April 15, 2025 • 15 mins
In this episode, we explore how recommitting to daily conversations and weekly date nights can reignite emotional intimacy and transform your relationship with your partner.
• Gottman research shows mapping your partner's inner world is crucial for emotional connection
• People constantly change and evolve—nobody remains the same person they were when you married
• Commit to 20 minutes of daily connection through walking and meaningful conversation
• Move beyond transactional topics (kids, chores, schedules) to discover what excites or stresses your partner
• Ask questions like "What are you learning right now?" or "Who are you enjoying talking to lately?"
• Use weekly date nights to explore the origins of beliefs about sex, money, relationships
• Investigate childhood experiences to understand where your partner's core beliefs originated
• "Weed out" unhealthy beliefs and intentionally plant new ideas in your relationship garden
• Emotional connection naturally enhances all other forms of intimacy
• Utilize resources like card decks, apps, and games for inspiration if you're struggling with conversation starters
I invite you to go for a walk with your spouse every single day, start mapping their inner world with really good questions, and make sure you're getting date night on the calendar every week. I promise it will make a huge difference in the connection, closeness and emotional intimacy you feel with your partner.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, Monica Tanner,and I have a fun and quickie
episode for you today.
Since we talked about sexualdisconnection last week, I
wanted to talk about somethingthat you can do right now to
restart your emotionalconnection, to get your heart
(00:25):
pumping and you feeling reallyfired up about wanting to be
close to your partner.
I was doing research on coversfor my new book, so I'm super
excited.
We are in the process ofsending it to the designer to
put the front and back covertogether, and so there is a form
(00:48):
that I had to fill out where Italked about covers that I like
and covers that I don't like andelements of each, so that I
could give my designer the bestideas of what I like and dislike
and how I see the front cover.
And so I was scrolling throughAmazon looking at a bunch of
(01:08):
covers to other books that areabout marriage and relationships
, and I saw several books withthe title something to the
effect of how to improve yourmarriage without talking about
it, and I definitely sent thatas one of the ideas I didn't
like because, first of all, thetitle is terrible.
Not talking about it is ahorrible idea and I personally
(01:33):
cannot see any way to improveyour marriage without
communication and talking aboutit.
So I'm not even curious as towhat's inside that book because
I feel like it's probably allgarbage.
No disrespect to the author,I'm sure they meant well, but in
this episode my main objectiveis to get you talking to each
(01:56):
other more.
But I'm not going to give youany skills here, like of repair
or the feedback wheel ordifferent things like that.
I just want you talkinglightheartedly to each other,
getting to know each other,connecting emotionally on a
daily and weekly basis, and Iwant to give you a whole bunch
of ideas on what you can talk toabout each other.
(02:20):
That would be getting to knoweach other's inner worlds better
, Because, according to Gottman,being able to have a detailed
map of your partner's innerworld is so crucial to emotional
connection.
And one thing that happens overtime as couples are together for
a long time, is they start tofeel like they just know all the
(02:44):
things about each other or theyget bogged down in very
transactional communicationabout the kids, about the
housework, about each other'scareers, money, those types of
things, and so they stop gettingreally curious and mapping each
other's inner worlds, which arealways changing.
So one of the chapters in thebook I talk about how I hate it
(03:08):
when I hear couples say they'rejust not the same person I
married.
Of course they're not the sameperson you married.
They're not even the sameperson they were 15 minutes ago.
I am constantly learning andgrowing and changing my ideas
and opinions and preferencesabout things based on minute to
minute what happens in my life.
So there is an literallyunlimited amount of things that
(03:33):
you can learn about your partnerif you just decide to be
intentional about asking reallygood, fun questions.
So in today's episode I want tosuggest that you recommit to
daily connections, which Idescribe as 20 minutes each and
every day.
So we all get 1,440 minutes ina day.
(03:58):
Nobody gets less, nobody getsmore.
It doesn't matter how muchmoney you make, how many friends
you have, how much you canbench press Like literally
nobody gets more time or lessfor that matter.
So if you will commit tospending 20 minutes reconnecting
, usually towards the end of theday, but you definitely could
do it at the beginning of theday and I recommend walking or
(04:22):
maybe exercising together, goingfor a drive Now that the
weather is getting nicer in mostof the places where I think my
podcast is listened to.
Getting outside and going for awalk with your partner every
single day, even if it's justonce around the block, is such a
great habit to get into and Iknow my husband and I have
(04:42):
really really loved walking andtalking and sharing our ideas
with each other.
So this goes beyond just howwas your day and giving again
transactional, like here's whatI did today or here's what the
kids did today or here's whatneeds to happen, Like those
types of things are good andneed to be talked about for sure
(05:03):
.
But when I'm talking aboutthese daily connections that are
going to bind you togetheremotionally and eventually
they're going to raise the levelof all the other connections
meaning recreationally,intellectually, physically.
Meaning recreationallyintellectually, physically,
(05:24):
sexually, emotionally when youmap each other's inner worlds
well, you get excited aboutlearning more and sharing more
with your spouse.
So one of the things my husbandand I have been talking about a
lot recently is religion anddifferent ideas about religions,
different takes on religion,our experiences about religion,
whether it's in the past,growing up or recently, and how
(05:47):
we're feeling about differentthings.
We've been spending a lot oftime on our walks discussing
that because it feels big in ourlife right now.
But here are some ideas ofquestions you can ask each other
to move beyond how was your day?
So one of my favorite questionsis what are you most excited
about in life right now?
(06:07):
And this can be anything.
You can share anything fromwork things to family things to
personal development things.
And then, on the flip side, youcan ask what do you feel like
is the biggest stress in yourlife right now?
These are kind of the mostimmediate daily things that will
probably change from day to day, ways that you can map each
(06:31):
other's inner worlds.
But there's lots of questionslike who are you loving talking
to right now?
So for me, I think about peoplethat I see at the gym.
There are ladies that I see atthe gym that I absolutely love
connecting with and talking to,and I think it's cool to be able
(06:52):
to share with my partner whothose people are and maybe what
I enjoy talking with them about.
And my husband same thing atwork.
He works with like a hundredpeople and some days he loves
talking to one person andanother day he'll come home and
say, oh, I had the coolestconversation with this other
person, or I'm really enjoyingworking around this person.
(07:13):
Those things are really fun tolearn about each other.
And then also, what are youlearning from the people around
you?
Or what are you learning fromthe book you're reading or
listening to?
What are you learning frompodcasts that's interesting to
you?
I tell this story in my book BadMarriage Advice, about how I
went through this phase in mylife where I felt super grumpy
(07:35):
and like I had no friends and Ididn't have anything to share
with anyone about anything, andI was just really feeling down
and sorry for myself.
And I remember talking to myhusband about this and he gave
me the best advice and he saidmake yourself interesting by
learning about something thatinterests you that you can share
with other people.
(07:55):
So the reality is, people loveto talk about themselves.
So if you can get curious aboutwhoever you're talking to and
ask them good questions, that'sthe best way to connect with
another person.
But also if you are learningsomething that you are excited
about, sharing that with otherpeople makes you interesting to
(08:17):
talk to.
So I'm including makes youinteresting to talk to.
So I'm including friends,family, but also your spouse and
recently I have been sharing somuch with my husband about the
things I'm learning about duringthe day.
I get really excited to read achapter of whatever book I'm
reading every single day andthen I like sharing like what I
(08:39):
gleaned from it, what I learnedfrom it.
Not only is it interesting forboth of us, but also it kind of
solidifies, like I have toremember what I read, and so
sharing what we're reading aboutor learning about through
podcasts or whatever other means, is another great thing to
share with each other at the endor the beginning, whenever you
choose to connect of the day,and I'm also hoping that through
(09:02):
this episode you will reconnectto weekly date nights.
And I'm telling you, myfavorite date nights are the
ones where my husband and I justgo for a walk in our favorite
part of Boise and we just talk.
And you would think, since wetalk every single day, that we
would not have as much to talkabout on these date nights.
But always we do date nights,but always we do.
(09:29):
And one of my favorite topics istrying to dig really deep into
how my husband came up with histhoughts or the things that he
feels really strongly about, andso I love to ask questions
about his childhood or his firstexperience with something.
So let's take sex, for example,because we talked about in last
week's episode how one of themost important things that you
(09:49):
can do and this is a concept byEmily Nagoski is to go through
that garden.
Once you are an adult andyou're married is to go through
that garden and weed out all ofthe kind of false beliefs or
kind of destructive ideas thatwere planted in that garden so
that you can make somethingreally special for you and your
(10:11):
spouse to be able to enjoy.
And so I love spending time ondate night talking about how my
husband originated withdifferent ideas about sex or
money or relationships orwhatever it is.
So I'll ask like what was,what's your first memory about
anything sexual?
And then, what was the veryfirst inkling you ever had that
(10:35):
your parents had to have sex inorder to create children?
Or what did your parents dothat you want to make sure that
you pass on to our children?
Or what was hard for you andwhat would you want to do
different with our children?
These types of discussions areawesome for date nights because
(10:57):
you really get to know eachother.
You're mapping each other'sinner worlds and you're like
dreaming and planning together.
But I completely alsounderstand that if that
particular topic or there's atopic that you want to bring up,
like maybe money, like wheredid you come up with your money
stories?
Or if you're having troubletalking about those more
difficult topics, my biggestrecommendation is that you find
(11:22):
a coach or counselor that youcan talk to about these things,
because having the right toolsor skill sets to be able to have
these important conversationsis going to bless your marriage
so much, because there are waysto talk about topics like sex
and money and in-laws andholidays and all of those things
(11:43):
that for some people that it'shard to talk about those things
and so they just don't.
And then they're being veryunintentional and haphazard
about how they teach theirchildren about it, what they
model for their children aboutit, how they feel about it, and
I promise you don't want to lookback and think, man, I wish we
had spent more time talking toor teaching our kids about
(12:07):
really important topics.
So open up those types of things, but go way back, See if you
can be like a detective andfigure out how your partner came
up with different ideas aboutthese topics and what they feel
super strongly about today andthen really like weed out what's
(12:27):
not working for you, in yourrelationship or in your family
and then start following experts.
Like my husband listens to themoney guys literally all the
time, anytime he's not at workor doing something with me or
whatever, like when he'sshowering or working out, or
he's listening to the money guyspodcast, and I know a lot of
(12:49):
the history of how he grew upand how his money ideas were
formed and it's something thathe's super interested in.
And also he's planting flowersand fruits and vegetables in his
garden because he likes thatview of how to spend your money,
how to save your money, how toinvest your money all of those
things right.
So you can do that with anytopic.
(13:11):
But it's really fun to discussthose things with your spouse
and pull out the weeds together,like decide what's a weed and
what's not, and then find whohas the great seeds of what you
want to be planted in thatgarden and be intentional about
it.
And so I promise you, if youwill get better about
(13:35):
emotionally connecting throughtalking every day, through daily
connections and every weekthrough date nights, you are
going to create more emotionalintimacy in your marriage, which
seeps into all the other typesof intimacy, and so start asking
really good questions.
Now, if you need help with this,there's hundreds of places you
(13:57):
can go.
There's card decks you can buy.
There's apps you can use.
There's free downloads that Icreate for you guys all the time
.
There's games that you can getat the store that all have
interesting questions that youcan ask each other to get to
know each other better.
Now, these can also behypotheticals, Like you could
(14:19):
ask if you had a thousanddollars that were unaccounted
for, how would you spend it?
$1,000 that were unaccountedfor, how would you spend it?
I guarantee that over the years, your answer to that question
is going to change.
So even if you've had thatdiscussion like, my answer now
is going to be totally differentthan my answer five years ago
or maybe even last month.
(14:39):
So again, my summary of thisepisode and my wish for you is
that you will, if you're notalready, invite your spouse to
go for a walk every single day.
Start mapping their inner worldwith really good, insightful
questions.
Make sure you're getting datenight on the calendar and going
(15:04):
every single week and havingreally insightful and
interesting conversations onthese date nights.
I promise it will make a hugedifference and the connection,
closeness and emotional intimacyyou feel with your partner.
So thank you guys so much forlistening to this episode.
(15:26):
I will be back next week with aanother really cool topic for
us to talk about and until then,happy marriaging.
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, Monica Tanner,and I have a fun and quickie
episode for you today.
Since we talked about sexualdisconnection last week, I
wanted to talk about somethingthat you can do right now to
restart your emotionalconnection, to get your heart
(00:25):
pumping and you feeling reallyfired up about wanting to be
close to your partner.
I was doing research on coversfor my new book, so I'm super
excited.
We are in the process ofsending it to the designer to
put the front and back covertogether, and so there is a form
(00:48):
that I had to fill out where Italked about covers that I like
and covers that I don't like andelements of each, so that I
could give my designer the bestideas of what I like and dislike
and how I see the front cover.
And so I was scrolling throughAmazon looking at a bunch of
(01:08):
covers to other books that areabout marriage and relationships
, and I saw several books withthe title something to the
effect of how to improve yourmarriage without talking about
it, and I definitely sent thatas one of the ideas I didn't
like because, first of all, thetitle is terrible.
Not talking about it is ahorrible idea and I personally
(01:33):
cannot see any way to improveyour marriage without
communication and talking aboutit.
So I'm not even curious as towhat's inside that book because
I feel like it's probably allgarbage.
No disrespect to the author,I'm sure they meant well, but in
this episode my main objectiveis to get you talking to each
(01:56):
other more.
But I'm not going to give youany skills here, like of repair
or the feedback wheel ordifferent things like that.
I just want you talkinglightheartedly to each other,
getting to know each other,connecting emotionally on a
daily and weekly basis, and Iwant to give you a whole bunch
of ideas on what you can talk toabout each other.
(02:20):
That would be getting to knoweach other's inner worlds better
, Because, according to Gottman,being able to have a detailed
map of your partner's innerworld is so crucial to emotional
connection.
And one thing that happens overtime as couples are together for
a long time, is they start tofeel like they just know all the
(02:44):
things about each other or theyget bogged down in very
transactional communicationabout the kids, about the
housework, about each other'scareers, money, those types of
things, and so they stop gettingreally curious and mapping each
other's inner worlds, which arealways changing.
So one of the chapters in thebook I talk about how I hate it
(03:08):
when I hear couples say they'rejust not the same person I
married.
Of course they're not the sameperson you married.
They're not even the sameperson they were 15 minutes ago.
I am constantly learning andgrowing and changing my ideas
and opinions and preferencesabout things based on minute to
minute what happens in my life.
So there is an literallyunlimited amount of things that
(03:33):
you can learn about your partnerif you just decide to be
intentional about asking reallygood, fun questions.
So in today's episode I want tosuggest that you recommit to
daily connections, which Idescribe as 20 minutes each and
every day.
So we all get 1,440 minutes ina day.
(03:58):
Nobody gets less, nobody getsmore.
It doesn't matter how muchmoney you make, how many friends
you have, how much you canbench press Like literally
nobody gets more time or lessfor that matter.
So if you will commit tospending 20 minutes reconnecting
, usually towards the end of theday, but you definitely could
do it at the beginning of theday and I recommend walking or
(04:22):
maybe exercising together, goingfor a drive Now that the
weather is getting nicer in mostof the places where I think my
podcast is listened to.
Getting outside and going for awalk with your partner every
single day, even if it's justonce around the block, is such a
great habit to get into and Iknow my husband and I have
(04:42):
really really loved walking andtalking and sharing our ideas
with each other.
So this goes beyond just howwas your day and giving again
transactional, like here's whatI did today or here's what the
kids did today or here's whatneeds to happen, Like those
types of things are good andneed to be talked about for sure
(05:03):
.
But when I'm talking aboutthese daily connections that are
going to bind you togetheremotionally and eventually
they're going to raise the levelof all the other connections
meaning recreationally,intellectually, physically.
Meaning recreationallyintellectually, physically,
(05:24):
sexually, emotionally when youmap each other's inner worlds
well, you get excited aboutlearning more and sharing more
with your spouse.
So one of the things my husbandand I have been talking about a
lot recently is religion anddifferent ideas about religions,
different takes on religion,our experiences about religion,
whether it's in the past,growing up or recently, and how
(05:47):
we're feeling about differentthings.
We've been spending a lot oftime on our walks discussing
that because it feels big in ourlife right now.
But here are some ideas ofquestions you can ask each other
to move beyond how was your day?
So one of my favorite questionsis what are you most excited
about in life right now?
(06:07):
And this can be anything.
You can share anything fromwork things to family things to
personal development things.
And then, on the flip side, youcan ask what do you feel like
is the biggest stress in yourlife right now?
These are kind of the mostimmediate daily things that will
probably change from day to day, ways that you can map each
(06:31):
other's inner worlds.
But there's lots of questionslike who are you loving talking
to right now?
So for me, I think about peoplethat I see at the gym.
There are ladies that I see atthe gym that I absolutely love
connecting with and talking to,and I think it's cool to be able
(06:52):
to share with my partner whothose people are and maybe what
I enjoy talking with them about.
And my husband same thing atwork.
He works with like a hundredpeople and some days he loves
talking to one person andanother day he'll come home and
say, oh, I had the coolestconversation with this other
person, or I'm really enjoyingworking around this person.
(07:13):
Those things are really fun tolearn about each other.
And then also, what are youlearning from the people around
you?
Or what are you learning fromthe book you're reading or
listening to?
What are you learning frompodcasts that's interesting to
you?
I tell this story in my book BadMarriage Advice, about how I
went through this phase in mylife where I felt super grumpy
(07:35):
and like I had no friends and Ididn't have anything to share
with anyone about anything, andI was just really feeling down
and sorry for myself.
And I remember talking to myhusband about this and he gave
me the best advice and he saidmake yourself interesting by
learning about something thatinterests you that you can share
with other people.
(07:55):
So the reality is, people loveto talk about themselves.
So if you can get curious aboutwhoever you're talking to and
ask them good questions, that'sthe best way to connect with
another person.
But also if you are learningsomething that you are excited
about, sharing that with otherpeople makes you interesting to
(08:17):
talk to.
So I'm including makes youinteresting to talk to.
So I'm including friends,family, but also your spouse and
recently I have been sharing somuch with my husband about the
things I'm learning about duringthe day.
I get really excited to read achapter of whatever book I'm
reading every single day andthen I like sharing like what I
(08:39):
gleaned from it, what I learnedfrom it.
Not only is it interesting forboth of us, but also it kind of
solidifies, like I have toremember what I read, and so
sharing what we're reading aboutor learning about through
podcasts or whatever other means, is another great thing to
share with each other at the endor the beginning, whenever you
choose to connect of the day,and I'm also hoping that through
(09:02):
this episode you will reconnectto weekly date nights.
And I'm telling you, myfavorite date nights are the
ones where my husband and I justgo for a walk in our favorite
part of Boise and we just talk.
And you would think, since wetalk every single day, that we
would not have as much to talkabout on these date nights.
But always we do date nights,but always we do.
(09:29):
And one of my favorite topics istrying to dig really deep into
how my husband came up with histhoughts or the things that he
feels really strongly about, andso I love to ask questions
about his childhood or his firstexperience with something.
So let's take sex, for example,because we talked about in last
week's episode how one of themost important things that you
(09:49):
can do and this is a concept byEmily Nagoski is to go through
that garden.
Once you are an adult andyou're married is to go through
that garden and weed out all ofthe kind of false beliefs or
kind of destructive ideas thatwere planted in that garden so
that you can make somethingreally special for you and your
(10:11):
spouse to be able to enjoy.
And so I love spending time ondate night talking about how my
husband originated withdifferent ideas about sex or
money or relationships orwhatever it is.
So I'll ask like what was,what's your first memory about
anything sexual?
And then, what was the veryfirst inkling you ever had that
(10:35):
your parents had to have sex inorder to create children?
Or what did your parents dothat you want to make sure that
you pass on to our children?
Or what was hard for you andwhat would you want to do
different with our children?
These types of discussions areawesome for date nights because
(10:57):
you really get to know eachother.
You're mapping each other'sinner worlds and you're like
dreaming and planning together.
But I completely alsounderstand that if that
particular topic or there's atopic that you want to bring up,
like maybe money, like wheredid you come up with your money
stories?
Or if you're having troubletalking about those more
difficult topics, my biggestrecommendation is that you find
(11:22):
a coach or counselor that youcan talk to about these things,
because having the right toolsor skill sets to be able to have
these important conversationsis going to bless your marriage
so much, because there are waysto talk about topics like sex
and money and in-laws andholidays and all of those things
(11:43):
that for some people that it'shard to talk about those things
and so they just don't.
And then they're being veryunintentional and haphazard
about how they teach theirchildren about it, what they
model for their children aboutit, how they feel about it, and
I promise you don't want to lookback and think, man, I wish we
had spent more time talking toor teaching our kids about
(12:07):
really important topics.
So open up those types of things, but go way back, See if you
can be like a detective andfigure out how your partner came
up with different ideas aboutthese topics and what they feel
super strongly about today andthen really like weed out what's
(12:27):
not working for you, in yourrelationship or in your family
and then start following experts.
Like my husband listens to themoney guys literally all the
time, anytime he's not at workor doing something with me or
whatever, like when he'sshowering or working out, or
he's listening to the money guyspodcast, and I know a lot of
(12:49):
the history of how he grew upand how his money ideas were
formed and it's something thathe's super interested in.
And also he's planting flowersand fruits and vegetables in his
garden because he likes thatview of how to spend your money,
how to save your money, how toinvest your money all of those
things right.
So you can do that with anytopic.
(13:11):
But it's really fun to discussthose things with your spouse
and pull out the weeds together,like decide what's a weed and
what's not, and then find whohas the great seeds of what you
want to be planted in thatgarden and be intentional about
it.
And so I promise you, if youwill get better about
(13:35):
emotionally connecting throughtalking every day, through daily
connections and every weekthrough date nights, you are
going to create more emotionalintimacy in your marriage, which
seeps into all the other typesof intimacy, and so start asking
really good questions.
Now, if you need help with this,there's hundreds of places you
(13:57):
can go.
There's card decks you can buy.
There's apps you can use.
There's free downloads that Icreate for you guys all the time
.
There's games that you can getat the store that all have
interesting questions that youcan ask each other to get to
know each other better.
Now, these can also behypotheticals, Like you could
(14:19):
ask if you had a thousanddollars that were unaccounted
for, how would you spend it?
$1,000 that were unaccountedfor, how would you spend it?
I guarantee that over the years, your answer to that question
is going to change.
So even if you've had thatdiscussion like, my answer now
is going to be totally differentthan my answer five years ago
or maybe even last month.
(14:39):
So again, my summary of thisepisode and my wish for you is
that you will, if you're notalready, invite your spouse to
go for a walk every single day.
Start mapping their inner worldwith really good, insightful
questions.
Make sure you're getting datenight on the calendar and going
(15:04):
every single week and havingreally insightful and
interesting conversations onthese date nights.
I promise it will make a hugedifference and the connection,
closeness and emotional intimacyyou feel with your partner.
So thank you guys so much forlistening to this episode.
(15:26):
I will be back next week with aanother really cool topic for
us to talk about and until then,happy marriaging.
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com