May 21, 2025 • 41 mins
Mike and Dylan dive into the Reddit Hall of Fame with the infamous "Poop Knife" story about a family's unusual bathroom tool, launching them into unfiltered discussions about childhood misconceptions and embarrassing bodily functions. From Dylan's first "shart" experience at age seven to Mike's workplace disaster at 27, the guys hold nothing back while exploring those moments when you realize your family's habits weren't as normal as you thought.
The conversation takes unexpected turns through Mike's shocking revelation about living with a broken septic tank where "shit would come through the shower drain," forcing his family to use buckets for months. Mike continues with tales of dumpster diving as a teen, & Dylan thinking UPS drivers randomly delivered packages like Santa, and Mike's parents who refused help despite struggling financially.
Their candid reflections on cigarette addiction, gambling, and the moral compromises they refuse to make in their careers reveal why Mike insists he'd "die with my morals" rather than sell out.
This episode perfectly balances crude humor with surprising depth as the hosts debate the ethics of flushable wipes, gambling sponsorships, and what they won't do for fame.
Join the guys on their new more concise podcast "2 Daddies Judging Baddies" or stick with MADHD for the deep dives and rambling stories they're known for.
Submit your own drama for Mike and Dylan to solve at https://MikeAndDylan.com or join the conversation on their new subreddit r/MADHD https://www.reddit.com/r/MADHD/
About LaborLama
When they're not solving your drama or unpacking generational trauma, Mike and Dylan are behind LaborLama, a clothing brand dedicated to creating comfortable, quality clothes for people who work hard. Unlike those shady print-on-demand companies sending you mismatched shirts that fall apart after one wash, Labor Llama delivers clothing worth your hard-earned money. Check out their quality apparel at https://laborlama.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Bear never bound down Mike and Dylan hate drama mom, but the
Bow Wow, are we rolling? We're rolling, we're rolling.
All right, guys, welcome back toanother episode of Mike and
Dylan hate hate drama. We were actually deciding right
now if we were going to shoot Mike and Dylan hate drama or two
daddies judging baddies. He said that really fast and
really smooth. I think we're going to get used
(00:20):
to the two daddies judging baddies.
Look at me, I did it too. Why outside I was I was messing
it all up. I was like 2 baddies judging
that we chose a very difficult name for the for the new
podcast. I mean, we could be two baddies
judging baddies too. I mean, we're pretty bad.
We are, yeah, we are handsome individual.
Right now Mike is trying to get healthier.
(00:42):
He is trying to live a healthierlife which will last for like 3
days and then I'll be back to bein.
No, I think, I think you are real good at like a month and
then after that month is up likeyou've cycled out of it I.
Think one of your like self helpbooks.
Yeah. And I'm just going to you tell
me your favorite and I'm going to get it on audiobook because
I'm not going to sit there and read it.
(01:02):
There's some really good Gary Vee ones.
They're less, they're more like business oriented, but I mean,
there's, there's a lot of good ones.
But that's The thing is I, I sawsomebody talk about it.
It's better to have one book andjust like read it, read it
again, like learn your lessons, like keep coming back to that
one book than it is to like serial read like 100 of them
(01:23):
because you never implement any of it.
So the more you just like focus on just like pick one book, roll
with that one and let it be yourlifestyle for a while.
I got to give up cigarettes. Caffeine, got to start
exercising some, losing weight again.
I stopped all that. I was doing real good for a
minute there. And then I just, I don't know,
life. Life gets in the way and it's
like, look, I'm gonna be really hard.
(01:44):
So it's going to be really hard to focus on yourself.
So you're just going to die, bud.
Yeah, should happens. It does happen.
So today we have we have viewer actually recommended that we
read. What are these called?
They're just like the, you know,Hall of Fame Reddit.
Yeah, it's like Reddit Hall of Fame stories.
We we read one of those and thenwe kind of after we read the
(02:05):
Reddit story, that's when we kind of go into this overtime
where we could talk about similarities in our lives that
pertain to the story. So I think that's a good way to
kind of go about it. Today's story is called Poop
Knife. And I bet you don't know about
it unless you have already read this story on Reddit.
And I have not read this story, so it's going to be a treat to
(02:25):
go through to read to you guys. And then me and Dylan will kind
of go into, you know, things that pertain similarly to it.
So I know this story is about a guy who thought that some things
that he did as a kid was normal.So I believe that's the kind of
banter we're going to get into after we read this story, right,
Dylan? Yeah, that sounds good.
All right, Yeah. So, you know, right now, like I
(02:46):
said, Mike's trying to change his life.
So I'm in a bit of a brain fog, which actually is.
I don't know, I'm getting words out better and.
Brain fog is good for you. Maybe, maybe I won't be as
witty, but this one's called Poop Knife and Dylan wrote Poop
knife at the top. It looks real.
Go ahead and show the audience how how nice my handwriting is.
This is your. Camera out there you go poop
knife. I feel like a the the teacher.
(03:08):
That's like showing the after I read something I.
Automatically thought Vanna White.
She's a baddie. She is, yeah.
She's old now. Have you seen Rachel Ray,
Brother? She aged, which I mean is good,
but she's also had like, health problems and stuff like that.
Oh, man, I look, I'm on, I'm on show, Dylan on my phone.
And then, you know, as I guess I.
(03:29):
Always thought she was cute whenshe was like a little bigger
back in the day. Oh, yeah.
But I mean, now she's just, I mean, is she?
She's aged. I saw a picture of Jonah Hill
this morning and he is a very skinny man.
He does that though he cycles like I.
Mean he's very, very skinny. We like to go from fat to
skinny, fat to skinny. Everybody's like going crazy
about her now. I mean, they like honestly she
(03:51):
just looks like a normal person on a day that you don't want to
be photographed. I've done a ton of.
I guess they only think you're normal if you do a ton of
plastic surgery as a. Well, and they like to like, you
know, like that whole like Ben Affleck out there, like smoking
a cigarette and shit. It's like they're normal people.
Like they're just regular old people.
Like I mean, yes, probably infinitely wealthy, but like
also that comes with its own downsides of like not being able
(04:13):
to go. Every time I see.
Grab a quick bite to eat or something.
Right, every time I see the Ben Affleck photo of him just out
there just stressed as shit smoking a cigarette, I'm like
Samsies brother Samsies. You could get that picture any
day of the week outside the studio, yeah.
You could I look at just like, what are we doing here, man?
A little part It's there's no point where we're out there
(04:34):
happy smoking cigarettes. If we're out there, if I'm
smoking a cigarette, especially if Dylan smoking cigarette,
things have gone terribly awry. There was that one.
There was like a 2 day stint where we sold like 40 shirts on
TikTok shop that that was like, OK we got it, we figured it out.
And then the next day, it's likedown to like, no shirts, right?
And then Tik Tok's also like, and we're gonna stop paying you
(04:55):
no more money. And Facebook's like us too.
And we're just like, so we're just fucked.
OK, Thanks guys. And.
Then we're back to Ben Affleck. Yeah, then I'm bad.
Just back out there just like stressed.
Like I could turn my life aroundor I could just die and I ain't
got to worry about any of this stuff.
I imagine like a burglar now, like a robber just like goes to
like car driving. He's like, get out the car, I'll
kill you. So I'm like, OK, either I get
(05:17):
out the car, you take my car, I have to walk and I'll be
miserable. Or you just shoot me and then I
have no more problems. Yeah, my my family gets paid.
Yeah. So if you're going to pick one,
you just pick one right now. I'm gonna let you pick.
Yeah. Rolling the dice here.
You. My life is in your hands.
And then he's going to be like awife.
And he's going like, well, I don't want to pick.
And I'm like, you're the one who's hungry right now.
God, yeah, you're the one who wants to rob somebody right now.
(05:40):
You are the one who should pick Jesus.
All right. So my family poops big.
All right. Had a little bit of swear to
come out too when I said. Flex on that one, yeah.
Just they poop. They have large, large feces.
Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births
(06:00):
giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega poop,
you know that sometimes it won'tflush.
It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the
vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
What kind of what kind of fiber rich turds is this family have
in that it the the vortex just doesn't like break it in half?
(06:20):
These are those cornbread fed country boys that you were
talking about in the Aliens invasion.
Brother, do you know when I was a kid, and I used to, because
you know, kids, they have big healthy poops, man.
And when you're a kid, that shithurts so bad.
And I used to, I used to be like, I used to tell God I
wouldn't lie anymore. If the turd would just come out,
I'd be like, brother, yeah, I quit lying and everything.
(06:42):
God, that shit. Growing up, this was common
enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife.
It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the
laundry room only to be used forthat purpose.
It was normal to walk through the hallway and someone call
out. Hey can you grab me the poop
knife? I thought it was a standard kit.
Oh man, you have a plunger, yourtoilet brush, and your poop
(07:05):
knife. Fast forward to 22, it's been a
day or two between poops and I'mover at a friend's house.
My friend was the local dealer and always had guests over.
Because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and
sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a
gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a
sideways 1, so I crack the door and call out to my friend.
(07:28):
He arrives and I ask him for hispoop knife.
My what? Your poop knife?
I say. I need it to, I need it to, I
need to use it, please. He's like, what the fuck is a
poop knife? Obviously he has one, but maybe
he calls it by a more delicate name.
(07:48):
A fecal cleaver and dumb divider.
A guanoglave. I explain what it is.
I explain what it is I want and why I want it.
He starts giggling, then laughing.
Then lots of people start laughing.
It turns out the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas
through the door. It also turns out that none of
them have poop knives. It was just my fucked up family
(08:11):
with their fucked up bowels. Fuck my life.
I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and
horrified at the same time. It turns out she did not know
what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife
hanging in the utility closet asa basic utility knife.
How do you get through a relationship and then marriage
without ever mentioning the poopknife?
(08:32):
Yeah, the poop knife I think would like especially depending
on when, unless he's just now experiencing this over at his
like dealer's house. But like at some point, yeah.
Do you figure? Oh yeah, watch that one.
That one's the poop knife. I.
Think you're watching Like what?Maybe we should have talked
about this before we got married.
They. Had to have moved or something
and so he had to like take the poop knife with him to like the
(08:52):
new location and be like where should we put the poop knife
Where's a good spot for this it'd.
Be crying the wife just like, oh, we didn't need a poop knife.
All of our family had just very loose bowels so thankfully she
didn't cook with it but used to open Amazon boxes.
She will be getting her own utility knife now.
Wait was he a utility knife? Was using like a box cutter to
(09:13):
cut these poops apart. No, she was using the poop knife
to because like it was just a sharp object that could open a
box easily. There's an edit common question,
why was this not in the bathroominstead of the laundry room?
Answer. We only had one poop knife and
the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms.
Bros rich and using a poop knifeman 3 bathrooms.
(09:33):
Yeah, I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives.
All I knew was that we didn't. We had the one.
Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the
weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife
that. Is see, they were wealthy enough
to eat well because that that cost some money.
So they, they have nice healthy poops, but dad's like, no, no,
(09:54):
we're not having three poop knives.
One we share it. Dad is making sure they get all
their fiber, though, and they'reliving, I mean, healthy bowels
because they're having these logs that are just like, you
could assault somebody with it. Yeah, that's just a poop knife,
man. So what did you have as a as a
child that you thought? We're going into overtime, guys
where we banter and stuff like that.
So we're going to ask Dylan whathe experienced when he was a
(10:18):
child that he thought was normalbut was not that normal.
Well, the thing that I was goingto say on that story is like the
first time you ever like do a shark, as the term is.
And I think I had my first one when I was like 7 at like a
Super Bowl party at one of my friends houses.
Yeah. And I thought it was a fart and
it wasn't. And then I ran to the bathroom
(10:38):
and then I had to like call my mom crying.
I was because I'd never shit myself.
Like I was like a kid that doesn't shit themselves anymore.
Like I'd never had that experience.
And, like, I thought I was like the, you know, the weirdest,
lamest kid because I poop my pants, which I didn't like poop
my pants. It was just like, you know,
yeah. But that experience.
And then from there on, like, I've had trust issues with my
(10:59):
bowels ever since. And it's like, I don't know what
I can believe is just going to come out as gas and which is
going to be a, you know, either liquid or solid form.
Right, I didn't start sharting until up in age.
Like, that was the, I think the first time I experienced the
Shard, I was like 27 years old at work.
Yeah. Because I just started going
through, like, all the stomach problems and stuff.
(11:19):
And I thought I was about to RIPme a big one.
And I ripped this just oily mess.
And I was like, oh God. And now I have to leave.
And which is funny too, because I told myself like, I don't
care. I went to the supervisor.
I was like, hey, I got to go. And he's like, why?
I was like, I just like I just fucking farted.
And this just oil mess came out of my out of my bows.
He's like, oh, that's the worst.Are you coming back?
I'm like, fuck no, no, I look 45minutes away, buddy.
(11:41):
I'm not driving 45. Minutes.
I'm going to take a shower, probably relax.
Yeah, that was an experience. Trying to process have a
cigarette that was this is a whole new experience.
I'm trying to like process this new life that since then it's
it's probably happened about 11 times.
Getting old sucks man. Especially like when you got IBS
and like dealing with it where you never had to deal with it
before. And it's always the times where
(12:02):
like, you know, it's inconvenient, like the most, it
never just happens like while you're at the house, like just
like, oh. No, that's when it mostly
happens to me when I'm, when I'mcomfortable to really like RIP
big ones. Yeah, I don't know what it is
about that too. Like now in the mornings, man,
I'll be like just a gas machine with the and it's not even like
the cute ones. Are they ever really cute?
(12:23):
You know, you've been back in the day I had the birds and I
guess now you would just assume I've been to a bunch of ditty
parties because now they're justlike we're just releasing one
thing that I thought was semi normal because I talked to a
teacher about it. Because we're talking about
like, you know, just like dealing with like problems and
stuff we hate going through right now.
(12:44):
Because it was I guess we were talking about like it was sex
add bodies changing and stuff like that.
And I remember at the house where, like I told you, I spent
most of the time out, the septictank was fucking up and
obviously my parents didn't havemoney to fix it.
So, well the shitty thing that would happen literally is you
would be taking a shower and then shit would come through the
(13:05):
start coming through there and you just had to like scream and
run away. What the fuck, right?
So I was just like, man, I just hate when I'm like taking a
shower and then shit starts coming out the drain and then
people are like, what did he youlive in a fucking exorcist house
or something like that, bro. It got so bad that the like we
couldn't even use the toilet anymore.
We had shit in buckets, bro, andwe had to wait until tax time
for that crackhead to fucking fix it.
(13:26):
That was the genuinely just likethe most awful experience.
I was like, man, I'd I'd like to.
I just rather be out in the woods right now, honestly than
fucking the shit bathroom. I hated living.
I hated living with them becausethey wouldn't fucking fix it
either too, which I mean, I to apoint, I understand because
(13:46):
finally when they I saw what like all needed to be done when
they finally got it fixed and they had to bring out like
excavators and shit to like dig it up and and fix everything.
And I remember the day I came home from school when I saw that
happen because we've been dealing with it for a while now.
And I was just like to the pointwhere mentally exhausting
because I also told you like I slept right there at the
(14:07):
bathroom. So I had poop bathroom, poop
central right there at my room. So it just smelled awful all the
time. And finally they got it fixed.
For a while there I thought justlike, man, when your septic tank
fucks up, that's a, that's a like a rough six months right
there. And people be like, Nah, my
family fixed it immediately. Like as soon as it started
happening. I'm like, cool, what do y'all
like rich or something like this?
They're like. Responsible adults.
(14:27):
Right. They're like no no they just
parents are able to do things. Bro, it was so crazy growing up
too, because I thought this would happen when I was an adult
because like it, the adults thatI lived around for some reason
would always randomly get a large sum of money for something
that happened. And I was like, man, I can't
wait for those When I'm an adultthat's never happened.
Like I've never just randomly for something that I didn't know
(14:49):
that was happening. I remember my stepdad's a
brother, their family, they got a really like large medical
check and it was like $19,000. So obviously $19,000.
Me hearing that as a kid, I was like, oh, they're fucking rich
now. I'm like, brother, you're,
you're, you got it made. You're loaded.
Let me hold the dollar. Time to find out that they were
(15:11):
not supposed, they were supposedto send that into the insurance
company. So they got in a little bit of
trouble for that one, but I was just like, man, like the these
adults just get random randomly large amounts of random money
sometimes. See, I always thought that was
what when I'd see like the UPS driver come, I'm like, is he
even bring me a package? And then finally, I think I was
(15:31):
probably well into my teenage years before I realized I was
like, oh, you have to like orderit for them to send you
something. Like it's they're not just
dropping off packages like fucking Santa Claus.
Like I was like, am I going to get a package?
Every time I'd see him ride downthe road, I was like, am I going
to get a package? 13 years I have had a look at
this guy. Bring everybody but me
something. When is it going to be my time?
When is it going to be Dylan's time to shop?
(15:53):
And we never like got packages because like, I mean, there was
no online ordering or anything. So it was a very like.
How the hell yeah, how the hell was that work?
Just catalogues. I mean, I guess, yeah.
I remember seeing catalogs. Yeah, we saw the catalogs, we
used to shop in the catalogs, but we never.
Nah, see that's you're rich bro,because that never happened.
No, my mom would get the JC Penney catalogs and we'd just
(16:13):
look through it. We wouldn't get any of the shit
from it. Like that's one thing that my
parents raised me without believing in Santa Claus.
Like they told me like wasn't real from the beginning.
And so like I'd see all the kidsaround me, they'd get like
fucking, you know, Game Boys andSega Genesis and all this other
stuff. And I would get I would get like
a 99 science experiment like package.
(16:36):
Like that was my thing for Christmas was all learning toys
and shit like that. And so like, I tried to believe
in Santa. I was like Santa, please bring
me something. You did the reverse.
He was like, these motherfuckersare lying to me and all these
other kids are benefiting from this Santa guy and they're
telling me not to believe in this Santa.
Dude so I tried and he still he still brought me like a science
kid which. I know even telling you that
(16:58):
Santa wasn't real, you were justlike he is real and my parents
are just fucking you. Got to believe guys.
I tried like hell and yeah, never, never did.
I think the first game system wegot was like NES, like the
original, and by that time it was like, you know, 98 or 99
when like Playstations and all that stuff were coming out.
(17:20):
And my parents eventually boughtme a PlayStation the like first
version but. I knew Santa wasn't real from a
very early age because he never even got remotely what I wanted.
I remember, oh man, I remember Iwas like 7 or 8 years old and
waking up for Christmas and my stepdad walks into my bedroom
(17:41):
and he throws this Ziploc baggieand it has what, what I can only
describe is like various pieces of used toys.
I've never had like a mighty duck in it.
And he was like, Merry Christmas.
And that's what I got at that age for Christmas.
And I'm just like opening the bag and stuff.
And there's no way Santa would bring this shit.
My nephews like my I don't know what to call her but like my
(18:04):
nephew's mom like she's such a. That would be an aunt, right?
No, my nephews like some of my brother's sex or whatever.
Yeah, family math is really hardfor me to do in my.
Head but like my brother's always paid child support,
always has and always like neverfought it like fought to try and
get the kids, but never fought like having to pay for the kids,
right. And there was real fucked up
(18:27):
though, like they were probably,you know, 10/11/12 somewhere in
that range. And she opted to tell the kids
that they were too bad to get Christmas presents instead of
just buying them fucking Christmas presents.
I was like, she didn't have the money supposedly, but like, my
brother's paying a lot to make sure that these kids like have
food and clothes and all the other stuff.
(18:47):
And she opted to tell them they were too bad to get Christmas
presents. And I was like, you are the
shittiest. Like humor that's a terrible.
Like, if you can't afford it, say you can't afford it or
whatever. And then tell them Santa's not
real if they've been doing the Santa thing.
But like, don't tell them you'rebad.
But also there are resources in your community, like if you're
like really, really down single mom type shit, there's like
(19:08):
churches and stuff like that, which pissed me off so much
about my parents because they wouldn't go to like churches and
shit to get anything, not food, not nothing.
Like they're like I said, they were poor people.
They're poor kids. And then they were like rich
poor kids where their family would use the food stamps and
they would go to like these churches and stuff and ask for
help. But you know, I got the the
proud, the proud crackheads thatwere just like, you know, we're
(19:31):
going to earn our crack responsibly sometimes with these
food stamps and then we're goingto never ask anybody for help,
which led to our listen. It sounds rough that Mikey used
to dumpster dive all right when he was a kid, but it was the
some of the funnest fucking likeexperiences I had just traveling
(19:51):
at High Point at night. And if you know anything about
High Point, especially like North Main and South Main is
pretty, it's pretty sketchy around there.
Yeah, it's pretty sketchy aroundthere.
And then you just back me just like like so when we were being
like stealthy too, because we knew.
See the the thing with dumpster diving like you, you say it as
you know a kid. I was 1718 years old working at
(20:14):
the grocery store and they used to make me throw out all kinds
of food, all kinds of food. And I was just like, I'm just
going to set this shit aside andthen I'm going to come back and
steal it myself because like I want cookies and cake and all
the things that are still completely fine.
Like they might be not able to be sold, but like we used to
(20:35):
give the the food to like food banks and stuff like that.
But then they can only take so much of the trash.
And so you know, I'd be out there like strawberries that I
had to throw away. Like there's a couple moldy
strawberries in there. You got to throw the whole thing
away. So like and they like literally
you'd throw away probably 100 packs of strawberries over like
a 2 day period. And so I'd just like set them
(20:57):
all off to the side and we never.
Got fruit or anything out of there?
But we, we always, that's, I worked in produce and then I
worked with like the bakery and all that stuff.
And so, I mean, there was so much stuff that like all like
the healthy pomegranate tea juices and all that stuff.
Nobody would buy that. It was like 4 bucks at the time.
And this is, I'll be honest. We were pretty poor and starving
back then and if we just saw pomegranate tea would have been
like, no, we're not getting that.
(21:18):
Dude, it was delicious. And like my first house that I
rented all the glasses in there because the pomegranate tea, it
was like, you know, like the oldjam or like the old Jelly jars
and stuff that people would use as cups.
Well, these were like 16 ounce, like just glass.
Oh shit, drinking glasses. So I'd drink the tea.
But then also then I just had like my whole first apartment.
(21:39):
So that's how you do it, brother.
Like you, if you're, if you're achildhood household, if you
didn't have the Mason jars and then, you know, the Betty
Crocker butter. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's a
bowl right there. That's a cereal bowl.
Yeah, you save. All and they're like an orange
ring in it from where you've atespaghetti in it.
And then spaghetti is just like,I'm not leaving.
You're going to Remember Me forever.
(21:59):
Do you still microwave in plastic?
When you're supposed to not do that.
Oh yeah? Well.
That's why it gets like all likeweird colored and shit.
I think that's the least of my concerns, though.
Yeah. I mean, every little bit helps.
Yeah, eventually. I had a dream the other night,
last night actually, that me andDylan opened up a haunted like
(22:20):
resort thing. Was this because of the ghost
story? I have no.
Clue. I don't know.
Maybe they're trying to get you to do work like they're like, so
they had the lady scare you and then now, now they're like,
yeah, we're going to we're goingto do this and you're going to
be filthy rich. Just team but.
Why would the Because it ended with this one crazy part where
there's like a church. I know, man.
But it ended with this one crazypart where there was like a
(22:42):
church and we're sitting there and this guy is talking at the
altar. And then you get struck with a
bolt of lightning and burst intothis wild like ball of fire.
And then it's just like he's walking.
And then he's like sticking his arms out like to come.
And I'm like, it's Satan. And I'm like, brother, fuck
that. You going by yourself, you know
it ain't that worth it. And that's what Dylan was like.
(23:02):
Maybe that's what you got to do,Mike.
You got to fucking sign on to like the Illuminati.
No, I just, I don't. I'll just dive with my morals
and I'll die with my morals. If I walked into a Diddy party.
They found him like say, Diddy was like, yeah, I like this one
right here talking about me and he's like, bring him out to the
party and I can just get in there.
I'm like what the fuck is there?I would die there because
(23:23):
obviously, you know, people who walked in there were probably
scared to be alive. Yeah, this is gay.
Like whoa, whoa, guys, guys, y'all understand this ain't
nothing. They're like, Nah man, it's it's
a freak. I'm like no, no, no, no, no.
This is like if you look up the definition of gay, this is what
it is. And I also I'm not gay and even
if there was women here, I'm still not doing that.
Like I'm not this is weird. This is fucked up.
I just want to leave. I just want to leave right?
(23:45):
Now very uncomfortable, no? Situation.
You leave with the Mike out the back and there's like some big
fucking bodyguard that walks up.He's going to kill me and I just
walk out the back. I ain't fucking.
You ain't getting me. Suck no Dick.
Have you read some of the stuff that's coming out about that?
And they got the check and everything for you, the
15,000,000. Couldn't do it.
You said you said you were upsetbecause they took daddy off the
(24:06):
table for you so that it wasn't even an option anymore.
Well, I joke around, but it's the same reason we don't do like
the crypto shit. Like I said, there'd be a MIC
coin anytime there's some creators on there and there's
some creators like I'm friends with that.
There is a big media company that goes around and is like,
hey, you know, we want to essentially take control of your
(24:28):
social media platforms and you can still post on there, but
we're also going to post like viral things that have nothing
to do with your content and it'sgoing to make you a lot of
money. And by they pay them $1000 a
month and then they got to splitlike the profit with them and
they got to sign all these contracts.
And I know a myriad of content creators who have done that.
And then essentially what they'll do is they'll spam their
followers with like all their previously popular shit and then
(24:51):
also other shit that has nothingto do with it.
And a lot of like click baity stuff and and shit like that.
And I'm like, I wouldn't do that.
And I have one creator that was like, well, it's this much a
month and I'm sorry you don't like to make money.
And I'm just like, brother, likeyou are quintessentially the
person that would go to a party and suck a Dick to get fat, Like
you would suck a Dick to get famous.
And you got to you got to live with that man.
(25:13):
I got, look, it's hard for me togo to bed at night because I
have insomnia. But once I lay down, I sleep
like a baby because I ain't got none of that shit on my mind.
Like I don't have people that I've like, fucked over.
These are people like you remember the friend we had that
was. But he would be a nice part, but
you know, he fucked people over.Yeah.
And he was just like the people he talked shit bad about and
(25:34):
then. The story comes out, it's not
not exactly how it played out. Right.
Yeah. It's just, it's a, it's a weird,
it's a weird situation. We'll talk about that one day.
Never. I don't think I ever talked.
Yeah, I'll never talk about that.
But it's just like he's like trying to throw him off.
He's like, I'm gonna get my bag.I was like, yeah, the people who
(25:54):
say that that's like, I'm gonna get my.
I'm gonna do what I need to get my money.
I was like, essentially what you're saying is you would suck
a Dick for $1,000,000 like you would give Diddy your butt hole
because it's not a one time thing.
Like, you know, you got to keep.Yeah.
Orlando Brown wasn't like, you know, you just did it and then
you got the money and that was all you had to keep coming back,
baby, to whatever freaky shit that man wanted you to do.
(26:15):
No, not me. Not.
I like the whole him and Amy were joking on me when I told
him about the dream with the devil.
And I was like, that's all you got to do is like Amy was like,
you just got to get in with the Illuminati.
I was like, I can't, I can't do it.
I don't even think they're doingsexual things, but.
Yeah, I mean, I mean I. They're just praising owl
statues and weird shit that I'll.
(26:35):
Say it in jest because yeah, they're I that's one thing that
I think is admirable about what you do.
And I feel like that's how I've tried to operate my business is
I will not take the quick buck for, you know, questioning my
(26:55):
like, morals and everything. Like if, if it goes against
that, like I try to find anotherpath, there's always another
path to go down. So.
Another another path that doesn't like fuck people over.
That's the one thing That's the one thing I'll never do.
That's why when I did sponsorships, they were like
dude wipes or, you know, labor llama, because I knew that those
(27:19):
were actually some things that people use.
And even with the dude wipes thing, once people were like,
Hey, Mike, like these are not, you know, really good for your
septic tanks. I was like, oh, well, we can't
do that anymore because I'm not going to tell somebody to hey,
buy this. And then now you got to pay
fucking $2500 because your septic tank fixed.
Because Mike was like, hey, dudewipes.
You can wipe your butt with it and it's wet and it feels nice.
(27:40):
And I hate it. I hate having morals, though.
I wish I could just be or unmoral, unmorally immoral,
immoral. There you go.
I wish I could just be immoral. Give people the the crypto and
then we could do the what else the.
Let's dive into the dude wipes though, because I think that is
something that is it's known butalso not known as like people.
(28:05):
You can't put it into a septic system, but you also can't flush
it into like a city plumbing system because it it never
breaks down. Like they say they're flushable,
but like toilet paper literally falls apart.
Like that's what makes that fucking napkin napkin tampon
story so crazy is because like all that stuff breaks down and
falls apart. But like the dude wipes and all
(28:26):
the other flushable wipes. What you have to bring up the
the napkin. Napkin tampons.
Well, everybody wants us to say mayonnaise Dick in every single
episode. And then also we're probably
going to be napkin, napkin tampon.
We'll probably be. Napkin coochie, napkin coochie
mayonnaise Dick 911 Moon Pies. When we come out with merch,
(28:46):
bro, that's going to be dope. Yeah.
People are going to be like whatthe fuck are these shirts?
But they've got these things called fat burgs that are in
like all of the municipalities, which it's people dumping grease
down the drain. Don't do that.
That just solidifies in your drains and can like really fuck
up your whole like plumbing system.
But then you take that and then other shit that people flush
(29:08):
down the drain that they're not supposed to, including flushable
wipes. And all this creates like these
big like almost like clogged arteries inside the plumbing
systems that just like and so itcosts all the taxpayers a shit
ton of money if it doesn't even just stop at your house.
Like you end up paying so much money for fixing all the.
Repairs and structure. Because none of it will process
(29:29):
the way that it's supposed to. I remember when I told Dylan I
was like, yeah, we're never doing anything for Dude Wipes
again because of the they were like, hey, like we want you to
do this thing for. I forgot what it was like
DraftKings or something like that.
Yeah. And I was like, man, I don't, I
don't advertise gambling to people.
And they were like, we got to hurry up and do this.
And like I said, I don't care ifyou gamble.
(29:49):
I don't care if you drink alcohol.
But I'm not going to be the guy that promoted, promotes that and
then ruins somebody's life. I don't.
It's your life. You get to live it how you want
to. And that's all sweet, but I
ain't. I just.
Oh man. I think that's.
I need to drop it and just be like, all right, guys,
DraftKings new gambling for kidsis so much fun.
Don't you want to act like you're 18 and get on this site
(30:10):
and fucking gamble, gamble away money.
Don't you want to get an addiction as youth?
That's what they did. They took gambling.
They were like, oh man, how can we?
It's essentially like everythingelse.
Yeah, it's like the fucking Dickpills and stuff like that is
everything is now targeted at the people that are just now
becoming adults. Because your brain is receptive
to like, Oh yeah. It's receptive to really getting
(30:30):
hooked on that God damn gamble and.
Like, I mean, I, the first time I went to a casino, I was like
21 and I brought in like 100 bucks and I was like, that's all
I'm spending. And then 100 bucks was gone.
And I was like, all right, I'll get out 200 bucks because like I
want, I want to make sure. And by the time I was done for
that night, I was like $500 and I didn't have $500.
I mean, I had it, but I didn't. You didn't have it.
(30:52):
Yeah, I didn't. Have it.
That was allotted for other things.
Yeah. Like, I mean, I was making that
like every two weeks. Like it wasn't like I just had
it saved up, like it wasn't. Extra money.
I remember, man, I had grandma. She was like top 2.
If you think about Grandma's. I had the sweet old Mama that
just like, you know, she cooked all these dinners all the time
and Christmas was at like her house and stuff.
(31:15):
And it was just like a real magical mamaw.
Yeah. And then she got into those
little fucking pop up, pop up little casino places where you
play the little games on the computers.
Yeah, completely different. My mom went to go hang out with
her one time. I had walked all the way up to
the gambling place, which was a long walk, but I was gonna ride
back with my grandma and grandpato their house and spend the
night. And I remember getting there and
(31:36):
I'm just like sitting in the floor while she's just saying,
I'm like, mom can't wait. We're gonna hang out of your
house, right? And then she's like, after I do
this, after I do the like. And I was just like, wow, that's
and then she just went down thiswhole fucking it lasted for
years too, brother. And I was just like, man,
fucking walked all the way back.Like I said, I did drugs for a
long time and I never like, you know, went out of my way to
(32:01):
fucking. I'd ever paid money that I
didn't have for drugs. I never did like shit like that.
So other addicts would look at me and be like, man, if you're
not sucking Dick for this stuff,you're not.
Your heart's not in the game. And I'm like, I feel like it is.
I feel like I do. I mean, I'm pretty solid like my
streak is. Yeah, I got a really good streak
going on. I will stop.
So like my tolerance will go down and then they're like, see
that right there though, you don't do that.
(32:22):
Your tolerance builds so much that eventually you just die one
day because you did too much andyour heart couldn't handle it
anymore. Yeah, I just like, I feel like
I'm really in this ball game with y'all, but.
No, I see. I'm just hacking this.
This is like a performance hack that I do.
I come off of it. So then.
Right. Yeah, like I'm not trying to
ruin my fucking life, guys. I've seen plenty of people like,
you know, die from this stuff. Well, it's like people when you
(32:44):
know, you get to talking about drinking and everything, like
it's always like this badge of like I can kill a 18 pack and
it's like that's expensive. Like you're right, you're
getting the same. Buzz, you're liver, brother.
You're getting the same buzz that I am from like, you know, 6
or 7 and it takes you 18 to get there And like, that's cool if
you want to blow all that money and yeah, run all that.
You know school, brother, I'm putting down 18 of them.
(33:05):
You know how cool that is when I'm telling my friends in the
morning how many beers I drank the other night while I'm
shaking like a motherfucker? As you open up your morning one.
Just get a morning shot just to give me like really feeling all
right. And then after that, you know, I
take a shot every hour until I finally get off work and then I
that's when I can really just like lay in.
I'm like, brother, you gotta butyou know, fucking do you see a
(33:28):
beer commercial little dance party?
That's why I tell people like beer should be treated like
cigarettes and people are like, Oh well, there's plenty of
people who fucking bro. I know plenty of old people who
smoke cigarettes that never diedfrom cancer from fucking
cigarettes. I've known people that have
currently are going through, youknow, liver failure that are
yellow. We had this one guy, Randy man,
and that man would not die and he would not quit drinking
(33:51):
either. He was like, I'm never going to
quit drinking. He went through like liver
failure. He had a brain aneurysm, which
brain aneurysms ban. Every other person I've heard
that's gone through that was like ball game.
They just went out. He had a brain aneurysm, liver
failure, he'd be yellow. Bro lasted like 10 years after
like the liver failure and turn yellow.
I don't know what happened, but he had a brain aneurysm after
(34:13):
that, after his body's already given out, man would just would
not die. He was fueled like his body had
learned to burn the fucking the liquorice fuel.
I don't know what was going on with him.
Yeah, we had a guy that I workedwith and he, he had multiple
times that he would have, I guess it's an aneurysm.
It's where you're like veins bust open and it busted open
(34:36):
that dumped directly into his stomach.
And then he's throwing up blood everywhere.
And like literally he could havebled out like within, you know,
moments. But the EMS gets there, saves
him. And he had that happen like a
couple times. And part of the reason was he's
like had Hep B or C or whichever1.
And so his liver was going on him and all this other stuff and
(34:59):
like he'd do painkillers, like they were going out of style.
He was a recovering alcoholic for a while.
And then he's like, I can, I canmanage it now.
And then. No, he's just drinking like 1/5
of absolute vodka, like just to his face while at work.
And I was like, maybe you just slow down on that.
And Nah, he but like same thing.He'd he'd be able to go through
(35:21):
all that and then a couple weekslater he's back up and running
and doing like normal and back on to the.
It just doesn't make any sense, man.
I don't see any. Like I want to see some Newport
commercials like how the fuck isthis fair?
I want to see like some kids just like hanging around like
not kids, but you know, mid youth with mid adult young
adults. They're I don't count, I don't
(35:41):
count 18 as adult. I count that as big kid, like 19
as big kid. The ones they show on like
movies and stuff, they're usually like mid 20s, early 30s.
Like, I mean Spider Man, like all those guys were like, like
down there like. 30 years, yeah,like Twilight and shit like
that. You got like fucking people with
5:00 Shadow. Just like, what's up, fellow
fellow youth, how are we doing today?
But yeah, that's how it should be.
(36:02):
Like either cigarettes gets the fun commercials where
everybody's like smoking and having a good time or alcohol
and gambling commercials should be like the PSA against it.
It should be like this is what happens when you drink alcohol.
Like when you buy some beer theystart doing the pictures of like
a yellow dude saying like I hopeyou enjoy it because I didn't
enjoy dying. So on that note though, when you
(36:22):
see the smoking commercials, because like the anti smoking
commercials, does it not make you want to go out and have a
fucking cigarette? Hell yeah as.
Soon as I see it, I'm like. You got the guy with you don't
always die from tobacco. Like I want to listen to that
jamming out a little bit, smoking a cigarette.
Like you're just puffing out theone I.
Swear every single time I see and like I haven't smoked.
(36:44):
Like I think I had a couple cigarettes the other night at
the concert, but like, I don't smoke on the regular anymore.
And anytime I saw one of those commercials, whether I was
smoking at the time or not, I'm like, Oh yeah, cigarette does
sound good right now. And it's supposed to be the
opposite of. That they're going to be people
that listen to this too and be like, oh, well, I had a family
member die from smoking. Yes, absolutely.
Everybody's had somebody die from something.
(37:06):
People, people die. But what I.
What I can't fucking stand is when they're like, you know,
yeah. He was 74 years old and cancer
took him out. Yeah, cancer took him out from
smoking at 74. Man, people just die for no
reason all the time. Now at 74, they're like, yeah,
we're blaming cigarettes for this.
Or or possibly he was fucking old.
Somebody would be like 8083. We'll see.
(37:26):
Like I I completely, I'm anti smoking, not that I give a shit
that anybody smokes. I don't want my daughters to
smoke because it's literally I've spent so much money, wasted
so much money over the years. Like at least when you were
doing drugs, you caught a buzz. But like cigarettes are like,
yeah, no, you're just. You're still miserable.
There's no euphoria that goes with it.
It's and they're fucking impossible to quit.
(37:49):
And they're expensive as fuck now, yeah.
Like, yeah, when I'm paying $9 aday for cigarettes, brother,
like. And you can't just like be like,
Oh no, I'm done with that, like.And it's so it's, I don't know
why it's the most addictive shit.
Like it's like I've done so manydrugs, Adderall, pain pills,
those quitting those, I'm just like, oh man, I feel like shit.
(38:09):
But you know, whatever cigarettes is like you're going
to feel like shit forever. And then even six months after
you're done doing these things, you're going to want one all the
fucking time. I've I've quit for years at a
time and there's a reason why I get back on it.
But like it's one of those things where at no point, like
it smells terrible and like thatfirst hit like when I first
(38:29):
started hanging out with you andlike I started smoking again
with you. Like that first pop off that
cigarette was the worst tasting.Like I was just like, oh, gross.
Let me get through this. It's so hard to get addicted to
too. Like you said, it's not like a
drug where you get like euphoriaor something like that.
Like when you're a kid, you do apain pill and you're like oh
fuck, I feel magical or you smoke weed or whatever and like
this like you're like, oh, I want to do this again.
(38:51):
Cigarettes was like Oh my God why the fuck I feel terrible
this is so nice. I can understand like the
menthols, like I'd never smoked them because I I'm a regular
guy. Like I like black coffee.
I like regular flavored cigarettes.
Like I don't want, you want. To say black guys for some
reason. No, that's your projection.
(39:12):
Oh, yourself. They're projecting right now.
But no, like I'd always do like if I didn't like the actual
thing, I don't do it like so I always smoked regular
cigarettes. But then when whenever I'd be
hanging out with somebody and they'd give me a menthol for me,
it tastes absolutely disgusting.I don't want it.
But for those people it it is minty goodness.
Like they're. What do you mean by those
(39:32):
people? Brother, always women like
always women like literally every single girl that I ever
dated like smoked menthol cigarettes and I was like you.
Listen, I don't like to be stereotypical, but anytime a
black guy comes up and ask me for a cigarette, I'm like, yeah,
but I got full flavor. And they'll be like, Nah, I'm
all right, brother. I was like, all right.
That's a real, actual thing, man.
See like at. The factory, all the guys that
(39:54):
smoked there that were black, they they all smoked regulars
really Durrell's and I think there was one or two that were
in Newport guys, but other than.That they were out there smoking
Winston's. My my old boss at the
architecture firm, he smoked Salem's.
I always regretted when I didn'thave enough cigarettes to make
it through the day. I'd be like, can I bum?
Can I bum a Salem from you? A Salem How long, how, how deep
(40:17):
are we into this one? 40.
Oh man, a short one cuz I don't feel like wrapping up and going
to smoke a cigarette. I have too much talking about.
Yeah, yeah, look that. Conversation down so that you
don't. Listen, best comment we got on
any of the the platforms was a guy, he works on locomotives and
he works on them at night. And he's like, you know, it
feels like you guys are out there to, you know, talking
(40:37):
with. And I was like, man, that felt
like, I think about those moments of, you know, when
you're working, you're at work and you feel alone and shit like
that. But you got these two guys
talking about the randomest, dumbest shit you ever heard,
which is like, work. Poop knives.
Yeah, poop knives. Did you guys read that story on
Red about poop knives? But yeah, guys, thank you for
tuning in. Make sure to rate put some
(40:58):
comments. Check out 22 daddies judge and
baddies. If you want more of the am I the
assholes from ranits there we are concise.
We deliver the content efficiently and we will see you
guys next time later.
Bear never bound down Mike and Dylan hate drama mom, but the
Bow Wow, are we rolling? We're rolling, we're rolling.
All right, guys, welcome back toanother episode of Mike and
Dylan hate hate drama. We were actually deciding right
now if we were going to shoot Mike and Dylan hate drama or two
daddies judging baddies. He said that really fast and
really smooth. I think we're going to get used
(00:20):
to the two daddies judging baddies.
Look at me, I did it too. Why outside I was I was messing
it all up. I was like 2 baddies judging
that we chose a very difficult name for the for the new
podcast. I mean, we could be two baddies
judging baddies too. I mean, we're pretty bad.
We are, yeah, we are handsome individual.
Right now Mike is trying to get healthier.
(00:42):
He is trying to live a healthierlife which will last for like 3
days and then I'll be back to bein.
No, I think, I think you are real good at like a month and
then after that month is up likeyou've cycled out of it I.
Think one of your like self helpbooks.
Yeah. And I'm just going to you tell
me your favorite and I'm going to get it on audiobook because
I'm not going to sit there and read it.
(01:02):
There's some really good Gary Vee ones.
They're less, they're more like business oriented, but I mean,
there's, there's a lot of good ones.
But that's The thing is I, I sawsomebody talk about it.
It's better to have one book andjust like read it, read it
again, like learn your lessons, like keep coming back to that
one book than it is to like serial read like 100 of them
(01:23):
because you never implement any of it.
So the more you just like focus on just like pick one book, roll
with that one and let it be yourlifestyle for a while.
I got to give up cigarettes. Caffeine, got to start
exercising some, losing weight again.
I stopped all that. I was doing real good for a
minute there. And then I just, I don't know,
life. Life gets in the way and it's
like, look, I'm gonna be really hard.
(01:44):
So it's going to be really hard to focus on yourself.
So you're just going to die, bud.
Yeah, should happens. It does happen.
So today we have we have viewer actually recommended that we
read. What are these called?
They're just like the, you know,Hall of Fame Reddit.
Yeah, it's like Reddit Hall of Fame stories.
We we read one of those and thenwe kind of after we read the
(02:05):
Reddit story, that's when we kind of go into this overtime
where we could talk about similarities in our lives that
pertain to the story. So I think that's a good way to
kind of go about it. Today's story is called Poop
Knife. And I bet you don't know about
it unless you have already read this story on Reddit.
And I have not read this story, so it's going to be a treat to
(02:25):
go through to read to you guys. And then me and Dylan will kind
of go into, you know, things that pertain similarly to it.
So I know this story is about a guy who thought that some things
that he did as a kid was normal.So I believe that's the kind of
banter we're going to get into after we read this story, right,
Dylan? Yeah, that sounds good.
All right, Yeah. So, you know, right now, like I
(02:46):
said, Mike's trying to change his life.
So I'm in a bit of a brain fog, which actually is.
I don't know, I'm getting words out better and.
Brain fog is good for you. Maybe, maybe I won't be as
witty, but this one's called Poop Knife and Dylan wrote Poop
knife at the top. It looks real.
Go ahead and show the audience how how nice my handwriting is.
This is your. Camera out there you go poop
knife. I feel like a the the teacher.
(03:08):
That's like showing the after I read something I.
Automatically thought Vanna White.
She's a baddie. She is, yeah.
She's old now. Have you seen Rachel Ray,
Brother? She aged, which I mean is good,
but she's also had like, health problems and stuff like that.
Oh, man, I look, I'm on, I'm on show, Dylan on my phone.
And then, you know, as I guess I.
(03:29):
Always thought she was cute whenshe was like a little bigger
back in the day. Oh, yeah.
But I mean, now she's just, I mean, is she?
She's aged. I saw a picture of Jonah Hill
this morning and he is a very skinny man.
He does that though he cycles like I.
Mean he's very, very skinny. We like to go from fat to
skinny, fat to skinny. Everybody's like going crazy
about her now. I mean, they like honestly she
(03:51):
just looks like a normal person on a day that you don't want to
be photographed. I've done a ton of.
I guess they only think you're normal if you do a ton of
plastic surgery as a. Well, and they like to like, you
know, like that whole like Ben Affleck out there, like smoking
a cigarette and shit. It's like they're normal people.
Like they're just regular old people.
Like I mean, yes, probably infinitely wealthy, but like
also that comes with its own downsides of like not being able
(04:13):
to go. Every time I see.
Grab a quick bite to eat or something.
Right, every time I see the Ben Affleck photo of him just out
there just stressed as shit smoking a cigarette, I'm like
Samsies brother Samsies. You could get that picture any
day of the week outside the studio, yeah.
You could I look at just like, what are we doing here, man?
A little part It's there's no point where we're out there
(04:34):
happy smoking cigarettes. If we're out there, if I'm
smoking a cigarette, especially if Dylan smoking cigarette,
things have gone terribly awry. There was that one.
There was like a 2 day stint where we sold like 40 shirts on
TikTok shop that that was like, OK we got it, we figured it out.
And then the next day, it's likedown to like, no shirts, right?
And then Tik Tok's also like, and we're gonna stop paying you
(04:55):
no more money. And Facebook's like us too.
And we're just like, so we're just fucked.
OK, Thanks guys. And.
Then we're back to Ben Affleck. Yeah, then I'm bad.
Just back out there just like stressed.
Like I could turn my life aroundor I could just die and I ain't
got to worry about any of this stuff.
I imagine like a burglar now, like a robber just like goes to
like car driving. He's like, get out the car, I'll
kill you. So I'm like, OK, either I get
(05:17):
out the car, you take my car, I have to walk and I'll be
miserable. Or you just shoot me and then I
have no more problems. Yeah, my my family gets paid.
Yeah. So if you're going to pick one,
you just pick one right now. I'm gonna let you pick.
Yeah. Rolling the dice here.
You. My life is in your hands.
And then he's going to be like awife.
And he's going like, well, I don't want to pick.
And I'm like, you're the one who's hungry right now.
God, yeah, you're the one who wants to rob somebody right now.
(05:40):
You are the one who should pick Jesus.
All right. So my family poops big.
All right. Had a little bit of swear to
come out too when I said. Flex on that one, yeah.
Just they poop. They have large, large feces.
Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births
(06:00):
giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega poop,
you know that sometimes it won'tflush.
It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the
vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
What kind of what kind of fiber rich turds is this family have
in that it the the vortex just doesn't like break it in half?
(06:20):
These are those cornbread fed country boys that you were
talking about in the Aliens invasion.
Brother, do you know when I was a kid, and I used to, because
you know, kids, they have big healthy poops, man.
And when you're a kid, that shithurts so bad.
And I used to, I used to be like, I used to tell God I
wouldn't lie anymore. If the turd would just come out,
I'd be like, brother, yeah, I quit lying and everything.
(06:42):
God, that shit. Growing up, this was common
enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife.
It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the
laundry room only to be used forthat purpose.
It was normal to walk through the hallway and someone call
out. Hey can you grab me the poop
knife? I thought it was a standard kit.
Oh man, you have a plunger, yourtoilet brush, and your poop
(07:05):
knife. Fast forward to 22, it's been a
day or two between poops and I'mover at a friend's house.
My friend was the local dealer and always had guests over.
Because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and
sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a
gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a
sideways 1, so I crack the door and call out to my friend.
(07:28):
He arrives and I ask him for hispoop knife.
My what? Your poop knife?
I say. I need it to, I need it to, I
need to use it, please. He's like, what the fuck is a
poop knife? Obviously he has one, but maybe
he calls it by a more delicate name.
(07:48):
A fecal cleaver and dumb divider.
A guanoglave. I explain what it is.
I explain what it is I want and why I want it.
He starts giggling, then laughing.
Then lots of people start laughing.
It turns out the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas
through the door. It also turns out that none of
them have poop knives. It was just my fucked up family
(08:11):
with their fucked up bowels. Fuck my life.
I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and
horrified at the same time. It turns out she did not know
what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife
hanging in the utility closet asa basic utility knife.
How do you get through a relationship and then marriage
without ever mentioning the poopknife?
(08:32):
Yeah, the poop knife I think would like especially depending
on when, unless he's just now experiencing this over at his
like dealer's house. But like at some point, yeah.
Do you figure? Oh yeah, watch that one.
That one's the poop knife. I.
Think you're watching Like what?Maybe we should have talked
about this before we got married.
They. Had to have moved or something
and so he had to like take the poop knife with him to like the
(08:52):
new location and be like where should we put the poop knife
Where's a good spot for this it'd.
Be crying the wife just like, oh, we didn't need a poop knife.
All of our family had just very loose bowels so thankfully she
didn't cook with it but used to open Amazon boxes.
She will be getting her own utility knife now.
Wait was he a utility knife? Was using like a box cutter to
(09:13):
cut these poops apart. No, she was using the poop knife
to because like it was just a sharp object that could open a
box easily. There's an edit common question,
why was this not in the bathroominstead of the laundry room?
Answer. We only had one poop knife and
the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms.
Bros rich and using a poop knifeman 3 bathrooms.
(09:33):
Yeah, I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives.
All I knew was that we didn't. We had the one.
Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the
weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife
that. Is see, they were wealthy enough
to eat well because that that cost some money.
So they, they have nice healthy poops, but dad's like, no, no,
(09:54):
we're not having three poop knives.
One we share it. Dad is making sure they get all
their fiber, though, and they'reliving, I mean, healthy bowels
because they're having these logs that are just like, you
could assault somebody with it. Yeah, that's just a poop knife,
man. So what did you have as a as a
child that you thought? We're going into overtime, guys
where we banter and stuff like that.
So we're going to ask Dylan whathe experienced when he was a
(10:18):
child that he thought was normalbut was not that normal.
Well, the thing that I was goingto say on that story is like the
first time you ever like do a shark, as the term is.
And I think I had my first one when I was like 7 at like a
Super Bowl party at one of my friends houses.
Yeah. And I thought it was a fart and
it wasn't. And then I ran to the bathroom
(10:38):
and then I had to like call my mom crying.
I was because I'd never shit myself.
Like I was like a kid that doesn't shit themselves anymore.
Like I'd never had that experience.
And, like, I thought I was like the, you know, the weirdest,
lamest kid because I poop my pants, which I didn't like poop
my pants. It was just like, you know,
yeah. But that experience.
And then from there on, like, I've had trust issues with my
(10:59):
bowels ever since. And it's like, I don't know what
I can believe is just going to come out as gas and which is
going to be a, you know, either liquid or solid form.
Right, I didn't start sharting until up in age.
Like, that was the, I think the first time I experienced the
Shard, I was like 27 years old at work.
Yeah. Because I just started going
through, like, all the stomach problems and stuff.
(11:19):
And I thought I was about to RIPme a big one.
And I ripped this just oily mess.
And I was like, oh God. And now I have to leave.
And which is funny too, because I told myself like, I don't
care. I went to the supervisor.
I was like, hey, I got to go. And he's like, why?
I was like, I just like I just fucking farted.
And this just oil mess came out of my out of my bows.
He's like, oh, that's the worst.Are you coming back?
I'm like, fuck no, no, I look 45minutes away, buddy.
(11:41):
I'm not driving 45. Minutes.
I'm going to take a shower, probably relax.
Yeah, that was an experience. Trying to process have a
cigarette that was this is a whole new experience.
I'm trying to like process this new life that since then it's
it's probably happened about 11 times.
Getting old sucks man. Especially like when you got IBS
and like dealing with it where you never had to deal with it
before. And it's always the times where
(12:02):
like, you know, it's inconvenient, like the most, it
never just happens like while you're at the house, like just
like, oh. No, that's when it mostly
happens to me when I'm, when I'mcomfortable to really like RIP
big ones. Yeah, I don't know what it is
about that too. Like now in the mornings, man,
I'll be like just a gas machine with the and it's not even like
the cute ones. Are they ever really cute?
(12:23):
You know, you've been back in the day I had the birds and I
guess now you would just assume I've been to a bunch of ditty
parties because now they're justlike we're just releasing one
thing that I thought was semi normal because I talked to a
teacher about it. Because we're talking about
like, you know, just like dealing with like problems and
stuff we hate going through right now.
(12:44):
Because it was I guess we were talking about like it was sex
add bodies changing and stuff like that.
And I remember at the house where, like I told you, I spent
most of the time out, the septictank was fucking up and
obviously my parents didn't havemoney to fix it.
So, well the shitty thing that would happen literally is you
would be taking a shower and then shit would come through the
(13:05):
start coming through there and you just had to like scream and
run away. What the fuck, right?
So I was just like, man, I just hate when I'm like taking a
shower and then shit starts coming out the drain and then
people are like, what did he youlive in a fucking exorcist house
or something like that, bro. It got so bad that the like we
couldn't even use the toilet anymore.
We had shit in buckets, bro, andwe had to wait until tax time
for that crackhead to fucking fix it.
(13:26):
That was the genuinely just likethe most awful experience.
I was like, man, I'd I'd like to.
I just rather be out in the woods right now, honestly than
fucking the shit bathroom. I hated living.
I hated living with them becausethey wouldn't fucking fix it
either too, which I mean, I to apoint, I understand because
(13:46):
finally when they I saw what like all needed to be done when
they finally got it fixed and they had to bring out like
excavators and shit to like dig it up and and fix everything.
And I remember the day I came home from school when I saw that
happen because we've been dealing with it for a while now.
And I was just like to the pointwhere mentally exhausting
because I also told you like I slept right there at the
(14:07):
bathroom. So I had poop bathroom, poop
central right there at my room. So it just smelled awful all the
time. And finally they got it fixed.
For a while there I thought justlike, man, when your septic tank
fucks up, that's a, that's a like a rough six months right
there. And people be like, Nah, my
family fixed it immediately. Like as soon as it started
happening. I'm like, cool, what do y'all
like rich or something like this?
They're like. Responsible adults.
(14:27):
Right. They're like no no they just
parents are able to do things. Bro, it was so crazy growing up
too, because I thought this would happen when I was an adult
because like it, the adults thatI lived around for some reason
would always randomly get a large sum of money for something
that happened. And I was like, man, I can't
wait for those When I'm an adultthat's never happened.
Like I've never just randomly for something that I didn't know
(14:49):
that was happening. I remember my stepdad's a
brother, their family, they got a really like large medical
check and it was like $19,000. So obviously $19,000.
Me hearing that as a kid, I was like, oh, they're fucking rich
now. I'm like, brother, you're,
you're, you got it made. You're loaded.
Let me hold the dollar. Time to find out that they were
(15:11):
not supposed, they were supposedto send that into the insurance
company. So they got in a little bit of
trouble for that one, but I was just like, man, like the these
adults just get random randomly large amounts of random money
sometimes. See, I always thought that was
what when I'd see like the UPS driver come, I'm like, is he
even bring me a package? And then finally, I think I was
(15:31):
probably well into my teenage years before I realized I was
like, oh, you have to like orderit for them to send you
something. Like it's they're not just
dropping off packages like fucking Santa Claus.
Like I was like, am I going to get a package?
Every time I'd see him ride downthe road, I was like, am I going
to get a package? 13 years I have had a look at
this guy. Bring everybody but me
something. When is it going to be my time?
When is it going to be Dylan's time to shop?
(15:53):
And we never like got packages because like, I mean, there was
no online ordering or anything. So it was a very like.
How the hell yeah, how the hell was that work?
Just catalogues. I mean, I guess, yeah.
I remember seeing catalogs. Yeah, we saw the catalogs, we
used to shop in the catalogs, but we never.
Nah, see that's you're rich bro,because that never happened.
No, my mom would get the JC Penney catalogs and we'd just
(16:13):
look through it. We wouldn't get any of the shit
from it. Like that's one thing that my
parents raised me without believing in Santa Claus.
Like they told me like wasn't real from the beginning.
And so like I'd see all the kidsaround me, they'd get like
fucking, you know, Game Boys andSega Genesis and all this other
stuff. And I would get I would get like
a 99 science experiment like package.
(16:36):
Like that was my thing for Christmas was all learning toys
and shit like that. And so like, I tried to believe
in Santa. I was like Santa, please bring
me something. You did the reverse.
He was like, these motherfuckersare lying to me and all these
other kids are benefiting from this Santa guy and they're
telling me not to believe in this Santa.
Dude so I tried and he still he still brought me like a science
kid which. I know even telling you that
(16:58):
Santa wasn't real, you were justlike he is real and my parents
are just fucking you. Got to believe guys.
I tried like hell and yeah, never, never did.
I think the first game system wegot was like NES, like the
original, and by that time it was like, you know, 98 or 99
when like Playstations and all that stuff were coming out.
(17:20):
And my parents eventually boughtme a PlayStation the like first
version but. I knew Santa wasn't real from a
very early age because he never even got remotely what I wanted.
I remember, oh man, I remember Iwas like 7 or 8 years old and
waking up for Christmas and my stepdad walks into my bedroom
(17:41):
and he throws this Ziploc baggieand it has what, what I can only
describe is like various pieces of used toys.
I've never had like a mighty duck in it.
And he was like, Merry Christmas.
And that's what I got at that age for Christmas.
And I'm just like opening the bag and stuff.
And there's no way Santa would bring this shit.
My nephews like my I don't know what to call her but like my
(18:04):
nephew's mom like she's such a. That would be an aunt, right?
No, my nephews like some of my brother's sex or whatever.
Yeah, family math is really hardfor me to do in my.
Head but like my brother's always paid child support,
always has and always like neverfought it like fought to try and
get the kids, but never fought like having to pay for the kids,
right. And there was real fucked up
(18:27):
though, like they were probably,you know, 10/11/12 somewhere in
that range. And she opted to tell the kids
that they were too bad to get Christmas presents instead of
just buying them fucking Christmas presents.
I was like, she didn't have the money supposedly, but like, my
brother's paying a lot to make sure that these kids like have
food and clothes and all the other stuff.
(18:47):
And she opted to tell them they were too bad to get Christmas
presents. And I was like, you are the
shittiest. Like humor that's a terrible.
Like, if you can't afford it, say you can't afford it or
whatever. And then tell them Santa's not
real if they've been doing the Santa thing.
But like, don't tell them you'rebad.
But also there are resources in your community, like if you're
like really, really down single mom type shit, there's like
(19:08):
churches and stuff like that, which pissed me off so much
about my parents because they wouldn't go to like churches and
shit to get anything, not food, not nothing.
Like they're like I said, they were poor people.
They're poor kids. And then they were like rich
poor kids where their family would use the food stamps and
they would go to like these churches and stuff and ask for
help. But you know, I got the the
proud, the proud crackheads thatwere just like, you know, we're
(19:31):
going to earn our crack responsibly sometimes with these
food stamps and then we're goingto never ask anybody for help,
which led to our listen. It sounds rough that Mikey used
to dumpster dive all right when he was a kid, but it was the
some of the funnest fucking likeexperiences I had just traveling
(19:51):
at High Point at night. And if you know anything about
High Point, especially like North Main and South Main is
pretty, it's pretty sketchy around there.
Yeah, it's pretty sketchy aroundthere.
And then you just back me just like like so when we were being
like stealthy too, because we knew.
See the the thing with dumpster diving like you, you say it as
you know a kid. I was 1718 years old working at
(20:14):
the grocery store and they used to make me throw out all kinds
of food, all kinds of food. And I was just like, I'm just
going to set this shit aside andthen I'm going to come back and
steal it myself because like I want cookies and cake and all
the things that are still completely fine.
Like they might be not able to be sold, but like we used to
(20:35):
give the the food to like food banks and stuff like that.
But then they can only take so much of the trash.
And so you know, I'd be out there like strawberries that I
had to throw away. Like there's a couple moldy
strawberries in there. You got to throw the whole thing
away. So like and they like literally
you'd throw away probably 100 packs of strawberries over like
a 2 day period. And so I'd just like set them
(20:57):
all off to the side and we never.
Got fruit or anything out of there?
But we, we always, that's, I worked in produce and then I
worked with like the bakery and all that stuff.
And so, I mean, there was so much stuff that like all like
the healthy pomegranate tea juices and all that stuff.
Nobody would buy that. It was like 4 bucks at the time.
And this is, I'll be honest. We were pretty poor and starving
back then and if we just saw pomegranate tea would have been
like, no, we're not getting that.
(21:18):
Dude, it was delicious. And like my first house that I
rented all the glasses in there because the pomegranate tea, it
was like, you know, like the oldjam or like the old Jelly jars
and stuff that people would use as cups.
Well, these were like 16 ounce, like just glass.
Oh shit, drinking glasses. So I'd drink the tea.
But then also then I just had like my whole first apartment.
(21:39):
So that's how you do it, brother.
Like you, if you're, if you're achildhood household, if you
didn't have the Mason jars and then, you know, the Betty
Crocker butter. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's a
bowl right there. That's a cereal bowl.
Yeah, you save. All and they're like an orange
ring in it from where you've atespaghetti in it.
And then spaghetti is just like,I'm not leaving.
You're going to Remember Me forever.
(21:59):
Do you still microwave in plastic?
When you're supposed to not do that.
Oh yeah? Well.
That's why it gets like all likeweird colored and shit.
I think that's the least of my concerns, though.
Yeah. I mean, every little bit helps.
Yeah, eventually. I had a dream the other night,
last night actually, that me andDylan opened up a haunted like
(22:20):
resort thing. Was this because of the ghost
story? I have no.
Clue. I don't know.
Maybe they're trying to get you to do work like they're like, so
they had the lady scare you and then now, now they're like,
yeah, we're going to we're goingto do this and you're going to
be filthy rich. Just team but.
Why would the Because it ended with this one crazy part where
there's like a church. I know, man.
But it ended with this one crazypart where there was like a
(22:42):
church and we're sitting there and this guy is talking at the
altar. And then you get struck with a
bolt of lightning and burst intothis wild like ball of fire.
And then it's just like he's walking.
And then he's like sticking his arms out like to come.
And I'm like, it's Satan. And I'm like, brother, fuck
that. You going by yourself, you know
it ain't that worth it. And that's what Dylan was like.
(23:02):
Maybe that's what you got to do,Mike.
You got to fucking sign on to like the Illuminati.
No, I just, I don't. I'll just dive with my morals
and I'll die with my morals. If I walked into a Diddy party.
They found him like say, Diddy was like, yeah, I like this one
right here talking about me and he's like, bring him out to the
party and I can just get in there.
I'm like what the fuck is there?I would die there because
(23:23):
obviously, you know, people who walked in there were probably
scared to be alive. Yeah, this is gay.
Like whoa, whoa, guys, guys, y'all understand this ain't
nothing. They're like, Nah man, it's it's
a freak. I'm like no, no, no, no, no.
This is like if you look up the definition of gay, this is what
it is. And I also I'm not gay and even
if there was women here, I'm still not doing that.
Like I'm not this is weird. This is fucked up.
I just want to leave. I just want to leave right?
(23:45):
Now very uncomfortable, no? Situation.
You leave with the Mike out the back and there's like some big
fucking bodyguard that walks up.He's going to kill me and I just
walk out the back. I ain't fucking.
You ain't getting me. Suck no Dick.
Have you read some of the stuff that's coming out about that?
And they got the check and everything for you, the
15,000,000. Couldn't do it.
You said you said you were upsetbecause they took daddy off the
(24:06):
table for you so that it wasn't even an option anymore.
Well, I joke around, but it's the same reason we don't do like
the crypto shit. Like I said, there'd be a MIC
coin anytime there's some creators on there and there's
some creators like I'm friends with that.
There is a big media company that goes around and is like,
hey, you know, we want to essentially take control of your
(24:28):
social media platforms and you can still post on there, but
we're also going to post like viral things that have nothing
to do with your content and it'sgoing to make you a lot of
money. And by they pay them $1000 a
month and then they got to splitlike the profit with them and
they got to sign all these contracts.
And I know a myriad of content creators who have done that.
And then essentially what they'll do is they'll spam their
followers with like all their previously popular shit and then
(24:51):
also other shit that has nothingto do with it.
And a lot of like click baity stuff and and shit like that.
And I'm like, I wouldn't do that.
And I have one creator that was like, well, it's this much a
month and I'm sorry you don't like to make money.
And I'm just like, brother, likeyou are quintessentially the
person that would go to a party and suck a Dick to get fat, Like
you would suck a Dick to get famous.
And you got to you got to live with that man.
(25:13):
I got, look, it's hard for me togo to bed at night because I
have insomnia. But once I lay down, I sleep
like a baby because I ain't got none of that shit on my mind.
Like I don't have people that I've like, fucked over.
These are people like you remember the friend we had that
was. But he would be a nice part, but
you know, he fucked people over.Yeah.
And he was just like the people he talked shit bad about and
(25:34):
then. The story comes out, it's not
not exactly how it played out. Right.
Yeah. It's just, it's a, it's a weird,
it's a weird situation. We'll talk about that one day.
Never. I don't think I ever talked.
Yeah, I'll never talk about that.
But it's just like he's like trying to throw him off.
He's like, I'm gonna get my bag.I was like, yeah, the people who
(25:54):
say that that's like, I'm gonna get my.
I'm gonna do what I need to get my money.
I was like, essentially what you're saying is you would suck
a Dick for $1,000,000 like you would give Diddy your butt hole
because it's not a one time thing.
Like, you know, you got to keep.Yeah.
Orlando Brown wasn't like, you know, you just did it and then
you got the money and that was all you had to keep coming back,
baby, to whatever freaky shit that man wanted you to do.
(26:15):
No, not me. Not.
I like the whole him and Amy were joking on me when I told
him about the dream with the devil.
And I was like, that's all you got to do is like Amy was like,
you just got to get in with the Illuminati.
I was like, I can't, I can't do it.
I don't even think they're doingsexual things, but.
Yeah, I mean, I mean I. They're just praising owl
statues and weird shit that I'll.
(26:35):
Say it in jest because yeah, they're I that's one thing that
I think is admirable about what you do.
And I feel like that's how I've tried to operate my business is
I will not take the quick buck for, you know, questioning my
(26:55):
like, morals and everything. Like if, if it goes against
that, like I try to find anotherpath, there's always another
path to go down. So.
Another another path that doesn't like fuck people over.
That's the one thing That's the one thing I'll never do.
That's why when I did sponsorships, they were like
dude wipes or, you know, labor llama, because I knew that those
(27:19):
were actually some things that people use.
And even with the dude wipes thing, once people were like,
Hey, Mike, like these are not, you know, really good for your
septic tanks. I was like, oh, well, we can't
do that anymore because I'm not going to tell somebody to hey,
buy this. And then now you got to pay
fucking $2500 because your septic tank fixed.
Because Mike was like, hey, dudewipes.
You can wipe your butt with it and it's wet and it feels nice.
(27:40):
And I hate it. I hate having morals, though.
I wish I could just be or unmoral, unmorally immoral,
immoral. There you go.
I wish I could just be immoral. Give people the the crypto and
then we could do the what else the.
Let's dive into the dude wipes though, because I think that is
something that is it's known butalso not known as like people.
(28:05):
You can't put it into a septic system, but you also can't flush
it into like a city plumbing system because it it never
breaks down. Like they say they're flushable,
but like toilet paper literally falls apart.
Like that's what makes that fucking napkin napkin tampon
story so crazy is because like all that stuff breaks down and
falls apart. But like the dude wipes and all
(28:26):
the other flushable wipes. What you have to bring up the
the napkin. Napkin tampons.
Well, everybody wants us to say mayonnaise Dick in every single
episode. And then also we're probably
going to be napkin, napkin tampon.
We'll probably be. Napkin coochie, napkin coochie
mayonnaise Dick 911 Moon Pies. When we come out with merch,
(28:46):
bro, that's going to be dope. Yeah.
People are going to be like whatthe fuck are these shirts?
But they've got these things called fat burgs that are in
like all of the municipalities, which it's people dumping grease
down the drain. Don't do that.
That just solidifies in your drains and can like really fuck
up your whole like plumbing system.
But then you take that and then other shit that people flush
(29:08):
down the drain that they're not supposed to, including flushable
wipes. And all this creates like these
big like almost like clogged arteries inside the plumbing
systems that just like and so itcosts all the taxpayers a shit
ton of money if it doesn't even just stop at your house.
Like you end up paying so much money for fixing all the.
Repairs and structure. Because none of it will process
(29:29):
the way that it's supposed to. I remember when I told Dylan I
was like, yeah, we're never doing anything for Dude Wipes
again because of the they were like, hey, like we want you to
do this thing for. I forgot what it was like
DraftKings or something like that.
Yeah. And I was like, man, I don't, I
don't advertise gambling to people.
And they were like, we got to hurry up and do this.
And like I said, I don't care ifyou gamble.
(29:49):
I don't care if you drink alcohol.
But I'm not going to be the guy that promoted, promotes that and
then ruins somebody's life. I don't.
It's your life. You get to live it how you want
to. And that's all sweet, but I
ain't. I just.
Oh man. I think that's.
I need to drop it and just be like, all right, guys,
DraftKings new gambling for kidsis so much fun.
Don't you want to act like you're 18 and get on this site
(30:10):
and fucking gamble, gamble away money.
Don't you want to get an addiction as youth?
That's what they did. They took gambling.
They were like, oh man, how can we?
It's essentially like everythingelse.
Yeah, it's like the fucking Dickpills and stuff like that is
everything is now targeted at the people that are just now
becoming adults. Because your brain is receptive
to like, Oh yeah. It's receptive to really getting
(30:30):
hooked on that God damn gamble and.
Like, I mean, I, the first time I went to a casino, I was like
21 and I brought in like 100 bucks and I was like, that's all
I'm spending. And then 100 bucks was gone.
And I was like, all right, I'll get out 200 bucks because like I
want, I want to make sure. And by the time I was done for
that night, I was like $500 and I didn't have $500.
I mean, I had it, but I didn't. You didn't have it.
(30:52):
Yeah, I didn't. Have it.
That was allotted for other things.
Yeah. Like, I mean, I was making that
like every two weeks. Like it wasn't like I just had
it saved up, like it wasn't. Extra money.
I remember, man, I had grandma. She was like top 2.
If you think about Grandma's. I had the sweet old Mama that
just like, you know, she cooked all these dinners all the time
and Christmas was at like her house and stuff.
(31:15):
And it was just like a real magical mamaw.
Yeah. And then she got into those
little fucking pop up, pop up little casino places where you
play the little games on the computers.
Yeah, completely different. My mom went to go hang out with
her one time. I had walked all the way up to
the gambling place, which was a long walk, but I was gonna ride
back with my grandma and grandpato their house and spend the
night. And I remember getting there and
(31:36):
I'm just like sitting in the floor while she's just saying,
I'm like, mom can't wait. We're gonna hang out of your
house, right? And then she's like, after I do
this, after I do the like. And I was just like, wow, that's
and then she just went down thiswhole fucking it lasted for
years too, brother. And I was just like, man,
fucking walked all the way back.Like I said, I did drugs for a
long time and I never like, you know, went out of my way to
(32:01):
fucking. I'd ever paid money that I
didn't have for drugs. I never did like shit like that.
So other addicts would look at me and be like, man, if you're
not sucking Dick for this stuff,you're not.
Your heart's not in the game. And I'm like, I feel like it is.
I feel like I do. I mean, I'm pretty solid like my
streak is. Yeah, I got a really good streak
going on. I will stop.
So like my tolerance will go down and then they're like, see
that right there though, you don't do that.
(32:22):
Your tolerance builds so much that eventually you just die one
day because you did too much andyour heart couldn't handle it
anymore. Yeah, I just like, I feel like
I'm really in this ball game with y'all, but.
No, I see. I'm just hacking this.
This is like a performance hack that I do.
I come off of it. So then.
Right. Yeah, like I'm not trying to
ruin my fucking life, guys. I've seen plenty of people like,
you know, die from this stuff. Well, it's like people when you
(32:44):
know, you get to talking about drinking and everything, like
it's always like this badge of like I can kill a 18 pack and
it's like that's expensive. Like you're right, you're
getting the same. Buzz, you're liver, brother.
You're getting the same buzz that I am from like, you know, 6
or 7 and it takes you 18 to get there And like, that's cool if
you want to blow all that money and yeah, run all that.
You know school, brother, I'm putting down 18 of them.
(33:05):
You know how cool that is when I'm telling my friends in the
morning how many beers I drank the other night while I'm
shaking like a motherfucker? As you open up your morning one.
Just get a morning shot just to give me like really feeling all
right. And then after that, you know, I
take a shot every hour until I finally get off work and then I
that's when I can really just like lay in.
I'm like, brother, you gotta butyou know, fucking do you see a
(33:28):
beer commercial little dance party?
That's why I tell people like beer should be treated like
cigarettes and people are like, Oh well, there's plenty of
people who fucking bro. I know plenty of old people who
smoke cigarettes that never diedfrom cancer from fucking
cigarettes. I've known people that have
currently are going through, youknow, liver failure that are
yellow. We had this one guy, Randy man,
and that man would not die and he would not quit drinking
(33:51):
either. He was like, I'm never going to
quit drinking. He went through like liver
failure. He had a brain aneurysm, which
brain aneurysms ban. Every other person I've heard
that's gone through that was like ball game.
They just went out. He had a brain aneurysm, liver
failure, he'd be yellow. Bro lasted like 10 years after
like the liver failure and turn yellow.
I don't know what happened, but he had a brain aneurysm after
(34:13):
that, after his body's already given out, man would just would
not die. He was fueled like his body had
learned to burn the fucking the liquorice fuel.
I don't know what was going on with him.
Yeah, we had a guy that I workedwith and he, he had multiple
times that he would have, I guess it's an aneurysm.
It's where you're like veins bust open and it busted open
(34:36):
that dumped directly into his stomach.
And then he's throwing up blood everywhere.
And like literally he could havebled out like within, you know,
moments. But the EMS gets there, saves
him. And he had that happen like a
couple times. And part of the reason was he's
like had Hep B or C or whichever1.
And so his liver was going on him and all this other stuff and
(34:59):
like he'd do painkillers, like they were going out of style.
He was a recovering alcoholic for a while.
And then he's like, I can, I canmanage it now.
And then. No, he's just drinking like 1/5
of absolute vodka, like just to his face while at work.
And I was like, maybe you just slow down on that.
And Nah, he but like same thing.He'd he'd be able to go through
(35:21):
all that and then a couple weekslater he's back up and running
and doing like normal and back on to the.
It just doesn't make any sense, man.
I don't see any. Like I want to see some Newport
commercials like how the fuck isthis fair?
I want to see like some kids just like hanging around like
not kids, but you know, mid youth with mid adult young
adults. They're I don't count, I don't
(35:41):
count 18 as adult. I count that as big kid, like 19
as big kid. The ones they show on like
movies and stuff, they're usually like mid 20s, early 30s.
Like, I mean Spider Man, like all those guys were like, like
down there like. 30 years, yeah,like Twilight and shit like
that. You got like fucking people with
5:00 Shadow. Just like, what's up, fellow
fellow youth, how are we doing today?
But yeah, that's how it should be.
(36:02):
Like either cigarettes gets the fun commercials where
everybody's like smoking and having a good time or alcohol
and gambling commercials should be like the PSA against it.
It should be like this is what happens when you drink alcohol.
Like when you buy some beer theystart doing the pictures of like
a yellow dude saying like I hopeyou enjoy it because I didn't
enjoy dying. So on that note though, when you
(36:22):
see the smoking commercials, because like the anti smoking
commercials, does it not make you want to go out and have a
fucking cigarette? Hell yeah as.
Soon as I see it, I'm like. You got the guy with you don't
always die from tobacco. Like I want to listen to that
jamming out a little bit, smoking a cigarette.
Like you're just puffing out theone I.
Swear every single time I see and like I haven't smoked.
(36:44):
Like I think I had a couple cigarettes the other night at
the concert, but like, I don't smoke on the regular anymore.
And anytime I saw one of those commercials, whether I was
smoking at the time or not, I'm like, Oh yeah, cigarette does
sound good right now. And it's supposed to be the
opposite of. That they're going to be people
that listen to this too and be like, oh, well, I had a family
member die from smoking. Yes, absolutely.
Everybody's had somebody die from something.
(37:06):
People, people die. But what I.
What I can't fucking stand is when they're like, you know,
yeah. He was 74 years old and cancer
took him out. Yeah, cancer took him out from
smoking at 74. Man, people just die for no
reason all the time. Now at 74, they're like, yeah,
we're blaming cigarettes for this.
Or or possibly he was fucking old.
Somebody would be like 8083. We'll see.
(37:26):
Like I I completely, I'm anti smoking, not that I give a shit
that anybody smokes. I don't want my daughters to
smoke because it's literally I've spent so much money, wasted
so much money over the years. Like at least when you were
doing drugs, you caught a buzz. But like cigarettes are like,
yeah, no, you're just. You're still miserable.
There's no euphoria that goes with it.
It's and they're fucking impossible to quit.
(37:49):
And they're expensive as fuck now, yeah.
Like, yeah, when I'm paying $9 aday for cigarettes, brother,
like. And you can't just like be like,
Oh no, I'm done with that, like.And it's so it's, I don't know
why it's the most addictive shit.
Like it's like I've done so manydrugs, Adderall, pain pills,
those quitting those, I'm just like, oh man, I feel like shit.
(38:09):
But you know, whatever cigarettes is like you're going
to feel like shit forever. And then even six months after
you're done doing these things, you're going to want one all the
fucking time. I've I've quit for years at a
time and there's a reason why I get back on it.
But like it's one of those things where at no point, like
it smells terrible and like thatfirst hit like when I first
(38:29):
started hanging out with you andlike I started smoking again
with you. Like that first pop off that
cigarette was the worst tasting.Like I was just like, oh, gross.
Let me get through this. It's so hard to get addicted to
too. Like you said, it's not like a
drug where you get like euphoriaor something like that.
Like when you're a kid, you do apain pill and you're like oh
fuck, I feel magical or you smoke weed or whatever and like
this like you're like, oh, I want to do this again.
(38:51):
Cigarettes was like Oh my God why the fuck I feel terrible
this is so nice. I can understand like the
menthols, like I'd never smoked them because I I'm a regular
guy. Like I like black coffee.
I like regular flavored cigarettes.
Like I don't want, you want. To say black guys for some
reason. No, that's your projection.
(39:12):
Oh, yourself. They're projecting right now.
But no, like I'd always do like if I didn't like the actual
thing, I don't do it like so I always smoked regular
cigarettes. But then when whenever I'd be
hanging out with somebody and they'd give me a menthol for me,
it tastes absolutely disgusting.I don't want it.
But for those people it it is minty goodness.
Like they're. What do you mean by those
(39:32):
people? Brother, always women like
always women like literally every single girl that I ever
dated like smoked menthol cigarettes and I was like you.
Listen, I don't like to be stereotypical, but anytime a
black guy comes up and ask me for a cigarette, I'm like, yeah,
but I got full flavor. And they'll be like, Nah, I'm
all right, brother. I was like, all right.
That's a real, actual thing, man.
See like at. The factory, all the guys that
(39:54):
smoked there that were black, they they all smoked regulars
really Durrell's and I think there was one or two that were
in Newport guys, but other than.That they were out there smoking
Winston's. My my old boss at the
architecture firm, he smoked Salem's.
I always regretted when I didn'thave enough cigarettes to make
it through the day. I'd be like, can I bum?
Can I bum a Salem from you? A Salem How long, how, how deep
(40:17):
are we into this one? 40.
Oh man, a short one cuz I don't feel like wrapping up and going
to smoke a cigarette. I have too much talking about.
Yeah, yeah, look that. Conversation down so that you
don't. Listen, best comment we got on
any of the the platforms was a guy, he works on locomotives and
he works on them at night. And he's like, you know, it
feels like you guys are out there to, you know, talking
(40:37):
with. And I was like, man, that felt
like, I think about those moments of, you know, when
you're working, you're at work and you feel alone and shit like
that. But you got these two guys
talking about the randomest, dumbest shit you ever heard,
which is like, work. Poop knives.
Yeah, poop knives. Did you guys read that story on
Red about poop knives? But yeah, guys, thank you for
tuning in. Make sure to rate put some
(40:58):
comments. Check out 22 daddies judge and
baddies. If you want more of the am I the
assholes from ranits there we are concise.
We deliver the content efficiently and we will see you
guys next time later.
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