June 13, 2025 • 37 mins
Welcome back to another heartfelt episode of Marriage and Us! In this enlightening installment, hosts Rob and Robin delve into the beautiful symbiosis between personal wellness and the strength of your marriage and family life.
Episode Highlights:
- The Foundation of Self-Care: Rob and Robin explore the concept that a thriving marriage begins with each partner’s commitment to their own well-being. They share personal anecdotes and practical tips on how nurturing oneself can lead to a more loving and supportive relationship. After all, you can't pour from an empty cup!
- The Ripple Effect: Ever seen a stone dropped in water? The ripples spread outward, touching everything around it. This episode draws a parallel between personal health and family dynamics, illustrating how one person’s journey towards wellness can uplift the entire family unit.
- Communication and Connection: Discover how prioritizing mental and physical health fosters deeper communication and emotional connection between partners. Rob and Robin discuss techniques for improving dialogue, emphasizing the importance of vulnerability and active listening.
- Creating a Healthy Family Culture: The hosts dive into practical strategies for cultivating a family environment that prioritizes wellness. From shared activities to open discussions about emotions, learn how to create a nurturing space where everyone can flourish.
- Journey Together: Join Rob and Robin as they remind us that this journey is not a solitary one. They emphasize the power of partnership in health—how supporting each other through challenges can turn obstacles into stepping stones towards a stronger bond.
Takeaway: A healthier you equates to a healthier marriage, which naturally leads to a healthier family. Tune in for inspiration, laughter, and a treasure trove of actionable insights that will ignite your passion for personal growth and familial connection!
Listen now to embark on this transformative journey and disco
Music by - Roger Jaeger - from the album (Fall Off the Earth)
Produced by - Jared Nester
Outro by - Madison Nester
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hi, I'm Rob and I'm Robin.
Thanks for listening toMarriage and Us.
Each week we will talk aboutreal-life topics that couples
experience in everyday marriedlife.
So let's get to today's episode.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Hello everybody, hey out there how you doing, I'm
doing well there how you doing.
I'm doing well, how are youdoing?
Speaker 1 (00:29):
So well, we're just going to just jump right into
this episode.
We are sitting here trying torecord and then I think I
possibly could be being attackedby some bug.
It was on your head, summerticks, you know, or it's just,
(00:51):
it's just crazy.
So now, of course, we'resitting here feeling like we're
being we're itching and we'rebeing attacked.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Right, there was something crawling on your head.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
So there's that, and I went and got the little vacuum
because it fell off onto therug so we have vacuumed, and
then we're about to start again,and then I knock over a
complete glass of water thatpours over Robin's legs.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
And so that was exciting, and the podcast table.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Yes, and the table.
So we have went through sometrials and tribulations trying
to get to this today's episode.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
So I'm sitting here right now wearing a bicycle
helmet.
No, you're not.
Protecting myself from anythingelse that might have happened.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Yes, exactly, but we're glad to be back.
Yes.
And excited about today'sepisode.
Yeah, yeah, I think wementioned on the last episode
that I've said episode severaltimes here already.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Yes, that seems to be your buzzword.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
I recognize that that we had just finished up, about
a month ago, a four-week classthat we taught at our church for
couples, and during that classagain, we're not the one that
came up with this phrase, but itjust seemed to be something
that we discussed a lot.
(02:19):
But basically, in a nutshell,is this you know, a happy you or
healthy you equals a healthymarriage, equals a healthy
family.
Yes.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
But it starts with us individually.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Yes, yeah, and we, for as long as we've been doing
this not only the podcast, butdoing counseling and things of
that nature that is somethingyou know.
And let me just ask this I mean, I feel this episode is going
to feel very organic and we'regoing to.
It might seem like we'rechasing some rabbits, but I do
(02:57):
feel that we're going to getsomewhere.
Today, the phrase that we'veall heard hey, if you had to
marry somebody and they neverchanged from who they are right
now, would you still marry them?
Yes, I've heard that before.
Yes, and you and I have debatednot debated that.
(03:18):
We have discussed that, notdebated, because it sounds like
we're at odds about that, butwe've discussed that several
times and there's all kind ofdifferent theories on that.
But I think it's um, a little,it's.
It's not to the point.
I think when we're talkingabout a healthy you, healthy
marriage, healthy family, it'snot from the place of fixing,
(03:42):
but it is from the place ofrecognizing that change is
continual, and we've talkedabout that before in marriage.
It's unrealistic.
From the day I asked you out tothe day that I asked you to
marry me, to the day that yousaid I do, to now, 35 years
(04:03):
later, there's been lots ofchange.
Oh, absolutely, and it'scontinual.
Yes.
So the concept of understandinghow important it is for me to
work on myself and want to workon myself, I think that's where
the what's your thoughts on this.
I think that's where the rubcomes.
When you see a couple thatreally starts like, hit that
(04:30):
huge bump, the road where, likeyou know, hey, there's, there's
got to be a shift here.
You know we can't keep goingthe way we're going.
You know, and and it's not thatit's not blaming somebody but
if you're not willing to work onyourself and not willing to
make some and recognize that youneed to make some changes, it's
going to be very difficult tohave a healthy marriage, much
(04:53):
less a healthy family.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
So what do you mean by like a big bump in the road?
Speaker 1 (04:57):
Well, in other words, like sometimes we hear you know
he won't do this or she won'tdo that, we hear you know he
won't do this or she won't dothat, or you know we've talked
about this countless times andlike we've talked about with
arguing.
In other words, the same topicseems to keep coming up over and
over and over again, to theplace where frustration sets in
(05:20):
from one side of therelationship and it's just like
I can't take anymore.
I don't know what else I cansay for he or she to say.
I recognize that this is not ahealthy, whatever I'm doing, put
it you know, fill in the blank.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
So what I hear you saying is, when a couple kind of
gets to a place, to wherethey're in gridlock, okay, maybe
, okay.
Is that what?
You're?
Kind of Sure, I think so.
Yeah, yeah, like they, they.
There are certain issues thatfeel like can't, they can't be
(05:58):
resolved.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Right, Right, and we're, and we're not talking.
We've joked about this manytimes, but we're not talking
about folding towels.
We're not talking.
We've joked about this manytimes, but we're not talking
about folding towels.
We're just talking about notwilling to put forth effort
maybe is the word put fortheffort into developing
themselves, which, in turn,helps them have a healthier
marriage.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
Sure, I mean, I think that there are people who are
single and want to get married,but maybe they feel like if they
get married then things willget better, or magically fixed,
(06:41):
magically delicious, you know.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Well, we hear that with people with kids.
Sure, well, we hear that withpeople with kids.
Well, we're going to have ababy.
That's going to fix themarriage.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Yes, we've definitely met couples that fall into that
category.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
Because you can begin to pour yourself into a child,
more than to the marriage.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
Yes, well, your emotional tank can really be
filled by a baby, you know, bykids to such a place that you
don't leave capacity foryourselves as a couple and you
don't leave capacity foryourself.
You know, because when we'retalking about our individual
(07:25):
journey into wholeness andhealth, whether it be physical
health or mental health,emotional, health.
Sure.
Yeah.
I can absolutely see where thatcan happen.
A really fast paced world where, you know, there's not a lot of
(07:53):
space sometimes for forourselves.
Or I'll say because I knowthere was a part of me early on
in our marriage where I justfelt like I could not relax or
rest, just always go, go go, do,do, do you know that kind of
thing and, um the way that I waswired, that you know, as long
(08:13):
as you're accomplishing tasks,as long as you're completing
goals, then you are uh valuableyou know, and so when I would
think about even trying to taketime for myself, I really
couldn't even grasp that concept.
I don't think that I feel likethe uh, there was years ago this
(08:37):
was several years ago, when weworked at a church and had the
opportunity to uh, uh, you know,get into some really good
counseling for ourselves, right,and I remember that was one
thing that was pointed out to me.
It's like you know, you need tolearn how to rest more and
(08:57):
relax more, because you're, youknow, you're just you can't keep
up that pace.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
And that was the first time I had ever had
someone say anything like thatto me, right, or even realize
that that was something I neededto do well, let me ask you this
, and because we've beenlistening to a few different
things, different teachings anddifferent seminars, and even
(09:22):
some a festival we went torecently understanding that you
know, from a man's point of view, provide, provide, provide,
take care of, take care of, iskind of, you know, the sign
that's held above our heads thatthis is what a man is.
But I do and when I say this Ihonestly believe this I my, if I
(09:51):
you know, some of you know thatI recently launched a podcast
for guys called Just EverydayGuys Selfless.
Plug there for a movement wheremen begin to understand the
importance again taking care ofourself, of reaching out and
(10:14):
asking for help, and thenrecognizing the value of not
only taking care of yourself,but what that means to your
marriage and what that means toyour family, and let's just call
it what it is what that meansto your kids means to your
family or and let's just call itwhat it is, what that means to
your kids.
Because if, at the end of theday or the end of your lifetime,
(10:35):
all you've done is providemoney and stuff, that that's not
.
That that's not what you'regoing to be remembered by right
you know the money is going tocome and go, but the memories
that you make with your children, that you make with your wife
date nights or whatever the casemay be those are the things
(10:57):
that are last and those are thethings that are going to be that
.
There's a series of commercialsI think out in what
organization but it's like it'sbasically saying you don't have
to be a perfect parent, you justhave to be there.
Oh, that's good and so true.
Yeah, and that's what.
That's what we're talking about, because I these are facts,
(11:20):
these are not just stuff thatI've read.
These are men that I havespoken to and in the circle of
guys that I run with, of guysthat they talk to, of how many
say if I could trade anything, Iwould trade this amount of
money and this amount of successfor time and what I lost with
my kids.
Wow.
Wow yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
That's very powerful, but I have hope is what I'm
trying to say.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Yes, and it starts with conversations.
It starts with recognizing thatyou don't have to be on the
hamster wheel.
Right.
Again, I mean you've said it,I've said it countless times,
even what you were just talkingabout being single.
Be aware of what you'recommitting to.
(12:07):
Again, we've said it countlesstimes this is not a contract,
but, from a spiritual sense,this is a covenant that you're
making with somebody that I wantto spend the rest of my life
with you and you need to bewilling to say I got stuff I got
to work on.
We're not talking perfection,right, because nobody would get
(12:27):
married if that's the case.
But what we are talking aboutis a willingness again to say I
recognize there's some things inmy life that I need to work on,
and that goes back to and we'vesaid this so many times it's
having open and honestconversations about where you
are.
I mean that's the number onething.
When you said that we encourageand when we're doing premarital
(12:49):
, I mean that's another thing.
When you said that we encourageand when we're doing premarital
with somebody, that's what weencourage couples to really do
is talk about stuff.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Before they get married.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Sure, yes, yeah, we hopefully bring some questions
to the table they haven'tthought of before, so that they
learn more about each otherbeforehand.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
Right, absolutely, I think that's really great.
Yeah, and it goes back to whatyou've said so many times You've
got to ask, you've got to keepasking questions, because
questions lead to greatconversations.
Yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Curiosity is everything.
It really conversations.
Yes, yes, curiosity iseverything.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
It really is Absolutely.
And finding that I mean onceyou know again, today we're
talking about healthy you,healthy marriage, healthy family
.
I mean, what are some of thethings that you can think of
when it comes to walking that,that process out, when it comes
(13:52):
to a healthy you?
You know, from a, from awoman's point of view, you know,
I shared there, you know,asking for help.
As a man, knowing that and Ishare this all the time I was at
a meeting this morning andshared you know, I understand
that that that my transparency,my vulnerability with you has
made our marriage stronger, andyou see me stronger, not weaker,
(14:12):
because of it.
So, from a woman's point ofview, what's some advice that
you would give women that arelistening of how to work on
being a healthy you and I knowit's a broad stroke when I say
that, but what's what's some ofyour thoughts with that?
Speaker 2 (14:29):
I think one is finding ways to carve out time
for yourself as a woman, and Irealize there may be some young
moms out there are moms with youknow, with kids, where it's
like how, how is that possible?
maybe there are somestay-at-home moms where that
that really feels impossiblebecause you're, you know, with
(14:50):
your littles every day and yourlittles yeah, your littles and
your little ones little ones andum and that seems really
difficult, but I think thatexpressing the desire to have a
little bit of time carved outfor yourself in a situation like
(15:11):
with a young mom, to yourspouse, you know, to your, your
community, those that are aroundyou to see, you know what that
could look like.
Or maybe there's someone thatcould step in and watch, you
know, watch the littles, so youcan maybe, you know, get 30
minutes to yourself or an hourhere or there.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Let me ask you, would you say and I know, as men, we
could do a better job of thiswould you say that, and again,
there's no greater honor, oragain, it is a job, it's work.
You may not technically getpaid for it, but you know, with
(15:54):
a stay at home mom, do you thinkthat they recognize, obviously,
the amount of time that they'reputting in, that they take the
time to speak to their husbandor whatever, and say, hey, I
need.
I need this break.
I'm going to go hang out withmy one of my best friends.
We're going to get coffee, sure, and.
But how many think, really,follow through and ask for those
(16:17):
type of moments?
Right.
Because in their mind they justthey don't think they deserve
that, or or it seems possiblyselfish or A display of weakness
.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
I will say, you know, just like you were talking
about men being vulnerable andnot seen as weak, I think women
also wrestle with those kinds ofthings.
Vulnerability for women, youknow, could look like asking for
help, you know, because youwant to, you know, be Wonder
(16:54):
Woman.
You know, you want to do it all, you want to be able to, uh,
accomplish everything.
Um, you know what's that crazycommercial?
I mean, I'm showing my age, youknow.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
I, I can uh the song bring home the bacon in a pan.
Yeah, you know, cause I'm awoman, you know I I can uh the
song bring home the bacon fry upin a pan.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
yeah you know, because I'm a woman yeah, you
know I can do it, I can do itall yeah and uh, you know, and,
and I think, when you, which Ilove bacon.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Just to say.
If you want to fry that up in apan anytime, just have right at
it with some okra.
Um, that would be.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
I mean yeah that'd be delicious I got sidetracked,
that's okay, but, yeah, I thinkthat they're, you know, like.
So, going back to the originalquestion, you know, for women,
what does it look like to takecare of yourself and, you know,
be a healthy you?
Yeah, I think.
There it's just, I think it'salso finding a community of
(17:49):
women.
Just as much as men need men, I, I'm convinced, women need
women, sure, um, and women needto look for for me, you know, I,
I like to surround myself withwomen who are a little further
along the path than me, you know, maybe a woman that's a little
(18:09):
older or has, um, oraccomplished some things.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Maybe I haven't or on the other way, I know you hang
out with a few that are a littleyounger than you, but they are,
um, how's a nice way todescribe some of your ladies
that you, they're, uh, veryadventurous and, yes, bold and
out, not not outspoken andoutspoken in a negative way, but
just like you know I won't namenames here or whatever, but you
(18:38):
know who we're talking aboutout there, if you're Robert's
friend, but you know what I'msaying.
So that's another side, it'ssurrounding yourself with people
that are like-minded, yes, butalso, just like in marriage,
that bring contrast andcompliment, and because we need
to be pushed, we need to bechallenged.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
You know.
But you need that ability, theperson you're hanging with that
you can trust you can sharethose moments.
I mean I've got guys I'veshared super intimate stuff that
obviously I've shared with youbut that I know is a safe place.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
And that aren't going to judge me, no matter what
struggles I'm going through orwhatever thoughts that I've had
or whatever Right.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Oh, it's so helpful.
You know it is, it's so helpfuland you know, you and I, we are
a couple that we can justreally enjoy just hanging out
with each other.
Yeah, you know.
We've really worked on that thelast four or five years, but we
have worked on that because werealize that we need diversity
within our friendships.
And, yes, just like you said,some of the women that I run
around with, they are youngerthan me and they keep me young
(19:44):
because they yeah thatadventurous side, or, you know,
just getting out and just, youknow, doing, trying, trying new
things.
Yeah, you know, I absolutelylove that.
And I think another thing thatfor women, you know that, and
I'm speaking from experience isthat it's that thing of of that,
(20:06):
most women are task orientedfor the most part of that, most
women are task oriented for themost part, you know, I mean
there are some that are not, butmore often than not, over the
years the women we've met a lot,you know so.
So, like your house, you know,like you can just keep yourself
busy for hours, because it neverends, especially when you are a
mom with kids still under theroof with you.
I mean there's always going tobe a load of laundry that needs
(20:28):
to be done, there are alwaysgoing to be dishes in the sink,
there's always going to be aroom to dust or sweep and
there's, you know, and it canjust go on and on a bed to make,
and you know I could just keeprunning with it, but if you can
just let yourself, slow down andkind of let yourself off the
hook.
I don't know if you guys arefamiliar with that kind of
(20:49):
phrase, but what I mean by thatis like we keep ourselves on the
hook by saying I have to onceagain.
Like I said earlier, we have toachieve this certain standard.
You know, um, and a lot oftimes we learn that from our
mothers or our grandmothers.
I mean my gosh, my grandmother,my mom's mom.
(21:12):
I mean just never stopped.
And especially like when itcame to dishes.
You guys, just, I mean honestly, you could have done some sort
of bacteria test on the dishesafter she washed them and there
would be nothing there.
I've never seen a womanmeticulously scrub one fork for
(21:32):
45 seconds.
One fork, I mean in betweeneach tine of the fork.
You know, I mean justunbelievable.
So that's what I'm talkingabout.
You know, we all havegrandmothers or mothers or
mother-in-laws.
Maybe they come and we're like,oh, my gosh, you know, the house
needs to be spotless and thisneeds to be this and that and
that you know, and if we canjust take a breath and realize
(21:54):
it is not the end of the worldif the dishes sit in the sink
overnight, heaven forbid.
You know.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
Or we've seen also as well too, just saying this,
like you said, asking for help.
That you know.
I want to challenge most menout there.
You know, when you come in, yes, I understand you've had a
stressful day.
Maybe your boss yelled at you,maybe a deal didn't go through
that you expected, maybe I don'tknow, there's all kinds of
(22:22):
scenarios with that.
But to understand that when youwalk in the door, that your
wife has been, has went throughjust as much, or there's guys
that raise kids, you know,whatever the situation may be,
but that when you walk in thedoor, they've they've had a
stressful day as well too.
Yeah, so how how can you comein and partner with her so that
(22:43):
she can enjoy her evening?
You know just as much as youwant to enjoy yours, and that
may be.
You know we've seen familymembers that when the when the
dinner's done everybody, theyjust knock it out.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
Yeah, they just jump in.
Speaker 4 (22:56):
I mean, you've got three or four and it's done in
you know five minutes.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
Sure, I mean.
So there's ways to improve upon that is what we're trying to
say.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Yeah, and even with you know, if you don't have kids
, and it's just you know ahusband and a wife and you're
both working, come in, both areexhausted.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
You know when you can partner together.
It's not one person's job to dothe dishes.
Is what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Yeah, and I think that's so true.
It's our home, yeah, our home,and we've always believed that.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
Yes, for sure.
Yeah, so, so, healthy you whenit comes to healthy marriage.
Unfortunately, there's allkinds of statistics out there
right now that it would appearand I want to preference this
that the divorce rate isactually lower right now than it
(23:42):
has been in quite a while.
But the flip side of that isthat there's a generation that
is saying we're just going tolive together and try it out.
Sure, but I was just lookingthat you know that the
percentage of when theycohabitate, like that, that
(24:03):
typically still have a childeven though they're not married,
but the percentage of theparental breakup, is that by the
age of nine of the childthey've already split.
Wow.
So you know, just livingtogether is not the answer, or
just being married and trying tomake it work just for whatever
(24:26):
reason.
Again, it's going back to howdo I work and love on myself
well and have a healthy me, andsometimes that requires
professional help.
You know a mentor or a pastoror whatever the case may be.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
Good community.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
Right, but it's the community.
Again, we're not designed Idon't think we're designed to do
anything.
You know, marriage is obviouslythe two of us, but a healthy
marriage involves healthycouples around us as well too.
What we just said women needwomen, men need men.
So that ability to have ahealthy you, the only way I
think you have a healthy you isbe surrounded by.
(25:04):
Again, we're not talking aboutperfection, but what we're
talking about is the ability tobe in a place of community where
you can share moments of thegood and the bad and all that
mess that's in between.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
Yes, yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Because I want to be healthy.
I want to be healthy for me.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
And, in turn, as I learned to be healthy, a healthy
me, we get better.
Yeah, so true.
I mean think about what youjust said a while ago, when we
went through that, through thechurch where we went through
that counseling, what it did forour marriage, oh it was
incredible.
It was a game changer becausethings as difficult as they were
for us to walk through, thatcame to light, all of a sudden
(25:48):
started making sense for us whywe responded certain ways, why
we acted certain ways, whattriggered us.
I know that word gets used alot, but it's just, it is what
it is.
And trauma is real.
We know all those things.
But what it did for ourmarriage and how it deepened us,
yeah, but we were working onthe I the me.
(26:08):
I was working on, you know,because we went separate.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Yes, we didn't go together as a couple.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
We didn't go together , it's true, right, and then we
eventually came together andtalked about that, but that was
life-changing for us.
Yes.
You know, I mean we had, Ithink we'd still be married now.
I'm not saying we wouldn't be,but the depth of our marriage
and the depth of ourrelationship not only affected
us as our marriage but thenagain, healthy family, what it
(26:38):
did for Madison.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:40):
How it changed the course of how we parented, how
we spoke in front of her, how weloved her, our ability to learn
to be vulnerable in front ofour kids.
What a thought.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Right.
What's the domino?
It's a domino effect, you know,and really, when you are
working on yourself and gettinginto healthier places, like I
said, whether it be physical,mental, spiritual, emotional,
when you can get all four ofthose really kicking, it's
really something else.
It's awesome.
(27:14):
But there's no way, if you'reworking on you, there's just no
way that it won't positivelyaffect your marriage.
And then, in turn, if you havekids, there's just no way that
it won't keep on moving forwardand that your kids are affected.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
Because, again, talking about setting that
example, understanding that andyou say this all the time that
there's no story like your story, whatever your story is of your
marriage, there's never beenanother one like it, never will
be.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
Right unique, handcrafted, one of a kind.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
One of a kind, one of a kind.
So you get to choose what, thatand the gift that we give our
family when we can own our messand our kids see that.
I mean we say this to youngparents all the time If you want
to give a gift to your kids,own when you mess up, yeah, when
you mess up.
Yeah On when you say, hey, youknow how I spoke to your mom, or
(28:11):
how I spoke to your dad, or howyou saw me speak to that person
, whatever the case may be.
Yeah, that's true, and you ownthat.
You change the course of howthey're going to respond one day
, not only to themselves, butyou are helping oh man, you're
helping create a healthy them,but you are helping.
Oh man, you're helping create ahealthy them.
(28:32):
So as you work on you gettinghealthy, now your marriage is
healthy.
Yeah, now your family startsgoing totally shifting gears.
I mean again, think about.
I think about this all the time.
I'm about to cry.
Obviously we had Maddie.
(28:53):
She's a girl, but I think aboutif I'd had a boy, knowing who I
am now, what I'd have been ableto instill in him there for him
to be a healthy man.
You know, fortunately, I thinkwe've done a pretty good job of
(29:14):
being healthy parents.
In front of Maddie.
I'm not going to say I'm sorry,but knowing and seeing how
she's carried our examples,seeing how she's carried our
(29:35):
examples, good and bad, into hermarriage and her ability to
communicate and her desire tohave healthy conversation with
Jared is just there's no words.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
Yeah, it's so good.
Yeah, and I do feel that whenyou do present to your kids a
healthy marriage, you know it'sone thing for your kids to say,
man, my mom and dad were amazing.
But when your kids can say mymom was a great wife to my dad
(30:12):
and my dad was a great husbandto my mom, wow.
Yeah.
And then, in turn, when they'relooking for who they're going
to marry, it's going to be froma healthy place, not a perfect
place.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
No.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
But a healthy place, and isn't that what any of us,
as good parents, would want, youknow, and?
And we have an amazingson-in-law- I mean just he's
just awesome.
Um, and I'm so thankful, uh, foryou know, for that, for for
Maddie and for their kids oneday, you know, to see that
(30:47):
continue for their kids one day,you know, to see that continue.
And to me that's really whatit's all about.
You know, for life it's like Isaid, it's a domino effect.
You know, as I partner with God, as I, you know, let down my
own defenses, look at myselfhonestly, invite people into my
(31:10):
life that are going to be therefor me, that are going to not
always agree with me, that willchallenge me, that will love me
and that will not only encourageme but, yeah, and that
challenging push me to be better.
(31:32):
Um and then in turn you know, Iknow we keep saying that, this
episode, but this is what it'sabout Then our marriages get
better, Our families get better.
It's, it's all it's.
It's like our legacy, it's ourgenerational blessing that we
see play out's so good and and I, you know, because we are
(31:53):
believers, I absolutely you know, believe that he who created me
, you know he is going to finishhis good work in me.
Yeah, and that's part of thegood work.
It's not that he's going tosprinkle stardust over me and
magically make me something else.
It's that he pricks my heart.
(32:16):
He speaks to me and he calls meup.
He calls me higher.
He calls me to be, betterbecause he loves me.
Speaker 1 (32:26):
And be willing to listen to those prompts of our
hearts and our minds and of ouremotions.
I mean, that's really that's.
I think that's when youapproach.
I was thinking about how youwere saying that.
I think when you approach itfrom that angle, rather than
(32:46):
fixing, you know where yourspouse feels encouraged, right,
yeah, yeah, for sure.
So that again, it's not likechange this or else, but it's
the way, just how that comesacross.
I'm just trying to process whatI'm trying to say with that,
(33:10):
but I think that's crucial againas I'm working on myself.
My marriage gets better, myfamily gets better and if
there's a genuineness behind mycare and love for you of saying,
hey, I believe in us and how dowe make us better?
What can I do to help you bebetter so we're better?
Speaker 2 (33:34):
Yeah, yes, Well, yeah .
And I think it all goes back tothe beginning of this episode,
where you know you said at thebeginning, you know that
statement people make.
You know, if the person you'regoing to marry didn't change
anything at all about themselves, would you still marry them?
I don't know if that's evenrealistic to a degree.
(33:58):
I mean, like you said, changeis always happening, Right?
Maybe if we're talking about,like our non-negotiables- like
you know, I think we all haveour list.
You know, when we're single oflike our non-negotiables, these
things, there's just no way I'mbacking off of that, you know.
(34:18):
So, yeah, um, yeah, you know.
But but yeah, change is alwayshappening and change is progress
right, you know, can really be.
Speaker 1 (34:29):
progress is not a scary word, because the whole
point is we should put forth theeffort to continually be
changing.
Yeah.
Again, we're not talking aboutmaybe a sense of humor, that's
not what we're talking aboutSome of our characteristics.
But again, if 35 years later,later, I'm not picking up the
(34:53):
towels, that probably an issue,I guess, or maybe not, maybe it
would just be, I don't, I don'tknow.
Again, I know we said this awhile ago that we don't want to
feel like we're chasing rabbitstoday, whatever.
But this topic is just, youknow I.
I know I want to change, likewe're chasing rabbits today,
whatever, but this topic is just, you know, I know I want to
change.
And when I got to that place ofall those areas my emotions, my
(35:19):
spirit, all those things when Iwanted to change, that's when
we went to another level in ourrelationship.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
Yes and vice versa.
Yeah, yeah.
I think, when we said hey, youknow.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
And that only comes by open communication, not
trying to fix.
Right.
Not trying to point out you'rewrong.
I think that's what I'm tryingto say.
Is that that's how you get tothat place in a marriage.
I mean, sometimes you're in themarriage, you know, and you're
not technically healthy.
When I say healthy, youunderstand what I'm saying.
I'm not talking about justphysical or just mental, but
(35:54):
whatever the case may be.
But I think it's never too late, I really believe that To see a
change in yourself that yourspouse starts noticing and your
kids start noticing it, if youhave kids.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
Agreed, yeah, I think so too.
Speaker 1 (36:11):
So noticing it If you have kids.
Agreed, yeah, I think so too.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
So healthy you, healthy you.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
Healthy marriage, yes , healthy marriage, and healthy
family, yeah, yeah.
Good, I like it.
Thanks for talking.
You're welcome.
It was good.
I know I see you all the time,but thanks for sitting across
from the mic for me today.
Hey, thank you guys forlistening.
This kind of stirs you a littlebit.
Pass this on and tell yourspouse to listen to it with you
(36:38):
or a friend, whatever the casemay be.
But we always appreciate youlistening and we will.
I know us well enough.
When we get through recordinghere, we're going to sit here
and talk more about this topic,so hope you do the same thing.
Speaker 2 (36:51):
Yeah, yeah, sit down and do a little self-evaluation
and you know, kind of thinkingthrough ways that you can take
better care of yourself.
Speaker 1 (37:05):
Which, in turn, takes better care of your marriage
and makes you have a healthyfamily.
Yeah, yeah, thanks.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
All right guys Till the next time.
Speaker 4 (37:16):
You've been listening to Marriage and Us, with your
hosts, Rob and Robin Atkins.
Stay up to date by followingthem on Instagram at
marriageandus underscore podcastand on Twitter at marriageandus
.
Also hit the follow button soyou never miss an episode from
your favorite couple.
Hi, I'm Rob and I'm Robin.
Thanks for listening toMarriage and Us.
Each week we will talk aboutreal-life topics that couples
experience in everyday marriedlife.
So let's get to today's episode.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Hello everybody, hey out there how you doing, I'm
doing well there how you doing.
I'm doing well, how are youdoing?
Speaker 1 (00:29):
So well, we're just going to just jump right into
this episode.
We are sitting here trying torecord and then I think I
possibly could be being attackedby some bug.
It was on your head, summerticks, you know, or it's just,
(00:51):
it's just crazy.
So now, of course, we'resitting here feeling like we're
being we're itching and we'rebeing attacked.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Right, there was something crawling on your head.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
So there's that, and I went and got the little vacuum
because it fell off onto therug so we have vacuumed, and
then we're about to start again,and then I knock over a
complete glass of water thatpours over Robin's legs.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
And so that was exciting, and the podcast table.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Yes, and the table.
So we have went through sometrials and tribulations trying
to get to this today's episode.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
So I'm sitting here right now wearing a bicycle
helmet.
No, you're not.
Protecting myself from anythingelse that might have happened.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Yes, exactly, but we're glad to be back.
Yes.
And excited about today'sepisode.
Yeah, yeah, I think wementioned on the last episode
that I've said episode severaltimes here already.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Yes, that seems to be your buzzword.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
I recognize that that we had just finished up, about
a month ago, a four-week classthat we taught at our church for
couples, and during that classagain, we're not the one that
came up with this phrase, but itjust seemed to be something
that we discussed a lot.
(02:19):
But basically, in a nutshell,is this you know, a happy you or
healthy you equals a healthymarriage, equals a healthy
family.
Yes.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
But it starts with us individually.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Yes, yeah, and we, for as long as we've been doing
this not only the podcast, butdoing counseling and things of
that nature that is somethingyou know.
And let me just ask this I mean, I feel this episode is going
to feel very organic and we'regoing to.
It might seem like we'rechasing some rabbits, but I do
(02:57):
feel that we're going to getsomewhere.
Today, the phrase that we'veall heard hey, if you had to
marry somebody and they neverchanged from who they are right
now, would you still marry them?
Yes, I've heard that before.
Yes, and you and I have debatednot debated that.
(03:18):
We have discussed that, notdebated, because it sounds like
we're at odds about that, butwe've discussed that several
times and there's all kind ofdifferent theories on that.
But I think it's um, a little,it's.
It's not to the point.
I think when we're talkingabout a healthy you, healthy
marriage, healthy family, it'snot from the place of fixing,
(03:42):
but it is from the place ofrecognizing that change is
continual, and we've talkedabout that before in marriage.
It's unrealistic.
From the day I asked you out tothe day that I asked you to
marry me, to the day that yousaid I do, to now, 35 years
(04:03):
later, there's been lots ofchange.
Oh, absolutely, and it'scontinual.
Yes.
So the concept of understandinghow important it is for me to
work on myself and want to workon myself, I think that's where
the what's your thoughts on this.
I think that's where the rubcomes.
When you see a couple thatreally starts like, hit that
(04:30):
huge bump, the road where, likeyou know, hey, there's, there's
got to be a shift here.
You know we can't keep goingthe way we're going.
You know, and and it's not thatit's not blaming somebody but
if you're not willing to work onyourself and not willing to
make some and recognize that youneed to make some changes, it's
going to be very difficult tohave a healthy marriage, much
(04:53):
less a healthy family.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
So what do you mean by like a big bump in the road?
Speaker 1 (04:57):
Well, in other words, like sometimes we hear you know
he won't do this or she won'tdo that, we hear you know he
won't do this or she won't dothat, or you know we've talked
about this countless times andlike we've talked about with
arguing.
In other words, the same topicseems to keep coming up over and
over and over again, to theplace where frustration sets in
(05:20):
from one side of therelationship and it's just like
I can't take anymore.
I don't know what else I cansay for he or she to say.
I recognize that this is not ahealthy, whatever I'm doing, put
it you know, fill in the blank.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
So what I hear you saying is, when a couple kind of
gets to a place, to wherethey're in gridlock, okay, maybe
, okay.
Is that what?
You're?
Kind of Sure, I think so.
Yeah, yeah, like they, they.
There are certain issues thatfeel like can't, they can't be
(05:58):
resolved.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Right, Right, and we're, and we're not talking.
We've joked about this manytimes, but we're not talking
about folding towels.
We're not talking.
We've joked about this manytimes, but we're not talking
about folding towels.
We're just talking about notwilling to put forth effort
maybe is the word put fortheffort into developing
themselves, which, in turn,helps them have a healthier
marriage.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
Sure, I mean, I think that there are people who are
single and want to get married,but maybe they feel like if they
get married then things willget better, or magically fixed,
(06:41):
magically delicious, you know.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Well, we hear that with people with kids.
Sure, well, we hear that withpeople with kids.
Well, we're going to have ababy.
That's going to fix themarriage.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Yes, we've definitely met couples that fall into that
category.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
Because you can begin to pour yourself into a child,
more than to the marriage.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
Yes, well, your emotional tank can really be
filled by a baby, you know, bykids to such a place that you
don't leave capacity foryourselves as a couple and you
don't leave capacity foryourself.
You know, because when we'retalking about our individual
(07:25):
journey into wholeness andhealth, whether it be physical
health or mental health,emotional, health.
Sure.
Yeah.
I can absolutely see where thatcan happen.
A really fast paced world where, you know, there's not a lot of
(07:53):
space sometimes for forourselves.
Or I'll say because I knowthere was a part of me early on
in our marriage where I justfelt like I could not relax or
rest, just always go, go go, do,do, do you know that kind of
thing and, um the way that I waswired, that you know, as long
(08:13):
as you're accomplishing tasks,as long as you're completing
goals, then you are uh valuableyou know, and so when I would
think about even trying to taketime for myself, I really
couldn't even grasp that concept.
I don't think that I feel likethe uh, there was years ago this
(08:37):
was several years ago, when weworked at a church and had the
opportunity to uh, uh, you know,get into some really good
counseling for ourselves, right,and I remember that was one
thing that was pointed out to me.
It's like you know, you need tolearn how to rest more and
(08:57):
relax more, because you're, youknow, you're just you can't keep
up that pace.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
And that was the first time I had ever had
someone say anything like thatto me, right, or even realize
that that was something I neededto do well, let me ask you this
, and because we've beenlistening to a few different
things, different teachings anddifferent seminars, and even
(09:22):
some a festival we went torecently understanding that you
know, from a man's point of view, provide, provide, provide,
take care of, take care of, iskind of, you know, the sign
that's held above our heads thatthis is what a man is.
But I do and when I say this Ihonestly believe this I my, if I
(09:51):
you know, some of you know thatI recently launched a podcast
for guys called Just EverydayGuys Selfless.
Plug there for a movement wheremen begin to understand the
importance again taking care ofourself, of reaching out and
(10:14):
asking for help, and thenrecognizing the value of not
only taking care of yourself,but what that means to your
marriage and what that means toyour family, and let's just call
it what it is what that meansto your kids means to your
family or and let's just call itwhat it is, what that means to
your kids.
Because if, at the end of theday or the end of your lifetime,
(10:35):
all you've done is providemoney and stuff, that that's not
.
That that's not what you'regoing to be remembered by right
you know the money is going tocome and go, but the memories
that you make with your children, that you make with your wife
date nights or whatever the casemay be those are the things
(10:57):
that are last and those are thethings that are going to be that
.
There's a series of commercialsI think out in what
organization but it's like it'sbasically saying you don't have
to be a perfect parent, you justhave to be there.
Oh, that's good and so true.
Yeah, and that's what.
That's what we're talking about, because I these are facts,
(11:20):
these are not just stuff thatI've read.
These are men that I havespoken to and in the circle of
guys that I run with, of guysthat they talk to, of how many
say if I could trade anything, Iwould trade this amount of
money and this amount of successfor time and what I lost with
my kids.
Wow.
Wow yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
That's very powerful, but I have hope is what I'm
trying to say.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Yes, and it starts with conversations.
It starts with recognizing thatyou don't have to be on the
hamster wheel.
Right.
Again, I mean you've said it,I've said it countless times,
even what you were just talkingabout being single.
Be aware of what you'recommitting to.
(12:07):
Again, we've said it countlesstimes this is not a contract,
but, from a spiritual sense,this is a covenant that you're
making with somebody that I wantto spend the rest of my life
with you and you need to bewilling to say I got stuff I got
to work on.
We're not talking perfection,right, because nobody would get
(12:27):
married if that's the case.
But what we are talking aboutis a willingness again to say I
recognize there's some things inmy life that I need to work on,
and that goes back to and we'vesaid this so many times it's
having open and honestconversations about where you
are.
I mean that's the number onething.
When you said that we encourageand when we're doing premarital
(12:49):
, I mean that's another thing.
When you said that we encourageand when we're doing premarital
with somebody, that's what weencourage couples to really do
is talk about stuff.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Before they get married.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Sure, yes, yeah, we hopefully bring some questions
to the table they haven'tthought of before, so that they
learn more about each otherbeforehand.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
Right, absolutely, I think that's really great.
Yeah, and it goes back to whatyou've said so many times You've
got to ask, you've got to keepasking questions, because
questions lead to greatconversations.
Yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Curiosity is everything.
It really conversations.
Yes, yes, curiosity iseverything.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
It really is Absolutely.
And finding that I mean onceyou know again, today we're
talking about healthy you,healthy marriage, healthy family
.
I mean, what are some of thethings that you can think of
when it comes to walking that,that process out, when it comes
(13:52):
to a healthy you?
You know, from a, from awoman's point of view, you know,
I shared there, you know,asking for help.
As a man, knowing that and Ishare this all the time I was at
a meeting this morning andshared you know, I understand
that that that my transparency,my vulnerability with you has
made our marriage stronger, andyou see me stronger, not weaker,
(14:12):
because of it.
So, from a woman's point ofview, what's some advice that
you would give women that arelistening of how to work on
being a healthy you and I knowit's a broad stroke when I say
that, but what's what's some ofyour thoughts with that?
Speaker 2 (14:29):
I think one is finding ways to carve out time
for yourself as a woman, and Irealize there may be some young
moms out there are moms with youknow, with kids, where it's
like how, how is that possible?
maybe there are somestay-at-home moms where that
that really feels impossiblebecause you're, you know, with
(14:50):
your littles every day and yourlittles yeah, your littles and
your little ones little ones andum and that seems really
difficult, but I think thatexpressing the desire to have a
little bit of time carved outfor yourself in a situation like
(15:11):
with a young mom, to yourspouse, you know, to your, your
community, those that are aroundyou to see, you know what that
could look like.
Or maybe there's someone thatcould step in and watch, you
know, watch the littles, so youcan maybe, you know, get 30
minutes to yourself or an hourhere or there.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Let me ask you, would you say and I know, as men, we
could do a better job of thiswould you say that, and again,
there's no greater honor, oragain, it is a job, it's work.
You may not technically getpaid for it, but you know, with
(15:54):
a stay at home mom, do you thinkthat they recognize, obviously,
the amount of time that they'reputting in, that they take the
time to speak to their husbandor whatever, and say, hey, I
need.
I need this break.
I'm going to go hang out withmy one of my best friends.
We're going to get coffee, sure, and.
But how many think, really,follow through and ask for those
(16:17):
type of moments?
Right.
Because in their mind they justthey don't think they deserve
that, or or it seems possiblyselfish or A display of weakness
.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
I will say, you know, just like you were talking
about men being vulnerable andnot seen as weak, I think women
also wrestle with those kinds ofthings.
Vulnerability for women, youknow, could look like asking for
help, you know, because youwant to, you know, be Wonder
(16:54):
Woman.
You know, you want to do it all, you want to be able to, uh,
accomplish everything.
Um, you know what's that crazycommercial?
I mean, I'm showing my age, youknow.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
I, I can uh the song bring home the bacon in a pan.
Yeah, you know, cause I'm awoman, you know I I can uh the
song bring home the bacon fry upin a pan.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
yeah you know, because I'm a woman yeah, you
know I can do it, I can do itall yeah and uh, you know, and,
and I think, when you, which Ilove bacon.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Just to say.
If you want to fry that up in apan anytime, just have right at
it with some okra.
Um, that would be.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
I mean yeah that'd be delicious I got sidetracked,
that's okay, but, yeah, I thinkthat they're, you know, like.
So, going back to the originalquestion, you know, for women,
what does it look like to takecare of yourself and, you know,
be a healthy you?
Yeah, I think.
There it's just, I think it'salso finding a community of
(17:49):
women.
Just as much as men need men, I, I'm convinced, women need
women, sure, um, and women needto look for for me, you know, I,
I like to surround myself withwomen who are a little further
along the path than me, you know, maybe a woman that's a little
(18:09):
older or has, um, oraccomplished some things.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Maybe I haven't or on the other way, I know you hang
out with a few that are a littleyounger than you, but they are,
um, how's a nice way todescribe some of your ladies
that you, they're, uh, veryadventurous and, yes, bold and
out, not not outspoken andoutspoken in a negative way, but
just like you know I won't namenames here or whatever, but you
(18:38):
know who we're talking aboutout there, if you're Robert's
friend, but you know what I'msaying.
So that's another side, it'ssurrounding yourself with people
that are like-minded, yes, butalso, just like in marriage,
that bring contrast andcompliment, and because we need
to be pushed, we need to bechallenged.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
You know.
But you need that ability, theperson you're hanging with that
you can trust you can sharethose moments.
I mean I've got guys I'veshared super intimate stuff that
obviously I've shared with youbut that I know is a safe place.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
And that aren't going to judge me, no matter what
struggles I'm going through orwhatever thoughts that I've had
or whatever Right.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Oh, it's so helpful.
You know it is, it's so helpfuland you know, you and I, we are
a couple that we can justreally enjoy just hanging out
with each other.
Yeah, you know.
We've really worked on that thelast four or five years, but we
have worked on that because werealize that we need diversity
within our friendships.
And, yes, just like you said,some of the women that I run
around with, they are youngerthan me and they keep me young
(19:44):
because they yeah thatadventurous side, or, you know,
just getting out and just, youknow, doing, trying, trying new
things.
Yeah, you know, I absolutelylove that.
And I think another thing thatfor women, you know that, and
I'm speaking from experience isthat it's that thing of of that,
(20:06):
most women are task orientedfor the most part of that, most
women are task oriented for themost part, you know, I mean
there are some that are not, butmore often than not, over the
years the women we've met a lot,you know so.
So, like your house, you know,like you can just keep yourself
busy for hours, because it neverends, especially when you are a
mom with kids still under theroof with you.
I mean there's always going tobe a load of laundry that needs
(20:28):
to be done, there are alwaysgoing to be dishes in the sink,
there's always going to be aroom to dust or sweep and
there's, you know, and it canjust go on and on a bed to make,
and you know I could just keeprunning with it, but if you can
just let yourself, slow down andkind of let yourself off the
hook.
I don't know if you guys arefamiliar with that kind of
(20:49):
phrase, but what I mean by thatis like we keep ourselves on the
hook by saying I have to onceagain.
Like I said earlier, we have toachieve this certain standard.
You know, um, and a lot oftimes we learn that from our
mothers or our grandmothers.
I mean my gosh, my grandmother,my mom's mom.
(21:12):
I mean just never stopped.
And especially like when itcame to dishes.
You guys, just, I mean honestly, you could have done some sort
of bacteria test on the dishesafter she washed them and there
would be nothing there.
I've never seen a womanmeticulously scrub one fork for
(21:32):
45 seconds.
One fork, I mean in betweeneach tine of the fork.
You know, I mean justunbelievable.
So that's what I'm talkingabout.
You know, we all havegrandmothers or mothers or
mother-in-laws.
Maybe they come and we're like,oh, my gosh, you know, the house
needs to be spotless and thisneeds to be this and that and
that you know, and if we canjust take a breath and realize
(21:54):
it is not the end of the worldif the dishes sit in the sink
overnight, heaven forbid.
You know.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
Or we've seen also as well too, just saying this,
like you said, asking for help.
That you know.
I want to challenge most menout there.
You know, when you come in, yes, I understand you've had a
stressful day.
Maybe your boss yelled at you,maybe a deal didn't go through
that you expected, maybe I don'tknow, there's all kinds of
(22:22):
scenarios with that.
But to understand that when youwalk in the door, that your
wife has been, has went throughjust as much, or there's guys
that raise kids, you know,whatever the situation may be,
but that when you walk in thedoor, they've they've had a
stressful day as well too.
Yeah, so how how can you comein and partner with her so that
(22:43):
she can enjoy her evening?
You know just as much as youwant to enjoy yours, and that
may be.
You know we've seen familymembers that when the when the
dinner's done everybody, theyjust knock it out.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
Yeah, they just jump in.
Speaker 4 (22:56):
I mean, you've got three or four and it's done in
you know five minutes.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
Sure, I mean.
So there's ways to improve upon that is what we're trying to
say.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Yeah, and even with you know, if you don't have kids
, and it's just you know ahusband and a wife and you're
both working, come in, both areexhausted.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
You know when you can partner together.
It's not one person's job to dothe dishes.
Is what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Yeah, and I think that's so true.
It's our home, yeah, our home,and we've always believed that.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
Yes, for sure.
Yeah, so, so, healthy you whenit comes to healthy marriage.
Unfortunately, there's allkinds of statistics out there
right now that it would appearand I want to preference this
that the divorce rate isactually lower right now than it
(23:42):
has been in quite a while.
But the flip side of that isthat there's a generation that
is saying we're just going tolive together and try it out.
Sure, but I was just lookingthat you know that the
percentage of when theycohabitate, like that, that
(24:03):
typically still have a childeven though they're not married,
but the percentage of theparental breakup, is that by the
age of nine of the childthey've already split.
Wow.
So you know, just livingtogether is not the answer, or
just being married and trying tomake it work just for whatever
(24:26):
reason.
Again, it's going back to howdo I work and love on myself
well and have a healthy me, andsometimes that requires
professional help.
You know a mentor or a pastoror whatever the case may be.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
Good community.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
Right, but it's the community.
Again, we're not designed Idon't think we're designed to do
anything.
You know, marriage is obviouslythe two of us, but a healthy
marriage involves healthycouples around us as well too.
What we just said women needwomen, men need men.
So that ability to have ahealthy you, the only way I
think you have a healthy you isbe surrounded by.
(25:04):
Again, we're not talking aboutperfection, but what we're
talking about is the ability tobe in a place of community where
you can share moments of thegood and the bad and all that
mess that's in between.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
Yes, yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Because I want to be healthy.
I want to be healthy for me.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
And, in turn, as I learned to be healthy, a healthy
me, we get better.
Yeah, so true.
I mean think about what youjust said a while ago, when we
went through that, through thechurch where we went through
that counseling, what it did forour marriage, oh it was
incredible.
It was a game changer becausethings as difficult as they were
for us to walk through, thatcame to light, all of a sudden
(25:48):
started making sense for us whywe responded certain ways, why
we acted certain ways, whattriggered us.
I know that word gets used alot, but it's just, it is what
it is.
And trauma is real.
We know all those things.
But what it did for ourmarriage and how it deepened us,
yeah, but we were working onthe I the me.
(26:08):
I was working on, you know,because we went separate.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Yes, we didn't go together as a couple.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
We didn't go together , it's true, right, and then we
eventually came together andtalked about that, but that was
life-changing for us.
Yes.
You know, I mean we had, Ithink we'd still be married now.
I'm not saying we wouldn't be,but the depth of our marriage
and the depth of ourrelationship not only affected
us as our marriage but thenagain, healthy family, what it
(26:38):
did for Madison.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:40):
How it changed the course of how we parented, how
we spoke in front of her, how weloved her, our ability to learn
to be vulnerable in front ofour kids.
What a thought.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Right.
What's the domino?
It's a domino effect, you know,and really, when you are
working on yourself and gettinginto healthier places, like I
said, whether it be physical,mental, spiritual, emotional,
when you can get all four ofthose really kicking, it's
really something else.
It's awesome.
(27:14):
But there's no way, if you'reworking on you, there's just no
way that it won't positivelyaffect your marriage.
And then, in turn, if you havekids, there's just no way that
it won't keep on moving forwardand that your kids are affected.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
Because, again, talking about setting that
example, understanding that andyou say this all the time that
there's no story like your story, whatever your story is of your
marriage, there's never beenanother one like it, never will
be.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
Right unique, handcrafted, one of a kind.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
One of a kind, one of a kind.
So you get to choose what, thatand the gift that we give our
family when we can own our messand our kids see that.
I mean we say this to youngparents all the time If you want
to give a gift to your kids,own when you mess up, yeah, when
you mess up.
Yeah On when you say, hey, youknow how I spoke to your mom, or
(28:11):
how I spoke to your dad, or howyou saw me speak to that person
, whatever the case may be.
Yeah, that's true, and you ownthat.
You change the course of howthey're going to respond one day
, not only to themselves, butyou are helping oh man, you're
helping create a healthy them,but you are helping.
Oh man, you're helping create ahealthy them.
(28:32):
So as you work on you gettinghealthy, now your marriage is
healthy.
Yeah, now your family startsgoing totally shifting gears.
I mean again, think about.
I think about this all the time.
I'm about to cry.
Obviously we had Maddie.
(28:53):
She's a girl, but I think aboutif I'd had a boy, knowing who I
am now, what I'd have been ableto instill in him there for him
to be a healthy man.
You know, fortunately, I thinkwe've done a pretty good job of
(29:14):
being healthy parents.
In front of Maddie.
I'm not going to say I'm sorry,but knowing and seeing how
she's carried our examples,seeing how she's carried our
(29:35):
examples, good and bad, into hermarriage and her ability to
communicate and her desire tohave healthy conversation with
Jared is just there's no words.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
Yeah, it's so good.
Yeah, and I do feel that whenyou do present to your kids a
healthy marriage, you know it'sone thing for your kids to say,
man, my mom and dad were amazing.
But when your kids can say mymom was a great wife to my dad
(30:12):
and my dad was a great husbandto my mom, wow.
Yeah.
And then, in turn, when they'relooking for who they're going
to marry, it's going to be froma healthy place, not a perfect
place.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
No.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
But a healthy place, and isn't that what any of us,
as good parents, would want, youknow, and?
And we have an amazingson-in-law- I mean just he's
just awesome.
Um, and I'm so thankful, uh, foryou know, for that, for for
Maddie and for their kids oneday, you know, to see that
(30:47):
continue for their kids one day,you know, to see that continue.
And to me that's really whatit's all about.
You know, for life it's like Isaid, it's a domino effect.
You know, as I partner with God, as I, you know, let down my
own defenses, look at myselfhonestly, invite people into my
(31:10):
life that are going to be therefor me, that are going to not
always agree with me, that willchallenge me, that will love me
and that will not only encourageme but, yeah, and that
challenging push me to be better.
(31:32):
Um and then in turn you know, Iknow we keep saying that, this
episode, but this is what it'sabout Then our marriages get
better, Our families get better.
It's, it's all it's.
It's like our legacy, it's ourgenerational blessing that we
see play out's so good and and I, you know, because we are
(31:53):
believers, I absolutely you know, believe that he who created me
, you know he is going to finishhis good work in me.
Yeah, and that's part of thegood work.
It's not that he's going tosprinkle stardust over me and
magically make me something else.
It's that he pricks my heart.
(32:16):
He speaks to me and he calls meup.
He calls me higher.
He calls me to be, betterbecause he loves me.
Speaker 1 (32:26):
And be willing to listen to those prompts of our
hearts and our minds and of ouremotions.
I mean, that's really that's.
I think that's when youapproach.
I was thinking about how youwere saying that.
I think when you approach itfrom that angle, rather than
(32:46):
fixing, you know where yourspouse feels encouraged, right,
yeah, yeah, for sure.
So that again, it's not likechange this or else, but it's
the way, just how that comesacross.
I'm just trying to process whatI'm trying to say with that,
(33:10):
but I think that's crucial againas I'm working on myself.
My marriage gets better, myfamily gets better and if
there's a genuineness behind mycare and love for you of saying,
hey, I believe in us and how dowe make us better?
What can I do to help you bebetter so we're better?
Speaker 2 (33:34):
Yeah, yes, Well, yeah .
And I think it all goes back tothe beginning of this episode,
where you know you said at thebeginning, you know that
statement people make.
You know, if the person you'regoing to marry didn't change
anything at all about themselves, would you still marry them?
I don't know if that's evenrealistic to a degree.
(33:58):
I mean, like you said, changeis always happening, Right?
Maybe if we're talking about,like our non-negotiables- like
you know, I think we all haveour list.
You know, when we're single oflike our non-negotiables, these
things, there's just no way I'mbacking off of that, you know.
(34:18):
So, yeah, um, yeah, you know.
But but yeah, change is alwayshappening and change is progress
right, you know, can really be.
Speaker 1 (34:29):
progress is not a scary word, because the whole
point is we should put forth theeffort to continually be
changing.
Yeah.
Again, we're not talking aboutmaybe a sense of humor, that's
not what we're talking aboutSome of our characteristics.
But again, if 35 years later,later, I'm not picking up the
(34:53):
towels, that probably an issue,I guess, or maybe not, maybe it
would just be, I don't, I don'tknow.
Again, I know we said this awhile ago that we don't want to
feel like we're chasing rabbitstoday, whatever.
But this topic is just, youknow I.
I know I want to change, likewe're chasing rabbits today,
whatever, but this topic is just, you know, I know I want to
change.
And when I got to that place ofall those areas my emotions, my
(35:19):
spirit, all those things when Iwanted to change, that's when
we went to another level in ourrelationship.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
Yes and vice versa.
Yeah, yeah.
I think, when we said hey, youknow.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
And that only comes by open communication, not
trying to fix.
Right.
Not trying to point out you'rewrong.
I think that's what I'm tryingto say.
Is that that's how you get tothat place in a marriage.
I mean, sometimes you're in themarriage, you know, and you're
not technically healthy.
When I say healthy, youunderstand what I'm saying.
I'm not talking about justphysical or just mental, but
(35:54):
whatever the case may be.
But I think it's never too late, I really believe that To see a
change in yourself that yourspouse starts noticing and your
kids start noticing it, if youhave kids.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
Agreed, yeah, I think so too.
Speaker 1 (36:11):
So noticing it If you have kids.
Agreed, yeah, I think so too.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
So healthy you, healthy you.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
Healthy marriage, yes , healthy marriage, and healthy
family, yeah, yeah.
Good, I like it.
Thanks for talking.
You're welcome.
It was good.
I know I see you all the time,but thanks for sitting across
from the mic for me today.
Hey, thank you guys forlistening.
This kind of stirs you a littlebit.
Pass this on and tell yourspouse to listen to it with you
(36:38):
or a friend, whatever the casemay be.
But we always appreciate youlistening and we will.
I know us well enough.
When we get through recordinghere, we're going to sit here
and talk more about this topic,so hope you do the same thing.
Speaker 2 (36:51):
Yeah, yeah, sit down and do a little self-evaluation
and you know, kind of thinkingthrough ways that you can take
better care of yourself.
Speaker 1 (37:05):
Which, in turn, takes better care of your marriage
and makes you have a healthyfamily.
Yeah, yeah, thanks.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
All right guys Till the next time.
Speaker 4 (37:16):
You've been listening to Marriage and Us, with your
hosts, Rob and Robin Atkins.
Stay up to date by followingthem on Instagram at
marriageandus underscore podcastand on Twitter at marriageandus
.
Also hit the follow button soyou never miss an episode from
your favorite couple.
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