January 14, 2025 • 32 mins
We explore how certain timeless mistakes continue to unravel relationships, particularly when it comes to understanding and validating our partner's feelings. Our conversation is interwoven with heartfelt stories, such as the unforgettable moment at a Three Doors Down concert where lead singer Brad Arnold's open declaration of faith left an indelible mark on us, reminding us of the surprising ways faith can manifest in public life.
Brad Arnold's transformative journey of faith captured our attention, sparking a desire to have him and his wife share their story with us. We examine the profound impact faith can have on relationships, noting how it can visibly alter one's outlook on life. Through personal anecdotes and testimonies, we dive into the often-overlooked importance of prioritizing the emotions and emergencies of our loved ones. We explore how empathy and understanding can change not just personal dynamics but also the way we interact with the world, as beautifully illustrated by a young girl named Elke during a youth sports event.
The power of small groups in nurturing spiritual growth and deepening relationships is a theme that resonates throughout our discussion. We reflect on the unique presence of God in intimate gatherings and the transformative effects these interactions can have. With anticipation, we look forward to resuming our "Married AF" small group, ready to embrace the blessings of community and shared wisdom. Through candid conversations, we aim to inspire a renewed appreciation for empathy, understanding, and the invaluable connections that enrich our lives. Join us for a heartfelt journey into the intricate dynamics of relationships and the unexpected sources of strength and guidance.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You are making two huge mistakes in your marriage
and really all yourrelationships, and you weren't
even aware of it, and we arehere to address that today.
That, I will think, will be agame changer for anyone who
listens to this.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Here's a question for you Is marriage overrated?
Why aren't people gettingmarried anymore?
A new pew research poll foundthat two and five young adults
think marriage is an outdatedtradition marriage rates are at
their lowest right now.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Is marriage really even worth it?
Speaker 2 (00:37):
more than half of marriages end in divorce if you
get married, you have to bestuck with this person for the
rest of your life, right, that'swhy you get married.
So that's why it's declining.
Why would you get married?
You have to be stuck with thisperson for the rest of your life
, right, that's why you getmarried.
So that's why it's declining.
Why would you get married?
If you want to have just onepartner when you can have
multiple Marriage is stupid.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Welcome to the Married AF Podcast, the
self-proclaimed greatestmarriage relationship podcast in
the world.
We are your hosts, matthew andMonica Powers, and chances are
you are making two huge mistakesin your marriage and really all
your relationships and youweren't even aware of it, and we
are here to address that today.
That, I will think, will be agame changer for anyone who
(01:17):
listens to this, because yousent me this devotion maybe a
month or so ago and you're like.
This hits home.
I feel every bit of this yousaid, especially with our
children, and when I read it Ifelt every bit of that with our
children and really with allsorts of relationships, and I
guarantee you people are makingthe exact same mistake in their
(01:39):
relationships and they have noidea that they're doing it.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
This was all you.
You found this.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
I found it but.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
You found it.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
I sent it to you because you do one of those and
I'm just Drives you absolutelynuts.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
I get it.
So we're here to try and helpeveryone not make these same
exact mistakes, but before we doso, we want to, real quick.
Just Our hearts go out to thepeople of LA.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
With what they're dealing with right now with the
fires.
It's been going on for over aweek, I believe.
Now, as we're recording thisnow, la is like our number one
spot.
So we know we have people there, we have viewers, we have
listeners there, we have peoplewho are supporting us there 25%
of our podcast.
(02:28):
Our hearts and prayers go out toyou guys.
One of my best friends in thewhole world has a business
that's right there in SantaMonica and I've been getting
updates from him and he's beentelling me listen, we're miles
away from this thing justabsolutely taking over their
business there.
So we see what's going on.
It's devastating what'shappening there.
(02:49):
We pray God will give somerelief, get some rain, the winds
to die down and just give theopportunity.
The Santa Ana winds will notcome in at 50 miles an hour and
just blow this thing up.
So we're definitely watching,we're with you, thinking about
you, praying for you for sure,not just your health and safety,
of course, but your homes too.
(03:10):
I mean, people are losing homesleft and right.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
And we've heard horrible stories about insurance
companies.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Yeah, I've heard insurance companies have been
dropping fire insurance, whichis horrible, it's sad, it's
devastating to people, but justpray that you can get the relief
and safety that you need andall of that.
We're there, we're with you inevery bit of it.
And also, before we get started, something that you found this
week my favorite band ever,Three Doors Down, like forever
(03:40):
and ever.
I mean, we've gone to and we'veprobably seen them 15 or 20
times.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Easy.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
At a minimum, and they've just kind of just
recently been coming back aroundand we've seen them several
different times and the firsttime we saw them when they came
back around was at UniversalStudios and the lead singer,
brad Arnold, really just openedup and shared his faith in Jesus
at that show, at a rock show,which you don't see, that at all
.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
I was in tears, shared his faith in Jesus at
that show, at a rock show whichyou don't see that at all.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
I was in tears of joy , honestly, and we're like holy
smokes.
We're like I got to hear moreabout this.
What in the world, never in amillion years would have thought
that?
And we've seen him severaltimes since and each time he
gets a little bit more in-depth,he gets a little more
comfortable.
It looks like being able toshare his faith in Jesus.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
The testimony gets a little bit longer at each show
that we've been to.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
And we're like, oh my gosh, we'd love to talk to him
just to hear about it.
Well, the dude has been on apodcast to share his testimony.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Which is great.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
It's great, and I haven't listened to it yet.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
I think it just came out a few days ago.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
It did I.
It just came out a few days ago.
It did.
I'll probably listen to it assoon as we get done recording,
because I'm dying to hear thetestimony because we even talked
about.
I want to know how did he gofrom here to here, what were the
steps, what happened in hislife and what brought him in the
faith in Jesus.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
And you can see and how do we get him on the podcast
to get him to tell us the story?
To?
Tell the story of his faith,Fred Arnold if you're listening,
we would love to have you onour podcast.
Just saying Would love it somuch, bring your wife.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Absolutely Would love to hear that side I love that.
I would love to hear her sideof it also.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
Because she's a witness to all of this.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
I mean she watched him go from where he was to
where he is now and you can tellwhen you see him performing and
I mean we don't know him at all, but we've seen him perform
several times, we've seen him onsocial media, we've seen him in
interviews you can tell there'sa difference about this guy.
I mean, it wouldn't take longif you saw him before and how he
performed, to seeing him nowsaying there's something
(05:38):
different.
And that's, I think, the hopefor all of us who follow Jesus
are to just live it out loud,where people will look at us and
say I don't know what it is,but there's something different
about that person and I got tofind out what that is.
And then that's our opportunityto be able to go in and share
what Jesus has done for us.
So I can't wait to listen to itand hear that whole story.
(06:00):
Honestly, a little bummed, Iwould have loved for it to be us
.
That would have been amazing andso cool.
But hey, listen, you never knowwhat may happen.
Brad Arnold, if you'relistening, we want to know who's
listening.
We'd love to talk to you andyour wife just to hear what that
whole story was like andespecially the impact on the
relationship that you guys have,so unbelievable.
And last thing, before we getstarted, we haven't talked about
(06:23):
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they're a little loose aroundthe belly, which is nice, but
they're tighter up top aroundthe arms.
(06:44):
It's great clothing, greatcompany, christian-based
organization, kingdomandwillcom.
Go visit them.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
Aren't they here in?
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Alabama.
They're based out of Montgomery, Alabama, which is about an
hour south of us.
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Marriedaf is your promo code atkingdomandwillcom.
So two huge mistakes people aremaking in their relationships.
Number one are you ready?
Speaker 2 (07:12):
I'm not sure.
Should I be taking notes?
Speaker 1 (07:14):
No, you already know all about this anyways.
First, one first mistake wemake is we react without trying
to understand and what thedevotion said, and I'll read a
little bit of it.
We pay too much attention tosomeone's words and not enough
attention to the emotions behindthe words.
People say stuff when they'reangry that they don't even mean.
They use words they don'tintend to use.
(07:36):
They exaggerate things.
But you need to look behind thewords, at the emotion, because
people don't always say whatthey mean, but they always feel
what they feel.
So we're talking about feelings.
Now Bible's really clear theheart is the most deceitful
among all things, but feelingsare feelings.
(07:56):
Feelings are real.
We can't discount someone'sfeelings.
Can't discount our spouse'sfeelings, our kid's feelings,
our friend's feelings, ourboss's feelings, whoever it may
be.
We can't discount them.
But we are so quick to reactwithout trying to really
understand where someone iscoming from and something.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Yes, I know I'm guilty of it.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
It happens all the time we can't hear exactly what
they're saying.
We need to try and be moreconsiderate when someone comes
at us with something, andwhether someone is angry or
they're sad, or they'refrustrated or confused, we need
to be more considerate whenpeople are trying to tell us
(08:39):
something, because oftentimeswe're really quick to react
instead of respond to what isgoing to happen, because those
two things are hugely differentyes, I know I am guilty of.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
Maybe brushing it under the rug is the term I'm
looking for, but you know, whenyou're just too busy to do stuff
.
And it's not that I don't wantto respond, it's just the timing
of the action taking place doesnot fit with my timeline no I.
(09:18):
I can agree with that yeah, no,I can.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
I can see that sometimes because we have our
stuff that's going on.
But typically when someone'scoming with you, coming to you
with something, and especiallyif it's your spouse you know we
say a lot someone's emergency isnot my emergency.
But when it comes to yourspouse, their emergency should
pretty much be your emergency aswell, because you're for them,
(09:41):
you're with them.
Um, you shouldn't, you can't,always just stop what you're
doing in that moment and take inwhat it is they're giving to
you, but especially when it'syour spouse, I mean, I think
that's something you need to beconsiderate of what's going on,
so that first mistake that we'remaking timing and those things
too the time if you had aproblem and you needed to get it
(10:01):
done like that.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
Now I can't move on.
If you know, I'm in the middleof getting ready and my routine.
I mean, I attempt to do makeup.
It's not great it's.
I am no makeup connoisseur, butif I have something really
close to my eye and I'm tryingto get these silly eyelashes to
(10:25):
stay in place to make it looklike my eyes are at least open,
don't come at me.
I cannot stop in the middle ofthat.
So be aware of the timing.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
I agree, the timing is important when to come to
somebody.
So mistake number one we reactwithout trying to understand.
Number two, which I think mostpeople are going to be guilty of
this, and I don't think we'reaware that we're guilty of this,
and I think this can save youin so many instances.
It can reduce the number offights and arguments that you
may have.
We invalidate any feelings thatwe don't feel ourselves.
(10:59):
And the example that's givenhere.
It says, guys, if your wife orgirlfriend comes to you and says
I feel ugly, I feel fat, Don'tjust immediately say, oh well,
that's stupid.
Why would you feel that way?
You're not fat, You'rebeautiful.
Instead, ask the question well,why would you feel like that?
What would make you say that?
Because you firmly believe,because you've done this to me
before I do this to you everytime I hate how I look in this.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
Oh, it's one of those days I feel fat.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yes, and I'm guilty of saying baby, you're not fat,
You're beautiful.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
I'm like I don't want to hear you tell me I'm not fat
.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Exactly because your feelings are real.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
I feel that way, you feel that way.
There are some days that aregoing on in my life right now
where I've had to take medicineto get me to the point where I'm
happy and healthy.
This medication has made megain 30 pounds.
Yeah, I feel fat because I amfatter than I used to be, but
you see me as I don't see thatit doesn't matter, baby, you're
(12:00):
beautiful Just let me feel thefatness and, guys, that's't
matter, baby, you're beautiful.
Just let me feel the fatness.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
And guys, that's the complete wrong answer and
instead I agree with what thedevotion was saying is hey, why
would you say that?
Because that's definitely notsomething that I see.
But I don't want to invalidatewhat you're feeling, because it
is real.
I think we're so quick to judgeimmediately where, if someone,
especially our spouse, comes tous and says something that they
(12:25):
are feeling this way, they'reangry about something, and just
because you don't see it, weimmediately dismiss it.
We immediately think, well,that's stupid, you shouldn't
feel that way Get over it.
That's dumb.
Don't feel that way Now.
Move on and get over it.
Instead, they really reallyfeel that way.
Don't feel that way Now move onand get over it.
Instead, they really reallyfeel that way and we're just
dismissing them and theirconcern whatsoever, like it does
(12:48):
not matter, and we try to arguewith them on why they're
feeling that way, when the truthis they just feel that way.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
Just let me feel that way.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
And sometimes that's just the case.
We need to be there and I'llsay it again Be considerate to
how they feel.
Now, feelings they're realDoesn't always mean they're true
, but they're real and we feel acertain way and it could be
hard, it could be painful, butfeelings are horrible leaders
when it comes to makingdecisions.
(13:16):
And we've said that plenty oftimes Not lead with your
emotions.
You can't lead with youremotions.
You can't make decisions basedoff of your feelings.
But we can't just dismisssomeone's feelings now.
A good spouse will not allowtheir other, will allow their
spouse to make a decision basedoff of how they feel.
And that's where you come in tobe able to try and see where
(13:37):
they're coming from, see what itis that's going on, see why
they feel that way,understanding the why behind the
what, instead of just saying,well, that's really stupid.
You shouldn't feel like that atall.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
I've learned that is not also just the case in a
marriage.
You have to take that intoevery relationship.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Totally agree.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
I learned about the Enneagramagram we've talked
about this before the enneagram.
I never understood why I didnot have that many female
friends, because I always I'm aneight.
If anybody knows the enneagram,I'm an eight you're the
challenger I don't necessarilyhave feelings, in a sense, and
if I do, I don't want anybody toknow about it.
But it wasn't until a coupleyears ago, when I started
(14:31):
coaching, where I realized Ineed to know who I'm dealing
with.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
Because every person is different.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Everybody is different.
I can't coach a four the way Iwould coach an eight or a one or
a three.
You have to know who they areand how they react to certain
things so you can.
It helps you see why they'recoming from, where they're
(15:02):
coming from.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Which is so incredibly important.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
But me.
Until I figured all of that outabout the Enneagram as my
determined personality, where weare, just go, go, go, go, go.
See a problem, fix a problem,move on, I learned that not many
people can just suck it up andgo.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Most people, I would say, can't just suck it up and
go.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
It hits hard because our daughter is the feeling, the
empathy person Today in herbasketball game.
I tried to get the referee'sattention.
They're 10 years old.
They will stop the game andteach them and coach them.
It's great that they do that.
But this little girl, the ballwas out of bounds.
(15:49):
She was throwing it in.
It was for the other team.
Both of her shoes werecurrently untied.
Our daughter is right in herface trying to block her from
throwing the ball.
Here's mom, I'm not paying anyattention to the game.
I am strictly to the referee.
I don't want this baby to fall.
I don't want her to get hurt,because it can happen.
(16:11):
Somebody step on thoseshoestrings and she keeps going
and that shoestring stops herand bam.
I don't want a busted nose.
I don't want to have to.
I don't want that.
So our daughter, I don't wantto have to, I don't want that.
So our daughter hearseverything that I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
Because it's happening right in front of us,
five feet away from us.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
She tries to stop the game too.
The girl throws the ball.
She didn't know her shoes wereuntied.
This girl throws the ball in.
And my daughter?
She is more worried abouttrying to get the referee's
attention to help this littlegirl tie her shoes.
She turns around to the girlwho she gets the ball in.
They give the ball back to herand she shoots and then she
(16:50):
realizes that her shoes areuntied.
Our daughter stays with thisgirl to help get her shoes tied.
I know and the game is stillgoing they're not stopping the
game.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
Not the referee's job , to stop the game.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
No, she's like help, look, stop.
And the girl, both of the girls.
She just went down and tied hershoes.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
That was that.
Our little Elkie just stayedwith her, didn't want.
And you're like, I'm like whocares?
Speaker 2 (17:19):
The game's going on, go, but that's our sweet little
girl it is.
Now I will say she is adifferent person on the court.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
Oh, she is.
I mean, she scored 18 pointstoday.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
Of the 22 that were.
She's a baller and she'saggressive, and she's out there
to play, but she also will helpup anybody.
Speaker 1 (17:40):
Oh, she is.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
She's the kid that you want on the team for morale.
I did a little video becauseduring halftime she was trying
to be funny and make her teamlaugh because they were all
spent.
It was like 16 minutes.
They had two 16-minute quartersor two eight-minute quarters
the first half 16 minutes.
They had two 16-minute quartersor two eight-minute quarters
(18:03):
the first half of 16 minutes.
She was spent too she was tired.
But she gets up and she's doingall this kind of funny thing
with the coach and telling themthis and this and this.
She was just having a blast.
That's her sweet little heart.
But if you're going to go for ajump ball with her, you ain't
coming up with the ball.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
No, you're going to go for a jump ball with her.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
You ain't coming up with the ball.
No, you're not, but she's.
But that's the kind of thing.
You have to understand theperson.
You can't just brush it underthe rug.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
No, she, she gets this, she will.
She doesn't invalidate feelings.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
She, she is valid.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Everyone's feelings about some, and which is a bad
thing, sometimes too, uh, butyou're exactly right, like when
you got into coaching you can't.
You can't coach everyone thesame way.
No, and we can't treat everyperson the exact same way.
I love the old saying of yeahand in this case, and what we
should do is we don't treateveryone the same, but we treat
(18:56):
everyone fairly.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
You can't treat everyone, because we're not all
the same no, because someone mayfeel a certain way about this.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
Where someone else feels some way about this, it's
like the example they gave here.
Where can someone be cold andthen another person be warm in
the same room?
Absolutely, they can Us Exactsame thing.
Lately it's been the oppositeway around.
I'm cold all the time, you arefreezing and I'm pouring sweats
Like God the way around.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
I'm cold all the time you were freezing and I'm
pouring sweats like god bless.
I must be going throughmenopause and you're like I
guess I need some blood thicker.
I'm like what the heck is ablood thicker?
Speaker 1 (19:28):
it was a stupid joke.
Okay, I have blood thinners.
I was like I need some of thatblood thicker medicine that way,
even though they don't make it.
I understand that.
I know that it's not real.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
It was supposed to be a silly joke because we're
going to bed that was going togo completely against everything
that we're talking about rightnow and say that's dumb.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Honestly.
Okay, it is dumb, but I feel.
But listen, feelings are real.
They're not always truthful,but we feel a certain way
because we feel a certain wayand we can't always help that.
And we need to have people inour lives who can help us guide
through that and understand whywe feel that way.
And if the way we feel isstupid, we have people in our
(20:04):
lives who are not going to tellus just point blank hey, that's
stupid, that you feel that way.
Instead, they're going torealize okay, you feel this way,
let's find out why you feelthis way, and if you love
someone, you're going to steerthem towards what the truth may
actually be to make a factual,truthful, mindful decision
rather than a feelings-baseddecision.
(20:24):
So the two huge mistakes we makewe react without trying to
understand.
And mistake two we invalidateany feelings that we don't feel
ourselves.
And I think that is theabsolute biggest one.
So what are a couple thingsthat we can do to make sure we
are considerate and we areempathetic towards people?
First one listen.
First, men, this is the hardestthing for you to do.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
It's not just men.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
People, but men especially.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
I have a hard time with that too.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
We hear it and then our immediate thing is how do I
fix this?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Because I'm that mental thought Okay, there's a
problem, let's fix it.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Yes, what's a problem ?
Let's fix it.
Yes, what's the problem?
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Let's fix that problem Not everything is broken
, so it doesn't necessarily needto be fixed.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
Sometimes your spouse just needs to be heard.
Sometimes your spouse justneeds to know I hear you, I love
you and whatever it is you'refeeling, I'm here to walk
alongside you throughout it all.
Just to slow down and trulylisten to what is going on with
your spouse and try to find outwhy which is the second one.
(21:31):
Seek understanding Instead oftelling them they're stupid for
feeling a certain way, insteadof trying to fix the problem.
Which, man, mr Fix-It, that'swhat we're here to do.
I want to fix everything.
So-and-so, said so, saidsomething to you at work.
Well, I'll go show them.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
that's the feeling that we have all I think of is
Ross and Rachel, or no, yes,because she was saying he just
wanted to go and meet this guywho was saying these things, but
no, it was Joey.
When Joey was in love with herand she was Just trying to think
of something to talk about.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Wants to buy my baby yes, yes, that one.
Speaker 2 (22:08):
And she just saying something, Just to talk.
But that's his first reaction,I'm gonna take Care of this.
And he runs Straight to herwork and rips him a new one and
then she gets back to work andthey're like okay we have a
meeting with HR.
This message, this, thismeeting, is being recorded,
(22:30):
because by no means that I wantyou to think that I wanted to
buy your baby.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Yes, yes, and that's that's that's what we typically
do.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
We don't want to it's just an overreaction that
doesn't need to be Done, becauseif we would have, even in that
situation, if he would havereally understood why she said
that, because there's an awkward.
Speaker 1 (22:53):
Thing going on.
There's a tension there BecauseJoey was in love with her.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Uh huh, if you've gotten to the root, gotten to
the why, you would have knownthat.
Okay, I didn't need to rush tothe root.
Gotten to the why, you wouldhave known that, okay, I didn't
need to rush to the.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
Discovering the why behind the what.
So?
So we listen.
First, we slow down, we listento your spouse's heart, not
their words, but you listen totheir heart, you try to find out
why, and that's the biggestthing you have.
The second one seekunderstanding, ask questions.
Shocker, if your spouse comesto you with something and you're
trying to find out why.
Ask questions.
(23:28):
Thoughtful questions.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
Not questions that are well.
Why do you feel that way?
Speaker 1 (23:33):
More of a hey baby.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
That's very insensitive.
Speaker 1 (23:36):
Tell me what's going on.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
It's only going to make a fight.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Yeah, why would you think that?
A lot can be done with just thetone.
I mean you can say the exactsame thing, but it means two
completely different things,like why would you say that or
what would make you say that?
Two completely different things.
And you're going to take thattwo completely different
directions based off my tone andhow I say something and how I
ask something.
It's going to be two completelydifferent things.
(24:00):
So listen first, seekunderstanding and number three
offer empathy.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
That's something I struggle with.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
Offer empathy.
Why do you think you strugglewith that?
Speaker 2 (24:12):
Because I don't feel other people's feelings, but I
feel like God put our daughterin our life for me to have those
feelings because she feelseverybody's feelings.
Yes, she does Every little if I, if she comes home from school
and I'm here and she can justlook at my face, she will give
(24:35):
me a hug.
Mommy, is everything okay?
I just it's been.
It's been a day.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
She will just stand there and hold me like
uncomfortably long hugs, likeyou can't push her off, okay,
yeah get off of me that I wantto have my bad day.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
She won't let you have it no, she won't she wants
to be there, she wants to feelyour pain, she wants to help you
through.
It's like she wants to take itfrom you.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
She wants to and she is, she will take.
She would gladly take the painso someone else would feel
better and she would deal withthat.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
And that's I mean, that's essentially.
I mean that is offering empathy, it's letting that person know
that, hey, I see you, I hear you.
I don't understand it yet Idon't feel the same way you do,
but hey, I'm here with you, youdon't have to do this all by
yourself.
And I think that's the darkpath that a lot of people go
down is because we aren'toffering empathy, we're not
(25:37):
seeking understanding, we're notlistening, we are invalidating
their feelings.
People are left to feel likethey are all by themselves and
all alone in the way that theyfeel.
It's one of the biggest problemswe see in this world is we feel
like we are the only one who'sdealing with the stuff that
we're dealing with.
If we took these steps, if welistened, if we seek
(25:57):
understanding, if we offerempathy, we will quickly realize
that you are not going throughthis all alone.
The chances are there are somany people in your lives who
are dealing with or have dealtwith the same stuff you may be
dealing with right now.
So those little me too, momentsof just opening up and talking
(26:18):
about it, and that's whereyou're like oh my gosh, you're,
you're, you're all.
You are almost divorced.
We're almost there now you're,you're, you're all.
You were almost divorced.
We're almost there now.
You know you've you fought withthis.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
I did the exact same thing and to be able to to walk
with each other through that.
It isolates us more thananything and that's why I feel
like small groups are soimportant, and I know people say
that all the time, getting yourcity group or your small group
or this or that, it doesn't evenhave to be with a church.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
No, just being able to be.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
Be with people who you can talk to and be
vulnerable with in moments whereyou can go.
God, this sucks so bad.
I don't know what to do.
My husband is saying this and Idon't understand where he's
coming from.
I don't know what I'm doingwrong.
Just those little me toomoments to get you in those
positions with friends that cankeep you accountable or actually
(27:12):
tell you hey, yeah, I see it,he's not wrong.
Right, or have you tried totalk to him about it?
Speaker 1 (27:19):
yeah, and you, you have to be able to.
You have to be self-awareenough to give people that
authority in your life to beable to say that, like what you
just said, like, hey, I see, Isee that too.
You absolutely do that, becausemost people are going to be
willing to take that type ofcriticism.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
You're either the husband's friends or you're the
wife's friends.
Speaker 1 (27:39):
But you badly need people in your lives who will
quickly call you out and say, no, your husband's right here.
You do do this and it comesfrom a place of love, and we
have to have those people who dothat.
That's I agree.
Small groups are incrediblyimportant, uh, to be able to, to
experience that and have thatwith the, with those people or
you know, it doesn't necessarilyhave to be a small group no, it
(27:59):
doesn't just be your yourcircle, your circle of friends
that you trust and if they don'tgive you feedback or they don't
help you in those situations,they are not your friends.
I'd say you can quickly realizeif they're, those people are not
, because if they're just likeoh yeah, that stinks, I hate you
feel that way, I'm so sorry.
You need people who are goingto say oh man, I'm so sorry, but
(28:22):
you know, think of it this way,or look at it from this
standpoint, or, you know, thoseare the people who are there for
you and those are the peoplewho can help you, guide you
through whatever it is that youare struggling with.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
It's incredibly important Speaking of small
groups.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
We are doing our small group.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
We are bringing back the Married AF small group to
cultivate church.
It's starting here in probablya month or so After 21 days of
prayer and fasting.
I think they usually kick up.
So yes, we are bringing it back.
Maybe we should do somethingfor all of our listeners that
can't be here.
Maybe a little teaser, a littlecliffhanger are you throwing
out there?
I don't know, we haven't talkedabout it.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
It just came to to me .
I guess we need to talk aboutit, don't we stay tuned?
Speaker 1 (29:15):
stay tuned, listen to the next episode.
Maybe we'll have a littlesomething special for all you
people who can't be there mostof our listeners are not
necessarily from here no, infact, like 99 of them are not
from here.
Nobody.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
Nobody that likes us around here listens to us, so
we'll listen.
So thank you for everybody elsewho's watching.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
Listen, we'll see.
But yeah, the small group'scoming back.
We feel a deep need that.
This is Like you said you needa small group of people to be
able to do that.
I was reading it was adevotional the other day and it
small group of people to be ableto do that.
I was reading it was adevotional the other day and it
was.
They were talking about theverse where two or three are
gathered, god's presence isthere, and he was specifically
(30:01):
talking about that being in agroup of small people.
He said getting with two orthree people or four or five
people, but a small group ofpeople, he said.
And when you are able to get inthat group and be honest and
open up, he said, and open God'sword, he said God is there in
more ways than you could everthink that you need.
He said we have our one-on-onetime with God.
It's great, we need it.
We have corporate worship thatwe do once a week or twice a
(30:24):
week, and it's great and it'sneeded.
He said but, man, there issomething about being in a small
group of people, he said thatis where your real depth of
relationships come into play.
Dead on, absolutely dead on,which is the reason.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
We've learned that in the past 12 years.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
Yes, I think so.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
That's how long we've been at Colton.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
Yeah, the Married AF small group will be back in.
I guess that'll be the springsemester of 2025.
We're looking forward to it,definitely praying over it, and
just hope that God opens thedoors for people who need it and
that we can be here for themand help with those
relationships.
But for today, listen, seekempathy, seek understanding.
(31:06):
Don't invalidate feelings justbecause you don't feel it,
because the feelings are realand you're there to try and help
, steer someone in the rightdirection and try and get them
back where they need to go andit happens with your spouse, so
don't make these mistakes a gamechanger it is if you can figure
this out.
So any final thoughts before wego.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
I love you.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
I love you, let's get out of here.
God, we love you.
I love you.
Let's get out of here, god.
We love you.
God, we're so thankful for whatyou're doing.
We're thankful for your word.
We're thankful forrelationships.
We're thankful for therelationships that you brought
into our lives.
We're thankful for therelationships with listeners and
viewers who we don't even knowyet, but you have them in this
community and it's beautiful tosee.
And our prayer is always God,that you'll just take this to
(31:48):
the people who need to hear it,the ears that need to hear it.
And God, that the guards willbe broken down so people just
receive what it is that you need, because we all need you.
We look to you.
We love you in Jesus name, amenamen play ball.
You are making two huge mistakes in your marriage
and really all yourrelationships, and you weren't
even aware of it, and we arehere to address that today.
That, I will think, will be agame changer for anyone who
listens to this.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Here's a question for you Is marriage overrated?
Why aren't people gettingmarried anymore?
A new pew research poll foundthat two and five young adults
think marriage is an outdatedtradition marriage rates are at
their lowest right now.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Is marriage really even worth it?
Speaker 2 (00:37):
more than half of marriages end in divorce if you
get married, you have to bestuck with this person for the
rest of your life, right, that'swhy you get married.
So that's why it's declining.
Why would you get married?
You have to be stuck with thisperson for the rest of your life
, right, that's why you getmarried.
So that's why it's declining.
Why would you get married?
If you want to have just onepartner when you can have
multiple Marriage is stupid.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Welcome to the Married AF Podcast, the
self-proclaimed greatestmarriage relationship podcast in
the world.
We are your hosts, matthew andMonica Powers, and chances are
you are making two huge mistakesin your marriage and really all
your relationships and youweren't even aware of it, and we
are here to address that today.
That, I will think, will be agame changer for anyone who
(01:17):
listens to this, because yousent me this devotion maybe a
month or so ago and you're like.
This hits home.
I feel every bit of this yousaid, especially with our
children, and when I read it Ifelt every bit of that with our
children and really with allsorts of relationships, and I
guarantee you people are makingthe exact same mistake in their
(01:39):
relationships and they have noidea that they're doing it.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
This was all you.
You found this.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
I found it but.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
You found it.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
I sent it to you because you do one of those and
I'm just Drives you absolutelynuts.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
I get it.
So we're here to try and helpeveryone not make these same
exact mistakes, but before we doso, we want to, real quick.
Just Our hearts go out to thepeople of LA.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
With what they're dealing with right now with the
fires.
It's been going on for over aweek, I believe.
Now, as we're recording thisnow, la is like our number one
spot.
So we know we have people there, we have viewers, we have
listeners there, we have peoplewho are supporting us there 25%
of our podcast.
(02:28):
Our hearts and prayers go out toyou guys.
One of my best friends in thewhole world has a business
that's right there in SantaMonica and I've been getting
updates from him and he's beentelling me listen, we're miles
away from this thing justabsolutely taking over their
business there.
So we see what's going on.
It's devastating what'shappening there.
(02:49):
We pray God will give somerelief, get some rain, the winds
to die down and just give theopportunity.
The Santa Ana winds will notcome in at 50 miles an hour and
just blow this thing up.
So we're definitely watching,we're with you, thinking about
you, praying for you for sure,not just your health and safety,
of course, but your homes too.
(03:10):
I mean, people are losing homesleft and right.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
And we've heard horrible stories about insurance
companies.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Yeah, I've heard insurance companies have been
dropping fire insurance, whichis horrible, it's sad, it's
devastating to people, but justpray that you can get the relief
and safety that you need andall of that.
We're there, we're with you inevery bit of it.
And also, before we get started, something that you found this
week my favorite band ever,Three Doors Down, like forever
(03:40):
and ever.
I mean, we've gone to and we'veprobably seen them 15 or 20
times.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Easy.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
At a minimum, and they've just kind of just
recently been coming back aroundand we've seen them several
different times and the firsttime we saw them when they came
back around was at UniversalStudios and the lead singer,
brad Arnold, really just openedup and shared his faith in Jesus
at that show, at a rock show,which you don't see, that at all
.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
I was in tears, shared his faith in Jesus at
that show, at a rock show whichyou don't see that at all.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
I was in tears of joy , honestly, and we're like holy
smokes.
We're like I got to hear moreabout this.
What in the world, never in amillion years would have thought
that?
And we've seen him severaltimes since and each time he
gets a little bit more in-depth,he gets a little more
comfortable.
It looks like being able toshare his faith in Jesus.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
The testimony gets a little bit longer at each show
that we've been to.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
And we're like, oh my gosh, we'd love to talk to him
just to hear about it.
Well, the dude has been on apodcast to share his testimony.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Which is great.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
It's great, and I haven't listened to it yet.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
I think it just came out a few days ago.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
It did I.
It just came out a few days ago.
It did.
I'll probably listen to it assoon as we get done recording,
because I'm dying to hear thetestimony because we even talked
about.
I want to know how did he gofrom here to here, what were the
steps, what happened in hislife and what brought him in the
faith in Jesus.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
And you can see and how do we get him on the podcast
to get him to tell us the story?
To?
Tell the story of his faith,Fred Arnold if you're listening,
we would love to have you onour podcast.
Just saying Would love it somuch, bring your wife.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Absolutely Would love to hear that side I love that.
I would love to hear her sideof it also.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
Because she's a witness to all of this.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
I mean she watched him go from where he was to
where he is now and you can tellwhen you see him performing and
I mean we don't know him at all, but we've seen him perform
several times, we've seen him onsocial media, we've seen him in
interviews you can tell there'sa difference about this guy.
I mean, it wouldn't take longif you saw him before and how he
performed, to seeing him nowsaying there's something
(05:38):
different.
And that's, I think, the hopefor all of us who follow Jesus
are to just live it out loud,where people will look at us and
say I don't know what it is,but there's something different
about that person and I got tofind out what that is.
And then that's our opportunityto be able to go in and share
what Jesus has done for us.
So I can't wait to listen to itand hear that whole story.
(06:00):
Honestly, a little bummed, Iwould have loved for it to be us
.
That would have been amazing andso cool.
But hey, listen, you never knowwhat may happen.
Brad Arnold, if you'relistening, we want to know who's
listening.
We'd love to talk to you andyour wife just to hear what that
whole story was like andespecially the impact on the
relationship that you guys have,so unbelievable.
And last thing, before we getstarted, we haven't talked about
(06:23):
them in a while.
Kingdom and willcom it's been alittle while since we've been a
minute kingdom and willcom Iknow you got some stuff from
them, uh, we've gotten severalthings from them super soft
shirt the the most soft shirtsever not expecting it no, and
they for dudes, listen.
they're a little loose aroundthe belly, which is nice, but
they're tighter up top aroundthe arms.
(06:44):
It's great clothing, greatcompany, christian-based
organization, kingdomandwillcom.
Go visit them.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
Aren't they here in?
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Alabama.
They're based out of Montgomery, Alabama, which is about an
hour south of us.
Use promo code MARRIEDAF for15% off your entire order, All
orders, all the time.
Marriedaf is your promo code atkingdomandwillcom.
So two huge mistakes people aremaking in their relationships.
Number one are you ready?
Speaker 2 (07:12):
I'm not sure.
Should I be taking notes?
Speaker 1 (07:14):
No, you already know all about this anyways.
First, one first mistake wemake is we react without trying
to understand and what thedevotion said, and I'll read a
little bit of it.
We pay too much attention tosomeone's words and not enough
attention to the emotions behindthe words.
People say stuff when they'reangry that they don't even mean.
They use words they don'tintend to use.
(07:36):
They exaggerate things.
But you need to look behind thewords, at the emotion, because
people don't always say whatthey mean, but they always feel
what they feel.
So we're talking about feelings.
Now Bible's really clear theheart is the most deceitful
among all things, but feelingsare feelings.
(07:56):
Feelings are real.
We can't discount someone'sfeelings.
Can't discount our spouse'sfeelings, our kid's feelings,
our friend's feelings, ourboss's feelings, whoever it may
be.
We can't discount them.
But we are so quick to reactwithout trying to really
understand where someone iscoming from and something.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Yes, I know I'm guilty of it.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
It happens all the time we can't hear exactly what
they're saying.
We need to try and be moreconsiderate when someone comes
at us with something, andwhether someone is angry or
they're sad, or they'refrustrated or confused, we need
to be more considerate whenpeople are trying to tell us
(08:39):
something, because oftentimeswe're really quick to react
instead of respond to what isgoing to happen, because those
two things are hugely differentyes, I know I am guilty of.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
Maybe brushing it under the rug is the term I'm
looking for, but you know, whenyou're just too busy to do stuff
.
And it's not that I don't wantto respond, it's just the timing
of the action taking place doesnot fit with my timeline no I.
(09:18):
I can agree with that yeah, no,I can.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
I can see that sometimes because we have our
stuff that's going on.
But typically when someone'scoming with you, coming to you
with something, and especiallyif it's your spouse you know we
say a lot someone's emergency isnot my emergency.
But when it comes to yourspouse, their emergency should
pretty much be your emergency aswell, because you're for them,
(09:41):
you're with them.
Um, you shouldn't, you can't,always just stop what you're
doing in that moment and take inwhat it is they're giving to
you, but especially when it'syour spouse, I mean, I think
that's something you need to beconsiderate of what's going on,
so that first mistake that we'remaking timing and those things
too the time if you had aproblem and you needed to get it
(10:01):
done like that.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
Now I can't move on.
If you know, I'm in the middleof getting ready and my routine.
I mean, I attempt to do makeup.
It's not great it's.
I am no makeup connoisseur, butif I have something really
close to my eye and I'm tryingto get these silly eyelashes to
(10:25):
stay in place to make it looklike my eyes are at least open,
don't come at me.
I cannot stop in the middle ofthat.
So be aware of the timing.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
I agree, the timing is important when to come to
somebody.
So mistake number one we reactwithout trying to understand.
Number two, which I think mostpeople are going to be guilty of
this, and I don't think we'reaware that we're guilty of this,
and I think this can save youin so many instances.
It can reduce the number offights and arguments that you
may have.
We invalidate any feelings thatwe don't feel ourselves.
(10:59):
And the example that's givenhere.
It says, guys, if your wife orgirlfriend comes to you and says
I feel ugly, I feel fat, Don'tjust immediately say, oh well,
that's stupid.
Why would you feel that way?
You're not fat, You'rebeautiful.
Instead, ask the question well,why would you feel like that?
What would make you say that?
Because you firmly believe,because you've done this to me
before I do this to you everytime I hate how I look in this.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
Oh, it's one of those days I feel fat.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yes, and I'm guilty of saying baby, you're not fat,
You're beautiful.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
I'm like I don't want to hear you tell me I'm not fat
.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Exactly because your feelings are real.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
I feel that way, you feel that way.
There are some days that aregoing on in my life right now
where I've had to take medicineto get me to the point where I'm
happy and healthy.
This medication has made megain 30 pounds.
Yeah, I feel fat because I amfatter than I used to be, but
you see me as I don't see thatit doesn't matter, baby, you're
(12:00):
beautiful Just let me feel thefatness and, guys, that's't
matter, baby, you're beautiful.
Just let me feel the fatness.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
And guys, that's the complete wrong answer and
instead I agree with what thedevotion was saying is hey, why
would you say that?
Because that's definitely notsomething that I see.
But I don't want to invalidatewhat you're feeling, because it
is real.
I think we're so quick to judgeimmediately where, if someone,
especially our spouse, comes tous and says something that they
(12:25):
are feeling this way, they'reangry about something, and just
because you don't see it, weimmediately dismiss it.
We immediately think, well,that's stupid, you shouldn't
feel that way Get over it.
That's dumb.
Don't feel that way Now.
Move on and get over it.
Instead, they really reallyfeel that way.
Don't feel that way Now move onand get over it.
Instead, they really reallyfeel that way and we're just
dismissing them and theirconcern whatsoever, like it does
(12:48):
not matter, and we try to arguewith them on why they're
feeling that way, when the truthis they just feel that way.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
Just let me feel that way.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
And sometimes that's just the case.
We need to be there and I'llsay it again Be considerate to
how they feel.
Now, feelings they're realDoesn't always mean they're true
, but they're real and we feel acertain way and it could be
hard, it could be painful, butfeelings are horrible leaders
when it comes to makingdecisions.
(13:16):
And we've said that plenty oftimes Not lead with your
emotions.
You can't lead with youremotions.
You can't make decisions basedoff of your feelings.
But we can't just dismisssomeone's feelings now.
A good spouse will not allowtheir other, will allow their
spouse to make a decision basedoff of how they feel.
And that's where you come in tobe able to try and see where
(13:37):
they're coming from, see what itis that's going on, see why
they feel that way,understanding the why behind the
what, instead of just saying,well, that's really stupid.
You shouldn't feel like that atall.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
I've learned that is not also just the case in a
marriage.
You have to take that intoevery relationship.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Totally agree.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
I learned about the Enneagramagram we've talked
about this before the enneagram.
I never understood why I didnot have that many female
friends, because I always I'm aneight.
If anybody knows the enneagram,I'm an eight you're the
challenger I don't necessarilyhave feelings, in a sense, and
if I do, I don't want anybody toknow about it.
But it wasn't until a coupleyears ago, when I started
(14:31):
coaching, where I realized Ineed to know who I'm dealing
with.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
Because every person is different.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Everybody is different.
I can't coach a four the way Iwould coach an eight or a one or
a three.
You have to know who they areand how they react to certain
things so you can.
It helps you see why they'recoming from, where they're
(15:02):
coming from.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Which is so incredibly important.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
But me.
Until I figured all of that outabout the Enneagram as my
determined personality, where weare, just go, go, go, go, go.
See a problem, fix a problem,move on, I learned that not many
people can just suck it up andgo.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Most people, I would say, can't just suck it up and
go.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
It hits hard because our daughter is the feeling, the
empathy person Today in herbasketball game.
I tried to get the referee'sattention.
They're 10 years old.
They will stop the game andteach them and coach them.
It's great that they do that.
But this little girl, the ballwas out of bounds.
(15:49):
She was throwing it in.
It was for the other team.
Both of her shoes werecurrently untied.
Our daughter is right in herface trying to block her from
throwing the ball.
Here's mom, I'm not paying anyattention to the game.
I am strictly to the referee.
I don't want this baby to fall.
I don't want her to get hurt,because it can happen.
(16:11):
Somebody step on thoseshoestrings and she keeps going
and that shoestring stops herand bam.
I don't want a busted nose.
I don't want to have to.
I don't want that.
So our daughter, I don't wantto have to, I don't want that.
So our daughter hearseverything that I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
Because it's happening right in front of us,
five feet away from us.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
She tries to stop the game too.
The girl throws the ball.
She didn't know her shoes wereuntied.
This girl throws the ball in.
And my daughter?
She is more worried abouttrying to get the referee's
attention to help this littlegirl tie her shoes.
She turns around to the girlwho she gets the ball in.
They give the ball back to herand she shoots and then she
(16:50):
realizes that her shoes areuntied.
Our daughter stays with thisgirl to help get her shoes tied.
I know and the game is stillgoing they're not stopping the
game.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
Not the referee's job , to stop the game.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
No, she's like help, look, stop.
And the girl, both of the girls.
She just went down and tied hershoes.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
That was that.
Our little Elkie just stayedwith her, didn't want.
And you're like, I'm like whocares?
Speaker 2 (17:19):
The game's going on, go, but that's our sweet little
girl it is.
Now I will say she is adifferent person on the court.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
Oh, she is.
I mean, she scored 18 pointstoday.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
Of the 22 that were.
She's a baller and she'saggressive, and she's out there
to play, but she also will helpup anybody.
Speaker 1 (17:40):
Oh, she is.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
She's the kid that you want on the team for morale.
I did a little video becauseduring halftime she was trying
to be funny and make her teamlaugh because they were all
spent.
It was like 16 minutes.
They had two 16-minute quartersor two eight-minute quarters
the first half 16 minutes.
They had two 16-minute quartersor two eight-minute quarters
(18:03):
the first half of 16 minutes.
She was spent too she was tired.
But she gets up and she's doingall this kind of funny thing
with the coach and telling themthis and this and this.
She was just having a blast.
That's her sweet little heart.
But if you're going to go for ajump ball with her, you ain't
coming up with the ball.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
No, you're going to go for a jump ball with her.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
You ain't coming up with the ball.
No, you're not, but she's.
But that's the kind of thing.
You have to understand theperson.
You can't just brush it underthe rug.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
No, she, she gets this, she will.
She doesn't invalidate feelings.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
She, she is valid.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Everyone's feelings about some, and which is a bad
thing, sometimes too, uh, butyou're exactly right, like when
you got into coaching you can't.
You can't coach everyone thesame way.
No, and we can't treat everyperson the exact same way.
I love the old saying of yeahand in this case, and what we
should do is we don't treateveryone the same, but we treat
(18:56):
everyone fairly.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
You can't treat everyone, because we're not all
the same no, because someone mayfeel a certain way about this.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
Where someone else feels some way about this, it's
like the example they gave here.
Where can someone be cold andthen another person be warm in
the same room?
Absolutely, they can Us Exactsame thing.
Lately it's been the oppositeway around.
I'm cold all the time, you arefreezing and I'm pouring sweats
Like God the way around.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
I'm cold all the time you were freezing and I'm
pouring sweats like god bless.
I must be going throughmenopause and you're like I
guess I need some blood thicker.
I'm like what the heck is ablood thicker?
Speaker 1 (19:28):
it was a stupid joke.
Okay, I have blood thinners.
I was like I need some of thatblood thicker medicine that way,
even though they don't make it.
I understand that.
I know that it's not real.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
It was supposed to be a silly joke because we're
going to bed that was going togo completely against everything
that we're talking about rightnow and say that's dumb.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Honestly.
Okay, it is dumb, but I feel.
But listen, feelings are real.
They're not always truthful,but we feel a certain way
because we feel a certain wayand we can't always help that.
And we need to have people inour lives who can help us guide
through that and understand whywe feel that way.
And if the way we feel isstupid, we have people in our
(20:04):
lives who are not going to tellus just point blank hey, that's
stupid, that you feel that way.
Instead, they're going torealize okay, you feel this way,
let's find out why you feelthis way, and if you love
someone, you're going to steerthem towards what the truth may
actually be to make a factual,truthful, mindful decision
rather than a feelings-baseddecision.
(20:24):
So the two huge mistakes we makewe react without trying to
understand.
And mistake two we invalidateany feelings that we don't feel
ourselves.
And I think that is theabsolute biggest one.
So what are a couple thingsthat we can do to make sure we
are considerate and we areempathetic towards people?
First one listen.
First, men, this is the hardestthing for you to do.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
It's not just men.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
People, but men especially.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
I have a hard time with that too.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
We hear it and then our immediate thing is how do I
fix this?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Because I'm that mental thought Okay, there's a
problem, let's fix it.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Yes, what's a problem ?
Let's fix it.
Yes, what's the problem?
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Let's fix that problem Not everything is broken
, so it doesn't necessarily needto be fixed.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
Sometimes your spouse just needs to be heard.
Sometimes your spouse justneeds to know I hear you, I love
you and whatever it is you'refeeling, I'm here to walk
alongside you throughout it all.
Just to slow down and trulylisten to what is going on with
your spouse and try to find outwhy which is the second one.
(21:31):
Seek understanding Instead oftelling them they're stupid for
feeling a certain way, insteadof trying to fix the problem.
Which, man, mr Fix-It, that'swhat we're here to do.
I want to fix everything.
So-and-so, said so, saidsomething to you at work.
Well, I'll go show them.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
that's the feeling that we have all I think of is
Ross and Rachel, or no, yes,because she was saying he just
wanted to go and meet this guywho was saying these things, but
no, it was Joey.
When Joey was in love with herand she was Just trying to think
of something to talk about.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Wants to buy my baby yes, yes, that one.
Speaker 2 (22:08):
And she just saying something, Just to talk.
But that's his first reaction,I'm gonna take Care of this.
And he runs Straight to herwork and rips him a new one and
then she gets back to work andthey're like okay we have a
meeting with HR.
This message, this, thismeeting, is being recorded,
(22:30):
because by no means that I wantyou to think that I wanted to
buy your baby.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Yes, yes, and that's that's that's what we typically
do.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
We don't want to it's just an overreaction that
doesn't need to be Done, becauseif we would have, even in that
situation, if he would havereally understood why she said
that, because there's an awkward.
Speaker 1 (22:53):
Thing going on.
There's a tension there BecauseJoey was in love with her.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Uh huh, if you've gotten to the root, gotten to
the why, you would have knownthat.
Okay, I didn't need to rush tothe root.
Gotten to the why, you wouldhave known that, okay, I didn't
need to rush to the.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
Discovering the why behind the what.
So?
So we listen.
First, we slow down, we listento your spouse's heart, not
their words, but you listen totheir heart, you try to find out
why, and that's the biggestthing you have.
The second one seekunderstanding, ask questions.
Shocker, if your spouse comesto you with something and you're
trying to find out why.
Ask questions.
(23:28):
Thoughtful questions.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
Not questions that are well.
Why do you feel that way?
Speaker 1 (23:33):
More of a hey baby.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
That's very insensitive.
Speaker 1 (23:36):
Tell me what's going on.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
It's only going to make a fight.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Yeah, why would you think that?
A lot can be done with just thetone.
I mean you can say the exactsame thing, but it means two
completely different things,like why would you say that or
what would make you say that?
Two completely different things.
And you're going to take thattwo completely different
directions based off my tone andhow I say something and how I
ask something.
It's going to be two completelydifferent things.
(24:00):
So listen first, seekunderstanding and number three
offer empathy.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
That's something I struggle with.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
Offer empathy.
Why do you think you strugglewith that?
Speaker 2 (24:12):
Because I don't feel other people's feelings, but I
feel like God put our daughterin our life for me to have those
feelings because she feelseverybody's feelings.
Yes, she does Every little if I, if she comes home from school
and I'm here and she can justlook at my face, she will give
(24:35):
me a hug.
Mommy, is everything okay?
I just it's been.
It's been a day.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
She will just stand there and hold me like
uncomfortably long hugs, likeyou can't push her off, okay,
yeah get off of me that I wantto have my bad day.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
She won't let you have it no, she won't she wants
to be there, she wants to feelyour pain, she wants to help you
through.
It's like she wants to take itfrom you.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
She wants to and she is, she will take.
She would gladly take the painso someone else would feel
better and she would deal withthat.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
And that's I mean, that's essentially.
I mean that is offering empathy, it's letting that person know
that, hey, I see you, I hear you.
I don't understand it yet Idon't feel the same way you do,
but hey, I'm here with you, youdon't have to do this all by
yourself.
And I think that's the darkpath that a lot of people go
down is because we aren'toffering empathy, we're not
(25:37):
seeking understanding, we're notlistening, we are invalidating
their feelings.
People are left to feel likethey are all by themselves and
all alone in the way that theyfeel.
It's one of the biggest problemswe see in this world is we feel
like we are the only one who'sdealing with the stuff that
we're dealing with.
If we took these steps, if welistened, if we seek
(25:57):
understanding, if we offerempathy, we will quickly realize
that you are not going throughthis all alone.
The chances are there are somany people in your lives who
are dealing with or have dealtwith the same stuff you may be
dealing with right now.
So those little me too, momentsof just opening up and talking
(26:18):
about it, and that's whereyou're like oh my gosh, you're,
you're, you're all.
You are almost divorced.
We're almost there now you're,you're, you're all.
You were almost divorced.
We're almost there now.
You know you've you fought withthis.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
I did the exact same thing and to be able to to walk
with each other through that.
It isolates us more thananything and that's why I feel
like small groups are soimportant, and I know people say
that all the time, getting yourcity group or your small group
or this or that, it doesn't evenhave to be with a church.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
No, just being able to be.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
Be with people who you can talk to and be
vulnerable with in moments whereyou can go.
God, this sucks so bad.
I don't know what to do.
My husband is saying this and Idon't understand where he's
coming from.
I don't know what I'm doingwrong.
Just those little me toomoments to get you in those
positions with friends that cankeep you accountable or actually
(27:12):
tell you hey, yeah, I see it,he's not wrong.
Right, or have you tried totalk to him about it?
Speaker 1 (27:19):
yeah, and you, you have to be able to.
You have to be self-awareenough to give people that
authority in your life to beable to say that, like what you
just said, like, hey, I see, Isee that too.
You absolutely do that, becausemost people are going to be
willing to take that type ofcriticism.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
You're either the husband's friends or you're the
wife's friends.
Speaker 1 (27:39):
But you badly need people in your lives who will
quickly call you out and say, no, your husband's right here.
You do do this and it comesfrom a place of love, and we
have to have those people who dothat.
That's I agree.
Small groups are incrediblyimportant, uh, to be able to, to
experience that and have thatwith the, with those people or
you know, it doesn't necessarilyhave to be a small group no, it
(27:59):
doesn't just be your yourcircle, your circle of friends
that you trust and if they don'tgive you feedback or they don't
help you in those situations,they are not your friends.
I'd say you can quickly realizeif they're, those people are not
, because if they're just likeoh yeah, that stinks, I hate you
feel that way, I'm so sorry.
You need people who are goingto say oh man, I'm so sorry, but
(28:22):
you know, think of it this way,or look at it from this
standpoint, or, you know, thoseare the people who are there for
you and those are the peoplewho can help you, guide you
through whatever it is that youare struggling with.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
It's incredibly important Speaking of small
groups.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
We are doing our small group.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
We are bringing back the Married AF small group to
cultivate church.
It's starting here in probablya month or so After 21 days of
prayer and fasting.
I think they usually kick up.
So yes, we are bringing it back.
Maybe we should do somethingfor all of our listeners that
can't be here.
Maybe a little teaser, a littlecliffhanger are you throwing
out there?
I don't know, we haven't talkedabout it.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
It just came to to me .
I guess we need to talk aboutit, don't we stay tuned?
Speaker 1 (29:15):
stay tuned, listen to the next episode.
Maybe we'll have a littlesomething special for all you
people who can't be there mostof our listeners are not
necessarily from here no, infact, like 99 of them are not
from here.
Nobody.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
Nobody that likes us around here listens to us, so
we'll listen.
So thank you for everybody elsewho's watching.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
Listen, we'll see.
But yeah, the small group'scoming back.
We feel a deep need that.
This is Like you said you needa small group of people to be
able to do that.
I was reading it was adevotional the other day and it
small group of people to be ableto do that.
I was reading it was adevotional the other day and it
was.
They were talking about theverse where two or three are
gathered, god's presence isthere, and he was specifically
(30:01):
talking about that being in agroup of small people.
He said getting with two orthree people or four or five
people, but a small group ofpeople, he said.
And when you are able to get inthat group and be honest and
open up, he said, and open God'sword, he said God is there in
more ways than you could everthink that you need.
He said we have our one-on-onetime with God.
It's great, we need it.
We have corporate worship thatwe do once a week or twice a
(30:24):
week, and it's great and it'sneeded.
He said but, man, there issomething about being in a small
group of people, he said thatis where your real depth of
relationships come into play.
Dead on, absolutely dead on,which is the reason.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
We've learned that in the past 12 years.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
Yes, I think so.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
That's how long we've been at Colton.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
Yeah, the Married AF small group will be back in.
I guess that'll be the springsemester of 2025.
We're looking forward to it,definitely praying over it, and
just hope that God opens thedoors for people who need it and
that we can be here for themand help with those
relationships.
But for today, listen, seekempathy, seek understanding.
(31:06):
Don't invalidate feelings justbecause you don't feel it,
because the feelings are realand you're there to try and help
, steer someone in the rightdirection and try and get them
back where they need to go andit happens with your spouse, so
don't make these mistakes a gamechanger it is if you can figure
this out.
So any final thoughts before wego.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
I love you.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
I love you, let's get out of here.
God, we love you.
I love you.
Let's get out of here, god.
We love you.
God, we're so thankful for whatyou're doing.
We're thankful for your word.
We're thankful forrelationships.
We're thankful for therelationships that you brought
into our lives.
We're thankful for therelationships with listeners and
viewers who we don't even knowyet, but you have them in this
community and it's beautiful tosee.
And our prayer is always God,that you'll just take this to
(31:48):
the people who need to hear it,the ears that need to hear it.
And God, that the guards willbe broken down so people just
receive what it is that you need, because we all need you.
We look to you.
We love you in Jesus name, amenamen play ball.
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