Bad Marriage Advice - Divorce is NOT an Option

What's the worst piece of marriage advice you've ever received? In my years coaching couples, I've heard countless well-meaning but misguided tips passed down between generations. Today, I'm pulling back the curtain on one of the most damaging myths that keeps showing up, especially in religious communities: "divorce is not an option."

Despite its popularity among relationship experts, this seemingly innocent advice creates devastating ripple effects in marriages. It breeds complacency—why try when your partner is stuck with you anyway? It kills honest communication—why bring up difficult topics when nothing can change? Most ironically, it replaces genuine security with fear, leaving partners wondering if they're chosen or merely tolerated. Instead of creating stability, this mindset often nurtures resentment and emotional distance.

This episode offers a glimpse into my forthcoming book, "Bad Marriage Advice: 15 Myths That Will Make You Miserable," where I counter these harmful ideas with relationship wisdom grounded in choice, growth, and authentic connection. When my son announced his engagement, I realized I wanted to give him a marriage resource that wouldn't set him up for failure, and this book was born. The strongest marriages aren't built on obligation or fear of divorce—they thrive when both partners know they're actively chosen every day despite having other options.

Have you received terrible marriage advice? I'd love to hear your stories! Send written accounts, audio recordings, or videos to [e-mail] to be featured on the podcast and social media. Your experiences can help others recognize and reject the myths that make marriages miserable.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and I'm really excited for
today's episode.
I'm going to be starting totalk about my new book, bad
Marriage Advice 15 Myths thatWill Make you Miserable.
So I announced last week that Ihad written this book and I

(00:22):
want to start giving you someglimpses inside.
But first I have a big ask ofyou.
So, if you are listening tothis podcast, hopefully you came
back to learn more about thebook, and I am so excited about
promoting it and getting it outthere and getting it into as
many hands as possible, and so Iwould love your help with this

(00:45):
one project.
I just thought of something sofun, and that would be if you
the listeners would submit yourstories about bad marriage
advice.
So you can do this in one oftwo ways actually one of three
ways.
Why don't we do it one of threeways?
You can either email me yourwritten out story of the bad

(01:10):
marriage advice you received andjust send it to moni M-O-N-I at
monicatanercom.
So, moni at monicatanercom,send me who you are, how long
you've been married and what isthe worst marriage advice you
received, and give me a littlestory about why.
That would be so awesome.

(01:32):
If you want to write it out,you can write it out or send me
a recorded message.
Tell me who you are, how longyou've been married and your
story about getting terriblemarriage advice.
Or this would be my veryfavorite If you would send me a
video of you or you and yourspouse, introduce yourselves how

(01:56):
long you've been married andthen tell me the worst marriage
advice that you got.
It would be so fun to postthese on my social media
accounts.
I'll talk about them on thepodcast, I'll mention them in
emails, but it would just be sofun to get your stories the
listeners of what is the worstmarriage advice you've ever

(02:17):
received, cause I know you'vegotten it and I know if you've
been married for any length oftime, you probably recognize
that was terrible advice.
So, just for fun, the book isalready written.
It's already in editing, sothere's already the 15 pieces of
bad marriage advice in there.
I just want to know yourstories, your experiences with

(02:38):
bad marriage advice.
So that would be so amazing Ifyou would help me out with that.
It would be so fun to spotlightyou guys, talk about you guys
and just have a good chuckleabout bad marriage advice.
So with that I want to give youa sneak peek into the book and
one of the chapters.
And this piece of advice is soprevalent and it just it makes

(03:04):
me just shudder because it isthe worst advice.
And I'm telling you, I haveinterviewed marriage experts
from all over the place, fromall ages, young and old, and
often I'll ask them what is yourmost important thing that you
teach your couples, or what issome of the secrets to your
success?
What are the types of thing thatyou teach your couples, or what

(03:24):
is some of the secrets to yoursuccess?
What are the types of thingsthat you teach?
And I cannot tell you thenumber of especially Christian
marriage experts who will say orteach their couples that
divorce is not an option.
So they want their couples tofeel like divorce is never an

(03:45):
option.
Take it off the table.
Don't say the D word.
I've heard it in so manydifferent forms.
But let me just tell you, whileI love those people and I'm
sure they help couples withtheir marriage, that is terrible
, awful, no good, very bad.
I repeat do not listen to thisadvice.

(04:09):
So in the book I give you 10reasons why.
Acting as if or feeling like ortelling yourself or operating
as if divorce is not an optionis a horrible, horrible idea.
So I list 10.
I'm going to go over a couple.
So the first one is that actingas if divorce is not an option

(04:34):
for you and your spouseencourages complacency.
I honestly cannot think of abetter way to make you, as a
partner, just kind of resign to.
My partner is stuck with me.
Why would I even try Like, whywould I brush my teeth or do my

(04:56):
hair or get ready for a date oreven do anything that's outside
of my comfort zone that I don'twant to do, because my partner
is locked in and divorce is notan option.
So I'm just going to dowhatever I want and not worry
about the impact it has on mypartner because they can't get
away.
It's like we've already decideddivorce is not an option, right

(05:20):
?
So it encourages complacency.
Now, I'm not saying that youshould be Donna Reed and be
wearing high heels and pearlsand a dress and have your hair
perfectly done in the house,completely spotless, when your
husband or wife gets home fromwork.
I'm not saying that that is theideal, but what I am saying is

(05:40):
that, listen, divorce is alwaysan option.
We always have choice.
Whether we like the choices ornot, your partner can always
decide that they don't want tobe with you.
And I'm not saying that to likescare you or anything like that
, but I am saying that youshould make an effort to be

(06:01):
pleasing to your partner, not toabandon yourself or go out of
your way to only think aboutyour partner and not think about
your own needs.
But definitely you should makean effort.
I mean, don't get married,think that you're locked in and
then just let yourself go.
That is the worst idea.

(06:22):
When couples they just theydon't worry about their
appearance, they don't try togrow and evolve, they don't make
themselves interesting and tryto, you know, make their
marriage better because they'relike sweet, I locked in my
partner and now I can just coastalong and not worry about a

(06:45):
thing.
So that is like reason numberone why acting as if divorce is
not an option is a horrible idea.
The second one I'll talk aboutin this podcast episode is
feeling like divorce is not anoption discourages open and
honest communication.
So when divorce is completelyoff the table, difficult

(07:08):
conversations can feel pointless.
I mean, why am I going to bringup something that's really
important to me, like thequantity or quality of sexual
intimacy that I'm experiencingin my marriage.
If I'm like you know what it'sfalling on deaf ears, my partner
doesn't even care, because whatmotivation do they have to do

(07:31):
something different?
Right?
It can lead to a very surfacelevel marriage where real
concerns are just swept underthe rug, like I don't want to
rock the boat, I'm stuck withthis person for the rest of
forever and I might as well notsay things to upset them because
I mean, what good is that goingto do me anyways?

(07:52):
That is a huge, huge reason whyacting like divorce is not an
option is killing your abilityto communicate or your
motivation to improve yourcommunication skills or bring up
difficult topics or face thethings in your marriage that

(08:12):
could potentially really, reallystrengthen your connection and
your intimacy and, you know,bring your relationship to the
next level.
The only way to up level, Ibelieve, is to confront each
other and to have thosedifficult conversations and to
get uncomfortable and to reallyask for what you need.

(08:35):
And if you feel like you'relocked in and there's nothing
you can do about it, why wouldyou put yourself out there?
Why would you make yourselfvulnerable and why would you
push yourself to have thesedifficult conversations?
Right?
So that's another reason whydivorce is not an option is
horrible advice.
Another reason is that itcreates fear instead of security

(08:59):
.
So, ironically, removing theoption of divorce can make
people feel less secure.
Why?
Because when someone believesthat their spouse has no choice
but to stay with them, theymight wonder are they here
because they love me, or arethey here because they choose me
, or are they here because theyhave no other option?
Right, a relationship that'sbuilt on freedom of choice is

(09:24):
much stronger than arelationship that's built on
obligation.
Now this comes into play inseveral different areas of your
marriage not just the wholestaying together, but freedom
when it comes to emotionalintimacy, sharing your dreams,
your fears, your greatestaspirations, your dreams, your

(09:52):
fears, your greatest aspirations, feeling free and feeling like
your partner wants to supportyou and love you, no matter
where you're at.
That they choose you is such anincredible feeling, way better
than just my partner is stuckwith me, so we'll just keep on
doing what we're doing.
Right, because they're they'restuck Right.
But then you start to wonderlike, ooh, are they here because

(10:13):
they're stuck?
Like, are they responding to mein this way because they feel
stuck, or is there reallysomething under the surface that
we could tackle together andmake our relationship so much
stronger and make my partnerreally want to be with me, right
?
I love knowing that my husbandknows that at any point he could

(10:37):
walk out of here, but I knowthat he chooses me each and
every day, and so I feel supersecure in our relationship.
I feel like I can share withhim vulnerably.
I feel like I can share withhim vulnerably.
I feel like I can share withhim vulnerable.
Oh man, you guys we're going totry again Vulnerably.

(10:57):
Vulnerably, because I know thateven in the hard times, we've
been through a lot of thingstogether and we choose each
other every time, like.
I know that I've responded inhorrible ways to certain things
that he's done, but we've, like,made it through.
We've had the hardconversations and we've

(11:19):
reassured each other that, hey,I choose you like warts and all.
I'm very aware of yourinsecurities, of your weaknesses
, of your shortcomings.
I know about mystiques thatyou've made about what keeps you
up at night and I still chooseto be here with you why?

(11:39):
Because you're the love of mylife and I know that I could
choose somebody else.
I know that I could walk out ofhere.
I know that I could throw up myhands and give up on this
marriage, but I'm not going to,because I love you and I choose
you.
That is trust and security andhow real strong relationship is

(12:01):
built, not like I'm stuck withthis person and this person is
stuck with me.
So you know what are we gonnado right?
And then this one is myfavorite and the last one I'll
share in this episode.
Why acting as if or believingthat divorce is not an option is
detrimental to a really strongrelationship is because it

(12:22):
reinforces a fixed mindsetinstead of a growth mindset.
Now, this is a concept that wascreated or brought about by
Carol Dweck.
She has a book called GrowthMindset that I hugely recommend
it.
But believing that divorce isnever an option can make couples

(12:43):
approach marriage with a fixedmindset, assuming that love,
compatibility and connection arestatic rather than evolving.
This can discourage continuouslearning, adaptation and an
intentional effort to improvethe relationship.
A growth mindset, on the otherhand, to improve the
relationship.

(13:03):
A growth mindset, on the otherhand, recognizes that
relationships require ongoingwork, flexibility and personal
development to thrive.
So I want you to really thinkabout how do you approach this
idea of divorce is or isn't anoption because I know that it's
big advice out there.

(13:24):
I know that lots of big gurusand marriage experts and people
that speak from stages andchurch pastors they talk about
this idea that you shouldapproach your marriage as if
divorce is not an option.
We're not even going to say theD word, like we don't even
bring it up, and I'm I wouldlove for you to reconsider that

(13:49):
idea as damaging to yourrelationship, and in the book I
think I gave you four, but inthe book I list 10 reasons why
this is absolutely detrimentaland how you can start to think
about it differently.
How you can start to approachthis idea that your relationship

(14:10):
is fragile and it deserves yourbest effort.
And when you know that yourpartner is choosing you over all
the other options that are outthere, and when you know that
you're constantly workingtowards creating a relationship
that's worth being in versus arelationship that you're stuck

(14:32):
in, it's really, really going toA empower you and B help you do
the things necessary, learn theskills better yourself, make
yourself more appealing, chooseyour spouse and really dig in
and make your relationshipawesome.

(14:53):
So thank you guys so much forlistening today.
Thank you for getting excitedabout the book.
I'm already getting messages ofpeople who are they love the
cover, they love the concept.
I'm already getting messages ofpeople who are they love the
cover, they love the concept.
I'm just so excited for thisbook to launch this.
It's coming this summer, so getready.

(15:20):
I think it's going to be such agreat book.
I talked about it last week.
I wrote it for my son, who isgetting married to his beautiful
bride very soon and I wanted tobe able to give him all of my
motherly advice to combat theterrible advice that's out there
that I know that well-meaning,you know wonderful adults will
try to give them.

(15:40):
I wanted him to have my take onit.
So, anyways, thank you forbeing excited about the book.
Thanks for listening to thisepisode and we will talk more
about the book bad marriageadvice, all the things that you
guys love to talk about.
And remember my ask if you cantake a moment, even just a few

(16:05):
sentences, to write, to recordor to video yourselves talking
about the bad marriage adviceyou've received, maybe your
experience with it, how youlearned to do differently.
That would be so amazing.
I will treasure it and I willshare it on the podcast, on my
social media, in my newsletterand all the places.

(16:28):
So we will see you same time,same place next week.
And until then, happy marriage.