February 26, 2025 • 45 mins
In this episode of the Marriage and Us podcast, hosts Rob and Robin dive deep into the art of communication as a cornerstone of a thriving marriage. They share personal anecdotes and insights on how effective speaking skills can enhance understanding, intimacy, and connection between partners. Listeners will learn practical tips for improving their own communication, navigating tough conversations, and fostering a supportive dialogue that strengthens their relationship. Join Rob and Robin as they explore the transformative power of words in building a lasting partnership!
Music by - Roger Jaeger - from the album (Fall Off the Earth)
Produced by - Jared Nester
Outro by - Madison Nester
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hi, I'm Rob and I'm Robin.
Thanks for listening toMarriage and Us.
Each week we will talk aboutreal-life topics that couples
experience in everyday marriedlife.
So let's get to today's episode.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Why, hello everybody.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Hey, how are?
Speaker 2 (00:25):
you?
I'm good.
How are you doing?
I'm doing good.
Welcome to Marriage and Us.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Yeah, I'm Rob.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
I'm Robin.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Just in case this is your first time finding us.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Yeah, we want to say welcome, hi, how are you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:42):
We're good, if this is seriously your first time,
thanks for tuning in.
Uh, and either you found us orsomebody that we know or listens
to the podcast recommended us,so we never take it for granted
when somebody takes the time tohit the download or the play
button and listen to what thetwo of us have to say.
And talk about but, uh, yeah,it's's good.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
It is.
It's really good.
I mean, I think what makes ourpodcast, what makes our podcast,
what makes our podcastenjoyable, in my opinion, is
it's very conversational and youknow it's not scripted.
I'm sure if you've listened tomore than one or two.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
I mean we have faults .
We start with you can tell that.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
But we really just want to put these headsets on
and just talk about life, love,marriage, kids, all the things.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Opportunities, new things, yeah, yeah, it's been.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Highs and lows.
Highs and lows.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
It has been a at the time of this recording the last.
The last 30 days has been umjust a wild good time.
I mean, it's just been yeah,it's been one blessing.
Just call it what it is Afteranother a lot of highs.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
It has been.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
Yeah, I mean from um 30 days ago, got a new a little
less of that, but A little lessof that but I got a new job
offer.
I'm going to be working for anew company here in Nashville,
so I'm excited about that.
Yeah, you got.
I mean go ahead and share.
I mean I know you shared atchurch this morning your
testimony about what happenedwith you.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Yeah, I know I mentioned.
If you guys have been listening, Well, they better have been
listening.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
No, I'm sorry I'm joking, not really, but anyway.
I'm sorry I'm joking, notreally, but anyway.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
I have been dealing with some health issues from
last year and I don't know if Iever specifically said what the
health issues were.
Take a second.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Are you comfortable sharing about that?
Yeah, I can share real quick.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
So just started having some neuropathy type
issues around the spring lastyear in 2024.
And I just felt like my healthwas just off.
My body was off, not just notfeeling my best, and uh, if any
of you out there have had anyissues with your nerve endings,
(02:55):
it is.
It's it's pretty rough and soyou know, I just trying to just
figure things out and going tosee different doctors and having
different tests run, andfinally in September they said
they found a lesion in myT-spine, which is kind of like
your upper spine of your body,and this lesion was sort of
(03:18):
centered around like my spinalcord, around my shoulder blades,
and they were concerned and soI didn't expect that kind of
diagnosis and immediately youknow, started asking for people
to pray.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
And then words were thrown out by a doctor that
Right.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
They were concerned that it could be a cancerous,
and so you know, with all thatgoing on, the words like
chemotherapy came up.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
You know, obviously, if you're listening, you know
you've had those experiences.
Those are stop stopping yourtracks moments.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Oh sure, yes, and and you know so I just had no idea,
I hadn't, had just didn't seethat coming at all.
Um, but you know, instantlywent to our church and and had
some women Lindsay and Shannonpray with me and you know, just
(04:10):
kind of settle me down and just,you know, really started just
focusing on healing for my bodyand just really praying into
that.
So, like I said, this wasaround September, mid-september.
So then the neurosurgeon that Ifound.
I found an amazing neurosurgeon.
He said let's go back in, we'lldo a second MRI with contrast.
(04:31):
And so after that MRI was done,they noticed that from the
first one to that one, which wasonly about two or three weeks
difference time-wise, that thelesion, the little tumor, was
already beginning to shrink.
So I was very excited and justreally believing that Jesus was
taking care of it.
And so he said you know, we'rejust going to wait three months
(04:57):
and then I'm going to have yougo back and get an MRI after the
first of the year, which wouldhave been now, you know, around
this time.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
We had such for some of you out there, that we had
such truly Philippians.
4, peace.
That surpasses understanding.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
That did not make sense in that moment, even when
you got that initial, that firstdoctor said you know cancer and
chemotherapy, said you knowcancer and chemotherapy.
After the momentary shock ofthat, that's when faith and
community and belief we justchose.
(05:35):
We chose to put that in theforefront of our thinking and
how we view things and just wewent.
Not only were you going afterit in the natural sense, looking
at you know herbs and how toeat healthy and all those things
and what could you take?
You know supplements for that,but the power of prayer just
kicked in and it's so reassuring, you know, when you have a
(06:00):
community, that just man locksarms and said let's pray.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
Let's go after this.
It's absolutely amazing.
So thankful, so, so thankful.
So I went back for my follow-up, mri, with contrast this is
where it gets good yeah, abouttwo or three weeks ago.
And then I had my follow-upappointment with the
neurosurgeon, who walked in tosee me, smiling ear to ear,
carrying his laptop, and told mehe had very good news and the
(06:27):
lesion was completely gone.
Yes, yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
You know what that deserves?
Yay, jesus, that deserves this.
Wait, oh shoot, I thought I hadit.
Sorry, I thought I had.
Yes, there it is.
I haven't used a sound effectin a while.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
That's awesome.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
And that's what happened this morning at church.
When you shared it, it was justlike that.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Everybody was like, woo, yeah, and so just so
thankful, so thankful, and yes,definitely, giving Jesus all the
glory and all the honor and hereceives a reward for his
suffering, for the healing of mybody and um, so anyway, so that
that talking about a high, thatthat you know, new job lesions
gone, you know, and and we'vebeen just focused, you know, on,
(07:16):
um, this whole new season thatwe're in, we're in a new home,
or you know, right now we'resitting, uh, recording, you know
, in a in a new space, thatwe've been here maybe now three
months and we're living on 16acres instead of a little tiny
plot in the middle of the city.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
I think I mentioned it, but just in case I didn't,
because I just I feel the sameway about what I'm about to say,
how I feel about Okra, Just soyou know, some of you have been
listening.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
No, I have a huge love of Okra Bought a tractor
listening know I have a hugelove of okra bought a tractor.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
For those who don't know that, now you do that.
You know I love okra, but Ibought a tractor yes when we
bought the farm, so that is.
That's been pretty awesome yeah.
I love my tractor.
I am the in the envy of justabout every man at our church,
so I all your buddies all mybuddies love when I post stuff
on Instagram, whatever about meon the tractor.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
So that's, that's been a great and then Rob's
bringing up okra, because itsounds like that just came out
of nowhere.
But we, we grow, we have, youknow, vegetable garden Okra does
not come out of nowhere.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
People, it takes effort, it and there's many
other vegetables and springscoming, so we're excited,
absolutely Well, we've got thatgoing on.
We also just so you know you'llbe hearing some probably
commercials on when we do thispodcast Just launched a new
(08:38):
podcast for men.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
Called Just Everyday.
Guys, won't you actually talkabout that?
You got to hear us talk aboutthat called Just.
Speaker 2 (08:44):
Everyday Guys.
Won't you actually talk aboutthat?
You got to hear us talk aboutthat.
It was really fun to be in thehouse listening to Rob and three
of his buddies record the firstpodcast for Just Everyday Guys
and the whole idea of thepodcast.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
You got some insight, didn't you?
I?
Speaker 2 (08:55):
did.
It was great Just listening toyou kind of bounce off of each
other, the four of you talkingtogether and sharing what I
thought was really vulnerablemoments in your lives.
You're really like honest andopen and talking about the highs
and lows and the expectationsthat men deal with as far as who
(09:18):
they should be as husband or asmen in general, yeah.
Dad's the whole, the whole thing.
Yeah, just being a man, and soit was the whole thing.
Yeah, yeah, just being a man,and so it was.
It was great and I highlyrecommend it.
I think it's going to beawesome, and then I know you're
going to have some other guyskind of interchanging in and out
, you know, from episode toepisode and so yeah, so.
(09:40):
So guys out there give it alisten.
We know that some of the womenare listening.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Yes, I've had some women approach me and say thank
you so much for putting that out.
I've shared it with guys that Iknow that I think may be
needing that, so that was awonderful, unexpected result of
the podcast.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
Speaking of listening , speaking of talking.
That's kind of what we're goingto kind of dive into a little
bit today about how to be agreat speaker and be a great
listener and you brought thistopic up to me this week,
whatever.
So touch on a little bit, thenI'll come back.
I got some initial thoughts aswell, too.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
I was reading a book on communication and the book
started out simply by saying,when it comes to communication,
that you need a speaker and alistener.
And I don't know that, just itwas so simple.
But it just really kind of hitme, and I was thinking about it
from a marriage standpoint, thatfor you to have good
communication in marriage, ittakes a speaker and a listener.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
And that does sound very simple, doesn't it?
But maybe it's not as simple asit sounds.
Obviously not, or nobody wouldneed a podcast on marriage Right
or counseling.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Like Rob and I, our communication skill we both can
speak a lot and then thelistening part.
We've really that's beenprobably the big piece we both
have worked on.
Uh, you know, after all theseyears of marriage, that I would
say that is one takeaway that Iwould say that I know I've put a
lot of effort into is listeningbetter.
(11:20):
Uh, but today we're going totalk about how to be a good
speaker in marriage and this isjust so important, so so
important.
So we'll start off by using alittle term that we refer to as
the foreign language, and wetalk about this all the time
with couples when we're workingwith them and doing some
(11:42):
marriage coaching.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
So one of the number one yes, one of the number one
things that we, I don't know,stumbled across years ago when
we were first getting married,of understanding and again, this
sounds so simple when you sayit out loud that we are two
different people Really, and inthat uniqueness I had to learn.
(12:07):
So the concept of the foreignlanguage is this I speak Rob
really well and you speak Robinreally well, yeah, but what we
had to learn to do was speakeach other's language better.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
The number one thing.
This is something that's notnew, but I'm sure you may have
heard this before, but mostarguments come from when you're
talking too much from your pointof view.
How I see things, how I look atthings, and I'll say this
initially you've said this manytimes our personalities are very
(12:48):
similar, but again, like I said, we're two different people.
So learning to know that again,as you say these things out
loud, I'm kind of laughingbecause again, they sound so
elementary that you havedifferent views than I do, even
though we agree on a lot ofstuff.
I had to learn.
Wait a minute, I think I'mtalking too much, rob and not
(13:09):
enough.
Robin, that has, like you said,over time we've learned.
But I think and I know we'renot going to touch on this a lot
today, but it really is it'stwo parts there's speaking and
there's listening.
And I was going to ask you thisDon't you think that it's
(13:30):
amazing how many couples thatwe've talked to over the years
and their arguments are, youknow, circling the wagons around
this same type of situation orsame topic that they're dealing
with?
That the very thing thatthey're saying their spouse
isn't doing you know I'm notbeing heard is the very thing
that they need.
They're both wanting the samething, but we're so busy
(13:54):
speaking sometimes we're notlistening, and you've got to
know, you know again, to be agreat listener, you've got to be
a great speaker, right?
Speaker 2 (14:03):
So you know, I think we're saying this applies to
arguing.
I will say, you know again, tobe a great listener, you've got
to be a great speaker, right?
So you know, I think we'resaying this applies to arguing.
I will say, you know, when itcomes to the foreign language
piece as it pertains to arguing.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
And what is that definition?
In case somebody's listeningfor the first time, how do we
view what's our definition ofarguing?
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Oh, arguing, yes, we like to refer to it as
productive conflict.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
And what?
Speaker 2 (14:25):
does that mean?
Argument can be an amazingexperience If you walk away
learning something about yourspouse you didn't know before.
So when you approach anargument from a place of wanting
to learn and grow instead ofdefend and protect, you can
(14:48):
really use.
Use that as something that willbe useful, an amazing
experience that will draw youcloser.
Yes, and so I know it's hard toget into a lot of this right now
and really break all this down,cause I think we've got a lot
of different things to talkabout today, but I will say that
you know, when it comes toarguing, of course, the foreign
(15:11):
language piece very, veryimportant, but also in good
communication and listeningoutside of an argument, just to
grow closer.
It's an awesome thing to beable to learn more about your
spouse, because in learning moreabout their experiences
(15:31):
throughout their life and thenyou, in turn, sharing with them
about your own life, I think ithelps you have a better
understanding of each other andwhat your expectations are and
how you view the simplest ofthings and, honestly, by doing
that you prevent a lot ofarguments because you know each
(15:52):
other well because, you'reputting in the effort to know
each other.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
Well, right, and yes, and we kind of want to break
this down.
This is part of the categorythat you came up with of the how
, how to be a great speaker, theforeign language that we
mentioned, the productiveconflict and you've got and I
want you to kind of expound onthese things I not you words.
(16:19):
We test on the foreign languagea little bit Flooding and not
talking enough.
Yeah, again, it sounds sosimple, doesn't it Right?
Speaker 2 (16:28):
and this is all about how to be a good speaker.
So the how-tos.
We've already touched on theforeign language.
Probably enough for the moment,Using the word I instead of you
.
Now, this is different thanwhat Rob was saying, what you
were saying a while ago abouttalking too much about yourself.
This is really not the samething at all.
And this is going to againpertain to if you're in an
(16:53):
argument or you know somethingkind of rubbed you the wrong way
.
An argument or you knowsomething kind of rubbed you the
wrong way.
But it is important to sharewith your spouse how you're
feeling from your perspective,more than saying you know, you,
you hear me.
Let me tell you how you make mefeel.
You make me feel this and that,and when you do this, you know
and and those are dangerouswords.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
They're very dangerous words when you're when
the sentence starts with yougrenades, you grenades.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
it's like you know you're dropping the?
U bombs, um, but when you, whenyou flip that back around to
say, hey, when, when, when Iheard, heard you mention that
this is how I felt, I felt fillin the blank, you know.
So you're speaking more fromhow you are experiencing the
moment more than pointing out,um, the problem with them.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
You can say like what you just said when you said
this to me.
But you've got to make sure,like what you just said, bring
it back around to.
This is how it made me I takeit back to yourself feel and
that ability then to you knowit's real, I know we both are
(17:59):
doing the same thing.
We want to stay on track withthe speaker part, but obviously
it bleeds right over into thelistening as well too.
But you've got to have thatability to the other point talk
enough.
You've got to be able toexplain.
You can't just say words likeI'm fine, I'm okay or well,
(18:20):
let's just forget it.
That solves nothing.
You've got to have that abilityto communicate what you're
feeling.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Right.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
And one of the number one things that we see, that is
, you've got to know how topause and slow down and when you
feel yourself, maybe in thatmoment, when you're trying to
speak escalating, and when youfeel yourself, maybe in that
moment, when you're trying tospeak escalating.
You've got to be able to pullit back some so that you can
convey, because if the wholepoint of the conversation is to
connect productive conflict withthe person you love, the pace
(18:50):
is really important.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
Pace is very important, very, very important.
I told Rob that.
I told him today at lunch.
I said that the way that wecommunicate as a couple at times
is like a ping pong match,because we are wired very much
the same.
So now this can be even outsideof an argument, just in
(19:13):
day-to-day conversation.
I mean, you know, you canpicture two people playing ping
pong and you know it, it's justlike ping ping, ping, ping ping.
You know these guys like in theOlympics, they're like insanely
fast right?
Oh my gosh, I love watchingthose guys and there's times and
when we are arguing we can tendto just well you know, this and
this and this and this and thisand this, and we're ping pong
match into a golf game.
(19:35):
It would be very different.
Yeah, and within, within therealm of arguing, Not my golf
game, it's just clear.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Some of you have ever played golf with me.
Not my golf game.
Yet.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
But you know, I think that you know the there's so
much um methodical decisionmaking that goes into playing
golf.
And if you took that time to bethat methodical before you just
said something flippantly, itwould be pretty amazing.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
It would be pretty amazing Well all great golfers,
I mean, truly give so muchcredit to their caddy, because
that's the person they'retalking to, conveying what they
see, how they see it, and thenthat ability to speak, tell what
they need, and then pause andlisten to what they're saying of
(20:33):
you that have watched go, Imean.
You know you walk up.
You, especially when you'reputting you walk on the green.
You walk around the hole, yousquat down to look at the hole.
You, I mean all these things.
You're throwing grass in theair to see where the wind's
coming from.
So it's, it's not just there's,there's a pace again to that.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Different than the ping pong mat.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Right.
So with the arguing, it's allabout slowing slowing it down
when it comes to being a goodspeaker, to change the
conversation from beingreactionary to more of a
response.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
Which is one of our words of the how flooding.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Right, right, talk about that a little bit, so
flooding from what we've seenwith couples that we've met with
, especially if one spouse ismore of an extrovert and the
other is more of an introvert ora contemplator.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
I'm a high extrovert but I'm a very high contemplator
.
I need time to think.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
I was going to say yeah, you may need to explain
what that means to be acontemplator, In other words.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
I get my thoughts clear because, again, we don't
have time to go into this, but Idon't want to say anything out
of emotion, which is what youwere just saying two seconds ago
, so I try to slow down, sobefore I share, so I don't do
that which I've done in the,which I did in the past.
I slow down, take a to think,and you know that about me and
(21:58):
we've communicated.
That's again.
Think about what we're talkingabout today.
I had to learn to communicate.
That's part of my foreignlanguage.
I had to learn to communicate.
That I need a little time tothink before I speak.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
Yes.
So we might would say when weuse the ping pong analogy for us
, when it comes to us arguing,well, we might would say, when
we use the ping pong analogy forus and when it comes to us
arguing, maybe we're not so muchof a ping pong game as much as
we are in regular conversation,that we usually feed off of each
other back and forth and talkfast.
(22:32):
But we've seen with coupleswhen there is someone who needs
time to think things through andthen you've got another person
who is really wanting to get tothe resolve, needs to get to the
resolve.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Well, that would be more like what the?
Speaker 2 (22:42):
problem is yes, I'm definitely wired like that.
What can easily happen and justusing the us, our own marriage,
our relationship is an examplewhen Rob was taking time to try
to think through before he spokeback to me.
He's thinking through what hewants to say.
That's just such an oppositeway of doing things from what I
(23:08):
do that I assume that meant he'sshutting down on me.
He doesn't want to talk to me.
So, I'm going to just talk myhead off.
I am going to talk and talk andtalk and I am literally
flooding.
I'm flooding Rob with my words.
He is drowning in my words.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
It's okay.
If you're one of those people,I can.
I literally can hear people'sbrains right there on their
hearts as we're talking aboutthat.
If you're one of those people,it's that's okay it is okay, but
but, but it doesn't right I?
Speaker 2 (23:44):
I will say what I learned from that is it doesn't
help get to the resolve that'swhat I was.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
Yes even though it makes what I felt like I needed
to do in the moment because if Ican come up with the right
combination, right.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
Because, that's kind of the way that I am naturally
wired is there's a problem,something to fix, and you know,
if I can come up I'm like theguy at the safe.
That's like swirling those.
You know that dial around youknow, and I'm trying to find
that right combination, thatdoesn't work.
This, maybe this will work init.
You know that dial around.
(24:20):
You know, and I'm trying tofind that right combination,
that doesn't work.
This, maybe this will work init.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
So all all the time I'm ricocheting you with, you
know all the possibilities couldbe that you know in my mind and
all this is happening in realtime, and it's fast, and this
can happen for a man or a womanthat you can have this where you
flood, because what happens isit's literally what it means
You're drowning in words.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
For the person who needs time.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
So what we're talking about is learning how to be a
good speaker.
If that's how you havecommunicated before, that's
something that you need to beaware of, and if your husband or
your wife whatever the case maybe may say, hey, I'm lost, I
don't know, that's a sign,because that's part of it as
well, too.
So it's not only expressingyour needs clearly, but it's
(25:04):
also paying attention tononverbal clues.
Cues, cues, yes, or they couldbe.
Clues.
What if I was hiding it fromyou?
Cues I'm trying to cover upthere for my wrong words.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
That's pretty good, thanks.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
Anyway.
So it could be a cue.
And if you just steamroll overthat again productive conflict,
you're missing an opportunity tolearn how to speak your
spouse's language better,because it is a give and take.
You still need to be you, butif the whole purpose of it is to
(25:39):
have a conversation and learnsomething about your spouse,
you're going to have to adjusthow you, because, wouldn't you
say?
We've seen a lot of coupleswhere that's they're frustrated.
One is like we said, the houseone is talking so much they're
flooding, and then the other oneis not saying enough for the
spouse.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
Right, because that's the opposite of flooding, yeah,
not enough.
Right.
Some people flood and overcommunicate, to the point that
the other person is lost.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (26:12):
Or you're someone who doesn't know exactly what you
need, right, you're someone whodoesn't know exactly what you
need, right, and you so,therefore, you don't even know
how to share, how to talk aboutit, and and I and I get that,
and that's hard.
It's very hard when and andoften that that happens for
people who maybe didn't get tolike speak a lot as kids, you
(26:39):
know like parents that were veryoverbearing, or people in their
lives were very overbearing anddidn't really let them discover
who they are.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
So now or help them process through their emotions.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Right and ask them and now they're married and it's
like, what do I do?
Speaker 1 (26:54):
Exactly so.
There's no way that you're 20,30, 40, if you were told when
you were a kid, hey, basicallysuppress those things, or that
your feelings aren't asimportant because you're just a
kid.
So no wonder we.
But just like we kind ofchallenge the flooding people
with their words, we want to dothe same thing to you.
(27:15):
If you don't talk enough,you've got to learn to have.
One of the greatest gifts Ithink I gave myself and you is
when we would be in thosemoments, and once I learned to
recognize that you neededsomething different than me, I
was then able to say I want youto know I've heard you, but I
(27:37):
need time to process this.
But my promise was to you andit really changed how we
communicate and how you speakwas I will get back to you.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
So again, I had to tell you what you needed as well
too, and I had to adjust how Idid that, and I had to make sure
to follow up with you, you know, and not just let it go.
You know, go two weeks laterand we still haven't.
Because then now, now we'reheaded towards not just an
argument but a fight, becausewe've left something so
unresolved for so long.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
Yes, yeah, that's true, and I will say again,
because we're talking aboutusing being a good speaker in,
in arguments, but also outsideof arguments, even just you know
, learning about each other, theway people are wired some
people love the details, youknow, it's like all the details.
They want to know every littlething.
(28:29):
Other people they enjoy likemore of an overview approach.
Okay, so again, still usingthat you're not speaking enough
versus over communication andwords flooding.
I think we also see that evenin just sharing every day
anything you know, some peoplethey're almost exhausted by
(28:54):
every little detail of a day,you know.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
Let me ask you a question yeah and I because you,
I think you're going to see inthe in these two episodes is how
the speaking and the listeningare so crucial, how they
interact with each other.
Right again, I know this soundssimple, but something that
you've done so well over thelast few years and you've
developed and I've tried tolearn from that is when you're
(29:23):
sharing, again, slowing down andpausing, reading the body
language.
Sometimes you ask me a questionand then sometimes you just
wait.
Speaker 2 (29:33):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (29:34):
But if my nonverbal cues Mm-hmm, I didn't write that
down Cues are telling you thatI may be flooded, you've learned
to stop and go.
Hey, are we in sync here, right?
Is there any questions that youhave for me?
Am I making myself clear?
(29:55):
Yeah, or how did you hear that?
So that part of speaking isjust asking questions is just as
are so important.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
Yes, To the speaking process.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
Absolutely Of sharing .
Yes, that's good, that's reallygood.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Well, you've done that.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
Oh well, thank you.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
Yay me Okay.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
So we talked about how to be a good speaker.
So now, why don't we flip?
Speaker 1 (30:24):
So when is, when is a good time?
Speaker 2 (30:27):
When do we speak?
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (30:29):
Okay, timing and timing is everything.
It is Right.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
What does that mean?
Well, I'm going to.
I'll try to connect all thesedots.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
So if you're someone who really wants to get to
resolve right, and there's a lotof us out there, there are, and
you know you just somethingfeels broken.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
You feel like you're kind of on the outside looking
in.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
Well, tell that story .
I love that analogy, when youshare how you feel we're
disconnected.
Oh yeah, we're disconnected,yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:01):
So yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Visually.
This is such a great visualyeah.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
So to me it feels like, if I am disconnected from
Rob, it's sort of like I'm outin the front yard and I'm
looking in through, like we havea big window even in the house
we're living in now the newhouse same thing.
There's this big window in theliving room.
So if I'm in the yard, lockedout of the house, because that's
what it feels like I'm lockedout of the house, uh, and I'm
(31:26):
looking through the window atyou and I see you in there.
I just want to get in the house.
I want to be in the house withyou, but I'm outside and so I'm
just going to find some way toget back in this house.
I'm going to try to pick thefront door lock, I'm going to
check every window and I'm just,you know, like frantically
trying to figure out how do Iget back in this house.
I just want to be back in thishouse.
(31:47):
You know I'm disconnected andthat's kind of how I for a long
time, how I viewed that.
Like you know, I'm locked outof the house.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
And we're talking about emotional disconnect.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
Yes, and emotional Right.
Yeah, you would never lock meout of the house or like wave.
I'm sorry, but I wish you wereback in here with me.
No, we're not talking aboutthat, people.
Speaker 1 (32:07):
I love that voice that was so good?
Speaker 2 (32:10):
I don't think you've ever sounded like that but, it
just came out of nowhere youknow.
So, um, but yeah, uh, yeah,we're just using that as a what
are those?
Speaker 1 (32:20):
even she's thinking about me.
An analogy she's thinking aboutme blocking her out of the
house.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
And so you know, I think that's a it can be such an
issue for someone that thenthat bleeds over not only into
how we communicate but when wedo like in the most inopportune
times.
You know, I've got to talk toyou right now because I'm I'm
disconnected and I'm freakingout, you know.
Um.
So it's like take a breath.
If you're one of those kinds ofpeople, we're going to take a
(32:47):
breath and we're going to reallythink about the timing, because
in communication, the bottomline is that you want to not
only feel seen and heard, youwant your spouse to feel like
they're being seen and heard andyou want to communicate in a
way that they understand.
(33:07):
And isn't that the goal?
Speaker 1 (33:09):
Right.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
You know, really, isn't that the goal of fight?
Like we've've said many times,is like a winner and a loser,
but loser, did I say loser,loser.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
You're looking at the wrong person to correct you
with words that is not my,that's not me.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
Oh, man, you know.
But instead of having a winneror loser.
You know you want to, butinstead of having a winner or
loser, you know you want to.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
Yeah, because again a fight is you're right or I'm
wrong, or I'm right.
And since you admit, I'm right.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
Sure, that's horrible .
Speaker 1 (33:41):
That's not where we want to be.
Speaker 3 (33:42):
No.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
So the win, the timing of that is crucial for
some couples that we've talkedto.
They literally set a schedule.
They say, hey, we need to talkabout this, and I think that can
be beneficial because, again,it mentally, emotionally,
spiritually prepares you forthat, that you know you're going
to talk about it.
(34:03):
So if you've had time that youneed to think about what you
want to say, I think that's asgood as well too.
Speaker 2 (34:08):
I do.
I think it's good too.
I think that, for people whowant to get to the resolve right
away, I think you need to askyourself why you know, why do
you have to?
Why does this need to beresolved right here, right now?
Speaker 1 (34:25):
You might find that Well, I just need to know.
Speaker 2 (34:27):
Yeah, I need to know, I want this fixed and this has
just got to be.
You know we've got to take timeright now, right this very
instant.
I think you know there's a lotof that that could be based in
fear, like trauma from somethingprobably that happened before,
that didn't go well.
Speaker 1 (34:41):
But the question you have to ask yourself.
We didn't get here overnight.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
Right.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
So, realistically, we're not going to fix it in
these next five to 30 or twohours.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
I mean you might, I mean maybe, but to say that's
the expectation every time, thatit's going to be a self-fix,
then let me clarify that.
Speaker 1 (34:59):
What I'm saying is, as you learn this process and we
are living examples of this wehardly ever fight.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
Right, yeah, I don't think we do.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
Yeah, we have arguments or even disagreements,
but even in that a simplephrase, we sense it so much now
we go, hey, are we headed for anargument?
We say that out loud and thatkind of jolts us back into what
is going on?
Speaker 2 (35:29):
what's got us to this ?
Speaker 1 (35:29):
place.
It's jarring.
Yes, you know what is going on,what's got us to this place,
Because most couples that wetalk to again it's this
merry-go-round of the sameargument.
But as you start learning howto communicate, how and when,
then you're able to get off thatcarousel and then you'll start
(35:51):
learning how to get to a placeof resolve quicker.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (35:55):
And that's I think oh , this is hitting me, that's the
key point.
You're never going to agree oneverything.
You're always going to havesome type of argument Again,
opportunity to learn, because wenever want to quit learning
about our spouse.
But the length of thosearguments and how they come
about, you're able to I don'tknow, maybe not that word, I'm
(36:16):
going to use this word.
If you have another word jumpin, push through so that you can
get to that place of resolveand it's not a lengthy thing.
And then, three months later,you're having the same
disagreement.
You learn how to resolve it.
You go oh okay, well, I didn't.
I didn't know that's what youactually meant when you said
that.
So you're able to shorten that.
(36:36):
But that can only happen.
When you start doing some ofthese things, learn how to pause
and learn how to slow down andknow when to talk Again.
What's the little acronym?
Halt?
Speaker 2 (36:46):
Yeah, halt, so you never get into a big old deep
conversation.
Speaker 1 (36:52):
If you're hungry?
I sound like myself from to abig old deep conversation, if
you're hungry alone angry, yes,angry.
If you're arguing with yourself, that's another podcast.
Angry I think L's for lonelyMaybe, and the T is for tired.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (37:12):
Right.
Speaker 2 (37:12):
I think that sounds right.
Speaker 1 (37:14):
You got me laughing so much.
Speaker 2 (37:15):
HALT the acronym Hungry angry lonely or tired?
Speaker 3 (37:20):
Yeah, that's got to be right.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
If that's not right, somebody will text us and tell
us yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:24):
Like, have you ever started an argument?
But it's about dinner time andyou're both starving, and then
you spent an hour or twogrinding out something, and then
the food's cold and oh, oh,terrible.
Speaker 1 (37:37):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (37:38):
You can't do that, yeah.
And then, lastly, ok, so we'vehit on how to be a good speaker,
when to speak, and the last oneI thought might be interesting
to talk about for a few minutesis where to speak.
So where are you when youdecide to have conversations,
(37:59):
especially difficultconversations?
Now, if it's just funconversations where you're
learning more about each other,gosh, I mean, I think anytime's
great, so that's awesome.
But when it's going to be, yes,we were right.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
Hungry, angry, lonely , tired.
Speaker 2 (38:14):
Okay, I just wanted to make sure.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
Okay, good job.
Speaker 2 (38:16):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (38:16):
Way to go brain.
Yeah, so this one is somewhatfunny Well, I shouldn't say
funny, bad choice of words,maybe.
But we have couples that tellus we went over to my mom's
house and we got in a big oldargument right before we walked
in the door, right?
Well, that's not the time tobring up those deep things.
Speaker 2 (38:38):
No, Not when you're in the car.
Heading to your in-laws is nota good time to communicate.
Speaker 1 (38:43):
Or if you're going on a date.
How many couples we've talkedto get in an argument going out
for a date?
Speaker 2 (38:48):
Right, right, you finally find time for a date
night and then you get into somedisagreement.
Speaker 1 (38:56):
Yeah, I'm just going to say stop doing that, don't do
it.
Speaker 2 (38:59):
Right or on vacation, you go on a vacation.
It's like.
Now I'm going to share thedeepest, darkest regrets and
pain I have and what I'maggravated with you about.
No, that is not good.
Speaker 1 (39:10):
That is not good.
And then this one definitely Iwant to say this the right way.
I believe there's just likewhen there's a place on the
couch.
I usually set the same placewhen I get up in the morning and
that's where I have my time ofmeditation and I read my
scriptures and do that andthat's kind of my spot.
And the bedroom needs to be aplace if you can really do your
(39:34):
best to not argue in the bedroom.
Yes, like setting a goodboundary to say this is a spot
that is a safe place For us forintimacy and this is a place
where it's our place, away fromeverybody else, and that's just
because the environment thatyou're in, because you think
about it, I mean, if that'swhere you argue a lot, there's
(39:55):
memories that you're creatingthere that's just not, they're
not healthy visually for you tohave.
Speaker 2 (40:01):
Right, yeah.
So I think what we're saying isa set of boundaries and suggest
you all out there setboundaries to say, hey, you know
what?
The bedroom is not going to bea place where-.
Speaker 1 (40:11):
Or right before you go to bed, even.
Speaker 2 (40:12):
Right, because, yeah, talking about timing, yeah,
when?
No, not right before you go tosleep.
We have met couples, we havetalked to couples that they get
in these arguments around nineo'clock, 10 o'clock at night,
and then they're up to one andtwo in the morning and then
typically by then they're sofried from arguing they can't
(40:35):
even sleep.
The next day is rough.
Speaker 1 (40:38):
Just think about what that does to you mentally,
emotionally, spiritually, rightbefore you go.
I mean it's a proven fact Justwatching a war movie before you
go, your brain is just sostimulated it's just not healthy
for you.
And then try to relax and havethat place of where rest is
supposed to happen.
So that's stop it.
Don't do it.
Speaker 2 (40:58):
Don't do it at all.
Speaker 1 (40:59):
Yeah, we love you enough to tell you that so we've
talked about the how the whenand the where.
Hopefully, what we'd love foryou to do is, as you've listened
to this, talk to your spouseabout this.
If he or she is not listeningto our podcast, ask them hey,
(41:21):
let's go get on the RobinRobbins podcast.
It's great, but anyway, talkabout this and have that open
conversation and go.
Are we doing some of thesethings?
You know, am I flooding you?
Don't get offended if they sayyes.
Am I not talking enough?
Don't get offended if they sayyes.
(41:41):
Are we allowing things to buildup to such a place that we're
having these moments and thesedeep discussions at the wrong
time?
How can we, how we?
What's that?
We, not you, Right, how do wefix this?
Speaker 2 (41:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:59):
And then commit, like Robin said, healthy boundaries
to say we're not going to do it,we're not going to have these
discussions during this time orthe where you know we're not
going to do it right before wego to my mom's house, your mom's
house, whatever the case may be.
We're not going to do it ondate night.
Right and we're not going to doit.
I think what happens on datenight.
Tell me if you think I'm wrongon this.
(42:21):
I don't think I am.
I think because when youfinally slow down enough and a
date night feels that way,because maybe you've got a
babysitter with the kids andyou're actually not having to
cook in the kitchen and, youknow, wash the dishes and you're
sitting down, then when youfeel relaxed, you feel, oh,
(42:45):
now's a good time for me to, andit's really and it's really not
Enjoy your time as a husbandand wife, being together, not
feeling like you've got to.
That's not the moment to solveall the world's problems.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
Right, yeah, right.
Don't you think that's good?
Yeah, I agree with you.
Speaker 1 (42:55):
We hear that one a lot.
Speaker 2 (42:56):
We do.
We do when the date night goessideways.
Speaker 1 (43:00):
So, just like the bedroom, keep that separate,
protect that space.
Speaker 2 (43:06):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (43:07):
When you go out, enjoy just being with each other
, talk about trivial things, youknow, whatever the case may be,
but don't make those moments,don't steal those moments.
I guess is what I'm trying tosay.
Speaker 2 (43:18):
I like the way you just said that that's good.
Yeah, don't steal thoseprecious moments.
Speaker 1 (43:23):
Because they're hard to come by and so many couples
we talk to really have to putforth.
You know, and if you're hearingthis and you haven't done a
date night in a while, let's goget on it.
Yeah, you know those areimportant because those are the
things this is not just ussaying countless surveys of what
that means to your marriage.
You know, telling your wife oryour husband that you love them,
(43:45):
how much you appreciate them.
I was sending a text during theday.
I want you to know I wasthinking about holding each
other's hand.
I want you to know I wasthinking about holding each
other's hand when you're out inpublic.
All those small, what seems sosmall, are huge in longevity of
marriage.
Speaker 2 (43:59):
That's good bud.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
This was good stuff, that was a good topic, yeah, so
next time we're going to talkabout listening.
Talk about listening.
Yeah, do you have anything to?
Speaker 2 (44:11):
say I need to listen to.
Speaker 1 (44:12):
Not right now.
I was just trying to throw youa curveball right here.
Speaker 2 (44:16):
we should have had a video running because I'm
looking at you like what wellguys.
Speaker 1 (44:20):
Thank you for listening as always we we
appreciate you so much if thishas made an impact, hopefully,
on your marriage, on your life.
I'm not gonna just.
We just want more people, notjust to to us, but we want
people to have healthy marriages.
So share this with somebody youknow and just send them the
link.
Hey, I think you'll enjoy this.
(44:43):
I think this will help yourmarriage.
Speaker 2 (44:45):
Yeah, that's all I know, all right guys.
Well, hey, until the next time.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
Until the next time, see you.
Speaker 2 (44:50):
Bye.
Speaker 3 (44:52):
You've been listening to Marriage and Us, with your
hosts, Rob and Robin Adkins.
Stay up to date by followingthem on Instagram at
marriageandus underscore podcastand on Twitter at marriageandus
.
Also hit the follow button soyou never miss an episode from
your favorite couple.
You.
Hi, I'm Rob and I'm Robin.
Thanks for listening toMarriage and Us.
Each week we will talk aboutreal-life topics that couples
experience in everyday marriedlife.
So let's get to today's episode.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Why, hello everybody.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Hey, how are?
Speaker 2 (00:25):
you?
I'm good.
How are you doing?
I'm doing good.
Welcome to Marriage and Us.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Yeah, I'm Rob.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
I'm Robin.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Just in case this is your first time finding us.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Yeah, we want to say welcome, hi, how are you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:42):
We're good, if this is seriously your first time,
thanks for tuning in.
Uh, and either you found us orsomebody that we know or listens
to the podcast recommended us,so we never take it for granted
when somebody takes the time tohit the download or the play
button and listen to what thetwo of us have to say.
And talk about but, uh, yeah,it's's good.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
It is.
It's really good.
I mean, I think what makes ourpodcast, what makes our podcast,
what makes our podcastenjoyable, in my opinion, is
it's very conversational and youknow it's not scripted.
I'm sure if you've listened tomore than one or two.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
I mean we have faults .
We start with you can tell that.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
But we really just want to put these headsets on
and just talk about life, love,marriage, kids, all the things.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Opportunities, new things, yeah, yeah, it's been.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Highs and lows.
Highs and lows.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
It has been a at the time of this recording the last.
The last 30 days has been umjust a wild good time.
I mean, it's just been yeah,it's been one blessing.
Just call it what it is Afteranother a lot of highs.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
It has been.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
Yeah, I mean from um 30 days ago, got a new a little
less of that, but A little lessof that but I got a new job
offer.
I'm going to be working for anew company here in Nashville,
so I'm excited about that.
Yeah, you got.
I mean go ahead and share.
I mean I know you shared atchurch this morning your
testimony about what happenedwith you.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Yeah, I know I mentioned.
If you guys have been listening, Well, they better have been
listening.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
No, I'm sorry I'm joking, not really, but anyway.
I'm sorry I'm joking, notreally, but anyway.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
I have been dealing with some health issues from
last year and I don't know if Iever specifically said what the
health issues were.
Take a second.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Are you comfortable sharing about that?
Yeah, I can share real quick.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
So just started having some neuropathy type
issues around the spring lastyear in 2024.
And I just felt like my healthwas just off.
My body was off, not just notfeeling my best, and uh, if any
of you out there have had anyissues with your nerve endings,
(02:55):
it is.
It's it's pretty rough and soyou know, I just trying to just
figure things out and going tosee different doctors and having
different tests run, andfinally in September they said
they found a lesion in myT-spine, which is kind of like
your upper spine of your body,and this lesion was sort of
(03:18):
centered around like my spinalcord, around my shoulder blades,
and they were concerned and soI didn't expect that kind of
diagnosis and immediately youknow, started asking for people
to pray.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
And then words were thrown out by a doctor that
Right.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
They were concerned that it could be a cancerous,
and so you know, with all thatgoing on, the words like
chemotherapy came up.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
You know, obviously, if you're listening, you know
you've had those experiences.
Those are stop stopping yourtracks moments.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Oh sure, yes, and and you know so I just had no idea,
I hadn't, had just didn't seethat coming at all.
Um, but you know, instantlywent to our church and and had
some women Lindsay and Shannonpray with me and you know, just
(04:10):
kind of settle me down and just,you know, really started just
focusing on healing for my bodyand just really praying into
that.
So, like I said, this wasaround September, mid-september.
So then the neurosurgeon that Ifound.
I found an amazing neurosurgeon.
He said let's go back in, we'lldo a second MRI with contrast.
(04:31):
And so after that MRI was done,they noticed that from the
first one to that one, which wasonly about two or three weeks
difference time-wise, that thelesion, the little tumor, was
already beginning to shrink.
So I was very excited and justreally believing that Jesus was
taking care of it.
And so he said you know, we'rejust going to wait three months
(04:57):
and then I'm going to have yougo back and get an MRI after the
first of the year, which wouldhave been now, you know, around
this time.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
We had such for some of you out there, that we had
such truly Philippians.
4, peace.
That surpasses understanding.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
That did not make sense in that moment, even when
you got that initial, that firstdoctor said you know cancer and
chemotherapy, said you knowcancer and chemotherapy.
After the momentary shock ofthat, that's when faith and
community and belief we justchose.
(05:35):
We chose to put that in theforefront of our thinking and
how we view things and just wewent.
Not only were you going afterit in the natural sense, looking
at you know herbs and how toeat healthy and all those things
and what could you take?
You know supplements for that,but the power of prayer just
kicked in and it's so reassuring, you know, when you have a
(06:00):
community, that just man locksarms and said let's pray.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
Let's go after this.
It's absolutely amazing.
So thankful, so, so thankful.
So I went back for my follow-up, mri, with contrast this is
where it gets good yeah, abouttwo or three weeks ago.
And then I had my follow-upappointment with the
neurosurgeon, who walked in tosee me, smiling ear to ear,
carrying his laptop, and told mehe had very good news and the
(06:27):
lesion was completely gone.
Yes, yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
You know what that deserves?
Yay, jesus, that deserves this.
Wait, oh shoot, I thought I hadit.
Sorry, I thought I had.
Yes, there it is.
I haven't used a sound effectin a while.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
That's awesome.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
And that's what happened this morning at church.
When you shared it, it was justlike that.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Everybody was like, woo, yeah, and so just so
thankful, so thankful, and yes,definitely, giving Jesus all the
glory and all the honor and hereceives a reward for his
suffering, for the healing of mybody and um, so anyway, so that
that talking about a high, thatthat you know, new job lesions
gone, you know, and and we'vebeen just focused, you know, on,
(07:16):
um, this whole new season thatwe're in, we're in a new home,
or you know, right now we'resitting, uh, recording, you know
, in a in a new space, thatwe've been here maybe now three
months and we're living on 16acres instead of a little tiny
plot in the middle of the city.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
I think I mentioned it, but just in case I didn't,
because I just I feel the sameway about what I'm about to say,
how I feel about Okra, Just soyou know, some of you have been
listening.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
No, I have a huge love of Okra Bought a tractor
listening know I have a hugelove of okra bought a tractor.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
For those who don't know that, now you do that.
You know I love okra, but Ibought a tractor yes when we
bought the farm, so that is.
That's been pretty awesome yeah.
I love my tractor.
I am the in the envy of justabout every man at our church,
so I all your buddies all mybuddies love when I post stuff
on Instagram, whatever about meon the tractor.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
So that's, that's been a great and then Rob's
bringing up okra, because itsounds like that just came out
of nowhere.
But we, we grow, we have, youknow, vegetable garden Okra does
not come out of nowhere.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
People, it takes effort, it and there's many
other vegetables and springscoming, so we're excited,
absolutely Well, we've got thatgoing on.
We also just so you know you'llbe hearing some probably
commercials on when we do thispodcast Just launched a new
(08:38):
podcast for men.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
Called Just Everyday.
Guys, won't you actually talkabout that?
You got to hear us talk aboutthat called Just.
Speaker 2 (08:44):
Everyday Guys.
Won't you actually talk aboutthat?
You got to hear us talk aboutthat.
It was really fun to be in thehouse listening to Rob and three
of his buddies record the firstpodcast for Just Everyday Guys
and the whole idea of thepodcast.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
You got some insight, didn't you?
I?
Speaker 2 (08:55):
did.
It was great Just listening toyou kind of bounce off of each
other, the four of you talkingtogether and sharing what I
thought was really vulnerablemoments in your lives.
You're really like honest andopen and talking about the highs
and lows and the expectationsthat men deal with as far as who
(09:18):
they should be as husband or asmen in general, yeah.
Dad's the whole, the whole thing.
Yeah, just being a man, and soit was the whole thing.
Yeah, yeah, just being a man,and so it was.
It was great and I highlyrecommend it.
I think it's going to beawesome, and then I know you're
going to have some other guyskind of interchanging in and out
, you know, from episode toepisode and so yeah, so.
(09:40):
So guys out there give it alisten.
We know that some of the womenare listening.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Yes, I've had some women approach me and say thank
you so much for putting that out.
I've shared it with guys that Iknow that I think may be
needing that, so that was awonderful, unexpected result of
the podcast.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
Speaking of listening , speaking of talking.
That's kind of what we're goingto kind of dive into a little
bit today about how to be agreat speaker and be a great
listener and you brought thistopic up to me this week,
whatever.
So touch on a little bit, thenI'll come back.
I got some initial thoughts aswell, too.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
I was reading a book on communication and the book
started out simply by saying,when it comes to communication,
that you need a speaker and alistener.
And I don't know that, just itwas so simple.
But it just really kind of hitme, and I was thinking about it
from a marriage standpoint, thatfor you to have good
communication in marriage, ittakes a speaker and a listener.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
And that does sound very simple, doesn't it?
But maybe it's not as simple asit sounds.
Obviously not, or nobody wouldneed a podcast on marriage Right
or counseling.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Like Rob and I, our communication skill we both can
speak a lot and then thelistening part.
We've really that's beenprobably the big piece we both
have worked on.
Uh, you know, after all theseyears of marriage, that I would
say that is one takeaway that Iwould say that I know I've put a
lot of effort into is listeningbetter.
(11:20):
Uh, but today we're going totalk about how to be a good
speaker in marriage and this isjust so important, so so
important.
So we'll start off by using alittle term that we refer to as
the foreign language, and wetalk about this all the time
with couples when we're workingwith them and doing some
(11:42):
marriage coaching.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
So one of the number one yes, one of the number one
things that we, I don't know,stumbled across years ago when
we were first getting married,of understanding and again, this
sounds so simple when you sayit out loud that we are two
different people Really, and inthat uniqueness I had to learn.
(12:07):
So the concept of the foreignlanguage is this I speak Rob
really well and you speak Robinreally well, yeah, but what we
had to learn to do was speakeach other's language better.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
The number one thing.
This is something that's notnew, but I'm sure you may have
heard this before, but mostarguments come from when you're
talking too much from your pointof view.
How I see things, how I look atthings, and I'll say this
initially you've said this manytimes our personalities are very
(12:48):
similar, but again, like I said, we're two different people.
So learning to know that again,as you say these things out
loud, I'm kind of laughingbecause again, they sound so
elementary that you havedifferent views than I do, even
though we agree on a lot ofstuff.
I had to learn.
Wait a minute, I think I'mtalking too much, rob and not
(13:09):
enough.
Robin, that has, like you said,over time we've learned.
But I think and I know we'renot going to touch on this a lot
today, but it really is it'stwo parts there's speaking and
there's listening.
And I was going to ask you thisDon't you think that it's
(13:30):
amazing how many couples thatwe've talked to over the years
and their arguments are, youknow, circling the wagons around
this same type of situation orsame topic that they're dealing
with?
That the very thing thatthey're saying their spouse
isn't doing you know I'm notbeing heard is the very thing
that they need.
They're both wanting the samething, but we're so busy
(13:54):
speaking sometimes we're notlistening, and you've got to
know, you know again, to be agreat listener, you've got to be
a great speaker, right?
Speaker 2 (14:03):
So you know, I think we're saying this applies to
arguing.
I will say, you know again, tobe a great listener, you've got
to be a great speaker, right?
So you know, I think we'resaying this applies to arguing.
I will say, you know, when itcomes to the foreign language
piece as it pertains to arguing.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
And what is that definition?
In case somebody's listeningfor the first time, how do we
view what's our definition ofarguing?
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Oh, arguing, yes, we like to refer to it as
productive conflict.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
And what?
Speaker 2 (14:25):
does that mean?
Argument can be an amazingexperience If you walk away
learning something about yourspouse you didn't know before.
So when you approach anargument from a place of wanting
to learn and grow instead ofdefend and protect, you can
(14:48):
really use.
Use that as something that willbe useful, an amazing
experience that will draw youcloser.
Yes, and so I know it's hard toget into a lot of this right now
and really break all this down,cause I think we've got a lot
of different things to talkabout today, but I will say that
you know, when it comes toarguing, of course, the foreign
(15:11):
language piece very, veryimportant, but also in good
communication and listeningoutside of an argument, just to
grow closer.
It's an awesome thing to beable to learn more about your
spouse, because in learning moreabout their experiences
(15:31):
throughout their life and thenyou, in turn, sharing with them
about your own life, I think ithelps you have a better
understanding of each other andwhat your expectations are and
how you view the simplest ofthings and, honestly, by doing
that you prevent a lot ofarguments because you know each
(15:52):
other well because, you'reputting in the effort to know
each other.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
Well, right, and yes, and we kind of want to break
this down.
This is part of the categorythat you came up with of the how
, how to be a great speaker, theforeign language that we
mentioned, the productiveconflict and you've got and I
want you to kind of expound onthese things I not you words.
(16:19):
We test on the foreign languagea little bit Flooding and not
talking enough.
Yeah, again, it sounds sosimple, doesn't it Right?
Speaker 2 (16:28):
and this is all about how to be a good speaker.
So the how-tos.
We've already touched on theforeign language.
Probably enough for the moment,Using the word I instead of you
.
Now, this is different thanwhat Rob was saying, what you
were saying a while ago abouttalking too much about yourself.
This is really not the samething at all.
And this is going to againpertain to if you're in an
(16:53):
argument or you know somethingkind of rubbed you the wrong way
.
An argument or you knowsomething kind of rubbed you the
wrong way.
But it is important to sharewith your spouse how you're
feeling from your perspective,more than saying you know, you,
you hear me.
Let me tell you how you make mefeel.
You make me feel this and that,and when you do this, you know
and and those are dangerouswords.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
They're very dangerous words when you're when
the sentence starts with yougrenades, you grenades.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
it's like you know you're dropping the?
U bombs, um, but when you, whenyou flip that back around to
say, hey, when, when, when Iheard, heard you mention that
this is how I felt, I felt fillin the blank, you know.
So you're speaking more fromhow you are experiencing the
moment more than pointing out,um, the problem with them.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
You can say like what you just said when you said
this to me.
But you've got to make sure,like what you just said, bring
it back around to.
This is how it made me I takeit back to yourself feel and
that ability then to you knowit's real, I know we both are
(17:59):
doing the same thing.
We want to stay on track withthe speaker part, but obviously
it bleeds right over into thelistening as well too.
But you've got to have thatability to the other point talk
enough.
You've got to be able toexplain.
You can't just say words likeI'm fine, I'm okay or well,
(18:20):
let's just forget it.
That solves nothing.
You've got to have that abilityto communicate what you're
feeling.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Right.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
And one of the number one things that we see, that is
, you've got to know how topause and slow down and when you
feel yourself, maybe in thatmoment, when you're trying to
speak escalating, and when youfeel yourself, maybe in that
moment, when you're trying tospeak escalating.
You've got to be able to pullit back some so that you can
convey, because if the wholepoint of the conversation is to
connect productive conflict withthe person you love, the pace
(18:50):
is really important.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
Pace is very important, very, very important.
I told Rob that.
I told him today at lunch.
I said that the way that wecommunicate as a couple at times
is like a ping pong match,because we are wired very much
the same.
So now this can be even outsideof an argument, just in
(19:13):
day-to-day conversation.
I mean, you know, you canpicture two people playing ping
pong and you know it, it's justlike ping ping, ping, ping ping.
You know these guys like in theOlympics, they're like insanely
fast right?
Oh my gosh, I love watchingthose guys and there's times and
when we are arguing we can tendto just well you know, this and
this and this and this and thisand this, and we're ping pong
match into a golf game.
(19:35):
It would be very different.
Yeah, and within, within therealm of arguing, Not my golf
game, it's just clear.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Some of you have ever played golf with me.
Not my golf game.
Yet.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
But you know, I think that you know the there's so
much um methodical decisionmaking that goes into playing
golf.
And if you took that time to bethat methodical before you just
said something flippantly, itwould be pretty amazing.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
It would be pretty amazing Well all great golfers,
I mean, truly give so muchcredit to their caddy, because
that's the person they'retalking to, conveying what they
see, how they see it, and thenthat ability to speak, tell what
they need, and then pause andlisten to what they're saying of
(20:33):
you that have watched go, Imean.
You know you walk up.
You, especially when you'reputting you walk on the green.
You walk around the hole, yousquat down to look at the hole.
You, I mean all these things.
You're throwing grass in theair to see where the wind's
coming from.
So it's, it's not just there's,there's a pace again to that.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Different than the ping pong mat.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Right.
So with the arguing, it's allabout slowing slowing it down
when it comes to being a goodspeaker, to change the
conversation from beingreactionary to more of a
response.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
Which is one of our words of the how flooding.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Right, right, talk about that a little bit, so
flooding from what we've seenwith couples that we've met with
, especially if one spouse ismore of an extrovert and the
other is more of an introvert ora contemplator.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
I'm a high extrovert but I'm a very high contemplator
.
I need time to think.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
I was going to say yeah, you may need to explain
what that means to be acontemplator, In other words.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
I get my thoughts clear because, again, we don't
have time to go into this, but Idon't want to say anything out
of emotion, which is what youwere just saying two seconds ago
, so I try to slow down, sobefore I share, so I don't do
that which I've done in the,which I did in the past.
I slow down, take a to think,and you know that about me and
(21:58):
we've communicated.
That's again.
Think about what we're talkingabout today.
I had to learn to communicate.
That's part of my foreignlanguage.
I had to learn to communicate.
That I need a little time tothink before I speak.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
Yes.
So we might would say when weuse the ping pong analogy for us
, when it comes to us arguing,well, we might would say, when
we use the ping pong analogy forus and when it comes to us
arguing, maybe we're not so muchof a ping pong game as much as
we are in regular conversation,that we usually feed off of each
other back and forth and talkfast.
(22:32):
But we've seen with coupleswhen there is someone who needs
time to think things through andthen you've got another person
who is really wanting to get tothe resolve, needs to get to the
resolve.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Well, that would be more like what the?
Speaker 2 (22:42):
problem is yes, I'm definitely wired like that.
What can easily happen and justusing the us, our own marriage,
our relationship is an examplewhen Rob was taking time to try
to think through before he spokeback to me.
He's thinking through what hewants to say.
That's just such an oppositeway of doing things from what I
(23:08):
do that I assume that meant he'sshutting down on me.
He doesn't want to talk to me.
So, I'm going to just talk myhead off.
I am going to talk and talk andtalk and I am literally
flooding.
I'm flooding Rob with my words.
He is drowning in my words.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
It's okay.
If you're one of those people,I can.
I literally can hear people'sbrains right there on their
hearts as we're talking aboutthat.
If you're one of those people,it's that's okay it is okay, but
but, but it doesn't right I?
Speaker 2 (23:44):
I will say what I learned from that is it doesn't
help get to the resolve that'swhat I was.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
Yes even though it makes what I felt like I needed
to do in the moment because if Ican come up with the right
combination, right.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
Because, that's kind of the way that I am naturally
wired is there's a problem,something to fix, and you know,
if I can come up I'm like theguy at the safe.
That's like swirling those.
You know that dial around youknow, and I'm trying to find
that right combination, thatdoesn't work.
This, maybe this will work init.
You know that dial around.
(24:20):
You know, and I'm trying tofind that right combination,
that doesn't work.
This, maybe this will work init.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
So all all the time I'm ricocheting you with, you
know all the possibilities couldbe that you know in my mind and
all this is happening in realtime, and it's fast, and this
can happen for a man or a womanthat you can have this where you
flood, because what happens isit's literally what it means
You're drowning in words.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
For the person who needs time.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
So what we're talking about is learning how to be a
good speaker.
If that's how you havecommunicated before, that's
something that you need to beaware of, and if your husband or
your wife whatever the case maybe may say, hey, I'm lost, I
don't know, that's a sign,because that's part of it as
well, too.
So it's not only expressingyour needs clearly, but it's
(25:04):
also paying attention tononverbal clues.
Cues, cues, yes, or they couldbe.
Clues.
What if I was hiding it fromyou?
Cues I'm trying to cover upthere for my wrong words.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
That's pretty good, thanks.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
Anyway.
So it could be a cue.
And if you just steamroll overthat again productive conflict,
you're missing an opportunity tolearn how to speak your
spouse's language better,because it is a give and take.
You still need to be you, butif the whole purpose of it is to
(25:39):
have a conversation and learnsomething about your spouse,
you're going to have to adjusthow you, because, wouldn't you
say?
We've seen a lot of coupleswhere that's they're frustrated.
One is like we said, the houseone is talking so much they're
flooding, and then the other oneis not saying enough for the
spouse.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
Right, because that's the opposite of flooding, yeah,
not enough.
Right.
Some people flood and overcommunicate, to the point that
the other person is lost.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (26:12):
Or you're someone who doesn't know exactly what you
need, right, you're someone whodoesn't know exactly what you
need, right, and you so,therefore, you don't even know
how to share, how to talk aboutit, and and I and I get that,
and that's hard.
It's very hard when and andoften that that happens for
people who maybe didn't get tolike speak a lot as kids, you
(26:39):
know like parents that were veryoverbearing, or people in their
lives were very overbearing anddidn't really let them discover
who they are.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
So now or help them process through their emotions.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Right and ask them and now they're married and it's
like, what do I do?
Speaker 1 (26:54):
Exactly so.
There's no way that you're 20,30, 40, if you were told when
you were a kid, hey, basicallysuppress those things, or that
your feelings aren't asimportant because you're just a
kid.
So no wonder we.
But just like we kind ofchallenge the flooding people
with their words, we want to dothe same thing to you.
(27:15):
If you don't talk enough,you've got to learn to have.
One of the greatest gifts Ithink I gave myself and you is
when we would be in thosemoments, and once I learned to
recognize that you neededsomething different than me, I
was then able to say I want youto know I've heard you, but I
(27:37):
need time to process this.
But my promise was to you andit really changed how we
communicate and how you speakwas I will get back to you.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
So again, I had to tell you what you needed as well
too, and I had to adjust how Idid that, and I had to make sure
to follow up with you, you know, and not just let it go.
You know, go two weeks laterand we still haven't.
Because then now, now we'reheaded towards not just an
argument but a fight, becausewe've left something so
unresolved for so long.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
Yes, yeah, that's true, and I will say again,
because we're talking aboutusing being a good speaker in,
in arguments, but also outsideof arguments, even just you know
, learning about each other, theway people are wired some
people love the details, youknow, it's like all the details.
They want to know every littlething.
(28:29):
Other people they enjoy likemore of an overview approach.
Okay, so again, still usingthat you're not speaking enough
versus over communication andwords flooding.
I think we also see that evenin just sharing every day
anything you know, some peoplethey're almost exhausted by
(28:54):
every little detail of a day,you know.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
Let me ask you a question yeah and I because you,
I think you're going to see inthe in these two episodes is how
the speaking and the listeningare so crucial, how they
interact with each other.
Right again, I know this soundssimple, but something that
you've done so well over thelast few years and you've
developed and I've tried tolearn from that is when you're
(29:23):
sharing, again, slowing down andpausing, reading the body
language.
Sometimes you ask me a questionand then sometimes you just
wait.
Speaker 2 (29:33):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (29:34):
But if my nonverbal cues Mm-hmm, I didn't write that
down Cues are telling you thatI may be flooded, you've learned
to stop and go.
Hey, are we in sync here, right?
Is there any questions that youhave for me?
Am I making myself clear?
(29:55):
Yeah, or how did you hear that?
So that part of speaking isjust asking questions is just as
are so important.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
Yes, To the speaking process.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
Absolutely Of sharing .
Yes, that's good, that's reallygood.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Well, you've done that.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
Oh well, thank you.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
Yay me Okay.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
So we talked about how to be a good speaker.
So now, why don't we flip?
Speaker 1 (30:24):
So when is, when is a good time?
Speaker 2 (30:27):
When do we speak?
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (30:29):
Okay, timing and timing is everything.
It is Right.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
What does that mean?
Well, I'm going to.
I'll try to connect all thesedots.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
So if you're someone who really wants to get to
resolve right, and there's a lotof us out there, there are, and
you know you just somethingfeels broken.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
You feel like you're kind of on the outside looking
in.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
Well, tell that story .
I love that analogy, when youshare how you feel we're
disconnected.
Oh yeah, we're disconnected,yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:01):
So yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Visually.
This is such a great visualyeah.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
So to me it feels like, if I am disconnected from
Rob, it's sort of like I'm outin the front yard and I'm
looking in through, like we havea big window even in the house
we're living in now the newhouse same thing.
There's this big window in theliving room.
So if I'm in the yard, lockedout of the house, because that's
what it feels like I'm lockedout of the house, uh, and I'm
(31:26):
looking through the window atyou and I see you in there.
I just want to get in the house.
I want to be in the house withyou, but I'm outside and so I'm
just going to find some way toget back in this house.
I'm going to try to pick thefront door lock, I'm going to
check every window and I'm just,you know, like frantically
trying to figure out how do Iget back in this house.
I just want to be back in thishouse.
(31:47):
You know I'm disconnected andthat's kind of how I for a long
time, how I viewed that.
Like you know, I'm locked outof the house.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
And we're talking about emotional disconnect.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
Yes, and emotional Right.
Yeah, you would never lock meout of the house or like wave.
I'm sorry, but I wish you wereback in here with me.
No, we're not talking aboutthat, people.
Speaker 1 (32:07):
I love that voice that was so good?
Speaker 2 (32:10):
I don't think you've ever sounded like that but, it
just came out of nowhere youknow.
So, um, but yeah, uh, yeah,we're just using that as a what
are those?
Speaker 1 (32:20):
even she's thinking about me.
An analogy she's thinking aboutme blocking her out of the
house.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
And so you know, I think that's a it can be such an
issue for someone that thenthat bleeds over not only into
how we communicate but when wedo like in the most inopportune
times.
You know, I've got to talk toyou right now because I'm I'm
disconnected and I'm freakingout, you know.
Um.
So it's like take a breath.
If you're one of those kinds ofpeople, we're going to take a
(32:47):
breath and we're going to reallythink about the timing, because
in communication, the bottomline is that you want to not
only feel seen and heard, youwant your spouse to feel like
they're being seen and heard andyou want to communicate in a
way that they understand.
(33:07):
And isn't that the goal?
Speaker 1 (33:09):
Right.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
You know, really, isn't that the goal of fight?
Like we've've said many times,is like a winner and a loser,
but loser, did I say loser,loser.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
You're looking at the wrong person to correct you
with words that is not my,that's not me.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
Oh, man, you know.
But instead of having a winneror loser.
You know you want to, butinstead of having a winner or
loser, you know you want to.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
Yeah, because again a fight is you're right or I'm
wrong, or I'm right.
And since you admit, I'm right.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
Sure, that's horrible .
Speaker 1 (33:41):
That's not where we want to be.
Speaker 3 (33:42):
No.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
So the win, the timing of that is crucial for
some couples that we've talkedto.
They literally set a schedule.
They say, hey, we need to talkabout this, and I think that can
be beneficial because, again,it mentally, emotionally,
spiritually prepares you forthat, that you know you're going
to talk about it.
(34:03):
So if you've had time that youneed to think about what you
want to say, I think that's asgood as well too.
Speaker 2 (34:08):
I do.
I think it's good too.
I think that, for people whowant to get to the resolve right
away, I think you need to askyourself why you know, why do
you have to?
Why does this need to beresolved right here, right now?
Speaker 1 (34:25):
You might find that Well, I just need to know.
Speaker 2 (34:27):
Yeah, I need to know, I want this fixed and this has
just got to be.
You know we've got to take timeright now, right this very
instant.
I think you know there's a lotof that that could be based in
fear, like trauma from somethingprobably that happened before,
that didn't go well.
Speaker 1 (34:41):
But the question you have to ask yourself.
We didn't get here overnight.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
Right.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
So, realistically, we're not going to fix it in
these next five to 30 or twohours.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
I mean you might, I mean maybe, but to say that's
the expectation every time, thatit's going to be a self-fix,
then let me clarify that.
Speaker 1 (34:59):
What I'm saying is, as you learn this process and we
are living examples of this wehardly ever fight.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
Right, yeah, I don't think we do.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
Yeah, we have arguments or even disagreements,
but even in that a simplephrase, we sense it so much now
we go, hey, are we headed for anargument?
We say that out loud and thatkind of jolts us back into what
is going on?
Speaker 2 (35:29):
what's got us to this ?
Speaker 1 (35:29):
place.
It's jarring.
Yes, you know what is going on,what's got us to this place,
Because most couples that wetalk to again it's this
merry-go-round of the sameargument.
But as you start learning howto communicate, how and when,
then you're able to get off thatcarousel and then you'll start
(35:51):
learning how to get to a placeof resolve quicker.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (35:55):
And that's I think oh , this is hitting me, that's the
key point.
You're never going to agree oneverything.
You're always going to havesome type of argument Again,
opportunity to learn, because wenever want to quit learning
about our spouse.
But the length of thosearguments and how they come
about, you're able to I don'tknow, maybe not that word, I'm
(36:16):
going to use this word.
If you have another word jumpin, push through so that you can
get to that place of resolveand it's not a lengthy thing.
And then, three months later,you're having the same
disagreement.
You learn how to resolve it.
You go oh okay, well, I didn't.
I didn't know that's what youactually meant when you said
that.
So you're able to shorten that.
(36:36):
But that can only happen.
When you start doing some ofthese things, learn how to pause
and learn how to slow down andknow when to talk Again.
What's the little acronym?
Halt?
Speaker 2 (36:46):
Yeah, halt, so you never get into a big old deep
conversation.
Speaker 1 (36:52):
If you're hungry?
I sound like myself from to abig old deep conversation, if
you're hungry alone angry, yes,angry.
If you're arguing with yourself, that's another podcast.
Angry I think L's for lonelyMaybe, and the T is for tired.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (37:12):
Right.
Speaker 2 (37:12):
I think that sounds right.
Speaker 1 (37:14):
You got me laughing so much.
Speaker 2 (37:15):
HALT the acronym Hungry angry lonely or tired?
Speaker 3 (37:20):
Yeah, that's got to be right.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
If that's not right, somebody will text us and tell
us yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:24):
Like, have you ever started an argument?
But it's about dinner time andyou're both starving, and then
you spent an hour or twogrinding out something, and then
the food's cold and oh, oh,terrible.
Speaker 1 (37:37):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (37:38):
You can't do that, yeah.
And then, lastly, ok, so we'vehit on how to be a good speaker,
when to speak, and the last oneI thought might be interesting
to talk about for a few minutesis where to speak.
So where are you when youdecide to have conversations,
(37:59):
especially difficultconversations?
Now, if it's just funconversations where you're
learning more about each other,gosh, I mean, I think anytime's
great, so that's awesome.
But when it's going to be, yes,we were right.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
Hungry, angry, lonely , tired.
Speaker 2 (38:14):
Okay, I just wanted to make sure.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
Okay, good job.
Speaker 2 (38:16):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (38:16):
Way to go brain.
Yeah, so this one is somewhatfunny Well, I shouldn't say
funny, bad choice of words,maybe.
But we have couples that tellus we went over to my mom's
house and we got in a big oldargument right before we walked
in the door, right?
Well, that's not the time tobring up those deep things.
Speaker 2 (38:38):
No, Not when you're in the car.
Heading to your in-laws is nota good time to communicate.
Speaker 1 (38:43):
Or if you're going on a date.
How many couples we've talkedto get in an argument going out
for a date?
Speaker 2 (38:48):
Right, right, you finally find time for a date
night and then you get into somedisagreement.
Speaker 1 (38:56):
Yeah, I'm just going to say stop doing that, don't do
it.
Speaker 2 (38:59):
Right or on vacation, you go on a vacation.
It's like.
Now I'm going to share thedeepest, darkest regrets and
pain I have and what I'maggravated with you about.
No, that is not good.
Speaker 1 (39:10):
That is not good.
And then this one definitely Iwant to say this the right way.
I believe there's just likewhen there's a place on the
couch.
I usually set the same placewhen I get up in the morning and
that's where I have my time ofmeditation and I read my
scriptures and do that andthat's kind of my spot.
And the bedroom needs to be aplace if you can really do your
(39:34):
best to not argue in the bedroom.
Yes, like setting a goodboundary to say this is a spot
that is a safe place For us forintimacy and this is a place
where it's our place, away fromeverybody else, and that's just
because the environment thatyou're in, because you think
about it, I mean, if that'swhere you argue a lot, there's
(39:55):
memories that you're creatingthere that's just not, they're
not healthy visually for you tohave.
Speaker 2 (40:01):
Right, yeah.
So I think what we're saying isa set of boundaries and suggest
you all out there setboundaries to say, hey, you know
what?
The bedroom is not going to bea place where-.
Speaker 1 (40:11):
Or right before you go to bed, even.
Speaker 2 (40:12):
Right, because, yeah, talking about timing, yeah,
when?
No, not right before you go tosleep.
We have met couples, we havetalked to couples that they get
in these arguments around nineo'clock, 10 o'clock at night,
and then they're up to one andtwo in the morning and then
typically by then they're sofried from arguing they can't
(40:35):
even sleep.
The next day is rough.
Speaker 1 (40:38):
Just think about what that does to you mentally,
emotionally, spiritually, rightbefore you go.
I mean it's a proven fact Justwatching a war movie before you
go, your brain is just sostimulated it's just not healthy
for you.
And then try to relax and havethat place of where rest is
supposed to happen.
So that's stop it.
Don't do it.
Speaker 2 (40:58):
Don't do it at all.
Speaker 1 (40:59):
Yeah, we love you enough to tell you that so we've
talked about the how the whenand the where.
Hopefully, what we'd love foryou to do is, as you've listened
to this, talk to your spouseabout this.
If he or she is not listeningto our podcast, ask them hey,
(41:21):
let's go get on the RobinRobbins podcast.
It's great, but anyway, talkabout this and have that open
conversation and go.
Are we doing some of thesethings?
You know, am I flooding you?
Don't get offended if they sayyes.
Am I not talking enough?
Don't get offended if they sayyes.
(41:41):
Are we allowing things to buildup to such a place that we're
having these moments and thesedeep discussions at the wrong
time?
How can we, how we?
What's that?
We, not you, Right, how do wefix this?
Speaker 2 (41:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:59):
And then commit, like Robin said, healthy boundaries
to say we're not going to do it,we're not going to have these
discussions during this time orthe where you know we're not
going to do it right before wego to my mom's house, your mom's
house, whatever the case may be.
We're not going to do it ondate night.
Right and we're not going to doit.
I think what happens on datenight.
Tell me if you think I'm wrongon this.
(42:21):
I don't think I am.
I think because when youfinally slow down enough and a
date night feels that way,because maybe you've got a
babysitter with the kids andyou're actually not having to
cook in the kitchen and, youknow, wash the dishes and you're
sitting down, then when youfeel relaxed, you feel, oh,
(42:45):
now's a good time for me to, andit's really and it's really not
Enjoy your time as a husbandand wife, being together, not
feeling like you've got to.
That's not the moment to solveall the world's problems.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
Right, yeah, right.
Don't you think that's good?
Yeah, I agree with you.
Speaker 1 (42:55):
We hear that one a lot.
Speaker 2 (42:56):
We do.
We do when the date night goessideways.
Speaker 1 (43:00):
So, just like the bedroom, keep that separate,
protect that space.
Speaker 2 (43:06):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (43:07):
When you go out, enjoy just being with each other
, talk about trivial things, youknow, whatever the case may be,
but don't make those moments,don't steal those moments.
I guess is what I'm trying tosay.
Speaker 2 (43:18):
I like the way you just said that that's good.
Yeah, don't steal thoseprecious moments.
Speaker 1 (43:23):
Because they're hard to come by and so many couples
we talk to really have to putforth.
You know, and if you're hearingthis and you haven't done a
date night in a while, let's goget on it.
Yeah, you know those areimportant because those are the
things this is not just ussaying countless surveys of what
that means to your marriage.
You know, telling your wife oryour husband that you love them,
(43:45):
how much you appreciate them.
I was sending a text during theday.
I want you to know I wasthinking about holding each
other's hand.
I want you to know I wasthinking about holding each
other's hand when you're out inpublic.
All those small, what seems sosmall, are huge in longevity of
marriage.
Speaker 2 (43:59):
That's good bud.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
This was good stuff, that was a good topic, yeah, so
next time we're going to talkabout listening.
Talk about listening.
Yeah, do you have anything to?
Speaker 2 (44:11):
say I need to listen to.
Speaker 1 (44:12):
Not right now.
I was just trying to throw youa curveball right here.
Speaker 2 (44:16):
we should have had a video running because I'm
looking at you like what wellguys.
Speaker 1 (44:20):
Thank you for listening as always we we
appreciate you so much if thishas made an impact, hopefully,
on your marriage, on your life.
I'm not gonna just.
We just want more people, notjust to to us, but we want
people to have healthy marriages.
So share this with somebody youknow and just send them the
link.
Hey, I think you'll enjoy this.
(44:43):
I think this will help yourmarriage.
Speaker 2 (44:45):
Yeah, that's all I know, all right guys.
Well, hey, until the next time.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
Until the next time, see you.
Speaker 2 (44:50):
Bye.
Speaker 3 (44:52):
You've been listening to Marriage and Us, with your
hosts, Rob and Robin Adkins.
Stay up to date by followingthem on Instagram at
marriageandus underscore podcastand on Twitter at marriageandus
.
Also hit the follow button soyou never miss an episode from
your favorite couple.
You.
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