January 22, 2025 • 36 mins
Join Rob and Robin as they dive deep into the heart of what it truly means to be married. In this episode, they explore the idealized images of marriage and the contrast with real-life love. Discover how love transcends mere emotions and those fleeting tingles, as they discuss moving beyond the initial fireworks and romance. Together, they unpack the expectations society places on marriage and share insights on nurturing a deeper, more meaningful connection over time. Tune in for an authentic conversation that celebrates the beauty of embracing a real marriage!
Music by - Roger Jaeger - from the album (Fall Off the Earth)
Produced by - Jared Nester
Outro by - Madison Nester
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hi, I'm Rob and I'm Robin.
Thanks for listening toMarriage and Us.
Each week we will talk aboutreal-life topics that couples
experience in everyday marriedlife.
So let's get to today's episode.
Welcome back in everybody.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Hey guys.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
How's everybody doing ?
Speaker 2 (00:28):
I know we always ask that, but Well, hopefully they
answer in their mind.
Okay.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
When they're listening to us.
If you, if this you know, wetalked about this so many times.
If this is your first timetuning in to us my name is Rob.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
And I'm Robin.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Yeah, so thanks for joining us.
We love talking about marriage,we love being married, but
helping people that are marriedor want to get married, so yeah,
so that's why we do what we do.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Do not know where you're at when you're listening
to this podcast, but it is verycold across the country right
now.
Very cold, yes, Some placescolder than others.
Minus degrees.
I mean, like this morning itwas like eight here in Lewisburg
.
That's the first time I thinkI've said that.
So, we have moved outside ofNashville.
Some of you know that we havebought a farm, living that farm
life as we say now.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
There are no animals here, though.
No no animals, no, it's just.
It's property that at one pointwas a farm.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
We have a few Byzantine animals at times.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Wild animals.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Well, we've had a few cows from our neighbors, true,
that have showed up.
A rooster We've had a rooster.
You've had a lengthyconversation with that.
Well, I need to post that sopeople can see that.
But we have deer, lots of deer.
We have a hawk who we've namedHammond.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Yes, which means high protector.
It does exactly, and he'sprotecting us from the field
mice that I don't want to havein my house.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Yes, exactly.
So yes, when I bush hoggedrecently when we first moved,
that sounds so cool to say thatwhen I bush hogged, that's a man
thing.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
I guess For those people who don't know what that
means.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Have a tractor, which sounds super cool.
Again, I'm just very cool,evidently have a tractor and
bush hog is actually a brand,but anyway, it's what you do
when you mow down hay or tallgrass.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
So that's made me pretty much the envy of every
man at our church.
Can you verify and testify tothat?
Speaker 2 (02:35):
I would say yes.
A lot of our friends,definitely the men that we know
that we are friends with, allmentioned that they would like
to come out here and drive thetractor, so we maybe we'll sell
tickets.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
I don't know.
Yeah, something, I like that.
I like it.
Today we are actually.
We listened to a excerpt.
Did I say that right?
Yes, I believe so.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Thank you Just want to make sure, did I say that?
Speaker 1 (03:02):
right?
Yes, I believe so, thank you.
Just want to make sure Agentleman on, we listen to all
kinds of different podcasts andyou know things on YouTube and
his name was are you going tosay it for me?
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Yeah, his name is I think it's pronounced Strahan
Coleman.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
Yes, exactly.
So I just want to give him alittle credit.
And he was talking about he wasrelating marriage and how you
go into marriage, and then, ofcourse, he goes on to talk about
how we relate that to God aswell too.
But today's episode we aretimely embracing a real marriage
.
What does that look like?
(03:40):
What does it look like when youif you're about to get married
or you've just gotten married,and what if you've been married
for a while?
What does that look like?
What does it look like when youif you're about to get married
or you've just gotten married,and what if you've been married
for a while?
What does that look like?
Now, that's kind of the whenyou say, that's the kind of the
premise of yes, of what hebrought.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
What he brought up, uh, that we heard in
conversation.
Well, not in conversation,we're not actually talking to
him.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
No, we're just watching him.
Yeah, it feels that way becausehe was very personal.
It really struck home.
I guess is why it feels like aconversation.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
So the question he proposed is do you marry the
idea of the person in front ofyou on your wedding day more
than the person that's standingin front of you on your wedding
day?
Right Images or an idea of whatyou think they are and what they
(04:34):
actually are and what theydevelop over time who they
develop into being yes, and so Ithought that was such a great
question, because you know we'veall been there.
If you're married, yes, you're.
You know you remember yourwedding day standing there
looking at your spouse and youlook beautiful, by the way.
(04:56):
Thank you.
And the idea of who you thinkthey are and what your marriage
will look like, and then, astime moves forward, who you
think they are and what yourmarriage will look like, and
then as time moves forward, well, why do you think that I don't
want to move off of that asquick?
Speaker 1 (05:13):
So why do you think that, going back to that,
thinking about your marriage day, and then you've met that
person?
Because he brought up thereason I want to interject this,
because he was talking aboutlove, because love is such a
huge emotion.
The emotional side of love rightEmotional side of love, of what
that is, because most of thetime, would you agree that we
(05:36):
associate love with a feelingSure, I feel loved.
I mean most people don't say Ithink I'm in love.
I mean I guess you could saythat, but it really comes down
to how it makes your heart feeland understand.
Because that's where thatstatement comes from, because
love truly is blind, becausewe're so enamored with this
(05:57):
person in the beginning of this,what we're talking about today,
this image or idea of what wethink they are and what our
marriage and what love is goingto look like.
So I just wanted to throw thatin your train of thought as you
keep going.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Yes.
So yes, it's all about who wethink the person is and it is
definitely based from what I'mhearing you say just now.
It's based a lot of it's basedon how that person makes you
know us, made us feel how likein our case you and I, how you
made me feel right is how Iassociated my love for you right
(06:34):
um and I think you've usedwords like safe.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
You've described that's how I made you feel safe
and heard.
Those are words that I've heardyou say before countless times,
which means a lot to me,obviously.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Sure, and just the whole romantic notion of love, I
think, is something that we allexperience for the most part,
you know, and especially aswomen, you know there are not
many little girls that aren'tplanning their wedding day or
thinking about that.
You know from early childhood,yeah, so it's all.
(07:11):
It's kind of engrafted in thatto our expectations of the
wedding day.
Right, that's a big wordexpectation.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
We've talked about that a lot, so move forward with
that thought.
Like wedding day, there'sexpectations.
Yes, we've touched on that manytimes.
But like now, you're married.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Right, right and I think that.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
What is that expectation?
Speaker 2 (07:37):
Exactly, the emotions are still there, but then, I
think, you're also faced withthe idea of the person you
married, and now you're reallyexperiencing the fullness of who
that person is, because you'reliving under the same roof.
Yeah, and there is reality,definitely.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Yeah, they have bad breath when you wake up in the
morning.
What?
That's not the way it is on themovies.
What do you mean?
They don't wear makeup to bed.
You know these new things?
Well, some women do.
Maybe they do it probablymesses up the pillowcases, right
, I'm all right, ladies, yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
So when you think, as time moves on from that wedding
day now to married life, Ithink you realize that the
person you've married isprobably way more complex and
complicated and they're notgoing away.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
I mean, but that's the truth.
I mean and I understand.
I mean whatever your journeywas to get to where you are, and
you know, being married, Iunderstand those are different
things.
People have differentcircumstances, so there's no
judgment here with that, but fora lot of us it's new.
This is like I'm waking up withthis person every day.
And even I'll say this andwe've talked to a lot of couples
(08:54):
about this because we've alwaystried to be transparent there
is a difference between thatmoment where you're living
together if that's where yourjourney has been to when you say
, I do.
Now you're married, there's achange in your emotions, your
psychology, how your brainfunctions.
It's just.
These are all proven facts.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Right.
I mean we've met with a lot ofcouples that aren't living
together before they're married.
But we have sat in council.
You know some people that and Ithink that they think that
makes you know if they walk intomarried life makes it a little
more bulletproof because they'velived together and they know.
But yes, you're absolutelyright.
It's so fascinating how thateven those people come back and
(09:33):
go, wow, it's different, yeah,so, so, yeah, that's so true,
but you know, I think that onceyou get past that, you know
again.
It's that old saying of thehoneymoon phase.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
The fireworks, the tingles, the romance of being
with somebody being pursued,Sure yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
You know, and now it's like daily married life is
kicked in and yeah, and nowyou're at this place, you know
where that initial love thatdrew you together, that you know
was there and that's why youwanted to marry each other.
I think what we heard Strahantalking about, he was talking
(10:14):
about a second love that cancome into play.
Speaker 4 (10:19):
That's developed over it is developed.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
Yes Over time, Because you choose it and that
second love basically is okay,I've married you, but now I know
more about you.
I see how complex you are as anindividual.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
And now, that's a big word, complex.
Yeah, now I have the choice doyou think it may ask you, think
you would have thought aboutthat word in your heart and your
mind, your thoughts like whenwe were getting married, like to
say this is going to be verycomplex because no yeah yeah, no
(10:56):
, not at all.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
I mean it's we had a very wild courtship because we
really barely dated and we gotmarried.
Sure, we're very strange, mostof our relationship was more
based on phone calls than it wasto actually see each other face
to face.
I'm not recommending this atall.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
We are a living miracle.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Yeah, we really beat the odds.
But you know, we have met withso many couples now over the
years.
Um, you know, you really.
You really see over and overagain, though, this pattern of
what, uh, each person thinksmarried life is going to be life
like, or, or who, or they thinkthey really know each other and
(11:38):
then we start, you know, askingquestions and find that we
don't.
But going back to my, mythought while ago is that second
love is a deeper love that saysI, I see how complex you are
right how complicated of anindividual you are, and now I'm
going to choose to really loveyou and accept you.
(12:02):
Right, and that second love issuch a deep, it is a deeper love
.
Right you know, and I thinkthat's so amazing.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Well, you said this to me before we got on recording
today, because we obviously wewere talking about today's
episode and we were trying tolook back and think about
ourselves when we were, you know, in our late 20s, right, and
for me it was like whoa, I thinkit hit me.
(12:36):
That's why I had such a when wewere talking about this episode
.
I had such a I know this wordgets used a lot, but it's just
the fact of what it is A triggerof like, oh wow, I wish and I
know we hear this all the timeIf you could talk to your
younger self, what would you say?
That's?
Speaker 4 (12:53):
a question.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
You hear all the time and I was thinking about that
guy, the 20-something like themid-20s.
Yeah, exactly the 28, you knowthat guy, like you know, talking
to him and saying man, come on,because what triggered in me
when you were asking me thesequestions are like can you?
Well, let's go back.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
I was asking you.
I said you know, if we can goback and look at ourselves when
we were maybe two or three yearsin?
Right and we got married in1990.
, we were maybe two or threeyears in and we got married in
1990.
So we're talking about 1992,1993.
That was a little ways back,but if we could carry ourselves
back into that time and try tostir up the memories of what?
Married life was like for usback then what are some things
(13:35):
that we realized after two orthree years of marriage?
That that it was like oh you're, I'll go back to the complex
you're really complex aren't you.
And complicated and what weresome things that we had to
adjust?
in our own thinking and learn tolove in the other person so
(13:56):
that our love that second lovethat deeper love would carry us
To where we are now To where weare now yes.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Well, you said two things.
One you said something justbefore we started recording that
you said you had to learnbecause I am a big personality,
I get that, you know.
I walk into a room, I'm goingto meet everybody, talk to
everybody, and in those placesI'm very extroverted.
I'm going to meet everybody,talk to everybody, and in those
(14:24):
places I'm very extroverted.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
But you said, one of the big adjustments was learning
to know how I processed wasvery introverted, yeah, almost
like a complete opposite side ofyou.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
Yes, you know, and, and when we were dating, uh, I
don't think we argued that much,so I didn't, I didn't
experience that introverted sideof you.
I just knew you as you're amusician and, yes, you're, you
know, very talkative.
You walk into a room and, um,you would engage anybody in the
(14:57):
room and conversation, um, I'm,I'm an extrovert, you know, I, I
get, uh, I get a lot of energyfrom people and so, you know,
I'm thinking, oh, I'm marryingsomeone who's so much like me,
he's extroverted like me, um,and so we are, and we are.
But when it came to arguing anddisagreements, I'm still an
(15:19):
extrovert.
I want to.
I mean in disagreements, I'mstill an extrovert.
I want to.
I mean in my mind I'll say itlike this you know, I want, I
want to do whatever work isnecessary to get to the resolve,
no matter how long it takes.
You know that that was how Ithought back then and I did not
expect in any way shape or formthat when we would get in
arguments you were actually notvery engaged in conversation you
(15:44):
would get quieter, and one weyou know one of it one had to do
with, like you had a father.
That that was, you know, prettyrough and tumble and not easy
to deal with and when it came toarguing, so part of it you were
shutting down Right.
So part of it you were shuttingdown, right, so part of it you
(16:05):
were shutting down.
And then, secondly, though,that introverted side of you
that really comes to the surfacein arguing, always want space
to process before you would saysomething which is completely
opposite to what my expectationwas.
So I think that was a hugepiece of well, not piece, but
(16:25):
that was a huge obstacle.
You know that we had to learn.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
Well, it was an expectation.
That's what we're talking about.
Yeah, I'm trying to think ofthe right word Because of the
image that you had, which I hopeyou're, as a couple as you're
listening to this today.
That's what we're talking aboutthe images that we have, which
have developed our expectationof what we think marriage one
looks like in the beginning, towhich we're going to touch on in
(16:52):
just a minute learning how toget to that deeper place of love
, because you begin to learn howto navigate and you choose,
like what you said a while ago,you begin to choose to love the
person you're married to and gookay, I love them.
And for us to go deeper, I'vegot to understand how they view
(17:14):
this and it's different than howI would.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Yes, yes, and I think another piece to the puzzle
when it comes to like for us,with the adjustment of how we
would argue, for me, a big partof why I wanted to get to the
resolve is when we would havetools that we use.
And you know you're talkingabout so many years later,
decades since those first fewyears.
(17:37):
Yes, Sometimes that Once it'sdecades it just sounds so long I
know right, but that thoughtwill still kind of come up
because I don't like feelingdisconnected but I had.
(18:00):
What I shifted in my ownthinking is I'm willing to give
you space to process and be veryuncomfortable and feeling
disconnected.
If in the long run we will, Iwill feel connected to you
because we have a strongerchance of getting to hopefully
(18:21):
resolve being the number onething we would want to get to,
or at least an understandingthat still felt, like you know,
resolving but wouldn't you saylet's take that topic and move
it to where we are now in ourrelationship and deeper love?
Speaker 1 (18:38):
I didn't know how to give you what you needed in that
moment.
When you needed again, you feltdisconnected.
So when I would shut down, Iwould leave you just hanging out
there with nothing, noconversation.
No, I've heard you.
No, we'll talk about it later.
It was just I shut down andwalked to another room or
(18:59):
whatever.
The case may have been.
Back there, Versus now what youjust said.
We've developed skills where Ican say, hey, I need some time
to process that.
I need time to think about howI want to reply to that, Because
you understand for me that thetime I need is because I want to
be able to convey to you whatmy emotions are, what my
(19:22):
thoughts are, what my feelingsare, all those words, so I can
give you what you need, Becauseif I do it just in the moment, I
could easily have fallen backinto what I saw my dad do, and
you know that about me now youdidn't.
Again, going back to that point, you didn.
You know that about me now, youdidn't again going back to that
.
You didn't know that about methen?
So, understanding that that'smy thought, I think I don't
(19:45):
think.
Well, I know because you'vetold me that helps you stay
connected to me.
It decreases that amount whereyou feel disconnected.
Would you agree?
Yes, because you understandthat I am thinking about what
you said and how important whatyou said is to me.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Right.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Right.
Yeah, I agree, that's thedeepening of the love that we
didn't have in the beginning,right, because we didn't know
how to get there.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
I will say I don't like.
There are times when we argue,even now, that, like I said,
there can be that fleetingthought.
I'm like you know, man, we'redisconnected and I just hate
that feeling.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
But you do know that I feel the same.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Sure so, but what I was going to say is it's a
fleeting.
It is a fleeting thought, Okay.
You know it's something thatjust kind of flies, kind of
flies through my thoughts, inand out of my thoughts, but the
reminder why is that?
the reminder is because wherewe're at now and what we've
(20:50):
developed, yes, I mean oh yeah,absolutely yeah, right, where it
can be a fleeting thought, andthen I say no, that's not true
at all.
Um, you know that that's asilly thought, because I know we
are connected for one thing,even when we're in an argument,
we're not necessarily likedisconnected from the standpoint
of like I don't know somethingvery serious, as much as it's
(21:14):
like oh, we're having amisunderstanding and our
marriage is rock solid, but it'sjust in this moment, right now.
It just yeah, we're a littleout of sync.
We're just yeah, we're not onthe same page.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Right, which for us has been these last few months,
is probably not probably due tothe move that we bought new
property.
Some of you know that we justrecently moved in the last few
months, so the holidays werehere, thanksgiving.
So my job situation, your jobnow your traveling father to get
(21:49):
to work?
We were and we said that and wedid recognize we're out of sync
.
Sure, and because our patternshave changed.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
And it made us help me here.
Not I don't know ifdisconnected is the right word,
but it was just like you said wewere out of sync because things
weren't, it was out of our normand it made it feel
uncomfortable.
I mean you've told me that.
And so and I told you the samething.
I think we brought that up oneday.
I said, hey, you know we're,are you sensing it too?
(22:22):
We're out of sync and werecognize, and we talked about
it.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
Yes, and I think, because you do get into rhythms
in marriage where you uh, yeah,you just life is predictable in
a way, you have patterns thatyou've set up and they feel,
yeah, you just life ispredictable in a way, you have
patterns that you've set up andthey feel great, you know.
And then yeah, for us this wasa huge move.
We had lived in our last homefor 13 years.
(22:46):
I mean, 13 years is a long time.
It is and developing, yeah, howwe just do life 24-7.
And then we move.
Not only do we move to a newhome, we move, we go from living
in the city, like in the heartof the city, to way out in the
country.
So everything's changed, youknow.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
And so, yeah, if you mix into all that change, any
form of distress or thingsfeeling uncomfortable, it's the
perfect uh, you know concoctionto so what I hear you saying to
bring up arguments yes, you knowto argue, to argue with each
other what I hear you saying andthis not necessarily in our
(23:30):
topic today, but what I hear yousaying is be willing to
recognize and ask your spousehey, are we out of sync?
What's causing it?
I mean those are greatdiscussions to have, I mean
because we, you know again, weknew what was going on, but just
saying those things out loud,for the lack of a better term
(23:51):
took the power away from theseparation.
Yeah.
And that we both recognized hey,this is where we're at in this
moment, but we have longevity toprove everything that, like you
said, our marriage is rocksolid.
We're just.
This is a temporary moment.
Right, we're not going to makeit, we're not going to camp out
here.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Right, exactly.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
There's an adjustment that's happening and we
recognize it and that I thinkthat goes back to what you were
saying earlier, versus where wewere when we first got married
to where you are now, becauseI'd written this down.
I know this is a statement,we're not the first to hear it
and won't be the last.
But so many couples ask us thathave been married a short
(24:32):
amount of time or get to thesemoments where they're having,
you know, these expectations arenot being met.
That does it get easier?
You know, and we were talkingabout this in the car the other
day and we kind of went back andforth I think it's the word
easier and I asked you, I saidhelp me when you hear that word
(24:54):
easy.
And you know the couples thathave asked us before, or even
listening, like does it geteasier?
What do you think they'reasking and how do we help them
navigate that thought of wherethey're at?
Speaker 2 (25:07):
Right because they can to say it's the further we
go into marriage, you know it'sjust going to get easy, it'll be
easier.
I think the definition ofeasier can be different from
couple to couple.
Right so if easier means Idon't have to put much effort
into it.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
That's what I was wanting you to get to.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
You know, I don't know if that's true, but if
easier means.
You know, we're early on in ourmarriage and we have
disagreements about certainthings and it seems hard
sometimes.
And my hope is, over time, whenwe argue we learn how to argue
(25:49):
well, because we talk about thatarguing well, which some people
that's like what, but you knowto argue in a way that's
provides productive conflict.
That will lead to goodresolution.
And if your hope is, you knowas you go along in marriage that
that will get easier, thenthat's a great goal to have
right.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
So you know again, it's all about the definition,
but that's what you and I weretalking about in the car.
I think that's where you've gotto be careful with what your
definition of easier is.
If it means, like you said, ifyou're thinking, easier means
there's less effort.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
Right.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
So I'm hearing myself say that out loud.
There's truth even into that,like what we were just sharing
about the analogy of where weare now.
It's less effort because, likeyou even said, it was a fleeting
thought it does become easierand there's less effort, but
you've had to put the work inand develop the tools so that
when you have those moments itdoesn't last as long, where you
(26:52):
don't feel disconnected, whereyou don't feel out of sync.
Right.
And it's being able to.
It's just hitting me.
It's again one of the numberone things we share with
everyone.
Are you asking one healthyquestions?
And when you're asking thesequestions, it's beneficial.
Are we out of sync?
Are we about to have anargument?
Saying those things out loud isa huge part of development and
(27:17):
learning how to have a deeperlove.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
Yes.
So going back again to whatwe've been talking about since
the beginning, so when you're ayoung couple getting married and
you have the idea of what youthink your marriage is, and then
, as time moves on and yourealize there's a lot of
complexity and and things arecomplicated, maybe a little more
(27:41):
than what you, your expectationwas walking in what are some
things that can be helpful?
Speaker 1 (27:53):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
I'll ask you what are some things you think can be
helpful in navigating andworking through those
differences so that your lovecan deepen.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
Are you asking me that?
Yeah, whoa.
Well, you asked me this kind ofearlier when we were getting
ready and, like I said, ittriggered some things for me
because the guy I looked backthen I'd like to be able to say
who you were back then, who Iwas back then?
I'd like to be able to talk tothat guy and say, look, I think,
(28:27):
as a man, what I sense when Ilook back, I look at missed
opportunities, not only forgrowth in myself but growth in
our marriage.
But then I also which is whatyou encouraged me I had to
remind myself where I was then,what I came out of, what was my
example and all those thingsthat I pulled in, like we're not
(28:50):
the first to say the luggagethat I carried.
Maybe I had a trunk, I don'tknow.
Speaker 2 (28:55):
Maybe my unknown wheels, a lot of baggage, yeah,
that we bring into marriage.
Speaker 1 (28:58):
That I brought in that until we got married.
To be honest, I didn't know howto.
I didn't realize.
To be honest, I know thissounds, I don't mean this as a I
didn't know.
I had some of those things tobe honest yeah, but I didn't
know I had some of those things,to be honest, yeah, but you
know I didn't know that, likewhat you said, your expectation
to what I was was based on somewhat you saw, your mom and dad
(29:20):
and vice versa I had too manyassumptions and learning how to
go.
okay, wait a minute.
Speaker 3 (29:29):
that's not healthy and letting you in on that, that
was a big breakthrough for me.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
So the guy that I am now and the guy that I was then
are, in some ways, totally twodifferent people, yet I'm the
same person.
Yeah.
So I think that's what we'retrying to say when we say
expectations.
You know our love is strongerthan ever and I'm still, you
(29:57):
know, a little less hair orwhatever I'm.
You know I'm getting in farmershape, evidently.
What that is, you know.
Out there I'm tearing downbuildings, whatever I feel great
about that part and I'm drivinga tractor.
So that's super cool.
But who I am now?
The patience, I think that'sthe patience.
(30:18):
I think that's.
I know we don't talk about thatword a lot in marriage, but the
patience you had for me and thepatience I had to learn to
develop for myself because thatthat's the thing I've had to
overcome the most is who isshame or, you know, feeling
guilty about not handlingsomething well the right way.
I think that's what makes itdeepen, because, I've said this
(30:40):
so many times your ability tolove me through is what we're
really saying.
That's what real love is.
That's why we're saying itdeepens, because it's not just
no longer superficial, it's notjust fireworks, which are great.
Yeah.
But there's a depth that comesto it, because you really that's
(31:02):
what we're trying to say todayembracing a real marriage.
You learn to love the personfor who they are.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Yeah, that's so good.
Thank you for that.
Yeah, that's awesome.
I love you.
I love you.
It's one of the things I loveso much about you.
I like it when you getpassionate and teary eyed and I
know you guys can't seem, butit's just, it's.
It's awesome.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
So good Thanks, and so we just want to encourage you
.
I know in some ways thispodcast may sound like it's more
for, you know, couples thathaven't been married very long.
Um are couples that are walkinginto marriage, but I want to
say it's for couples of all ages, because, uh, one thing that we
(31:45):
were talking about is that youknow as as um as we all age.
You know the, the person that Iwas in my twenties, thirt 40s
and now 50s um you know, there'skeep going, there's one more,
we're in.
Now we're in 60s, the verybeginning of the 60s.
Um, yeah, that there's alwaysum areas that you realize that
(32:13):
you work on and and how you loveeach other, and even your
mindsets and how you think aboutthings, and there's just things
that are always changing andthat will, um, work well if you
are open-minded to love yourspouse, choose and you choose to
(32:34):
love them yes For who they are.
And I will say, as a spouse,when you realize that, like in
your case, when I realized thatyou are loving me for who I am,
I think for me, what that does,is it unlocks in me, like, are
there areas of myself that Ineed to work on, though, like
(32:55):
you know, like I know you'reloving me for who I am, but, um,
maybe I need to look to it.
Like I think, the way I thinkabout, like certain things, um,
and so I think it also canpromote wonderful growth in in,
uh like for me, for me as anindividual being loved so well
(33:16):
by you and um, accepted andrespected by you, um, which is
really I mean.
I trust you you know that.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
That's that's the thing.
That's that's what the deeperlove does.
As well, too, it opens up, likeyou said, respect but trust.
I do know in the bones of mybeing that you have the best in
mind for me.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
I feel the same about you.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
And, as you're listening to this, we've talked
to so many couples.
That's something that times istested.
You don't necessarily sometimessay those things out loud, but
do they really have my bestinterest in mind and open
conversation, having thosemoments?
You know I talked to somebodythe other day.
(34:05):
As we're closing today, youknow we're again just talking
about embracing a real marriage.
I've got we've got 34 yearsinvested in each other.
I'm not bailing now.
I choose.
When I chose you, I chose youforever.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
And I want to do, not only for our marriage but for
you and for myself, what helpsto make that grow deeper and
more meaningful.
And I want to be an example.
I want our marriage, you know,for other couples to say that's
something I'm striving for.
(34:41):
I've cried more this episode,Anyway, but it's just, it's
worth the effort.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:51):
You know and we honestly believe that every
couple can live this way, canhave a deep relationship and a
deep marriage.
Mm-hmm.
You know, and I think that'swhat needs to be said more,
because you hear so many thingsin the media and different
things of why marriages won'twork and people are moving away
from traditional values and allthat.
(35:13):
I just I don't believe that,Right.
I believe people.
There are people out there thatare wanting to have a great
marriage.
That's why we do what we do.
Speaker 2 (35:21):
Yep, absolutely Well.
Guys, thank you for spendingsome time with us and listening.
We appreciate it so much.
You have any thoughts orcomments?
Speaker 1 (35:33):
Yeah, Let us know.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
Yeah, Look, look for us on Instagram.
We're on Instagram marriage andus and we would love to hear
what, yeah, what you think.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
Yeah, so thanks for listening.
We always appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (35:43):
Yeah, until next time .
Speaker 4 (35:44):
All right guys.
See ya, you've been listeningto marriage and us with your
hosts, robin Robin Adkins.
Stay up to date by followingthem on Instagram at
marriageandus underscore podcastand on Twitter at marriageandus
.
Also hit the follow button soyou never miss an episode from
(36:07):
your favorite couple.
Hi, I'm Rob and I'm Robin.
Thanks for listening toMarriage and Us.
Each week we will talk aboutreal-life topics that couples
experience in everyday marriedlife.
So let's get to today's episode.
Welcome back in everybody.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Hey guys.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
How's everybody doing ?
Speaker 2 (00:28):
I know we always ask that, but Well, hopefully they
answer in their mind.
Okay.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
When they're listening to us.
If you, if this you know, wetalked about this so many times.
If this is your first timetuning in to us my name is Rob.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
And I'm Robin.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Yeah, so thanks for joining us.
We love talking about marriage,we love being married, but
helping people that are marriedor want to get married, so yeah,
so that's why we do what we do.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Do not know where you're at when you're listening
to this podcast, but it is verycold across the country right
now.
Very cold, yes, Some placescolder than others.
Minus degrees.
I mean, like this morning itwas like eight here in Lewisburg
.
That's the first time I thinkI've said that.
So, we have moved outside ofNashville.
Some of you know that we havebought a farm, living that farm
life as we say now.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
There are no animals here, though.
No no animals, no, it's just.
It's property that at one pointwas a farm.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
We have a few Byzantine animals at times.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Wild animals.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Well, we've had a few cows from our neighbors, true,
that have showed up.
A rooster We've had a rooster.
You've had a lengthyconversation with that.
Well, I need to post that sopeople can see that.
But we have deer, lots of deer.
We have a hawk who we've namedHammond.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Yes, which means high protector.
It does exactly, and he'sprotecting us from the field
mice that I don't want to havein my house.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Yes, exactly.
So yes, when I bush hoggedrecently when we first moved,
that sounds so cool to say thatwhen I bush hogged, that's a man
thing.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
I guess For those people who don't know what that
means.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Have a tractor, which sounds super cool.
Again, I'm just very cool,evidently have a tractor and
bush hog is actually a brand,but anyway, it's what you do
when you mow down hay or tallgrass.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
So that's made me pretty much the envy of every
man at our church.
Can you verify and testify tothat?
Speaker 2 (02:35):
I would say yes.
A lot of our friends,definitely the men that we know
that we are friends with, allmentioned that they would like
to come out here and drive thetractor, so we maybe we'll sell
tickets.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
I don't know.
Yeah, something, I like that.
I like it.
Today we are actually.
We listened to a excerpt.
Did I say that right?
Yes, I believe so.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Thank you Just want to make sure, did I say that?
Speaker 1 (03:02):
right?
Yes, I believe so, thank you.
Just want to make sure Agentleman on, we listen to all
kinds of different podcasts andyou know things on YouTube and
his name was are you going tosay it for me?
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Yeah, his name is I think it's pronounced Strahan
Coleman.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
Yes, exactly.
So I just want to give him alittle credit.
And he was talking about he wasrelating marriage and how you
go into marriage, and then, ofcourse, he goes on to talk about
how we relate that to God aswell too.
But today's episode we aretimely embracing a real marriage
.
What does that look like?
(03:40):
What does it look like when youif you're about to get married
or you've just gotten married,and what if you've been married
for a while?
What does that look like?
What does it look like when youif you're about to get married
or you've just gotten married,and what if you've been married
for a while?
What does that look like?
Now, that's kind of the whenyou say, that's the kind of the
premise of yes, of what hebrought.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
What he brought up, uh, that we heard in
conversation.
Well, not in conversation,we're not actually talking to
him.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
No, we're just watching him.
Yeah, it feels that way becausehe was very personal.
It really struck home.
I guess is why it feels like aconversation.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
So the question he proposed is do you marry the
idea of the person in front ofyou on your wedding day more
than the person that's standingin front of you on your wedding
day?
Right Images or an idea of whatyou think they are and what they
(04:34):
actually are and what theydevelop over time who they
develop into being yes, and so Ithought that was such a great
question, because you know we'veall been there.
If you're married, yes, you're.
You know you remember yourwedding day standing there
looking at your spouse and youlook beautiful, by the way.
(04:56):
Thank you.
And the idea of who you thinkthey are and what your marriage
will look like, and then, astime moves forward, who you
think they are and what yourmarriage will look like, and
then as time moves forward, well, why do you think that I don't
want to move off of that asquick?
Speaker 1 (05:13):
So why do you think that, going back to that,
thinking about your marriage day, and then you've met that
person?
Because he brought up thereason I want to interject this,
because he was talking aboutlove, because love is such a
huge emotion.
The emotional side of love rightEmotional side of love, of what
that is, because most of thetime, would you agree that we
(05:36):
associate love with a feelingSure, I feel loved.
I mean most people don't say Ithink I'm in love.
I mean I guess you could saythat, but it really comes down
to how it makes your heart feeland understand.
Because that's where thatstatement comes from, because
love truly is blind, becausewe're so enamored with this
(05:57):
person in the beginning of this,what we're talking about today,
this image or idea of what wethink they are and what our
marriage and what love is goingto look like.
So I just wanted to throw thatin your train of thought as you
keep going.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Yes.
So yes, it's all about who wethink the person is and it is
definitely based from what I'mhearing you say just now.
It's based a lot of it's basedon how that person makes you
know us, made us feel how likein our case you and I, how you
made me feel right is how Iassociated my love for you right
(06:34):
um and I think you've usedwords like safe.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
You've described that's how I made you feel safe
and heard.
Those are words that I've heardyou say before countless times,
which means a lot to me,obviously.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Sure, and just the whole romantic notion of love, I
think, is something that we allexperience for the most part,
you know, and especially aswomen, you know there are not
many little girls that aren'tplanning their wedding day or
thinking about that.
You know from early childhood,yeah, so it's all.
(07:11):
It's kind of engrafted in thatto our expectations of the
wedding day.
Right, that's a big wordexpectation.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
We've talked about that a lot, so move forward with
that thought.
Like wedding day, there'sexpectations.
Yes, we've touched on that manytimes.
But like now, you're married.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Right, right and I think that.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
What is that expectation?
Speaker 2 (07:37):
Exactly, the emotions are still there, but then, I
think, you're also faced withthe idea of the person you
married, and now you're reallyexperiencing the fullness of who
that person is, because you'reliving under the same roof.
Yeah, and there is reality,definitely.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Yeah, they have bad breath when you wake up in the
morning.
What?
That's not the way it is on themovies.
What do you mean?
They don't wear makeup to bed.
You know these new things?
Well, some women do.
Maybe they do it probablymesses up the pillowcases, right
, I'm all right, ladies, yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
So when you think, as time moves on from that wedding
day now to married life, Ithink you realize that the
person you've married isprobably way more complex and
complicated and they're notgoing away.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
I mean, but that's the truth.
I mean and I understand.
I mean whatever your journeywas to get to where you are, and
you know, being married, Iunderstand those are different
things.
People have differentcircumstances, so there's no
judgment here with that, but fora lot of us it's new.
This is like I'm waking up withthis person every day.
And even I'll say this andwe've talked to a lot of couples
(08:54):
about this because we've alwaystried to be transparent there
is a difference between thatmoment where you're living
together if that's where yourjourney has been to when you say
, I do.
Now you're married, there's achange in your emotions, your
psychology, how your brainfunctions.
It's just.
These are all proven facts.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Right.
I mean we've met with a lot ofcouples that aren't living
together before they're married.
But we have sat in council.
You know some people that and Ithink that they think that
makes you know if they walk intomarried life makes it a little
more bulletproof because they'velived together and they know.
But yes, you're absolutelyright.
It's so fascinating how thateven those people come back and
(09:33):
go, wow, it's different, yeah,so, so, yeah, that's so true,
but you know, I think that onceyou get past that, you know
again.
It's that old saying of thehoneymoon phase.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
The fireworks, the tingles, the romance of being
with somebody being pursued,Sure yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
You know, and now it's like daily married life is
kicked in and yeah, and nowyou're at this place, you know
where that initial love thatdrew you together, that you know
was there and that's why youwanted to marry each other.
I think what we heard Strahantalking about, he was talking
(10:14):
about a second love that cancome into play.
Speaker 4 (10:19):
That's developed over it is developed.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
Yes Over time, Because you choose it and that
second love basically is okay,I've married you, but now I know
more about you.
I see how complex you are as anindividual.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
And now, that's a big word, complex.
Yeah, now I have the choice doyou think it may ask you, think
you would have thought aboutthat word in your heart and your
mind, your thoughts like whenwe were getting married, like to
say this is going to be verycomplex because no yeah yeah, no
(10:56):
, not at all.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
I mean it's we had a very wild courtship because we
really barely dated and we gotmarried.
Sure, we're very strange, mostof our relationship was more
based on phone calls than it wasto actually see each other face
to face.
I'm not recommending this atall.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
We are a living miracle.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Yeah, we really beat the odds.
But you know, we have met withso many couples now over the
years.
Um, you know, you really.
You really see over and overagain, though, this pattern of
what, uh, each person thinksmarried life is going to be life
like, or, or who, or they thinkthey really know each other and
(11:38):
then we start, you know, askingquestions and find that we
don't.
But going back to my, mythought while ago is that second
love is a deeper love that saysI, I see how complex you are
right how complicated of anindividual you are, and now I'm
going to choose to really loveyou and accept you.
(12:02):
Right, and that second love issuch a deep, it is a deeper love
.
Right you know, and I thinkthat's so amazing.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Well, you said this to me before we got on recording
today, because we obviously wewere talking about today's
episode and we were trying tolook back and think about
ourselves when we were, you know, in our late 20s, right, and
for me it was like whoa, I thinkit hit me.
(12:36):
That's why I had such a when wewere talking about this episode
.
I had such a I know this wordgets used a lot, but it's just
the fact of what it is A triggerof like, oh wow, I wish and I
know we hear this all the timeIf you could talk to your
younger self, what would you say?
That's?
Speaker 4 (12:53):
a question.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
You hear all the time and I was thinking about that
guy, the 20-something like themid-20s.
Yeah, exactly the 28, you knowthat guy, like you know, talking
to him and saying man, come on,because what triggered in me
when you were asking me thesequestions are like can you?
Well, let's go back.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
I was asking you.
I said you know, if we can goback and look at ourselves when
we were maybe two or three yearsin?
Right and we got married in1990.
, we were maybe two or threeyears in and we got married in
1990.
So we're talking about 1992,1993.
That was a little ways back,but if we could carry ourselves
back into that time and try tostir up the memories of what?
Married life was like for usback then what are some things
(13:35):
that we realized after two orthree years of marriage?
That that it was like oh you're, I'll go back to the complex
you're really complex aren't you.
And complicated and what weresome things that we had to
adjust?
in our own thinking and learn tolove in the other person so
(13:56):
that our love that second lovethat deeper love would carry us
To where we are now To where weare now yes.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Well, you said two things.
One you said something justbefore we started recording that
you said you had to learnbecause I am a big personality,
I get that, you know.
I walk into a room, I'm goingto meet everybody, talk to
everybody, and in those placesI'm very extroverted.
I'm going to meet everybody,talk to everybody, and in those
(14:24):
places I'm very extroverted.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
But you said, one of the big adjustments was learning
to know how I processed wasvery introverted, yeah, almost
like a complete opposite side ofyou.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
Yes, you know, and, and when we were dating, uh, I
don't think we argued that much,so I didn't, I didn't
experience that introverted sideof you.
I just knew you as you're amusician and, yes, you're, you
know, very talkative.
You walk into a room and, um,you would engage anybody in the
(14:57):
room and conversation, um, I'm,I'm an extrovert, you know, I, I
get, uh, I get a lot of energyfrom people and so, you know,
I'm thinking, oh, I'm marryingsomeone who's so much like me,
he's extroverted like me, um,and so we are, and we are.
But when it came to arguing anddisagreements, I'm still an
(15:19):
extrovert.
I want to.
I mean in disagreements, I'mstill an extrovert.
I want to.
I mean in my mind I'll say itlike this you know, I want, I
want to do whatever work isnecessary to get to the resolve,
no matter how long it takes.
You know that that was how Ithought back then and I did not
expect in any way shape or formthat when we would get in
arguments you were actually notvery engaged in conversation you
(15:44):
would get quieter, and one weyou know one of it one had to do
with, like you had a father.
That that was, you know, prettyrough and tumble and not easy
to deal with and when it came toarguing, so part of it you were
shutting down Right.
So part of it you were shuttingdown, right, so part of it you
(16:05):
were shutting down.
And then, secondly, though,that introverted side of you
that really comes to the surfacein arguing, always want space
to process before you would saysomething which is completely
opposite to what my expectationwas.
So I think that was a hugepiece of well, not piece, but
(16:25):
that was a huge obstacle.
You know that we had to learn.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
Well, it was an expectation.
That's what we're talking about.
Yeah, I'm trying to think ofthe right word Because of the
image that you had, which I hopeyou're, as a couple as you're
listening to this today.
That's what we're talking aboutthe images that we have, which
have developed our expectationof what we think marriage one
looks like in the beginning, towhich we're going to touch on in
(16:52):
just a minute learning how toget to that deeper place of love
, because you begin to learn howto navigate and you choose,
like what you said a while ago,you begin to choose to love the
person you're married to and gookay, I love them.
And for us to go deeper, I'vegot to understand how they view
(17:14):
this and it's different than howI would.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Yes, yes, and I think another piece to the puzzle
when it comes to like for us,with the adjustment of how we
would argue, for me, a big partof why I wanted to get to the
resolve is when we would havetools that we use.
And you know you're talkingabout so many years later,
decades since those first fewyears.
(17:37):
Yes, Sometimes that Once it'sdecades it just sounds so long I
know right, but that thoughtwill still kind of come up
because I don't like feelingdisconnected but I had.
(18:00):
What I shifted in my ownthinking is I'm willing to give
you space to process and be veryuncomfortable and feeling
disconnected.
If in the long run we will, Iwill feel connected to you
because we have a strongerchance of getting to hopefully
(18:21):
resolve being the number onething we would want to get to,
or at least an understandingthat still felt, like you know,
resolving but wouldn't you saylet's take that topic and move
it to where we are now in ourrelationship and deeper love?
Speaker 1 (18:38):
I didn't know how to give you what you needed in that
moment.
When you needed again, you feltdisconnected.
So when I would shut down, Iwould leave you just hanging out
there with nothing, noconversation.
No, I've heard you.
No, we'll talk about it later.
It was just I shut down andwalked to another room or
(18:59):
whatever.
The case may have been.
Back there, Versus now what youjust said.
We've developed skills where Ican say, hey, I need some time
to process that.
I need time to think about howI want to reply to that, Because
you understand for me that thetime I need is because I want to
be able to convey to you whatmy emotions are, what my
(19:22):
thoughts are, what my feelingsare, all those words, so I can
give you what you need, Becauseif I do it just in the moment, I
could easily have fallen backinto what I saw my dad do, and
you know that about me now youdidn't.
Again, going back to that point, you didn.
You know that about me now, youdidn't again going back to that
.
You didn't know that about methen?
So, understanding that that'smy thought, I think I don't
(19:45):
think.
Well, I know because you'vetold me that helps you stay
connected to me.
It decreases that amount whereyou feel disconnected.
Would you agree?
Yes, because you understandthat I am thinking about what
you said and how important whatyou said is to me.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Right.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Right.
Yeah, I agree, that's thedeepening of the love that we
didn't have in the beginning,right, because we didn't know
how to get there.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
I will say I don't like.
There are times when we argue,even now, that, like I said,
there can be that fleetingthought.
I'm like you know, man, we'redisconnected and I just hate
that feeling.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
But you do know that I feel the same.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Sure so, but what I was going to say is it's a
fleeting.
It is a fleeting thought, Okay.
You know it's something thatjust kind of flies, kind of
flies through my thoughts, inand out of my thoughts, but the
reminder why is that?
the reminder is because wherewe're at now and what we've
(20:50):
developed, yes, I mean oh yeah,absolutely yeah, right, where it
can be a fleeting thought, andthen I say no, that's not true
at all.
Um, you know that that's asilly thought, because I know we
are connected for one thing,even when we're in an argument,
we're not necessarily likedisconnected from the standpoint
of like I don't know somethingvery serious, as much as it's
(21:14):
like oh, we're having amisunderstanding and our
marriage is rock solid, but it'sjust in this moment, right now.
It just yeah, we're a littleout of sync.
We're just yeah, we're not onthe same page.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Right, which for us has been these last few months,
is probably not probably due tothe move that we bought new
property.
Some of you know that we justrecently moved in the last few
months, so the holidays werehere, thanksgiving.
So my job situation, your jobnow your traveling father to get
(21:49):
to work?
We were and we said that and wedid recognize we're out of sync
.
Sure, and because our patternshave changed.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
And it made us help me here.
Not I don't know ifdisconnected is the right word,
but it was just like you said wewere out of sync because things
weren't, it was out of our normand it made it feel
uncomfortable.
I mean you've told me that.
And so and I told you the samething.
I think we brought that up oneday.
I said, hey, you know we're,are you sensing it too?
(22:22):
We're out of sync and werecognize, and we talked about
it.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
Yes, and I think, because you do get into rhythms
in marriage where you uh, yeah,you just life is predictable in
a way, you have patterns thatyou've set up and they feel,
yeah, you just life ispredictable in a way, you have
patterns that you've set up andthey feel great, you know.
And then yeah, for us this wasa huge move.
We had lived in our last homefor 13 years.
(22:46):
I mean, 13 years is a long time.
It is and developing, yeah, howwe just do life 24-7.
And then we move.
Not only do we move to a newhome, we move, we go from living
in the city, like in the heartof the city, to way out in the
country.
So everything's changed, youknow.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
And so, yeah, if you mix into all that change, any
form of distress or thingsfeeling uncomfortable, it's the
perfect uh, you know concoctionto so what I hear you saying to
bring up arguments yes, you knowto argue, to argue with each
other what I hear you saying andthis not necessarily in our
(23:30):
topic today, but what I hear yousaying is be willing to
recognize and ask your spousehey, are we out of sync?
What's causing it?
I mean those are greatdiscussions to have, I mean
because we, you know again, weknew what was going on, but just
saying those things out loud,for the lack of a better term
(23:51):
took the power away from theseparation.
Yeah.
And that we both recognized hey,this is where we're at in this
moment, but we have longevity toprove everything that, like you
said, our marriage is rocksolid.
We're just.
This is a temporary moment.
Right, we're not going to makeit, we're not going to camp out
here.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Right, exactly.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
There's an adjustment that's happening and we
recognize it and that I thinkthat goes back to what you were
saying earlier, versus where wewere when we first got married
to where you are now, becauseI'd written this down.
I know this is a statement,we're not the first to hear it
and won't be the last.
But so many couples ask us thathave been married a short
(24:32):
amount of time or get to thesemoments where they're having,
you know, these expectations arenot being met.
That does it get easier?
You know, and we were talkingabout this in the car the other
day and we kind of went back andforth I think it's the word
easier and I asked you, I saidhelp me when you hear that word
(24:54):
easy.
And you know the couples thathave asked us before, or even
listening, like does it geteasier?
What do you think they'reasking and how do we help them
navigate that thought of wherethey're at?
Speaker 2 (25:07):
Right because they can to say it's the further we
go into marriage, you know it'sjust going to get easy, it'll be
easier.
I think the definition ofeasier can be different from
couple to couple.
Right so if easier means Idon't have to put much effort
into it.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
That's what I was wanting you to get to.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
You know, I don't know if that's true, but if
easier means.
You know, we're early on in ourmarriage and we have
disagreements about certainthings and it seems hard
sometimes.
And my hope is, over time, whenwe argue we learn how to argue
(25:49):
well, because we talk about thatarguing well, which some people
that's like what, but you knowto argue in a way that's
provides productive conflict.
That will lead to goodresolution.
And if your hope is, you knowas you go along in marriage that
that will get easier, thenthat's a great goal to have
right.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
So you know again, it's all about the definition,
but that's what you and I weretalking about in the car.
I think that's where you've gotto be careful with what your
definition of easier is.
If it means, like you said, ifyou're thinking, easier means
there's less effort.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
Right.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
So I'm hearing myself say that out loud.
There's truth even into that,like what we were just sharing
about the analogy of where weare now.
It's less effort because, likeyou even said, it was a fleeting
thought it does become easierand there's less effort, but
you've had to put the work inand develop the tools so that
when you have those moments itdoesn't last as long, where you
(26:52):
don't feel disconnected, whereyou don't feel out of sync.
Right.
And it's being able to.
It's just hitting me.
It's again one of the numberone things we share with
everyone.
Are you asking one healthyquestions?
And when you're asking thesequestions, it's beneficial.
Are we out of sync?
Are we about to have anargument?
Saying those things out loud isa huge part of development and
(27:17):
learning how to have a deeperlove.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
Yes.
So going back again to whatwe've been talking about since
the beginning, so when you're ayoung couple getting married and
you have the idea of what youthink your marriage is, and then
, as time moves on and yourealize there's a lot of
complexity and and things arecomplicated, maybe a little more
(27:41):
than what you, your expectationwas walking in what are some
things that can be helpful?
Speaker 1 (27:53):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
I'll ask you what are some things you think can be
helpful in navigating andworking through those
differences so that your lovecan deepen.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
Are you asking me that?
Yeah, whoa.
Well, you asked me this kind ofearlier when we were getting
ready and, like I said, ittriggered some things for me
because the guy I looked backthen I'd like to be able to say
who you were back then, who Iwas back then?
I'd like to be able to talk tothat guy and say, look, I think,
(28:27):
as a man, what I sense when Ilook back, I look at missed
opportunities, not only forgrowth in myself but growth in
our marriage.
But then I also which is whatyou encouraged me I had to
remind myself where I was then,what I came out of, what was my
example and all those thingsthat I pulled in, like we're not
(28:50):
the first to say the luggagethat I carried.
Maybe I had a trunk, I don'tknow.
Speaker 2 (28:55):
Maybe my unknown wheels, a lot of baggage, yeah,
that we bring into marriage.
Speaker 1 (28:58):
That I brought in that until we got married.
To be honest, I didn't know howto.
I didn't realize.
To be honest, I know thissounds, I don't mean this as a I
didn't know.
I had some of those things tobe honest yeah, but I didn't
know I had some of those things,to be honest, yeah, but you
know I didn't know that, likewhat you said, your expectation
to what I was was based on somewhat you saw, your mom and dad
(29:20):
and vice versa I had too manyassumptions and learning how to
go.
okay, wait a minute.
Speaker 3 (29:29):
that's not healthy and letting you in on that, that
was a big breakthrough for me.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
So the guy that I am now and the guy that I was then
are, in some ways, totally twodifferent people, yet I'm the
same person.
Yeah.
So I think that's what we'retrying to say when we say
expectations.
You know our love is strongerthan ever and I'm still, you
(29:57):
know, a little less hair orwhatever I'm.
You know I'm getting in farmershape, evidently.
What that is, you know.
Out there I'm tearing downbuildings, whatever I feel great
about that part and I'm drivinga tractor.
So that's super cool.
But who I am now?
The patience, I think that'sthe patience.
(30:18):
I think that's.
I know we don't talk about thatword a lot in marriage, but the
patience you had for me and thepatience I had to learn to
develop for myself because thatthat's the thing I've had to
overcome the most is who isshame or, you know, feeling
guilty about not handlingsomething well the right way.
I think that's what makes itdeepen, because, I've said this
(30:40):
so many times your ability tolove me through is what we're
really saying.
That's what real love is.
That's why we're saying itdeepens, because it's not just
no longer superficial, it's notjust fireworks, which are great.
Yeah.
But there's a depth that comesto it, because you really that's
(31:02):
what we're trying to say todayembracing a real marriage.
You learn to love the personfor who they are.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Yeah, that's so good.
Thank you for that.
Yeah, that's awesome.
I love you.
I love you.
It's one of the things I loveso much about you.
I like it when you getpassionate and teary eyed and I
know you guys can't seem, butit's just, it's.
It's awesome.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
So good Thanks, and so we just want to encourage you
.
I know in some ways thispodcast may sound like it's more
for, you know, couples thathaven't been married very long.
Um are couples that are walkinginto marriage, but I want to
say it's for couples of all ages, because, uh, one thing that we
(31:45):
were talking about is that youknow as as um as we all age.
You know the, the person that Iwas in my twenties, thirt 40s
and now 50s um you know, there'skeep going, there's one more,
we're in.
Now we're in 60s, the verybeginning of the 60s.
Um, yeah, that there's alwaysum areas that you realize that
(32:13):
you work on and and how you loveeach other, and even your
mindsets and how you think aboutthings, and there's just things
that are always changing andthat will, um, work well if you
are open-minded to love yourspouse, choose and you choose to
(32:34):
love them yes For who they are.
And I will say, as a spouse,when you realize that, like in
your case, when I realized thatyou are loving me for who I am,
I think for me, what that does,is it unlocks in me, like, are
there areas of myself that Ineed to work on, though, like
(32:55):
you know, like I know you'reloving me for who I am, but, um,
maybe I need to look to it.
Like I think, the way I thinkabout, like certain things, um,
and so I think it also canpromote wonderful growth in in,
uh like for me, for me as anindividual being loved so well
(33:16):
by you and um, accepted andrespected by you, um, which is
really I mean.
I trust you you know that.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
That's that's the thing.
That's that's what the deeperlove does.
As well, too, it opens up, likeyou said, respect but trust.
I do know in the bones of mybeing that you have the best in
mind for me.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
I feel the same about you.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
And, as you're listening to this, we've talked
to so many couples.
That's something that times istested.
You don't necessarily sometimessay those things out loud, but
do they really have my bestinterest in mind and open
conversation, having thosemoments?
You know I talked to somebodythe other day.
(34:05):
As we're closing today, youknow we're again just talking
about embracing a real marriage.
I've got we've got 34 yearsinvested in each other.
I'm not bailing now.
I choose.
When I chose you, I chose youforever.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
And I want to do, not only for our marriage but for
you and for myself, what helpsto make that grow deeper and
more meaningful.
And I want to be an example.
I want our marriage, you know,for other couples to say that's
something I'm striving for.
(34:41):
I've cried more this episode,Anyway, but it's just, it's
worth the effort.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:51):
You know and we honestly believe that every
couple can live this way, canhave a deep relationship and a
deep marriage.
Mm-hmm.
You know, and I think that'swhat needs to be said more,
because you hear so many thingsin the media and different
things of why marriages won'twork and people are moving away
from traditional values and allthat.
(35:13):
I just I don't believe that,Right.
I believe people.
There are people out there thatare wanting to have a great
marriage.
That's why we do what we do.
Speaker 2 (35:21):
Yep, absolutely Well.
Guys, thank you for spendingsome time with us and listening.
We appreciate it so much.
You have any thoughts orcomments?
Speaker 1 (35:33):
Yeah, Let us know.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
Yeah, Look, look for us on Instagram.
We're on Instagram marriage andus and we would love to hear
what, yeah, what you think.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
Yeah, so thanks for listening.
We always appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (35:43):
Yeah, until next time .
Speaker 4 (35:44):
All right guys.
See ya, you've been listeningto marriage and us with your
hosts, robin Robin Adkins.
Stay up to date by followingthem on Instagram at
marriageandus underscore podcastand on Twitter at marriageandus
.
Also hit the follow button soyou never miss an episode from
(36:07):
your favorite couple.
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