August 5, 2025 • 45 mins
Trevor Hanson shares powerful insights about how couples unknowingly trigger wounded parts in each other and explains how healing these attachment wounds transforms relationships. Through understanding negative cycles and inner child work, we discover how one person can significantly change relationship dynamics by healing their own insecurities.
• Couples get trapped in negative cycles when they trigger each other's core insecurities
• The "right" partner will hurt you in ways that allow you to heal your deepest wounds
• Communication skills are useless when we're too triggered to access them
• Healing your insecurities allows you to approach relationship challenges differently
• One person can significantly change relationship dynamics by changing themselves
• Recognizing when your prefrontal cortex has gone offline is key to breaking patterns
• Inner child work involves recognizing, validating, truth-telling, and giving yourself what you need
• Explaining your experience to your partner (when not triggered) builds understanding
• Through healing yourself, you increase your partner's capacity to support your healing
• Practice inner child work when calm before attempting it during triggering moments
Find Trevor on Instagram @theartofhealingbytrevor or search Trevor Hanson. Access his free training on the four reasons people stay stuck despite doing all the "right things."
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Monica Tanner (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and I'm really excited, if not
giddy, for this episode.
I have been following my friend, trevor for years and years and
years, and then we ended up ina group together, and so I just
got really excited for thisopportunity to interview him and
(00:20):
to talk about things that wedon't normally talk about on
this podcast but are super,super important and he happens
to be the expert.
So let me tell you a little bitabout Trevor.
He's an internationallyrecognized coach and therapist
dedicated to helping individualstransform anxious attachment
into secure, fulfillingrelationships.
(00:41):
After overcoming his own anxiousattachment, breaking his jaw,
ending a toxic relationship andleaving a corporate career at
Tesla, he found his passion forhealing and helping others.
With a master's degree inmarriage and family therapy and
advanced training and some ofthe world's top attachment
experts, trevor has helpedthousands of clients around the
globe.
He's been featured by GottmanInstitute and has spoken to
(01:01):
audiences of over 10,000.
As the founder of the Art ofHealing, he teaches his unique
the Secure Self journey toovercome attachment issues to
people all over the world,creating lasting change and
healthier relationshipsworldwide.
Can you see why I'm so excitedto talk to him today.
Welcome.
Trevor Hansen (01:18):
Trevor.
Thank you so much, Monica, forhaving me.
I'm really excited to talk toyou.
Monica Tanner (01:23):
Yeah, I think this is going to be a fun back
and forth conversation.
We talk about a lot of similarthings, but in very different
ways, so I'm excited for myaudience to get to hear what
you're passionate about.
Trevor Hansen (01:35):
Yeah, me too.
Monica Tanner (01:37):
So let's start by you talk to a lot of couples.
What would you say is like thebiggest challenge that couples
face?
Trevor Hansen (01:47):
The biggest challenge that couples face is
that they unknowingly triggerwounded parts in each other, or
they trigger things likedefensiveness or criticism or
the shutting down and all thethings that we hear about or
that we see, and they have noidea why it's happening, how
(02:10):
it's happening, and it's justkind of behind the scenes, and
so I honestly think that that'sit.
It's just they trigger for ashorter, more brief way of
saying that, they triggerinsecurities in one another, and
that's why they get stuck.
Monica Tanner (02:27):
Yeah, I talk a lot about the myth that.
So I just wrote this book.
It's called bad marriage advice, and one of the myths in there
is that if you find the rightpartner, they're not going to
hurt you.
And so we can, we can.
I think we can just riff offwhy that's such terrible advice,
because the reality is is theright partner is going to hurt
(02:51):
you in all the ways that allowyou to heal.
Trevor Hansen (02:55):
Yeah, yeah, so you know, when I think about
hurt you, there's kind ofdifferent versions of that right
.
There's like overt, like over,like abuse and kind of things.
That's its own category, right,and I think the right person
won't hurt you that way,obviously.
But the right person can andmost likely will bring up some
(03:20):
sensitivities that maybe youcarry right.
Like, let's say that you know,a classic dynamic is usually and
it can be reversed, but usuallywife, who's like maybe a little
bit more on the anxiousattachment side of things, which
means that she has anunderlying fear of abandonment
(03:40):
or a sense that she might not begood enough.
Yeah, okay, cool me, like I'min that camp.
So the the underlying fear ofabandonment, rejection, maybe
not feeling good enough, and herhusband, um, is a little bit
more on the avoidance side ofthings.
So his core fears are prettysimilar but they might take
slightly different words andreally it's not slightly
(04:01):
different, it's not much of adifference, it's just how he
copes with it.
So she maybe tries to, you know, put out fires and and chase
the problem and he's more likeI'm just gonna duck and hide and
put up a shield right, and hisare more like fear of rejection,
fear of not being enough orseeing is good enough, and, and
(04:23):
you know, they will definitelytrigger each other, hurt each
other, poke into those wounds.
When he goes quiet during a,during an argument, because he's
defending himself from all the,all the things that she's
saying and she's, he's so afraidall of a sudden that's hurting
her and she's getting more upset, and so you know that's.
That has nothing to do withwhether they're right or wrong
(04:45):
for each other.
It just has to do with the factthat they individually carry
and I'll label it for a big oldlabel to make it easier to keep
track of it which is what I justcall it.
They carry insecurities, wounds, negative beliefs, whatever you
want to call it.
I kind of bundle it under theumbrella of insecurities and
they carry them, and so theythey're going to trigger them in
(05:06):
each other.
They might be great for eachother.
They just got to figure out howto manage those, those patterns
that aren't so obvious.
Monica Tanner (05:15):
Yeah, I, I.
We're talking about a serioustopic, but I'm smiling so big
because you literally justdescribed the dynamic in my
marriage for years and years andyears.
Right, I came in super anxiousattachment, lots of abandonment,
wounds you know all stemmingfrom my childhood that I've done
a lot of work on.
And of course I married a manwho is completely avoidant you
(05:38):
know he doesn't have any of thesame wounds that I have, but you
know his way of coping is tojust go quiet, completely
disengaged.
He cannot figure out why I'm sotriggered and agitated, and so
it took a lot of communicationover a lot of years to really
like understand this dynamic andwhat we both needed inside of
(06:00):
it.
And I'm so grateful actuallyfor the opportunity to heal all
of that, because of course it'sour own responsibilities to heal
ourselves.
Like our partner isn't going toheal us, they're going to give
us lots of opportunities to heal, but they also can be a huge
support.
But in order for them to beable to support us in our
healing, we have to be able tocommunicate what's actually
(06:23):
happening.
Trevor Hansen (06:25):
Yeah, absolutely.
You know, and that's where Ithink we also get a little bit
stuck is that we we may learn intheory how to do that in
isolation and practice on ourown.
Like, okay, here's the I feelstatement, I'm going to do a
(06:47):
soft startup and vulnerabilityand all the things, and it's
good and those are good, they'renot to be thrown out the window
.
But then you get into thesituation and it's like, oh,
that crap is useless, you can'teven access it.
You're so triggered, your soulis just so triggered.
So it's this combination of100%, the communication.
It's so deeply importantbecause that's how we're going
(07:07):
to transfer the informationaround what we need.
But I think the big shift thatI've had, especially over the
last few years, has been goingokay.
I want to help you heal theunderlying insecurities, the
fears, the wounds, so that thecommunication skills are then
accessible.
You can actually use them.
(07:28):
You're like strong enough tobear the weight of the emotion
in the moment when things arehappening.
Or maybe the emotion isn'theavy because you are calm and
you're okay and you're secure,right.
Like, let's say, your husbandshuts down during a conversation
.
It used to be triggering likecrazy, like oh my gosh, I got to
go chase him around the roomand get him to talk to me
exactly right.
(07:49):
But once you've done your work,you've done your healing, it
looks like oh, I'm noticing thathe's shutting down.
Okay, it's just somethingobservable.
I know I don't love this.
It it feels uncomfortable, butit's not alarm bells and from
that kind of a place you thenhave the capacity to do
something else other than chasethem around the room while still
(08:12):
maybe continuing theconversation.
Like we talked about this lastnight in the Secure Self Club,
which is my like program that werun, and this one lady was
talking about how her husbandkind of didn't fully shut down
but he kind of glazed over.
He kind of got that like all ofa sudden, something shifted.
He's a little offline and sheknew that something was up and
(08:34):
we talked about and even roleplayed, just saying, hey, I
noticed that maybe somethingshifted for you.
Just there I noticed is such apowerful phrase?
Monica Tanner (08:47):
Yeah.
Trevor Hansen (08:49):
Yeah, and I was like, wow, that's awesome.
Yeah, just oh, I noticed.
But she's not going to be ableto do that if she's in her
triggered woundedness, in herfearful place, where she's
responding from her patternsrather than from a place of
security.
Monica Tanner (09:08):
Yeah, so one of the most important skills that I
work with my clients, like Inoticed, for me changed
everything is the ability torecognize when I, when my
prefrontal cortex has goneoffline and my amygdala has
taken over, so that's that bigfight flight freeze fawn flee
(09:33):
like you know, thing, and it'sjust the knee-jerk reaction, and
there's not really anythingthat we can do to change what
our knee-jerk reaction is.
It's just recognizing it, likethere it is.
Oh my gosh, like I'm triggered,I'm agitated, I'm upset, I feel
the need to protect myself.
And you know, there's nojudgment on that, there's no
(09:56):
judgment on what your go-todefense mechanism is.
It's just recognizing it, likeokay, here it is, here's my
defense mechanism.
Can I take some breaths?
Can I, you know, kind of talkit down and bring my prefrontal
cortex back online?
So now I have access to allthose skills, because the
(10:16):
reality is is and we always saythis as, as RLT trained
practitioners, our job is tohelp you deal with the parts of
yourself that isn't going to useany of the skills.
So I've had clients who've beento years of therapy.
They've gone to millions ofworkshops.
They have tons of skills.
They can't access those skillsonce their prefrontal cortex has
(10:40):
gone offline.
And so first we have to teachhow do we come back down from
that fight flight or freeresponse so that we now can
access all of those wonderfulskills that we've learned.
Trevor Hansen (10:54):
Yeah, yeah, that's, that's it right there
and that's.
There's.
Something powerful there too isI.
I've done a lot of couplestherapy like true blue in the
grit, like you know, breakingdown the hardest emotions,
working with couples that havegone through affairs, addictions
, blending families, like youname it and I started to notice
(11:18):
that I and it's not to say oneis more powerful than the other.
But I think I preached for along time like the only way to
heal the relationship is to havethe relationship in the room,
like they have to all be presentand we have to be doing this.
But then I started to realizethat, you know, a lot of people
don't have that luxury of havingboth partners.
Either the other one's notquite willing yet or just like I
(11:42):
don't know long distance orlogistics whatever, and so I
started working a lot more withthe individual.
And in working with theindividual I discovered that we
individually have a significantability to change our
relationship for the better,even if our partner is not yet
willing, which is so cool.
Think about if they are willinglike, oh man, that doesn't that
(12:04):
.
That double, double down on onthe ability.
And the reason I say that isbecause there's this concept
drawn from emotionally focusedtherapy called the negative
cycle, and the negative cycle isbasically two people triggering
one another, and we alreadystarted to describe it, um, but
I'll I'll give you a little bitmore here.
So it illustrates the point ofhow we can influence our
(12:26):
relationship solo, which is kindof going off of what we're
saying here.
So back to our couple.
She, let's say she grew up in ahome where mom was really hard
to please, mom was reallycritical, or well, yeah, we'll
use that example.
There's a million reasons whyshe could feel this way, but
we'll just say it's that, right,mom was really critical.
And so she feels like she hasthis underlying belief that love
(12:47):
is scarce, that approval isscarce, that she needs to earn
love in order to be enough.
Okay, so she's carrying thataround with her.
And then he maybe had a homewhere he was like banished to
his room anytime.
He had emotions right, ifyou're going to cry, go to your
room, come out.
When you can start to act likea member of this family, oh,
isolation, right, a lot of notgood enough.
(13:09):
And so he learned to bury hisfeelings and duck and cover.
And so when they get into thisrelationship and something is
off, maybe she will most likelyinitiate the conversation.
She will.
He definitely is not going toinitiate the conversation, but
she will.
Right, she's like I got to goout and I got to fix this right.
Earn love, fix it, prove thatI'm good enough.
(13:32):
And so she might engage in somesort of if she feels like
there's a threat to feeling safeand connected in the
relationship, it may come offcritical because she's in a
fight or flight panic place, andso she's going to point out
what he's doing wrong.
And in pointing out what he'sdoing wrong, he's going to hear
(13:52):
the same message that he got asa child, which is you're not
doing it right, you're not goodenough, you need to be different
in order to be enough.
And so he goes to his defaultand he ducks and cover right,
I'm out of here.
The more he does that, the moreshe feels like Holy crap, he's
running away from me, he'sabandoning me.
I got to double down and I'mnow.
I'm chasing, I'm saying youalways do this, you never do
(14:15):
that.
And he's digging himself deeper.
He's like he's like in thegarage at this point and she's
like, you know, like we're outof the house almost, and he's
like going to drive to afriend's.
And what's wild here is thatyou know, we can see how his
behavior is her trigger and herbehavior is his trigger.
(14:36):
Underneath the surface are allthese fears of abandonment,
rejection, trying to be goodenough, longing for closeness,
longing for connection, butneither of them are saying it.
He's saying anything.
He's just sending the messagethat she's crazy, she's too much
, and he can't handle her so heneeds to get away from her.
And she's sending the messagethat you're not good enough and
(14:57):
you're a horrible guy and that'sme.
Yeah, that's not the message atall.
And so what if just one of theminterrupted the cycle and
somebody might sit there and go?
Well, trevor, that's not fair.
I don't want to be the one todo all the work.
It's like I don't really carewhat's fair, I care what's going
to work for you.
Like I want to help youaccomplish your goals, whether
it's fair or not.
(15:17):
And I mean that extends to apoint If you're the only one
doing the work ever, then okay,we got to reassess that.
But this is kind of the approachthat we take in my work.
I help people heal, right.
And so, let's say, I'm workingwith her.
Healing her looks like healingthat fearful part of her that is
(15:38):
afraid of abandonment, thebeliefs that she's not good
enough and the beliefs that shehas to perform in order to be
loved, and it's replaced by adeep sense of connection with
herself, security, that even ifhe's not giving you love, you're
okay and I'm all right and I'mgoing to be all right with this.
And so when something is off,she, naturally without any
skills, just starts approachinghim with more openness,
(16:02):
curiosity.
She's slower in the way shespeaks.
She brings in this energy thatdoesn't say you're in trouble.
She brings in this energy thatsays I care about you and I care
about us.
Monica Tanner (16:12):
And he Ooh this is cool, this is really
important.
She brings in this energy thatsays I'm hurting and it's not
your fault.
Trevor Hansen (16:21):
Yeah, but you yeah.
And even if it shifts a littlewhere she says I'm hurting and
you are partly responsible, hereit's also like non-condemning,
it's non-judgmental, and I knowthis is a long spiel, but it
helps her out.
Monica Tanner (16:42):
It's a great scenario.
I love it.
I think it's relatable to a lotof people listening.
Trevor Hansen (16:47):
We'll tie a bow on it here.
So she's approaching him thatway and what will happen?
Not immediately, because if youhave years of the old pattern,
he's going to brace himself, nomatter what, no matter how you
approach him.
He's going to be like oh no,duck and cover, I'm out of here,
she's coming at me, and so youcan't expect it to change
overnight.
But this is the differencebetween manipulation and
(17:08):
influence you are notmanipulating his behavior into
doing something different, butyou will influence it.
So when you approach him withthat non-blaming that connected.
You approach him with thatnon-blaming that connected, that
confident, secure energy andwords.
He will most likely feel moresafe.
(17:31):
He will most likely feel moreopen.
He will be more curious himselfand, like I said, not
immediately, it may take somereps, but he will feel that way
and from that natural state ofbeing, he will most likely
respond in kind with more safety.
Again, without any skills, hewill unconsciously do this.
He will start to be morewilling to talk to you about
whatever's going on.
(17:53):
And you didn't even you didn't,you didn't tell him to.
He didn't tell himself to.
He didn't think about therapyor the workshop that you guys
did together.
Not at all.
It's just because he feels safeand he feels connected.
Right, you go to sleep whenyou're tired.
It just happens.
You don't think about it, youdon't try.
It's just the natural reactionto the internal state of
(18:15):
tiredness, and so that's where Igo.
Oh, how cool is this.
You, if you have problems inyour relationship, for now,
focus on healing your heart andmost likely it will impact your
relationship and their behaviorin a massive way.
Monica Tanner (18:31):
Yeah, I mean, there's so many things that you
said there that I would love torespond to, but I do think you
can definitely spark change inthe relationship on your own,
but in order to sustain it, theyboth partners need to
participate.
But you know, I think one ofthe most impactful things that
I've ever done for my ownrelationship I'm doing this
(18:53):
stuff all the time.
I'm doing this work, I'mlearning about it and working
with other couples.
My husband is like learningabout it and working with other
couples.
My husband is like I'm cool,I'm chill, right, but being able
to explain to him theexperience I have when I'm
triggered, because he doesn'tunderstand that experience, it's
not his experience, right?
So when you, when you weretalking about the wife who you
(19:16):
know, I don't think that my momwas critical, but I have that
exact same wounding.
Trevor Hansen (19:23):
It's like the different source.
Monica Tanner (19:25):
Right, exactly, but.
But my experience is there'snot enough love here, and if I
am not perfect, if you know I dosomething wrong, the love is
going to be taken away from me.
Right?
My husband grew up in a verydifferent scenario.
Like, for him, there's enoughlove to go around.
Like, what are you evenfreaking out about, right?
And so for me to be able to,like, spend enough time with
(19:47):
myself to kind of recognize, tojust be able to journal it out,
talk it out with coaches andcounselors, to be able to
understand.
This is my experience.
To be able to understand thisis my experience.
This is why I get so triggered.
This is why, when you go to bedand I'm still freaking out
about something, my brain, thestory that happens in my brain
(20:09):
is you're going to wake up andbe like this is too much, I'm
out of here.
Right, that's, that's mybiggest fear.
And so to be able to explain itto him in a way when you know,
not in the middle of conflict,not in a way that this is your
fault, or you able to explain itto him in a way when you know,
not in the middle of conflict,not in a way that this is your
fault or you need to fix it oranything like that, but just
like this is the experience I'mhaving.
And once I could explain it tohim in a way that he, you know,
(20:36):
without having his guard up,without having to withdraw,
without feeling like there'ssomething he needed to do
differently or better, you knowwe could come up with some
solutions, like these littlecatchphrases that we use, like
I'm not going anywhere, I chooseyou, we're in this together,
right, so he's not healing me,but he is supporting my healing.
But I had to do the work first.
(20:56):
I had to like figure out, like,why this is so hard for me, why
do?
And now we really have gottento the point where we've been
married 23 years.
But he can see it on my face.
He can see when I'm like, oh mygosh, like I'm, you know
something bad is about to happen, right, he can see it on my
face and he's like whoa, whoa,whoa, I'm not going anywhere,
(21:17):
let's work this out, right, andI can take a deep breath and you
know, my nervous system canrelax and I can go oh okay,
we've got a lot of skills here.
Trevor Hansen (21:34):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
And you know, you say like he'snot healing me and I, you know,
I've done my own work and youknow, in a way I've wrestled
with that a little bit too,actually, because I feel like,
on the one hand, we actually dodeepen our healing when we have
those like interactions, right,like he's not, he's not
primarily responsible for it andhe has no idea he's even doing
(21:56):
it.
But if we feel, let's take thefear of abandonment, fear of
rejection kind of thing, right,if we carry that around, we're
always afraid that we're notdoing it right at work, we're
always afraid that we're notgood enough for our friends, or
it comes up in our intimaterelationships.
That wasn't taught to us.
Nobody sat down and was like,okay, you got to feel this way.
It's because we had experienceson repeat like having a
(22:17):
critical mom or having maybejust having like a ton of
siblings and there wasn't enoughattention and it's just like
there's no, nobody did anythingwrong, it's just I got like six
other people to compete withhere and there's not enough time
in the day, let alone to cleanthe house and everything else.
I don't even know how people dothat, like I've got one kid and
I'm like holy crap, likethere's always so much to do,
(22:52):
but anyway it's repetitiveexperiences where, in the care
of someone else, you didn't feelseen, safe, loved or have your
emotional needs met in one wayor another, whether it was
insidious and horrible and likeabusive or just passive in life
and life.
And how we heal that is byproviding experiences where you
feel safe, seen, safe and loved.
The first person to do that hasgot to be yourself.
It's an internal work, right.
I'm addressing that part of methat feels so fearful, that
(23:16):
feels like I'm not enough, andI'm doing work around that and
providing that.
Another layer of that is withincommunity with others.
That's why in what we do in mysecure self club that's why it's
the club, that's why it's thecommunity we need you to come in
and have an environment whereyou're like holy cow, I can
bring my everything that I have,my anger, my shame, that weird
(23:40):
thing about me that nobody knowsand I'm just loved deeply for
it.
And that experience.
It's like we're kind ofbalancing the scales, right.
We're taking all theseexperiences from our growing up
and we're starting to add it tothe other side of the scale and
it's starting to tip over right.
And it can be with self, it canbe with other, and a really
powerful one with other is whenyou do it with your spouse and
(24:04):
this is as cool as bark whenyou're doing it with yourself,
when you're providing those safeexperiences, when you're doing
that emotional healing you likewe talked about in that last
dynamic increase your partner'scapacity to participate in your
healing.
They get a join, they get ahold.
You and say I'm not goinganywhere, I choose you.
Your catchphrase is beautiful,beautiful.
(24:25):
And in that moment theemotional experience is what
heals you.
They got to participate, butyou got to create the
environment in which they can,and it's like oh, dad is so cool
.
Monica Tanner (24:40):
I'm getting so giddy about the direction of
this is because, like what I'mso passionate about, what I love
working with clients on ishealing that inner child,
because that's reparenting it,that inner child.
Right?
Because no matter how amazingour parents were and you know,
some of us came our parents wereamazing, and some of us our
parents were amazing and some ofus our parents were lacking
right, yeah, but once we becomean adult, it becomes our
(25:03):
responsibility to repit.
So what happened was we createdadaptations don't to, in
response to whatever we,whatever scenario we grew up in.
And so now those adaptationsare not so they're.
They were adaptive, maladaptive, now, right.
So we've got these adaptationsthat aren't necessarily working
(25:27):
in our relationships now.
They're kind of working againstus, and so it becomes our job
to now go in to see that littlechild inside of us, to thank
them for keeping us alive andgetting us the things that we
needed all growing up.
But now, guess what?
It's time to reparent them, toput some guidelines on them, to
remind them that we're an adultand we can take care of them and
(25:50):
we're not going to leave themand they won't have to be alone
anymore and we don't need themto take over in those, in those
triggering moments, right, andso, yes, it's like it's about us
doing that work, but I lovedoing that work in the presence
of the partner because then,just as you described now, they
get to participate in thatreally cool work.
Trevor Hansen (26:14):
Yeah, yeah, that's, it's really meaningful.
Yeah, I, I, I see that as well,and it's it's when, and what
empathy that brings, when youget to watch your partner like
move through that and workthrough that and realizing, whoa
, like that, when your partnercan see that who they've been
(26:35):
fighting against is actually alittle six year old version-old
version of you.
It's like, oh well, that changesthe fight completely, changes
it completely.
The empathy comes in.
It's just this realization, likeholy cow, look at that and
honestly, it's who you've beenfighting against, like
individually, right when I, whenI because sometimes when we
(26:59):
gain awareness of our patternslike you know, we read all the
books, we do all the things wegain a ton of awareness Um, we
then can add on a layer of shamebecause we're like well, now I
know what I'm supposed to do,but I can't do it.
And now I think I'm the worst.
I always fly off the handle, orI'm so clingy in relationships,
or I'm this or that, like,whatever it is, and you can feel
(27:20):
big old piles of shame foryourself.
But what this does is it shiftsthat dynamic to where you're
like oh, I feel so compassionatetowards that part of me that
feels like I have to prove thatI'm enough.
That's always people pleasing,that's hiding my own needs, or
maybe getting critical when Idon't feel like I'm getting what
I want, and it's like, okay, Iget why I do that, like I can
(27:44):
love myself for that and it'snot effective, but it makes a
lot of sense.
Monica Tanner (27:50):
Right, yes, it always makes sense when you get
down to the root of it.
But it's so interesting becauseI grew up thinking my mom was
so weird and woo and now I'mrealizing that she's brilliant.
But she always keeps picturesof her and her partner in her
(28:10):
bedroom as little children and,you know, it's like almost like
a little shrine to them, and soI mean that's how I, when I
would go in, I'd be like mom,that is so weird.
But now I realize thebrilliance in it is that you
know, their kind of work islearning how to love this little
girl and this little boy, right?
(28:31):
Can they love their own littleboy and little girl and can they
see each other's little boy andlittle girl in those high
conflict moments, right?
And so it's so cool now that Ihave been trained and I do this
work and I it like.
That is such an honor to me toget to help couples see the
little boys and little girlsinside of them and each other.
Trevor Hansen (28:55):
Yeah, no doubt, and it's.
It's a very powerful, verypowerful thing to do, and it
does sound a little woo-woo andit feels a little silly
sometimes when people first getinto it.
I'll have them actually out loud, speak to that part of
themselves and they're like ohman, I don't know.
This feels a little weird, butwhat's crazy is you do it and
(29:16):
it's wild, put there or createyou.
It feels like you're getting ananswer back.
You know, some people will havesurprising answers.
They're like my inner child issaying this.
I don't even know what it meansyet.
And then we unpack it and allof a sudden we realize, oh wow,
(29:38):
that message that they'resending connects back to this
particular memory, when you werein like sixth grade and this
happened or whatever else.
And it's and it's, it's pretty,pretty cool what our minds are
capable of storingsubconsciously.
And then we get to access itthrough some conscious digging,
which is hard Because themajority of our responses are
(29:59):
driven from that subconsciouspart of our mind.
We don't think about a lot ofthings we do.
Rarely are we thinking aboutwhat we're doing.
Monica Tanner (30:07):
Right, inner child work is so powerful and it
really is such a most people gothrough life just on autopilot,
right?
They're just doing what wasmodeled for them.
You know they're, they'reliving from their adaptations
that in a lot of times, thoseinner child adaptations are
rewarded out in the world likethey help you be really
(30:29):
successful.
However, they oftentimes make ahash of your personal life, of
your interpersonal relationshipsand your relationships with
your children, honestly.
So it is so important to dothat work, and so I I really
want to extend an invitation toanyone who's listening to really
take a moment to consider.
You know, do I have a hard timein interpersonal relationships?
(30:53):
Can I see that inner childcoming out in moments that are
difficult between my romanticpartner and myself, you know?
And would inner child work bebeneficial Because there are
people like Trevor and I who canhelp walk you through and kind
of unpack some of the thoseadaptations that are messing
(31:17):
with you?
Trevor Hansen (31:17):
Yeah, yeah, you know, if someone's listening to
this for the first time, I couldimagine that they'd be thinking
, well, this sounds pretty cool.
I have no idea, like, how.
Like what do you mean when youmean that?
And I have a little story thatI feel like helps illustrate it
pretty well.
That might might be good takehome and we could plug it in
with a little bit of a frameworkon just like how to get going
(31:38):
on your own kind of a thing.
So if you're cool with that,I'd love that.
So one day I'm sitting inChick-fil-A you've probably
heard this story, maybe, I don'tknow if you have.
I tell it on some podcasts.
So I'm at Chick-fil-A and I'msitting like across from this
booth and there's a dad and hisdaughter, you know.
They're sitting on the redchairs and they're having a good
(32:00):
time.
And she's doing this thing.
She's four years old, I think.
She's running back and forthfrom the playground to dad,
getting that bite of chickennugget and then running right,
living her best life.
Messy hair, she's like sweating, so it's kind of like clinging
to her head.
She's barefoot, her little feetjust slapping on the floor
Every time she comes, like shewas coming from behind me.
I knew every time she wascoming, cause she could hear her
little feet and she was havingthe best time ever.
(32:21):
But it came to the point whereevery in every four year old's
day, that's the worst point atChick-fil-A, which is go home
time, right?
Dad turns to her and says hey,sweetie, it's time to go home.
And then all of a sudden as sheshould she responds from a
place that was not very rationalor grounded, because she's four
, of course.
That's exactly where she'ssupposed to be right, just as
(32:43):
your inner child is respondingexactly how they should.
That part of you was built whenyou were a tiny little part of
your brain was built when youwere a tiny little human being
and so of course, you canrespond that way.
And her rational responsessounded like this Dad, we're
never going to come back.
Dad, you're being so mean, and.
But, dad, like I love the redchairs, she loved the red chairs
(33:08):
and so which I think was apretty rational part I do like
the red chairs too.
So she's sitting with him andcrying and what dad does is not
grab her by the hand or rip herout of the room and say let's go
.
We've seen that and it's veryuncomfortable watching that kind
of thing, right?
But he did something differentand he models for us how we can
(33:30):
interact with the irrationalparts of ourselves, with the
inner child, with the fearfulpart of us that says my
partner's going to leave me,they hate me, I'm not enough, or
whatever else it is.
And he leans over and he firstgains her trust.
And we can do this internallyfor ourselves.
But how he gains her trust ishe just repeats back what he's
hearing with a lot of softnessand compassion.
(33:53):
He says oh sweetie, you feellike we're never going to come
back.
That's really scary, becauseyou love it here.
And she's like, yeah, and all ofa sudden you can see her kind
of like coming online, likeshe's gets that soft, like
choked up yeah, that squeaks outof her throat as she's kind of
agreeing with dad and he goesand you feel like dad's being
really mean because he's pullingyou out of here and she's going
(34:15):
, yeah, and you can even see herstarting to doubt that.
She's like well, I kind of knowthat dad's not mean, but it
feels like he's being mean andhe goes.
I get why you feel like I wouldbe mean right now.
That makes sense.
You love it here and he and Iknow you love the red chairs
Like they're so freaking cool.
I totally get it.
And at this point she issoftened and because he gained
(34:36):
the trust he just saw her, hedidn't agree with her, he just
validated her experience andthen he was able to provide her
truth, truth that he wasconnected to because he was an
adult, he had a greater vision,some rational thinking, and he
says to her you know, we alwayscome back for your cousin
(34:58):
whenever they have the soccergame.
And then we come back hereafter do you remember?
We do that like every week, andshe goes.
Oh yeah, starting to realizethat she goes.
And you know what?
Dad's not trying to be mean,mom's waiting for you.
She's so excited to see you.
Are you excited to see mom?
She's like, oh yeah, she's inyour princess bed, she's at home
, you know, with the newcomforter on it and it's way
more comfy than these red chairs.
And she's like, oh yeah, she'sstarting to realize all this
(35:29):
truth that something else juststoked out of her mind, like
doesn't even think aboutChick-fil-A again.
And they get in the car andshe's fine.
You know, no arching back,trying to clip her into the car
seat, kind of thing I do that alot with.
Knows it's okay, that knows ourpartner's not going to leave us
, that knows we have infiniteworth and value.
And the part of us that is notalways rational, the inner part
(36:01):
that is fearful, and I just waslike, oh, that is exactly the
model that we can follow.
Monica Tanner (36:07):
That's so good, yeah, so wait, I want to.
Just because you told it in theframework of a story was
beautiful.
But I want to like extract it.
Yes, so step one you want torecognize and validate.
Trevor Hansen (36:21):
Yeah, I think that's the first thing, right,
so you recognize what's going on.
Oh, so if, if we take this andput it into like a real life
example, uh, your partner isdoing something that makes you
feel like unseen.
Right, they didn't put theirdish in the dishwasher and
you've asked a million times,and the meaning that you're
making, or the inner child, issaying he doesn't love me.
Okay, so it's pausing and going.
(36:44):
Hey, little part of me, I'mnoticing where I feel in my body
.
I'm kind of speaking to it.
I'm saying, oh, you're feelinglike he doesn't love you because
he didn't put the dish in thedishwasher.
I get why you'd feel that way.
Yeah, I know that growing up,people overlooked your needs and
you never had people listen toyou and you didn't have a voice,
(37:04):
and so right now, it probablyfeels the same.
Right, that dish is way biggerthan just a dish.
I get it.
Oh, man, even saying it, I'mnot even.
That's not even a real scenariofor me.
I'm feeling good, even sayingit out loud.
So that would probably be stepnumber one.
Monica Tanner (37:23):
So recognize and validate Number two.
I'm thinking like, face thatfear, like what is that fear?
Is that the fear is that hedoesn't love me, he doesn't care
about my needs.
He's doing the same thing thatwas done to me when I was young.
Trevor Hansen (37:33):
Yeah, yeah, and it kind of you know it.
That can kind of be combined ina way in step one, because
we're kind of acknowledging thatfear, but it is helpful, if
it's helpful, pulling out andextracting specific language
around the fear, I think is agreat idea.
What you're saying is greatIsolate the fear right, Know it
and continue to recognize andvalidate that as well.
(37:55):
And that opens up then the nextphase, which is just truth
telling right.
Hey, are there otheralternatives for why he left the
dish in the sink?
Monica Tanner (38:09):
Do we?
Trevor Hansen (38:09):
really believe that he doesn't love us.
Because of that, I want toreassure you the truth that he
does love you.
I'm going to reassure you theother truth, that he's super
forgetful and he's being alittle bit of a bozo right now
and that's okay.
Like that makes sense.
Or I want to reassure you thathe's been working double
overtime this last week and he'shis mind is everywhere else.
(38:30):
And, like I want to reassureyou of all these things and even
truths that transcend thesituation, which is, even if it
meant that he didn't love you,it doesn't mean that you're
unlovable.
Monica Tanner (38:42):
Right, I think that's kind.
Of step four is give yourselfwhat you need in that moment,
right Like it's okay.
Trevor Hansen (38:48):
I love you, I'm here for you.
I will always give you what youneed in that moment, right Like
it's okay, I love you, I'm herefor you.
Monica Tanner (38:52):
I will always give you what you need.
Trevor Hansen (38:55):
Absolutely.
That would be.
Bringing it home is is fillthat need for yourself and then,
as you've done, some of thatthat brings up.
You know we're talking aboutlike in the moment situation.
We're using this as a copingmechanism in this example, but
where this would be mosteffective is don't try to do it
(39:17):
when it's hot and hard, do itwhen it's easy.
Right, notice a trigger, thinkabout a situation you know, in
isolation, where it's controlled, speaking to that inner child,
maybe visiting in your mind avisual representation of a
moment in your life when you didfeel like somebody didn't love
you and like go and rescue thatlittle version of you with some
(39:42):
kind language and somereassurance.
What would you say to them?
What would you do?
Right, journal it.
You could write it down.
This is what I would say Writeit in a letter form, whatever it
is, but interacting across thissame pattern where we're
recognizing fears and feelingsand validating, showing them the
truth behind whatever thescenario is, beyond the
(40:03):
catastrophic thinking, and thenproviding for the need.
So I guess, if we were to boilit down into like three little
nuggets that's maybe how I wouldsummarize that and it can be a
coping mechanism in the moment.
It can be solo and isolated.
I say you do it isolated firstbecause it's way easier than
trying to do it when you're allmad or triggered or whatever
else.
(40:23):
But you do this enough, andthat's balancing those scales
that we talked about.
Right, the scale of childhoodis weighed down through things
like neglect, and then webalance it out by giving
ourselves this love andattention and, yeah, you could
do it.
You could do it every day for afull week, you could.
There's so many ways that youcould do it.
Um, but that that's kind of agood starter or introduction to
(40:47):
the idea of, like, how do youtangibly do some inner child
work?
Monica Tanner (40:51):
I love that because and I love that you
brought up the letter because Ido, when I'm doing inner child
work with people, I do have themwrite a letter, but it's the
letter is kind of taking controlback.
It's like, you know, I see you,I honor you and thank you for
you know getting me here to thispoint, and now I, I I want to
(41:14):
let you know that I can handlethese things right, so you don't
have to anymore.
It's kind of like taking backthis, this power from this inner
child.
So I love that in the moment,maybe take a break, take a
moment, go in the other room andassure yourself, like, do that
whole talking, exercise throughit, but then also in a in a
(41:35):
non-triggered moment, write thatletter, like, go like I see you
.
Thank you for for doing all ofthis for me, like I so
appreciate your service to mefor all these years.
But now you get to just hangout Like I'm just going to put
you in my heart and I'm an adultand you know I can handle these
(41:55):
big situations now with my bigadult body and your little, you
know, your little scared self orwhatever can just rest
peacefully in my heart and knowthat I love you.
I'm not leaving you, you know.
Trevor Hansen (42:08):
leaving you, you know we're in this together now
yeah, you know, and it's amazingwe have the capacity to do that
, because some people are like,well, I don't know if I can do
that and I'm like, are you a mom?
like that's the question Ialways ask mothers and they're
like, yeah, I'm like then you'rea freaking pro.
(42:28):
You know exactly how to love,lift, nurture, be kind to a
child, and sure, there is mighthave been moments in your you
know child raising years whereyou didn't do it quite the way
you wanted to.
You responded with harshnessrather than softness and
leadership, but now we arelearning how to lean on the you
(42:50):
know the part of you that knowsthat you can combine.
You know it's as you're saying.
What you're saying, I'mthinking of the word leadership.
It's like a combination of like, gentle, compassion, but also
strong, assertive leadership,and that, oh that creates such
safety.
Can you think about like I don'tknow, I'm just like imagining
if I had, like a tour guidesomewhere, like I'm like going
(43:10):
to the mountains or I'm goingdown a river or something that
involves some danger, andthey're like, so in tune with me
, they know what I want, they'recompassionate, but they're also
a bit aggressive in a certainway in their leadership.
They know exactly what theywant to do and they're very
assertive and they can moveforward.
It's like that is some safety.
I want to be with that guy allday.
(43:36):
That sounds awesome and you getto be that person for your
inner child, and it's so cool.
Monica Tanner (43:40):
Trevor, this has been so fun.
I feel like I could talk to youfor hours, but I'm sure we
should probably do this againsometime.
But thank you so much for yourtime and for your wisdom and for
sharing so openly what you doand how you help people.
Can you give the listeners asense of how they can find you
learn more from you?
Trevor Hansen (44:01):
Great.
So the first thing you can doif you're on Instagram, most of
my stuff is there.
That's kind of where a lot ofthe public community lives,
which is Instagram.
My handle is the art of healingby Trevor Um, or if you look up
Trevor Hanson, I'll probably bethe first one that pops up
Hanson with an O, n and there.
If you're like, hmm, I want totake like a one.
(44:22):
Next step, what I would suggestdoing is there's a free
training or a little seminarthat I got and and it teaches.
There's four reasons why peopleare stuck, even if they're
reading the books, going totherapy, doing all the right
things, feeling that anxiousattachment or that fear of
abandonment, feeling not goodenough.
Because most people that wework with are stuck even though
(44:42):
they're doing all the rightstuff.
And so I was like well, whatare the things that they're
missing?
And I just put them in atraining teaching you so that
you can kind of start to getunstuck.
And I always tell people that'sa great place to start with me,
right?
If you're like, oh, I need some, I want to continue to learn
and I don't really know what todo and I don't want to just
watch the you know the reels,cause they don't go deep enough.
I think that would be a good, agood.
(45:04):
Next one
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and I'm really excited, if not
giddy, for this episode.
I have been following my friend, trevor for years and years and
years, and then we ended up ina group together, and so I just
got really excited for thisopportunity to interview him and
(00:20):
to talk about things that wedon't normally talk about on
this podcast but are super,super important and he happens
to be the expert.
So let me tell you a little bitabout Trevor.
He's an internationallyrecognized coach and therapist
dedicated to helping individualstransform anxious attachment
into secure, fulfillingrelationships.
(00:41):
After overcoming his own anxiousattachment, breaking his jaw,
ending a toxic relationship andleaving a corporate career at
Tesla, he found his passion forhealing and helping others.
With a master's degree inmarriage and family therapy and
advanced training and some ofthe world's top attachment
experts, trevor has helpedthousands of clients around the
globe.
He's been featured by GottmanInstitute and has spoken to
(01:01):
audiences of over 10,000.
As the founder of the Art ofHealing, he teaches his unique
the Secure Self journey toovercome attachment issues to
people all over the world,creating lasting change and
healthier relationshipsworldwide.
Can you see why I'm so excitedto talk to him today.
Welcome.
Trevor Hansen (01:18):
Trevor.
Thank you so much, Monica, forhaving me.
I'm really excited to talk toyou.
Monica Tanner (01:23):
Yeah, I think this is going to be a fun back
and forth conversation.
We talk about a lot of similarthings, but in very different
ways, so I'm excited for myaudience to get to hear what
you're passionate about.
Trevor Hansen (01:35):
Yeah, me too.
Monica Tanner (01:37):
So let's start by you talk to a lot of couples.
What would you say is like thebiggest challenge that couples
face?
Trevor Hansen (01:47):
The biggest challenge that couples face is
that they unknowingly triggerwounded parts in each other, or
they trigger things likedefensiveness or criticism or
the shutting down and all thethings that we hear about or
that we see, and they have noidea why it's happening, how
(02:10):
it's happening, and it's justkind of behind the scenes, and
so I honestly think that that'sit.
It's just they trigger for ashorter, more brief way of
saying that, they triggerinsecurities in one another, and
that's why they get stuck.
Monica Tanner (02:27):
Yeah, I talk a lot about the myth that.
So I just wrote this book.
It's called bad marriage advice, and one of the myths in there
is that if you find the rightpartner, they're not going to
hurt you.
And so we can, we can.
I think we can just riff offwhy that's such terrible advice,
because the reality is is theright partner is going to hurt
(02:51):
you in all the ways that allowyou to heal.
Trevor Hansen (02:55):
Yeah, yeah, so you know, when I think about
hurt you, there's kind ofdifferent versions of that right
.
There's like overt, like over,like abuse and kind of things.
That's its own category, right,and I think the right person
won't hurt you that way,obviously.
But the right person can andmost likely will bring up some
(03:20):
sensitivities that maybe youcarry right.
Like, let's say that you know,a classic dynamic is usually and
it can be reversed, but usuallywife, who's like maybe a little
bit more on the anxiousattachment side of things, which
means that she has anunderlying fear of abandonment
(03:40):
or a sense that she might not begood enough.
Yeah, okay, cool me, like I'min that camp.
So the the underlying fear ofabandonment, rejection, maybe
not feeling good enough, and herhusband, um, is a little bit
more on the avoidance side ofthings.
So his core fears are prettysimilar but they might take
slightly different words andreally it's not slightly
(04:01):
different, it's not much of adifference, it's just how he
copes with it.
So she maybe tries to, you know, put out fires and and chase
the problem and he's more likeI'm just gonna duck and hide and
put up a shield right, and hisare more like fear of rejection,
fear of not being enough orseeing is good enough, and, and
(04:23):
you know, they will definitelytrigger each other, hurt each
other, poke into those wounds.
When he goes quiet during a,during an argument, because he's
defending himself from all the,all the things that she's
saying and she's, he's so afraidall of a sudden that's hurting
her and she's getting more upset, and so you know that's.
That has nothing to do withwhether they're right or wrong
(04:45):
for each other.
It just has to do with the factthat they individually carry
and I'll label it for a big oldlabel to make it easier to keep
track of it which is what I justcall it.
They carry insecurities, wounds, negative beliefs, whatever you
want to call it.
I kind of bundle it under theumbrella of insecurities and
they carry them, and so theythey're going to trigger them in
(05:06):
each other.
They might be great for eachother.
They just got to figure out howto manage those, those patterns
that aren't so obvious.
Monica Tanner (05:15):
Yeah, I, I.
We're talking about a serioustopic, but I'm smiling so big
because you literally justdescribed the dynamic in my
marriage for years and years andyears.
Right, I came in super anxiousattachment, lots of abandonment,
wounds you know all stemmingfrom my childhood that I've done
a lot of work on.
And of course I married a manwho is completely avoidant you
(05:38):
know he doesn't have any of thesame wounds that I have, but you
know his way of coping is tojust go quiet, completely
disengaged.
He cannot figure out why I'm sotriggered and agitated, and so
it took a lot of communicationover a lot of years to really
like understand this dynamic andwhat we both needed inside of
(06:00):
it.
And I'm so grateful actuallyfor the opportunity to heal all
of that, because of course it'sour own responsibilities to heal
ourselves.
Like our partner isn't going toheal us, they're going to give
us lots of opportunities to heal, but they also can be a huge
support.
But in order for them to beable to support us in our
healing, we have to be able tocommunicate what's actually
(06:23):
happening.
Trevor Hansen (06:25):
Yeah, absolutely.
You know, and that's where Ithink we also get a little bit
stuck is that we we may learn intheory how to do that in
isolation and practice on ourown.
Like, okay, here's the I feelstatement, I'm going to do a
(06:47):
soft startup and vulnerabilityand all the things, and it's
good and those are good, they'renot to be thrown out the window
.
But then you get into thesituation and it's like, oh,
that crap is useless, you can'teven access it.
You're so triggered, your soulis just so triggered.
So it's this combination of100%, the communication.
It's so deeply importantbecause that's how we're going
(07:07):
to transfer the informationaround what we need.
But I think the big shift thatI've had, especially over the
last few years, has been goingokay.
I want to help you heal theunderlying insecurities, the
fears, the wounds, so that thecommunication skills are then
accessible.
You can actually use them.
(07:28):
You're like strong enough tobear the weight of the emotion
in the moment when things arehappening.
Or maybe the emotion isn'theavy because you are calm and
you're okay and you're secure,right.
Like, let's say, your husbandshuts down during a conversation
.
It used to be triggering likecrazy, like oh my gosh, I got to
go chase him around the roomand get him to talk to me
exactly right.
(07:49):
But once you've done your work,you've done your healing, it
looks like oh, I'm noticing thathe's shutting down.
Okay, it's just somethingobservable.
I know I don't love this.
It it feels uncomfortable, butit's not alarm bells and from
that kind of a place you thenhave the capacity to do
something else other than chasethem around the room while still
(08:12):
maybe continuing theconversation.
Like we talked about this lastnight in the Secure Self Club,
which is my like program that werun, and this one lady was
talking about how her husbandkind of didn't fully shut down
but he kind of glazed over.
He kind of got that like all ofa sudden, something shifted.
He's a little offline and sheknew that something was up and
(08:34):
we talked about and even roleplayed, just saying, hey, I
noticed that maybe somethingshifted for you.
Just there I noticed is such apowerful phrase?
Monica Tanner (08:47):
Yeah.
Trevor Hansen (08:49):
Yeah, and I was like, wow, that's awesome.
Yeah, just oh, I noticed.
But she's not going to be ableto do that if she's in her
triggered woundedness, in herfearful place, where she's
responding from her patternsrather than from a place of
security.
Monica Tanner (09:08):
Yeah, so one of the most important skills that I
work with my clients, like Inoticed, for me changed
everything is the ability torecognize when I, when my
prefrontal cortex has goneoffline and my amygdala has
taken over, so that's that bigfight flight freeze fawn flee
(09:33):
like you know, thing, and it'sjust the knee-jerk reaction, and
there's not really anythingthat we can do to change what
our knee-jerk reaction is.
It's just recognizing it, likethere it is.
Oh my gosh, like I'm triggered,I'm agitated, I'm upset, I feel
the need to protect myself.
And you know, there's nojudgment on that, there's no
(09:56):
judgment on what your go-todefense mechanism is.
It's just recognizing it, likeokay, here it is, here's my
defense mechanism.
Can I take some breaths?
Can I, you know, kind of talkit down and bring my prefrontal
cortex back online?
So now I have access to allthose skills, because the
(10:16):
reality is is and we always saythis as, as RLT trained
practitioners, our job is tohelp you deal with the parts of
yourself that isn't going to useany of the skills.
So I've had clients who've beento years of therapy.
They've gone to millions ofworkshops.
They have tons of skills.
They can't access those skillsonce their prefrontal cortex has
(10:40):
gone offline.
And so first we have to teachhow do we come back down from
that fight flight or freeresponse so that we now can
access all of those wonderfulskills that we've learned.
Trevor Hansen (10:54):
Yeah, yeah, that's, that's it right there
and that's.
There's.
Something powerful there too isI.
I've done a lot of couplestherapy like true blue in the
grit, like you know, breakingdown the hardest emotions,
working with couples that havegone through affairs, addictions
, blending families, like youname it and I started to notice
(11:18):
that I and it's not to say oneis more powerful than the other.
But I think I preached for along time like the only way to
heal the relationship is to havethe relationship in the room,
like they have to all be presentand we have to be doing this.
But then I started to realizethat, you know, a lot of people
don't have that luxury of havingboth partners.
Either the other one's notquite willing yet or just like I
(11:42):
don't know long distance orlogistics whatever, and so I
started working a lot more withthe individual.
And in working with theindividual I discovered that we
individually have a significantability to change our
relationship for the better,even if our partner is not yet
willing, which is so cool.
Think about if they are willinglike, oh man, that doesn't that
(12:04):
.
That double, double down on onthe ability.
And the reason I say that isbecause there's this concept
drawn from emotionally focusedtherapy called the negative
cycle, and the negative cycle isbasically two people triggering
one another, and we alreadystarted to describe it, um, but
I'll I'll give you a little bitmore here.
So it illustrates the point ofhow we can influence our
(12:26):
relationship solo, which is kindof going off of what we're
saying here.
So back to our couple.
She, let's say she grew up in ahome where mom was really hard
to please, mom was reallycritical, or well, yeah, we'll
use that example.
There's a million reasons whyshe could feel this way, but
we'll just say it's that, right,mom was really critical.
And so she feels like she hasthis underlying belief that love
(12:47):
is scarce, that approval isscarce, that she needs to earn
love in order to be enough.
Okay, so she's carrying thataround with her.
And then he maybe had a homewhere he was like banished to
his room anytime.
He had emotions right, ifyou're going to cry, go to your
room, come out.
When you can start to act likea member of this family, oh,
isolation, right, a lot of notgood enough.
(13:09):
And so he learned to bury hisfeelings and duck and cover.
And so when they get into thisrelationship and something is
off, maybe she will most likelyinitiate the conversation.
She will.
He definitely is not going toinitiate the conversation, but
she will.
Right, she's like I got to goout and I got to fix this right.
Earn love, fix it, prove thatI'm good enough.
(13:32):
And so she might engage in somesort of if she feels like
there's a threat to feeling safeand connected in the
relationship, it may come offcritical because she's in a
fight or flight panic place, andso she's going to point out
what he's doing wrong.
And in pointing out what he'sdoing wrong, he's going to hear
(13:52):
the same message that he got asa child, which is you're not
doing it right, you're not goodenough, you need to be different
in order to be enough.
And so he goes to his defaultand he ducks and cover right,
I'm out of here.
The more he does that, the moreshe feels like Holy crap, he's
running away from me, he'sabandoning me.
I got to double down and I'mnow.
I'm chasing, I'm saying youalways do this, you never do
(14:15):
that.
And he's digging himself deeper.
He's like he's like in thegarage at this point and she's
like, you know, like we're outof the house almost, and he's
like going to drive to afriend's.
And what's wild here is thatyou know, we can see how his
behavior is her trigger and herbehavior is his trigger.
(14:36):
Underneath the surface are allthese fears of abandonment,
rejection, trying to be goodenough, longing for closeness,
longing for connection, butneither of them are saying it.
He's saying anything.
He's just sending the messagethat she's crazy, she's too much
, and he can't handle her so heneeds to get away from her.
And she's sending the messagethat you're not good enough and
(14:57):
you're a horrible guy and that'sme.
Yeah, that's not the message atall.
And so what if just one of theminterrupted the cycle and
somebody might sit there and go?
Well, trevor, that's not fair.
I don't want to be the one todo all the work.
It's like I don't really carewhat's fair, I care what's going
to work for you.
Like I want to help youaccomplish your goals, whether
it's fair or not.
(15:17):
And I mean that extends to apoint If you're the only one
doing the work ever, then okay,we got to reassess that.
But this is kind of the approachthat we take in my work.
I help people heal, right.
And so, let's say, I'm workingwith her.
Healing her looks like healingthat fearful part of her that is
(15:38):
afraid of abandonment, thebeliefs that she's not good
enough and the beliefs that shehas to perform in order to be
loved, and it's replaced by adeep sense of connection with
herself, security, that even ifhe's not giving you love, you're
okay and I'm all right and I'mgoing to be all right with this.
And so when something is off,she, naturally without any
skills, just starts approachinghim with more openness,
(16:02):
curiosity.
She's slower in the way shespeaks.
She brings in this energy thatdoesn't say you're in trouble.
She brings in this energy thatsays I care about you and I care
about us.
Monica Tanner (16:12):
And he Ooh this is cool, this is really
important.
She brings in this energy thatsays I'm hurting and it's not
your fault.
Trevor Hansen (16:21):
Yeah, but you yeah.
And even if it shifts a littlewhere she says I'm hurting and
you are partly responsible, hereit's also like non-condemning,
it's non-judgmental, and I knowthis is a long spiel, but it
helps her out.
Monica Tanner (16:42):
It's a great scenario.
I love it.
I think it's relatable to a lotof people listening.
Trevor Hansen (16:47):
We'll tie a bow on it here.
So she's approaching him thatway and what will happen?
Not immediately, because if youhave years of the old pattern,
he's going to brace himself, nomatter what, no matter how you
approach him.
He's going to be like oh no,duck and cover, I'm out of here,
she's coming at me, and so youcan't expect it to change
overnight.
But this is the differencebetween manipulation and
(17:08):
influence you are notmanipulating his behavior into
doing something different, butyou will influence it.
So when you approach him withthat non-blaming that connected.
You approach him with thatnon-blaming that connected, that
confident, secure energy andwords.
He will most likely feel moresafe.
(17:31):
He will most likely feel moreopen.
He will be more curious himselfand, like I said, not
immediately, it may take somereps, but he will feel that way
and from that natural state ofbeing, he will most likely
respond in kind with more safety.
Again, without any skills, hewill unconsciously do this.
He will start to be morewilling to talk to you about
whatever's going on.
(17:53):
And you didn't even you didn't,you didn't tell him to.
He didn't tell himself to.
He didn't think about therapyor the workshop that you guys
did together.
Not at all.
It's just because he feels safeand he feels connected.
Right, you go to sleep whenyou're tired.
It just happens.
You don't think about it, youdon't try.
It's just the natural reactionto the internal state of
(18:15):
tiredness, and so that's where Igo.
Oh, how cool is this.
You, if you have problems inyour relationship, for now,
focus on healing your heart andmost likely it will impact your
relationship and their behaviorin a massive way.
Monica Tanner (18:31):
Yeah, I mean, there's so many things that you
said there that I would love torespond to, but I do think you
can definitely spark change inthe relationship on your own,
but in order to sustain it, theyboth partners need to
participate.
But you know, I think one ofthe most impactful things that
I've ever done for my ownrelationship I'm doing this
(18:53):
stuff all the time.
I'm doing this work, I'mlearning about it and working
with other couples.
My husband is like learningabout it and working with other
couples.
My husband is like I'm cool,I'm chill, right, but being able
to explain to him theexperience I have when I'm
triggered, because he doesn'tunderstand that experience, it's
not his experience, right?
So when you, when you weretalking about the wife who you
(19:16):
know, I don't think that my momwas critical, but I have that
exact same wounding.
Trevor Hansen (19:23):
It's like the different source.
Monica Tanner (19:25):
Right, exactly, but.
But my experience is there'snot enough love here, and if I
am not perfect, if you know I dosomething wrong, the love is
going to be taken away from me.
Right?
My husband grew up in a verydifferent scenario.
Like, for him, there's enoughlove to go around.
Like, what are you evenfreaking out about, right?
And so for me to be able to,like, spend enough time with
(19:47):
myself to kind of recognize, tojust be able to journal it out,
talk it out with coaches andcounselors, to be able to
understand.
This is my experience.
To be able to understand thisis my experience.
This is why I get so triggered.
This is why, when you go to bedand I'm still freaking out
about something, my brain, thestory that happens in my brain
(20:09):
is you're going to wake up andbe like this is too much, I'm
out of here.
Right, that's, that's mybiggest fear.
And so to be able to explain itto him in a way when you know,
not in the middle of conflict,not in a way that this is your
fault, or you able to explain itto him in a way when you know,
not in the middle of conflict,not in a way that this is your
fault or you need to fix it oranything like that, but just
like this is the experience I'mhaving.
And once I could explain it tohim in a way that he, you know,
(20:36):
without having his guard up,without having to withdraw,
without feeling like there'ssomething he needed to do
differently or better, you knowwe could come up with some
solutions, like these littlecatchphrases that we use, like
I'm not going anywhere, I chooseyou, we're in this together,
right, so he's not healing me,but he is supporting my healing.
But I had to do the work first.
(20:56):
I had to like figure out, like,why this is so hard for me, why
do?
And now we really have gottento the point where we've been
married 23 years.
But he can see it on my face.
He can see when I'm like, oh mygosh, like I'm, you know
something bad is about to happen, right, he can see it on my
face and he's like whoa, whoa,whoa, I'm not going anywhere,
(21:17):
let's work this out, right, andI can take a deep breath and you
know, my nervous system canrelax and I can go oh okay,
we've got a lot of skills here.
Trevor Hansen (21:34):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
And you know, you say like he'snot healing me and I, you know,
I've done my own work and youknow, in a way I've wrestled
with that a little bit too,actually, because I feel like,
on the one hand, we actually dodeepen our healing when we have
those like interactions, right,like he's not, he's not
primarily responsible for it andhe has no idea he's even doing
(21:56):
it.
But if we feel, let's take thefear of abandonment, fear of
rejection kind of thing, right,if we carry that around, we're
always afraid that we're notdoing it right at work, we're
always afraid that we're notgood enough for our friends, or
it comes up in our intimaterelationships.
That wasn't taught to us.
Nobody sat down and was like,okay, you got to feel this way.
It's because we had experienceson repeat like having a
(22:17):
critical mom or having maybejust having like a ton of
siblings and there wasn't enoughattention and it's just like
there's no, nobody did anythingwrong, it's just I got like six
other people to compete withhere and there's not enough time
in the day, let alone to cleanthe house and everything else.
I don't even know how people dothat, like I've got one kid and
I'm like holy crap, likethere's always so much to do,
(22:52):
but anyway it's repetitiveexperiences where, in the care
of someone else, you didn't feelseen, safe, loved or have your
emotional needs met in one wayor another, whether it was
insidious and horrible and likeabusive or just passive in life
and life.
And how we heal that is byproviding experiences where you
feel safe, seen, safe and loved.
The first person to do that hasgot to be yourself.
It's an internal work, right.
I'm addressing that part of methat feels so fearful, that
(23:16):
feels like I'm not enough, andI'm doing work around that and
providing that.
Another layer of that is withincommunity with others.
That's why in what we do in mysecure self club that's why it's
the club, that's why it's thecommunity we need you to come in
and have an environment whereyou're like holy cow, I can
bring my everything that I have,my anger, my shame, that weird
(23:40):
thing about me that nobody knowsand I'm just loved deeply for
it.
And that experience.
It's like we're kind ofbalancing the scales, right.
We're taking all theseexperiences from our growing up
and we're starting to add it tothe other side of the scale and
it's starting to tip over right.
And it can be with self, it canbe with other, and a really
powerful one with other is whenyou do it with your spouse and
(24:04):
this is as cool as bark whenyou're doing it with yourself,
when you're providing those safeexperiences, when you're doing
that emotional healing you likewe talked about in that last
dynamic increase your partner'scapacity to participate in your
healing.
They get a join, they get ahold.
You and say I'm not goinganywhere, I choose you.
Your catchphrase is beautiful,beautiful.
(24:25):
And in that moment theemotional experience is what
heals you.
They got to participate, butyou got to create the
environment in which they can,and it's like oh, dad is so cool
.
Monica Tanner (24:40):
I'm getting so giddy about the direction of
this is because, like what I'mso passionate about, what I love
working with clients on ishealing that inner child,
because that's reparenting it,that inner child.
Right?
Because no matter how amazingour parents were and you know,
some of us came our parents wereamazing, and some of us our
parents were amazing and some ofus our parents were lacking
right, yeah, but once we becomean adult, it becomes our
(25:03):
responsibility to repit.
So what happened was we createdadaptations don't to, in
response to whatever we,whatever scenario we grew up in.
And so now those adaptationsare not so they're.
They were adaptive, maladaptive, now, right.
So we've got these adaptationsthat aren't necessarily working
(25:27):
in our relationships now.
They're kind of working againstus, and so it becomes our job
to now go in to see that littlechild inside of us, to thank
them for keeping us alive andgetting us the things that we
needed all growing up.
But now, guess what?
It's time to reparent them, toput some guidelines on them, to
remind them that we're an adultand we can take care of them and
(25:50):
we're not going to leave themand they won't have to be alone
anymore and we don't need themto take over in those, in those
triggering moments, right, andso, yes, it's like it's about us
doing that work, but I lovedoing that work in the presence
of the partner because then,just as you described now, they
get to participate in thatreally cool work.
Trevor Hansen (26:14):
Yeah, yeah, that's, it's really meaningful.
Yeah, I, I, I see that as well,and it's it's when, and what
empathy that brings, when youget to watch your partner like
move through that and workthrough that and realizing, whoa
, like that, when your partnercan see that who they've been
(26:35):
fighting against is actually alittle six year old version-old
version of you.
It's like, oh well, that changesthe fight completely, changes
it completely.
The empathy comes in.
It's just this realization, likeholy cow, look at that and
honestly, it's who you've beenfighting against, like
individually, right when I, whenI because sometimes when we
(26:59):
gain awareness of our patternslike you know, we read all the
books, we do all the things wegain a ton of awareness Um, we
then can add on a layer of shamebecause we're like well, now I
know what I'm supposed to do,but I can't do it.
And now I think I'm the worst.
I always fly off the handle, orI'm so clingy in relationships,
or I'm this or that, like,whatever it is, and you can feel
(27:20):
big old piles of shame foryourself.
But what this does is it shiftsthat dynamic to where you're
like oh, I feel so compassionatetowards that part of me that
feels like I have to prove thatI'm enough.
That's always people pleasing,that's hiding my own needs, or
maybe getting critical when Idon't feel like I'm getting what
I want, and it's like, okay, Iget why I do that, like I can
(27:44):
love myself for that and it'snot effective, but it makes a
lot of sense.
Monica Tanner (27:50):
Right, yes, it always makes sense when you get
down to the root of it.
But it's so interesting becauseI grew up thinking my mom was
so weird and woo and now I'mrealizing that she's brilliant.
But she always keeps picturesof her and her partner in her
(28:10):
bedroom as little children and,you know, it's like almost like
a little shrine to them, and soI mean that's how I, when I
would go in, I'd be like mom,that is so weird.
But now I realize thebrilliance in it is that you
know, their kind of work islearning how to love this little
girl and this little boy, right?
(28:31):
Can they love their own littleboy and little girl and can they
see each other's little boy andlittle girl in those high
conflict moments, right?
And so it's so cool now that Ihave been trained and I do this
work and I it like.
That is such an honor to me toget to help couples see the
little boys and little girlsinside of them and each other.
Trevor Hansen (28:55):
Yeah, no doubt, and it's.
It's a very powerful, verypowerful thing to do, and it
does sound a little woo-woo andit feels a little silly
sometimes when people first getinto it.
I'll have them actually out loud, speak to that part of
themselves and they're like ohman, I don't know.
This feels a little weird, butwhat's crazy is you do it and
(29:16):
it's wild, put there or createyou.
It feels like you're getting ananswer back.
You know, some people will havesurprising answers.
They're like my inner child issaying this.
I don't even know what it meansyet.
And then we unpack it and allof a sudden we realize, oh wow,
(29:38):
that message that they'resending connects back to this
particular memory, when you werein like sixth grade and this
happened or whatever else.
And it's and it's, it's pretty,pretty cool what our minds are
capable of storingsubconsciously.
And then we get to access itthrough some conscious digging,
which is hard Because themajority of our responses are
(29:59):
driven from that subconsciouspart of our mind.
We don't think about a lot ofthings we do.
Rarely are we thinking aboutwhat we're doing.
Monica Tanner (30:07):
Right, inner child work is so powerful and it
really is such a most people gothrough life just on autopilot,
right?
They're just doing what wasmodeled for them.
You know they're, they'reliving from their adaptations
that in a lot of times, thoseinner child adaptations are
rewarded out in the world likethey help you be really
(30:29):
successful.
However, they oftentimes make ahash of your personal life, of
your interpersonal relationshipsand your relationships with
your children, honestly.
So it is so important to dothat work, and so I I really
want to extend an invitation toanyone who's listening to really
take a moment to consider.
You know, do I have a hard timein interpersonal relationships?
(30:53):
Can I see that inner childcoming out in moments that are
difficult between my romanticpartner and myself, you know?
And would inner child work bebeneficial Because there are
people like Trevor and I who canhelp walk you through and kind
of unpack some of the thoseadaptations that are messing
(31:17):
with you?
Trevor Hansen (31:17):
Yeah, yeah, you know, if someone's listening to
this for the first time, I couldimagine that they'd be thinking
, well, this sounds pretty cool.
I have no idea, like, how.
Like what do you mean when youmean that?
And I have a little story thatI feel like helps illustrate it
pretty well.
That might might be good takehome and we could plug it in
with a little bit of a frameworkon just like how to get going
(31:38):
on your own kind of a thing.
So if you're cool with that,I'd love that.
So one day I'm sitting inChick-fil-A you've probably
heard this story, maybe, I don'tknow if you have.
I tell it on some podcasts.
So I'm at Chick-fil-A and I'msitting like across from this
booth and there's a dad and hisdaughter, you know.
They're sitting on the redchairs and they're having a good
(32:00):
time.
And she's doing this thing.
She's four years old, I think.
She's running back and forthfrom the playground to dad,
getting that bite of chickennugget and then running right,
living her best life.
Messy hair, she's like sweating, so it's kind of like clinging
to her head.
She's barefoot, her little feetjust slapping on the floor
Every time she comes, like shewas coming from behind me.
I knew every time she wascoming, cause she could hear her
little feet and she was havingthe best time ever.
(32:21):
But it came to the point whereevery in every four year old's
day, that's the worst point atChick-fil-A, which is go home
time, right?
Dad turns to her and says hey,sweetie, it's time to go home.
And then all of a sudden as sheshould she responds from a
place that was not very rationalor grounded, because she's four
, of course.
That's exactly where she'ssupposed to be right, just as
(32:43):
your inner child is respondingexactly how they should.
That part of you was built whenyou were a tiny little part of
your brain was built when youwere a tiny little human being
and so of course, you canrespond that way.
And her rational responsessounded like this Dad, we're
never going to come back.
Dad, you're being so mean, and.
But, dad, like I love the redchairs, she loved the red chairs
(33:08):
and so which I think was apretty rational part I do like
the red chairs too.
So she's sitting with him andcrying and what dad does is not
grab her by the hand or rip herout of the room and say let's go
.
We've seen that and it's veryuncomfortable watching that kind
of thing, right?
But he did something differentand he models for us how we can
(33:30):
interact with the irrationalparts of ourselves, with the
inner child, with the fearfulpart of us that says my
partner's going to leave me,they hate me, I'm not enough, or
whatever else it is.
And he leans over and he firstgains her trust.
And we can do this internallyfor ourselves.
But how he gains her trust ishe just repeats back what he's
hearing with a lot of softnessand compassion.
(33:53):
He says oh sweetie, you feellike we're never going to come
back.
That's really scary, becauseyou love it here.
And she's like, yeah, and all ofa sudden you can see her kind
of like coming online, likeshe's gets that soft, like
choked up yeah, that squeaks outof her throat as she's kind of
agreeing with dad and he goesand you feel like dad's being
really mean because he's pullingyou out of here and she's going
(34:15):
, yeah, and you can even see herstarting to doubt that.
She's like well, I kind of knowthat dad's not mean, but it
feels like he's being mean andhe goes.
I get why you feel like I wouldbe mean right now.
That makes sense.
You love it here and he and Iknow you love the red chairs
Like they're so freaking cool.
I totally get it.
And at this point she issoftened and because he gained
(34:36):
the trust he just saw her, hedidn't agree with her, he just
validated her experience andthen he was able to provide her
truth, truth that he wasconnected to because he was an
adult, he had a greater vision,some rational thinking, and he
says to her you know, we alwayscome back for your cousin
(34:58):
whenever they have the soccergame.
And then we come back hereafter do you remember?
We do that like every week, andshe goes.
Oh yeah, starting to realizethat she goes.
And you know what?
Dad's not trying to be mean,mom's waiting for you.
She's so excited to see you.
Are you excited to see mom?
She's like, oh yeah, she's inyour princess bed, she's at home
, you know, with the newcomforter on it and it's way
more comfy than these red chairs.
And she's like, oh yeah, she'sstarting to realize all this
(35:29):
truth that something else juststoked out of her mind, like
doesn't even think aboutChick-fil-A again.
And they get in the car andshe's fine.
You know, no arching back,trying to clip her into the car
seat, kind of thing I do that alot with.
Knows it's okay, that knows ourpartner's not going to leave us
, that knows we have infiniteworth and value.
And the part of us that is notalways rational, the inner part
(36:01):
that is fearful, and I just waslike, oh, that is exactly the
model that we can follow.
Monica Tanner (36:07):
That's so good, yeah, so wait, I want to.
Just because you told it in theframework of a story was
beautiful.
But I want to like extract it.
Yes, so step one you want torecognize and validate.
Trevor Hansen (36:21):
Yeah, I think that's the first thing, right,
so you recognize what's going on.
Oh, so if, if we take this andput it into like a real life
example, uh, your partner isdoing something that makes you
feel like unseen.
Right, they didn't put theirdish in the dishwasher and
you've asked a million times,and the meaning that you're
making, or the inner child, issaying he doesn't love me.
Okay, so it's pausing and going.
(36:44):
Hey, little part of me, I'mnoticing where I feel in my body
.
I'm kind of speaking to it.
I'm saying, oh, you're feelinglike he doesn't love you because
he didn't put the dish in thedishwasher.
I get why you'd feel that way.
Yeah, I know that growing up,people overlooked your needs and
you never had people listen toyou and you didn't have a voice,
(37:04):
and so right now, it probablyfeels the same.
Right, that dish is way biggerthan just a dish.
I get it.
Oh, man, even saying it, I'mnot even.
That's not even a real scenariofor me.
I'm feeling good, even sayingit out loud.
So that would probably be stepnumber one.
Monica Tanner (37:23):
So recognize and validate Number two.
I'm thinking like, face thatfear, like what is that fear?
Is that the fear is that hedoesn't love me, he doesn't care
about my needs.
He's doing the same thing thatwas done to me when I was young.
Trevor Hansen (37:33):
Yeah, yeah, and it kind of you know it.
That can kind of be combined ina way in step one, because
we're kind of acknowledging thatfear, but it is helpful, if
it's helpful, pulling out andextracting specific language
around the fear, I think is agreat idea.
What you're saying is greatIsolate the fear right, Know it
and continue to recognize andvalidate that as well.
(37:55):
And that opens up then the nextphase, which is just truth
telling right.
Hey, are there otheralternatives for why he left the
dish in the sink?
Monica Tanner (38:09):
Do we?
Trevor Hansen (38:09):
really believe that he doesn't love us.
Because of that, I want toreassure you the truth that he
does love you.
I'm going to reassure you theother truth, that he's super
forgetful and he's being alittle bit of a bozo right now
and that's okay.
Like that makes sense.
Or I want to reassure you thathe's been working double
overtime this last week and he'shis mind is everywhere else.
(38:30):
And, like I want to reassureyou of all these things and even
truths that transcend thesituation, which is, even if it
meant that he didn't love you,it doesn't mean that you're
unlovable.
Monica Tanner (38:42):
Right, I think that's kind.
Of step four is give yourselfwhat you need in that moment,
right Like it's okay.
Trevor Hansen (38:48):
I love you, I'm here for you.
I will always give you what youneed in that moment, right Like
it's okay, I love you, I'm herefor you.
Monica Tanner (38:52):
I will always give you what you need.
Trevor Hansen (38:55):
Absolutely.
That would be.
Bringing it home is is fillthat need for yourself and then,
as you've done, some of thatthat brings up.
You know we're talking aboutlike in the moment situation.
We're using this as a copingmechanism in this example, but
where this would be mosteffective is don't try to do it
(39:17):
when it's hot and hard, do itwhen it's easy.
Right, notice a trigger, thinkabout a situation you know, in
isolation, where it's controlled, speaking to that inner child,
maybe visiting in your mind avisual representation of a
moment in your life when you didfeel like somebody didn't love
you and like go and rescue thatlittle version of you with some
(39:42):
kind language and somereassurance.
What would you say to them?
What would you do?
Right, journal it.
You could write it down.
This is what I would say Writeit in a letter form, whatever it
is, but interacting across thissame pattern where we're
recognizing fears and feelingsand validating, showing them the
truth behind whatever thescenario is, beyond the
(40:03):
catastrophic thinking, and thenproviding for the need.
So I guess, if we were to boilit down into like three little
nuggets that's maybe how I wouldsummarize that and it can be a
coping mechanism in the moment.
It can be solo and isolated.
I say you do it isolated firstbecause it's way easier than
trying to do it when you're allmad or triggered or whatever
else.
(40:23):
But you do this enough, andthat's balancing those scales
that we talked about.
Right, the scale of childhoodis weighed down through things
like neglect, and then webalance it out by giving
ourselves this love andattention and, yeah, you could
do it.
You could do it every day for afull week, you could.
There's so many ways that youcould do it.
Um, but that that's kind of agood starter or introduction to
(40:47):
the idea of, like, how do youtangibly do some inner child
work?
Monica Tanner (40:51):
I love that because and I love that you
brought up the letter because Ido, when I'm doing inner child
work with people, I do have themwrite a letter, but it's the
letter is kind of taking controlback.
It's like, you know, I see you,I honor you and thank you for
you know getting me here to thispoint, and now I, I I want to
(41:14):
let you know that I can handlethese things right, so you don't
have to anymore.
It's kind of like taking backthis, this power from this inner
child.
So I love that in the moment,maybe take a break, take a
moment, go in the other room andassure yourself, like, do that
whole talking, exercise throughit, but then also in a in a
(41:35):
non-triggered moment, write thatletter, like, go like I see you
.
Thank you for for doing all ofthis for me, like I so
appreciate your service to mefor all these years.
But now you get to just hangout Like I'm just going to put
you in my heart and I'm an adultand you know I can handle these
(41:55):
big situations now with my bigadult body and your little, you
know, your little scared self orwhatever can just rest
peacefully in my heart and knowthat I love you.
I'm not leaving you, you know.
Trevor Hansen (42:08):
leaving you, you know we're in this together now
yeah, you know, and it's amazingwe have the capacity to do that
, because some people are like,well, I don't know if I can do
that and I'm like, are you a mom?
like that's the question Ialways ask mothers and they're
like, yeah, I'm like then you'rea freaking pro.
(42:28):
You know exactly how to love,lift, nurture, be kind to a
child, and sure, there is mighthave been moments in your you
know child raising years whereyou didn't do it quite the way
you wanted to.
You responded with harshnessrather than softness and
leadership, but now we arelearning how to lean on the you
(42:50):
know the part of you that knowsthat you can combine.
You know it's as you're saying.
What you're saying, I'mthinking of the word leadership.
It's like a combination of like, gentle, compassion, but also
strong, assertive leadership,and that, oh that creates such
safety.
Can you think about like I don'tknow, I'm just like imagining
if I had, like a tour guidesomewhere, like I'm like going
(43:10):
to the mountains or I'm goingdown a river or something that
involves some danger, andthey're like, so in tune with me
, they know what I want, they'recompassionate, but they're also
a bit aggressive in a certainway in their leadership.
They know exactly what theywant to do and they're very
assertive and they can moveforward.
It's like that is some safety.
I want to be with that guy allday.
(43:36):
That sounds awesome and you getto be that person for your
inner child, and it's so cool.
Monica Tanner (43:40):
Trevor, this has been so fun.
I feel like I could talk to youfor hours, but I'm sure we
should probably do this againsometime.
But thank you so much for yourtime and for your wisdom and for
sharing so openly what you doand how you help people.
Can you give the listeners asense of how they can find you
learn more from you?
Trevor Hansen (44:01):
Great.
So the first thing you can doif you're on Instagram, most of
my stuff is there.
That's kind of where a lot ofthe public community lives,
which is Instagram.
My handle is the art of healingby Trevor Um, or if you look up
Trevor Hanson, I'll probably bethe first one that pops up
Hanson with an O, n and there.
If you're like, hmm, I want totake like a one.
(44:22):
Next step, what I would suggestdoing is there's a free
training or a little seminarthat I got and and it teaches.
There's four reasons why peopleare stuck, even if they're
reading the books, going totherapy, doing all the right
things, feeling that anxiousattachment or that fear of
abandonment, feeling not goodenough.
Because most people that wework with are stuck even though
(44:42):
they're doing all the rightstuff.
And so I was like well, whatare the things that they're
missing?
And I just put them in atraining teaching you so that
you can kind of start to getunstuck.
And I always tell people that'sa great place to start with me,
right?
If you're like, oh, I need some, I want to continue to learn
and I don't really know what todo and I don't want to just
watch the you know the reels,cause they don't go deep enough.
I think that would be a good, agood.
(45:04):
Next one
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