August 26, 2025 • 19 mins
Marriage advice is everywhere, but much of it is outdated, misguided, or flat-out harmful to your relationship, no matter how well-intentioned it may be.
• Happy couples don't fight - FALSE: Conflict is like exercise for your relationship and helps you grow stronger
• The myth of "don't sweat the small stuff" can lead to an explosion after years of suppressing irritation
• Compromise is outdated advice that leaves both partners with less than they want
• Collaboration creates solutions that multiply the best of both positions instead of subtracting from each
• Love is a foundation but requires communication skills, conflict resolution, and intentional connection to build lasting marriage
• Your differences aren't proof you picked the wrong person - they can become your greatest strengths when you learn to navigate them together
• Believing these myths sets expectations that don't match reality, which creates resentment
To be part of my book launch team for "Bad Marriage Advice: Debunking Myths That Will Make You Miserable and What To Do Instead", releasing October 1st, email me at moni@monicatanner.com. For updates and bonuses, visit badmarriageadvice.com.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and I'm excited about today's
episode because we are T-5 weeksand counting till the launch of
bad marriage advice debunkingmyths that will make you
miserable and what to do instead, and I'm really excited to talk
(00:21):
about some of my favoritepieces of bad marriage advice in
this episode.
So, just to start, I meanmarriage advice.
Everybody has some.
In fact, I recently saw aFacebook post that said what is
one piece of advice you wouldgive a young woman getting
married?
(00:41):
And there was literallyhundreds of comments on that
post and I just thoughteverybody has marriage advice
for you, your parents, your bestfriend, that one couple at
church who looks like they neverfight, even the movies we watch
.
You can always find marriageadvice and while some of it
sounds really good, some of it'sfunny and some of it works, a
(01:04):
lot of it is flat out bad oroutdated advice.
That doesn't mean it isn'tgiven with good intentions by
well-meaning adults who love you.
It just might mean that some ofthe most common marriage rules
are the very thing that canleave you frustrated, resentful
and wondering what is wrong withus.
(01:26):
So in today's episode, I wantedto bust five myths that
actually really make couplesmiserable.
So these are quick littlephrases that you've probably
heard a thousand times and maybeeven repeated, but if you
believe them, they'll keep youstuck in your marriage, and when
I say stuck, it means you won'tbe able to grow and evolve past
(01:50):
a certain point.
If you're believing thesethings and the best part is that
if you choose to replace themwith the truth your marriage is
going to get lighter, more funand so much more connected.
So I'm basically just going totease out these five pieces of
bad marriage advice, butremember that my book with all
(02:11):
15 pieces of bad marriage adviceand the truth about them comes
out on October 1st, so getexcited, all right.
The first question I wanted toanswer is why, if it's so bad,
does all of this marriage adviceget repeated over and over and
over again for years and decadesand generations?
(02:33):
The reason why is because theysound good, they're easy to
remember, some of them are verycliche and quippy and they
usually come from people that wetrust, and I do believe that a
lot of it was at some point,good marriage advice.
But let's be honest modernmarriage is very different from
(02:54):
what?
Sometimes our parents, most ofthe time our grandparents, but
any generation before it looksso different.
And another thing is, eventhough they sound simple, this
bad marriage advice, justbecause it sounds simple, it
doesn't make it true.
Marriage is actually prettycomplicated.
It's beautiful and messy andfull of nuance.
(03:17):
So trying to apply theseblanket statements to your
relationship is almost liketrying to fix a leaky faucet
with duct tape.
It might work for a minute, buteventually your whole bathroom
is going to flood and you'regoing to be left wondering what
just happened.
So let's talk about five mythsthat I think cause a lot of
(03:40):
damage.
Number one is that happycouples don't fight.
You've heard it.
Oh, we don't fight.
As if that's the goal, that'sthe gold standard, right?
But here's the truth If younever fight, it means that
somebody is swallowing theirfeelings, someone is staying
small, someone is folding intothe other just to keep the peace
(04:02):
.
And guess what happens?
Those swallowed, pushed down,pushed aside feelings create
resentment, and resentment killsintimacy.
The truth is that happy couplesdo fight.
The difference between happycouples and unhappy couples is
that happy couples know how tofight fair, they know how to
(04:23):
communicate with the goal ofunderstanding and they know how
to repair quickly.
They don't avoid conflict, butthey use it to create more
connection, not less.
I want you to think aboutconflict in marriage like
working out at the gym.
How do you get stronger?
You get stronger by doing yourreps.
(04:43):
You're not going to getstronger by avoiding your
workouts.
Conflict is like exercise foryour relationship.
Many of us grew up in conflictavoidant households.
In fact, my husband is one ofthose many people.
I remember when I first marriedinto his family, there was this
kind of gold standard idea thathis parents never raised their
(05:07):
voice at the children or at eachother, and they were wonderful
parents and they were happilymarried.
But I'm certain they disagreedabout things and so if we had
interpreted they never raisedtheir voice to, they never
fought it would have set us upfor so much disappointment.
So, parents, my advice to youis don't shield your children
(05:29):
from your conflicts.
Let them see you disagree andlet them see you respect each
other and repair, because whenthey grow up and they get into
any type of adult relationship,and repair Because when they
grow up and they get into anytype of adult relationship, they
need to know that disagreementis just part of the deal.
But there are good ways todisagree and face conflict and
there are not so good.
(05:50):
You don't want your child to bethe one who either bulldozes to
get their way or folds intoother people because they're so
conflict avoidant, or folds intoother people because they're so
conflict avoidant.
So remember, if someone triesto tell you that happy couples
don't fight, you know that's amyth.
Number two this one soundsreally awesome.
(06:11):
Don't sweat the small stuff.
It's reasonable, right.
Pick your battles, don'tnitpick, just let things go.
But here's the problem thesmall stuff never actually stays
small.
That wet towel that your spousealways throws on the bed, the
dirty dishes in the sink thatthey never put in the dishwasher
, or that habit of being justfive minutes late it all seems
(06:33):
like small stuff that you canbrush off until one day you
explode after years and years ofbeing irritated by this small
stuff.
Here's the truth behind it.
The small stuff grows into thebig stuff.
So learn how to deal with itearly.
Do it kindly and talk about itbefore it grows into something
(06:57):
so much bigger, just like weedsin a garden If you pluck them
while they're tiny, it's not abig deal, but if you don't, it
grows into something bigger thatchokes out all of the
generosity and love and intimacyin your relationship.
So here's some insight into mymarriage.
My husband grew up, like I said, in a very conflict avoidant
(07:19):
family, and so for him, notsweating the small stuff is the
appropriate, more admirable wayto do things.
However, what it looks like inour relationship is he will
silently stew over somethingsmall that I actually have no
idea that I'm doing, until oneday, just like the steam
(07:40):
building in the pressure cooker,the switch flips and all of a
sudden he's having an extremelyoutsized response to something
that's still small and it feelsto me like it came out of left
field.
And so over the years we'velearned that sweeping things
under the rug and avoidingconflict is not the better way
(08:00):
to deal with things.
And so now, if something'sbothering either one of us,
usually we deal with itskillfully while it's small, so
it doesn't become this littlething that just eats and eats
and eats at us until one of usloses our cool.
So now, every time I hearsomebody say don't sweat the
small stuff are cool.
(08:21):
So now, every time I hearsomebody say don't sweat the
small stuff, I always ask thenwhere does the big stuff
actually come from, becausethat's not good advice.
All right, moving on to mythnumber three, this one I hear
all the time.
Whenever I ask an older couplewhat their secret to marriage is
, so many times they'll saylearn how to compromise.
And if I ask them what thatmeans, they'll even say learn
(08:44):
how to meet in the middle.
But let me ask you this If youwant pizza and I want seafood,
what does it mean to meet in themiddle?
Does that mean we go out fortacos, then neither of us got?
Then neither of us got what wewanted.
So how can meeting in themiddle actually be good advice?
Now I will say, in generationsor decades past, compromise was
(09:08):
probably a good option.
But in today's modern world,with all of the advancements in
technology and the way marriageis structured today, there is no
reason to ever compromise.
We have so many resources andso many options when it comes to
literally everything how wework, where we work, when we
(09:30):
work, how to educate ourchildren, where to live, how to
commute, what type of medicalcare we want.
There are so many options.
So meeting in the middle is nolonger good advice.
What I teach instead is thatmarriage, especially a good
marriage, is all aboutcollaboration.
(09:51):
It's not about giving up halfof what you want, but it's
creating an option that both ofyou feel good about.
And here's how you're going todo it by learning how to
communicate.
Collaboration looks like Ishare what's most important to
me and I find out what's mostimportant to you, and then
(10:11):
together we create somethingthat takes the best of my
position and the best of yourposition and puts it together
for something so much,infinitely better that neither
of us could have come up with onour own.
So, if you want to put it inmath terms, compromise is like
subtracting half from you andsubtracting half from me, and
(10:34):
now we have less than we hadbefore, where collaboration is
multiplying the best of yourposition and the best of my
position and coming up withsomething so much greater.
So the next time someone says,learn how to compromise, you can
say how about we learn how tocollaborate?
Again, I go into so much detailof this in the book.
(10:56):
Moving on to myth number four,love is all you need.
This one makes me gigglebecause it might be one of the
most sneaky and dangerous mythsof all, because it feels so
romantic.
There are literally songswritten about this idea we love
each other.
That should be enough, right?
All of those romantic comediesand love stories that we all
(11:19):
grew up on.
It's this sneaky little ideathat we love each other and
that's all we need.
But if that were true, then howis the divorce rate so high?
Because I imagine that mostmarried couples at some point
loved each other, right?
We don't usually get marriedwhen we don't love somebody, and
(11:40):
currently the divorce rate isnear 50% higher for second and
third marriages.
Are we trying to say that thosepeople didn't actually ever
love each other?
Hard to believe right Now.
Love is a good start, but it'sonly the foundation.
You need good communication,conflict resolution skills,
(12:00):
intentional connection and theability to be relational with
each other in order to build alasting marriage.
When I think about how I lovedmy husband when we first got
married, versus 23 years later,and all of the challenges that
we've overcome together, thethings we've learned,
accomplished, failed at, I canhonestly say that new love and
(12:27):
old love are very, verydifferent, and it takes a lot to
go from just love to a mature,knowing, experienced, deep,
connected and intimate type oflove.
So don't fall for that trap.
We love each other, it's allgoing to be okay, because that
(12:48):
one mostly ends in disaster.
And last but not least, thisone is also very, very prominent
and very destructive.
It's this idea that if you'renot getting along, you might
have picked the wrong person.
This one hits couplesespecially the couples that I
work with very hard, becausewhat happens is, over the course
(13:10):
of your marriage or lifetogether, you start having
friction and then suddenly thislittle voice in your head starts
saying maybe we weren't meantto be, maybe we're just not
right for each other.
But the truth is like we'vebeen talking about.
Growth brings friction andconflict, and every strong
couple that I know has hadseasons where they wondered if
(13:34):
maybe they were just toodifferent, or seasons where they
wondered about whether or notthis was right.
In fact, my mentor, terry Real,often says that the real
marriage starts when you wake upand look at your partner and
think what have I done?
But here's the thingDifferences can be strengths If
you learn how to navigate them.
(13:54):
The right person isn't the onewho's not going to challenge you
, who doesn't think differentlythan you.
It's the one who chooses togrow with you despite those
differences.
So I can tell you honestly, withevery fiber of my being, that
my husband and I are sodifferent in every single
possible way.
(14:14):
We were raised so differently.
We come from different parts ofthe country, different
religious backgrounds.
He grew up a dirt poor.
I grew up with lots of money.
As he grew up, his family gotincreasingly more wealthy, while
my family went the other way.
He went to a very conservativecollege.
Mine was very liberal.
(14:36):
We literally couldn't be moredifferent.
We're both humans from planetearth, but that's about where
our similarities end.
In fact, if you were to ask myhusband and I the same question,
I can tell you there is aextremely high percentage chance
that we're going to answer itcompletely different.
(14:57):
Now, that could be taken as abad thing.
Maybe we're not very compatible, but I have found that that is
what makes our marriage so funand passionate and intimate.
We never run out of things totalk about.
We have such different wells ofknowledge and experience and
(15:18):
perspective to draw from, andover the years we've learned to
communicate for the purpose ofunderstanding each other better,
not changing each other's mindsabout things, and that is where
the real intimacy, passion,love, desire all the good things
that we want out of marriagereally comes from when you learn
(15:41):
to communicate forunderstanding and not to change
the other person.
So there you have it.
Those are five very damaging,in my opinion, pieces of bad
marriage advice that you willhear over and over and over
again.
When you ask people what's thebest marriage advice, you have.
(16:02):
These myths sound harmless, butthey shape the way you show up
in your relationship everysingle day.
They set your expectations, andwhen reality doesn't match your
expectations, that's whenresentment starts to build.
The good news is, once you cansee it as a myth, you can
replace it with the truth, andthe truth is always more freeing
(16:25):
, more helpful and morepractical.
So let's recap.
The five myths that makecouples miserable are number one
happy couples don't fight.
Of course they do.
Conflict is just part of beinghuman.
Learn how to do it well.
Number two don't sweat thesmall stuff.
Where do you think the bigstuff comes from, right?
(16:47):
Absolutely, start dealing withthings skillfully when they're
small so they don't choke outthe love and generosity in your
marriage.
Three marriage is aboutcompromise.
No, it isn't.
It's about collaborating.
Compromise is lazy.
Collaboration is so powerful.
Number four love is all youneed.
(17:10):
Of course it's not.
Love is a great place to start,but you better make sure you
learn the skills ofcommunication, conflict
resolution, connection,commitment, all those good C
words, right?
And number five if you're notgetting along, you probably
picked the wrong person.
This one I take so personally.
Learn how to see yourdifferences as strengths.
(17:34):
Learn how to communicate aboutthem in a way that breeds
compassion, curiosity,creativity and understanding.
All right.
So if you've believed any ofthese five myths about marriage,
don't worry, you're not broken.
Your marriage is not broken.
You've just been followingbroken advice.
(17:54):
That's why I wrote Bad MarriageAdvice, debunking myths that
will make you miserable and whatto do instead, because your
marriage deserves better.
The book officially launchesinto the world October 1st and I
can't wait to get a copy inyour hands.
So if you'd like to be a part ofthis movement and you'd like to
join my book launch team, whichis going to be super fun, I'm
(18:18):
going to show you behind thescenes of this launch.
You're going to get access tosome of my super intelligent
relationship expert friends.
There's lots of bonuses,challenges and fun goodies for
you, and all you have to do isorder your book on launch day,
leave a review and talk about itwith your friends.
So if you'd like to do that,email me, monnie, at
(18:42):
monicatanercom, and let me knowyou're in for the launch team.
And if you just want to be onthe list to know when to order
your copy of Bad Marriage Advice, go to badmarriageadvicecom,
jump on that list and get someof the goodies and bonuses that
I have for you there.
And with that I want to thankyou from the bottom of my heart
for listening today, for takingthis journey with me, opening
(19:06):
your heart to the possibilitythat some of the things you've
been believing for all of thistime might be flawed.
And remember to join me sametime, same place next week.
And until then, happymarriage-ing.
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and I'm excited about today's
episode because we are T-5 weeksand counting till the launch of
bad marriage advice debunkingmyths that will make you
miserable and what to do instead, and I'm really excited to talk
(00:21):
about some of my favoritepieces of bad marriage advice in
this episode.
So, just to start, I meanmarriage advice.
Everybody has some.
In fact, I recently saw aFacebook post that said what is
one piece of advice you wouldgive a young woman getting
married?
(00:41):
And there was literallyhundreds of comments on that
post and I just thoughteverybody has marriage advice
for you, your parents, your bestfriend, that one couple at
church who looks like they neverfight, even the movies we watch
.
You can always find marriageadvice and while some of it
sounds really good, some of it'sfunny and some of it works, a
(01:04):
lot of it is flat out bad oroutdated advice.
That doesn't mean it isn'tgiven with good intentions by
well-meaning adults who love you.
It just might mean that some ofthe most common marriage rules
are the very thing that canleave you frustrated, resentful
and wondering what is wrong withus.
(01:26):
So in today's episode, I wantedto bust five myths that
actually really make couplesmiserable.
So these are quick littlephrases that you've probably
heard a thousand times and maybeeven repeated, but if you
believe them, they'll keep youstuck in your marriage, and when
I say stuck, it means you won'tbe able to grow and evolve past
(01:50):
a certain point.
If you're believing thesethings and the best part is that
if you choose to replace themwith the truth your marriage is
going to get lighter, more funand so much more connected.
So I'm basically just going totease out these five pieces of
bad marriage advice, butremember that my book with all
(02:11):
15 pieces of bad marriage adviceand the truth about them comes
out on October 1st, so getexcited, all right.
The first question I wanted toanswer is why, if it's so bad,
does all of this marriage adviceget repeated over and over and
over again for years and decadesand generations?
(02:33):
The reason why is because theysound good, they're easy to
remember, some of them are verycliche and quippy and they
usually come from people that wetrust, and I do believe that a
lot of it was at some point,good marriage advice.
But let's be honest modernmarriage is very different from
(02:54):
what?
Sometimes our parents, most ofthe time our grandparents, but
any generation before it looksso different.
And another thing is, eventhough they sound simple, this
bad marriage advice, justbecause it sounds simple, it
doesn't make it true.
Marriage is actually prettycomplicated.
It's beautiful and messy andfull of nuance.
(03:17):
So trying to apply theseblanket statements to your
relationship is almost liketrying to fix a leaky faucet
with duct tape.
It might work for a minute, buteventually your whole bathroom
is going to flood and you'regoing to be left wondering what
just happened.
So let's talk about five mythsthat I think cause a lot of
(03:40):
damage.
Number one is that happycouples don't fight.
You've heard it.
Oh, we don't fight.
As if that's the goal, that'sthe gold standard, right?
But here's the truth If younever fight, it means that
somebody is swallowing theirfeelings, someone is staying
small, someone is folding intothe other just to keep the peace
(04:02):
.
And guess what happens?
Those swallowed, pushed down,pushed aside feelings create
resentment, and resentment killsintimacy.
The truth is that happy couplesdo fight.
The difference between happycouples and unhappy couples is
that happy couples know how tofight fair, they know how to
(04:23):
communicate with the goal ofunderstanding and they know how
to repair quickly.
They don't avoid conflict, butthey use it to create more
connection, not less.
I want you to think aboutconflict in marriage like
working out at the gym.
How do you get stronger?
You get stronger by doing yourreps.
(04:43):
You're not going to getstronger by avoiding your
workouts.
Conflict is like exercise foryour relationship.
Many of us grew up in conflictavoidant households.
In fact, my husband is one ofthose many people.
I remember when I first marriedinto his family, there was this
kind of gold standard idea thathis parents never raised their
(05:07):
voice at the children or at eachother, and they were wonderful
parents and they were happilymarried.
But I'm certain they disagreedabout things and so if we had
interpreted they never raisedtheir voice to, they never
fought it would have set us upfor so much disappointment.
So, parents, my advice to youis don't shield your children
(05:29):
from your conflicts.
Let them see you disagree andlet them see you respect each
other and repair, because whenthey grow up and they get into
any type of adult relationship,and repair Because when they
grow up and they get into anytype of adult relationship, they
need to know that disagreementis just part of the deal.
But there are good ways todisagree and face conflict and
there are not so good.
(05:50):
You don't want your child to bethe one who either bulldozes to
get their way or folds intoother people because they're so
conflict avoidant, or folds intoother people because they're so
conflict avoidant.
So remember, if someone triesto tell you that happy couples
don't fight, you know that's amyth.
Number two this one soundsreally awesome.
(06:11):
Don't sweat the small stuff.
It's reasonable, right.
Pick your battles, don'tnitpick, just let things go.
But here's the problem thesmall stuff never actually stays
small.
That wet towel that your spousealways throws on the bed, the
dirty dishes in the sink thatthey never put in the dishwasher
, or that habit of being justfive minutes late it all seems
(06:33):
like small stuff that you canbrush off until one day you
explode after years and years ofbeing irritated by this small
stuff.
Here's the truth behind it.
The small stuff grows into thebig stuff.
So learn how to deal with itearly.
Do it kindly and talk about itbefore it grows into something
(06:57):
so much bigger, just like weedsin a garden If you pluck them
while they're tiny, it's not abig deal, but if you don't, it
grows into something bigger thatchokes out all of the
generosity and love and intimacyin your relationship.
So here's some insight into mymarriage.
My husband grew up, like I said, in a very conflict avoidant
(07:19):
family, and so for him, notsweating the small stuff is the
appropriate, more admirable wayto do things.
However, what it looks like inour relationship is he will
silently stew over somethingsmall that I actually have no
idea that I'm doing, until oneday, just like the steam
(07:40):
building in the pressure cooker,the switch flips and all of a
sudden he's having an extremelyoutsized response to something
that's still small and it feelsto me like it came out of left
field.
And so over the years we'velearned that sweeping things
under the rug and avoidingconflict is not the better way
(08:00):
to deal with things.
And so now, if something'sbothering either one of us,
usually we deal with itskillfully while it's small, so
it doesn't become this littlething that just eats and eats
and eats at us until one of usloses our cool.
So now, every time I hearsomebody say don't sweat the
small stuff are cool.
(08:21):
So now, every time I hearsomebody say don't sweat the
small stuff, I always ask thenwhere does the big stuff
actually come from, becausethat's not good advice.
All right, moving on to mythnumber three, this one I hear
all the time.
Whenever I ask an older couplewhat their secret to marriage is
, so many times they'll saylearn how to compromise.
And if I ask them what thatmeans, they'll even say learn
(08:44):
how to meet in the middle.
But let me ask you this If youwant pizza and I want seafood,
what does it mean to meet in themiddle?
Does that mean we go out fortacos, then neither of us got?
Then neither of us got what wewanted.
So how can meeting in themiddle actually be good advice?
Now I will say, in generationsor decades past, compromise was
(09:08):
probably a good option.
But in today's modern world,with all of the advancements in
technology and the way marriageis structured today, there is no
reason to ever compromise.
We have so many resources andso many options when it comes to
literally everything how wework, where we work, when we
(09:30):
work, how to educate ourchildren, where to live, how to
commute, what type of medicalcare we want.
There are so many options.
So meeting in the middle is nolonger good advice.
What I teach instead is thatmarriage, especially a good
marriage, is all aboutcollaboration.
(09:51):
It's not about giving up halfof what you want, but it's
creating an option that both ofyou feel good about.
And here's how you're going todo it by learning how to
communicate.
Collaboration looks like Ishare what's most important to
me and I find out what's mostimportant to you, and then
(10:11):
together we create somethingthat takes the best of my
position and the best of yourposition and puts it together
for something so much,infinitely better that neither
of us could have come up with onour own.
So, if you want to put it inmath terms, compromise is like
subtracting half from you andsubtracting half from me, and
(10:34):
now we have less than we hadbefore, where collaboration is
multiplying the best of yourposition and the best of my
position and coming up withsomething so much greater.
So the next time someone says,learn how to compromise, you can
say how about we learn how tocollaborate?
Again, I go into so much detailof this in the book.
(10:56):
Moving on to myth number four,love is all you need.
This one makes me gigglebecause it might be one of the
most sneaky and dangerous mythsof all, because it feels so
romantic.
There are literally songswritten about this idea we love
each other.
That should be enough, right?
All of those romantic comediesand love stories that we all
(11:19):
grew up on.
It's this sneaky little ideathat we love each other and
that's all we need.
But if that were true, then howis the divorce rate so high?
Because I imagine that mostmarried couples at some point
loved each other, right?
We don't usually get marriedwhen we don't love somebody, and
(11:40):
currently the divorce rate isnear 50% higher for second and
third marriages.
Are we trying to say that thosepeople didn't actually ever
love each other?
Hard to believe right Now.
Love is a good start, but it'sonly the foundation.
You need good communication,conflict resolution skills,
(12:00):
intentional connection and theability to be relational with
each other in order to build alasting marriage.
When I think about how I lovedmy husband when we first got
married, versus 23 years later,and all of the challenges that
we've overcome together, thethings we've learned,
accomplished, failed at, I canhonestly say that new love and
(12:27):
old love are very, verydifferent, and it takes a lot to
go from just love to a mature,knowing, experienced, deep,
connected and intimate type oflove.
So don't fall for that trap.
We love each other, it's allgoing to be okay, because that
(12:48):
one mostly ends in disaster.
And last but not least, thisone is also very, very prominent
and very destructive.
It's this idea that if you'renot getting along, you might
have picked the wrong person.
This one hits couplesespecially the couples that I
work with very hard, becausewhat happens is, over the course
(13:10):
of your marriage or lifetogether, you start having
friction and then suddenly thislittle voice in your head starts
saying maybe we weren't meantto be, maybe we're just not
right for each other.
But the truth is like we'vebeen talking about.
Growth brings friction andconflict, and every strong
couple that I know has hadseasons where they wondered if
(13:34):
maybe they were just toodifferent, or seasons where they
wondered about whether or notthis was right.
In fact, my mentor, terry Real,often says that the real
marriage starts when you wake upand look at your partner and
think what have I done?
But here's the thingDifferences can be strengths If
you learn how to navigate them.
(13:54):
The right person isn't the onewho's not going to challenge you
, who doesn't think differentlythan you.
It's the one who chooses togrow with you despite those
differences.
So I can tell you honestly, withevery fiber of my being, that
my husband and I are sodifferent in every single
possible way.
(14:14):
We were raised so differently.
We come from different parts ofthe country, different
religious backgrounds.
He grew up a dirt poor.
I grew up with lots of money.
As he grew up, his family gotincreasingly more wealthy, while
my family went the other way.
He went to a very conservativecollege.
Mine was very liberal.
(14:36):
We literally couldn't be moredifferent.
We're both humans from planetearth, but that's about where
our similarities end.
In fact, if you were to ask myhusband and I the same question,
I can tell you there is aextremely high percentage chance
that we're going to answer itcompletely different.
(14:57):
Now, that could be taken as abad thing.
Maybe we're not very compatible, but I have found that that is
what makes our marriage so funand passionate and intimate.
We never run out of things totalk about.
We have such different wells ofknowledge and experience and
(15:18):
perspective to draw from, andover the years we've learned to
communicate for the purpose ofunderstanding each other better,
not changing each other's mindsabout things, and that is where
the real intimacy, passion,love, desire all the good things
that we want out of marriagereally comes from when you learn
(15:41):
to communicate forunderstanding and not to change
the other person.
So there you have it.
Those are five very damaging,in my opinion, pieces of bad
marriage advice that you willhear over and over and over
again.
When you ask people what's thebest marriage advice, you have.
(16:02):
These myths sound harmless, butthey shape the way you show up
in your relationship everysingle day.
They set your expectations, andwhen reality doesn't match your
expectations, that's whenresentment starts to build.
The good news is, once you cansee it as a myth, you can
replace it with the truth, andthe truth is always more freeing
(16:25):
, more helpful and morepractical.
So let's recap.
The five myths that makecouples miserable are number one
happy couples don't fight.
Of course they do.
Conflict is just part of beinghuman.
Learn how to do it well.
Number two don't sweat thesmall stuff.
Where do you think the bigstuff comes from, right?
(16:47):
Absolutely, start dealing withthings skillfully when they're
small so they don't choke outthe love and generosity in your
marriage.
Three marriage is aboutcompromise.
No, it isn't.
It's about collaborating.
Compromise is lazy.
Collaboration is so powerful.
Number four love is all youneed.
(17:10):
Of course it's not.
Love is a great place to start,but you better make sure you
learn the skills ofcommunication, conflict
resolution, connection,commitment, all those good C
words, right?
And number five if you're notgetting along, you probably
picked the wrong person.
This one I take so personally.
Learn how to see yourdifferences as strengths.
(17:34):
Learn how to communicate aboutthem in a way that breeds
compassion, curiosity,creativity and understanding.
All right.
So if you've believed any ofthese five myths about marriage,
don't worry, you're not broken.
Your marriage is not broken.
You've just been followingbroken advice.
(17:54):
That's why I wrote Bad MarriageAdvice, debunking myths that
will make you miserable and whatto do instead, because your
marriage deserves better.
The book officially launchesinto the world October 1st and I
can't wait to get a copy inyour hands.
So if you'd like to be a part ofthis movement and you'd like to
join my book launch team, whichis going to be super fun, I'm
(18:18):
going to show you behind thescenes of this launch.
You're going to get access tosome of my super intelligent
relationship expert friends.
There's lots of bonuses,challenges and fun goodies for
you, and all you have to do isorder your book on launch day,
leave a review and talk about itwith your friends.
So if you'd like to do that,email me, monnie, at
(18:42):
monicatanercom, and let me knowyou're in for the launch team.
And if you just want to be onthe list to know when to order
your copy of Bad Marriage Advice, go to badmarriageadvicecom,
jump on that list and get someof the goodies and bonuses that
I have for you there.
And with that I want to thankyou from the bottom of my heart
for listening today, for takingthis journey with me, opening
(19:06):
your heart to the possibilitythat some of the things you've
been believing for all of thistime might be flawed.
And remember to join me sametime, same place next week.
And until then, happymarriage-ing.
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