July 24, 2025 • 43 mins
Join Rob and Robin in this episode as they delve into the powerful theme of change in marriage. Explore how life’s transitions shape both personal growth and relationship dynamics. From navigating new parenthood to embracing individual aspirations, Rob and Robin share heartfelt stories and practical insights on adapting together. Discover how to thrive in love while embracing the inevitable changes that come your way.
Music by - Roger Jaeger - from the album (Fall Off the Earth)
Produced by - Jared Nester
Outro by - Madison Nester
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hi, I'm Rob and I'm Robin.
Thanks for listening toMarriage and Us.
Each week we will talk aboutreal-life topics that couples
experience in everyday marriedlife.
So let's get to today's episode.
Hello everybody out there.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
Hi how you doing.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
How you doing.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
I'm good.
How are you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:31):
I'm glad to be back.
We've had a little break here.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
I know this year is just.
We're to July.
How did that happen?
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Well I know, Can you believe it?
We're five months away fromChristmas.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Are we?
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
Yeah're five months away from Christmas, are we?
Yeah, yeah, five months.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Wow, Incredible right .
Speaker 3 (00:51):
Good grief yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
So thanks for joining us on the podcast today.
If this is your first timelistening to us, I'm Rob and I'm
Robin that you are.
Just wanted to clarify that.
I know it says it on the intro,but I always like to say that.
But no, life's been busy, Lotsof things happening.
I don't think the last time wewere on you had actually had the
(01:15):
big transition that you're in.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Maybe, not.
No, I know.
So the beginning of June, soit's been about five weeks ago.
Five or six weeks ago now, Iwent ahead and retired from my
job that I had for 10 years Atthe hospital yeah, working in
the HR department.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
You were a brain surgeon?
No, you weren't.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
No way.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
I thought that's what you did there this whole time
very funny oh my gosh.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
Oh no, I I was uh oh man, sorry, I couldn't pass that
up I worked in human resourcesand did many things over the
last, like I said you, were abrain surgeon oh man, oh so, but
yeah, whole new world, um, youknow, being here on the farm and
(02:11):
just enjoying being out in thesun during the day and for some
of you don't that don't know.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
The reason she highlights that is where she
worked in.
The hospital was on the lowestfloor.
He possibly could be it was thebasement basement pretty much
the basement level.
There was no windows.
Speaker 3 (02:31):
No.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
And for some of you that know, robin, that's just
like it was a dungeon, basically.
You know, yes, that's what weall called it.
Oh, did you really?
Okay, yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:40):
So we, we, we worked down in the dungeon, yeah, so
that was probably the mostchallenging part of the job that
I had, because I love being outin the sun, I love gardening.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
You're a Florida girl .
Speaker 3 (02:54):
Yes, grew up in Florida.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
Had a pole.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
Yeah, exactly, so I like being outside.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
I know if you live in Florida and you're listening to
this everybody has a pole, butNashville not.
Everybody has a pool, no, noteveryone has a pool here.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
But yeah, that was really hard, especially in the
winter season.
I would get to work and it'sdark.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
And when I'm getting out at the end of the day the
sun's already setting.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
So, yeah, there would be a good three months where I
barely saw the sun.
You know, saw sunlight, so it'sbeen awesome.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
It's like living in Alaska.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
Yeah, maybe I don't know.
Yeah, I mean, well, I get it.
Yeah, right the sun goes right.
Maybe it's a little bit of astretch.
I don't think it's the samething as Alaska, but Okay, sorry
, alaska.
Oh, so it's.
Yeah, it's just awesome to justgo outside whenever I want, and
(03:51):
I have sweated more in the last, you know, six weeks than I
have no-transcript.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
This sounds terrible.
It's been um.
This sounds terrible.
You came in the other day.
I thought for sure.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
You said you were up there picking the legs off the
ants.
That's not what you said, butwhat it sounds like man, those
ants have really ticked her off.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
I mean, she is went to war with those things but you
were not.
Speaker 3 (04:41):
No, I forget what I said, but I know you said you
were picking the legs off theants.
I'm like no, I was not.
What in the world, how wouldone even go about doing that?
Speaker 1 (04:51):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
I'm waterboarding the ants.
I was trying to drown the ants.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
You were trying to drown the ants.
Speaker 3 (04:58):
Yeah, I've tried everything.
So if you're out there and youhave an idea of how I can you
know, get rid of the ants,because it's the ants and the
aphids and yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
So anyway, we're chasing a rabbit right now.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
So what are we?
What are we talking about today, besides ants?
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Well, since you brought that up, actually our
top topic today is about change.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
Okay, so they so how.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
I did that, um, probably well I don't know if
probably is the right word overthe years of what we've been
doing with marriage counselingand doing the podcast.
Uh, premarital, a lot is that Iwould say.
That word stirs up more emotionand discussion than just about
(05:52):
anything that we talk aboutchange.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Yes, I would say so, a lot of it's a lot of the how
do you struggle.
Yes, is based in.
Yeah, how do you change what?
Speaker 1 (06:04):
what does change look like?
Why is he not changing?
Why?
Speaker 2 (06:08):
is she not?
Speaker 1 (06:09):
changing.
Uh so all it's.
It's a just a dynamic of uhstress that so many couples just
struggle with how to process.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah, I mean, what kind of gotus on this some of you that have
(06:32):
listened to us in the past?
We have a term that we use forconflict that we just added the
word productive conflict.
We added a word in front ofthat.
Speaker 3 (06:43):
In front of the word conduct Conflict yes.
Conflict.
Sorry, I think I said conduct,but it does have to do with
conduct sometimes.
That's okay, yes, but addingproductive to the word conflict.
Let me get you back on track.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Yeah, so productive conflict, yes, and the power
that we've seen in not only inour own lives but other couples
that we introduced that phraseto, how it does begin to shift
their minds on understandingthat there are positive things
that can come out of conflict,because most of us run from
conflict, especially in ourmarriage.
(07:17):
But any relationship, if ourfriendship, whatever, you know,
co-worker, you can run away fromthat because you just don't
want to have to be confrontedwith something.
So it got us thinking again,understanding that I've got this
written down that life, firstof all, change is inevitable,
(07:39):
but it's an opportunity forgrowth that can lead to deeper
connection and resiliency in arelationship.
Yes.
Understanding that.
You know that it istransformative.
You were going through someanalogies as we were getting
ready to talk about this, ofchanges in our life, but it
really it's understanding thatit is, it's a natural part of
(08:03):
life and it's there you couldlook at there's life stages.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
Okay, talk about that .
Speaker 1 (08:09):
So each stage of life and it brings its own set of
changes, from dating to marriage, For most couples, parenthood.
So learning to acknowledgethese phases.
It comes with unique challenges, obviously, but joys and it
(08:31):
helps each couple.
You know when you really it's amental and emotional, Obviously
, we believe, a spiritual partof our life that change Again,
it's happening.
Speaker 3 (08:42):
Yes, change every day .
Day, something changes wechange.
Even just based on what weexperience in a day can bring
about change.
Sometimes it's very tiny, itmight be gosh.
It could be something as simpleas if you're used to eating
(09:07):
dinner at six o'clock everyevening and you know I have to
work late.
Well, now we're going to eat atseven.
So you might say, well, youknow, would you really call that
change, but it's, you know whenpeople are used to patterns
when there's something differentthat happens sometimes, that
can really be challenging orjust throw things off kilter.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
Well, you brought this up.
I didn't know we were going toget into that.
But since you said that, that'sagain understanding.
You've got to learn to beflexible and adaptable in a
marriage?
Speaker 3 (09:41):
Yes, you have to.
I know I don't know.
I mean you know.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
It's not simple, but most couples don't realize.
You know, I think we, when wetalk to couples and we see an
issue and we really try tostress to them, saying you know,
getting married is not going tomake this better.
Let's work on this now,whatever the situation may be,
so you're better prepared whenyou get married.
Because when you get married itramps up, it doesn't get easier
(10:09):
, right, you say it all the timeMarriage is the best hard work.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
Right, you'll ever do .
You'll ever do, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
But you've got to learn flexibility, and that can
come with.
You know we'll just jump rightinto this.
You can discuss how the roleswithin the marriage may shift,
like what we've went throughover the last two or three years
.
I mean, here you are now onthis side, you've stepped away,
you've retired, you're learninga whole new pattern of your day
(10:37):
and what that looks like, andyou may have my lunch fixed for
me or something when I get readyto go.
I mean, that's a wonderfulchange for me.
I love that, but it's also,just like you said the other day
, for me personally as yourhusband.
I love that.
You said you know what?
I'm just going to recognizethat I need to learn to rest
(10:59):
today, and that's a big changefor you.
Oh, it's a huge change for 10years I have been a go, go, go.
Speaker 3 (11:07):
You know a million different things every day.
You know, just is just asvaluable to me as going outside
(11:31):
or working in the yard oranything else or having a
deadline exercise or whateverI'm wanting to do.
That rest is a wonderful gift Igive myself yes, so that's I
mean.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
So there, I think let me ask you so.
Do you think it's where the bighang up comes with most people?
I think there is a fear andthat's I know that's a big word
there's a fear associated.
When you say that word changein most people's minds.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
I agree.
I think that people, when theythink of the word change, they
associate that with having togive up something.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
Okay, so I've got this little thought here.
So fear when we're talkingabout, in chains, uncertainty
and the unknown associated withmajor life transactions, and
then obviously that can create,you know, maybe that's from a
past experience, whatever thecase may be, but it can come
(12:39):
from the fear which you justtouched on of losing yourself,
which you just touched on, oflosing yourself.
you know, whether you're in yourtwenties or you know we, we've
seen this a lot lately.
I don't know Trends, probablynot the right word, but we have
several couples that are intheir late thirties, that we,
that we counsel with, you know,going into their forties, that
(13:01):
are just getting married for thefirst time.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
Yes, true.
So, we probably met morecouples in that age range in the
last year than we ever have.
Yeah, people that are gettingmarried a little later on in
life.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
And we tell them the biggest challenge they're going
to have is because they've beenso used to doing something on
their one, on their own andtheir own way.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
For a long time, that it can be a little bumpy in the
beginning, because this is justthe way I've always done it and
I've just only had to dependupon myself.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
Right, they've lived in their singleness.
What is that they're?
Walking into their marriedness.
What is that?
That they're walking into theirmarriedness?
But you know, you?
I mean, we meet couples thathave been married for years
where I will think to myself asthey're talking you know one of
them's talking like oh, they'restill living in their singleness
(13:57):
.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
You know what does that mean and look like when you
.
Obviously I sit beside you whenthat happens, but what does
that mean?
What are you picking up on whenyou say that word?
You sense that from somebody.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
Usually it's someone who's not flexible.
They're inflexible, someone whohas a very strong opinion about
how they want their life to beled and even though they're
married, they don't really seemto include their spouse.
(14:34):
They're speaking from aperspective of what they want to
do personally, what it makes methink of like singleness,
meaning they're still living asa single person.
You know, like someone, someonewho gets married and feels like
the person they marry will justsign on to say yes to what they
(14:56):
already see the direction oftheir life going.
And now they just have thisperson coming alongside of them
that they love.
Who's just going to keep ridingin the boat in the same
direction, doing the same thingthat they want to do to enhance
their purpose?
To enhance what they want to doin their life.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
So would you say that I think I know the answer to
this, but what I think and youmay disagree, and if you do,
then great, let's talk aboutthat but do you think they
realize that?
Or do you think it's just theythink that's the way it should
be, that their spouse shouldjust come on board with every
(15:36):
one of their opinions?
I know I struggled with that, alittle bit of thinking.
You wanted to do everythingthat I wanted to do, and that
may be a little different, thatmay be a little calmer as far as
the dynamics of that, but whatdo you think?
Speaker 3 (15:50):
think about that um, I think it can go either way.
I think it can be.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
Uh, that's so you understand my question.
Do you think they're aware ofthat or do you think it's just
like?
Well, of course they want to doeverything I want to do, or see
everything the way I want tosee it.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Like I said, I think it can go either way.
I think they can be aware of itand just think that that is the
way that it's going, the waythat it should be.
I mean, they don't thinkthey're necessarily.
I think what you're trying toask me is do they realize that
it's really not a good idea tohave a single, have a single
mindset to live in thatsingleness.
(16:32):
Um, and I think over the yearsthe couples that we've sat with,
there have been some couplesthat maybe the you know one of
them has that type of a mindset,but I don't think they realize
that by picturing marriage likethat, that they're cutting out
(16:52):
their spouse's ideas.
Creativity, voice, everything,because we're really big on that
.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Maybe this is the first time you've listened to us
.
The power of communication, thepower of, that's another thing
I don't hear about learning howto be vulnerable.
If you've listened to us onetime or a hundred, you know
vulnerability is a big part ofwhat we talk about.
Robin stresses all the time theonly way to have a great
(17:21):
marriage is to ask greatquestions.
So if, if, if it, if it's nevera, like you said, a partnership
where you communicate and yourvoice is heard.
I mean, unfortunately we'veseen and had couples that we've
talked to that over time itbecomes this place where one
(17:42):
spouse just gives up, sure,because their opinion or their
thoughts on something are neverheard or validated or
appreciated.
Speaker 3 (17:52):
Right, like you see, couples where someone has a very
strong, like I said, strongopinion, strong personality, and
that they really genuinely feellike they've.
They've just figured out thingsand they, they just they know
the answers.
They've just figured out thingsand they know the answers, and
(18:15):
they can be very driven.
We've seen couples that there'slike a drivenness to succeed or
to do things a certain way,because that's what yields the
best results.
So they just feel like theirspouse should trust them, that
they, that they have great ideasand that and that just like a
(18:36):
total trust.
And I have trust in you, butyou always include me.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
So kind of what I hear you saying is why don't you
see the way I'm doing?
It's the best way.
Yeah.
And so so we want to be clear,so don't want, I mean this is
like a common thing usually andhonestly I mean, let's just get
to the bare bones of it.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
Really, when you are in a heated like, like beyond,
just like a simple argument, Imean when you're in a fight or
you have this constant thingthat just loops around, loops
around, loops, loops around.
Maybe you ask yourself am I sorigid that we keep going around
this mountain?
This is the same argument wehave over and over and over,
because I am just determinedthat I think it should be done
(19:20):
my way, and maybe my spouse isdetermined they think it should
be done their way, and we justnever meet in the middle.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
Well, let me ask you there, Robin.
I'm trying to be another voice.
Shame y'all couldn't see theincredible acting ability that
came along with that vocal.
My face was wonderful.
So let me ask you there what ifthe change I'm trying to let's
(19:49):
talk about, let's get back tothe focus on change.
What if my change that I'mtrying to get my spouse to do is
good for them?
That's a really hard one,because that's the thing I think
is the default that mostindividuals go back to.
Right.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
It's why don't what I'm suggesting is good for them
so, and I know it's good forthem, or good for them as a
couple.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Yes, so and I know this is a very slippery slope-
yes, you know when it comes tothis, because there is, there
can be truth in that.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
You know it's like, for example, we've seen this
multiple times, you know, whenwe've spoken to different
couples or somebody we hangingout with not even not in a
session just talk back and wesay, well, you know we don't do
a lot of sugar.
Or you know, we try to be awareof what we eat, and I mean, and
we're pretty healthy.
We could be even more healthier.
(20:47):
Yes, we definitely.
I think we could be healthier,but we're not bad.
Yeah, right, we don't do sodasand things like that.
So you know, when you bringthat up, you know you're at the
table.
Then the waiter comes and goesI would like a Coke.
You know, you kind of see it intheir face.
Like are they judging me?
Because I ordered a Coke andthey're just drinking water and
(21:09):
you're.
You're not trying to force youropinions on somebody You're
just talking about.
So that can happen sometimes inour marriage.
Yes.
If you will do this Right,you're going to reap the
benefits.
And so there's truth.
Yeah, and it's not that wedon't want that for our spouse,
(21:30):
but how do we navigate, becausethat's the thing we hear the
most.
How do we navigate that?
Speaker 3 (21:35):
Yeah, and it's hard.
I mean it is because if you aresomeone who's like staying on
the topic of someone who's veryhealthy, you know and you
believe in I don't know whateverit could be like eating certain
foods or exercising certaintimes and all that stuff, and
then your spouse is not reallyinto that, I mean, honestly, the
(21:57):
best advice if I can just sayadvice I would give is if it's a
passion of yours, right, and ifit's something that is a
priority for you, then you do it.
But you can't drag your spousealong or shame your spouse or
(22:18):
force your spouse to live inthat world with you until they
feel like they might see valuein that for themselves you know
and health is like.
That's a very specific thingthat you know.
You could back it up with dataand results and all that versus
(22:42):
like let's say a change of.
I'm trying to think like giveme an example of a different
kind of change that a couplewould go through.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
Oh wow, I didn't know you were going to put me on the
spot like that.
Um, I don't.
I mean okay, like values, forexample.
We touched on this like ifwe're trying to, if you're a
couple trying to buy a house andyou, one of you, just is a
(23:10):
spender.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
Somewhere you've got to be able to say so.
Here's the other side of thatcoin we're talking about.
You know, you can't force.
You've got to be able to sayyou're supposed to say, if we're
going to buy a house, this iswhat it's going to take to do
that, and this is what we'regoing to have to cut out, and
we're going to make thisdecision together, right, you
(23:34):
know, and you've got to be onthat same page.
Speaker 3 (23:35):
you hit the nail on the head right there.
If both of you are wishing youcould own a home, okay, you know
, I'm saying I think that thatmight be a change where both
could agree.
Here's what.
Here's what we could do to makethat happen.
Right, you know, um you don'twant to shame that's what I
heard.
I to make that happen, right,you know you don't want to shame
.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
That's what I heard.
Speaker 4 (23:52):
Sure, sure.
I'm not trying to say on healthor whatever.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
It's not like if you're listening to this, or I'm
not going to look at Robin whenI say this if my daughter was
listening to this, she'd say youknow, I can't tell you how many
times I've told you to stretch,you know.
So it's good for me.
I know I should stretch, I justI don't, I don't do it and I
(24:15):
don't know.
And I'm sitting here hearingmyself say this out loud and I
know I would be better off forit and I and I can't tell you
why I don't.
Speaker 3 (24:29):
but, but, I don't, but, I don't.
But you don't shame me.
You bring it up.
Sure, I bring it up as asuggestion.
And you watch me, I stretch,every day, I stretch.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
You're behind the couch.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
Yeah, I'm stretching, I'm doing things.
I'm going to put you one ofthose ballerina bars in.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
I'm going to install one of those or whatever, so you
can do that.
Speaker 3 (24:51):
Well with my health.
You know I had I had a health,some health things going on last
year and one of my lingering Idon't know what you would call
it, but something that I've hadto change about my how I treat
my body.
That really helps me now, dueto some things that happened
last year, is yeah, I mean, it'snot an option for me anymore,
like I just I want to stretchthings that happened last year
is.
Yeah, I, I mean it's not anoption for me anymore, like I
just I want to stretch.
(25:11):
It is like either I'm going tostretch or I just don't feel
good in my body.
I'm not I'm so.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
There's a great example so you know some things,
sometimes our circumstances canmake us where that we have to
have to change yes, yes but solet's stay on the value.
I don't want to go back overthat, but.
But the deal is understandingthat that when your values align
(25:39):
, when you're when the when whatyou're both trying to
accomplish as a couple, there'sthere's individual change.
Obviously, you know, because westill have to work on ourself
first yeah, to have.
To have a great marriage, you'vegot to work on yourself.
To have a great healthy family,you've got to work on yourself
and you've got to want to changeit Right.
So, like to the house situationagain.
(25:59):
You know that's something thatI don't know if you could be
more stern with, but you couldsay, hey, if we're serious about
this, you know we've got to,we've got to be on the same page
.
Speaker 3 (26:12):
Right, I don't know, we've got to make this change.
Yeah, stern might not be thebest word in my opinion, but I
think that you have but.
And again, that's only, though,if both parties, if the husband
, if you know, if you and yourspouse feel like you both want
to own a home.
But then one of you is like weshould buy a house and the other
one's like I'm not ready to buyyet, I just I think we should
(26:34):
rent another year.
Okay, so we and we've seen thatand those are, those are
challenges, and that reallydoesn't to me.
That doesn't have anything todo with a single mindset.
(26:58):
When I was single to married asmuch as it's like, no, no.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
No, well, you can say why this word we live in right
now.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
I mean where it is hard for younger couples to
purchase a home.
Or you know, you went to schooland you picked a career, and
then now do I still want to stayin that career, or maybe this
isn't what I thought it wasgoing to be, and yeah, or we
have to maybe possibly move to adifferent state for me to get
this job, and I mean, gosh,there's just so many, you know,
(27:30):
changes but not talking about it, not discussing it is not going
to help anything.
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
So you know, we've kind of looked at two scenarios
here a little bit.
We've looked at when change.
You know we'll stay on thehouse.
Let's say you're both on board.
Okay.
With that, with buying thehouse.
So from that point, you knowyou, you've got to communicate
and talk about things and be one, you know, the one's got to be
(28:04):
said hey, I recognize that Ishould have talked to you about
that before I spent that, youknow.
So those, those are the type ofconversations where you go on
this journey together yes andthen to the other um, you know
again, I'm not trying to begloom and doom here, but you
know, sometimes it only happens,like for you, for example with
(28:25):
the health thing that you wentthrough.
You know you've made aconscious effort to be in better
health, to stretch because ofthat.
You didn't ask for that, youknow.
Speaker 3 (28:37):
Right, no change happened.
You didn't ask for that, Right,no change happened.
And the only way for me toadapt to the changes that
happened in my body is I had topivot and adapt, you know to be
adaptive to a new lifestyle, tosomething that's going to work,
because where I was before andwhere I am now are different.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
So let me ask you again we're not trying to sound
like we're, you know, a infocommercial for a health nut or
something like that.
We're going to sell you sometype of herbal medicine or
something here in a minute.
Get ready If you buy it todayfor 29, 95.
No, what I'm saying is, I thinkit it comes down to how you
present that.
(29:19):
And then when you because wehave talked to couples that you
go, you know when you're tryingto get healthy and then a
circumstance has to, and thenthey have to get healthy, you
know, all of a sudden there'smassive change in that.
So I think it is circumstances.
You never want to shame yourspouse into doing something, uh.
(29:43):
And then there are situationswhere you've just got to what's
the word?
I don't want to sound like beokay with it, but know that that
may be something that's apassion of yours, is not a
passion of theirs.
You understand what I'm saying.
I think that's where the pushcomes sometimes, because like,
well, he or she or whateverdoesn't want to work out and I
(30:07):
do.
Well, then it's okay, go dothat.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
Right, right, yeah, I just think that's where.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
You can't allow, even though.
Speaker 3 (30:15):
I've said, like singleness, meaning having that
mindset of like how I lived as asingle person.
Some might say, well, isn'tthat kind of the same thing?
I don't think so.
I think that, if it's again,it's your, it's your, your
values, it's yournon-negotiables of like things,
you how you want, what you valuespending your time doing.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
So what I'm saying, so what I hear you say, it is so
if my husband or my wife neverworks out, then I guess I'm
going to leave them.
I mean, no, no, no, that's notwhat it is Right, but I mean
that would be the extreme ofsomething.
Speaker 3 (30:51):
Oh sure, Somebody where it's just like oh my gosh,
if you aren't, you know, butbut then to me those values, if
that's a value you have andyou're listening and you're not
married yet, then that'sdefinitely something you want to
bring to the table.
And talk about To someone thatyou're dating.
You know like, hey, this isreally important to me and so I
(31:12):
really enjoy this and look forsomeone that has a similar
mindset, has a similar mindset.
Now, if you're already marriedand you know, years in you start
seeing the value of lifestylechanges for better health or
whatever.
Um, yeah, I mean it, it'ssomething, yeah, yeah, all I can
say to it.
(31:32):
I can't necessarily say how tomake your spouse get on board
with you, because that's not thepoint, but it's more of um, can
you enjoy doing this, but notshaming your spouse because
you've made a change in acertain area and and they don't
see the value in that yet.
I mean, there's just you knowand you can look at like I know
(31:53):
we've been on this health thinghere for the last several
minutes but Rob and I weretalking before the podcast today
.
How funny it is that you knowRob was on the road as a
musician when we got married.
He had that had been hisprevious life, was traveling a
lot, and then we went intofull-time ministry and being on
(32:18):
the road and due to othercircumstances, I mean Rob just
wasn't like growing up he wasn'tthe you know he didn't mow.
He didn't mow the yard thatmuch.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
Right, Well, I did, but I hated it because it was
never.
I don't want to chase a rabbit.
I know I don't want to chase arabbit, but there was a reason,
because it's just like I neverdid it good enough for my dad,
and just just it caused.
Sure it could cause argumentsand stuff.
Exactly.
Speaker 3 (32:41):
So, you know, Rob, didn't he?
You know he traveled on theroad or lived in an apartment.
I mean, it wasn't like he had alawn to take care of.
So when we first got married,we rented a house.
You know, it was just like kindof like an overwhelming thought
to him to have to mow, and youknow, and it's in florida so
it's, like you know, harder thanhayteens.
(33:02):
Yeah, hell's back porch is wherehe's gonna be hanging out and
go out there and you know, mowand hopefully not melt into the
ground.
So I I mean I get that.
Um, but we were laughing aboutthis today because you know 26
year old rob was before you saythat.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
Your expectation of that was I was going to be out
there oh, sure because my dadmowed all the time.
Speaker 3 (33:25):
My dad my dad would mow at least twice a week,
because in florida, I mean, ifyou don't mow two times a week,
your house will be eaten up by,yeah, by, the yard, you know.
So, um, but fast forward, butfast forward, you know.
I told him.
I said isn't it funny that nowhere know, we've been on this
new property that we're at rightnow about eight months We've
(33:47):
been living here.
It's hard to believe that muchtime's gone by.
But now we own 16 acres and Robcan't wait to get home from
work to jump on the tractor andmow like for sometimes for two
or three hours at a time and hejust loves it.
So talking about change isn't?
You know?
We were just, I was like youknow.
That's a huge change in yourmindset from being, you know,
(34:10):
the guy who doesn't really wantto mow to.
I can't hardly get you off thetractor you know, some evenings
because you're really you justenjoy it so much and I love that
, and so that's where change.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
That's an individual change.
Sure, and that is what it'slike.
You know, like sleeping, youknow I mean you.
You told me the other day, forexample you said you know I
really, you know, I reallyadmire whatever words you use.
Said you know you really placea high value on rest.
Speaker 3 (34:38):
On sleep, on sleep.
Speaker 1 (34:39):
You know, because I try to get at least eight hours
a night.
You're six and a half to sevensometimes.
Speaker 3 (34:45):
I've been getting better, a lot better actually,
since I've been home.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
It's been kind of wild that I've been able to you
know, extend my sleep, but thatdoesn't stop me from loving you
or shaming you.
You know I encourage you to getmore rest because I think it's
good for your body, and you knowthat's just my opinion on that.
But you know that's somethingyou've got to get to on your
your own with that.
So so what we're saying is,let's, let's land this plane
here.
So I don't know if we, I don'tknow if we've really answered
(35:18):
any questions, but to a pointit's recognizing.
Yes, there are some things thatare non-negotiables.
We get that when you're datingor whatever, and even when
(35:40):
you're married, there arecircumstances sometimes out of
your control.
How do you deal with thosethings?
Speaker 3 (35:47):
And those things again we talked about, like
going from dating to gettingmarried, for those of you who
get married and then jump intoparenthood, but I'm also
thinking about career changes.
I'm also thinking about,honestly, even as we age.
You know too, we didn't eventouch on that, but you know, as
(36:08):
you age, things are changing.
Speaker 1 (36:10):
So health changes.
I mean again, not health as faras what we eat, but just when,
unseen circumstances,unfortunately.
I mean we all know somethingabout in our life that you know,
a spouse, or a situation wheresomebody's gotten sick, they may
get cancer.
I mean all the some of thosethings that are out of your
control you know, bring changein your life.
So the whole point, I think, ofwhat we're trying to say is
(36:34):
change is again inevitable.
Yes, change is again inevitable.
Speaker 3 (36:36):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (36:37):
So, if we can learn how to embrace change, keep
talking about change, not shameour partner when it's an
individual belief, which is whatI heard you say.
Speaker 3 (36:50):
Right, and I think we're not talking about morals.
No, no, we're just talkingabout the ways that we find
valuable as far as spending ourdays, our time, yeah together
and individually.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
Sure, because we believe in that, yes, the two of
us are one, but we don't agreeon everything.
I mean, you and I agree on lotsof stuff, but there are some
things that we just seedifferent.
Sure, and that's okay.
But running away from change Ithink that's what we're trying
to stress today is running awayfrom change is impossible
(37:25):
because it's always happening inour lives.
Speaker 3 (37:28):
Yeah, it is.
It's always going to be aconstant, and how we learn how
to navigate that change is superimportant, and when we have
discussions about changes,whether they are minor or major
changes, I, you know, I thinkthat I would love to, at least
(37:49):
you know, leave today's podcastwith, just you know, a few words
that I think are superimportant remaining vulnerable,
having good communication as aspouse.
Also being a good listener andif you haven't listened to our
podcast on being good listenerand being good speaker, those
(38:09):
are really good episodes butbeing a good listener, syncing
up, even if what your spousevalues may not be something that
you're very interested in, orif, and that has more to do like
hobbies, things like that,because I think we're kind of
hitting on those hobbies is theonly word I can think of.
(38:33):
Values are different from morals.
You know when to have kids,when to purchase a home, new
career, moving Gosh.
The list could go on and on.
Like I said, being vulnerable,trying your best to sync up, ask
good questions, be a goodlistener and when it's your turn
(38:56):
to speak, speak with kindness.
And when it's your turn tospeak.
Speak with kindness, look ateach other's eyes Face each
other, you know, yeah, just syncup, sync up as best as you can
and invite the Holy Spirit intothe middle of all of it.
Speaker 1 (39:18):
Yeah, I mean yeah, we didn't even begin to touch on
that.
I mean that's again.
I don't want to put up anothercan of worms here.
Speaker 2 (39:28):
It's a good can of worms.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
But, as a believer, absolutely inviting God into our
marriage is the key point thatability to ask Him and pray
together and say, god, we needto seek your wisdom on this
situation or what we want to do.
I mean, go back to the housesituation.
What was your prayer like about?
(39:50):
That what was your prayer.
Like God, if it is at the timefor us to buy a house, and if it
is, give us both peace.
That's something we've done ourentire marriage, whether it's
buy a house and if it is, giveus both peace.
That's something we've done ourentire marriage.
Whether it's buying a house,whether it's giving an offering
or whatever helping somebody, wediscuss that and we say, well,
(40:11):
hey, I need to pray about that.
And then let's get backtogether and talk about that so
that we know the direction thatwe want to go together and then,
if we both have peace about it,we move forward.
And then there are times weboth have said this to each
other go.
You know, I don't really know,but I have prayed.
I know you've prayed and I'llfollow your lead.
Speaker 3 (40:34):
Sure.
We've done that as well too, ohyeah we have, Absolutely we
have, you know and just um and Iknow this is the right at the
end of the podcast here,trusting your partner trusting,
yeah, trust, trusting yourspouse um is huge yeah because,
back to the initial thing as weclose out today, back to the
(40:55):
we're in this thing together yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (40:58):
We're a couple.
Yes, we're individual.
You're still Robin, I'm stillRob, but we're in this thing
together.
So we are trying to learn how.
Again, we've made the statementWe'd always don't have to think
alike, but we have to learn howto think together.
Speaker 3 (41:13):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (41:14):
So don't run away from change.
Speaker 3 (41:16):
Right, right.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
It's going to find you.
It's right outside the doorsomewhere.
You know, it's going to findyou.
There's no way to get away fromit.
Speaker 3 (41:28):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (41:29):
So don't allow fear, you know, of change or whatever.
Even if it's a change you'rereally trying to work on
yourself, don't let it createanxiety in a place where you get
stuck.
Speaker 3 (41:43):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (41:43):
I think that's when we see.
Speaker 3 (41:44):
It's learning how to exchange anxiety for
anticipation.
That's good, to become excitedby the possibilities of what lie
ahead that may not be sofamiliar, versus being afraid of
what's ahead because you don'tknow what to expect.
Speaker 1 (42:06):
And then this one.
It just hit me and we'll kindof close with this what?
What are you afraid of If yourspouse is pointing out something
that maybe you know you need tochange?
And you really keep pushingback on it.
That's where you got to askyourself Maybe again, because
(42:29):
we're in this together, maybethey're seeing something about
me that I'm not even aware isthere?
Wow, that's good.
That's what love is.
Yes, so change is not a badword, right.
And if they're seeing something, that's where the communication
, that's where the vulnerabilityallows those open conversations
to happen, even if it'sstretching.
(42:50):
I don't want to, but anyway,right.
Speaker 3 (42:55):
That's good babe.
Speaker 1 (42:56):
Yeah, Well good.
Speaker 3 (42:57):
All right guys?
Well, thanks for listening.
Speaker 1 (43:00):
I know this is a podcast, but I love you.
I love you All right Till nexttime.
See you guys.
Bye.
Speaker 3 (43:07):
Bye.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
You've been listening to Marriage and Us, with your
hosts, Rob and Robin Adkins.
Stay up to date by followingthem on Instagram at
marriageandus underscore podcastand on Twitter at marriageandus
.
Also hit the follow button soyou never miss an episode from
your favorite couple.
Hi, I'm Rob and I'm Robin.
Thanks for listening toMarriage and Us.
Each week we will talk aboutreal-life topics that couples
experience in everyday marriedlife.
So let's get to today's episode.
Hello everybody out there.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
Hi how you doing.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
How you doing.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
I'm good.
How are you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:31):
I'm glad to be back.
We've had a little break here.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
I know this year is just.
We're to July.
How did that happen?
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Well I know, Can you believe it?
We're five months away fromChristmas.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Are we?
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
Yeah're five months away from Christmas, are we?
Yeah, yeah, five months.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Wow, Incredible right .
Speaker 3 (00:51):
Good grief yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
So thanks for joining us on the podcast today.
If this is your first timelistening to us, I'm Rob and I'm
Robin that you are.
Just wanted to clarify that.
I know it says it on the intro,but I always like to say that.
But no, life's been busy, Lotsof things happening.
I don't think the last time wewere on you had actually had the
(01:15):
big transition that you're in.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Maybe, not.
No, I know.
So the beginning of June, soit's been about five weeks ago.
Five or six weeks ago now, Iwent ahead and retired from my
job that I had for 10 years Atthe hospital yeah, working in
the HR department.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
You were a brain surgeon?
No, you weren't.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
No way.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
I thought that's what you did there this whole time
very funny oh my gosh.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
Oh no, I I was uh oh man, sorry, I couldn't pass that
up I worked in human resourcesand did many things over the
last, like I said you, were abrain surgeon oh man, oh so, but
yeah, whole new world, um, youknow, being here on the farm and
(02:11):
just enjoying being out in thesun during the day and for some
of you don't that don't know.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
The reason she highlights that is where she
worked in.
The hospital was on the lowestfloor.
He possibly could be it was thebasement basement pretty much
the basement level.
There was no windows.
Speaker 3 (02:31):
No.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
And for some of you that know, robin, that's just
like it was a dungeon, basically.
You know, yes, that's what weall called it.
Oh, did you really?
Okay, yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:40):
So we, we, we worked down in the dungeon, yeah, so
that was probably the mostchallenging part of the job that
I had, because I love being outin the sun, I love gardening.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
You're a Florida girl .
Speaker 3 (02:54):
Yes, grew up in Florida.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
Had a pole.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
Yeah, exactly, so I like being outside.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
I know if you live in Florida and you're listening to
this everybody has a pole, butNashville not.
Everybody has a pool, no, noteveryone has a pool here.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
But yeah, that was really hard, especially in the
winter season.
I would get to work and it'sdark.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
And when I'm getting out at the end of the day the
sun's already setting.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
So, yeah, there would be a good three months where I
barely saw the sun.
You know, saw sunlight, so it'sbeen awesome.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
It's like living in Alaska.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
Yeah, maybe I don't know.
Yeah, I mean, well, I get it.
Yeah, right the sun goes right.
Maybe it's a little bit of astretch.
I don't think it's the samething as Alaska, but Okay, sorry
, alaska.
Oh, so it's.
Yeah, it's just awesome to justgo outside whenever I want, and
(03:51):
I have sweated more in the last, you know, six weeks than I
have no-transcript.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
This sounds terrible.
It's been um.
This sounds terrible.
You came in the other day.
I thought for sure.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
You said you were up there picking the legs off the
ants.
That's not what you said, butwhat it sounds like man, those
ants have really ticked her off.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
I mean, she is went to war with those things but you
were not.
Speaker 3 (04:41):
No, I forget what I said, but I know you said you
were picking the legs off theants.
I'm like no, I was not.
What in the world, how wouldone even go about doing that?
Speaker 1 (04:51):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
I'm waterboarding the ants.
I was trying to drown the ants.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
You were trying to drown the ants.
Speaker 3 (04:58):
Yeah, I've tried everything.
So if you're out there and youhave an idea of how I can you
know, get rid of the ants,because it's the ants and the
aphids and yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
So anyway, we're chasing a rabbit right now.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
So what are we?
What are we talking about today, besides ants?
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Well, since you brought that up, actually our
top topic today is about change.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
Okay, so they so how.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
I did that, um, probably well I don't know if
probably is the right word overthe years of what we've been
doing with marriage counselingand doing the podcast.
Uh, premarital, a lot is that Iwould say.
That word stirs up more emotionand discussion than just about
(05:52):
anything that we talk aboutchange.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Yes, I would say so, a lot of it's a lot of the how
do you struggle.
Yes, is based in.
Yeah, how do you change what?
Speaker 1 (06:04):
what does change look like?
Why is he not changing?
Why?
Speaker 2 (06:08):
is she not?
Speaker 1 (06:09):
changing.
Uh so all it's.
It's a just a dynamic of uhstress that so many couples just
struggle with how to process.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah, I mean, what kind of gotus on this some of you that have
(06:32):
listened to us in the past?
We have a term that we use forconflict that we just added the
word productive conflict.
We added a word in front ofthat.
Speaker 3 (06:43):
In front of the word conduct Conflict yes.
Conflict.
Sorry, I think I said conduct,but it does have to do with
conduct sometimes.
That's okay, yes, but addingproductive to the word conflict.
Let me get you back on track.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Yeah, so productive conflict, yes, and the power
that we've seen in not only inour own lives but other couples
that we introduced that phraseto, how it does begin to shift
their minds on understandingthat there are positive things
that can come out of conflict,because most of us run from
conflict, especially in ourmarriage.
(07:17):
But any relationship, if ourfriendship, whatever, you know,
co-worker, you can run away fromthat because you just don't
want to have to be confrontedwith something.
So it got us thinking again,understanding that I've got this
written down that life, firstof all, change is inevitable,
(07:39):
but it's an opportunity forgrowth that can lead to deeper
connection and resiliency in arelationship.
Yes.
Understanding that.
You know that it istransformative.
You were going through someanalogies as we were getting
ready to talk about this, ofchanges in our life, but it
really it's understanding thatit is, it's a natural part of
(08:03):
life and it's there you couldlook at there's life stages.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
Okay, talk about that .
Speaker 1 (08:09):
So each stage of life and it brings its own set of
changes, from dating to marriage, For most couples, parenthood.
So learning to acknowledgethese phases.
It comes with unique challenges, obviously, but joys and it
(08:31):
helps each couple.
You know when you really it's amental and emotional, Obviously
, we believe, a spiritual partof our life that change Again,
it's happening.
Speaker 3 (08:42):
Yes, change every day .
Day, something changes wechange.
Even just based on what weexperience in a day can bring
about change.
Sometimes it's very tiny, itmight be gosh.
It could be something as simpleas if you're used to eating
(09:07):
dinner at six o'clock everyevening and you know I have to
work late.
Well, now we're going to eat atseven.
So you might say, well, youknow, would you really call that
change, but it's, you know whenpeople are used to patterns
when there's something differentthat happens sometimes, that
can really be challenging orjust throw things off kilter.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
Well, you brought this up.
I didn't know we were going toget into that.
But since you said that, that'sagain understanding.
You've got to learn to beflexible and adaptable in a
marriage?
Speaker 3 (09:41):
Yes, you have to.
I know I don't know.
I mean you know.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
It's not simple, but most couples don't realize.
You know, I think we, when wetalk to couples and we see an
issue and we really try tostress to them, saying you know,
getting married is not going tomake this better.
Let's work on this now,whatever the situation may be,
so you're better prepared whenyou get married.
Because when you get married itramps up, it doesn't get easier
(10:09):
, right, you say it all the timeMarriage is the best hard work.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
Right, you'll ever do .
You'll ever do, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
But you've got to learn flexibility, and that can
come with.
You know we'll just jump rightinto this.
You can discuss how the roleswithin the marriage may shift,
like what we've went throughover the last two or three years
.
I mean, here you are now onthis side, you've stepped away,
you've retired, you're learninga whole new pattern of your day
(10:37):
and what that looks like, andyou may have my lunch fixed for
me or something when I get readyto go.
I mean, that's a wonderfulchange for me.
I love that, but it's also,just like you said the other day
, for me personally as yourhusband.
I love that.
You said you know what?
I'm just going to recognizethat I need to learn to rest
(10:59):
today, and that's a big changefor you.
Oh, it's a huge change for 10years I have been a go, go, go.
Speaker 3 (11:07):
You know a million different things every day.
You know, just is just asvaluable to me as going outside
(11:31):
or working in the yard oranything else or having a
deadline exercise or whateverI'm wanting to do.
That rest is a wonderful gift Igive myself yes, so that's I
mean.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
So there, I think let me ask you so.
Do you think it's where the bighang up comes with most people?
I think there is a fear andthat's I know that's a big word
there's a fear associated.
When you say that word changein most people's minds.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
I agree.
I think that people, when theythink of the word change, they
associate that with having togive up something.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
Okay, so I've got this little thought here.
So fear when we're talkingabout, in chains, uncertainty
and the unknown associated withmajor life transactions, and
then obviously that can create,you know, maybe that's from a
past experience, whatever thecase may be, but it can come
(12:39):
from the fear which you justtouched on of losing yourself,
which you just touched on, oflosing yourself.
you know, whether you're in yourtwenties or you know we, we've
seen this a lot lately.
I don't know Trends, probablynot the right word, but we have
several couples that are intheir late thirties, that we,
that we counsel with, you know,going into their forties, that
(13:01):
are just getting married for thefirst time.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
Yes, true.
So, we probably met morecouples in that age range in the
last year than we ever have.
Yeah, people that are gettingmarried a little later on in
life.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
And we tell them the biggest challenge they're going
to have is because they've beenso used to doing something on
their one, on their own andtheir own way.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
For a long time, that it can be a little bumpy in the
beginning, because this is justthe way I've always done it and
I've just only had to dependupon myself.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
Right, they've lived in their singleness.
What is that they're?
Walking into their marriedness.
What is that?
That they're walking into theirmarriedness?
But you know, you?
I mean, we meet couples thathave been married for years
where I will think to myself asthey're talking you know one of
them's talking like oh, they'restill living in their singleness
(13:57):
.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
You know what does that mean and look like when you
.
Obviously I sit beside you whenthat happens, but what does
that mean?
What are you picking up on whenyou say that word?
You sense that from somebody.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
Usually it's someone who's not flexible.
They're inflexible, someone whohas a very strong opinion about
how they want their life to beled and even though they're
married, they don't really seemto include their spouse.
(14:34):
They're speaking from aperspective of what they want to
do personally, what it makes methink of like singleness,
meaning they're still living asa single person.
You know, like someone, someonewho gets married and feels like
the person they marry will justsign on to say yes to what they
(14:56):
already see the direction oftheir life going.
And now they just have thisperson coming alongside of them
that they love.
Who's just going to keep ridingin the boat in the same
direction, doing the same thingthat they want to do to enhance
their purpose?
To enhance what they want to doin their life.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
So would you say that I think I know the answer to
this, but what I think and youmay disagree, and if you do,
then great, let's talk aboutthat but do you think they
realize that?
Or do you think it's just theythink that's the way it should
be, that their spouse shouldjust come on board with every
(15:36):
one of their opinions?
I know I struggled with that, alittle bit of thinking.
You wanted to do everythingthat I wanted to do, and that
may be a little different, thatmay be a little calmer as far as
the dynamics of that, but whatdo you think?
Speaker 3 (15:50):
think about that um, I think it can go either way.
I think it can be.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
Uh, that's so you understand my question.
Do you think they're aware ofthat or do you think it's just
like?
Well, of course they want to doeverything I want to do, or see
everything the way I want tosee it.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Like I said, I think it can go either way.
I think they can be aware of itand just think that that is the
way that it's going, the waythat it should be.
I mean, they don't thinkthey're necessarily.
I think what you're trying toask me is do they realize that
it's really not a good idea tohave a single, have a single
mindset to live in thatsingleness.
(16:32):
Um, and I think over the yearsthe couples that we've sat with,
there have been some couplesthat maybe the you know one of
them has that type of a mindset,but I don't think they realize
that by picturing marriage likethat, that they're cutting out
(16:52):
their spouse's ideas.
Creativity, voice, everything,because we're really big on that
.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Maybe this is the first time you've listened to us
.
The power of communication, thepower of, that's another thing
I don't hear about learning howto be vulnerable.
If you've listened to us onetime or a hundred, you know
vulnerability is a big part ofwhat we talk about.
Robin stresses all the time theonly way to have a great
(17:21):
marriage is to ask greatquestions.
So if, if, if it, if it's nevera, like you said, a partnership
where you communicate and yourvoice is heard.
I mean, unfortunately we'veseen and had couples that we've
talked to that over time itbecomes this place where one
(17:42):
spouse just gives up, sure,because their opinion or their
thoughts on something are neverheard or validated or
appreciated.
Speaker 3 (17:52):
Right, like you see, couples where someone has a very
strong, like I said, strongopinion, strong personality, and
that they really genuinely feellike they've.
They've just figured out thingsand they, they just they know
the answers.
They've just figured out thingsand they know the answers, and
(18:15):
they can be very driven.
We've seen couples that there'slike a drivenness to succeed or
to do things a certain way,because that's what yields the
best results.
So they just feel like theirspouse should trust them, that
they, that they have great ideasand that and that just like a
(18:36):
total trust.
And I have trust in you, butyou always include me.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
So kind of what I hear you saying is why don't you
see the way I'm doing?
It's the best way.
Yeah.
And so so we want to be clear,so don't want, I mean this is
like a common thing usually andhonestly I mean, let's just get
to the bare bones of it.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
Really, when you are in a heated like, like beyond,
just like a simple argument, Imean when you're in a fight or
you have this constant thingthat just loops around, loops
around, loops, loops around.
Maybe you ask yourself am I sorigid that we keep going around
this mountain?
This is the same argument wehave over and over and over,
because I am just determinedthat I think it should be done
(19:20):
my way, and maybe my spouse isdetermined they think it should
be done their way, and we justnever meet in the middle.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
Well, let me ask you there, Robin.
I'm trying to be another voice.
Shame y'all couldn't see theincredible acting ability that
came along with that vocal.
My face was wonderful.
So let me ask you there what ifthe change I'm trying to let's
(19:49):
talk about, let's get back tothe focus on change.
What if my change that I'mtrying to get my spouse to do is
good for them?
That's a really hard one,because that's the thing I think
is the default that mostindividuals go back to.
Right.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
It's why don't what I'm suggesting is good for them
so, and I know it's good forthem, or good for them as a
couple.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Yes, so and I know this is a very slippery slope-
yes, you know when it comes tothis, because there is, there
can be truth in that.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
You know it's like, for example, we've seen this
multiple times, you know, whenwe've spoken to different
couples or somebody we hangingout with not even not in a
session just talk back and wesay, well, you know we don't do
a lot of sugar.
Or you know, we try to be awareof what we eat, and I mean, and
we're pretty healthy.
We could be even more healthier.
(20:47):
Yes, we definitely.
I think we could be healthier,but we're not bad.
Yeah, right, we don't do sodasand things like that.
So you know, when you bringthat up, you know you're at the
table.
Then the waiter comes and goesI would like a Coke.
You know, you kind of see it intheir face.
Like are they judging me?
Because I ordered a Coke andthey're just drinking water and
(21:09):
you're.
You're not trying to force youropinions on somebody You're
just talking about.
So that can happen sometimes inour marriage.
Yes.
If you will do this Right,you're going to reap the
benefits.
And so there's truth.
Yeah, and it's not that wedon't want that for our spouse,
(21:30):
but how do we navigate, becausethat's the thing we hear the
most.
How do we navigate that?
Speaker 3 (21:35):
Yeah, and it's hard.
I mean it is because if you aresomeone who's like staying on
the topic of someone who's veryhealthy, you know and you
believe in I don't know whateverit could be like eating certain
foods or exercising certaintimes and all that stuff, and
then your spouse is not reallyinto that, I mean, honestly, the
(21:57):
best advice if I can just sayadvice I would give is if it's a
passion of yours, right, and ifit's something that is a
priority for you, then you do it.
But you can't drag your spousealong or shame your spouse or
(22:18):
force your spouse to live inthat world with you until they
feel like they might see valuein that for themselves you know
and health is like.
That's a very specific thingthat you know.
You could back it up with dataand results and all that versus
(22:42):
like let's say a change of.
I'm trying to think like giveme an example of a different
kind of change that a couplewould go through.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
Oh wow, I didn't know you were going to put me on the
spot like that.
Um, I don't.
I mean okay, like values, forexample.
We touched on this like ifwe're trying to, if you're a
couple trying to buy a house andyou, one of you, just is a
(23:10):
spender.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
Somewhere you've got to be able to say so.
Here's the other side of thatcoin we're talking about.
You know, you can't force.
You've got to be able to sayyou're supposed to say, if we're
going to buy a house, this iswhat it's going to take to do
that, and this is what we'regoing to have to cut out, and
we're going to make thisdecision together, right, you
(23:34):
know, and you've got to be onthat same page.
Speaker 3 (23:35):
you hit the nail on the head right there.
If both of you are wishing youcould own a home, okay, you know
, I'm saying I think that thatmight be a change where both
could agree.
Here's what.
Here's what we could do to makethat happen.
Right, you know, um you don'twant to shame that's what I
heard.
I to make that happen, right,you know you don't want to shame
.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
That's what I heard.
Speaker 4 (23:52):
Sure, sure.
I'm not trying to say on healthor whatever.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
It's not like if you're listening to this, or I'm
not going to look at Robin whenI say this if my daughter was
listening to this, she'd say youknow, I can't tell you how many
times I've told you to stretch,you know.
So it's good for me.
I know I should stretch, I justI don't, I don't do it and I
(24:15):
don't know.
And I'm sitting here hearingmyself say this out loud and I
know I would be better off forit and I and I can't tell you
why I don't.
Speaker 3 (24:29):
but, but, I don't, but, I don't.
But you don't shame me.
You bring it up.
Sure, I bring it up as asuggestion.
And you watch me, I stretch,every day, I stretch.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
You're behind the couch.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
Yeah, I'm stretching, I'm doing things.
I'm going to put you one ofthose ballerina bars in.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
I'm going to install one of those or whatever, so you
can do that.
Speaker 3 (24:51):
Well with my health.
You know I had I had a health,some health things going on last
year and one of my lingering Idon't know what you would call
it, but something that I've hadto change about my how I treat
my body.
That really helps me now, dueto some things that happened
last year, is yeah, I mean, it'snot an option for me anymore,
like I just I want to stretchthings that happened last year
is.
Yeah, I, I mean it's not anoption for me anymore, like I
just I want to stretch.
(25:11):
It is like either I'm going tostretch or I just don't feel
good in my body.
I'm not I'm so.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
There's a great example so you know some things,
sometimes our circumstances canmake us where that we have to
have to change yes, yes but solet's stay on the value.
I don't want to go back overthat, but.
But the deal is understandingthat that when your values align
(25:39):
, when you're when the when whatyou're both trying to
accomplish as a couple, there'sthere's individual change.
Obviously, you know, because westill have to work on ourself
first yeah, to have.
To have a great marriage, you'vegot to work on yourself.
To have a great healthy family,you've got to work on yourself
and you've got to want to changeit Right.
So, like to the house situationagain.
(25:59):
You know that's something thatI don't know if you could be
more stern with, but you couldsay, hey, if we're serious about
this, you know we've got to,we've got to be on the same page
.
Speaker 3 (26:12):
Right, I don't know, we've got to make this change.
Yeah, stern might not be thebest word in my opinion, but I
think that you have but.
And again, that's only, though,if both parties, if the husband
, if you know, if you and yourspouse feel like you both want
to own a home.
But then one of you is like weshould buy a house and the other
one's like I'm not ready to buyyet, I just I think we should
(26:34):
rent another year.
Okay, so we and we've seen thatand those are, those are
challenges, and that reallydoesn't to me.
That doesn't have anything todo with a single mindset.
(26:58):
When I was single to married asmuch as it's like, no, no.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
No, well, you can say why this word we live in right
now.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
I mean where it is hard for younger couples to
purchase a home.
Or you know, you went to schooland you picked a career, and
then now do I still want to stayin that career, or maybe this
isn't what I thought it wasgoing to be, and yeah, or we
have to maybe possibly move to adifferent state for me to get
this job, and I mean, gosh,there's just so many, you know,
(27:30):
changes but not talking about it, not discussing it is not going
to help anything.
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
So you know, we've kind of looked at two scenarios
here a little bit.
We've looked at when change.
You know we'll stay on thehouse.
Let's say you're both on board.
Okay.
With that, with buying thehouse.
So from that point, you knowyou, you've got to communicate
and talk about things and be one, you know, the one's got to be
(28:04):
said hey, I recognize that Ishould have talked to you about
that before I spent that, youknow.
So those, those are the type ofconversations where you go on
this journey together yes andthen to the other um, you know
again, I'm not trying to begloom and doom here, but you
know, sometimes it only happens,like for you, for example with
(28:25):
the health thing that you wentthrough.
You know you've made aconscious effort to be in better
health, to stretch because ofthat.
You didn't ask for that, youknow.
Speaker 3 (28:37):
Right, no change happened.
You didn't ask for that, Right,no change happened.
And the only way for me toadapt to the changes that
happened in my body is I had topivot and adapt, you know to be
adaptive to a new lifestyle, tosomething that's going to work,
because where I was before andwhere I am now are different.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
So let me ask you again we're not trying to sound
like we're, you know, a infocommercial for a health nut or
something like that.
We're going to sell you sometype of herbal medicine or
something here in a minute.
Get ready If you buy it todayfor 29, 95.
No, what I'm saying is, I thinkit it comes down to how you
present that.
(29:19):
And then when you because wehave talked to couples that you
go, you know when you're tryingto get healthy and then a
circumstance has to, and thenthey have to get healthy, you
know, all of a sudden there'smassive change in that.
So I think it is circumstances.
You never want to shame yourspouse into doing something, uh.
(29:43):
And then there are situationswhere you've just got to what's
the word?
I don't want to sound like beokay with it, but know that that
may be something that's apassion of yours, is not a
passion of theirs.
You understand what I'm saying.
I think that's where the pushcomes sometimes, because like,
well, he or she or whateverdoesn't want to work out and I
(30:07):
do.
Well, then it's okay, go dothat.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
Right, right, yeah, I just think that's where.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
You can't allow, even though.
Speaker 3 (30:15):
I've said, like singleness, meaning having that
mindset of like how I lived as asingle person.
Some might say, well, isn'tthat kind of the same thing?
I don't think so.
I think that, if it's again,it's your, it's your, your
values, it's yournon-negotiables of like things,
you how you want, what you valuespending your time doing.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
So what I'm saying, so what I hear you say, it is so
if my husband or my wife neverworks out, then I guess I'm
going to leave them.
I mean, no, no, no, that's notwhat it is Right, but I mean
that would be the extreme ofsomething.
Speaker 3 (30:51):
Oh sure, Somebody where it's just like oh my gosh,
if you aren't, you know, butbut then to me those values, if
that's a value you have andyou're listening and you're not
married yet, then that'sdefinitely something you want to
bring to the table.
And talk about To someone thatyou're dating.
You know like, hey, this isreally important to me and so I
(31:12):
really enjoy this and look forsomeone that has a similar
mindset, has a similar mindset.
Now, if you're already marriedand you know, years in you start
seeing the value of lifestylechanges for better health or
whatever.
Um, yeah, I mean it, it'ssomething, yeah, yeah, all I can
say to it.
(31:32):
I can't necessarily say how tomake your spouse get on board
with you, because that's not thepoint, but it's more of um, can
you enjoy doing this, but notshaming your spouse because
you've made a change in acertain area and and they don't
see the value in that yet.
I mean, there's just you knowand you can look at like I know
(31:53):
we've been on this health thinghere for the last several
minutes but Rob and I weretalking before the podcast today
.
How funny it is that you knowRob was on the road as a
musician when we got married.
He had that had been hisprevious life, was traveling a
lot, and then we went intofull-time ministry and being on
(32:18):
the road and due to othercircumstances, I mean Rob just
wasn't like growing up he wasn'tthe you know he didn't mow.
He didn't mow the yard thatmuch.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
Right, Well, I did, but I hated it because it was
never.
I don't want to chase a rabbit.
I know I don't want to chase arabbit, but there was a reason,
because it's just like I neverdid it good enough for my dad,
and just just it caused.
Sure it could cause argumentsand stuff.
Exactly.
Speaker 3 (32:41):
So, you know, Rob, didn't he?
You know he traveled on theroad or lived in an apartment.
I mean, it wasn't like he had alawn to take care of.
So when we first got married,we rented a house.
You know, it was just like kindof like an overwhelming thought
to him to have to mow, and youknow, and it's in florida so
it's, like you know, harder thanhayteens.
(33:02):
Yeah, hell's back porch is wherehe's gonna be hanging out and
go out there and you know, mowand hopefully not melt into the
ground.
So I I mean I get that.
Um, but we were laughing aboutthis today because you know 26
year old rob was before you saythat.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
Your expectation of that was I was going to be out
there oh, sure because my dadmowed all the time.
Speaker 3 (33:25):
My dad my dad would mow at least twice a week,
because in florida, I mean, ifyou don't mow two times a week,
your house will be eaten up by,yeah, by, the yard, you know.
So, um, but fast forward, butfast forward, you know.
I told him.
I said isn't it funny that nowhere know, we've been on this
new property that we're at rightnow about eight months We've
(33:47):
been living here.
It's hard to believe that muchtime's gone by.
But now we own 16 acres and Robcan't wait to get home from
work to jump on the tractor andmow like for sometimes for two
or three hours at a time and hejust loves it.
So talking about change isn't?
You know?
We were just, I was like youknow.
That's a huge change in yourmindset from being, you know,
(34:10):
the guy who doesn't really wantto mow to.
I can't hardly get you off thetractor you know, some evenings
because you're really you justenjoy it so much and I love that
, and so that's where change.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
That's an individual change.
Sure, and that is what it'slike.
You know, like sleeping, youknow I mean you.
You told me the other day, forexample you said you know I
really, you know, I reallyadmire whatever words you use.
Said you know you really placea high value on rest.
Speaker 3 (34:38):
On sleep, on sleep.
Speaker 1 (34:39):
You know, because I try to get at least eight hours
a night.
You're six and a half to sevensometimes.
Speaker 3 (34:45):
I've been getting better, a lot better actually,
since I've been home.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
It's been kind of wild that I've been able to you
know, extend my sleep, but thatdoesn't stop me from loving you
or shaming you.
You know I encourage you to getmore rest because I think it's
good for your body, and you knowthat's just my opinion on that.
But you know that's somethingyou've got to get to on your
your own with that.
So so what we're saying is,let's, let's land this plane
here.
So I don't know if we, I don'tknow if we've really answered
(35:18):
any questions, but to a pointit's recognizing.
Yes, there are some things thatare non-negotiables.
We get that when you're datingor whatever, and even when
(35:40):
you're married, there arecircumstances sometimes out of
your control.
How do you deal with thosethings?
Speaker 3 (35:47):
And those things again we talked about, like
going from dating to gettingmarried, for those of you who
get married and then jump intoparenthood, but I'm also
thinking about career changes.
I'm also thinking about,honestly, even as we age.
You know too, we didn't eventouch on that, but you know, as
(36:08):
you age, things are changing.
Speaker 1 (36:10):
So health changes.
I mean again, not health as faras what we eat, but just when,
unseen circumstances,unfortunately.
I mean we all know somethingabout in our life that you know,
a spouse, or a situation wheresomebody's gotten sick, they may
get cancer.
I mean all the some of thosethings that are out of your
control you know, bring changein your life.
So the whole point, I think, ofwhat we're trying to say is
(36:34):
change is again inevitable.
Yes, change is again inevitable.
Speaker 3 (36:36):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (36:37):
So, if we can learn how to embrace change, keep
talking about change, not shameour partner when it's an
individual belief, which is whatI heard you say.
Speaker 3 (36:50):
Right, and I think we're not talking about morals.
No, no, we're just talkingabout the ways that we find
valuable as far as spending ourdays, our time, yeah together
and individually.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
Sure, because we believe in that, yes, the two of
us are one, but we don't agreeon everything.
I mean, you and I agree on lotsof stuff, but there are some
things that we just seedifferent.
Sure, and that's okay.
But running away from change Ithink that's what we're trying
to stress today is running awayfrom change is impossible
(37:25):
because it's always happening inour lives.
Speaker 3 (37:28):
Yeah, it is.
It's always going to be aconstant, and how we learn how
to navigate that change is superimportant, and when we have
discussions about changes,whether they are minor or major
changes, I, you know, I thinkthat I would love to, at least
(37:49):
you know, leave today's podcastwith, just you know, a few words
that I think are superimportant remaining vulnerable,
having good communication as aspouse.
Also being a good listener andif you haven't listened to our
podcast on being good listenerand being good speaker, those
(38:09):
are really good episodes butbeing a good listener, syncing
up, even if what your spousevalues may not be something that
you're very interested in, orif, and that has more to do like
hobbies, things like that,because I think we're kind of
hitting on those hobbies is theonly word I can think of.
(38:33):
Values are different from morals.
You know when to have kids,when to purchase a home, new
career, moving Gosh.
The list could go on and on.
Like I said, being vulnerable,trying your best to sync up, ask
good questions, be a goodlistener and when it's your turn
(38:56):
to speak, speak with kindness.
And when it's your turn tospeak.
Speak with kindness, look ateach other's eyes Face each
other, you know, yeah, just syncup, sync up as best as you can
and invite the Holy Spirit intothe middle of all of it.
Speaker 1 (39:18):
Yeah, I mean yeah, we didn't even begin to touch on
that.
I mean that's again.
I don't want to put up anothercan of worms here.
Speaker 2 (39:28):
It's a good can of worms.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
But, as a believer, absolutely inviting God into our
marriage is the key point thatability to ask Him and pray
together and say, god, we needto seek your wisdom on this
situation or what we want to do.
I mean, go back to the housesituation.
What was your prayer like about?
(39:50):
That what was your prayer.
Like God, if it is at the timefor us to buy a house, and if it
is, give us both peace.
That's something we've done ourentire marriage, whether it's
buy a house and if it is, giveus both peace.
That's something we've done ourentire marriage.
Whether it's buying a house,whether it's giving an offering
or whatever helping somebody, wediscuss that and we say, well,
(40:11):
hey, I need to pray about that.
And then let's get backtogether and talk about that so
that we know the direction thatwe want to go together and then,
if we both have peace about it,we move forward.
And then there are times weboth have said this to each
other go.
You know, I don't really know,but I have prayed.
I know you've prayed and I'llfollow your lead.
Speaker 3 (40:34):
Sure.
We've done that as well too, ohyeah we have, Absolutely we
have, you know and just um and Iknow this is the right at the
end of the podcast here,trusting your partner trusting,
yeah, trust, trusting yourspouse um is huge yeah because,
back to the initial thing as weclose out today, back to the
(40:55):
we're in this thing together yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (40:58):
We're a couple.
Yes, we're individual.
You're still Robin, I'm stillRob, but we're in this thing
together.
So we are trying to learn how.
Again, we've made the statementWe'd always don't have to think
alike, but we have to learn howto think together.
Speaker 3 (41:13):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (41:14):
So don't run away from change.
Speaker 3 (41:16):
Right, right.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
It's going to find you.
It's right outside the doorsomewhere.
You know, it's going to findyou.
There's no way to get away fromit.
Speaker 3 (41:28):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (41:29):
So don't allow fear, you know, of change or whatever.
Even if it's a change you'rereally trying to work on
yourself, don't let it createanxiety in a place where you get
stuck.
Speaker 3 (41:43):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (41:43):
I think that's when we see.
Speaker 3 (41:44):
It's learning how to exchange anxiety for
anticipation.
That's good, to become excitedby the possibilities of what lie
ahead that may not be sofamiliar, versus being afraid of
what's ahead because you don'tknow what to expect.
Speaker 1 (42:06):
And then this one.
It just hit me and we'll kindof close with this what?
What are you afraid of If yourspouse is pointing out something
that maybe you know you need tochange?
And you really keep pushingback on it.
That's where you got to askyourself Maybe again, because
(42:29):
we're in this together, maybethey're seeing something about
me that I'm not even aware isthere?
Wow, that's good.
That's what love is.
Yes, so change is not a badword, right.
And if they're seeing something, that's where the communication
, that's where the vulnerabilityallows those open conversations
to happen, even if it'sstretching.
(42:50):
I don't want to, but anyway,right.
Speaker 3 (42:55):
That's good babe.
Speaker 1 (42:56):
Yeah, Well good.
Speaker 3 (42:57):
All right guys?
Well, thanks for listening.
Speaker 1 (43:00):
I know this is a podcast, but I love you.
I love you All right Till nexttime.
See you guys.
Bye.
Speaker 3 (43:07):
Bye.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
You've been listening to Marriage and Us, with your
hosts, Rob and Robin Adkins.
Stay up to date by followingthem on Instagram at
marriageandus underscore podcastand on Twitter at marriageandus
.
Also hit the follow button soyou never miss an episode from
your favorite couple.
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