September 23, 2025 • 14 mins
Bad sexual advice is one of the top reasons couples struggle early in marriage, often because most grow up with distorted expectations about what a healthy sex life looks like.
• Sex advice is usually messed up because the topic is taboo in most families
• Most couples start marriage with distorted expectations about their sex life
• "A Good Wife Keeps Her Husband Satisfied" creates an unhealthy obligation dynamic
• Healthy sex is mutual with both partners free to say yes or no
• The myth that "men always want it and women never do" oversimplifies desire
• Desire varies from person to person and changes in every season of life
• Understanding "bridges to desire" helps couples communicate about intimacy
• The myth that "great sex should happen naturally" creates disappointment
• Most couples have one partner with spontaneous desire and one with responsive desire
• Great sex takes communication, intentionality, and sometimes scheduling
• Sex is a journey, not a destination – you'll grow and learn together
• Sex is more about connection than performance
• Communication is essential – you can't fix what you don't talk about
• Sexual satisfaction gets better over time when you make it a priority
Go get your copy of Bad Marriage Advice on October 1st, and join me next week for a special episode where I'll interview my oldest son and his wife about what they wish they'd known before marriage.
If you are ready to work with a coach around these topics, email me at: moni@monicatanner.com.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and we are officially one week
from the launch of my new book,bad Marriage Advice.
I am getting so excited and Ihope that you will all go and
purchase your copy on October1st to be the first ones to get
your hands on it.
(00:20):
It's also a wonderful gift foranyone in your life who is
getting married or just theirmarriage needs a boost.
I mean you could order severalcopies and just have one on hand
anytime you need it.
All right.
Today I want to talk aboutsomething that doesn't get a lot
of airtime, and it is the worstadvice about sex that we're
(00:44):
given and what newlyweds, oreven if you've been married a
long time, need to know.
So let's be honest when itcomes to sex and marriage, most
of us grew up in families thatdidn't really talk about it.
If your family did talk aboutit, usually it was the just
obligatory birds and bees talk,but most families, I would say,
(01:10):
don't talk about this topicenough to their kids who are
about to get married.
When I talk to my clients, I amusually appalled at how they
describe the way they firstlearned about the topic of sex
and all the things that theirparents never taught them.
Most of them felt confused,ashamed or completely unprepared
(01:35):
for what sex and marriage isreally like.
So today I want to talk aboutthe worst sex advice you've ever
been given and what I wishevery couple, especially
newlyweds, knew about sex.
Don't worry, I'm going to keepit real fun and PG-13 enough so
that you can listen withoutblushing too hard.
But this is important becausebad sexual advice is one of the
(01:59):
top reasons that couplesstruggle early in their marriage
.
And, of course, most of this isstraight out of chapter 11 in
the book which, remember, islaunching on October 1st.
All right.
So the question is, why is sexadvice usually so messed up?
Reason number one is that inmost families, like we said, the
(02:22):
topic is very taboo, and somost of us just grow up with
radio silence around the topicof sex.
There's no real conversationabout it.
Just don't do it before you getmarried.
Church and cultural messagescan create shame, and the media
portrays very unrealisticexpectations about what good sex
(02:46):
actually looks like.
The bottom line is most couplesstart out marriage with very
distorted expectations of whattheir sex life will be like, and
not only that, but typicallythe husband and the wife have
very differing ideas about notonly what it will be like, but
(03:07):
also how to talk about it, or ifthey talk about it.
I think about it like gettinghanded a car with no manual.
You're told this is powerful,beautiful, dangerous and it's
the most important part of yourmarriage, but no one tells you
how it actually works.
And no wonder so many couplesstall out early.
Today I want to talk aboutthree really bad pieces of
(03:32):
sexual advice, and then I'mgoing to tell you the better
thing to think about.
So number one this is the titleof chapter 11 in my book.
A Good Wife Keeps Her HusbandSatisfied.
Unfortunately, this is not onlystated a lot of times, but
definitely exemplified in a lotof marriages.
(03:54):
I remember specifically hangingout at a friend's house and we
were playing pool with myfriend's mom who had just
recently gotten divorced and shewas so heartbroken, but she
shared with us, kind ofinappropriately, that she always
kept her husband satisfied,that she was always available
(04:15):
whenever he wanted sex and hecheated on her anyways.
Now, at the time, I rememberthinking, well, that doesn't
sound very fun, but doing what Ido now.
There's so many things wrongwith that statement.
First of all, if she was alwaysavailable for her husband, then
sex wasn't fun or somethingthat she desired.
(04:36):
Basically, it was a chore orobligation, and when both
partners don't feel free in thesexual relationship, that never
turns out to be a goodexperience.
The reality is that healthy sexis mutual.
Both partners are free to sayyes or to say no, and neither
(04:57):
partner is acting as thecaretaker for the other.
Meaning this idea of sexualobligation or managing your
partner's needs and desires iscompletely antithetical to
mutually beneficial,desire-driven, committed sex.
Both partners' needs need tomatter.
(05:19):
Intimacy is about connectionand not keeping score.
I once heard the line that sexisn't a customer service hotline
where one partner's job is tohandle all the requests.
Being on either side of thatisn't very fun, all right.
Moving on to the second piece ofreally bad marriage advice that
I hear so often is that menalways want it and women never
(05:45):
do.
Sometimes women or girls aretaught growing up that a good
woman doesn't have any needs ordesires.
That feeds right into the ideathat a woman's job is to handle
the needs of her husband.
The problem with that is itcompletely oversimplifies desire
.
It creates shame for men whodon't always want it, and for
(06:08):
women who actually do desire tobe with their husbands.
The reality is that desirevaries from person to person and
in every season.
Healthy couples understand thathealthy sexuality is something
that needs to be renegotiatedover and over and over again
throughout the lifespan of themarriage.
(06:28):
Healthy couples learn how tocommunicate about their desire
instead of relying onstereotypes.
One of the things I teach mynewlyweds, but also couples that
have been married for years ordecades, is about bridges to
desire, because our desireprofile is so individual and
(06:49):
unique.
One of the things that's reallyimportant to learn about is
where our desire comes from, orwhat feeds our desire.
I call these bridges to desire,so I learned pretty early on in
our marriage that laughter forme is a huge bridge to desire.
Anything to lighten up the mooda romantic comedy, watching
(07:12):
some comedy skits, memes onInstagram, anything that can
take me kind of out of my to-dolist and into that fun, playful
energy is a bridge to desire forme, and when I was a young
mother, taking me literallyanywhere outside of the home and
having to tend to the needs ofmy children continuously was a
(07:35):
huge bridge to desire.
But again.
These things change over timeand in the different seasons and
stages of my life, so it'sreally important to always be
having these conversations withour spouse how can I help you
get in the mood, if you will?
And finally, the last piece ofreally bad sexual marriage
(07:56):
advice that I hear is that greatsex should just happen
naturally.
I think we see so manyspontaneous sex scenes in the
movies and on TV that we getthis really warped idea that
everybody has spontaneous desire, which is definitely definitely
not the case.
The problem with thinking thisway is that it creates
(08:18):
disappointment when sex actuallyrequires effort and planning.
It is very typical for mostcouples to have one partner with
more spontaneous desire,meaning they're ready at all
times.
They'll happily drop everythingfor a sexual encounter and also
another partner with responsivedesire, meaning that that takes
(08:42):
more time and effort andplanning for them to be able to
get in the mood.
Life, kids, stress and seasonsall affect desire and sexuality.
That doesn't mean that anythingis broken and actually having a
spontaneous desire partner anda responsive desire partner
(09:03):
creates an equilibrium, becauseif both partners were
spontaneous, not a lot would getdone and if both partners were
responsive, then it would bedifficult to enter into any
sexual experiences at all, sothat tug and pull between
spontaneous and responsivedesire, higher and lower desire,
is actually equalizing for thecouple.
(09:24):
Great sex takes communication,intentionality and sometimes
scheduling.
When I meet with newlywedcouples, we talk about lots of
different ways to structure andschedule, even though oftentimes
it takes a little while to fallinto those ruts and routines.
But if you learn about thesecycles early on, it makes it
(09:49):
much easier to implement them inthe high stress situations when
you're building a business,working on your career, creating
a family and keeping a home.
I guarantee you're never justgoing to stumble upon great
sexual experiences.
They have to be createdintentionally, and learning what
each partner likes, desires,prefers is a lifelong endeavor
(10:14):
and it does require that awkwardcommunication and there are
lots and lots of ways topractice doing this.
So here's a few things that Iwish every newlywed knew about
sex.
Number one it's a journey, nota destination.
You'll grow together, you'lllearn together, you'll
experiment and discover andexplore, and that's part of the
(10:38):
fun of it.
Creating your sexualrelationship is never a one size
fits all.
Every single couple is going todo this differently and that's
part of the magic.
Number two sex is more aboutconnection than it is about
performance.
If one partner feels like theyjust have to put out, if you
(11:01):
will, you're never going to beable to create the beautiful
connection that we all desire.
Number three, and this is a bigone communication is everything.
You can't fix what you don'ttalk about.
You have to be able tocommunicate with each other
about everything surroundingyour sexual experiences.
(11:23):
I know this is not comfortablefor most of us, but doing
something like a sex talkTuesday which is what I always
recommend where you're eitherwalking together or driving in
the car together, so you don'thave that awkward staring into
each other's eyes, and youdefinitely don't want to do it
in the bedroom, so find analternate location to talk about
(11:46):
it when you're not in the heatof it and do it regularly.
And, last but not least, itgets better over time when you
make it a priority.
You both have to decide thatit's good for your relationship,
that it's worth workingtogether to create something
that you both enjoy, and Ipromise you it is such a
(12:09):
worthwhile endeavor.
The best sex isn't abouttechnique or position or
performance.
It's about building trust,safety and fun, because when
those things are in place, therest will flow more naturally.
So, in closing, if you've everbeen weighed down by bad sexual
(12:30):
advice or you've just felt likeyou're not living up to what it
should be, I want you to take adeep breath.
You're not broken.
Your marriage isn't broken.
Your spouse isn't broken.
You're just operating on badadvice.
There is help.
Start with the book Bad MarriageAdvice, and if you would like a
(12:53):
coach to walk you through this,please reach out to me,
monnieatmonicatanercom.
Or if you know of newlyweds whoare getting ready to get
married, my number one piece ofadvice is to sit down, have a
few sessions with a relationallife trained coach or therapist
(13:16):
like me, and put a plan in placeso that sex does not become a
problem down the road.
You want sex to be a reallyimportant, fulfilling and
beautiful connecting part ofyour relationship, but you can
only do that when you'reoperating on good information
about it.
(13:36):
That's literally why I wrotethe book Bad Marriage Advice
Debunking Myths that Will Makeyou Miserable, because operating
on bad marriage advice willabsolutely make you miserable.
And chapter 11 is all aboutdebunking those harmful sexual
myths and helping couples buildintimacy that's fun, mutual and
(13:57):
lasting.
Don't forget to go get your copyof the book on October 1st, and
be sure you join me next weekfor a very, very special episode
where I'm going to interview mymarried kids, my oldest son and
his wife.
They've been married for justover four months and we're going
(14:17):
to talk about all of the thingsthey wish they'd known, all of
the things they're grateful theyknew, and their thoughts about
the book.
Don't miss that one.
We'll see you same time, sameplace next week and until then,
happy marriaging.
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and we are officially one week
from the launch of my new book,bad Marriage Advice.
I am getting so excited and Ihope that you will all go and
purchase your copy on October1st to be the first ones to get
your hands on it.
(00:20):
It's also a wonderful gift foranyone in your life who is
getting married or just theirmarriage needs a boost.
I mean you could order severalcopies and just have one on hand
anytime you need it.
All right.
Today I want to talk aboutsomething that doesn't get a lot
of airtime, and it is the worstadvice about sex that we're
(00:44):
given and what newlyweds, oreven if you've been married a
long time, need to know.
So let's be honest when itcomes to sex and marriage, most
of us grew up in families thatdidn't really talk about it.
If your family did talk aboutit, usually it was the just
obligatory birds and bees talk,but most families, I would say,
(01:10):
don't talk about this topicenough to their kids who are
about to get married.
When I talk to my clients, I amusually appalled at how they
describe the way they firstlearned about the topic of sex
and all the things that theirparents never taught them.
Most of them felt confused,ashamed or completely unprepared
(01:35):
for what sex and marriage isreally like.
So today I want to talk aboutthe worst sex advice you've ever
been given and what I wishevery couple, especially
newlyweds, knew about sex.
Don't worry, I'm going to keepit real fun and PG-13 enough so
that you can listen withoutblushing too hard.
But this is important becausebad sexual advice is one of the
(01:59):
top reasons that couplesstruggle early in their marriage
.
And, of course, most of this isstraight out of chapter 11 in
the book which, remember, islaunching on October 1st.
All right.
So the question is, why is sexadvice usually so messed up?
Reason number one is that inmost families, like we said, the
(02:22):
topic is very taboo, and somost of us just grow up with
radio silence around the topicof sex.
There's no real conversationabout it.
Just don't do it before you getmarried.
Church and cultural messagescan create shame, and the media
portrays very unrealisticexpectations about what good sex
(02:46):
actually looks like.
The bottom line is most couplesstart out marriage with very
distorted expectations of whattheir sex life will be like, and
not only that, but typicallythe husband and the wife have
very differing ideas about notonly what it will be like, but
(03:07):
also how to talk about it, or ifthey talk about it.
I think about it like gettinghanded a car with no manual.
You're told this is powerful,beautiful, dangerous and it's
the most important part of yourmarriage, but no one tells you
how it actually works.
And no wonder so many couplesstall out early.
Today I want to talk aboutthree really bad pieces of
(03:32):
sexual advice, and then I'mgoing to tell you the better
thing to think about.
So number one this is the titleof chapter 11 in my book.
A Good Wife Keeps Her HusbandSatisfied.
Unfortunately, this is not onlystated a lot of times, but
definitely exemplified in a lotof marriages.
(03:54):
I remember specifically hangingout at a friend's house and we
were playing pool with myfriend's mom who had just
recently gotten divorced and shewas so heartbroken, but she
shared with us, kind ofinappropriately, that she always
kept her husband satisfied,that she was always available
(04:15):
whenever he wanted sex and hecheated on her anyways.
Now, at the time, I rememberthinking, well, that doesn't
sound very fun, but doing what Ido now.
There's so many things wrongwith that statement.
First of all, if she was alwaysavailable for her husband, then
sex wasn't fun or somethingthat she desired.
(04:36):
Basically, it was a chore orobligation, and when both
partners don't feel free in thesexual relationship, that never
turns out to be a goodexperience.
The reality is that healthy sexis mutual.
Both partners are free to sayyes or to say no, and neither
(04:57):
partner is acting as thecaretaker for the other.
Meaning this idea of sexualobligation or managing your
partner's needs and desires iscompletely antithetical to
mutually beneficial,desire-driven, committed sex.
Both partners' needs need tomatter.
(05:19):
Intimacy is about connectionand not keeping score.
I once heard the line that sexisn't a customer service hotline
where one partner's job is tohandle all the requests.
Being on either side of thatisn't very fun, all right.
Moving on to the second piece ofreally bad marriage advice that
I hear so often is that menalways want it and women never
(05:45):
do.
Sometimes women or girls aretaught growing up that a good
woman doesn't have any needs ordesires.
That feeds right into the ideathat a woman's job is to handle
the needs of her husband.
The problem with that is itcompletely oversimplifies desire
.
It creates shame for men whodon't always want it, and for
(06:08):
women who actually do desire tobe with their husbands.
The reality is that desirevaries from person to person and
in every season.
Healthy couples understand thathealthy sexuality is something
that needs to be renegotiatedover and over and over again
throughout the lifespan of themarriage.
(06:28):
Healthy couples learn how tocommunicate about their desire
instead of relying onstereotypes.
One of the things I teach mynewlyweds, but also couples that
have been married for years ordecades, is about bridges to
desire, because our desireprofile is so individual and
(06:49):
unique.
One of the things that's reallyimportant to learn about is
where our desire comes from, orwhat feeds our desire.
I call these bridges to desire,so I learned pretty early on in
our marriage that laughter forme is a huge bridge to desire.
Anything to lighten up the mooda romantic comedy, watching
(07:12):
some comedy skits, memes onInstagram, anything that can
take me kind of out of my to-dolist and into that fun, playful
energy is a bridge to desire forme, and when I was a young
mother, taking me literallyanywhere outside of the home and
having to tend to the needs ofmy children continuously was a
(07:35):
huge bridge to desire.
But again.
These things change over timeand in the different seasons and
stages of my life, so it'sreally important to always be
having these conversations withour spouse how can I help you
get in the mood, if you will?
And finally, the last piece ofreally bad sexual marriage
(07:56):
advice that I hear is that greatsex should just happen
naturally.
I think we see so manyspontaneous sex scenes in the
movies and on TV that we getthis really warped idea that
everybody has spontaneous desire, which is definitely definitely
not the case.
The problem with thinking thisway is that it creates
(08:18):
disappointment when sex actuallyrequires effort and planning.
It is very typical for mostcouples to have one partner with
more spontaneous desire,meaning they're ready at all
times.
They'll happily drop everythingfor a sexual encounter and also
another partner with responsivedesire, meaning that that takes
(08:42):
more time and effort andplanning for them to be able to
get in the mood.
Life, kids, stress and seasonsall affect desire and sexuality.
That doesn't mean that anythingis broken and actually having a
spontaneous desire partner anda responsive desire partner
(09:03):
creates an equilibrium, becauseif both partners were
spontaneous, not a lot would getdone and if both partners were
responsive, then it would bedifficult to enter into any
sexual experiences at all, sothat tug and pull between
spontaneous and responsivedesire, higher and lower desire,
is actually equalizing for thecouple.
(09:24):
Great sex takes communication,intentionality and sometimes
scheduling.
When I meet with newlywedcouples, we talk about lots of
different ways to structure andschedule, even though oftentimes
it takes a little while to fallinto those ruts and routines.
But if you learn about thesecycles early on, it makes it
(09:49):
much easier to implement them inthe high stress situations when
you're building a business,working on your career, creating
a family and keeping a home.
I guarantee you're never justgoing to stumble upon great
sexual experiences.
They have to be createdintentionally, and learning what
each partner likes, desires,prefers is a lifelong endeavor
(10:14):
and it does require that awkwardcommunication and there are
lots and lots of ways topractice doing this.
So here's a few things that Iwish every newlywed knew about
sex.
Number one it's a journey, nota destination.
You'll grow together, you'lllearn together, you'll
experiment and discover andexplore, and that's part of the
(10:38):
fun of it.
Creating your sexualrelationship is never a one size
fits all.
Every single couple is going todo this differently and that's
part of the magic.
Number two sex is more aboutconnection than it is about
performance.
If one partner feels like theyjust have to put out, if you
(11:01):
will, you're never going to beable to create the beautiful
connection that we all desire.
Number three, and this is a bigone communication is everything.
You can't fix what you don'ttalk about.
You have to be able tocommunicate with each other
about everything surroundingyour sexual experiences.
(11:23):
I know this is not comfortablefor most of us, but doing
something like a sex talkTuesday which is what I always
recommend where you're eitherwalking together or driving in
the car together, so you don'thave that awkward staring into
each other's eyes, and youdefinitely don't want to do it
in the bedroom, so find analternate location to talk about
(11:46):
it when you're not in the heatof it and do it regularly.
And, last but not least, itgets better over time when you
make it a priority.
You both have to decide thatit's good for your relationship,
that it's worth workingtogether to create something
that you both enjoy, and Ipromise you it is such a
(12:09):
worthwhile endeavor.
The best sex isn't abouttechnique or position or
performance.
It's about building trust,safety and fun, because when
those things are in place, therest will flow more naturally.
So, in closing, if you've everbeen weighed down by bad sexual
(12:30):
advice or you've just felt likeyou're not living up to what it
should be, I want you to take adeep breath.
You're not broken.
Your marriage isn't broken.
Your spouse isn't broken.
You're just operating on badadvice.
There is help.
Start with the book Bad MarriageAdvice, and if you would like a
(12:53):
coach to walk you through this,please reach out to me,
monnieatmonicatanercom.
Or if you know of newlyweds whoare getting ready to get
married, my number one piece ofadvice is to sit down, have a
few sessions with a relationallife trained coach or therapist
(13:16):
like me, and put a plan in placeso that sex does not become a
problem down the road.
You want sex to be a reallyimportant, fulfilling and
beautiful connecting part ofyour relationship, but you can
only do that when you'reoperating on good information
about it.
(13:36):
That's literally why I wrotethe book Bad Marriage Advice
Debunking Myths that Will Makeyou Miserable, because operating
on bad marriage advice willabsolutely make you miserable.
And chapter 11 is all aboutdebunking those harmful sexual
myths and helping couples buildintimacy that's fun, mutual and
(13:57):
lasting.
Don't forget to go get your copyof the book on October 1st, and
be sure you join me next weekfor a very, very special episode
where I'm going to interview mymarried kids, my oldest son and
his wife.
They've been married for justover four months and we're going
(14:17):
to talk about all of the thingsthey wish they'd known, all of
the things they're grateful theyknew, and their thoughts about
the book.
Don't miss that one.
We'll see you same time, sameplace next week and until then,
happy marriaging.
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