February 17, 2025 • 56 mins
We were honored to receive questions from women under 30. This is chapter 3 of a three-part series.
With your host Stéphane Alexandre, and guest co-hosts Leon Cohen, Delva Michel, and Justin Bradford, this episode tackles the pressing questions young women have about relationships, love, and personal growth. We explore staying together for the kids, the impact of double standards in relationships, recognizing red flags, the complexities of dating single moms, and so much more!!
• Staying in a relationship for the kids can harm children's emotional well-being
• Double standards in relationships require context and understanding
• Feminism should support equality without sacrificing personal identities
• Red flags vs. yellow flags: personal discernment is crucial
• Navigating dating history and commitment readiness means assessing timing
• Setting boundaries in male-dominated environments is essential
• Single mothers can find love, but challenges exist
• Mandatory DNA testing could prevent future misunderstandings in paternity
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Feb 17th 2025 HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!! I Love you!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Let's go to the extreme example, right.
Let's say you have two verycivilized people who decide to
stay together for the kids andthey are not fighting.
Are the kids blind to the factthat there is no love between
you two?
You know what I mean.
Is that good for them?
Speaker 2 (00:13):
It's harder for you to leave than it is on the kids.
I'll put it that way.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
Yeah, what you're trying to fix is probably going
to damage the most.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
Yeah, and by the time you realize that you're going
to be so pissed that you spentanother five, 10 years, 15 years
in something that inevitablywas going to break.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
And possibly missed your opportunity to be with the
person that you were meant to beCorrect.
Speaker 3 (00:34):
Yeah, leave and create in two beautiful spaces.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
I'm not going to lie.
I'm really excited abouttoday's episode where we answer
questions from young women.
This is the third of athree-part series.
I've got my boys here with me.
We're ready to roll Now.
If this is your first timechecking us out, please hit the
follow button so you can benotified every time we release
(01:00):
an episode.
Welcome to Manhood Matters.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Let's get right to it .
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Oh man, this is.
This was good.
So we are back.
We are in the living room.
We're here with Leon Cohen,delva Michelle and Justin
Bradford.
We're going to speak to youguys and answer some questions.
These women just sent in theirquestions and we're going to
answer with as much wisdom,experience and grace as possible
(01:40):
.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
By the way, ladies, thank you.
Yeah, for real, for real.
We provide the necessaryinsight you need to get what you
want out of it.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Thank you for reaching out, thank you for just
being open and vulnerable andwanting to learn and wanting to
be better.
Speaker 4 (01:53):
So, with all that said, I'll pass it back to
Justin so the question is do youthink double standards are a
good or bad thing?
Hypocrisy?
I would definitely say it's abad thing.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
Well, it all depends.
To me, it depends on what it isthat is a double standard.
So, for instance, my son is 19.
He's six feet tall.
He's got two of his buddies andthey are going to the corner
store at 11 o'clock at night.
I'm not as worried.
My daughter wants to do theexact same thing.
She's five one and a quarter.
It's different for me.
(02:28):
When people say there's adouble standard, I think the
person they're referring to isanything you can do.
I can do it as well.
That's true intellectually, butas far as something that, to me
, is common sense, we're talkingsafety and someone who's
physically able to handlethemselves versus someone who's
not.
I sense we're talking safetyand someone who's physically
able to handle themselves versussomeone who's not.
Speaker 4 (02:49):
I would look at that a little bit different.
So I think it all depends onwhat is that we're talking about
.
Yeah, I think it'scircumstantial as far as if it's
good or if it's bad Cause theexample you use you use perfect,
it's bad Would not make senseto say, well, they can go, why
can't I go?
But then also there's going tobe like the point of your girl
saying, of your girl saying,well, you know, you can go out
and have your cigar night withyour guys and go to the cigar
lounge, why can't I go out tothe club and party with my girls
?
And you're like two differentthings.
(03:09):
But in her mind she's going tocategorize it at the same and
say, well, now you're being ahypocrite or now you're being
unfair and you're doing onething but won't allow me to do
the same thing, when in realitywe know intentions are much
different for that circumstance.
So I think it's circumstantial,but I think for the most part I
mean they're a bad thing to sayeverything you can do, I can do
.
Yeah, beau, you want to sayLeon?
Speaker 2 (03:30):
I 100% agree on double standards.
So I gave you the Bible premisewhere we weren't born.
Equally, you said the E word.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Yeah we weren't?
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yeah, we were.
There are a couple of E words.
I want to touch on another onein a minute, but go ahead.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Yeah, we weren't born to be equal.
So there are parameters, thereare provisions in life where
double standards exist.
I mean, and the more we try toequate equality, the further we
get apart in our purposes andgetting on roles and being able
to get along.
Because as long as two peoplefeel like there's an equal
(04:08):
balance to the relationship,then there's no need for the
other.
Because who's in charge Onteams and business?
Two alpha males don't make it.
Alpha male, alpha woman have ahard time coexisting.
Someone has to be able tosuppress or, as we said, submit
to the other.
So I'll give you the Obamas asthe example.
(04:29):
Michelle is just as dominant inthat relationship, it seems
from the outside, as Barack is,but what happens is she knows
when to submit, and so does he,and that's where the equality
comes from.
So one is not equal to theother, if that makes sense.
Speaker 4 (04:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
She's a wife.
She submits when she's supposedto submit.
He submits when he's supposedto submit and that's where the
balance comes in.
What happens?
In that?
I see where the problem comesin.
There's one person that alwayswants to win.
Speaker 4 (04:55):
But there's also healthy double standards.
It's like if she's pulling youcloser to God.
She's like I go to church at 9am, why can't you go to?
So like it's a circumstantialthing, is what I've kicked this
thing off with.
It's like there's so many.
I go to the gym.
Why can't you go to the gym?
Well, because that's thebetterment of us.
But yet again, if you're like ohwell, you can have female
friends, why can't I have malefriends?
Well, now I could be.
(05:28):
Yeah, and they were like.
They were like the fraternityto your sorority, like all those
different things, cause theseare younger girls.
It's like is it going to buildyou up or break you down If that
double standard is applied?
Cause you're going to build upyour family unit and keep them
safe.
If you tell your daughter don'tgo to the corner store.
But now, if you say theopposite, yeah, let's have the
double standard, you can go tothe corner store, cause he goes
to the.
Well, now, all of a sudden,there's kidnappings, there's
crazy things that happen, right,bingo.
So now it's you're breakingyour family apart because you're
jeopardizing the safety of oneanother because of your double
(05:51):
standard, so healthy and harmfulat the same time just depends
on the circumstance.
All right, next question can Ibe oh?
Speaker 2 (05:59):
you already know it's gonna be good yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
He said f and started laughing all right.
Speaker 4 (06:06):
Can I be a feminist?
There you go.
You still have a successfulrelationship with a man, or do I
have to pick one?
You pick one or pick none.
That's my answer I.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
I'm glad she actually said with a man, right, because
it all depends on what you'relooking for, because if you want
to be the man and in that sense, then yeah, it's gonna be tough
to have a relationship with areal man in the sense that we
understand what a real man is.
If by being a feminist you meanequal pay for equal work, I
agree with you.
You could be empowered, you canhave all of that and yet bask
(06:37):
in your feminine energy.
Speaker 3 (06:38):
I have a question Is there a blur line between
feminism and modern woman?
Speaker 4 (06:44):
Yes, modern woman is just a woman.
At this time, feminists can beeven back in the day, because
feminism to me means fightingfor equality.
And some, like people, can say,oh, modern women are horrible.
Oh, some women are good, likeyou're just saying it doesn't
have to be right, yeah, you'recategorizing the women of this
time period that are in thedating pool as opposed to
feminist could have existed in1930, but she just wasn't the
(07:06):
dominant group, so nobody paidher as much mind as nowadays
with social media.
If you're a feminist, you gosuper viral.
Now you have this big followingand now you're pushed out even
more.
Where were you going with it?
Speaker 3 (07:17):
I would say you have to pick one because, although
being a feminist is just by baredefinition is just fighting for
women's right, but fighting forthat right sometimes is blurred
with equality right.
So I'll give you a quickexample.
Right, I used to work at ups asa loader physical job me too.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
I did it for like okay three months.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
I also spent it three times so you guys know what I'm
talking about.
Yeah, yeah, we all we all threedid this, okay, so move, get
paid 21 an hour just likeeverybody else across the board
women, men, doesn't matter and Iget called by my supervisor,
after loading three trucks, togo help a lady whose package is
a little bit too heavy.
I'm like no, I'm not doing it,you, we want to be equal.
(08:01):
This is equality.
You fought for that.
Own it.
It's not that I didn't want tohelp the lady, but I'm not
getting paid anymore.
I'm already tired now.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Oh, no, it's too heavy for her that's the job
that she actually got, whichmeans she's qualified to
absolutely right and then shewas like you don't want to help
a woman?
Speaker 3 (08:18):
no, it's not that.
It's because on the applicationthey ask you can you lift 65
pounds or less?
Anything over 65, you need apartner, but if it's under 65,
we're good.
And you said yes, you get paidexactly the same amount of money
.
Let's equality be equality.
Or just tell me we're not equaland that we're good.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Absolutely.
There's nothing that.
I want you know, I've gotdaughters Right.
Want you know, I've gotdaughters right you know,
there's nothing that I that Idon't want for my girls.
There's no barrier that shouldbe close to them because they're
a woman.
That just shouldn't be the case, absolutely.
But there are certain physicalattributes no different than a
man decides to become a woman.
Now he goes and he startsboxing in a ufc and beating
(08:59):
women.
There's a reason he's dominating.
We have physical attributes,we're stronger, we're faster.
For the most part I'm beingvery generic here right, that's
kind of where our advantagestops.
We accept that role.
I don't particularly want to bethe one who runs towards danger
, but that's my job, that's myresponsibility.
If I'm protecting my family,that's what I do.
(09:19):
I don't sit there and debatewith my wife.
I don't think about that for asecond.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
It's my job to do that.
You're like baby, get himExactly.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
You don't let him do that to us.
Exactly, I'm over here I foughtthe last two, but the reality
is, if you understand that equalpay for equal work, et cetera,
absolutely and a real man wholoves and supports you is going
to agree there's no dispute hereand a real man who loves and
supports you is going to agree.
Speaker 4 (09:45):
There's no dispute here.
This one says how do Idetermine whether or not it's a
red flag or something negativethat we can work through?
Well?
Speaker 2 (09:52):
I am a believer in my instincts, right, and what I
mean by that is, if somethingsounds like a deal breaker for
me or is off, that I need somefurther explanation, for my
instincts usually don't steer mewrong, and I think where people
usually get into trouble iswhen they don't listen to their
instincts.
So it's a red flag for youbecause instinctually, you heard
(10:15):
something or felt somethingthat raised something or a
concern within you, but youchose to ignore it.
And then, when it happens, thenyou're like oh damn, I knew it.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
They have this amazing gift intuition.
I think theirs is even more intune than ours for the most part
, I agree, and if you choose tonot listen to that voice within
us, on you.
The biggest problem issometimes when they choose to
ignore.
It is simply because they thinkthey can change somebody.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
So it goes back to that old saying where it says
women marry a man expecting themto change, and a man marries a
woman hoping they don't.
Speaker 4 (10:45):
Yes, that's so good.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
That is so true so good, yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
Thinking back to the question and the way it was
formulated, I think you have tofirst determine what your
standards are.
Then, when you see somethingthat goes against those core
values and those principles,it's a red flag for a reason.
Don't think you're going towork through it Now.
You might want to give them oneopportunity to explain it,
because maybe you misinterpretedsomething.
So then you have thatdiscussion.
(11:11):
If the red flag persists andthey just tell you no, that's
just the way I am.
Or they're not telling you, butthey're showing you.
So let's give an example.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
I got some good ones.
Dude hits you and smacks youaround.
He's like baby, I'll never doit again.
Do it again.
Probably a red flag that youneed to pay attention to?
Most definitely Because he'sprobably going to knock your
head off the next time, butprobably worse because you
accepted that the fact that youeven stayed means that he's
allowed to do it again.
Correct Red flag as in oh, heleft the toilet seat up and
that's now how I subscribe, andI asked him not to do that.
(11:41):
Well, you might can.
Probably that's a workaround.
That's a yellow flag.
Speaker 4 (11:44):
That's a yellow flag, that's not a red flag Right?
Speaker 2 (11:47):
You know, like I said , I trust your instincts, but
also use some discernment.
I'm not going to say commonsense, because common sense
ain't common.
Use some discernment in what'sa red flag for you and a deal
breaker.
Speaker 4 (12:03):
To determine.
I kind of took this question ashow would I answer it myself
rather than just like seeing itfrom her side.
I said a red flag is somethingyou can't change, cannot yes,
factual, a yellow flag issomething you can change.
She's valued for her past.
I'm going to question her moreon her past, that she's probably
going to interrogate me on myfuture and a lot of my future.
Things can change.
So if she saw a yellow flag,which is a negative which we can
probably work through, she saidwhat are your career goals?
Xyz?
(12:23):
Ah, that's not good enough, butI know I can push him to be a
better man.
That's something you can workthrough.
But if she says what are yourfuture goals?
Well, I've been arrested 14times, beat my last girl.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
You can't get through that.
Speaker 4 (12:35):
You're a career criminal.
The red flags are factualNegatives are something that can
be changed or altered with helpand application.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
I was going to say usually red flags.
You set yourself right foryourself.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
Correct.
So what would you try to workthrough it?
That's the one right there,brother, because what's the red
flag for one woman, it's not foranother woman, right?
So if you determine what a redflag is, why are?
You working, working through itright next question yeah cool,
we said all that shit, just fordelphi to come in and summarize
it in six words one-liner.
Speaker 3 (13:09):
I was trying to find what to say because, because it
was playing in my head, I'm likethat's what we talk about,
right, we talk about when you'rein it, you don't see it.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
What's obvious to you is not going to be obvious to
another Cause the same women.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
They'd be like girl.
I wouldn't stay as the same oneto get their ass whooped and
stay for multiple times and theywant to tell somebody else when
to leave.
Speaker 4 (13:28):
Next question is is it a waste of time to date a man
that's never been in acommitted relationship?
Basically, am I insane forthinking I'd be his first
successful one.
Speaker 3 (13:39):
I'd love to answer this.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
You can answer.
Please go ahead, because that'sme, that's you Exactly.
Is it a waste of time for awoman to date you, justin, I
would hope not, because thething is now.
Speaker 4 (13:52):
I will say this to the contrary, I'm playing the
devil's advocate.
Why has he never been in acommitted relationship?
Correct, where was his interest?
Where was his time beingallocated?
And if you can actually seethat and discern the truth
behind his answer, then you'llknow, cause if he's like oh well
, you know, I was, I was playingfootball.
Football players got time andopportunity and attention.
(14:12):
So what was he doing when hewasn't playing ball?
Cause, if he wasn't the top inhis class or if he wasn't the
four star, three star, five starrecruit, what was he doing?
But the thing is like, when youcan talk to a person and get to
know them and, as you talkedabout intuition, as a female's I
mean supernatural gift you knowif that's a good man or a bad
man, because it's binary.
You can't say, oh well, I meansometimes he's masculine,
(14:34):
sometimes he's not.
Like, monday through Fridayhe's good, but on the weekends
he wears a dress, what you know,it would be crazy.
So there's no flip-flopping,there's no gray area of that.
He's a good man, he's a bad man.
He's either going to give you agood relationship or he's not.
So don't try to like createsome new standard of well, maybe
I'm going to be the one.
If everything in his past hasbeen temporary for his fault?
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Yeah, for his fault.
So, going to your train ofthought, the answer to that
question is you never know whenyou're going to be the one if
you never take the shot.
Speaker 4 (15:08):
In a question is you'll never know when you're
going to be the one if you nevertake the shot, in a sense.
But also, before you even takethe shot, know the game, study
the plays, see who thischaracter is.
Because it's like if you gointo a game blind and you don't
know they run a 2-2-1 press andyou're expecting a triangle.
You're like uh-oh, new game.
So like see his past, see whyhe wasn't, and if the reason
makes sense and it was very um,logical reason as to why he
wasn't in a previous committedrelationship way different.
(15:30):
Or if he said you know, everygirl I talk to, I bring them
home to my mom and my momusually throws a flip flop at
them.
Ok, well, you're probably notgoing to be the next one and you
would be insane for thinkingit's going to work.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
The biggest thing that I tell women all the time
about dating and being the quote, unquote one is timing is
everything.
So I'll give you an example mywife right now.
So we met through a mutualfriend at a birthday party that
was not given at his house, butwhen he was giving parties at
his house.
We were in the same place for10 years, like so.
(16:01):
We would be at his parties over10 years.
I'd be upstairs playing cards,she'd be downstairs dancing,
having drinks, whatever.
We didn't meet.
As a matter of fact, we were ata party a New Year's Eve party
that was not at his house at aspot in Atlanta, and dance back
to back with each other.
And the reason why I say wewere, the reason we know we
dance back to back with eachother, is because we knew each
other's exes and we saw them atthat party Right.
(16:24):
So we had to dance back to backbecause I was like, wait a
minute.
I saw him and she was like ohyeah, I saw her so we're back to
back, which is why we didn'tsee each other 10 years.
We didn't meet until we met, ifthat makes perfect sense,
absolutely yeah.
She saw me two weeks beforethat actual meeting at another
event.
We connected that night.
We've been together 20 yearssince then.
(16:44):
Timing is everything because,had we met earlier, we were not
ready for each other.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
Correct, but this is what I would say For a man under
25 who's never been in acommitted relationship, it's not
so much a red flag, correctOver 25, 35, 40.
40.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
Well, so let's stay in that bracket 56.
Let's stay in that bracket.
Hopefully these young women arenot dating 40, 50-year-olds,
right.
Speaker 3 (17:11):
Oh, it's a thing.
Yes, I might Trust me.
Don't put it past them.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Ah shit, that's another podcast.
Okay, right, I'm just saying Ifa man is 25, let's not go to 35
.
You're saying 25?
To 30.
To 30, and he's never been in acommitted relationship.
It's a little bit of a red flagfor me.
Okay, because, um, but whatabout the reason?
What about?
Speaker 4 (17:31):
what do you say?
Because I even kind of gave myown boundary of like I don't
want to have a girlfriend untilI'm probably 26 to 28.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
You're a unicorn right because you focus
somewhere else.
But most of us-olds have beenin at least a couple
relationships Serious, Easy.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Yeah, you have an exceptional drive and focus that
the average person, your age,has Not common.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
Yeah, so what I would say to the ladies?
I'm going back to conversations, intentional conversations, so
thinking to get something out ofit right for yourself.
Over 25, hitting 30, never hada serious relationship and you
just around Hitting the clubs.
Yeah, Come on, there's a reason.
There's a reason for it.
(18:17):
Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
So yeah.
So then, to answer that younglady's question, if that's the
reason and he's never been in arelationship, because maybe he
runs away as soon as he getsvery serious relationship,
because maybe he runs away assoon as he gets very serious, he
takes off.
He's got mommy issues.
Yeah, you might be insane tothink you're going to be the one
, especially if there's noconversations around that.
Facts Okay.
But if there's a reason andthat person can articulate those
(18:40):
reasons, I get that all thetime too yeah.
And the person answers it, andyou go, that's logical.
Now, don't think I'm about tochange that.
Speaker 4 (18:47):
Don't do that.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
That's the worst thing you can do, right?
So if a woman asks him thisquestion, right, and they say
that to him, he goes not for atleast another four years.
In the back of her mind.
She's thinking I'm going tochange that, we're going to date
, but I'm going to change that.
Even if it works and you endfor it, At least put some blame
(19:11):
on you, because he's like I hada plan, I had a goal, and now
it's different.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
What I would tell women if they really want to
know the answer to certainquestions as opposed to asking.
They will tell you the truth inconversations.
Instead of straight up asking,oh why haven't you had a
girlfriend?
They can tell you anything.
Up ask, oh why, I mean, you hada girlfriend.
They could tell you anything.
But if you hold them to aserious conversation, they will
tell you the truth before evenwould I even ask.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
That is, that is a refined art.
I don't know exactly whatyou're saying.
Don't ask question directly.
You could ask why.
But the more you talk to them,and even if you just understand
their philosophy on life, onrelationships, come on, you
could be watching a movietogether and watch certain
things and ask them what theirtake is on it.
Maybe you, you read a book, yourecommend that book to that
person.
(19:51):
Hopefully they'll read it orthey'll listen to it or whatever
, right, and then you see whattheir take is.
It tells you everything aboutthem.
It tells you so much more aboutthem and that's a great point
and I hope, ladies, as you'relistening to this, it makes so
much sense, you know.
So I got a question.
Ask without asking.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
But yes, since we are OGs and we dated differently
than what you guys date now fromher question, how could she get
that answer?
It appears to me that you guysdo more texting than talking.
Speaker 4 (20:21):
I mean I'm like an old soul trapped in a young body
, like I'm very direct, I gettold basically on every date
this feels like an interrogation.
I'm like good because questionsbeing clarity clarity brings
confidence.
So I feel like questioning hasto happen for anything else to
take off from there.
So you think that might be oneof the reasons why you haven't
had a serious relationshipeither is because Questioning
and I figure out who they arebefore they need to show me Two
(20:41):
questions, reveals every girl,to me at least, is I say Are you
about to tell them?
Oh, is I say Are you about totell them?
Oh, should I give it to them?
No, that's on the Patreon.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
That's paid for, that's in the after hours.
What are your two questions?
Let's give them somethingspecial.
Manhood matters special.
What are your two questions?
Speaker 4 (20:55):
And they can reverse this on the guys, because I go
number one what defines ahealthy relationship to you and
what defines a toxicrelationship?
Because shows me how she wasraised, that shows me her
parents, that shows me theirprinciples, that shows me how
thorough she is in her answers,because that's a deep question
and women can use the exact samequestion on the guy they can
ask them and if that guy answersin two sentences, come on yeah,
(21:16):
and let's talk behind it yeah,unless he has some profound
answer in two sentences.
That's very rare.
And the second thing I said Isay is give me five words to
describe your closest friends,because your friends make up you
.
You're an average of the fiveclosest people to you.
It's a cliche, because then,like, if a girl asked me that or
I'll be like how are your?
I actually this is my thirdquestion another boom bomb, drop
(21:38):
, right.
I say how many of your friendsaren't in relationships?
Because when they ask me thatquestion, I'm like my friends
are 30, they're married.
I mean, you like everybody gota partner.
Your friends are 50 year olds,right, that's the thing.
Like all my mentors are 40 plusand all these guys got wives
and three kids and they've beenhappily married, like.
And then they're like well, whyaren't you?
(21:59):
And then I get my reasoning andthey're like I'm 22, I'm still
a baby.
But the same thing is like theysay same mindset mindset though.
Yeah, they definitelyunderstand where I'm coming from
because they know I'm notfriends with a bunch of the frat
boys.
I'm friends with the athletes,but my athletes are like stuck
in Bible study and playing ball,so it's like everybody I hang
(22:19):
around is an influence or aninspiration to many.
How could I all of a sudden bethe be the darkness?
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Great questions.
Those are three awesomequestions, very, very insightful
.
You're not going to get somesurface level bullshit Camp.
You're going to get, or you'regoing to find, one or two things
about them.
Either they're you know,they're adept to that person and
they can answer the question,or they're just stupid, stupid.
Speaker 4 (22:42):
Keep it blunt man.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
They say certain things you're like what the fuck
?
Speaker 2 (22:45):
That didn't even touch the question that I asked,
that's when I asked for thebell real quick, so that's where
I was going.
Are these conversations even?
Speaker 4 (22:53):
happening.
I can only speak from myexperience, because I know other
dudes are taking them to thedive bar or the coffee shop.
I don't do that, I'm finedining.
I'm going to invite you out,tell you the dress code, tell
you the time more than likelyget flowers, depending on how
our texting or call went,because I'm always going to call
you before I see you, becauseif you don't have enough
intelligence, you're not goingto get my attention.
(23:17):
So you pass the piss test, allright, well now let's meet in
person.
I'm going to see your etiquette, I'm going to see your manners,
I'm going to ask you questions,I'm going to see how you treat
the service workers.
I'm going to see if.
I'm going to see if you eventry to split the bill, like
cause.
I'm very traditional in my way,so like I do everything in the
old school way of how it shouldbe done, so I can only say, like
these conversations are alwaysheld for me First time I meet
you, and that's probably whatturns me away from a lot of
(23:39):
women.
That could have been goodquality, cause from the outside
they look good, but from theinside it's ugly.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
So your so your so your boys.
Their their dating is different, right?
So what is their datingexperience like, I mean?
So what I'm trying to get tojust is are these conversations
the questions that we're beingasked?
Are these conversationsactually happening or are these
just curiosities?
not for the average man my ageno, thankfully I ain't dated in
(24:04):
20 years and all I hear about ispeople sliding in each other's
dms and all of this and I'm justlike, well, okay, y'all having
conversation through text, wherea lot of the conversation can
be misconstrued.
You don't have no emotion, notone, no context.
Y'all using emojis, y'all usingyou know that's where, that's
(24:25):
where the emotion comes in, orall caps, and it's like the
emotion is an emoji, yeah right.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
The emotion is an emoji or all caps, or this, that
and the other, oh my god.
And there's no context to it.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
There you see the exclamation point Right, leo?
Not only those conversationsNot happening.
When they do happen, they'renot even full words, right, or
full sentences, it's slang.
Speaker 4 (24:44):
Slanglish slang slanglish.
Speaker 3 (24:45):
All right, what you doing w-i-d.
Speaker 4 (24:47):
Yes look what and this is my number one flag like
because, because you guysprobably heard of snapchat at
least like yes, if a woman hassnapchat.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
You mean, we know what snapchat is, just making
sure, I can't.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
We're not that old you probably heard of that you
hey, guess what?
Speaker 3 (25:03):
hey guess what.
He's not wrong.
I only heard of it.
I never used it.
I've never used it.
Speaker 4 (25:08):
I've never used it there we go.
That's like what my generationwas growing up on Snapchat,
right.
So if a woman even has Snapchatdone, reason why is because
it's a bunch of pictures of halfyour face mirror pictures,
bikini pictures, random stuff.
They communicate not even withwords, with pictures.
(25:28):
That's crazy.
Just to keep a streak numbergoing saying I've talked to him
for 57 days, but what did youactually talk about?
Because, to my point and thisis the thing that I know I have
guaranteed wisdom on the factthat these conversations aren't
happening, for my age anddemographic is every woman
always goes.
I've never been asked that Icould imagine, so let's hear you
answer.
And they, they're like.
Well, I need to think no rush,we got a meal, think it's on.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (25:52):
We're not going nowhere, even through text, like
when I'm vetting a girl out andqualifying her and asking her
you know, are you in school,what all do you study?
Or what do you currently do?
When I ask just what are youlooking like, what is your
intention?
When I ask these through text,they're already like oh, he's
(26:12):
different.
But then they get in personit's like oh, this wasn't chat
gpt, like right, he's real dealjust coming up with questions
because he cares exactly yes,sir.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Why the hell was the question again?
Speaker 4 (26:20):
the question was is it a waste of time?
Today, the man has never beenin a committed relationship we
covered that.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
We just went somewhere else we covered that,
but we're we derailed.
The way we derailed it wasbecause I wanted to know right,
oh, you started interviewingjustin.
Yeah, I just, I had a questionwith him because, you know, I'm
like these are questions andthey're great questions they are
, but I'm like are these youngwomen asking in person?
(26:47):
Are these conversations being?
Speaker 4 (26:50):
had.
And I'll say this too thishappens so much that I literally
have to put a rule out there.
Before I even ask my firstquestion to these girls, I go
we're not playing Uno, there'sno reverse.
You are not going to copy andpaste my question, because I'm
going to see their intellect,because if they just take what I
say and ask it back, it's agreat question.
What about you?
I'm like, oh my God.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
So yeah, I heard this one before.
Speaker 4 (27:12):
But like when I say you have to create your own
question, when I see how curiousshe truly is.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Before we move on because we are moving on I just
want to ask this one question.
Earlier, when Leon wasinterviewing you, he asked one
of those questions and youbasically said you want to see
how she is on the date.
And you mentioned one thing andI don't want it to be
misinterpreted, so hopefully,when I lose someone, I want to
go back to it.
You said you want to see if shewould offer to split the bill.
What are you expecting?
(27:36):
Never Exactly, thank you.
Speaker 4 (27:39):
And a lot of them will even offer on like a
dessert because they're like oh,you pay for dinner, Let me pay
for like dessert and go get icecream.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
even to that I'm like my grandfather always taught me
, they don't touch a bill, theydon't touch a door.
Speaker 4 (27:53):
There you go, I like that.
Next question.
Okay, next question very short.
One says are daddy issues areal thing?
Speaker 3 (27:58):
hell yeah, hell yeah that's absolutely hell.
Speaker 4 (28:01):
Yeah, next question we don't we gotta dive into that
one next question yeah, theyshould have asked more.
It's a real thing god damnwe're.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
we're not elaborating a little bit?
No, we don't need to.
No.
Speaker 2 (28:10):
No, you do, Because they don't even know what daddy
issues are Now.
Speaker 4 (28:14):
this is what we should do.
Are daddy issues a real thing?
How do you identify and how doyou solve them?
Speaker 3 (28:23):
Yes, a little younger than I am.
I get a lot of people youngergirls come into me.
Obviously, I don't wear a ringall the time because I'm
allergic to most metal.
Uh-huh, yeah, no, for real.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (28:36):
I even tried the silicone one.
They don't work.
Yeah, it stinks.
So, I got to approach and Itell them there's nothing I
could do for you, I'm a marriedman.
Them there's nothing I could dofor you, I'm a married man,
they won't give up.
Speaker 4 (28:47):
No, because it's a shortage.
If they see the ring, they'regoing to try even harder,
actually, right?
Speaker 1 (28:51):
that's the thing.
You look more like you're 34,so because of that, they figure
I do want a more mature man, onethat's like 10 years older than
me.
I'm 23, so he's 33, let's go.
And you're like no, I'm 48.
They're like, well, shit, youlook 33 and and and what's crazy
about it too, is like a lot ofmen would rather approach a
woman when they know there's adaddy issue, when there's a
there's been a father presentthat's raised them a certain way
(29:13):
.
It all depends right if they'retrying to take advantage of her.
She's easier, much easiertarget if her daddy wasn't in
her life or hasn't spent thetime to talk to her and teach
her certain things.
Daddy issues are real.
Speaker 2 (29:26):
Which is the question ?
Um, they can be good, good andbad.
Yes, you could be, you can.
You can have a man that canlove you, treat you well and do
the things that you need, butbecause you are comparing him to
your father, who may be abetter man, you don't end up
with a man because you devaluethis one.
I see what you see what I'msaying, yeah you ain't my daddy,
(29:47):
so you ain't good enough for me.
And there's a, and we are.
We set a hell of a bar is whatI'm saying so yes, but there is
a lot of young men, which is whyI mentor correct, because they
cannot or do not have what wehave inside of us, right and so
because that standard, a womanmay step away or push that man
(30:10):
aside because he doesn't measureup to us.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
I mean look, a young man approaches one of my
daughters, says hello.
Can't look her in the eyes,looking down, can't say a full
sentence.
They're going to eat you alivethose girls.
Yes, I'll tear your ass up andnot even be mean.
Yes, they're still sweet andmotherly about it, but they're
gonna destroy you.
Oh, absolutely right.
So then, like to your point,that's why you mentor, because
(30:34):
there's a shortage, yes, ofpeople like that is short of
good men, but there's a shortageof just men, period.
Because they were never made tobe men, because they were never
shown how and we'll talk aboutthat part in the mentoring piece
.
Speaker 2 (30:45):
but yeah, but I just wanted to talk about daddy
issues.
I mean, yes, they exist.
Sometimes you can set the bartoo high, sometimes you can set
the bar too low and bring issuesfrom childhood into a
relationship.
So yes, they are real.
Speaker 4 (31:01):
I think the statistic is 54% of couples get divorced
or married couples get divorced,which is at a height in our
generation to where my datingpool, or at least like the
sexual marketplace, is destroyedby daddy issues, and I mean
destroyed I believe it like.
When I hear a girl even has boththeir parents in her life, I'm
like, wow, you are a unicornyourself.
Yes, but this is the thing,that the effect, because that's
(31:23):
the cause of where they end up,because now it's like what I
call it.
These girls look for like aliteral spiritual spanking.
They've never been told.
No, they never get told whereto go, when, when a threat
appears.
They never.
They don't have that.
So it's like they go around allthese men for like physical
satisfaction.
But the second they find oneman that does it spiritually or
(31:43):
mentally.
Now they're hooked.
Now they're like, oh, even ifhe is abusive, they don't care,
they look past it becausethey've never felt the spiritual
satisfaction of like being led.
It's not even just a providedfor, it's not just the protected
, it's all aspects coming fromone person.
Speaker 2 (31:58):
He's feeding a different aspect of their, of
their spirit yes, absolutely.
Speaker 4 (32:02):
Next question is it realistic to think a man would
date me as a single mom and hedoesn't have any children?
Speaker 2 (32:10):
yeah, well, obviously that's a yes, because a lot of
that is happening.
For me it was a deal breaker,because I did not want to be.
I didn't want to be the fatherof someone else's child and I
did not want to break thischild's heart because I was.
I had no intention of beingwith the mother long term.
I did it one time, and what Imean by that is I met the child.
(32:34):
It wasn't where we had anongoing relationship and if you
brought that upon me too soon,that was a deal breaker for me,
because I'm like you don't evenknow me, you don't know what I
could do to this child and thefact that you're doing it with
me led me to think you weredoing it with others and the
damage as you, as we talkedabout that you're inflicting on
this child, you have no idea.
(32:55):
You're creating trauma and Iknow there are dudes who will
take that on.
You know, but if I meet a womanand she's got two, three baby
daddies I'm not being daddynumber four.
If a woman told me, yeah, I gota child, but you ain't never
going to meet it, we dapping up,love it, love it.
And the reason why is becausethat means you have enough
(33:15):
respect for that child to say,until I vet this Negro out, he
don't meet you.
That's a woman that I can haverespect for and I'm like you
know what.
Okay, maybe we can see wherethis can go and I might consider
it longer.
The question is.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Is it realistic to expect that a man with no kids
would date you?
Speaker 3 (33:33):
yeah right, it's not.
It's not unrealistic, it's notunrealistic.
Speaker 1 (33:37):
But you shouldn't expect it and honestly you know
we wouldn't tell any of our sonsto date you.
Speaker 3 (33:41):
If you're single, you need to pretty much have your
shit together well another bigreason why I will say you have
to be in a real great mentalspace with yourself and the
father, because a lot of guy,the ego, will not let them allow
another guy to discipline theirson.
Sometimes it's the mother.
(34:01):
Well, you're not the father.
You can't discipline my son.
Okay, you're asking me to payfor everything for this person?
Oh, I can't discipline.
I'm not saying put my hand onyour son, cause I don't put my
hand on my own daughter, but Ihave to have a say I'm the man
in the house.
Speaker 1 (34:16):
I want to bring something up.
All these questions are relatedto relationships.
You're worried about bringingsomeone into your life.
You have a child.
Do you think it's realistic toexpect that that person that you
really want is going to want tobe in a relationship with you,
right?
So here's some advice that Igave to my daughter.
Ladies, listen to Uncle Steph.
This is really, really critical.
(34:37):
This goes back to what one ofmy boys, junior, on the last
podcast said.
He goes you worry about thewrong shit, all right.
So here's what I mean by that.
I want you to do this exercise.
It's a three-part exercise,okay.
Part one, since all thesequestions are about
relationships, I want you totake a piece of paper and write
down the perfect man for you andI don't mean surface level
(35:00):
bullshit, like really insightful.
Take time to think about it.
He's a gentleman, he's kind,you know he's altruistic.
Take time to think about it.
He's a gentleman, he's kind,you know he's altruistic.
He reads he's from a goodfamily.
He's healed from his trauma,whatever it may be.
Yes, there's a certain lookthat you want this person to
have.
So, yes, I want him to beattractive in that way, but
(35:20):
don't make that the mostimportant thing Right and have a
list of at least 20 things.
He's successful.
And have a list of at least 20things.
He's successful, he's ambitious, he's protective, he's a
follower of Christ, if thatmatters to you.
Two ways at least 20 things.
You can be extremely granularwith this.
Describe the perfect mate foryou.
Take time to do this.
(35:42):
I want you to do it now.
Pause the damn podcast, just goahead and write everything down
and then come back and listento the rest of this.
So, once you have your list,anything that you would want as
a woman that really makes sense.
He's a good husband, he's agood father, he's considerate
All these different things thattruly, truly matter to you.
He's loyal.
Now, once you have your list of20, I want you to look at that
(36:03):
list and know for sure, withabsolute certainty, I promise
you you're going to meet thatman.
So you talk about timing beforewhen you meet that person his
second part of the exercise whatabout you will be appealing and
attractive to that man?
Now answer the question.
This wasn't a rhetoricalquestion.
(36:25):
I want you to think about whatabout you is appealing and
attractive to that man.
Well then, answer the questionin the present tense, even
though it hasn't happened yet,right?
I want you to write this downin present tense and say I am
also attractive in the sensethat I take care of my body, I
take care of myself, I amsuccessful in my own right and
(36:46):
whatever success means to you.
By the way, when I say someoneis successful, I'm not talking
about this person, rich, right?
It's whatever they believe thatdefinition of success is, or
whatever you believe it is.
Are you ambitious?
Are you all the things youwanna be?
Are you basking in yourfeminine energy to where you
don't feel like you have to be aman, right?
Even though you're handlingthings by yourself, you write
all these things down.
(37:07):
That is what is going to makeyou appealing to that person.
So the third part of theexercise work on these things.
What's going to happen is whenyou run into that person and you
meet that person, that personis automatically attracted to
you in the same way and, by theway, you're going to meet about
(37:28):
10 of them that are exactly that, because that's what you
attract.
You've worked on yourself.
The question that I askedbefore was why would that person
be interested in someone likeyou?
This is why this is everythingthat you bring to the table and
not ones that I talk about.
Can you pay half the bills?
Speaker 4 (37:40):
the biggest thing is, like he said as well, it's
circumstantial.
If you're 40 plus, you'reprobably in the same boat as the
person that you're talking to.
They probably got a kid, grownup, birds out the nest, boom.
You're both good.
But the thing is, if you'reunder 30, which these women are
and you're looking for a man ofhigh value and you have a child
and you know he does not, well,now you're pushing.
I mean an uphill battle.
Speaker 1 (38:01):
You have homework to do and you need to worry about a
whole lot of things other thantrying to nab that person and
just get the person in your life.
It's realistic, but you got todo the work.
It's exactly you got to do thework.
Now again, like to your point,justin, you're mid thirties and
up, or whatever it is.
Kids are like 12, 13 years old.
You've already accomplished somuch, yeah.
Speaker 4 (38:28):
And any in the same boat.
It's a different story.
This is a lengthy one.
It says how do I set clearboundaries?
In my work field?
It's a male dominatedenvironment and I don't want to
come off as a snitch when theysay something inappropriate, or
I don't want them to seem like Ican't take a joke when I really
just don't like what they said.
Speaker 1 (38:35):
That's unfortunate that she's in that situation and
I will apologize for all menwho are just inappropriate in
ways, because you know thatthat's fucked up because again,
society in general, it, yeah, itfeels it, feels like she's
trapped in that environment.
So how do you set clearboundaries?
If you just happen to go outwith the team, you go out to
lunch and somethinginappropriate is said, I think
it's totally okay for you to sayit's not being a snitch, just
(38:57):
to be like, well, that was kindof weird or rude or
inappropriate, or whatever.
Say, use the words that you'refeeling at the time.
Let them know that.
Speaker 2 (39:04):
I was fucked up.
Don't do that.
Don't say that it was fucked up.
You can't do that.
Speaker 1 (39:07):
In a corporate setting.
Speaker 2 (39:08):
You can't say that.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
Oh no, no, Don't use that word.
Speaker 2 (39:11):
Okay, because we have to preface everything.
Remember this society right nowhas no filter.
Oh my God.
Speaker 1 (39:16):
None.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
Yeah, you were at lunch and we were all eating and
it was dinner and somebody saidsomething You'd be like Jim.
That was fucked up.
Now somebody's getting fired.
Speaker 1 (39:30):
Now you're sitting at HR, so no, but let them know
that you're uncomfortable withthat.
And this is more true of blackwomen than it's true of anyone
else.
In fact, it's quite theopposite with other ethnicities.
They've been silenced for solong, they've been oppressed for
so long.
It's just something that'sinnate, where they kind of feel
like they don't have a voice,they shouldn't speak because
they don't want to come off acertain way.
But I will tell you that youcan let the person know that at
(39:52):
that moment in time, whoever itis, or the supporters, everybody
else laughing at the joke, it'sinappropriate.
It's inappropriate man.
That is not cool.
But you know what?
I'm just going to remove myself.
If you say it just like that,any reasonable decent man is
going to be like okay, I wastrying to make a joke, but the
fact that she said she's goingto remove herself makes her real
uncomfortable.
That person, if they have anydecency to them, should come by
(40:15):
and apologize and say oh my bad,I didn't mean for that to be,
to come off that way, or I'm notgoing to do that again.
Speaker 2 (40:20):
What I would ask is that you would first gain
clarity into what's being saidby asking if it's offensive to
you.
What do you mean by that?
Unless it's obvious, to wherethey say hey, girl, you got a
fat booty, that's obvious.
But if it's something like acolloquialism, that is just kind
of an inappropriate, mistimedjoke, then give the person some
(40:43):
grace.
Unless this is something thatthey continually do, then you
might have a conversation withon the side and be like hey, you
seem to always makeinappropriate jokes.
I'm offended by it.
I'm not going to HR, but I'mletting you know and see if they
make a difference.
At first I was going to be like, dude, what are you doing?
Speaker 1 (40:59):
Because when you saw where you saw him going with
that because again you know thewhole thing about maybe you're
being too sensitive it's comesacross as offensive immediately,
right, because it's just like,oh wait, you're just being a
woman, you're being emotional,you're being sensitive.
So that's why, when you firstsaid it, I was like wait, what?
But I'm glad I let you finishyour point because you did say
just ask for clarity.
Because, there are certain jokesthat may not make sense to you,
(41:22):
regardless of the setting, andso if you ask what you mean by
that, it's one way to start.
Again, like you said, if it'ssuper obvious, you know what it
is and you know what theintentions are.
But yeah, there are some peoplewho are just obtuse.
Some dudes will make jokes, andsometimes it's not even the
person.
They say it because they'retrying to come off a certain way
in front of their friends,trying to be cool, cool, trying
to say certain things orwhatever it is.
(41:42):
They may not even mean it thatway or think that way, but it's
still.
If it's inappropriate, you needto go ahead and check it.
I don't think you should beafraid to do it.
Speaker 4 (41:48):
I think you should go ahead and check it, we agree,
yeah next one is not, I don'thave it, but it says what is
your opinion on staying for thekids in an unhappy situation?
I got a good one, yeah, y'all.
Two guys, yeah, all right, Iactually have.
I have a good one.
Ding, ding, ding.
Yeah, y'all two guys.
Speaker 1 (42:03):
Yeah, alright, I actually have.
I have a good one for this also.
So initially I'm gonna say whatI think most sensible people
would say is you should not.
You should never stay in arelationship just because of the
children, because inevitablythey will suffer more.
The relationship will be toxic.
Kids are not stupid.
They can read through that.
Now, if you're one of myfriends who I know is very, very
(42:24):
smart and he and his wifedecided to make it work no
matter what, even though they'renot happy, that's your personal
choice.
I still think it's the wrongway to approach it.
I was talking to a friend yearsago, right, I was going through
my thing and my own issues in myrelationship on my way to get a
divorce, and he and I were justkind of talking about the same
thing.
He was going through the samething as well, and we got on the
(42:46):
subject of children, whether ornot we should stay in this
relationship, and of course, thekids came up like, hey, man,
you know we should, because Ihad already been married and I
left a relationship that Istayed in way way, way too long
because of my children.
So when I got to this situation, I was like you know, we
shouldn't repeat this samemistake.
And I said you know what?
Hey, bro, children are not areason for people to stay
(43:09):
together.
And his response to me and itwas deeper, it's going to sound
really simple, but it was asimple question that made me
really really think.
He goes well, steph, ifchildren are not a reason for
people to fight through amarriage and stay together, what
is?
And it stopped me dead in mytracks.
I thought about it because hemade me stop, ponder and kind of
change my mind about things.
(43:29):
And then I went, because I putso much thought into it, went
back to say still not a reason.
I went back to my, not becauseI wanted to be right, but
because, again, I did considerboth.
Speaker 2 (43:45):
At the end of the day , the kid will be more damaged
long term if you're staying forthe sake of the children.
The best thing that happened tome in my childhood was my
parents divorcing on orseparating.
December 26th 1976 best thingthat ever happened to me.
Yeah, and it's because of whendid you realize that?
I realized it?
Probably maybe six years later.
Probably probably when I waslike 12, 13 years old.
I was probably about 10, 11years old, ok, and the reason
(44:08):
why I realized it then wasbecause the only time that they
fought it was because of me.
All of the marital shit is outthe way.
So my mom didn't put my dad onchild support.
It was OK, I'm not going to tryto break you, I don't want
anything from you, I'm nottaking out none of that.
You got your own house, we'removing, but you're going to take
(44:28):
care of him.
So their only argument at thatpoint was me was you going to
pick him up from school at thistime?
If not, yada, yada, or you know, you're going to pay his
tuition, and so it was thosetype things.
So as I grew up and then Istarted having my own
relationships, I was like theywere never going to work
(44:48):
together Rather than to be inthat household where they like
this.
I was before it, right.
I always had a sanctuary,because when one, I could go to
one house or the other, becauseit was a co-parenting situation,
right.
So there was times where I justneeded to get away from her and
it was times where I justneeded to get away from him, so
(45:09):
I had two places to go.
That, for me, ended up being abetter situation than them
trying to stay.
Speaker 1 (45:17):
I've heard several success stories, too, from
people that I follow.
You know ET's one, you knowEric Thomas.
There's another gentleman I waslistening to the podcast where
he became a big time NFL player,and the name escapes me, but
anyway, he was, you know.
And they both talk about thesame thing the separation of the
parents is what made them whothey became, whether it's
(45:39):
through adversity, whether itwas through just having to fend
for themselves, whatever it mayhave been, but it made them
better.
It may take a while for you torealize that, but my view on it
is unshakable.
Definitely consider the kidsfor sure, because that's
something that you guys gottogether.
You made a decision, you made acommitment.
(45:59):
If you can make it work,absolutely, commitment If you
can make it work absolutely.
But if the sole reason is well,we have children, we need to
stay together for the children.
Speaker 2 (46:11):
You're not doing them any.
You're not doing them a favor.
Yeah, yeah, I mean and you knowwe were, if you remember, on
Saturday one of the things thatone of the questions we told the
kids to ask is why is itimportant for you to have peace
at home and peace in school?
I've always told people I can'tcontrol the outside world.
You go to the outside world.
All hell is breaking loose,it's chaotic, right.
So there has to be some placethat you find peace.
(46:35):
And if you can't find it athome, then where do you go?
Yeah, so if you're growing upin a household or you're living
in a household where there's abunch of fighting with parents
and stuff like that, that istraumatic for a kid because they
can't control the outside world, they should at least have one
place they go to find peace.
Speaker 1 (46:54):
Well, let's go to the extreme example, right.
Let's say you have two verycivilized people who decide to
stay together for the kids andthey are not fighting.
Are the kids blind to the factthat there is no love between
you two?
You know what I mean.
Is that good for them?
Speaker 2 (47:07):
No, it's harder for you to leave than it is on the
kids.
I'll put it that way.
Speaker 3 (47:11):
Yeah, what you're trying to fix is probably going
to damage the most.
Speaker 1 (47:15):
Yeah, and by the time you realize that you're going
to be so pissed that you spentanother five, 10 years, 15 years
in something that inevitablywas going to break Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (47:25):
And possibly missed your opportunity to be with the
person that you were meant to bewith Correct.
Speaker 3 (47:29):
Yeah, leave and create in two beautiful spaces
for them.
I think that's better.
Speaker 4 (47:34):
Last question is do you think a DNA test should be
standard slash, mandatory forunmarried couples, and why?
Hell yeah, yes.
Speaker 1 (47:44):
We already answered that we already answered that,
yeah yeah, I think you should.
I think it creates a peace ofmind.
Uh, just just for yourself,because, again, if you're a
traditional person living inwestern society, eventually the
goal is you're getting married.
You're not there yet.
You kind of did things out oforder a little bit.
(48:05):
So since you're doing thingsout of order, there's a
possibility that there was chaosin that order and you might
want to go ahead and just goahead and get it checked.
So my reason to just would befor you to know.
Number one, and because,overall, there's been so, many,
so many people put on childsupport who found out later on,
on the 18th birthday, that it'snot their kid.
If it doesn't work out betweenyou, you don't have to question
(48:27):
that.
Here's your responsibility,because a lot of dudes, what
happens, too, is like, once theyget hit with those papers, the
first thing they start to do isquestion things that they should
have questioned way before.
Speaker 2 (48:36):
Now you want to question.
They may have questioned it,they just didn't want to know
the answer.
Speaker 1 (48:47):
Yeah, just didn't want to know the answer.
Yeah, and now that we're notworking out, well you know, put
the pressure on her, it just, itjust automatically just takes
it away, just takes it out ofplay and if it's mandatory, it
doesn't make anyoneuncomfortable.
Speaker 3 (48:52):
And I don't know, I don't know what, in what context
she asked the question, but, uh, I kind of like it coming from
a woman.
Well, it happened to.
My brother was an.
He's a nurse.
He almost lost his licensebecause of a glitch in the
system.
You start getting paperwork.
It was pain and pain and painand one day he received a letter
.
You, in a rear, such and suchamount, showed up in court and
the girl was there.
They both received, receivedpaperwork.
(49:13):
Make it so short.
They cancel everything becauseshe didn't want that to begin
with right but he almost losthis license because he missed
the glitch in the system so hemissed a few payment.
He was going to lose hisnursing license and then to find
out later, he's not even a dadman.
Speaker 1 (49:32):
Listen, I think these tests in any relationship
should be mandatory.
So what you want to do is youwant to contact onsitelabsnet,
that's O-N-S-i-t-e-l-a-b-snet,whether you need a paternity
prenatal, or if you just havesome questions regarding dna or
(49:54):
genetics testing, just give thema call at 833-878-3323 and
they'll to you.
This is not one of thoseinstances where you want to mess
around and not find out.
Speaker 2 (50:12):
So, Steph, you had the best solution to this that.
I've ever heard and that is atthe time of birth, to conduct a
DNA test on.
Speaker 3 (50:21):
If you're not married .
Speaker 2 (50:22):
Even if you are married.
Even if you are married, yeah,even if you are married, more so
if you are, I don't understandwhy that isn't standard, that
they conduct a DNA test when thebaby is born.
Speaker 1 (50:31):
Well, because I guess it's not standard because it
would be infringing on, I guessyour rights as a person, but if
we adopted that philosophy as asociety and just said that's
what we want.
Speaker 2 (50:45):
I think it should be done if I'm married?
I don't know.
I don't want it.
You don't want a dna testbecause you don't want to know
that she made no, not at all.
Speaker 3 (50:50):
Not just because if I'm married to a person, that's
just me.
If I don't trust you, we're noteven no, no, I mean so.
Speaker 2 (50:56):
So it's not an issue of trust, so it is an issue of
trust?
Speaker 3 (51:00):
because not.
If it's standard, no, but what?
Speaker 4 (51:02):
because you're not asking for it because it's
saying should the test bestandard and mandatory for
unmarried, unmarried couple?
That I'm 100% unmarried butthat's what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (51:10):
If we marry, because I don't want to bring the kid
into that situation.
That's my.
So would you leave?
So would you leave if I findout?
Speaker 1 (51:18):
yeah, um, I don't know.
That's an honest answer.
No, I don't know.
So if you found out that shehas stepped out from the
marriage 16 years ago and you'rehere today, relationship has
been amazing.
Speaker 3 (51:29):
Maybe there was a situation where something
happened and it wasn't even upto her, I see what you mean she
could never bring it up to me.
Speaker 1 (51:37):
I gotcha.
I saw a movie like that once.
Speaker 3 (51:39):
I have to give her that grace.
Speaker 1 (51:41):
Yeah, that's my wife, man I love what you guys have,
man.
We're gonna talk about this inthe next podcast because that's
so powerful.
That's such a powerful thingbecause the initial thing for
any man to say is I'm out.
But for you to kind of like sayit that way um, you know, your
reaction is let me pause.
Speaker 3 (51:57):
Let me pause.
That's why I don't mess withchicks.
Speaker 4 (51:59):
Yeah, but you're a real woman it's definitely like
a reflection of his reality,because when I hear it, my
reflection is like I've nevermet a great woman, so I'd easily
be like, oh yeah, right, noteven thinking about it.
But you're like, all I've hadis a great woman.
Speaker 3 (52:10):
So it's easy for you, absolutely.
Speaker 4 (52:12):
The other reason why I think it should be mandatory
is because, like, that's like ifI love my bloodline, if I love
my father, if I love mygrandfather, my mother, all the
gene pool that I have inside mybody.
And now I'm raising some randomJoe Schmoe's kid and I'm
(52:33):
wondering why my kid can'tbackpedal properly.
Speaker 3 (52:35):
I'm like where did the drop-off happen?
Speaker 4 (52:45):
But it's that thing.
It's like I'm a proud man ofwhere I come from in my
bloodline.
Legacy matters to you.
If I picked you to continuethat bloodline and you stepped
out and tried to deceive first,deception and betrayal like in
that book of Dante's Infernothat's breaking somebody's heart
.
Speaker 1 (52:55):
They actually did put a bonus question in there
though.
There's a bonus question.
Bonus.
We're about to wrap it up.
Let's hear the bonus question.
We're about to wrap it up.
Speaker 4 (53:01):
Let's hear the bonus question.
It said do you think a finalclosure talk is necessary after
ending a relationship?
I'm going to say I think itdepends on how it ended, Is she?
Speaker 2 (53:09):
cheated.
Close that door and don't letit hit you.
Don't let it hit you, baby.
Speaker 4 (53:13):
But anything else being mature.
If it ended because of travel,because of work, because of
disagreements amongst the familyor the wedding and the way that
was going to be.
There's so many different, it'sso controversial as far as like
the different circumstances.
But I'm going to say if youended maturely, it should stay
that.
If you ended because someonewas not mature, when two people
(53:33):
argue it's hard to tell who'sthe fool right.
So if you're going to befoolish, I'm going to let you
stay those ways and keep mypeace For me.
Speaker 2 (53:39):
me and my wife differ on this because we've had this
conversation before.
She was like it's on you to getclosure is what her saying is.
It's not for me to give it.
I can feel that.
Speaker 1 (53:51):
I actually agree with her.
Speaker 2 (53:52):
I do too.
I do too, and you know, but atthe same time, I'm not a person
that lives in ambiguity, but Ithink I at least owe you the
courtesy of hey, this is overfor me, I'm going to keep it
pushing, you know.
Speaker 1 (54:05):
Good luck I actually think that the best answer to
that question was given by awoman who's actually not here,
which is your wife, and theanswer is you know, nobody owes
you closure.
It's on you to get it.
There is not necessarily goingto be a conversation about like
an exit interview as to why thisdidn't work out Right Right.
It is conversation about likean exit interview as to why this
didn't work out right right.
It is what it is now the person.
(54:26):
Then you've ended up.
You know you left on a reallygood terms, like you said.
The maturity is there and youguys want to just talk about.
I think to me, the only reasonyou'd even have that
conversation is how can I growfrom this?
What can I learn, what I can Itake with me so I'm better for
myself and for the next partnerthat I have, and how can you be
better for the next partner thatyou have?
And kind of go from there, butabsolutely don't hold a person
(54:50):
to it and think that they owethat to you.
Also, be careful not to slipback into the relationship.
Speaker 3 (54:55):
I was about to say Usually that's what happens.
Speaker 1 (54:57):
You know usually because you know next thing, you
know you're talking about girlsand you're like well, you know,
you ain't so bad man now thatyou now that we talked it out,
finally, because that's how weended in the first place is that
what I've been looking for thewhole time.
Speaker 3 (55:09):
That's all you had to say just go ahead and move on,
man that's so good I'm glad theyhad that as a bonus, because it
was a good bonus question forsure all right, good deal.
Speaker 1 (55:21):
I want to send a big thank you to the ladies who sent
in their questions and I hopeit wasn't just curiosity but a
genuine need to get someoneelse's perspective to help you
grow.
Now remember we are real menhaving real conversations.
If you're having an issue,something physical or mental,
(55:44):
definitely contact a licensedprofessional.
I want to thank my co-hosts,leon, justin and Delva, and if
you guys really enjoyed theepisode, if it helped you at all
, please share it with at leastone friend.
Thanks again for tuning in.
We'll catch you guys nextMonday when we discuss whether
(56:06):
or not men can truly be faithfulin a relationship.
Can we be monogamous?
I'll see you next week.
Let's go to the extreme example, right.
Let's say you have two verycivilized people who decide to
stay together for the kids andthey are not fighting.
Are the kids blind to the factthat there is no love between
you two?
You know what I mean.
Is that good for them?
Speaker 2 (00:13):
It's harder for you to leave than it is on the kids.
I'll put it that way.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
Yeah, what you're trying to fix is probably going
to damage the most.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
Yeah, and by the time you realize that you're going
to be so pissed that you spentanother five, 10 years, 15 years
in something that inevitablywas going to break.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
And possibly missed your opportunity to be with the
person that you were meant to beCorrect.
Speaker 3 (00:34):
Yeah, leave and create in two beautiful spaces.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
I'm not going to lie.
I'm really excited abouttoday's episode where we answer
questions from young women.
This is the third of athree-part series.
I've got my boys here with me.
We're ready to roll Now.
If this is your first timechecking us out, please hit the
follow button so you can benotified every time we release
(01:00):
an episode.
Welcome to Manhood Matters.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Let's get right to it .
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Oh man, this is.
This was good.
So we are back.
We are in the living room.
We're here with Leon Cohen,delva Michelle and Justin
Bradford.
We're going to speak to youguys and answer some questions.
These women just sent in theirquestions and we're going to
answer with as much wisdom,experience and grace as possible
(01:40):
.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
By the way, ladies, thank you.
Yeah, for real, for real.
We provide the necessaryinsight you need to get what you
want out of it.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Thank you for reaching out, thank you for just
being open and vulnerable andwanting to learn and wanting to
be better.
Speaker 4 (01:53):
So, with all that said, I'll pass it back to
Justin so the question is do youthink double standards are a
good or bad thing?
Hypocrisy?
I would definitely say it's abad thing.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
Well, it all depends.
To me, it depends on what it isthat is a double standard.
So, for instance, my son is 19.
He's six feet tall.
He's got two of his buddies andthey are going to the corner
store at 11 o'clock at night.
I'm not as worried.
My daughter wants to do theexact same thing.
She's five one and a quarter.
It's different for me.
(02:28):
When people say there's adouble standard, I think the
person they're referring to isanything you can do.
I can do it as well.
That's true intellectually, butas far as something that, to me
, is common sense, we're talkingsafety and someone who's
physically able to handlethemselves versus someone who's
not.
I sense we're talking safetyand someone who's physically
able to handle themselves versussomeone who's not.
Speaker 4 (02:49):
I would look at that a little bit different.
So I think it all depends onwhat is that we're talking about
.
Yeah, I think it'scircumstantial as far as if it's
good or if it's bad Cause theexample you use you use perfect,
it's bad Would not make senseto say, well, they can go, why
can't I go?
But then also there's going tobe like the point of your girl
saying, of your girl saying,well, you know, you can go out
and have your cigar night withyour guys and go to the cigar
lounge, why can't I go out tothe club and party with my girls
?
And you're like two differentthings.
(03:09):
But in her mind she's going tocategorize it at the same and
say, well, now you're being ahypocrite or now you're being
unfair and you're doing onething but won't allow me to do
the same thing, when in realitywe know intentions are much
different for that circumstance.
So I think it's circumstantial,but I think for the most part I
mean they're a bad thing to sayeverything you can do, I can do
.
Yeah, beau, you want to sayLeon?
Speaker 2 (03:30):
I 100% agree on double standards.
So I gave you the Bible premisewhere we weren't born.
Equally, you said the E word.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Yeah we weren't?
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yeah, we were.
There are a couple of E words.
I want to touch on another onein a minute, but go ahead.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Yeah, we weren't born to be equal.
So there are parameters, thereare provisions in life where
double standards exist.
I mean, and the more we try toequate equality, the further we
get apart in our purposes andgetting on roles and being able
to get along.
Because as long as two peoplefeel like there's an equal
(04:08):
balance to the relationship,then there's no need for the
other.
Because who's in charge Onteams and business?
Two alpha males don't make it.
Alpha male, alpha woman have ahard time coexisting.
Someone has to be able tosuppress or, as we said, submit
to the other.
So I'll give you the Obamas asthe example.
(04:29):
Michelle is just as dominant inthat relationship, it seems
from the outside, as Barack is,but what happens is she knows
when to submit, and so does he,and that's where the equality
comes from.
So one is not equal to theother, if that makes sense.
Speaker 4 (04:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
She's a wife.
She submits when she's supposedto submit.
He submits when he's supposedto submit and that's where the
balance comes in.
What happens?
In that?
I see where the problem comesin.
There's one person that alwayswants to win.
Speaker 4 (04:55):
But there's also healthy double standards.
It's like if she's pulling youcloser to God.
She's like I go to church at 9am, why can't you go to?
So like it's a circumstantialthing, is what I've kicked this
thing off with.
It's like there's so many.
I go to the gym.
Why can't you go to the gym?
Well, because that's thebetterment of us.
But yet again, if you're like ohwell, you can have female
friends, why can't I have malefriends?
Well, now I could be.
(05:28):
Yeah, and they were like.
They were like the fraternityto your sorority, like all those
different things, cause theseare younger girls.
It's like is it going to buildyou up or break you down If that
double standard is applied?
Cause you're going to build upyour family unit and keep them
safe.
If you tell your daughter don'tgo to the corner store.
But now, if you say theopposite, yeah, let's have the
double standard, you can go tothe corner store, cause he goes
to the.
Well, now, all of a sudden,there's kidnappings, there's
crazy things that happen, right,bingo.
So now it's you're breakingyour family apart because you're
jeopardizing the safety of oneanother because of your double
(05:51):
standard, so healthy and harmfulat the same time just depends
on the circumstance.
All right, next question can Ibe oh?
Speaker 2 (05:59):
you already know it's gonna be good yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
He said f and started laughing all right.
Speaker 4 (06:06):
Can I be a feminist?
There you go.
You still have a successfulrelationship with a man, or do I
have to pick one?
You pick one or pick none.
That's my answer I.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
I'm glad she actually said with a man, right, because
it all depends on what you'relooking for, because if you want
to be the man and in that sense, then yeah, it's gonna be tough
to have a relationship with areal man in the sense that we
understand what a real man is.
If by being a feminist you meanequal pay for equal work, I
agree with you.
You could be empowered, you canhave all of that and yet bask
(06:37):
in your feminine energy.
Speaker 3 (06:38):
I have a question Is there a blur line between
feminism and modern woman?
Speaker 4 (06:44):
Yes, modern woman is just a woman.
At this time, feminists can beeven back in the day, because
feminism to me means fightingfor equality.
And some, like people, can say,oh, modern women are horrible.
Oh, some women are good, likeyou're just saying it doesn't
have to be right, yeah, you'recategorizing the women of this
time period that are in thedating pool as opposed to
feminist could have existed in1930, but she just wasn't the
(07:06):
dominant group, so nobody paidher as much mind as nowadays
with social media.
If you're a feminist, you gosuper viral.
Now you have this big followingand now you're pushed out even
more.
Where were you going with it?
Speaker 3 (07:17):
I would say you have to pick one because, although
being a feminist is just by baredefinition is just fighting for
women's right, but fighting forthat right sometimes is blurred
with equality right.
So I'll give you a quickexample.
Right, I used to work at ups asa loader physical job me too.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
I did it for like okay three months.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
I also spent it three times so you guys know what I'm
talking about.
Yeah, yeah, we all we all threedid this, okay, so move, get
paid 21 an hour just likeeverybody else across the board
women, men, doesn't matter and Iget called by my supervisor,
after loading three trucks, togo help a lady whose package is
a little bit too heavy.
I'm like no, I'm not doing it,you, we want to be equal.
(08:01):
This is equality.
You fought for that.
Own it.
It's not that I didn't want tohelp the lady, but I'm not
getting paid anymore.
I'm already tired now.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Oh, no, it's too heavy for her that's the job
that she actually got, whichmeans she's qualified to
absolutely right and then shewas like you don't want to help
a woman?
Speaker 3 (08:18):
no, it's not that.
It's because on the applicationthey ask you can you lift 65
pounds or less?
Anything over 65, you need apartner, but if it's under 65,
we're good.
And you said yes, you get paidexactly the same amount of money
.
Let's equality be equality.
Or just tell me we're not equaland that we're good.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Absolutely.
There's nothing that.
I want you know, I've gotdaughters Right.
Want you know, I've gotdaughters right you know,
there's nothing that I that Idon't want for my girls.
There's no barrier that shouldbe close to them because they're
a woman.
That just shouldn't be the case, absolutely.
But there are certain physicalattributes no different than a
man decides to become a woman.
Now he goes and he startsboxing in a ufc and beating
(08:59):
women.
There's a reason he's dominating.
We have physical attributes,we're stronger, we're faster.
For the most part I'm beingvery generic here right, that's
kind of where our advantagestops.
We accept that role.
I don't particularly want to bethe one who runs towards danger
, but that's my job, that's myresponsibility.
If I'm protecting my family,that's what I do.
(09:19):
I don't sit there and debatewith my wife.
I don't think about that for asecond.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
It's my job to do that.
You're like baby, get himExactly.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
You don't let him do that to us.
Exactly, I'm over here I foughtthe last two, but the reality
is, if you understand that equalpay for equal work, et cetera,
absolutely and a real man wholoves and supports you is going
to agree there's no dispute hereand a real man who loves and
supports you is going to agree.
Speaker 4 (09:45):
There's no dispute here.
This one says how do Idetermine whether or not it's a
red flag or something negativethat we can work through?
Well?
Speaker 2 (09:52):
I am a believer in my instincts, right, and what I
mean by that is, if somethingsounds like a deal breaker for
me or is off, that I need somefurther explanation, for my
instincts usually don't steer mewrong, and I think where people
usually get into trouble iswhen they don't listen to their
instincts.
So it's a red flag for youbecause instinctually, you heard
(10:15):
something or felt somethingthat raised something or a
concern within you, but youchose to ignore it.
And then, when it happens, thenyou're like oh damn, I knew it.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
They have this amazing gift intuition.
I think theirs is even more intune than ours for the most part
, I agree, and if you choose tonot listen to that voice within
us, on you.
The biggest problem issometimes when they choose to
ignore.
It is simply because they thinkthey can change somebody.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
So it goes back to that old saying where it says
women marry a man expecting themto change, and a man marries a
woman hoping they don't.
Speaker 4 (10:45):
Yes, that's so good.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
That is so true so good, yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
Thinking back to the question and the way it was
formulated, I think you have tofirst determine what your
standards are.
Then, when you see somethingthat goes against those core
values and those principles,it's a red flag for a reason.
Don't think you're going towork through it Now.
You might want to give them oneopportunity to explain it,
because maybe you misinterpretedsomething.
So then you have thatdiscussion.
(11:11):
If the red flag persists andthey just tell you no, that's
just the way I am.
Or they're not telling you, butthey're showing you.
So let's give an example.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
I got some good ones.
Dude hits you and smacks youaround.
He's like baby, I'll never doit again.
Do it again.
Probably a red flag that youneed to pay attention to?
Most definitely Because he'sprobably going to knock your
head off the next time, butprobably worse because you
accepted that the fact that youeven stayed means that he's
allowed to do it again.
Correct Red flag as in oh, heleft the toilet seat up and
that's now how I subscribe, andI asked him not to do that.
(11:41):
Well, you might can.
Probably that's a workaround.
That's a yellow flag.
Speaker 4 (11:44):
That's a yellow flag, that's not a red flag Right?
Speaker 2 (11:47):
You know, like I said , I trust your instincts, but
also use some discernment.
I'm not going to say commonsense, because common sense
ain't common.
Use some discernment in what'sa red flag for you and a deal
breaker.
Speaker 4 (12:03):
To determine.
I kind of took this question ashow would I answer it myself
rather than just like seeing itfrom her side.
I said a red flag is somethingyou can't change, cannot yes,
factual, a yellow flag issomething you can change.
She's valued for her past.
I'm going to question her moreon her past, that she's probably
going to interrogate me on myfuture and a lot of my future.
Things can change.
So if she saw a yellow flag,which is a negative which we can
probably work through, she saidwhat are your career goals?
Xyz?
(12:23):
Ah, that's not good enough, butI know I can push him to be a
better man.
That's something you can workthrough.
But if she says what are yourfuture goals?
Well, I've been arrested 14times, beat my last girl.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
You can't get through that.
Speaker 4 (12:35):
You're a career criminal.
The red flags are factualNegatives are something that can
be changed or altered with helpand application.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
I was going to say usually red flags.
You set yourself right foryourself.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
Correct.
So what would you try to workthrough it?
That's the one right there,brother, because what's the red
flag for one woman, it's not foranother woman, right?
So if you determine what a redflag is, why are?
You working, working through itright next question yeah cool,
we said all that shit, just fordelphi to come in and summarize
it in six words one-liner.
Speaker 3 (13:09):
I was trying to find what to say because, because it
was playing in my head, I'm likethat's what we talk about,
right, we talk about when you'rein it, you don't see it.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
What's obvious to you is not going to be obvious to
another Cause the same women.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
They'd be like girl.
I wouldn't stay as the same oneto get their ass whooped and
stay for multiple times and theywant to tell somebody else when
to leave.
Speaker 4 (13:28):
Next question is is it a waste of time to date a man
that's never been in acommitted relationship?
Basically, am I insane forthinking I'd be his first
successful one.
Speaker 3 (13:39):
I'd love to answer this.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
You can answer.
Please go ahead, because that'sme, that's you Exactly.
Is it a waste of time for awoman to date you, justin, I
would hope not, because thething is now.
Speaker 4 (13:52):
I will say this to the contrary, I'm playing the
devil's advocate.
Why has he never been in acommitted relationship?
Correct, where was his interest?
Where was his time beingallocated?
And if you can actually seethat and discern the truth
behind his answer, then you'llknow, cause if he's like oh well
, you know, I was, I was playingfootball.
Football players got time andopportunity and attention.
(14:12):
So what was he doing when hewasn't playing ball?
Cause, if he wasn't the top inhis class or if he wasn't the
four star, three star, five starrecruit, what was he doing?
But the thing is like, when youcan talk to a person and get to
know them and, as you talkedabout intuition, as a female's I
mean supernatural gift you knowif that's a good man or a bad
man, because it's binary.
You can't say, oh well, I meansometimes he's masculine,
(14:34):
sometimes he's not.
Like, monday through Fridayhe's good, but on the weekends
he wears a dress, what you know,it would be crazy.
So there's no flip-flopping,there's no gray area of that.
He's a good man, he's a bad man.
He's either going to give you agood relationship or he's not.
So don't try to like createsome new standard of well, maybe
I'm going to be the one.
If everything in his past hasbeen temporary for his fault?
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Yeah, for his fault.
So, going to your train ofthought, the answer to that
question is you never know whenyou're going to be the one if
you never take the shot.
Speaker 4 (15:08):
In a question is you'll never know when you're
going to be the one if you nevertake the shot, in a sense.
But also, before you even takethe shot, know the game, study
the plays, see who thischaracter is.
Because it's like if you gointo a game blind and you don't
know they run a 2-2-1 press andyou're expecting a triangle.
You're like uh-oh, new game.
So like see his past, see whyhe wasn't, and if the reason
makes sense and it was very um,logical reason as to why he
wasn't in a previous committedrelationship way different.
(15:30):
Or if he said you know, everygirl I talk to, I bring them
home to my mom and my momusually throws a flip flop at
them.
Ok, well, you're probably notgoing to be the next one and you
would be insane for thinkingit's going to work.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
The biggest thing that I tell women all the time
about dating and being the quote, unquote one is timing is
everything.
So I'll give you an example mywife right now.
So we met through a mutualfriend at a birthday party that
was not given at his house, butwhen he was giving parties at
his house.
We were in the same place for10 years, like so.
(16:01):
We would be at his parties over10 years.
I'd be upstairs playing cards,she'd be downstairs dancing,
having drinks, whatever.
We didn't meet.
As a matter of fact, we were ata party a New Year's Eve party
that was not at his house at aspot in Atlanta, and dance back
to back with each other.
And the reason why I say wewere, the reason we know we
dance back to back with eachother, is because we knew each
other's exes and we saw them atthat party Right.
(16:24):
So we had to dance back to backbecause I was like, wait a
minute.
I saw him and she was like ohyeah, I saw her so we're back to
back, which is why we didn'tsee each other 10 years.
We didn't meet until we met, ifthat makes perfect sense,
absolutely yeah.
She saw me two weeks beforethat actual meeting at another
event.
We connected that night.
We've been together 20 yearssince then.
(16:44):
Timing is everything because,had we met earlier, we were not
ready for each other.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
Correct, but this is what I would say For a man under
25 who's never been in acommitted relationship, it's not
so much a red flag, correctOver 25, 35, 40.
40.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
Well, so let's stay in that bracket 56.
Let's stay in that bracket.
Hopefully these young women arenot dating 40, 50-year-olds,
right.
Speaker 3 (17:11):
Oh, it's a thing.
Yes, I might Trust me.
Don't put it past them.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Ah shit, that's another podcast.
Okay, right, I'm just saying Ifa man is 25, let's not go to 35
.
You're saying 25?
To 30.
To 30, and he's never been in acommitted relationship.
It's a little bit of a red flagfor me.
Okay, because, um, but whatabout the reason?
What about?
Speaker 4 (17:31):
what do you say?
Because I even kind of gave myown boundary of like I don't
want to have a girlfriend untilI'm probably 26 to 28.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
You're a unicorn right because you focus
somewhere else.
But most of us-olds have beenin at least a couple
relationships Serious, Easy.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Yeah, you have an exceptional drive and focus that
the average person, your age,has Not common.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
Yeah, so what I would say to the ladies?
I'm going back to conversations, intentional conversations, so
thinking to get something out ofit right for yourself.
Over 25, hitting 30, never hada serious relationship and you
just around Hitting the clubs.
Yeah, Come on, there's a reason.
There's a reason for it.
(18:17):
Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
So yeah.
So then, to answer that younglady's question, if that's the
reason and he's never been in arelationship, because maybe he
runs away as soon as he getsvery serious relationship,
because maybe he runs away assoon as he gets very serious, he
takes off.
He's got mommy issues.
Yeah, you might be insane tothink you're going to be the one
, especially if there's noconversations around that.
Facts Okay.
But if there's a reason andthat person can articulate those
(18:40):
reasons, I get that all thetime too yeah.
And the person answers it, andyou go, that's logical.
Now, don't think I'm about tochange that.
Speaker 4 (18:47):
Don't do that.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
That's the worst thing you can do, right?
So if a woman asks him thisquestion, right, and they say
that to him, he goes not for atleast another four years.
In the back of her mind.
She's thinking I'm going tochange that, we're going to date
, but I'm going to change that.
Even if it works and you endfor it, At least put some blame
(19:11):
on you, because he's like I hada plan, I had a goal, and now
it's different.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
What I would tell women if they really want to
know the answer to certainquestions as opposed to asking.
They will tell you the truth inconversations.
Instead of straight up asking,oh why haven't you had a
girlfriend?
They can tell you anything.
Up ask, oh why, I mean, you hada girlfriend.
They could tell you anything.
But if you hold them to aserious conversation, they will
tell you the truth before evenwould I even ask.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
That is, that is a refined art.
I don't know exactly whatyou're saying.
Don't ask question directly.
You could ask why.
But the more you talk to them,and even if you just understand
their philosophy on life, onrelationships, come on, you
could be watching a movietogether and watch certain
things and ask them what theirtake is on it.
Maybe you, you read a book, yourecommend that book to that
person.
(19:51):
Hopefully they'll read it orthey'll listen to it or whatever
, right, and then you see whattheir take is.
It tells you everything aboutthem.
It tells you so much more aboutthem and that's a great point
and I hope, ladies, as you'relistening to this, it makes so
much sense, you know.
So I got a question.
Ask without asking.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
But yes, since we are OGs and we dated differently
than what you guys date now fromher question, how could she get
that answer?
It appears to me that you guysdo more texting than talking.
Speaker 4 (20:21):
I mean I'm like an old soul trapped in a young body
, like I'm very direct, I gettold basically on every date
this feels like an interrogation.
I'm like good because questionsbeing clarity clarity brings
confidence.
So I feel like questioning hasto happen for anything else to
take off from there.
So you think that might be oneof the reasons why you haven't
had a serious relationshipeither is because Questioning
and I figure out who they arebefore they need to show me Two
(20:41):
questions, reveals every girl,to me at least, is I say Are you
about to tell them?
Oh, is I say Are you about totell them?
Oh, should I give it to them?
No, that's on the Patreon.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
That's paid for, that's in the after hours.
What are your two questions?
Let's give them somethingspecial.
Manhood matters special.
What are your two questions?
Speaker 4 (20:55):
And they can reverse this on the guys, because I go
number one what defines ahealthy relationship to you and
what defines a toxicrelationship?
Because shows me how she wasraised, that shows me her
parents, that shows me theirprinciples, that shows me how
thorough she is in her answers,because that's a deep question
and women can use the exact samequestion on the guy they can
ask them and if that guy answersin two sentences, come on yeah,
(21:16):
and let's talk behind it yeah,unless he has some profound
answer in two sentences.
That's very rare.
And the second thing I said Isay is give me five words to
describe your closest friends,because your friends make up you
.
You're an average of the fiveclosest people to you.
It's a cliche, because then,like, if a girl asked me that or
I'll be like how are your?
I actually this is my thirdquestion another boom bomb, drop
(21:38):
, right.
I say how many of your friendsaren't in relationships?
Because when they ask me thatquestion, I'm like my friends
are 30, they're married.
I mean, you like everybody gota partner.
Your friends are 50 year olds,right, that's the thing.
Like all my mentors are 40 plusand all these guys got wives
and three kids and they've beenhappily married, like.
And then they're like well, whyaren't you?
(21:59):
And then I get my reasoning andthey're like I'm 22, I'm still
a baby.
But the same thing is like theysay same mindset mindset though.
Yeah, they definitelyunderstand where I'm coming from
because they know I'm notfriends with a bunch of the frat
boys.
I'm friends with the athletes,but my athletes are like stuck
in Bible study and playing ball,so it's like everybody I hang
(22:19):
around is an influence or aninspiration to many.
How could I all of a sudden bethe be the darkness?
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Great questions.
Those are three awesomequestions, very, very insightful
.
You're not going to get somesurface level bullshit Camp.
You're going to get, or you'regoing to find, one or two things
about them.
Either they're you know,they're adept to that person and
they can answer the question,or they're just stupid, stupid.
Speaker 4 (22:42):
Keep it blunt man.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
They say certain things you're like what the fuck
?
Speaker 2 (22:45):
That didn't even touch the question that I asked,
that's when I asked for thebell real quick, so that's where
I was going.
Are these conversations even?
Speaker 4 (22:53):
happening.
I can only speak from myexperience, because I know other
dudes are taking them to thedive bar or the coffee shop.
I don't do that, I'm finedining.
I'm going to invite you out,tell you the dress code, tell
you the time more than likelyget flowers, depending on how
our texting or call went,because I'm always going to call
you before I see you, becauseif you don't have enough
intelligence, you're not goingto get my attention.
(23:17):
So you pass the piss test, allright, well now let's meet in
person.
I'm going to see your etiquette, I'm going to see your manners,
I'm going to ask you questions,I'm going to see how you treat
the service workers.
I'm going to see if.
I'm going to see if you eventry to split the bill, like
cause.
I'm very traditional in my way,so like I do everything in the
old school way of how it shouldbe done, so I can only say, like
these conversations are alwaysheld for me First time I meet
you, and that's probably whatturns me away from a lot of
(23:39):
women.
That could have been goodquality, cause from the outside
they look good, but from theinside it's ugly.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
So your so your so your boys.
Their their dating is different, right?
So what is their datingexperience like, I mean?
So what I'm trying to get tojust is are these conversations
the questions that we're beingasked?
Are these conversationsactually happening or are these
just curiosities?
not for the average man my ageno, thankfully I ain't dated in
(24:04):
20 years and all I hear about ispeople sliding in each other's
dms and all of this and I'm justlike, well, okay, y'all having
conversation through text, wherea lot of the conversation can
be misconstrued.
You don't have no emotion, notone, no context.
Y'all using emojis, y'all usingyou know that's where, that's
(24:25):
where the emotion comes in, orall caps, and it's like the
emotion is an emoji, yeah right.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
The emotion is an emoji or all caps, or this, that
and the other, oh my god.
And there's no context to it.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
There you see the exclamation point Right, leo?
Not only those conversationsNot happening.
When they do happen, they'renot even full words, right, or
full sentences, it's slang.
Speaker 4 (24:44):
Slanglish slang slanglish.
Speaker 3 (24:45):
All right, what you doing w-i-d.
Speaker 4 (24:47):
Yes look what and this is my number one flag like
because, because you guysprobably heard of snapchat at
least like yes, if a woman hassnapchat.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
You mean, we know what snapchat is, just making
sure, I can't.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
We're not that old you probably heard of that you
hey, guess what?
Speaker 3 (25:03):
hey guess what.
He's not wrong.
I only heard of it.
I never used it.
I've never used it.
Speaker 4 (25:08):
I've never used it there we go.
That's like what my generationwas growing up on Snapchat,
right.
So if a woman even has Snapchatdone, reason why is because
it's a bunch of pictures of halfyour face mirror pictures,
bikini pictures, random stuff.
They communicate not even withwords, with pictures.
(25:28):
That's crazy.
Just to keep a streak numbergoing saying I've talked to him
for 57 days, but what did youactually talk about?
Because, to my point and thisis the thing that I know I have
guaranteed wisdom on the factthat these conversations aren't
happening, for my age anddemographic is every woman
always goes.
I've never been asked that Icould imagine, so let's hear you
answer.
And they, they're like.
Well, I need to think no rush,we got a meal, think it's on.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (25:52):
We're not going nowhere, even through text, like
when I'm vetting a girl out andqualifying her and asking her
you know, are you in school,what all do you study?
Or what do you currently do?
When I ask just what are youlooking like, what is your
intention?
When I ask these through text,they're already like oh, he's
(26:12):
different.
But then they get in personit's like oh, this wasn't chat
gpt, like right, he's real dealjust coming up with questions
because he cares exactly yes,sir.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Why the hell was the question again?
Speaker 4 (26:20):
the question was is it a waste of time?
Today, the man has never beenin a committed relationship we
covered that.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
We just went somewhere else we covered that,
but we're we derailed.
The way we derailed it wasbecause I wanted to know right,
oh, you started interviewingjustin.
Yeah, I just, I had a questionwith him because, you know, I'm
like these are questions andthey're great questions they are
, but I'm like are these youngwomen asking in person?
(26:47):
Are these conversations being?
Speaker 4 (26:50):
had.
And I'll say this too thishappens so much that I literally
have to put a rule out there.
Before I even ask my firstquestion to these girls, I go
we're not playing Uno, there'sno reverse.
You are not going to copy andpaste my question, because I'm
going to see their intellect,because if they just take what I
say and ask it back, it's agreat question.
What about you?
I'm like, oh my God.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
So yeah, I heard this one before.
Speaker 4 (27:12):
But like when I say you have to create your own
question, when I see how curiousshe truly is.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Before we move on because we are moving on I just
want to ask this one question.
Earlier, when Leon wasinterviewing you, he asked one
of those questions and youbasically said you want to see
how she is on the date.
And you mentioned one thing andI don't want it to be
misinterpreted, so hopefully,when I lose someone, I want to
go back to it.
You said you want to see if shewould offer to split the bill.
What are you expecting?
(27:36):
Never Exactly, thank you.
Speaker 4 (27:39):
And a lot of them will even offer on like a
dessert because they're like oh,you pay for dinner, Let me pay
for like dessert and go get icecream.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
even to that I'm like my grandfather always taught me
, they don't touch a bill, theydon't touch a door.
Speaker 4 (27:53):
There you go, I like that.
Next question.
Okay, next question very short.
One says are daddy issues areal thing?
Speaker 3 (27:58):
hell yeah, hell yeah that's absolutely hell.
Speaker 4 (28:01):
Yeah, next question we don't we gotta dive into that
one next question yeah, theyshould have asked more.
It's a real thing god damnwe're.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
we're not elaborating a little bit?
No, we don't need to.
No.
Speaker 2 (28:10):
No, you do, Because they don't even know what daddy
issues are Now.
Speaker 4 (28:14):
this is what we should do.
Are daddy issues a real thing?
How do you identify and how doyou solve them?
Speaker 3 (28:23):
Yes, a little younger than I am.
I get a lot of people youngergirls come into me.
Obviously, I don't wear a ringall the time because I'm
allergic to most metal.
Uh-huh, yeah, no, for real.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (28:36):
I even tried the silicone one.
They don't work.
Yeah, it stinks.
So, I got to approach and Itell them there's nothing I
could do for you, I'm a marriedman.
Them there's nothing I could dofor you, I'm a married man,
they won't give up.
Speaker 4 (28:47):
No, because it's a shortage.
If they see the ring, they'regoing to try even harder,
actually, right?
Speaker 1 (28:51):
that's the thing.
You look more like you're 34,so because of that, they figure
I do want a more mature man, onethat's like 10 years older than
me.
I'm 23, so he's 33, let's go.
And you're like no, I'm 48.
They're like, well, shit, youlook 33 and and and what's crazy
about it too, is like a lot ofmen would rather approach a
woman when they know there's adaddy issue, when there's a
there's been a father presentthat's raised them a certain way
(29:13):
.
It all depends right if they'retrying to take advantage of her.
She's easier, much easiertarget if her daddy wasn't in
her life or hasn't spent thetime to talk to her and teach
her certain things.
Daddy issues are real.
Speaker 2 (29:26):
Which is the question ?
Um, they can be good, good andbad.
Yes, you could be, you can.
You can have a man that canlove you, treat you well and do
the things that you need, butbecause you are comparing him to
your father, who may be abetter man, you don't end up
with a man because you devaluethis one.
I see what you see what I'msaying, yeah you ain't my daddy,
(29:47):
so you ain't good enough for me.
And there's a, and we are.
We set a hell of a bar is whatI'm saying so yes, but there is
a lot of young men, which is whyI mentor correct, because they
cannot or do not have what wehave inside of us, right and so
because that standard, a womanmay step away or push that man
(30:10):
aside because he doesn't measureup to us.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
I mean look, a young man approaches one of my
daughters, says hello.
Can't look her in the eyes,looking down, can't say a full
sentence.
They're going to eat you alivethose girls.
Yes, I'll tear your ass up andnot even be mean.
Yes, they're still sweet andmotherly about it, but they're
gonna destroy you.
Oh, absolutely right.
So then, like to your point,that's why you mentor, because
(30:34):
there's a shortage, yes, ofpeople like that is short of
good men, but there's a shortageof just men, period.
Because they were never made tobe men, because they were never
shown how and we'll talk aboutthat part in the mentoring piece
.
Speaker 2 (30:45):
but yeah, but I just wanted to talk about daddy
issues.
I mean, yes, they exist.
Sometimes you can set the bartoo high, sometimes you can set
the bar too low and bring issuesfrom childhood into a
relationship.
So yes, they are real.
Speaker 4 (31:01):
I think the statistic is 54% of couples get divorced
or married couples get divorced,which is at a height in our
generation to where my datingpool, or at least like the
sexual marketplace, is destroyedby daddy issues, and I mean
destroyed I believe it like.
When I hear a girl even has boththeir parents in her life, I'm
like, wow, you are a unicornyourself.
Yes, but this is the thing,that the effect, because that's
(31:23):
the cause of where they end up,because now it's like what I
call it.
These girls look for like aliteral spiritual spanking.
They've never been told.
No, they never get told whereto go, when, when a threat
appears.
They never.
They don't have that.
So it's like they go around allthese men for like physical
satisfaction.
But the second they find oneman that does it spiritually or
(31:43):
mentally.
Now they're hooked.
Now they're like, oh, even ifhe is abusive, they don't care,
they look past it becausethey've never felt the spiritual
satisfaction of like being led.
It's not even just a providedfor, it's not just the protected
, it's all aspects coming fromone person.
Speaker 2 (31:58):
He's feeding a different aspect of their, of
their spirit yes, absolutely.
Speaker 4 (32:02):
Next question is it realistic to think a man would
date me as a single mom and hedoesn't have any children?
Speaker 2 (32:10):
yeah, well, obviously that's a yes, because a lot of
that is happening.
For me it was a deal breaker,because I did not want to be.
I didn't want to be the fatherof someone else's child and I
did not want to break thischild's heart because I was.
I had no intention of beingwith the mother long term.
I did it one time, and what Imean by that is I met the child.
(32:34):
It wasn't where we had anongoing relationship and if you
brought that upon me too soon,that was a deal breaker for me,
because I'm like you don't evenknow me, you don't know what I
could do to this child and thefact that you're doing it with
me led me to think you weredoing it with others and the
damage as you, as we talkedabout that you're inflicting on
this child, you have no idea.
(32:55):
You're creating trauma and Iknow there are dudes who will
take that on.
You know, but if I meet a womanand she's got two, three baby
daddies I'm not being daddynumber four.
If a woman told me, yeah, I gota child, but you ain't never
going to meet it, we dapping up,love it, love it.
And the reason why is becausethat means you have enough
(33:15):
respect for that child to say,until I vet this Negro out, he
don't meet you.
That's a woman that I can haverespect for and I'm like you
know what.
Okay, maybe we can see wherethis can go and I might consider
it longer.
The question is.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Is it realistic to expect that a man with no kids
would date you?
Speaker 3 (33:33):
yeah right, it's not.
It's not unrealistic, it's notunrealistic.
Speaker 1 (33:37):
But you shouldn't expect it and honestly you know
we wouldn't tell any of our sonsto date you.
Speaker 3 (33:41):
If you're single, you need to pretty much have your
shit together well another bigreason why I will say you have
to be in a real great mentalspace with yourself and the
father, because a lot of guy,the ego, will not let them allow
another guy to discipline theirson.
Sometimes it's the mother.
(34:01):
Well, you're not the father.
You can't discipline my son.
Okay, you're asking me to payfor everything for this person?
Oh, I can't discipline.
I'm not saying put my hand onyour son, cause I don't put my
hand on my own daughter, but Ihave to have a say I'm the man
in the house.
Speaker 1 (34:16):
I want to bring something up.
All these questions are relatedto relationships.
You're worried about bringingsomeone into your life.
You have a child.
Do you think it's realistic toexpect that that person that you
really want is going to want tobe in a relationship with you,
right?
So here's some advice that Igave to my daughter.
Ladies, listen to Uncle Steph.
This is really, really critical.
(34:37):
This goes back to what one ofmy boys, junior, on the last
podcast said.
He goes you worry about thewrong shit, all right.
So here's what I mean by that.
I want you to do this exercise.
It's a three-part exercise,okay.
Part one, since all thesequestions are about
relationships, I want you totake a piece of paper and write
down the perfect man for you andI don't mean surface level
(35:00):
bullshit, like really insightful.
Take time to think about it.
He's a gentleman, he's kind,you know he's altruistic.
Take time to think about it.
He's a gentleman, he's kind,you know he's altruistic.
He reads he's from a goodfamily.
He's healed from his trauma,whatever it may be.
Yes, there's a certain lookthat you want this person to
have.
So, yes, I want him to beattractive in that way, but
(35:20):
don't make that the mostimportant thing Right and have a
list of at least 20 things.
He's successful.
And have a list of at least 20things.
He's successful, he's ambitious, he's protective, he's a
follower of Christ, if thatmatters to you.
Two ways at least 20 things.
You can be extremely granularwith this.
Describe the perfect mate foryou.
Take time to do this.
(35:42):
I want you to do it now.
Pause the damn podcast, just goahead and write everything down
and then come back and listento the rest of this.
So, once you have your list,anything that you would want as
a woman that really makes sense.
He's a good husband, he's agood father, he's considerate
All these different things thattruly, truly matter to you.
He's loyal.
Now, once you have your list of20, I want you to look at that
(36:03):
list and know for sure, withabsolute certainty, I promise
you you're going to meet thatman.
So you talk about timing beforewhen you meet that person his
second part of the exercise whatabout you will be appealing and
attractive to that man?
Now answer the question.
This wasn't a rhetoricalquestion.
(36:25):
I want you to think about whatabout you is appealing and
attractive to that man.
Well then, answer the questionin the present tense, even
though it hasn't happened yet,right?
I want you to write this downin present tense and say I am
also attractive in the sensethat I take care of my body, I
take care of myself, I amsuccessful in my own right and
(36:46):
whatever success means to you.
By the way, when I say someoneis successful, I'm not talking
about this person, rich, right?
It's whatever they believe thatdefinition of success is, or
whatever you believe it is.
Are you ambitious?
Are you all the things youwanna be?
Are you basking in yourfeminine energy to where you
don't feel like you have to be aman, right?
Even though you're handlingthings by yourself, you write
all these things down.
(37:07):
That is what is going to makeyou appealing to that person.
So the third part of theexercise work on these things.
What's going to happen is whenyou run into that person and you
meet that person, that personis automatically attracted to
you in the same way and, by theway, you're going to meet about
(37:28):
10 of them that are exactly that, because that's what you
attract.
You've worked on yourself.
The question that I askedbefore was why would that person
be interested in someone likeyou?
This is why this is everythingthat you bring to the table and
not ones that I talk about.
Can you pay half the bills?
Speaker 4 (37:40):
the biggest thing is, like he said as well, it's
circumstantial.
If you're 40 plus, you'reprobably in the same boat as the
person that you're talking to.
They probably got a kid, grownup, birds out the nest, boom.
You're both good.
But the thing is, if you'reunder 30, which these women are
and you're looking for a man ofhigh value and you have a child
and you know he does not, well,now you're pushing.
I mean an uphill battle.
Speaker 1 (38:01):
You have homework to do and you need to worry about a
whole lot of things other thantrying to nab that person and
just get the person in your life.
It's realistic, but you got todo the work.
It's exactly you got to do thework.
Now again, like to your point,justin, you're mid thirties and
up, or whatever it is.
Kids are like 12, 13 years old.
You've already accomplished somuch, yeah.
Speaker 4 (38:28):
And any in the same boat.
It's a different story.
This is a lengthy one.
It says how do I set clearboundaries?
In my work field?
It's a male dominatedenvironment and I don't want to
come off as a snitch when theysay something inappropriate, or
I don't want them to seem like Ican't take a joke when I really
just don't like what they said.
Speaker 1 (38:35):
That's unfortunate that she's in that situation and
I will apologize for all menwho are just inappropriate in
ways, because you know thatthat's fucked up because again,
society in general, it, yeah, itfeels it, feels like she's
trapped in that environment.
So how do you set clearboundaries?
If you just happen to go outwith the team, you go out to
lunch and somethinginappropriate is said, I think
it's totally okay for you to sayit's not being a snitch, just
(38:57):
to be like, well, that was kindof weird or rude or
inappropriate, or whatever.
Say, use the words that you'refeeling at the time.
Let them know that.
Speaker 2 (39:04):
I was fucked up.
Don't do that.
Don't say that it was fucked up.
You can't do that.
Speaker 1 (39:07):
In a corporate setting.
Speaker 2 (39:08):
You can't say that.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
Oh no, no, Don't use that word.
Speaker 2 (39:11):
Okay, because we have to preface everything.
Remember this society right nowhas no filter.
Oh my God.
Speaker 1 (39:16):
None.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
Yeah, you were at lunch and we were all eating and
it was dinner and somebody saidsomething You'd be like Jim.
That was fucked up.
Now somebody's getting fired.
Speaker 1 (39:30):
Now you're sitting at HR, so no, but let them know
that you're uncomfortable withthat.
And this is more true of blackwomen than it's true of anyone
else.
In fact, it's quite theopposite with other ethnicities.
They've been silenced for solong, they've been oppressed for
so long.
It's just something that'sinnate, where they kind of feel
like they don't have a voice,they shouldn't speak because
they don't want to come off acertain way.
But I will tell you that youcan let the person know that at
(39:52):
that moment in time, whoever itis, or the supporters, everybody
else laughing at the joke, it'sinappropriate.
It's inappropriate man.
That is not cool.
But you know what?
I'm just going to remove myself.
If you say it just like that,any reasonable decent man is
going to be like okay, I wastrying to make a joke, but the
fact that she said she's goingto remove herself makes her real
uncomfortable.
That person, if they have anydecency to them, should come by
(40:15):
and apologize and say oh my bad,I didn't mean for that to be,
to come off that way, or I'm notgoing to do that again.
Speaker 2 (40:20):
What I would ask is that you would first gain
clarity into what's being saidby asking if it's offensive to
you.
What do you mean by that?
Unless it's obvious, to wherethey say hey, girl, you got a
fat booty, that's obvious.
But if it's something like acolloquialism, that is just kind
of an inappropriate, mistimedjoke, then give the person some
(40:43):
grace.
Unless this is something thatthey continually do, then you
might have a conversation withon the side and be like hey, you
seem to always makeinappropriate jokes.
I'm offended by it.
I'm not going to HR, but I'mletting you know and see if they
make a difference.
At first I was going to be like, dude, what are you doing?
Speaker 1 (40:59):
Because when you saw where you saw him going with
that because again you know thewhole thing about maybe you're
being too sensitive it's comesacross as offensive immediately,
right, because it's just like,oh wait, you're just being a
woman, you're being emotional,you're being sensitive.
So that's why, when you firstsaid it, I was like wait, what?
But I'm glad I let you finishyour point because you did say
just ask for clarity.
Because, there are certain jokesthat may not make sense to you,
(41:22):
regardless of the setting, andso if you ask what you mean by
that, it's one way to start.
Again, like you said, if it'ssuper obvious, you know what it
is and you know what theintentions are.
But yeah, there are some peoplewho are just obtuse.
Some dudes will make jokes, andsometimes it's not even the
person.
They say it because they'retrying to come off a certain way
in front of their friends,trying to be cool, cool, trying
to say certain things orwhatever it is.
(41:42):
They may not even mean it thatway or think that way, but it's
still.
If it's inappropriate, you needto go ahead and check it.
I don't think you should beafraid to do it.
Speaker 4 (41:48):
I think you should go ahead and check it, we agree,
yeah next one is not, I don'thave it, but it says what is
your opinion on staying for thekids in an unhappy situation?
I got a good one, yeah, y'all.
Two guys, yeah, all right, Iactually have.
I have a good one.
Ding, ding, ding.
Yeah, y'all two guys.
Speaker 1 (42:03):
Yeah, alright, I actually have.
I have a good one for this also.
So initially I'm gonna say whatI think most sensible people
would say is you should not.
You should never stay in arelationship just because of the
children, because inevitablythey will suffer more.
The relationship will be toxic.
Kids are not stupid.
They can read through that.
Now, if you're one of myfriends who I know is very, very
(42:24):
smart and he and his wifedecided to make it work no
matter what, even though they'renot happy, that's your personal
choice.
I still think it's the wrongway to approach it.
I was talking to a friend yearsago, right, I was going through
my thing and my own issues in myrelationship on my way to get a
divorce, and he and I were justkind of talking about the same
thing.
He was going through the samething as well, and we got on the
(42:46):
subject of children, whether ornot we should stay in this
relationship, and of course, thekids came up like, hey, man,
you know we should, because Ihad already been married and I
left a relationship that Istayed in way way, way too long
because of my children.
So when I got to this situation, I was like you know, we
shouldn't repeat this samemistake.
And I said you know what?
Hey, bro, children are not areason for people to stay
(43:09):
together.
And his response to me and itwas deeper, it's going to sound
really simple, but it was asimple question that made me
really really think.
He goes well, steph, ifchildren are not a reason for
people to fight through amarriage and stay together, what
is?
And it stopped me dead in mytracks.
I thought about it because hemade me stop, ponder and kind of
change my mind about things.
(43:29):
And then I went, because I putso much thought into it, went
back to say still not a reason.
I went back to my, not becauseI wanted to be right, but
because, again, I did considerboth.
Speaker 2 (43:45):
At the end of the day , the kid will be more damaged
long term if you're staying forthe sake of the children.
The best thing that happened tome in my childhood was my
parents divorcing on orseparating.
December 26th 1976 best thingthat ever happened to me.
Yeah, and it's because of whendid you realize that?
I realized it?
Probably maybe six years later.
Probably probably when I waslike 12, 13 years old.
I was probably about 10, 11years old, ok, and the reason
(44:08):
why I realized it then wasbecause the only time that they
fought it was because of me.
All of the marital shit is outthe way.
So my mom didn't put my dad onchild support.
It was OK, I'm not going to tryto break you, I don't want
anything from you, I'm nottaking out none of that.
You got your own house, we'removing, but you're going to take
(44:28):
care of him.
So their only argument at thatpoint was me was you going to
pick him up from school at thistime?
If not, yada, yada, or you know, you're going to pay his
tuition, and so it was thosetype things.
So as I grew up and then Istarted having my own
relationships, I was like theywere never going to work
(44:48):
together Rather than to be inthat household where they like
this.
I was before it, right.
I always had a sanctuary,because when one, I could go to
one house or the other, becauseit was a co-parenting situation,
right.
So there was times where I justneeded to get away from her and
it was times where I justneeded to get away from him, so
(45:09):
I had two places to go.
That, for me, ended up being abetter situation than them
trying to stay.
Speaker 1 (45:17):
I've heard several success stories, too, from
people that I follow.
You know ET's one, you knowEric Thomas.
There's another gentleman I waslistening to the podcast where
he became a big time NFL player,and the name escapes me, but
anyway, he was, you know.
And they both talk about thesame thing the separation of the
parents is what made them whothey became, whether it's
(45:39):
through adversity, whether itwas through just having to fend
for themselves, whatever it mayhave been, but it made them
better.
It may take a while for you torealize that, but my view on it
is unshakable.
Definitely consider the kidsfor sure, because that's
something that you guys gottogether.
You made a decision, you made acommitment.
(45:59):
If you can make it work,absolutely, commitment If you
can make it work absolutely.
But if the sole reason is well,we have children, we need to
stay together for the children.
Speaker 2 (46:11):
You're not doing them any.
You're not doing them a favor.
Yeah, yeah, I mean and you knowwe were, if you remember, on
Saturday one of the things thatone of the questions we told the
kids to ask is why is itimportant for you to have peace
at home and peace in school?
I've always told people I can'tcontrol the outside world.
You go to the outside world.
All hell is breaking loose,it's chaotic, right.
So there has to be some placethat you find peace.
(46:35):
And if you can't find it athome, then where do you go?
Yeah, so if you're growing upin a household or you're living
in a household where there's abunch of fighting with parents
and stuff like that, that istraumatic for a kid because they
can't control the outside world, they should at least have one
place they go to find peace.
Speaker 1 (46:54):
Well, let's go to the extreme example, right.
Let's say you have two verycivilized people who decide to
stay together for the kids andthey are not fighting.
Are the kids blind to the factthat there is no love between
you two?
You know what I mean.
Is that good for them?
Speaker 2 (47:07):
No, it's harder for you to leave than it is on the
kids.
I'll put it that way.
Speaker 3 (47:11):
Yeah, what you're trying to fix is probably going
to damage the most.
Speaker 1 (47:15):
Yeah, and by the time you realize that you're going
to be so pissed that you spentanother five, 10 years, 15 years
in something that inevitablywas going to break Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (47:25):
And possibly missed your opportunity to be with the
person that you were meant to bewith Correct.
Speaker 3 (47:29):
Yeah, leave and create in two beautiful spaces
for them.
I think that's better.
Speaker 4 (47:34):
Last question is do you think a DNA test should be
standard slash, mandatory forunmarried couples, and why?
Hell yeah, yes.
Speaker 1 (47:44):
We already answered that we already answered that,
yeah yeah, I think you should.
I think it creates a peace ofmind.
Uh, just just for yourself,because, again, if you're a
traditional person living inwestern society, eventually the
goal is you're getting married.
You're not there yet.
You kind of did things out oforder a little bit.
(48:05):
So since you're doing thingsout of order, there's a
possibility that there was chaosin that order and you might
want to go ahead and just goahead and get it checked.
So my reason to just would befor you to know.
Number one, and because,overall, there's been so, many,
so many people put on childsupport who found out later on,
on the 18th birthday, that it'snot their kid.
If it doesn't work out betweenyou, you don't have to question
(48:27):
that.
Here's your responsibility,because a lot of dudes, what
happens, too, is like, once theyget hit with those papers, the
first thing they start to do isquestion things that they should
have questioned way before.
Speaker 2 (48:36):
Now you want to question.
They may have questioned it,they just didn't want to know
the answer.
Speaker 1 (48:47):
Yeah, just didn't want to know the answer.
Yeah, and now that we're notworking out, well you know, put
the pressure on her, it just, itjust automatically just takes
it away, just takes it out ofplay and if it's mandatory, it
doesn't make anyoneuncomfortable.
Speaker 3 (48:52):
And I don't know, I don't know what, in what context
she asked the question, but, uh, I kind of like it coming from
a woman.
Well, it happened to.
My brother was an.
He's a nurse.
He almost lost his licensebecause of a glitch in the
system.
You start getting paperwork.
It was pain and pain and painand one day he received a letter
.
You, in a rear, such and suchamount, showed up in court and
the girl was there.
They both received, receivedpaperwork.
(49:13):
Make it so short.
They cancel everything becauseshe didn't want that to begin
with right but he almost losthis license because he missed
the glitch in the system so hemissed a few payment.
He was going to lose hisnursing license and then to find
out later, he's not even a dadman.
Speaker 1 (49:32):
Listen, I think these tests in any relationship
should be mandatory.
So what you want to do is youwant to contact onsitelabsnet,
that's O-N-S-i-t-e-l-a-b-snet,whether you need a paternity
prenatal, or if you just havesome questions regarding dna or
(49:54):
genetics testing, just give thema call at 833-878-3323 and
they'll to you.
This is not one of thoseinstances where you want to mess
around and not find out.
Speaker 2 (50:12):
So, Steph, you had the best solution to this that.
I've ever heard and that is atthe time of birth, to conduct a
DNA test on.
Speaker 3 (50:21):
If you're not married .
Speaker 2 (50:22):
Even if you are married.
Even if you are married, yeah,even if you are married, more so
if you are, I don't understandwhy that isn't standard, that
they conduct a DNA test when thebaby is born.
Speaker 1 (50:31):
Well, because I guess it's not standard because it
would be infringing on, I guessyour rights as a person, but if
we adopted that philosophy as asociety and just said that's
what we want.
Speaker 2 (50:45):
I think it should be done if I'm married?
I don't know.
I don't want it.
You don't want a dna testbecause you don't want to know
that she made no, not at all.
Speaker 3 (50:50):
Not just because if I'm married to a person, that's
just me.
If I don't trust you, we're noteven no, no, I mean so.
Speaker 2 (50:56):
So it's not an issue of trust, so it is an issue of
trust?
Speaker 3 (51:00):
because not.
If it's standard, no, but what?
Speaker 4 (51:02):
because you're not asking for it because it's
saying should the test bestandard and mandatory for
unmarried, unmarried couple?
That I'm 100% unmarried butthat's what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (51:10):
If we marry, because I don't want to bring the kid
into that situation.
That's my.
So would you leave?
So would you leave if I findout?
Speaker 1 (51:18):
yeah, um, I don't know.
That's an honest answer.
No, I don't know.
So if you found out that shehas stepped out from the
marriage 16 years ago and you'rehere today, relationship has
been amazing.
Speaker 3 (51:29):
Maybe there was a situation where something
happened and it wasn't even upto her, I see what you mean she
could never bring it up to me.
Speaker 1 (51:37):
I gotcha.
I saw a movie like that once.
Speaker 3 (51:39):
I have to give her that grace.
Speaker 1 (51:41):
Yeah, that's my wife, man I love what you guys have,
man.
We're gonna talk about this inthe next podcast because that's
so powerful.
That's such a powerful thingbecause the initial thing for
any man to say is I'm out.
But for you to kind of like sayit that way um, you know, your
reaction is let me pause.
Speaker 3 (51:57):
Let me pause.
That's why I don't mess withchicks.
Speaker 4 (51:59):
Yeah, but you're a real woman it's definitely like
a reflection of his reality,because when I hear it, my
reflection is like I've nevermet a great woman, so I'd easily
be like, oh yeah, right, noteven thinking about it.
But you're like, all I've hadis a great woman.
Speaker 3 (52:10):
So it's easy for you, absolutely.
Speaker 4 (52:12):
The other reason why I think it should be mandatory
is because, like, that's like ifI love my bloodline, if I love
my father, if I love mygrandfather, my mother, all the
gene pool that I have inside mybody.
And now I'm raising some randomJoe Schmoe's kid and I'm
(52:33):
wondering why my kid can'tbackpedal properly.
Speaker 3 (52:35):
I'm like where did the drop-off happen?
Speaker 4 (52:45):
But it's that thing.
It's like I'm a proud man ofwhere I come from in my
bloodline.
Legacy matters to you.
If I picked you to continuethat bloodline and you stepped
out and tried to deceive first,deception and betrayal like in
that book of Dante's Infernothat's breaking somebody's heart
.
Speaker 1 (52:55):
They actually did put a bonus question in there
though.
There's a bonus question.
Bonus.
We're about to wrap it up.
Let's hear the bonus question.
We're about to wrap it up.
Speaker 4 (53:01):
Let's hear the bonus question.
It said do you think a finalclosure talk is necessary after
ending a relationship?
I'm going to say I think itdepends on how it ended, Is she?
Speaker 2 (53:09):
cheated.
Close that door and don't letit hit you.
Don't let it hit you, baby.
Speaker 4 (53:13):
But anything else being mature.
If it ended because of travel,because of work, because of
disagreements amongst the familyor the wedding and the way that
was going to be.
There's so many different, it'sso controversial as far as like
the different circumstances.
But I'm going to say if youended maturely, it should stay
that.
If you ended because someonewas not mature, when two people
(53:33):
argue it's hard to tell who'sthe fool right.
So if you're going to befoolish, I'm going to let you
stay those ways and keep mypeace For me.
Speaker 2 (53:39):
me and my wife differ on this because we've had this
conversation before.
She was like it's on you to getclosure is what her saying is.
It's not for me to give it.
I can feel that.
Speaker 1 (53:51):
I actually agree with her.
Speaker 2 (53:52):
I do too.
I do too, and you know, but atthe same time, I'm not a person
that lives in ambiguity, but Ithink I at least owe you the
courtesy of hey, this is overfor me, I'm going to keep it
pushing, you know.
Speaker 1 (54:05):
Good luck I actually think that the best answer to
that question was given by awoman who's actually not here,
which is your wife, and theanswer is you know, nobody owes
you closure.
It's on you to get it.
There is not necessarily goingto be a conversation about like
an exit interview as to why thisdidn't work out Right Right.
It is conversation about likean exit interview as to why this
didn't work out right right.
It is what it is now the person.
(54:26):
Then you've ended up.
You know you left on a reallygood terms, like you said.
The maturity is there and youguys want to just talk about.
I think to me, the only reasonyou'd even have that
conversation is how can I growfrom this?
What can I learn, what I can Itake with me so I'm better for
myself and for the next partnerthat I have, and how can you be
better for the next partner thatyou have?
And kind of go from there, butabsolutely don't hold a person
(54:50):
to it and think that they owethat to you.
Also, be careful not to slipback into the relationship.
Speaker 3 (54:55):
I was about to say Usually that's what happens.
Speaker 1 (54:57):
You know usually because you know next thing, you
know you're talking about girlsand you're like well, you know,
you ain't so bad man now thatyou now that we talked it out,
finally, because that's how weended in the first place is that
what I've been looking for thewhole time.
Speaker 3 (55:09):
That's all you had to say just go ahead and move on,
man that's so good I'm glad theyhad that as a bonus, because it
was a good bonus question forsure all right, good deal.
Speaker 1 (55:21):
I want to send a big thank you to the ladies who sent
in their questions and I hopeit wasn't just curiosity but a
genuine need to get someoneelse's perspective to help you
grow.
Now remember we are real menhaving real conversations.
If you're having an issue,something physical or mental,
(55:44):
definitely contact a licensedprofessional.
I want to thank my co-hosts,leon, justin and Delva, and if
you guys really enjoyed theepisode, if it helped you at all
, please share it with at leastone friend.
Thanks again for tuning in.
We'll catch you guys nextMonday when we discuss whether
(56:06):
or not men can truly be faithfulin a relationship.
Can we be monogamous?
I'll see you next week.
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