August 19, 2025 • 18 mins
Traditional marriage advice often sounds wise but can secretly damage relationships when applied to modern marriages. In this episode, we examine five common marriage myths that might be undermining your relationship and explore healthier alternatives.
• The dangers of "never go to bed angry" and how it leads to sleep deprivation and worsened arguments
• Why "happy wife, happy life" creates an impossible burden on one spouse and ignores both partners' needs
• How "find someone who completes you" leads to unhealthy codependency instead of partnership
• The myth that happy couples don't fight, when research shows healthy couples simply repair better after a fight
• Why compromise is outdated and collaboration creates better solutions for both partners
• Bad marriage advice is anything that makes communication lazy or doesn't require vulnerability
• Plus, ten more marriage myths are explored in depth in the book
My new book "Bad Marriage Advice" launches September 30th! Email moni@monicatanner.com to join the launch team or visit www.badmarriageadvice.com for more information and bonuses.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 0 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and I am also the author of Bad
Marriage Advice.
And starting now for the nextsix weeks or so, we are getting
ready to launch this book intothe world and I couldn't be more
excited.
Just yesterday, I got my galleycopy and I don't know if you
(00:24):
are watching this on YouTube.
You can see this but if you'relistening, imagine my excitement
when I go out to the mailboxand I get a copy, a physical
copy, of my book in my hands.
I am so excited and I'mscanning the cover of it and if
you look right here, if you'rewatching on YouTube, you can see
(00:45):
this glaring typo error.
Like literally, the wordinstead has an R in the middle
of it.
I was mortified, like howembarrassing.
However, this is why you do thegalley copy.
This is why you get thisphysical copy of the book in
your hand before it's actuallypublished, so you can check it
(01:05):
all out, make sure it all looksgood.
So we've got a few changes,corrections to make, obviously,
but we've got some time.
So super, super, super exciting.
Most of the podcasts leading upto this launch on September 30th
are going to be about differentaspects of this book.
So in today's episode I thoughtI would just kind of tease out
(01:28):
several of the pieces of badmarriage advice that are
secretly ruining yourrelationship.
So if you are excited about thebook and you'd like to be kind
of behind the scenes in the booklaunch process, if you'd like
to help me get the word outbecause it's so important,
please email memonnieatmonicatanercom.
(01:50):
Let me know you want to be onthe launch team and you're going
to get all these awesomebonuses.
You're going to get to see allthe behind the scenes, you're
going to get to talk to some ofmy amazing relationship expert
friends and it's going to beawesome, I promise All right.
So let's get started with thisepisode, and I want to start
with a question.
Have you ever been given apiece of marriage advice that
(02:13):
sounded sweet at the time, butnow that you've actually been
married, lived with anotherhuman kind of, been through some
challenges together, yourealize that that piece of
advice was kind of terrible.
Well, that has been the totallike guidepost for this book.
I wanted to prep my son and hisbeautiful new bride for what
(02:37):
was going to happen, becausethey are getting married so
young, I knew that so manywell-meaning, well-intentioned
adults in their life who careabout them were going to start
giving them all of this marriageadvice and probably they were
going to go.
Oh yeah, that sounds like greatadvice.
But I didn't want them to bekind of stumped or misguided
(03:00):
about the advice.
So I, as protective mama whowants to save them some
heartache, wrote this book about15 pieces of marriage advice.
Most of this advice was givento me when I first got married
and it took me years, maybe evendecades, to sift through all of
it and recognize why it was badadvice and what is a better
(03:22):
plan.
So some examples like never goto bed angry, which sounds
notable, right, it sounds likegood advice until you're up at
three in the morning arguingabout how the toilet paper
should be put on the roll, orsomething just ridiculous.
That can be worked out maybe in10 minutes when you're both
thinking clearly in the morning,but at three o'clock it's like
(03:45):
you're just yelling andscreaming about something
totally dumb, right, okay, sothat one.
And then the classic happy wife, happy life, which I mean, sure
, but what if you're the husband?
Right?
What if you're the husbandthat's scrambling around all the
time trying to make his wifehappy?
And what if your wife is anormal human with, 50% of the
(04:06):
time, is just not super happy?
I mean, we are created to feelthe full range of emotions and
what does that say about you asa husband when your wife isn't
happy?
And that's a lot ofresponsibility for the wife to
just always be happy, right?
So I mean you're going to havelots of experiences in life and
the wife isn't always going tobe happy.
(04:27):
But if we focus on happy spouse,happy house, meaning I, as the
wife, am doing my best to ensuremy husband's happy and my
husband's doing his best toensure I'm happy, even though,
let's be honest, it's not myresponsibility to keep my
husband happy or hisresponsibility to keep me happy.
The reality is it's my job tomake myself happy and his job to
(04:48):
make himself happy.
But now that we've got thatstraight, I hope you understand
how happy wife, happy life, ishorrible advice.
But I have yet to meet verymany people who did not get that
advice on their wedding date bysome man in their life who was
trying to help.
So some of the myths mightsurprise you, some might sting a
(05:10):
little, but my promise is thatonce you hear the truth behind
them, you'll never fall for themagain.
You'll be like, oh my goodness,you're right.
That piece of advice has madeus a little bit miserable.
Every single one of the mythsthat I'm going to talk about
today, in addition to manyothers, are unpacked in my brand
new book, bad Marriage Advice.
(05:32):
Again, it's going to beofficially launched into the
world on September 30th andyou're going to want it for
yourself.
You're probably going to wantit for your best friends, for
your kids that are gettingmarried, your siblings, your
coworkers, literally anyone whocalls or texts you about
relationship drama.
They're going to need a copy ofthis book.
All right, let's talk about fora minute how this bad marriage
(05:56):
advice kind of proliferates likeit does.
So bad marriage advice soundsfamiliar because usually we've
heard it from people that wetrust, like our parents, our
mentors, hollywood, many of usright.
Most advice has like a grain oftruth to it, which makes it
harder to kind of unstick.
Also, probably all of thisadvice was useful at some time,
(06:21):
like generations past.
Marriage has changed so much inthe last few years and decades
that some of that well-meaningadvice that worked for earlier
generations, for our parents,grandparents, great-grandparents
doesn't actually work withmodern marriage as well, and
also pop culture, and Hollywoodhas trained us to romanticize
(06:45):
really bad habits.
So like.
The example I want to give hereis Jerry Maguire, the famous
scene where he says you completeme, right, and every woman just
goes swoon.
That's so sexy.
I want someone to say that andthink that about me until you
really start thinking about it.
Right, find someone whocompletes you.
(07:07):
That's like the dream, right?
You think that's the standardand it's romanticized again in
movies and fairy tales and maybeyour parents or grandparents
talk about it.
But it sets you up fordependency, not partnership.
If I think that someone is myother half, that they complete
me, that maybe we own each other, now you're going to get all
(07:31):
kinds of enmeshment,codependency, big problems in
your marriage.
That can be avoided if youunderstand that you're already
whole and you're looking for apartner to compliment you.
You're looking for a partner toshare your life with, not
someone to complete your life orfix your life in some way.
(07:53):
Right, so that's find somebodywho completes you.
That's the first chapter in mybook.
Right?
So that's find somebody whocompletes you.
That's the first chapter in mybook.
Really, really bad advice.
I remember getting the advicebig time on my wedding day.
We were standing in the lineand all the people that we love
and who were part of ourupbringing, we're walking
through the line and I remembera couple of older couples that
would come through the line andthey were like just remember,
(08:15):
don't go to bed angry with eachother.
Always pray before bed, don'tgo to bed angry.
And in my 23 years of marriageand working with tons of married
couples, the advice praytogether every night before bed
is wonderful advice.
I will never tell you thatthat's bad advice.
But not going to bed withoutsolving everything is horrible,
(08:39):
horrible advice.
So early in my marriage I lostso much sleep because I was like
these guys know what they'retalking about.
If they say don't go to bedangry and it's biblically backed
Like it says don't let the sunset in your anger in the
scriptures, they must absolutelyknow what they're talking about
.
And so when my husband wasexhausted and was like I have to
(09:01):
get some sleep now, we're notgoing to work this out right now
because I have to go to bed, Iwould unravel, I would come
unglued, I would sob loudly, Iwould jostle him awake, I would
move around in the bed, act likehe was completely just
disregarding me.
I was obnoxious and guess what,when we were arguing about
(09:23):
something at three in themorning that could have easily
been solved with a little bit ofa break and fresh eyes in the
morning, it got out of hand andit was making us both very
miserable.
It wasn't until I stopped Well,very miserable.
It wasn't until I stopped.
Well, actually, it took meprobably a year of journaling my
feelings till I realized thatmy abandonment issues, that I
(09:44):
would spiral, that I felt likehe was just leaving me somehow
on unread that's kind of themodern term of it Right, and it
was painful for me.
But he didn't really understandthat because he didn't have the
experiences that I had growingup.
So when I finally could likemuster up the ability to
communicate with him what itfelt like to me inside, when he
(10:06):
could turn over and go to sleep,not only that it was my
abandonment issues, but also Iwas like we're not listening to
the wisdom of our elders, right?
But once we both couldunderstand the experience that I
had, there was a simple fix andthis is what it was.
He would say Monica, I love you.
I'm not going anywhere, butright now I'm too tired to think
(10:29):
about this clearly.
So let's get some sleep andtalk about it in the morning and
guess what happened?
Way healthier communication.
Most of the time we didn't havea lot to talk about in the
morning because it was just thatwe were tired and grumpy and
taking it out on each other.
But when we did have somethingto talk about in the morning, we
could talk about it so muchmore productively because we had
(10:51):
fresh eyes, we had rested, we'dtaken a breather and gotten
some perspective and it was somuch easier.
So that don't go to bed.
Angry advice that sounds soright was actually very bad for
our relationship and I haven'tmet a couple in my practice who
actually agrees with that.
(11:12):
I do hear that advice stillgiven, but in practice it's not
good advice.
So let's think about a coupleother ones.
Happy couples don't fight.
So when couples come into myoffice and they say that they
don't fight, I actually worrymore about those couples because
I'm wondering why don't youfight?
Is it because one or both ofyou is completely withdrawn and
(11:35):
you don't care about therelationship?
Is it because one or both ofyou are playing small and not
talking about the things thatare important to you, that
you're sweeping things under therug, that you're doing
everything you can to keep thepeace, that you're afraid to
stand up to your partner.
What is it?
Why aren't you fighting?
Because when two individualsget married and if you want to
think about this in thereligious sense God create us
(11:57):
all so differently.
No two of us are the same, soof course we're going to have
different experiences, opinions,preferences on things.
So there's always going to beconflict in any healthy marriage
.
It's not whether there isconflict, it's how do we handle
the conflict.
Do we have the skillset tofight?
Well, that's what I can helpcouples do.
(12:19):
If they're not fighting, Iwonder why they're not fighting.
So John and Julie Gottman havedone a ton of research on happy,
healthy couples and what theyfound is that healthy couples
have just as many conflicts asunhappy couples.
They just know how to repair,they know how to communicate and
they prioritize therelationship, meaning they work
(12:40):
as a team against the conflictversus working against each
other.
So those are the majordifferences between the couples
that are happy and the couplesthat are unhappy.
It's not how much conflict,it's how do they handle the
conflict.
So the truth is here's the realtruth behind it Fighting fair
builds connection, so the moreis here's the real truth behind
it fighting fair buildsconnection.
So the more conflict that wehave and the better we handle it
(13:03):
, the more connection we'regoing to create out of that
conflict.
So fighting is actually apretty good thing, right?
And then, if you've heard metalk on any other podcasts, I'm
very passionately opposed tothis idea that marriage is all
about compromise.
Again, probably at some pointin history, this idea of
(13:25):
compromising in marriage wasreally good advice, but it's
very outdated.
There's no reason to compromiseanymore.
We have so many resources, wehave so many options, there's so
many ways of doing things inour modern world that compromise
is a very outdated idea.
It breeds lazy communication.
(13:45):
If you want to compromise, thatmeans I give up some, you give
up some, sometimes a lot.
We meet in the middle.
Nobody actually gets what theywant.
It engenders a lot ofscorekeeping and resentment and
it makes me feel like I'm givinga lot and getting less in
return.
That's what compromise does.
Now, collaboration, which iswhat I teach in the book, is all
(14:08):
about getting very curious,getting vulnerable,
communicating with your partnercooperating and then coming up
with collaboration somethingthat neither of the two of you
could have come up with on yourown.
Meaning, you take thosedifferences of opinion, you take
those different experiences,you widen your perspective, you
(14:30):
put all the information outthere and then you do some
research to figure out how canwe get the best of what you feel
strongly about, the best ofwhat I feel strongly about, and
create a plan for the two of usthat takes into consideration
all of the things that we bothreally care about.
(14:51):
That's collaboration, notcompromise.
All right, so those are five ofthe myths.
There are 15 in the book and Iwant you to understand that
every myth you believe shapesyour behavior, the way you show
up in the marriage, right?
So over time, these smallthings, that kind of guide your
behavior.
(15:11):
They either build intimacy orthey build walls.
The danger is not realizing whyyour connection feels shallow,
why your marriage feels off, whyyou're feeling so resentful
towards your partner, why youranger is coming out sideways.
Instead of just being able tocommunicate the things that are
(15:32):
important to you, you'repassively, aggressively fighting
against the connection in yourpartner, right, because you're
following this advice thateverybody gives.
That turns out isn't that greatof advice.
So my personal encouragementfor you, that is, if you have
been operating on bad marriageadvice and I'm going to give you
(15:55):
a hint here bad marriage adviceis anything that makes your
communication lazy.
If you don't have to talk aboutit, if you don't have to get
curious, if you don't have to bevulnerable, if you don't have
to have good communicationskills in your marriage, that's
probably bad advice.
Vulnerable, if you don't haveto have good communication
skills in your marriage, that'sprobably bad advice.
Now, if it stretches you, if youhave to get uncomfortable, if
you have to talk about thingsthat are important to you, if
(16:17):
you have to really think aboutwhat's going on with me and how
do I express that to my partnerin a way that's productive, that
they can understand more aboutwho I am and I can understand
more about who they are, that'sprobably good advice.
But if you've been operating onbad marriage advice, it's not
your fault, it's okay.
You came by it honestly.
(16:38):
It was modeled by your parents,by your mentors, by Hollywood.
You were just doing what youthought was right.
But there is a better way andyou can change the narrative,
starting right now.
So the five myths or badmarriage advice that I talked
about today are just thebeginning.
There's 10 more in the book andhonestly, they're just as
(17:01):
common and just as sneaky as theones I just talked about.
So if this episode made youthink, laugh, maybe squirm a
little like think, like Hmm,that we do do that, like I do
think that way about that, youcan replace all of that bad
marriage advice with skills thatactually work.
That is what my new book, badmarriage advice, is all about,
(17:25):
and it's coming out September30th.
I couldn't be more excited.
You can't purchase it untilSeptember 30th, but if you want
to be part of my launch team, ifyou want to see behind the
scenes, if you want some reallygreat bonuses, please email me,
monnie at monicatanercom.
If you just want to be on thelist to get all of the
(17:46):
information about the launch andabout how you can get your copy
of the book, make sure you goto badmarriageadvicecom, get on
that list, get the bonuses thatthere are there, and if you know
anybody that could benefit fromgetting better marriage advice
than all the little cliches thatyou hear all the time out there
(18:07):
, please forward them thisepisode, send them a link to
badmarriageadvicecom.
I guarantee they will thank youfor it.
So thank you so much forspending this time with me.
Thank you so much for gettingexcited about the book.
It's been a long time comingand I cannot wait to get a copy
(18:27):
into your hands, a copy thatdoesn't have a huge typo on the
front cover.
So I'll be here, same time,same place, next week, talking
about more bad marriage advice,and until then, happy
marriage-ing.
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and I am also the author of Bad
Marriage Advice.
And starting now for the nextsix weeks or so, we are getting
ready to launch this book intothe world and I couldn't be more
excited.
Just yesterday, I got my galleycopy and I don't know if you
(00:24):
are watching this on YouTube.
You can see this but if you'relistening, imagine my excitement
when I go out to the mailboxand I get a copy, a physical
copy, of my book in my hands.
I am so excited and I'mscanning the cover of it and if
you look right here, if you'rewatching on YouTube, you can see
(00:45):
this glaring typo error.
Like literally, the wordinstead has an R in the middle
of it.
I was mortified, like howembarrassing.
However, this is why you do thegalley copy.
This is why you get thisphysical copy of the book in
your hand before it's actuallypublished, so you can check it
(01:05):
all out, make sure it all looksgood.
So we've got a few changes,corrections to make, obviously,
but we've got some time.
So super, super, super exciting.
Most of the podcasts leading upto this launch on September 30th
are going to be about differentaspects of this book.
So in today's episode I thoughtI would just kind of tease out
(01:28):
several of the pieces of badmarriage advice that are
secretly ruining yourrelationship.
So if you are excited about thebook and you'd like to be kind
of behind the scenes in the booklaunch process, if you'd like
to help me get the word outbecause it's so important,
please email memonnieatmonicatanercom.
(01:50):
Let me know you want to be onthe launch team and you're going
to get all these awesomebonuses.
You're going to get to see allthe behind the scenes, you're
going to get to talk to some ofmy amazing relationship expert
friends and it's going to beawesome, I promise All right.
So let's get started with thisepisode, and I want to start
with a question.
Have you ever been given apiece of marriage advice that
(02:13):
sounded sweet at the time, butnow that you've actually been
married, lived with anotherhuman kind of, been through some
challenges together, yourealize that that piece of
advice was kind of terrible.
Well, that has been the totallike guidepost for this book.
I wanted to prep my son and hisbeautiful new bride for what
(02:37):
was going to happen, becausethey are getting married so
young, I knew that so manywell-meaning, well-intentioned
adults in their life who careabout them were going to start
giving them all of this marriageadvice and probably they were
going to go.
Oh yeah, that sounds like greatadvice.
But I didn't want them to bekind of stumped or misguided
(03:00):
about the advice.
So I, as protective mama whowants to save them some
heartache, wrote this book about15 pieces of marriage advice.
Most of this advice was givento me when I first got married
and it took me years, maybe evendecades, to sift through all of
it and recognize why it was badadvice and what is a better
(03:22):
plan.
So some examples like never goto bed angry, which sounds
notable, right, it sounds likegood advice until you're up at
three in the morning arguingabout how the toilet paper
should be put on the roll, orsomething just ridiculous.
That can be worked out maybe in10 minutes when you're both
thinking clearly in the morning,but at three o'clock it's like
(03:45):
you're just yelling andscreaming about something
totally dumb, right, okay, sothat one.
And then the classic happy wife, happy life, which I mean, sure
, but what if you're the husband?
Right?
What if you're the husbandthat's scrambling around all the
time trying to make his wifehappy?
And what if your wife is anormal human with, 50% of the
(04:06):
time, is just not super happy?
I mean, we are created to feelthe full range of emotions and
what does that say about you asa husband when your wife isn't
happy?
And that's a lot ofresponsibility for the wife to
just always be happy, right?
So I mean you're going to havelots of experiences in life and
the wife isn't always going tobe happy.
(04:27):
But if we focus on happy spouse,happy house, meaning I, as the
wife, am doing my best to ensuremy husband's happy and my
husband's doing his best toensure I'm happy, even though,
let's be honest, it's not myresponsibility to keep my
husband happy or hisresponsibility to keep me happy.
The reality is it's my job tomake myself happy and his job to
(04:48):
make himself happy.
But now that we've got thatstraight, I hope you understand
how happy wife, happy life, ishorrible advice.
But I have yet to meet verymany people who did not get that
advice on their wedding date bysome man in their life who was
trying to help.
So some of the myths mightsurprise you, some might sting a
(05:10):
little, but my promise is thatonce you hear the truth behind
them, you'll never fall for themagain.
You'll be like, oh my goodness,you're right.
That piece of advice has madeus a little bit miserable.
Every single one of the mythsthat I'm going to talk about
today, in addition to manyothers, are unpacked in my brand
new book, bad Marriage Advice.
(05:32):
Again, it's going to beofficially launched into the
world on September 30th andyou're going to want it for
yourself.
You're probably going to wantit for your best friends, for
your kids that are gettingmarried, your siblings, your
coworkers, literally anyone whocalls or texts you about
relationship drama.
They're going to need a copy ofthis book.
All right, let's talk about fora minute how this bad marriage
(05:56):
advice kind of proliferates likeit does.
So bad marriage advice soundsfamiliar because usually we've
heard it from people that wetrust, like our parents, our
mentors, hollywood, many of usright.
Most advice has like a grain oftruth to it, which makes it
harder to kind of unstick.
Also, probably all of thisadvice was useful at some time,
(06:21):
like generations past.
Marriage has changed so much inthe last few years and decades
that some of that well-meaningadvice that worked for earlier
generations, for our parents,grandparents, great-grandparents
doesn't actually work withmodern marriage as well, and
also pop culture, and Hollywoodhas trained us to romanticize
(06:45):
really bad habits.
So like.
The example I want to give hereis Jerry Maguire, the famous
scene where he says you completeme, right, and every woman just
goes swoon.
That's so sexy.
I want someone to say that andthink that about me until you
really start thinking about it.
Right, find someone whocompletes you.
(07:07):
That's like the dream, right?
You think that's the standardand it's romanticized again in
movies and fairy tales and maybeyour parents or grandparents
talk about it.
But it sets you up fordependency, not partnership.
If I think that someone is myother half, that they complete
me, that maybe we own each other, now you're going to get all
(07:31):
kinds of enmeshment,codependency, big problems in
your marriage.
That can be avoided if youunderstand that you're already
whole and you're looking for apartner to compliment you.
You're looking for a partner toshare your life with, not
someone to complete your life orfix your life in some way.
(07:53):
Right, so that's find somebodywho completes you.
That's the first chapter in mybook.
Right?
So that's find somebody whocompletes you.
That's the first chapter in mybook.
Really, really bad advice.
I remember getting the advicebig time on my wedding day.
We were standing in the lineand all the people that we love
and who were part of ourupbringing, we're walking
through the line and I remembera couple of older couples that
would come through the line andthey were like just remember,
(08:15):
don't go to bed angry with eachother.
Always pray before bed, don'tgo to bed angry.
And in my 23 years of marriageand working with tons of married
couples, the advice praytogether every night before bed
is wonderful advice.
I will never tell you thatthat's bad advice.
But not going to bed withoutsolving everything is horrible,
(08:39):
horrible advice.
So early in my marriage I lostso much sleep because I was like
these guys know what they'retalking about.
If they say don't go to bedangry and it's biblically backed
Like it says don't let the sunset in your anger in the
scriptures, they must absolutelyknow what they're talking about
.
And so when my husband wasexhausted and was like I have to
(09:01):
get some sleep now, we're notgoing to work this out right now
because I have to go to bed, Iwould unravel, I would come
unglued, I would sob loudly, Iwould jostle him awake, I would
move around in the bed, act likehe was completely just
disregarding me.
I was obnoxious and guess what,when we were arguing about
(09:23):
something at three in themorning that could have easily
been solved with a little bit ofa break and fresh eyes in the
morning, it got out of hand andit was making us both very
miserable.
It wasn't until I stopped Well,very miserable.
It wasn't until I stopped.
Well, actually, it took meprobably a year of journaling my
feelings till I realized thatmy abandonment issues, that I
(09:44):
would spiral, that I felt likehe was just leaving me somehow
on unread that's kind of themodern term of it Right, and it
was painful for me.
But he didn't really understandthat because he didn't have the
experiences that I had growingup.
So when I finally could likemuster up the ability to
communicate with him what itfelt like to me inside, when he
(10:06):
could turn over and go to sleep,not only that it was my
abandonment issues, but also Iwas like we're not listening to
the wisdom of our elders, right?
But once we both couldunderstand the experience that I
had, there was a simple fix andthis is what it was.
He would say Monica, I love you.
I'm not going anywhere, butright now I'm too tired to think
(10:29):
about this clearly.
So let's get some sleep andtalk about it in the morning and
guess what happened?
Way healthier communication.
Most of the time we didn't havea lot to talk about in the
morning because it was just thatwe were tired and grumpy and
taking it out on each other.
But when we did have somethingto talk about in the morning, we
could talk about it so muchmore productively because we had
(10:51):
fresh eyes, we had rested, we'dtaken a breather and gotten
some perspective and it was somuch easier.
So that don't go to bed.
Angry advice that sounds soright was actually very bad for
our relationship and I haven'tmet a couple in my practice who
actually agrees with that.
(11:12):
I do hear that advice stillgiven, but in practice it's not
good advice.
So let's think about a coupleother ones.
Happy couples don't fight.
So when couples come into myoffice and they say that they
don't fight, I actually worrymore about those couples because
I'm wondering why don't youfight?
Is it because one or both ofyou is completely withdrawn and
(11:35):
you don't care about therelationship?
Is it because one or both ofyou are playing small and not
talking about the things thatare important to you, that
you're sweeping things under therug, that you're doing
everything you can to keep thepeace, that you're afraid to
stand up to your partner.
What is it?
Why aren't you fighting?
Because when two individualsget married and if you want to
think about this in thereligious sense God create us
(11:57):
all so differently.
No two of us are the same, soof course we're going to have
different experiences, opinions,preferences on things.
So there's always going to beconflict in any healthy marriage
.
It's not whether there isconflict, it's how do we handle
the conflict.
Do we have the skillset tofight?
Well, that's what I can helpcouples do.
(12:19):
If they're not fighting, Iwonder why they're not fighting.
So John and Julie Gottman havedone a ton of research on happy,
healthy couples and what theyfound is that healthy couples
have just as many conflicts asunhappy couples.
They just know how to repair,they know how to communicate and
they prioritize therelationship, meaning they work
(12:40):
as a team against the conflictversus working against each
other.
So those are the majordifferences between the couples
that are happy and the couplesthat are unhappy.
It's not how much conflict,it's how do they handle the
conflict.
So the truth is here's the realtruth behind it Fighting fair
builds connection, so the moreis here's the real truth behind
it fighting fair buildsconnection.
So the more conflict that wehave and the better we handle it
(13:03):
, the more connection we'regoing to create out of that
conflict.
So fighting is actually apretty good thing, right?
And then, if you've heard metalk on any other podcasts, I'm
very passionately opposed tothis idea that marriage is all
about compromise.
Again, probably at some pointin history, this idea of
(13:25):
compromising in marriage wasreally good advice, but it's
very outdated.
There's no reason to compromiseanymore.
We have so many resources, wehave so many options, there's so
many ways of doing things inour modern world that compromise
is a very outdated idea.
It breeds lazy communication.
(13:45):
If you want to compromise, thatmeans I give up some, you give
up some, sometimes a lot.
We meet in the middle.
Nobody actually gets what theywant.
It engenders a lot ofscorekeeping and resentment and
it makes me feel like I'm givinga lot and getting less in
return.
That's what compromise does.
Now, collaboration, which iswhat I teach in the book, is all
(14:08):
about getting very curious,getting vulnerable,
communicating with your partnercooperating and then coming up
with collaboration somethingthat neither of the two of you
could have come up with on yourown.
Meaning, you take thosedifferences of opinion, you take
those different experiences,you widen your perspective, you
(14:30):
put all the information outthere and then you do some
research to figure out how canwe get the best of what you feel
strongly about, the best ofwhat I feel strongly about, and
create a plan for the two of usthat takes into consideration
all of the things that we bothreally care about.
(14:51):
That's collaboration, notcompromise.
All right, so those are five ofthe myths.
There are 15 in the book and Iwant you to understand that
every myth you believe shapesyour behavior, the way you show
up in the marriage, right?
So over time, these smallthings, that kind of guide your
behavior.
(15:11):
They either build intimacy orthey build walls.
The danger is not realizing whyyour connection feels shallow,
why your marriage feels off, whyyou're feeling so resentful
towards your partner, why youranger is coming out sideways.
Instead of just being able tocommunicate the things that are
(15:32):
important to you, you'repassively, aggressively fighting
against the connection in yourpartner, right, because you're
following this advice thateverybody gives.
That turns out isn't that greatof advice.
So my personal encouragementfor you, that is, if you have
been operating on bad marriageadvice and I'm going to give you
(15:55):
a hint here bad marriage adviceis anything that makes your
communication lazy.
If you don't have to talk aboutit, if you don't have to get
curious, if you don't have to bevulnerable, if you don't have
to have good communicationskills in your marriage, that's
probably bad advice.
Vulnerable, if you don't haveto have good communication
skills in your marriage, that'sprobably bad advice.
Now, if it stretches you, if youhave to get uncomfortable, if
you have to talk about thingsthat are important to you, if
(16:17):
you have to really think aboutwhat's going on with me and how
do I express that to my partnerin a way that's productive, that
they can understand more aboutwho I am and I can understand
more about who they are, that'sprobably good advice.
But if you've been operating onbad marriage advice, it's not
your fault, it's okay.
You came by it honestly.
(16:38):
It was modeled by your parents,by your mentors, by Hollywood.
You were just doing what youthought was right.
But there is a better way andyou can change the narrative,
starting right now.
So the five myths or badmarriage advice that I talked
about today are just thebeginning.
There's 10 more in the book andhonestly, they're just as
(17:01):
common and just as sneaky as theones I just talked about.
So if this episode made youthink, laugh, maybe squirm a
little like think, like Hmm,that we do do that, like I do
think that way about that, youcan replace all of that bad
marriage advice with skills thatactually work.
That is what my new book, badmarriage advice, is all about,
(17:25):
and it's coming out September30th.
I couldn't be more excited.
You can't purchase it untilSeptember 30th, but if you want
to be part of my launch team, ifyou want to see behind the
scenes, if you want some reallygreat bonuses, please email me,
monnie at monicatanercom.
If you just want to be on thelist to get all of the
(17:46):
information about the launch andabout how you can get your copy
of the book, make sure you goto badmarriageadvicecom, get on
that list, get the bonuses thatthere are there, and if you know
anybody that could benefit fromgetting better marriage advice
than all the little cliches thatyou hear all the time out there
(18:07):
, please forward them thisepisode, send them a link to
badmarriageadvicecom.
I guarantee they will thank youfor it.
So thank you so much forspending this time with me.
Thank you so much for gettingexcited about the book.
It's been a long time comingand I cannot wait to get a copy
(18:27):
into your hands, a copy thatdoesn't have a huge typo on the
front cover.
So I'll be here, same time,same place, next week, talking
about more bad marriage advice,and until then, happy
marriage-ing.
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