Accidental Proposals, Therapist Flashing, and Mike's Fight Chronicles | MADHD Ep16 | Reading Reddit TIFU - Mike and Dylan HATE! Drama

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Bare nimble bow down Mike and Dylan hate drama, but the Bow
Wow Hello guys welcome back to another episode of Mike and
Dylan hate drama hate The whole intro to this got cut out by the
way because Michael doesn't knowhow to lead in to a podcast but.
We just started talking about things we can't talk about.
And so then it turns into we can't use that part.

(00:21):
So. But on this one, we're going to.
There's words Michael says. That is not a good, I guess even
though I have never called. No, we're good.
I've never called people of that.
Let's just keep going. That word, that's all I'm
saying. That's all they look, people
are. They're like, there's like the
only two instances where that works.
This is the word was not the N word there.

(00:42):
There you go. So people are like, OK, because
there was a couple people like wait, wait, wait, what word and
what? Was it racism?
So today on this episode, we aretaking a different tact.
Instead of going with am I the assholes we're going with today.
I fucked up. Because y'all mother fuckers
won't send in stories. I'll be like hey guys you know,
do you want some advice? I'll give you advice.
I will read user submitted stuff.

(01:04):
Maybe they're scared after we gave.
Send one ghost story. Yeah, we did roll that kid and
like told him to. I thought it was good advice.
Toughen up buttercup. And then people are like fuck
that. I'm not sending any stories.
My just going to be mean to me. Yeah, that's why.
Damn it. Foiled by my own.
People know though. But I think this is a good thing
to to move into though, because I, I think the am I the assholes

(01:26):
are great, but I think there's alot.
Of they're just too long and we get into too many rambling
instances. This one's Today I fucked up.
Which Mike today he fucked up. He thought it was what is it
time I fucked up? Yeah, I thought it was time I
fucked up, but it's today I fucked up TIFEU, which I think
kids will be like. They'll use it, but they won't
use that as in today, they'll use it as in time, and I think

(01:48):
that's where I got fucked up. We're already going to get into
one before we get into more rambling.
Give people a little bit of morsel before we do another one
in 40 to 55 minutes. All right?
Today I fucked up by calling in sick to work, then bumping into
my boss at the movies. Happens, happens.
I literally did that and then fucking bumped into the plant
manager at Walmart. I had a rough week and really

(02:09):
needed a mental break so I caught in sick on a Friday to
get a long weekend. I didn't plan anything wild,
just wanted to relax, clear my head and catch a manatee movie.
Matinee. Oh, if you like me, Mike's
retarded man. Look, he's stupid.
Like Mike's pretty fucking dumb it.
Took me a second. I was like, was there a recent
Manatee movie that came out? Part of the dark episode is one

(02:33):
time I had called myself retarded or something and
someone was like, how can you use that word when you have an
autistic child? I'm like, bitch, did you just
call my kid all over retarded? Like did you like the audacity?
Right. Yeah.
If he wasn't over there fucking playing with some rocks right

(02:54):
now, he'd be offended, fucker. So I threw on a hoodie and
sunglasses, feeling like a low key celebrity trying to avoid
recognition, grab some popcorn, and settled into the theater for
a 2:00 PM show. As the trailers ended and the
lights dimmed, I noticed someonesitting two seats over.
It was my boss with his wife, also apparently sick.
You can't do nothing. We exchanged one awkward glance,

(03:15):
didn't say a word, and sat through the whole movie in
silence. Monday at work, super awkward.
We just pretended nothing happened the too long, didn't
read, was called in sick, went to a movie, ran into my boss
doing the exact same thing. Now Mondays are weird.
Look, that's cool. Yeah, You guys got like an
inside joke. That's exactly when I said I ran
to the plant manager at Walmart.He also was not at work for some
reason. I was just like, oh hey, bud,

(03:37):
He's like, why don't you work? I was like I called in.
Why don't you at work? Yeah, that's why I said why?
Why is she at work? He was like, I just didn't feel
like coming in today. So we just kind of left it at
that. Bro, I want to say his name so
bad. His name's Jeff.
But Jeff was a dope motherfucker.
Like the coolest plant manager you could possibly have.
Yeah, if you were shit at your job though, the worst because
they I mean he would be on your ass.

(03:57):
Well, he expected. You He's the only plant manager
during a company meeting has used the term swinging Dick.
I don't know. It's a solid, yeah, solid term
to use in a medium. I forgot what it was for.
I know I wasn't there. And I know the phrase where the
fuck is Michael Wright at? So I know that that was a

(04:19):
meeting where I was pretty heavily criticized.
I fucked up a lot of shit because that that was when I was
first moving from a die cutter to a flexible holder gluer.
And instead of like putting in the work, I just kind of bounce
as soon as I was, I wouldn't talk to like the first shift guy
or nothing like that. I got way better, way better at

(04:42):
the the flex of holder gluers. But then I was just like,
fucking time's up, I'm out. And then I forgot we had a
meeting. And that came back to bite me in
the Dick because he was not happy about that, particularly
because he wanted to talk shit about me during that meeting
because I, I told you guys I wasa shit talking individual.
Oh, we ain't got to get through these, man.
This ain't this ain't two daddies judging baddies.

(05:03):
No, but you're talking about like box folding, like everybody
else knows about box folding. It's like, it's like when you
meet up with like one of your Coworkers at one of your old jobs
and you sit there and have a actually at my buddy's concert
that I went to the other day, that's what we did.
Me and him we're talking about because we work together.
And so we were sitting there talking through all this stuff,

(05:23):
and then the third guy that didn't work in the industry is
just like sitting over there like.
Well, fuck that. Third guy done talking about
the. Everybody's handled a box
before. Yeah, but nobody's worked on a
flex folder for 5000 supercharged gluer.
Supercharged mega swinging deck.Yeah, that's what they're
called. Yeah.
All right, Dylan's going to reada story.
I'm. Going to read 1 today.

(05:46):
I fucked up by flashing my therapist.
I mean, that's one way to, you know, get favorable treatment
there. Hopefully it's a girl or wait,
nothing. Hopefully it would be better if
it wasn't a girl. You.
Impressed. I guess it all depends on how
and how good the guy looks. So my therapist and I have been
working together for two years. I think this is one of those

(06:07):
times where they say I'm a 32. Yeah, I, 32, male.
There's no no sex on this one. So my therapist and I have been
working together for two years. She's amazing, super chill. 0
judgement which makes this 10 times worse.
I really feel like the author isa girl just based upon the way
the story goes. But I started doing virtual

(06:30):
sessions from home, and last week I was running late.
I threw on a hoodie, logged on to Zoom, and figured I'd stay
off camera until I had pants on.Definitely a girl.
Well, I forgot Zoom defaults to video on.
I stood up halfway through the session to grab my notebook.
Full Winnie the Pooh in it. No pants, just bare thighs and
regret. She went silent.

(06:50):
I realized a few a full 2 seconds late, shrieked and body
slammed my laptop shut. She texted later.
We all have vulnerable moments. Would you like to continue next
week? I now overthink every outfit,
every movement, and every session.
Too long. Didn't read, Forgot I wasn't
wearing pants during a virtual therapy session.
Stood up on camera, flashed my therapist.

(07:13):
I don't really think that's thatbig of a deal.
I revealed the clam to her. You are both girls.
Yeah, from what it sounds like. My assumption is both girls
right, but like you don't get tosee much like most of that
stuff's like. Because if a guy did that, it
feels like he purposely it doesn't matter if you did it by
100% accident. Guys are just they were viewed
as weird. We are not allotted those
mistakes. So that is you.

(07:34):
Definitely did it on purpose. Yeah, you.
Definitely. Even if you didn't do it on
purpose, you definitely did it on purpose.
Yeah. You were trying to flash
sexually. No, I, I think honestly the
therapist is probably yeah. Right.
If I did it, the therapist wouldtext back be like hey, are you
you OK? Cuz I saw you stand up and then
it was just like really scared turtle and it just looked like
he was running away from me. God, don't flash your therapist.

(07:59):
Yeah, no, I I think the whole zooming is weird where people
don't get dressed. I mean technically she's got a
any though. It's like a censorship for
itself though. Yeah, cuz then it's just a
crack. Honestly, in a quick movement to
like get up and right. Like a Dick is a Dick, a Dick
just going to like drag in the wind with it?

(08:20):
Like you're going to get all of the Dick.
Even the little turtle version. Yeah, but especially like a
vagina with hair. It's like looking at armpit
here. And those are coming back and I
hear there's a whole movement for.
I love, I like here, see. I like landscaping.
I like it when it's. I mean, I don't.
Want there's decorations or designs and like I'm fine.
One of the designs is just full but like, then there's like, you

(08:43):
know? I'm not trying to machete my way
through a rainforest, but I mean, still, I'll explore.
I think I'll fucking. I've never.
Stopped because of it. Right, I'll pull out an
expedition map and we will fucking locate the treasure.
But. We'll see.
I think once you've found treasure once it's pretty easy.
I don't know. I don't.
I don't trust guys who like thembald though.
When I was younger, I thought. You know what?
Make it look like a child. Yeah, but that was the rage when

(09:05):
we were young. Well, I think it was like the
new the new thing. And so pretty much I, the way
that I look at most of those fads and everything is it's what
isn't norm the norm I. Don't like landing strips?
I don't like when you decorate it.
See, I do. I just like the variation,

(09:26):
especially being married like just like.
You know the saying, You know the saying like when they're
like, wow, guys shave their buttholes and it's like he who
cleans his house expects visitors.
That's what is it an old Chinese.
Bro, nothing, nothing though is more of a badge of honor than
landing a girl. And right before you fuck, she's

(09:48):
like, hey, I would have shaved it because then you're like, oh,
man, I begged a bitch. I didn't know she was getting
bagged today. Yeah, So that was, that's like
a, that's a Medal of Honor rightthere.
Yeah. Not like a girl.
If anything, that's fucking pride for me.
Yeah, I wasn't going to, but nowI'm going to.
Right. I had one girl she like tried to
cover up her. What do you call him?
Stretch marks? Having a baby like bitch, booby

(10:09):
hands out the way. That's sexiest shit the fuck out
of here. Tiger stripes.
Yeah, fucking, I don't know, some guys out there just, I
swear they're just gay. Like just go be gay.
I think there's that, but I think that a lot of it, like, I
mean, honestly, I've had this discussion with my wife when we
first met, she used to full facemakeup all the time.

(10:29):
And I was like, if you like doing that, like if you like
taking the time and doing that for yourself, go for it.
But you're not doing it for me cuz I am happy, right?
Makeup without makeup, like you're beautiful whichever way
you choose to do it, whatever you want to do.
I'm just saying, like you taking30 minutes to do your makeup
every day, you ain't got to do it for me.
Right. Yeah, I'm leaving the house at
fucking 5:00 in the morning and there's just this lady here with

(10:50):
crazy ass hair sweating from a, a, a night full of sleeping in a
hot bed with one titty out. And I'm just like sitting there.
Just I don't want to go to work right now.
Just like, yeah, you ain't got to try to impress me.
I am impressed. And I think that that's the
majority of guys, but then you have the ones that think that
they need to have a supermodel all the time.
I think they were just young kids too.

(11:10):
I guess you know when you're younger that's what you like and
then I guess as you grow, you grow to like.
But I've always liked older women too.
So like even when me and Amy is 4 years older than I am, I'm
just always liked older when I think it was from technically.
Like if if a lady did it to my kid I would call her rape but.

(11:32):
I mean, I when I was 23 I was out hunting like 40s and.
There was an incident I want to talk about because once again,
that person still alive. And some people, they do view it
as that. And like I said, if it happened
to my kid, I would have viewed it like that.
And I don't view it in the best light.
But it wasn't like I look back on it and I'm just like, no, I

(11:52):
definitely bragged about it afterwards.
So to her son. To her son.
And he was, he was a weird guy. Because we were making a joke
about it one time and Amy was there.
He was like, yeah. And I watched.
Oh, jeez. Yeah, he was a he's a, he was a
different beast. He's like, he was, he's like an
Internet troll. In real life, though, he was

(12:14):
like, he was like, you feel honor, Mike, but my mom is a
slut. That's how you would say it too.
So he was a little off in real life.
Yeah, he was a, he's a goofy goober.
Like he, he, he feels like the personification of just like a
Reddit just any just just him asa person.
Like look at a he's like a social media comment section on

(12:36):
legs. But he was like always, he, he
was the kid that had like a computer when he was young, so
he was exposed to the real heavyInternet.
Yeah, when you can go to some real dark corners of the
interwebs when you're. When you're a kid and you're
just exploring, yeah. Because you can find all the
stuff that people don't typically talk about or find.
Like you guys remember rotten.com, you can just go in

(12:57):
there and just watch people killthemselves.
And just like you as a kid wouldjust be like, this is normal.
And then you'd be in the shower just rocking back and forth.
Yes. What's going on right now?
Is this? Is this normal?
Processing. There were so many of them that
were going around and like everytime you'd go over to a friend's
house. Or talk about popular ones, man,
do you remember the one where it's the two cartel guys and

(13:18):
then the guy just comes in with a chainsaw and he cuts off one
guy's head? And man, there are ways I
thought it was going to look. And there's the one where the
guy has his hands behind his back and the other guy comes up
behind him with a shotgun and just blows the front of his face
off. There was that one.
So you're talking about all the death ones there was plenty of.

(13:39):
Well I mean there was like 2 girls, 1 cup goats, see all that
shit too but. The light bulb one fucked me up.
The jar, all the jar, yeah, where he squats on the jar and.
Those those types of ones were the ones that were big going
around. The one that I saw that really
messed me up. And I think like, I mean, it had
to have been fake, but it was a guy committing suicide like 11

(14:04):
different ways or something. Like took a bunch of pills,
drank a bunch of liquor, then like put a noose around his
neck, got a gun, like all those things and like did them in a
sequential order so that like nomatter what he was going to die.
But like imagine surviving that.There's no way that like that
video because there was like multiple angles too.
So like there's no way that somebody like got that video

(14:26):
from somebody actually doing that and then put it together
and made it and then put it on the Internet all.
Right. I imagine like he jumps off the
Cliff and all this stuff, he survives all of it and he lands
at the bottom. He's like what the fuck, maybe I
am supposed to live? And he like looks over and
there's a rattlesnake and it just bites him on the throat.
Fuck. Yeah, the ending part was he'd
fall into like hypothermic water, like water that would

(14:49):
make him go into hypothermia. So like after all the stuff he
would at least drown and. What?
OK, if you had your choice, whatanimal?
See I had a dream like 2 nights ago that there was an airplane
crash in the middle of the ocean.
All right. And for some reason I could just

(15:09):
like walk on water and I had like super speed too.
So I was like fucking run up andI'm like trying to help these
people out. Well, The Walking on water part
would cut out sometimes so I'd go underneath the water.
Now the water wasn't like reallydeep, it was maybe 15 feet deep.
OK, but that was this humongous great white.
And I keep seeing him like breach up and like snatch
somebody from underneath the water.

(15:30):
That's the only time I go under is when he was like snatching
somebody. So you saw like his muscles and
shit from the bottom because I think that's the scariest part
of a great white shark. And I was like, man, like I'm
going to fuck the shark up, but I don't want to like go
underwater and then like him breach up and get me.
So I just like, went over to like, the edge of the plane and
he breached up to get somebody else.

(15:50):
And I literally just grabbed theshark.
And I just, like, pulled him onto the wing and he just, like,
sitting there. And then he turned into like a
baby seal. And I was being real bad.
And there was a bunch of people taking pictures of me.
And I was in the middle of New York.
And dreams are fucking weird bro.
You were you were you were worried about your getting
cancelled because your your great white turned into a
little. Baby Seal, Yeah.

(16:11):
And I'm just like fucking. But it wasn't like a seal, like
a real life seal. It was like Seal the fucking
Pokémon. Oh, I thought you were going to
say Seal like the singer. No, I don't even know who that
is. I mean, I've heard about them
before. I don't know what they look
like, but I'm talking about likethe little is like a real brown
ball Pokémon. They were on the Super Bowl
commercials this year. Which you didn't watch the Super

(16:31):
Bowl? Did the only the yeah I watched
Super Bowl? The only nightmares I really
have now are about animal attacks.
I never get attacked in the whole fucking thing, but it's
like almost attacks like I'll belike right there while there's
like a fucking tiger or grizzly bear or something right there

(16:52):
and it'll always be close enoughto me to attack, but I never get
attacked. Like I'll just be chilling in
the house and a guy will be like, Hey, I'm a bring out my
pet lions and I'm like what? And then he just opens the door
and two lions walk in and I was like, how the fuck am I supposed
to act right now? Like I want to run away.
He just like lets them in. They start like fucking eating
out of a dog bowl and shit. Just too human as lions,
they're. Pet Lions Sigmund or what was

(17:13):
what was those guys names? The guys that used to keep all
the tigers and lions and stuff. One of them got attacked by it.
It's not Sigmund Freud, it's Sigmund.
They're like two brothers that are like lion tamers I.
Don't know. I don't know.
Barnum Bailey. No, but let's move on to.

(17:34):
What the fuck? Like I was like I don't fucking
know today I fucked up but not realizing I messages were being
delivered to my iPad and my kidswere reading my texts.
Oh he's telling mommy what he was he's going to do to her too.
So I bet you. First off Apple, what the fuck?
Why the why the hell does an iPad get text messages on it?
Apparently I'm a 40 year old dumbass who didn't know that was

(17:54):
a thing. I'm new to Apple's ecosystem.
I got a new iPad a few weeks agoand I signed in with my Apple
account. I rarely use it.
I learned shortly after getting it that I hate tablets and
prefer a laptop so my kids watchNetflix on it and stuff.
My wife and I are in our early 40s and have been married 20
years this July. We have 3 kids, 12:10 and 8:00.
Oldest is a girl and the others are two boys.

(18:15):
They're out of school for summerand we're apparently watching my
iPad this morning. My wife works from home.
This is rough because she has a 12 year old and a 10 year old.
They can read. Right.
Good chance the 8 year old doesn't know what the fuck he's
talking about. What's really cool about my
kids? Because I told you I have the
perfect daughter who's like. So yesterday we went to the lake
and she's just like playing withthis like 8 year old kid.
She's like just this real sweet girl and doesn't talk to boys at

(18:38):
all despite being like 11. And I'm just like stay like this
forever just forever. Not going to happen just just be
my buddy forever. Today I'm at work thinking about
her so I sent a message jokinglybut also not jokingly.
Hey, let's do some fucking tonight.
That's OK, all right, Start the conversation off strong.

(19:00):
She responded with a laughing face and said OK but that was
it. I wasn't finished with the
conversation. Me, I'm going to wreck that
pussy. This has been a long day so get
ready. Her sure big talker, you'll
probably fall asleep early again.
Oh hold out me, not tonight. Tonight is a good night for
fucking and sucking. Norm MacDonald reference, That

(19:22):
was pretty much it. Now I don't normally talk like
this. I was just trying to be funny
and risque. My kids have certainly never
heard me say any of those words.But a few minutes later her.
Did you know the kids are on your iPad?
And do you know your texts are going to the iPad?
Cuz they just read those messages.
I have no idea how to look them in the eye when I get home.
My precious 12 year old daughterthinks I'm a degenerate.
All three of them will be telling their spouses about this
someday. It's like I just created a

(19:44):
lifelong memory and we all just have certain memories about our
childhood we don't want to have.I'm not going to read the too
long. Didn't read because I fucking
read it because it wasn't too long.
One time I was I had a doctor's appointment.
This was a terrible day for me. OK, so I'm getting ready for my
doctor's appointment and I'll walk in to my mom's room because

(20:06):
you got to walk through their room to get to the living room
because this house trap houses are just weirdly fucking made.
So I'm going to the living room.I didn't even know my mom was
still in the living room and I walk in and my mom's boobs are
out. And this is boobs after four
kids and then you're 40. So they were just like all the
way to the bed. Veiny scarred me.

(20:27):
OK. I was in a car accident the same
day, like fried your. Yeah, I knew it was going to be.
It was like a Friday. It was like a Friday the 13th
type of day because I saw her boobs.
And then we were in a car accident.
I had to go to the hospital because I fucking broke my ribs.
So it. Was all caused by senior.
It was all caught. Yep, that was the.
To this day, I can still see them.
The first time I took Amy over to my grandma's house, she was

(20:49):
wearing a moo moo, but it had like, a hole right here, so her
nipple was sticking out of it. And I was like, my mom, you
fucking titty. We can see a titty right here.
And, you know, like, I'm pretty country too.
So Amy was like, yeah, I was like, she was like, what kind of
bumpkin party do I just, becauseyou're just like, grandma, put
your titty away? Grandma right there.
Titties out of grandma? Puts God damn titties away.
God damn, how many times I got to tell you put them God damn
titties away. Grandma always coming out with

(21:11):
her titties out. God damn, can't stop her.
I feel bad for this guy just because like there are those
moments and unfortunately probably that 12 year old girl
is like she will be talking about it.
And I think it's dumb that I getthe point behind it, but you
should set it up so that it doesthat, not that automatically all
texts go to every single device that you have going on.

(21:33):
Because like if you have a laptop, your text goes over
there. If you have a iPad, your text
goes over there. And it should be something you
turn on because you want that feature and then.
Not because you don't know aboutthat feature, yes.
Because like my wife has the store and her store like
Register is connected to her iCloud account and so on.

(21:56):
The register text messages and stuff come through.
And so like you're sitting therechecking somebody out and like
somebody texts her and then it comes up on the store thing.
It's like, no, it should just beautomatic that like it doesn't
automatically do that and you have to set it up for that.
Cause like there was another part where she had like do not
disturb turned on, but if she turned off do not disturb on her

(22:16):
phone, it would turn it off on her tablet too.
So like it would constantly be going instead of being in Do not
disturb. No text messages come through.
You have to physically go in andlike adjust these settings which
aren't obvious to make it so that that stuff doesn't pop up.
I had a friend send me a screenshot of him and his
girlfriend like sexually talkingtowards each other and it was

(22:39):
like some nasty shit that I and you know, I I get that sent to
me. I'm like, how the fuck am I
supposed to respond to this shit?
Like this is nasty. So I'm just like, hey, hell
yeah, bro, fucking get it, man. He, he sent me the screenshot
because she was cheating on him.That wasn't him and her texting
between each other. He sent that to me, but didn't
send the message. They yeah, they yes, I was just
like, fucking get it bro. That's some good dirty, good,

(23:01):
good dirty talking. I bet y'all were laying it down
and then he's like, oh, she's cheating on me.
I was like, you know, it wasn't that good.
You know, I've seen better nastytext messages.
My thing is, and this is always,I don't know, but people will be
like guys will talk about like having sex with their wives and
shit like that. And I was like, no guy I have

(23:21):
ever hung around ever talks about like them and their spouse
fucking or anything like that. Like I've heard old people be
like, well, I drink a gallon of her pista, but I've never heard
guys just like stand around and talk about like fucking their
wives and shit like that. Never heard that and I prefer it
like that. Well, I had because.
My wife was like, don't guys, you don't just like staying

(23:42):
around. Talk about like the sex you
have. I was like, no, never.
That's not. Maybe when you were a teenager
in bragging for the first coupletimes, but no right once you
have gone beyond, beyond. I never even did that either.
I think the worst thing I ever done in that regard, in that
regard of like talking about like sexual stuff.

(24:03):
And this girl got all mad at me because she was like, you were
fucking bragging or whatever about having said what a loser.
And I was like, no, I wasn't bragging.
So I used to date this girl. She was a she was very
promiscuous, very, very promiscuous girl.
So we had dated for and we were doing drugs too.
So we had dated for like a monthand then I was just like, you're

(24:26):
too much for me. Like you got to go on somewhere.
Also, the drugs have ran out. So Fast forward like six months
later and then we have this friend who was like one of those
for he's a great family. He is got a good head on the
shoulders, going to go to a goodcollege and everything.
Well, he starts dating that girlbecause he doesn't know who she
is. They're from different schools.

(24:47):
It's kind of like the IT should be the same school, but that
school split into two different schools.
So he doesn't know who she is. So he's like, yeah, I'm talking
to this one girl and I just, I feel like I was in the right.
I gave him fair warning. All right, because she is known
to bitchley cheat on anybody she's with.
Once again, she did not have a script of drugs.
I would not have given her the time of day.

(25:08):
But I was like, oh, fuck, you can call me boyfriend for a
couple weeks. I don't give a fuck.
But I I gave him a warning. I didn't even go in and like
anything we did or nothing like that.
And she was like, ah, you were browsing.
I wasn't bragging, bitch. What the fuck is there about
bragging, right? Yeah, there's no like you can't
brag about something that someone would then could follow

(25:28):
up with what you should probablylike get tested.
You know what I'm saying? Like you should probably like go
get checked out, but I just gaveI gave him fair warning.
I was like, you know, she's going to fucking hurt him
because she it was like any whatever guy she just broke up
with the next guy she's going tocheat on that guy with the guy
she broke up with. And it's kind of like a oh.
Yeah, just a Daisy chain of likegoing back to the guy

(25:50):
beforehand. Right and then people were like,
don't you don't you care about any of that, Mike?
And I'm like, shut up, bro. I got a girlfriend I got to care
about. Like, I can't worry about this
bitch because that was the pointwhere I was dating my
ex-girlfriend. The one I told you about that
I've been with the longest before Amy was was like eight
months. So poor girl.

(26:11):
That was Mike B and Mike, I was like, Love's not real and all
that shit. So I'm just a breeze in the
wind, baby breeze in the wind. So corny, so corny.
I tell bitches that. But I was actually looking at
some photos yesterday or the daybefore about me at a party and I
was like, man, that's crazy. I've never like.

(26:33):
I fucking don't even remember those photos.
I look like a gay Justin Bieber out there.
I want to pull. I'm gonna show you one of them.
Wait a second. I'm gonna grab my phone.
Yeah. Fuck.
Keep the people entertained, Dylan.
I just cut it out. No, don't cut it out.
This is real. You don't think?
Oh wait, my phone's in my pocket.
Yeah, see. See, you didn't even have to get
up and go anywhere or do anything.

(26:54):
Oh. Phone's in my pocket.
I wonder if I can show the people Nah, because I'm like,
really? And what's that funny to you?
Send. It to me, I can put it in the.
The podcast, yeah, I'll put it, I'll have it pop up for people,
but I even commented on it. I was like, bro, why do I look
so gay in this picture? Because there's when you go to
photos, you can go like tagged photos.

(27:20):
That's where it's at. Yeah, I never look at tagged
photos because that's where you just get the, you get the photos
where you're not trying to take a photo, but.
Yep, you look like the Brisk. Yeah, there's some more where?
The fuck are? They Oh yeah, they're like in a

(27:41):
row. Look at that little, little
Michael right there. He was a handsome guy.
That girl was my friend. Me and her had no relations.
And if I send you these pictures, can't put her in
there. But we did not, I would not
being mean or anything like that.
She was just like my she had a car.
So that was pretty nice. But yeah, that was young Mike.

(28:02):
Oh, what the fuck am I doing? Oh, my God.
Wait a second. There's a video.
I'm gonna play it. I don't know what's going on.
This video was taken in. Looks like 20-10.
How many inward passes do I get?None.
OK, I don't know what's going tohappen.

(28:23):
Are you in school? No, I'm at a Waffle House.
Oh, I'm saying, Oh my God, I am singing loudly.
I was seeing some journey. I guarantee you I am hammered in
that because, you know, your friends would be like, I don't
like to drink, but your friends would be like, oh, peer

(28:43):
pressure, Mike. You should drink with us, bud.
And then I would sing in a Waffle House.
See, I always tried to be the guy that got people smoking weed
instead of drinking We're. Going to have a Dylan pull up a
couple of those pictures just soyou could see how.
Yeah, I have. I have one of a video of me
singing to the Greensboro PoliceDepartment, a favorite song that
I like to sing back in the day called Fuck You.

(29:04):
I'm Drunk and. Were you getting arrested?
No, they were busting up a partynext door.
So basically I lived down by UNCG and so it's just a bunch of
college kids. We weren't college kids.
We just were looking for cheap rent.
And so we lived right down thereand our next door neighbors were
throwing this big keg party. I don't know how they got the

(29:25):
like inside scoop, but they're like, the cops are coming.
They're they've been called, we're shutting down the party.
So they shut down the party. Because their shit was getting
fucked up and there was like, wecalled the cops because we had
to fucking shut this damn. Yeah, I don't know.
But like, basically everybody cleared out from there, and then
me and the 20 people that partied every single weekend at
my house just went back over to my house like it was a normal

(29:45):
Friday or Saturday. And so we're hanging out there
and then when the police show up, the neighbor's house is
quiet. And now we're the loud ones.
We never had the cops called on us for being loud.
But so they show up and they're like, you need to quiet down,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, all right, we're
we're all good. Like we do this every weekend.

(30:05):
They had a party, they got the cops called on them.
We're good. He's like, all right, just keep
it down. I was like, OK.
And so he's in his car doing hispaperwork and all that stuff.
And one of my friends is like, you should go sing fuck you.
I'm drunk out in the out in the yard.
So me being me, I took the good advice and went out there and I
was singing it real quietly at 1st.

(30:26):
And I was like, man, and then, you know, I'm your friends are
like pussy. No, I'm drinking and I'm drunk
and I don't play quietly. Like, I just end up getting up
to full volume and then in the middle of probably like the
second verse, the cop comes backout and he's like, if you don't
stop playing that, I'm going to arrest you for disturbing the
peace or something like that. And I was like, OK.

(30:47):
Yeah, don't back this up and. Went back on the porch but I've
got photo and video of me in front of the Greensboro police
car saying fuck you I'm drunk. We were at a party one time and
this girl got fucking like shit faced and like I said, I was
into extracurricular things thatwas not into like weed and

(31:07):
alcohol and shit. So the stuff I'm on, I'm a
pretty normal guy. Like I can rationalize with
people. Like if someone gets too drunk
and too like out of their mind, I can like rationalize with them
and be like, hey, this did not happen because you're fucking
moron because you're wasted on alcohol.
But she's like going the fuck off saying somebody stole her
makeup and she swears to God, myfriend Anthony did it.

(31:29):
And I'm like, Anthony, why wouldhe steal your makeup?
What do you what makes you think?
And she's like, cuz he's he's, he's just a bad person And he's,
he wants, he wants the girls andmakeup so they can't have them.
And I was like, do you not hear how fucking stupid you sound?
No, it makes. Complete sense.
Like nobody, fucking nobody likethis girl, her name's Gabby,
nobody fucking likes her. Like nobody why she gets invited

(31:51):
to things. Girls will have friends around
that they don't like that they actively talk shit about and
then still bring him over and nobody likes her.
So I'm like trying to like qualmeverything that's going on.
It's at this girl Amanda's houseand then her like Anthony just
like walked out. He's like, I'm not he's also
drunk too. And I'm like, don't take it,

(32:12):
don't take it personally, bro. Like shit, this is a stupid.
He's like, he's like, no, I don't want people to.
I don't like get accused of nothing.
And I was like, I fucking I can't stand drunk people.
So he starts like walking down the road.
So Amanda's boyfriend comes out there and he comes to the car
and bleep out the names that I'msaying, by the way, because I'm
fucking up. Don't say the fucking names.
Though I'm not going to keep thenames.

(32:33):
Fuck it, fuck it, all right? But he comes out to the car and
he's like, what's that jackass'sproblem?
That's my friend. I don't know who the fuck I was
like, who the fuck are you? And he was like, you want to?
He was like, what were you trying to do?
I was like, fucking what? You want to fight or no?
He said, because my friend Coreysitting next to me and Corey,
the people had talked a lot about me fighting with Corey had

(32:55):
never seen me fight because likeI said, I didn't want to fight
people. But this guy was like, you want
to get out of the car? And I was like, I thought you'd
never ask. I'm witty as fuck.
Listen, so if you ever are goingto fight me in public, I'm going
to say some cool shit, which means if you then lose in a
fight to me, hey, I look extra badass and you look extra
stupid. But this guy, his name was, it's
like Justin or Jason. But I get out of the car and I

(33:18):
swear to God, he comes up to like right here on me.
And I am not well, like I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny.
Like I'm just, I'm and I have muscle too.
So the first thing he tries to do is like shoot on me like a
wrestler. And I'm just like kind of like
looking at this child who's 10 years older than me, just child
trying to like take me down. So I pick him up and I dropped
him on his head and then I had elbowed in, which looked really,

(33:41):
really cool because it put like a a cut over his eye.
The cops get caught, OK, And thecop is like trying to figure out
why there's a man with a cut on his head, OK?
Nobody can get the fuck off the makeup though to explain what's
going on. They're still hung up on the
makeup. Right, Yeah, I have blood all
over my jacket. So I'm just like taking that

(34:01):
off, putting it in the car. And I'm just like, I'm not even
going to talk to the cop becausehe's like, God damn, is there
anybody here that's not on alcohol?
Because you all are fucking. But they're just like Gabby's
everything. Like my makeup got stolen, OK, I
got stolen. Can't even say our fucking T got
stolen from me. They took it and they're like,
who took it? And they're like the road, man.

(34:22):
He's going down the road. I cannot stand around people.
Yeah. No, there's definitely plenty of
times that you're just like you guys.
Would, but yeah, I wouldn't be sitting there singing like fuck
you, I'm drunk to a cop. No, I'm just like, I want that
cop to talk to everybody but me.I was always, I was always the
kid that got in trouble in school for standing up to

(34:43):
authority, but like in a way that wouldn't get me in trouble.
Like I was always very methodical about like I didn't.
I have an authoritarian problem,but mine always led me to
trouble though. So I wish I was like you where I
could do it the cool way, the like like really standing on
principle. Mine were just like one time in
it was like 6 years when I went to the alternative school.

(35:05):
I had a fruit cup in my hand andI acted like I was going to
throw it at the principal, but the lid like popped up a little
bit and it got juice on them. So I had to pick if I wanted to,
you know, be like, oh fuck, I'm so sorry.
Like this or look really really cool for a moment.
You chose the cool rope. I did, and then I went to an
alternative school, which was hell on earth because it was

(35:26):
like Bloods and Crips brought together and it was just like
literally a gang war. Everyday students just getting
beat up by teachers, teachers beating up students.
And then you got my fucking little chubby white ass there
who was like I put a freak up ona principal.
This place is scary as fuck. Everybody's adults cuz it's also
high school so 99% of the peopleare high schoolers.

(35:49):
So if I got bullied bro, and I was like, like I said, I didn't
want to fight. I would fight.
I shut the fuck up, man. There was this guy King.
He'd be like, we doing you fat little dork.
This guy's like a fucking 23 year old black guy.
Like what am I going to do? I was just like, I'm not
nothing. I'm just that class today.
But you fucking you funny. You're right, I am a fat guy.
You are funny. And then there was this one.

(36:10):
I remember I got in trouble there one day because there was
like a Native American dude, I guess he looked real Hispanic to
me, but he said he was Native American, so I respected that.
So he kept telling me he was like, we don't like to be called
the part of a car, OK. And that makes it go, you know
what I'm talking about. The Native Americans don't like
to be called. And he was like, so don't call

(36:33):
me that. And I was like, OK, you're OK,
you ain't gotta tell me. And he's like, but you better
not call me that. And I'm like, bro, are you
supposed to be in a fucking special class or something like
that? Because essentially what he
wants me to do is call him that.Like he's looking up for,
looking a reason to. He's like a fucking 11th grader.
And like I said, all these guys,he might be in 11th grade, but
he's been held back like 4 years, like 21 years old.

(36:53):
And he's looking at a little fucking 11 year old.
Like you better not say it. I'm like, I'm not.
Going to I got the point. I'm not going to say it.
And he's like, he stands up in his seat and he's like, yeah,
you better not say it. And the teacher's like, what's
going on? And I'm like, he's he's mad
because I won't say something racist so he could beat me up.
And she's like, what? And he's like, he's like
explaining it to her too. There was one, we had one

(37:13):
teacher there, Mr. Gillespie. He was like, man, look, he's
like people in here are stupid as fuck.
He's like you're, you know, he'slike the best thing for you to
do is just be quiet. Like, if you see something going
on, don't, don't even stare at it too hard.
Just like, just like look away. Try to mind.
That's what I did. That was me.
I'm just minding my business. But that I guess it did teach me

(37:35):
like the me going to the alternative school did teach me
a lesson. And that was to just like mind
my business. Like if something's going on, I
wouldn't bro. I was a little instigator in the
regular schools where everybody was my age and size there.
I didn't instigate nothing. I didn't, I was just like pretty
much focused on my paperwork. I got into two fights there,
though. One there was like this fucking

(37:55):
10th grader. And it's so funny too, because
he's like, enormous. He is, like I said, these guys
were like grown fucking men. He's.
But he at least is my height. He's just really, really fucking
fat. Yeah.
So he like, grabs on to me. And I know this guy can, like,
beat me up. I can feel how strong he is.
So I'm just like trying to gougehis eyes because I'm like,

(38:15):
there's nothing else I can do. I just want to like, yeah, I
want to get out of this as quickas possible.
So they break it up and we go tothe office and the fucking
counselor there, which I saw that counselor beat up the like
I said, the grown man kids and get beat up too.
But he was like and this one right here went straight for the
eyes and I'm just like, you see the size I wanna die, right?
You see the size of this fuckingperson right here who has a full

(38:36):
beard like and people would get mad over nothing, nothing.
Also there you couldn't wear anyany colors.
You had to wear all like khaki shades, couldn't wear black all
every so every day. And you had to tuck your fucking
shirt into your pants. So every day I came to school
looking like Steve Irwin, which is hard because I am a fat
little kid. So every day I was dressed like

(38:57):
Steve Irwin. It was the bro.
It was. But it's so goddamn funny too,
because it did feel like you were in the Twilight zone
because like I said, everybody there was high schoolers, but
they've been high schoolers thathave been held back for so long.
We had one, there's a white guy there and he called a guy who
was from Africa, like from Africa, the N word, and got just

(39:22):
pummeled like it. So the dude hit him so hard and
broke his orbital ball. And I'm just like, there's like
five of us here. Why?
Like I can get if you're in a gang of like 20 of y'all, I can
understand the bravery it would take.
You know what I'm saying, or notthe bravery, but the I can
understand why you would feel comfortable and safe saying that

(39:44):
there. I was like here I was like, he's
got to be coming back to school to shoot everybody Like we we
aren't backing you up. There's five of us here, but
it's only you like you're going in alone, right.
Yeah, like if he did just like look back at me, I'm like,
there's nothing I could do. So low mission, bud right, yeah,
There ain't no race wars breaking out today like that.
That that shit was baffling to me, man.

(40:06):
And everybody look, I don't alsoI don't understand the.
West Coast, north side, east side, whatever the fuck they
say, You know what I'm saying? But so everybody would say East
Coast because I get our, you know, east side because we're on
the east side or whatever. Like I understand to an extent,
like where I'm at in Brentwood, they call, you know, I know what

(40:28):
they claim there, but I don't understand their demographics
because where they're at in the city does not make sense to
where they're claiming. So I'm just like.
That's always been my problem. Do you guys take geography?
Right. Yeah.
I'm like, you guys are geographylike geographically fucked up on
what you guys are claiming because like some people would
say like east side and we're on the the South side of High

(40:48):
Point. And I'd be like, oh, so you mean
like east side as in where on the East Coast?
And they'd be like, no, no, no, no, East side side, like from
where we're from and in in High Point.
And they know we're in the Southpart of High Point, brother.
And they were like, bro, I just I just, you know, it's my side.
It's my I'm like, so he's their own.
What the fuck ever? Well, then there was this one
kid who came to the school and he looked exactly like, have you

(41:11):
ever seen Coach Carter? No, all right, with Samuel L
Jackson, well, there's a light skinned dude.
He has an Afro and like a mustache and like Coach Carter
kicks him off the team, but thenhe like works his way back on
this kid looked exactly like that kid.
But he would always claim West Side and people would be like
because, you know, people from sides didn't like different
sides. I don't know how that works.

(41:31):
All right. I was just there, but they were
like, man, you know, fuck West Side.
But you know, he's real brave for saying like we respect that.
And I was like, that's and then they just jumped them.
We respect you. Yeah, they jumped them at what
we would essentially call recessat school.
But they they jumped them for being but they were like, man,
we really we really respect you doing that.

(41:53):
But seeing as we are Swiss SE, Idon't I don't know.
Half of them are claiming, like I said, South, half claiming
east and they. Playground.
Bunch of dumb kids being dumb kids.
It was man, it did. It felt like absolutely.
It's called scales. It's in Greensboro and it just
it was the I don't even know whythey call it scales.
The funny shit too is is I had aprincipal in 6th grade.

(42:16):
I fucking hate it. Even though technically all he
wanted was the best for like he wanted me to turn around.
And then next grade in 7th grade, I got his son once again
hated the man. He literally only wanted me to
do well. Like he was like, man, I see you
have a bad home life. Let me write home to you that
you're not even a you're not even a bad kid.

(42:38):
You're just dumb. Like you, you do dumb things.
The things you do are things that people should not get in
trouble like because people wouldn't normally do these
things. Like he's just trying to write
home. I'm not a bad person.
I'm a moron because essentially all I was doing was trying to be
funny, a little cool. That's it.
Like to be accepted. You know what I'm saying?
So when I go to scales, it was the 6th grade principal that was

(43:00):
there. So he's just like, my son sent
you here. He sent you here and he's like,
all right, we'll go to class. And I went to class and I was
like, why? Why are there so many teachers
here? Like I was just like, God damn,
there's a lot of the teachers learning here.
Boy, that first day, that first day, I was like immediately I

(43:22):
knew to just like we, we going to mind our own business.
Sounds like a good eye opening situation for you, but.
Kind of fun though. OK because there was this light
skinned girl. Her name was like fucking.
I don't know what her name was, but I always have.
To have the names, they're the light skinned.
Girl, because I fucking, I love that.

(43:43):
I love name dropping. Listen.
I'm sorry. Everybody knows too, like
something if something happens that we get famous or some shit
like that, people know like if anything cool happens, Mike's
name dropping everybody that wasin the store, like Woody
Harrelson was there and they're just like, bro, we just leave
her fucking name out of it. But she was we're riding the bus
chief once again. She's like in high school and
she was like, you ever had a hand job on a bus?

(44:05):
I was like, no, what I'd like to.
I was just like, no. And she was like, we got pretty
eyes. I was like, so OK, does that
mean I'm getting a hand job on abus?
And Yep. So and she'd be like, you want
to see some titties? I was like indubitably,
likewise, yes, bra, she was the best.
She was the best I did I I'm notgoing to lie to my little 7th

(44:27):
grade ass, like fell a little bit in love with her, even
though she was for the she was for the school, she was for the
school. So she started dating this other
one guy. That kind of broke my heart, but
I I finally remember the hand jobs on the back of the bus.
That was something Brad, like I said, like it was all grown
people and she's just like sitting back there and she just
like said, and I was just like, I've heard, I've heard, I've

(44:50):
heard about the benefits of them.
Yep, I've, I've, I've heard of the studies.
So and that's, and that's real funny too, because in 7th grade
I was short, real fat. And like I said, we always tried
to wear the same hoodie because then I went to another school
where I always wore the same hoodie just because like I was
so self-conscious, not because I'm fat.

(45:11):
It's cool being fat wearing regular clothes, but once you
put me in all khakis, I'll look like Steve Irwin, which thank
you. Shout out to my brother for the
first day that I dressed up for scales and he just like walks to
a living room. He's like, what?
Why they got you dressed like Steve Irwin?
I look back and I'm like, oh God, I got dressed like Steve
Irwin. I looked exactly bro like Steve

(45:33):
Irwin. My brother brought that up and I
was just I'm like sweating on the bus.
I was like, as soon as people realize I look like Steve Irwin,
it's over. Like, oh man, I'd also got a I
don't even want to tell this part.
So I go to my parents, take me to Great Clips.
I didn't get a haircut a lot. I used to have like real long

(45:55):
hair and I don't know why, but they tried to get it to a fade
and they fucked it up. So they kind of mohawked it a
little bit. And like, imagine my fathead
with the Steve Irwin get up. And so my brother's like trying
to make me feel better after he obviously sees he destroyed my
life with the you look like Steve Irwin.

(46:17):
So then he's like, oh, you look,you look like Brock Lesnar.
And that did that gave me the confidence that I needed to go
to school. I was like, you know, I do a
little bit look like he's like, he's like do a little jumpy
thing for me, Mikey. And I get my fat ass just like
sitting there jogging in place like Brock Lesnar used to do
when he came out. You know, before, before I had

(46:37):
to go to jail for that guy. And he did all the fuck shit
before he got on drugs. He was a real cool brother.
Yeah. Are you going to read the other?
Yeah, I'll read this next one. Today I fucked up by
accidentally proposing in a HomeDepot.
My girlfriend and I were at HomeDepot picking out the new shower
head. We were joking around,
pretending to role play as boring suburban homeowners.

(46:59):
I said something like I just want to build a life with you
and maybe Tyler Backsplash someday.
She laughed and said wow, that almost sounded like a proposal.
So I being a dramatic idiot, gotdown on one knee in the plumbing
aisle with a washer ring and said will you marry me babe?
We were laughing until she said yes.

(47:19):
Dead serious eyes misty, voice shaking yes.
Oh my God yes. I froze, I panicked.
I was not proposing, I was pretending and I just went with
it. We're engaged now.
We're engaged now. Air quotes for those that can't

(47:41):
see them. Our families know there's a
group chat. I still haven't told her.
It wasn't real too long, didn't read.
We already read it. So why do they all put the too
long? Didn't read?
Yeah, I. Mean maybe people just skip to
the end all the time, but like, I mean, why read the story if
you're not going to read the story?
I guess you are. You're married.
You're going to be. Married.

(48:01):
Yeah. So you figure out how to break
it off. I have only had the displeasure
of having to be around 2 instances of somebody proposing.
So I'm like I said you've I've told you guys about my family.
They have all they're like crusty family get togethers and
shit like that. And then I don't even want to
tell the story cuz it's so trashy.

(48:22):
But when my stepdad proposed to my mom, he put like a, I guess a
ring he got from a $0.25 fuckingquarter machine.
I don't know, but he put it around a joint.
Classy, yeah, And gave it to a very classy, very, very romance.
We can get real high after you say yes.
Yeah, very romance, but I mean, his brain it was.

(48:44):
And then he told people the story and they're like, it is so
beautiful. And I was like.
Did you buy the good weed that time?
I want now this one. It was all Reggie.
I was just like, I want to escape this life by my own hands
with a belt in a closet. So there was many times when I
was a kid where I was just like,I'm just going to kill myself.

(49:05):
That's a easy way to get out of this predicament that I'm in is
just kill myself. I'm just going to do that.
Never, never was I suicidal though.
But I always just be like, now we're going to kill ourselves,
right? Or just we can get out of this
by killing ourselves. Yeah, no, I I think that was
probably a messed up on home dudes part by actually popping

(49:25):
the question. I mean, I wouldn't expect
somebody to take it seriously. But also that's probably one of
those jokes where I know there'sa line that could be crossed
that you can't come back from. And so like that one's too
serious to even joke about like like, ha ha, you know, would you
marry me? No, that's because.
Me and Amy didn't have none of that, man.
Which sucks because I kind of dowant to, like, still do that.

(49:46):
I know we're fucking 12 years ina marriage, 3 kids, but we
didn't have none of that stuff. So I still kind of like there's
a part of me that wants to do it.
Well, role play at the Home Depot.
But also she might just be like that's corny as fuck babe just
get up what are you doing? Get up.
Got the ground, got the ground. Making a scene, which I get it
cuz you know, we're like Samsies, but little part of me,

(50:07):
little part of me wants to give her like a real wedding.
And then I'll be like, hey, likereal sweet, like we should do
that. And she's like, wow, why the
fuck we ain't got no money. We you want to have a wedding,
You want to have a wedding, You want to put on a white dress,
Michael, She's real. Like she is the person you would
think. Would marry you a.
Person would have to be to be able to handle me so.
Yeah, Mike was talking about straightening up his life the

(50:29):
other day and and Amy was here and he had mentioned that that
like, that was going to be something that he needed to do.
And then Amy, just like starts writing on the list of like.
Yep, you need to do this. You need to do that.
Yeah, he's. Like we gotta get to work.
Like I just said that passingly like we we should probably talk
about it at some point, but likeshe was ready to get into.

(50:51):
The right, yeah, she was just like, here's the list of things.
And I mean, you got to talk to somebody like that's got to be
#1 one guy, like somebody's got to get in that head of yours and
just start sorting shit out. And I.
Was like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa.
I'm so. Take it easy brother.
Like I'm getting overwhelmed nowI'm a panic attack.
Jesus Christ. I was just I'm saying it out
loud so people think that I'm trying to get better.
I love that today I fucked up though, because it thinks like,

(51:12):
think about all the embarrassingshit that you've done.
Oh. Man, I could write a hundred of
those. Oh yeah, I'm about to go through
some because I'm that's what I'mtalking about now is just like
embarrassing shit. So we were at the lake one time
and everybody would like a lot of people from my like dad's
side was there along with like my step dad's side, which was
like a rare thing. But we were all at the lake and
everybody was having fun and shit.
Yeah, this is one of the rare instances my dad was around now

(51:34):
for some reason. And I don't know who they were,
Like I said there, there were somany families.
I don't know whose family brought the skinheads because
plausible for both sides, but there was some skinheads there.
Like actual they have swats on their cheeks and shit.
So there's one standing in frontof me and we had eight what is
called shit on a shingle. Yep, which is just like eggs,

(51:57):
sausage, mayonnaise, whatever. We had ate that, but I guess
they had used some mayonnaise that wasn't in a cooler because
they had fucked my stomach up all day.
And I just randomly like start throwing up.
So we're watching the fireworks on the 4th of July.
We're watching the fireworks andone goes up and I just like
that, but I catch it. But you know what catch and
throw up means? It means it's coming through the

(52:18):
fingers and it goes all over theshoulder of the Skinhead
standing in front of me. And I'm like, I'm not old.
Why? I'm like 12 or 13, which is like
old enough in their eyes to catch an ass whooping, which
they had stated earlier to like my brother or something like
that. Cuz he was like talking shit.
But he just turns around and he like looks at his shoulder.
He's like, you OK buddy? And he was like, oh man, you

(52:40):
just was something you ate. Is your belly hurting?
And I was just like, man, fucking skinheads are so nice to
white kids. I thought he was going to be
like, completely different, bro.I was mortified because it was
like a couple of them standing there.
But I was like, man, wow, they are.
You guys get a bad rap. And then I'm like, oh, fuck.
Oh, yeah, that's OK. I assume if I was a black child,

(53:02):
they would not have been as nice.
But yeah, they were a lot nicer than I thought they would be.
That's the one movie that I really feel like Mike needs to
watch, that he is refused to watch is American History X.
It just, I don't know, it feels,it feels not real.
Such a good movie that's. The one where they curb stomp
the guy, right? I fucking I hate that movie

(53:23):
because of the curb stomp shit when we were younger.
I remember the one guy, it was that one Internet video where
the guy gets curb stomp on the fucking fluorescent light and
like you never saw that video. That was dope.
I think it was like the. Only thing I've ever watched and
or seen or read about. People don't know what I'm
talking about. It's an early, it's like an
early Internet video, but every kid would be like, yeah, I got

(53:47):
into this fight and then I curb stomp this guy.
I was like, do you know how fucking impossible it is to curb
stomp anybody who is moving thatyou do not have like 7 people to
hold down? Yeah.
One plus, I mean, you were goingto kill that person.
It's just like that. It's that.
And then the also like when I get into a fight, I see red.
That's how I was like, OK, I have it like a moderate chance
of probably winning this fight because this guy's never been in
one. Yeah.

(54:07):
Because as soon as someone's like, yeah, I'll black out or I
see red. I was like, that's just, that's
very unfortunate if you get intoa fight and you can't see
anything anymore. Yeah, because I just win.
I remember I got into a fight with this kid, Jason Martin.
He used to talk like that. We fought at Alan J We were in
Alan J Middle, and we got to fight there.
And he was just like the kid, Like he would fight at the drop

(54:29):
of a fucking hat. And he was decent at it.
Like he had beaten a couple kidsup, so it looked really cool.
But also he was a bully. So he was fighting kids that
absolutely could not fight. So then he picks a fight with
me, which I didn't like I said Ididn't like to fight, but he
picks a fight with me and all I did because it was pretty much
just like a grabbing match because he tackled me out of a
chair because the teacher would sit in my chair outside of the
classroom. So I have to look through the

(54:51):
door and there's all the kids inmy chair was outside of the
classroom because I went shut the fuck up.
But he was walking by me. We had already had problems and
he said something and I don't even think I said anything
because I knew like he would fight at the drop of a hat And
he's just like, all I hear is what?
And I'm getting tackled out of my chair.
So everybody's like laughing andthe teacher's laughing because
they just thought I fell out of my chair.
Like I was just goofing off and fell out of my chair because

(55:13):
I'm, I'm really like, when the fuck are they going to break
this up? Because at first he's like on
top of me and I'm just like trying not to get punched.
So we finally like get up and I punched him one time in the face
and it broke his glasses, which was good enough to for people to
be like, all right, Michael won that fight.
So then we go to scales. He goes to scales too, because
he's a bad kid. And we get into a fight there.
And that's when I learned like, never fight fair because if you

(55:36):
fight with integrity and peace and honor, that doesn't mean the
next guy is because I am wearinghim out on a bus.
We had got into a fight at school.
I didn't want to fight him again.
He he was an OK kid. He was just stupid.
Like, I don't fucking know. Like he had autism.
That shit wasn't diagnosed back then.
You were just a weird kid. I don't fucking know what was
wrong with him. But once again, he's fighting

(55:56):
for no reason. And I have him like in the bus
seat and I have it to where I'm one and I'm like, I'm done.
And he stands up and I'm like I hold his arms and I'm like bro
we we should stop. And when I did that he head
butted the fuck out of me in thenose which completely I saw
nothing like I didn't get knocked out or anything but I
couldn't see because my eyes were so blurry.
He then took the hood of my hoodie.

(56:17):
I told you I wore that fucking hoodie try to cover up some of
the Steve Irwin which was a brown hoodie because that was
the only color we were allowed in the hoodie department.
But he didn't takes the hood andpulls it over my head like this
and holds it down and punches mein the back of the head.
And I sit down on a this senior black guy like he's he's a
senior in school, which honestly, I don't know what the

(56:38):
fuck. I think he got in trouble for
having sex with a girl in the other school that he went to.
That's why he went to there because dude was the nicest dude
and he was like, he's really smart dude.
I was like, what the fuck are you here?
But I'm like sitting on him and I'm not in pain because he's
punching like the hard part of my head.
But you know, everybody's like, you know, they would always say
you lost that fight, but you were winning the beginning.
I don't give a fuck. Let's just stop talking about
before he fights me again for nogoddamn reason, because he just

(57:00):
likes to fucking fight people. Just shut the fuck up.
But he's sitting there like punching me and I'm like, hey
bro, can you like break it up? He's like, yeah, I got you.
But right now, because like how you sit, you're real fat man.
I can't get up. So we just had to wait until he
tired out, which was like 6 morepunches.
So finally like he was like, andyou had enough.
I was like, yeah bro, I didn't want to do any of this, you

(57:20):
fucking troglodyte. I didn't want to fucking do none
of this shit. Hated that fucking guy.
God, just after. But he was the one that'd be
like, yeah, I'll curb stomp people do all this stuff and me
knowing it's a I'm just like, I'm not even going to say
nothing because he's going to start fighting.
And then he got into a fight with West Coast kid too, but he
didn't jump him. He just jumped on the thing.

(57:42):
And then I found out that he really likes to do that because
he pulled his hoodie over his head and like hit him in the top
of the head. And then when he got done, the
West Coast kid didn't want to fight either because he's just
like that. And his name is Jason, Jason
Martin fuck up. He's been arrested for meth,
everything under the sun. I'll name his fucking name first
and last. I don't give a fuck.
But he's like walking away from the guy just like talking shit.

(58:04):
And the guy like starts talking to the girl that's right next to
him like nothing had happened there.
He was just one of those people where is like the Aaron the
Plumber guy. You just say anything wrong and
it's just like a health bar popsup and you're like, what the
fuck? I didn't do anything.
God, we should watch that. I should watch that movie and
then before a podcast and then we do.

(58:25):
We could have one a week where we watch like a movie.
Or so the person that was the director and everything.
Is Val Kilmer in it? No, I don't think so.
Not Val Kilmer. He's in a prison movie, right?
I imagine so because he's chunky.
Val Kilmer in that one. No, this one's Edward Norton and

(58:47):
I can't remember a lot of the other actors names but.
Morton hears a who? Yeah, but no, I I was saying
something. I forgot what I was going.
To say ADHD or my constantly interrupting people.
That's usually what it is. And you just got to like, hold
on to that thought while I just say the most ridiculous shit
you've heard in your life. But I think that's a good

(59:11):
stopping point here. What?
How far are we in? Our and maybe 15 minutes.
All right, I just want to tell you the first fight I ever got
into, OK. We're just going to do from now
on, Mike and Dylan hate drama isjust going to, we're going to
chronicle all of the fights thatMike's been in and is.
Like, no, I want to tell everybody the first fight and
what really catapulted me so in elementary school, I was bullied

(59:37):
so fucking bad. And what sucks too is my sister
was one right above me. And like I said, she's always
been a hefty girl. She's been a big girl and she
was quite smelly. So is my older brother, my
middle brother. So everybody got picked on.
My oldest brother, he only has two fingers and one arm.
So everybody like had their thing of getting picked on.
So like when you went from, you know, when you went to

(59:57):
elementary school or in the middle school or in the high
school, it was like your time, it was time for the school to
pick on you because everybody knew of our family and shit.
So I was picked on so heavily inelementary school and I was
like, man, it's so crazy becausethese teachers are like, hey, if
you're getting bullied, come tell us about it.
I was a little snitch, man. I'd go up and I'd be like a
teacher person, this guy's fucking fucking with me.

(01:00:19):
Can you do something? They'd be like, stop being a
tattletale. Your parents said tattletale
wasn't good. Go sit your fat ass down.
I was like, God damn, teachers don't care.
So I just like cry and shit a lot, man.
And I remember in fifth grade, it was we were having field day
and there was this part where itwas like the track part.
And I was like, I'm going to do really well and I'm just going

(01:00:40):
to finish. Like that's going to be my win
because I know I can't outrun anybody here.
My my thing is I'm just going towin.
So we all go to start and all these parents are watching a
shit like that. And we take off and this kid Max
clips my foot as soon as it starts.
Yep. And I fall right there and all
the parents just start laughing.Like parents, school teachers,

(01:01:01):
like everybody sitting there laughing at me and I was like,
man, never again. Like I got to figure something
out. That's got AI got I got to
figure something out. There's got to be something I
can bring to school to stop all this.
I. Had to go there.
I doubt it. Back a little bit.
OK, My middle brother didn't. He actually took one.
I think he took one to school orhe threatened the school with

(01:01:22):
it. That's why he got expelled out
of school. Like I said, man, we got picked
on, man, we were poor. That's why when I see this shit
about like a kid that went to the school, not like a grown man
doing it. I'll be like oh now now it's a
big deal with violence at school.
I bet when he was getting fucking punched on and shit like
that y'all were just like their mom drives a fucking a fucking

(01:01:42):
Lexus. You just, you got to deal with
it. Bud Yeah, they can't be the.
Problem, right? There's 500 kids here.
Do you think I can deal with your problems and be like, Nah,
man, I'm getting fucking picked on, so I'm sorry.
Sometimes, like I said, sometimes people reap what they
sow. It just happens little way We're
we're very truthful about things.
But the next year in 6th grade, I'm like, all right, shit's
going to be different. We started riding this bus.

(01:02:05):
There was a 7th grader there. His name's Nigel, all right?
Nigel. He looked like he was like a can
of corn with like another can ofcorn.
That's how thick his head and his body was.
And not all he would do is just sit there and talk shit.
And then he would talk shit about my sister, which I didn't
care because we didn't really like each other.

(01:02:26):
So, I mean, we would talk shit about each other half the time,
but she would always, like, laugh.
And it was like really getting to me.
So 2 cool things kind of happened.
John Cena was popping off at this point.
This was in fifth grade kind of when it like started where I was
like being different because, you know, John Cena would like
do the little battle raps when he came to the ring.
So I started doing that with theblack kids on the bus, which got

(01:02:48):
me some friends. OK, so they're like half assed
convent trying to convince me. They're like, bro, you got to
fight him. If you're ever going to not get
picked on, you got to fight the kid.
OK, Yeah. And I was like, bye, I'll get in
trouble. So my dad comes to visit, one of
the few times he does, and I tell him what's going on.
And he's like, Mikey, sometimes you got to stand up for
yourself. You got to hit a kid in the
mouth, and then he'll stop picking on you.

(01:03:11):
Then I was like, all right, so Ihad the everybody's blessing.
And then also the black kids on the bus were like, hey, if you
lose, we'll help you out, which I don't think they would have.
But it was enough to be like, OK, so the next day I get on the
bus and I'm like kind of goadingbecause he always says something
everyday. He always starts picking on me.
So I just start, but him pickingon me faster so I can go ahead

(01:03:32):
and get it over with. And I was like, you better not
say anything about my grandma. He's like, what?
I was like, that's right, you better not because damn, I'm
gonna fight you. I probably sound like I was so
autistic, but I was like, you better not say anything.
And he was like, your grandma was like my grandma.
What? My grandma, what?
And he was like, you grandma's fat.
So I was like, OK, stand up because we're fighting.
He proceeds to stand up and I closed my eyes.

(01:03:55):
I did not get a wink, a singularview of anything that happened
in that fight. All I know is I put my head down
and I started windmilling like amotherfucker.
And here's the cool thing, when you're a fat kid on a bus, like
the spaces on your side, becauseyou box in so much room, it's
hard for the other kids, especially once you get them
into a seat, they can't move a lot.
So I can't tell you if any of the punches hit Nigel anything

(01:04:20):
like that. But when it was all over, this
kid, Zach was acting like he wasinterviewing me.
Kids in school were weird, but he was like, he was like, how
does it feel to win your first fight?
And I'm just like sitting there like, oh man, it's great.
Which honestly was like a fuck up moment because then I became
that kid that was just like at the drop drop of a dime.
I. Can kick anybody rocky that
which. Fucking turned on me because
there was a kid, Antonio Martin,now.

(01:04:40):
He was in 8th grade and he was huge.
He was our, he was the quarterback for the high school
all four years he was in school.Like he just went into high
school as an adult. Well, I remember like one day he
had said something to me which was not anything like really
bad. I think I was like just being a

(01:05:01):
fucking annoying little kid on abus.
And he was like, hey man, come on.
Like I got a headache. Can you stop?
And I was like, can I stop? Can you stop?
Can you stop being a bitch or some shit like that?
I had taken it too far, all right?
Yeah. By the end of me being in 6th
grade, I had taken it way too far.
Today I fucked up. Yeah, yeah, today I fucked up
and I remember he's like, man, Idon't even want to.
I was like, you gonna cuz I don't want to have to jump on
you right here on the bus cuz I had a little bit of cockiness to

(01:05:24):
me now too. Everything started to change as
soon as I started throwing hands, but I remember he stands
up which should have been the stop.
Like stop just I was just. Playing.
I was just playing so he. Stands up, listen, and I just
walk up to him and I guarantee he did not use an eighth of his
strength. Punches me one time in the
forehead and I swear to God I had an outer body experience

(01:05:46):
where he punched me in the forehead and the ghost of me
appeared behind me and was like God damn.
And I remember I just, I didn't even say anything.
I sat down on the bus and just like this all the way home.
I was like, we're going to learnfrom that.
He Antonio got to a lot like, I won't say a lot of fights, but
he was like, you know, football team and shit like that.
And there was a lot of gangsters.

(01:06:07):
So they would like try to fuck with him.
That would be like the ultimate form of Obama bad.
And he just mop them. But listen, that was that was
the day where I was just like, all right, I will fight anybody
but Antonio now I think it's a good place to end.
Yeah. He punched the shit out of me,
man. I was like, Nah, never again.
All right, guys, if you want to see Reddit, am I The assholes us
do those without all the banter.We still get into a little bit

(01:06:30):
of banter, jug around a little bit, but they're way more
concise. Go to two daddies judging,
baddies, judging, judging. We judge them all right.
That is our other podcast where we really get into the red as we
know some people enjoy them. Also, if you would like us to
read, give you advice or read a story that you submit, it could
be one of your stories, it couldbe a Internet story.
Just let us know which one it is.

(01:06:51):
Then go to mikeanddylan.com. MIKEANDDY, lan.com.
Also, if you would like any of the cool clothes that we wear,
go to laborllama.com, LABOR lama.com.
We have a lot of cool hats, hoodies, shirts printed right
here in North Carolina. Me and Dylan oversee the
operation. 9 times out of 10, we're packing the packing the

(01:07:12):
items. 10 times out of 10, Dylan's doing it.
Yeah. 10 times out of 10. But there's like this weird
standard deviation where one time out of like a tenth, I will
do it. But normally it's Dylan.
I'd say one time out of 100. Definitely check us out.
It definitely helps out the podcast and any other ventures
that me and Dylan do, and we will see you guys next time.
Later.

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Accidental Proposals, Therapist Flashing, and Mike's Fight Chronicles | MADHD Ep16 | Reading Reddit TIFU