March 18, 2025 • 33 mins
Monica Tanner shares transformative relationship skills to help couples communicate more effectively and maintain passion in their marriages. Through practical frameworks, she reveals how making specific requests and mastering repair techniques can dramatically improve relationship satisfaction.
• Most people complain about relationship problems rather than making clear requests
• Every complaint contains a hidden request that can be uncovered
• Effective requests follow three steps: rocking the boat, being specific, and showing appreciation
• Requests should be specific, behavioral, and time-bound
• Asking "Is there anything I can do to help you come through for me?" increases success rate
• Sexual requests can follow the same framework while respecting boundaries and choice
• Repair is a one-way street—only one person's concerns should be addressed at a time
• The repair process should be limited to eight sentences maximum
• Always begin repair by "remembering love" and your purpose for the conversation
• Describe what happened objectively, share your interpretation, express feelings, and make a request
If you're looking to improve your marriage, reach out to Monica at moni@monicatanner.com to set up a time to chat. Learn more about Monica's coaching and podcast at monicatanner.com or find her on Instagram.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and today we're doing something
a little bit different.
I'm going to be playing for youan interview I did with Drs
Heidi and Scott Hastings of theMarriage IQ podcast.
Now we talked about repair andwe talked about a few things
(00:21):
that I think are super fun.
So today, instead of recordinga new episode, I'm going to be
replaying this episode ofMarriage IQ.
Enjoy.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Hello intelligent lovers and welcome back to
another wonderful episode ofMarriage IQ.
Monica Tanner is joining ustoday and she's a relationship
expert, an educator and coachand a podcaster.
She's been specializing inteaching practical tools to help
increase intimacy in couples'relationships.
Welcome.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
Monica.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Yeah, thank you so much.
I'm so excited to be here withyou.
I started following you severalyears ago when you were
starting your business, havecrossed paths with your content
several times over the years,and so it's really an honor for
us to have you with us.
Would you like to tell us alittle bit about how you got
into this field of reallyfocusing on making marriages
(01:16):
better?
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Yeah, I would love to .
So I think that my I want tocall it an obsession because
that's what it is with happyrelationships and intimate
relationships started whenperhaps when I was 12 years old,
when I was a young girl, I usedto love fairy tales and happily
ever after stories.
And when I was 12, my parentsdecided to get a divorce, and
(01:39):
when they announced that I waslike wait a second, that is not
how happy ending stories are,how they go.
And so I spent a little bit oftime feeling sorry for myself
and kind of looking aroundrealizing that a lot of my
friend's parents were eitherdivorced or unhappily married or
, you know, just kind oftrudging through life, not
(02:01):
really enjoying the relationshipof marriage, and so I wanted to
give myself every advantage tofigure out how to make that
different, like I really feltlike happily ever after should
be attainable, and so I studiedfamily relationships in college,
but then I met who wouldeventually be my husband.
We decided to get married andstart a family, and even after
(02:24):
having four children, I thoughtI would go back to school to get
my master's in marriage andfamily counseling, thinking I
had all this experience inmarriage, I had learned so much
and wanted to help develop andteach and do all of that.
And I got about a year into agraduate program and ended up
thinking you know what?
I don't want to be a therapist.
Mostly because as a therapist,you see couples who are at the
(02:47):
end of their rope, like, really,you know to put it in an
analogy, you're.
You're seeing blown engines,like people who tried everything
and they just don't get alongand they're ready to end
everything.
I wanted to more be in theprevention.
I wanted to be more of the oilchange Like here are some
tactical skills that you can useto make your marriage better.
(03:08):
Before you get to that lastditch effort, I did more
coaching and teaching,podcasting and, you know,
creating courses to help couplesreally gain the skills to be
able to reignite that passion,to remember why they loved each
other, get on the same page, tolearn about conflict resolution
(03:29):
and all those things.
And I really love helpingcouples learn the skills of
relationship, which are reallynot taught anywhere.
Okay, well, let's dive in?
Speaker 3 (03:40):
Yeah, thank you for sharing on that.
I wanted to ask first.
Yeah, thank you for sharing onthat.
I wanted to ask first because Iheard you speak recently about
making requests, making bidslike this is what I would like
in our relationship.
This is what I would likespecifically you to do in this
(04:00):
relationship.
That would help me feel moresecure, more connected, and you
have a process that you teachthat I think can be, that we
think can be very beneficial toa lot of people, and we were
thinking about how that kind offits in with what we teach.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Yeah.
So I think this is really oneof the most underutilized skills
that would radically change alot of relationships.
And the reason why it's soimportant is because most humans
and this is just how our brainworks our brain is programmed to
find problems, and so most ofus, when we are not getting what
(04:41):
we want in our relationship,complain We've got our
girlfriends.
We go to lunch.
We talk about all the thingsthat our spouses are not getting
what we want in ourrelationship, complain We've got
our girlfriends.
We go to lunch.
We talk about all the thingsthat our spouses are not doing.
My husband never helps aroundthe house.
He doesn't change diapers, hecomes home late.
We complain about all thethings that we're not getting in
our relationship.
We love to complain, but we'realso guaranteed not to get more
of what we're looking for whenwe're complaining.
(05:03):
Nobody likes to be, you know,complained about and we're not
really vulnerably asking foranything.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
But it feels so good sometimes, right.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
It does.
Our brain thinks I'm being soassertive because I'm
complaining about all thereasons why my spouse sucks.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
Feels so comfortable.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
Now, actually making a request is a pretty vulnerable
thing to do because, by virtueof it being a request, our
partner doesn't have to fulfillit.
It's kind of like just aninvitation.
But if you do it skillfully,there's a way better chance of
getting more of what you want ifyou learn how to make requests.
(05:44):
So I love teaching this skill.
It's one of my favorite thingsto teach about and really
there's just three steps tomaking a request, with a little
bit of an epilogue.
So the first step to making agood request is one being
willing to rock the boat.
See, most of us think, oh, Iwant to set the delicate balance
of this relationship, I don'twant to put myself out there.
(06:06):
A lot of us think, oh, I wantto set the delicate balance of
this relationship, I don't wantto put myself out there.
A lot of us, especially women,have a hard time even thinking I
can be a good woman and havewants or needs right, and so
once we're like I've beencomplaining about this thing,
I'm super resentful, it'scausing me discomfort, I don't
like it.
We realize every single time acomplaint crosses our brain,
(06:30):
whether it's voiced or unvoiced,there's always a request
underneath that complaint.
So if you find yourselfcomplaining about your partner.
I want you to take one momentand figure out.
If you're complaining that yourpartner never helps around the
house, find the request embeddedin that complaint.
So I would like my partner tohelp with blank or partner's
(06:53):
always late.
Your request would be that mypartner either figure out time
more accurately or communicateabout when they're actually
going to be home so that I'm notwaiting.
You know there's always arequest under every complaint.
So every time you think aboutcomplaining about something,
figure out what that request isand then be willing to voice it
(07:13):
to your partner in anappropriate manner.
So I like to say get a contract.
Contracting is a reallyimportant part of healthy
relationships.
So go to your partner and sayhey, there's something I've been
thinking about.
I'd like to make a request.
Is this a good time?
I love to use the HALTS.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
What is?
Speaker 1 (07:32):
that Acronym, the HALTS acronym, right?
So if you're hungry, angry,lonely or tired, it's probably
not a good time.
It's probably like informationis not going to go right.
So if your partner is justcoming in from a very stressful
day at work, if they're in themiddle of a project, if they're
waiting for an important phonecall, it's probably not going to
be a good time to just startunleashing on them, right?
(07:53):
So always get permission, bewilling to rock the boat.
So that's the first step isonce you've secured a good time.
So maybe your partner's likeyou know what I need to grab
something to eat, change myclothes, then I'll be ready to
chat, right?
So find a good time contractwith your partner, get their
undivided attention.
Number two teach them exactlywhat you want.
(08:16):
Make it specific, make itbehavioral and make it time
bound.
So if your request is to haveyour partner help around the
house, helping more around thehouse is not a very specific
request.
That that's not helping yourpartner win or know what to do,
right?
I mean that could beinterpreted in many different
ways.
A better request, specifically,would be like can you do the
(08:40):
dishes three nights a week?
So that's specific, that'sbehavioral.
Do the dishes.
It's exactly what you want themto do, meaning can you wash the
dishes, put them in thedishwasher, unload the
dishwasher.
That's behavioral and timebound three times a week.
It would really help me out if,on Tuesdays, thursdays and
Fridays, you would take over thedishes, do the dishes, unload
(09:02):
the dishwasher, whatever.
So that's a really good request.
Now, if you want to A++, you'regoing to add this little bit of
extra.
Is there anything I can do tohelp you come through for me?
Now a lot of people will belike why do I have to do
something?
I'm making a request of them.
Well, here's why Because whenyou win, your partner wins.
(09:28):
Helping your partner comethrough for you is absolutely
like worth the effort.
So maybe your partner will saysomething like yeah, it's hard
for me to do the dishes whenthere's toddlers underfoot, or
sometimes I just can't rememberright.
So maybe you could be helpfulby reminding them, like sending
them a text, or just lettingthem know hey, it's Tuesday,
(09:50):
this is your dish night, youknow?
Or writing a note, or I'm goingto give the kids a bath, so
you've got time and space to dothe dishes right.
So that's how you can be mosthelpful.
You can help your partner winand come through for you by
asking and maybe they'll say,nope, I got it.
Tuesdays, thursdays, fridays,my dish needs, got it right Now.
(10:13):
The third step and this is wheremost people kind of fall off is
that you're going to make itworth their while.
You're going to acknowledge andappreciate any progress towards
your request.
So if your partner did thedishes on Tuesday, forgot on
Thursday but came through onFriday, you're going to say, oh,
(10:36):
my gosh, thank you so much fordoing the dishes two nights this
week.
That was so, so helpful.
Is there anything I can do tohelp you remember to get them
done all three nights?
Or it would be giantly helpfulif you could actually do all
three nights right.
So step one be willing to rockthe boat.
Figure out what the requestunderneath the complaint is
(10:58):
about and contract for a goodtime to ask.
Number two make your requestspecific, behavioral and
time-bound.
And number three make it worththeir while.
So be willing to rock the boat,help your partner win, make it
worth their while.
Those are your three steps to agreat request, and that little
epilogue is now let go.
(11:21):
There is a possibility that yourpartner will not be able to be
willing to fulfill your requestand you've got to let it go.
You've got to make it a microdisappointment.
Now, this is kind of a higherlevel skill, but we got to keep
those micro disappointmentsmicro.
What we want to do is think,okay, my partner didn't do the
(11:43):
dishes, my partner never helps,my partner is a lazy bum and I'm
never going to get what I wantout of this relationship.
That is not helpful.
That is like universalizingthese small disappointments.
So this week the dishes didn'tget done on Thursday night.
That is a micro disappointmentand it's good to remember that
(12:04):
relationships are disappointing.
Sometimes our partner, despiteour best efforts, despite our
best use of these skills, arenot going to come through for us
, and that gives us theopportunity for repair.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
So you use the dishes as an example, which I think is
a really good idea.
Is this customizable to other alot deeper requests, like
something just much, much more,maybe personal, more more
intimate.
Let's say a man comes to hiswife and he's wants to ask a bid
(12:42):
, a request for something of asexual nature.
Does this work for that as well?
Like this is a lot deepersubject, right yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
It's so funny because we always get to this topic.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
It's very yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Well it, because it is important, it's very
important.
And so I think, yes, making arequest around sexual is so
important and possible, youwould follow the same steps.
But you've got to remember like, more sex again isn't super
specific, right?
(13:20):
Maybe your complaint is I'malways initiating sex, sex, and
therefore I'm always the onewho's getting turned down.
So maybe I would love it if youwould initiate sex once a week.
Or I would love it if we couldincrease the frequency or the
quality of our sexual encounters.
And so, if you are specific andbehavioral and you help your
(13:42):
partner win, how can I help youwith this?
Right?
And maybe your partner is goingto say well, I feel more open
to sex once the kids are in bedand the dishes are done, right,
and so jump on that Right.
Like, help your partner winthere.
And again, maybe your partner isnot going to be willing or able
to fulfill that request.
Keep on it, keep with it.
(14:04):
Like, what can I do to help yoube more available to sexual
intercourse?
And your partner might say youknow what?
We have young kids and I'mexhausted, I'm not getting
enough sleep, and so in thisphase of our lives it doesn't
feel feasible, so you're goingto have to decide now.
Is that something I can livewith or is there something I can
(14:25):
do about that?
Maybe I do bedtime on thosenights and you can go take a hot
bubble bath and relax and havean hour to yourself, and then it
would be more likely right?
So those are things that you'regoing to I call it collaborate
on, figure out how you can bothwin.
But I think, if that's a desireand a need for you, I think
(14:48):
continuing to ask for what youwant in different ways is really
important.
Actually, I think the passionin a relationship dies when we
stop asking for what we need orwhat we want.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
So, monica, when we're looking at sexuality and a
request in that realm,sometimes you may not feel
comfortable with what yourpartner is requesting.
How would you approach that?
Speaker 1 (15:13):
Yeah.
So I think the most importantthing to remember with anything,
but especially in the area ofsexuality, is that you always
have a choice.
So, even if you've agreed tosomething, you can get part of
the way through it and stilldecide you don't want to do it
anymore.
Or you can experience it withyour partner and then decide
(15:34):
that you never want to do itagain, and so it's really
important to remember that youlove each other.
You're married.
Maybe you're willing to try newthings, maybe you're not.
Each other.
You're married.
Maybe you're willing to try newthings, maybe you're not.
I do work with couples a lot onbeing willing to try new things
together, but you know, we allhave a history and we all have
experiences in the realm ofsexuality that are going to
(15:58):
either help or hinder ourability to try different things,
and so, but the most importantthing to always remember is that
you always have choice and tobe very upfront with your
partner about hey, if I agree totry this thing with you, if
there's at any point I feeluncomfortable or I changed my
(16:20):
mind or I want to stop, I needyou to respect that and I have
to know if I'm willing to dothis.
I have to know that you'regoing to respect my limits.
I love that.
Speaker 3 (16:32):
Yeah, I think there's a lot of different ways we can
look at things.
Like you're right, we all haveneeds and wants.
I think, at the same time,there is some incredible value
in just sitting with myself.
And why?
Why do I want this Like?
I have this need, I have thiswant.
(16:53):
How important is it to me?
Is it something I'm willing toto give up, to let go of,
Because I'm not always going toget what I want, nor should I so
well, okay, right, do you agreewith that or no?
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Well, partially.
I think that you enter into acontract to be with your partner
, and so sexual intimacy issomething that you may or may
not be willing to forego in thatrelationship.
So you have to decide howimportant it is to you.
(17:34):
Maybe it's not that important,maybe you can get those needs
fulfilled in some other way, butmaybe it is really important to
you and that is.
I don't think that you shouldbe expected to go without
something really important toyou, and the most important
thing to remember is that youalways have options.
You may not like those options,they might not be good options
(17:56):
that you feel, but you alwayshave options, and so you can
make that very clear to yourpartner.
I'm not willing to live in arelationship where there is no
sexual intimacy or the kitchenis always a mess, right Like
whether it's a deep request or amore superficial request.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
Yes, thinking about how important is this truly to
me, can I live with it?
Yeah, right.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
And so I think what happens sometimes is we get
really complacent, thinking like, well, we're married, we're
locked in.
Too bad, you don't have anychoice, right?
Well, the reality is, if you'renot willing to work with me on
this aspect of of life andmarriage that's really important
to me, then I may have to dosomething different, like I'm
(18:46):
not willing to live the rest ofmy life without this need being
fulfilled.
So a lot of times when I talkto couples about this, it has to
do with going to therapy.
Like there'll be one member ofthe partnership who wants to
work on some aspect of therelationship and there's another
partner who doesn't feel likethere's anything wrong.
(19:06):
And so the way that I advisethem to get their partner to be
on board with therapy they don'thave to love it, they just have
to show up is to show up at thedoor.
Maybe your partner comes homefrom work and you say, hey,
there's something reallyimportant I wanna talk to you
about.
Now be a good time.
Sure, okay, I would really loveto go see a coach or a
(19:27):
counselor.
This is really, reallyimportant to me, and I'd like
for you to come with me.
I've made an appointment forFriday, january 26th I'm going
to go and I need you to comewith me and then the next day
show up and do the same exactthing.
And then the next day come up,do the same exact thing.
(19:50):
And if your partner is resistantto it, then say listen, this is
something that's reallyimportant to me.
If you're not willing tofulfill that request, then I'm
not going to be willing to makedinner anymore.
I mean, I'm not saying, juststart yanking things away, but I
want a relationship that'sfulfilling for both of us in all
of these ways.
And if you're not willing tomake an effort, then I'm going
to no longer do this or providethis service or whatever.
(20:11):
And you can do the same thingwhen it comes to sexual intimacy
.
If you're not willing toexplore this aspect of marriage
that's really really importantto me, well then I'm not going
to be willing to go to work, or,you know, maybe it's that harsh
.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
I don't know if we share that same perspective, but
it's totally okay, becausethere may be people who do, who
are listening.
Well look.
Speaker 3 (20:34):
I think it's really.
This is why we talk to so manypeople Like it's really
interesting to get thesedifferent perspectives.
I see where she's going withthis, though.
What can you do?
This is a big problem that hasto be tackled when this is a
game stopper for me.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
Yeah, okay.
So, monica, that is an approachthat I wouldn't have thought of
before to really make it clearto your partner that this is how
important this is to me, right,yeah, is that what you're
saying?
Speaker 1 (21:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (21:06):
Well, it's part of establishing boundaries too,
like this is a boundary for meand an expectation for me, but
those are hard questions.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
So between here and there, this is my request, and
we're either looking at somepretty big boundaries being set,
huge boundaries being set?
Is there a middle ground?
Do you have some tools forrepairing, whether big or small,
that you've found to be reallyhelpful?
Speaker 1 (21:33):
Well, we can talk about repair.
Repair is simple, but it's verydifficult if you're not doing
it correctly.
So one thing about repair thatI think is exceptionally
groundbreaking is theunderstanding that repair is one
way.
So where a lot of couples getthis wrong and we were getting
it wrong in my own marriage iswhat would happen is I would be
(21:57):
upset about something and Iwould go to my husband and I
would say, hey, you know, I'mreally upset about this thing,
and he would then take thatopportunity to tell me what he
was also upset about.
And then we aren't gettinganywhere because I'm upset about
this thing when he's also upsetabout this thing.
And now, where's the repair?
Now, we've repaired ourgrievances, but nothing's
(22:19):
getting repaired.
So, if you want to put this inlike customer service terms, you
call up the service company andyou say my oven is broken.
You don't want them to say well, our microwave is broken.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
So that's good One way, right yeah?
Speaker 1 (22:39):
I don't care about your microwave, I need my oven
fixed right now.
Your bowl's at a totalstandstill, so when you're in
need of repair you're at thecustomer service window.
Your partner's only job is tounderstand and to figure out
what they can do to make itbetter, and so once you start to
(22:59):
understand that and you startto implement that, it goes so
much smoother.
Now that's not to say that wecan't ever get the microwave
fixed.
It's just in that moment when Istart talking about the oven.
It means we're going to fix theoven first and then later we
can come back and address themicrowave issue Right Now.
(23:22):
The thing that's reallyimportant to remember about
repair and this takes a littlebit of practice is that I give
my couples eight sentences max.
Speaker 3 (23:32):
Okay, I like that.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
Don't give it more than eight sentences.
The human brain can only takenegative, disconfirming
criticism for so long before itjust starts to tune it out.
So if you're a very wordyperson, I suggest that you jot
it down, that you edit out likesuperfluous parts of it, because
(23:56):
you get eight sentences.
Rest your concern, two for eachof these areas.
So before you even start withthe repair process, you do what
I call remembering love, whichis one, remember that the person
you're speaking to is somebodythat you love and that you live
(24:16):
with.
And two, remembering that thereason why you're speaking to
them is to make things betterfor both of you.
I love that.
Speaker 3 (24:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
So if you're in a state of disrepair, you the
first thing you have to do isremember love right.
And that means that right inthe moment when you hit that,
you know I'm really upset,really upset that this happened.
I need to get it figured out.
That's not what the best, mostideal point to initiate some
(24:49):
repair, because you've got toget centered, You've got to get
to that place where you're likeI need to go to my partner, who
I love with all of my heart, whoI want to have this great
partnership and passionate,intimate life with.
And that's why I'm going tohave this conversation, not so
that they feel how pissed off Iam Right.
(25:11):
So first, we're going toremember less.
The person I'm talking to isthe person I've loved the most
in this entire world, and I wantto make this better.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
That seems like it would build a foundation for
everything.
That would be helpful.
Even going back to the previoustopic that we discussed, that
was a little more intense, If weremember.
This is the person I love andwe both.
Oh, before you ask the requestthis is the person that I love
(25:40):
and we both.
Oh, before you ask the requestfor both of us to remember, our
goal is to make the marriage themost important thing in our
life and the most importantrelationship, and our goal is to
help each other be happy.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
Yes, that's so good, I love it.
So then you get.
There's four areas of a repair,two sentences each.
The first one is describe whathappened.
So this is what the securitycam footage would show.
Try to keep emotion out of it,try to keep intentionality out
of it, like this is whathappened.
(26:11):
So you came home at 645 when yousaid you would be home at six
and you walk right past ourscreaming child who was waiting
for you and upset that's evenactually, that's even too much.
You're assuming that your childwas upset because he was
waiting for it.
Speaker 3 (26:30):
Yeah, it's the what, not the why.
It's just what happened it's?
It's a security camera.
Yeah, like that Exactly.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
What would the security cam footage report?
So here's what happened.
First two sentences Okay, whatI made up about that is okay.
So the second sentence is youcan say whatever crazy thing
that you're thinking, as long asyou take responsibility.
But this is my sense.
This is my sense, this is mystory.
This is what I make up about.
(26:58):
It is that you don't care aboutus and our time, that you were
doing whatever you were doingand not thinking about us, or
that you know you feel your timeis more important, that you
know you're selfish.
Whatever you can say all ofthose things, as long as you're
taking responsibility.
(27:18):
This is what I made up aboutwhat happened.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
The story I tell myself.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
The story I tell myself is that you are
inconsiderate and selfish.
Okay, the third phase is how Ifelt about that, and you can say
I feel frustrated, I feel angry, I feel hurt, I feel scared,
whatever those main emotions are.
(27:43):
This is how I felt about whathappened and what I'd like from
you now that's the fourth phaseAgain be behavioral and specific
.
What I'd like from you now isto apologize to your kids and to
me for not valuing our time andnot calling when you knew you
(28:03):
were going to be 45 minutes late.
Okay, and that's the repairprocess.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
Is it repaired at that point, or is there more to
it?
Speaker 1 (28:10):
Well, you have to be willing to let it go.
You have done what you neededto do.
You initiated the repair, youdid the repair process.
Now you've got to let it go.
Now.
Your partner's job during repairis, I think, more difficult is
to be willing to listen withoutgetting defensive, without
listing all the reasons why youwere late.
Right and this is what takespractice is listening to your
(28:34):
partner's concerns or what theyneed repair around, being as
generous as humanly possible,giving them as much as you
possibly can by takingresponsibility.
You're right, I was 45 minuteslate.
I wasn't valuing your time, Iwasn't thinking about the fact
that you were sitting here,dinner on the table waiting for
(28:57):
me to come home.
I didn't call and that wastotally a jerk move and I will
right now apologize to the kidsand to you for being late and I
will do my best to work on thatRight.
So lead with what you'rewilling to give, what you're
willing to acknowledge aboutwhat happened and if you're
(29:19):
willing to fulfill that fourtharea of requests, right.
So that is the skill of repair,both asking for and being the
listener in the repair process,and it takes practice.
It does take practice, but it'sawesome when it works.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
And you find it very successful within the people
that you work with.
It sounds like such a greattool.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
The two things that I think are just the most mind
blowing for people is A thatrepair is one way street.
Like you don't get to likerebuttal.
The partner who's in disrepaircomes to the other partner and
if you're first, you're first,right, like maybe you're both
pissed, but whoever initiatesthe repair gets to go first and
(30:09):
the other person does not get topile on or do their part until
later, after you've tended tothe partner who's in dish repair
.
Then, a couple hours later,you're like hey, I'm also upset
about what happened.
Here's my take on it.
Right, then you get to be at thecustomer service window and
(30:30):
your partner is listening to you.
So that understanding that it'sa one-way street and two, the
eight sentences is huge.
Huge, because then your partnerknows that you're not coming to
them and they're going to haveto sit there for 45 minutes and
listen to you complain and gripeand talk about all the ways in
(30:51):
which they're falling short.
Yesterday and like 12 years ago, right, you know like, okay,
this is going to be quick, we'regoing to get right to the point
.
She's going to tell me how Ican fix it.
Speaker 3 (31:03):
We really appreciate you coming on today, monica.
This has really beeninteresting, and I like how we
can integrate this into our fourcornerstones of identity,
intentionality, insight andintimacy.
I think specifically in regardsto that part where we're doing
(31:23):
a request, because we do talkabout intentionally taking time
with each other, and so, yeah, Ithink this could be a tool for
both wife and husband as theyapproach that, because asking
for requests is really one ofthe deepest things you can do,
and so we have to be prepared,we have to be intentional, and
(31:46):
so these tools you've given Ithink it's going to be very,
very helpful in that.
And then the repair again, it'sa part of being intentional.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
And really both are so much a part of just growing
our intimacy, becoming moreintimate with each other because
we can talk about those hardthings in peaceful ways.
Speaker 3 (32:08):
Yeah, so thank you very much.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
So, monica, if our listeners are interested in
finding you and learning moreabout the work you do, where can
they find you?
Speaker 1 (32:19):
Yeah, so everything you need to know about me can be
found on my website, which isjust my name monicatannercom, so
M-O-N-I-C-A-T-A-N-N-E-Rcom.
So you can find informationabout my podcast, which is
Secrets of Happily Ever After.
You can find me on Instagram ofHappily Ever After.
You can find me on Instagram orfind out how to learn more
(32:39):
about my coaching.
That's great.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
Thank you and everybody until next week.
Have a good week.
Speaker 3 (32:45):
Have a great week.
Thank you so much, and rememberthe intelligent spouse knows
that to change from a stinky toa scintillating marriage first
requires a change in themselves.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Thank you for joining us on Marriage IQ.
We hope today's episode sparkedsome great insights, but why
stop here?
Stay connected and keep themomentum going.
Follow Marriage IQ on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn and YouTube
for more great content on thistopic.
Speaker 1 (33:15):
Thanks everyone for listening to this episode and I
just want to make sure that Icredit Terry real and the
relational life Institute for alot of those frameworks of
repair and request.
If you're following along onsocial media, you know that I
just finished my certificationin RLT and I am so, so excited
to talk more about the wonderfulRLT principles and to
(33:39):
incorporate this into mycoaching with couples.
So if you're looking to improveyour marriage, be sure to reach
out, monnie at monicatanercomand set up a time we can chat.
And until next week, happymarriaging.
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and today we're doing something
a little bit different.
I'm going to be playing for youan interview I did with Drs
Heidi and Scott Hastings of theMarriage IQ podcast.
Now we talked about repair andwe talked about a few things
(00:21):
that I think are super fun.
So today, instead of recordinga new episode, I'm going to be
replaying this episode ofMarriage IQ.
Enjoy.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Hello intelligent lovers and welcome back to
another wonderful episode ofMarriage IQ.
Monica Tanner is joining ustoday and she's a relationship
expert, an educator and coachand a podcaster.
She's been specializing inteaching practical tools to help
increase intimacy in couples'relationships.
Welcome.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
Monica.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Yeah, thank you so much.
I'm so excited to be here withyou.
I started following you severalyears ago when you were
starting your business, havecrossed paths with your content
several times over the years,and so it's really an honor for
us to have you with us.
Would you like to tell us alittle bit about how you got
into this field of reallyfocusing on making marriages
(01:16):
better?
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Yeah, I would love to .
So I think that my I want tocall it an obsession because
that's what it is with happyrelationships and intimate
relationships started whenperhaps when I was 12 years old,
when I was a young girl, I usedto love fairy tales and happily
ever after stories.
And when I was 12, my parentsdecided to get a divorce, and
(01:39):
when they announced that I waslike wait a second, that is not
how happy ending stories are,how they go.
And so I spent a little bit oftime feeling sorry for myself
and kind of looking aroundrealizing that a lot of my
friend's parents were eitherdivorced or unhappily married or
, you know, just kind oftrudging through life, not
(02:01):
really enjoying the relationshipof marriage, and so I wanted to
give myself every advantage tofigure out how to make that
different, like I really feltlike happily ever after should
be attainable, and so I studiedfamily relationships in college,
but then I met who wouldeventually be my husband.
We decided to get married andstart a family, and even after
(02:24):
having four children, I thoughtI would go back to school to get
my master's in marriage andfamily counseling, thinking I
had all this experience inmarriage, I had learned so much
and wanted to help develop andteach and do all of that.
And I got about a year into agraduate program and ended up
thinking you know what?
I don't want to be a therapist.
Mostly because as a therapist,you see couples who are at the
(02:47):
end of their rope, like, really,you know to put it in an
analogy, you're.
You're seeing blown engines,like people who tried everything
and they just don't get alongand they're ready to end
everything.
I wanted to more be in theprevention.
I wanted to be more of the oilchange Like here are some
tactical skills that you can useto make your marriage better.
(03:08):
Before you get to that lastditch effort, I did more
coaching and teaching,podcasting and, you know,
creating courses to help couplesreally gain the skills to be
able to reignite that passion,to remember why they loved each
other, get on the same page, tolearn about conflict resolution
(03:29):
and all those things.
And I really love helpingcouples learn the skills of
relationship, which are reallynot taught anywhere.
Okay, well, let's dive in?
Speaker 3 (03:40):
Yeah, thank you for sharing on that.
I wanted to ask first.
Yeah, thank you for sharing onthat.
I wanted to ask first because Iheard you speak recently about
making requests, making bidslike this is what I would like
in our relationship.
This is what I would likespecifically you to do in this
(04:00):
relationship.
That would help me feel moresecure, more connected, and you
have a process that you teachthat I think can be, that we
think can be very beneficial toa lot of people, and we were
thinking about how that kind offits in with what we teach.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Yeah.
So I think this is really oneof the most underutilized skills
that would radically change alot of relationships.
And the reason why it's soimportant is because most humans
and this is just how our brainworks our brain is programmed to
find problems, and so most ofus, when we are not getting what
(04:41):
we want in our relationship,complain We've got our
girlfriends.
We go to lunch.
We talk about all the thingsthat our spouses are not getting
what we want in ourrelationship, complain We've got
our girlfriends.
We go to lunch.
We talk about all the thingsthat our spouses are not doing.
My husband never helps aroundthe house.
He doesn't change diapers, hecomes home late.
We complain about all thethings that we're not getting in
our relationship.
We love to complain, but we'realso guaranteed not to get more
of what we're looking for whenwe're complaining.
(05:03):
Nobody likes to be, you know,complained about and we're not
really vulnerably asking foranything.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
But it feels so good sometimes, right.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
It does.
Our brain thinks I'm being soassertive because I'm
complaining about all thereasons why my spouse sucks.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
Feels so comfortable.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
Now, actually making a request is a pretty vulnerable
thing to do because, by virtueof it being a request, our
partner doesn't have to fulfillit.
It's kind of like just aninvitation.
But if you do it skillfully,there's a way better chance of
getting more of what you want ifyou learn how to make requests.
(05:44):
So I love teaching this skill.
It's one of my favorite thingsto teach about and really
there's just three steps tomaking a request, with a little
bit of an epilogue.
So the first step to making agood request is one being
willing to rock the boat.
See, most of us think, oh, Iwant to set the delicate balance
of this relationship, I don'twant to put myself out there.
(06:06):
A lot of us think, oh, I wantto set the delicate balance of
this relationship, I don't wantto put myself out there.
A lot of us, especially women,have a hard time even thinking I
can be a good woman and havewants or needs right, and so
once we're like I've beencomplaining about this thing,
I'm super resentful, it'scausing me discomfort, I don't
like it.
We realize every single time acomplaint crosses our brain,
(06:30):
whether it's voiced or unvoiced,there's always a request
underneath that complaint.
So if you find yourselfcomplaining about your partner.
I want you to take one momentand figure out.
If you're complaining that yourpartner never helps around the
house, find the request embeddedin that complaint.
So I would like my partner tohelp with blank or partner's
(06:53):
always late.
Your request would be that mypartner either figure out time
more accurately or communicateabout when they're actually
going to be home so that I'm notwaiting.
You know there's always arequest under every complaint.
So every time you think aboutcomplaining about something,
figure out what that request isand then be willing to voice it
(07:13):
to your partner in anappropriate manner.
So I like to say get a contract.
Contracting is a reallyimportant part of healthy
relationships.
So go to your partner and sayhey, there's something I've been
thinking about.
I'd like to make a request.
Is this a good time?
I love to use the HALTS.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
What is?
Speaker 1 (07:32):
that Acronym, the HALTS acronym, right?
So if you're hungry, angry,lonely or tired, it's probably
not a good time.
It's probably like informationis not going to go right.
So if your partner is justcoming in from a very stressful
day at work, if they're in themiddle of a project, if they're
waiting for an important phonecall, it's probably not going to
be a good time to just startunleashing on them, right?
(07:53):
So always get permission, bewilling to rock the boat.
So that's the first step isonce you've secured a good time.
So maybe your partner's likeyou know what I need to grab
something to eat, change myclothes, then I'll be ready to
chat, right?
So find a good time contractwith your partner, get their
undivided attention.
Number two teach them exactlywhat you want.
(08:16):
Make it specific, make itbehavioral and make it time
bound.
So if your request is to haveyour partner help around the
house, helping more around thehouse is not a very specific
request.
That that's not helping yourpartner win or know what to do,
right?
I mean that could beinterpreted in many different
ways.
A better request, specifically,would be like can you do the
(08:40):
dishes three nights a week?
So that's specific, that'sbehavioral.
Do the dishes.
It's exactly what you want themto do, meaning can you wash the
dishes, put them in thedishwasher, unload the
dishwasher.
That's behavioral and timebound three times a week.
It would really help me out if,on Tuesdays, thursdays and
Fridays, you would take over thedishes, do the dishes, unload
(09:02):
the dishwasher, whatever.
So that's a really good request.
Now, if you want to A++, you'regoing to add this little bit of
extra.
Is there anything I can do tohelp you come through for me?
Now a lot of people will belike why do I have to do
something?
I'm making a request of them.
Well, here's why Because whenyou win, your partner wins.
(09:28):
Helping your partner comethrough for you is absolutely
like worth the effort.
So maybe your partner will saysomething like yeah, it's hard
for me to do the dishes whenthere's toddlers underfoot, or
sometimes I just can't rememberright.
So maybe you could be helpfulby reminding them, like sending
them a text, or just lettingthem know hey, it's Tuesday,
(09:50):
this is your dish night, youknow?
Or writing a note, or I'm goingto give the kids a bath, so
you've got time and space to dothe dishes right.
So that's how you can be mosthelpful.
You can help your partner winand come through for you by
asking and maybe they'll say,nope, I got it.
Tuesdays, thursdays, fridays,my dish needs, got it right Now.
(10:13):
The third step and this is wheremost people kind of fall off is
that you're going to make itworth their while.
You're going to acknowledge andappreciate any progress towards
your request.
So if your partner did thedishes on Tuesday, forgot on
Thursday but came through onFriday, you're going to say, oh,
(10:36):
my gosh, thank you so much fordoing the dishes two nights this
week.
That was so, so helpful.
Is there anything I can do tohelp you remember to get them
done all three nights?
Or it would be giantly helpfulif you could actually do all
three nights right.
So step one be willing to rockthe boat.
Figure out what the requestunderneath the complaint is
(10:58):
about and contract for a goodtime to ask.
Number two make your requestspecific, behavioral and
time-bound.
And number three make it worththeir while.
So be willing to rock the boat,help your partner win, make it
worth their while.
Those are your three steps to agreat request, and that little
epilogue is now let go.
(11:21):
There is a possibility that yourpartner will not be able to be
willing to fulfill your requestand you've got to let it go.
You've got to make it a microdisappointment.
Now, this is kind of a higherlevel skill, but we got to keep
those micro disappointmentsmicro.
What we want to do is think,okay, my partner didn't do the
(11:43):
dishes, my partner never helps,my partner is a lazy bum and I'm
never going to get what I wantout of this relationship.
That is not helpful.
That is like universalizingthese small disappointments.
So this week the dishes didn'tget done on Thursday night.
That is a micro disappointmentand it's good to remember that
(12:04):
relationships are disappointing.
Sometimes our partner, despiteour best efforts, despite our
best use of these skills, arenot going to come through for us
, and that gives us theopportunity for repair.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
So you use the dishes as an example, which I think is
a really good idea.
Is this customizable to other alot deeper requests, like
something just much, much more,maybe personal, more more
intimate.
Let's say a man comes to hiswife and he's wants to ask a bid
(12:42):
, a request for something of asexual nature.
Does this work for that as well?
Like this is a lot deepersubject, right yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
It's so funny because we always get to this topic.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
It's very yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Well it, because it is important, it's very
important.
And so I think, yes, making arequest around sexual is so
important and possible, youwould follow the same steps.
But you've got to remember like, more sex again isn't super
specific, right?
(13:20):
Maybe your complaint is I'malways initiating sex, sex, and
therefore I'm always the onewho's getting turned down.
So maybe I would love it if youwould initiate sex once a week.
Or I would love it if we couldincrease the frequency or the
quality of our sexual encounters.
And so, if you are specific andbehavioral and you help your
(13:42):
partner win, how can I help youwith this?
Right?
And maybe your partner is goingto say well, I feel more open
to sex once the kids are in bedand the dishes are done, right,
and so jump on that Right.
Like, help your partner winthere.
And again, maybe your partner isnot going to be willing or able
to fulfill that request.
Keep on it, keep with it.
(14:04):
Like, what can I do to help yoube more available to sexual
intercourse?
And your partner might say youknow what?
We have young kids and I'mexhausted, I'm not getting
enough sleep, and so in thisphase of our lives it doesn't
feel feasible, so you're goingto have to decide now.
Is that something I can livewith or is there something I can
(14:25):
do about that?
Maybe I do bedtime on thosenights and you can go take a hot
bubble bath and relax and havean hour to yourself, and then it
would be more likely right?
So those are things that you'regoing to I call it collaborate
on, figure out how you can bothwin.
But I think, if that's a desireand a need for you, I think
(14:48):
continuing to ask for what youwant in different ways is really
important.
Actually, I think the passionin a relationship dies when we
stop asking for what we need orwhat we want.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
So, monica, when we're looking at sexuality and a
request in that realm,sometimes you may not feel
comfortable with what yourpartner is requesting.
How would you approach that?
Speaker 1 (15:13):
Yeah.
So I think the most importantthing to remember with anything,
but especially in the area ofsexuality, is that you always
have a choice.
So, even if you've agreed tosomething, you can get part of
the way through it and stilldecide you don't want to do it
anymore.
Or you can experience it withyour partner and then decide
(15:34):
that you never want to do itagain, and so it's really
important to remember that youlove each other.
You're married.
Maybe you're willing to try newthings, maybe you're not.
Each other.
You're married.
Maybe you're willing to try newthings, maybe you're not.
I do work with couples a lot onbeing willing to try new things
together, but you know, we allhave a history and we all have
experiences in the realm ofsexuality that are going to
(15:58):
either help or hinder ourability to try different things,
and so, but the most importantthing to always remember is that
you always have choice and tobe very upfront with your
partner about hey, if I agree totry this thing with you, if
there's at any point I feeluncomfortable or I changed my
(16:20):
mind or I want to stop, I needyou to respect that and I have
to know if I'm willing to dothis.
I have to know that you'regoing to respect my limits.
I love that.
Speaker 3 (16:32):
Yeah, I think there's a lot of different ways we can
look at things.
Like you're right, we all haveneeds and wants.
I think, at the same time,there is some incredible value
in just sitting with myself.
And why?
Why do I want this Like?
I have this need, I have thiswant.
(16:53):
How important is it to me?
Is it something I'm willing toto give up, to let go of,
Because I'm not always going toget what I want, nor should I so
well, okay, right, do you agreewith that or no?
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Well, partially.
I think that you enter into acontract to be with your partner
, and so sexual intimacy issomething that you may or may
not be willing to forego in thatrelationship.
So you have to decide howimportant it is to you.
(17:34):
Maybe it's not that important,maybe you can get those needs
fulfilled in some other way, butmaybe it is really important to
you and that is.
I don't think that you shouldbe expected to go without
something really important toyou, and the most important
thing to remember is that youalways have options.
You may not like those options,they might not be good options
(17:56):
that you feel, but you alwayshave options, and so you can
make that very clear to yourpartner.
I'm not willing to live in arelationship where there is no
sexual intimacy or the kitchenis always a mess, right Like
whether it's a deep request or amore superficial request.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
Yes, thinking about how important is this truly to
me, can I live with it?
Yeah, right.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
And so I think what happens sometimes is we get
really complacent, thinking like, well, we're married, we're
locked in.
Too bad, you don't have anychoice, right?
Well, the reality is, if you'renot willing to work with me on
this aspect of of life andmarriage that's really important
to me, then I may have to dosomething different, like I'm
(18:46):
not willing to live the rest ofmy life without this need being
fulfilled.
So a lot of times when I talkto couples about this, it has to
do with going to therapy.
Like there'll be one member ofthe partnership who wants to
work on some aspect of therelationship and there's another
partner who doesn't feel likethere's anything wrong.
(19:06):
And so the way that I advisethem to get their partner to be
on board with therapy they don'thave to love it, they just have
to show up is to show up at thedoor.
Maybe your partner comes homefrom work and you say, hey,
there's something reallyimportant I wanna talk to you
about.
Now be a good time.
Sure, okay, I would really loveto go see a coach or a
(19:27):
counselor.
This is really, reallyimportant to me, and I'd like
for you to come with me.
I've made an appointment forFriday, january 26th I'm going
to go and I need you to comewith me and then the next day
show up and do the same exactthing.
And then the next day come up,do the same exact thing.
(19:50):
And if your partner is resistantto it, then say listen, this is
something that's reallyimportant to me.
If you're not willing tofulfill that request, then I'm
not going to be willing to makedinner anymore.
I mean, I'm not saying, juststart yanking things away, but I
want a relationship that'sfulfilling for both of us in all
of these ways.
And if you're not willing tomake an effort, then I'm going
to no longer do this or providethis service or whatever.
(20:11):
And you can do the same thingwhen it comes to sexual intimacy
.
If you're not willing toexplore this aspect of marriage
that's really really importantto me, well then I'm not going
to be willing to go to work, or,you know, maybe it's that harsh
.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
I don't know if we share that same perspective, but
it's totally okay, becausethere may be people who do, who
are listening.
Well look.
Speaker 3 (20:34):
I think it's really.
This is why we talk to so manypeople Like it's really
interesting to get thesedifferent perspectives.
I see where she's going withthis, though.
What can you do?
This is a big problem that hasto be tackled when this is a
game stopper for me.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
Yeah, okay.
So, monica, that is an approachthat I wouldn't have thought of
before to really make it clearto your partner that this is how
important this is to me, right,yeah, is that what you're
saying?
Speaker 1 (21:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (21:06):
Well, it's part of establishing boundaries too,
like this is a boundary for meand an expectation for me, but
those are hard questions.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
So between here and there, this is my request, and
we're either looking at somepretty big boundaries being set,
huge boundaries being set?
Is there a middle ground?
Do you have some tools forrepairing, whether big or small,
that you've found to be reallyhelpful?
Speaker 1 (21:33):
Well, we can talk about repair.
Repair is simple, but it's verydifficult if you're not doing
it correctly.
So one thing about repair thatI think is exceptionally
groundbreaking is theunderstanding that repair is one
way.
So where a lot of couples getthis wrong and we were getting
it wrong in my own marriage iswhat would happen is I would be
(21:57):
upset about something and Iwould go to my husband and I
would say, hey, you know, I'mreally upset about this thing,
and he would then take thatopportunity to tell me what he
was also upset about.
And then we aren't gettinganywhere because I'm upset about
this thing when he's also upsetabout this thing.
And now, where's the repair?
Now, we've repaired ourgrievances, but nothing's
(22:19):
getting repaired.
So, if you want to put this inlike customer service terms, you
call up the service company andyou say my oven is broken.
You don't want them to say well, our microwave is broken.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
So that's good One way, right yeah?
Speaker 1 (22:39):
I don't care about your microwave, I need my oven
fixed right now.
Your bowl's at a totalstandstill, so when you're in
need of repair you're at thecustomer service window.
Your partner's only job is tounderstand and to figure out
what they can do to make itbetter, and so once you start to
(22:59):
understand that and you startto implement that, it goes so
much smoother.
Now that's not to say that wecan't ever get the microwave
fixed.
It's just in that moment when Istart talking about the oven.
It means we're going to fix theoven first and then later we
can come back and address themicrowave issue Right Now.
(23:22):
The thing that's reallyimportant to remember about
repair and this takes a littlebit of practice is that I give
my couples eight sentences max.
Speaker 3 (23:32):
Okay, I like that.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
Don't give it more than eight sentences.
The human brain can only takenegative, disconfirming
criticism for so long before itjust starts to tune it out.
So if you're a very wordyperson, I suggest that you jot
it down, that you edit out likesuperfluous parts of it, because
(23:56):
you get eight sentences.
Rest your concern, two for eachof these areas.
So before you even start withthe repair process, you do what
I call remembering love, whichis one, remember that the person
you're speaking to is somebodythat you love and that you live
(24:16):
with.
And two, remembering that thereason why you're speaking to
them is to make things betterfor both of you.
I love that.
Speaker 3 (24:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
So if you're in a state of disrepair, you the
first thing you have to do isremember love right.
And that means that right inthe moment when you hit that,
you know I'm really upset,really upset that this happened.
I need to get it figured out.
That's not what the best, mostideal point to initiate some
(24:49):
repair, because you've got toget centered, You've got to get
to that place where you're likeI need to go to my partner, who
I love with all of my heart, whoI want to have this great
partnership and passionate,intimate life with.
And that's why I'm going tohave this conversation, not so
that they feel how pissed off Iam Right.
(25:11):
So first, we're going toremember less.
The person I'm talking to isthe person I've loved the most
in this entire world, and I wantto make this better.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
That seems like it would build a foundation for
everything.
That would be helpful.
Even going back to the previoustopic that we discussed, that
was a little more intense, If weremember.
This is the person I love andwe both.
Oh, before you ask the requestthis is the person that I love
(25:40):
and we both.
Oh, before you ask the requestfor both of us to remember, our
goal is to make the marriage themost important thing in our
life and the most importantrelationship, and our goal is to
help each other be happy.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
Yes, that's so good, I love it.
So then you get.
There's four areas of a repair,two sentences each.
The first one is describe whathappened.
So this is what the securitycam footage would show.
Try to keep emotion out of it,try to keep intentionality out
of it, like this is whathappened.
(26:11):
So you came home at 645 when yousaid you would be home at six
and you walk right past ourscreaming child who was waiting
for you and upset that's evenactually, that's even too much.
You're assuming that your childwas upset because he was
waiting for it.
Speaker 3 (26:30):
Yeah, it's the what, not the why.
It's just what happened it's?
It's a security camera.
Yeah, like that Exactly.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
What would the security cam footage report?
So here's what happened.
First two sentences Okay, whatI made up about that is okay.
So the second sentence is youcan say whatever crazy thing
that you're thinking, as long asyou take responsibility.
But this is my sense.
This is my sense, this is mystory.
This is what I make up about.
(26:58):
It is that you don't care aboutus and our time, that you were
doing whatever you were doingand not thinking about us, or
that you know you feel your timeis more important, that you
know you're selfish.
Whatever you can say all ofthose things, as long as you're
taking responsibility.
(27:18):
This is what I made up aboutwhat happened.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
The story I tell myself.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
The story I tell myself is that you are
inconsiderate and selfish.
Okay, the third phase is how Ifelt about that, and you can say
I feel frustrated, I feel angry, I feel hurt, I feel scared,
whatever those main emotions are.
(27:43):
This is how I felt about whathappened and what I'd like from
you now that's the fourth phaseAgain be behavioral and specific
.
What I'd like from you now isto apologize to your kids and to
me for not valuing our time andnot calling when you knew you
(28:03):
were going to be 45 minutes late.
Okay, and that's the repairprocess.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
Is it repaired at that point, or is there more to
it?
Speaker 1 (28:10):
Well, you have to be willing to let it go.
You have done what you neededto do.
You initiated the repair, youdid the repair process.
Now you've got to let it go.
Now.
Your partner's job during repairis, I think, more difficult is
to be willing to listen withoutgetting defensive, without
listing all the reasons why youwere late.
Right and this is what takespractice is listening to your
(28:34):
partner's concerns or what theyneed repair around, being as
generous as humanly possible,giving them as much as you
possibly can by takingresponsibility.
You're right, I was 45 minuteslate.
I wasn't valuing your time, Iwasn't thinking about the fact
that you were sitting here,dinner on the table waiting for
(28:57):
me to come home.
I didn't call and that wastotally a jerk move and I will
right now apologize to the kidsand to you for being late and I
will do my best to work on thatRight.
So lead with what you'rewilling to give, what you're
willing to acknowledge aboutwhat happened and if you're
(29:19):
willing to fulfill that fourtharea of requests, right.
So that is the skill of repair,both asking for and being the
listener in the repair process,and it takes practice.
It does take practice, but it'sawesome when it works.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
And you find it very successful within the people
that you work with.
It sounds like such a greattool.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
The two things that I think are just the most mind
blowing for people is A thatrepair is one way street.
Like you don't get to likerebuttal.
The partner who's in disrepaircomes to the other partner and
if you're first, you're first,right, like maybe you're both
pissed, but whoever initiatesthe repair gets to go first and
(30:09):
the other person does not get topile on or do their part until
later, after you've tended tothe partner who's in dish repair
.
Then, a couple hours later,you're like hey, I'm also upset
about what happened.
Here's my take on it.
Right, then you get to be at thecustomer service window and
(30:30):
your partner is listening to you.
So that understanding that it'sa one-way street and two, the
eight sentences is huge.
Huge, because then your partnerknows that you're not coming to
them and they're going to haveto sit there for 45 minutes and
listen to you complain and gripeand talk about all the ways in
(30:51):
which they're falling short.
Yesterday and like 12 years ago, right, you know like, okay,
this is going to be quick, we'regoing to get right to the point
.
She's going to tell me how Ican fix it.
Speaker 3 (31:03):
We really appreciate you coming on today, monica.
This has really beeninteresting, and I like how we
can integrate this into our fourcornerstones of identity,
intentionality, insight andintimacy.
I think specifically in regardsto that part where we're doing
(31:23):
a request, because we do talkabout intentionally taking time
with each other, and so, yeah, Ithink this could be a tool for
both wife and husband as theyapproach that, because asking
for requests is really one ofthe deepest things you can do,
and so we have to be prepared,we have to be intentional, and
(31:46):
so these tools you've given Ithink it's going to be very,
very helpful in that.
And then the repair again, it'sa part of being intentional.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
And really both are so much a part of just growing
our intimacy, becoming moreintimate with each other because
we can talk about those hardthings in peaceful ways.
Speaker 3 (32:08):
Yeah, so thank you very much.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
So, monica, if our listeners are interested in
finding you and learning moreabout the work you do, where can
they find you?
Speaker 1 (32:19):
Yeah, so everything you need to know about me can be
found on my website, which isjust my name monicatannercom, so
M-O-N-I-C-A-T-A-N-N-E-Rcom.
So you can find informationabout my podcast, which is
Secrets of Happily Ever After.
You can find me on Instagram ofHappily Ever After.
You can find me on Instagram orfind out how to learn more
(32:39):
about my coaching.
That's great.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
Thank you and everybody until next week.
Have a good week.
Speaker 3 (32:45):
Have a great week.
Thank you so much, and rememberthe intelligent spouse knows
that to change from a stinky toa scintillating marriage first
requires a change in themselves.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Thank you for joining us on Marriage IQ.
We hope today's episode sparkedsome great insights, but why
stop here?
Stay connected and keep themomentum going.
Follow Marriage IQ on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn and YouTube
for more great content on thistopic.
Speaker 1 (33:15):
Thanks everyone for listening to this episode and I
just want to make sure that Icredit Terry real and the
relational life Institute for alot of those frameworks of
repair and request.
If you're following along onsocial media, you know that I
just finished my certificationin RLT and I am so, so excited
to talk more about the wonderfulRLT principles and to
(33:39):
incorporate this into mycoaching with couples.
So if you're looking to improveyour marriage, be sure to reach
out, monnie at monicatanercomand set up a time we can chat.
And until next week, happymarriaging.
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