July 15, 2025 • 14 mins
You deserve a fulfilling sex life without settling or compromising. The FIRE method provides a framework for creating a deeply connected and satisfying intimate relationship that works for both partners.
• Higher desire partners often feel they must settle in their marriages, leading to resentment and diminished intimacy
• Emotional connection alone doesn't guarantee a satisfying sex life – sexual dynamics require specific attention
• F – Face your beliefs about sex that were planted in your "garden" growing up
• I – Initiate honest conversations about desires, boundaries, and preferences
• R – Rewrite the rules together as a couple, free from cultural expectations and shame
• E – Engage consistently through different life stages, creating rituals and "bridges to desire"
• Sexuality should be approached playfully, like recess for adults
• Regular "Sex Talk Tuesdays" can help normalize ongoing conversations about intimacy
For additional resources, download the FIRE worksheet at monicatanner.com/fire or schedule a complimentary 30-minute relationship breakthrough session at monicatanner.com/call.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and today's episode is going to
be literally fire.
Every once in a while there's atopic that I absolutely know
that I need to address on thepodcast because it's something
that comes up multiple timesduring the week with my coaching
(00:22):
clients and the couples that Iinteract with, and when this
happens, I just know that it'stime to do a podcast episode on
this topic.
So right now I want to talkabout how to create an
uncompromising sex life.
It's been a while since we'vetalked about sexuality on the
(00:43):
podcast and I am a very bigproponent on not compromising in
your marriage.
It's a chapter in my book andI'm teaching a class on it
tomorrow, actually.
So Wednesday, july 16th at noon, I'm teaching a live class on
how to stop compromising in yourmarriage in order to get more
(01:04):
of what you want.
If you wanna join us for thatclass, go to wwwmonicatanercom.
Backslash stop compromising.
On today's podcast episode, Ispecifically wanna talk about
compromising in your sex life,because I feel like a lot of
partners feel like they have tojust settle, especially when
(01:29):
they're a higher desire partner,and it's hard to talk about the
topic of sex with your lowerdesire partner.
Most higher desire partnersjust feel like they have to
settle.
They feel like at a certainpoint in the marriage, they have
to just stop trying and accepttheir fate, and this is where
(01:49):
resentment builds and intimacygoes to die.
I never want you to feel likeyou have to settle for anything
in your marriage, whether it hasto do with money, how you're
raising the children andespecially your sex life, how
you're raising the children andespecially your sex life.
The beauty of marriage is thatit's always changing and
(02:10):
evolving, and the strongestmarriages couples keep taking
each other on, they keep askingfor what they want and they keep
growing and stretching for thebenefit of both partners in the
marriage.
That's what keeps intimacy andpassion alive.
So in today's episode, I wantto talk to you about a framework
(02:32):
that I just created, called theFIRE method.
I promise that today's episodeis going to be FIRE, and I want
you to take that word away fromour time together today.
So how do you bring the passionand the fire and the energy
back into your sex life?
(02:53):
You're going to use the acronymFIRE.
Now there's a few things I wantyou to know about how to
collaborate about your sex lifebefore we get started.
First of all, one commonmisconception that I hear a lot
of coaches, therapists andmarriage experts refer to a lot
(03:14):
is that there's this generalconsensus that if we help or
strengthen the emotionalconnection, that the sexual
connection will just follow.
This is false.
I have found that for the mostpart your emotional connection
does help the sexual connectionand most of the time is required
(03:37):
for a strong sexual connection.
But just because you areconnected emotionally does not
necessarily mean that your sexlife will follow.
For example, there are lots ofcouples who are good friends,
who parent the children togetherwell, work as a team to
co-create their life, but one orboth partners is still
(03:59):
dissatisfied with their sexualrelationship.
It does take some additionalwork and there are different
dynamics that govern your sexualrelationship versus the other
dynamics in your marriage.
So while your emotionalconnection is really important,
you still have to do someadditional work on your sex life
(04:20):
, and the reason for that isbecause there are so many
factors that go into that sexualrelationship, and that's one of
the things that this FIREacronym is going to address.
So this FIRE method or acronymis a cheat code for how to
reignite intimacy withoutcompromising.
(04:41):
Each letter in the word FIREstands for a phrase that will
help couples stop settling andstart creating a sex life that
feels deeply connected andsatisfying.
So let's get started.
The first letter, f, stands forface your beliefs.
Now, the reality is you can'tchange what you don't accept,
(05:05):
understand or are able to name.
So the first step in changingyour sexual dynamic, in your
relationship both personally andwith your partner, is to
reflect on what you were taughtabout sex growing up.
It's going to be reallyimportant to identify beliefs
that are not necessarily servingyou, such as myths like good
(05:30):
girls don't enjoy sex, or menalways want sex more than women
do, or sex is a duty.
Like good women keep theirhusbands satisfied.
Right, that is actually a wholechapter in my book that is
coming out really soon.
So I want you to think aboutwhat you were taught growing up.
(05:52):
Now, emily Nagoski has awonderful analogy about a garden
.
We all have a garden and whenwe are young and growing up, we
have no control over what'sbeing planted in our garden.
So the seeds that get placed inour garden are from our parents
, our primary caregivers, ourteachers, leaders, society.
But as an adult, it becomesyour responsibility to tend to
(06:15):
that garden, which means youneed to examine the things that
are growing there and askyourself is this belief serving
me in my marriage or is itslowly sabotaging it?
So think about what you weretaught about your body, about
your spouse's body, about what'sacceptable, and I want you to
(06:36):
really think about.
Is this strengthening oursexual relationship or
sabotaging it?
Journaling helps here.
Meditation is good, prayer isgood.
Really name those beliefs andgive it some deep reflection and
examination.
So that's F face your beliefsNow.
(06:56):
The second letter in FIRE is I.
I stands for initiate honestconversations.
Now, the truth about creating asex life that works for both of
you is that it will not happenby accident.
You absolutely have tocommunicate about your wants,
needs, desires, fantasies, allof the things.
(07:19):
It can be tricky because all ofthese things are very
vulnerable, so you're going tohave to work together to create
emotional safety around thesetypes of conversations.
You want to talk about yourdesires and fantasies.
You want to talk about what'sworking in the bedroom, what's
not working in the bedroom, whatdo you wish your sex life felt
(07:43):
like, looked like?
One thing I really want toemphasize here is this takes
practice, and I want you toremember that emotional
closeness supports sexualvulnerability.
So if you feel emotionallyclose to your partner, you're
probably going to be willing toshare more vulnerably.
But emotional connection doesnot automatically equal a
(08:06):
satisfying sex life.
There's more to it.
So if this is not a conversationthat you're used to regularly
having with your partner, I wantyou to try this request Go to
your partner and say I've beenthinking about how we can make
intimacy more exciting andmeaningful.
Would now be a good time totalk about it, or could we think
(08:28):
of a good time?
I like to suggest that couplespick a regular time to review
and talk about these types ofsexual topics.
My favorite thing is torecommend sex talk Tuesdays.
So every Tuesday, you're goingto go for a walk or a drive and
you're just going to bring upthe topic.
(08:48):
How are we doing sexually?
Do we like where this is going?
What would we want to change?
What are you liking ordisliking about our experiences
this week?
How can we get better?
What are you wrestling withthis week?
This is a really good place tostart.
All right, r might be myfavorite.
(09:09):
R stands for rewrite the rulestogether.
Here's the thing about a marriedrelationship and no matter what
your religion or spiritualbeliefs are around this, the
reality is that you, as amarried couple, get to define
what great sex looks like inyour relationship.
(09:30):
It's not up to your parentsanymore.
It's not up to your churchleaders anymore.
It's between you, your partnerand a greater power.
So that could be God, theuniverse, whatever you subscribe
to, but this is your sexualrelationship.
So let go of any cultural myths, bad marriage advice or shoulds
(09:51):
that you've believed around sex.
Create your own blueprinttogether so you can ask
questions like what does greatsex mean to us?
What turns you on emotionallyand physically?
What boundaries, needs orcuriosities do we want to
explore more in our relationshipand how can we do that?
(10:14):
I want to encourage you to play, get curious and experiment
without pressure or shame.
Remember that your sexuality asadults is like recess for
children.
It's where you get to exploreand experiment.
Use your imagination.
Where you get to explore andexperiment, use your imagination
(10:38):
.
It's extremely connecting andgood for your marriage.
Take away any expectations, anyshame, judgment, and just
really let yourselves explore,engage and get excited together.
This should be fun.
Find ways to make it moreenjoyable and finally, the E in
(10:59):
FIRE stands for engageconsistently.
Like I said, a fulfilling sexlife is not a one-time
conversation.
It won't get fixed overnight.
It's a constant practice,something that you talk about
all the time because it'sconstantly changing through the
different stages and seasons ofyour life and marriage.
(11:22):
Your sex life is going to lookdifferent in the honeymoon phase
, after you have young children,when you have older children,
you've got to be definitely morecreative.
And then, when your childrenstart leaving the house and your
body begins to age.
There are challenges to workthrough in every single one of
these stages.
So keep showing up, keeptalking about it, make sure that
(11:46):
it doesn't feel like anobligation but something fun and
exciting that you get to dotogether.
There are all different ways andthings that you can try, like
scheduling sex.
This works for some couples anddoesn't for others.
You can create rituals ofaffection and playfulness,
(12:07):
explore bridges to desire, whichare ways to kind of warm up,
whether that means getting somealone time, a warm bath, a walk
together, watching a comedyspecial, laying in bed naked.
There are so many ways toprepare your heart, mind and
(12:27):
body for a sexual experience,and remember that there are so
many ways to express yourselfsexually, and they're all just
as important.
So remember to do your sex talkTuesdays and be honest about
your progress, appreciate yourpartner and the efforts that
they're making in thisdepartment, and stay open to
(12:51):
each other.
Here's the most important thingI want you to remember you
don't ever have to compromisewhen it comes to having a great
sex life.
You get to collaborate andco-create a sex life that lights
both of you up.
Remember FIRE stands for facingyour beliefs, initiating honest
(13:12):
conversations, rewriting therules together and, finally,
engaging consistently.
Now listen.
If you would like help in thisprocess, please do not hesitate
to reach out.
You can email me at monnie atmonicatanercom, or just go to
(13:33):
monicatanercom, backslash calland set up a 30 minute
complimentary relationshipbreakthrough with me.
I would love to help youthrough this process, and I've
also created a worksheet thatincludes a lot of the things we
talked about in this episode andquestions for you to ask
yourself and work on with yourpartner.
(13:54):
You can get that by going tomonicatanercom backslash fire.
So I hope that this has beenhelpful to you and remember that
I'll be here, same time, sameplace next week.
And until then, happy marriage.
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and today's episode is going to
be literally fire.
Every once in a while there's atopic that I absolutely know
that I need to address on thepodcast because it's something
that comes up multiple timesduring the week with my coaching
(00:22):
clients and the couples that Iinteract with, and when this
happens, I just know that it'stime to do a podcast episode on
this topic.
So right now I want to talkabout how to create an
uncompromising sex life.
It's been a while since we'vetalked about sexuality on the
(00:43):
podcast and I am a very bigproponent on not compromising in
your marriage.
It's a chapter in my book andI'm teaching a class on it
tomorrow, actually.
So Wednesday, july 16th at noon, I'm teaching a live class on
how to stop compromising in yourmarriage in order to get more
(01:04):
of what you want.
If you wanna join us for thatclass, go to wwwmonicatanercom.
Backslash stop compromising.
On today's podcast episode, Ispecifically wanna talk about
compromising in your sex life,because I feel like a lot of
partners feel like they have tojust settle, especially when
(01:29):
they're a higher desire partner,and it's hard to talk about the
topic of sex with your lowerdesire partner.
Most higher desire partnersjust feel like they have to
settle.
They feel like at a certainpoint in the marriage, they have
to just stop trying and accepttheir fate, and this is where
(01:49):
resentment builds and intimacygoes to die.
I never want you to feel likeyou have to settle for anything
in your marriage, whether it hasto do with money, how you're
raising the children andespecially your sex life, how
you're raising the children andespecially your sex life.
The beauty of marriage is thatit's always changing and
(02:10):
evolving, and the strongestmarriages couples keep taking
each other on, they keep askingfor what they want and they keep
growing and stretching for thebenefit of both partners in the
marriage.
That's what keeps intimacy andpassion alive.
So in today's episode, I wantto talk to you about a framework
(02:32):
that I just created, called theFIRE method.
I promise that today's episodeis going to be FIRE, and I want
you to take that word away fromour time together today.
So how do you bring the passionand the fire and the energy
back into your sex life?
(02:53):
You're going to use the acronymFIRE.
Now there's a few things I wantyou to know about how to
collaborate about your sex lifebefore we get started.
First of all, one commonmisconception that I hear a lot
of coaches, therapists andmarriage experts refer to a lot
(03:14):
is that there's this generalconsensus that if we help or
strengthen the emotionalconnection, that the sexual
connection will just follow.
This is false.
I have found that for the mostpart your emotional connection
does help the sexual connectionand most of the time is required
(03:37):
for a strong sexual connection.
But just because you areconnected emotionally does not
necessarily mean that your sexlife will follow.
For example, there are lots ofcouples who are good friends,
who parent the children togetherwell, work as a team to
co-create their life, but one orboth partners is still
(03:59):
dissatisfied with their sexualrelationship.
It does take some additionalwork and there are different
dynamics that govern your sexualrelationship versus the other
dynamics in your marriage.
So while your emotionalconnection is really important,
you still have to do someadditional work on your sex life
(04:20):
, and the reason for that isbecause there are so many
factors that go into that sexualrelationship, and that's one of
the things that this FIREacronym is going to address.
So this FIRE method or acronymis a cheat code for how to
reignite intimacy withoutcompromising.
(04:41):
Each letter in the word FIREstands for a phrase that will
help couples stop settling andstart creating a sex life that
feels deeply connected andsatisfying.
So let's get started.
The first letter, f, stands forface your beliefs.
Now, the reality is you can'tchange what you don't accept,
(05:05):
understand or are able to name.
So the first step in changingyour sexual dynamic, in your
relationship both personally andwith your partner, is to
reflect on what you were taughtabout sex growing up.
It's going to be reallyimportant to identify beliefs
that are not necessarily servingyou, such as myths like good
(05:30):
girls don't enjoy sex, or menalways want sex more than women
do, or sex is a duty.
Like good women keep theirhusbands satisfied.
Right, that is actually a wholechapter in my book that is
coming out really soon.
So I want you to think aboutwhat you were taught growing up.
(05:52):
Now, emily Nagoski has awonderful analogy about a garden
.
We all have a garden and whenwe are young and growing up, we
have no control over what'sbeing planted in our garden.
So the seeds that get placed inour garden are from our parents
, our primary caregivers, ourteachers, leaders, society.
But as an adult, it becomesyour responsibility to tend to
(06:15):
that garden, which means youneed to examine the things that
are growing there and askyourself is this belief serving
me in my marriage or is itslowly sabotaging it?
So think about what you weretaught about your body, about
your spouse's body, about what'sacceptable, and I want you to
(06:36):
really think about.
Is this strengthening oursexual relationship or
sabotaging it?
Journaling helps here.
Meditation is good, prayer isgood.
Really name those beliefs andgive it some deep reflection and
examination.
So that's F face your beliefsNow.
(06:56):
The second letter in FIRE is I.
I stands for initiate honestconversations.
Now, the truth about creating asex life that works for both of
you is that it will not happenby accident.
You absolutely have tocommunicate about your wants,
needs, desires, fantasies, allof the things.
(07:19):
It can be tricky because all ofthese things are very
vulnerable, so you're going tohave to work together to create
emotional safety around thesetypes of conversations.
You want to talk about yourdesires and fantasies.
You want to talk about what'sworking in the bedroom, what's
not working in the bedroom, whatdo you wish your sex life felt
(07:43):
like, looked like?
One thing I really want toemphasize here is this takes
practice, and I want you toremember that emotional
closeness supports sexualvulnerability.
So if you feel emotionallyclose to your partner, you're
probably going to be willing toshare more vulnerably.
But emotional connection doesnot automatically equal a
(08:06):
satisfying sex life.
There's more to it.
So if this is not a conversationthat you're used to regularly
having with your partner, I wantyou to try this request Go to
your partner and say I've beenthinking about how we can make
intimacy more exciting andmeaningful.
Would now be a good time totalk about it, or could we think
(08:28):
of a good time?
I like to suggest that couplespick a regular time to review
and talk about these types ofsexual topics.
My favorite thing is torecommend sex talk Tuesdays.
So every Tuesday, you're goingto go for a walk or a drive and
you're just going to bring upthe topic.
(08:48):
How are we doing sexually?
Do we like where this is going?
What would we want to change?
What are you liking ordisliking about our experiences
this week?
How can we get better?
What are you wrestling withthis week?
This is a really good place tostart.
All right, r might be myfavorite.
(09:09):
R stands for rewrite the rulestogether.
Here's the thing about a marriedrelationship and no matter what
your religion or spiritualbeliefs are around this, the
reality is that you, as amarried couple, get to define
what great sex looks like inyour relationship.
(09:30):
It's not up to your parentsanymore.
It's not up to your churchleaders anymore.
It's between you, your partnerand a greater power.
So that could be God, theuniverse, whatever you subscribe
to, but this is your sexualrelationship.
So let go of any cultural myths, bad marriage advice or shoulds
(09:51):
that you've believed around sex.
Create your own blueprinttogether so you can ask
questions like what does greatsex mean to us?
What turns you on emotionallyand physically?
What boundaries, needs orcuriosities do we want to
explore more in our relationshipand how can we do that?
(10:14):
I want to encourage you to play, get curious and experiment
without pressure or shame.
Remember that your sexuality asadults is like recess for
children.
It's where you get to exploreand experiment.
Use your imagination.
Where you get to explore andexperiment, use your imagination
(10:38):
.
It's extremely connecting andgood for your marriage.
Take away any expectations, anyshame, judgment, and just
really let yourselves explore,engage and get excited together.
This should be fun.
Find ways to make it moreenjoyable and finally, the E in
(10:59):
FIRE stands for engageconsistently.
Like I said, a fulfilling sexlife is not a one-time
conversation.
It won't get fixed overnight.
It's a constant practice,something that you talk about
all the time because it'sconstantly changing through the
different stages and seasons ofyour life and marriage.
(11:22):
Your sex life is going to lookdifferent in the honeymoon phase
, after you have young children,when you have older children,
you've got to be definitely morecreative.
And then, when your childrenstart leaving the house and your
body begins to age.
There are challenges to workthrough in every single one of
these stages.
So keep showing up, keeptalking about it, make sure that
(11:46):
it doesn't feel like anobligation but something fun and
exciting that you get to dotogether.
There are all different ways andthings that you can try, like
scheduling sex.
This works for some couples anddoesn't for others.
You can create rituals ofaffection and playfulness,
(12:07):
explore bridges to desire, whichare ways to kind of warm up,
whether that means getting somealone time, a warm bath, a walk
together, watching a comedyspecial, laying in bed naked.
There are so many ways toprepare your heart, mind and
(12:27):
body for a sexual experience,and remember that there are so
many ways to express yourselfsexually, and they're all just
as important.
So remember to do your sex talkTuesdays and be honest about
your progress, appreciate yourpartner and the efforts that
they're making in thisdepartment, and stay open to
(12:51):
each other.
Here's the most important thingI want you to remember you
don't ever have to compromisewhen it comes to having a great
sex life.
You get to collaborate andco-create a sex life that lights
both of you up.
Remember FIRE stands for facingyour beliefs, initiating honest
(13:12):
conversations, rewriting therules together and, finally,
engaging consistently.
Now listen.
If you would like help in thisprocess, please do not hesitate
to reach out.
You can email me at monnie atmonicatanercom, or just go to
(13:33):
monicatanercom, backslash calland set up a 30 minute
complimentary relationshipbreakthrough with me.
I would love to help youthrough this process, and I've
also created a worksheet thatincludes a lot of the things we
talked about in this episode andquestions for you to ask
yourself and work on with yourpartner.
(13:54):
You can get that by going tomonicatanercom backslash fire.
So I hope that this has beenhelpful to you and remember that
I'll be here, same time, sameplace next week.
And until then, happy marriage.
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