To live out the rest of yourlife.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
You're right.
I guess it's measured, you know, differently for each person,
correct?
It's funny.
I have this, uh, this rep Iused to um, I called him, I
called him into my office oneday and and I say to him I'm
looking at his run rates as faras what he's going to do for the
year and I can kind of justfigure out how much money he's
(04:12):
going to earn.
And this dude was on track toearn 37K for the year, right,
and this was 2011.
So you know, I'm talking to thisguy.
I'm like hey, man, you know,the minimum that all the reps
here should earn is about 60Kand that's just if you're doing
the bare minimum.
If you just show up and barelydo your job, skate by, you're
(04:35):
going to make 60K.
But if you do anything else,you know anything extra, you go
above and beyond.
Obviously you hit six figuresand more, but you're on track to
make 37K.
Him beyond obviously you hitsix figures and more, but you're
on track to make 37K.
And I thought that wouldmotivate him to say hey, dude,
you know like, come on, step up,what are you doing?
And he actually said to me sothat shit kind of backfired
because he said oh, really.
(04:58):
So I was like yeah, yeah, reallyhe goes well.
You know, stefan, it'sno-transcript.
(05:32):
This guy was early twenties,I'm going to say 23, 24.
Speaker 3 (05:36):
So no kids.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Yeah, Just him and his girlfriend at the time and
they were about to get married.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
And I'm not sure if he had kids he would have made a
but that was his season at thatmoment, because when I was 22,
if I was making 37k a year, backin man, I'm old 24 years ago,
like that's my point though thiswas fine back then yeah, but
that's my point.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
This is 2011, it's not that long ago, yeah, 37k
yeah, I could have made it.
Speaker 3 (06:00):
I mean splitting rent with somebody.
My my due was probably paid offmortgage or paid off mortgage
or paid off mortgage, right.
So what real bills do you haveat three grand a month?
I mean food, entertainmentmoney, cell phone bill, other
minor stuff.
He's not going to three grandif he's responsible with his
money right and if hisgirlfriend's working too.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Sounds like he was too.
Speaker 3 (06:18):
And if his girlfriend's working too she's
probably raining.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
They're killing it and I don't mean to shit on that
, but it's just crazy to mebecause I, you know, I don't
want to be that, that squirrelthat's just hoarding and
hoarding and hoarding.
But I want to be in a situationI think jim rohn says it best
he goes I want to build an armoraround my family.
That is impenetrable, afinancial armor around my family
(06:43):
that is impenetrable, afinancial armor around my family
that is impenetrable.
And that's where I'm trying toget to.
I definitely don't have timefor myself.
So how do you?
How do you handle that rightnow?
How are you dealing with that?
Or is that the same for you?
Speaker 3 (06:53):
It was the same for me.
I want to say back in 2020, Igot so COVID happened, I got
released from enterprise fleetmanagement.
That means fired.
Yeah, yeah, thank you for thatRelease.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
That's great, that's great.
No thanks.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
It's fine they released you and 10 other
thousand people.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Right, it was.
Yeah, it was like it was likefive figures worth of people.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Speaker 3 (07:22):
Um, so then I I went into roof, went into roofing,
and it was the company and thegentleman that hired me the
branch manager that hired me atEnterprise was now working at
this roofing company.
He was like, hey, I want tobring you in.
It was 100% commission, whichI'd never done before.
But he's like look, if yougrind this out, you become a
general manager, and once you'rea general manager, then and
(07:42):
once you're a general managerthen you get the banker's hours
right.
You'll be working that nine totwo, nine to three.
And I was like, oh, that soundsgreat.
I'll grind for a year, year anda half, and then life will be
good.
So then I did Grind it for ayear and a half and right when I
started the job in 2020, wejust had our third child, so we
(08:02):
had four-year-old, two-year-old,newborn.
And then I grinded for a yearand a half and then I got
promoted to general manager andI was thinking that I'm going to
have these amazing hours makingall this great money.
But I had to keep grindingbecause now I had all these new
people that didn't know whatthey were doing.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
So I had to keep working the same be in the
office at 10 o'clock really 9.30, and then I'm getting done at
10, 11, 12 o'clock at night.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
Yeah, and that's not even counting your commute, this
is just 12 hours in the office,yeah, and then in-home
presentations, right.
So I'm still working the samehours and my wife's like, look,
you're making good money, butlike you have a two-year-old
that you've never really seen,because you're working monday
through friday, sometimes onsaturdays, and even when you are
home you're still on your phoneanswering calls because your
people need you to help themclose a deal.
(08:47):
So she's like I didn't sign upto be a single mom, so we got to
figure this out.
So then I ended up leaving thatjob and then taking another job
, and then that ended up gettingto where I am today, where now
I own my own business, which nowallows me the hours are a lot
(09:09):
better.
Right, I probably get startedaround nine, 30, probably get
done around three, four o'clock,and when I'm done, I'm done.
Right, right, um, I am in thebuilding phase.
So there is that you know theuncertainty and it's like, ah,
you know, I gotta make sure themoney's still coming in so I can
pay these bills.
But as, now that it's, I'mgetting to the point where
(09:29):
everything's progressing muchfaster.
Um, I will be in a positionwhere it's like the work life
balance is like it's there nowso you're close yeah, but I'll
be, but I'll be also financiallycomfortable yeah because it's
yeah, it's great to have thesehours, but it's not great to
have these hours and not bebringing any money.
Exactly Right.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Exactly.
Speaker 3 (09:50):
So it's the struggle on the way there.
The reason why I had to make achange was like it's like, why
am I making money?
Making money to take care of myfamily.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
But if you're making money to take care of your
family and you're not seeingyour family, then is the money
really worth it, and I guess myargument I don't disagree with
that, obviously right, but Iguess my, my argument is I can't
do both at the same time.
So my struggle is I'm going tohave to pick one and do it balls
to the wall and just go super,super hard Right, that's what
she said.
And do that, for I'm givingmyself a time limit so that I
(10:33):
can enjoy the things and thetime later.
And I know sometimes you know Ican already hear it People
going, yeah, you could do allthat and die before you get
there and never have the timewith your family that you know
um or do all that and then loseyour family on the way to doing
all that.
And now you've made a lot ofmoney by yourself and I'm
rolling the dice, I'm rollingthe dice, I, I, I'm.
(10:56):
I'm not too worried because, inthat sense, I am beyond blessed
to have the wife that I have,um, and the love and the support
that she's shown me.
Honestly, sometimes I don'tfeel I deserve.
So I kind of feel like I'mreally, really blessed in that
way.
I'm not ignoring signs, I'm not, you know, not, we're talking,
we're communicating, but there'sa plan.
I think the secret here issecret sauce is to have that
(11:18):
conversation and just to say,okay, well, here's the plan,
here's the goal, here's what I'mgoing to be doing for the next
three, four years, here's whatI'm attempting to do.
And sometimes the conversations, kind of like your wife had
with you, she said, no, I didn'tsign up for that, we're not
doing that.
But that's kind of where I amright now.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
I think that the smart thing is that you were
communicated.
You were communicated but youwere specific and you were
intentional with yourcommunication, meaning you told
her your wife.
I'm giving myself X amount oftime.
This doesn't happen within Xamount of time.
We got to figure something elseout I think a lot of people
fall into the trap of it'll justchange.
(11:57):
I'm just going to keep doingthis and it'll just change.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
It's not going to change by itself.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
No, that's the thing, that's the thing.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
So, you know, we really want to be clear here,
because that's the thing is,some people give themselves a
time still and they say, well,at this age, this will happen,
that will happen, and none of ithappens unless you make it
happen.
So there has to be a goal, ithas to be planned, and maybe you
kind of reverse engineer the100% so you don't fall in the
(12:23):
same.
You know traps Exactly.
You remember this thing.
I don't know if you've everseen this.
Oh, that's what I was lookingfor a second ago the story of
the jar with the golf balls, thesand, yeah, and the pebbles oh,
you shake it up no, so what itis?
basically you have thisprofessor and he has this jar
and he has all this sand on thetable.
(12:43):
He has all these golf balls andhe has a bunch of pebbles and
he goes go ahead and put those.
You can make everything fitinto the jar.
Oh, and he has some water aswell.
Okay, right.
So a lot of students come upand he has several of these
experiments set up.
Students come up and they putwater in first, jars full and
(13:05):
try to put anything else.
Nothing happens.
And they keep trying this untilhe shows them the way to do it
right.
First, you put the golf balls inand he says the golf balls are
the things that matter the most.
That's family friends, yourchildren, people like that.
Right, those are the golf balls, the things that matter the
most.
That's family friends, yourchildren, people like that.
Right, those are the golf balls, the things that matter the
most in your life.
If you put them in and youfocus on them, everything else
falls in place.
(13:26):
Then he takes the pebbles and heputs them in.
Of course they start goingthrough, you know, around the
golf balls and he puts all ofthem in there and he goes.
This is career, this isambition, this is goals,
businesses, right.
And then he takes the sand andit's just like this is
everything else that matters toyou Right To each person is
going to be different.
(13:46):
And somehow the sand again,because they're so tiny, right,
all granularity all fall throughand it fits in the crack and
they all go in there.
And finally he takes a bottle ofwater and he pours it in Right,
he, and he pours it in right,he goes.
This is all of the unimportantstuff, like the stuff that you
could do without.
But if you want to fit it in,there's still room for it.
But if you do it the other wayaround, you're going to screw
(14:07):
yourself and the things thatmatter will totally fall out.
That makes sense.
It's a great adage.
And if you just kind of foreach person, they think about
what that is and they go okay,think about what that is and you
go, okay, what matters to methe most, right, what are my
golf balls, what is my sand,what are my pebbles?
And then you prioritize them inthat way.
Speaker 3 (14:24):
So it sounds like you're focusing on the golf
balls.
Now right, but what are youmaking time for the pebbles and
the sand and the water?
I?
Speaker 1 (14:33):
am, and that's the struggle.
It's a mental struggle and forme it's kicking my ass.
I'm not gonna lie to you, dude.
You know there's no sleep,there's nothing.
It's a struggle.
Um, I don't know that I havethe answer.
This is not me saying that Ihave the answer.
It means this is me saying I'mstruggling with it big time.
Speaker 3 (14:50):
I think what and you see this with, I guess, ultra
successful people like theycarve out time literally on
their calendar for likeentertainment or relaxation.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
So to the next point then, right, you know, having a
crazy busy schedule, findingtime for self-care, whether it's
time for a round of golf, timeto go get a massage, even just
time to go to the gym and hitthe sauna for like 10 minutes
when you're done.
Speaker 3 (15:14):
I think what needs to happen is, when you've been
doing sales for a very long time, the shift goes from being all
excited about getting a sale toI'm going to be upset if I don't
get the sale Like you don'teven get excited when you get a
sale anymore.
You're like, yeah, I'm supposedto get the sale I need to get
the next sale.
You need the next sale, right,you have to kind of take
yourself back to being excited,to like the small wins, because
(15:35):
they don't feel like big winsanymore.
So at least make them some typeof win.
And if I get X amount of thesesmall wins, I'm going to do X,
I'm going to do Y.
So if I close three deals, I amgoing to go see a movie or I'm
going to play a round of golf orI'm going to take my wife on a
date.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
That's good.
Speaker 3 (15:50):
Like you, just you have to.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
So celebrate.
Give yourself tiny well, nottiny, but give yourself
attainable milestones that youcan hit and reward yourself when
you do.
I should also mention here that, because when we talk about
sales, they misinterpret that.
Let me put it this wayEveryone's in sales 100%
Everyone's selling something.
Yeah, the guy who cuts yourgrass, he's in sales.
(16:13):
He's in sales, he's got to sellthat business.
He's got to knock on your doorand say, well, you got to reach
out to him, and maybe youreached out to three other
people.
Why did you pick this guy?
So a lot of people don'tunderstand that they are in
sales.
Right, if you have anything foryourself.
Right, you're selling clotheson the web.
Whatever you're doing, you'reselling a product or a service,
so this applies to just abouteveryone.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
Yeah, and it can apply to even if you still don't
consider yourself in sales.
If you have something that youdo at work that needs to be
completed, say, the next time Icomplete X amount of these
whether it's three, four, five,whatever that number is when I
complete these amount of thingsand they're done well and I get
the recognition that I washoping to get, I am then going
to reward myself with a spa day.
(16:58):
How do you manage stress andavoiding burnout?
I mean, it sounds like you'renot doing your very best right
now?
Speaker 1 (17:03):
Yeah, I'm not.
I'm not managing stress at all.
What do you?
What I used to do is I used togo to the gym a lot and I would
work out and that would help me.
And I haven't found the time todo it.
I don't even know what theexcuse is because, again, as we
mentioned on the previousepisode, I have a gym at home,
so I could do that If I had togo for a run.
(17:24):
I have plenty of space down mystreet.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
You got like a thousand acres out here.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
So I could do that.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
What time do you start your day?
Speaker 1 (17:32):
I'm usually out of here by seven, so I'm waking up
at six.
I'm waking up at six, six.
I'm waking up at six.
No breakfast, just waking up atsix straight to shower, getting
prepped a couple of minutes ofprayer and meditation, and then
I'm gone, I'm heading out.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
You can literally wake up at five 50 and get a 10
minute workout in your home gym.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:51):
Cause that's what I started doing last week.
I was just like I'm paying forthis gym membership that I'm not
getting.
But you know what?
I have two dumbbells here thatI in my closet, pull them out,
get a 10, 15 minute workout inand then start my day.
Now I'm not doing that everyday, I'm not going to sit here
and lie about it, but I did doit two to three times last week
and my goal is to just if I canget to every morning just
(18:13):
committing 10 minutes of my time, like for me that'll work and
for my body type that will work.
But more importantly, forsomeone like yourself where you
need that outlet, like you evenhave a punching bag in there,
just hit the bag for like five,10 minutes.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (18:26):
Like, and that's a stress reliever.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
Yeah, yeah, I can tape somebody's face on it A
hundred percent.
I was listening to a podcastagain from another friend of
mine and he has what he does.
He committed this year to doinga hundred burpees a day.
Speaker 3 (18:41):
Takes him 10 minutes, 10 minutes.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Yeah, he said 10 to 12 minutes takes him because he
doesn't do a hundred onceStraight out.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
He'll just, I guess you know, do 20 and maybe do
five sets of 20 or four sets of25, whatever he needs to do.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
I guess, if you did 10 a minute, yeah, that makes
sense.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
How do you prioritize ?
We've already talked aboutfamily, but friends, you know,
obviously we talk about familyand career, but is there, is
there a room for that in yourlife right now?
Speaker 3 (19:07):
I talked to him a couple of times a year, right?
Speaker 2 (19:09):
It's it's yeah, because none of them live here.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (19:13):
Right?
So, like the people that I grewup with, I grew up in LA and
we're in Atlanta, right, that Igrew up with I grew up in LA and
we're in Atlanta, right?
So half of them are not even inLA anymore, right?
So my my bestest, bestestfriend he lives in Tampa Bay
over in Florida, so I think Imessaged him, like last week,
because I saw that he started abusiness on LinkedIn and I just
said congrats, that's not, youdidn't even type that shit up.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
There's a button.
You're lazy ass.
Oh, you care so much.
Speaker 3 (19:42):
I changed the name, so he knew that I, you know.
I edited the auto response.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
Yeah, you added his name to congrats.
That's funny.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
But I mean, yeah, man , it's like he knows that I love
him.
I don't need to constantly.
Maybe this is a guy thing, Idon't know, I don't need to, I
don't need to constantly.
Maybe this is a guy thing, Idon't know, I don't need to.
I don't need to constantlycommunicate with him for him to
know that I care about him andhis family.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
If he's ever in Georgia, like he knows, he has a
place to stay.
If I'm ever in Tampa Bay, Iknow that I have a place to stay
.
Wifey and I were having a verymorbid conversation the other
day about death and we'retalking about funerals and who
would come and things like that,and it's kind of like a big
(20:30):
show and these are people whoshow up and she put in air
quotes to pay their respects andthe reason they're doing that
is because there's a guilt,because they never got to show
enough love while you were here.
So now they're feeling bad andit's mostly for them.
Obviously, you're not hereanymore, you're gone.
So it doesn't matter to you.
Maybe it makes the family feela bit better that, oh my God, he
was really loved.
Look at this person.
But then, the same token,they're like we haven't seen you
(20:51):
at all.
Do we even know you?
Because we don't.
We do a better job at makingtime for that and showing that
person love once, every twoweeks, once a month, once, once,
how you know, just enough tosay, hey, I'm thinking about you
(21:14):
, hope you're doing.
Well, here's a text's a call.
If that person goes and youdon't get to spend enough time
with them because of, you know,geographical reasons, you know
we all live all over the country, all over the world, but at
least you were there because wewere all able to communicate.
We were a phone call away.
So is that?
I feel that way, I feel likeshe's totally right and I'm just
(21:34):
like, yeah, I just have to do abetter job at doing that.
I have a handful of friends Imean I know a lot of people but
I have a handful of friends thatI know mean a whole lot to me
and I love those guys.
Right, and I've made myselfthis promise after this
conversation to say, hey, I'vegot to, like you said earlier,
put it on my calendar on aSaturday morning.
On a Saturday morning, I have alist of 10 people every other
(22:01):
Saturday that I reach out to sayhey, how's everything going,
and some of them you'll end uphaving a conversation with for
longer than maybe you evenwanted to, cause we're all busy,
um, but I think that shitmatters a lot more than we met.
I think we're missing out,because this is a life we have
and this is a time that we havetogether.
Speaker 3 (22:15):
I think it's.
I think it's tough becauseyou're probably like me where
you can, wherever you go, you'regoing to make a lot of friends.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
Yeah, I'll walk up to anybody and talk to them.
Speaker 3 (22:22):
Yeah.
So then what ends up happeningis it's like yeah, you have
maybe like your, your like yourride or die top five that you've
known for decades.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
The guys you would go rob a bank with.
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:32):
But then you probably also have a hundred people that
would at least talk to youabout the bank heist.
You know what I mean, so it'slike you want to text those five
, but then you also have thathundred that are kind of like
you could call at any moment.
They'd want to hang out withyou.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
Well that's, that's narrowed down.
It's really not exaggerated.
Not that, at least for me it'snot.
You're right, I know a lot ofpeople.
You know a lot of people.
We make friends wherever we go,because I have no problem
walking up to someone andsparking a conversation, you
know.
But I'm going to say roughly 10to maybe 12 people that I need
to know.
(23:07):
They're okay, that basicallyit's 12 people I give a kidney
to Got it, so I only have two togive.
I only got one to give, becauseI need one.
Right, but you know, what I mean, like these are the people will
be on the list.
If we were a match, I'm givingit to them, the other a hundred
that I know.
I'm okay If we don't talk allthe time.
I'm okay If I find out with ohman, you know this person passed
(23:27):
or whatever, and I didn't evenget to go to the funeral.
I'm still okay.
I'm saddened for you.
You know my love goes out toyou and your family, but that,
that's pretty much it, you know.
Again, talking to it said to mywife she doesn't have a lot of
friends.
She's the opposite of what weare.
She's a total introvert, has,like I don't know, two and a
half friends.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
And I'm being generous.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
You know, and she was talking about one of her
friends when she said hey, Iwould be perfectly OK, I would
feel fine, I would not feelguilty if something happened to
this person, knowing that Ireach out, knowing that I show
this person my love.
When I think about those peoplethat matter to me, I want to be
in that position and say youknow, these people matter enough
and I let them know that theymatter frequently enough.
(24:08):
Now it works both ways.
If once a month, you hear fromme and I'm the one reaching out,
maybe I'll create the habitsand hopefully you know it's
reciprocal.
But if it's not, then okay,cool, I need to adjust that dial
a little bit and maybe I needto reach out to you a little bit
less, because you know it's not.
We know the feeling is notmutual, yeah, but I don't think
that's the case with anyone thatI that I hold in high regards,
(24:31):
people that I truly love.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
Well, if those 12 people are like you, then
they're probably going to thesame hustle and grind.
If they don't reciprocate, it'sprobably because they're just
caught up in trying to make it.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
I think, if we create the habit, though, I mean
people will be like because,dude, I'd be heartbroken.
Speaker 3 (24:45):
They'll just play for you.
They'll be like I don't need todo it because he's going to
reach out.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Nah, dude, listen, regardless of how busy I am, if
you checking out on me the nexttime I see your, your, your
number, pop up on my screen I'llbe embarrassed.
And again, these are the peoplethat you truly love and you
care about, and they care aboutyou just the same.
Speaker 3 (25:07):
Do you your 12 friends, your top 12, right?
I'm assuming they were all inyour your MySpace top 12, but uh
, what, what yeah I?
Speaker 1 (25:19):
brought that back.
I was like wait, whatMySpacespace?
We got kids on this show, right?
Speaker 3 (25:20):
I'm like they're like myspace myspace, what's that?
Like facebook, black planet.
Yeah, you know where you sharedyour napster.
But uh, yeah, do they all knoweach other?
Many of them do, yes, so whydon't you try?
Why don't you plan an annualtrip?
Speaker 1 (25:34):
that's dope.
Speaker 3 (25:35):
They don't all know each other, but uh but if they,
but if they all went together ona trip, no one would like try
to fight the other person.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
Oh yeah, no, these dudes are all awesome.
Speaker 3 (25:43):
Yeah, just an annual trip.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
There's one nigga I'm thinking of that.
I leave him out of the group.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
I mean 11 is close enough.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
There's one dude, but that would be dope.
That would be dope.
Speaker 3 (26:03):
See, what you do is you start a group thread where
you talk about the trip right,hey, we're gonna do this trip
and you're always just textingabout the ship now, whether the
trip happens or not, what endsup happening is now you're all
talking because I have a.
I have a group thread where, uh, one of my best friends from
college, we did a bourbon trip.
We went to uh what's thebourbon trip?
Was it louisville kentucky?
Oh, yeah, yeah you know whereyou can like see all the the
bourbon.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
I don't say factories , distilleries yeah, yeah and so
he created a thread and, by theway, if you ever do it again,
make sure you go to unclenearest, because it's black
owned and it's dope as hell.
Speaker 3 (26:26):
But go ahead we'll go um, but we did that trip
pre-covid and we're still alltexting in that same thread.
Not only are we texting in thatthread, we also have a facebook
messenger for the thread, eventhough there hasn't been another
trip.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
I just, I literally just said yesterday in the
thread.
Speaker 3 (26:38):
We'll also have a Facebook messenger for the
thread.
Even though there hasn't beenanother trip, I just I literally
just said yesterday in thethread we have to do another
trip every year, we have to doanother trip.
And someone goes, yeah, we'regoing to do another trip, and
then we don't do the damn trip,but we're always talking.
Because then it's like oh, didyou see the game?
Oh, did you see this?
Oh, you see what Trump saidtoday?
There's always a reason why,between all of the I don't know
(26:59):
10 people that are in groups,someone's going to say something
yeah, even if it's just a postabout a new bourbon that they
got, they're always in, they'realways in the thread.
And so, yeah, just yesterday Isaid, hey, man, like we need to
stop talking about doing thetrip, we need to actually start
planning the trip, so we'll seewhat happens.
So that's what I'm saying foryou.
If you just put all your,they're all going that even the
ones that don't know each other,they're going to find
commonalities where they'regoing to start to get to know
(27:20):
each other through the thread.
So maybe the trip doesn'thappen as fast as you'd like it
to, but as soon as everyonestarts understanding that like,
oh, I could hang out witheverybody here.
Yeah, then someone is going totake the reins and make the trip
happen I got a friend of mine.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
Um, he's more than a friend.
I mean, that's the thing too.
Like, out out of these 12 dudes, these guys are brothers, right
, like they are my brothers,like I love these guys to death.
But one of them, his name isReggie.
I don't know how many years ago,but when we went to his wedding
, I remember another friend.
He was saying bro, I live inLouisiana.
At the time I was living inTennessee.
He was like you live inTennessee, reggie's in New York,
(27:55):
so-and-so is somewhere else.
And it was just like all of usall over the country, right, a
couple of people were out of thecountry and they were all there
and he said Reggie is the glue.
He said Reggie's the glue.
He said that he was like bro,how we all come together for
this dude he's the glue becausehe stays in touch with everyone.
He does.
He's one of those guys who doesgo out of his way.
(28:16):
He'll make that phone call belike hey, I just check in on you
, whatever.
And in fact it's weird becausehe still he leaves voicemails.
You know a voicemail, what isit?
Yeah, you know what I'm sayingBecause whenever, like, I don't
leave a voicemail, I don't checkit because I see that I'll call
(28:39):
you back.
I don't need to go listen to 30seconds that I don't have.
Waste my time listen to you say, hey, bro, it's me, you don't
call me back, I don't tell you.
Sometimes I get annoyed.
I'm like why the hell you leavea voicemail for and I gotta go
delete this shit withoutlistening to it.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
It's funny just read the text on the in the in your
iphone.
I don't even bother man, I justlike I see a message.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
the little that notification annoys me, so I got
to go and delete it because Idon't like to see that
notification.
Speaker 3 (29:02):
No red dots on your screen.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
No red dots on my screen, it's annoying.
You know.
So then I'm just like, cause itshows me that there's something
you got to do Something you gotto do Something, you got to do.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
That's what's up.
Yeah, it's reg, you know.
Hey, it's tony.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Hey, just yeah but he'll say things like I was just
thinking about you and makingsure you and the family, okay,
sending my love, blah, blah, andI'm like that little thing that
is a lost art.
Just the act of caring andshowing that you care in such a
minute way goes so such a longway.
I'll have fucked up days andI'll get that voicemail because
(29:46):
maybe I don't feel like talking.
When he pick, when he calls,right I won't answer, but later
on I'll listen to it and thenit'll shift my mood into someone
cares, the people who count onyou wife, children they care too
, but you can't go to them withyour troubles.
Yeah, not all the time.
Yeah, you have tocompartmentalize the shit, right
(30:06):
, and just so to know someonereaches out, and so he's one of
those.
Actually, I never thought aboutuntil just now, but he's one of
those people who actually doesthat and and there's a reason
people stay in touch with I do Ihave friends that I went to
high school with.
We Reggie and I didn't go tothe same high school and he
knows those guys because we livein the same neighborhood.
They are my friends, but Idon't stay in touch with them
(30:28):
anymore.
We haven't talked in 25, 30years and he'll be like, hey,
remember that guy, you fought inhigh school that one time.
And I'm like, yeah, I think so.
He's like yeah, yeah.
And he's like yeah, yeah, we'rejust hanging out with him,
whatever.
I'm like that's crazy how youstay in touch with people.
Yeah, exactly.
First of all, I won that fight,so you know what?
Speaker 2 (30:49):
do you say about the fight though?
Yeah, what do you say about thefight?
Yeah, we have a rematch.
I'm sure he's out of shape now.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
How do we protect our space?
So setting boundaries for our,yeah, just protecting our
personal time Turn off yourphone Next question.
That's a good one.
Speaker 3 (31:08):
Think about it right, because most of the time when
you're losing your time oryou're losing your space, it's
probably because either someoneruns into you which is very rare
or they're calling you on thephone or they're texting you.
If you just put your phone down, if you didn't pick up your
phone for 24 hours, like on a Iwould lose my fucking mind.
But how?
But how much time would youhave?
Speaker 1 (31:24):
I would have a lot of time You'd have a lot of time,
my wife would figure out what todo with that time I would have.
You're right, the peace thatwould come with that will be
amazing.
However, the worry and theanxiety that I would have for
the first few hours I waslistening to, um, I was having a
conversation with a friend whowent moose hunting cool white
(31:46):
boy shit.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
I'm dying to go but they were fuck that guy they
were.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
He says too many n-words and people just go.
Oh yeah, he's not racist, buthe went moose hunting with a
couple of friends and it was a10 day expedition in the
wilderness with no cell coverage.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:14):
But I don't know what I can disconnect for 10 days.
Speaker 3 (32:17):
I think you could.
Here's why.
One you're moose hunting, right, so your biggest worry is am I
about to get impaled by a 10foot tall moose?
Speaker 2 (32:24):
don't fuck around.
You don't have time to worryabout other shit, you have to
make sure you don't die right,because while you're, hunting
the moose.
There's other big shit huntingthat moose too, like there's
grizzlies yeah, like you're notworried about, like, let me
check my facebook page.
No, you might die.
Speaker 1 (32:43):
No, I wouldn't worry about that.
It's not social media, it's thebeing connected, Like you said,
for 24 hours.
You know, on a Saturday I can'tbe off grid 10 days, maybe not
10 days right.
Speaker 3 (32:54):
But, if you're gone for three or four days, I'm
telling you One, it's going tobe cold as shit.
So all you're going to bethinking shit you gotta do first
, you gotta go.
All you gotta go rambo style,first of all moose.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
Oh, we're not where it's hot, so never mind, you're
gonna be up damn near the polars, right, right.
Speaker 3 (33:16):
so like, yeah, it's gonna be cold as shit, right, so
you'd be worried about that too.
You're trying to go killsomething, so you don't want to
mess that up.
Three, there's other thingsaround there that will kill you,
yeah, so you got to worry aboutthat.
Like there's a lot of thingsyou need to worry about before
worrying about, you know, amissed call.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
Dude, I would love so much and I hope people listen
to this they can figure it out,because I need to figure it out.
You know I'm not speaking likeI have the answers.
I'm looking for the answers.
Speaker 3 (33:43):
You can make the time .
Speaker 1 (33:45):
Yeah, I got to figure it out.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
Once again, you go to your calendar and you put in on
this day for this time I'mdoing this shit.
Yeah Right, there's nosurprises because it's on the
calendar.
If you need to tell yourbusiness partners, hey, I'm
going to be out of town in thefuture, on this day for this
time, don't call me.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
People respect that.
Speaker 3 (34:01):
Yeah, I'm not going to call you Right, because I'm
sure there's nothinglife-changing as far as work is
concerned that's going to happenbetween those hours, that they
can't talk to you before thosehours or after those hours.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
Gotcha, Do you ever think about having the perfect
day?
Forget three or four days Likethis is my day.
This is everything I'm going todo in this day, Cause it's
crazy, Cause something as simpleas that I fantasize about.
You know, some people have wildfantasies.
I just have fantasies aboutgive me two days where I'm home,
I'm not going anywhere, but Ijust need the perfect day that
(34:33):
starts with prayer, meditation.
It starts with working out,going to the gym, having brunch,
going to get a nice massage,playing around the golf, having
more food, you know, catching upon a show that I like, watching
some, you know, and just it'swhatever.
Right Self-care.
Speaker 3 (34:47):
You could literally do that.
Speaker 1 (34:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
On your calendar.
I'm going to wake up and I'mgoing to do this.
Here's the secret sauce.
Speaker 1 (34:56):
It's called a calendar.
Speaker 2 (34:57):
I don't know if you've heard of this thing.
Speaker 1 (34:59):
Yeah, it's called a calendar.
You got to put it on there.
Speaker 3 (35:08):
What you do is you literally plan your shit out,
right yeah, and then you do theshit that you have planned out.
Plan the shit, do the shit yousay you're going to do.
But I mean, obviously it'seasier said than done, right
yeah, like there are going to bewild cards, you know, there are
going to be audibles that youneed to call when shit just
happens that you have to takecare of.
But that is so rare, right?
We've been sitting here for Idon't know how much time, and
I'm guarantee you like nothinghas happened in this time that
you were like, oh my God, we gotto stop because my kid's arm
(35:30):
fell off.
You can make it happen, it'sjust you have to get out of your
own way.
Speaker 2 (35:34):
Very true.
Speaker 3 (35:36):
Obviously, we all have relationships with the
people that we we love, and wealso have relationships with
people that we care not to bearound but we have to, whether
it be work or family right.
How do you balance their impacton you?
Because there's some peoplethat you don't want to talk to,
that you don't, you have nochoice.
Speaker 1 (35:53):
You have to talk to them and they're and they're not
good Like we've been in asituation together, working
together, where there wassomeone there that we would have
loved to not talk to RightRight, but unfortunately that
nice person didn't have theirshit together and that trickled
down on us, affecting our mentalhealth, because that was a
definite toxic yeah that was theworst and it was right around
(36:15):
the time that my father had diedand I had the worst time
dealing with that and balancingwork and being around a dude who
didn't give two shit and, infact, using that tragedy to some
kind of way, make it allgimmicky.
Like hey, why don't you justtell all of the reps what's
happening with you personallyand publicize it?
(36:36):
to try to get some kind of totry and get some kind of better
bond with them or whatever,never mind the way I want to
grieve and mourn or anythinglike that.
It was so pathetic.
Yeah, I've dealt with that shitand you're right.
And I couldn't say in thatenvironment, and we're not there
anymore.
So I don't know that I have.
There's this meme that I saw,you know, one time, where it
(36:57):
says black people got one reasonwhy they're always leaving a
job, and that reason is they hadme fucked up.
It seems to be the commonreason why did?
Why'd you quit that job?
Why'd you got fired?
They had me fucked up, you know, and so I don't.
I don't stay in thoseenvironments.
I think there's enoughchallenge, you know, with the
world.
(37:17):
So I don't have a knee jerkreaction, but I plan my exit.
The second you say some shit oryou act a certain way and I go.
Oh, I can't be here anymore.
In my head, I'm already gone,I've already made my transition.
Oh, I'm making it.
Speaker 3 (37:33):
I just don't tell you , I think for me, like with my
kids, I always want to make surethat I'm having a good time
with my kids.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
That you are.
Speaker 3 (37:40):
Yep, like when they see me, it's playtime.
Speaker 2 (37:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (37:47):
It.
They see me, it's playtime.
Yeah right, it doesn't matterif my back is spasming, it
doesn't matter if I have theworst day at work ever, like it
doesn't matter, because what Idon't want is for them to grow
up and be like oh, you know, mydad really didn't love me and
you know he never smiled and wenever had a good time yeah
that's why I'm sitting here intherapy, that's why I'm dancing
on this pole, because daddydidn't love me.
It's like no no, I'm not notplaying that game.
Yeah Right, it's like I can.
I can suck it up and put on asmiley face, no matter what's
(38:09):
happening.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
It's not fair to them .
It doesn't matter that you youknow, yeah, you went out and
work 14 hours, but when you comehome and they want to run down
the stairs and jump on the fifthstep and you better catch them.
Speaker 3 (38:21):
Yeah, it's just what it is.
Yep, a hundred percent Ahundred percent.
Um, now, I don't always extendthat same uh policy to my wife,
which is probably isn't fair.
My reasoning is it's like weare growing up, you know.
You know the bullshit we'regoing through right now.
Like you're growing up, um isthat fair?
Speaker 1 (38:37):
though it's not, it's not fair.
So how do you reconcile that,like, what are you doing about
that?
That's a great question, stefan.
Speaker 3 (38:50):
Sounds like a whole other podcast, because that's a,
that's a deep question.
You can't just like I need.
I need to take her out on adate to a nice dinner, have some
drinks, maybe do a show andjust show my appreciation yeah
but yeah it's.
It's tough because it's like Ican.
I can mask it and you know,just crunch the stress way down
deep and bury it and put on thesmiley face yeah and make sure
that you know I'm there for thekids.
Yeah, um, but then when it comesto my wife, I'm like well you
(39:11):
know you're an adult.
Like you get it like yeah, youknow what?
Speaker 2 (39:14):
we don't try, we're trying to do you know we're
trying to, we're grinding, we'rehustling.
It's not gonna be fun, but whenwe get there, everything will
be fun for everybody exactlythat's what you're trying to get
to exactly, exactly.
Speaker 3 (39:24):
So it's like I'm we're gonna get to this point
eventually.
I promise you that we will.
It's gonna suck now, right, butwhen we get to this point
eventually, like we're gonna begood, everyone's gonna be happy
yeah, and then.
But what happens is what diesalong the journey, and sometimes
it's not the kind of thing youcan revive this is true, which
is why I have to make sure thatyou know if I want to be in my
(39:45):
little poopy moods, I don't pushher away too much or I don't
say or do anything too stupidwhere it's like I can't come
back from that yeah, and sheknows me now I come home and she
asks me something and I'm quickwith my response, she's just
kind of like all right, I'm notdealing with this negro right
now, like yeah, and then I'mlike I'm gonna go start to go to
the bathroom.
You know, then you're just inthe bathroom for an hour playing
(40:07):
on your phone, trying todecompress from the day, right
so I'm not the only one who sitsin the bathroom for an hour.
Speaker 1 (40:13):
This is every dad this is all dads.
Speaker 2 (40:14):
All dads are in the bathroom for minimum two hours a
day if we didn't go in therewith our phone 20 minutes a day.
Speaker 1 (40:21):
Oh, yeah, I wouldn't do it to do myself.
Speaker 3 (40:24):
The other day bro, the other day I went in.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
I forgot my glasses, so I was there with my phone.
I'm like, fuck, I can see shit.
I'm trying to play this game.
I'm hitting the red blocks, butI meant to hit orange.
It was all fucked up, man, yeah, I was like damn it.
Speaker 3 (40:45):
And I wanted to call and be like babe you might need
to get a second pair just forthe bathroom.
Speaker 1 (40:50):
You know that would be a bad.
Speaker 3 (40:51):
I just leave it in there, just in case you need to
put that on your calendar to goget a second pair.
Speaker 1 (40:55):
That's funny.
Speaker 3 (40:58):
So I mean so yourself .
So how do you make that balance?
Speaker 1 (41:02):
Ooh, I think that's how we started off the
conversation.
I'm not doing a very good jobof it right now.
I don't know that I have thebalance.
I think that my mental healthis, you know, impacted by it.
I'm trying to do all I can.
I told my wife last night justhow much I appreciated her, and
what I really want to say isjust you know, I tell her, you
(41:23):
know, I just need to do a betterjob of it.
So here's what it is like.
There's actions and there'swords.
Right, Don't tell me, show meso.
Because I'm that way.
I'm trying to get to the pointwhere all I do is show it.
I still say it, but I want todo more showing it.
And sometimes, when I don'tfeel like I'm doing enough, then
I just shut down in a way whereI won't even speak.
(41:43):
Because then I just shut downin a way where I won't even
speak because I feel like, well,what's the point of me saying
something to you when I'm notable to back it up with action?
So, even if that's her lovelanguage, I recognize it as I'm
saying it.
I'm saying it right now.
That's, that's my problem.
You know she's it's you know,she's focused on you know, on on
us and keeping us together andjust holding us down and working
(42:05):
hard.
She's still doing everythingshe has to do.
And I'm in my head around andI'm making up these crazy
scenarios that don't necessarilytruly exist.
I'm sure there's some truth toit, but, yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm
struggling with saying the same.
I honestly.
I mean it's hard to think abouther and not get emotional
because of how much she does forme, the support, the love,
(42:28):
something that I've never had inmy entire life.
I had a friend of mine one timesay we were golfing and he lost
his wife to cancer, and he saysthat he goes my wife.
She loved me like my motherloved me.
Think about that, becausethere's no greater love.
Yeah, there's no person in thisworld.
Bro, if I, if I lost all myfunctions I know that without
(42:52):
shame my seven year old mom, shewould take care of me and
probably extend her life so Ican have a better quality of
life and thereby extending mylife.
If that, if you know what Imean and you don't control, if
that, if you know what I meanand you don't control, when you
die but you know what I meanLike her will to live would last
longer would last longer,because she has to take care of
(43:13):
this 50 year old who can't wipehis own ass, right?
So I say that to say that mywife loves me that way.
Now, I would never want to putthat kind of burden on her,
cause I'm just kind of who'slike nah, just let me go.
Speaker 2 (43:24):
Let me go, go ahead and pull the plug.
Speaker 1 (43:26):
I'm that guy, right?
Yeah, me too.
Don't want to put that onanybody whatsoever, but that's
how I feel, that she loves mebecause of what she shows me,
you know, at my weakest momentsin my week and this is what
every man needs man type of way,or do you have, you know, um,
some kind of skill, or it's justreally, for me, what I'm
(43:54):
looking for is what I alreadyhave, like what I was looking
for, and it's crazy.
I didn't know I was looking forit, but it's this crazy love
and it's crazy support to feelthat, man, you're made whole and
you're still a man.
Speaker 3 (44:04):
You're still this strong presence, even when you
feel like you're weakest youneed to uh set reminders in your
phone to say something nice,yeah, because there's the saying
the appreciation and thenshowing the appreciation if you
decrease one, then you have toincrease the other because it's
not for you, it's for someoneelse it's for her yeah,
(44:26):
priorities.
So when do you feel it's likeit's?
Should it be a a when majorlife thing happens, or should it
be when I hit this age?
Or should it be when somebodytells me to revive my parties?
That's a great question.
Speaker 1 (44:37):
So I think I think what should happen is younger
people from the age of 17 shouldreally give it some thought.
You don't have to have all theanswers, you don't have to know
hey, this is what I want to dowith my life, but you do need to
know.
This is where I want to be bythis point and how do I get
there.
And you have to think aboutwhat that avenue is.
The good thing about being thatage is there's probably 15
(44:59):
different roads that will takeyou to that same destination, so
you can figure out which oneyou want to take and just embark
on that journey, right, um?
So that's that's when theyreally should be thinking about
it, and the priorities willshift and change along the way.
But you need to behyper-focused on what that goal
is and not let anything get inthe way.
Say something does, yourpriorities will change.
(45:20):
So for me, it was the birth ofmy first child.
I wasn't prepared to have a kid.
You know.
That's really the truth be told.
I wanted to have kids.
I knew I love, I adore children.
I just wanted to have my ownkids An opinion which, by the
way, has changed ever since.
Now I'm like I'm older, I'mlike, yeah, if I had to do it
all over again, I probablywouldn't have children, because
(45:41):
A, the world is shit and theworld is shit.
Speaker 2 (45:47):
And B.
Speaker 1 (45:47):
I spent too much time worrying about them and it's
just like I can't even live,couldn't breathe because I was
thinking about somethinghappening to them and lose my
mind.
So why would I put?
You know, if I knew then what Iknow now, I wouldn't put myself
through it.
But back then I was like Iwanted a kid, I wanted a kid.
I didn't give it was a girl, aboy, I just wanted a kid.
Well, but I wasn't ready andthe person I and boom 26, my
daughter's born, my world had tochange.
I was focused entirely on music.
I was focused on making it andI was, you know, in clubs and in
(46:12):
studios all the time.
And I kept that up for a littlebit.
But immediately I got reallyserious.
That's when my sales careerreally started, because up to
then it was just like it'swhatever, I'll get whatever type
of job, but I'm really focusedon just my making music.
I just need enough just tobarely pay the bills and rent
out this one room.
I don't need a whole apartment,just let me stay in a room.
(46:33):
There's three guys sharing anapartment and I'm cool, um, but
my kid comes along and I'm like,yeah, this has to change, so I
get a real job, even though itwas sales.
But I got into a real company, Igot a real job and I was at 10
years and got promoted and wentup the ranks and it changed my
entire life and my trajectorywas different.
It's hard to have an accident,bro.
You know.
(46:53):
You don't just you know what Imean.
What I mean is like, like to me, like the most life changing
event could be death, could becertain things, but it's really
just the birth of a child,correct, and we approach this I
shouldn't say we, but I didapproach it that way and I know
too many young men and women whoapproach it as if it was
something they can't help, likeit just fucking happened.
(47:15):
It doesn't just happen.
It happens because you takecertain steps and certain
actions and you're irresponsiblein your approach.
I was, and that's how a lot ofpeople end up with children when
they themselves are stillgrowing.
They're kids themselves At 26,.
I will tell you with absolutecertainty I was a complete idiot
, but I still think that if youhave a solid foundation and a
(47:36):
solid roadmap, is anchored withvalues and character, you might
fumble here and there, but youdon't go backwards.
Speaker 3 (47:42):
So I think you need to write all of your immutable
plans in pencil right.
All of the.
This is what I'm gonna do, thisis where I'm gonna be, this is
how I'm gonna.
I'm gonna get there.
Write all that shit in pencilright because, like you just
said, when you were 24, you knowthis is it.
I'm gonna be this world famousmusician.
I'm gonna be killing it.
I'm gonna show my dad that I'mthe best thing since sliced
(48:03):
bread right ever picked up,whatever instrument it was.
Two years later, you got tobreak out that eraser.
It's not as a challenge.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
You got to feed that kid.
Speaker 3 (48:12):
You got to erase.
You got to erase and wipe itaway.
Cool, these are my new goals.
As long as you're movingforward, that's all that really
matters.
Speaker 1 (48:20):
So this was really helpful for me.
But I can't be the only onewho's struggling with this
balance thing.
Just this balance, thisbalancing act is tough man.
And I'm not saying that womenare not going through it,
obviously they are right.
They are going through itthemselves and they have their
own set of problems, andsometimes they're the same.
But for me, I feel like, as aman, it's like there's the extra
(48:41):
weight.
I'm not sure if it's an extra.
It's not fair to say that Iguess I don't extra weight.
I'm not sure if it's an extraweight.
It's not fair to say that Iguess I don't, for lack of a
better phrase.
I kind of feel like there's whatyou have to do, there's the
expectation, and then there'sthis imagined expectation that
we put on ourselves.
There's the societal pressures,there's all these different
things, and I don't thinkthere's enough grace for when we
(49:03):
fail At least I don't give itto myself, right?
So when there's failure andI've had plenty of failures when
I'm facing those, I'm hard onmyself in terms of, like what
this is that I'm doing, howcould I allow this to have
happened?
And all these crazy.
They serve zero purpose and Iknow this.
My higher self is sitting theregoing wait, wait, wait.
That's not the way to fix anyof that, but my ego, myself, my
(49:27):
personality, this person that Iam here living in this
experience, is not okay.
That balance is.
It's the toughest thing.
I have children and they're soindividualistic.
Each one of them is an entirelydifferent world.
There's not like I'm just goingto do this with my kids entire
(49:47):
different world.
There's not like I'm just goingto do this with my kids and I
find that I'm not doing enoughfor each of them and I'm not
giving them enough of my timeindividually.
And they all need it.
Definitely not doing enough formy wife, who's not needing it
but deserves it, and yet I stillhave to function and go, do all
these things and the balance is, to me, seems almost impossible
(50:09):
.
So what are some sustainableroutines that you would
recommend or that you'veimplemented yourself in your own
life?
Speaker 3 (50:17):
Um.
Speaker 1 (50:18):
so there's this great tool Um don't say fucking
calendar one more time.
Speaker 3 (50:23):
It's called a.
Uh.
It rhymes with, like coriander.
What kind of word?
What is it called?
It's like they used to write itin stone cauldron cauldron no
abacus sammy samsonite calendar.
Speaker 2 (50:38):
Calendar so is that all it is is?
Speaker 1 (50:43):
that really all.
It is just gonna writeeverything down that's that.
Speaker 3 (50:45):
That's a tool.
You have to know what to put inthe calendar, and what I mean
by that is one of the thingsthat you brought up was everyone
deserves my time.
What you need to do is talk toeach person and say I'd love to
be there for you.
What does that mean to you?
Right, because one of your kidsmight say, hey, it'd be really
nice if maybe, we grab lunchonce a week.
Someone else might say, hey,really nice If you could play a
(51:06):
game with me once a week, right?
Speaker 1 (51:08):
Yeah, everyone is different.
Speaker 3 (51:09):
For each one it's going to be different for each
person.
You can't just automaticallyassume that it's.
They all want to hang out withme because I'm the most amazing
dad in the whole world.
They all want.
Speaker 1 (51:16):
They all want to just be blessed with my presence
take my kids to TCBY and thattraumatized them because they
quickly learned that whenever Iwould take them to get no, they
quickly learned that whenever Iwould take them to get frozen
yogurt, it's because I wanted tohave a serious conversation
(51:36):
about something they werefucking up.
So now to this day, if I go,hey, you want to go to TCBY,
even though they're groundedlike no, no, thanks.
Speaker 2 (51:43):
We go to Cold Stone, we're not going to TCBY, though.
Speaker 3 (51:51):
There's something about that place.
You're gonna lecture us for twohours, I think, yeah.
So I think what you need to dois you need to talk to each one
of your kids and just say heylook, I'd love to be more
present.
What does that mean to you?
Like, what do you?
Speaker 1 (51:57):
I love that right, because you're so smart.
Speaker 3 (51:59):
Yeah, you just can't assume, just ask I don't think a
single one.
Speaker 1 (52:01):
I don't know.
I shouldn't say I don't think,I know.
Not a single one of my childrenis sitting around going.
I can't wait for dad to make it.
So they are all like doingtheir own thing and on their own
path and their own journey, andso that I'm really, really
blessed and I'm so proud of themfor that reason.
Speaker 3 (52:16):
I think you answered your own question.
Speaker 1 (52:17):
Yeah, I guess I did so.
Hey, man, this was a realimpactful conversation.
I think that this is this isone of those things that
obviously we we struggle with.
I know I did.
Uh, I am in some way, shape orform, you are to some degree, I
don't know that.
I know too many people who areresponsible for themselves and
others who are not dealing with.
(52:38):
You know being inadequate andjust not doing enough and and
struggling to even find time tofor themselves to decompress.
I understand why sometimes, whenwomen find that self-care day
and then they go do somethingthat may seem silly to us, like
whether you just go get apedicure, just sit there and
(52:58):
just allow yourself to bepampered for a little bit.
I need to figure something out.
You're right, Just using thecalendar and making time for it.
Figure out what that is.
I love.
I think it bears repeating.
It's so important what you justsaid.
Find out what that looks likefor each person, people that
matter to you, your children,your wife.
What does that look like?
(53:19):
How do you show up for them?
I think that is so crazycritical.
Brother, you are a gentlemanand a scholar.
I will say man.
Any final words?
Speaker 3 (53:28):
Let's go Get a calendar, get a calendar.
Speaker 1 (53:33):
Thanks for listening folks.
Be sure to follow us on allsocial medias at Manhood Matters
Podcast.
Let's get it.
Talk to you guys next week.
Speaker 3 (53:43):
Get a calendar, get a calendar.
Speaker 2 (53:44):
Listen to the podcast .
It in your calendar EveryMonday.
Listen to the podcast.
Get a calendar.
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