June 24, 2025 • 20 mins
Money conversations don't have to lead to arguments—they can actually strengthen relationships when approached with the right communication tools and mindset. We explore three essential skills for talking about finances with your spouse that build connection instead of conflict.
• Understanding each other's money personalities and formative experiences around finances
• Learning to express your needs without blame or judgment
• Scheduling regular, low-pressure "money huddles" to stay on the same page
• Keeping financial discussions light and celebrating small wins together
• Remembering you're on the same team when financial differences arise
• Creating communication strategies that honor both partners' financial perspectives
• Walking or driving side-by-side can make difficult money conversations easier
I'm still offering my summer special for engaged and newlywed couples: three premarital or newly post-marital coaching sessions for the price of one. Email me at moni@monicatanner.com or set up a call at monicatanner.com/call. Also, watch for my upcoming book "Bad Marriage Advice" – get on the mailing list at www.badmarriageadvice.com for updates on when it will be available.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and I'm really excited about our
episode.
For today we're going to talkabout something I do not usually
talk about, but I do have a lotof insight on this topic.
Today's topic is how to talk toyour spouse about money without
(00:22):
starting a fight or gettingdefensive, which is actually a
pretty tricky thing to do.
But before we get started, Iwant to remind you that I'm
still doing a summer special forengaged couples and newlyweds
to do some premarital or newlypost-marital coaching with the
(00:43):
couple.
This is super beneficialbecause it creates a really
solid foundation to start on,and my offer is three sessions
for the price of just one.
Now.
During these sessions, we'llfigure out what the couple's
early dynamics are meaning whenthey're disagreeing about
something or not on the samepage.
(01:05):
Do they tend to go one up orone down?
Do they tend towards walled offor boundaryless?
These things are reallyimportant to know about yourself
and your partner, because itwill also help you identify your
losing strategies and thingsthat will create dysfunctional
dynamics in your marriage whenthings get tough.
(01:28):
We'll also examine whether ornot there's any past trauma that
needs to be dealt with, as wellas learn important skills such
as re-parenting the adaptivechild, moving into second
consciousness, taking a break,conflict repair, how to stand up
to each other with loving power, cherishing each other and,
(01:51):
most importantly, stayingconnected even when it's hard.
We'll answer questions aboutemotional, physical and sexual
intimacy.
These are all really importanttopics to look at in the
beginning of your marriage sothat you can deal with things
when they're very, very small,even before they even become
issues, and set the couple upfor success.
(02:14):
So if you are getting marriedor newly married, or you love a
couple who is getting married ornewly married, please reach out
to me.
You can email me at moni, atmonicatanercom, or simply set up
a call at monicatanercombackslash call so I can give you
(02:34):
a certificate that the couplecan use to set up their three
appointments.
Also, we're getting reallyclose to the launch of my new
book Bad Marriage Advicedebunking myths that will make
you miserable and what to doinstead.
It will be available on Amazonand other retailers, so you
(02:56):
definitely want to get on thatmailing list at
wwwbadmarriageadvicecom so youcan get all the updates on when
it will be available.
Such a great gift for all themarrieds in your life.
All right, so let's starttalking about money.
Now here's the thing with money.
(03:16):
I am not an expert on actuallymaking money.
I'm pretty good at saving moneybut what I'm really good at is
communicating about money in away that is connecting rather
than splintering.
My husband and I come from verydifferent money backgrounds,
and so we've had lots and lotsand lots of disagreements about
(03:38):
money and we've had tocommunicate a lot about money.
So today's episode is how totalk to your spouse about money
without starting a fight, andit's based on a presentation I
gave a couple of weeks ago withmy friends Nate and Bethany from
how Money Works.
So I think one of the funniesttruths about marriage that we
hear all the time is thatopposites attract, but then they
(04:01):
fight about money.
Usually, a spender marries asaver, or somebody who's more
spontaneous marries somebody wholikes to plan.
Often, one partner likes tospend their money on experiences
, while the other is moreinterested in spending on assets
, and then there's a partner whowants money that provides
(04:22):
freedom, while the other usesmoney to provide security.
These are very common dynamicsbetween couples when it comes to
money.
The reason why this matters isbecause money is one of the top
causes of stress inrelationships.
I was just at a mastermindwhere a good friend of mine, dan
(04:46):
Purcell, brought a bunch ofcoaches and people that support
marriages together for a fewdays to talk about our
experiences in our business andalso working with couples.
And there was a really coolfriend there named Dan Oki, and
he talked all about hisexperience when he first got
(05:08):
married with money.
So he was definitely a spender.
He had accrued a lot of debtbecause his philosophy about
money was easy come, easy go.
He figured he would just makemoney and pay off the debt
leader.
And he married a woman who wasvery indoctrinated with Dave
Ramsey's save, save, save, andso they had a very difficult
(05:31):
conversation a couple of weeksbefore they got married.
Now I don't want to tell theirentire story because they'll
probably be coming on thepodcast to talk about what they
do for couples around money,which is really, really cool.
But those initial conversationsabout where they both were with
money and what needed to happenfor both of them to feel
(05:51):
comfortable in the relationshipwere very difficult.
And now they have a companythat helps couples manage their
money work with their money,because it is a big sticking
point for a lot of couples.
The reality is is that whenyou're fighting about money,
it's not actually about thenumbers.
(06:12):
It's about how you'recommunicating.
Money just happens to be a verytangible way to see your
differences, and because peoplehave such ingrained and
entrenched money stories fromgrowing up, it becomes a place
where there's a lot ofcontention.
But most fights aren't actuallyabout dollars.
(06:34):
They're about emotions, valuesand feeling misunderstood, which
is why it's more important thanever to really be able to key
in on some importantcommunication skills, especially
when it comes to money.
So in this episode I want togive you three really good
(06:54):
communication tools when itcomes to talking about money
without starting a fight.
So the first skill and this onewill take your entire marriage
it's not like a check off thelist type conversation, but it's
something that you can startimmediately, and that is to know
and understand each other'smoney personalities and
(07:19):
experiences.
So basically, it's getting toknow your partner's money
stories.
This is something that myhusband and I have spent a lot
of time working on.
One of my favorite places totalk about money is when we take
vacations once a year to thebeach.
My husband loves walking on thebeach, and we will spend hours
(07:40):
and hours and hours walking andtalking, and this is such a
great time for us to askquestions Like tell me about
your experiences growing uparound money.
Again, my husband and I arecomplete opposites in every
realm of money.
My parents both were employedand working when I was young,
(08:03):
and we had lots and lots ofmoney.
I had all the latest toys.
We lived in a very nice house.
I don't ever remember askingfor something that wasn't super
easy for my parents to provide.
Now my husband, on the otherhand, grew up with six siblings
in a very small, modest home.
They had five children beforehis dad even graduated from law
(08:27):
school.
He remembers splitting aSnickers bar six ways on a
Saturday to share with hissiblings, and some of his
siblings would take their littlepiece of candy to their bedroom
and save it.
So his experience growing uparound money was very different
than mine.
Now, as we were both enteringinto high school, my parents
(08:48):
divorced, my dad went back toschool, and so I had to earn my
own money.
So I was no longer reallyspoiled and got everything that
I wanted.
I had to pay for my own gas, mytoiletries, anything that I
wanted to do for fun.
There wasn't money in thebudget for that.
I got a job, whereas myhusband's family was just
(09:09):
starting to really make moremoney, and so, as he was
entering high school, he was nowgoing from thrift store
hand-me-down clothes to moredesigner things that he liked.
But I will tell you, for both ofus, our upbringing set us up
for a really strong work ethic.
So while we often disagreed onhow to spend our money, we both
(09:34):
valued saving our money andworking really, really hard to
earn it.
So that was nice, but itallowed us to have lots of fun
discussions about.
I would ask my husbandquestions like was there
anything that helped you knowthat you had less money than
maybe people around you, or didyou ever feel like you didn't
(09:56):
have as much money as otherfriends your age?
I love asking him how he formedhis really strong work ethic.
And then we have longdiscussions about how we want to
spend money when it comes toour children so that they will
also develop a strong work ethic, and through our separate
(10:17):
experiences, we understand thathelping our children develop a
strong work ethic can come inlots of different ways, but
understanding our experiencesgrowing up has really helped
when it comes to understandingeach other's money personality.
So this first skill is knowingyour money personality.
(10:37):
So in relation to my husband, Iwould be the spender, even
though I don't spend that muchmoney I really am a saver but in
relationship to my husband, whois very much a saver, I would
be the spender.
I like spending money onexperiences, where initially,
when we first got married, hewas always trying to really
(11:00):
spend money on assets andinvestments where I was like we
need to go on dates, we need totake our family on vacation.
But it took a good amount oftime for me to convince him that
experiences were just asimportant as investments.
So for my husband, who's thesaver, security and peace of
(11:20):
mind is really important to him.
He doesn't like having any debt.
He likes to see money in thebank account.
He watches every dollar andsometimes it can come off as
controlling or anxious, but it'svery helpful for me to
understand where he's comingfrom so that I don't feel
offended or criticized orcontrolled by his ideas around
(11:44):
money.
And the same for me.
I love spending money onexperiences for myself, for my
family, for my friends.
I think that money is there tobe spent on fun, and I don't
love budgeting or looking at thebig picture.
So those conversations can getcontentious unless we remember
(12:04):
our differences.
Other money personalitiesinclude the planner, a freedom
chaser.
People equate money withdifferent things like working
towards goals and not beingsurprised, versus being able to
be flexible and independent andnot feeling restricted, right.
So there's all kinds ofpersonalities and values and
(12:26):
preferences when it comes to howdo we spend our money.
So the first and probably oneof the most important skills is
to know your money personality,your partner's personality, and
know about how those were formed.
It will help you give a lotmore grace when you're
disagreeing about something.
(12:47):
You give a lot more grace whenyou're disagreeing about
something.
Now the second money skill thatI want to talk about.
That's actually prettychallenging.
It takes some practice, andthis is to suspend judgment and
blame.
So, like I said, if you'recommunicating about money and
you have two different moneypersonalities and experiences
around money, you're often goingto run into lots of different
(13:11):
areas in which you don't agreeabout how to get something done,
for example, creating anemergency fund.
Now, blaming your partner soundssomething like you never think
ahead.
We're just one emergency caraway from disaster.
That might be how one partnerthinks, but a different way to
communicate.
That is I feel anxious when wedon't have a cushion for
(13:35):
emergencies.
I need us to be able to build asmall savings account which can
act as an emergency fund sothat I can relax.
Do you see the differencebetween the blame and the
expressing the need?
Another conversation that mightbe difficult is around how you
use credit cards.
Right, a blaming statementwould be you're so irresponsible
(13:56):
with your spending.
How can you just buy withoutasking?
We don't have the money forthat?
Versus I feel out of the loopwhen you make big purchases on
our credit card without having aconversation with me first.
I need us to agree on aspending threshold that we both
feel good about.
Do you see the difference there?
Now, if you're disagreeing overpriorities around money, a
(14:18):
blaming statement might be youweigh so much money on things
that we don't need, versus.
I feel stressed when we don'ttalk about our financial goals.
I need us to sit down andfigure out what's really
important to both of us so thatwe can work towards it together.
Do you see the difference inthose two statements?
So, learning how to talk aboutmoney where you're being
(14:40):
vulnerable about your needsversus blaming your partner for
not caring sound like verydifferent statements.
So approaching theseconversations without judgment
and blame is going to be a veryimportant skill to practice and
perfect.
Now, you're not going to get itright every single time.
There's going to be moments offrustration and, again, grace
(15:02):
and understanding where eachother is coming from is so
important in those circumstances.
But it can be something thatyou're both always working
towards.
Now, the third skill I want totalk about is something that I
have not historically been supergood at, and these are
scheduling regular money huddles, so you don't have to call them
(15:24):
budgeting meetings or anythingthat is like triggering like
that.
I do not like operating from abudget.
I've been very lucky my entiremarriage, that these discussions
or huddles have worked for myhusband and I, so that I don't
have to follow really a budgetvery closely.
But here's some things I'velearned about these huddles.
(15:44):
First of all, schedule it sothat you don't avoid it.
You want to make sure that it'son your calendar, just like
date night, just like yourdentist appointments.
Just have muddy money huddleOnce a week was really important
when we didn't have a lot ofexpendable income.
You can spread them out a littlebit depending on how tight or
(16:07):
loose you're feeling aboutneeding to have these
conversations.
But originally once a week wasa good cadence for those
meetings.
We would sit down for about 15minutes so we don't make it
super long and boring.
We would talk about what wentwell that week, what's coming up
like big expenditures, likemaybe we need to buy a car or
(16:29):
maybe we need to get the carpetscleaned or we need to pay off
some medical bills.
We talked about what went well,what's coming up and is
anything feeling stressful Nowthese times that once I we had a
bunch of kids and I wasn't inthe day-to-day budgeting
thinking about money, all ofthat.
My husband was paying a lot ofthe bills.
He would need to let me knowthat we need to pay off this
(16:51):
certain thing, or we're savingmoney towards a payment for our
insurance, or he would let meknow this is how much money
we're having to save over hereto the side that is going
towards a certain thing.
He would explain to me ourinvestments, where money was
coming from at different times.
So it's really important tostay on the same page with these
(17:15):
huddles.
Another reason it's importantis because he was handling all
of the investments and bills andthose types of things.
If something happened to him,it's important for me to know
where I could go to find all ofour investments, find all of the
money, things like that.
So it's important to get on thesame page.
So these huddles are importantfor a lot of reasons, but here's
(17:36):
how to keep them fun.
And not making a fight out ofthem is to keep the tone light,
celebrate small wins, andsometimes using a shared app on
your phone can be really helpful.
There's so many important oneslike Rocket Money, quickbooks
and others that can help youkind of stay on the same page
(17:57):
about what money you have comingin versus the money you have
going out.
And then here's, like a littlebonus tip my husband and I like
to do something fun after theselittle money huddles, because it
sometimes can be a little bituncomfortable for one or both of
us.
But, like I said, practicemakes better right.
(18:18):
So the more we would have thesedifficult money huddles, the
easier it became for both of us.
So just to recap here I don'twant to overwhelm you there are
I just talked about three skillsfor having better money
conversations.
The first one is to understandeach other's money personalities
, styles and experiences.
(18:39):
This really is helpful whenyou're disagreeing or coming
from opposite viewpoints aroundsomething having to do with
money.
Number two is suspendingjudgment and blame.
You're definitely going to wantto get rid of you always.
You nevers big absolutes andobjective reality.
Just remember, you're on thesame team.
(19:01):
So how can we work this out ina way that feels good to both of
us?
And then, number three, startthose weekly check-ins.
Again, these don't have to bereally heavy meetings.
You can keep it light, talkabout what's going well, what's
coming up and what is stressfulfor both of you.
(19:21):
All right, you guys, now youare better equipped to have
these money conversationswithout fighting about it.
So I want you to try one ofthese skills this week.
Don't try to immediatelyimplement all three of them,
just try one thing Start aconversation about money, even
if it's imperfect.
Here's a bonus tip when youstart talking about money,
(19:44):
usually if you're walking ordriving in the same direction
versus looking straight intoeach other's eyes, these
difficult conversations tend togo better.
And remember, it's not aboutbeing right, it's about staying
connected.
That's how you'll know ifyou're doing it well.
Can you have theseconversations and remember
suspending judgment and blame,staying connected, staying
(20:07):
curious and staying on the sameteam.
Now, if you have any questionsabout how to communicate about
money, feel free to send them myway.
Like I said, my husband and Ihave been married for 23 years.
We come from entirely oppositebackgrounds when it comes to our
experiences around money andwe've had to be really
(20:28):
understanding and patient witheach other when it comes to
these money conversations.
So we'll see you again nextweek, same time, same place, and
until then, happy marriageing.
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and I'm really excited about our
episode.
For today we're going to talkabout something I do not usually
talk about, but I do have a lotof insight on this topic.
Today's topic is how to talk toyour spouse about money without
(00:22):
starting a fight or gettingdefensive, which is actually a
pretty tricky thing to do.
But before we get started, Iwant to remind you that I'm
still doing a summer special forengaged couples and newlyweds
to do some premarital or newlypost-marital coaching with the
(00:43):
couple.
This is super beneficialbecause it creates a really
solid foundation to start on,and my offer is three sessions
for the price of just one.
Now.
During these sessions, we'llfigure out what the couple's
early dynamics are meaning whenthey're disagreeing about
something or not on the samepage.
(01:05):
Do they tend to go one up orone down?
Do they tend towards walled offor boundaryless?
These things are reallyimportant to know about yourself
and your partner, because itwill also help you identify your
losing strategies and thingsthat will create dysfunctional
dynamics in your marriage whenthings get tough.
(01:28):
We'll also examine whether ornot there's any past trauma that
needs to be dealt with, as wellas learn important skills such
as re-parenting the adaptivechild, moving into second
consciousness, taking a break,conflict repair, how to stand up
to each other with loving power, cherishing each other and,
(01:51):
most importantly, stayingconnected even when it's hard.
We'll answer questions aboutemotional, physical and sexual
intimacy.
These are all really importanttopics to look at in the
beginning of your marriage sothat you can deal with things
when they're very, very small,even before they even become
issues, and set the couple upfor success.
(02:14):
So if you are getting marriedor newly married, or you love a
couple who is getting married ornewly married, please reach out
to me.
You can email me at moni, atmonicatanercom, or simply set up
a call at monicatanercombackslash call so I can give you
(02:34):
a certificate that the couplecan use to set up their three
appointments.
Also, we're getting reallyclose to the launch of my new
book Bad Marriage Advicedebunking myths that will make
you miserable and what to doinstead.
It will be available on Amazonand other retailers, so you
(02:56):
definitely want to get on thatmailing list at
wwwbadmarriageadvicecom so youcan get all the updates on when
it will be available.
Such a great gift for all themarrieds in your life.
All right, so let's starttalking about money.
Now here's the thing with money.
(03:16):
I am not an expert on actuallymaking money.
I'm pretty good at saving moneybut what I'm really good at is
communicating about money in away that is connecting rather
than splintering.
My husband and I come from verydifferent money backgrounds,
and so we've had lots and lotsand lots of disagreements about
(03:38):
money and we've had tocommunicate a lot about money.
So today's episode is how totalk to your spouse about money
without starting a fight, andit's based on a presentation I
gave a couple of weeks ago withmy friends Nate and Bethany from
how Money Works.
So I think one of the funniesttruths about marriage that we
hear all the time is thatopposites attract, but then they
(04:01):
fight about money.
Usually, a spender marries asaver, or somebody who's more
spontaneous marries somebody wholikes to plan.
Often, one partner likes tospend their money on experiences
, while the other is moreinterested in spending on assets
, and then there's a partner whowants money that provides
(04:22):
freedom, while the other usesmoney to provide security.
These are very common dynamicsbetween couples when it comes to
money.
The reason why this matters isbecause money is one of the top
causes of stress inrelationships.
I was just at a mastermindwhere a good friend of mine, dan
(04:46):
Purcell, brought a bunch ofcoaches and people that support
marriages together for a fewdays to talk about our
experiences in our business andalso working with couples.
And there was a really coolfriend there named Dan Oki, and
he talked all about hisexperience when he first got
(05:08):
married with money.
So he was definitely a spender.
He had accrued a lot of debtbecause his philosophy about
money was easy come, easy go.
He figured he would just makemoney and pay off the debt
leader.
And he married a woman who wasvery indoctrinated with Dave
Ramsey's save, save, save, andso they had a very difficult
(05:31):
conversation a couple of weeksbefore they got married.
Now I don't want to tell theirentire story because they'll
probably be coming on thepodcast to talk about what they
do for couples around money,which is really, really cool.
But those initial conversationsabout where they both were with
money and what needed to happenfor both of them to feel
(05:51):
comfortable in the relationshipwere very difficult.
And now they have a companythat helps couples manage their
money work with their money,because it is a big sticking
point for a lot of couples.
The reality is is that whenyou're fighting about money,
it's not actually about thenumbers.
(06:12):
It's about how you'recommunicating.
Money just happens to be a verytangible way to see your
differences, and because peoplehave such ingrained and
entrenched money stories fromgrowing up, it becomes a place
where there's a lot ofcontention.
But most fights aren't actuallyabout dollars.
(06:34):
They're about emotions, valuesand feeling misunderstood, which
is why it's more important thanever to really be able to key
in on some importantcommunication skills, especially
when it comes to money.
So in this episode I want togive you three really good
(06:54):
communication tools when itcomes to talking about money
without starting a fight.
So the first skill and this onewill take your entire marriage
it's not like a check off thelist type conversation, but it's
something that you can startimmediately, and that is to know
and understand each other'smoney personalities and
(07:19):
experiences.
So basically, it's getting toknow your partner's money
stories.
This is something that myhusband and I have spent a lot
of time working on.
One of my favorite places totalk about money is when we take
vacations once a year to thebeach.
My husband loves walking on thebeach, and we will spend hours
(07:40):
and hours and hours walking andtalking, and this is such a
great time for us to askquestions Like tell me about
your experiences growing uparound money.
Again, my husband and I arecomplete opposites in every
realm of money.
My parents both were employedand working when I was young,
(08:03):
and we had lots and lots ofmoney.
I had all the latest toys.
We lived in a very nice house.
I don't ever remember askingfor something that wasn't super
easy for my parents to provide.
Now my husband, on the otherhand, grew up with six siblings
in a very small, modest home.
They had five children beforehis dad even graduated from law
(08:27):
school.
He remembers splitting aSnickers bar six ways on a
Saturday to share with hissiblings, and some of his
siblings would take their littlepiece of candy to their bedroom
and save it.
So his experience growing uparound money was very different
than mine.
Now, as we were both enteringinto high school, my parents
(08:48):
divorced, my dad went back toschool, and so I had to earn my
own money.
So I was no longer reallyspoiled and got everything that
I wanted.
I had to pay for my own gas, mytoiletries, anything that I
wanted to do for fun.
There wasn't money in thebudget for that.
I got a job, whereas myhusband's family was just
(09:09):
starting to really make moremoney, and so, as he was
entering high school, he was nowgoing from thrift store
hand-me-down clothes to moredesigner things that he liked.
But I will tell you, for both ofus, our upbringing set us up
for a really strong work ethic.
So while we often disagreed onhow to spend our money, we both
(09:34):
valued saving our money andworking really, really hard to
earn it.
So that was nice, but itallowed us to have lots of fun
discussions about.
I would ask my husbandquestions like was there
anything that helped you knowthat you had less money than
maybe people around you, or didyou ever feel like you didn't
(09:56):
have as much money as otherfriends your age?
I love asking him how he formedhis really strong work ethic.
And then we have longdiscussions about how we want to
spend money when it comes toour children so that they will
also develop a strong work ethic, and through our separate
(10:17):
experiences, we understand thathelping our children develop a
strong work ethic can come inlots of different ways, but
understanding our experiencesgrowing up has really helped
when it comes to understandingeach other's money personality.
So this first skill is knowingyour money personality.
(10:37):
So in relation to my husband, Iwould be the spender, even
though I don't spend that muchmoney I really am a saver but in
relationship to my husband, whois very much a saver, I would
be the spender.
I like spending money onexperiences, where initially,
when we first got married, hewas always trying to really
(11:00):
spend money on assets andinvestments where I was like we
need to go on dates, we need totake our family on vacation.
But it took a good amount oftime for me to convince him that
experiences were just asimportant as investments.
So for my husband, who's thesaver, security and peace of
(11:20):
mind is really important to him.
He doesn't like having any debt.
He likes to see money in thebank account.
He watches every dollar andsometimes it can come off as
controlling or anxious, but it'svery helpful for me to
understand where he's comingfrom so that I don't feel
offended or criticized orcontrolled by his ideas around
(11:44):
money.
And the same for me.
I love spending money onexperiences for myself, for my
family, for my friends.
I think that money is there tobe spent on fun, and I don't
love budgeting or looking at thebig picture.
So those conversations can getcontentious unless we remember
(12:04):
our differences.
Other money personalitiesinclude the planner, a freedom
chaser.
People equate money withdifferent things like working
towards goals and not beingsurprised, versus being able to
be flexible and independent andnot feeling restricted, right.
So there's all kinds ofpersonalities and values and
(12:26):
preferences when it comes to howdo we spend our money.
So the first and probably oneof the most important skills is
to know your money personality,your partner's personality, and
know about how those were formed.
It will help you give a lotmore grace when you're
disagreeing about something.
(12:47):
You give a lot more grace whenyou're disagreeing about
something.
Now the second money skill thatI want to talk about.
That's actually prettychallenging.
It takes some practice, andthis is to suspend judgment and
blame.
So, like I said, if you'recommunicating about money and
you have two different moneypersonalities and experiences
around money, you're often goingto run into lots of different
(13:11):
areas in which you don't agreeabout how to get something done,
for example, creating anemergency fund.
Now, blaming your partner soundssomething like you never think
ahead.
We're just one emergency caraway from disaster.
That might be how one partnerthinks, but a different way to
communicate.
That is I feel anxious when wedon't have a cushion for
(13:35):
emergencies.
I need us to be able to build asmall savings account which can
act as an emergency fund sothat I can relax.
Do you see the differencebetween the blame and the
expressing the need?
Another conversation that mightbe difficult is around how you
use credit cards.
Right, a blaming statementwould be you're so irresponsible
(13:56):
with your spending.
How can you just buy withoutasking?
We don't have the money forthat?
Versus I feel out of the loopwhen you make big purchases on
our credit card without having aconversation with me first.
I need us to agree on aspending threshold that we both
feel good about.
Do you see the difference there?
Now, if you're disagreeing overpriorities around money, a
(14:18):
blaming statement might be youweigh so much money on things
that we don't need, versus.
I feel stressed when we don'ttalk about our financial goals.
I need us to sit down andfigure out what's really
important to both of us so thatwe can work towards it together.
Do you see the difference inthose two statements?
So, learning how to talk aboutmoney where you're being
(14:40):
vulnerable about your needsversus blaming your partner for
not caring sound like verydifferent statements.
So approaching theseconversations without judgment
and blame is going to be a veryimportant skill to practice and
perfect.
Now, you're not going to get itright every single time.
There's going to be moments offrustration and, again, grace
(15:02):
and understanding where eachother is coming from is so
important in those circumstances.
But it can be something thatyou're both always working
towards.
Now, the third skill I want totalk about is something that I
have not historically been supergood at, and these are
scheduling regular money huddles, so you don't have to call them
(15:24):
budgeting meetings or anythingthat is like triggering like
that.
I do not like operating from abudget.
I've been very lucky my entiremarriage, that these discussions
or huddles have worked for myhusband and I, so that I don't
have to follow really a budgetvery closely.
But here's some things I'velearned about these huddles.
(15:44):
First of all, schedule it sothat you don't avoid it.
You want to make sure that it'son your calendar, just like
date night, just like yourdentist appointments.
Just have muddy money huddleOnce a week was really important
when we didn't have a lot ofexpendable income.
You can spread them out a littlebit depending on how tight or
(16:07):
loose you're feeling aboutneeding to have these
conversations.
But originally once a week wasa good cadence for those
meetings.
We would sit down for about 15minutes so we don't make it
super long and boring.
We would talk about what wentwell that week, what's coming up
like big expenditures, likemaybe we need to buy a car or
(16:29):
maybe we need to get the carpetscleaned or we need to pay off
some medical bills.
We talked about what went well,what's coming up and is
anything feeling stressful Nowthese times that once I we had a
bunch of kids and I wasn't inthe day-to-day budgeting
thinking about money, all ofthat.
My husband was paying a lot ofthe bills.
He would need to let me knowthat we need to pay off this
(16:51):
certain thing, or we're savingmoney towards a payment for our
insurance, or he would let meknow this is how much money
we're having to save over hereto the side that is going
towards a certain thing.
He would explain to me ourinvestments, where money was
coming from at different times.
So it's really important tostay on the same page with these
(17:15):
huddles.
Another reason it's importantis because he was handling all
of the investments and bills andthose types of things.
If something happened to him,it's important for me to know
where I could go to find all ofour investments, find all of the
money, things like that.
So it's important to get on thesame page.
So these huddles are importantfor a lot of reasons, but here's
(17:36):
how to keep them fun.
And not making a fight out ofthem is to keep the tone light,
celebrate small wins, andsometimes using a shared app on
your phone can be really helpful.
There's so many important oneslike Rocket Money, quickbooks
and others that can help youkind of stay on the same page
(17:57):
about what money you have comingin versus the money you have
going out.
And then here's, like a littlebonus tip my husband and I like
to do something fun after theselittle money huddles, because it
sometimes can be a little bituncomfortable for one or both of
us.
But, like I said, practicemakes better right.
(18:18):
So the more we would have thesedifficult money huddles, the
easier it became for both of us.
So just to recap here I don'twant to overwhelm you there are
I just talked about three skillsfor having better money
conversations.
The first one is to understandeach other's money personalities
, styles and experiences.
(18:39):
This really is helpful whenyou're disagreeing or coming
from opposite viewpoints aroundsomething having to do with
money.
Number two is suspendingjudgment and blame.
You're definitely going to wantto get rid of you always.
You nevers big absolutes andobjective reality.
Just remember, you're on thesame team.
(19:01):
So how can we work this out ina way that feels good to both of
us?
And then, number three, startthose weekly check-ins.
Again, these don't have to bereally heavy meetings.
You can keep it light, talkabout what's going well, what's
coming up and what is stressfulfor both of you.
(19:21):
All right, you guys, now youare better equipped to have
these money conversationswithout fighting about it.
So I want you to try one ofthese skills this week.
Don't try to immediatelyimplement all three of them,
just try one thing Start aconversation about money, even
if it's imperfect.
Here's a bonus tip when youstart talking about money,
(19:44):
usually if you're walking ordriving in the same direction
versus looking straight intoeach other's eyes, these
difficult conversations tend togo better.
And remember, it's not aboutbeing right, it's about staying
connected.
That's how you'll know ifyou're doing it well.
Can you have theseconversations and remember
suspending judgment and blame,staying connected, staying
(20:07):
curious and staying on the sameteam.
Now, if you have any questionsabout how to communicate about
money, feel free to send them myway.
Like I said, my husband and Ihave been married for 23 years.
We come from entirely oppositebackgrounds when it comes to our
experiences around money andwe've had to be really
(20:28):
understanding and patient witheach other when it comes to
these money conversations.
So we'll see you again nextweek, same time, same place, and
until then, happy marriageing.
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